O Hai Ponies

He had it. He absolutely had it with being torn apart. First Lisa, then Mark, it seemed as if everyone he knew was bent on tearing him apart.

He remembered vividly ending it all after humping Lisa's red dress.

However, he didn't feel dead. He felt as alive as the day before. Opening his eyes, he was greeted by the sight of trees, trees everywhere. Sitting up and clearing his thoughts, he confirmed what you were probably expecting, "Oh hahaha, I must be in the Everfree forest, ahahaha." Said Johnny, somehow knowing exactly where he was.

He got to his feet, the whole time he was laughing hysterically. "I better make it to Ponyville ahahaha." How he knew all of this was as much of a mystery as where he was born. Some say he was born on Mars or Area 51 as a human-alien hybrid. But that was too far-fetched, his mother clearly found the seven dragonballs and wished him into existence. Makes far more sense that way.

He had been standing still in the woods for at least half an hour, a cold, dead expression on his face all the while. He finally moved, walking down a dirt path. As he walked down the path for a good long hour, he noticed something in the distance. It was a purple unicorn with wings and a bizarre reptile brood mother -or maybe it was just a baby dragon- walking towards him from a good distance away. They hadn't noticed him, their eyes instead fixed on each other as they chatted.

Johnny's inner monkey took over as he got on all fours and hurried behind a nearby bush, waiting to ambush the two creatures. He planned to do it stealthily, throwing footballs at them to kill them. Then he'd eat the meat and use the purple one's carcass as a disguise and live out the rest of his life as a pretty pony princess, which had been Johnny's dream since he was a little girl.

The plan would have gone perfectly if it weren't for the fact he couldn't stop laughing. "Ahaha, hahaha, ohahaha." His obnoxious laughter had given him away, as the two creatures got closer to Tommy's hiding spot, they stopped talking to themselves and stared directly at the bush Tommy was hiding behind. He knew he had to act quick before he was taken as a sex slave, since that was clearly what they wanted with him.

Giving his best warcry, he leaped out the bush and began his assault.

What had been a perfectly average day for the princess turned into an all out football war as a bizarre creature jumped out of some bushes and assaulted her and her assistant with footballs thrown at the 'breakneck' speeds of 0.2 mph.

"Oi, the fuck you doin' there mate?" Yelled Twilight in her newly gained Australian accent, ducking for cover behind a tree. She panted like a dog, her tail wagging too, as she noticed Spike was left standing still out of pure shock.

"SPIKE!" She screamed, it was too late however, for when the first of fifty thrown footballs to finally hit its target collided with Spike's chest, he flew back like the player character in fallout when you drop a shit ton of mines and shoot them.

"AHAHA, ONE DOWN ONE TO GO, AHAHAHA!" Screamed the creature, charging directly at Twilight. Casting a shield with her magic, the inertia prevented Johnny from stopping in time as he slammed head first into the force field, shattering several of his teeth.

"WHY TWILIGHT, WHY WHY WHY?!?!" He said, rolling on the floor in agony. Twilight proceeded to run for her life, only for her escape to be cut short by a projectile teeth. Turning her head around, she saw that Tommy was throwing his own teeth at her like an absolute madman. When a tooth finally hit Twilight in the leg, she fell down in pain.

Walking up behind her was Johnny, sporting a goofy looking smile only wielded by goofy looking serial killers.

"Wh-what are you going to do to me?!" She screamed, eliciting a laugh from Johnny.

"Don't worry about it." He responded in his thick ______ accent.

Twilight attempted to cast a magical attack, only for Johnny to literally eat the beam of energy shot from her horn. "I've got something for you!" He said, in a voice that almost sounded as if he was in love. He reached his hands behind his back and summoned the powers of Rithnar the pagan god of red dresses to pull something out, not a red dress, but rather a dark hood. Draping it over Twilight's head, the last thing she heard was the familiar laughing of a deranged madman.

Rarity trotted out of her boutique, saddle bag draped over her back, as she headed towards the market to buy new materials for a specially commissioned dress. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Twilight, who looked stoned.

"Hit the kush too hard, dear?" She asked Twilight. There was something wrong with her, Rarity could tell.

"O hai Rarity, ahahaha." Twilight said in an accent that was clearly not hers. Rarity looked at her quizzically, only now starting to notice the stitch marks that ran across her body.

"Did Tommy Wiseau just kidnap you, skin you and wear your skin like a coat to live out his dream?" Rarity asked.

Twilight looked shocked, her face now overcome with fear. "You're lying I never skinned her. YOU ARE TEARING ME APART RARITY!" She screamed, using her hooves for emphasis.

Something was very off, Rarity could tell. "Darling, maybe you just need to take a rest and smoke some of that pristine green? Snoop Dogg arrived in town with a very potent package of marijuana dear."

"Anything for my princess..." She said in a voice that immediately gave away her biggest secret to Rarity.

"Darling, you have a crush on me?!" Rarity said, shock evident on her face.

"I love you, I'll do anything in the wurrld for you." She said, her accent still present. Rarity's face turned pure red and she ran for the hills.

Tommylight Sparkle watched her run for her life, thinking to himself, "O hai ponies."