Oceans of Darkness

by nobody_in_particular

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Scootaloo, Tragedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 6198

Sometimes when the pain is too heavy to carry around with you all the time, you have to write everything down, which is what I'm doing now. I can't believe they haven't noticed by now that there must be something wrong.

Scootaloo is 13 years old and living in her house with regular visits from the rest of the former Cutie Mark Crusaders. She now has Rainbow Dash, Soarin, and the rest of the Wonderbolts as her adopted family. She has a secret, but she can't tell anypony because she doesn't want to be alone again.

One day all of her emotions are too much for her, so she writes everything down on a piece of paper.

CONTAINS: Suicidal thoughts, self-harming, and homosexuality

DISCLAIMER: What some people may take from this story is that I must assume Scootaloo is a lesbian, but that's is not at all correct. The only reason I chose Scootaloo for this story is because she is the pony that resembles me the most, in personality and appearance. So yes, this story is based loosely off of me.

Published 2016-07-06 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-03 03:52:03 UTC

Entry 2

Entry 2

Rumble wasn’t at the breakfast this morning, so I’ll have to wait until school starts again to tell him. Thinking about the wait is making me even antsier than I already am.

Pipsqueak, Apple Bloom’s coltfriend, was there. Part of me kind of wanted to tell him since we’re friends, but Pip’s an over reactor. I don’t know how he’ll take the news.

I was talking to Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, about Rumble. They kept bringing up all these times when I’ve gotten so ticked off at him that I end up chasing him around everywhere, sometimes lasting for about ten minutes.

“Look, I love Rumble,” I had said. “But sometimes he can be so obnoxious.”

The two filly’s mouths had fallen open after I said that. That’s one of the most annoying parts about ponies who don’t know you sexuality. They always accuse you of having crushes on colts.

Right then I almost said, “I don’t love him like that, I’m gay,” but I decided against it. I don’t think I know them well enough to the point where I’d tell them a big personal thing like that.

And besides, even though Diamond Tiara is no longer being pushed around by her abusive mother, her parents might not let her converse with a pony like me, considering their regal status in Ponyville.

I don’t know about Silver Spoon. I remember one night I came over to her house to have dinner, and her parents and little brother were all so nice. But still, you never know which ponies you can count on and which ones will turn on you.

In the long run, I guess it means that those who leave you just because of who you are aren’t really your friends, but if the CMC left me behind, would that mean that all those years of crusading together really meant nothing?

I’ve seen groups of up to thirty ponies at once holding signs that discriminate against us and insult us. They always stand on this one street corner, throwing things at any two ponies of the same gender that are holding hooves. And if you thought they’d restrain themselves when it came to young fillies and

colts, you’d be wrong. I learned to avoid them quickly. The only problem was that the street they were on was the one I used to get to school every morning, and since my wings are still very weak, I had to take a longer route. Mrs. Cheerilee gave me detention every morning for being so late. After detention I would run home and cry into my pillow.

Soon after, I explained my situation and she let me off easily. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that my tears probably would’ve flooded the whole classroom as I tried to speak. Either way, she stopped giving me a hard time about it and told anypony who asked that my house was very far way, so it took me longer.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle still haven’t given it a rest, though. They’ve seen where my house is, and they also know that some days Rainbow Dash or Soarin could fly me to school when they don’t have Wonderbolt’s practice. I wouldn’t let them come with me because I knew they would start asking questions. All of the assignments I had to make up didn’t bother me.

Now things are different, since the mayor banned any more anti-gay protesters to harass the ponies of Ponyville anymore. I’m kind of ticked off she didn’t do that a while ago.

Soarin and Rainbow Dash were a bit skeptical about me not going on that street anymore. They said that it was weird how I was reacting to those protesters, especially since they were doing nothing to harm me. But after trying to get me to open up a few times (with failing results, I might add) they eventually gave up.

I suppose that when they kept asking me why I was so bothered by those ponies, it meant they cared, so I shouldn’t be afraid. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing, like there is a pony on either side of me, each holding on to one of my forelegs and pulling me in different directions.

Maybe one day I’ll finally break. Those ponies will tear me in half and I’ll go crazy. All I want is to lead a normal life and be happy, but is that even possible now?

Entry 3 (Cutting)

Entry 3 (Cutting)

I’m scared. It’s that kind of scared where you can’t move or open your eyes. Your whole body shakes and you’re pouring cold sweat. I’m too scared to even be bawling.

I can’t believe what I just tried to do. I have no idea why I did it. It was like something just started controlling me. It started last night when I couldn’t sleep. It was very late, and also really hot, so I decided to take a walk.

Rainbow Dash installed an escape hatch and a rope ladder in my room so I could get in and out of the floating house. When I stood up, though, I found myself walking downstairs instead of to the hatch.

I reached the kitchen and looked around at my surroundings. I was so confused; what was I doing here? Then my eyes fell on their target: the knife holder. I walked over to it and grabbed a sharp, thin one. I held it in my mouth and lifted my hoof up.

Part of me wanted to scream for help or run away, but all I could do was watch. It was like I was watching a movie. Like I was looking through the eyes of another pony.

I tried to convince myself that it wouldn’t hurt. Once I was being dumb and accidentally got a fork stuck deep in my hoof. It didn’t really hurt so badly. And just last week I spilled boiling water on my arms, and it wasn’t very hot.

My head started bending down as my hoof rose up. The orange hoof in front of my eyes started to shake. The blade grazed my fur, not even hard enough to penetrate it, and then I was me again. I dropped the knife out of my mouth and jumped away from it as it landed on the cloud floor.

My heart raced and I held my breath. I didn’t want to move, but I also wanted to run to the comfort of my bed. The only thing stopping me were the walls of darkness pushing in from all sides, suffocating me. In that moment I left completely alone. It was my decision what happened next.

There was a rustling sound from somewhere in the house, and I bit back a scream as I ran to my room and dove under the sheets. I felt freezing cold and burning hot at the same time. As I stared into the fuzzy green of my blanket, one thought raced through my mind:

What if I hadn’t stopped myself?

Entry 5 (Telling Babs)

So I decided to tell Babs today. It went over really, well, and I couldn’t wait to go home and write down everything so I’d never forget.

She was staying with Apple Bloom again, so I figured it was the perfect time. The whole thing happened like this:

I walked up to the barn and looked inside. Applejack was there, stacking bales of hay. When she heard me clear my throat she turned around.

“Howdy there, Scootaloo.” She said, tipping her hat. “What can I do ya for?”

“Is Babs Seed here?” I asked.

“She’s in the kitchen, helping with the apple peeling.”

“OK, thanks.” I said, wanting to get it over with as fast as possible. I turned around and galloped to the kitchens, where I was met by the delicious smell of apple pie.

Babs turned around and smiled at me. “Hey, Scoots. What’s up?” she set the apple she was peeling on the table and came over to me.

“You alright? Ya look a bit frazzled.”

I nodded slightly. “I’m fine. Listen, there’s something important I need to tell you.”

“Okay.” she said casually. Let’s go to my room.”

Once we got there I closed the door behind me and sighed. “Look, Babs, this isn’t easy…”

She never broke eye contacts with me as she sat on the edge of her bed.

“I just wanted to tell you that…I’m…” I turned my head away and tried not to choke as I sputtered the last word.

“Gay.” I shut my eyes tightly and wished I could sink into the floor.

I heard the tapping sounds her hooves made as she walked over to me and put an arm around my shoulders. “It’s all good, Scootaloo. Us cool ponies need to stick together, right?” I looked over at her so make sure she wasn’t joking. She had her hoof out for a hoof bump.

“Yeah,” I said sheepishly while bumping her hoof. “I guess we do.”

“I kind of figured.” Babs said. “I mean, when we were talking about boys you never seemed really into the discussion. And those times when we accused you about you and Rumble…”

I stared at my hooves. “Scootaloo?” I looked back up at my friend.

“You didn’t have to worry about me not liking you. I’m from the big city, remember? I’m used to stuff like this. Besides, I think lesbian couples are kind of cute. And judging from the way you look at Sweetie Belle…”

“Hey, that’s enough!” I said angrily. Then we both laughed our heads off, because, if you think about it, she was right. I *shouldn’t have been afraid.*

How Scootaloo Got Her Crush

The beginning didn’t really start that day, or that, morning, or even before I decided to enter the competition. It started when the other ponies at my table decided they wanted to have a drawing contest. I agreed, and started drawing a picture of a pony dressed in a long, red ball gown.

I didn’t end up winning, because Featherweight is a really good artist, but the others though my picture was so good that I should enter the school district’s annual art competition.

I thought it was a good idea, especially since my (late) older brother won first place for three years straight. That was another thing I used to struggle with: comparing myself to my brother.  He was very popular and always won at everything.

Anyways, we had a big assembly with all of the other schools. During the assembly there would be a slideshow of all the art that the students had drawn. To tell you the truth, I felt very proud of my drawing and how good it was. That feeling quickly vanished, though, as the competition’s hostess began to announce the names of everypony who participated.

I waited and waited for my name to be called but it never came. The lump in my throat and the fresh tears behind my eyes grew heavier with each passing second.

Rumble leaned over to me and whispered quietly, “The hostess said of she didn’t call your name you can go up anyway.”

“I think I’ll wait a moment longer.” I replied. “I don’t want to make a scene of myself.”

Soon the mare reached the last of the list, and my name was never said. I desperately wanted to hide in the bathroom and cry in one of the stalls, but I managed to hold on a bit longer.

I avoided talking to anypony as we got back to the classroom and got our backpacks. While I was putting my papers in mine, Featherweight came up to me.

“Hey, I thought you entered. I saw your picture in the slideshow and I was there when you drew it.”

“Yeah,” I choked out, already tearing up after saying just one word. I got my stuff and stood in the line, trying to pull myself together. I’m not sure how many ponies know this, but Mrs. Cheerilee is a teacher that actually likes to converse normally with her students when she has the chance.

“Scootaloo, how’re you doing?” she asked politely.

“Fine,” I said, looking her in the eye, certain I didn’t look like I could turn into a sobbing mess at any moment.

She motioned with her hoof for me to follow her. We walked into the hall and said, “Are you feeling alright?”

Well, that did it, alright. A sob escaped my mouth, and then another. Gosh, I was so embarrassed. Crying in the middle of school, able to be seen by anypony who happened to be passing by. I tried to stop as fast as possible, which is actually a lot harder than it sounds.

Mrs. Cheerilee put a hoof around my shoulders and led me to the gym to see the hostess, but unfortunately she had already left. Cheerilee told me that apparently there were about four other students that also had not gotten recognition. Suddenly I felt even worse inside. I’ll bet they didn’t cry!

After the bell rang I tried to leave as fast as possible and get home so I could let all my sadness out in peace. Unfortunately, karma had other plans. As soon as I left the building I ran into Sweetie Belle not literally) and I weakly said, “Hi.”

“You look sad, Scootaloo,” she said, and lead me over to the side of the school where not many ponies were. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close. I started sobbing into her shoulder. For those moments, it was just me and her, and nothing else mattered. All I could feel were the loving arms around me and the sound of her breathing, while everything else stayed black.

Then I heard another voice in my ear: Apple Bloom’s. “Scootaloo? Are you okay?” I pulled back from Sweetie and tried to wipe the tears away, but my efforts proved to be in vain, as the tears kept flowing out of my eyes. The last thing I wanted right now was to attract attention to myself.

A hoof was placed on my shoulder. It was Rumble. “Scootaloo?”

“Go away. Scootaloo doesn’t want any boys here,” Sweetie Belle said.

“No, please stay,” I said, looking over at him. Suddenly to schools doors flew open and a pink blur ran over.

“Scoots, that was amazing!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, throwing her hooves around me. Now I was actually completely confused.

“What do you mean?” I asked, sniffing.

“Your picture, duh!” Silver Spoon said, now standing by Diamond’s side.

I looked down. “Oh, you saw that, huh?”

“Everypony did!” Diamond Tiara said, releasing me. The two seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was crying.

“See you later, Scootaloo!” Apple Bloom said, giving me a quick hug. “I gotta go finish up my chores.”

“I should probably get home, too.” I said.

“Need some water after losing all those fluids, eh?” Rumble said, making me crack a smile.

As I walked home that day, I felt like crying all over again, but this time it was because I was so happy I had such good friends.

There was also this other time when I had a late-night party with the other CMC. This was bfore I had figured out I was a lesbian. We were playing truth or dare, and Sweetie Belle and I stood next to each other, apart from the others.

“I dare myself to kiss you on the cheek.” she said quickly, and leaned over and kissed me. That moment was very brief, but I would remember her soft lips on my fur forever.

When she pulled away she blushed and said, “Sorry, but I just love you so much.” I know she meant platonically, but I guess some sort of pre-lesbian instinct in me kicked in, because, even though I couldn’t think straight, I said, “I dare myself to kiss you back,” and so I did.

I couldn’t tell you how long I had my lips on her cheek, I really couldn’t tell. My heart started racing so fast I could have jumped to the moon. I could remember smelling her mane and being amazed at how soft her fur was. I’m sure when I pulled away that my face was entirely red, but I wasn’t sure. The whole rest of that night was a blur.

I’m not really sure what Sweetie Belle thinks of me. We have been best friends since the first grade. I know she hasn’t mentioned that kiss ever. But she does give me a lot of hugs.

14 Years

It’s the night before my 14th birthday. I’ve been planning for tonight for 4 years. I’ve always known that on the night before my 14th birthday I’d write a letter to my guardian, explaining my secret to them. I never imagined I’d also have to admit it to Soarin, too. What if he breaks up with her because of me?

I wrote the letter, placed it on their pillow, and went to bed early so I wouldn’t have to see their reaction.

I have the letter memorized by heart. I’ve been writing it in my head for years. The only thing, though, is if they do reject me, I’m not sure I’ll want to remember it. That would be like eternal torture, not being able to forget the one thing that ruined your life.

All week I’ve been shaking and sweating. This is way scarier than I expected it to be. I’ve already been an orphan before, and I’d never felt more lonely. I don’t want that to happen again.

Once Twilight was telling us (me, Sweetie, and Apple Bloom) to be mindful of the choices we make, because some people mess up their life so badly it’s like a bad dream that you can never wake up from. Maybe if I’m ostracized by the others then I can throw myself off of my balcony, so that they can live with the guilt that they caused a murder forever. Finally they could feel my pain.

I wonder about those people who say those awful things about us. Do they really know what they’re doing to LGBT ponies? Do they know how many murders they’re responsible for? If I was an orphan again, maybe there wouldn’t be much left to live for, even though others say there are.

Maybe the pain of rejection and being alone again would wash out any other physical pain I’d feel. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see tomorrow morning.

Rainbow Dash and Soarin

Rainbow Dash and Soarin

Rainbow Dash and Soarin landed on the front porch of Rainbow’s house. She grabbed the key from under the doormat and pushed it into the lock.

“Scootaloo’s probably in bed by now.” she said, finally getting the door to open. They walked in, not bothering to turn on the light because of how late at night it was. They walked up the stairs to her room, which was a very cozy-looking room.

Rainbow walked into her bathroom and began flossing her teeth with a pick from the small bag on the vanity.

“Hey Dash?” said Soarin from the bed. “There’s a letter here addressed to us.”

Rainbow set her pick own. “What?” she asked nopony in particular as she found Soarin inspecting a piece of paper. He handed it to her and she began reading it. “Dear Rainbow Dash and Soarin…”

It didn’t take Rainbow Dash very long to start breaking down. She had gotten no farther than the first two paragraphs when she started letting out very un-Rainbow Dash-like sobs. She sat on the edge of the bed, her face pressed into Soarin’s shoulder.

“I’m so stupid, Soarin. I should have known something was up. I’m her sister for Celestia’s sake!” With a shaking blue hoof she handed the letter to him. “You have to read the rest for me. I can’t do it.”

Soarin took the letter and read the next bit, his eyes a bit misty. Scootaloo was part of his family, and the fact that she had felt so alone and afraid was crazy saddening. However, none of that could in any way be equivalent to what he felt next.

“And Soarin,” His voice cracked when he read his name. “Please don’t leave Rainbow Dash……I should be the one to go…..I won’t have to be a disappointment…..I love you both. I’m sorry.”

Soarin wrapped both hooves around Rainbow, not letting go of the note. Poor Scootaloo, he thought. Who knows how much she’s suffered… I wonder if she’s still awake.

Actually, Scootaloo was not awake then, surprisingly. For some reason that night she felt no need to cry for an hour or so before sleeping, which was new. One would think that she would be even more nervous than usual tonight, but that was simply not the case.

Her dreams were not filled with possibilities of being left alone and ostracized. Instead she was dreaming of Sweetie Belle and her falling in love.

She stayed asleep even when four pairs of hooves walked up behind her bed. She slept through Rainbow Dash leaning down and kissing her cheek, tears plopping on Scootaloo’s face while the mare said, “I’m so sorry, Scootaloo. I love you.” She slept through Soarin stroking her mane and saying, “We’re not gonna give you up, Scoots, never.”

In truth Scootaloo actually would’ve wanted to have been awake right then, but sadly she would never know they had been there that night.

Scootaloo was off in her own world then, dreaming of her one true love and…certain things. And it was perfect.

That is, until morning.

Home

Home

I wake up as soon as the sunlight starts seeping in through the windows. I sit up and stretch. The first thing I think about it my birthday. I had completely forgotten about it until now… And then I remember last night.

Oh yeah. Well, this is gonna suck.

I sigh in defeat and throw my covers off. Maybe it won’t be so bad.

Yeah right.

I trot down the hall and into the living room, which is completely empty. So is the kitchen. Did they have Wonderbolts’ practice early today, or did they just forget? I’ll bet they’re still asleep. I guess they did get back pretty late last night.

I walk over to the supply closet to get the broom and dustpan. Sweeping the floors was something I do every morning, after all. I open the door to the closet and two ponies jump out, yelling, “Surprise!”

I’m so startled I scream and fall backwards, landing on my back. Two laughing faces appear above me: Rainbow Dash and Soarin.

I start laughing too, because even though I was on the receiving side of a really good prank, it was still hilarious. Rainbow Dash pulls me up on all four of my hooves.

“Okay, Okay,” Rainbow said, trying to stop giggling. “I have something very, very special for you.” I stop brushing the dust off of my coat and look up at her. “Really?” I say, beaming.

“Yeah. But you have to close your eyes first,” says Soarin.

I knit my eyebrows together in confusion. “Close my eyes? Are you gonna prank me again?”

“Well, we already did it one, didn’t we? You can’t prank the birthday girl twice.”

“So just to be clear…” I start. Rainbow Dash groans in frustration and claps a hood over my eyes. “Just don’t look, alright?”

I wait for them to put something disgusting in my hands, like maybe a giant slug or a pile of ice cubes. Okay, so maybe a pile of ice cubes isn’t disgusting, but still, would you like some dripping wet chunks of ice dropped in your hooves?

What I feel instead was a long, cylindrical piece of wood. At first I’m confused, so I open my eyes. I’m not interrupted by either of the blue pegasi standing in front of me.

The object in my hooves is plain and simple, but also carried more meaning than some can see. And I know exactly what it means.

It’s a rainbow flag.

I’m not really sure what to say. I honestly have no idea of what could happen next. Maybe they’ll throw me out or something. But when I look up, I’m met with a completely different sight:

Rainbow Dash and Soarin holding their own flags and waving them softly. I don’t say anything, sure that I’ll probably start bawling if I try to. I throw my arms around their necks and sniff a few times before letting a tear or two flow out f my closed eyes.

It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, because my family thinks I’m alright. I can feel their hooves on my back, rubbing soft circles. It feels like right after you eat a big meal-totally satisfied. I probably could fall asleep right now, but luckily I stay awake.

Ah, yes. Life is good. But I’ll have to wait to see what I do next!

Bonus Chapter 1: Sunny Flare

Bonus Chapter 1: Sunny Flare

I never thought I’d be doing another one of these again. I honestly thought the storm had blown over. Then again, when your life is the storm you can’t hide inside and wait for things to fix themselves.

Well, I suppose there is one way to make it stop…No; I can’t go back to that. Not again. It’s too soon.

Today I was visiting my cousin, Sunny Flare. She’s not my biological cousin, but our families are close enough to be considered family. Her mom is Spitfire’s older sister, Rain Feather, retired captain of the Wonderbolts, who found a nice stallion and decided to settle down, giving her spot to her younger sister. Because Spitfire is like a sister to Soarin, we’re considered to be family.

I guess if you thought about it a lot, Sunny Flare would actually be my niece, and I would be her aunt. That just seemed too complicated, though, so we decided on being called cousins. It’s pretty fitting, actually. We’re just about the same age, so it makes more sense.

Back to the story. So Rainbow Dash, Spitfire, and Rain Feather went out for a mare’s day, and Soarin and Moon Beam (Rain’s husband) were doing something at Rain’s house. Probably something stupid and/or physically damaging if I know those two.

So that left me and Sunny Flare. Her mom and dad actually have quite a few brothers and sisters, so naturally she has a bunch of cousins. But, she’s always said that I’m her favorite. So I took the opportunity to tell her. I was planning to tell her at the family reunion, but now was better.

She went on and on for a while about her crush, who, unfortunately, already had another girlfriend. While she was catching me up on all the gossip, I was mentally planning out what to say. I finally settled on, “So, what’s this guy’s name, anyway?”

Sunny blushed a bit before responding, “Grey Sky. What about your crush’s name?”

“You know, I think it’s weird how I have no problem telling people I’ve known for less than a week about them, but I’m always nervous about telling my close friends and family.” That was true. It mattered most what the people that loved me thought, not random strangers, since they don’t even know me.

“And I always knew that if I started telling my extended family, you’d be the first to know.” That was also true. Sunny Flare was the kind of person that seemed like she was happy all the time and willing to put up with ponies, or at least pretend to.

“Aw, thanks!” Sunny said with a bright smile. She pulled me into a quick hug. She pulled back and looked at me with excitement. “Alright, tell me already! Who is this guy?”

“Okay, okay, okay,” I said with a deep breath. “So, my crush’s name is… Sweetie Belle.”

Sunny looked at me, confused. “That’s a colt’s name?”

“No, Sweetie is a mare,” I explained quickly.

She sat there for a moment, thinking hard. I could see the cogs in her brain working at full speed, trying to find out what I meant.

“I can see you trying to wrap your head around this,” I said, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

She nodded slowly. “Your crush is a mare?”

It was my turn to nod. “Yeah, I’m lesbian. I went through depression the last two years ‘cause I was so scared. I even thought about trying to hurt myself.”

“Scootaloo!” Sunny Flare cried in a disapproving voice, like it was somehow my fault.

“What?” I said defensively. “It’s not like I chose to be this way.”

Nothing was said after that and we just looked at each other. We sat without talking for an entire sixty seconds before Sunny decided to break the silence.

“Um, let’s talk about the next family reunion!” she said happily. “Have you seen pictures of the house we’re staying at? It’s like a mansion!”

“I haven’t seen pictures, but I’ve heard about how awesome it is. I’m really excited for the pool,” I said smiling, trying to sound as happy as she was. Of course, I was happy too, but the fact that I had just told her I went through depression-which I haven’t even told to Rainbow and Soarin-then for her just to brush me aside like that, it hurt more than anything.

I had heard at least a thousand times how much she loved me and such, but now… did it even matter? Why would she do that? I just poured my heart and soul out to her and she didn’t even seem to care, much less sympathize.

I kept a forced smile throughout the rest of my visit that disappeared right as I walked out the door.

As soon as I reached my room I held on tightly to my pillow as if it were my last shred of comfort and allowed a few tears to leak out of my shut eyes. I didn’t bother closing the door; I was still the only one at the house. I would be until sometime around midnight.

I’ve only really gotten mad while I cried one other time, that was a year ago when I wished I hadn’t found out so early so that I could’ve been happy then. I remember the experience vividly, and it was not good.

Your eyes and hooves were clenched tight, and your jaw is firm. You can feel the white-hot anger boiling inside of you and the scream building in your throat. You constantly ask “Why?” and want the entire world to feel your pain, so that all of those stupid gay protestors will understand for once in their lives and shut the heck up.

I honestly thought I was going to be done with these feelings. Hadn’t I made myself happy by now? I already told Rainbow Dash and Soarin, and that’s what matters. But… I wouldn’t want to be the reason parts of this family start breaking off.

Ugh, I hate this. I hope it turns out alright because I don’t think going through depression twice in your life is good for your health.

Entry 1

I cried again tonight. I went to bed early and just sobbed into my sleeping mask.

When Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Babs came up to say goodnight I was terrified that they would notice I’d been crying, but luckily they didn’t. I don’t think this was as bad as the first time I cried myself to sleep, but I have the same feeling.

The feeling of sadness so overwhelming it becomes you, and you can actually feel the heavy weight on your shoulders. Sometimes the weight is much too heavy to carry around with you all the time, so you have to write it all down, which is what I’m doing now.

Usually when I cry like this I can never get a good night’s sleep after. Well, except for when I curl up on my bathroom floor and cry. That happens during the day.

I think Rumble might be at the community breakfast tomorrow morning. That’s good. I’ve wanted to tell him I’m gay for a while now. I hope he won’t leave me.

I know Twist will. She’s extremely homophobic. This is why I can’t tell my family yet. I can’t lose them. Not the ponies I love! They don’t know how many tears I’ve cried thinking of them rejecting me for being a lesbian.

Some of my worst fears are ones of suicide, or cutting off all ties with my family so they’ll never have to be disappointed in me.

I heard Fleetfoot tell this story about a stallion who was happily married, had three kids, and was head of a committee made to help out the environment. Word got out that he was gay, and he was kicked out of office, divorced by his wife, and left by the rest of his friends and family.

I don’t want that to become my life.

Entry 4 (Suicide)

If there’s one thing I don’t want in my life is to kill myself. Can you think of something even more horrible than that?

The worst thing to imagine is: what if that was your kid? What if you had a gay kid, and you loved them with all your heart? And because they are bullied for being gay, you can’t see them anymore. Your kids die before you die, because they cannot handle how cruel this world is to them.

I’ve seen so many inspirational videos about LGBT ponies who encourage others not to turn to self-cutting and suicide, that things will get better eventually. It makes me wonder how hard it was for them.

Even I understand that I have it better than other ponies. Some are disowned by their loved ones, some even abused by their guardian, whom they loved and trusted. Ponies like that make me sick. Maybe I could move in with Derpy and Dinky. After all, those two are used to getting hate for being different.

I’ve read some of the terrible things ponies have said about us. They treat us like freaks and monsters, and like mistakes. Beings that were never meant to be but exist anyway. Is the world really so cruel? What about the elements of Harmony? What about the Princesses? Could they be so cruel?

And what if I do crack one day? What if one day I can no longer handle everything and I’m forced to turn to the knife? I’m brought back to the time when I tried to cut myself. Would it be like that, when I watch my last days play out before my eyes, and all I can do is sit and watch?

I don’t want that to happen, but somehow I can’t control it. There’s no way I’m going to some psychiatrist and answering a bunch of dumb questions about my life and my so-called ‘problem.’ Besides, by now I know it’s not a phase. I’ve known since I was ten years old, and my secret crush isn’t helping things.

The only ponies I would trust enough to ask for help from are Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. Maybe it’s time to come clean.

Scootaloo's Letter

Dear Rainbow Dash and Soarin,

   I really don’t know how to start out, so I suppose I’ll just get right to the point: I’m gay. If you’re still reading this, then please continue reading until the very end.

   So I know this may or may not come as a shock to you guys. I understand if you don’t approve of me, or maybe you don’t want any of the girls I end up dating. So let me tell you this right now: if you think maybe this is a phase, it’s not. I’ve known for four whole years, and that whole time I’ve been working up the courage to tell you.

   For the last week I've been wishing I could skip this day of my life, but at the same time I'd like to stretch out today as long as possible. I was so nervous, I cried more often than usual. I probably drank my weight in water after sweating and crying it all out. It felt like I drank all of the water from the Cloudsdale weather factory.

   Please don’t give up on me. It won’t even be that different, I promise. And though you don’t understand, and may never understand, please try to.

   And Soarin, please don’t leave Rainbow Dash if this news makes you want to. If anything, I should be the one to leave. I can go back to my old alley and you’ll never have to be disappointed again. You can pretend that I never existed. And if it makes a difference, I love you both.

   I'm so sorry.

Scootaloo