Eduard Khil In Equestria (Trolololo guy)

by Strafe

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Apple Bloom, Comedy
Length: 2197

The world's greatest didn't die, he just got tired of trolling us.

The world's greatest troll didn't die, he just got tired of trolling us, so he made his way to the land of Equestria. Here he finds a fresh new pack of victims that he could enrage.

Author's note: This piece of fiction is obviously dedicated to the legend that is Eduard Khil (R.I.P). Also this is one of the few comedy/human works that I will ever write, so don't get used to it.

Published 2012-06-22 15:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-22 15:54:01 UTC

Chapter 1

It was a typical day in the little, old town that is known as Ponyvile. The sun was giving off an astonishing glare, multiple ponies were conversing with each other, and the wind was giving off a soothing breeze, when a man in a tacky, polyester suit appeared out of the blue. The man was Eduard Khil, and was calmly strolling with a somewhat friendly song that followed him wherever he went, it seem to come from nowhere. The song seemed to fit what the man was doing: a subtle, afternoon walk throughout the town. With the strange melody, he sang a gentle tune that seemed to be express his joy.

“Ah ya ya yaaaah ya ya yaah yaah ya yah. Ohohohoooo! Oh ya yaaah ya ya yaah, ya yah. Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeh-ye-ye-yeh, oh hohohoh.” He caroled as he gleefully as he let out a head dance.

Reluctantly, Pinkie Pie unveiled herself, while slightly interrupting his song, so she could welcome this brand new being to Ponyville. She took out her marvelous welcome wagon, and began her mundane, welcome performance.

“Welcome welcome welcome, a fine welcome to you. Welcome welcome welcome, I say how do you do? Welcome welcome welcome, I say hip hip hurray! Welcome welcome welcome to Ponyville today!”

At the end of the show, Pinkie Pie ended up sliding towards Eduard like she usually did when she greeted newcomers.

“Wait for it!”

She put a concerned look on her face after she realized that her welcome wagon did not let out the confetti that it normally did.

“Hm? That’s weird.”

At that moment, her tail began involuntarily twitching.

“What? Oh no!” Pinkie panicked as she tried to bolt toward some cover.

But it was too late, for a piano fell directly on the energetic pony, which was then followed by her welcome wagon exploding at random. Pinkie, covered in a combination of dirt, grass, and sweat, then lifted up the piano; she was rather annoyed at the sight that was in front of her: Eduard laughing at her misfortune.

“Lololololoooooooo!” He mocked

Pinkie Pie’s hair instantaneously deflated; she ran over to Eduard in extreme anguish.

“Hey! That isn’t very nice!” She shouted.

Eduard feasted off her rage, his troll powers allowed him to control events, and with the more anger that he received, the more powerful he became.

After getting a good laugh at how much the pink pony was blabbering about how rude he was. He simply walked away, continuing to frolic with that jubilant song in the background. He made his way around a house. Pinkie Pie Immediately followed, but was disappointed when she made her way around the building, for the man in the tacky suit suddenly disappeared.

It seemed that Eduard’s work was far from done, for he made his way towards Twilight’s house. Twilight, at the time, was writing another scholarly letter to the wonderful Princess Celestia. She opened the window next to her desk in order to let a breeze roll in, and after doing that, she used her magic to grab hold off a quill, and started to write a letter while pronouncing it out loud.

“Dear, Princess Celestia. Today, I learned that friends could be...“

“Lololololoooooooo! La la-laaaaaah, la la laah, lah, haha.” Eduard abruptly sang as he placed himself outside her house.

Twilight dropped the quill she was using, and made her way towards the window in order to get inform the man that she was that his performance is distracting.

“Um…excuse me, mister, but your singing is really taking away from my focus. Can you take your music elsewhere?”

“Nah-nah-nah-naaaaaaaaaaah!” Eduard replied

Twilight sighed in discomfort. She closed the window, so she could hopefully tune out the music that was giving her an annoyance. She, once again, used her telekinesis spell to grasp the quill, indulged it in some ink, and began to write. She proceeded to writing silently, but was again overwhelmed by the plethora of music coming from Eduard. She stopped writing for a moment and noticed that the melody stopped.

“Phew! Maybe he’s finally given up.”

Then there it was, the instant the tip of the quill hit the paper, the song began to play from outside.

“Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, lo-lo-loooo!”

She then rolled her eyes and stopped putting down words again. Needless to say, the music stopped. Her eyes shifted from east to west, and then began to poke the paper with the pen.

“Da-“ Eduard briefly caroled for as long as she put her quill on the letter.

Twilight dotted the paper, and there it was: Eduard’s theme song for a split second.

“Lol-“

Twilight tried one more time to put something on the letter.

“Aaiieeee-“

The purple unicorn gave up and began writing, regardless of what was playing outside; and once again, Eduard happily sang his song as she was writing.

“eeeeeee-eee-eee-eeee!”

Twilight’s writing form became frantic due to frustration; she began to forge words like she was scribbling out math mistakes. It was clear that she was infuriated. After a few moments of crafting words while biting dangerously hard, she amazingly finished, and was ready to send the document to her lovely assistant, Spike.

“Spike! Get down here! Hurry up and send this letter to—huh?”

Twilight looked at the letter, and noticed that all the ink had become non-existent before her very eyes. Her face became scarlet, and like a cheetah chasing after it’s prey, she dashed outside. Unfortunately for her, Eduard was not there. It seemed that he had absorbed all the power that he could from Twilight’s rage, and proceeded to trolling another poor citizen.

The purple unicorn’s frustration began to disintegrate. All the adrenaline in her body that ran through her, like a bolt of electricity, went away; and she simply turned around, put her head down, and sighed as she lingered back into her library.

Sweet Apple Acres seemed to be going through its natural day of work. Applejack and her brother, Big Macintosh, were garnering apples in their multi-acre, apple-tree field. But there was one problem: The crafty troll, Eduard, was singing for hours on end while the apple family went about their daily routine. Suddenly, Applebloom came darting towards Applejack with an agitated look on her face.

“Applejack! Applejack!” Appleboom cried.

“What in the hay is going on sugar cube?” The role model of a sister replied.

“Me and Scootaloo are trying to come up with ideas on how to find our cutie marks, but that man in the fancy suit won’t stop causing a ruckus. He just won’t quit singing!”

“Well, I must admit, his voice is pretty darn comforting, and he isn’t hurting any pony, so just let him do whatever tickles his fancy. Big Macintosh and I sure don’t seem to mind. Right?” Applejack asked as she shifted her head towards her older brother.

“Eyup…” He replied with that droopy expression.

Applejack struck a nearby tree with her two back hooves, and then initiated a speech in order to give Applebloom lesson.

“You see sister, some things in life have to be dealt with—huh—um—what in the hay is this!”

Applejack was heavily shocked to see that the pieces of fruit that fell into her basket were not apples, but pears.

“Pears!” Applejack, Applebloom, and Big Macintosh simultaneously yelled.

Applejack gave the tree another kick, and found that the only thing was waiting for her were more pears, followed by untimely sight of Eduard, who had fallen from the tree as well.

“Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, lo-lo-loooo!”

Applejack turned to see an oddity, it seemed that all the apples in her fields were stolen and replaced with the pears she had been seeing.

“Was this you?” Applejack rudely asked.

“Oh ya yaah, ya ya yaaah, yaaah, ya yah.” The troll answered.

“Okay, I’m mighty fine with a practical joke every once and a while, but this is just downright rude.”

From seemingly nowhere, a crowd of angry ponies armed with pitchforks and torches, appeared.

“There he is! Get him!” Cried a stallion rioter.

Leading the crowd was Twilight, who wandered over to Applejack to inform her of why she was performing such frenetic actions.

“Applejack, this man has been annoying everyone in town. I’m working out a spell to return him back where he came. I’m sorry for the big commotion, the rioters followed me here when they heard I was getting rid of the man.”

“That sounds pretty good to me. He really knows how to push a ponies buttons.”

Twilight nodded and then made her way in front of her Eduard. Her unicorn-like horn began to glow for a few a moments, and let out a beam of magic that was likely to send Eduard back home when it hit him. The beam traveled quickly, but was not enough to stop the legendary troll, Eduard; He picked up his hand, put up a magical barrier, and deflected the ray of magic back into the crowd.

“My leg!” Screamed one of the rioters.

Twilight gasped, she was shocked to see that Eduard had magical powers of his own. What she didn’t realize was that all the fury that was produced by the town gave Eduard a sort of omnipotence. Twilight’s train of thought became distorted, she didn’t know what to do, but oddly enough, she heard a familiar voice from afar.

“We meet again…”

It was none other than Princess Celestia—The supreme pony troll. She spread her wings out and gently hovered towards the ground, right in front of Eduard.

“Twilight, run…now. I’ll handle this.” The majestic princess informed.

Every pony stood behind Celestia, Who had been staring down Eduard. For the first time in decades Eduard stopped performing his song; he simply glowered at Celestia. It was at this time where the wind stopped blowing, the birds seized to chirp, the ocean tides remained dormant, the planets no longer revolved, the sun refused to set, the gods grew silent, all time became stagnant. It was clear what was about to happen: The battle of the century between two of the universes greatest trolls.

Eduard ultimately took off into the sky, using his mighty troll powers; and Celestia soon followed, shooting multiple beams out of her horn as she did. One of the rays was about to hit Eduard, but was parried by his mighty troll shield that he used on Twilight. The stream of magic bounced off his fortification and hit a nearby mountain, slicing it clean in half.

The battle went from minutes to hours to days. They were constantly shooting each other out, and the world around them turned to ruin. The battle traversed over to Canterlot, then Fillydelphia, then Manehattan, greatly dismantling each and every city they fought near. It was apparent that Armageddon was approaching.

Eventually, Celestia grew weary, for it was clear from her grimace that she was becoming exhausted. Eduard took advantage of her body language, and cocked back his arm like he was about to throw a punch, and dashed forward using his outlandish flying abilities. Celestia, at the time, was about five hundred feet from Eduard, giving her enough time to emulate what the crafty troll was doing, and then It was about to happen: the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object. Celestia and Eduard were rushing towards each other with god-like speed, ready to tack on that final blow that might finish the dispute. Ultimately, Celestia’s hoof and Eduard’s fist collided, generating a vigorous explosion that represented that of an atom bomb. The force launched the two trolls backward from where they were facing, and swept the whole Equestria in one sweeping blow like a tsunami engulfing a coastline.

The world was malformed into ruin, for no houses, trees, or color remained. The world became a desolate wasteland covered in ash. In the midst of all the destruction, Twilight and the rest of her friends rose, they were all covered in that black, sticky ash which reaped the land of its complexion.

“Eh...what happened?” Twilight asked.

Twilight saw her mentor on her back lying on the ground, defeated, but still alive. She was about to ask her if she was okay, but was interrupted by Eduard bursting through rubble like white wet tissue paper.

“Oh-ho-ho-ho-hooooo! Bopahdududuh-dah-dadudaaah!”

The battle was, at last, disputed; Eduard was victorious. He then continued to have that jolly grin on his face as he mocked his victims.

“Oh hahahaho!” He laughed as he pointed at Twilight.

“Hahaheheho!” He giggled once again as he put his hands on his breastplate.

“Hohohoheho!” As he drove his finger towards the rest of Equestria,

Finally, there was one more outburst of laughter as he pointed out Celestia.

“Hahahaheho! Lolololololololololololololol!”

Eduard Khil—the universes' greatest troll—was, at last, done with all his work in Equestria. He then proceeded to flying upward, towards the sky with that irritating grin. As he flew to the stars, he completed his tune, so that the rest of Equestria would be informed of his triumph.

“Ahhhhhhhhhh! La-la-laaah! La la-laaah, laaah, la-la. Oh-ho-ho-ho-hoooooo! La, la-laaaaah, lalala, lol, haha. Lolololo-lololo-lololo, oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Lolololo-lololo-lololo, oh-ho-ho-ho hoooooooooooo!”

He then vanished among the sky, looking for another lamentable world to troll and infuriate.

THE END