Teach Me Derpy-Sensei!

by Rated Ponystar

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life
Length: 4086

Upon seeing Derpy use deductive reasoning and logic to help others find what muffins work best, Pinkie Pie asks Derpy to take her on as a student so she can learn to be just as good with her own deserts.

Everypony knows that Pinkie Pie is one of the best bakers in Ponyville. However, one pony is better at making muffins then even the party pony herself and that is Ponyville's clumsy mailpony: Derpy. Her secret? Using deductive reasoning and logic to figure out what type of muffins would be best for certain ponies based on their mood, behavior, looks, mail, and more.

Upon learning this, Pinkie Pie sees a way to give more joy to those she cares about with her treats and asks Derpy to take her on as a student.

*Commissioned and Edited by Grand_Moff_Pony*

Published 2016-07-12 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-12 21:00:01 UTC

Reasoning and Deserts

Pinkie Pie rarely felt tired, thanks to her seemingly endless supply of energy. But this past week had been so busy, even she was beginning to slow down. She had to help plan fifteen birthdays, six weddings, four anniversary, two funerals, and one welcoming party; and it was only Wednesday. It took nearly all of her strength to keep her smile up as she plodded through the streets. She began to worry that she wouldn't make it through the afternoon, much less the rest of the week.

Pinkie wanted nothing more than to flop onto her bed and sleep for the rest of the day - or even the week - but her stomach was grumbling for some food. Sugarcube Corner was on the other end of town and while normally that wouldn’t be a problem for her, she wanted something here and now to avoid wasting more energy. That's when her gaze passed over the nearby town market... and she spotted a simple wooden stand where only one mare was occupying it with her crossed eyes that looked in various directions every few seconds. A few ponies that came up were given different kinds of muffins before placing their bits on the counter and leaving with satisfied moans of joy as they dug into their treat.

"Perfect."

Pinkie Pie often prided herself on being Equestria best baker, but nopony was better at making muffins then Derpy Hooves. To Pinkie, each bite of the fluffy treats felt like heaven itself was giving her a huge hug while fireworks were throwing a party on her tastebuds. If Derpy had the means, she could have made her own muffin making business, but she was happy with her mailpony job while doing this as a secondary job every so often. It brought in the extra bits for her and her daughter, Dinky, and that’s what mattered most.

Rushing over, Pinkie shouted with her usually happy-go-lucky greeting. “Hi, Derpy!”

“Hi, Pinkie! Got your muffin already here!” said Derpy, revealing a peanut butter and jelly muffin.

Pinkie gobbled the whole thing in one bite and sighed in comfort while a burst of energy started fighting back her previous fatigue. “Boy, that really hit the spot. Just what I needed... hey, wait.” Pinkie Pie raised her eyebrow and stared at Derpy suspiciously. “How did you know I needed that muffin? I didn’t even ask for one ‘cause I didn’t know what I wanted.”

“Oh, I already knew what kind of muffin you wanted before you got here,” Derpy said with a shrug. “It wasn’t that hard to figure it out when I saw you the past few days. I figured you needed an energy boost to get your mojo back, so I made those PB&J muffins for you.”

“You knew about all my parties? But I didn’t tell anypony about them, I’ve been too busy to tell,” said Pinkie before she gave out a loud gasp. “Do you have some kind of Pinkie Sense too?! Like a... Derpy Sense?!”

Derpy giggled as she tried to keep her eyes straight. “No, nothing like that.. I just watched and observed.” Pinkie tilted her head which made Derpy reply. “Let me explain...”

Pinkie took out a seat from behind a nearby bush and sat down as Derpy took a deep breath. “I first noticed you were going to be busy by the mail I delivered to you the past few days. A lot of them were from ponies that I knew had birthday’s coming up, engagements, lost a relative, or so on. Mainly because the mail I delivered to them or others were already about those events.”

“Knowing you, as Ponyville’s Party and Event Planner Pony, you were going to be involved with all of them. From there, I would often see you running back and forth everywhere with various party supplies, gifts, or decorations for other events such as flowers for the weddings and funerals. However, each time you passed by you were running slower, and sweating more, than you were before. I simply deduced by the end of all of this you would be tired and hungry, thus needing something energetic to keep you going and stabilize both your hunger and weariness. Peanut Butter and Jelly Muffins are always useful for that quick boost to last two or so hours, enough time for you to head home and tuck yourself into bed for a good night’s rest.”

Pinkie stared at Derpy with wide eyes and an open mouth for a few minutes, processing everything she had heard. “... Woah....” She jumped up and looked straight at Derpy’s face with awe. “That was amazing! Like Twilight smart amazing! You picked all of that up from just the mail?! Do you do that with other ponies too?!”

“Yup,” said Derpy, nodding her head as her eyes rolled around. “For example, I noticed Lyra is nervous about her parents meeting Bon Bon for the first time, so I gave her Blueberry and Cinnamon Muffins. Mrs. Cloudshine lost her mother recently, so for comfort food I made her favorite Morning Glory Muffins and a batch of her mother's favorite ones: Double Blueberry. Oh! There is also the fact that Caramel is trying to lose weight so he can impress that new guard that’s moved into town means I better give him low-carb Almond Muffins.”

Pinkie Pie looked on with with wide eyes. "Can this cool thing you do also associate with other treats, like cakes and cupcakes?"

"I don't see why not," Derpy replied as she rubbed her chin. She opened her mouth to continue but was stopped when Pinkie grabbed her by the neck, turned her around, and stared at her with a determined gaze.

“Teach me, Derpy-Sensei!”

Figuring there was no harm in teaching Pinkie what she knew, Derpy agreed to help Pinkie learn her technique. After Pinkie mentioned that Sugarcube Corner was closed for the day so the Cakes could spend some time with their foals, Derpy had immediately declared it the site of Pinkie's first lesson.

Derpy and Pinkie were watching from a distance while Mr. Cake had a camera out while Mrs. Cake was playing with their foals with building blocks. Derpy cleared her throat. “Okay, now we’re going to start with something simple. At least half of what you learn comes from observation. But you can't just idly watch; you have to look at the fine details. The mane, coat, even small facial expressions. No detail is insignificant here.”

“Got it, so who do I observe first?” asked Pinkie Pie as she took out a big magnifying glass that seemed to cover half her face.

Derpy smirked at the prop before pointing to Mrs. Cake. “Let’s try the wife first. See if there is anything you notice about her.”

Pinkie nodded and pointed her magnifying glass at the direction of Mrs. Cake. From a normal distance everything seemed normal, but the longer Pinkie looked, the more small details began to stick out in her mind. For one, Mrs. Cake’s mane was a bit curlier than normal, she had on a shade of lipstick that Pinkie had never seen her wear before, and her eyes were darting back and forth in different directions from her foals. Pinkie quietly relayed what she saw to Derpy, who responded with a nod. “That’s good, but can you tell where her eyes' main focus is?”

Pinkie shrugged. “I don’t know, she’s kinda going all over the place. Kinda like you, no offence.”

“None taken,” said Derpy, holding her hoof up. “There are three places she’s been focusing on. Her husband, her stomach, and her flank. What does that tell you?”

“That... she needs...um...” Pinkie rubbed her chin. “I don’t know.”

“Well, let me ask you something. You’ve seen Mrs. Cake go out a lot, right? Eating lunch in places that have salad bars, low fat yogurt, and such?”

Pinkie Pie nodded.“Yeah, I offered to make her some tasty carrot cake yesterday but she declined. And that’s her favorite!” said Pinkie Pie, scratching her head. She had never known Mrs. Cake to refuse such a tasty treat.

“That's because she’s thinking about losing weight,” concluded Derpy. “The way she keeps avoiding heavy junk food while constantly checking her stomach and rear end means she’s focused on getting rid of fat. Eyeing her husband and looking a bit prettier? She's trying to get his attention, if you know what I mean. Probably been doing it since the twins were born, I'd guess. Some mares fear that their husbands will lose interest in them in a sexual and attractive sense after giving birth. Plus, I’ve been delivering fitness magazines to Mrs. Cake since a month after the twins were born.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve seen those lying around,” said Pinkie in realization. “Then she would want something low-fat right?”

“Bran muffins would be best. Maybe banana too,” said Derpy with a smile before pointing at Mr. Cake. “Now let’s talk about Mr. Cake. What do you see him doing?”

“Taking pictures of his babies,” said Pinkie with a smile. “That’s an easy one.”

“Yes, he’s taking pictures of Pumpkin and Pound, but that’s not all,” said Derpy.

Pinkie blinked and pointed to Mrs. Cake. “His wife? But that’s not really a surprise.”

“Yes, but he’s been taking pictures of her twice in a row at a rapid pace and always in the direction of her face or flank,” explained Derpy as they continued to watch the camera flash again and again in quick succession. “While I'm sure most of those pictures are of his children, he's taking just as many pictures of Mrs. Cake as well. This means that her efforts of losing weight and becoming more attractive to him are working. He’s finding himself wanting her in... well... let’s just say in bed.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened as she smiled with joy. “Does that mean more babies?!” Her face then fell. “Oh, wait. Not heat season. Darn.”

Derpy chuckled. “Trust me, having one or two foals is a hooffull. Having more would be really chaotic. But anyway, the best kind of muffins to give Mr. Cake would be something to urge him sexually.”

“So, does that mean we drug the muffins with viagra?” asked Pinkie, who was oblivious to Derpy's dark blush.

“N-no! We should just give him honey and chocolate chip muffins! The sweetness of their nature will make him want to get... well, lucky I guess is the right word,” said Derpy.

“Why not just say sex?” asked Pinkie.

Derpy sighed. “Because they’ve been staring at us for the past few minutes due to all of your shouting.”

Pinkie Pie turned back to the Cake family, who were staring at them through the window, the husband and wife blushing just as much as Derpy while the foals were looking at the grownups with tilted heads. Then they turned to each other and as their Auntie Pinkie had taught them to do, repeated the latest word they had added to their growing vocabulary.

“Sex!”

The Cakes looked down at their foals in shock.

“Um... I’m grounded aren’t I?” asked Pinkie, nervously.

After a very stern talking to about what not to say in the house, Pinkie Pie and Derpy decided to continue the lessons someplace where they didn’t risk any other incidents. Derpy suggested meeting up tomorrow, during her rounds for mail delivery.

That morning, they met outside of the post office the next morning. While walking, Derpy kept one eye on the road, and other other on Pinkie, who had somehow acquired an identical mailpony uniform and letter bag.

“Okay, I’m going to move on to the next lesson: mail,” said Derpy.

“Woohoo!” shouted Pinkie, but then tilted her head. “But I don’t read other ponies mail. At least not since the petition to stop me from doing was approved a few years ago.”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be mail, but just anything that your friends might be doing or reading at the moment. Let’s take our first stop for example,” said Derpy as she stopped in front of the home of Thunderlane and his little brother Rumble. She pulled out two magazines from her letter bag. The first was targeted at weightlifters, and featured a trio of muscle-bound stallions flexing their toned flanks. The other was in Neighponese and showed five mares in brightly colored sailor fuku’s with a lot of make up and poised like action heroes. “Now this—”

“Oh! I know! The big weightlifting one is for Rumble and Thunderlane is secretly an otaku!” guessed Pinkie.

“That's what I thought at first too, but it's actually the other way around,” said Derpy with a chuckle. “Now, what do you think these say about the two and what they plan to do today?

“Obviously Thunderlane is going to work out, but he’s such a lazy guy that I can’t seem him doing that. Rumble is clearly a closet otaku since he’s never said anything about liking anime, but today is Friday and everyone knows the best cartoons are on Fridays and Saturdays,” said Pinkie Pie.

“Not bad, but a few things to go with that,” said Derpy, raising her hoof up and pointing things out. “First off, you are right about Thunderlane being lazy to the point where he annoys Rainbow Dash—”

“Even though she obviously cares about him...” snickered Pinkie.

“—that he’s just going to daydream that he’s one of these buff athletes. Now, when Thunderlane comes into the cafe, what's his usual drink? And what treat pairs well with it?” asked Derpy.

"Root beer," Pinkie replied, "and that goes super-duper well with some strawberry pie or chocolate chip cookies."

“Good work, and since Rumble is probably planning to watch cartoons all day and mostly all night, what would make great treats for those?” asked Derpy.

“Hmm, tough choice,” said Pinkie as she rubbed her chin. There were in fact a lot of choices that one could use if they wanted a good cartoon marathon. “I guess nothing would beat a classic set of fudge brownies and cold milk!”

“Great, you’re getting it now,” said Derpy as she handed Pinkie the mail. “Here you go, why don’t you deliver the mail as a reward.”

“Okay!” said Pinkie as she hopped towards the door and knocked on it a few times. Rumble was there to answer as he smiled at Pinkie Pie. “Hiya, Rumble. Or should I say こんにちは、ランブルさん. (Greetings, Rumble-san)

“Huh?” asked Rumble as he tilted his head. “P-Pinkie, why are you speaking in Neighponese?”

“あなたはアニメのファンであるので、まあ、私はこのように話すことができると思いました！” (Well, since you are a fan of anime, I thought I could speak in this way!) said Pinkie Pie.

“W-what are you talking about,” Rumble said as he swiped the magazines and began to sweat while looking around nervously. “I... I don’t like anime... like Sailor Luna or anything like that...”

Pinkie Pie only grinned and said, “キノはその後アイノより良いセーラースカウトです.” (Kino is a better Sailor Scout then Aino). This only made Rumble gasp.

“馬鹿！” (Idiot!) shouted Rumble with a vein appearing on his forehead. “アイノはキノその後、千倍優れています！彼女は他のものがあった前に長いセーラースカウトだったし、素晴らしいですね！キノは彼女の裏側でより良い"才能"を持っている場合でも、アイノはまだ熱いです！” (Idiot! Aino is a thousand times better then Kino! She was a Sailor Scout long before any of the others were and looks amazing! Even if Kino has better "talent" in her backside, Aino is still hotter!)

Rumble then blushed upon realizing that he had been tricked and gulped. “Uh, I gotta go. じゃあまたね” (See you later!) He then closed the door hard enough to rattle the adjacent windows.

“さようなら！レインボーダッシュがまだ独身されていることをあなたの兄弟を教えて！” (Bye! Tell your brother that Rainbow Dash is still single!) shouted Pinkie Pie before walking back to a confused Derpy.

“Since when could you speak Neighponese?” asked Derpy.

“You’ll find me full of surprises,” answered Pinkie as they continued onward.

The lessons continued with each different pony who received mail. A catalog from Seapony Cruises told Pinkie that Cranky and Matilda were thinking of going on vacation so, she paired the catalog with Prench vanilla cheesecake to get them thinking about far off places. Upon seeing the K-Pop magazine and tickets for the Flower Sisters, Pinkie said Manju, a popular dessert in Korneigha, would be perfect. She had a bit of a difficult time with Lucky, whose only letter was one from his mother, but she guessed that classic caramel and chocolate cookies were best.

“Wow, this is so informative,” said Pinkie as she and Derpy sat down for their lunch break. She started writing notes on everything she had learned about her friends and fellow Ponyville citizens that she never bothered to look for before. “How did you end up learning how to do this anyway?”

“Well, when I was growing up I didn’t have many friends,” Derpy sheepishly answered which made Pinkie frown. Growing up with no friends was no fun at all in her mind. “So I mostly stood in the back while the other foals were playing and just watched them with my eyes. I did a lot of that and slowly began to notice different things about all my fellow classmates.”

“One day, I noticed that Carrot Top was looking really sad. It was kind of a surprise to me since she always seemed so happy.” Taking a bite out of her muffin, she continued, “I noticed she had been bringing a stuffed rabbit with her, which I found strange since I knew that she had a real pet rabbit named Flopsy. One day I saw her crying while hugging the stuffed rabbit and I knew what had happened.”

“What happened?” Asked Pinkie, leaning in like a little kid being told a story.

“Flopsy had gotten sick and passed away. Carrot was devastated, but none of her friends knew this. They just thought she was sad for other reasons. Feeling sorry for her, I spent all night with my mom making carrot corn muffins and gave them to her the next day. She smiled at me and that’s how we became friends.”

“Aw, that’s so cute,” said Pinkie, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Anyway, I think you’re ready for your final test!” said Derpy with made Pinkie gasp with delight.

“Are you ready?”

“I am ready!” said Pinkie, punching a hoof in the air.

“You’re final test is to create six desserts perfect for your six best friends and invite them over for a snack,” said Derpy. “Remember to study and research your friends carefully so that you can give them exactly what they need.”

“Okie Doki Loki!” said Pinkie Pie as she zoomed out with Derpy smiling at the site.

The next day, Derpy found herself in Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie and the other element bearers. As they entered, Pinkie called them over to a large table, upon which sat five large covered dishes.

“So what’s with the invites, Pinkie? Got another party set up?” asked Twilight.

“Nope! I’m here to give you girls the desserts you need but never knew you wanted!” said Pinkie as she took each of her friends and lined them up next to their respective dishes.

“Wouldn’t it be easier to tell you what we wanted instead of just guessing?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“I didn’t guess. I observed!” said Pinkie Pie, proudly. “I’ve been following you five for nearly a day and half and I finally have the perfect dessert for you all.”

“Wait a minute, you’ve been... following us?” asked Applejack, looking a bit disturbed.

“Yup! Now let’s begin!” shouted Pinkie Pie as she zoomed over to Twilight’s and placed a hoof on the top. “For you, Twilight, I have something that’s truly fit for royalty. I know you’ve been I know you've been looking to, how should I say it, enhance your physical appearance, so I made something extra gooey and fattening for you! Especially in your butt!”

Everypony slowly turned towards Twilight who was blushing and looking around nervously. “W-what are you talking about, P-P-Pinkie? My b-b-butt is fine! Nice and thin!”

“Well, yeah, but that’s the problem you're facing!” said Pinkie with a smile. “You’ve been checking out Big Macintosh for a long time now, and I know for a fact that he likes mares with big bottoms. So you've been loading up on calories every chance you get... even ordering double the cake when you come to the cafe! And the faster you add junk to your rump, the faster his hooves will be all over you!"

She pulled up the tray. “That’s why I made Caramel Chocolate Mousse with extra whipped cream! A full plate of these and you’ll have a royal plot that'll even make Celestia jealous!”

“T-thanks... Pinkie...” muttered Twilight who was now all red. Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but laugh at the sight while the rest were looking at their own desserts as if they might attack them at any moment.

Pinkie hopped on over to Rarity, who was looking very nervous. “Um, suddenly I feel that I should get back to my work. I mean, I am on a diet and all...”

“Nonsense!”, Pinkie replied. “Unlike Twilight who wants to be all chubby in her butty, I know you want to be thin. After all, you won’t be able to fit into those latex suits if you don’t.”

Rainbow Dash laughed even harder as Derpy watched in horror at the monster she had suddenly created. The others slowly turned to Rarity, who was twitching randomly, her face a contorted mixture of rage, horror, and confusion.

“Hey, I feel ya. Sometimes a mare wants to be dominating here or there. Nothing wrong with that. Although next time you wanna your secret, use something to hide that smell after inviting stallions into your home. Anyway, since you like pretending you’re a dominatrix queen I figured this was good for you,” said Pinkie Pie as she opened the tray. “Nothing says dark and sexy like dark chocolate cake with really deep purple frosting, and a tiny fondant collar with white spikes on it for that added decoration! Do you love it?”

“... I will destroy you...” whispered Rarity, but Pinkie was already moving toward her next target.

She stopped by Applejack who already looking for a way to escape, but Rainbow Dash was there holding her. “Oh no you don’t. I wanna see what Pinkie’s got planned for you.”

“Actually, it’s what I got planned for both of you!” said Pinkie, joyfully.

“Huh?” They turned around just in time to see Pinkie reveal their dessert: two individual cups of ice cream. One topped with rainbow-colored syrup, and the other topped with a kind of apple syrup concoction.

“Like it? I figured would really like something that reminds you of each other. After all, you do eat each other out a lot!” The room suddenly went cold as Dash and Applejack quickly looked at each other in silent horror.

“Besides the obvious smell of each other on your lower abdomens, you two really need to pick that hay out of your manes. Too bad for Thunderlane, I was hoping you and him would get together, Rainbow Dash.” Pinkie frowned a bit but then smiled and hugged the two blushing lovers. “But seeing my two best friends get together is a lot better! I can’t wait to plan your anniversary and wedding parties when you two get hitched! As for the chocolate ice cream, what better food to have after sex? By the way, you really need to teach me that one position you guys did that involved the cattle prod. I’ve never seen anything like that!”

Rainbow Dash was no longer laughing and instead was hiding behind her wings while Applejack lowered her hat to hide her embarrassment. Pinkie, still oblivious to her friends wanting to rip her apart, went over to Fluttershy, who was shaking too badly to even acknowledge Pinkie's presence. Slowly, Pinkie Pie raised the last dish and revealed it to be pink grapefruit sorbet.

Opening her eyes, Fluttershy couldn’t help but lick her lips. “Oh, that does look good.”

“Yup, this will help you with your diarrhea problems, Fluttershy.” With that said, Pinkie hopped over to a stunned Derpy while Fluttershy fell to the floor and started to cry.

“So, did I do good?” asked Pinkie, smiling.

Derpy looked at the five broken ponies who were staring at their desserts with flushed faces, burning rage, and tears of embarrassment. Sighing, Derpy closed her eyes.

“I think you did too good...”

Author's Note

Did this as a favor for a friend. Hope you enjoyed.