Actually, babies *can* form innuendo

by Petrichord

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart, Comedy
Length: 5880

They're pretty good at double entendres, too.

If you're going to give a speech, it makes sense to know what your audience is like - what they're thinking about, how they're feeling, and so on.
Theoretically, this means that a spell that lets you scan the surface of the thoughts of ponies - just for brief emotional impulses and surface thoughts, and all that - should help anypony give a better speech. I mean, getting a peek inside the heads of everypony present should be strictly a good thing, right?
Right?

Inspired by the description of a story. No, really. If i was given a penny for all the things in life that i found disproportionately funny, I'd have enough copper to provide electricity to all of Tokyo, and that's even given how little copper pennies actually have these days.

My heartfelt thanks to Majin Syeekoh for proofreading this, and also for not suing my butt. You're the best, dude.

Published 2016-07-04 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-04 18:00:01 UTC

Out of the mouth of babes...

After exactly one hour, thirty-four minutes and seventeen seconds, the tuneless humming from behind the train compartment door stopped.

Two seconds later, the door flew open with a loud bang.

Mane frazzled and face split in a grin, Starlight Glimmer stood on the other end of the aperture, shaking a hoof-ful of notes in the air.

“Twilight,” Starlight chirped, “It’s done! Done!”

Beaming, Twilight Sparkle looked up from her copy of Daring Do and the Fisher King. “The defense plans for the Crystal Empire? I’m proud of you, Starlight! I know you were working on those for weeks, and-"

“The what?”

“The…defense plans?”

Starlight Glimmer blinked. “Uh. Which plans?”

“We were going to help Shining Armor and Princess Cadance set up countermeasures in case the Crystal Empire was attacked by Windigos! Those plans! You know - the entire reason we’re on a train to the Crystal Empire in the first place?”

“You mean the six hundred pages of stuff I took care of last week? Or were there a different set of plans you wanted me to work on?”

“Of course there weren’t any new plans. Don’t you think I would have…”

Twilight paused.

“…Wait. You finished it last week?”

“You gave me three weeks to do it. Plus, you’ve got an entire library’s worth of books in the castle. Literally.”

“You wrote six hundred pages of material?”

“Didn’t you want me to be comprehensive?” Starlight shrugged. “I mean, I counted charts and diagrams on that list, so the actual written stuff’s probably more like five hundred pages – um, why are you shaking your head? Is everything okay?”

“Yes! I’m just…I’m so proud of you, Starlight. You’re even more like me than, well, me.”

“You mean that in a good way, right?”

“I mean it in the best possible way.”

Silence.

“So, um…” Twilight faltered. “If you weren’t working on the defense plans, then what exactly did you finish?”

“Oh! Right! So are you familiar with Flowerfield’s Monodirectional Telepathic Link?”

“The mind-reading spell?” Twilight frowned. “Isn’t it illegal?”

Starlight shrugged. “Aren’t you a princess? Aren’t you supposed to know that stuff?”

“I’m not exactly a law specialist. And this princess stuff is still kind of new to me. Iiiiin any case, I really don’t think you should be casting it.”

“But I’m not! Do you think I’d spend this much time just re-learning a spell somepony else made?”

“It’s supposed to be a difficult spell. I wouldn’t blame you if it took a while.”

“Nah! Took me, like, five minutes. Tops. Anyway, that’s not the point-”

“Wait, what?”

“-The point was how I reconfigured the formula. Dimmed the strength to about twenty percent. Removed audio fidelity while managing to keep the emotional conveyance conduit intact. Reinserted the mutual nature of an arcanocerebral connection, but edited some of the neural feedback to keep it more in line with Flowerfield’s Monodirectional psych-locks. And some other stuff.”

“Other stuff?”

“I made notes.” Starlight waved her stack of papers in the air. “This is some of them. Most of the rest of them are back in the other train car. Adjusting the variables took ages, and then I realized I had forgot to factor in the Thaumaturgical Reduction Formula and I had to go back and redo the equations all over again, but I’m almost positive that I got it right!”

“Got what right?”

“A “sympathy” spell. That’s the tentative name, anyway. It should let me get an idea of how another pony thinks and subconsciously mimic it, so talking with them feels more familiar and less…non-familiar. It’s supposed to put their minds more at ease. I think.”

Starlight paused.

“I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.”

“So you invented an entire spell based on a hunch that it might make talking to somepony else slightly easier?”

“Is that a bad thing? I was kind of worried about this meeting, so I wanted to prepare in advance.” Starlight’s ears flicked. “I thought I should give a brief overview on the notes, because somepony else might not figure out what the most important parts are, but I don’t think I’m the best at public speaking. I thought I’d need help.”

“Didn’t you convince everyone in Stalliongrad to give up their cutie marks and make you their leader?”

“That’s kind of a low blow, Twilight.” Starlight frowned. “I meant the sort of public speaking that doesn’t involve ruling everypony with an iron hoof.”

Twilight winced. “Sorry! I didn’t mean it like that!”

“I know you didn’t. I’m just…I’m just nervous, I guess.” Starlight’s shoulders sagged. “I just really don’t want to mess this up, you know?”

“It’s okay! Really! You didn’t do anything bad, Starlight! I’m just, uh…”

“Just what?”

“Well, don’t most ponies get ready for public speaking by practicing?”

“In front of a mirror? I already know how to smile. I’m not going to learn anything else from that.”

“What about in front of our friends?”

“In front of them? Are you crazy?” Starlight shook her notes in the air, disbelief etched onto her face. “I’d be embarrassed to death! I wouldn’t be able to say a single sentence, much less give an entire freaking lecture!”

“So you decided to use magic instead.”

“Pretty much the only way to do it, so - no duh, Twilight.”

Silence.

Starlight gulped. “Um. Did I just say something really dumb?”

“No! No! It’s just that you’re, uh...you’re more like me than I thought.”

“I’m guessing you don’t mean that in the best possible way.”

“…I don’t mean it in a bad way.” Twilight coughed. “Besides, I’m kind of curious to see how the spell works. Want to practice before we get there?”

Starlight closed her eyes. “I was kind of hoping you’d ask. Let me cast it on myself really quickly, okay?” Her horn glowed, before - with a faint popping sound – the glow vanished.

Twilight tilted her head. “Did it work?”

“I…think so? Say something. Start a conversation with me.”

“Well, uh…Okay, so I’ve really been enjoying Daring Do and the Fisher King. It’s not just that it’s a Daring Do novel – which are enjoyable, in and of themselves – but it also brings the fundamental nature of love, greed and obsession into question.”

“So it’s the fundamental symbolism of the book that calls to you? Does having some sort of metatextual interpretation make the work as a whole more satisfying for you?”

“Erm…yes.” Twilight scratched her head. “That kind of sounded like me, but it also kind of sounded like you. I’m not sure whether it worked or not.”

“Well, um – what about one of your friends? Maybe it’d be different if I talked to Applejack?”

“She’s one of your friends too, remember?”

“Right! Sorry!”

“It’s fine! I knew what you meant. I’ll go get her.”

Twilight turned away and trotted off towards the front of the train. Nervously, Starlight Glimmer looked through the sheaf of papers in her hoof and started double-checking her equations.

User input should be modified by the sympathetic link, Starlight thought. I guess user input still primarily dictates the contents of any given statement, though. Unless there’s something I missed about magical capacity and its effects on the strength of the link?

Starlight flipped through pages upon pages of scribbled diagrams, numbers roughly the size of commas and magical glyphs doodled on the edges of her notes. It would have taken a mathematician roughly half of an hour per page to decipher the equations and verify how correct - or how incorrect - they might have been.

It took Starlight Glimmer roughly 4.38 seconds per page.

On the twelfth page Starlight squinted, checked over an equation fragment, then checked it again. And again.

“Well, hel-lo,” Starlight drawled.

“Uh, howdy?”

Starlight looked up. Applejack stood in front of her, eyes and mouth set in an expression of mild concern. Behind her, Twilight Sparkle peeked over Applejack’s shoulder, eyebrow quirked.

“Oh! Hi!” Starlight blushed. “Hi to you, too! Um - sorry about that. I was sort of saying hi to the notes because, uh...reasons. For spells. And stuff. Not that I did it to actually address them, I mean.”

Starlight paused.

“You know what i’m getting at, right?”

“I don’t think I do, sugarcube.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck. “I reckon it ain’t something to worry about, though. I mean, unless it has somethin’ to do with the spell doohickey Twilight was talking about?”

“It sort of does? But i guess it also sort of doesn’t. Not in the way that, uh. That matters, I guess?”

“O...kay?”

Starlight’s face flushed a darker shade of red. “Right! Uh, new topic! Twilight - could I ask you to leave, please? For a bit?”

“Huh?”, Twilight replied. “How come?”

“The thing that I was ‘hello-ing’ about earlier was something i found in the notes. I think the spell worked, actually; we’re just kind of too similar in how we talk. If I get a pony that talks differently from me, it might be a bit more noticeable.”

“So what does this have to do with me?”

“Well, I think you might be a bit too...loud, magically speaking? That was the other thing I spotted in my notes. It’d be sort of like having one radio frequency interfering with another, you know? I’d kind of be getting through to Applejack, but you’ld probably be blocking out most of it. Not on purpose, I mean, but…”

“Right! Right. I’ll, uh. I’ll excuse myself for a bit, then.” Twilight turned away and trotted over to the compartment door. With a faint glimmer of magic, it swung open; with the slightest shake of her head, Twilight passed through the doorway and shut the door behind her.

Starlight’s horn glowed for half a second. Then the arcane gleam popped out of existence, leaving her horn as bare as it was before. “Alright, let’s-”

The compartment door swung open.

“Hey, girls?” Twilight interjected. “You know that i’m right here if something goes wrong, okay?”

“I reckon we already knew that, Twilight,” Applejack replied.

“Okay! I’ll leave you girls be, then.” With a wave, Twilight closed the door.

Applejack sighed. “Alright. Now-”

The door swung open again.

“I’m seriously right here for you, girls. If anything seems weird or unusual or whatever, I’ll make sure it gets fixed, okay?”

“We know, sugarcube. You can close the door.”

Twilight closed the door.

Applejack adjusted her hat. “So this fancy magical charm of yours is-”

The door creaked open a third time.

“Is everything okay in there? Just checking up-”

“Consarn it, Twilight!” Applejack snapped. “If you ain’t gonna stop interruptin’ us every five seconds, don’t think I won’t lift you up by your wings and whuck you into the caboose by myself.”

“I just-”

“Git.”

Twilight shut the door.

Starlight gulped. “Uh...There ain’t a problem, is there?”

“Naw. Twilight’s just figurin’ you might be up to no good. I’ve tol’ her a million times not to get her panties up’n a bunch, but she can’t stop prattlin’ on about the good of Equestria an’ yadda, yadda, yadda.”

“I guess I ain’t surprised. She weren’t the first pony who ain’t taken a full shine t’me yet. Guess provin’ myself’s still gonna be a bit hard, yeah?”

“It ain’t gonna be impossible, sugarcube.” Applejack smirked, rolling her shoulders in a half-shrug. “Land’s sakes, we got Discord to mellow out after a bit, and he weren’t even tryin’ to be good. Not like you’ve been, anyway. Besides, I trust you, an’ I reckon Twilight thinks I’m an acid test for this sort of thing.”

“Aw, shucks. I weren’t sure you were all that keen on me, Applejack.” Starlight Glimmer grinned. “I sorta reckoned y’all thought i was up to no good, but ‘specially that you thought I was one of the tricker sorts of ponies.”

“Sugarcube, after the whole boondoggle with the crystal heart an’ your unicorn pal, I reckon you’re no trickier’n an unhitched knot on a toy applecart. Mebbe a lil’ bit weird with all your prattlin’ on about fancy spells an’ stuff, but no weirder’n Twilight is, an’ I’ve got experience in dealin’ with her. Lands’ sakes, I can at least understand you half the time you’re talking about your magical doodads, an’ that’s almost a full half more’n I can understand Twilight, bless her heart.”

“It ain’t that tricky, really. Well, mathematics aside, n’all-”

Starlight Glimmer paused.

“Um. Well...I suppose it actually could be sort of difficult. And there’s no guarantee that it’ll work, in any case, but I’ve always felt that the payoff from that sort of brainwork is more than worth it.”

“Uh, Sugarcube?” Applejack cocked her head. “Is somethin’ the matter? You started talkin’ kind of weird again, an’ you sort of made a confused-like face. Everythin’ alright?”

Starlight grinned. “Much better than that, actually.”

**********************************

“So it worked?”

“I think so!” Starlight beamed. There was a spring in her step as she ascended the long, spiraling staircase to the Crystal Castle war room. Twilight walked beside her, her gait slightly less springy but her smile equally genuine.”I was able to hone in on Applejack after you left, and everything went fine after that. I honestly wasn’t expecting her to be so friendly to me. You know, what with the whole evil-villain thing…”

“You’re her friend! Forgiving and forgetting is what we *do* , Starlight. Most of the time.”

“What about-”

“Anyways. So who are you going to cast your spell on? Princess Cadance? Shining Armor?”

“The Crystal Heart, actually.”

Twilight cocked her head. “You can do that?”

Starlight Glimmer rolled her eyes. “I wrote the spell, didn’t I? The crystal heart’s got a little bit of everypony in the kingdom with it, so i should sound like, well...everypony as one. The true essence of the crystal empire. Theoretically. I mean, if I can’t tune in on its signal, then I can always tap into your sister-in-law or something.”

“That’s...kind of true, I guess? I’m not quite sure I like how you phrased it, though.”

“Oh! Well, uh, let’s get to the meeting room and I can try saying it again, okay?”

“Starlight, are you sure it wasn’t a good idea to practice some basic etiquette lessons first? I could have helped, you know. I mean, I’m your teacher-”

Starlight Glimmer clambered up the last set of stairs and turned back to stare at Twilight. “I didn’t want you to think that I wasn’t working on the stuff you had assigned me. I figured that it could wait until after i showed you how amazing this spell was, so we wouldn’t have to bother with the rudimentary things!”

“I’m not sure that’s how it works. Look, how about if I give you a primer before-”

“Twily!”

Starlight and Twilight turned. Trotting towards them was Shining Armor, a huge grin plastered onto his face. Without invitation, the stallion grabbed Twilight, pulled her into a tight hug and administered an overly affectionate set of brotherly noogies.

“How’s my baby sister doing?” Shining Armor chirped, casually undoing the two hours Rarity had spent styling Twilight’s mane with two seconds of vigorous rubbing.

“I’m fine, Shiny! Leggo! You’re messing up my mane!” Twilight struggled in vain to extricate herself from Shining Armor’s hug.

“Aww, are you worried about that? Or are you worried that big bwuver’s embawassing you in fwont of your fwiends?”

Shining Armor’s approximation of baby talk was, objectively, pretty terrible. However, it served its purpose of making Twilight Sparkle red in the face, and served it quite well.

“Shiny, stooooop! I’ve got a meeting to go to!” Twilight whined, ineffectually bopping Shining Armor around the face with her hooves.

“So do I! Doesn’t mean I can’t show you some brotherly love.”

“Shinyyyyyyyy!”

Starlight Glimmer stared at the sibling scrum, internally debating for a second or two whether to intervene. Then, with a shrug, she turned away and walked towards the war room. The struggle would resolve itself eventually. She had more important things to do. There were notes to be arranged, handouts to be distributed and a podium to be positioned in just the right way.

And, of course, her spell wasn’t going to cast itself.

The war room was, as Starlight had hoped, appropriately spacious. There were the requisite number of banners and pennants, a sufficient number of arched windows and approximately the right number of chairs surrounding a large, circular table. There was also a single occupant inside the room: Princess Cadance, sitting to the right of the podium, smiling gently as she peered down at a frilly bassinet.

Make that two occupants.

Annoyance flashed briefly over Starlight Glimmer’s face. This meeting could theoretically make or break her academic career. It would be hard to convince anypony else that she had taken Twilight’s lessons seriously if she couldn’t meaningfully contribute to protecting peace and harmony throughout Equestria, and it would hard to make her rhetorical skills overheard over some screaming infant.

Feigning good cheer, Starlight Glimmer cleared her throat and began to distribute her handouts at each seat around the table. “Good afternoon, Princess Cadance.”

Princess Cadance looked up and gave Starlight Glimmer a friendly wave. “Hello, Starlight! It’s nice to see you again.”

“Yes! True! It’s nice! Correct!”

Silence.

“Uh. What I meant was, um.” Starlight Glimmer blinked and took a deep breath. “It’s nice to see you too, princess.”

Cadance chuckled. “Twilight sent a message up ahead. She said that you wanted to give a speech before we examine your defense proposal?”

“I, uh. Wanted to break it down a bit beforehoof. There’s a lot of stuff there, and...a lot more stuff.”

“There’s no need to be nervous, dear. We won’t judge.”

“You won’t?”

Cadance eyed Starlight Glimmer’s stack of papers. “You’ve written...that’s got to be five hundred pages, hasn’t it?”

“Six hundred. But that’s counting the charts and diagrams. So i guess five hundred’s probably closer to it, yeah.”

“See? It’s obvious that you care very deeply about this. I’m proud of you, and I’m sure that there isn’t anything you could say that would change my mind.”

Cheeks turning a slightly pinker shade, Starlight Glimmer nodded and continued placing her handouts in front of the empty chairs. As she reached Princess Cadance’s chair, Starlight paused. “Um.”

“Yes?”

“Is everything okay with Flurry Heart? Should I do anything in particular for her, or…?”

“Oh! No, she’ll be fine. I just wanted to make sure that I’ll be here for her if something happens. You don’t mind, do you?”

“No! Not at all. None whatsoever.” Feigning a grin, Starlight peered down into the bassinet.

Flurry heart stared up at her. Flurry’s tiny baby limbs flailed in the air as a mindless smile spread over her face. “Bznql”, she babbled.

Starlight sighed in relief. “She looks happy enough.”

Cadance reached down, affectionately stroking Flurry Heart’s mane. The baby giggled in joy, head turning to nuzzle against Cadance’s hoof.

“She shouldn’t be a problem, Starlight. And if something happens, I’ll take care of it as quickly as possible.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

************************************************

Starlight Glimmer stood at the podium. Every chair at the table in front of her was full: before her sat her friends, the princesses, the crystal empire’s general and former captain of the royal canterlot guard. Each and every one stared at her, hooves clutched around their handouts, waiting.

A bead of sweat trickled down Starlight Glimmer’s neck as she stared at a nondescript patch of the wall.

Starlight Glimmer wanted to die.

Seconds passed in silence. Simultaneously awkward and exceedingly dull, the absence of conversation was filled with the requisite amount of sniffing, fluttering of papers and slightly stilted breathing. They were the sort of circumstances that would normally have brought Rainbow Dash to the point of boredom-induced tears in eight seconds, and Pinkie Pie to the same point in five.

It was to everypony’s surprise when Twilight Sparkle broke the silence first.

“Starlight? Is everything okay?”

“Yes! It should be! Theoretically!” Starlight gulped, staring down at the podium as she readjusted her notes. “I just...need to do the thing that I was supposed to do! Right!”

Cadance coughed. “The thing you were supposed to do?”

“Some sorta spell doohicky,” Applejack replied.

“It shouldn’t be any trouble.” Twilight Sparkle cut in. “She was explaining it to us on the train. It’s nothing to worry about, really.”

Cadance arched an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“Yes! I’m positive! Totally!” Starlight’s horn flared as she opened her mind, searching for the strongest mental frequency she could find. Briefly, her mind flitted over impulses she recognized - a faint hum from Applejack, a slight jolt from Twilight - as she poked around for a signal. If her calculations were correct (and they were, she had checked, there was no way she could have screwed up something this important,) it wouldn’t be difficult to hone in on The Crystal Heart. The hopes of the entire kingdom, resonating at once, would surely have an almost staggering impact-

-and something reached out and touched her brain, something staggeringly and breathtakingly powerful.

A grin spread over Starlight Glimmer’s face. This was it. This was what she had been searching for; this wellspring of consciousness, of confidence, of unbridled capability. With all the voices in the empire coursing through her, she could do anything.

Gosh darn it, she could even give a speech.

Taking a deep breath, Starlight began.

“Thank you, everypony, for coming here today. I’m sure that we’re all keenly aware of the purpose of this meeting, and I know that it’s important to examine the plan itself as soon as possible, so the purpose of this introduction is to provide a brief summary of the plan and clarify any questions you might have. After all, the threat of a Windigo incursion is very real and very serious.”

The air filled with the assembly’s murmurs of assent. Starlight allowed herself the luxury of a small smile, and continued.

“When the Windigos attack - and I’m sure they will, one day - I don’t intend to let them take me lying down.”

The crowd grew silent. Starlight blinked and looked down at her notes. There was nothing in her transcript about “lying down”. I suppose accidents happen, she thought, and pressed on.

“That’s not an ‘if’, everypony. That’s a ‘when’. I know that everypony here loves each other, and expresses their love freely and without inhibition...”

Starlight trailed off again, and did her best to ignore Rarity’s wide-eyed stare and the smirk on Shining Armor’s face.

“...we may all love each other, but we face an implacable foe. The storm outside our kingdom will never cease: this is a sad but immutable fact of life. Only we provide what the Windigos hunger for, and they will not be satisfied until they’ve penetrated our defenses and forced all the love out of our bodies, leaving us filled only with their hatred. We cannot, even for a second, let them inside us, and we can’t let our guard down around them.”

Rainbow Dash covered her mouth, barely suppressing a fit of giggles.

“The problem is - the problem is that they’re faster than we are. Consequently, we need to be able to defend the entire kingdom, at all times. If we leave even one hole in our defenses, they will find a way to plunge inside it.”

Starlight Glimmer tried as hard as she could to ignore Applejack’s incredulous stare and the dark flush in Princess Celestia’s cheeks.

“The crux of the solution that I’ve proposed focuses on two different aspects: mobility and morale. Our weaponry should be more than sufficient to deal with any threat to the kingdom, but we need to shore up our defenses. The Windigos will win in a battle of attrition, but if none of us falls or falters, they won’t be able to do anything to us.”

Ever so slightly, the crowd around Starlight began to relax. Starlight breathed a small sigh of relief. There had been a slight hiccup in her magic; that was it, nothing more. Everything was fine.

“Now, I’ve looked into funding a series of teleportation gates throughout the city, and I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t put too much pressure on the military budget. Right now, the armed forces need to be much more flexible than they currently are, because if we’re caught with our pants down during a full frontal assault, we’re going to be screwed beyond belief-”

Starlight clapped a hoof in front of her mouth. Too late. Rainbow Dash and Shining Armor leaned against the table, legs covering their faces, shoulders heaving in what could only be barely suppressed laughter. Princess Luna and Pinkie Pie stared at Starlight Glimmer, expressions oblivious and vaguely confused.

Everypony else’s faces were set in varying stages of embarrassment.

“We - we need to be able to respond to any call at a moment’s notice. To any, uh. Any incursion. And stuff. Look, warp gates and practice drills. You get the point.” Closing her eyes and gritting her teeth, Starlight concentrated on her spell, on the intensely resonant signal that all but drowned out the presence of everypony else in the room. It had to be the crystal heart, had to be, there wasn’t any other explanation for it. Yet…

Starlight’s voice cracked. “Okay, the other thing. The more important thing. Morale. Just for, uh, just for completeness’ sake, even though we probably already know it, uh, these guys essentially feed off of disharmony. If we start fighting among ourselves, we’ve already lost. With mobility, um, relaying information between our potential squadrons or battalions shouldn’t be difficult. We shouldn’t really have problems with that sort of exchange.”

No obvious errors. Not this time. Message conveyed correctly. Starlight Glimmer clenched the podium hard enough to leave imprints on her hooves. There was no way to make this speech good, but it could be salvaged into something passable. Maybe. Theoretically.

“For additional trust-building exercises, I’ve proposed pairing units into groups of two, similar to the “buddy-cop” system that’s been gaining ground in Manehattan as of late. You’ll have to arrange for a different drilling schedule, but there are brief examples in your handouts of possible alternatives, and a more detailed explanation of each plan in the proper proposal. There should be limited, if any, negative impact on the physical training of the crystal empire guardsponies.”

She had them now. Slowly, the embarrassment on everypony’s face was giving way to trust. Ears flicked in Starlight’s direction; eyes turned back towards the podium.

“If we can foster a deep bond between two ponies, we’ll guarantee that nopony gets left behind when things get rough. And we’ll need that. We’ll need a strong, unified force. We need no casualties, no losses, no disaster. And I think that any two truly willing and dedicated guardsponies will be able to make love in ways that-”

Rainbow Dash and Shining Armor lost it at the exact same time.

Starlight Glimmer slammed her head into the podium.

“Okay, you know what?” She sputtered. “We’re taking five. Please. Everypony go. We’re taking five.”

*****************************************

It was a couple of minutes before Starlight lifted her head from the podium again.

The day hadn’t been full of small mercies, but Starlight accepted the almost empty room as one. Almost enough emptiness to wallow in misery without looking like even more of an idiot than she already had.

The mercy might have been a little more than “small” if Twilight wasn’t still in the room. Which, unfortunately, she was. Even more unfortunately, the expression on her face was so clearly set on “pity” that it couldn’t even be deliberately misconstrued as “disappointed” or “mildly constipated.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Starlight muttered.

“It wasn’t that bad, Starlight.”

“It was that bad.”

“...Even if it was that bad, don’t you still have the other six hundred pages of your official proposal?”

“Five hundred.”

“Okay, five hundred. Still, I’m sure that everypony who looks at your full proposal will be impressed, won’t they?”

“Who’d want to read through five hundred pages of documentation and minutiae?”

“Well-”

“Besides either of us.”

“...I’m sure they’ll find somepony.”

“Great.”

Silence.

“I’m sorry the spell didn’t work, Starlight.”

Starlight ran a hoof through her mane. “It did work, Twilight. I could feel it.”

“You’re absolutely sure that what you were feeling was the crystal heart?”

“Well, what else could it be? Are you telling me that, I dunno, Princess Celestia thinks about perverted stuff all the time?”

“I’m saying that it might have gotten some of your wires mixed up, after all.”

“Twilight, I wrote the spell.”

“And how long did you spend testing and practicing it?”

“Well, obviously…”

Starlight trailed off, waving a hoof around in the air.

“...There’s a moral to be learned from this, isn’t there.”

“I was just about to say-”

“Could it wait until we’re on the train home? Please? I just want a moment to collect myself.”

Twilight stared at Starlight Glimmer, eyebrow quirked. Abruptly, she nodded. “Okay, Starlight. Do what you need to do. I’ll be outside, okay?”

“Okay.”

Starlight rested her head against the podium again, listening to the steadily diminishing sounds of Twilight’s hoof-falls. Eventually, the room fell silent once more.

With a heavy sigh, Starlight pushed herself away from the podium. If nothing else, she could properly organize her proposal before somepony looked at it. Dully, Starlight flipped through her material, circling around the table as she set down large chunk after large chunk in sequential order.

“Mfmbl”

Starlight looked up. In front of her was the bassinet. Peering inside, Starlight saw Flurry Heart’s vacantly cheerful face staring back up at her.

Part of Starlight Glimmer wanted to smile. At least somepony in the castle was still happy, after all.

Another part of Starlight Glimmer was feverishly connecting a set of dots.

A set of dots that formed a picture of a perfectly ludicrous and unthinkably hypothesis.

And without even bothering to consider what she was doing, much less rationalize it, Starlight Glimmer cast Flowerfield’s bidirectional neurotransmission - in laypony’s terms, a “telepathy spell” - on Flurry Heart.

Daaaaaaaaamn, filly, took you long enough! Guess you were a little shy about opening up your mind, huh?

Starlight blinked. “What?”

Man, all the pretty mares be playing hard to get, the voice in Starlight Glimmer’s head purred. Don’t worry, honey, this baby’s gonna take good care of you and your sweet, sweet emotions, mmm-MMM.

“How is…” Starlight Glimmer’s eyes widened. “What in Equestria…?”

Uh-uh. Not what. Who. And who I be, little darlin’, is a true blue bonafide child of love. And dang, you must be my long-lost twinfolk from another kinfolk, ‘cause you’ve got sweet, sweet lovin’ written all over your supple flanks.

“They aren’t...I’m not...this can’t be happening. This seriously can’t be happening.”

Oh, it’s happening, girl! Flurry Heart waved her stubby limbs in the air. I felt your magic touch my mind, little filly, and don’t think i wouldn’t give you some smooth-as-silk diction in reply. That’s how I roll, hot stuff.

“This isn’t supposed to be how it works out!” Starlight slammed a hoof on the floor. “You’re wrong! This is all wrong!”

Look into your heart, babe. If it’s wrong, why does it feel so right?

Flurry Heart squealed.

But this ain’t the way to be, smokin’ flank. You gotta relax! Loosen up a little bit, let your mane down.

“I don’t...no! No! No! Stop it!”

Need a little help, cutie-pie? Here, bring your body closer. I can give you a massage you ain’t ever gonna forget. Or maybe…

Flurry Heart suckled her hoof and made a “buhhhh” sound. Maybe we just need to cut to the chase, sugar. Why don’t we go back up to my crib and make some harmony together?

To anypony else, the face that Flurry Heart made was most likely just a reflex; the sort of spontaneous, happy facial tic that well-adjusted babies were wont to do. But what Starlight Glimmer saw was an unabashed, unmistakable wink.

***************************************************************

The hall outside the war room was empty, save for Twilight Sparkle. The Alicorn hummed patiently as she pretended to flip through Starlight Glimmer’s handouts and discreetly listened in on Starlight’s outbursts.

At last, Starlight Glimmer staggered out of the war room, her ashen-faced expression characteristic of somepony who has seen war far too early in life.

“Starlight? Are you sure you’re okay?” Twilight asked. “I heard you yelling at yourself in there, and-”

“Twilight. Important question.”

“...Yes?”

“Is there a bathroom anywhere near here?”

“Um, well, there should be a lavatory down the hall, first door on the left.”

“No, I mean a proper bathroom. One with a full range of facilities and everything.”

“Well, there’s a guest bedroom two floors above here - I stay there when I’m visiting overnight. It has a washroom with a bath and a cosmetics mirror, if that’s what you meant.”

“Good. Okay, listen.” Eyes bulging, Starlight Glimmer poked a hoof at Twilight Sparkle’s chest. “I’m going to be throwing up in there for the next couple of hours. Then I’m going to spend five hours after that in the bath, trying to get clean. If it sounds like I’m crying, I’m not. Oh, and don’t let anypony else go in there, okay?”

“O...kay?” Twilight tilted her head. “Wait, i didn’t tell you exactly where it is. Let me get a map, and-”

“Nope! I’ll find it on my own. Bye!”

Starlight’s horn glowed teal. Then, with a faint popping sound, she disappeared.

Twilight blinked.

“Huh”, she muttered. “That was different.”

Well,

Pivoting around, Twilight walked back towards the war room. One of the challenges of raising a student was, of course, having to deal with the little issues: improper tableware placement, complete bungling of formal proposals in front of royalty, minor histrionic outbursts, and so on. It was nothing that a princess of Equestria couldn’t handle. She’d just set the papers back on the table, tell her friends she’d be back in a flash and convince Starlight Glimmer that months upon months of friendship lessons hadn’t, in fact, been completely nullified by one bout of ineptitude.

In fact, they probably hadn’t even been 93% nullified. Probably.

Twilight set the handouts neatly in front of her chair, pondering whether or not to tidy up everypony else’s handouts.

“Bahhhhhhh” burbled a voice from across the table.

Twilight looked up. Cadance’s bassinet sat next to the table, emitting gurgling noises. Twilight trotted over to it, smiling down at the baby alicorn inside.

“Well, at least somepony’s happy,” Twilight chuckled. Flurry Heart giggled, curling her hooves in front of her chest. Humming contentedly, Twilight turned back towards the door and was just about to leave when the strangest of thoughts struck her.

A perfectly ludicrous and utterly unthinkable hypothesis, specifically.

Twilight froze for a second. Then, with an abashed smile, she shook her head.

“What am i thinking? Flurry Heart’s just a baby. If anypony's thoughts are completely pure, it's almost certainly her."

Author's Note

The real tragedy is that Flurry Heart's already been established as a literal heartbreaker.
I fear for the future of everypony in Equestria.