Epic Rap Battles of Equestria!

by bahatumay

Rating: teen
Tags: Random
Length: 1639

Fillies and gentlecolts, gather around as your favorite ponies hold a battle of words to discover the answer to that age-old question: Who is best pony?

Fillies and gentlecolts, gather around as your favorite little ponies hold an (only somewhat canon) battle of words to discover the answer to the age-old question that has plagued equinologists since time immemorial: Who is best pony?

Found this in one of my older folders from June 2013, so there might be a couple dated references.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-14 15:27:43 UTC

Rainbow Dash vs Fluttershy

Epic Rap Battles of Equestria!

Rainbow Dash!

vs

Fluttershy!

Begin!

I am Rainbow Dash, I'm the fastest one around

You can try to keep up with me, but I'm nowhere to be found.

Some ponies say I'm lazy, but that’s not what I see

I see a pony that’s complaining that they’re not as fast as me.

I'll be there to back you up when there’s ponies talkin' smack,

I’m the element of loyalty, you know I got your back.

I've got my own fanclub, you have animals that squeak,

If you're rappin' for best pony, then your argument is weak.

My stunts are legendary, my skills are downright scary,

If I were you, I’d fly home, fast as my wings could carry.

I'm fast, I'm strong, I'm awesome! No matter who you ask

From Cloudsdale up to Canterlot: Best pony's Rainbow Dash!

That's a lot of talk, Rainbow, I guess I am impressed,

but it’d be a real stunt to give your big mouth a rest.

I'm the element of kindness, I don't like being bold,

But sometimes friends need the truth to be told.

Everypony loves you, just ‘cause you can fly?

Here's a newsflash for you—so can I.

So you like racing, new opponents every day,

You just face other ponies, and I guess that that's ok.

But me? I take on dragons, cockatrices, hydras, manticores

It's safe to say my conquest list is on a much higher plane than yours

Sure you have a fanbase, but that's only when you win

My little friends stay by my side, through both thick and thin.

I know I'm pretty quiet, and I know I'm pretty shy,

But these animals all back me up—best pony’s Fluttershy! *squee*

Argh!

Enough with the cuteness! You can't stay cute forever,

My skills are always needed—I help control the weather!

I am strong and fast and awesome, I'm destined for world-wide fame!

I beat you to it, Dashie, everypony already knows my name.

Flying is plain awesome! Animals are overrated.

I wonder what Tank thinks of that. Hey! That's unrelated!

You're talkin' lots of trash, Flutters. What? You think I'm scared?

You’re so cute when you’re angry! Like a cuddly teddy bear!

No! I’m a Wonderbolt! Do not call me cute!

I’ll be saving the world wearin’ my skin-tight suit!

I’ll be making heads spin with my awesome flying moves!

I’ve got magic in my wings and I’ve got magic in my hooves!

You’ve got nothing on me, so don’t you even try!

Rainbow Dash is reigning over little Fluttershy!

Keep calm, Rainbow Dash, just let life Flutter on.

You’re gonna give yourself an aneurysm stressing before long.

The Wonderbolts are nice, in a not nice sort of way

How long until they drop your flank like week old moldy hay?

Look, Rainbow Dash, I don’t mean to be too loud

But I think you’re being the tiniest, little bit too proud.

You may think you’re pretty awesome and a real good rapping champ

But I think you crashed and burned harder than you did at flight camp.

Twilight Sparkle vs Rarity

Epic Rap Battles of Equestria!

Twilight Sparkle!

vs

Rarity!

Begin!

It's rap battle time! I know that I'm excited

And I've done a lot of research, so I know I'll do this right.

So I'll throw in some more street slang, fo' shizzle mah brother!

And I think somewhere in here I'm supposed to insult your mother

And while I'm at it, I'll poke fun at your mane,

And now I'm supposed to say that all your hobbies are lame

And then I'm supposed to brag and tell you all about myself

Huh... But then I'll sound like Trixie.... Oh well.

I’ve got books for days! I’ve got all the knowledge in the world!

I'm organized, I'm brilliant, so move on over, Starswirl.

When you've got a complex issue, question or conundrum,

Just give me a call—I'll solve it, no problem!

I'm an amazing pony! Just ask Spike or Owlicious,

You can ask any pony, you know I'm Twilightlicious.

Oh, puh-lease, darling, that was so four years ago.

Keep up with the times! You’re like last season’s fashion show!

And Spike is on my side. He’s my little Spikey-Wikey

And you’re going to regret ever coming here to fight me.

You create your own problems, just like you did coming here

I’ll verbally spank you and knock you flat on your rear!

I'm in control of my own destiny, don't even try to talk to me

You fixed one grammar error and now just like that you're princessing?

With one little spell you got those wings upon your back

But there's still quite a few things that for princesses you lack.

You have one hammer: magic; so everything's a nail

Magic can't fix everything, darling; it often fails.

You make mountains out of molehills; you have to play the hero

Or maybe you learned nothing from your lesson zero?

Oh, you're talking to me about a calming scene?

This coming from our resident pony drama queen?

Maybe I'll buy tons of ice cream, downing carton after carton

Or maybe get a fainting couch to throw my sorry flank on?

I think you might be jealous of my brand new wings

Because last time that you had some, you really messed up things.

I didn't hear you complaining when I saved us from the dragons

Or when I cleaned up after your ‘inspired’ heavy wagons.

But when it comes to dragons, you're much worse off than I.

You take advantage of Spike, and you don't have an alibi.

You bat your eyes, pretend to cry, even if it’s nothing major

And to your side he almost flies. Voila! You got free labor!

You know, he really likes you; but you’re nothing but trouble.

Here’s a suggestion: why don’t you knit yourself a muzzle?

Leather doesn’t knit well, darling, surely you know that.

Knitting is for sweaters; crocheting’s where it’s at.

But I’m not surprised you do not get the hobbies of the rest of us

You’re only into books and kissing up to dear Celestia.

She is a great teacher. You? Not so much.

I’ve seen you with Miss Glimmer. You don’t have that magic touch.

You lack trust, darling. It’s really quite depressing.

And you force your views on others; you’re a tiny bit oppressing.

With Celestia as my witness, I’m a little bit concerned;

I don’t think you remember all the lessons you have learned.

I think we’re out of time, please excuse me, I’ll be bouncing.

I believe I’ve just delivered one royal trouncing.

Alternate lines:

You use your magic to help, but you only make things worse.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say your magic was a curse.

You need to learn to let your students make their own mistakes

You’ll forgive my bluntness: you don’t have what it takes.

Applejack vs Pinkie Pie

Epic Rap Battles of Equestria!

Applejack!

vs

Pinkie Pie!

Begin!

So the party pony's here, sure am glad you came.

It's good to see you got that frosting outta yer mane

Oh, thanks, Applejack; I didn't know you cared!

And now let's settle this for best earth pony mare!

I'm throwing you a party! I'm hoping you'll be pleased,

I'm really very sorry, but you're gonna lose to me.

I am the best party pony! And you’d better realize

Everypony loves Pinkie; even my presence is a prize!

Everypony loves parties, but work is downright boring!

At my house we're all dancing, but at your house we're all snoring!

You're always bucking apples or gettin' ready for a race,

When you don't work, you just sleep! And Pinkie rests her case.

You know what life would be like, ifn' I didn't work?

There'd be apples on the ground, but there'd be none in yer dessert.

Everypony would be crying, cause all the cider would be gone,

And if you had no apples, you'd stop baking 'fore too long,

There'd be no apple tarts, or apple strudels, or even worse,

There'd be no more apple pie! Stop, AJ, that hurts!

So keep on jokin', Sugarcube, but it's surely plain to see,

Half the things that make you glad are all because of me.

Ooh! Making ponies happy! That's Pinkie's favorite game!

You can say that with apples, but it's really not the same.

Using flour and sugar, I make pastries from scratch!

That's something all the apples in the world just couldn't match!

You're strong and you work hard, Applejack, that's a fact.

But just picking up apples? Even Gummy can do that.

So you think you're really strong from always bucking trees?

I bet you 50 bits you can't bounce everywhere like me!

As for liquid awesomeness you know I'm gonna win this,

I break the fourth wall all the time like it's nopony's business!

Breaking walls? Ha! That's foalish play.

Have you seen the things I do every day?

I can buck every tree in my acres of land,

I got more hoofpower than two party cannons!

Sure you're real quick and you’re pretty random

But sure and steady is how we land 'em.

A country party happens in any weather.

Did you see all the food from our last Apple get together?

When we throw a party, we have a big bonfire!

Plenty of food, with nice cold cider!

Yeah, I know how to work, but I know how to play,

'cause I'm from the country and I like it that way!

(Apple Bloom gently tugs on Applejack's mane.) Hey AJ, what's the fourth wall?

(Applejack shrugs). I don't rightly know. I think Pinkie made it up just to sound smart or something.