Shipping and Handling

by AuTiSm

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy, Romance
Length: 1898

Equestria faces its worst enemy yet, Tuck Roland, a mysterious creature with the powers of a God.

Collab with Basic Information. Give him some love.
Twilight and her friends must overcome the greatest foe in Equestria's history; Tuck Roland, a man with the powers to make any OTP canon.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-15 00:52:39 UTC

Shipping and Handling, part 1

Le outline

Twas the day before Hearts and Hooves Day, (Still can’t think of a funny sex joke/pun…) Well except for the ones that involved pillows, but that’s besides the point.

Our little story begins outside of the small hamlet of Ponyville, where a certain butterscotch pegasus lives, and said Pegasus was preparing lunch for her animals big and small. The birds, squirrels, ants, bats, bears, snakes, badgers, otters, seals… Crabs, lizards, foxes, geeses, and… Really, gnats, honestly I knew she liked animals and all, I mean it’s my job, I’m the narrator for pete’s sake! But gnats, by whoevers gods that little wallflower needs to get laid, luckily our story should be solving that very very, and when I mean very I mean very soon.

Cue the conflict!

Their was a knock at the door, effectively causing our little wallflower of a Pegasus to jump out of her wings while she was distributing the food out among. . . The gnats. Seriously, if you could see my face right now, it would be the epitome of unamused , I mean what in the living hell do you fed gnats? No matter our little Pegasus looked down at the spilled ‘what I assume to be’ gnat pellets, and before she could even begin to clean it up, their was another even more impatient knock. Know not who it is at the door, the Pegasus hesitantly trots to the door, and with a lung full of air, she unlocks her single deadbolt to crack the door slightly just to see who’s at the door.

She was shocked to see a tall male ape like creature with absolutely no fur on it’s body, well except for it’s head, but it didn’t seem to serve any purpose as it was covered by a dark blue cap. Yet, despite it having no fur, it wore some rather unique clothing to compliment his hat. He was sporting some khaki pants, and a polo shirt that was the nearly the same color as his hat. Also the wallflower noticed a little logo on the shirt that read ‘FedEx’

“Package for a miss Fluttershy.” It said, looking down at the startled pony creeping from behind the door.

“I-I didn’t order any package…” The fact this creature spoke was even more surprising to Fluttershy than the amazing customer service only offered by FedEx. Reliable shipping, reliable prices.

Ok, maybe, just maybe she wasn’t thinking that. Who knows, I’m the narrator here, better start getting use to this shit.

“I’m sorry ma’am, it seems you did.” Suddenly, the creature made a wicked grin, and forcefully opened the door wider.

Fluttershy frightened by the sudden forceful intrusion, back peddled away from the door. Falling on her rump, Fluttershy flinched back, once she saw the strange creature duck through the thresholds of her home. Each time Fluttershy scooched back, the weird creature took a step forward with a menacing glare.

“Y-you have to leave… Please.” the cowering Pegasus pleaded, hoping the ape wasn’t as oblivious as he was rude.

“Ha, you and what arm- Crap baskets, a bear!” That’s all the creature could utter, before the large lumbering beast raised itself to take a swipe at the unwanted lunch destraction.

“Nope!”

However, before the creature could become half of what he was once, literally. He grabbed a pen out of his pocket and tossed it at the with the strength of ten elderly women. As if he actually tried, his poorly aimed shot got the pen lodged in the bears right nostril, causing the beast to flail around wildly. With his death briefly distracted, his attention was brought back to the task that was currently running up the steps and away from him. Without thinking, the creature ran past the bear to chase his prey up the steps. Making his way up, he was greeted by a very irritated bunny with a carrot tilted in his mouth like a cigar.

“Oh, isn’t this cute, you're sure as hell no bear. So how about you move aside and I won’t crush you underneath my boot.” The creature grinned cockly, after all, he just out skilled a bear, what could a bunny rabbit possibly do?

The rabbit smirked through his carrot as well to match the cocky creature.  Taking a bite out of the veggie,  the rabbit dropped it and gave a forward signal to nothing in particular. Chuckling, the creature was prepared to keep to his word as he brought one size eleven boot over top of the small cute fuzzy animal. But that was before all of the sudden his heart grew three sizes bigger that day, and he spared the rabbit and gave gifts to all the girls and boys.

Sike, he got attacked by gnats…

Right before he stepped on the fuzzy rabbit, a swarm of gnats just about engulfed his face causing him to flail in a way that almost seemed karmatic. Not only that, he stepped on the half eaten carrot the devious, not fuzzy but devious rabbit strategically placed at the foot of the steps.

“My eyes!” Those were the last words he uttered before he went tumbling down the steps in a extremely satisfying cartoonish way.

After the bunny heard the last thud, he was about to turn and check on his owner. That was until he heard what sounded like heavy footsteps coming back for blood, yea it’s an oddly specific thing to hear. But he gots big ears, that’s what they’re their for right?

“When I get back up these steps, you're dead you stupid rodent, dead you hear me!”

Just like before, the rabbit waited for the idiot to waltz right back up the steps.

“Now, like I was sa- Aaahhh, my eyes again!” Again, the creature went tumbling down the steps in the same cartoonish fashion.

The rabbit was prepared to do this all night if he had to, actually judging by the devilish grin on his little cute face, I’d say he prefer to. Once again, he heard angry bloodthirsty footsteps coming up the stairs. However the rabbit found it odd that the creature wasn’t shouting obscenities yet. Taking a peek down the stairs, the rabbit was dumbstruck to see the creature had grabbed his owners flight goggles and strapped them onto his face. To be completely honest, they looked like they were cutting off circulation to his brain just by the fact that they were nearly two sizes to small for his ape like head. Still that was something the rabbit was not willing to find out up close, with no options left, the rabbit made a face of nope and hopped away to hide with his owner.

With the creature triumphantly up the steps and his eyes surprisingly gnatless, he was setting his sights on the rodent that made it onto his stomp list. But he was disappointed to see that the little monster was nowhere to be seen. Taking off the brain restricting goggles, he was prepared to search for the bunny. But that was until he realized he had nearly forgot about the little Pegasus he had be harassing before hand. Then as if clock work, his little Pegasus showed her face, preparing for the final boss battle.

Sike again, more gnats.

“Fuuuuu, my eyes!”

This time however the creature didn’t tumble down the steps, instead he just ran through a closed door at full speed, sending splinters of wood everywhere. The shock was enough to cause the flying eye attackers to scatter as he rolled around on the floor as if he was on fire. After he felt the crawling sensation leave his eyeballs, he blinked wearily to catch his surrounds to only discover he was inside of a small room with a single bed in it. The room was covered with portraits of flowers, butterflies, and random woodland animals. The creature stood up and was dumbfounded by the fact that the entire room was strangely empty. Still he had one other observation to make.

“Wow, she must really be a wallflower.”

“I’m not a wallflower… Eep!”Fluttershy made one of the most crucial cartoon mistakes. Responding to a rhetorical question when you're trying to hide. Come on, that’s like cartoon survival one o one.

Quickly looking up, the creature found exactly who he was looking for. The little pegasus was perched up in her ceiling boards, attempting to escape her harasser. But as soon as she was discovered, the screamed and flew right for the open window, why she didn’t just fly through it in the first place. Plot reasons, that’s why, don’t ask stupid questions like that, it’s always plot reasons!

Still for obvious plot reasons, the ape like creature showed amazing agility as he caught the fleeing mare by her tail right before she could make it to freedom. Being shaken by the sudden jerk back, Fluttershy scrambled around but found herself caught underneath the powerful weight of her aggressor. Fluttershy tried to cower away the best she could, but no matter what she did, she could still see the insanely manic grin on the apes face.

“Mwahaaahaahaa, go forth Fluttershy and be the first to make my one true pairing a reality!” With nothing else explained, the creature extended a hand towards Fluttershy’s head and seconds before contact it begun to glow pink with unfamiliar magic.

With nothing left to do, Fluttershy let out one final scream before her world was enveloped in pink.

After the deed was done, the ape thingy finally let up off of Fluttershy. The pegasus reacted in turn by standing up and shaking her head as if their had been cobwebs in them. Opening her eyes revealed them to be mostly normal, except for the little pink hearts in each of her large pupils. As soon as the creature saw her eyes, he knew it was a success, and he knew their was only one thing left to do. Getting down to his knees, he looked the confused pegasus in the eyes, and took one of her small round hoofs in his slightly larger working class hands. Looking deep into heart filled eyes, the creature leaned in close, so close he could smell the… Hay? Hay, oh yea, and that’s totally not a mood killer, I’m pretty sure if they got gnat pellets, they got Tic Tacs. Whatever, she can pick some up on her way to her one true love.

“You know what you must do now Fluttershy?” The ape thingy said in a low and suggestive voice.

“Y-yes, I have to go to her, and tell her how I truly feel… No, I must be bold and make her mine!” Fluttershy responded in an uncharacteristically confident voice while her wings flared wide, preparing for flight.

“Go now, make my dreams a reality!” With his last words said, the creature let go of Fluttershy’s hoof to see her to immediately take the opportunity to fly through her open window and speeds she normally wouldn’t be capable of.

“I’ve done god's work today, I wonder what els-” His external thoughts were immediately cut off by the sounds of growling. Standing up and slowly turning around, he saw the formerly vanquished bear standing above him provocatively, along with the devilish rabbit sitting on his shoulder wielding his pen as a weapon.

“Nope!”