Double Trouble

(D)

I brought my hands to my eyes, rubbing furiously to rid them of the white annoyance. Once I did, I inspected the crowd of ponies and found the perpetrator: It was a little pegasus colt holding a camera and who had a feather as his cutie mark. It was Featherweight, the photographer.

“Watch the flash on that thing, kid.” I told the lightweight foal. He gave me a ‘sorry’ kind of look and tucked his camera under his wing. The crowd, however, murmured excitedly. I heard stuff like “They can talk!” and “They look weird!”. I even heard a female say “The one in the jacket is cute!”. That last comment made me feel uncomfortable.

“Hey there,” said a voice behind me. I turned around and, lo and behold, I was greeted by the sight of the tuxedo man, Zero. He held a sly smirk on his face and his tuxedo looked like shit; it looked as if he put it in a hurry - it was crinkled in some areas and was stained with... fluid. My skin crawled.

“Hey, what’s up, man. Got some sleep in?” he asked. I nodded my head in response. Aside from that disturbing dream, I got some sleep in and my body feels great. I felt that I could take on anything in this world. “Dude, can you believe - wait, you’re a brony, right?” I nodded wordlessly again. “Can you believe that we are IN Equestria! I mean, this is every brony’s dream! We’ll get to meet everyone from the show, eat cake with Pinkie, watch Rainbow Dash fly and we’ll just be able to live here in peace.” he gushed. He was taking this very well despite the fact WE BOTH DIED TO GET HERE! Whatever, I thought, I won’t spoil his fun.

All the while, the entire town was watching our exchange with open ears and puzzled looks. A particular mare approached us.

“Ahem. I would like to ask you to gentlecolts some questions. As would you all, correct?” A mare with gray hair and a dull brown coat stepped in before me and Zero. When she turned to the crowd to address them, I got a look at her flank - and no, not to check her out - I saw that her cutie mark was a scroll tied with a blue ribbon. It didn’t take a genius to figure out it was Mayor Mare. There she was clear as day, with her glasses and grey - though the real color of it was pink - hair. I looked to the sky, several pegasi were watching from the clouds. They ducked their heads when I looked at them. A certain blonde pegasus with wonky eyes looked confused but then did the same two seconds later. Silly Derpy.

“...Yes, those are fine terms. You have a deal!” I came back out of my stupor to see Zero and the Mayor shaking hand and hoof. The Mayor turned to the murmuring crowd and addressed the gossiping equines. “Fillies and Gentlecolts! These two peculiar individuals mean us no harm. In fact, they are willing to answer your questions and work in our community, putting in some of their energy to benefit the town!” she said. The ponies mumbled happily. Work!? When the fuck did I say that I was going to work with anyone?

“Hey, why did she say we were going to work!” I growled to Zero. He turned to me with a smug smirk -- this guy was going to get on my nerves.

“While you were being a Helen Keller deaf-mute, I talked to the Mayor about our living conditions in the town. I told her we weren’t a threat to the town and that if we were given a place to stay, we would work for the community to earn our keep,” he explained. My right eye twitched - I am - was a computer expert, not a damn field worker or stall vendor.. or whatever these ponies do for jobs. “..Also, I promised that we would answer any questions the town may have.” he said. This guy just made me a slave for these ponies. I will get him for this.

“Ahem, if you gentlecolts are done arguing, there are some questions you should be answering.” Mayor Mare told us. I threw Zero an annoyed glare, to which he just smiled, and turned to the crowd. A majority of them had their hooves raised in the air, expecting that we’d give them a satisfying answer. I took in a deep breath and randomly chose a hoof.

“Yes, you in the back. Come up here so I can see you.” I said, ambivalent to the issue. Zero and I stood expectantly to see who the pony was. She cantered from the crowd, her elegant hair bobbing in each step, and as she appeared, her creamy white coat and sapphire blue eyes made my jaw drop. I had seen her many times in the show beforehand.. but never in person; Rarity stood there in front of me now, though, looking at me with those beautiful eyes. Her beauty was practically giving her an angelic glow. If it wasn’t for my dignity and ethics, I would have kissed her right then and there. Rarity cleared her throat and spoke:

“I couldn’t help but notice that the outfits both of you are wearing...” This is Rarity - of course she’d talk about our clothes. “...are simply marvelous!” What? A wrinkled, jizz-stained tuxedo and an emo-hipster outfit are marvelous? Sweetheart, what are you smoking? “Your tuxedo may be stained but with a quick wash, it will be restored to its original, magnificent shape!” Rarity smoked pot, no doubt about it. “You have such an otherworldly set of clothes that give you such a dark and dashing look. Your race must have a myriad of wonderful styles unheard of! Tell me, both of you, what are your secrets?” She was looking up to us with with an excited smile, waiting for our ‘secrets of chic and fashion’. Zero and I looked at each other with a ‘seriously’ look. I kneeled down to her level.

“Black. Use black in everything. It makes everything sexy, so use it in conjunction with purple.” I said. I just told her the ultimate secret to looking sexy, at least in my book, so she better appreciate it. Rarity gave me a quizzical look and was going to respond until the Mayor silenced her.

“Okay Rarity, you’ll have to ask them on your own time. Bye bye now.” she pushed her away, to my disappointment. I wanted to keep on chatting with her.

The rest of the questioning was normal as it could be. Both me and Zero chose eager mares, stallions, and foals, asking things a normal person would if they met an alien. “Where did you come from?”,“How do you use those claws?”,“How do you stand up on two legs?”,“Do you eat ponies?”.. Really general questions that were really starting to bore me and with the sun beating down on both Zero and me just made it even more unbearable.

“Alright, everyone. Those are all the questions we are going to take. I hope we satisfied you all with our answers and I look forward to living and working with you all.” I ended this dreadful interview with a sigh. Mayor Mare looked happy with the way this whole thing ended as she turned to address the crowd again.

“Everypony, please give a round of applause to our new additions to town, Hector and Zero!” The crowd stomped in an exuberant response to the mayor pony’s request. It was really unnecessary but I took it - I was just glad this little ‘meeting’ was over. Ponies waved at us as they dispersed from the area - some saying “Welcome to Ponyville!” or they just gave a simple wave with their hoof and left. However, most of the females were winking at us.

“Jesus, this better not turn into a regular thing.” I sighed, annoyed. I felt uncomfortable that ponies were calling me cute and just looking at me with bedroom eyes. I mean, during the damn Q&A, one of the ‘unrecognizable’ background ponies was standing awkwardly close to me and at the end when she asked for a hug - which as you can imagine, I was ecstatic to agree - and In the middle of it, she nuzzled my neck and cooed. You have no idea how uncomfortable that was.

“Yo, Hector. The Mayor is calling us.” Zero called. I looked back at him and nodded my head, following to the lone Mayor. We walked up to the Mayor as she produced two impressive-looking gold keys and handed them to us along with a small bag of coins, which I assumed were bits, and a carrot. I was confused, what were these items - aside from the coins and carrots - for?

“Miss Mayor, what are these keys for?” I asked.

“These keys are for your new homes. I’ve decided to give you both some homes that I was going to schedule for demolition. Think of it as a friendly gesture from us,” she explained to me. A free house, huh? I’d have to see it for myself ‘cause she did say they were scheduled for demolition. Zero, once again, was smiling like a methed-up chump at this news. “Hector, your house will be near the Carousel Boutique, which is Miss Rarity’s business. She is a good mare and has a great taste for style so I am sure you and her will be great friends considering your race’s expertise at fashion.” I felt like jumping around the town yelling, “I’m going to live next to my favorite pony!” right then and there. “As for you Zero, you shall be living in a building next to Sweet Apple Acres, the home and farm of the Apple family. They are always looking for an extra hoof to help around the region. I’m sure you’ll have nice time with them,” she told Zero. I got a look at Zero’s face when she mention the words ‘live’, ‘next’ and ‘Sweet Apple Acres’. He looked as if his heart stopped, jumped out of his chest, and smashed itself with a hammer. I think somebody’s favorite pony is Applejack.

“Well then, make me proud. We are giving you both a chance to live here among us in peace so I expect you two to return to our community. Look around the town, I am sure ponies will be needing your help or have jobs for you. Goodbye and welcome to Ponyville!” And with that, the Mayor turned around and walked down a trail that leads into Ponyville. My new life - that I have to bust my ass to build - starts now.

“Hehehe, would it have killed her to give us some maps? Right, Ze...ro?” I turned and saw that the tuxedo man nowhere to be found. He just abandoned me here to probably start some sexual escapades with the inhabitants just like he did with Redheart.

“Dickwipe.” I audibly cursed Zero. Taking a bite out of the carrot I was given and pocketing the bag of coins and the key, I bid farewell to the hospital behind me and walked down the path to the town.

.

.

.

“Oh, are you shitting me!?” After 30 minutes of asking around town and remembering scenes of the show that showed the Carousel, I found my ‘home’... if you could call it that. It was a creaky, old, two-story building that was repairable but would be a bitch to fix it.. and live in it. “I guess with some work and money, I could have this place fixed up.” I said, optimistically. I looked up and saw the sun ducking down the mountain where Canterlot was and would soon be replaced by the moon and the night sky.

“Hector, darling! How have been? I haven’t been able to speak a word to you ever since the meeting!” I turned and saw the beautiful Rarity, flashing a genuine smile. I felt my face heat up as I walked towards Rarity and.. Fluttershy? “Hector, you must meet my friend, Fluttershy.” She moved the timid pegasus in front of her. I kneeled down to her level and put up my hand to shake her hoof. However, instead of cowering behind her pink mane like I had expected, she smiled at me and returned the gesture.

“It is very, very nice to meet you, Mr. Hector.” she said with a strange giggle. Her face started to blush and her shaking became more fervent. I immediately pulled my hand back and stood back up as Rarity spoke up.

“Hector, are you going to live.. here?! In.. that?!” she said as she pointed a shocked hoof towards the creaky house.

“Unfortunately but once I have enough money, I can-”

“No.. nonononono! Absolutely not!” she yelled dramatically, stomping her hoof to the ground to emphasize her point. “I will not allow somepony with such exquisite fashion tastes like yourself, live in a drab, run-down, shack such as that! You will live with me until you have the means to call this place home.” She put on the cutest, most serious face I have ever seen. I swear I felt my heart burst out of the cuteness.

“Rarity, I can’t do that. I’ll be fi-” I was interrupted again.

“I will not take no for an answer. You will-” This time Rarity was interrupted by Fluttershy, who was whispering something I could not make out.

“What? Oh right! Oh, I completely forgot!” Rarity looked disheveled about something. She looked back up to me.

“Darling, we actually came here to bring you with us. Our friend Twilight and two guests of hers wanted to speak privately to you and your other friend, Zero!” Her pupils dilated. Before I could say anything else, Rarity beckoned me to follow her. By beckoned, I meant she wrapped her hoof, which somehow had a strong grip on me, and made me start running with her.

“I’ll explain when we get there!” Letting go of my hand she started galloping towards our destination, with me right behind and Fluttershy flying a little too close to my face.

(S)

I recoiled from the intense shine of whatever had created the blinding flash, but I held my hands over my eyes and tried looking up. At least I wasn’t harming myself with the impulses my mind wanted to act on. Trying to think logically, I just stared up for a few seconds with my eyes watering, blurring the clouds above. I put a hand in front of my eyes and waved it just to make sure they were okay before looking back down.

I got that flash right in the damn face when I didn’t expect it, I angrily thought to myself. There was a buzzing crowd of variously colored ponies that all appeared to be looking towards the two humans exiting the hospital. I blinked a few rogue tears away before realizing that the scene before me somehow didn’t even surprise me, regardless of how much it would for any normal human. It was odd, even for a brony; we all wish to go to Equestria, but how many actually get to go?

I didn’t see the source of the flash, but nevertheless I began wondering if this audience would disappear soon. I mean, it wasn’t as if they were looking at us like zoo animals, nope! I saw the other guy, Hector, and decided to greet him. “Hey there!” I said, with exaggerated friendliness. He didn’t seem overly thrilled to see me again, so I decided to take the initiative. I made some small talk, and he hardly responded. “The whole town is waiting,” I prodded. He didn’t respond quickly enough, so I approached the rim of the crowd myself.

“How is everypony on this fine day?” I yelled, using some of the lingo I had heard on the show. I heard some loud murmuring in response, but I couldn’t really hear over the din. A pony I couldn’t recognize at first approached both of us humans. Once I could make out the grayed hair, I almost immediately realized who it was - Mayor Mare. I couldn’t hear most of what she was talking about because of the crowd, but I caught the gist of it.

What she was trying to get across was that she and the inhabitants of Ponyville wanted to ask us some questions. I stepped up to interrupt the Mayor before she could begin her inquiries. While Hector stood off to the side staring at her ass, I tried to work out a deal. I murmured to her.. no, it was more like a low yell, “What say we answer all of your questions in return for somewhere to stay in town? We will not hurt anypony, and we would be happy to perform manual labor to earn our keep..”

Mayor Mare seemed content with my offer and explained it to the crowd, which momentarily became quieter. I saw Hector straighten up as if he’d been smacked with a whip before he asked me in a low, angered voice what had just been agreed to. With an amused smirk, I told him exactly what I had offered for Mayor Mare - adding some tasteful insult, of course. Hector seemed to be furious at me for signing us both up without consulting him, but I didn’t really care. After all, what person wouldn’t work to live in a utopia such as this?

The mayor interrupted us in the middle of our conversation so that she could begin asking the questions that she and all of Ponyville wanted answers to. Hector shot me an irritated glare, but I ignored it. She had Hector select someone, and he randomly chose from the crowd, most of which held their hooves up. We waited patiently for the lucky viewer to reach the front of the audience. When she finally emerged, I had thought Hector’s heart had stopped for a moment.

Hector’s jaw literally popped open as he watched the gorgeous pony approach. I wasn’t quite as thrilled as he was, but even I had to admit that she was very refined. It was Rarity, the pony described in the show as the holder of the element of Generosity. Of course, the question began with how much she liked our clothes -- she was a fashionista, after all.

Fortunately, Rarity’s constant stream of fashion-related nonsense - that I didn’t care much about - ended when Mayor Mare decided that she had asked enough. Having learned more about Hector’s fashion sense than mine, Rarity probably liked him more - but that was fine by me! Rarity left us and disappeared back in the audience, then the rest of the questioning went by without much incident. As expected, the town most asked a bunch of questions related to how we used certain features on our bodies and where we came from.. that kind of thing. Mayor Mare seemed content with the amount of questions we answered before we closed up shop, so I figured that the deal was set.

Finally, the mayor had had the crowd applaud for us - even though most of the questions were common things that any self-respecting human could answer. Hector and I were just glad the interview was over, and now it seemed as if we could freely roam Ponyville as the crowd dispersed. However, Mayor Mare remained behind, and beckoned us over to her. Taking the signal, I went towards her, trying to get Hector to come with me.

When we had gotten close enough to Mayor Mare, she produced two shiny keys and some other products we needed, and handed them to us.

Hector just looked at the key for a moment, but I was already ecstatic. The mayor had, in her infinite wisdom - and no, I’m not even being sarcastic - positioned us in households near our respective saviours. I had a rundown barn in the Sweet Apple Acres, and Hector had a creaky old building near the Carousel Boutique. From what the mayor said about them being scheduled for demolition, I figured both were completely empty of furniture, carpets, and wallpaper, along with many other negative attributes, but everything could be fixed with some hard work involved. Of course.. we had some other hard work to attend to as jobs, but we didn’t quite know what those were yet. The mayor said her goodbyes and left us.

With a newfound sense of freedom, I left for my home; I went south to the Sweet Apple Acres and left Hector to his own business - we were probably going to meet again anyway. I didn’t have to go too far before I reached the outskirts of the apple-bearing trees. I walked up to a tree and examined it; it looked very sturdy. I looked around to make sure no-one was trying, then I emulated my favorite pony by kicking the tree with all my strength. One apple dropped - I was slightly disappointed in my kicking ability, but also relieved that my near-death experience hadn’t completely destroyed my old leg power.

“Yer not too bad fer a beginner.” At the sudden voice, I jumped high enough to hit a low branch. Grabbing my head in irritation, I turned around to find another familiar face in the space between two apple trees. I was startled out of my mind when I saw it was Applejack, my personal favorite pony, and she was sitting and watching me with an expression of amusement. “Most ponies not from th’ Sweet Apple Acres can’t even knock down a single apple. ..I knew ya’d come by here soon, since yer house ain’t too far from here,” she explained. It felt like my heart had dropped out of my body, as if it had just been attached to an anchor and that anchor was tossed overboard. Was this how Hector had felt earlier..?

“I.. I..” I was absolutely speechless. For once in my life I didn’t have anything snarky or sarcastic to say. I knew I was blushing too, because my face was unnaturally warm, and knowing this made me embarrassed as well.

“Ya don’t gotta be embarrassed ‘bout me watchin’ ya,” Applejack said, misinterpreting my blushing. “I’m sure yer gonna be a good bucker by th’ time ya start workin’ ‘round here.” Strangely, her voice seemed gentle and comforting. Maybe Applejack was remembering when she herself was a newbie at applebucking.. maybe she was just trying to help me out. Either way, I still found it hard to continue from her part of the conversation.

“A-Applejack.. you’re.. Applejack?..” I asked wondrously, feeling woozy enough to faint at any moment. She nodded her head, seeming surprised that I already knew her name. Applejack probably assumed that Nurse Redheart or one of the doctors had told me, and that excuse was good enough for me. She didn’t ask, and that was fine by me. Applejack beckoned me over, and when I got close enough she got up and darted into the small forest of apple trees. I wasn’t willing to let her out of my sight yet, so I ran in pursuit of Applejack, always seeing the tip of her tail swerving left or right between more trees.

Finally, Applejack came to a stop. I came to a stop as well - but more slowly - then bent down and panted a little. Apparently either running on all fours wasn’t as energy-demanding as on two legs, or she was much more athletic than me - I guessed both.

I regarded her with a stare that seemed to be asking, ‘why did I just run all the way here?’ In response, Applejack nodded her head upwards, and I looked up and past her face for the first time. A huge barn was directly ahead, bigger than any I had ever seen before - it looked as broken-down as the mayor had described, but it was nicer-looking than I had expected. The dark gray wooden walls were cracked in some places, but some minor work would fix that. She walked inside, and without hesitation I followed.