Okay, So This Is Actually Pretty Stupid
Author's Note
Before you continue, please note that TodayIWriteFanfics is an absolutely incompetent author who has never written romance of any kind and therefore cannot, in any way, be held responsible for the inevitable horrible fate of the reader after reading this story. Her only literary skill lies in subverting prompt rules and making punchlines. Side effects of this story may include: Dizziness, WTF'ing, lowered IQ, giggles, and loss of time of up to ten minutes. You have been warned.
Okay, So This Is Actually Pretty Stupid
Daring Do flew through the jungle. Naturally, she flew in the most amazing way imaginable. Physical possibility didn't even factor into the way she looped through trees and dodged obstacles. After all, that would just be lame.
But she wasn't just here to sightsee and do amazing stunt flying (though that was, admittedly, pretty awesome. Maybe she could take a vacation). No, Daring Do was on a quest, a quest that concerned the fate of the world and also a really awesome and cool artifact that could potentially kill everyone. It, too, was incredibly amazing. Daring Do flapped between two trees, searching for the legendary Temple of Light.
Many ponies had come in search of the temple, but none had returned to tell the tale. Daring Do planned to be the first. Unless Ahuizotl was first, but first was the worst and second was the best so Daring wasn't terribly concerned. She brushed some weird jungle spider off of one shoulder and shrugged. After all, she was just the most awesome explorer, and Ahuizotl was just some upstart cat.
As she soared through the canopy, she saw it.
The temple was tall and majestic. Columns of stone swirled up to support a roof that was strong even as it was falling apart. Dark-green vines curled up the columns, hanging above an entrance that was as dark as Nightmare Moon's shiny moon-marked flank. It was forboding. And dark. And menacing. And dark. And it looked very deep, a place of no return. And also, it was dark.
Daring Do strolled in like the total badass she knew she was. She was Daring Do, for Celestia's sake. It was her job to be awesome and also maybe save the world as a side benefit. That was why, when she felt a tripwire click below her hooves, that she cooly flipped out of the way of a barrage of arrows that flew from the wall. One struck her helmet, but the force of her amazingness made it explode, leaving her unharmed. "Cheap," she said to herself in a voice that could shake mountains, if she cared to do so.
As she walked, Daring Do pulled a lantern out of her saddlebag. Its yellow light showed more columns, marked with ancient pictograms and indecipherable script faded from its tremendous age. And also another row of arrow holes. That part was probably more important and maybe should have been noted first.
Click.
"Cheaper," Daring muttered as she dodged another barrage. "Honestly, didn't these old guys have any imagination?"
That, of course, was when the floor dropped out from under Daring Do's hooves. Of course, being a pegasus, Daring just flew over the pit in the floor. "Well, that answers that question," she said. "Of course they didn't. That was just lame."
Scoffing, Daring Do flew the rest of the way. She flew unhurriedly because she was just awesome like that, and encountered no more traps, which was boring, but also not life-threatening so Daring supposed she was okay with that. To amuse herself, she ran her eyes over the pictograms, which depicted battle scenes and ponies with coats as black as ink. After a few minutes, she reached the pedestal at the back of the room.
The emptiness on it was lit by a beam of sunlight. Daring gritted her teeth in frustration. She knew exactly who would do such a thing as get the artifact before her. "Ahuizotl!" she called. "I know you're there! Show yourself!"
"I'm sure you're very pleased with yourself, Daring Do," said a voice that hummed and echoed, as loud as thunder and twice as strong. "Our friend will be overjoyed to hear of this." A pair of burning, green, snake-like eyes appeared in the shadow of the pedestal. Even Daring Do couldn't resist taking a step back from that terrifying gaze.
But not for long. She had a reputation to maintain, and a mysterious, creepy shadow pony was something she could deal with. It was probably just scared, but then, who wouldn't be? She was Daring Do!
Ahuizotl stepped from behind a nearby pillar, grinning with his oversized mouth. "That's true," he said, "and I should know." A golden pendant hung around his neck, shaped like a pair of pegasus wings attached to a white gemstone.
He has the Wings of Light! Daring thought. Of course, such undignified thoughts never escaped her mouth. "So you have creepy allies," she said instead. "Yeah, yeah, big thing, so new, blah, blah, blah, monologue. I'm trembling in my booties, can't you see?" Daring scoffed. Her wings flared open like feather dusters on steroids as she postured magnificently, the sheer force of her awesomeness cracking the floor around her.
Ahuizotl snarled. "Attack her," he said sharply.
Daring Do suddenly found herself surrounded by Ahuizotl's Felis minions. They snarled and pounced at her. Daring might have been vaguely intimidated if she'd never seen them before, but they were basically just large, blue cats that took vocal commands sometimes. Maybe. She suspected the one batting at her tail wasn't supposed to be doing that, but whatever. She turned around and bucked one Felis away, smacking another with her wing before she took off. They jumped up at her, but that just made stomping on their heads that much easier.
How cute, the dark pony said before stepping out of the shadows. Her insect-like wings flared in the dim light as she pointed a long, jagged horn at Daring Do. The pegasus felt scared. Like, really scared, almost like that one time when she woke up and there was a spider on her fetlock. The changeling queen lifted one cheese-like hoof and pointed it at Daring.
Something that was sort of pony-like landed on Daring's back. It was almost like a giant spider, actually.
But Daring Do kept her cool. Which meant that she only panicked a little bit, backflipping in an amazing display of agility. The changeling's hooves were wrapped around her neck however, and Daring felt the sharp prick of its fangs piercing her neck, sending its venom into her blood. She barely had time to gasp before the venom took hold. And everything went black. No fair, she thought.
Daring Do woke up, feeling stiff. She was stiff because she was tied in rope and suspended over a pit of boiling lava, which tended to do that to a pony.
Speaking of which, there was a pit of lava.
It looked very hot and fiery and stuff, and Daring knew it would take hours to preen all the volcanic rock out of her feathers. Also, she would die horribly, but she didn't like thinking about such grim possibilities. Instead, she looked at Ahuzotl and silently laughed at how stupid his face looked while he grinned triumphantly at her.
"Ah, Daring Do," he said. "I see you're awake." He cackled villainously. Daring Do rolled her eyes. The changeling queen beside him mimicked Daring Do's gesture of you look like a total dork right now but I'm too polite to mention it. "It's the end of the road for you!" he said with a grin.
"Wonderful," Daring snarked.
Ahuizotl jerked his head towards one corner of the room. "Finish her," he commanded.
Nothing happened.
"Twist the crank, dammit!" he hissed.
In the corner, a sheepish-looking Felis slowly started to twist the crank, dammit. Daring also started descending towards the still hot and deathful lava, tied in a rope. Aww crap, she thought as she tried to think of an escape plan.
Ahuizotl cackled. The queen stared into a corner and puffed up one cheek. Daring tried not to die.
He hissed as his patience drained away. "Can't you make this go any faster?" Ahuizotl hissed to the Felis in the corner. It tried , struggling, to twist the crank faster.
The handle snapped off. The Felis looked at Ahuizotl and shrugged. Ahuizotl himself looked ready to shoot fire lasers from his eyes and maybe stomp a few towns.
The changeling queen put a hoof on his shoulder. "There is no reason to fret," she said. Her horn glowed with a sickly, toxic green light. "Perhaps this will be slightly less dramatic, but such things aren't important."
Shink! Daring Do was suddenly in free fall as a sword sheared through the rope holding her up. It, too, glowed with brilliant green light. She tried to open her wings, but even somepony as awesome as Daring couldn't break the ropes. She closed her eyes and waited for the end...
Which was when a rainbow blur swooped down, snatching her away. Daring shook her head and looked up at Rainbow Dash, who smirked back. With a flip, she tossed Daring Do into the air. The ropes around her unraveled and she flared her wings open. She'd had good timing, too; Daring's wings were just starting to cramp. Daring and Dash stared into each other's eyes and smirked, knowing full well what to do.
Daring Do flew down to take out the Felis guards while Rainbow took on the changelings that had started to flood into the room. "Get them!" Ahuizotl called.
Rainbow Dash spun in the air and kicked a changeling in the face, causing it to fly into one of its fellows. Another one tried to attack her from below, but she slammed a forehoof into its head. A third tried to dive-bomb Rainbow, but Daring Do plowed into it, causing it to crash into the lava pit. They shared another glance and they were off.
It was like watching a dance, but 300% less sappy. There was death aplenty and lots of changelings fell in the lava and were set on fire. Dash and Daring moved like one being, an entity of pure awesomeness that let nothing stand in its way.
With a hiss, the changeling queen spread her wings and joined the fight. Ahuizotl glared at them, the amulet on his neck shimmering with pearly radiance. A pair of wings made of white light burst from his shoulders as the changeling queen bore down on them. Dash
twisted to kick the queen aside as Daring dived at Ahuizotl. It was awesome, tense, and dramatic.
Ahuizotl grinned at Daring and flared his new wings. A white beam of pure, raw badassery flew from them, and Daring spiraled aside, though she lost a few tail hairs. Dash kicked the changeling queen into a wall, knocking her out.
"A little help here?" Daring called.
Dash answered by swooping down and kicking Ahuizotl's smug face. Daring and Dash flew around him, baiting him into shooting and missing until the walls had more holes than Queen Chrysalis's forehooves. They flew laps around him, rainbow and grayscale blending together.
"HAARGH!" Ahuizotl shouted, or something like that anyway, as he threw his wings open in an explosion of energy. The two pegasi rode the wave of light, circling the room. They shared a glance before they attacked.
Daring dropped onto Ahuizotl from above, punching him in the back of the head. While he was distracted, Rainbow rushed at him, wrapped a hoof around the Wings of Light, and yanked it from his neck.
Ahuizotl roared as she flew away with the glowing amulet. Gritting her teeth, Rainbow threw it around her neck.
Everything went white.
When the blinding light died away, Rainbow Dash was a completely different pony.
Her coat had become a pure, dazzling white. Her mane moved like a mighty bonfire filled with a truckload of those fire color packet things, and her wings shone brilliantly in the room. Her glowing feathers stretched from wall to wall.
"Now you two had better leave before I turn you fifty shades of blue!" Dash roared in a voice like the most powerful earthquake, a voice that could tear mountains from their roots and rip gates to Tartarus, a voice that was the will of the ancients, a voice that-
"Okay, we get it," Daring Do said. "Let's get out of here." Rainbow Dash turned to look at her and shrugged. Her majestically glowing wings folded up as she walked after Daring Do.
"You know," Rainbow Dash said, "I'm a lesbian."
"Huh," Daring Do said. "Same here."
"Awkward romance?"
"Oh, hell yes."
Schlorp, schlorp.
Twilight Sparkle turned her head uncertainly to look at Rarity, who sat to her left. Rarity, whose vaguely uncomfortable expression was a mirror of Twilight's, simply shrugged. Don't ask me, her face said. I have no idea either.
The offending sound was projected from an unnecessarily large speaker set beside Rainbow Dash, who sat in a chair. A device like a colander covered in alligator clips perched on her polychromatic mane, wires on the clips flowing into a large and science-ish sort of box. It had dials, it had knobs, and it was everything you expected an amateur Twilight Sparkle's creation to be, minus it exploding. On Rainbow's other side was a grainy black-and-white screen that, ideally, would never have been looked at by anyone, ever. In fact, that was what four out of the five mares were doing.
Pinkie Pie was watching and eating popcorn. Twilight was simply trying not to gag. Applejack had closed her eyes, and Twilight was 86.7% sure she was asleep. Fluttershy raised a hoof tentatively, like a filly in school who thought she might know the answer but wasn't quite sure.
"Um," she said, voice barely audible over the schlorping. "Maybe we should turn it off?"
Rarity twisted her head to stare at Fluttershy, who only hid behind her mane a tiny bit. Pinkie Pie vigorously took notes. Twilight stared at Pinkie, wondering where the notebook had come from. Applejack snored.
"Perhaps you have a point there," Rarity said.
Rainbow Dash's wings snapped open with an audible thwumf.
"Correction: You have an excellent point and I wholeheartedly agree with you," Rarity reflected after a moment's hesitation. She turned back to the box, squinting her eyes until the screen became a blur. Her magic yanked the cord from the back of the screen and it went blank. However, the schlorp sounds continued.
Twilight raised her head. "All in favor of packing up and pretending this whole thing never happened, raise your hoof."
Slowly, she raised her lavender forehoof. Fluttershy and Rarity followed her shortly after. Pinkie Pie waved frantically, grinning from ear to ear. Applejack fell over sideways.
"Well, that's certainly a majority vote," Twilight said. She got up and stretched, extending one hoof at a time before rolling her wings around in their sockets. Her horn glowed magenta as she lifted a thoroughly comatose Applejack from the floor. More telekinesis lifted the totally-not-a-colander from Rainbow Dash's head. The sounds stopped. Fluttershy sighed in relief.
Pinkie Pie's furious note-taking scratched to a halt. "Come on!" she whined. "It was just getting to the best part!" Twilight put one hoof to her forehead and wished quietly for Armageddon. Rarity gritted her teeth, getting to her hooves and folding the blanket she'd brought. After all, the back room of Sugarcube Corner was dusty and floury, and the fact that her coat was white anyways was completely beside the point. Fluttershy left quietly.
Twilight levitated the small box and the screen and made them vanish in a burst of pink light. "And you'd better give that speaker back to Vinyl Scratch," she said to Pinkie Pie. She continued, in a much quieter voice, "Honestly, why did you think that was a good idea?" Sighing, she telekinetically grabbed Rainbow Dash's shoulder and gave her a hard shake.
Rainbow woke up with a sort of snrk. "Who? What?" she said, looking rather confused. Then, she took in her surroundings. "Dammit, it was just getting to the good part," she muttered, slumping.
"That's what I said!" Pinkie called, her head sticking out of the sink. Nopony questioned it.
"Anyway," Rainbow said. "Were you taking notes, Twi? I'd hate if you forgot anything." Twilight's hoof twitched to the purple notebook lying on the ground. She ended up levitating it instead of Applejack, who didn't wake up.
"Yeah," she lied nervously. Most of the notebook was filled with stickpony doodles. After all, nobody said Twilight was an artist.
"Anyway," Rainbow continued, "that was a really great idea you had there, using the mind-reader-thingy. This is gonna be the most awesome Daring Do fanfiction ever. I owe you big." Twilight nodded absently as Rainbow streaked out of the room. Pinkie Pie was nowhere to be found.
"This never happened," Twilight said to Rarity. "You got it?"
"Of course," Rarity replied. And they walked out of the room, Applejack in tow.
Rainbow's lesbianity was a strange thing, sometimes.
"Hey!" Queen Chrysalis shouted, throwing the thin booklet to the ground. "This portrayal of changelings is totally inaccurate! I would have cocooned her and sucked out all of her emotions, then burned her in lava!"
