You're a Lesbian, Spike!

by Lise

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Spike, Comedy
Length: 2656

The night of his coming of age party, Spike learns that he is a lesbian. Rainbow Dash patiently explains why.

Spike has finally come of age. To mark the occasion, Twilight and her friends organized a party.

Spike expected that. However, he never expected to learn something that would change his entire outlook on life. Good thing Rainbow Dash is there to provide some answers.

WARNING! Contains alcohol and suggestive topic references!

Reading by ScarlettBlade. (Many thanks, Caprain!)

Written for the 12th F*** this prompt! contest (of Rage Reviews).

Special thanks to Malefactory for editing.

Published 2016-07-10 22:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-10 22:40:01 UTC

Trust me!

The birthday was great, but also terrible. Spike had never seen so many of his friends gathered in one place. He had also never seen them so drunk. Apparently, moving from dragon whelp to full fledged dragon was considered a big deal. It didn't help that Rainbow Dash had invited everypony to her ridiculously large house, which had also been stocked with enough hard cider to sink an armada of ships. The silliest part of it all was that Spike himself had never developed a taste for alcohol. Being raised hawkishly by Twilight, he had never done any of the things that were now "expected" of him. The guests, on the other hand, had indulged as if there was no tomorrow.

"Aww, how quickly they grow up," Rarity had said, pinching his cheeks. "Why, seems like only yesterday that Spikey-Wikey had the dearest crush on me. And look at him now — a dragon that would sweep mares off their hooves."

Spike hadn't said anything. Instead, he had smiled politely, made a casual joke or two, discreetly left, then locked himself in Rainbow Dash's bedroom with a case of cider. He definitely didn't feel like he could sweep any mare off her hooves. Also, it actually had been yesterday that he had had a crush on Rarity.

The first bottle tasted bitter. The second and third had a more bitter-sour aroma that stuck to his throat. The fourth had an unexpected sweetness in it, like burned sugar. From then on it didn't seem to matter. Each next tasted okay, though slightly on the meh side. Everything else looked better, though… somehow brighter and more filled with colour.

"What's the big deal with drinking anyway?" Spike went to the window. The sky was nice. The smaller stars were even dancing. "And what’s with this birthday? It's not like I've sprung wings or anything."

"You kidding?" Rainbow Dash shouted from below, causing the dragon to jump back, bump into the bed, then fall flat on his face.

I can't believe I did that, Spike thought as he lay motionless on the floor. The experience seemed so exceedingly funny, he couldn't stop laughing about it.

"Big birthdays are the best!" Rainbow flew in, two mugs of cider in her hooves. In zigzag fashion she successfully fluttered above the bed, then flopped down with the grace of a bag of apples. You’re so drunk, Rainbow! Spike chuckled.

“Drink?” She handed him a mug. Spike’s hesitation ended before it began. Pulling himself, he grabbed the mug with both hands, then sat down on the bed. He was just about to take a gulp, when the pegasus switched the the mug he was holding for an empty one, then downed it before he could figure out what was going on.

“Aww! Not cool, Rainbow!” He pouted, only to receive laugh and a friendly shove. Even drunk Rainbow kept on being Rainbow. “Are things still wild downstairs?”

“As if!” Rainbow threw the empty mug on the floor. “Twi got really drunk after three pints, then went all weepy and sobby.” The pegasus paused, diverting her attention to the mug in Spike’s hands. “Something mushy about you growing up too fast, moving out, settling down and starting a family.” With extreme slowness she began pushing Spike’s mug while she spoke.

“Cool." Spike kept his attention on the mug, expecting it to fall any moment. Love you, Twi. You're, like, the best big sis ever! Gravity finally took over, tilting the mug and bringing it crashing to the floor.

“Yesss!” Rainbow and Spike shouted in unison.

“Shame it won't happen,” the pegasus yawned, stretching her wings.

“Wha?” Spike looked at her, pulling back slightly so as to keep her feathers out of his face.

“That family thing.” Rainbow tucked her wings back in. “Never going to happen.”

“That's cold, bro.” The dragon frowned. Gee, thanks, Rainbow! I had just forgotten why I crawled up here to get drunk. “And it could happen! Sure, I blew it with Rarity—” The pegasus gave him a look that screamed “you never had a chance” “—but things are cool with Ember.”

Rainbow Dash sighed. "Spike," she placed her hoof on the dragon's shoulder, "Twilight never gave you the talk, eh?"

"The talk?" Spike blinked. Somehow that didn't sound at all reassuring. "You're drunk, RD! You don't know what you're talking about."

"As if!" The pegasus puffed her chest up. "I know stuff! And I'm gonna tell you. Just don't freak out on me, okay?”

A wave of uncertainty swept through the dragon’s entire body. He had no idea what Rainbow was about to say, but his mind had already come up with a list of possibilities, each as bad as the last. Was there something wrong with him? Had he been doomed to remain alone since birth?

"S-s-sure." He swallowed. Why the heck did I say that?

"Spike, you're a lesbian, bro." Rainbow tapped him reassuringly on the shoulder.

"Wait, what?" The dragon's brain refused to function. There were a million and one things he was expecting Rainbow to say, none of them remotely close to what he had just heard. "I'm a what?!" he shouted.

"You know, there's this thing when—"

"I know what it means!" He covered her mouth with both hands, then looked around to make sure nopony had snuck into the room. "But that’s not like… I mean… like, it's impossible…” It’s a joke! Right, Rainbow? You're just messing with me here. Right? Right?!

"Trust me, I know." Rainbow nodded sagely. "Been there, done that." She relaxed down on the bed, eyes barely open.

No surprises there. Spike had always suspected her of being one. But himself? He hadn't even considered the possibility. It was like a penguin realizing it was actually a bird.

“You sure?” Nah, she has to be wrong! “Cause I might be a double false positive special exception that—”

“Spike, you’re a lesbian!” Rainbow grumbled, reaching blindly for her pillow. The dragon looked at her silently for a few seconds, then annoyed at how she managed to miss the pillow each time, shoved it into her hooves. A content smile appeared on her face.

“Oh,” he said ten seconds later. “Can you prove it?”

“Spiiike!” Rainbow cracked an eye open. If there was one thing she hated more than anything was to have her sleep disturbed. “Look, bro, it's simple! Take me! I'm awesome!” Somehow Spike failed to see the relevance in that statement, but nodded nonetheless. “When I see a hot mare I think ‘that's one cool mare!’ and go tell her how awesome I am.” That bit Spike could picture perfectly. “When you see a hot mare what do you do?”

“Shit!” Spike grabbed his head with both hands. I really am a lesbian!

"Hey, don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong," Rainbow Dash yawned, fighting to stay awake. "There are lots of—"

"Wait!" He raised a finger in the air. "Ember!" He said victoriously. The moment he did he felt the weight of the whole of Equestria off his shoulders. There was no reason to panic.

"What about Ember?" Rainbow adjusted her head on the pillow.

"She’s not a mare." Hesitation crept in again. "So, um, you know, I like her... and that makes me..."

"She's a female dragon, you idiot," the pegasus said with annoyed snarl, then sat up and hit him on the back of his head with her wing. "You’re an idiot."

"But..." Spike swallowed. This was the worst birthday, no the worst day of his life! And I just got over my crush on Rarity! Sorta… “So you’re sure?” He glanced with hope at Rainbow Dash.

“Yep!” She nodded.

“Absolutely sure?”

“A-ha.” She narrowed her eyes.

“There's not a chance you might be overlooking something? Because if there is, I—”

"Spike, I know what I'm talking about!" Rainbow Dash shouted. If he wasn't drunk, Spike would probably have taken the pegasus at her word. He had the intention to, yet his skeptical look betrayed him. "Who was the first pony you got a crush on, when you came to Ponyville?” Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"Rarity, but—"

"Rarity,” she repeated loudly, cutting the dragon off. “Later, you had a thing for Applejack.”

"Hey, that was totally different!" Spike said defensively. "I was following the dragon code and Twilight messed up, so I had no choice—"

"You had a thing with Applejack," Rainbow Dash repeated louder. "You kept checking on her weeks after the Timberwolf thing. It was so lame, even the Cutie Mark Crusaders thought you'd ask her out!" Spike felt more blood rushing to his face. "And what about your fling with Derpy? Good thing that didn't last.” Rainbow snorted in disapproval. “I get that she's a cute blonde, but she's totally not your type."

"What?" Spike jumped to his feet. "I never had a thing with her!"

"Oh, come on! You were her knight in shining armour," Rainbow smirked. "Literally! And all those celebratory muffins you had after we beat up the Tantabus?" Spike raised a finger to protest. "You called her 'Muffins,'" Dash clarified, causing Spike's mouth to close shut before a single word could be uttered.

How didn't I see it before?! It’s true! It's all true! He slumped back down on the bed covering his face with both hands. How many other dates had he been to deluding himself into believing he was just hanging out? At this point he was no longer sure about anything.

"Let's not forget Starlight Glimmer," Rainbow continued mercilessly, causing Spike to stand up and start slamming his head against the wall. "Minuette, not sure about Pinkie… oh, and Ember." The pegasus looked at the ceiling deep in thought, as if making sure she hadn't forgotten anyone. "Not bad, big guy. Still not as cool as me, though."

Spike groaned. Even drunk Rainbow continued to be an ego with wings. Can't you stop comparing everything to yourself? I'm going through life changes here! Why didn't anypony tell me about this sooner?! It was hard enough learning to be a dragon, now I got to be a lesbian too? I bet Twi knew about this! She probably was all 'Oh, Spike is just a baby dragon, he wouldn't understand the implications. I better wait until he's old enough and explained it to him gently in a controlled environment'. Blah! On reflection, maybe she had hinted? All those pink clothes she had bought him, the heart embroidered aprons, the many spa visits, even those romance novels she would give every year. It was all starting to make sense now.

“Happy?” Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs. Not exactly the word he would have used, but she had indeed made her point. There wasn't a shadow of a doubt left in his mind now.

“Cool,” he shrugged. “So I'm a lesbian.” For some reason now that he had accepted it, he didn't feel as bad as he'd thought. No impending doom had followed. Equestria was still intact. Even he himself felt pretty much the same, although there might be significant changes to his future love and social lives, and by that he meant saying goodbye to any hopes of having either.

"So?" Rainbow suddenly asked, derailing his train of thought.

"So?" He looked her direction, his forehead covered in bruises from the intense wall headbutting.

"So what now?" Rainbow’s ears flicked. "It's not like you can hide it." Spike felt the remark slightly insulting. "Like, seriously,” she stifled a laugh. “You're worse at keeping secrets than anypony I know,” she did another massive yawn, lasting several seconds. Finishing, the pegasus shook her head briskly in an attempt to keep her eyes open. Surprisingly, she appeared to have succeed.

“Gee, thanks,” Spike growled. Rainbow, I hate you so much right now! "Any advice, o great expert?" Crap! No! Challenging Rainbow was the last thing he should have done. Dash could never resist a challenge and most of her solutions were really, really bad. Spike’s lips moved desperately trying to call it off. A light blue hoof landed smack on his mouth, denying him that option.

"I'm glad you admit you need help!" Rainbow beamed.

Just great! Here we go again. The last time he had gone to her for advice he had gotten completely lost, nearly devoured by Timberwolves, and at the end, the special one of a kind flower that would have helped him to impressed Rarity had put the whole of Ponyville asleep for two days with its pollen.

I bet I'll have to listen to every 'awesome' thing she had done growning up. I bet she'll—

Gentle lips locked with his. Slightly cooler than he expected, they felt like the petals of a flower which then went on to suck out the air of the few remaining questions still lingering in his brain. The dragon's body locked in place, unable to escape or resist, accepting its uncertain lesbian future. And then both pairs of lips parted in a sweet, almost inaudible sigh, leaving Spike dumbstruck.

"Whoa," he managed to whisper, still lacking full control over his vocal cords. "But I thought I was a..." His voice trailed off as he looked at Rainbow Dash with a mixture of horror and confusion.

"I'm a lesbian too, doofus." She slid her hoof along his scales. "It's okay. Trust me, I'm an expert."

“Yeah,” Spike nodded, still trying to make sense of the complicated logic. “You're an expert.”

This lesbian stuff is way too complicated…

* * *

Twilight's head was pounding when she woke up. With monumental effort she raised her head just enough to cast an anti-hangover spell. Faint purple sparkles surrounded her, melting part of the pain away until it reached bearable levels. Why did I do this to myself? The alicorn relaxed her head on the floor with a plop. Next time I'm stopping on the fourth cup… no matter what Pinkie Pie says!

"Spike?" Twilight shouted. Her mouth was dry like a desert. Right now she would gladly trade her kingdom for a bucket of ice and an endless glass of water. "Spike, where are you at?" Actually, where am I at?

Opening her eyes, Twilight expected to see the outlines of a room, a hallway, or even a field. Instead she saw a piece of paper pinned to her horn.

"What the stars?!" She levitated it a few inches away so that the letters could come into focus.

Hey Twi,

Carried you home. You really need to drink less!

Anyway, I'll be staying at Dash’s place for a while (lesbian stuff and all). Now, don't freak out! I'm not abandoning you. I just think it's time I accepted it and went on with my life. And it's not like I'll be too far away, right?

Breakfast is in the kitchen.

Take care,

Spike

P.S. I'm still a bit upset you never told me I'm a lesbian! Rainbow explained it all, but you could have at least prepared me for this. Also, there’s no need to protect me any more. I'm a fully grown dragon now and I could handle it myself. I've already sent a scroll to the Princesses about this, so don't worry.

“You did what?!” Twilight screamed, going into a panic. Spike a lesbian? How? Why? What? This was a disaster! What was she supposed to do? How should she react? Right now Twilight preferred to face another Tirek attack than have to deal with the mess Spike had gotten himself into. Her mane twisting in panic, Twilight rushed towards the nearest window. She had to learn exactly what had happened, find with whom Spike had spoken, and provide a valid and reasonable explanation to all parties involved… and do it before the Princesses came to her with questions.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Canterlot, an alicorn laughed.