Tenacious D - Elements of Destiny

by iamthemithras

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, DJ P0N-3, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Octavia, Comedy
Length: 7249

Long ago, a wizard summoned a demon from the depths of Tartarus. After a horrific battle, the demon was defeated but it was prophesied that one day it would return, and only the Element of Destiny would defeat it once and for all...

Long ago in the pre-classical era of Equestria, a wizard summoned a baron of hell from the depths of Tartarus. After a horrific battle, the demon was defeated but it was prophesied that one day it would return, and only the Elements of Destiny would defeat it once and for all.

Octavia Melody, a cello player from an orchestra set out to pursue her unrequited dream to rock. Vinyl Scratch, a famous DJ longs for a sense of camaraderie. Pinkie Pie is here just for fun.

Rated T for Retarded: Bad jokes, Swear words, Bod Grammer
"This is not the greatest fanfiction in the world, no! This is just a tribute."
Special thanks to DashieSparkle for Vinyl's vector, HareTrinity for Octavia's vector for the poster

Published 2016-07-08 14:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-04 21:45:25 UTC

Gaylord

Destiny.

Long ago in the pre-classical era of Equestria, a wizard summoned a baron of hell from the depths of Tartarus. After a horrific battle, the demon was defeated but it was prophesied that one day it would return, and only the Elements of Destiny would defeat it once and for all. So it was destined.

Destiny...

What is it? What does it mean? Why does it sound so cool when a story starts with just that one word?

A dictionary defines Destiny as the events that have to happen to someone or something in the future, in the context of time. For example, it is your Destiny to die. It just has to happen, it’s nobody’s fault. Sorry buddy, Dictionaries can be a dick. It’s in the name.

The same dictionary defines Destiny as a force that influences what events actually happens to someone or something in the future, in the context of superstition, and many many story rpgs or something like that. For example, saying I believe it was Destiny that made you stumble upon this story, dear reader so you may gaze and ponder upon the eloquence of my writing. You may have noticed that that is also what you might think a pompous asshole would say or in more refined company a self-centered dick at best.

Why they just call it fate instead of making Destiny mean two things is beyond reason some would argue, but surely we can both agree that Dictionaries are dicks. No? Well do your own thing then. Anyway this is a story of Destiny - or fate if you will.

Let me set the stage for you.

A neighborhood on the outskirts of Manehattan, nice enough for Manehattan standards. A family of four living in a nice white-painted house, a nicely mowed lawn with a driveway. They’re having oats and plums for dinner fresh from the supermarket, there’s half a plate of cheesecake in the fridge for dessert.

It was a pretty nice dinner for an upper-middle class family and this is the kind they can afford everyday living in Gaylord, Manehattan, population 9000.

Octavia Melody strikes you as a reserved pony, somepony who always pauses before saying something. Unless you get to know her that is, then you’d know she’s pretty friendly after all and easy to like. See, don’t be shy, she’s a pretty ordinary pony after all right?

See the way she eats her dinner: Her face not too deep into the plate, chewing the oats with her mouth closed, avoiding eye-contact when not making conversation like some kind of creep, not making that mmm sound when you’re savoring the taste. She’s pretty ordinary.

Understandably though, not all would be convinced yet. Let us see how the rest of the night played out, so we can see the ordinary…ness of the family.

Her father started the usual small-talk “So how was today’s rehearsal, darling?”

Octavia said to her father “It was nice. The band did fairly well”

There was a slight pause before her mother said “Band?” then her mother shot her a look

“I mean the group. T-The Chamber-Chamber Orchestra…” she then wolfed down more oats “More oats please!” she gave a nervous laugh while she motioned for a plate of more oats. Her brother handed it to her “Mmm oats… very delicious”

A few seconds of awkward silence that feels ten times longer for her went by. Her mother still glaring at her like she stole her favorite pair of socks and threw it into an incinerator of a glue factory. It was unbearable. Finally she gave it up then went back to eating dinner.

Her father turned to her brother “How about you Button, how was school?”

“Eh, it was okay”

“You know, funny thing at work. The new stallion submitted a design for the new building for the corporation I told you all about. It’s very… modern looking, you know? The edges are round like a… like a cylinder. Not like most building you know that has four sides but this one is like the Tower of Pisa you know?”

“That’s wonderful, dear” His wife said

“Yeah yeah… I thought it was great. It’s uh, the direction we’re going to nowadays I thought to myself… then I put on my glasses and I saw he drew a giant dick”

“Brock! In front of Button?”

“What? He’s a growing kid, I’m sure he hears it all the time”

Button turned to them “Hear what? Sorry I wasn’t listening”

“I’ll be in my room now for practice” Octavia stood up from the table and left the dining room

“Didn’t she just play the entire day? So dedicated to her craft like her mum”

“Dad! Did you know in Minecraft I finally defeated the Ender Dragon for the 6th time! That was really hard!”

Now alone in her room, she took her phone and headset and listened to some music like an ordinary mare. By now we have established by all accounts that here is a perfectly ordinary mare, nothing extraordinary about her, just a mare that plays the cello that lives with her ordinary family: Her father that works at a firm, her mother who’s also a musician, her brother that plays Minecraft. Very typical. Very average.

Oh but what’s this? Tucked away in secret, Octavia sorted out the songs in her phone by ‘most played’. There was the usual pieces from Bach, Vivaldi, and Beethoven but stopped at the tenth mark. She played it on her phone. It started with an orgasmic shred that involuntary made her headbang along with the drums, sweet Celestia it was that good.

Watched their faces, saw the traces of the things they want to be, but only you can see

That perfect voice, high and strong, feels like its talking straight to her. Telling a story – her story. She’s what everypony wants to see, a successful cello player part of an orchestra, what her mother wants to see, but here she takes comfort in solace. Only she knows

It pulls at her soul. The Melody, the Truth, the Metal, the ROCK! This is what she is missing, this is what she is.

Oh but the scandal! What everypony would think! Her? A METAL HEAD? That simply does not add up. Her mother would DISOWN her! Even though she’s old enough to move anyway but still, she’d throw her away! All her things - she’d be cast away on the street! Even though she earns enough to get by anyway. Who would want their parent to do that to them? The only thing more disastrous than that if the house suddenly started on fire.

Suddenly her room started on fire.

“What the deuce?!” She backed away from the door where the fire started happening.
It suddenly rose high and there conjured a towering figure sitting on a throne adorned with skulls and spikes. It looks terrifyingly bad ass.

“Holy ravioli” Octavia said without thinking

“No. HOOOLY DIIVER!” Its beautifully pitched voice pierced the room, it sounded so magnificent it stunned her even more.

“Who are you?!”

“Dio” It suddenly sounded so magnanimous it calmed her almost instantly like its caressing her ears. Such perfection.

“What...”

“I am from the afterlife. I teach Satan how to sing in my spare time. I heard your cry brave Octavia, you long for the Rock”

She made a shush sound “Pleasebequiet - How did – How did you know that?”

“I follow the call of the Rock, and it led me to you. I’m here to help guide you towards your destiny”

“…Wha. What about my destiny?”

“Escape your mother’s clutches from this oppressive neighborhood

On a journey you must go to find land beyond Canterlot”

“To where the elements come in harmony

Beyond the city that reach the clouds

You will form a strong alliance,

And Equestria’s strongest bond

To find your fame and fortune,

Through the castle you must waaalk!

You will face your inner demons,

Now go. Young. Mare. And. ROOOOOOCK!”

Its voice etched itself to her soul, she can almost hear wonderful metal playing in her ears, then suddenly the figure disappeared in a ring of fire. It left as it came, the room was clean, no singes, no flames. It looked as if it never came at all.

She heard knocking from her door. Her mother spoke outside of the room

“Honey, is everything alright?”

“Yes mum”

Her mother opened the door to check up on her “What was that screaming we heard earlier?”

“Oh, uh. It’s nothing. Just practicing”

She blinked for a second, and then closed the door behind her. Octavia was alone again.

“What in the name of Pachelbel was that?”

Octavia stood up from her bed to gather her bearings. Should she follow the figure’s advice? Is this promise of fame and fortune have any substance? She thought to herself even more. She’s already successful enough, but mayhap pursuing this craft would make her happier?

She carefully opened her closet. Her cello case was right there, clean, well kept. She took it aside to look at what’s behind it.

A guitar case that you wouldn’t have seen behind the cello. She could hear “Also Sprach Zarathustra” playing in her mind as she carefully unclip the case to her acoustic guitar, the light reflecting from the wood finish calls to her. The drums beating at her very core, she can’t deny the metal any longer like she suddenly summoned an overwhelming resolve to rock hard. It was a strange feeling at best, self-depreciating at worst.

“Land beyond Canterlot, huh” She looked up, gathering her thoughts “That doesn’t help at all. Canterlot is at the center of Equestria, everything is beyond Canterlot”

“To find your fame and fortune,

You must travel the Ghastly Goooorge!

You will face your inner demons,

Now go. Young. Mare. And. ROOOOOOCK!”

The figure disappeared as it went. There wasn’t any singes or flames in the studio, as if the figure never appeared. DJ Pon-3 adjusted her glasses. It didn’t make any sense to her since she was already famous and bits aren’t a problem to her.

One look at the studio though and it immediately hit her again. The loneliness creeps into her again, with all the cool parties she could DJ - at the end of the day no one shares her music as much as she does.

“A strong alliance”

When she arrived at her condo, she went straight to her bedroom. She motioned to her closet big enough to be a small room. She opened its doors; there were the usual clothes she keeps for appearances if she had to grace the red carpet. Behind them were shoe shelves were she also keeps some of her old stuff, one of these were her first turntable.

She dusted it off; it’s an automatic direct-drive turntable - perfect for beginners. She got it as gift for her birthday. Her parents probably thought to give her that because playing with the guitar didn’t gave her her cutie mark. She put it back in place and opened a large drawer underneath the shelves. She pulled out a black guitar case with lightning decals at the side. She unclipped the locks and opened the case with her unicorn magic. Her strat guitar still looks as fresh as when she first got it many many years ago. Looking back, she never really cared much to practice with it. Maybe it’s time for a new chapter of her life.

She went to the living room and looked at the beautiful lights of Las Pegasus from her high-rise condo. So many ponies living about in this time of night.

“To find your fame and fortune,

You must… stay here and wait for two maaares

You might face your inner demons,

Now stay. Young. Mare. And. ROOOOOOCK!”

“ROOOOOOOOOCK!!!” Pinkie Pie screamed along with Dio ”ROOOOOOOCK!!!”

“ROOOOOCK!!” Dio flashed the devil horns sign while he screamed at Pinkie “ROOOOOOCK!!”

“ROOOOOOCK!!” Pinkie Pie showed him a rock while she screamed “ROOOOOOCK!!”

Dio lifted his voice higher and flashed her two devil horns sign “RROOOOOOOOOOOOCK!” His voice is so pure it could make glass break dance

“RRRhhaaaaaa…..” Pinkie’s face became red “Alright, I lost my voice haha! You got me Dio, you’re the golden voice”

“See ya next time Pinkie” A ring of fire covered him and he vanished

“Bye Dio!” She waved at the spot where he used to be “Wow. What an awesome guy, right gummy?”

Gummy was deep in thought. ‘Awesome. Something that is awesome is by definition one that brings considerable awe. However, one that brings considerable awe is purely subjective. A bird flapping its wings is astonishing to a child that has never seen birds in flight while the average person finds it very ordinary, they do not find it ‘awesome’ any more than a plant growing is ‘awesome’. Therefore if you find something very underwhelming but everypony else finds awe-inspiring – does that make you an adult among children? There is a term they call diminishing return-’

“I guess I can wait for somepony to achieve their Destiny here in good ole Ponyville population 4000. Come on Gummy, let’s bake a cake!”

History

“Come in!”

Pinkie Pie greeted two ponies that came in “Hey! What can I get--” she blinked twice then made a huge gasp "HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!” that’s how she gasped.

“You two must be NEW around Ponyville!” she made a grand gesture with her hooves “WELCOME! WELCOME! What brings you here to this mosey little town? Village. Ville. Ponyville"

“Hi... Um. Yeah, haha, crazy story actually” The grey one adjusted her bow tie “My name is Octavia, and this here is Vinyl”

Vinyl and Pinkie waved hello at each other. Octavia continued “We both stumbled upon each other a few minutes ago and, umm. You wouldn’t believe this - We were each given a quest by a “DIO” person and, umm—“

“HOLD ON”

Pinkie stood there, her hoof stopping the both of them in their tracks.

“What did DIO told you?”

The two glanced at each other.

“We uh - DIO told me to go beyond Castle Canterlot, that was two months ago I don’t remember. Vinyl here said she was told to travel the Ghastly Gorge, whatever that meant. We literally didn’t know where to go, It turns out we both just traveled and made a stop here in Ponyville”

Pinkie got up from the counter and walked past the two. She locked the door, and whirled to them with a blank face.

“You should follow me upstairs”

The first thing Octavia saw was balloons. There’s balloon art on the tiles, a balloon themed closet, balloon art on the carpet, balloons tied to a balloon-themed bed with balloons stenciled on the woodwork, balloon themed bed cover, balloon themed curtains, balloon death metal album CD – there is balloon vector on everything.

“Is it somepony’s birthday?”

Pinkie glanced at her “Uh, somewhere out there for sure! Welcome to my room”

“Your room?” She glanced at every corner of the room once again. Its description could be adequately summarized by repeating ‘balloon’ six times. Balloon, balloon, balloon, balloon, balloon, balloon. “That is a poster of Nena’s album ‘99 Red Balloons’”

“Huh” Pinkie looked at its direction “Didn’t notice that was still there. Weird. Anyway, I need to show you both something before Mr. and Mrs. Cake arrive. Good thing they’re always conveniently away, if I might add”

“Your family?”

“Oh no! Not related at all, just live in their bakery”

She let the thought sink in first “You… sleep in the second story of someone else’s business whom you have no relation to?”

“W-well what was I going to do – live with my parents? That’s pretty sad, even for me”

Octavia was going to say there’s nothing wrong with living with your parents but decided against it. Pinkie Pie is a grown mare with balloons tied to her bed.

“You two just stumbled upon the darkest secret in the history of rock” Pinkie Pie reached for something under the covers of her balloon-tied bed “I actually met DIO once. I was just a little filly, showed up on our rock farm asking for guitar amps. Had to convince him that we weren’t a shop and we just literally farm rocks. Cool guy though”

She withdrew a small cardboard box from under the covers and presented it to them “I remember us talking about trumpets” she went on as she set the box down and shuffled through the contents “all kinds of things about trumpets, about how the C trumpet sounds a little better than the B flat trumpet - taught me how to articulate too. do re mi fa so LA TI DO! DIO likes trumpets is what I’m saying. Ah here it is!”

She slowly took out an ageing leather scroll by the handles, blowing off a bit of dust “DIO always left an impression on me. So I eventually did a little research on him, gained the trust of a librarian in Canterlot, then eventually got my eyes on this, check it out”

She opened the scroll to reveal seemingly undecipherable letters written from row to row, it’s like something somepony would scrawl on a leather scroll if they wanted to invent a language if you asked Octavia that is “It’s an ancient scroll from the Dark Ages. All in Latina – an ancient language nopony speaks anymore. It took me 6 years to find somepony who can translate it”

“6 years? That’s too much. You probably would’ve learned the language by then”

“I know! I keep thinking I should’ve just studied Latina or something. Dios mio, man. Anyway this is what it said”

Long ago in the Pre-Classical era of Equestria a master wizard summoned a baron of hell from the depths of Tartarus.

"Satanista" Pinkie read aloud “That’s Latina for Satan… and Tartarus is bad teeth.”

Octavia and Vinyl looked at each other.

A horrific battle began. One that would surely be foretold throughout the ages, not discarded from known history into a rotting ancient scroll a thousand years from now.

“You can never win, foolish mortal!” With a flick of his wrist, the baron summoned snakes from the ground – coiling the master wizard’s hooves. “Haha! That’s what you get for meddling with forces you don’t understand!”

As the serpents crawl up on him, the wizard teleported himself away to safety.

“Fool! Thou fight a master wizard of renown! Dost thou expect thine parlor tricks to amuse such as I?”

The baron responded with fervor “Well… uh… thou… thou thought… thought of that first, you should have. Do or do not, there is no try!”

Pinkie looked up, “It was ye olden days, everypony talked like that.”

“Umm… Question --” Octavia raised her hoof, “What exactly is a baron of hell?”

“Well, a member of the lowest order of the demon hierarchy of nobility in Tartarus, duh!”

“... Okay, but do you have to talk like ye olden times? You are translating it to us.”

Pinkie stared at Octavia for a few seconds. She blinked twice then went back to reading.

The battle raged for a fortnight.. What’s a fortnight you ask? Not sure, but that’s what it said. They appeared to be evenly matched but alas, the wizard had begun to lose his strength.

“Haha! You’re getting tired old man! Give up already, you’ve no chance of winning!”

The wizard spoke between breaths, “Coward! I summoned thine hence, I hath power over thee!”

“Coward?! Why you motherf – EAT LIGHTNING!” Bellowed the baron.

Suddenly, a tremendous surge of electricity came forth from the demon’s claws – but the wizard summoned a force field before it hits.

However, the demon let on, “UNNLIMITED POWEERRRR!!!”

It was so intense you guys.

Eventually the wizard realized he couldn’t keep up forever. The last of his magicka reserves were being depleted and the lightning just kept coming -- he needed help!

“H-Help! Somepony!” The wizard wheezed between gasps. “I require… Assistance!”

Fortunately in a nearby village, a blacksmith working late at night heard the wizard’s pleas. Bringing his trusty hammer, he journeyed towards the fray

He arrived to the sight of the wizard grappling for his life against the demon, in the heat of battle. Following his instinct, the blacksmith hurled his hammer towards the demon.

“What the --?!” the baron hadn’t time to react before the hammer bludgeoned him straight on the mouth!

“AWHHF WHAFT!” The creature reached for his mouth, “Shift. Mah tooft!” he lodged a talon inside to feel an opening where his tooth used to be “The FUCK?! You hit my tooth man!” Blood was started to trickle down his chin.

The blacksmith stuttered, “O-oh! …I-I’m sorry – I’m sorry! I --”

“You motherFUCKER! What were you thinking?! You SIIICK fuck!”

“I’m sorry! You -- You were --”

“CUNT! I just had my dentist appointment a week ago for fuck’s sake! Bastard!”

“OH! Oh I’m sorry I didn’t --” he kept apologizing.

“BASTARD! Why did you throw that? Why did you throw that? Why did you throw that?”

“I uh- I-uh”

“Why did you throw that?”

“Uh”

“Why. Did. You. THROW. That? What’s your business man? Seriously. What business was it of you to throw that hammer at me just now?” Anger and frustration is a potent mixed that seemed to drive the baron even more ballistic.

The blacksmith was still pointlessly explaining, “I was just --”

“You BASTARD!”

“I was.. I… The wizard looked like he needed help and I..”

“You weren’t part of the fight you little cheat!”

“I-I- …I wasn’t, yes.”

“Asshole.”

“I-“

“ASSHOLE.”

“… please… sir, I’m sorry that I’ve made you very upset.”

“ALRIGHT. Alright. Alright. So, how are we going to fix this then, huh?”

“Fix? Uh… uh”

“Huh?”

“-Huh?”

“Yeah, fix. Are you gonna pay my dental or something or what?”

“PAY? Uh, I don’t… know.”

“You don’t know.”

“I don’t -- wait how much… will that be?”

“You don’t know.”

“No I don’t -- I don’t -- I don’t know how much I’ll be paying… you… I mean, will it be in bits? Or… some other currency maybe?”

“Other currency. How about I snap your neck, how’s that for other currency? You leper ass bleeding douche… Do you have Insurance?”

“Insurance? …Yes, Yes I do!”

“Like, Medical Benefits? Medical Insurance?”

“Yes-Yes I do!”

“You think your Insurance can cover for me – You think we can arrange that? Talk it over with the company, you know like they do with car insurance?”

The blacksmith nodded at him “Yeah – I uh – well, I don’t know, have to check with them first but I’m sure we can arrange that. I -- I’ll make sure it’s taken care of in my end”

“Do you have their number? For the insurance?”

“Yeah I uh…” The blacksmith checked his pockets and took out a card “Yeah, uh here you go”

“Okay, give it to me.” The demon took the business card and brought out his smartphone. “So, you just have it with you huh?”

“Yeah, you know…” the blacksmith shrugged his shoulders “Just in case… I’m a Blacksmith, so…”

“So… what exactly? In case you accidentally hit your face?” the baron took a picture of the card “Hold on, let me type this in the contacts too.”

“Oh sure, sure.”

“You know, so I can call…”

“Yeah”

“… them easier… later.”

“Yeah, sure”

The baron continued to save the number to his phone “alright, eight hundred… zero four – an eight hundred number WOW. alright – three, five…”

“So uh, which clinic will you be going to?”

“Oh the same place probably, the one back in hell. Why? You gonna come visit?”

“No, I’m just wondering if they have HMO or PPO.”

“Oh yeah. They have both I think.”

“Ah, okay… good”

“Company clinic, I think.”

“Ah alright… do I have to visit though?”

The demon thought for a moment “… I don’t… think so. Maybe? I guess we’ll figure it out when we take care of this.”

“Yeah I guess so.”

The baron handed the card back to him “Celestiacare?”

“Celestiacare”

“Ah. That explains it.”

“You?”

“Ha! You’d have better luck getting insurance working for WWE than Satan.”

“Oh… so…”

“Dental work is crazy expensive, yeah”

“Ah… I see”

They were silent for a while. The blacksmith looked down a little and shuffled the dirt a bit. The demon scratched the back of his head. Both of them just felt awkward standing next to each other.

The demon finally talked “Look man, sorry I lashed out at you earlier.”

“No-No-No it's okay.”

“No really, that was all out of line. I shouldn’t have -- I shouldn’t have said any of that.” It was the demon’s turn to be apologetic this time.

“No-no it’s alright. It’s alright”

Struggling to find the right words, he babbled on. “You know, all those things I said…”

“It’s alright. I understand.”

“You know, BASTARD…”

The blacksmith brushed him off. “Haha, It’s okay I would’ve --”

But the baron seemed to be on a roll, “ASSHOLE…”

“I would’ve probably said the same things.”

“MOTHERFUCKER… those things”

“Well probably not, I don’t even know what those are. ”

“CUNT.”

“… Yeah.”

“Yeah you know. I was just… out of control, didn’t know what got over me.”

“It’s okay. It’s okay. No worries.”

“Good dental work is important back home you know. It’s a society thing.”

“Aahh… Oh, okay.”

“Yeah – people around you look into that, man. I think I spent at least 5 months of my pay on dental care for the last year.”

“Oh wow, that really is expensive.”

“Yeah, these dentists they’re leeches man.”

“Oh yeah?”

“They charge like a surgeon. Not even real doctors those lot.”

“Oh they’re that expensive back there huh?”

“Yeah, Yeah! I mean – I don’t even want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh alright.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay…”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore…”

“Yeah, okay…”

“Pardon. Pinkie, Is the ancient text really going like that?”

Yeah but it’s almost done, stay with me.”

“So uh, we cool?” The baron of hell motioned his hand for a high-five. “We cool? No beef between us anymore?”

“Yeah! Yeah, we -- we’re cool, we’re cool.” The blacksmith raised his hoof a little.

The demon tried to high-five him but the blacksmith was too short. He ended up patting him on the head instead “Yeah, we’re cool. Uh we’re going to take care of this right?”

“Yes. Yes, absolutely. Sorry again for the tooth.”

“Oh, this?” He pointed to his tooth “It doesn’t even hurt anymore anyway.”

“No really, I really am sorry! I’m just glad we can take care of this.”

“Yeah, yeah – me too I’m glad too.”

All of a sudden the demon was hit by a ray of lighting!

“--AH! MOTHER OF GOD!” He turned towards the wizard but instead saw “WHAT THE-- OH NO!”

An inexplicable drum roll permeated the air and caught everyone's attention immediately followed by a vertebrae paralyzing guitar rift. A tall figure now appeared before them, towering alongside the wizard.

The baron of hell spoke only one word “DIO?!”

It gave him a condescending grin, then made the devil horns sign with his hands and pointed them at the baron “And here it comes AGAIN!”

Following the rhythm of a slick guitar solo playing in the background, pure melodic lightning coursed from his fingers straight to the baron with enough current to start ten cardiac arrests. “STRAIGHT to the HEART!”

Seizing this opportunity, the wizard opened a portal back to Tartarus from where the demon is standing sealing it with a level 42 incantation “Et ex inferno manent, usque ad petram vincit te!”

Pinkie stared them dead in the eye ‘In Hell you shall remain, until ROCK defeats you again,’ she continued ‘Tartaro clamatis nemo potest eum audire – Oh, this one says ‘In Tartarus, no one can hear you scream.’

The baron of hell then disappeared, never to be seen again – or so it was told.

But the wizard knew his magic can only contain the demon from the realm for so long. Back in his homestead, he prophesied that the demon’s return would coincide with the return of the mare of the moon. The power of DIO’S ROCK would be needed in the coming age once more.

As for the blacksmith, in exchange for his bravery against the demon, he was taught the secret of DIO’s ROCK. He then ventured the land playing his lute in the inns of near and far, sometimes in and out, and deep and hard. Shredding licks way beyond anypony’s capabilities – the music kind of shred too. He made many mares and stallions moist and wanting for his ROCK and also his music.

And so the blacksmith had many descendants. Eventually he filed 12 divorces in his lifetime and received at least 28 child support appeals, rumors say many more had been settled out of court.

At the age of 54, a reality show about him and his 21-year old wife along with their 3 children was launched “That blacksmith who defeated the baron of hell then rocked the entire Equestria’s Family which you are sincerely interested in and are jealous of screwing up in life to make you feel better - show”. It had around 10 million hits every episode which lasted 6 seasons with a total of 128 episodes. It was so successful that it grossed a total of over 24 billion bits which effectively made anypony else feel worse at the time if they looked it up.

Ultimately, at the age of 67 he peacefully died of natural causes. Natural causes for a world renowned rock legend being a drug overdose of Quaaludes after nearly overdosing in a brain exploding concoction of cocaine, weed, opium, cat piss, and meth at various times in his life while battling lung cancer. His obituary read ‘Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll. A true rock star to the end - He lived and died as he were, a total rock head’.

DIO looked upon his handiwork and saw that it was good. He then swore to never teach anypony rock ever again.

Pinkie Pie solemnly rolled up the scroll, letting the words linger in the air “It was said that the blacksmith had so many partners in his lifetime, he’s the reason essentially all ponies have the same face! Bet ya didn’t thought about that before, huh?”

“Wow” Octavia absent mindedly put her hoof on her forehead “That never even bothered me until now…”

Vinyl slowly nodded in amazement.

“All these, because DIO taught him how to rock.” Pinkie rolled up the scroll and placed it back in her cardboard box. “A little bird tells me that the baron’s return is nigh... I know this because a little bird told me… A… tall bird with a large sense of foreboding that calls itself DIO that is.”

"What? DIO told you the demon will appear soon?"

"Yes"

"The… same DIO me and Vinyl met before? That DIO?"

"Yes"

Octavia glanced at Vinyl. She didn’t know why she expected her to say something. Vinyl suddenly saying more than three words would actually be the weirdest thing to happen.

“So, Pinkie. If what the ancient text said is true, then I see all we need to do is to play rock and we should all be fine”

“Well… YEAH. It has to be DIO-level kind of rock though – like Viking lightning power metal conjuring kind of metal as he put it”

Octavia nodded “Okay. Can’t DIO fight the demon instead then if it has to come at that?”

Pinkie stared at her for a moment.

“Uhh…”

“Well?”

A strong gust of wind rattled the bakery. Everypony braced themselves as the wind threw various clutter around every 2.54 centimeters of the room. Lightning struck the middle of the of the room, the lighting blinding them for a moment. It faded to the holy sight of DIO standing before them with the sound of lightning and a crescendo of four E minor strums announce his return - It sounded like ‘EEHHHH! EEHHHH! EEHHHH! EEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!!!’

He dusted some static off his shoulder, wild currents flowed like miniature tesla coils to his fingers with each brush. He turned to them. For some reason she could feel his reflection on her own eyes like savoring the sun’s warmth on your face, but not on your eyes -- and it’s not blinding you so it’s not like the sun at all.

“Well, it’s because I’m going to need a band, Octavia.”

Somewhere in the store, a whole stick of butter melted sorely by the frequency of his voice.

“With both of you on the bandwagon, heaven and hell can’t upstage us.”

His voice had the same tremendous kick of a psychoactive drug. Whenever you take it in, you trip serious bollocks. It makes butter dissolve on its own, for crying out loud.

“Some legs may be broken on the way. Preferably his. It’d be our grand performance… all right, that was bad and I’m out of puns. What do you both say?”

If he told Octavia to jump off a cliff onto a pit of deadly spikes laced with spider venom and boa constrictors waiting in ambush underneath, she would… highly consider it after his voice buys her dinner.

“I’m honored”

“That’s great! How about you Deejay P… zero, N, dash three?”

DJ P0N-3 gave a sympathetic smile and shrugged at him.

“Well alright!” DIO clapped his hand together “Let’s get this show on the--” he stepped on the melted butter and slipped “Woahwoahwoah—“ He tripped backwards then hit his head on the edge of a table.

Just like that, DIO was out cold on the floor.

“Uh oh!” Pinkie rushed towards him “DIO?! Are you alright?”

After her initial shock, Octavia just shook her head in denial “Please do not tell me I traveled for two months just for this to happen”

Redheart is a strong and caring independent mare that tries to accomplish anything she set her mind to. She graduated at a university in Manehatten and was so smart and passionate, her former professors kept saying she would have been better off as an engineer or an actual doctor. She chose to be a nurse though because for her, the personal touches of being a nurse is just as important to the patients as it is for the doctor. Also, college is really really expensive.

She knew that the day she graduates, the first thing she’ll do is to work in her hometown of Ponyville because she knows she’ll be needed at the only hospital in town that surprisingly gets by with only 4 staff members in a town of around 4000 ponies.

Oh, but you’re not interested in her daily grind and somewhat underdog personality. No you’re interested if DIO’s alright. Well okay, then.

Nurse Redheart studied DIO as he laid unconscious on the hospital bed, monitoring his breathing and glancing for any sign of physical trauma. At first, she wasn’t sure where to hook the Electrocardiographic Heart Monitor to but it seemed to be responding alright. It’s the thing that makes those beeping sounds in hospitals. You know, beep… beep… beep

“Breathing is normal. Heart rate is… probably alright. Yep. He’s unconscious alright. He should be fine as long as we don’t disturb him”

“Oooh. How long do you think it would be before he comes to, Nurse Redheart?”

“We don’t really know. Ponies who lose consciousness because of severe concussion tend to be out for usually as a few seconds. There ARE rare cases of unconsciousness lasting for a whole week though, and we’re talking about ponies not… um, DIO”

Nurse Redheart took a medical clipboard from the desk beside DIO “You said he slipped, then hit his head on a table - is that right?”

“Yes. He slipped on a melted stick of butter on the floor that he melted with his voice”

The nurse raised an eyebrow at her “… Okay. Um, well, he should be fine. When he comes to we’ll test his memory and concentration skills, see if he comes out alright from all this. If he shows any signs of degraded motor skills we can order an MRI scan to see if there’s some internal bleeding going on behind the scenes”

“Wow” Octavia put her hoof on her head again “Being knocked out isn’t as simple like in the movies”

“Yes it isn’t” Redheart put away the clipboard “Well, don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll be fine. You can wait at the lobby for your friend if you like”

“Thank you. We’ll do just that, let’s go Pinkie”

On the lobby, they all sat on a bench next to each other. They were quiet for a while until Octavia suddenly snapped at them “I still can’t believe my eyes. Isn’t DIO supposedly magic or some sort? He fought an ancient demon and can make glass breakdance with his voice then all it would take is a conveniently placed melted stick of butter on the floor to knock him OUT?” she shook her head again “It might as well be a banana skin! You realize how stupid this all sound like, right? It’s maddening!”

“DIO’s friends?”

Everypony turned to Redheart peeking from DIO’s room “Please come in. DIO would like to speak to you”

The three hurriedly went in to see DIO peering with half-closed eyes at them. They stood still for a moment until he motioned for them to come closer.

“You’re all staring at me like I have cancer or something. I just hit my head, you know”

“Oh DIO” Pinkie moved in to hug him but caught herself short. Even his half-awake voice is so mesmerizing it gives you the kind of shiver that makes you instinctively reach out to cover your groin “how’re you feeling?”

He darted his eyes around for a bit “I feel... a little light headed, to be honest”

Octavia chimed “I still can’t believe a stick of butter did this”

“Well, old age can do that to you” He laughed a bit to himself. He’s like, what, a few hundred years old? “I need you to listen to me very carefully”

Octavia, Pinkie, and Vinyl gathered around and leaned closer to him like he was about to tell them the most valuable secret in the history of rock.

“I’m about to tell you the most valuable secret in the history of rock. When Starsw-- uh, the master wizard banished the baron from this realm, I trained the blacksmith in the ways of ROCK.

He sucked though.

One day, the wizard showed me a large sharp tooth saying it was the demon’s tooth. With his magic and the power of my ROCK, we fashioned the tooth into an indomitable weapon against demonkind…”

He paused for dramatic effect.

“We called it… The Pick of Destiny…”

He paused again for dramatic effect. The three nodded at the revelation all at the same time, it was a little funny.

“A guitar pick infused a powerful Turn Hell-kind enchantment, it makes the wielder a force against demons to be reckoned with. It enhances the user’s ROCK perception making his riffs and slays pretty friggin metal. It achieves this by using the body’s natural current to flow with the instrument and the heart - making a sync that would be the envy of every musician on the universe because of the natural augmentation of the user’s connection to the ROCK”

The three ponies nodded at him in understanding.

“... You didn’t understand a thing, didn’t you?”

They all shook their heads.

“It makes you play better and sends demons back to hell”

“AAAaahhh” they all said unison. Well, except for Vinyl though, she’s cool as cucumbers.

“It’s why the blacksmith got so good… It was supposed to be his secret weapon, until he abused it of course. What the scroll doesn't mention however, is that the wizard accurately calculated the date of the baron’s return...” he motioned for them to come even closer.

DIO whispered with the caution of a man in danger “He would return exactly four and ten nights before the thousandth summer solstice… and that my friends, is exactly seven days from now”

They stared deep into his eyes, waiting for him to provide a solution as they weigh in the gravity of their situation.

“You must find and defeat the baron! Train in the ways of ROCK as you search for The Pick of Destiny! Pinkie Pie will help you on your quest”

Octavia chimed in abruptly “Wait, hold on - can’t Princess Celestia defeat him or something? Why does it have to be us?”

He responded to this Hero won’t accept destiny laid upon him cliché by doing the Stubbornly telling them it is their destiny cliché “Studying the alignment of the stars, (Yes, he’s an astrologist too) he prophesied that two mares with the heart for ROCK will ultimately defeat him once and for all… you two are those mares, Octavia and spiky blue-haired guy. It is your destiny. I’ve been looking for you my entire life. You are the One. Two. You are the Two. You are the Chosen Two”

They all kept silent. The tension in the air suddenly made them feel cold. It was so until Octavia yet again tries to be the voice of reason “Why are you suddenly laying this down on all of us? What happened to ‘I’ll be needing a band’?”

The man tiredly breathed in the cold air “I don’t feel so good… I’m still a little dizzy. I don’t feel like I can play and... I might not recover in time, I don’t know”

“He should stay here” everypony turned to Redheart “He technically doesn’t need to be in the hospital, but we can have him recover here for as long as he needs to”

Octavia turned back to him “Where can we find the… the Pick of Destiny?”

He raised his hand at her “Before you can use the Pick of Destiny, you must prove yourself worthy first… you must first train in the ways of ROCK before you can fully use its power”

“Yes, but where can we find the Pick of Destiny? Where is it right now?”

He turned away from her gaze and shut his eyes, seemingly trying to remember something “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Ask, and you shall receive”

“What?”

“Though I walk through the valley and shadow of death, I will fear no evil”

“... Huh?”

“War… War never changes…”

“... … … You don’t know where it is, do you?”

“No idea”

Dedication

Dedication

DEDICATED WITH LOVE TO

RONNIE JAMES DIO

ARTIST. SINGER. POET. LEGEND.

Whose music inspires me and so many others to rock on. I don't play any instrument though so all my headbang to you DIO.

(1982 – 2010)

Disclaimer: Although I am a fan of his and his band DIO's music I have never personally met the man nor any of his friends and family. - In case you know, I convince you or something.