Your name is Apple Bloom...
A young filly stands in her bedroom. Today, the 12th of July 2016, is this young lady's 13th birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago that she was created, it is only today that she will be named. What will this young mare's name be?
FARMSTINK BARNHOOVES
Now, ain't that a tad offensive?
Try again, smartass!
Apple Bloom
Your name is Apple Bloom, and as mentioned before, it is your birthday. Lots of pancakes have been scattered throughout your room. You have many hobbies, which include hanging out with your friends and helping other ponies. You enjoy reading ridiculous joke books, and you are a master of countryisms. You sometimes enjoy video games.
You decide to inspect your room.
Inside a drawer is a pair of novelty plastic hooves. You used those on one of your cutie mark crusades. Why are they here? They're supposed to be in your chest, barnhooves!
You open up your chest, throwing the pancakes on it aside, and place the hooves inside with the other objects of shenannigans.
Eh, you should put these in your sylladex, you promised to return these to Rarity to re-attach to her mannequin.
(You captchalogued the MANNEQUIN HOOVES.)
You decide to look at what's in your chest, since you opened it.
Inside is a bunch of random clutter, what the hogwashin' fuck is all this?
You root around in your chest, and find... What's this, a note? In sis's handwritin', too!
Happy birthday sis! I am so proud of you.
It smells like apples. Well, the entire flippin' house smells like apples. Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
There is a sudden urge to shout "BUY SOME APPLES!" and take a shit on the windowsill...
That's stupid as an idea can get!
But the smooth windowsill, it beckons...
Fuck this hogwashin' bullshit!
Ooooh, pancakes!
OH.
//OH//.
FUCKIN' APPLE PANCAKES.
You're sick to death of these little shits! You've been eating apples all day already, and for years on end!
You proceed to buck the plate of pancakes out the window, with those strong, determined small hooves of yours.
Thaaat's better.
Oh look, someone is messaging you on your messaging software, the newfangled thing! How the hell are you supposed to type with hooves, anyway?
You decide to answer this message, it's probably important!
[speedySkateboard [SS] began messaging knightsCrusade [KC] at 8:09 AM]
[SS] Yo, apple bloom! What sort of goods did you plunder from your parents?
[KC] Consarnit Scootaloo, my parents are dead, remember?
[SS] Well, er, anyway, what sort of insane loot did you get?
[KC] I haven't opened any of the presents, but my copy of SBARN should come today!
[SS] You should go get 'em! I'm excited to play this with you guys!
[SS] I think you should open the gift I sent first!
[KC] Alright, alright!
You search your room for the gifts sent to you by your three dear friends, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Babs Seed.
[KC] I seem to have found it, be right back, i'm gonna open this!
You decide to just punt the box from Scootaloo into the wall a few times before a part of it splits open. After you tear off the rest of the box, it's... it's a poster! You hang it up on the wall and go back to your computer.
[KC] Nice, it's that Batmare poster you've told me about! I remember the scene with the Orange Julius and the slime...
[SS] There was a bottle of OJ floating around here somewhere, and now I've lost my appetite.
[SS] Nice going, Apple Bloom.
[SS]I'm out, anyway. You should probably check your mail, my copy of the beta came today.
[KC] Yeah! I'm gonna go do that! See ya, Scoots!
You get off of this mind-rotting box and look out the window. The mailpony appears to have just left the house, because there's skid marks from her awful flying everywhere and- JESUS CHRIST ON A BICYCLE ARE THOSE SKID MARKS ON YOUR WINDOW?
Forget this, you're off. Oh wait, is that... Applejack? She's beating you to the mail!
Guhhhh... Consarnit!
She's probably back from Sugarcube Corner with more apple products to shove in your pie hole.
You'll get the mail later, you have a message from your friend. Oh forget her too!
You decide to examine the "Applebucker's Guide" on the floor next to you. That thing could kill a cat if you dropped it on the poor thing.
You captchalogue the book, ejecting some random nails from your sylladex!
Thank god, none of them landed on you.
You decide to change your mood to "do not disturb", but someone's already been messaging you.
[SS] Yo, did you get the mail?
[KC] No, my consarned sister got to it first.
[SS] Sucks for you! Why don't you go bother Sweetie Belle, she's been bugging me all day.
[KC] Understandable, you are an attractive pony, no homo
SS
[KC] scOOTALOO NO
[SS] Scootaloo yes. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[KC] stOP
[SS] Okay, fine, fine. Have you had any problems with that sylladex of yours?
[KC] I'd shit around with it if I had the time.
[SS] You should set your strife specibus, it'll free up a card in your damn sylladex.
[KC] I got a hammer!
You pick up the hammer, and allocate it to your strife specibus, setting it to hammerkind.
[KC] I got it!
[SS] Hammerkind?
[KC] Eeyup!
[SS] Oh yeah, sorry, that's your permanent strife specibus.
[KC] What?
[SS] Hope you like hammers, dudette! Hehe
[KC] Eh, it's probably not that important.
You decide to look at the GameFilly magazine sitting on your bed, and open it up.
"Alright, so...
SBARN is a game a lot of people seem hella pumped to play, and this beta is still sitting on my desk waiting for me to review it."
This article is utterly useless! It's the same as always! Shitty reviews of actually good games.
(You captchalogue the GameFilly.)
You decide to put on some random items around the room as a disguise, why do you even still have all this?
You leave your room and go into the hallway.