A Human Arrives

by Kezraux

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Tragedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6
Length: 4227

A human arrives, prepared to have some fun! He's packed everything! A toothbrush, throwing knives, a club, liquor, a healing potion, a pillowcase—but no pillow— and a stuffed animal vaguely reminiscent of a cat. It's gonna be pretty great, you gu

A human arrives in the pleasant little town of Ponyville, pushing the idea that, if you really try, just acting stupid and being rude and standoffish can yield amazing results! As some potato farmers in Ireland think, cloudy days generally mean less friendly attitudes and more stress buildup. And the human has seen a lot of cloudy days. What better way to release stress than to visit the most friendly place in the known universe?
I knew a guy named Boris in high school, and he had the largest hands ever. He could palm a watermelon, you guys. A watermelon.

Published 2016-07-11 01:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-12 23:37:00 UTC

Chapter Zero

It was a day in Ponyville that was basically like every other day in Ponyville. This isn't inherently a bad thing, but it does mean that nopony was particularly paranoid or on-guard, which would have been helpful considering what was due. On this day, Twilight Sparkle was at the market with her slave Spike and a bag of bits, prepared to buy some fruits and veggies. She saw her friend Applejack's stall, and decided to say hello since there seemed to be no customers there.

"Hey Applejack!" Twilight yelled with a slightly fake cheerfulness, approaching the stall. "How's business?"

"Not great, 'Twi," Applejack replied simply, resting her head on her hoof in a disappointed fashion, fishing for sympathy. Spike looked confused, and started to speak.

"Not great? Why—"

"Oh, that's too bad!" Twilight interrupted, kicking Spike in the ribs with her hind leg. "I'll tell you what, Applejack. I'll take ten apples!" Twilight exclaimed, slamming her hoof on the stall with a fierce confidence. Applejack's ears perked up, but she tried to look sad. Spike still looked confused.

"You don't have to do all that, 'Twi. Don't go taking pity on me like that," Applejack replied with a hollow stubbornness.

"Nonsense, Applejack! It's no trouble at all!" Twilight said, a grin plastered on her face. "I need apples anyways, and it's a great excuse to help a friend!" Applejack shuffled her hooves and smiled.

"Well shucks, Twilight. If it's really no trouble..."

"Not at all! I insist!" Twilight insisted, floating five bits out of her bag and placing them on the stall counter.

"Well darn, thank you kindly Twilight! This'll help out with—"

Applejack was interrupted by an eerie noise similar to the sound of paper tearing. A silver door flashed into existence in the market, not far from Applejack and Twilight. It opened. Inside was a figure, shrouded by billowing fog. The figure stepped out of the door, and into Ponyville, amidst gasps and stares.

It was the human, naturally, in all of his bipedal glory.

The human stood about six feet tall, and wore light leather armor and a dark cloak. A hood covered his face in deep shadow. His club was in his right hand, and rested on his shoulder. His boots glowed with a wispy blue light.

While most of the ponies just stared, one mint pony suddenly bolted towards the human with alarming speed. The human looked at the fast-approaching green blur and readied his club. He swung it down suddenly. The green unicorn's horn snapped, and its head cracked like an eggshell. Blood sprayed out onto the nearby onlookers, and a pale yellow pony cried out.

"Lyra! No!" Bon Bon screamed, before running at the human, cursing and making filthy horse noises.

"Geez, these things have weak bones," the human said to himself. He took a notebook out of his pocket and wrote in it with a small pen. He placed the notebook back when he was finished, and gripped his club again. He swung it sideways this time, and it crashed into the approaching Bon Bon with incredible force. The pony's small body was flung to the side violently, knocking into Applejack's stall and demolishing it. The wood splintered and the whole structure collapsed comically, sending apples flying everywhere. The panic began.

"Alright, that's it!" Applejack's dirty hick voice stuck out amongst the din of screaming and galloping. She got to her hooves, adjusted her hat for a brief moment, then rushed at the human, pivoting at the last moment to deliver a kick to his leg. The human jumped back, avoiding the dangerous attack while laughing at Applejack's atrocious accent.

"Stay still, you varmint!" Applejack raged, rushing towards the human.

One quick strike of the club removed Applejack from the realm of the living. The human stood up proudly, resting his club on his shoulder and strutting in a large circle.

"Anyone else wanna get destroyed?" he shouted, beckoning with his arm and slamming his club into nearby ponies at random. Twilight furiously charged a spell and loosed it at the human, who thrusted his hips out and snaked around the projectile.

"Nice try, you worthless animal!" the human shouted, before taking a knife out of one of his cloak pockets and sending it whizzing towards Twilight. Right before the knife could dig into Twilight's throat, a cyan and rainbow form knocked it out of the air. This, of course, was Rainbow Dash.

"Alright, you big jerk!" Rainbow Dash screamed into the human's face, hovering in front of him like an oversized gnat. "What do you think you're doing, hurting my friends and—"

"Ka—BOOM!"

The club obliterated Rainbow Dash's skull and sent her crashing into the dirt.

Spike decided that now was the time to ditch the panicking Twilight and book it back to the library.

"Aw, are you gonna run away, little dragon?" the human shouted with cruel venom in his voice. The little purple dragon kept running.

"Spike, wait! I don't know what's going on!" Twilight screeched hoarsely, tears running down her face. The little purple dragon kept running. The human walked up behind Twilight, sighing melodramatically.

"Well, I guess friendship really isn't magic," he said, smiling smugly. Twilight turned, staring up at the human with a terrible mixture of shock and hatred.

The shock wore off. Twilight's face contorted, and a beam of purple light bursted from her horn, slamming into the human's chest and throwing him back. The human rolled a few feet from the force of the impact, And a smoking hole was visible in his torso. Twilight felt the taste of relief on her tongue, only to have it yanked away by Mr. Miyagi's chopsticks as the human stood up, chugged from a dull green bottle, and then raised his club yet again. The hole in his chest was slowly getting smaller.

"Not bad, purple thing," the human drawled. "Bet you can't do that again."

Twilight was more than willing to try.

Author's Note

Ah.

Chapter One

The fight didn't last very long. Twilight rained a storm of magical projectiles and complex spells down onto the human, who proceeded to dodge every single one. The situation was akin to a rather devious, athletic adult crashing a first grade dodgeball game and mocking the stupid children with his vast superiority.

Twilight finally sagged to the ground, her magic depleted.

"Aw, is that it?" the human said. Twilight shot him a deathly look.

"No. That's not it, you—"

Twilight was interrupted by the human's club slamming into her windpipe. Twilight flew back, spinning and bleeding, and crashed through Applejack's demolished stall to land on top of Bon Bon's body.

"Precision, everybody," the human said, taking a deep breath and lifting his chin. "It's important," he finished, a small smile on his face.

Of course, all of the ponies were now nestled deep in their hastily reinforced homes, scared to even look outside. The human was left with nobody to talk to again. With a blank look on his face, the human contemplated the events leading to this point. The day had started normally. He had been in his tiny overtaxed house—on Earth—and had eaten a nice breakfast of orange juice, eggs and toast. Then, he had settled down to do some relaxing online shopping. In fact, today had been a perfectly normal, completely average Saturday.

. : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : .

That was, until his phone rang.

The human picked it up because he did not want to be rude. Plus, nobody ever called him.

"H-hello, there?" the human stuttered into his little blue house phone.

"Crystaaals. . ." a deep, raspy voice said through the phone. The human's arm twitched nervously.

"Who is t-this?" the human tried to sound demanding and confident, but he came off as more of a hermaphroditic lemur. There was silence for a long while, before the voice spoke.

"It's King Sombra," King Sombra said.

"I don't know what that means, and you're kind of scaring me. I'm gonna hang up—"

"Don't hang up you dumb monkey! I have a proposition for you!"

"I don't want your propane! And don't you call me a dumb monkey! I'm screening this call you asshole, I will sue you!" the human shouted. King Sombra was silent for two minutes.

"Sorry about the. . .crystals thing," he finally whispered. "I get a little excited, sometimes."

"Y-yeah, I know what you mean. I can't talk to girls, and I'm a huge nerd for my Japanese animes. I have a collection of Lucky Star figures, if you wanna c—"

"Alright then!" Sombra interrupted quickly. The human heard a deep, stressed sigh over the phone. "Listen pal, I just need you to walk out your front door. And that's all I need you to do for now. Can you do that for me?"

"Well, yeah, sure," The human replied. He was genuinely curious now, as the situation involved his house and property.

"Great. Do that. You can hang up now," Sombra whispered.

"Okay. I'm gonna hang up, then I'm gonna walk out my front door."

"That's all good. You go ahead and do that," Sombra said.

"Alright, bye."

"Bye."

The human hung up, then stood up from his armchair and walked to the front door. Without a moment's hesitation, he opened it and briskly strode into someplace that was definitely not his front yard. Shadows and ice surrounded him, and glowing crystals of every possible color grew on the rocky walls. He was in a cave of some sort, he realized, and it was very spacious.

The human turned to leave, but his front door was gone. In its place was a small cloud of darkness, radiating with purple light.

"Hello, my primate friend! It is I, King Sombra!" Sombra said, glowing as his voice rang out.

"Why are you a cloud?" The human asked.

"I just am, okay? I was defeated some time ago, and this is my weaker form. Now, are you gonna help me or not?"

"Sure. This is already the most interesting day of my life."

"Good, then listen. There's a reason we're in this cave. I have a stash of magical gear in here that you can use. I know how to get in, and I'm gonna get you in as well," Sombra said, floating closer to the human. "Then, we're gonna go out and beat all of our enemies up. Well, all of my enemies. All of your enemies are probably still back on Earth."

"Woah, we're not on Earth anymore?"

"No, and thank goodness. Now, are you prepared?"

"I suppose, but can I ask you some questions?"

"Yeah, but you might wanna wait. You're not safe in these caves unless you're constantly moving."

"Alright, I'm prepared, then," the human replied slowly, although he certainly wasn't prepared. The human was confused, scared, and didn't have the slightest idea if he was going insane or not. But still, a surging sense of adventure tugged him along stronger than ever before.

Sombra nodded. Well, as much as a floating black cloud can nod, at least.

"Then, follow me," Sombra said, before floating off further into the cave. The human followed Sombra's faint glow at a jog, flinching every time he heard a noise and keeping a hand on his telescopic baton. He was the definition of scared bitch. As they moved, Sombra delved into a conversation about Equestria and his plans for world domination, and complained about how long it took for him to learn a "Teleephone Spell". The conversation was mostly one sided, as the human jogged on quietly.

The cave split into two, and Sombra went to the left. The human followed. The left passageway then split into four, and Sombra went to the far right. The cave split into eight after that, and continued splitting, always with two times as more splits as the last. Sombra didn't even appear to think or reach through his memory as he navigated the ever-complicating cavern system. The human found himself out of breath most of the time, heaving and holding his knees. And of course, kind Sombra waited for him, offering moral support through cloudspeak and light precipitation.

"You can do it, primate! Just a few more splits, then we're to the door!" Sombra yelled.

"F-fuck off!" the human screamed between breaths, jogging sluggishly after Sombra's cloud. By this point they were at 4096 separate splits, and it took longer to choose a path than to travel through one. The human continued slowly, coughing and retching. Sombra floated above him and began dribbling a dark purple liquid.

"This will help you breathe!" Sombra yelled, spraying more liquid onto the human's head.

"Oh god, what the fuck is this!?" the human screamed furiously, slapping the liquid off of him and running blindly in circles. "It smells like my high school math tutor! What's your fucking problem, dude!?" the human continued, angrily pointing at Sombra, who muttered an apology and continued floating through the cave. The human ranted on a while longer about personal space and how much he hated silly string as a kid. There was a long period of awkward walking after that, until Sombra turned a sudden corner, and they faced a large mahogany door. The door was lined with gold on the edges, and a plaque on the door read The Club.

"We are here!" Sombra exclaimed happily, his cloud swirling in a small, excited tornado.

"W-we're going to a club?" the human asked, reading the nameplate on the door. "I don't like social interaction much, it makes me queasy," he started, but Sombra was having none of it.

"Just be quiet and trust me," Sombra whispered, phasing through the door and then phasing back to the human. "Okay, so, there's a minotaur guardian in that room, and we need something in that room. You're gonna have to sneak past him, get the club, then sneak to the next room.

"Now, the door across from this one is the door to the next room. The other doors are all fake, got it?" Sombra said, turning to the human.

"Yes, sir!" the human shouted, saluting comically before giving in to a fit of chuckles.

"Hilarious. Now, the minotaur guard is gonna be walking the perimeter of the room. Just stay out of his sight. I'm gonna be in there with you to help get the club, which is in the center of the room. There's some sort of riddle or puzzle, if my memory serves," Sombra said, his cloud glowing a bit less for the purpose of stealth. "I ask again, are you prepared?"

"I think so," the human replied, his voice squeaky.

"Very well," Sombra said mirthfully, his cloud floating in front of the door. "Let us get down to business."

The human flashed a nervous smile in response, then approached the door. He placed a shaky hand on the knob. It stayed there for a long moment.

"Come on, just do it!" Sombra cheered, floating energetically. The human found a sliver of confidence, and turned the knob before pulling the door open quickly. The wooden door moved, its hinges squeaking loudly. It then slammed into the rock wall with a noisy thunk.

"Oh, no. That was way too loud," Sombra commented. The human turned and shot Sombra an incredulous look.

"You were literally just shouting, like, really damn loud!"

"Yeah, but you're the only person who can hear it. It's magical shouting, you ape."

"Wha—"

"No time for arguing, you alerted the minotaur!" Sombra magically shouted. The human turned back towards the door and looked up.

Lo and behold, there was the minotaur.

Author's Note

we're doing it

Chapter Two

The minotaur guardian was huge. That is to say, it had black fur, was extremely muscular, wore nothing but a jockstrap and was about ten feet tall, embarrassing the human's inferior six feet height immediately and establishing predator-prey dominance.

The minotaur walked through the door, reached out a large hand, and plucked the human up from the ground by the front of his Naruto tee-shirt.

"Aw, no! No!" the human screamed, immediately flailing and whacking the minotaur guardian's log of an arm with his baton.

Now, looking a minotaur guardian dead in the eyes is an unpleasant experience for many. This is because that if you are a mammal, looking one such guardian in the eyes without magical protection is guaranteed to cause you to urinate, become completely paralyzed, and stop breathing. If you're a reptile looking the minotaur guardian in the eyes, your tail falls off. And supposedly, if you're a reptile whose tail has already fallen off, your head explodes. In sum, it can absolutely ruin one's first impression of minotaurs. They're actually quite polite.

Sombra decided to step in. First, he zoomed to the human and casted a small magic barrier onto him, more than strong enough to repel the minotaur guardian's gaze.

The human still peed his pants, though.

Next, Sombra floated above the minotaur guardian, who was now punching the human repeatedly in the face, and began leaking purple liquid onto its head. The minotaur guardian looked up, distracted. Once the punching stopped, the human saw through his right eye—the other was swollen shut—a fat slice of hope and survival. He swung his baton as low as he could, towards the minotaur guardian's jockstrap. It struck true with a powerful, wet thud, and the minotaur immediately dropped the human and fell backwards. Its head whipped against the cave floor, and the ground shook. Immediately, blood began leaking onto the stone. The minotaur guardian didn't get up.

Sombra wiggled with surprise.

"Perfect! Testicles are the weakness of any male! You are a fast thinker, my hairless chimpanzee friend!"

"T-that thing was huge! What's going on? What the hell did you get me into!?" the human screamed, contracting his baton and backing away from the minotaur guardian on the ground. "I don't want any part, of-of any of this! Take me home, this is insane!" he continued, while Sombra just floated quietly through the door and into the next room, which was a large stone chamber with a smaller, more crystalized room in the center. "There's giant beefed-up cow-men, and magic clouds, and doors—Just take me home, now!" the human finished, jogging after Sombra and glaring at him.

"Geez. You just beat a giant minotaur guardian, man," Sombra replied, turning to the human. "Have some pride, they're like, two times stronger than regular minotaurs. Plus, don't you want the club?"

"Why would I want a damned club?" the human said.

"Well. . . it's magical," Sombra replied, as if it was the obvious answer. The human's glare turned into the frown of someone extremely deep in thought.

. : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : .

Soon they were in the small crystal room in the center of the larger room, bashing ideas against one another about what to do next. Their predicament was a large white crystal claw protruding from a pedestal in the center of the room. In its grasp was an oversized, cartoon-like club with a haunting red glow. It was stuck, tight.

"Well," the human said tiredly, taking out his handy-dandy notebook from his pocket. "We've tried pulling the club out, pushing the club out, asking nicely, demanding rudely, screaming, waiting, gently stroking the claw, trying to pry the claw open, and hitting the claw with my baton," the human said, going down the list. "All the while, there's no hint of any puzzles or riddles in this room."

"I know, I know," Sombra growled, floating in tight, angry circles. "I can remember my way around this dump, but I have no idea what we're supposed to do here. If only it was a black crystal claw, then I'd be able to open it. Something's missing, I can feel it.

"Well, the last time you were here, the minotaur was in the room, right?" the human asked. Sombra twitched, then flew to the edge of the room. The minotaur's walking path was made clear by a strip of pale, scratched-up stone all the away around the perimeter of the room. Sombra lowered himself and examined the floor closely. He noticed a small edge separating the minotaur's walkway with the rest of the room.

"Wow. You're smart, and I'm not even joking around this time. The minotaur's walking path is one large pressure plate," Sombra said, before floating back to the door they came in through. "You'll have to drag his body back in here, though, because I'm just a cloud."

"Fine, but that thing better be dead, and not just unconscious," the human said, jogging back through the door. He returned with the minotaur in tow, and set it on the edge.

"So, it's dead?"

"I think so, but I hit it ten times in the head with my baton to be sure."

"Nice," Sombra replied, chuckling before floating back to the crystal room. The human followed, cleaning his baton with his shirt.

The crystal room was different now. Three tiny, ghostly crystal ponies were now on the pedestal with the claw and club. Each was about the size of a human fist. One was shivering, one was standing proudly, and one was angry. The human glanced at Sombra. "Does this ring any bells for you?" he asked the dark cloud. Sombra hovered in the air for a moment, then spoke.

"Yes. You have to assist them, I think," Sombra replied, floating above the small, shivering pony. Thoughts circled in the human's head, before he finally settled on one. He took a small handkerchief from his pocket and draped it over the shivering pony. It curled up in the handkerchief, smiled, and disappeared with a poof of glitter.

The handkerchief disappeared too.

"What the fuck? I need that back, you bitch!" the human yelled, eliciting a sigh from Sombra.

"Don't worry about it, just on to the next one. We can't stay here too long," Sombra said, glowing dully. The human nodded slowly, before turning to look at the proud little pony. It was sticking out its chest and neck arrogantly, and extending a pair of large wings. The human extended his pointer finger, placed it on the pony's head, and pushed it down to a normal level. The pony frowned in a rather cute manner, then disappeared in a puff of sparkles, leaving one pony left. This pony was angry, and sported a long horn on its head.

"What's with these ugly ass horse things, anyways?" the human inquired. Sombra floated smugly.

"They're ponies, and you're going to topple their society once we're done here. But that can wait. Help the angry little pony, there."

"Er—I mean, alright," the human said, facing the irritated ghost pony. "Can you calm down, please?" the human asked as nicely as he could. A small ghost spell flew into the human's nose, exploding with crystals and sparkles.

"Ow!" the human yelled, jumping back. "It hit me with something!"

"Yeah, I saw it, it was pretty funny. Now cheer the little pony up already," Sombra drawled, causing the human to shoot him a sharp glance before turning back to the task at hand. The pony was still very mad. The human went for a different approach, and lifted a finger to poke the pony. Before he could make contact, the pony dipped its head and stabbed his finger with its horn.

"FUCK!"

The human flailed wildy, before slamming an angry fist down onto the ghostly unicorn, who squeaked in pain before disappearing. Sombra's cloud twitched violently.

"You fool! You're not supposed to—"

The claw opened, and the club fell down onto the pedestal. Sombra floated closer.

"What? But, you smashed the pony!"

"Maybe it's a life lesson," the human suggested, sucking his bleeding fingertip. "Like, you can't please everyone—"

"Shut up. Just pick up the club, and go through the door across from the one we came through," Sombra said. "Trust me, you're gonna love this. The human complied, picking up the club. It was heavy. So heavy, in fact, that it had to be dragged along the cave floor, rather than lifted.

"What the hell is this thing made of?" the human asked. Sombra glowed as he responded.

"It's made of hickory hardwood, and it has an enchantment that multiplies force in whatever direction you want to swing it in. Without that enchantment on your weapon, these ponies will bounce right back from physical attacks. They can survive damned anvils falling on their heads, these things," Sombra explained. The human nodded in understanding (although he didn't understand), then dragged the club all the way to the next door. The plaque on this door read, Sombra's Stash.

"We're here! My goodness, I feel so giddy," Sombra whispered. "Go on, open it! I want to go through this moment together!"

Taking a deep breath, the human opened the door and walked in.