TCB: Wild Cards

by AegisExemplar

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Adventure
Length: 9023

When you need precision and not a division, call in the Wild Cards

The Wild Cards are a group of ponies selected to handle missions that a larger force would be too slow and unwieldy to handle. Spade, Club, Diamond, Heart, and whatever unfortunate soul draws Joker for the mission are just who you want when you need a job done NOW.

Nominally set in the Cloudyverse forged by Cloudhammer, but sideslipping into any universe that needs their skill.

Published 2012-06-22 06:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-03 05:31:57 UTC

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‘Complain about the Lieutenant’ had always been a favored game among the enlisted, and the ponified enlisted were happy to continue the tradition.

The four ponies gathered at the card table had only been ponies for a few weeks. They’d been born in the same town, raised together, schooled together, enlisted together, served together, and, unfortunately, were in the same Humvee when they struck an IED embedded in the roadway whilst serving abroad.

Each had lost a different limb in the incident, and had joked that at least together, they had enough left to form a whole. A few years down the line Emergence had occurred, and several months after that each had received a very official letter informing them of the opportunity to serve the colorful ponies, whole again, with only the catch that they themselves would become said ponies. They’d gathered at a card table, much like the one they were at now, and hadn’t so much as discussed it before agreeing on their new path.

They had come through the process, once more as a group, and found a surprise: They had been not only among the few to already have cutie marks, but a set of complementary cutie marks. Each matched the call sign they had given each other, and thus, each had taken their former callsigns as their Equestrian names.

Heart, their medic and now white-with-red unicorn, was dealing this round, his red magic aura floating and shuffling the deck. He would fling cards, seemingly at random, to each of the other three sitting at the table. He usually dealt, thanks to the magic he now employed, but no one complained.

Spade caught a card in his teeth and added it to the other two he’d acquired. He was getting better at holding his cards, thank goodness. Hooves were tricky, but he’d need ‘em if he was to continue to be his squad’s de-facto engineer. He’d wound up an Earth pony, fittingly, and was wonders when it came to dirt work. Should the squad ever need to dig-in, they would never have to worry about the improvised structure. He ran a hoof through his black mane and scratched at an itch on his white flank.

Heavy-handed as he had been as a Human, Club was equally or more so now. He’d carried the heavy weapons and used them with deadly efficiency, and now Club dwarfed the other three, and very nearly dwarfed the Lieutenant. He carefully picked up his fourth card, then glanced about, watching the others be dealt. No one had doubted he’d be an Earth Pony in the end, and that had proved true. His black fur gleamed in the lamplight, and his white mane stood straight in the mohawk he’d never been allowed to have during his service years.

Hovering in the air waiting for his cards to hit the table was Diamond, the pegasus, red fur and black mane lightly rustling in the breeze produced by the beating of his wings. More often than not he was in the air, even if that meant blowing away his hand. He didn’t care; he was here for the comradery, not the card game. Diamond had been their scout, eyes every bit as sharp as his namesake. He could often pick out things unaided that his squadmates had trouble seeing on 10x magnification.

They finished their hand (or should they call it hoof now?) and slid their cards back to Heart, who’d been chosen once again by the other three to shuffle and deal. A knocking at the door, followed by a red nose through it, interrupted.

“Hey fellas, mind if I join in?” A large red stallion grinned, peeking. “Heard ya’ll had a game goin’ on.”

“Pull up a pillow, stranger, always glad to take a few bits from a new face,” joked Spade as he made room between himself and Heart for the newcomer, who did as instructed.

“So, what’re ya playin’, colts?”

“Five-card draw, figured we’d keep it simple. Joker’s wild,” responded Heart as he dealt the newcomer in. “So, I’m Heart, that’s Spade, our squad leader back in the service, the giant’s Club, and the featherbrain’s Diamond.”

“Ha-ha, needle noggin, just gimme my cards,” called Diamond with a grin. Club just nodded, while Spade waved.

“Call me Joker, then. How ya play? Some of these convert games are weird.”

The four exchanged glances. Their new friend was apparently a native Equestrian. They’d each walk back to barracks with a bag full of bits tonight.

“Well...” began Spade, “it’s actually pretty easy...”

At first, as predicted, Joker lost more than he won. They’d interspersed their game with their true favorite game, ‘Complain about the Lieutenant,’ each taking their turn, while Joker lived up to his name, usually in the form of twisting their words into comedic insults, the favored kind of joke for males of their age set.

“..And do you know that El-Tee Exemplar just had us dragging things around today? Through mud? I swear, if that armor didn't already turn us brown, I probably wouldn't have known it didn't after.” Club snorted at Spade’s complaint. He’d enjoyed the easy exercise.

“Hah, that was nothin’. Cloudhammer, that hardflank, he was making us dodge lightning!” Heart raised a doubtful brow at Diamond. “Okay, they were baby bolts, but still! I think my fetlocks are still twitchin’...”

“At least you guys don’t have to learn how to break physics. Those muffin’-lovin’ rings of Evergreen’s... eesh. Luna take ‘em all.”

The four turned to Joker, who was now expected to share his complaints. Joker just shrugged. “Well, at least you guys are learnin’ stuff, right?” He smiled. The other four rolled their eyes and tossed their cards down in unison.

“Oh, guess this pot’s mine.” The four others groaned, having universally and accidentally folded.

The game went on for a while, and slowly but surely the pile of bits grew and grew in front of Joker. The others couldn’t believe how quickly the newcomer had caught on to the game.

“Well, I know you’ve not been ponies long,” Joker explained, “but you’re all really easy to read. Tail twitches, ear flicks, that kinda stuff. I’m sure you’ll figure it out in time.” He took yet another round, more bits added to his pile.

‘Well, colts, I think that’s about as much as I can handle tonight. I’ll see you two-” Joker nodded to Club and Spade “-tomorrow mornin’, bright and early.” He nodded to Diamond and Heart. “Tell Cloudhammer and Flare I said ‘Hi.’ I apparently need to plan some more... interesting... challenges.” He grinned slyly, then scooped his pile of bits into a saddlebag conveniently covering his cutie mark and trotted out the door. “After all, Joker’s wild.”

Spade and Club exchanged a panicked look, while Heart and Diamond just started laughing.

“W-was that...?” started Club, the first thing any of them had heard him say that night.

“No..No, couldn’t’ve been...” Spade said, sweat rolling down his face. He had said it himself; The armor turned them all brown. How could they have known the Lieutenant out of uniform when he wasn’t yelling at them?

* * *

Aegis sat down with Cloudhammer, Evergreen, and Dawn Breeze. Captain Shining Armor had been unable to attend, though Aegis had no idea why. Evergreen had permission to speak for him.

“General, fellow Lieutenants, I believe I’ve found just the kind of squad I’ve been looking for.” Aegis grinned. “These colts have always been together. They knew the power of friendship before converting, so much so that their cutie marks even form a set. Separating them would be a shame, even just assigning them to a bureau would be a severe misuse of their skills.” Aegis tossed a folder from his saddlebag onto the table, then relayed some of the more pertinent bits of information he’d gleaned directly from the four.

“With your permission, I’d like these four to be released for further special training. Somethin’ a little more akin to what I traditionally do.” Aegis braced himself, preparing to go into in-depth reasoning of the need for a small, fast force, something deployable at a moment’s notice to anywhere, be it Earth or Equestria. A precision force, for when a division was overkill or simply too long to put together.

“Granted.”

Aegis puffed out the air he’d taken it. “What?”

Cloudhammer smirked. “I said ‘Granted.’ You’ve shown good judgement in the promotions of your subordinates. That’s all I need to know to see you assemble your team. This will only set us back four ponies of a thousand. Frankly, Lieutenant, I don’t know why we haven’t done this before. While the Bearers are certainly competent, they are still civilians, and we can't let ourselves become dependent on the Elements.”

Evergreen and Dawn Breeze looked at each other and shrugged, then nodded their assent. After all, if the General approved, why shouldn’t they? Neither could offer an argument; besides, Aegis was right about one thing at the least: these four were excellent together.

The Wild Cards met for their first training briefing the very next day.

Go Fish

Myra hadn’t chosen to undergo ponification. Not yet, at any rate. However, the local branch of the PER had been taking “volunteers” lately, and Myra had been one of the “lucky” few. Lucky in the fact that she’d survived.

As she lay there on the cold, hard metallic table, only a thin sheet of paper between her flesh and the freezing metal, a PER “doctor” pony stood over her, brownish amber eyes almost whirling, his yellow coat light enough to almost blend in the lab coat he wore over it. A brilliant, messy red mane with a horn rising out of it finished his off-kilter look.

“Hmm, yes, mid-twenties, moderately good health, only a few tumors, and non-malignant at that. Why, boys, you’ve brought us a fine volunteer today!”

The gag in her mouth and the straps holding her to the table disagreed with her attempt to disagree with the doctor’s pronouncement.

“Tut-tut, now, Miss, what was it, ah, Miss Fisk. Myra Fisk, of 322 East Boardwalk, in, oh, my, Ocean Pines, Maryland. Aren’t we a long way from home.” He flung her identicard aside. “Well, you won’t have to worry about that again. You’ll be oh so happy with the rest of us in Equestria oh so soon!”

* * *

Myra hadn’t been to the ocean since she was a little girl, but back then immediately offshore had been filtered out, basically making a huge swimming pool thanks to the nano-net. Not even nano-net could keep it filtered now, and Earth’s oceans were devoid of anything that couldn’t survive eating heavy metals, pesticides, herbicides, and other poisons. She had been extremely excited, then, when she’d heard an old Ocean World sea park had reopened in Florida, sporting some of the fish and other sea-fauna native to Equestria. Real fish, and not Mechanopet reconstructions! She had heard you even got to feed them. Myra immediately began saving as much of her monthly stipend that she could.

Years passed, and the barrier grew and grew, coming so far as to clip the west coast of the Amerizone. Myra had finally managed to get enough credits together to make her trip, thanks to a few neighbors ponifying and leaving their meager Earthly goods to her, along with, of course, much encouragement to get ponified herself. Always was it “I will, I will, in time.”
Myra purchased the megatrain ticket and found herself in Orlando, Florida soon enough. One tram-ride later, she stood at the gates of Ocean World, smiling ponies graciously awaiting her at each gate. Her entry pass purchased, the only thing that stood between her and the fish, dolphins, other porpoises, and even whales were a set of iron gates and several gas-masked unicorns, lobbing small canisters of something into the crowd. A harsh, chemical smell assaulted her nose, and all too soon the only thing she saw as her eyes crossed, out of her conscious control, was blackness.

* * *

Myra once again struggled uselessly at her bindings, and chewed at her gag. Whatever material they were constructed of, it wasn’t going to give.

She’d heard of these PER nutjobs before. Almost everyone had, by now. They’d been openly active in Brisbane, Australia as of late, but their other, more guerilla activities were known worldwide. They’d been mass-converting people-and whatever else would have the misfortune of being in their airborne formula’s path. The news was never good, as their unstable formulas would often kill as many as they would convert. She was already wondering why she hadn’t yet been converted. She still felt fingers and toes, though she admitted to herself she couldn’t see anything but the surgical lamp above. The PER’s mockery of a medical professional was still droning on. She had managed to tune him out, but as things were want to do, noticing him had brought his voice full back to the forefront of her attention.

“-And so, you see, that’s why we’ve deigned not to mass-ponify until we get the potion juuuuust right. Celestia has refused several attempts at requesting proper funding for her glorious project, even going so far as to say we’re not even a proper ponification organization... but we all know she just can’t openly support us. After all, how else can she get all these poor, poor humans ponified before the barrier simply kills them all?” He didn’t seem to even be addressing her anymore. Then she noticed the observation windows above, silhouettes of ponies and even humans staring down at the two within.

“Thusly, my dear, are you ready? In Celestia’s name and by Luna’s grace, we welcome you to the herd.” He lowered a breathing mask over her face and Myra found herself forcefully drifting back to sleep.

* * *

She heard the thundering hooves before she ever saw the luminescent forms. They rumbled past, and she felt the undeniable urge to join them. She ran, dashing about playfully. The herd moved as one, turning towards a great cliff, sprouting wings and leaping off. She followed suit, but instead of flying into the air, joining the now-pegasi, she fell, fell, fell, into the cold water below.

* * *

The wet-looking dull grey mass wasn’t forming properly. That was all Doc Scalpel could tell. there had been no split at the legs, and the forelimbs were short, thin and wide. whatever this mess was going to be, it wasn’t going to be a functional pony. Another revision failed.

* * *

She was swimming! After so long, the flow of water over her limbs was more than refreshing. She hadn’t ever been able to afford the exorbitant fees required to swim in clean, fresh water, but she was certainly doing so now. A number of curious spectral form swam up to her then, shortly after, begun swimming and frolicking alongside her. They resembled massive sea horses, only instead of the dragonlike heads of Earth sea horses, they had the heads of ponies. Eventually the school lead her deep, deep into the water, to a coral castle beaming with light. Within she was lead down a hallway to two coral thrones, if that is what they could be called for beings who did not sit.

Instead, two presences floated there, tails hooked around outcroppings of coral, one brilliant white, one stunningly deep blue. Magnificent fins jutted away from their backs, while strings of pearls decorated their manes. A single horn rose up and away from their foreheads, while confused looks sat on their faces, each staring at Myra.

“Tell me, my little... seapony. How came you to be here?” asked the white one on the left.

Myra had no immediate answer, but soon once again found words to speak.

“I was visiting the Ocean World theme park. I had been saving so very long...” she sniffled. “But then, these ponies came. They were from the PER, and took me...”

“Say no more, foal of the sea, I have come to understand thy plight,” said the being on the right. “Thy journey in life shall be hard, young one, but worry not. We shall find thee, and free thee, this I promise.”

With those words still echoing in her mind, the coral chamber began to fade.

* * *

The form on the table was covered in very fine hairs, a light blue in color with the head of a pony and a light pink mane, it began to slowly twitch its fins, it prehensile tails curling and uncurling. It began gasping at the air, the gills it now possessed requiring the oxygen it took in to be dissolved in water.

It was dying. They were losing her, but not to serum-death. She was drowning in air.

The revision they used, labeled XR-2p, had not killed the subject, but the magic used in the creation of this particular sample had simply been wrong or mis-cast. Had they been anywhere else, this subject would die. But they weren’t just anywhere. They were at Ocean World, and they’d somehow managed to get a seapony convert. The table was unlatched from the floor, the wheels deployed, and thanks to a solid Earth pony, the subject was rushed to a sub-basement water tank and plunged in, the salty water soaking parched tissues. She began to respirate easier, her gills fluttering in the warm current of the fully-enclosed tank. all observation showed that the subject seemed to be functioning adequately and would soon return to consciousness.

When Myra awoke, she did so to a flood of new sensations, breathing water the first among them. She panicked, but soon realized she was fine. Better than fine, in fact, as she wiggled around. Glancing down at herself she was startled to see not four hooves, but two fins and a single long tail, curved slightly. She wiggled it experimentally, gurgling happily to herself. each sweep of her new fins moving her, each bob of her tail directing the flow of water to help steer. Despite her situation, she found herself very happy. Right up until she bumped in the glass, flattening her nose against it.

She then noticed her observers, the same figures she had only been able to half-see through the glass before, above the table in the operating room. They were still only half-visible due to the warping nature of the glass enclosure. She finally took the time to take in her surroundings.

She had been placed in a cylindrical aquarium tank about ten feet in diameter, about 12 feet tall. Various bits of oceanic detritus lay about the bottom of the sandy tank, and a castle structure too small for her use lay toppled against the ‘rear’ of the enclosure. The tank was viewable from every side, which led her to believe that she’d been placed in a part of the park that had once been used for display.
‘ As she was now displayed.

“I’m terribly sorry about this, Ms. Fisk. I wish we had better accommodations, but I’m afraid we hadn’t anticipated such a development. I’m afraid we need to keep you here for the foreseeable future.” Doc Scalpel turned away, leading the rest of the small crowd, save for one human, who rapped on the glass. Myra recoiled, the echoing tap pounding into to ill-guarded ears.

“You hungry, my little fishy?” drawled the man. Myra swum forward, trying to speak but only releasing a series of ‘ooh’ sounds, akin to whale calls. “I’ll take that as a yes. I’ll have some stuff brought out to you. Enjoy your stay. It’s probably going to be a long one.” he turned and left.

Myra looked about her tiny enclosure, and then at the empty halls. crying tears gone unseen into the salty water, she called out loud, the heart wrenching ooohing echoing away down the hallways, saddening all else who heard it.

* * *

“Are you sure this is the place, Spade? Just looks like any other park from up here.” Diamond was circling high above the Ocean World Park, putting his talents to good work on overwatch. The pegasus was just a dot, red fur notwithstanding, but his ever-sharp grey eyes caught every detail as human and pony milled about, enjoying the aquatic attractions.

“Positive, Diamond,” replied Spade through the commset. ‘Word is this one came straight down from the Princesses. Plural. As in both of them. How d’ya think we got deployed so quickly?”

“And if the Princesses themselves had a reason to get us here that quickly, then you know that it’s something important. We’re geared for rescue, remember.” Heart was double-checking his medgear... and his shotgun, loaded up with beanbag rounds. PER weren’t likely to use lethal means, but they’d still find some way to resist. Heart may have been a medic, but he was also a realist. As a Unicorn, he was the only one of the four still able to wield human weapons effectively.

Club grunted, The black mound of Earth pony muscle showing he was alive. “I just hope they have sense enough to lay down and stay out of the way.” Spade and Heart looked at each other. That had been the single longest sentence Club had uttered in days. He sure got excited before a scuffle. The white ponies went back to their final equipment checks.

Their current Joker, driving their van and, while they were inside, operating communications and data, was a human. As tradition dictated, Joker was wild. They almost never had the same Joker for two missions.

They usually needed a new Joker after each.

“Okay, this park’s layout is simple. You listenin’ Diamond?” Diamond double-clicked the mic, signaling affirmative. “We go in, slip through one of the hidden access tunnel doors, then we search room-by-room until we find our objective. Princess wasn’t terribly clear, as they’d only found out about this through a conversion dream conversation. Those make less sense to the Princesses than they do to us, apparently.” Spade spread out a map.

“Now Heart, you keep close to Club. I’ll need you to cover him while he breeches. Anything he can’t breech, I will. Diamond, you keep being our eye in the sky. Anything up there happens, stay on it. Do not approach unless I call you in. Copy that?” Another double-click. Diamond was upset at being left out of the action. Spade knew he’d get over it.

“Joker, we there yet?”

“You bet, Bossman. er, Bosspony. Park’s just reopening after that gassing a few days ago. Guess they figure the perps got away. We know better.” Joker paused. “Uh...we DO know better, don’t we?”

“From the highest sources. Sit tight, time to go see the sights.”

The Wild Cards had been forced to forgo the titanium guard armor they’d usually wear for this mission; instead, they wore human-made but pony fitted kevlar body armor, fashioned to look like typical tacky tourist clothing. Diamond had found Club’s red and white floral-print particularly funny on the large Earth pony. Heart’s pump-action shotgun was snuggled among a camera tripod, and most of the other gear was simply packed away in saddlebags like any other tourista would wear. They approached the front gate as a group.

“Three please.”

“300 creds or 30 bits, please.”

Spade cringed slightly, but handed over the bits. He’d be reimbursed, and this was a good cause. The human-style turnstile wouldn’t accommodate ponies, especially not those on the scale of Club, so a second pony-styled entryway led them into the park at large. Heart clicked his mic on.

“Joker, Heart here. Where’s the closest undertunnel entry?”

Joker tapped away on a laptop, bringing up the somewhat out-of-date park layout. “Closest is about forty feet away to your right, but you’ll want to skip it. Too visible. If you track another 80 or so northwest, following the edge of the shark tank- whoa, sharks? Cooooool...”

“Focus, Joker.”

“Um, right, there’s an entryway hidden around the back side. Shouldn’t be hard to find, this isn’t exactly a fortress.”

“Says you. Nopony know what they have underneath,” Spade interjected.

“True enough, Boss. It’s a rat’s nest of tunnels down there, but I doubt they’ve done much in the way of construction if they’ve kept the park operational.”

“Roger that. Diamond, you have a visual on us?” Another affirmative double-click of the mic. Diamond was still in a huff.

“Right then. Deploy, gentlecolts.” Spade led the other two on the ground past the first entryway and beyond, following the bright signs pointing out deadly shark facts. Arrows led the easy way to the shark tanks, and they surreptitiously slid around the backside of the tank one by one. With all eyes on the sharks, it was easy to go unnoticed by the small crowd.

Surprisingly, the door was unlocked. Club slipped in first, followed by Spade, then Heart. Heart stepped ahead and snuck a glance around the corner, clearing it for approach. Spade then rounded Heart, taking his turn. Finding no immediate concerns, they took out their equipment and began passing out items: Rubberized shoes to quiet their steps, Heart’s non-lethal loaded shotgun was deftly removed from the false legs of the “tripod” it had been hidden amongst. Gasmasks were passed around, simple snout-covering affairs, as the full head coverings were simply too bulky to have snuck into the park. Two flashbangs were given to each, as well as a single tear gas cannister each. The confined corridors would prevent easy dispersal, so the chemical agent would prove most effective. Finally, a set of airtight goggles went over their eyes.

Club went next, following the pathway he’d memorized towards the most likely location their target was being held; as to who or what the target was, they still weren’t sure. The Princesses had only instructed them that “they’d know when they saw her.” All four appreciated their Princess’s faith in their abilities, but faith isn’t as comforting as fact when walking into hostile territory.

Heart and Spade followed, in that order.

* * *

Myra had been tossed a head of lettuce and some sort of food pellets. She had gotten a ridiculous amount of joy eating the lettuce, but she’d let the disturbing looking pellets settle to the bottom of the tank in disgust. She still had some pride.

She sighed a bubbly sigh, then began ‘oooh’-ing again, sadness once again overtaking her.

* * *

Club’s ear twitched. Heart and Spade stopped, as Club doing anything beyond standing stoically was something worth investigating.

“D’ya hear that, Spade?” Spade shook his head to the negative, but Heart spoke next.

“It’s...it’s so sad...” Heart shut his eyes, ever the ‘sensitive’ one. He even had a tear roll out of his eye before settling, pulling himself together. His horn lit, red aura pulsing a moment before shutting down. “It’s this way, Spade.” Club didn’t give either of the squadmates present the chance to get in front of him.

* * *

Doc Scalpel paced around his sleeping room/laboratory, trying to figure out just what went wrong with the latest batch of experimental potion. Finally, he decided that, as it couldn’t possibly have been his fault, an intern had done it, and the volunteer simply had something wrong with her that her initial physical had missed. Yes, that was it. It couldn’t have been his fault at all.

The...thing...that the volunteer had become was making that awful noise again. Scalpel decided he’d had enough, and stomped out of his room, only to collide with seemed to have been a wall moved in front of his door. He looked up. Way up.

“Out of my way, foal, I have business to attend to,” he spat at the black form in the hawaiian shirt.

A hoof the size of a dinner plate reached out and greeted the Doctor the hard way, colliding with the sweet spot just below his horn, sending Doc Scalpel to dreamland, express ticket provided by Club, proving once more the accuracy of his appellation.

“Threat neutralized.”

“Uh, yes, Club, I saw. And heard. Good work.” Spade drew some heavy-duty cable ties from his saddlebag, using it to bind their prisoner’s hooves. “Watch out, Heart, got a headache coming out.” Spade pulled a small horn ring from a shielded side pocket, sliding it over Doc Scalpel’s horn. The orihalcum inlay would light Scalpel’s horn- and mind- on fire if he even thought of using magic to undo his bonds.

“Ouch, Spade, better have Sky Limit tone the stuff down if we’re gonna be using those much. It’s...I dunno. like someone’s squirt jalapeno juice in a cut, only the cut is my horn.” Heart grimaced, stepping away. “Can’t imagine what it’s like for that poor sap.”

Spade snapped a picture of Doc Scalpel, still no idea who he was, and fit the camera back into its slot in his saddlebag. “Yeah, well, he shoulda thought of that before joining up with these buffoons. Joker, you copy?”

“Copy, Boss, one special to go, extra jalapenos.”

Spade cringed. Why did Jokers think they had to live up to the name? Spade blamed Aegis.

Heart lined his shotgun up with the corridor, red aura of telekinetic magic resting easily on the weapon. With a nod to Spade and Club, he proceeded down the way. Club took his turn as rear guard while Spade fell into place in the center. The ‘oooh’ they were following continued to grow in volume, sounding to Heart more and more like the old whale song recording he’d heard as a colt.

Kid. As a kid. Heart kept forgetting he hadn’t always been a pony.

The base seemed very empty. Too empty, since it was supposedly PER. Spade thought these places were supposed to be crawling with happy, terrible ponies, willingly taking away the right of choice granted all free beings. Maybe the PER ran this whole park and they were all upstairs working. Not a comforting possibility when it came time to extract.

Spade snorted. At least the HLF were obvious about their bases. They’d all be shooting at you by now.

The trio rounded a bend, a floor-to-ceiling glass cylinder filled with water and decorations dominating the room. Club, Spade, and Heart drew closer, noting the light blue-and-pink form floating within. Then it turned around, a pony head on some sorta seahorse body. Heart nearly dropped his shotgun. Spade stood there, slack jawed. Club stared, fascinated.

To Spade and Heart’s further shock, Club Spoke first.

“She’s beautiful.”

Myra started at the sudden appearance of the three, then pressed herself to the glass excitedly. Club stepped forward slowly, placing his hoof gently to the glass. Myra responded with a fin, placed in the same spot.

“Stand back, ma’am. This is goin’ get loud.” Club turned and began the motion to buck the glass.

“WHOA there, big fella,” Spade said, grabbing Club by the shoulder. “We need to secure transport first. She’s plainly why we’re here., and I don’t think leaving her high and dry is going to get us any closer to getting her out of here.”

Club was willing to concede the point, but before he could even flick an ear in acknowledgement, a hard impact struck him in the chest, a liquid splat raining onto his two comrades.Club stumbled back, a look of shock on his face. He looked down, staring at the purple goop dripping from his formerly red hawaiian shirt, then his gaze travelled back up towards the unicorn holding a cylindrical tube launcher in its telekinetic grip.

Gentle Glow had thought he had loaded a gas grenade in the tube. He’d been so certain of it. These three weren’t in any kind of gear the PER had issued, and he’d never seen any of the three before. This was the time for him to shine, and not just glow. These thoughts weren’t comforting as he met the wall behind him, not entirely certain how he’d gotten there. Thankfully, he need not worry for long, as black edged in from the outside of his vision and his head drooped to the side, his tongue lolling out serenely.

Heart’s shotgun still smoked, the beanbag it dispensed at rapid velocity having done its job well. Heart couldn’t even remember the sound of it going off, though from the way Club and Spade had their ears clamped down, they certainly did. Heart cycled the chamber, racking in a fresh beanbag round while Spade secured this prisoner the same way he’d secured the previous.

Diamond buzzed in on the comm, having at least gotten over being left out enugh to be back on speaking terms with the rest of the team. “Hey guys, I don’t know what you did down there, but they’re emptying the park. the stall vendors, ride operators, everyone’s just...leaving. looks like in a few minutes the only ones left are gonna be the civvies.”

“They’re bugging out?”

“Looks like, Boss,” interjected Joker, still plugged in out in the van. “Getting some buzz on an encrypted channel, but I don’t quite have what i need here to crack it.”

“But you’ve got some of the best gear...Okay, record it, we’ll send it to the eggheads later.” Spade was worried. How and why did the PER have equipment hard-encoded well enough that this Joker couldn’t descramble it with the top tech available to them? Spade put that thought aside for the time being. He could detail it in his debriefing later.

Myra, though the Wild Cards didn’t know her name yet, began flailing her fins in the tank, pointing to the side of her tank opposite the Wild Cards. Spade leaned around to look...

...And immediately withdrew again, a loud bang and a pinging sound as a ricochet bounded off the reinforced glass of the tank, which sprang a leak. Of more immediate concern was the clinking sound of metal-on-metal as a spherical object skittered across the floor.

“Grenade!” shouted Heart as he gripped it in his magic, flinging it away and past the tank, back in the direction it had come from. not a second later it detonated with enough force to drop that section of ceiling, exposing the much darker-by-comparison chamber in the light of day, a new ten-foot skylight. A human, of all things, stepped into the light of the beam, a pistol in hand.

“Well, hello, my little ponies. I’m going to assume you’re not with my little PER friends, considering you’re messing with my little pet here. I’m afraid I can’t let you remove the legal property of Ocean World from their confines. These creatures can be...dangerous.”

He fired two more shots, the rounds ricocheting once more past Spade on one side, Club on the other, effectively pinning them down.

Spade tapped his gas mask, sending the signal for Heart and Club to double check their own. he loosed the pin on one of the teargas grenades and tossed it passed the pillar. It began spewing the irritating contents but a moment after coming to a stop, but the man, muffled laughter echoing, had proven that he’d foreseen such an event. Spade growled, Pulling out a flashbang.

Heart shook his head no, motioning to the tank. Unprotected, the powerful sound could injure or perhaps even kill the occupant. The Wild Cards were running out of options. Heart floated the shotgun high, near the ceiling, and grinned. Spade nodded.

Heart slowly leaned the shotgun out, taking aim remotely, then, fast as he could, began firing and cycling the pump, sending the beanbag downrange as best he could without being able to directly aim. A Muffled thud and an “oof” met the relieved ponies’ ears, though the result had taken Heart’s final shell.

Then began that accursed laughter again.

“You’ve learned a few things from humans, I see. Well, I’ve learned a few things, too. Like Ponies won’t use lethal weaponry...and that lovely armor plating your guards use makes a fine non-lethal deterrent.” The man strode forward again, confident in his victory. A terrible screeching noise echoed from the park loudspeakers, followed by powerful orchestral notes.

Heart’s ear twitched. “Is that...Flight of the Valkyries?”

Spade merely nodded. “Eeyup.”

The man looked around in confusion, the powerful notes momentarily distracting him. Without warning, a loud cry echoed out from behind him, from the hole left in the ceiling:

“Dah-dun dun dun daaaaaah dun, DEATH FROM ABOVE!!” Zooming through the gaping hole at a speed surely utterly unsafe for the maneuver came a red blur, blazing in the bright sunlight. The near-line of crimson slammed into the rear of the unknown human, knocking him forward with a sickening ‘crack.’ Both parties tumbled toward the tank, slamming into it hard enough to send a jagged streak of broken glass from floor to ceiling, a multitude of small leaks now gushing water onto the pair. Diamond stood up, wobbling, grinning like a fool.

“Hey guys. I miss much?”

“What took you so long?” smirked Spade as he steadied his friend.

“Had to get my music ready. You don’t know how jumbled up this place is.” Unfortunately for him, that was the last thing he was able to get out before his nose began running and his eye reddened, tears starting to flow freely. He coughed. “Tear gas?”

“Tear gas.”

* * *

Finding the proper equipment to haul Myra out was easy enough, as was getting her story. While she was only capable of breathing water, she was still able to speak once air hit her vocal cords.

Princess Celestia herself had teleported in once she had learned of the Wild Card’s success. Local authorities took the three captives into custody, with royal guard support, and the Wild Cards were once again congratulated on a job well done.

Myra had taken on the name Coral. Princess Celestia had contacted a colony of Seaponies, who had happily agreed to take in the Newfry. They assured princess Celestia that they could be called upon at any time should they be needed.

The Wild Cards settled back into their van, preparing for the trip back to the local guard barracks for debriefing and a ‘port back to base in Kauai. They were discussing the mission, trying to piece together anything they mighta missed, when Diamond’s ear started twitching.

“Say,” Diamond said from the front seat, “you guys hear somethin’ funny?”

“Like what, Di?” Heart replied lazily, busy taking an oilrag to his shotgun, giving it a thorough cleaning.

“Kind of a ticking.” Diamond looked around, mildly concerned. “Wait...how long have we had that Hula girl on the das-”

Splat.

Purple goo covered the inside of the windshield, Diamond, Spade, who had leaned forward to investigate, and, to his misfortune, Joker, the human who had been driving.the van careened off the freeway, coming to a muddy, soggy stop in the mud-filled ditch. Spade reacted first, leaping out of the rear of the Van and running to the driver’s side. He yanked the door open and drug the now changing Joker to the side of the road, using his teeth to rip pressure points off Joker’s shirt so as to prevent any breathing or blood flow restriction. With that done, all they could do was wait.

Soon enough his conversion was complete. Joker had turned out to be an earth pony (bits were exchanged from Diamond to Club) and he woozily looked up to Spade.

Heart leaned in to Spade, a question on his lips. “Is Joker okay?”

Joker looked up, a stupid grin on his face “I’m going to open a Pottery shop.”

Spade sighed. “Nope. Scratch one more Joker.”

* * *

The phone rang only once, as this call had been expected after that fiasco.

“Well, what happened?”

“Equestria happened, sir. Again.”

“And?”

“We’re set up to try another time. This batch had promise, but all samples and the developer were seized. Also...”

“What is it?” the scrambled voice angrily demanded.

“They got Fitch.”

“You know what to do.”

Hospitals, even those with prisoners as patients, were never very heavily guarded. It was very easy for patients with critical injuries to never wake up.

Stacking the Deck

“Are you absolutely certain this is necessary, Bookbinder?”

“I am, Calligraphy,” replied the aged tan unicorn stallion to the relatively younger, middle-aged unicorn mare who sat across from him. “Clearly, we ourselves are unable to accomplish this task alone, if our own members are succumbing to the effects.”

“I’ll contact the Princess at once. Let us hope it isn’t already too late.”

* * *

“Dear Princess Celestia... oh, no no, that won’t do at all... Dear Auntie Celestia... hmm, how does that sound, Shiny?” Cadance looked up from her letter to her dear husband, Shining Armor, and tilted her head in question while nibbling absently on the end of her quill.

“It sounds fine, Cadance, and watch out or you’ll nibble the wrong end again,” chuckled Shining as he teased his darling wife, who ‘eeped’ in surprise and pulled the quill away from her mouth in a flare of light blue magic. The ink from the ‘pen’-cident had taken a week to wash away.

“Not too formal? Not formal enough? I know it’s not like I’m in charge of the sun or moon while my aunts are in the human lands so much, but this is a formal letter informing them of the Wild Card’s assignment to their pet mage guild’s little mishap...”

“Maybe just ‘Dear Celestia’ then?” suggested Shining helpfully, pecking Cadance on the cheek. “And losing something like the-”

A knock at the door interrupted Shining Armor. “Enter,” he called.

A white stallion with a black mane strode into the parlor between the posted palace guards, saluting Shining and Cadance as he entered. “Lieutenant Spade reporting, sir. The Wild Cards are ready to receive orders.”

“Oh, Lieutenant, very prompt,” Cadance noted.

“Second Lieutenant Heart made use of the Beacon Stone. We are a fast response team, ma’am,” spoke Spade with more than a little pride. Heart had powered the Beacon Stone alone, with very little rest needed afterward. It was a major achievement for a newfoal unicorn, though not likely one Heart cared to repeat very soon.

“I’m glad you were able to make good time, Lieutenant. I’m afraid that with my sister and the other Elements of Harmony scattered and preoccupied, and the rest of our Guard forces spread so thin, you and your team are our best option at this point. I won’t lie to you; the very fate of Equestria could very well be in your hooves.” Shining Armor pulled an ancient tome from a bookshelf behind Cadance. Carefully, he set it out on the table in front of Spade, opening it to a specific page.

“The hows and whys have been lost to the ages, but as you can see in this illustration,” Shining motioned to the picture on the page of a strange, snake-like chimera, every limb that of a different creature, and nearly nothing else matching. Oddly enough, he looked as if he was... singing? “Discord used to have two fangs.” Shining paused to let the fact sink in, only to see a minor look of confusion cross Spade’s face.

“Oh, sorry, Lieutenant. I forget that you’re a newfoal, and you newfoals have little information on Discord. He’s the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, twice now sealed by the Elements of Harmony. A very powerful force to contend with.”

“And you want us to take him down, Sir?” Spade stared at the picture of the statue, unsure just what tactics they’d need to use against such a foe. Something with the letters ‘AP’ and probably ‘HE’ in front of it.

“Oh, no, Lieutenant. Discord is safely sealed away on the Palace Grounds. You, however, will be tending to the missing Fang of Discord.” Shining Armor pointed to the illustration, which showed two fangs. “As I said, only my Aunt-in-Law knows how the fang went missing the first time. When it was recovered, it was placed into the care of the Ordinem Elementorum. Over the ages, it appears that the Order... well, forgot they had it. Until they lost it.” Shining Armor sighed.

Cadance took up the brief. “It appears that one of their own apprentices, a magess who went by the name Utila Novum, rediscovered and promptly absconded with the artifact. None of the guild members sent after her have returned, and there are fears that they’re being corrupted by the chaos-magic into her tools.” Cadance produced five charms from her dresser, each a flat piece of some sort of metal stamped into the shape of a heart. She floated them over to Spade. “These should protect you from any sort of mind magic she might employ against you. I made them myself.” Cadance smiled brightly.

“Um, thank you, ma’am, but why five?” Spade already knew the answer, but felt it was proper to ask anyway.

“Your fifth member, of course,” answered Shining Armor. “We’ve selected a mission specialist for you, a mage from the order.” Shining turning to the door again. “Please send him in, Private Ranseur.”

A massive unicorn, as large and as muscled as some Earth ponies, strode into the room, armor gleaming in the light. His very mane nearly glowed with power, his grey coat doing nothing to dampen the sheer presence the unicorn brought to the room. He looked down(!) at Spade...

And then stepped aside, revealing a scrawny, yellow, lime-green maned Unicorn in a thick pair of horn-rimmed glasses. A pair of worn saddlebags sat out of place across his rump, obscuring his cutie-mark. A hooded cape lay halfway down his back, the hood undrawn.

“Add a pocket protector and braces and you’ve got every nerd I ever saw back in school,” Spade thought to himself. “No disrespect, Sir, but please tell me this is a joke. I’d much rather take him.” Spade motioned at the mountain of Unicorn that had escorted the twig into the room.

“Nonsense, Lieutenant. Private Ranseur has other duties to attend to on the grounds. Apprentice Index here is just the unicorn for the job, right, guy?” Shining addressed the last part to Index directly.

“Yes, um, Sir, Mister Armor. I’ve done extensive research regarding chaos magic and its effects on ponies and the environment. Why, it’s said that the Everfree Forest is among the last fragments of the time of the Reign of Chaos, and yet during Discord’s recent release and rampage nothing ever happened to it. Fascinating, really, why, if I had a team-”

“Yes, well, Sir, I don’t doubt his knowledgeability of the subject, but will he be able to keep up? He’s hardly what I’d call a soldier,” Spade interrupted. He looked at Index again. He’d meant no cruelty, but every member of the Wild Cards had to pull their own weight. Even if Club could pull everypony else’s weight and then some.

“I engage in vigorous calisthenics every morning, Lieutenant Spade. I assure you I’ll be able to keep pace with the rest of your team. In fact, I imagine I can suggest any number of exercises and routines to improve your squad’s physical conditions. Perhaps a good cardio program, or I could work out a proper schedule balancing muscle conditioning with an aerobic routine, focusing on improving agility, since I know you have to occasionally dodge human gunfire. Or maybe-”

“That’s fine, Index, and I appreciate your concerns. We each have a personal, optimized workout-” Spade shook his head, catching himself drifting off-topic as well. “Ahem. Pardon. Do we have any idea where this rogue mage has holed up, Sir?”

“Well, as your latest Joker has mentioned, the Everfree forest seems to be a relic of the Reign of Chaos, despite the original capital being located there. For that very reason Utila Novum has decided to make her lair there. The Order’s agents, capable mages all, have gone missing all along their planned route. Old maps show a cave system in the area, and... well, where each mage’s last known location has been basically forms an arrow pointing right at it.” Shining marked four points on the map pinned to the table., then two more on each side, the rough form of an arrow taking shape.

“This nutjob wants to be found,” Spade nearly whispered.

“It appears so, Lieutenant.” Cadance walked over to the map. “We’re hoping the particular tactics you employ will make the difference. But above all else-” Cadance turned a caring glance to Spade and Index-now-Joker “-please be careful. I couldn’t bear losing anyone else to this witch.”

“Ma’am, We’re the Wild Cards. This is what we do.” Spade saluted crisply. “Permission to depart, Sir?”

“Granted. Go get ‘em, ‘Cards.”

“Yes, Sir.”

* * *

Diamond slammed his forehooves into the training bag again, poor Heart sliding back some more.

“And why-” (wham!) “-can’t Club-” (whack!) “-do this-” (smack!) “-again?” Heart practically begged. Diamond was lightweight for a Pegasus, but he hit hard enough that Heart was probably going to be nursing several bruises even through the bag.

“Eh, dunno, said he had something to do before we left Canterlot.” Diamond struck the bag with a forehoof again, striking with the front edge and forcing the bag to spring a leak. “YES!” crowed Diamond as the beans poured out of the ‘wound.’ “Okay, Heart.” Heart sighed in relief, ready for a break. “Now the right hoof!” Heart groaned.

“My turn,” rumbled a voice from behind Diamond. “Hold for me, Diamond.” Club was back.

“Sure thing, Club,” Diamond practically chirped, still high off managing to pop his training bag. The Royal Guard training facilities were leagues above what they generally had access to in Hawaii. Destroying the equipment on the Crown’s bit was the aim of every guard rotating in or through Canterlot. “Okay, pal, do it to it!” Diamond braced against a fresh training bag.

Club reached out and ‘tapped’ the bag a few times, rocking the whole thing, Diamond included, back and into the air. Club suddenly whirled and lifted his back legs into the air, coiling them back like a pair of snakes preparing to bite. Diamond’s eyes widened and his pupils shrank to mere pinpricks.

“Oh Luna no.”

Club bucked the training bag and bag, chain to the ceiling, hook in the ceiling, and part of the ceiling rocketed straight back into the (thankfully, padded) wall. Unfortunately, one overly-cocky pegasus had failed to react in time, leaving a cloud of feathers where the bag used to hang. All that could be seen of Diamond were a pair of wings splayed out on either side of the training bag, embedded in the wall’s padding. Fluff blown out of the top floated serenely to the ground as if nothing had just happened.

“You ok, Heart?”

“I’ll heal, Club.” Heart laughed in good humor. ”Heal him, too. Wow... good thing you only used one leg.” Heart trotted over and began to scrape up the remains of their aerial recon, a red aura encompassing his horn as he began the healing spell. Diamond was back up on his hooves shortly thereafter.

“You didn’t have to hit the bag so hard. And why’s your mane all goofy lookin’? And what’s with the bowtie? You look like a dressclub bouncer.” Diamond was rubbing his head, still with a light headache, as he bombarded Club with questions. Club yanked the tie off and pushed his mane back up into its normal Zebra-style mohawk.

“Ohhhh, I see now...” started Heart, smiling at his large friend, “Club here had a date.”

“Whaaaaat? No way, I can’t get a date, ain’t NO way Club managed it!” Diamond shut up, having let loose perhaps a little more information than he’d intended. “I-I-I mean, hey, we’re always deployed, I mean, right, hardly time for it...”

Heart grinned at Diamond. “Sure, sure, no time... never mind that you’re not exactly a looker, or have any way with the mares to speak of..”

“Oh yeah, and just what’re YOU lookin’ for?”

“Ladies, please, you’re both pretty.” Spade trotted into the room, followed by the latest Joker. “Gear up, Cards, we’ve got a dance to attend.” Spade waltzed through the training gym and straight back to the office he’d claimed as a briefing room, the rest of the Wild Cards filing in after, each giving an appraising look at Index. Heart nodded, Club grunted a hello, and Diamond stifled a laugh.

“Ok, kid, you do know what our turnover rate with the fit-for-combat Jokers are, right? You...You’re gonna get smeared before we leave Canterlot.” Diamond eyed Index. “Maybe sooner.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about me, Diamond,” started Index, “I have available to me some of the finest defensive wards ever inscribed. The origins of many trace back to the Neo-classical period, and a few even back as far as the paleopony era. A fascinating time period, back when the early unicorn tribe first began to codify their spellcasting, creating some of the first spellbooks, carved into soft clay tablets that were then baked, hardening them into-”

Spade cut Index off, clearing his throat for attention. “Settle it down, and Diamond, you know better. So, colts, here’s the deal...” Spade settled into lecture mode. The three regulars of the Wild Cards were his brothers-from-other-mothers, but he sometimes felt more like their foalsitter; every time another Joker was folded into the team, however briefly, it started all over again.

* * *

“Our contact says that her pawn has decided she’d be better off as a queen.” The man in the black suit spoke into his encrypted phone as he drove towards the contact point.

“Show her what happens to those who fail us,” answered the heavily distorted voice on the other end of the line.

“Yes sir. And if she resists?”

“Show her Fitch. Or at least, what’s left of him.” Volunteers were always so hard to find...

The voice on the other end of the line gulped audibly. “Y...Yes sir.”