Tank: Leg Humper

It’s been a long, hard road, Blue Pony. For each step that I’ve taken toward you, you seem to take twenty away, you coy minx, you. I’ve chased you for longer than most ever could. You are so skilled at playing hard to get. It set my heart to racing, but racing was never my speciality. Sadly, you’ve always been faster than me. When it comes to games, you are truly in a league of your own.

And that’s why I’m done with games. Today, I move in for the kill.

Your animal gauntlet was inspired. Weeding out the weak like that. Pretending that you wanted a mere pet when you eyes cried out for love. The others might have missed it, but I didn’t. That’s why I couldn’t give up. We were—are—destined for one another.

Today is the day that you will be mine, and by you, I mean your leg.

Your hot, sexy, soon-to-be-warm-and-sticky leg.

~~~

Rainbow reached deep within herself and pulled out her most restrained kick. It was no easy task to kick a rubber ball slowly enough that Tank could chase it down and return it. A few weeks ago, the strain was actually too much, and she’d had to ice her confused muscles down for the rest of the afternoon.

The ball inched its way across the floor, and Tank lunged for it. Well, lunged might be over-generous. His ponderous body ever so slowly rotated, and his right leg lifted from the ground. Several seconds later, it moved forward. Several more seconds later, it touched down again. With his customary deliberation, he pushed off with his back leg and shifted his weight onto the front one.

This process was repeating when the ball rolled past him.

“Goal!” Rainbow shouted, punching her hoof into the air. “Okay, that’s…” She ran her hoof down a clipboard, muttering under her breath as she counted. “Uh… twelve to zero. C’mon, Tank! Get your head in the game!”

A slow, dopey smile spread across the tortoise’s face, and her heart melted all over again.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re adorable and everything, but we need work on your skills. We’ll play again tomorrow.” Rainbow absently tossed the clipboard onto her couch and turned for the kitchen. “Let’s get some grub. I’m starv—huh?”

Rainbow paused, twisting her neck around to stare back over her shoulder. Tank had taken five whole steps since she’d dropped the scorecard. For him, that was lightning fast. Her mouth dropped open as he lurched through two more steps, his shell wobbling to and fro madly.

“Whoa, you must really be hungry!” Rainbow said, trotting for the kitchen again. “Guess we overdid it, huh? Well, come on, then.”

~~~

Oh, I’m hungry, all right. Hungry for that shapely appendage of yours, or as I like to call it, the Cylinder of Sin. Admit it, Blue Pony. You’ve dreamed of it, too. My hard body pressed up against yours, sharing each other to the fullest. Bodies moving in time until that moment.

That wonderful, beautiful moment when your ankle becomes mine forever.

You might move at a blur, but tonight, we’ll take our time. First, a nice glass of wine to set the mood. Say, three or four hours. Just enough for one glass. Then on to a candlelit dinner. I’d prefer to have it on the floor where I can gaze into the deepest recesses of your knee, but I suppose you’ll want to actually eat the food. And who can blame you? Why, you’ll need to keep up your strength.

Yes. Yes you will. What comes next will wear us both out.

~~~

“Uh, what’s up, buddy?” Rainbow said, looking back over her shoulder. Tank seemed… off. Rainbow’s brow furrowed, then she stopped and turned. “You feeling okay? You didn’t pull something, did you?”

Beads of sweat stood out on her tortoise’s wrinkled face. Mouth wide, he sucked in another lungful of air as he dragged his leg forward again. He seemed almost desperate to get to her.

“Well, I guess you couldn’t have pulled a muscle if you’re moving like that. Did something scare you?” Rainbow poked her head around the door jamb, scanning. “I dunno, buddy. Everything looks okay in there. You’re not sick, are you?” Rainbow’s eyes widened. “Hey, if you’re gonna barf, you need to go outside!”

Launching herself into the air, Rainbow snatched up Tank as she flew by. Seconds later, she kicked the door to her cloud home open and set him gently down on the small patch of grass that Twilight had enchanted for her. Generally, Tank could follow her around in his flying device, but sometimes he just needed a solid place to land and do his business. “There you go.”

Tank just stared up at her.

“What? I’m not going anywhere.” Rainbow stretched her wings, then sank to her haunches to wait. “I mean, I don’t need to hold your mane for you or anything, but I’ll still be right here. You just go ahead and get it out.”

~~~

Oh, I plan to get it out, Blue Pony. I plan to get it all out. Every fantasy. Every desire. Every piece of myself that I’ve held back for so, so long. Don’t try to deny it. I’ve seen the way that leg reaches for me in the dead of night. The way that it will not-so-subtly caresse my shell. It burns bright with lust.

And that’s the thing about lust, Blue. In time, it will help us move into love, but at the moment, it’s in the way. Lust’s fire needs to be quenched so that our heads can hear our hearts clearly once more. Look at us now. Out here, in the middle of everything. Coming together where all of your brethren can see you. Lust’s madness drives you to outrageous acts, but I understand!

Oh, do I.

But if that is your wish, I can make it come true. If consummation in the clouds is your lever, then allow me to pull it! I can wait no longer! Come to me, and I will come on your leg!

~~~

Rainbow frowned, her brow furrowing more deeply, when Tank reached out for her. “What’s with the neediness, buddy? I mean, I’m all for hugs, but if your stomach’s upset, I think you should deal with that first.”

She gaped when Tank stood on his hind legs for a moment. He tottered briefly, then fell against her left foreleg with a thunk. “Uh, what—Hey!”

Tank locked his legs around her foreleg, then rubbed his nose against it. Rainbow recognized it immediately. It was their special sign of affection. “Love you, too, pal, but if you’re gonna—Whoa! Tank!”

Rainbow’s mouth dropped open when Tank began to ever so slowly grind up against her ankle. Soon, the joint was suspiciously moist, as though the tip of a tongue had been run across it. While her tortoise’s mouth worked on what looked like it was trying to be a sexy grin, his thrusting increased speed from ‘nearly imperceptible’ up to merely ‘ludicrously slow.’

“Eww! Tank, get off of me!” Rainbow set her hoof against tank’s shell and pushed, but the tortoise’s grip was stronger than she anticipated. “Let go!”

~~~

The mouth says ‘no,’ but the cannon says ‘yes.’ Your other tries to push me away. Ever full of jealousy are legs. Bitter that they will never know a love like ours, they seek to create obstacles.

But, Leg, together you and I will make such sweetness. I’ve been preparing, you see. Blue Pony has so many heavy objects in the house. There are so many ways to build up the strength necessary for our joining. And this motion, eh? This thrust! I know it excites you! Feel how you tremble! Feel how your pulse races! I’ve practiced for hours on Blue Pony’s slippers. I had to do it while you were out of the house, for I’m aware of a leg’s terrible jealousy, but know that it was all for this moment. Your naughty, tubular form never left my heart. No, it drove me always to more frenzied thrusting and grinding, though I admit that sometime the climax came after several hours, rather than days.

Who can help it, though? You just turn me on like no other. Now, let me finally pleasure you in the manner in which you’ve cried out for so long!

~~~

Rainbow scrambled backwards, shaking her leg to and fro as hard as she could. It was no use. Tank was stuck to her like glue. “Eww! Gross, gross, gross!”

“Aww! Tank’s really growing up, isn’t he?” Without stirring any of the delicate cloudtop, Fluttershy landed next to Rainbow. She dug into her pack and pulled out a thermos, then unscrewed the cap and held it out for the tortoise. “How long have you been at it? Do you need some vitamins? This barley soup is just chock full of them.”

Dash’s hind legs joined her free foreleg in trying to dislodge her pet. “Fluttershy, help—Aw, come on! Really?”

A flash went off. “This’ll really add some local color!” Shutter Speed said as he whizzed by. “The miracle of nature, playing out right here in Cloudsdale! Not exactly above the fold material, but maybe page three or four.”

“Hey! Come back here!” Rainbow cried after him. “I’m friends with a bunch of princesses, you know!”

Fluttershy tipped a little of the soup into Tank’s mouth, then wiped his sweaty brow. “Um, if you could maybe focus a little, Rainbow. Tank’s working awfully hard over here.”

“Ugh! Don’t say ‘hard!’” Rainbow scraped the tortoise along the side of her house before settling into a deep scowl. “I need a crowbar.”

Tank blinked up at her for a moment, then went back to work. Muscles Rainbow didn’t know the tortoise had bunched and gathered as he gave it his all. He grimaced, the skin around his mouth tightening. The suspicious swell grinding against her leg grew slimier still, and he was grunting even more loudly. Nearby, a passing pegasus covered her foal’s eyes and glared at Rainbow.

~~~

Ah, so you’ve invited your Yellow Friend to watch our love unfold. Unexpected, but that’s what I love so much about you. And by you, I mean this flirty, frollicking fetlock. This passionate pastern. Yes, I love the whole of your leg, and I plan to cover it entirely in the juice of my excitement! Let the whole world watch! We are not ashamed!

As expected, the three other legs work against our love. Would that I could whisper into the smooth hollows of their knees. I have enough love for all four of them. Just a few moments of rest. Maybe three or four weeks, then I will attend their needs.

But honesty is the best policy, and I have to admit that their protestations excite me to levels that I didn’t know existed. The harder they fight, the harder I get. Beneath me, you twist and turn, writhing in sweet ecstasy. Don’t worry, my love. We approach the moment, and they will be unable to stop it.

~~~

“Seriously, Fluttershy, could you give me a hoof here?” Rainbow held her leg out to her friend. On it, her pet tortoise ground against her for all he was worth. Chords stood out on his leathery neck, and his grip had somehow tightened. She could just see her hoof’s tip beyond him. It bulged slightly as her blood pooled there.

Fluttershy fretted for a second, her wings fluttering. “Um, well, okay.” Taking a deep breath, she marched forward until she was nearly nose to nose with the tortoise. “Go! You can do it!”

Rainbow slapped a hoof over the left side of her face. “No! Help me!”

“Oh, but you’re doing just fine,” Fluttershy replied, patting Rainbow on her shoulder. “He’s really excited. It’ll probably be just five or six more hours.”

Rainbow eyes bulged and her mane bristled. “Five or six more hours? Fluttershy, you’ve got to get him off of me!”

A small, angry crease formed between Fluttershy’s eyebrows. “Rainbow! I don’t believe you! Poor Tank’s probably worked really hard to get his courage up enough to make his move. You don’t want to hurt his feelings now, do you? It’s okay, Tank,” she said, stroking the tortoise’s head for a moment. “You just get it all out.”

~~~

“Could you pass me the pepper, Fluttershy?”

“Certainly.”

Rainbow shoveled another bite of the roasted wheat into her mouth, but it was no use. With each thrust, her stomach turned over a little more. She set her rear hoof against his shell and pushed.

“You leave him alone,” Fluttershy said with a glare.

“But it’s been like half a day!” Rainbow said, throwing her hooves up, then wincing as she caught tank’s frantic humping out of the corner of her eye. She’d been mostly successful at hiding him under her chair, but her shoulder was beginning to feel the strain of the unnatural position. “You said it wouldn’t be more than a couple of hours!”

Fluttershy shrugged. “Some males just last longer than others, I suppose. Didn’t you say you’d been doing all kinds of stamina training with him?”

Rainbow blanched. “Well, yeah, but it wasn’t supposed to be for this!”

“You just need to let things play out.” Fluttershy offered her friend an encouraging smile. “We’ll try to fix him up with a nice tortoise girlfriend whenever he’s done.”

~~~

“Winter Wrap-Up! Winter Wrap-up! Let’s finish our… finish our… Rainbow!”

Rainbow glided over. “What?”

“Can’t you fly over that way more?” Flitter pointed off at the horizon. “I can’t think of the next lyric with all that grunting!”

“Hey, don’t send her over here!” Thunderlane yelled from several yards away. “We just got her to leave!”

Rainbow glared at them both. “Look, it’s not my fault, okay! What am I supposed to do about it?”

Pointedly not looking down at the rhythmic humping occurring on Rainbow’s leg, Flitter threw her hooves out beside her. “I don’t know. Tie a pillowcase around him or something!”

“Don’t you dare,” Fluttershy said, poking her head up through the cloud tops. “He needs fresh air to keep his strength up.”

Rainbow tried to stomp a hoof, but ended up just spinning in place for a moment. “Keep his strength up? Fluttershy, it’s been five months!”

Fluttershy’s eyes shone. “That’s probably a record, don’t you think? You should be really proud of Tank.”

“Yeah, real proud,” Rainbow said with a disgusted sigh.

“Pillowcase,” Flitter said as she flapped away.

“You’d still hear him!” Rainbow called after her.

~~~

“King Sombra, I don’t know how you’ve returned,” Twilight rose into the air and held her hooves out to her friends, “but we’re here to stop you! The Crystal Empire will never be yours again!” Bands of vibrant color streaked through Twilight’s mane, and a field of stars erupted onto her legs.

“That’s right,” Applejack took Twilight’s right hoof. “Your tyrantin’ days are done for good!”

Fluttershy took her left. “We won’t let you hurt anypony else.”

“You're supposed to be jolly and wise and eat cookies, not enslave ponies and obsess over crystals!” Pinkie said, taking Applejack’s hoof in her own. “Or, wait. Was that Santa? I think that might be Santa.”

Rarity joined, twining her hoof around Fluttershy’s. “In any event, it’s simply unacceptable behavior for a king. Tacky, to say the very least.”

“That’s right, Sombra! You’re going dow—” Tank’s shell bumped up against Pinkie’s hoof. “Um, sorry, Pinkie.”

Applejack craned her neck around Pinkie to glare at Rainbow. “You know, it’s a mite hard to get into the proper friendship blastin’ frame of mind with all that, uh, whatnot goin’ on.”

“It is rather distracting,” Rarity added.

“Well, talk to Fluttershy about it!” Rainbow set her hooves on her hips, grimacing as the grinding shell rubbed up against her side. “She’s the one who keeps feeding him those energy drinks.”

“It’s a special fruit and veggie smoothie to keep him in tip-top condition. You don’t want him to get sick or dehydrated, do you?”

“Yes I do!”

“Rainbow, what a thing to say!” Fluttershy crossed her legs tightly across her chest and frowned at her friend. “After he’s worked so hard for this.”

Pinkie raised a hoof. “Uh, girls—”

Rarity cocked a questioning eyebrow. “Wait. Who’s this Santa?”

“Nine months, Fluttershy!” Rainbow raised her chafed leg, and pointed to the madly humping tortoise with her other hoof. “Do you know what it’s like trying to fall asleep when a tortoise is screwing your leg? It’s har—it’s difficult!”

“Girls—”

Fluttershy reached over and patted Tank’s head. “Don’t you remember your first time, Rainbow? Don’t you want this to be special for him?”

“I don’t care anym—”

“GIRLS!” Pinkie said, waving her hooves over head.

“What?” Rainbow said with an exasperated sigh.

“Uh, did any pony see where Sombra went?”

The six mares collectively groaned.

~~~

“And that’s when the last baby duck finally stepped into the pond!”

“Uh-huh,” Rainbow said, staring off into space. The cessation in the conversation only highlighted the lustful groaning at the end of her leg.

Beside her, Fluttershy thought for a moment, then brightened. “Oh, and you’ll just never believe what the otters did with that muddy riverbank. They thought it looked so drab that they collected all the colored rocks from the bottom of the river and lined their sliding paths with them! It’s so much more cheerful now!”

“Great,” Rainbow replied.

“And it’s almost ladybug season again. I just can’t wait to meet all of them. I’m sure we’ll be best friends. I’ll bring a few by, if you want. I’m sure you’ll love them.”

Rainbow stuffed another hoofful of crackers into her mouth, hardly tasting them. “Can’t wait.”

“You could at least try,” Fluttershy said, giving her friend a reproachful look.

“Can’t we just forget this?”

Fluttershy’s frown deepened. “No, Rainbow. This is your Humpaversary. I’m sure it’s a very special day for Tank, so I think you should be a little more excited.”

“Excited? I’m practically bursting at the seams with joy. Can’t you tell?” Rainbow said, her bland expression not changing in the least. “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with a lust-crazed tortoise stuck to my—huh?”

Both ponies started, then stared down at Tank. His almost mechanically precise thrusting and grunting had suddenly picked up speed and intensity.

“I think this is it!” Fluttershy said, her wide eyes shining.

“Oh no! Nononono!” Rainbow waved her leg rapidly, then beat the tortoise against her coffee table. “Fluttershy, seriously! Get him off of me!”

Fluttershy slid a pillow onto the coffee table to cushion the blows. “You can do it, Tank! Just give it your all!”

“No, really, you’ve got to—EWWWWWWW!”

Tipping his head back, Tank cried out. High pressure liquid fountained out from beneath his shell. Trapped as it was between his body and the leg, it sprayed out in all directions.

“No!” Rainbow gagged and tried to yank her head away from the spray. “Oh, Sweet Celestia, it’s so much worse than I expected!”

Serenely digging through her nearby saddlebag, Fluttershy pulled out a small umbrella. “Oh, you’re finally all grown up, huh, Tank? Oops!” She grabbed her tail and pulled it beneath the umbrella’s protective circle. It wasn’t perfect, but it did shield her from the worst of it.

The cottage’s living room was another story, though. The couch, walls, and ceiling were soon completely coated in viscous, pungent tortoise semen, and ever more sprayed out with firehose intensity.

Rainbow raised her free hoof, trying to shield herself. As the semen hit the hoof, it splashed into her hair, her wings, well, pretty much everywhere. “Fluttershy,” she sputtered, “when is it going to be over?”

Fluttershy slid off of the sofa and backed into the kitchen, her umbrella lowered like a shield. “Well, tortoises really like to take their time. It could be five or six hours, but with Tank, who really knows? Maybe I’ll just go get a few towels.”

“Fi… five or six… hours?” Rainbow’s eyes fluttered, then rolled up. She swayed for a moment, then then fainted directly into a deepening puddle of snot-like tortoise spooge.

On her leg, Tank sighed and smiled serenely.

~~~

Finally, the deed is done, my sweet. It was over all too soon, and for that, I apologize. It was just that the contours of your cannon, the nooks of your knee, the hollows of your hoof, they drove me mad! Can you blame a young and inexperience tortoise for losing control of himself?

Ah, this cigarette is refreshing. Lying here next to you as you sleep, it’s exactly as I dreamed. Well, perhaps a little more sticky. Perhaps a little less in the way of caressing, but still, we are together.

But, I must confess, now that we have finished, my eye wanders. I’ll always love you, Blue, but lately, it’s Yellow that catches my eye. I hope that when you wake, you’ll understand. A young and vigorous tortoise shouldn’t be tied down so early in life.

So sleep, my love. You were magnificent. No leg deserve the rest more than you do. Get your strength back. In the meantime, perhaps I’ll follow that Yellow Leg into the kitchen.

After all, the kitchen is where we turn up the heat. Where things get spicy. It’s where we get cooking.

Yes, Yellow Pony. I come for you. And by you, I mean your leg.

Your young, supple, madly alluring leg.