Hands for Hooves

by Queen Sanguine Dreams

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Lyra, Comedy
Length: 2239

Lyra has found a way to Earth. Now she must convince the first human she sees to trade places with her.

Lyra has finally done it!

She has searched through every book, scroll, letter and note in the Royal Library of Canterlot, through the Griffon Empire, through Minos, and even a few ruins in the Badlands.

All to figure out where the humans have gone. She succeeded!

The only problem with the knowledge she has mastered, is that she must find a willing human to trade places with.

It shouldn't be that hard; humans should jump at the chance to have magic!

Published 2016-07-13 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-13 21:40:01 UTC

Hello, human!

Lyra's Supply List for Huumin-land!

Grounding Scrolls: 5
Amplification Scrolls: 5
Book of Transmutation: 1
Soul Security Robes: 1
Alicorn-Amulet: 1
Bon-Bon secured in her room: 1
Informational Pamphlet in Eenga-lish: 1
Divining Rod: 1
Silver: 5 bars
Gold: 5 bars
Iron: 5 bars
Gemstones: 5 of Diamond, Ruby, Emerald, Sapphire, Amethyst
Secondary Back-ups: 20!

Lyra looked over her checklist, floating it next to her head as she quadruple checked the Pentagram in front of her. Everything was arranged perfectly!

A gemstone of each type, at each point of the star; A bar of Silver, Gold and Iron at each point, to accent each Diamond at the tip in a starburst array to signify the Sunrise and Sunset; Grounding scrolls to allow the Huumin a path back, and Amplification scrolls to reach huumin-land in the first place; A divining rod to direct the energy to her horn, and various enchanted clothing and amulets to help her contain the immense power she would need to wield in order to accomplish this feat.

She had arranged all of this in her shared basement with Bon-bon, but Lyra had made sure that her roommate was both asleep and locked in her room upstairs. She had put a chair against the door to be sure! That always worked in the movies she had read about huumins making.

All that was left, was to recite the final incantation that would cause the spell to activate, and to make up something on the spot for what she wanted to do.

No really, it says right here.

Do what you want after the Incantation is recited. lolgoodluck.

She didn't know what the last part of the scroll meant, but she assumed it was a binding spell to ensure that the procedure would work.

"Alright, let's do this, Lyra!" she said to herself, beginning to channel her inner magic to her horn, and using the Divining rod to focus her magics into each of the gemstones, which in turn arced across the assembled metals, and melted into a pool of slag that followed the channels she had dug into the basement floor. As the floor filled with the mixed metals, the basement became incredibly hot, but her Alicorn-Amulet, (Which she had stolen from Trixie the night before) kept her safe from the worst of it. The gems themselves had begun to fuse into five pointed stars, and they floated directly above Lyra and formed a secondary pentagram with beams of lightning lancing between them in a constant stream of red magic.

The blinding light combined with the molten metals on the floor, causing the room to emit frightening howls from some unknown monster's tortured screams. Lyra didn't hear this, of course, as she was too focused on completing the spell.

"Ba Weep Granna Weep Nini-bong!" She chanted; the magic that she was wielding grew even more bright in luminescence.

"By this mare's grace, A huumin she'll face.
Traded lives with peaceful embrace,
They both will find their place!"

The building power had come to an overwhelming point of no return, enveloping Lyra in a bath of multi-chromatic light and lifting her into the air. Her mane billowed wildly and she opened her eyes to a clear white glow of power consuming, and with the final effort, Lyra completed her spell.

She had been thrown through an excessive portal that covered the entire floor of the basement. She tumbled mane over hooves through a place between worlds. Neither star nor planet greeted her, only horrors indescribable and unbearable to witness. Then, as quickly as she had entered, she was flung from this inter-dimensional nightmare, directly onto her face.

*****

Martin, A perfectly average human by all accounts, had been enjoying his scheduled 'Me time' with a bucket of cherry ice cream on his couch. This was all before some Eldritch horror had dumped itself onto his living room floor.

"What the Hell!?" he shouted in a spasmic release of fear and horror, hugging his bucket of delicious ice cream with both of his arms and jumping onto his couch cushions to stare at the screaming portal of evil that had decided to say 'Hello!' to him that evening.

On the verge of just turning his brain off and screaming, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. He slowly turned his head, somewhat expecting to find a demon staring directly at him when he looked too far in one direction, like some kind of horror movie become reality. To his bafflement, there wasn't a demon. At least he thought so.

There was some kind of four legged thing in robes, sprawled on his floor and making noises of complaint.

"Aaauuu, Mi eahd."

What? This thing sounds like some kind of alien. Well, actually, considering that it just flung itself out of a portal into my living room, it might as well be. thought Martin, as he slowly inched his way around his coffee table. His movie was still playing, but that was so far from his mind that it might as well have not existed in the first place.

"Eere ammi?" the thing spoke again, causing Martin to duck behind a lounge chair between him and the thing.

Should I just stay quiet, and hope this thing goes away? What if it eats me?

Deciding 'screw it', as an acceptable and completely reasonable course of action, Martin spoke.

"Hello?"

A high pitched squee was heard from the alien-creature-thing, and Martin exposed only his eyes and forehead from behind the chair.

"Huumin!" the thing cheered.

He had spotted what looked like some kind of four legged creature, that much was certain. It was covered in robes, glowing objects, and it had a horn of some kind. He didn't get a good look because he had only taken a quick glance, and ducked when the thing had spoken again.

"Huumin, Camaout!" it demanded.

Slowly poking his head over the chair, and holding his Ice cream like a bullet resistant vest in front of his chest, he looked the thing in the eyes.

Its massive, glowing white eyes.

"Ahm friennli!"

If he was hallucinating, he should make sure to avoid this particular brand of ice cream in the future. He could swear the thing was speaking some kind of slaughtered english.

"Can you understand me?" Martin asked, looking at the thing's face that was illuminated by the white glow. He would've turned on the lights, but he was afraid that any sudden movement would get him disintegrated by alien laser blaster.

"Wahow. Yuh speek reli weerd." it said, blinking a few times and walking towards him.

"Whoa, Whoa whoa!" Martin yelled, backpedalling and running into his coffee table, and then promptly falling backwards onto it, spilling cherry all over himself. He didn't care, because the thing was still moving towards him. He hucked the bucket to the side and scrambled backwards to gain more distance between himself and the thing.

"Ahrr yu sca-red?" it asked, stopping mercifully and giving him a sideways glance.

"Just stay back!" Martin replied in a near panic, his heart attempting to jailbreak from his ribcage in an act of self preservation.

Martin then took a few moments to calm down, staring at the thing for any sudden movements.

*****

This huumin was really scared!

Lyra had no idea why 'he' was reacting this way, but it was probably because huumins werent- aren't used to other species that can speak like they can. His accent was really weird though.

"Ey hav a kesstschun!" Lyra called in her best Eenga-lish.

The huumin stared at her a bit before replying. "A question, you mean?"

At least he was calming down!

"Ya!" Lyra replied, waiting patiently for permission to continue.

The two stared at each other for a bit, before the huumin realized it was his turn to speak. "Oh! I mean, sure?" He said uncertainly, still not knowing what to make of what was happening.

"Wanah be pun ee?" Lyra asked. "I haev Ma-jick!"

The huumin then made a completely unknowable face, accompanied by some high pitched grunt of confusion. "You have magic?" he asked.

"Yahuh!" Lyra nodded, pleased that she was making such good progress.

"What's a 'Pun ee'?"

"Mi!" Lyra said, pointing to herself with a hoof that had become freed from her body concealing robes.

"You want me to become an alien? Why?"

"Nuh Aleen, Pun ee!" Lyra explained. "Traid plass!"

This took a while for the huumin to decipher. "Trade places?" he asked with his continuing state of complete confusion.

"Yah! Yu bi Pun ee, I be huumin!" Lyra cheered, excited.

"But why?!" He asked in exasperation.

Lyra tapped her chin, and decided to be completely honest. "Mi leik huumin! Hands! Pun ee no hands! Pun ee hav Ma-jick!"

He considered this for a while, before replying. "I can't! I have a family, a job, friends, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I can't just leave. Even if I -did- want to be a magical 'Pun ee'."

"Nu worru! Ma-jick fiks!" Lyra chirped, and began to cast another spell, causing both her horn to glow and the Alicorn Amulet to intensify the bright white glowing of her eyes.

*****

Seeing his demise as imminent, Martin took up his Ice Cream bucket of salvation, and promptly hurled it at the Pun-ee. It splattered all over its face, and he took this moment to turn one eighty and run away. He was stopped by the door, and he fought with the handle that refused to open to his rescue.

"Come on, you stupid door!" He growled, smacking the metal door frame with the palm of his hand, which freed the stuck deadbolt. "Yes!"

He swung the door open and began to sprint, only for his legs to take him nowhere.

"huumin, calm! Nu huhrt!" The thing insisted, as it turned him to face it.

It was about waist high, and looking up at him from its spot on the ground.

"I fiks! Yu si!"

Seeing his fate as final, he could only accept whatever was going to happen to him. There was nothing within arm's reach to hurl at the thing anyway.

As the thing's eyes glowed, his vision was flooded with innumerable pictures, scenes and images of an alien world. The four legged things doing... everyday activities? What was this? Was that a unicorn!? What's going on!?

The rapid flood of information was suddenly halted, and he felt different. He blinked, and noticed that it also felt different than usual. He was also on the carpet?

Looking down, he was shocked that it was way closer than he remembered it being. Also the fact that there was something in front of his face.

or...

"Aaah!" Martin screamed in a voice that was higher pitched than he was accustomed to. He also noticed that he was laying on the ground a few feet away, next to the door...

What!?

He tried to walk towards 'himself', and promptly fell on his face. Looking down, he saw the robes and amulets and other trinkets that the Pun-ee had been wearing before.

Had he been body swapped?!

"Aaaauuuu!" Martin complained, though not Martin. "Aht hut!"

Martin looked to see Not-Martin rubbing his face, and then the following explosion of happyness on his own face (Not-Martin's) at seeing his hand.

Martin watched himself wiggle his own fingers with glee.

Martin, as a Pun-ee, looked to where his own hands would be. He used one of his limbs to part the robes that he was wearing, and saw...

Hooves?

"What's going on!?" Martin demanded.

"Oh! yu Pun ee, Mi huumin! I fiks!"

Martin was about to protest, but the eldritch portal of horror had made a return. The drinks and candles that he had set up around his house for decoration began to rattle, and some even fell from their shelves as the portal solidified.

Then another of those Pun ee's came through the portal. This one was without clothes, and was a shade of purple with wings and a horn!

"Lyra Heartstrings! What have I told you about dark magic and inter-dimensional travel!?" the thing screamed at him, but he had no idea what the hell it was saying. He tried to explain, but he was lifted in a field of purple magic by the thing, and floated towards it.

"What do you have to say for yourself!?"

"Huh?!"

The thing rolled its eyes, and said something to Not-Martin. "I'm SO sorry for her behavior, Mister huumin. Please accept my apologies, as well as these bits!"

The thing then threw some kind of bag at Not-Martin, and carried Real-Martin (As a pun ee) to the entrance of the portal.

"Next time, we're sending Princess Celestia after you!" It growled at him, and promptly threw him into the portal.

*****

"Sorry to bother you!" Twilight called, and Lyra waved with a smile, looking to how her fingers moved with glee.

Twilight then hopped through the portal, and it slammed shut with a final screech.

She had done it! YES!

Huumin land, here I come!

Author's Note

The reason for Lyra's horrible english?
You try learning a dead language from scratch with no resources!

This idea came to mind after listening to the song 'Anthropology.'

Hope you enjoy!