Pinkie Challenged Me To A Rap Battle
Being the best in the goddamn world does have some downsides.
Ponies swarming for your autographs. Being recognized everywhere you went. Having mares throw themselves at you when you just wanted some fucking milk.
It has it’s upsides, though. The autograph thing wasn’t all too bad, especially when you got to see how happy you made ponies. The recognition could’ve been worse, and it got me into restaurants without a reservation, which was nice. And the mares throwing themselves at you? Well, hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Plus, she ended up throwing in the milk for free. Score.
But then, when you become the best goddamn battle rapper in the world, you gotta deal with psychopathic earth ponies who put out a fucking hit on you.
For some reason, Pinkie was obsessed with battling/horrifically murdering me, whichever was more convenient on the given day. Every day, I had to avoid a mix of verbal abuse, threats of physical violence and throwing knives. On the downside, I lived every day fearing for my life. On the upside, it was one hell of a workout, and running from a sugar-crazed maniac helped me burn five pounds in three days. I’ve never looked better.
I refused to rap against Pinkie because she was fucking nuts. Duh. Besides, she wasn’t worth my time. I battled Fluttershy out of pity, Maud out of fear of my feet, and Celestia because I vowed to take the secret of the broom to my grave. But Pinkie… Pinkie offered me nothing. I didn’t want to battle her because it’d be boring. She’d be random and nonsensical, take the first round, and then I’d kick her ass in the last verse. Easy win for Anon. Frankly, she wasn’t worth my time.
When I woke up dangling over a vat of acid with Pinkie smiling crazily from the corner, I had to rethink my stance.
“Um…” I said, looking all around the room. “Pinkie? Could you maybe, I don’t know, get me out of these bindings, let me down safely, and allow me to leave?”
“Oh, of course,” she said walking over to me. “But at this point, do I have to say what I want from you?”
“Listen, Pinkie,” I said, with a smile. “I could beat your ass in a freestyle, or we could both walk away from this with our pride intact. Which is is gonna be?”
“I choose choice C,” she said.
“Which is?”
“I think I speak for everyone when I say that you’ve gotten a bit too big for your britches,” said Pinkie, walking around the vat. “And people have been urging me to silence you.”
“So you’re gonna kill me?” I asked, with a bored expression. “Honestly, I thought you’d be better than that.”
"I’m not going to kill you.” She retrieved a device from her hair—something I didn’t know was possible without… you know, hands—and pressed it. The vat closed up and the ropes were severed. I collapsed on the top with a thud. “When I say silence you, I mean I’m going to beat you so bad you have no words left to say.” I untied myself.
“Well, that’s too bad,” I said. “Cause everybody knows that Anonymous is a certified G and a bona fide stud. And you can’t. Teach. That.”
“Well, you see this?” Pinkie pressed a button, and all the walls came down slowly, revealing a large crowd surrounding the area. Pinkie grabbed a mic from her hair as well. “This is a crowd of people. It has all of Equestria in it. And you can’t. Teach. That.”
“Badaboom—” I started.
“—Realest mare in the room. How you doin’?”
“You stole my gimmick!” I complained.
“You’re slow,” she said. “Just like your flow,”
“Okay, Pinkie Pie. You’re going to prove you’re better than me?” I asked, with a laugh. “Well then, get to it!” She smiled maniacally before raising the mic to her face.
P:
You might’ve beat Fluttershy, but I’m about to send you home
My bars are like dropping rocks on your shiny green dome
And yeah, you stomped Maud, hung Limestone out to dry
But what you didn’t know before battling me is that I’m no average Pie
And you even beat Celestia, that’s nuts! It must’ve felt really odd
But just know I ain’t talking about candy when I call myself a Rap God
You’re getting cocky, Anonnie, you probably thought this would be an easy win
You clearly don’t know who you’re dealing with, so just let me clue you in
I’m the Pinkie Pie, Party Guy, mess with me? You’re bound to die
You can try, I don’t know why. You’re beating me? Now that’s a lie
Step to me in a battle? Are you crazy? That’s an easy way to fail.
Borrow a scrunchie from Rarity. That’s the only way you’ll get any pony tail.
See, I wanted to battle Fluttershy, but you got in between us
I brought my knives, I’ll straighten my hair, and unleash that Pinkamena
Aww, I’m just playin, we’ve been friends for a while
I’m bout to get on that Cupcakes shit, and I murder you with a smile
I’m the Element of Laughter, sending you to Rapture, my bars and my swagger are nothing to capture
I’ll drop ya, won’t catch ya, Rainbow Dashin’ right past ya, you think you spitting fast? Well I’mma spit faster!
My bars win wars, you beg for peace
I’m years ahead of my time; Kyle Reese
Expect defeat, check my spread sheet
My victory is near complete
You’re dead weak, while I rip a beat
You’re gassed up on your own conceit
I see you thinking, Anon, you're ‘bout to give it a try
But after the last three disasters? You don't deserve another line
Pinkie extended her hand, handing the mic to me. Really, her verse was nothing special. I could surpass it with little to no effort.
As I reached for the mic, though, She threw it up into the sky, a familiar yellow pegasus catching it in her wing. I looked into the sky wishing that I didn’t.
If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have noticed that I was played.
“F-Fluttershy?” I asked. “Are you here to rap with me?”
“Is that a joke, mane?” said Fluttershy. “I am here to lay the smack down on you, Anon. Today is the day you fall, once and for all.” Fluttershy brought the mic to her mouth and, above everyone else, began.
Your flow is wack, and you use the same punchlines.
But like a bad lunch, you ain’t packing a punch this time.
Your name is Anonymous, but everyone knows who you are.
Let me and Pinkie show you obscurity: free of charge.
I’ve fought dragons and made cockatrices cower.
So you’re basically nothing more than a large green coward.
I'm cooking up beatdowns, I just made a fresh batch
Anon over here silent......... Vinyl Scratch
I'm insane, no plain-Jane, your weak game gives me migraines
we ain't the same, we're on different planes, your style’s lame, while I spit flames.
I'm living a life so toxic, you? I've already irradiated.
I'll bring about a Fallout bigger than Wasteland in '88 did.
Your face is so blank, no eyes, ears, anything?
My boy Spike’s got more talent when he hears that Hotline Bling.
You would hear Anon cry if he got a paper cut.
These people have seen better service outta Pizza Hut.
Why am I here, wasting time on this goofy cunt?
So go home and get some skills you obnoxious fuck.
So get away from the mic, you trashy has-been.
You’re not getting a chance. Not even a fucking word in.
Of course, I was dumbfounded, flabbergasted, and other ridiculous words. Did they really think they could tell me, the most fly guy, to just sit back and take this. No way. I was getting my lines in even if it killed me.
Of course, this meant I had to flail madly in an attempt to grab the mic from Fluttershy. Mind you, she’s a magical pegasus, capable of flight, so…
“Give me it!” I commanded. “You can’t keep me silent forever!”
“Ah, I’ve found you!” said a random voice. Somewhere above the crowd descended a dark figure, wings outstretched to partially block the sun above. “I believe I have updated you on Celestia’s current position?”
“Yeah, even I know Celestia is a busy mare. Spreading the rumors of the broom and all—”
“Spreading the rumors of the what now?” I asked, furiously.
“Even so, you can just rap in her place, Luna!” said Pinkie, nodding towards Fluttershy, who tossed her the mic. She got a feel for the object in her magic. “You see that guy there?” Pinkie pointed towards me. “Make up the most savage disses you can think of to use against him!”
“If you insist,” said Luna, putting the mic to her mouth. This was it! She would expect me to snatch the mic out of her magic, would she?
“The battle…” I said, rushing towards Luna. “Will be mine!” Luna pushed me back with her magic. When I looked back up, her eyes were flaring white.
Hey, a guy can try.
Get back, you vile, peasant scum!
I didn’t come to rap battle so that we could become chum.
Listen to this princess’ words: They’re more than a rule of thumb.
What could be more obvious than this battle’s outcome?
I’ve been to every corner of the globe: Cosmopolitan.
You couldn’t hit third base if you were balling with Robinson!
Winning is Better Than Revenge, between us three, it’s a split shift.
Riping your suit to shreds. Ha. Hope your tailor’s swift.
They call me Nightmare Moon, cause I'm the sweet dream destroyer.
I'm faster than you, stronger than you, I'm Chrome, you're Internet Explorer.
You seem a tad bit too green. What? Are you stocking up on chlorophyll?
I'm an entertainer, you're just one more bore I'll kill.
Get ready for this, I’m listing everything wrong with you.
Your lines are few, you’ve got less grace than a coup
I’m royal blue, you’re a stomach flu
Our skills don’t meet up like a rendezvous
You can’t pull through, no one to turn to. Your wack rhymes can’t outdo
Me. None of this is untrue.
Time to put you with the other rookies: back to the queue with you.
There’s no way this battle didn’t ruin your image.
Il était un pleasue faire des affaires , mais sortir de mon visage.
The crowd went ballistic, balls to the wall, batshit insane. The only problem was, it wasn’t for me. As I tried to say something, anything that could save me, Luna sent the mic sailing into the sky, then made it explode into dazzling fireworks which, to this day, still baffles me. I feel to my knees, the hopelessness taking over, and let a single tear fall from my cheek.
If anything was clear, that was the day I suffered my first loss.
“So, I can’t get any milk?”
“That’s what I said.” I rubbed my temples to soothe an oncoming headache.
“And why is that?” I asked.
“Well, you lost, didn’t you?” said the clerk. “No milk for losers.”
“Aw, come on!” I said. “It’s not like you’ve never lost something in your life. Does that mean you don’t get any milk?”
“No milk for crybabies, either,” said the person behind me.
“Shut up,” I said, the pony going back into the line. “Forget it. Don’t need any Honey Bunches of Oats anyways…”
After I left the stall, I was faced with looks and jeers from almost everybody in town. They’d gone from kissing my feet to refusing to spit in my direction. I found it all so annoying.
Finally, I reached my house. After fiddling with the keys a bit, I got inside. My entire house looked bland and uninviting as if someone died inside of it. I made my way to the bedroom and plopped down on the bed. Maybe I should go to bed early again.
No
I’m going to win.
I jumped out of bed and moved over to the sketchpad I left on my desk. A few lines popped into my head. A new type of inspiration filled me, all at once, in such a quick time.
Mark my words, I would regain my title as the Equestria Scene Bar Lord… not that anyone called me that in the first place.
Author's Note
Ah, finally, this came out.
Thanks for reading! I would spit a quick limmerick here, but I have to prepare for the Fourth of July barbecue feast.
Oh yeah, happy Barbecue Day!
