Princess-issity

by lavendernoodle

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 1419

Being a Princess isn't all crowns and jewels. It's blood, sweat, and tears. Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight have a lot more on their hands then you'd think. Mainly, each other.

Being a Princess isn't all crowns and jewels. It's blood, sweat, and tears. Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight have a lot more on their hands then you'd think. Mainly, each other.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-24 04:00:01 UTC

The Only Chapter

Twilight's back felt as if it would give out under the weight. She took deep breaths in, deep breaths out. Quickly, Twilight wiped her forehead free of sweat and placed her hand back onto the floor. Her knees ached as they scraped on the scratchy carpet.

"How is this going to help me become a Princess, again?"

Hundreds of weights were shifted onto Twilight's shoulders. Twilight let out a moan of pain.

"Twilight, it is a team building activity," Luna said, climbing onto her sister's shoulders.

"I understand, Luna, but I don't think I have a body type for holding this much weight..." Twilight huffed, shifting until her elbows rested on the ground. "And another thing...I think this is going to be more of a tower than a pyramid."

"Human pyramid," Cadence retorted, holding her index fingers and thumbs in a triangle shape. "Believe in the power of the pyramid."

Twilight shut her eyes as she felt her muscles giving out. Cadence climbed onto Luna's shoulders as Twilight let out a silent prayer.

Dear Faust in heaven, let the souls of the good angels heal me when this is over. If I have done something to upset thee, I ask for forgiveness. If---

"Oof!"

"You okay up there, Luna?" Twilight asked, her voice but a whisper.

"Dearest sister, would you mind getting your ginormous ass out of our face?"

"What, this ass?" Celestia teased, waggling her butt.

How would her butt even be in her face? Twilight turned her head as much as she could manage until she saw Celestia's butt (obviously controlled by magic) hovering in front of Luna's face. Celestia howled with laughter.

"Knock it off, you too," Cadence spat, reaching down to give Celestia a good smack on the head.

"Ouch!" Celestia whined, while Luna laughed.

Finally, Twilight couldn't breathe, and collapsed, sending the tower of Princesses spiralling down.

"Twilight!" Cadence yelled. "What about the pyramid?"

"I think I need to go to the hospital."

"Dear, heavens Princess! You've broken all of your rib bones. How...how exactly did this happen?"

Twilight opened one eye, looking around the hospital room until she found the nurse. "Pyramid," she whispered.

"Right. Okay sweetheart, I'm just gonna call your parents---"

"No!" Twilight sat up, which immediately cause a pain worse than being eaten alive by savage dogs on the surface of the sun. Nurses pushed her back down. "Call...Tia..."

"Isn't she the one who got you into this mess?" Twilight nodded. The nurse sighed. "Okay. You're the Princess."

"Twilight, there you are, you sexy beast!"

Celestia came over and hugged Twilight. "Oof, that really hurt..."

"You'll be fine." Tia lifted a finger, golden magic flowing from the tip. The magic swirled around Twilight's chest, and then wrapped her tight. Twilight gasped with pain before she felt immediately better. "I don't know why you didn't just ask me to do that for you in the first place."

"Even if I asked, you wouldn't have."

"Eh. You're right."

Luna and Cadence walked through the door, and then gave Twilight hugs.

"So, I guess I'll be able to continue my Princess training, right?" Twilight asked.

"I guess. Honestly, Twilight, I don't know what you think 'Princess training' is. Luna and I didn't exactly get any training," Tia said, folding her arms across her chest. "And I don't even want to know what Cadence got. Probably a big di---" Cadence slapped her on the arm. "Ow!"

Galaxia looked up from her newspaper, blowing smoke rings. "What'd you say, Tia?"

"Mommy, I don't know how to do this math problem."

Galaxia stood, her hips aching. She walked to the kitchen counter where her filly stood. Galaxia scanned the paper, the numbers prodding her brain. "Tia, I dunno if I can do this. Math is tough for mommy."

Her daughter made puppy eyes. "But...Daddy is away and...you're a queen. I know you can figure it out."

Galaxia made another smoke ring as Luna began to cry. Galaxia held her daughter, dropping her cigarette into the ash tray. "Dad will be back in a couple of hours. Don't worry."

"Cadence!"

The tiny pink pegasus zoomed into the room. "Yes, aunty?"

Celestia examined her hoof. "Can you bring me my wine?"

Celestia cringed. "You know what, now that I think about it...you might be better off without Princess training."

Twilight soon discovered that by becoming a Princess, her new title was "The Princess of Books." People told her it suited her, but Twilight knew she would have to get used to it. Celestia had forced her to move to Canterlot to become her personal secretary.

Twilight thought that she was more of a servant.

"Tia!" Luna yelled, stomping through the royal quarters. "Where is our shampoo?"

"I used it!" Celestia called back. She threw the shampoo from her bathroom.

"Dear Faust," Luna whispered to no one in particular. "Twilight Sparkle. We order thee to sanitize this at once."

Twilight held the shampoo with her magic. "Uh, couldn't you just run it under some soapy water---"

"Sanitize!" Luna slammed her door shut.

A maid came and took the shampoo. Thanking the maid, Twilight saw Cadence walking down the hall.

"Hey, Twily!"

"Hi, Cadence. Aren't you supposed to be in the Crystal Empire? With Shining?"

Cadence waved the comment away. "Nah. I'm probably gonna divorce him, you know."

Twilight was shocked. "Well, he really likes you..." Her voice faded as the other Princess walked away.

Soon enough, Celestia emerged from her bedroom. "There you are. I've been looking all morning."

"You never came out of your room, Tia." Twilight scanned the Princess. "Isn't that...a little innapropriate for your royal court?"

Tia examined her outfit. "What, this?" Twilight could see seven-eighths of Tia's butt. "It's fine Twilight."

Tia gave Twi a firm smack on the ass. "Let's go, shall we?"

"The Royal Court is now in session!"

The squire called out to the crowd, "Tonight Queen Faust has blessed each and every one of us with a meeting with our lovely Princesses. First is..." The squire leaned next to Celestia. "Are...are you serious?" She nodded. "Erm...Princess Molestia of the Sun!"

Celestia stood and the crowd clapped awkawrdly. The squire continued, "Luna of the Night! Mi Amore Cadenza of Love!"

Twilight's heart raced. "And finally, Twilight Sparkle of Books!" The crowd clapped as Twilight stood and waved.

Twilight smoothed her hands over her poofy dress. It was the one that Rarity had made her for her twenty-third birthday, but when Twilight became a Princess, Luna had all of her dress tampered with. The dress was now covered in lace, frills, and bows.

Although, Twilight didn't really mind. All of her fellow Princesses were wearing similar silly looking outfits. Twilight also felt the most mature out of all of them. Cadence was painting her nails, Luna was messing with the stars, and Tia was half naked.

Questions gradually rolled more and more onto Twilight, and she was happy to be in charge of the first Royal Court she attended. The peasants around her were incredibly stupid, so Twilight now knew how her mentor was able to keep such a meeting together each moon.

"That's all the time we have," Twilight said later in the day. "We thank you all for coming, and we will see you next moon."

Though she hated to say it, Twilight was becoming tired of her Princess duties. Cadence had officially left Shining, who was now struggling to rule an empire and raise an alicorn child. Luna spent days at nightclubs. Celestia was constantly hitting on Twilight, showing Twilight their fanfiction.

"Celestia, I don't have time to read literature written by peasants," Twilight responded one morning while reaching for the cheerios.

"But Twiliiiiiight," Tia whined. "Look at this chapter. We're brushing our teeth together!"

"What?" Twilight looked over, only to see a very unsafe for work image of her and her mentor.

Tia grinned smugly. "Made ya look."

"Dear Faust, Tia."

"Well, I think this is cute..." Twilight said, holding up a dress to Tia's body. One that was a bit more modest.

"I don't like it, Twi. It's not cool enough."

"You know, you sound just like Rainbow Dash right now."

At Thanksgiving, Twilight had the chefs prepare an incredible meal.

"Can you pass the salt?" Cadence asked.

"I don't know, can you pass geometry?" Luna asked.

"THAT'S IT. I SWEAR TO FAUST WE AIN'T DOIN' THAT THIS YEAR. GET OUT OF MAH HOUSE."