Rainbow Dash Is A Hopeless Lesbian Drunk, And Queen Chrysalis Pretends To Be A Stallion

by Semaj

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Fluttershy, Random
Length: 5284

A tale of how Rainbow Dash tries to find a mare friend and kick away her drinking problem while at the same time The Queen Of The Changelings attempts to 'get in' with the mane six by turning into a stallion and trying to seduce Rainbow Dash.

Thank you to everyone who helped me write this story while I was at Bronycon!

Rainbow Dash has a problem. Whenever the weather is bad, (due to her own idiocy) she goes to the local lesbian bar and gets completely hammered. Twilight has had enough of it. She says that to keep Rainbow from drinking and sleeping around, Rainbow must get herself a good marefriend. That way, Dash will stop ending up in Twilight's house. So Dash goes on the hunt for the best mares in Ponyville.

Queen Chrysalis also has a problem. She wants to take the elements of harmony out of the picture, but she doesn't know how. When a drone tells her that she can take out the mane six by 'getting in' with them, she sets out to seduce one or more of the pastel horses. When she hears that Rainbow is on the market, she turns herself into a stallion that the Queen thinks the blue pegasus would love.

Unfortunately for The Queen, Rainbow is into mares, and she is too dense to figure it out.

Written for F*** THIS PROMPT competition that can be found here. The prompt was Rainbow Dash is a lesbian.

This story has cursing, sex jokes, and jokes about lesbians. None of the things in this story are meant to offend, but be wary that the faint of heart or easily offended may not want to read. For the sake of making the story more adult in nature some of the characters do or say things that may seem out of their cannon character. That's the way it is when you make a more adult story about cartoon horses. You have been warned.

Published 2016-07-12 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-12 02:50:01 UTC

Rainbow Gets Hammered And Ruins Everything

It was, in fact, not a beautiful day in Ponyville. To say that to you would be a complete lie, and I’m not that kind of narrator. Anyway, it was so burning hot that pretty much everything in Ponyville was either very unhappy or an inanimate object. Even then you might have had a hard time. Some ponies hid under trees to escape the heat, but most didn’t because they actually had a home. That’s one of the perks of not being a background pony; you actually get to live somewhere. Rainbow Dash, unfortunately, had a house in the sky, so she had to crawl her way to somewhere with magic air conditioning. It’s not like she had much to complain about; this was completely her fault.

There was actually light rain scheduled for all that week, but after she and her five only friends finished their monster battle, which takes place at exactly 3pm every third Tuesday of each month given that it's not a full moon, she was so tired that she put off her weather pony work for that day. The next morning she also put off her weather pony work. That afternoon she went to the bar. She meant to do her work by the end of the day, but unfortunately for her, somewhere in the night’s debauchery, she blacked out and found herself on the floor of Twilight’s castle. After insisting that no sex had taken place the previous night, Twilight threw her out of the building in a literal sense.

“Well,” she peeled herself from the cracked dirt and dusted off her rump. “I should probably meet up with Applejack for the…”

Rainbow took a look at her surroundings and noticed something wasn't quite right. Today was a perfect day. The sun was shining, birds were singing, Lyra was sitting on a bench, and everypony was in a fantastic mood. Since Rainbow hadn't seen Lyra since the house party last week, she decided that she should probably at least have a few words with her.

Rainbow scuttled up the the bench and plopped her plot on the scorching metal. She almost immediately pulled her plot from said metal. “Oh… Hey Lyra.” Dash coughed, and her face turned a deep shade of red. Due to her blue fur however, she just kind of became purple. “So good news… I failed that pregnancy test.”

Another test she failed was her Sex Ed final.

“Aren't you happy…” Rainbow laughed, but got no response from Lyra “you didn't get me pregnant!”

Lyra continued to sit on her bench, her sunny eyes staring, catatonic, into space.

“Look, if you're mad at me, we can talk about this!”

Still nothing.

“Wow.. Is it hot in here or is it just me.”

There was a quiet gurgling from Lyra’s mouth.

“No seriously,” Rainbow Dash was turning into a Blue Raspberry popsicle. “Lyra?” She poked the soaking wet mass of mint green. “Lyra!” Rainbow sprung to her hooves. “LYYYRAAAA!”

As Dash shook Lyra’s steaming hot, moist body, it dawned on her that she may have made a mistake.

***

Typically when Rainbow Dash would screw up, the town hall wouldn't end up on fire, but today was a special day.

The line may have been long, but at least there was air conditioning inside the town hall building. The line was so long that it ran from the front desk all the way to the door leaving Rainbow in the awkward position of between the cracked double doors but not quite inside. She soon fell asleep standing and was only woken when a very small stallion in a very large coat jabbed the underside of her body.

“Move it buddy!” He shouted, his gold teeth showing in a wide grimace.

“Oh! Uh yeah! I'm really sorry sir!” Dash slipped through the doors that were resting on her sides, shook her head and staggered her way forward. She tried not to slip on the wet tile, but for some reason, Town Hall cleaned their floors every two hours regardless of the amount ponies inside. When Rainbow finally moved through the winding maze of lines and rope walkways, she trotted up to the front desk and looked the desk manager dead in the eyes.

“Can I help you,” she droned, her voice like the desperate cry of a fork when caught deep in the jaws of a garbage disposal.

“Yes,” Rainbow Dash tapped her hoof faster than a rabbit high on caffeine and illicit magic enhancers. “I think I killed my friend.”

She didn't. Lyra had simply passed out. However, instead of calling an ambulance, Dash thought this was a more appropriate reaction.

The mare behind the desk pushed up her glasses and smacked her lips together. “Young lady, the murder helpdesk is over there.” She gestured toward another desk to their left. Rainbow looked to see the stallion with the gold teeth arguing with the desk attendant.

“Well, that's not exactly why I'm here.” Dash rubbed the back of her neck and made a humming sound.

The mare behind the desk smacked her lips together again. “The bureaucratic system does not have time to waste on you. Please hurry your request, so the system can waste time on more important things.”

Dash tried to think about how to keep it short. “Well, you see, I went out drinking a few nights ago when I was supposed to be making it rain…” The blue pegasus tapped her chin. “I mean, I did make it rain, but not in the sky if you know what I'm saying.”

Desk mare was not amused.

“Anyway, I forgot to do my job that day. The next day I tried to do it, but I was tired, so I took a sick day. But because I took a sick day, I got bored, so I went drinking again. Then I actually got sick, but I'd prefer not to talk about that part…” Rainbow cut herself off.

There were a few seconds where all that could be heard was the vigorous smacking of lips and the ticking of the bureaucratic clock.

“I need to send a weather request to Cloudsdale.”

“Alright.” She pushed her glasses up and meticulously organized a stack of papers. “You are going to want form 867-5309 in box A113 on floor three.”

Rainbow tried one of the memory mnemonics they taught her in grade school, but soon realized she forgot how it went.

“Repeat that?”

Rainbow was given an ANGRY lip smack. “You'll know it when you see it.”

Rainbow Dash did not know it when she saw it. All the papers looked the same, so she just filled out all of them. Rainbow was tired and had a hangover, so all she wanted was to get this done. Unfortunately, Rainbow had atrocious mouth writing, and most of what she wrote looked like the scrawling ramblings of a psychopath. She also drooled a lot.

In the end Appaloosa was given a hurricane, The Everfree forest got massive hail, and Ponyville just got more sun.

***

Queen Chrysalis was bored. The hive was supposed to be in hibernation, but apparently, somepony in the weather department thought it would be funny to bathe the Everfree forest in hoofball-sized hail. No reasonable pony could expect a changeling to sleep with that mess going on above. So instead, the queen was occupying her time with violent fantasies of draining the lifeforce of all of Equestria. She knew that she wanted to destroy Ponyville specifically. She also wanted to get revenge on Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the bottom feeding scum she called friends, but she wasn’t quite sure how one would go about disemboweling The Elements Of Harmony.

After a few hours of producing changeling eggs in a horrific process that I don’t want to describe and you don’t want to read, the Queen began spitballing ideas.

“Well, I know that I’m going to have to infiltrate them somehow,” she said as she readjusted her ice pack. The miracle of egg laying is a painful thing. “But how?”

One of her drones began to speak, “Well ma’am... I, uh—”

“That was a rhetorical question!”

“No really! I have a good idea!” the drone closed his insectoid eyes and awaited whatever punishment Chrysalis was going to give him for speaking out of turn. He just hoped she wouldn’t chose him as her next mate; most drones die from the mental stress alone. And those that don’t are never quite the same.

“Do you?”

“Uh, yes?”

“Well then,” the queen purred with a wicked smile. “Tell me what it is.”

“Well, the elements of harmony are friends, so they must know all about each other right?” He got no response. “Well, uh… I don’t think that you’d be able to impersonate one of them without the others knowing. I think the best thing you can do is invent a persona, and try to get uh... in with one of them.”

The Queen raised her brow ridge. She would have raised an eyebrow but she lacked that physical detail. “What do you mean by ‘get in’ with one of them?”

“Well, uh… you know… like into them…”

Chrysalis sighed and slapped her forehead. “What is wrong with my kingdom…”

“No, no, no, listen! Uh, if you get a pony in bed with you, then you can get them to tell you almost anything!”

The Queen tapped her hoof. “And you know this from experience I take it?”

“Well… No?”

“Convincing.” Chrysalis stood from her throne made entirely from the legs of her dead children. It wasn’t very comfortable, but it made a compelling statement. “What is your name drone!”

The changeling shivered and swallowed hard. “Uh, Drone, Alphanumeric Designation T1TT135.”

“I like your plan, T1TT135! I will do this! As reward for your astute nature, I am upgrading you from drone to concubine!”

T1TT135 felt a throbbing pain in his chest.

It was not a fun night for anypony.

***

Rainbow Dash, to avoid the heat, took a trip to her favorite place in all of Ponyville: a bar named Flannels, after the typical attire worn by its patrons. It was a dumpy building nestled away in the seedy underbelly of Ponyville.

Inside, the light blue pegasus sat in a splinter ridden wooden chair chugging her twelfth mug of suspicious green cider.

“YO! BITCH!” She waved a leg at the mare behind the long vomit covered bar. Rainbow was pretty sure it was a mare at least. Maybe it wasn’t; she was pretty hammered. “Hit me with another one of those BITCHES!”

“Rainbow, I’m cutting you off,” the bartender growled as she spat into one of the mugs.

“WHAT!” Dash slipped from her chair to the concrete floor. She puked a little and then tried to get up. Instead she brought two chairs, her mug, and another customer down with her. The customer seemed okay with it. Honestly she seemed much more than okay with it. “BITCH You can’t cut me off!” she grumbled as she finally scraped herself off of the ground. “I’m your best customer rrrr!”

“You owe us thousands of bits!” The mare shouted. “I may have to declare bankruptcy literally just because of you!” One might think that she was using the term “literally” in a hyperbolic sense, but she was she was 100% correct. Rainbow alone owed more money than the building was actually worth.

“Come ooooooooon baby,” Rainbow said, lowering her voice. “I’ll be your BITCH all night long!”

“I’m not letting you sell your body for alcohol.” The mare put a hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder. “You have a serious addiction, and you need to seek professional help.”

“NAAAAH!” Dash chuckled, burped four times, then chuckled some more. “I AIN'T NO BITCH!”

“Get out of my fucking bar.”

“Why you gotta be such little BITCH all the time? Did you know you were a BITCH? Cause you’re a BITCH.” Rainbow slurred, She threw her head back and gurgled her spit.

The bartender sighed. “Security.”

Two massive female bouncers came over from the door and grabbed Rainbow by the wings.

“Oh dear Celestia yes!” Rainbow moaned as the two grossly muscular mares dragged her toward the door. “Ravage me, ladies!”

Everyone in the bar stared at Rainbow Dash with the sort of stare you get when watching an an animal die.

***

“You need a marefriend,” Twilight said.

“No I don’t.” Rainbow Dash jutted out her lower lip and looked at the floor.

“Yes, you do!” Twilight fumed. “Maybe that way you’ll stop drinking… and sleeping in my castle. I’m not going to let two enormous mares drag your unconscious body into my house at 1:00 am ever again!”

“Hey that’s only happened like two other times!” She paused to think. “Two and a half other times!”

“Look at you!” Twilight pointed at Rainbow’s prostrate body. “You are lying, with a massive hangover, on a magical table built to find disturbances in the friendship force, in the middle of a throne room, in the middle of a crystal castle! That is what your life has come to!”

Rainbow groaned as Spike applied ice to her forehead. “Hey, not so loud. It hurts…”

“Stop dodging the issue!” Twilight began pacing the shining floor.

“I liked your old house better. All this sparkly crystal shit makes me nauseous.”

“This castle is more befitting of a princess!” Twilight snapped.

Dash covered her ears and shooed Spike away. “Don’t kid yourself Twilight. You're only a princess so Celestia can sell little figurines of you in the Canterlot gift shop.”

The Princess Of Friendship stopped pacing and whipped her head around. “She sells what of me where?”

“Yeah, I bought like six of them last time I took a trip to the castle.”

“WHY?!”

Rainbow Dash covered her mouth with a hoof and made that shushing sound no one likes. “SHHHHH!”

“No really, this is serious! I—”

“SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Twilight put her face in her hooves. “Get out of my castle.”

“What! No Twilight,” Rainbow dove to Twilight’s hooves. “I can’t! You’re my only real friend! Plus it’s still hot as balls outside!”

“Oh well, you smell like booze and vagina, and I don’t want that in my castle.”

“PLEASE!” The hungover pegasus began kissing Twilight's hooves with an annoying mwah sound.

“Get out of my fucking house!” Twilight proceeded to kick Dash in the muzzle and then levitate her out the door. “And don’t come back until you have a marefriend.”

***

“I know, Mr Bear, I’ll get you some more water in a minute.”

Fluttershy was dashing back and forth tending to an entire house full of exhausted, dehydrated animals. In times like these, her cottage was the first place overheated animals would go to find shelter.

Just as Fluttershy had turned on the faucet, another such desperate creature was at her door.

THUNK… THUNK… THUNK… “Fluuuttershyyy!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” Fluttershy scrambled to the door, took a deep breath to regain her composure, and mentally prepared herself for whatever was about to happen.

“Yes?” she whispered after half-opening the door.

A lethargic, sweaty Rainbow Dash was crumpled in a heap at her doorstep.

“Can I stay at your place?” she mumbled, attempting a charming smile. “You know, just to get out of the heat and stuff.”

Fluttershy sighed. “Rainbow, you know I’m very busy today, I mean, you can come inside but—”

“AWESOME!” Dash sprung to her hooves and charged in as soon as she heard those words.

She darted to the couch as terrified birds and chipmunks evacuated her flight path, swarming about in all directions.

“Sweet Celestia! It’s sooo cool in here!” Rainbow exclaimed, limbs sprawling off the edges of the couch. “Thanks for letting me crash, Fluttershy!”

“I would prefer if there wasn't any crashing going on inside.” Fluttershy shook her head and ran a hoof through her mane. “Rainbow, I know it’s hot outside, and you can stay in here if you really need to, but what I was trying to say before is: I have a lot of animals to take care of, so it would really help if you would just stay there and rest so I can focus on helping them.”

“Yeah, sure, no probs!” Dash made an exaggerated waving gesture. “By the way, would ya happen to have any cider?”

Fluttershy hesitated. “Well... uh, no, but, if you’re thirsty I could always get you a glass of—” Her green eyes widened in sudden realization. “Water!”

She bolted to the kitchen to turn the faucet off.

The kitchen was in a state of chaos that would warm Discord’s heart. The bucket Fluttershy was filling for Mr Bear had long since overflowed onto the floor in a pool like a tiny lake, and said bear was lying in the middle of that lake like a large hairy island. He must have been rolling around in the pool to cool off, because all the food, water dishes, and their contents had been knocked over and strewn across the floor, which was now also covered in shed bear fur. Birds, who were still spooked from Rainbow’s sudden entrance, were swarming around in confused circles, feathers drifting down to join the soaked, spilled, food and bear fur. Seconds after Fluttershy arrived, a single feather glided it’s way down into one of Mr Bear’s nostrils. He sneezed a massive bear sneeze, causing him to bump into the counter knocking over a jar of flour. It crashed to the floor sending a great plume of powder into the air. Mr Bear sneezed again, and a plate fell from the counter. Angel hopped into the room and up onto the counter. He surveyed the mess and frowned at his now spilled, soaked, and flour covered lunch. He looked up, stared Fluttershy right in the eyes, and knocked over another plate.

Fluttershy shuddered a bit, and had to hold back some tears, but she put down her hoof and bucked up the courage to face this disaster.

In the other room, Rainbow Dash began to ramble. “Hey, Flutters, you know, I’ve had the most messed up day today. Oh, and yesterday... yesterday was even crazier.” She continued to ramble, but frankly, Fluttershy did not give a single buck. All Fluttershy was worried about right at that moment was how she could fix the kitchen, and more importantly, make sure all of the animals were okay.

The next hour or so was a blur of cleaning, animal care, and Rainbow calling Twilight a bitch. Other than that, Fluttershy failed to catch much of what Dash said. She did not really listen until she felt a hoof on her shoulder, causing her to nearly jump out of her wings.

“So, I guess what I’m trying to say is...” Rainbow took a deep breath. “I need a special somepony in my life, and I thought maybe… you could help me with that.” Rainbow Dash was blushing profusely.

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. She was terrible when it came to giving advice about stallions.

“Oh, no, I’m so sorry Rainbow. I just don’t do that sort of thing. I mean, I wish I could help, but—”

“It’s ok Flutters, I understand.” Rainbow’s entire body sulked, and tears began to well up in her eyes. She wiped her face and straightened her posture as much as she could. “Well, on that note… I guess I'll uh… Take my problem somewhere else.” She walked out the door.

Fluttershy was not sure whether she should be sad, relieved, or just plain confused.

***

The queen of the changelings sauntered down Ponyville's main street in her newly made body hunting for a juicy piece of meat. She then realized that ponies were vegetarians and had hay fries instead. However, after her meal, she focused on finding the main six. She knew that the one known as Fluttershy lived in a cottage on the outskirts of town, but that was all of her information to go on. She looked around at the small houses and empty shops that surrounded her and questioned why no one was out and about.

She began complaining to herself. “Empty, empty, empty! Why are they all empty? Every street, every bench, every cart, nopony anywhere!” She paused. “Well, except for that mint colored one they were putting in an ambulance cart.”

A thought suddenly occurred to her. “Why am I trudging about the streets as a unicorn when I could simply become grow wings and see the entire town from the sky? I could find the cottage easily on my own, no directions required.”

She took a quick look around to be sure the streets were still empty, and in a sudden flash of green light, a pair of muscular wings appeared on her back.

“Ha! If Twilight can do it, why can’t I?” she mused with a wry smile.

Queen Chrysalis spread her new wings and soared above Ponyville. She located the cottage in seconds and flew straight there.

She slammed on the door. It cracked open to reveal one very disheveled yellow pegasus.

Chrysalis leaned her chiseled alicorn body against the doorframe. “Hey there, sweetheart. You going anywhere today?” She did that suggestive eyebrow twitch that makes everypony uncomfortable.

Fluttershy hesitated. She was not good at talking to stallions and probably even worse with strangers. “N-no, but I have a lot of animals here, and I’m really busy, so I really can’t go any—”

“Well, that’s too bad,” the queen interrupted, “because I’ve been looking for a special somepony, and I heard you were the sweetest, kindest pony in all of Ponyville.” Chrysalis flipped her flowing black mane as a convenient breeze flowed through it.

Fluttershy was confused as to why ponies were suddenly asking her for relationship advice. She had very little experience in that department. At least this stranger seemed nice, more than a bit odd, but nice.

“I-I really don’t know what to say,” Fluttershy said to the floor, “Rainbow Dash was here just ten minutes ago asking about stallions, and I wasn’t able to help her at all. If I can’t help a dear friend with stallions, I have no idea how to help a stranger with mares. I’m sorry.”

“Rainbow Dash is looking for a stallion?” Chrysalis mused aloud, “Tell me, where can I find her?”

“Well, she said she was going to ‘take her problems elsewhere,’ and went back to town.”

“Excellent! Thank you for your help, sweet cheeks.” The eyebrows started up again.

The queen flew off in a flash, and Fluttershy breathed a sigh of relief.

***

After leaving the cottage, Chrysalis was fairly certain that she would never get the stench of filthy animals out of her nostrils. After regaining her composure, she set out to find the pony known as Rainbow Dash. She was certain she would get her way, as she always did, but there was just one problem. She had no idea where Rainbow Dash was.

Chrysalis began asking the citizens of Ponyville left and right. Most responses consisted of "Ugh" or "wherever the alcohol is." Of course, a few ponies promptly pointed Chrysalis in the right direction. Specifically, she had a memorable encounter with an earth pony with an extreme amount of energy. The pony informed her, after a lot of rambling, that Rainbow Dash was at a place called Sugarcube Corner.

It was getting late, so Chrysalis had to trot in the dark, but she did eventually navigate her way to a small cake shop bearing the name she was given.
The door was locked, but there were bright lights on inside.

The Queen knocked on the door.

Soon there were hoof steps and a metal clicking sound. A banana yellow stallion had opened the top flap of the door. His eyes were baggy, and his mane was disheveled. “Hello?” He looked at The Queen. “No no no! I'm sorry Sir, but we are closed.”

Chrysalis stopped him from shutting the door with a pitch black hoof. “Actually, in here for Rainbow Dash.” She said in a low, sexy, stallion voice. “I hear she's available.

The yellow stallion stopped scratching his stubble and began to smile. “Wait, you mean you're here to take her away!?”

“Uh… Yes?”

“Sweetie!” He cried gleefully. “Someone is here to get rid of her!”

“Oh, dear! Really?” Came another voice. “One moment, she'll be right down!”

The Queen watched as a ball of blue pegasus and cupcake frosting tumbled down the stairs and to the floor.

“Thanks for the cupcakes, Mrs Cake!” Slurred the ball. “You're one bad bitch.”

“In the name of all things holy, what is that?!” Chrysalis cringed at the greasy mass in front of her.

“That's Rainbow Dash for you.” The yellow one gave a weak chuckle. “She got into our rum cupcakes. The weird part is, when you cook with alcohol most of it boils off. But she managed to get smashed anyway… And completely clear out all of our stock.”

“Well then. Are you going to give her to me or not?”

***

When Dash woke up, all she felt was pain. She cracked her eyes open and found herself in a wide grassy field. Far in front of her was a crystal clear lake, and above her was the moon, shining down upon the land in a shimmering crescent.

She looked around. Her headache was pounding, but the little specks of firefly light were soothing. For some reason she couldn't help but smile.

“Hello there,” came a voice.

For a second Dash felt her heart fly into her throat. “Who was that?!”

“Over here.” Came the voice from behind her.

Rainbow Dash turned around to see a pitch black alicorn with red eyes lying suggestively on a blanket.

“What did Pinkie put in those cupcakes?”

“Nothing,” the alicorn said. “But I want to put something in you, cupcake.” He twitched his eyebrows up and down.

“No thanks, I'm full.”

The alicorn, who was Chrysalis after forgetting to take away the wings she added, let out air like a sad balloon. “No, I don't think you understand. I want to fill you up in another way.”

Rainbow was a lesbian, and pretty much everypony knew. So it was pretty uncommon for a stallion to try to flirt with her in this way. Besides, Dash is pretty much a brick wall on the density scale.

“Fill me up?” She frowned. “What? Like fill me up emotionally?”

The Queen was beginning to sweat. “I brought you chocolate.” She pulled a heart shaped box from a picnic basket.

“Did you bring me cider?” Rainbow dash jumped over to the blanket and sifted through its contents.

“No.”

“Well, did you bring me a very special somepony?” She joked. “Apparently I need one of those!”

The Queen stared at Rainbow for a second and wondered why she even tried anymore. “Well I'm sure that somepony would love to… Uh, taste the Rainbow…”

“Yeah! That's what I need right about now.” Dash sighed. “You know anywhere where I can pick up somepony like that?”

The Queen bit her tongue so hard she almost bled. “I'm sure you won't have to look too far.”

“Really! Do you see one!” Rainbow leapt to attention and tried to see what The Queen was seeing.

The Queen facehoofed so hard it it left a mark. “Am I going to have to spell it out for you!”

“Probably,” Rainbow admitted. “I'm pretty terrible at spelling.”

“I’M TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!”

Rainbow Dash’s jaw found a home in the grass. “Wow…” She looked away. “Well then…”

The Queen covered her mouth. “I… I mean. Maybe we could go on a date sometime?”

Rainbow collapsed onto the grassy ground and began hitting her head against the dirt. “I'm really sorry.”

“No, it is completely fine!” Chrysalis said in a desperate attempt to save this debacle. “I was the one who made a mistake!”

“No, I mean.” She scratched her head. “I don't really know how to say this, but.” She sighed, and the air blew the grass in a swaying motion. “I'm not really into stallions.”

There was a long awkward silence.

Queen Chrysalis opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again.

After another pause, she shrugged her shoulders. “Why do I even try?” she grumbled before reverting back to her true form.

“Queen Chrysalis?!” Rainbow exclaimed. If her jaw was on the ground before, it had now sunk all the way to Tartarus. “So, you’re looking for a marefriend too?”

The Queen could have spent time being confused as to why Rainbow was reacting so calmly to a villain who had nearly destroyed her friends before. But then again, after today, nothing really confused her anymore, and she was just too darn sick of this mess to bother.

“Yes,” the Queen sighed, “I am. I never really wanted to be. It’s just that it’s hard being in charge of an entire hive of drones that couldn’t even tie their own shoes, if they wore shoes, and every single one of them is so terrified of me that we can never have any real conversations. Outside the hive, nopony would ever talk to me either. They would simply run or cower or start a stereotypical mob of angry villagers to drive me out of town. My evil queen image is all I have. So, I have to keep it up with pointless schemes of destroying kingdoms and plans of how to take down the heroes that have stopped me. This whole marefriend thing thing started as a scheme to take down the elements of harmony, but to be honest, I don’t even know if that’s what I really want. I guess it’s just what everyone expects of me at this point. Nopony is ever going to see me any other way, so why bother trying anything else?”

Rainbow brushed at the grass with her hoof. “You know, I guess I can kind of relate to that in a weird sort of way. For years, ponies have only thought of me as an overly horny lesbian drunk who bucks up everything she touches. I tried to do things right for a while, but nopony ever took me seriously. The sex and the booze is all I really have to help me feel better, and everyone just expected me to be that way so I guess it was just easier giving them what they expected. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you’re a bad pony, er, changeling. You’re the first one to take me at least somewhat seriously in years, and I’m glad you shared your feelings and stuff with me.”

The Queen began to feel something she had never felt before. “Rainbow Dash, I don’t know what to say. I never thought someone could see me as… good before. If you can see me that way, maybe I will become something more than just a monster.” She inched her way closer to Rainbow Dash. “And, I will make it my mission to make sure those other pony fools see you as more than just a lesbian drunk.”

The two locked eyes for a moment and began aggressively making out.

***

“Twiiiiillllliiight!” Rainbow called while knocking on the door of the castle the next morning.

“What do you want?” the princess snapped as she yanked open the door.

“I found a marefriend!” Rainbow exclaimed, holding hooves with Queen Chrysalis at the door.

Twilight took a long pause to absorb the sight that was in front of her. She sighed. “I need a drink.”