Pony Projectiles

by ayh

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Other, Sex, Science Fiction, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Slice of Life, Crossover, Human, Main 6
Length: 4661

Tellis tosses ponies. Yay! Then things go horribly wrong.

An Age Of Iron story based on the crossover by SFAccountant.

In the future, there is only War.

And Ponies.

And Ponies being used in War.

Tellis tosses some ponies and all is good.

Then things go horribly Wrong.

Published 2016-07-14 22:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-14 22:40:01 UTC

Ponies Are Best Weapons

The loud crack of her bolter rang through the air as Rarity took another shot at the charging Orc hordes.

"Really Darling, you'd think even Orcs would have enough sense not to attack dear Applejack's orchards."

"Your charred corpses will fertilize mah fields!"

"Yeah!," Rainbow Dash cheered as she dove though another attacker, "AJ's home has got to be, like the second most fortified place in Equestria. Right after Ferry-D and above Canterlot."

"Your hollowed skulls will be mah Planters!"

Forming a defensive barrier around Fluttershy, Twilight nodded as the shy Pegasus administered an antiseptic to a shallow cut on the purple alicorn had received from a lucky choppa strike.

"I have to wonder though if there's some form of beacon or magical transmitter buried under Sweet Apple Acres that attracts alien invaders."

"Your blood will water the trees even as their fruit nurture our young!"

"You got to admit though that it makes it super convenient that all the meanies always show up so close to our houses. Think of all the Rhino's saved because the fighting is always within walking distance!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"I'll dip apples in caramel using sticks made from yer bones!"

On the other side of the battle field, Dest’s claws tore through another Orc as the burnt out remains of a Rhino smoked behind him, wooden crates of apples inside adding to the fuel of the flames. "I wasn't even transporting people this time! I have to actually pay for these!"

"Never mind," Pinkie muttered as she stomped on another Orc.

"Well, at least it seems the horde is beginning to thin out, perhaps Applejack will to come down from her apple-lypse rage now," Rarity spoke as her sword sang through the air, decapitating her opponent.

"The Apple Family judges you UNWORTHY! Prepare to feel mah Apple Wrath (TM)! Oh hey girls," the orange pony greeted them with a cordial grin as she spotted her friends for the first time since the battle started. "Didn't see ya'll there. Been here long?"

"Got here as soon as where heard the alarms," Rainbow grinned hovering in the air. "Think Gaela's still in FD with Solon and Princess Luna but Shining and even Cadance showed up for some trade talk thingy before the green skins showed up. Oh! And of course my man Tellis is here too! Hey Tellis! AJ's sane again, come on over!" the rainbow Pegasus yelled to an armored figure swathed in blood even as he sunk his electrified claws into the skull of another opponent.

"SHUT! UP!"

Jumping in shock, all ponies present peered perplexedly at the Iron Warrior.

“I’m not doing that!”

“Uhh, doing what Tellis?” Rainbow asked as she tried to figure out the Chaos Marines rage.

"You always do this! You somehow carve out a safe spot in the MIDDLE OF A BATTLE FIELD and then just start talking! You guys always find a way to just talk! There's killing everywhere but you somehow find a way to stop fighting and discuss strategies and feelings and crap! I'm putting my boot down," he yelled as said armored foot broke thought the spine of a fallen Orc reaching for his shoota. "and saying NO!"

"What!?," Twilight reeled flabbergasted at the Khorne worshipper, "no we -"

"ENOUGH!! Rocketing across the field Tellis grabbed the armored princess of friendship and lifted her high above his head. "I hear by decree and shit that the only talking on a battle field will be totally bitching war cries and cartoony named attacks! Like this!" Reeling the flailing pony back, Tellis launched her at the nearest group of Orcs, "Smart Bomb!"

The lead orc suddenly found himself crushed under several hundred pounds of armored pretty princess pony platting but that did nothing to deter his companions.

Grabbing the next pony available, Tellis continued his hands on tutorial of proper battle field linguistic protocol. "Bitch Bomb!"

Rarity screamed as she was pitched through the air, angling her sword in front of her to keep any icky Orcs as far from her beautiful face as possible. The fabulous fashionista also activated her time displacement device in an attempt to speed up the throw and end her flight as quickly as possible. The result was an ear bleeding shriek heard by squiggoth’s and nearby dogs as well as a streak of white shrouded in a blue magical aura that pierced though the line of oncoming Orcs like an armor piercing bullet; an armor piercing bullet thicker than a man’s torso. The resulting vacuum created from the sudden air displacement sucked any surviving Orcs back, knocking them over.

“Wow, that actually worked better than I thought, I’m going to have to change the name of that one. Damn, but I liked Bitch Bomb.” Pondering for a second, Tellis pounded his fist into his hand, “Oh! ‘Piercing Wail’, or maybe ‘Penetrating Scream’. Meh, I’ll think of something later, now is the time for more BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!”

Turning on his wingmare, Rainbow actually jumped into his arms as she got into position. “Awwww Yeah!”

“And this is why you’re my favorite! Inexplicable Rainbow Explosion!” he roared as he launched the cyan Pegasus, a Sonic Rainboom shaking the ground and blasting the Orc forces apart.

Advancing on the part owner of the property, Tellis spread his arms wide to corral in the panicking farm pony. Turning, the orange Earth pony tried to make a break for it but was caught by the tail and, with a grunt, lifted off the ground.

“Fat-Ass Gravity Bomb!”

Chucking the large boned pony at an oncoming trukk, the cushiony mare activated her gravity shoes in confusion and in an effort to get back onto the ground as soon as possible. The result of that was a hefty armored equine striking like a weighty meteor upon the engine of the trukk, plowing it into the ground even as the tail end flipped end over end into yet more Orc forces.

Screaming in rage, an Orc Nob raised a warhammer high above his head and charged the Chaos Marine. Yet undeterred by this charge, Tellis scanned his immediate surroundings and spotted what he was looking for. Multiple engagements had taught him well on how to pick out the elusive target. Seeming to grab the air above a slight pony sized depression in the soft soil, a small nearly inaudible squeak lost in the roar of battle, he lifted his arm back and seemed to pantomime a throw.

“Stealth Missle!”

The confused charging Orc was caught completely by surprise as his head suddenly impacted with something large and armored, jerking back and snapping his neck. Bursts of light exploded around the falling Nob as photon grenades seemed to shoot out of thin air; blinding surrounding units and leaving them open to the mad Marine’s rocket assisted charge. Blood and gore flew through the air as laughter rang through the ears of the dead.

“Hahahahahaha, I’m throwing a pony but since it’s invisible everyone else just thinks I’m crazy! I love it!”

“Oh oh oh! We already think you’re crazy Tell-y, but it’s the good kind of crazy. Me next! Me next!”

Popping out of her armored suit, Pinkie Pie landed completely unarmored into the arms of the blood soaked warrior.

Looking down at the squishy and unprotected pink sugary pony in his arms, and at her large eager eyes and bright smile, Tellis simply shrugged and reeled his arm back once more.

“I like your enthusiasm pony, I’ll murder a Cake in your honor after the battle for you.” Whether he meant a baked cake or the pony kind would remain unknown as at that moment mighty Tellis made his throw.

“Splattered Pony!”

But rather than splattering against the face of another Orc in a glorious explosion of pink cake frosting, confetti, and guts as he had expected, Pinkie instead curled into a tight ball and bounced off the skull of the Orc, stunning him as she continued to sail through the air. The party pony continued to ricochet and bounce off of multiple Orcs, like some rubber pinball, but in direct and blatant violation to the laws of physics as she seemed to actually gain speed with each bounce. Hitting with seeming unerring accuracy each Orc in the head, an explosion of stars appearing with each strike that for absolutely no reason at all then began circling the heads of each now dazed Orc.

With total disregard for the protective benefits of helmets, Pinkie continued to zip around the immediate area before finally bouncing off one last Orc and arching high into the sky. Popping out of her curled ball form the poofy maned pony landed right back into her armored war machine.

“It’s Party Time!”

Opening fire with all barrels blazing, the bullets and missiles ripped through the swaying and dazed green skinned aliens, mowing them down in their immobile state. Crouching down, Pinkie then rushed forward, her mech suit flashing due to no explicable reason before she jumped out once again, this time clad in a skin tight pink body suit with black stripes down the side with the letters P.VA printed on them and clutching a pistol in her mouth as she ran as fast as she could in the opposite direction even as her armor continued to move forward before it exploded in a massive fireball.

“That made no fucking sense; but explosions! So who fucking cares? RRRRAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!”

“Damn you Tellis!” Twilight yelled as she staggered back to the roaring Iron Warrior, “you can’t keep throwing Ponies like that!”

“Eh, you’re just sore cuz you suck as a projectile.”

“What!?” Twilight reeled back incredulously.

“Yeah, it’s like a different kind of surprise in every box. Except the box is a pony and the surprise is murder! Every other pony had some kind of awesome attack, even Flutters, but you were lame. You get an ‘F’ as a weapon Sparkle.”

Staggering as if she had been struck Twilight stammered as she tried to regain her mental footing, “but-but friendship and ponies; throwing not good ...” Try as she might though, one letter echoed through her mind, obliterating all other thoughts as it grew like a tumor upon her intellect. ‘F – F – F – F – F – F – F – F - F-“

“No! No F’s! Nononono, Imma smart pony, Princess said so.” Twilight whined. Years of expectations and academic self-motivation waged war within her against her common sense as she tried to reconcile failure as something that she should be OK with. Alas, common sense lost out, like a mall security guard up against a black ops bionic navy seal armed and in an attack helicopter.

“I want a re-test!”

“Huh?” Looking down at the purple diminutive equine Tellis watched as she stomped her hoof into the ground and pouted at the giant mutant soldier. Never one to give a fuck though about how stupid a situation was as long as he got to kill something, and to do so with a cute pony to boot, he reached out once more towards the alicorn princess.

Only for a magenta field to stop his hand before it reached his target.

“What the hell?”

“Shining?”

Trotting up to the pair in his flak armor, Shining Armor, Captain Consort to Princess Mi Amore’ Cadenza stood between Tellis and Twilight and craning his neck, leveled a hard stare at the hulking killing machine.

Sadly for Shining, Tellis still had no fucks to give and so he wrenched his arm free of the aura and made another grab for Twilight. Only for it to once again be stopped, this time by a more substantial shield in front of his fingers.

Glancing once more at the stallion, Tellis was about to extend his claws and rend through the shield and the pony projecting it when something caught his eye. There was something in the look that Shining was leveling at him. A look only two experienced board gamers can give, a look shared between veteran D&D players, which master Yugi-Oh card players offer each other. A look that spoke of love, a love for something the rest of the universe found completely and utterly stupid, but to those privy to its secrets, they knew down to their souls. It wasn’t stupid, it was fucking AWESOME.

This Pony Understood.

Withdrawing his hand, Tellis watched in silence as the white stallion gave a small nod of his head and then turned towards his sister, using one hoof to tilt her helmet and face towards him so that they could look each other squarely in the eyes.

“Hey, how’s the world’s best LSBFF doing?”

Twilight blinked as something seemed to register within her subconscious, proving that Pavlov’s dog could be conditioned to do more than one thing. “Uh, fine I was just, just… wait, was I really asking to-“

Casually cutting off her train of thought before it could reach the station, Shining continued. “It sounded like you were going to take another test.”

“Huh? Test?”

“Yeah, you like taking tests right?”

“Uh, well yeah…”

“And who’s the best little test taker in her whole class?”

“Well, I don’t want to brag but that would be me.” Twilight responded, a proud blush coloring her cheeks.

“And who always gets A’s on her report cards?”

“I do!”

“And who’s Princess Celestia’s best and most favorite student?”

“Me!”

“And who’s going to beat this nasty ole’ re-test with flying colors?”

“I am! I am!” Twilight cheered bouncing on her hooves.

“Then Big Brother’s going to help his little Twilly get an ‘A’! Time for the airship ride~.”

With a burst of magic, Shining Armor picked up his little sister and taking hold of her left fore and hind legs began to spin her around. Keeping her back straight and looking forward, Twilight Sparkle circled her brother as she continued to pick up speed, her mind automatically focusing on maintaining an aerodynamic form in response to the familiar sensation of being spun around by her sibling.

Spinning faster and faster, Shining Armor kept Twilight close to his center of mass like a pro discus thrower until the last instant as he released her, arcing her high into the air, a noticeable buildup of magic formed around her horn.

As she sailed over head, the force harmonizer suddenly seemed to burst to life as it opened fire all around her, pin point strikes and deadly beams of laser light lashed out at machine gun speeds as they impaled foes and opponent vehicles. But for all the rapid fire given off not a single shot ever strayed nor came close to hitting a friendly mercenary or ally.

Taking in the entire battle field from her aerial position, Twilight’s analytical mind instantly recognized all the most dangerous targets, and listed them in descending priority. Zeroing in on the largest concentration of high priority targets and mathematically determining the numeric value of each target and the total value and comparing it to any surrounding targets and confirming that an optimal solution had been found, Twilight made a slight adjustment to her course by adjusting her wing slightly and zoomed right towards her intended target, a collection of Nobs directing the remaining Orc forces. Her horn at maximum charge, Twilight impacted with the targets.

The explosion of arcane magic could be seen from the Everfree Forest.

Turning towards Tellis, Shining Armor nodded towards the explosions crater. “Twilly is special. You can’t just toss her like some noob, she requires somepony who knows her inside and out and will treat her right. You’ve got a lot to learn if you ever even want to think about using her to her maximum potential.

Tellis's response was to stare appraisingly at the damage a properly executed Smart Bomb had done before rocketing away. A startled squawk was heard from across the decimated orchard before Tellis returned with a rather worn out Rainbow Dash.

“Whoa dude, you thinking of tossing me again? Easy there, I think I’ve got a concussion.” Rainbow woozily slurred out, hanging limp in Tellis’s grip.

“Com’on, don’t be a downer babe.”

“Hey, Rainbow Dash isn’t some downer, I’m always cool!” the Pegasus exclaimed as she shook herself and got back into throwing position.

“Damn Right!” Rocketing backwards until he was far out of the battle zone, Tellis blasted at full throttle back to Sweet Apple Acres, adding his speed to his throw as he shot the prismatic Pegasus through the air. The winds screamed as an armored Pegasus tore through them, a massive nose cone forming before her greater than any she had done in combat before.

“Nuclear Rain-BOOOOOOOOOM!”

*THOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

The Rainboom exploded in a rainbow of colors and carnage seen all the way to Canterlot and beyond. Buildings and fortifications were ripped off their foundations and barns were razed. Bodies were scattered to the four winds and battlements were obliterated.

Sadly Tellis had miscalculated the point of the explosion so it had occurred almost entirely over the Apple homestead, doing damage almost exclusively to the forces of Choas and their allies.

And still, Tellis had no fucks to give.

Landing next to the unicorn captian, Tellis proudly pointed to the destruction of his own people, “Mine’s bigger than yours; and shinier too.”

Sickened at the senseless loss of life and limb (human life and pony limb) of their forces Shining Armor shook his head in disgust.

“You really don’t know what you’re doing do you? You have absolutely no respect for the art nor grasp of the most basic rules and –“

“Ahh, you’re just jealous because I have best pony.”

“You think Rainbow Dash is Best Pony?” Grinding his teeth, Shining held his hoof to his side and in a burst of magenta magic summoned Princess Mi Amore’ Cadenza to his side.

“Huh, wha? Shiny what’s going on? I was in the command center at Town Hall when suddenly you teleported me here. Why –“ Clad in a military officer’s uniform of the Crystal Empire that seemed to focus more on making her cute rather than intimidating, Cadance suddenly found herself lifted into the air by the other half of her soul. One foreleg immediately tucked under her while the other speared straight out, her wings spread part way to maximize lift while minimizing drag, and her head unconsciously tilted down to ensure the horn would be pointed forward while still allowing her to look forward if she tilted her eyes up.

Completely oblivious to what her body was doing, Cadance continued to speak, ‘-did you teleport me here Shiny? Our last reports indicated that we had been winning when suddenly the Orcs detonated some sort of unknow weapon –“

Hefting his love and light above his head, Shining gave a few test pumps of his legs while Cadance kept in perfect position the whole time. Looking over to Tellis with disdain, Shining motioned with his snout towards the mad man’s hand.

Taking the hint, Tellis extended his hand and took hold of the pink pony projectile.

“-and why did it look like a Rainboom Shining? We need to rally our remaining forces before the Orcs and their Squiggoth Calvary regroup –“

Gripping the barrel of the Crystal Princess, Tellis gave a few experimental squeezes. Her midsection was firm and warm, yet just giving enough to provide comfort and conform to his fingers. It was as if some goddess from beyond had designed the perfect gel hand grip and given it pony form.

Tossing her lightly in the air a few times, Tellis tested her balance as well. Her balance was perfect as well, falling precisely at her middle, her hind legs stretched out just enough to counter balance the weight of her head and horn.

Even her tail seemed to defy gravity and extend perfectly out from her to provide stabilization during flight.

She Was Perfection.

Well except that she was still talking but as long as it didn’t actually stop the flow of battle Tellis had long since stopped giving a fuck about that.

Unable to resist any longer he reeled his arm back only for a magical aura to snatch the projectile out of his hand and back to Shining Armors loving hooves. Looking her over to ensure that her perfect form had not been sullied by just the brief touch of the Chaos Marine, the leader of the Crystal Empire’s military forces and begrudging friend of humanity turned his wife over and about as he wiped any smudges that had transferred onto her coat from Tellis.

And all the while Cadance retained her position giving no indication that she was even aware that she was being manhandled.

“-we still have a few troops left that we can use to reinforce our Ponyville fortifications now that it looks like Sweet Apple Acres has fallen. Thankfully the Orcs have been greatly reduced in numbers to a small band, but even a small band of Orcs is bigger than most Crystal Empire regiments. My love, you need to fall back to-“

Raising her high above him once again, Shining Armor took a deep breath, his upper body seeming to swell in size as he stared down the regrouped and charging Orc warband. His hind legs taking a wide, solid stance, he leaned back and with a mighty grunt, hurled his wife and reason for living towards the murderous onslaught.

An aura of pure crystalline magic seemed to form around her as her cutie mark began to glow, crystals erupting from the ground in her wake as she flew past. Shoota’s fired and missiles were launched but none came near her as the subtlest of wing adjustments moved her ever so slightly out of any lucky shot’s path. So imperceptible were her movements that most would swear that she hadn’t moved at all and that death simply parted around her.

Like a lance of pure light with a core of pink hued love at its center, the Mi Amore’ Missile tore through the center line of Orcs similar to the Piercing Shriek but continued on before detonating in a wave of aurora colored light and an explosion of red hearts at the center.

“Meh, the piercing is fine, but the explosion wasn’t anything special,” Tellis shrugged. “Big letdown after all the hype if you ask me.”

“Wait for it…..”

Over at the Orc side, the Warboss for the now decimated band propped himself up from where he had fallen from his Squiggoth. All around him his boyz were doing the same.

“Whots going on now? Why’s even them horsez now toss-em themselves our ways, and why’s them keep exploding all tha time?”

All around him crystals had erupted from the ground blocking the immediate charge of the Squiggoth cavalry and impaling several soldiers. And from above cutsie red hearts drifted down. The love magic saturating the area would have put a battalion of changelings into a food induced coma had there been any nearby.

Sadly the Orc heart knew not love nor had even the capacity to feel such an emotion.

Getting back to his feet, the warboss was about to kick his Mork damned boyz back into shape when he was suddenly tackled from behind by his own giant Squiggoth.

A giant excited Squiggoth, with hearts in its eyes as it looked at its master.

“What the fuck?”

And Fuck it did.

All across the battered orchard Orcs were pounced upon by their own Squiggoth mounts, though it was now the Orcs themselves that found themselves becoming the mounts.

Screams of unholy rage and confusion rang out as the Orcs found themselves screwed in every sense of the word by their porcine war beasts and their corkscrew shaped phalluses. All around squeals of love mixed with the roars of gun fire and chainsaws as the Orcs fought back against their own forces. Chaos descended, took one look at the events going on and proceeded to spew its warp spawned guts out across the field.

Looking out at what had once been a glorious kick-ass battle field but now turned into an abomination of everything he ever believed in, Tellis turned to Shining Armor, his twisted armor hiding the look of horror and disgust crossing his face.

“You are one sick little pony.” Tellis mumbled as he grabbed the face of an oncoming Orc and squashed it.

“Heh, I know.” Shining Armor smirked as he jumped out of the way of a choppa strike and shooting a baseball sized sphere into the open mouth of the Orc attacking him before expanding it, blowing its head apart.

“No, not sic as in cool, sick as in ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’.” Tellis asked as he extended his claws and tore the throat out of a charging Squiggoth in love.

Rather than respond, Shining simply gave an unsettling grin that caused even the hardened Khorne worshipper to step back. Missing the sight of another bubble shield appearing around the head of another Orc but this time contracting, crushing the head within it.

Though Tellis himself could give no fucks, Shining Armor and Cadance were beasts of a different nature, and fucks they could give. Many fucks indeed.

With the Orc assault now ended (well except for the one now happening on their actual asses), Cadance and Twilight lay smoldering side by side in a crater where they had landed, noses just above ground level as the rest of them had cut deep furrows into the soil.

“Twilight, has Shiny been, um, secretly training us?”

“……… you know, the implications of that is something I’d really not want to think about.”

“Agreed,” Cadance acknowledged, though in her mind the seeds of a new war had been planted. A war not of guns and bombs, but of love. Love at horn point if needed. Maybe Shining was on to something after all.

In the Warp, Slaanesh laughed.

Author's Note

Thank you to everyone who took their time to read this and especially to SFAccountant for asking me to post this. I'm posting this along with my first story so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right.

Check out SF's Age of Iron group!

File: Shining Armor
Master Pony Tosser

Shining Armor is a exemplary example of a model pony tossing champion. A firm believer in quality over quantity, Mr. Armor has eschewed surrounding himself with a large number of tossable ponies and has instead focused on a mere hoofull of outstanding pony projectiles. The first and still a sentimental favorite of his still receives regular visits and upkeep despite now living away from Mr. Armor.
http://coub.com/view/8p10o

His current project is the culmination of all that he has learned and achieved over the years and is to put it simply, perfect.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsmJ81SXE4M

But no true master of the art of pony tossing ever rests upon his laurels. It is rumored that Shining Armor is already working with the Mi Amore' Missile to develop a new form of tossed pony. A powerful autonomous drone that can be deployed at will to fulfill complicated search and destroy missions.
(All credit of concept of this powerful new generation of tossed ponies goes to Vavacung. Please check out his site.) http://vavacung.deviantart.com/art/Side-Art-Play-With-Father-587490618

Assistant Spike is also rumored to be in on the research and is looking into ways to further increase the versatility of the drone by allowing it to become a flight assisted harness and portable long range fire support unit.
(All credit of concept of this powerful new generation of tossed ponies goes to Vavacung. Please check out his site.) http://vavacung.deviantart.com/art/FanArt-Crystal-Empire-Heroes-600347214

Though as of this date all of this is still speculation and no confirmed details have been uncovered yet. Still it is exciting to think of what new developments this genius of the field of pony projectiles may think up of next!