Equestria is Gay

by Paradigm Shift

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Adventure, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Lyra
Length: 7220

After casting a powerful spell that turns everypony in Equestria into raging homosexuals, it’s up to Twilight and a few unlikely allies to reverse it and save all of ponykind from extinction.

It wasn't Twilight’s fault the spell misfired. How was she supposed to know that modifying an ancient, Starswirlian love spell would turn the entire nation into ravenous, sex-driven homosexuals? Since when had Starswirlian Magic ever caused any problems?

Well, maybe it was her fault. Like, completely her fault.

Now it’s up to her and a few unlikely allies to reverse it… before Equestria fucks itself to death.

Published 2016-07-13 19:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-13 19:40:02 UTC

The G-Bomb

“Starswirlian Love Spell Completion Attempt Number Nine.”

Twilight finished writing down the preliminary details of her latest experiment and turned to her number one assistant/test subject. “Alright Spike, this time I'm going to try a more modern take on the spell.” Her horn glowed and her lab coat was replaced with baggy jeans and shiny bling. She nodded her head. “Give me a beat.”

Spike did what any true friend would do in this situation and politely refused. “You know this isn’t really necessary, Twilight. I appreciate your help and all, but... this really isn’t necessary.”

“Are you afraid of my sick beats, Spike? Do not fear little one. I prescreen all my raps to ensure that they will not blow the minds of lesser beings.”

Spike sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, we tried the… traditional stuff. If it didn’t work then, well, maybe it’s not supposed to work at all.” He threw up his hands in defeat. “Face it, Twilight. Starswirl was a lonely virgin his entire life so he created a half-assed love spell in a last ditch effort to score some flank before he died. You can’t fix something that never worked in the first place.”

The Princess of Rap broke character. “I know I can do this, Spike. Just give me a few more tries. Pleeeeeease.” Twilight emphasized her plea by flashing the engraving on one of the gold chains hanging around her neck. It read Spike’s Bottom Bitch. “I am doing this for you after all.”

“And again, I thank you, but I’m really not that desperate to go on a date with Rarity. We tried. We failed. Let’s stop before somepony gets burned by—”

“—these tasty-ass jams?” A beat started throbbing in the background.

“Yes, by tasty-ass… wait, no. What are you doing. Stop.”

Spike tried in vain to dissuade Twilight from unleashing her full potential as a rap goddess. But to his horror, the beat had evolved. It now had sentient level intelligence and could not be contained.

“Your hearts a down payment, deposit at the bank.
Making my way from your head all the way to your flank.
These feelings that I feel, I'm sure you can relate.
Let's stop skirtin’ round the bush, get down, and procreate.”

“Twilight, that's not love, that's just sex. They're not—”

“I'm drowning in mares but you above all the rest.
All my thoughts are on you, puttin my crotch to the test.”

“Uh, Twilight?” The beat was now throbbing in intensity, shaking the castle to its foundation. However, Spike was more concerned about the map of Equestria on the council table, now visibly absorbing the magic from Twilight’s fresh beats.

“Girl, I know that we’re friends, but this is beyond my control.
Fate has commanded I shoot a load up that HOLE!”

“Holy bucking shit, Twilight!” The castle’s shaking reached an almost orgasmic pitch, the map of Equestria quivering in anticipation of what was to come.

Twilight arched back her head and proclaimed to the heavens, “I AM THE PRINCESS OF RAP AND THERE SHALL BE SEX. I MEAN LOVE… oh shit.”

But it was too late to change the language of the spell. Twilight had already shot off the magic required to bind it… right at the convulsing map of Equestria.

The map took the full force of the magic and held it in place above the Equestrian landscape. It started drawing more magic into it, accompanied by a high-pitch whining sound Twilight had heard only once or twice in her lifetime. The sound of a megaspell arming.

“Get down, Spike!” Twilight tackled her assistant to the ground, seeking shelter behind some of the lab equipment. Spike’s eyes were wide and unblinking, as if he had stared into the true face of a god and lived.

The whining from the map was now fever pitch and quickly approaching its climax. The cutie marks marking each of Twilight and her friends’ chairs pulsated in time with the noise.

At last, when the map could no longer hold all the magic afforded to it by Twilight’s spell, it imploded, contracting inward then bursting outward in a blinding flash of light and energy.

Twilight tried putting up a shield at the last second, but the energy from the megaspell swept through it, breaking the shield and throwing Twilight and Spike to the far end of the room, where they landed with a bone-jarring thud.

The megaspell didn't stop at the castle walls, however. It kept expanding, sweeping through towns and cities all over Equestria. It's brilliant, aggressive rainbow glow a harbinger for the change that was to follow.

Ponies all over the nation stopped what they were doing and glanced toward the horizon, oblivious to the true purpose of the solid wave of energy about to overtake them.

At her perch atop her castle in Canterlot, Princess Celestia gazed at the megaspell, a mixture of awe and trepidation in her eyes. “The prophesied day has come,” she whispered under her breath.

Under the course of a minute, the megaspell swept through the far reaches of Equestria before dissipating neatly at the border...

Back at ground zero, Twilight awoke to find the castle in ruins. The council chairs and the map were undamaged, but everything else was broken and strewn about the place. The walls were in shambles. Bookcases had toppled over and thrown their hordes of books to the wind. The lab notes and equipment were on fire, smoldering with green flames.

The lab notes were on fire.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Twilight scrambled to her hooves and rushed over to the burning papers, stomping the fire out quickly. All that was left of the experiment details were one charred piece of paper and a pile of ash. Twilight let out a distressed wail.

Starswirl’s original love spell had been in there. Without it, there would be no way to reverse whatever unspeakable horror she had created.

Spike groaned and sat up, rubbing his temple. “That must have been one hell of a party, last night.” He looked around the ruined castle. “What did we do?”

Twilight was staring emptily at the destroyed lab notes, like that of an adolescent foal witnessing the death of its mother, knowing deep down that they will never feel loved again. “It’s all gone, Spike. The research, the original spell, all of it.” She glanced up, and caught a reflection of herself in the portal mirror across the room. The shattered mirror reflected a shattered Princess. She still wore baggy jeans and gold chains around her neck. “But… I prescreen all my raps.”

“Yeah, well you didn't ‘prescreen’ these raps good enough.” Spike said, shaking his head. The memory of the megaspell and the events leading up to it were coming back to him. Based on the position of the sun, he estimated less than thirty minutes had passed. “Why did you ever think a rapping love spell was a good idea?”

Twilight tried putting the burnt pieces of paper back together to form something coherent. It resembled that of the aforementioned foal, futilely prodding its dead mother and whimpering for her to ‘wake up’. “We hadn't tried it yet, and I just thought… my fresh beats.”

“Actually, why the hell were we even messing with another one of Starswirl’s spells anyway? What did we actually expect to happen?”

“We were using it to get Rarity to fall in love with you,” Twilight said with a slight whimper. “By using Starswirlian magic to—”

“Right. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned over this past year, it’s that nothing could ever go wrong when messing with Starswirlian Magic.” The sarcasm practically oozed from Spike’s mouth. “And another thing… those lyrics!?”

Twilight chuckled. No matter the damage her lyrics caused, she was still proud of them. “Those lyrics were pretty fire, weren't they?”

Spike snorted. “Mine baby dragon ears have never heard anything so obscene in my life.”

“You need to get out more, Spike.”

“Yeah.” Spike walked over to the window which had recently been enlarged ten-fold. “Alright. Let's see how many ponies you killed this time.”

“Oh come on, Spike. Attempt Number Six wasn't that bad. I didn't kill those ponies, just sorta… put them in a vegetative state for… awhile.”

“Twilight,” Spike mumbled as he gazed upon the results of Attempt Number Nine. “You need to see this.”

Twilight trotted over next to Spike. Her eyes widened as she took in the scene that lay before her. She whistled. “There’s a whole lot o’ lovin’ going on down there.”

“Define ‘love’ in this situation.”

“What did we do?” Twilight asked in a small voice.

“You mean, what did you do.” Spike corrected. “I'm not fixing this one.” He turned and walked towards the unhinged door. “I’ll be in my room.”

He stopped when he reached what used to be the grand hallway. “The stairs are gone.” He looked again. “Everything’s gone.”

Twilight wasn't listening. She was still gazing out on the bold, new world she created. After a few moments, she spread her wings and leapt into the air, shedding her baggy jeans and gold bling as she did so.

Spike walked back into the room. “Hey, I'm gonna need a lift down and she's gone.” He casually ambled over to the pile of discarded bling, kicking a few pieces of rubble out of the way. He casually looked around. After a few moments, he returned his attention to the discarded bling, and started casually rummaging through it. He casually dug out the chain that read Spike’s Bottom Bitch, and held it in his claws, casual-like. “I swear to you Rarity, you will wear this one day,” he said, with as much piss and vinegar his adolescent voice could muster. “Preferably today.”

He secreted the chain under a pile of rubble and began to wait.

And wait.

Twilight observed the new Ponyville as she flew, dread growing heavier and heavier in the pit of her stomach. It reached the point where she could no longer deny the reality of the situation anymore. She really really fucked up this time.

There were several differences between the new Ponyville and the old Ponyville, as any sane pony could deduce. The first and most striking difference was the complete lack of modesty. Old Ponyville had decent folks in it, that respected each other’s privacy, and treated everypony else with respect. Everypony said their please and thank yous, and kept public displays of affection to a minimum.

New Ponyville, well…

The streets were filled with jostling bodies, aggressively mating out in the open. Pegasi, unicorns, earth ponies, it didn’t matter. New Ponyville was as diverse as old Ponyville, it was just more… expressive.

What did matter was the sex. Not only was there a lot of it, but it was all mare-on-mare or stallion-on-stallion. She tried scanning the ground for even one heterosexual pairing, but found none. Huh, gay.

Even the giant orgy in front of town hall was segregated. Females fucking in a pile on the left, and males fucking in a slightly smaller pile to the left.

It sure was a queer sight to see.

Twilight could see Mayor Mare at the top of the female orgy, seemingly trying to assert her dominance by slamming her ass down on the ponies directly beneath her and snarling at any who dared overtake her at the top. It was vaguely reminiscent of the time Twilight enchanted her doll with a love spell and unleashed it onto Ponyville. In her defense, she didn’t intentionally create the problem this time. If anypony asked, Spike made her do it.

The outskirts of the town weren’t any better. Piles of ponies gave way to groups of two or three. Twilight was glad her eyesight wasn’t the best in Equestria. Some of the things these ponies were doing... She was no stranger to porn, of course, but this… this was like pornography cheated on privacy and had a bastard child with wrestling. Only in this game, there were no winners.

Twilight swallowed the bile, shaking her head slightly as she did so. Still no sign of her friends. Though at this point, she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to find them.

She was about to give up and return to the castle when she spotted something unusual. Down there, near the commerce section of Ponyville, appeared to be two mares, sitting on a bench.

Not fucking each other?

That was new. For New Ponyville anyway. On any other day, their public display of abstinence would be commonplace and socially enforced. But today, today they were the only flaccid dicks in the porn mag, so to say.

Time for some data gathering.

Twilight dove down, gliding smoothly before coming to a stop in front of the two nonconformists. These two could be powerful assets to her. She just had to be subtle.

“Why… why aren't you two having sex?”

Lyra Heartstrings snorted. “Nice to see you too, Twilight. Sorry to disappoint, but we’re not really feeling it right now.” She waved a hoof around casually. “I presume you had something to do with this?”

“Me? What, no!” Twilight said, sounding a little too shocked to be sincere. “What gave you that idea?”

Before Lyra could respond, the beige earth pony next to her rushed forward, taking Twilight’s right hoof in her own, shaking it furiously. “You must be the Princess of Rap we've all been hearing so much about!” She put her hoof down and pointed to herself. “Bon Bon the earth pony. I'm am such a huge fan of your work! I gotta say, your latest album was the bomb.”

Twilight sighed. No point deflecting the blame on Spike now. “Yes, thank you Bon Bon,” she replied dryly. “I’m glad you and everypony else liked it.”

Bon Bon threw a hoof around Twilight’s shoulder, a wild smirk on her face. “You know, I would ask for a signed record, but judging by the looks of your castle, I’d say it’d be a bit too much fire for me to handle.” She paused before adding, “Chocolates and fire don’t mix all that well.”

Lyra glared at the earth pony. “Neither do musical instruments.” Bon Bon playfully stuck her tongue out.

Twilight took the brief respite to compose herself and her thoughts. All of Ponyville seemed to have been affected by the megaspell, yet, the two mares in front of her seemed to be completely unaffected by it, just as happy and carefree as if it were just another ordinary day. She watched as Lyra shoved Bon Bon down to the ground, seemingly trying to knock the smug smile off her face. Well, maybe happy wasn’t the best adjective to use. Normal. She’d go with normal.

If they were immune, then they might well be Twilight’s only hope at creating a counterspell. She’d seen Bon Bon around Ponyville before but never really knew anything about her except for her name. Lyra was an old friend, but they fell out of touch a long time ago. She approached Lyra, eager at the prospect of learning more.

“So you aren't feeling any homosexual thoughts or behaviors?” Twilight asked. “No uncontrollable urges to ravage Bon Bon’s marehood, or anything like that?”

“Actually—”

“Oh, she can ravage it alright,” Bon Bon interrupted. “You should have seen her last night. Fucking. Savage.” She grinned voraciously at Twilight, who returned the gesture with raised eyebrows, and more than a little shock in her eyes. She didn’t have to fake it this time.

Lyra chuckled at her friend’s confusion. “Twilight, we were gay long before you made everypony gay.”

“I guess you could call us"—Bon Bon donned a pair of sunglasses and looked directly at Twilight—"hipster queers.”

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Lyra and Bon Bon fell on the ground laughing. Twilight just sighed and brought a hoof to her face, mumbling “You picked this shit up from Rainbow Dash, didn’t you” under her breath.

After a solid minute of laughing, the two hipster queers helped each other up off the ground. Twilight observed them carefully. “So the spell didn’t affect you at all? Because you’re already gay?”

Lyra glanced at her marefriend. “I guess that’s how it works. Wait, no, I have been feeling hornier since the G-Bomb went off.”

“Me too,” Bon Bon said in a sultry voice.

“And watching all these other ponies getting into it—”

“—in broad daylight—”

“—no shame—”

“Yeah, let’s not have sex in front of Twilight,” Twilight interjected. “Let’s help Twilight fix Equestria’s sexuality crisis. Preferably, before everypony fucks themselves to death.”

Bon Bon gave Twilight an incredulous look. “Oh come on, Twilight. Would it really be that bad if everypony stayed gay for—”

As if in response, two pegasi stallions fell from the sky, convulsing as the grey, dominant one on top, unloaded the full force of his cock, into the brown, smaller pegasus beneath him. Their orgasmic embrace had temporarily paralyzed their wings, and they were cuming in for a hard landing.

Lyra and Bon Bon dived out of the way just as the two involuntary lovebirds impacted the ground. The brown pegasus’s neck snapped at the immense force of the impact, and continued skimming the ground through sheer momentum. The grey pegasus, oblivious to his partner’s sudden death, continued to ride him, spraying his seed into the lifeless corpse. When the grey pegasus finally discovered that his partner was, in fact, dead, he frowned and launched himself back into the sky, no doubt looking for another stallion to claim as his own.

Meanwhile, Twilight, Lyra, and Bon Bon had stood nearby, watching the entire scene unfold with a mixed expression of shock and horror. Bon Bon still had her eyes glued on the broken pegasus, oozing semen right in front of her. “Maybe this is a problem…”

Lyra just shook her head. “That was an unnecessarily graphic way to prove your point, Twilight.”

The Princess of Death stood with her mouth agape, still trying to comprehend what happened. A pony was… dead because of her. Not directly, but she may as well have been the one straddling his ass for all the universe cared. Luckily, she knew the perfect way to deal with this kind of grief.

She cast a highly illegal, black magic desensitization spell on herself.

Twilight inhaled and exhaled deeply. Ah, that was better. Now to the matter at hoof. In an age of declining birth rates, it was her responsibility to prevent the further loss of pony life.

“Twilight… Twilight!” A pair of hooves shook her out of her stupor. “Are you okay?”

Twilight shook her head to clear it then flashed Lyra her best reassuring smile. For some reason, her charming smile didn’t seem to comfort the lime-green unicorn. “Of course I’m okay! Why wouldn’t I be okay, Lyra?” Her twitchy eye was easily corrected using a simple muscle relaxing spell. Some of that black magic stuff had nasty side effects.

“Hmmmm,” Lyra said, narrowing her eyes. “A stallion just died right in front of you and you’re perfectly okay with that?”

“Yeah, and it wasn’t my fault. Shit happens.”

“Twilight, are you high?”

…

“No.”

…

“Maybe I’m the one that’s high.”

Twilight pulled Lyra away from the crash site and started trotting away, bringing the unicorn with her. “Look, it doesn’t matter what we feel, or who’s fault it is. The only important thing is that we fix this before it becomes irreversible.”

Bon Bon hurried to catch up with them. “I’ve had some rough sex before, but damn, that guy back there has me beat.”

“Had you beat,” Twilight corrected distractedly. “Past tense.”

“Wait, you want us to help you fix this?” Lyra raised her eyebrows and poked Twilight squarely in the chest. “Can’t the Princess of Rap just… I don’t know, cook up a new song that’s shitty and nonsexual to counteract the other one?”

Twilight sighed. “I’m afraid it’s not that simple. Not only am I incapable of making bad raps, but the original—”

“Blah. Blah. Blah.” Bon Bon interrupted. “You’re just trying to pull a Celestia and get other ponies to fix your shit for you.”

Twilight at least had the decency to look taken aback. “What? No! I just—”

Bon Bon and Lyra slapped hooves. “Nice try, Twilight,” Bon Bon grinned. “But we’re wise to your antics. You’re gonna have to try harder than that to fool us into helping you.”

“Besides,” Lyra purred, looking lovingly at her marefriend. “We’ve got more important things to do.”

“Like forgetting the horror we just experienced by surrendering ourselves to the mindless, physical pleasures of the body?” Bon Bon guessed.

“You know it.”
.
Lyra leaned over and gave Bon Bon a kiss. It was a simple kiss, filled with the kind of warmth you’d come to expect from a stable, multi-year relationship.

But amongst the writhing backdrop of lustful ponies fucking and tonguing out of blind desire, Lyra and Bon Bon’s kiss was… pure.

Time slowed. The constant backdrop of moaning and squelchy noises faded away as the two mares shared a passionate embrace, giving a big “fuck you” to the rest of the universe. Those closest to the lovers stopped mid-fuck, and turned to stare at the strange sight before them, confusion clouding their faces as Lyra and Bon Bon continued the kiss unabated, neither advancing nor retreating on one another.

That one, simple kiss contained everything they weren’t.

Twilight’s eyes dilated as she gazed upon true love for the first time in her existence. The broken pieces fell into place, creating one, whole image of Equestrian society again. “I know how to fix everything,” she whispered to herself.

Lyra opened her eyes for a moment and caught Twilight’s incredulous expression. She gave a friendly wink at the princess before closing her eyes again. Twilight could see Lyra’s tongue snake out in between her lips and casually slip into Bon Bon’s orifice much to the other’s delight.

She couldn’t look away. It was so beautiful. The way Lyra’s tongue danced across the nooks and crannies of her lover’s orifice was like that of an owner stroking all the sweet spots of their pet.

Bon Bon responded in kind, bringing her own tongue out to play. It darted in, then out, then swirled around as if the inside of Lyra’s mouth was just one, big ice cream cone. Whatever was going on, Lyra seemed to enjoy it. She grabbed Bon Bon with her magic and pulled her closer, tilting away from Twilight’s vantage point as she did so, leaving the stunned alicorn alone with her imagination for the time. The rest of their audience promptly lost interest, and dove back in for another pussy sandwich or cock souffle of their own.

While the ponies around her grinded on each other, the gears in Twilight’s head were grinding their way to the same sort of orgasmic state, planning out the day ahead. She happily trotted on over to Quills and Sofas store, softly ringing the bell as she entered.

The sofa clerk was indisposed at the moment, furiously fucking a grey-maned, elderly stallion in the ass, presumably his “customer” at the time of the incident. Several broken quills lay around the sofa they were using. The tag on the sofa said “new,” but the torn leather and various stains on it screamed “abused.”

Twilight made her way to the front of the store, ruffling around for a suitable quill to use. The main quill display lay toppled in ruins on the floor. The sign said “2 bits,” but Twilight’s moral compass said “free, given the circumstances.” She rummaged through the feathered chaos.

That one was broken. So was the one laying next to it. That one was covered in blood. Another was split in half, a foul odor lingering on its jagged form. Celestia knows where the other half was.

Broken. Broken. Chewed on. Wet. Broken. Bucking Tartarus, what did these poor quills do to deserve this? Twilight shook her head, ready to walk away quilless, but that was when she saw it. The Last Quill.

It was stuck in the store clerk’s mane, waving back and forth to the rhythm of the sales pony's powerful thrusts. All Twilight had to do was walk over and pluck it out.

Or not. It was just a quill. It’s not like the fate of Equestria depended on Twilight’s ability to formulate and write down a plan for saving it or anything. Not like making lists were more important than her dignity or something. Not at all.

Then why was she moving closer to it?

“Fuck this whole country,” Twilight muttered under her breath, eyeing the prize warily from the safe distance of 10 meters. “Why am I always the one that has to fix everything?”

Lesser beings would actually have to trot up to the salespony and physically pluck the quill out of his disheveled mane with their hooves, but Twilight was no lesser being. She cast out her magic and enveloped the lonely quill in a violet aura. Now for a slight tug…

The sofa clerk paused his thrusting. He whipped his head around, his feral eyes meeting Twilight’s almost immediately. The already uneasy alicorn froze in place, her magical grip on the quill collapsing as she locked up.

His eyes shone with a hungry gleam to them. He surveyed Twilight, like a manticore seizing up a piece of prey before taking it down. He seemed particularly interested in her facial features, giving her terrified face a little more attention than the rest of her form. After a few seconds, he grunted, his expression changing from feral to uninterested almost immediately. He turned back to his partner and continued his aggressive thrusting, seemingly forgetting Twilight’s existence altogether.

Twilight didn’t dare make a sound. She continued to stare at the clerk, ready if he tried to make a move on her, but he seemed content in his fucking. She relaxed after a minute, letting in a deep breath to replace the one she’d been holding.

The quill was still bobbing in his mane, mocking her. But no longer. She might be raped—or worse—but fuck Celestia, she was getting that quill NO MATTER WHAT.

With clenched teeth and closed eyes, Twilight grabbed the quill with her telekinesis again and gave it a sharp yank.

It soared through the air...

… Right into the wall, where it snapped and fell to the ground.

“GAHHHHHH!” Twilight screamed, flipping a nearby sofa. “RAGEEEEEEEE…”

These infernal quills… they were mocking her, conspiring. Would it be too much to ask for one functional quill? Just one… wait, didn’t she know a spell to fix broken objects? Like with the Crystal Heart except smaller and more important in this case?

Twilight face-hoofed. “Ah, fuck.” At least nopony was around to see this.

She gathered the cleanly snapped quill up in her magic and magically rebonded it on the atomic level. Everything was so much easier when you’re an all-powerful god alicorn.

With quill and paper in her possession, Twilight trotted out of the store, writing down the day’s itinerary followed by everything she had learned about the effects of the “G-Bomb” as Lyra had so fondly coined.

•The megaspell created by Starswirlian Love Spell Completion Attempt Number Nine, colloquially known as the G-Bomb, appears to have altered the impulsiveness and sexuality of the vast majority of Ponyville citizens. Such ponies are driven by blind instinct and hormones to seek out and mate with others of the same sex, presumably to the point of exhaustion or death.

• It appears that ponies who were homosexual before the megaspell went off were unaffected by it, however, there are only two confirmed cases of this occurring so far. I, myself, am unaffected due to a protection shield created at the time of the incident. It is unknown how the other sexualities were affected.

•It is unknown, at this time, how large the megaspell’s area of effect is. Judged by the magic involved, it is fair to estimate that most, if not the entire country is affected.

•Starswirl’s original spell was destroyed in the fires resulting from the close proximation of a megaspell detonation. As such, the original spell can no longer be modified to counteract the effects of the G-Bomb, but I believe there still might be a way to reverse it in the forms of Lyra and Bon Bon. The bond between them is immensely powerful and has been proven capable of nullifying the effects of the G-Bomb.

•The current course of action is to amplify that bond...

Twilight finished writing down her observations and smiled to herself. Things weren’t quite as bad as she initially thought. Sure, Equestrian society had collapsed into one, big, gay orgy and ponies were literally fucking each other to death, but it was nothing the power of ~~friendship~~ love couldn’t handle. Hopefully. Probably.

Now to check in on Equestria’s new heroes...

Alright, now it was just gross. Lyra and Bon Bon were making some kind of sucking motion on each other’s mouths. And they both seemed to be having trouble breathing.

Twilight would have looked away again if not for the fact that this was the most kid friendly scene on tv right now. The desensitization spell had already worn off and she wasn’t going to keep casting it all day. That would probably result in permanent brain damage, just as she was pretty sure that looking anywhere else would result in immediate brain trauma followed by advanced mental scarring. Just listening to the kind of sounds originating from a couple of stallions off to her left was enough to make Twilight question whether suicide was a valid alternative to a lifetime of nightmares.

The two lovermares in front of her had moved from locking lips to knocking hips. Both were on the ground now, Lyra on top, slowly tracing her lover’s outline with her hooves. Bon Bon cooed softly. She reached up and pulled Lyra’s head down by the horn, giving her a long passionate kiss similar to the first one Twilight saw between them.

Twilight was surprised. Not only was she not repulsed by the erotic scene playing out in front of her, but... she actually kinda liked it.

No, Twilight. You are straight. The confused mare shook her head for emphasis. This was established early on in your life and does not change. You have a massive porn library back in Canterlot to prove it too. Besides, the megaspell didn’t affect you. The shield protected you…

The shield protected you?

Her eyes widened. “Oh, fuck.”

Lyra and Bon Bon glanced up at the alicorn voyeur, Lyra’s hoof already submerged several centimeters deep in her marefriend. They made awkward eye contact with Twilight, who sighed distractedly and waved a dismissive hoof. “Not you, fuck me.” She paused for a moment then face-hoofed herself when she realized what she said. “No, wait, that could have been phrased better. I meant to say…” She trailed off as she finally took in the awkward scene in front of her. The sight of it all made her remember why she was here, why everypony else would rather fuck than hold a decent conversation, how she could fix it all.

“What am I doing?” Twilight muttered to herself. She refocused her thoughts. There’s a time for play and a time for business. Now was a time for business. “You two. Lyra the unicorn and Bon Bon the earth pony.” She used her magic to separate them and made them stand at attention before her. “I am your princess. As loyal subjects to the crown, and the only mentally competent ponies in Ponyville, I order you to help me fix this.”

Twilight released the two new draftees from her magical grip, shivering slightly at the telekinetic feel of Lyra’s moist hoof. Though at this point, she was unsure whether the repulsion was sincere or forced. “Seeing as how you two will be traveling with me for a while, we’re going to have to set a few rules.

“Rule number one: No sex. Under any circumstances,” she said, pausing to look Lyra and Bon Bon in the eyes, one at a time. “It's what separates us, from those… those animals.”

Lyra frowned. “Um, aren't we all—”

“Rule two: No joking around. Not like that crack you made earlier about"—Twilight paused to rub her forehead—"hipster queers.”

Both of the respectable homosexuals before her broke down into giggles at the mention of the admittedly fresh joke. Twilight scowled at their immaturity. “See! That right there. We need to be focused on saving Equestria, and we can’t do that if you two keep making wise cracks like that one… Hey, are you even listening?”

Both mares were rolling on the ground in laughter. “It’s funny because we were gay before everypony else was gay,” Bon Bon explained redundantly. “That means—”

“Yeah, I get the joke. I just don’t think it’s that funny.” Actually, Twilight found it very funny. She just didn’t want to admit it because admitting it would concede what little authority she had over them. “If you think you’re being clever, stop. Wit isn’t going to save anypony’s life here. Pragmatism is.”

Lyra was the first to drag herself up off the ground. “Oh come on, Twilight. You may as well make a rule against having fun.” She playfully slapped Twilight on the shoulder. “You’re acting like the world’s ending, or something.”

Twilight stared at her friend. “That’s because the world is ending, Lyra. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but modern pony civilization has collapsed. Ponies are ransacking each other’s crotches like it’s everypony’s business. No one’s eating. No one’s sleeping. No one’s looking over the foals…” Twilight’s eyes doubled in size. “Sweet Celestia, the foals.”

Bon Bon looked around casually. “Where are the foals anyway?”

“Rule three: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT mention the foals.” Twilight’s head twitched a few times, one eye not quite blinking at the same time as the other one. “Maybe if we pretend—”

“I think the foals are still in the schoolhouse,” Lyra said, pointing in the general direction of Ponyville Elementary. “At least, that’s where they would’ve been when the G bomb went off.”

Twilight stared intently at Lyra, a half-mad gleam in her eyes. The dangerous kind of mad. It made Lyra more than a little uneasy. She started to subtly gather energy in her horn. In case it came to that.

After a few more moments of intense silence, Twilight relaxed and sighed heavily. “Of course, of course. What was I thinking? They’re still in the schoolhouse learning!” She smiled to herself, thinking of the happy faces of all the fillies and colts receiving an education. “They’re safe at school. I wonder what they’re learning today?”

“Probably sex educa- Ow!” Bon Bon rubbed the sore part of her ribs that Lyra had unceremoniously jabbed her hoof in. “What was that for?”

Lyra tilted her head towards Twilight, who was standing a little ways apart, an unnatural smile on her face as she muttered reassurances to herself under her breath. Lyra lowered her voice. “Let her have this. I don’t want us to be remembered as the mares who broke Twilight Sparkle.”

Bon Bon watched as Twilight apparently said something funny to herself, as she started giggling half-heartedly. “Are we really going to do this? Help Twilight fix all this?” Bon Bon turned to her marefriend. “What’s in it for me?”

“Really?” Lyra said, rolling her eyes. “You have to ask that?” She snorted. “I knew I fell in love with a sociopath.”

“A high-functioning sociopath,” Bon Bon corrected. “Takes one to know one.”

“Well, think of it this way. You run a sweet shop in town, correct?” Bon Bon slowly nodded her head. “Now you rely on steady sales to keep your business going, but these ponies don't seem interested in buying each other chocolate before they fuck anymore. So…” Lyra waved her hoof through the air, hoping her (reasonable?) marefriend would connect the dots.

“Damn, you’re right,” Bon Bon said, shaking her head. “Homosexpocalypse here will ruin my business. Can’t afford to go under in this economy.”

Lyra’s eyes twinkled with triumph. She opened her mouth, about to say something, before Bon Bon shoved a hoof straight in there. “Don't pretend like you’re doing this ‘for the good of Equestria’ either. These ponies don't seem interested in dropping a few bits for a street performer like yourself.” Bon Bon smirked. “So unless you’re considering a career change to a prostitute, you want this resolved as much as I do.” She removed her hoof from Lyra’s orifice.

The sly unicorn rubbed her injured pride. “I am doing this for the good of Equestria,” Lyra asserted. “And for… other reasons,” she mumbled, looking away. “Besides, isn’t…” She trailed off as she realized Bon Bon wasn’t paying attention.

The blue and pink striped mare looked to be deep in thought, and based on Lyra’s past experience with Bon Bon’s deepest, most personal musings…

“I know I was joking earlier when I mentioned prostitution, but…” Bon Bon flexed her eyebrows suggestively multiple times.

“No.”

“Ah, c’mon. Deep down, you know you want to.”

“Hell no.”

“We could work as a team?”

“Gods no.”

“Just once.”

“Fuck no.”

Bon Bon grabbed Lyra’s face and stared into the depths of her soul. “Your mouth says no, but your eyes scream yes,” she whispered intently. “Join me, Lyra. This whole unfortunate situation shouts ‘opportunity’ if you ask me. We’ll be the richest mares in Equestria.” She slowly started backing away. “Just think about it.”

Lyra rolled her eyes. “No, I will not think about it.” She nodded towards Twilight. “C’mon, we’ve let her stew in her own self-illusions long enough.” She stopped and glanced back at Bon Bon. “And by that, I mean pretend like all the colts and fillies are having a normal day at school or some shit like that.” She looked Bon Bon directly in the eyes. “Seriously, if you see some foals playing hanky panky on the street, get them the fuck out of sight. It sounds like Twilight has found a way to fix this, but she won’t be able to help our respective businesses out if she goes loony on us.”

Bon Bon open her mouth to reply, but Lyra shoved it closed with her hoof before the jokester pony could say something stupid. “Do you understand me, love? The fate of our wallets depend on this.” She narrowed her eyes and slowly removed her hoof. “Don’t fuck this up like last time.”

Bon Bon rubbed the back of her neck nervously, and glanced away from Lyra’s judgmental glare. “Alright, jeez. I promise I won’t fuck this up like last time. I’ll follow the stupid rules, okay?”

“Good,” Lyra said. “Now let’s go save… the world (wink).”

“For the Economy!”

They trotted over to Twilight. The perfectly sane alicorn appeared to be in the middle of interviewing a couple of unicorn mares that were giving each other horn.

“And would you say you are satisfied with your enhanced sexual performance?” Twilight asked, scribbling something on the back of her parchment paper.

“Ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

“Hm-hm,” Twilight responded, scribbling furiously on the parchment. “Is that so?”

“Lllllrrrrrrrr- uhhhhhhnnnnnn.” More scribbles.

“Uh, Twilight?” Lyra poked her friend. “What are you doing?”

“Shhhhhhh!” Twilight hissed. “I'm trying to have a heartfelt discussion with my clients. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to have to ask you to give us some privacy.” More scribbles. “Doctor-patient confidentiality and all that,” she added without looking up.

Bon Bon and Lyra exchanged a look. “Didn’t this happen the last time she went crazy?” Bon Bon stage whispered to Lyra.

Lyra raised her eyebrows. “I remember her enchanting a doll with a love spell and everypony in Ponyville trying to kill each other for it, if that’s what you mean. Now it’s like that, except the doll is everypony else’s crotches.”

“Oh yeah, that happened too. Didn’t Celestia swoop in and fix everything.”

Lyra nodded. “That she did. It was like, the only time she did anything useful.” Lyra cast her gaze skyward, her words taking on an air of foreshadowing. “But I have a feeling that isn’t gonna happen this time.”

Bon Bon lightly bounced on her hooves. “Ooh. Can I be Celestia then?”

Lyra turned back to her marefriend smiling warmly and poked her playfully on the nose. “You’re always my Celestia.”

They kissed. Passionately.

After a moment, Bon Bon pulled away. “So hot,” she sighed. “Alas, this situation calls for serious Celestia.”

She trotted a few paces over to Twilight, who was still conducting her “patients’” interview.

“Have you two known each other for long?” The Princess of Psychology stopped scribbling long enough to adjust her glasses before resuming. “Hmmmmm. I must say, this isn’t a healthy way to begin a relationship.”

Bon Bon reached Twilight, removed her glasses with her mouth, raised a hoof, and bitch-slapped the fuck out of her. “Why don't you send me letters anymore!?”

Twilight staggered back, dazed and confused. “Wha…?”

“You were my favorite student, Twilight Sparkle!” Slap. “You will burn in Tartarus for this!” Slap. “Fix my shit!” Slap.

After the fourth slap, Twilight covered her face in the hopes of preventing further facial abuse. “I'm sorry, Princess! I'll try harder next time! Please don't banish me,” she whimpered.

Celestia Bon stepped back, her features softening at the pitiful cries of her apprentice/victim. “Oh, Twilight. I'd never do anything to hurt you.”

Twilight cracked one eye open slightly. “Wait…” She opened them all the way. “Bon Bon?”

“Yes, my faithful student?”

“You’re insane.”

“You've got issues.”

Lyra snickered. “Nice to have you back Twilight. We need at least one sane pony on the team at all times.”

“Um, right.” The Princess of Sanity finally seemed to gain awareness of her surroundings. Looking down at her ridiculous doctor’s uniform, she quickly destroyed it, silently vowing never to cosplay again. Bad things seemed to happen whenever she cosplayed.

She shook her head one final time. “So… where were we?”

Bon Bon was back to her usual self at this point, acting as though she hadn't just violated Twilight’s subconscious. “You were in the middle of giving us rules for the quest we’re about to go on together.”

“Ah, yes. Rules.” Twilight looked at her notepad to double-check. “I doubt you could follow more than three at a time, so we’ll keep it at that for now.”

“Whatever,” Lyra snorted. “Let’s just get this over with. Where are we going?”

Twilight smirked. “I hope you like crystals.”

“I already know but I’ll ask anyway because it seems like you really want this,” Lyra replied before adding a very ditzy “Why’s that?”

Twilight propped a hoof up on a conveniently placed rock, eyes gazing into the sun, mane billowing majestically in the wind she spontaneously conjured up. Damn, did she look cool.

“That's because”—she squinted for extra emphasis, wings flexing in anticipation—“we’re going to the Crystal Empire.”

Author's Note

Get ready for an epic quest of gay proportions.

It can only get gayer from here!