Everypony Dates Everypony Else

by Jay David

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Slice of Life, Other, Romance
Length: 4220

When a powerful force gains control of Equestria, dating ensues

Now, when one hears of an all-powerful force, with complete control over the world and everypony in it, there are many things you'd expect that force to want to do. What you probably wouldn't expect, however, is for it to take everypony under the sun and make them date one another in a strange out-of-time dimension.

But, that's exactly what the ponies and other beings of Equestria now have to contend with, as they go through every combination you can imagine.

...Or at least until the guy gets bored anyway.

Published 2016-07-22 06:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-12 18:28:06 UTC

The Premise

Slowly, Twilight opened her eyes, a look of grogginess upon her face. As she lifted herself up as best she could, she raised one hoof to her head, nursing herself there.

"Ugh...that's the last time I go through any late-night study sessions."

A moment or two passed as she let those words sink in, after which, she snorted and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah...it's not."

But, it was here that she actually managed to take stock of her situation. For the place she now found herself was not her chambers in the Friendship Palace, nor was it anywhere she even remotely recognised. From the most she could tell, she was sitting at a table surrounded by an empty expanse of darkness. Naturally, such surroundings would be disturbing for anypony to find themselves in, and as Twilight looked around, she did so with a look of concern.

"Um...hello?"

No voice answered her, so, she did the next best thing, and simply started to move away from her table. She leapt out of her chair and started flying off as fast as her wings could carry her, straight into the shadows around her. She flew on and on, never stopping, until, finally, she managed to spot something in the distance. She smiled to herself and upped her pace, only to bring herself to a screeching halt. For the place she now saw before her was that same table she'd left not so long ago. She looked over her shoulder, and again, saw nothing but darkness, before once more looking to the table and chair.

"This...this doesn't make any sense!"

"Well, not before it's explained anyway."

Twilight froze at the arrival of the second voice, and she looked all around her. But, as per usual, it was in vain, given that the table and chair was all she could see.

"Who...who are you?"

A deep laughter followed.

"I am the one in charge, that's who. I have brought you here, Princess Twilight, to this domain of my choosing, and here things will go according to my design!"

Gradually, Twilight narrowed her eyes.

"...Discord?"

Again, a hearty chuckle followed that.

"Hardly! But trust me, he'll get his chance in this place sooner or later."

Twilight gulped, realising that, whoever this was, they were indeed the one in control of the situation. So, for the moment, she played the part of the diplomat.

"Look, Mister...whoever you are. I don't know what it is you want, but I promise you, I mean you no harm."

Silence followed for a few minutes, and when it ended, the voice spoke in a more jovial tone than before.

"Oh, I'm well aware of that, Miss Sparkle. And I assure you, I mean you no harm either. I simply brought you here for a task of great importance."

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Um...what?"

The mysterious voice drew a breath, a sure sign that something grand and epic was about to be said.

"I am going...to set you up on a date!"

The silence that followed was so great that you could hear a pin drop, as Twilight simply stared into the shadows around her. The look on her face made it obvious to anypony that she didn't quite believe what she'd just heard, which was further reinforced when she finally spoke up.

"Um...I don't think I quite understood that."

Another laugh followed.

"It's quite simple, my dear. I am going to use my grand and limitless powers to set you up on a date. Then, when it's done, I'm going to do the same to somepony else, and then another and another and so on."

Twilight blinked slowly.

"Um...why?"

"Well...you know those kids who hold little toys of their favourite characters together and tell them to kiss because they think it's cute?"

Twilight nodded, prompting the voice to continue.

"Well, think of it like that, but with real people."

As one would expect, this led to Twilight slapping her forehead in frustration.

"Ugh! That...that is...the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard anypony using their overwhelming power for!"

The voice above gave a snort to that.

"What, stranger than re-writing history or making it rain chocolate? Or, perhaps, using magic to make everyone obsessed with a doll?"

That last one caused Twilight to open her mouth and point up in an accusing manner, ready to denounce those claims. But, as she let the words sink in, she lowered her hoof, turning away from the voice in a huff, much to the latter's satisfaction.

"Yeah, thought so."

Looking back up, Twilight frowned.

"So...I'm going to be stuck here to go on a bunch of dates with complete strangers for your amusement?"

"Oh no! It won't just be you! And I can promise you right here that there'll be plenty you know and like that you'll be having dates with."

Twilight raised another eyebrow.

"...Who?"

After a moment, the voice laughed.

"Well, I'm glad you asked."

Twilight hung her head low.

"Which means I'm not going to be."

Slowly, she started to slink off in the direction of the table, and soon, she was once more seated next to it. After tapping her hoof on it in an impatient manner, she let out a long sigh.

"Okay...let's get this over with."

The unseen voice, after hearing that, let out a noise that could only be described as a "squee", much to Twilight's irritation.

"Alrighty, Princess! Your first date of our little adventure is...!"

Twilight and Mayor Mare

"...Mayor Mare!"

Twilight's ears perked up upon hearing the unexpected name, and before she could say or do anything in response, there was a bright flash of light just across from her, on the other side of the table. When the light died down, the Princess saw that the elected leader of Ponyville was indeed there, sitting opposite her and, rather understandably, was looking more than a little shocked at her situation.

"Wha...what's...where am I?!"

"It's okay, Mayor," Twilight responded.

Only here did the older mare notice her Princess here, and while startled, she quickly composed herself a bit, giving a slight bow of her head before speaking up, albeit in a clearly unsure manner.

"Princess! I...I must confess, I was not expecting to see you here."

Twilight let out a dry chuckle.

"Trust me, I wasn't expecting to be here. But, we are."

Looking around, the Mayor was appearing nervous about all of this, to which Twilight could not blame her.

"So...where is here anyway?"

Twilight let out a sigh and, in the organized and collected way she was so known for, began to explain their situation. She talked about everything, from the mysterious voice, to their inability to escape for the time being, and even, more importantly, their reason for being here in the first place. That latter point seemed to cause a slight blush on the face of the Mayor, and she cleared her throat somewhat before finally replying to all of that.

"Well, I...that's a lot to take in. I mean...the two of us are...dating right now?"

Twilight gave a brief laugh at the whole situation, nodding as she did so.

"It seems that way."

The Mayor tugged at her collar a bit.

"I...pardon me for saying this, Princess...but surely this voice fellow could have picked somepony more worthy of dating a Princess such as yourself?"

To that, Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"There's no need to go and put yourself down like that, Mayor. I'm sure any pony, stallion or mare, would be lucky to go on a date with you."

The Mayor looked down at the table, giving a laugh even drier than the one Twilight had given not so long ago.

"You're very kind to say so, Princess...but I'm hardly a catch-of-the-day."

Twilight shook her head.

"Nonsense! You're organized, diligent in your work, a respected member of the community..."

"And old, Princess," the Mayor finished.

Twilight took a moment to look at her, only to surprise her date by giving a short giggle.

"I'm sorry, but...you're hardly that old. Besides, don't tell anypony I said this, but..."

For a few seconds, Twilight took the time to look around herself, making sure nopony else could hear them, before turning back to the other mare and finishing her sentence.

"...Celestia is older than both of us by centuries, remember? And if she can continue to catch a pony's eye every now and again, I'm fairly certain you can."

The Mayor placed a hoof over her mouth, doing her best to stifle whatever laugh Twilight's words had caused in her, almost as if she were worried Celestia herself might hear. But, when it sank in for her that this was not going to happen, she allowed herself a moment to simply join in on the laugh that Twilight was having right now. When it died down, the Mayor sighed, reaching up and taking off her glasses, carefully placing them upon the table, before looking back up at her Princess.

"Well...I suppose I could let myself enjoy a brief date. If we're stuck here, might as well enjoy it, right?"

The look on Twilight's face made it clear that she shared her date's reluctant acceptance of the situation. For a while, however, she didn't seem to know what to talk about, but, after almost a full minute of silence between the two mares, the young Princess finally said something.

"So...how have you been?"

The Mayor gave a nod before answering.

"I've been good. Thank you for asking. My work takes up a lot of my time, so I don't usually get the chance to go out much for things like this."

A grimace crossed her face as she looked away.

"I shudder to think of how much paperwork I'll have to do just for this amount of absent time."

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Say...when was the last time you took time off."

Here, the other mare seemed somewhat hesitant.

"Oh...I don't want to bore you with things like that, Princess."

Twilight shook her head.

"No, I want to know."

While again hesitant, the Mayor eventually let out a deep sigh, avoiding the younger mare's eyes as she finally answered.

"I'd say, about...six months?"

Twilight's eyes widened.

"Six?! That settles it! When we get out of here, I'm arranging for you to go on vacation!"

The Mayor raised her hoofs in an almost defensive manner.

"Oh no! You don't need to do that! My work...!"

"Your work can wait, Mayor. No pony should go on that long without a little R and R."

A look of inspiration then crossed the Princess' face.

"In fact...I think I could ask Rarity to take you on a day to the spa. I'm sure you'd love that!"

But, far from seeming satisfied with that suggestion, the Mayor simply seemed all the more reluctant.

"Look...Princess...I appreciate all of this, but...I just can't."

Twilight's smile faded.

"But...why?"

Slowly, the Mayor's face looked up to her, and she frowned slightly.

"I mean no disrespect when I say this, but...ever since you came to Ponyville, ponies have been going to you more and more for help. In time...I became..."

She looked down at the table.

"...useless. If I went away for a bit, and everything just ran on fine without me...it would just prove it."

Twilight seemed stunned by such words.

"But...you're not useless! Ponyville needs you! It's always needed you!"

And empty laugh escaped the Mayor at that.

"I thank you for the kind words, but...we both know that's not true. Let's face it...you are the only leader this town of ours needs. It hasn't needed me for...a very long time."

Silence passed between the two mares, and for a time, Twilight had no idea what to say. What could she say? But, as she looked to her date, seeing her sink further and further into a saddened state, her expression became a determined one, and she reached forward, placing her hoof upon hers. This caught the Mayor's attention immediately, and when she looked up, she saw Twilight's fierce eyes.

"I can't claim to understand how you might have felt these last few years. But I can tell you this...it was never my intention to make you feel neglected or without worth."

The Mayor was taken aback, but stayed silent as the Princess continued.

"Maybe I have assumed more of a position of leadership, and yes, maybe I did all that without realising what it might have meant for you. But trust me when I say that this town still needs you there, Mayor. After all..."

Her expression softened into a smile.

"...remember how peaceful things were before I showed up?"

The older mare considered this, and all of the rest of Twilight's words, and after a brief moment of further silence between the two, the former started to finally break out into a small smile of her own.

"I...guess you're right. I mean, no offense, but...we never did have world-ending catastrophe's on my watch."

Twilight giggled to that, which the Mayor promptly joined in on. When that laughter ended, the latter sighed again, looking up to her Princess.

"Thank you, Prin...Twilight. This was...nice."

Twilight's smile widened.

"No problem, Mayor."

While satisfied at all of this, the Mayor, just for a moment, seemed hesitant about something, culminating in her clearing her throat before finally speaking up to Twilight again.

"Actually, my name is...Flitter Flutter."

Twilight looked taken aback by this confession, but soon composed herself again, smiling warmly once more.

"Thank you...Flitter."

The older mare smiled, but, before she could say anything further, she was shocked to find that Twilight was now bathed in a bright light. When it faded, she realized, to her horror, that the young Princess was gone, and her chair empty. Naturally, this caused a great deal of concern for her.

"P...Princess?!"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about her, Mayor. You and her have had a pretty good date, but now, it's time we moved on."

The arrival of the unseen voice caught the mare off-guard, but, having been pre-warned by Twilight about this being, she had already prepared herself, narrowing her eyes at the darkness around her.

"What have you done with the Princess?!"

A laugh followed that demand.

"Trust me, she's safe, frozen in space and time and all that, ready for when I need her next. As for you, however, it's time we moved onto date number two!"

The Mayor opened her mouth to speak, only to stop when the voice interrupted her.

"And for our illustrious Mayor of Ponyville, you're next date for the evening is...!"

Mayor Mare and Bulk Biceps

"Yeah!"

The Mayor barely had time to react before, right in front of her very eyes, the familiar hulking form of Bulk Biceps emerged out of thin air. Though taken aback by this sudden arrival, much like she felt about everything around here, she soon composed herself, adjusting her glasses and clearing her throat a little before addressing her newest date.

"Well...um...Mr Biceps. I know this is probably a strange thing for you to experience but..."

However, the larger male held up a hoof, stopping her, before adding his own, rather bellowing voice to things.

"No problem! Already explained!"

The Mayor stopped, at first just reeling from how loud the stallion was, as per normal, but then, she started looking confused, ultimately staring upwards as their mystery host began to explain things.

"Yeah, I kinda felt like things would get a bit too samey if I just had that whole explanation going on every time I brought in somepony new. So, to save time, I've decided to just streamline the details right into their minds before bringing them in."

The Mayor blinked.

"Well, that...er...seems...efficient?"

It was clearly the only nice thing she could think of to say under the circumstances, but for now, it would do. Slowly, she looked back down to Bulk, who seemed far more at ease with all of this than she was. After taking a few moments to get her thoughts in order, she clasped her hooves together upon the table, leaning forward and giving a small smile.

"So, Bulk...how've you been?"

Without warning, Bulk slammed his hoof down onto the table with a massive grin on his face.

"I'm great! Thanks for asking, Mayor!"

The Mayor again adjusted her glasses, as they'd dropped slightly from the force of his voice. Her smile at this point was clearly one of courtesy rather than genuine happiness to be here, but, for the most part, she did her best to just carry things along.

"I know this is a somewhat unorthodox meeting between us, but I hope we can at least make the best of it."

Bulk nodded.

"Me too! And I wanted to start this date off by saying thanks for letting that town hall wall thing slide the other day!"

The Mayor chuckled slightly.

"It was no bother, Bulk. Although..."

She took on a more stern look.

"...I would hope that you would try and exercise a bit more caution around public buildings next time. The town treasury isn't bottomless, after all. And I imagine you know that there have been a few...well...complaints."

Bulk's ears drooped slightly, and he let out a huff.

"Yeah! I heard! Ponies are always going on about how destructive I am and stuff!"

Moments later, he looked up, a fire in his eyes.

"But they just don't get that I'm not destructive, I'm pumped!"

The Mayor rolled her eyes.

"Oh, I can assure you, they are well aware. But perhaps you could, maybe...be a tad less pumped? Passion is all well and good, but...do you even know what you're pumped-up for?"

To this, Bulk let out a loud howling laughter, which threatened to once more make the Mayor's glasses fall off, much to her chagrin. But, true to her political background, she kept silent as her companion did all the talking.

"I'm pumped up about everything! I love my life! I love my friends! I love everything about everything!"

The Mayor looked to him, analysing him somewhat and taking his words in.

"Yes, well...I suppose that's an admirable viewpoint."

A smile crossed her lips.

"You sound like you've been spending a lot of time with Pinkie Pie."

Bulk's smile widened further.

"Yeah!"

The Mayor sighed, and took a few moments to take off her glasses. She peered through them, noticing that they'd become somewhat misty during her stay here, and so she took out a small cloth that had been nestled in her collar, promptly wiping her glasses clean. Bulk had taken to simply looking around the place as she did this, and when she was done, he looked to her and beamed.

"We don't really talk that much, Mayor!"

A sly smile crept onto the mare's face at that.

"I can't imagine why."

Bulk, apparently not getting the sarcasm, nodded enthusiastically.

"I know, right?! How about you come meet me at the spa, where I work?!"

The Mayor's face changed into a slight grimace. While Twilight's suggestion of a spa day had come with an air of relaxation about it, the same could not be said for BULK'S suggestion. Already, her mind was flooding with images of him pounding away a her back muscles with the same ferocity and strength he'd use for a pair of massive dumbbells. And while she wanted nothing more than to decline as best she could, she instead opted for the diplomatic approach.

"Well, that sounds...wonderful. Perhaps when my schedule is less busy, I can come over for a visit. Though I make no promises, Mr Biceps."

To Bulk, however, that was simply taken as acceptance, as evidenced by the grin he now wore.

"Thanks, Mayor! It'll be great!"

His date shook her head, sighing as she did so, and raised a hoof to her head to begin nursing a slight headache that had developed during her talk with him.

"I suppose I can say this date was memorable at least."

"And over!"

The sudden re-emergence of the unseen voice above caught them both aback, and before the Mayor could even open her mouth to speak, she was taken out of this place by yet another flash of magical light, leaving Bulk all by himself. Though startled by this turn of events, the stallion did not seem all that upset, and looked up at the darkness above in a nonplussed manner.

"So...who's next?!"

A chuckle followed his words.

"Patience, my friend...patience."

Bulk Biceps and Cheerilee

A bright flash of light came, as it always did, and Bulk briefly shielded his eyes from its effects. When the light faded, and he could finally see his next date, he looked on to see a very surprised-looking Cherilee, staring at him from the other side of the table. At first, she didn't say a word, simply looking around for a bit. But, after a while, she nursed a sore spot on her head, as if suffering from some sort of headache. Seeing this, Bulk chuckled.

"Yeah! I know! Getting all that stuff told to our brains is kinda weird, right?!"

Cherilee nodded, but then cracked a small smile as she looked up to him.

"Well...I suppose if I get a chance to unwind a bit, I shouldn't look a gift-pony in the mouth."

Bulk nodded, but then raised an eyebrow.

"You been busy, Cherilee?!"

The mare sighed.

"Guilty as charged. I mean, I love my work at the school, but sometimes...it can get a little overwhelming."

Bulk let out a hearty laugh to that.

"I'll say! My little bro is always going on about the kind of stuff that goes on there! It sounds pretty awesome!"

Cherilee giggled slightly to this.

"Yes...Featherweight is a rather sweet little colt. I'm happy to hear that he enjoys his time there."

A look of thoughtfulness crossed Cherilee's face.

"Although...I must confess, when I first learned that you and he were brothers, I couldn't really believe it."

Bulk nodded, still smiling.

"I know! Everypony says that, but it's true! Believe it or not, but I actually used to be the same size as him when I was his age! Pretty shocking, right?!"

That took the mare aback, and she took a moment to look her date over, still bearing a rather unbelieving expression.

"Well...colour me surprised, Mr Biceps."

Another laugh from the stallion followed.

"No need to be so fancy, Cherilee! It's a date, remember?! Just call me Bulk!"

Cherilee let out a brief sigh to all of this.

"I must say...this is quite unlike my last romantic encounter."

Bulk looked to her with curiosity.

Oh yeah?! I hear that was Big Mac, right?! Some kinda love potion by his sister or something?!"

Cherilee nodded, but then, after a few more moments of appearing deep in thought, she actually seemed to be smiling about something. Whatever it was, she was deeply amused by it, much to the confusion of Bulk. Seeing that look on his face, Cherilee waved a hoof in front of him, calming herself down a little before, at last, explaining herself.

"Oh, don't mind me. It's just...it suddenly occurs to me that in the last few years, both of the dates I've had have involved me being forced into the position by some magical force."

Another giggle escaped her as she shook her head.

"Wonder if this'll be a trend for me?"

At last, Bulk got the joke, and he too began to bellow at that notion, leaving his date just leaning back into her chair and smiling a little. When the laughter died down, the stallion wiped a tear away from his eye, and looked to her once more.

"This is pretty fun, Cherilee, even if we are kinda being held hostage right now!"

Cherilee nodded.

"Yes. I wasn't expecting it...but I suppose it is rather fun, if a little unexpected."

Suddenly, a sly smirk crept onto her face.

"Then again...we do live in Ponyville, remember? Weird and unexpected are pretty much our bread and butter there, wouldn't you say?"

As before, Bulk howled with laughter, slamming his strong hooves against the table, which, for a moment, caused Cherilee to try and stable it, lest her date send it flying off. When Bulk finally calmed down, he nodded to her.

"Yeah! Ponyville is pretty weird alright! Monsters, demons, even brand new alicorns! It's like the weirdness capital of Equestria, and I love it for that!"

Taking a few moments to consider that, Cherilee broke into a small, but still genuine smile.

"On that...I think we can both agree."

Bulk opened his mouth to reply to that, only to be halted when a bright flash of light engulfed him, bringing the conversation to a halt. Much like Bulk had done earlier, Cherilee shielded her eyes from the flash, and when it faded, she saw that she was now alone once more. Sighing, she took on a slight frown as she looked up to the dark sky above.

"Alright...who am I seeing next?"

A brief laugh was followed by her answer.

"Don't worry, Miss Cherilee. I can promise you that, this time, you at least won't have a need for earplugs."

The mare let out an annoyed snort.

"At least I can believe that much from you...whoever you are."