Twilight of a Wacky Man

by EmployeeAMillion

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Crossover, Human, Sad, Drama, Horror
Length: 2251

A crossover ship between Twilight Sparkle and Homer Simpson as he appared on The Tracey Ullman Show.

When Twilight accidentally creates a portal to what appears to be another dimension, she finds love in the most unusual of places.

Note: Rated "T" for some disturbing themes near the end.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-07 17:57:31 UTC

Everypony, it's time to go!

It was a rather wet morning. It had been raining throughout the whole night because her friend, Rainbow Dash, was too lazy to do anything about the rain situation. A good thing too, considering the flowers had started to bloom brighter than they had in quite some time. Twilight Sparkle and her assistant, Spike, had gotten up early to practice some spells they had been working on. One of those was time distortion. Essentially, having time speed up or slow down around whoever the spell was cast upon.

"Hey Twilight, don't you think these spells can really hurt people?", Spike asked sheepishly, slightly frightened by the idea of having everything in time and space slow down around him, which would be their next test.

Twilight giggled at that statement before saying, "Not really, as long as they're used by the right people for the right purposes." She charged up a purple beam of light and her horn before asking "Ya ready?"

"Yeah, I guess so.", Spike replied, "Might as well get this over with." ZAP

Within barely half a second, Twilight saw Spike disappear out of the room and come back in the door, seemingly moving at normal speed. His eyes were wide and he was panting heavily. All he said was, "Twilight, you will not believe the adventure I just had!" Twilight was generally uninterested. So many bizzare, random events happened to her friends on a regular basis that she had practically become desensitised to it.

"Could you tell me about it later? I'm just going to pracitce some of the solo spells, now." Spike left the room, thoroughly disappointed.

Twilight looked at her beautiful, beautiful checklist. It was the only thing that ever made her heart throb blissfully. However, it was typical for ponies to fall in love with inanimate objects, and one wouldn't really classify this case as "love" as much as it was "strong affection". The 54th thing on the list was "Compoundable matter demonstration". Seeing as how only eggheads would be able to understand this stuff, I'll just get right to the chase. After mixing some gapholium chloride with some sodium hydrohephsade to create a steaming yellow tunnel about 200cm deep and 150cm wide, she felt a feeling of satisfaction and cheered herself on. However, she lost control of her horn and accidentally launched the previous spell, "time distortion" into the tunnel.

Suddenly, the tunnel became twice as big and twice as wide, and opened up revealing a blue portal. Twilight had had her share of going inside portals, so she knew that this wasn't going to be the most pleasant day she's ever had if she went inside. However, she couldn't resist herself because it was something she had made herself. She quickly levitated a pen and piece of paper and wrote on it, "Dear Spike, I'm in this portal. If I don't come out by tomorrow, get some help from Celestia, Luna, Cadence and/or the Maneish 5". With that, she puffed out her alicorn wings and jumped into the portal.

She found herself in a small pink house. There was a calendar on the wall which read "April 1987", alongside a small table with a potted flower on it. Coming down the hall was a slightly overweight man with lemon yellow skin who seemed to be in his mid 30s and had a bald spot covering almost his entire head, save for two strands of hair that stuck up like arches. He had a trim brown beard and a massive overbite, small black eyes that rested atop his nose, and wore a white polo shirt, indigo jeans and grey shoes. When he saw the purple alicorn, he was in a slight state of shock. He didn't know how to react to it- with fear? Anger? Happiness? Sadness?

Twilight spoke to him saying "There's no need to be scared. I just want to know where I am." The man was confused.

"Then how did you get into the house?", he asked with a voice remeniscent of Walter Matthau's.

"Oh that's easy. I just came in through this portal.", she pointed to the big bright portal that was still existent in the corridor. The man couldn't see it.

"What portal? All I can see is the way to the bathroom." He wasn't even mad. Although she was some kind of magic horse, she looked beautiful to him, and hearts started to pop out around him…almost like a cartoon.

Twilight put together quickly that he couldn't see the portal and that made her want to go home and not meddle with him, a mere human. After all, the caldendar implied that this was decades before her time, making her not want to meddle with history…again. But for a mere human, he looked pretty handsome to her. There was something about him that made her feel more than just "strong affection". It was a feeling of love! Romance! The kind of ecstacy that her friend, Rarity, wouldn't be able to describe using her widest vocabulary!

"So uh, you wanna hang out some time? Like…go on a date?", Twilight asked, her hormones clearly overtaking her intelligence for the first time in her life.

"Well uh, that would be nice.", the man said back, then he stopped smiling. "Wait a minute! I don't even know your name!"

"Oh uh, my name is Princess Twilight, but you can call me "Twilight Sparkle". What's yours?"

The man replied, the smile returning to his face, "My name is Captain Wacky, but you can call me "Homer Simpson"".

Twilight felt like introductions were out of the way. "Okay, see you soon", she said as she jumped back into the portal, but to Homer, it looked like she had jumped into, and disappeared into, thin air.

He heard his wife calling, "Homer, you wanna watch TV?".

Homer replied, "Certainly, my dear!", however, Marge Simpson wouldn't be the only one that he would be calling "his dear" in his lifetime. As he sat on the couch with his family, consisting of his wife and three children, he started to ramble in a lubby dubby voice,

"Well here we are, the whole family. All together, sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit family can. Why we're more than a-"

He was rudely interrupted by his oldest child and only son, Bart. "Dad, you can stop, now! Commercial's over and the show's back on".

His concentration returned to the TV as they prepared to watch "Married…With Children", and he replied "Oh...oh yeah", saying enough to assure his son that he listened to his statement, but not enough so as to cause any more disruption to the family viewing experience.

Rarity Sense

Meanwhile, back in Equestria, Twilight had come out of the portal back into the study room in her castle. If looks and words could heal, she felt Homer Simpson could be a doctor. He was on the top of her mind at the moment. Nothing could possibly bring her down from the completely nirvanic feeling she was going through. She was giggling to herself, something she hadn't done without anypony around. She pretty much had her head on the clouds, but one thought brought it back down to Equestria slighty- where was Spike?

She searched around the castle and saw him resting on the royal table like his usual, adorable self. "Oh Spike!", Twilight called to him in a sing-song tone, to which Spike woke up frightened.

"Ah Twilight, I'm so sorry. I hope I didn't break the map or any-"

"I don't care. Spike, I need to tell you something and you better take it seriously", she said smiling, so Spike could only imagine how exciting it was. He hopped off the table and went up to her. She whispered to him, "I'm in love".

Spike gasped. He had never felt happier for her. "Twilight, that's amazing!", he exclaimed.

"Who is it?", he asked, to which Twilight started to reply,

"His name is Homer Simpson. He's a yellow hu-" she stopped right there. How would Spike react if she told him that she had fallen in love with a human within a dimension where she wasn't a human? Would that count as an interspecies romance? What if Spike told anypony and made her look like a complete foal? She couldn't have handled that, so she fixed herself up, saying, "He's a yellow unicorn pony, and he's in an alternate dimension that I happened to create a portal to," she stopped again, wondering if she opened up a chance for Spike, the Maneish 5, heck, anypony to meet Homer. Thankfully, she covered it up with, "-but unfortunately, he can't come into this dimension. I can only go in there. And me only!" She technically wasn't lying with the last one, she had no idea if Homer could cross dimensions like her. After all, he seemed unable to see the portal earlier.

"Cool" Spike replied, too naïve to see past her lies. Then he started talking again, "Anyway, mind if I tell you what happened when you used the time distortion spell?"

Twilight, not to make her sound rude or anything, wasn't totally interested in what Spike had to say. She responded with, "Uhh, sorry but mind if I have some me time?"

Spike was rather disappointed. "Oh…sure", he said hanging his head down. "Thanks, I knew you'd understand", said Twilight, as she hopped up to her room with glee in a similar fasion to Pinkie Pie. Yes, the thought of Homer made her act equivalent to the "Element of Laughter", and basically the embodiment of happiness and childish innocence in her world.

Spike went back to his siesta atop the royal table, which was quickly interrupted by Rarity bursting into the castle. Spike immediately got up and rushed to her. "Hey, Rarity, wha-"

"WHERE'S TWILIGHT!?", she yelled at him, almost shrieking.

"Oh, she's upstairs. Hey, you wanna hea-" Spike got interrupted again but Rarity squealing like a fangirl before rushing up to Twilight's bedroom. Rarity was usually a very exciteable pony, but this was almost creepy to Spike. He tried to catch up with her and ask her what's going on.

"Rarity, what's the matter with you? You're never usually this happy! I mean, it's not bad that you'r happy but-" Spike was interrupted again(!) as Rarity turned back towards him halfway up the stairs.

"It's my "Rarity Sense"!", she replied, before turning around to show him her tail, which was twirling clockwise like a drill. "Look at my tail!", she said simulatenously before turning around back to Spike. "Whenever my tail starts twirling like that, it means one of the Mane 6 has fallen in love! AND IT'S CHOSEN TWILIGHT!", she screamed before chuckling to herself.

"Oh yeah, about that…we don't know too much about the stallion himself", Spike said to the ecstatic unicorn, who just started to simmer down.

"Oh…well I still wanted to talk to Twilight anyway to see how she feels about love and romance", she said putting her hoof to her chest and staring off into the distance.

Just then, Twilight appeared in front of her and frightened her by saying, "Hey there, Rarity". Both Rarity and Spike jumped at this, as they hadn't heard Twilight coming in, and fell down about half the flight of stairs.

"Ooh, that's gotta hurt", she said as she used her wings to glide down to the step at which Rarity and Spike seemed to stop falling. "Are you two okay?", she asked them, and they seemed to brush it off pretty easily. Guess being immortal following Twilight's ascension greatly reduced the damage taken to them from what would otherwise cause fatal injuries.

Rarity was somewhat amused, "Okay? On a scale of 1-10, it be a mathematical impossibility!", she shouted gleefully, and then hugged Twilight. "You've found love!", she repeated over and over again, and Twilight could see her mascara running. As long as Rarity wasn't crying over the fact that she had been taken by a human, she was not going to flip out.

Rarity almost immediately cooled down saying, "But it's a shame we can't see him", putting Twilight's worries to rest.

"Yeah, sure is also a shame that I "accidentally" locked myself out of my study room", Twilight said while simultaneously devising a plan to keep her study room out of reach from anypony else. She quietly used her horn to lock the study room, which was impressive, considering it was all the way up the stairs. "And I bet no unicorn/alicorn/corn on a cob would be able to penetrate it!", she followed up with a nervous smile. Rarity and Spike were none the wiser and couldn't see past her obvious lies.

"Well that's okay, we can still just go into your bedroom (just like the old days) and talk about love", Rarity shyly responded, "After all, you've got a lot to learn before you decide to marry this…what did you say his name was?"

Twilight and Spike said in unison, "Homer".

Rarity completely lost it again, and screamed happilly, almost frightening Twilight and Spike, and then fainted, falling down the rest of the stairs. Twilight used her magic to pick her up and take her to her bedroom and told Spike to get her a glass of water.

"I'm on it like, uh…something that's on something!", Spike said and rushed to the kitchen.