Twilight wasn’t much in the morning without her coffee, so she always went straight for the kitchen when she woke up. Normally, when she did, the kitchen was empty, and she was able to sit and enjoy the silence of the early dawn before she had to face the day. Occasionally, after an especially long night of reading, her morning would start a bit later, and Spike would be putting together breakfast when she got there. If she was lucky, Spike would even have some coffee brewing for her already.
Today, Twilight dragged herself into the kitchen, slightly surprised to see a mare standing in her kitchen. The home invader never looked back, instead busying herself with cups and plates at the kitchen counter. Twilight thought she might’ve recognized her uninvited guest, but she’d never remember while in her sleep-drunken state. Now, if she had some coffee…
“Uggggh,” groaned Twilight. The mare turned around, a bright smile plastered across her face.
“Good morning, Twilight!” said the mare. Upon hearing the voice, Twilight managed to piece together an image of who was in her kitchen.
“Oh. Starlight Glimmer. You live here now.” Twilight covered her mouth with her hoof in a failed attempt to contain a yawn. “I forgot that. Morning.”
“You okay?” Starlight’s grin faltered slightly, replaced with a look of confused concern. “You look… dead.”
“Coffee,” grunted Twilight. Starlight nodded, then turned back to what she was working on. A short second later, she used her magic to deliver a cappuccino to Twilight. It was beautifully made, with the froth painted to look like Twilight’s Cutie Mark, and it was garnished gently with powdered cocoa. Twilight accepted the mug with her own magic, blowing on it gently.
“You know, I’m training you to make friends, not become a barista,” said Twilight. She took a sip, tilted her head slightly, then took another. “Although, if this is any indication… We may need to find you a coffee shop to work in. Thank you.”
“It’s no trouble. I was just up earlier than usual,” said Starlight with a shrug. “Figured I’d do something nice.”
“Mmm, very appreciated. So, now that I’m a bit more of myself, down to business,” said Twilight, finishing off her coffee. “Friendship Lesson! What do you think, student of mine? Wanna try to make some more friends around town?”
“I dunno. Most ponies here are about as friendly as they’re gonna get with me, I think,” sighed Starlight. “Not everypony likes me, but they don’t hate me. I don’t think I can get much better than that right now.”
“Hm… How about a problem?” Twilight used her magic to summon a roll of parchment and a well-inked quill. She immediately began scribbling down a potential lesson plan. “Having any friendship-related problems?” Starlight thought about it for a moment, shaking her head after a bit of careful consideration.
“Nope.”
“Not upset with anypony?”
“Can’t say that I am.”
“Anypony upset with you?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
Twilight pressed her lips together, her mind struggling to find something to teach her student. Truth be told, Twilight didn’t really know how to teach friendship. It was so abstract, and everypony looked at it a bit differently. She needed something that applied specifically to Starlight.
“Hm… How’s Trixie?” asked Twilight. Starlight shrugged her shoulders.
“Same old Trixie. Bold, confident,” she said. “She’s on tour still. She said she’d be back to Ponyville in a few weeks.”
Twilight was going to ask more about Trixie when she was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. Twilight frowned slightly. It wasn’t exactly the crack of dawn, but it still was a bit early for visitors. She wasn’t expecting any of the girls, so she was genuinely baffled as to who it could be.
“You gonna get that?” asked Starlight as the visitor knocked again. “Or should I do it? Hey, does that count as a friendship lesson?”
“No. You can come with me, if you like,” said Twilight, making her way for the door with Starlight just behind her. A short jaunt later, and they arrived at the castle’s front door. Twilight pulled the door open, prepared to see some confused citizen wondering when the library opened.
Instead, she was met with the irritated glare of Princess Luna. She carried a basket on her back which seemed to be filled with pink cloth, and spent no time waltzing right into Twilight’s house.
“Greetings, Twilight Sparkle,” said Luna. She spared a glance to Starlight. “We know not your name and, frankly, We don’t have time to care. Be not offended.”
“O-okay,” said Starlight, bowing shakily. “It’s Starlight Glimmer, for the record.”
“Already forgot. Twilight Sparkle, We need a favor of you.” Luna cantered through the house and to the main throne room, with Twilight and Starlight hot on her heels. She set the basket on the round map table. “We don’t have much time to explain.”
“Of course,” said Twilight, sensing the urgency in the otherwise calm princess’ voice. “What sort of favor? What happened?” Luna took in a deep breath, then let it out in a long, exasperated sigh.
“I accidentally killed Celestia,” said Luna.
You could hear a pin drop after that. Starlight stared, mouth agape, waiting for Luna to elaborate, while Twilight just seemed to shut down. After half a minute of stunned silence, Twilight managed to reboot and ask the question that had been plaguing her mind.
“What?!”
“Well, I didn’t kill her proper,” amended Luna. Now that the greetings were done, she decided to drop the Royal We. “More like… 98% murdered her. She’s fine. Well, no. She’s not fine. She’s just been killed. But, relatively speaking, she is okay.”
“Your majesty?” said Starlight. “If I may interject… How exactly did you kill Princess Celestia?”
“We were dueling, like when we were fillies. Celestia got cocky, I got frustrated, and what was supposed to be a stunning spell…” Luna shook her head. “It came out a bit more potent than I intended.”
“Princess Celestia is… dead?” asked Twilight, hardly believing it.
“Well, no, not proper dead. Like I said, she was about 98% dead last time I checked.” Luna’s eyes strayed to the basket. “Perhaps I should check again…”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Starlight. Luna looked at her as if Starlight had suddenly manifested before her. “Er… No disrespect intended, your highness. It’s just… How can somepony be 98% dead?”
“Ah. Yes, of course, I forgot. Most mortals are ignorant to the inner workings of the alicorn species.” Luna began pacing. “When we die… we don’t. We simply revert to an earlier state. We are much like phoenixes in that regard. So, when I killed Celestia…” Luna grabbed the basket with her magic, then ripped out the pink cloth. “This happened.”
Twilight and Starlight stepped closer to the table in order to see the basket more clearly. Sitting inside, swaddled in a pink blanket, was a tiny, white foal with a relatively long, shiny pink mane. Twilight reasoned that the sleeping infant was only a few months old.
“Wait… Luna?” Twilight looked at the baby carefully. “Is this… Celestia?”
“Aye. And I have been away from Canterlot for too long. I must depart,” said Luna. “Please, look after my sister until she recovers.”
“Recovers?! Luna! She’s a baby, you can’t recover from being a baby! She’s going to have to grow up!”
“To an alicorn, there is no difference. Worry not, Twilight Sparkle. She will age quicker than you would think. I will be back to collect her later. I now have both the Day and the Night Courts to contend with.” Luna lit up her horn and shrouded her body with bold, indigo light. “Just keep an eye on her. I’m sure a princess of your stature can handle a bit of foalsitting.”
And, with that, Luna vanished in a pop of magic. A very loud pop of magic. A very, very loud pop of magic. One that rang through the castle, shaking the foundations and rattling furniture.
One that woke the sleeping infant in the basket before them.
“Oh no,” said Twilight softly. Baby Celestia blinked her tiny little eyes, turned her head to and fro, then let out a loud, bloodcurdling, ear-splitting scream. Twilight and Starlight covered their ears to block out the deafening shrieking and sobbing coming from the baby before them. Screaming, they could deal with.
It was when Celestia began haphazardly firing beams of magic that Twilight and Starlight realized the problem they had on their hooves.
Since moving from Canterlot, Twilight has defeated a super-powerful princess, a god of chaos, an army of shapeshifting insects, a shadow king, two demons, a trio of brainwashing fish, a cult, and a time-travelling maniac. She swore that she would gladly take on each of them at the same time with two hooves tied behind her back, rather than deal with the baby Celestia.
Celestia screamed for a solid half-hour, firing explosive lasers the whole time. When she finally calmed down, it wasn’t due to Twilight. It was actually Starlight who managed to silence the baby. All she really did was scoop her up and boop her nose, and Celestia began laughing and kicking playfully. Starlight smiled, then carried the princess on her back.
“I think this might be pretty okay,” said Starlight. “I think she likes me.”
“Babies have goldfish memory. Sure, she may like you now, but give her a few moments,” said Twilight as she cowered behind the sofa. “She’ll forget how much she liked you, then she’ll show her true colors. Put her down, Starlight, before she stabs you in the back!”
“Are you serious?”
“Hey, babies are the closest thing to pure evil that most ponies encounter. No empathy, no conscious, no remorse. If a baby had the power, they would commit unspeakable atrocities just for the fun of it!” Twilight peered at Celestia suspiciously. “And we have a baby with just that power.”
“What about Flurry? You were okay with her?” said Starlight.
“She was just born, she didn’t know anything… Her and Celestia are dangerous weapons of mass destruction, wrapped up in a bow and a diaper!”
“Well, I think she’s kinda cute,” said Starlight. Celestia climbed onto of her head and nibbled on Starlight’s ear. “I mean, I don’t really have much experience with babies. I outlawed them in my village.” Starlight grabbed Celestia with magic and held her in front of her face. “How silly of me! I could never outlaw a little cutie like you!”
Celestia laughed, flailing her hooves wildly. She babbled, and it sounded like she was trying to speak.
“Can you say my name?” asked Starlight. “Can you say ‘Starlight’?”
“Sta-dah!” said Celestia. Starlight giggled.
“Not quite. Try again. Starlight.”
“Shra-lea!”
“Hm… Maybe Glimmer will be easier? Can you say Glimmer?” Celestia turned her head slightly, producing nothing but gibberish for a bit. After a bit of effort…
“Glim-Glam!”
Starlight’s face shrunk slightly, while Twilight emerged, laughing, from behind the sofa. She watched as Starlight stammered and attempted to stop Celestia.
“No, no, no! Glimmer! Glimmer!” Starlight laughed nervously. “Nopony has called me Glim-Glam since Sunburst! It’s embarrassing!”
“Glim-Glam! Glim-Glam! Glim-Glam!” shouted Celestia. Twilight snickered.
“Told you,” said Twilight. “As soon as she saw your weakness, she exploited it. Soon, she’ll learn about your bum knee and my tickle spot behind the ears, and then we’re really in trouble.”
“Are you okay?”
“I don’t like babies. I trust them about as far as I can throw them.” Twilight considered it for a moment. “Hm. I suppose I could probably throw a baby pretty far, actually. Let’s test it on…” Starlight’s magical aura was empty. “Oh goddess above, where is Celestia?!”
“Cakey!”
Twilight yelped, then ran into her kitchen. Celestia sat atop her refrigerator, smearing a large hunk of chocolate cake across her face and chest in a misguided attempt to eat it. Twilight grabbed both the infant and the cake with her magic and dragged them both down from the fridge. As soon as Celestia was within range, she chucked her cake at Twilight’s face.
“Ah!” Twilight stumbled forward blindly, tripped, and fell into her icebox, feeling the weight of a foal dropping onto her chest. “Starlight!”
“Coming, Twilight!” Twilight couldn’t see, so she pushed the weight from her chest and began cleaning the chocolate from her face. “Uh… Celestia?”
“Hi, Glim-Glam!”
When Twilight could see, the situation had changed significantly. The baby Celestia was nowhere to be found. In her place was a filly of about school age, her soft magenta eyes twinkling with joy.
“Hi, Twily!” said filly Celestia. “Are you awight? You looked like you huwt your head!”
“Ugh… I’m fine,” grumbled Twilight. “Celestia? How old are you?”
“I’m six!” The tiny princess grinned widely, showing off her missing front tooth. “I’m gonna be a pwincess!”
“Oh, isn’t she just the cutest thing!” squealed Starlight. Twilight glared at her, trying to convey the fact that the child before them was actually the thousand-plus-year-old goddess-princess of their country. When Starlight began pinching Celestia’s cheek, Twilight decided that it was a lost cause.
“This is bizarre. She grew from a couple of months to six years old in a few seconds,” said Twilight. She noticed that Celestia’s face, and most of her body, was still covered in chocolate. “We can’t just leave her like this. We need to give her a bath.”
“No!” screamed Celestia. “No baff!”
She vanished in a pop of yellow light. Twilight, who was already nearing the point of insanity, was about ready to rip out her mane.
“Where is she?! How could we lose her twice in five minutes?!” Twilight stomped her hooves. “How are we going to explain this to Luna?! We—”
Starlight grabbed her shoulder, shushing her with her other hoof. She pointed to the refrigerator, which was now open just enough to show the tiny little legs that poked out from beneath the door. Starlight giggled slightly, stopping Twilight when she went to retrieve her. She had a much better idea. Starlight lit up her horn, summoning a jar of caramel candies that she bought from Sweetie Drops earlier in the week.
“Mmm, all these delicious caramels,” said Starlight, popping one into her mouth. “If only I had somepony to share them with! Would you like one, Princess Twilight?”
“What?” Twilight shook her head. “Now is not the time for—”
“I said, ‘would you like one, Princess Twilight’,” said Starlight, a bit more forcefully. She elbowed the princess gently and added in a hushed whisper, “Just play along.” Twilight took one of the candies and shoved it in her mouth.
“Mmmm? Yummy caramel candies?” tried Twilight.
“But we still have so many! We’d never be able to eat all of these ourselves!” Celestia poked her head out from behind the fridge. “If only we had somepony to share them with. Oh well. Maybe Princess Luna will have some.” Celestia came out from behind the fridge proper, then quietly tip-hooved in front of Starlight.
“Glim-Glam, can I has a candies pwease?” The little filly grinned widely, and Starlight almost gave her the whole jar. At the last moment, her resolve returned.
“Oh, sorry, Celestia. These candies are only for clean fillies who have had their bath,” said Starlight. Celestia scrunched up her face, trying to decide how to best this grown-up. When she failed to come up with anything, she shook her head sadly.
“Awight. Baff-time,” said Celestia, defeated.
“Perfect! Now, who is gonna wash her?” asked Starlight. She blinked, confused, because the room was entirely empty. Twilight had vanished.
“You, Glim-Glam!” laughed Celestia. Starlight hung her head.
“Yup. Guess so.”
“You know what your problem is? You don’t let me be me!” shouted Celestia. Starlight sat on the couch and tried not to laugh as Twilight faced off against a teenaged Celestia. The transition from child to adolescent took a bit longer than the first transformation, occurring after four hours. Twilight could only pray that the next growth spurt happened sooner.
Celestia stood with her hair in a frazzled mess, a streak of black going through the otherwise constant sea of pink. Her lips were painted black, as were her eyelids and her hooves. Celestia’s lip was pierced with a small, silver ring, and her mascara was intentionally running, to make it seem as though she had recently been crying.
“What does that even mean?!” yelled Twilight. “How can I not let you be you? You’re you! I’m not trying to make you into anything!”
“Then why won’t you let me go out with my friends?!”
“Because your ‘friends’ are Discord and Chrysalis, and you guys are trying to graffiti tag the moon!” Twilight stomped her hoof firmly.
“They understand who I am!” said Celestia. “They get me!”
“I get you just fine, Celestia. You’re a teenager, I was one of those not too long ago!” Twilight couldn’t believe this was happening to her. What had she done to deserve a daughter like this? She didn’t realize that Celestia was not actually her daughter until after she said it, and then it was too late.
“No, you don’t! An old hag like you couldn’t possibly get the stress I’m experiencing!” argued Celestia. “I’m trying to discover myself, find out who I am! You’d never understand what that’s like!”
There were a few things Twilight could argue about. She could’ve mentioned that she understood the stress just fine. She could’ve talked about how her journey to self-discovery included her changing species. She could’ve said that she knew what Celestia would grow into, so, in a way, she knew it better than Celestia did.
“Old hag?! I’m not old! I’m 22!” Starlight shot Twilight a disapproving glance. “In any case, my age doesn’t matter. I don’t care what struggle you think you’re undergoing, I won’t let you deface any celestial bodies. I forbid it.”
“You can’t stop me!” whined Celestia.
“You live in my house, you follow my rules!” shouted Twilight.
“Goddess, you’re such a controlling bitch!”
Twilight gasped, pain stinging her heart. Starlight finally stood up, deciding that the situation was no longer funny.
“Hey, don’t talk to Twilight like that,” said Starlight. “How dare you disrespect her! After all she’s done for you?”
“No! I’m sick of apologizing for speaking my mind!” shouted Celestia. “You two won’t let me express myself in your house, so maybe I should just run away!” She lit up her horn and vanished in a loud, violent pop of light. Twilight slumped down onto the floor, letting out a long whine.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Twilight,” said Starlight, patting the princess’ shoulder gently. “She’ll come around eventually. It’s just a phase.”
“I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” whispered Twilight. “I swear, I might just go absolutely, positively insane if I have to deal with a growing Celestia for any longer.”
There was another pop of light, and Celestia was back.
“Oh goddess, not again!”
“It’s okay, Twilight. This is a different Celestia,” said Starlight. She was right. The makeup, piercing, dyejob and hoofpaint, all of it was gone. At the moment, Celestia seemed much more mature. Her hair was still pink, but it was groomed neatly and waved slightly as if there were a faint breeze.
“Hey, Twilight! Sorry about earlier, I was having a moment,” said young adult Celestia. “Oh goddess, it feels good to be this young again! Everything works, my knees don’t pop, and my mane doesn’t do that stupid space crap yet! This is awesome!”
“Princess Celestia? Are you back to normal?” asked Starlight. Celestia shrugged.
“Normal is such an undefinable characteristic that applies to very few ponies in the world,” said Celestia. “I’m 22, so there’s that. I think I’m as normal as I can get, considering the circumstances.”
“Excellent! That means you can take care of yourself!” said Twilight. “I really need to unwind, and I never actually ate lunch. Or breakfast, now that I think on it.”
“Hold on, Twilight. I won’t be this young for too long, and there’s something I want to do first,” said Celestia. Twilight, already halfway to the kitchen to make herself a sandwich, paused in mid-stride. “We’ll never be the same age again. I’ve always wanted to duel you, Twilight, and now we’re on even grounds.”
Twilight wasn’t hungry anymore. Now, she just wanted to throw up.
“Uh… Don’t you think that’s kind of unfair?” asked Twilight. Starlight nodded her agreement.
“You are God,” noted Starlight.
“Oh, hush, Glim-Glam,” said Celestia, giggling at Starlight’s blush. “Like I said, I’m younger now, so I’m not as powerful. Now is a perfect opportunity!”
“Still…”
“Oh, and I wasn’t actually asking. Our duel begins on the count of 3.”
“What?!”
“3! 2! 1! Go!”
Celestia fired a beam of sunny yellow magic from her horn, impacting the wall just to the right of Twilight’s head. Twilight yelped, scrambling out of the way of a second and third blast. Finally, Twilight fired back, her spell deflected by Celestia’s horn. Starlight watched in equal parts awe and concern, trying to decide who would win.
“Celestia! Stop!” yelled Twilight.
“There is no surrender in my kingdom!” laughed Celestia maniacally. “Only victory!” Celestia’s next spell grazed Twilight’s shoulder, burning her coat slightly. Twilight let out a mighty roar, then fired a massive jet of purple light from her horn. Celestia grinned, then fired the strongest possible magic she could muster.
The two spells connected in air, filling the room with an unnatural heat. They paused for a moment, then burst into several, smaller jets of multicolored magical light that ricocheted through the room. They bounced and pinged like pinballs, two of them heading for Starlight’s face. In a panic, she put up a shield of magic to deflect the spells. They pinged off of Starlight’s cyan barrier, then zipped through the air, connected with the chests of Twilight and Celestia. They turned to face Starlight, one with a look of terror and the other with one of intense amusement.
They burst into white flames, leaving behind baby versions of Celestia and Twilight. Starlight groaned.
“I really need to start using that absorption shield instead of the deflector,” Starlight said to nopony. “Okay. This is fine. I can handle this.”
The babies began crying, shrieking sobs that felt like razors through Starlight’s ears.
“Okay… I can still handle this,” she said confidently.
Then the lasers started.
Glim-Glam wasn’t sure if she could handle it anymore.
