A Curious Case of Immortality

by billymorph

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1563

Worried about her friends' mortality, Twilight hatches a daring plan. She probably should have told them about it first.

Worried about her friends' mortality, Twilight hatches a daring plan. She probably should have told them about it first.

With thanks to, Lord of Dorkness, docontra, Luna-tic Scientist and JCatt for their help pre-reading.

Published 2016-07-09 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-09 20:30:01 UTC

A Curious Case Of Immortality

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Rarity roared, her voice echoing through the halls of the castle.

Twilight paused, mid-spell. Pink sparks poured from her horn, casting the dim laboratory into a harsh light and shade. With a clipped sigh she snapped, “Spike! Tell Rarity that I’m not seeing visitors today.”

Shaking her head, Twilight began to gather magic back into her horn. The hoof-sized piece of pink quartz before her began to glow in sympathy, even as the shadows drew in deeper around the alicorn. The air thrummed with barely constrained power and Twilight’s eyes turned black as she poured still more of herself into the heart of—

There was a sudden bang and the door to the lab flew open, bathing the ritual in sudden light. Twilight let out an undignified yelp of surprise, her wings flying open. With an earsplitting boom, a lightning bolt arced from the crystal to one of the many grounding rods set up around the lab and Twilight threw herself forwards to catch the crystal before it hit the floor.

“Spike!” she exclaimed, running a hoof over the quartz. “What did I just say?”

“She didn’t take no for an answer,” Spike protested from the doorway, as hoofsteps echoed through the lab behind her.

“Twilight,” Rarity hissed, her voice like cut glass. “I would like a word.”

Twilight was always amazed by Rarity’s use of the Equine language. She never would have thought anypony could use ‘word’ as such an effective threat before she’d met Rarity.

“Rarity, I’m sorry but it's going to have to wait,” she said, carefully resting the crystal in the centre of the arcane circle. “I’m in the middle of a very delicate piece of—” She turned. “—oh sweet Celestia, there’s a pipe through your barrel!”

Rarity, despite the feather-wide section of copper embedded in her chest just below her shoulder, rolled her eyes. “Yes, darling, I had noticed,” she continued, tapping a hoof against it. “It seems that, despite earning their cutie-marks, the Crusaders are still a hazard to everything in a hundred-hoof radius. However, I was particularly concerned by the fact that a pipe has penetrated through, what my passing grasp of anatomy tells me is, my lung. Now, while I don’t particularly relish the thought of drowning in my own blood, I do believe it is the customary response. Do you have anything to say about the situation?”

“Uhh...” Twilight’s eyes flicked to the circle and back again. In the distance she could hear the rapid-fire click of claws on crystal as Spike beat a hasty retreat. “No?”

“Really, darling?” Rarity shot back, arching an eyebrow.

Twilight swallowed. “Okay, may~be I might know a little bit about what’s going on. Actually, it’s a rather funny story. You’re going to laugh when you hear it.”

Rarity’s glower deepened.

Twilight wilted, her ears folding flat “Or... maybe you won’t.”

A deep sigh escaped Rarity and she pressed her hoof against her brow. “Twilight does this have anything to do with the whole ‘immortality’ thing you’ve been going through.” She took the guilty silence as an affirmative. “Darling, I sympathise I truly do. But I would also prefer to be told if I was going to become an unholy abomination of magic gone too far.”

“You’re not an abomination!” Twilight exclaimed. Rarity cocked an eyebrow at her and gestured at the bloodless wound. “Well, technically speaking you’re a lich. But—” She held up a hoof as Rarity opened her mouth to speak. “—it’s just a temporary thing.”

“A lich?” Disdain dripped from Rarity’s voice. “A withered shell of a pony who clings to life by draining the souls of the living? I’m afraid to say that I would rather die,” she said, shuddering.

“Oh, no no no, that couldn’t be further from the truth.” Twilight levitated a book, a proper dread tome bound in what looked worryingly like leather, over from a nearby shelf. “Though it’s a very common misconception. See, lichdom just locks a body in its current state, leaving evil withered old mages still withered. By locking you into the spell now, I can keep you in the prime of youth for as long as it takes to come up with a more permanent solution. Or figure out how to turn ponies into alicorns, whichever comes first.”

Rarity sighed. “And the soul eating?”

“Heh...” Twilight blushed. “Well, as an alicorn I have a lot of soul to go around.” She met Rarity’s sceptical glare. “Okay, so it’s not a perfect solution but—but!—I have backup plans.” The tome zipped back onto the shelf and was replaced by an equally evil alternative. “How about instead of a phylactery, I put your soul into a statue? Complete immunity to ageing, harm and a snazzy new look. May involve some, if not total, loss of sensation in the extremities.”

Rarity’s sceptical look deepened. “I really don’t think that’s an option, darling.”

“Okay, okay. How about—” Another book soared over. “—Ah, this is a good one. I can enchant a portrait to age for you... oh, but more soul eating. Okay, well how do you feel about reincarnation? I’ll need to figure out a selective breeding program for Sweetie Belle but–” She glanced up at Rarity who was glowering, her hoof tapping against the pipe. “So, not that either. How about I transform you into a dragon? They have a far longer lifespan and grow to be immeasurably strong. Spike actually suggested this one awhile back.”

“Twilight,” Rarity tried to interrupt.

“Or we could try something with phoenix fire,” Twilight continued, growing panicky as she brought forth a veritable wall of books. “It didn’t end well for the last dozen ponies who tried it but I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“Twilight.”

“You know, I’m ninety percent sure Vinyl Scratch is a vampony, maybe we could get her to bite you.”

“Twilight!” Rarity exclaimed, finally stilling the babble of ideas.

“Darling,” she continued with another sigh. “I understand why you’re so worried for us, truly I am, but do you really think this is the right solution? Sitting in a dark room casting dark magics just to try and stave off the inevitable? I know thinking about the day we won’t be here hurts and I’ll miss each and every one of you. But, you can’t encase the world in crystal and call it saved.”

Twilight hung her head. “I know,” she said, her voice a mere croak. Quietly the books slipped back onto the shelves. “But I’d never forgive myself if Rainbow Dash died in a stunt when I could have saved her. We always end up in so much danger I had to do something.” She let out a little chuckle. “Come to think of it I’m a little surprised you’re the first pony who found out.”

“Well, I suppose that’s fair.” Rarity sighed. “But I would like you to put my soul back where you found it. I’d prefer not to be known as the wicked sorceress of Ponyville. There are some gifts that should only belong to alicorns.”

“Okay.” Twilight let out a long sigh, more of resignation than acceptance. “Do you want me to remove the pipe first, or–”

“Yes, I want you to remove the pipe,” Rarity snapped, then seemed to remember her composure. “If you wouldn’t mind. And after that we shall, as a group, discuss our newfound lichdom before anypony else gets impaled.”

“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie burst into the room, her hooves beating a staccato rhythm. The mare tripped over her own hooves a few paces from the door and collapsed in a pile of limbs. Her fore-leg rolled free of the heap and stopped at Twilight’s hooves.

Pinkie picked herself up a shook herself. “Oh, hi Rarity,” she said, teetering on three legs. “Have you done something with your hair?”

“Umm...” Rarity goggled at the mare.

“Oh, right. Twilight can you stick my leg back on?” she said, bounding forwards. “I’ve tried everything, duct tape, duck tape, even gator tape and let me tell you, Gummy was not happy about that last one.” She grabbed her leg and held it up against her barrel, which was still festooned with loose tape. “Urgh, this is the last time I let the twins play with the clothesline.”

“Um...” Twilight shook herself. “Okay.” She lowered her horn and applied a quick adhesion spell.

“Yay!” Pinkie clapped her forehooves together, rolling her newly reattached shoulder. “Thanks Twilight! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a gator in a 'time out' to deal with. See you later!.”

With a parting grin Pinkie turned and bounced off.

Rarity stared after her for a long moment.

“Well of course Pinkie would be fine with it,” Rarity said, sighing. “Still, I believe my point stands.”

“Actually, I haven’t finished the spell for Pinkie yet.” Twilight frowned, glancing over her shoulder at the pink crystal that lay lifeless in the centre of the spell circle.

“Huh...” Rarity looked down at the pipe, then up at Twilight. “So, tell me again how you fixed the soul eating problem?”

Author's Note

Writen for the FiM Write-Off - It's Your Funeral and heavily updated. If you'd like to see the original 750 word limited version, it can be found here.

Update: This story now has a reading done by the wonderful TheArchitect