Author's Note

This story shows my daily life with depression. Read at own risk.
For more information https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/649615/what-is-depression

One day of depression

I woke up when it was still far from sunrise. It was around 3 in the morning. I already had tears in my eyes, and I only just woke up. But this is normal. My dreams are torturing me. Seems like my mind just can't let me rest in peace.

Sigh

I roll on the other side in my bed and pull the blankets up, hoping to get some more sleep.

It just was no use. I couldn't fall back asleep. When it was around 5am I gave up.
Though I didn't feel like getting up. So I just laid there. Staring at the ceiling.

Eventually I heard a weird sound of something being pushed on the floor.
I sat up and was met with a wave of migraine. I clenched my eyes from the pain for a moment. When I opened them again I saw Tank with his food bowl at the door.

I had forgotten to feed him yesterday evening. Again.

I carefully climbed off the bed and went to the kitchen in a slow pace.
I just wasn't in the mood for anything. I never was.

But at least I could make myself useful with giving him food.
Once in the kitchen I grabbed the bag of food. I must have walked in a speed that even Tank could keep up with, because he was standing behind me with his food bowl when I turned around.

Sounds good to me.

I filled his bowl, the noise triggering another wave of pain through my head.
Once Tanks bowl was filled I didn't even bother placing the food bag back to where it usually was. I went straight for the bathroom to get some nice pain killers.

I opened the cabinet and took one out.
Every time I have to take one, I find myself staring at them all and consider taking them all and just be gone. It's not like anyone would miss me anyways.

Taking one and swallowing it with water from the faucet I went back to my bed. I wasn't hungry anyways and I'm not needed for weather duty today.

I crawled back under the covers and tried to get some sleep.

And soon enough the sun was rising, beams shining bright through my window onto my face.

Seems like the world just doesn't want me to get any rest today.

I groan and pull the covers over my head. Making a mental note to write a letter of complain.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Please turn off the lights that your sun is making. Thank you very much.

I want to sleep,

Rainbow Dash

Yeah, just like that.

I continued laying on my bed with my eyes closed for the next few hours.
At least that's what it seemed to me. Time goes by so slowly..

I remembered that I had to take my medication. Ever since they changed the time of intake from evening to morning, I seem to forget them until midday.
I pushed my head and hooves to the end of the covers. My meds were always on my night stand, always staring at me, and yet I still seem to forget them.

Realizing I had to get up again since I had no water here, I groaned again.

I didn't feel like getting up.

So I just laid there for a while again.

Then my eyes shot open. I remembered that I had to meet my friends at 9. Checking the time I saw that it was 7.45 am.

Fine, I had to get up. Inhaling deeply I pushed myself up. I really had to take my meds. I couldn't let any pony know how lame I was without them.

I finally grabbed the little box of SSRI and went to the kitchen, filling a glass with water.
My meds had a really bitter taste so I had to get them down fast. Even though my name is Rainbow Dash, the taste was even faster than me sometimes.

Then I noticed how disheveled my mane was and I had to fix that. Can't go outside with a bed mane, now can I?

So I went back to my bathroom and grabbed the brush. At a pace that even Tank could win a race against, I got halfway through...
I couldn't move my arm anymore so I put it down...
Looking down to the floor, I stood there like a statue for a while.

If I had a visible scale on motivation, it would have already been frozen from being so far down.

Sigh, I have to get ready. Checking the time again I saw that it was 8.23am.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this anymore...

But Twilight needs me... she wouldn't be able to do anything without thinking of how she couldn't help me, how she should have known, what a bad friend - and marefriend - she was. I couldn't make her as miserable as I am.

I finally finished fixing my mane into... something and checked the time again. 8.40am. I had to leave now or I would be late for our breakfast at the castle.

So I left, flying in a speed that matches Fluttershy. But eventually I made it to the castle. I opened the door and put my mask on with the happiest smile I could muster.
I found the diner room with Twilight and Spike still busy preparing everything.
I went over to her.

"Morning beautiful." I said, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Morning Dashie. Sleep well?" She asked while placing the plates on the table for everyone.

"Like a rock." I lied and smiled at her.

"We are almost ready. The others should be here in a moment."

"Sounds good to me." I said and sat down on my usual place at the table.

A few minutes later and all our friends were here.

During our breakfast I felt like crying again and wiped away a tear before anyone could notice.

"Everything alright sugar cube?" Applejack asked, sounding concerned.

"Sure, I'm fine. Just.. thinking of how Tank likes to chew on my hair. He ripped out a few again this morning hehe.. little gangster really likes rainbows." I lied again, giving my best at faking.

"Oooooh I think it's so CUTE when he does that! He really loves you, Dashie!" Pinkie chirped.

I smiled at her remark. If it just wouldn't feel so hollow...

I spent the day with my friends. When I came home it was already getting dark outside.
I felt close to another panic attack. My anxiety getting really bad every night.
I walked past Tank, who gave me a sad look while pointing to his food bowl.
I never noticed it and just went straight to bed.

When I was on my bed I was already crying again for no reason.
I always had to cry myself to sleep for hours. So I had to try to fall asleep, back into my torturing dreams..

Welcome to my life...

Author:

I'm in therapy and on meds (like in the story). They are used from middle to major depression (clinical depression). Just so you can get an idea.
Though I'm clean from self harming for two weeks now (yay) I'm not sure if it means anything.
Getting up in the morning is mostly the biggest obstacle, cuz.. why bother, you know?
I know there are people out there who care.. But I just can't stop feeling like a complete burden to everyone. I wrote this story to tell the truth, to be honest with myself. That I Have problems, not Am one..

Thanks for reading