Colgate's Rants 3

by StormLuna

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Random
Length: 9871

Colgate has had to deal with many annoying patients, both nice ponies and villains. After killing Tirek and becoming a princess, she continues to operate her practice and of course, problem ponies continue to come in and her rants continue.

Colgate has had to deal with many annoying patients, both nice ponies and villains. After killing Tirek and becoming a princess, she continues to operate her practice and of course, problem ponies continue to come in and her rants continue.

Published 2016-07-07 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-17 23:05:07 UTC

Cheerilee

As you all know I have been bitching and complaining about problematic ponies for a while now and after killing Tirek and becoming a princess, I decided to continue to operate my practice. After all, being royalty is no excuse to be a lazy bum, like certain princesses who only contribute to society by keeping me happy if you know what I mean. Now I shall share with you my latest list of ponies that flat out piss me off.

Cheerilee

This patient that I'm about to go into detail with you seems sweet and nice on the surface, but deep down she annoys the hell out of me with her damn cheerful attitude, the local school teacher, Cheerilee.

Well she waltzes into my office one day with her usual cheerful attitude and immediately I started getting in a bad mood. I mean seriously, I have never once seen her in a bad mood and I do bump into her every now and then. Well naturally I point my hoof up to a sign that reads, "Payment is expected at time of service unless other arrangements are made in advance."

She simply pulled her insurance card out of her saddle bags and showed it to me. Well I decided that I would run it through after her appointment because I didn't know exactly everything that would need to be done. I take her back and I am thinking, "What the buck?" She had seven cavities and two rotted teeth. I will admit, I was pissed that anypony would allow their teeth to get bad but I figured that it would just be more revenue for me. After cleaning her teeth I scheduled her to take care of these problems two weeks later.

Well two weeks pass and she comes in, not cheerful but nervous. Well she better be nervous given everything she has to have done. Well I sedate her, I numb her mouth, fill her teeth and then replace those two rotten ones with false ones. In the end her bill came up to 1,250 bits.

I let her wake up a bit before I take her to get checked out. She hands me her insurance card and I run it through. Guess what, it declined payment stating that I was out of that company's network. She went ballistic and demanded that I contact them and since I am a princess, order that they cover it.

Well I call them and what I would discover would enrage me. I discovered that this EduCare card of her's is issued by a parent company that I no longer accept. It was issued by TiaCare! Yep, fucking TiaCare. When I got off the phone with those mother-fuckers I stormed to her and smacked her ass so hard she started crying like a newborn foal. Hey, I had to punish her for giving me a TiaCare card in disguise!

Naturally she had no way to compensate me so I decided that she, like a few other patients of mine, would have to keep me happy. Yes she protested at first but then I showed her the customer/doctor agreement and she did not like the terms of it. She had to do whatever I wanted so not only did I seize her house and then sell it, I moved her in with me and now she is another slave in my harem.

In the end I made a bundle off of her and got a very hot sex toy in the process so I suppose I shouldn't complain. Let this serve as a warning to everypony, ALWAYS read the customer/doctor agreement before signing the waiver to have any work done on you....that along with never come to me with anything even remotely associated with TiaCare!

Princess Cadence

My next patient is one that always confuses me. I normally don't know if it is actually her or if it is Chrysalis in disguise. This time I knew it was Cadence since Chrysalis got 100 years for robbing all those banks to pay off her debt to me. Like I have been doing with most of my patients I pointed my hoof at the sign regarding payment and she told me that she had the means to pay me.

Alright, so I took her back and I almost wonder if she didn't have a bit of Sombra in her. She had a couple broken teeth and when I asked her how it happened, she told me of some old tradition of the Crystal Empire royalty trying to eat crystals. I smacked her and yelled, "Are you fucking nuts? You're not Sombra! You can't eat crystals!"

Naturally my unpleasant demeanor made the little love princess cry. Now came the big problem, she didn't bother to bring in the pieces of her broken teeth. Yes this was problematic and what I did was completely against everything I stand for but I used my magic to repair her teeth, AT A VERY HIGH COST. Despite me telling her that it would be 3,000 bits PER TOOTH, she agreed. I figured with her being a princess that she'd be able to pay it with no problems.

After I fixed her chompers and led her to the checkout, she pulls out this CrystalCare card, which I found highly suspicious. Before I tried to run it through I looked at the customer service phone number on the back. Guess what? It was the same number as it is for TiaCare! Obviously I was angry but I wasn't about to go punishing her the way I would others so I called Shining Armor and told him of this problem. He promised that he would be there the following day but that didn't mean Cadence would escape my desires. So for one night my harem and I had a lovely pink overnight snack. I told the girls to enjoy it because it was something they wouldn't get very often.

The next day Shining Armor shows up with 6,000 bits and unfortunately, that demon child of theirs. When he brought her in with him she began to fly all over the place and fired energy. Once Cadence got her subdued I surveyed the damage and estimated that Flurry Heart had done roughly 5,000 bits worth of damage. Now I was thoroughly pissed. Yes I could use my magic to fix the damages but it is the principle of the matter. Shining Armor begged and pleaded for me to simply forgive the debt. Well I didn't charge him for it but I brought out the customer/doctor agreement and since it was HER child that did the damage, it was her responsibility. Since none of them had the money to pay for the damage, I sent Shining and Flurry on their way and "borrowed" Cadence for a few more days!

Just because she's a princess doesn't make her immune to the penalties involved in violating the terms of my contract, just look at Twilight! Once I decided that Cadence's debt had been paid I sent her on her way. I did set up stipulations for future visits though, she must pay me in full PLUS an additional 50% deposit which would be returned if no accidents happen. Want to know the funny thing? I'm going to intentionally cause a little damage during her visits so she'll never get that deposit back!

Flitter and Cloudchaser

Next up are two relatively new patients, ones that are very close, Flitter and Cloudchaser. I've had patients come in in pairs and trios before but never ones that are as close as these two are. From what I understand they are sisters but the way they were behaving that day, I beg to differ. I have never known of sisters to be playfully swatting one another's flanks.

They both had an appointment that day and after telling me they had the means to pay, I decided to take Flitter back first. I examined her teeth and found nothing out of the ordinary. What did bother me though is that she was a little chickenshit when it came to me cleaning her teeth. She began biting down on my equipment and fidgeting in the chair. She began to cry and yelled for her sister to come back.

Without my permission Cloudchaser flew back and grabbed a hold of Flitter's hoof. While she was flying back there she knocked a picture off of the wall which did not please me one bit but I'll still bill Flitter a few extra bits just for shits and giggles.

After finally getting her taken care of Cloudchaser crawled into the chair so I could take care of her. While Flitter's teeth were in pretty good shape, the same could not be said for Cloudchaser. She had several cavities and since it was the end of the day and I had special plans in the event they couldn't pay, I decided to stay late and fill her cavities.

When I was done it was getting late, very late. By that time I was in a very bad mood and regretted doing what I did. I just hoped the hell that they did indeed have their payments ready. Guess what, unlike other patients recently they had cash on them! Thank Luna, I was in no mood for intimacy that night. I began to count the money they gave me. Guess what? They didn't bring enough!

Oh boy, I was pissed. I stayed there past 2100 just so I wouldn't have to deal with Cloudchaser later and they don't bring enough money. My stomach began to growl so I decided that I would clear their debt in a different way. I dragged the two into my basement where I would be compensated. As everypony knows, they are twins. They wouldn't be after I got done with them.

Cloudchaser is the more athletic of the two and you all know how I feel about athlete pegasi. I took my chainsaw and cut one of her wings off. It was horribly painful for her but I figured that after I get compensation from Flitter and send them on their way, I'll have a wing to eat. Now Flitter didn't owe me as much in the end so I just bit one of her ears off and had that as an appetizer.

After I was done with them they were claiming that they would run to Celestia until I told them that what I did was legal. They just sighed in defeat as they headed to the hospital. I couldn't help but snicker as they headed to the hospital realizing that they would owe even more money! I just hoped they had the same type of customer/business agreement that I do so that they would definitely know to always carry enough bits on them.

To end this, I will admit that pegasus wings are quite tasty. So remember everypony, if a pegasus owes you money and you have an agreement like I do and they can't pay, just take a wing!

Mayor Mare

My next patient seems nice enough and on the surface she looks like a trustworthy mare but don't let her looks or demeanor in public deceive you. She seems to have an entitlement complex and I will tell you why.

When she came in she was whining about her upper jaw hurting. When she did this I couldn't help but wonder if maybe this wasn't something beyond a dental problem so I took X-rays of her jaw. Luckily for me it was related to an infected tooth, more revenue for me, yay! The bad news, she came in simply expecting me to fix it for free because she is the mayor. Now like always this pissed me off because you know how I feel about patients who try to get out of paying their bills!

I smacked her a few times and told her to rush home and either bring me some cash or get her insurance card. She rushes home and a few minutes later she brings me her insurance card. I had never seen this one before, hell I had never even heard of The Equestrian Municipality Insurance Company.

While I was not completely sure of it, part of me thought it might be tied to TiaCare so I smacked her a few more times, knocking a couple teeth out. She's well off enough that I can get monetary compensation out of her if I wish. Given that she had to pay for me for getting those teeth put back in, taking care of the infected tooth, the pain killers and the antibiotic I gave her, her final bill totaled 1,000 bits.

Now came the best part, taking her up front to collect my payment. I ran her card through and holy shit, it covered 95% of her bill! Even LunaCare doesn't pay 95% BUT there was one little problem for her, she still owed me fifty bits. Like I said she didn't have any bits on her and trust me, I would never make her compensate me like I do some of my other patients. What I did was much more satisfying.

I turned her over to collections, reported negative reports to every single consumer credit reporting agency in Equestria and wrote a letter to the editor of The Ponyville Express and The Foal Free Press letting them know of the mayor's debt and her refusal to pay me. Luckily both printed it and now the town views her as a bum who tries to get away from her bills. What is even funnier is that it is an election year and ever since the town learned of her trying to get out of paying bills, her polling numbers have plunged. Chances are she will get crushed in the election this fall, courtesy of yours truly.

Let this be a warning to anypony running for office and tries to get out of paying your complete balance, I can and will not only sink any campaign you have going on, I will destroy your political career. Long story short, pay me what you owe me and everything will be fine.

And as far as anypony else who tries to get out of paying up, I'll destroy your credit rating too. One time I actually ruined the chances of a pony being able to buy a house by sinking that non-paying bum's credit rating. The bank figured that if he can't even afford to pay his balance to me off, then he certainly wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage payment! Damn it feels good when I ruin the lives of non-paying bums!

Bon Bon

Dealing with my next patient is very infuriating, Bon Bon. I'm not quite sure exactly what she does for a living but I do know her special talent involves making sugary treats so that right there is a strike against her. Want to know what the second strike against her is? You'll soon find out but I'll give you a clue, let's just say that if she were to ever piss me off big time she would wind up being hauled out of here by the coroner.

Well one day she comes strutting into my office acting like she's all that and a bag of chips and just like always, she isn't overly pleasant towards me. One thing that always pisses her off is when I point my hoof at the sign regarding payment. She simply waved a card around and told me she had a way to pay.

Well I take her back and for starters, getting her to sit still in a dentist's chair is next to impossible. I'm thinking it is likely because of the cavity causing crap she makes because the Cakes are the same way although I shouldn't compare them because at least the Cakes are nice. I examine her and HOLY SHIT, her teeth are worse than Cheerilee's! She somehow managed to have a cavity in EVERY SINGLE TOOTH! Naturally this really pissed me off. It isn't just a matter of what her problem is, it is also a matter of who it is. I didn't want to have to see her anymore than need be so I scheduled her for a Saturday and decided to take care of everything at once.

The following Saturday comes and when she arrives is in quite a foul mood. Well she ain't the only one. I'm pissed too, I'm pissed that she would let her teeth get so bad I would have to do this. Oh well, the amount she is about to be billed is going to be epic! Over twenty fillings, the inconvenience fee, the weekend fee and just for shits and giggles, I'm going to bill her for my lunch break as well.

Once I get her seated and start working on those cavities, she started biting down on my equipment and of course that pissed me off so I had only one choice, I sedated her entirely and was able to get those cavities filled with no problems. Woo-hoo, this will add another 150 bits to her already astronomically high bill!

Once everything was done and she came to, I took her up front for the favorite part of every appointment. Unfortunately for me, when she gave me her insurance card, payment was declined. I checked the card out and it was issued by the government but unlike other cards associated with TiaCare, this one had no customer service number so it must be with some other, more secretive branch of the government. After I grilled her for a while I learned that she works for some secret anti-monster agency in Canterlot. No wonder it was such an odd type of card. In the end though, I did discover it is a shadowy subsidiary of TiaCare and you know how I feel about ponies who try to give me TiaCare cards!

In the end her bill came to over 5,000 bits. Yeah I overcharged the bitch for the fillings and I overcharged her on everything else. Now there is one major problem with her though. She didn't have enough money on her or in the bank to pay me. Now I could have seized her house, sold it and not gave a rat's ass as to where she would live BUT I sure the hell don't want to have to deal with her.

Now here is where that comes to play. Some of you probably know that Lyra is my little sister and lives with me. This is why I did not seize her property. I did not want Bon Bon living with me. I know Lyra would have begged me to take her in and that was not happening. I hate Bon Bon enough as it is and the fact that she is dating my sister is downright revolting. Now I could have had Bon Bon wiped out with no problems but killing my sister's marefriend would not have done much for my image as a princess or my image as a sister. If I weren't royalty, I would have just killed her and fed her to the timberwolves. Maybe becoming a princess was a bad idea, now other ponies' opinions across the land actually matter.

The only other option was to convince Lyra that Bon Bon was cheating on her and then I could seize her property without having to worry about taking her in. I tried that but sadly Lyra never bought it. Ugh, why must Lyra be so trusting and naive? Ok, enough bitching about my baby sister being too trusting and naive. I'm quite sure by now you know what the second strike on Bon Bon is. I swear, if she ever hurts Lyra's feelings I will simply claim she tried to overthrow me and kill her on the grounds of treason. If I do that I won't have to worry about Tia or Luna stripping me of my title.

After this I vowed that I would never see that bitch again. It would be better for both her and me if she traveled several hundred miles to see the next nearest dentist. It would be cheaper for her in the future and it would be less stressful for me. Let's just hope that in the future I don't have any other patients that piss me off as much as Bon Bon. Hell I'd rather deal with King Sombra and his crystal broken teeth again than have to deal with her.

Prince Rutheford

The Annoying Prince

As you all know I have had some rather interesting patients, truly evil ones, incredibly obnoxious ones, incredibly hot ones and ones that are flat out idiots. The next one however takes the cake when it comes to being obnoxious and idiocy. During a second trip to Ponyville, Prince Rutheford of Yakyakistan came to pay me a visit. Unfortunately, he brought his buddies with him so this was going to be a rocky appointment.

When he arrived I asked him what was wrong and he was pointing to his teeth telling me that one of them hurt. Given his nature I normally would have just taken him back but since he doesn't have any magic, I handed him new patient paperwork and he immediately went into a rage, "Yaks hate paperwork, yaks destroy!"

My very first thought was, "Oh fuck, isn't this just dandy." Well I subdued him and his buddies with my magic before they caused too much damage and took him back. I figured that since this would likely be his only visit, I would let him forego the paper work and just took him back. As I led him back I could see him looking around and chances were he was probably plotting on how he would tear this place up.

Well I got him seated and he immediately said, "This better be perfect. If things not perfect, yaks get mad."

I just rolled my eyes and began to examine him. I found the cause of his toothache, he had a very deep cavity in one of his teeth. When I told him about it he yelled, "Tooth not perfect! Yaks destroy!"

Well he got out of my chair and began to stomp on the floor and knock things over. Luckily I was able to use a stun spell on him before he caused much damage. While he was stunned I sedated him because I knew that trying to work on him otherwise would not work. Hell I gave him enough sedative that I thought he died on me for a minute. What kind of worried me though was that he did stir a bit while I was numbing his mouth.

I was able to get the tooth filled but it wouldn't be long until he came to. Like I do with all patients who have cavities filled, I told him to avoid cold foods. Being from Yakyakistan I knew that would likely be difficult for him and of course he went into a rage, "Appointment not perfect! Yaks destroy!" Of course he began stomping and jumping around and what he would do would really piss me off. He destroyed the chair he was sitting in and he destroyed a lot of my equipment. Now that is what I consider not just destruction of my property, but a crime against Equestria. One does not just go in and destroy a princess's property.

Next up came the part of every appointment I love most, collecting my payment. Well as it turns out he did have some money on him, but it was Yakyakistan bits, which have a very low value against the Equestrian bit. Their currency it is so weak that one Equestrian bit will get you 772 Yak bits. Obviously he didn't have anywhere near the amount of money needed to cover this. When I told him that he would have to come up with a proper payment he got mad! He yelled, "Yaks get free dental at home! You no give yaks free dental! Yaks destroy!"

All three of them began stomping and crashing into the walls of my practice. Unfortunately I was not able to stun them before they did considerable damage to my building. I decided that something had to be done so I pumped them as full of sedatives as I could without killing them and hauled them over to Twilight's castle. Given that they were her guests, I demanded compensation for her. She told me to head to her sleeping chambers so I could "punish" her but that wouldn't work this time. They caused a ton of damage to my practice so only monetary compensation would do.

Twilight refused and the yaks had no way to pay so I made other plans. I decided I would punish that entire hellhole they come from. So once they woke up I told Rutheford that since he is a foreign dignitary that I would allow him and his friends to leave without paying. While Twilight was shocked that I would so easily forgive the debt given what happened, she had no clue what was really running through my mind.

"Collecting Their Debt"

Four days pass and my office remained closed. I was losing money and I was rather upset yet at the same time I couldn't help but smile. I planned on making an unannounced visit to Yakyakistan to collect what they owe me. Would I meet them and ask for it diplomatically? Not just no but hell no! Here is how it played out.

It was morning when I hopped on the train for the Crystal Empire on my quest. When I arrived there I had to put up with a few ponies but I didn't feel like wasting time and mingling. I wanted to fly out of there and reach Yakyakistan before it got dark so I took flight towards the north. As soon as I left the protective dome of the empire I was greeted by a blizzard, no big surprise there. It seemed to take a while but it was still light when I saw Yakyakistan in the distance.

I decided that since there was a blizzard going on, I would fly over the city to see if anypony....oh wait, I mean anyyak was out. When I flew over I squinted my eyes and I could see that the streets were deserted. While I had never been there before, it was quite easy to make out the buildings I was looking for. Their palace is far larger than the other buildings and there was a building made out of stone that resembled Canterlot Tower so I figured that must be their treasury.

First I headed to the tower and discovered that they must be very trusting of their citizens, the door was unlocked. Then again, given the intelligence of their leader, it might just be his idiocy that is causing it to be open for all. When I got in it was pitch dark so I lit up my horn and you'd think with as much money as they had in there, that they would have their palace built out of something other than wood. Off to my right I saw a golden yak with emerald eyes. This thing was probably about the size of a filly. I wasn't sure where they got it but I decided that this would make up for their debt. It was solid gold and holy shit was it heavy. Given the weight of it, it was probably worth a ton of money. Hell I could melt it down into gold bullion and be far richer than Twilight and Cadence combined. So I grabbed the golden yak and headed out.

Before I left though I decided that I needed to do one more thing. I flew high up, right above the palace and began to fire powerful bolts of lightning downwards. Hey, they destroyed my practice, I'll destroy their palace! The bolts were accompanied with the loudest thunder those yaks had likely ever heard. Once I figured I had done enough damage I heard Rutheford and his buddies come out and yell, "This not yak lightning! Yaks destroy!" Get this, they started stomping on the rubble of their palace. Good grief they're stupid!

As I sped southward something crossed my mind. How the hell am I going to get this filly sized statue onto the train? Ponies will know something is up. Despite that thing being heavy as hell and it being a horribly long trip back to Ponyville. I just flew straight through. When I got home I was exhausted and my back hurt like hell from carrying that thing but it was worth it. I feel as though I received proper compensation for what they owed me.

The Funny Aftermath

Now for one funny thing, I simply used my magic to fix my practice! I only let things stay damaged for the time I would need to go and make those idiots pay. Regarding the yak statue, as much as I would like to display it on the mantle in my living room, I decided I better not. Lyra would see it and then probably go telling everypony about this cool gold yak I have. Instead I stored it in a safe in my closet. Yeah I can't admire it but hey, it's better than having the other princesses mad at me.

Now on to the funniest thing, a couple weeks later I read in the paper that an old relic that Equestria gave to the yaks long before Luna was banished was stolen at the same time a horrible lightning storm leveled the royal palace. I couldn't help but laugh, "Hmmm....I wonder! What could have possibly caused all that to happen?"

I don't know if what I heard was true or not but the yaks decided to blame the griffons and declared war on them. Well the yaks marched on Griffonstone to get their relic back and leveled it. Unfortunately they didn't get their relic, "I wonder why!" Everything that happened brought me a great amount of joy. I got a relic, leveled a non-paying bum's palace and caused a war between two species I don't particularly care for. I may not be the most well known or most popular princess, but it is obvious that I am the one that can really fuck up relations between other nations!

Prince Blueblood

After the whole fiasco with Prince Rutheford I decided that I probably won't see foreign royalty anymore but domestic royalty I would have no problems with. While the other princesses and Shining Armor aren't bad, there is one prince that came in that would prove to me how truly pathetic some ponies are, Prince Blueblood.

The very moment he stepped in he started gagging about this being a "commoners' dental practice." Even though I am royalty, he cringed at the very thought of me working on him. I'm not the only "commoner princess" though, Twilight is no different. How he handles her being in the same time zone as him I'm not sure. I do think he has warmed up to her being royalty more than he has me primarily because I'm not lazy like she is.

Of course before taking him back I tapped on the sign regarding payment and he held an insurance card up in the air claiming he had a way to pay. I took a look at the card and smacked him. He had a fucking TiaCare card. I not so politely let him know that I do not accept that shitty insurance and demanded a REAL form of payment. Well he had none so I told him to go home, grab some bits and then I would see him.

He didn't like it but he did as requested. He showed up two days later not with bits, but with a different insurance card. Apparently he is covered under LunaCare too so when I saw this, I took him back. You know, I would think that a pony who is as vain as he is and has to look 100% perfect at all times would take great care of his teeth and likely not eat anything that would cause tooth decay. Boy was I wrong! He had three cavities and advanced gingivitis.

When I readied the syringe to numb his mouth he shied back and whined about me going to hurt him. You know what? I figured that if he is going to be this way, I'll fill those cavities without numbing his mouth. Well I started work on him and as soon as I started, he began howling in pain. What really pissed me off it that be nearly bit my hoof! Had that happened, I would have had to get rabies shots.

Reluctantly he let me numb his mouth and I began work on him. He was crying and whining about how much I was hurting him. Give me a break, most patients who get their mouths numbed hardly feel a thing. Hell even Rarity didn't whine as much as he did and you know what a pain in the ass she has always been for me.

Once I finished on him I led him up front and he handed me his LunaCare card. I was thinking that this was going to be a normal, stress free payment time but come to find out the card was declined. You want to know why? It had been reported stolen and was deactivated. This not only pissed me off but it infuriated me that he would have the audacity to steal somepony's insurance card. Normally I would have just let Luna sort this out but hey, he owed me money and despite him being a prince, he was still bound by the same customer/doctor agreement every patient is under.

Once the card was declined he started screaming that there was no way that it could have been declined. I decided to stun him just to shut him up while I figured out how I would collect what is owed me. While he was laying there stunned I did some research and there is a market for unicorn horns, especially large ones like his. While he was somewhat out of it I fired up my saw and cut his horn off at the base. Yes he cried and whined worse than a school colt who discovered his first crush is a lesbian but I didn't care, I could sell that horn and get my money.

Now this you will find hilarious. Most ponies would think that Celestia would do Faust knows what to me for taking her nephew's horn but she knew it was part of the agreement, which she deemed legit ages ago, so she didn't do a thing. Yeah I will have to sell this thing on the black market to some rather unsavory ponies but hey, I want my money!

In the end I did find a buyer for Blueblood's horn but I had to travel out to some Faust-forsaken corner of Equestria to meet up with some archaeologist and his shady buddies. The pony's name sounds very familiar, Dr. Caballeron. I wasn't sure if he could be completely trusted but I don't think he sought to lead to my downfall so I sold it to him. What happened after that though I'm not sure but I did get 5,000 bits for it so I'm happy.

Dr. Caballeron

My next patient is a very strange case as I had done business with him before, I had sold an item of very high value to him, Dr. Caballeron. Naturally when he came in he was very friendly. He was talking about how he made a killing selling that horn he bought from me to some guy named Ahuizotl. Wow, I never once imagined that he was real! My ears immediately perked up as I figured that he would likely have more than enough to pay whatever he would wind up owing me. After I had him fill out the new patient paperwork I took him back.

Unlike other new patients, he didn't seem to be a bit nervous. I was thinking to myself, "This is going to be a nice, quick and easy appointment." Once I began to examine him though, I knew that it would wind up being a rather long and difficult one. He wound up having three cavities but the strangest thing was that he also had four gold teeth. I shook my head at him and asked why he had so many gold teeth.

As it turns out, he has not taken all that good care of his teeth throughout his life. He went on and on about how he is on the road most of the time collecting artifacts and that he simply didn't have time to brush nor did he have the room to carry toothpaste on him. Naturally this pissed me off and I smacked him. I don't give a shit what kind of schedule you have or what line of work you are in, one should NEVER neglect taking care of their teeth.

It was at the end of the day and he wanted these cavities filled ASAP so I just decided to do it right then and there. Chances are he won't like it when I bill him for the after hours treatment and given that he claimed Ahuizotl gave him a ton of money for that horn, I figured I'll overcharge him. Hey, there might be some honest pony who takes care of their teeth that needs help paying for his or her cleaning.

He tried to chit chat some more during the appointment so I had to let him know that the more he tried to talk, the longer this would take and the higher his bill is. I don't want to stay at work too late because I did have a lot of fun planned with Sonata later. He was a bit frustrated because it seemed as though there was something he really wanted to tell me but that could wait until after the appointment.

It took a bit longer than I had hoped but eventually it was done and it was time for my favorite part of every appointment, collecting what is owed me. I led him up front and guess what? He didn't have a single bit on him! After what he told me I naturally went into a rage so I slugged him so hard I knocked him out cold. I took him back to the chair and sedated him. I figured that since he didn't have any money on him that there had to be some other way for him to compensate me.

I pried his mouth open and saw those four sparkling gold teeth. I decided that I would just take those as payment. While he was out I carefully removed those things so that I would not wake him. When he came to I had him back out in the reception area. He could tell something was wrong at first then it hit him, some of his teeth were missing. He went into a rage demanding to know what happened to his teeth. I smacked him and pointed to my sign regarding payment being required at the time of service.

He started throwing a fit about how the dentists where he came from didn't require such things and I let him know that I'm not like them and that I did have bills to pay. He threatened that he and his buddies would come and destroy this place. I pointed to my horn and wings and let him know that I was an Alicorn princess and that I could easily take them out so he decided to accept the fact that he wouldn't get his teeth back and went on his way.

Regarding those teeth, I knew it was against the law to try to melt down used teeth and sell the gold and it was illegal to simply put them in other patients' mouths. There was only one thing I could do to be properly compensated, sell them on the black market. I did that and guess what? I wound up getting twice the amount for them than what Caballeron owed me. Just like always, it turned out quite well for me. I am going to admit something to you, transactions like this are a whole lot more fun than your regular forms of payment. It is quite exciting either cutting wings off or doing business on the black market.

A.K. Yearling AKA Daring Do

I must admit, I am a fan of my next patient. Do I obsess over her works or go stalking her like one of my least favorite patients? No but I do have all of her books and read them regularly. If you guessed that A.K. Yearling is my next patient, you got it right.

Well she comes in wearing a purple cloak, a hat and red framed glasses. She dresses that way to keep fan fillies like Rainbow Dash from bothering her but thanks to Twilight and her big mouth, she told me what she looks like. Now I can't let Ms. Yearling know that I know she is Daring Do. I'll admit though, I wanted her autograph but I'll ask her later, as in when I have one of my Daring Do books with me and it is time for her to pay me.

She came in as calm as could be and I figured that it would be a rather simple appointment. I figured she would come in, have healthy teeth, pay me and be on her way. Unfortunately I was wrong. When I took her back she began talking about a huge white unicorn horn that she tried to secure but failed, causing some remote corner to be plunged into 800 years of dark unrelenting, bone chilling cold. This caused my ears to perk up and I asked her how a unicorn horn could do that.

She began to rant about some guy named Caballeron buying a unicorn horn from a dishonest dentist on the black market and then him selling it to Ahuizotl for an immense sum of money. I simply nodded but let her know that she could talk to me more later but that I did have other customers later in the day so she let me begin to examine her teeth.

Well she didn't have any gold teeth which disappointed me. I was really hoping that she did and if she couldn't pay I could simply take more teeth. Oh well, I guess you can't win them all. One good thing though, she had spectacular teeth and she seemed rather happy when she heard this.

After I cleaned her teeth I took her up front for my favorite part of the appointment. Get this, she had absolutely no money whatsoever on her nor did she have an insurance card. She is a world renowned author for Faust's sake! How could she not have any money or any insurance. I'm going to admit, this really pissed me off that a pony with as much wealth as she should have had no way to pay me. Yes I'm a fan of hers but that doesn't give her the right to cheat me.

So what did I do? I smacked her and knocked a couple of her teeth out. This sent her into a rage and she began yelling that in the end she would expose me for abusing patients. I picked up her teeth and laughed, "You know, I wonder how much Caballeron will pay me for these!"

Her jaw dropped open. It was at that moment that she knew that I was the dentist that deals on the black market and sold that horn to Caballeron. Suddenly she started ranting how she would expose me and put it in her next book. After her revealing that I decided to expose her. I used my magic to rip her clothes off of her to reveal the true her. I laughed, "I knew it was you Daring. One time when I was screwing Twily she told me all about it!"

I don't think she was paying attention when I was talking about Twily all that much because all she did was shout about Twily not being able to keep a secret. As she continued to rant on and on about how she would eventually get that horn back and tell Caballeron that I stole it, the wheels began to turn in my head. I thought, "Wait a minute, am I going to be in her newest book? If I am, that would really boost business for me!"

After her rant she finally decided to calm down. Since she calmed down I decided I would get her teeth put back in before it was too late but it would come at a cost. It wouldn't be anything monetary but it would be something very special.

She looked me square in the eye and asked me what it would take for her to clear her balance. I decided that I would simply make her send me signed first editions of all her books and that in the future that she would send me a signed first edition on all the books she writes two weeks before they are released for sale. At first she was skeptical but then I showed her the customer/doctor agreement she agreed. I sent her on her way figuring she would fulfill her end of the agreement. If not, I'll just work more closely with Caballeron and Ahuizotl and if they need body parts to make life hell in certain areas, I would gladly sell them what they need.

A week later I got a huge package in the mail. It was signed first editions of the whole Daring Do series! Now I have what Rainbow doesn't have, signed first editions of the whole set. Next time she comes in I should hog tie her, drag her over to my house and show her my wonderful collection. Oh she's going to be so jealous!

Three months later I got her newest book in the mail, "Daring Do and the Quest for the Royal Horn." Wow, I had it a week before Rainbow Dash did and guess what? Her appointment with me was in it! I'm in a Daring Do book, woo-hoo! She must have been looking on my wall at my diploma because I was referred to as "Dr. Minuette" in the book. Normally I would be enraged that anypony would call me that but I figured she must have been looking out for me. Had she used Colgate I would likely be flooded with phone calls and letters asking if I was actually the corrupt dentist in the new book.

Believe it or not but I did send her a thank you card for not using the name everypony knows me by and I did let her know that I got all the books, including the new one. Just to make sure she will be a return patient, I promised her that I wouldn't go knocking her teeth out anymore. Luckily for me, she showed up six months after her first appointment and luckily for her, her teeth were perfect.

P.S. Rainbow Dash went into a furious rage when she found out I had a whole set of signed first editions and got even madder when I got the new book a week before she did!

Ahuizotl

I've had many, many kinds of patients in my days. I've had sexy ones, irritating ones, good ones who pay their bills, shady ones, whiny ones and of course I've taken care of villains. This next one though would be a never before seen type of one. This next one I would have to travel to some remote corner of Equestria to see.

Here is how it played out. Well one of my patients, Dr. Caballeron came in much sooner than six months after his last appointment. At first I was thinking that he probably had a cavity or something but instead he was there to delver me a message. You're not going to believe this but it was from Ahuizotl himself! Apparently Caballeron had recommended me to him and now he wants me to see him.

While I am flattered that he wants me to see him, that does not mean that he will get any special treatment. He will still have to pay for the appointment, he will still have to pay the overtime fee, the inconvenience fee, the weekend appointment fee and he will have to pay the costs for my trip. Well Caballeron handed me a map giving the location of the temple he was at. Want to know the bad thing? The nearest train depot was several hundred miles away from this place so I had no clue as to how I was going to get there, I did have to take my equipment with me after all.

Eventually I was able to get my hooves on a chariot. I placed my equipment in the chariot and even though I was not thrilled, I had to pull the damn thing. Normally an Alicorn princess would NEVER be caught dead pulling a chariot but I still work and I have feeling I will make a killing with this one. Perhaps I will make more than I did off of Chrysalis!

After what seemed to be forever and a half I landed at this remote temple. I was dead tired, my body was aching and it was not Ahuizotl that I was greeted by, it was his pets. I was greeted by a tiger, a panther, a lynx, a bobcat and a little white cat. I thought I was going to become cat food until a I heard a loud, booming voice. Ahuizotl approached me and asked me if I was Colgate. Once I told him I was he led me to the chair he sits on. I am impressed by this place and its remoteness. This is the type of place that if I ever were to retire that I would want as a palace.

It seemed as though he wanted to talk to something but I let him know that we could talk after his appointment. I had a strong feeling that he likely didn't brush and would have some problems. It turns out I was right, he had a couple of cavities and given his size, those cavities were huge. I was questioning as to whether I would even have enough silver on me. After assessing the situation I told him that his bill would be 10,000 bits, not nearly as much as I had hoped given that I had to travel to the middle of nowhere and would be using a lot of silver. With this guy though, I was not about to overcharge him given his size and the fact that his pets were likely hungry.

At first he protested and threatened to feed me to his cats if I didn't lower the price. I then let him know that I am an Alicorn princess and that I could maim him for life if I wished. Now one would think that this would scare him into dealing with it but unfortunately he has dealt with Twilight before and she did nothing to him. I decided to zap him with some of my energy to prove my powers and after that, he agreed that my price would be fair. To be honest, most other dentists would charge much more than what I did simply for going that far out of the way.

He handed me a huge bag of bits and I got to work on him. It took me a very long time to clean his teeth and filling those cavities took forever. The worst thing was that I had just barely enough silver to fill those cavities. Great, just great. Now I'm going to have to reschedule the patients that need fillings until I can get some more silver in. In the end though it was worth it. I got a lot of money and I was able to meet Ahuizotl in real life. How many everyday ponies can say that?

After I finished taking care of his problems he discovered that I am the one who sold that horn to Caballeron so we began to discuss maybe becoming business partners. While we were discussing this both Daring Do and Caballeron showed up. With Daring Do showing up I figured that she was probably going to discover I was dealing with the enemy and wouldn't send me any more books but I would be very surprised.

The four of us began to talk and I was stunned. I discovered that everything that takes place in her books is all part of a master plan for Daring to write her books. I never once imagined that they all work together to make sure things go the way they do and I also learned that they get a cut from Daring since they all take part in this. Daring asked me if I could take some time off to aid in making sure Caballeron and Ahuizotl would get what they need to play their parts. I was skeptical at first but when I learned that I would become a regular character in the Daring Do books and get a cut like the other villains do, I enthusiastically agreed. Take that Rainbow, you were in ONE Daring Do book, I'm going to be in every single one from now on!

For now I shall return home and continue operating things like normal but in four months I'll have to take some time off so I can go steal a silver sword in Saddle Arabia so that Ahuizotl can try and use it to cut the sun in half. Even better I will be there for the sun cutting ceremony! I don't know what Daring has planned for this but I do hope that she initially lets Ahuizotl do what he wants like she did with Blueblood's horn and him casting the valley into dark unrelenting, bone chilling cold.

Now I know you're going to wonder what Celestia would think about the sun getting in half. Don't worry, she is in on how these stories work as well so it will be a non-factor. I simply can't wait until everything unfolds in the next book and Rainbow finds out I'm in another one. She will come storming over, throw a fit and I will have to knock a few teeth out and then put them back in. She's going to be my cash cow after every book comes out!

I tell you, things keep on getting better and better for me. I killed Tirek and I become a princess. Now I take care of Caballeron, Daring Do and Ahuizotl and suddenly I'm going to become a regular in the Daring Do books! Even better I will get to go on fantastic adventures to steal relics to sell to Caballeron and Ahuizotl. I guess this is where being a corrupt dentist who takes body parts and relics for payment really pays off! I do hope that someday I'll have to make a return trip to Yakyakistan, I'm sure they have plenty of relics to steal.

Starlight Glimmer (Not really a rant)

My next patient is one who I both feel for yet am a bit scared of, Starlight Glimmer. I feel for her because she has basically become a pitiful subordinate of Twilight's yet at the same time she could easily take my cutie mark if I wasn't careful around her. She came in one day and complained about pain in one of her teeth.

Like I do with everypony else I point my hoof at my sign regarding payments and she claimed she had the funds to pay. Now given that she is Twilight's student I figured that she probably had some sort of insurance provided by Celestia. I asked her about it and she told me that she did have TiaCare. Even though I have met her before and befriended her, I told her that I do not accept it. Unlike the others, she did not go into a rage, instead she told me she would come back when she had the funds.

Thank Luna! Finally a patient that understands that I want my money for the services I provide. Two weeks later she returned with some cash. I take her back and besides me fixing her teeth, we had a friendly chit chat. I discovered several things about my new friend and patient. I discovered that she secretly resents Twilight and often wishes she had tore up the scroll and stopped the rainboom. I can understand that entirely and let her know that I am no fan of Twilight.

When I told her that Twilight is my little bitch she got quite the laugh out of it. When I told her how good she is in bed she immediately began wanting to see for herself. She wasn't very happy when I told her that there probably wasn't much I could do until it hit me, I basically own Twilight so I figured that I could make Starlight's dream come true but I needed a reason.

Well when we went up front for her to check out she wound up not having enough money. Was I going to punish her or demand compensation from her, no I was not. She is Twilight's student, Twilight should have made sure she had the funds for this appointment so it was Twilight that would have to compensate me. Who am I kidding, given the stipulations of the customer/doctor agreement Twilight will always be my slave so I decided that the time had come for Starlight's dream to come true.

Given that she is my friend I put a horn cap on Twily and let Starlight dominate her all weekend long. I did give Twilight a warning, I told her that if she punished Starlight for this that I would have to truly punish her and that she would not like it.

After this situation, Starlight voluntarily decided to be part of my harem. Since she didn't have to do it, I let her dominate the others so you could almost say that her and I are co-owners of Twilight, Trixie, Sonata and Cheerilee. I say almost because she does still have to submit to me like the rest of them do. Overall though, she is a much happier mare. It makes me feel proud that I was able to bring so much happiness into her life.