I Stole Your Waifu and I Must Scream

by LackLustre

Rating: teen
Tags: Flash Sentry, Comedy, Other, Equestria Girls
Length: 1152

Everybody loves Flash Sentry. Well, everybody except Flash Sentry, which is exactly why he's trying to convince everyone else to hate him while unknowingly going about his own ironic existence.

Everybody loves Flash Sentry. Well, everybody except Flash Sentry, which is exactly why he's trying to convince everyone else to hate him while unknowingly going about his own ironic existence.

Inspired by the 'Self-loathing Flash Sentry' idea at the OC panel at BronyCon 2016 which was proposed by Razalon The Lizardman.
'Other' tag is for background EqG characters and anyone else who isn't Flash.
Don't take this story seriously and I'm totally not responsible if you're injured.
With help from ElderXelpud, who made the cover art.

Published 2016-07-12 16:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-12 16:50:01 UTC

haha he was being ironic

Today was the most important day of Flash Sentry's existence. It was on this grand absolutely normal day that he was going to accomplish everything he ever wanted. He wasn't going to let his new shoes have an unfortunately ungodly amount of dog waste on them for nothing! Seriously, how was he supposed to clean these things things with just grass and screaming curses at the world at six in the morning?

All that aside, he managed to somehow clean said shoes with eight bottles of bleach and a few absolutely minor fires and one broken washing machine later.

Flash Sentry only knows how to do one thing. He can't even clean shoes, enter buildings, or use stairs properly and he often lies awake at night staring at the ceiling knowing that his guitar probably breaks some sort of universal laws but he simply isn't sure which ones they would be. Lucky for him, he only had to do one thing and that would be what he did best.

Flash Sentry had to hate himself.

Ever since he could remember, Flash Sentry had know that there was either something wrong with him or the laws of the universe. Why? Because everybody loved him with the exception of Flash himself.

For each and every year of his horribly angsty existence Flash has known that he was the biggest sellout ever. He's begged for nothing each and every day except that there might be a universe where he is loathed by all. Instead he's stuck here, in this lucid nightmare, currently blasting the only song that has ever understood him, over and over. Crawling in his skin was something that spoke to him on an ironic and self-loathing personal level. He tried not to cry every time he heard it.

He was sick of all this undeserved adoration, he was going to make a change and he didn't need a catchy song to tell him that, or he was at least going to pretend he didn't. Flash Sentry thought himself the plainest thing since vanilla ice cream and shallower than the average puddle. He spent his weekends alternating between unironically going to shopping malls where extensive existential depersonalization ensued and shouting things along the lines of 'Nobody understands me!' as earnestly as possible while the universe cried with delight of his torment before he cried himself to sleep. He had tried to do everything possible to ensure that he would be hated, like dating a horse princess. It didn't work.

Everybody loved Flash Sentry.

Flash was desperate to change this. He wanted to fulfill his childhood dreams of getting everyone else to hate him too. Surely there was something to loathe about him? His stupid hair, dull demeanor, and lack of emotional depth were just a few great things! There was also the fact that he dated horses and somehow didn't end up on a single watch list, or at least something similar.

All he had to do was make an entire school hate him, but in order to do so he had to try harder than ever before while hopefully still keeping things within the law, of course. He wasn't that sort of fellow but he was the sort who was going to take up two spaces in the student lot for this purpose.

Today was going to be the best day ever.

Probably.

Most likely it will be the worst.

...

Thirty minutes later, Flash did not find himself crying in a janitor's closet at how hard it was to make people hate you as well as something about a missed math assignment but that wasn't important compared to his self-loathing agony.

First, it was important for Flash to come to terms with reality. Or at least parts of it. Specifically, the part that involves him crying in a closet.

All he needed to do was get one person at Canterlot High to hate him. Why was that so hard? Each year of his life was spent wishing that others would hate him, that at least once there would be a note elegantly entitled 'Kick Me' on his back or that someone would smash a tray of food on his head. Instead he ended up with this horrid life where everyone either loved him or really didn't care either way that he existed.

"It just isn't fair!" He sobbed with only the mops to listen. At least they couldn't reflect on their life or they might love him too.

He simply he needed a plan, one that was infallible in getting at least one person to hate him. From there, surely more people would begin to hate him too. After he acquired at least one enemy, he could get more!

Flash wiped away his tears and stood up, brushing off his jeans. He just needed to think positive! Somehow, someone else would hate him! He could do this! He'd start to look at lunch, there'd be plenty of other students to choose from there.

Think positive, he told himself, someone out there is just waiting to hate you.

This was a high school, and if Flash pretended to know anything about anything which is exactly what he was doing now, it's that anyone can hate you for the stupidest of reasons! Flash didn't need any questionable excuses to get the school to hate him, since he made sure to always keep an extensive mental list handy on why everybody should do everything short of burning down his house and letting the air out of his tires. It was how he coped and remembered that there's always sunshine over the horizon, and maybe, just maybe that sunshine will be kind enough to burn out his eyes as he smiled before taking the world with him as they were embraced by the sweet mercy of the void.

In short, he had absolutely no idea what he was doing or how he was going to do it but Flash Sentry was going to do whatever it was anyway.

Author's Note

If this becomes a fandom meme I will track down each person who upvoted and gave this a favorite and hug them while simultaneously stealing everything in their fridge just to show you how much I appreciate this. Don't question how I will do this, just buy like a ton of cheese or something.

Chapter title text is a reference to the Special Meme Fresh tumblr.

I'm not quite used to writing this genre where Comedy is the plot and such so any tips or feedback would be very helpful. And just so you know, I don't hate Flash, or at least not the pony version since he really hasn't done anything but this story will be about how much Flash hates himself in utterly comedic and ironic ways and maybe eldritch demons. I dunno.