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                       Praise Be...                        
                 -by Grandfather Glutton-                  
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                  [DIVINITY INTENSIFIES]                   
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[DIVINITY INTENSIFIES]
Praise Be…
They did it! You couldn't believe they did it, but they did!
There were murmurs and gasps coming from the various ponies around you on the balcony overlooking the Canterlot gardens, from there you could see the great evil known as Grogar contort and collapse in on himself, screaming in an agonizing rage at being defeated and banished back to the Shadow World by Twilight and the gang.
When the screaming stops, the last of Grogar coalesces into a spiraling black mist that shoots into the ground, the sky changes from the apocalyptic black and red that Grogar created with his malevolent presence to the beautiful afternoon sky that it was meant to be and the ponies around you and all across Equestria cheer in relief and joy.
Finally, it was over. The many weeks of Grogar's seemingly unstoppable tear into Equestria was brought to an end here in Canterlot.
You can now see a number of ponies rush to Twilight and the others from your position, no doubt that it was medical personnel and royal guards coming to their aid. The battle that took place here was monumentally brutal, when Grogar finally reached the capital city and after all other methods to stop him beforehand failed, the Princesses had no other choice but to engage him in “hoof-to-hoof and magic-to-magic” combat. The resulting battle lasted for two hours and the collateral damage done to the city itself was near catastrophic.
It would take many weeks of hard work to fully restore this city to its former glory, the search and rescue for anyone trapped underneath the rubble, the temporary housing for those that lost their homes and the eventual rebuilding of the city itself. It seems like everybody is going to be busy these coming weeks.
But you're not worried about that, not in the slightest. You can see it now, after everything is rebuilt, when everything is said and done, the celebration they were going to have for finally defeating this ancient evil was going to be grand. It was going to be glorious.
It was going to be your... masterpiece.
You grip the railing of the balcony in excitement. Yes, when the time was right Princess Celestia would inform you to start planning and order any and all materials you would need for the festivities. You were already starting to piece together a general outline for that night, but your main focus was for the grand finale, oh, and how grand it was going to be.
Ponies of all different walks of life would attend in the masses, from the snootiest noble to the lowest apple farmer, rubbing elbows with each other in celebration for their continued existence. Celestia would no doubt want this night to be remembered for generations to come, and you would be the one to make that happen.
She's been treated to your work many times over these past few years, she knows what you're capable of.
You remember when she first witnessed the fruit of your craft... and how she fell in love with it.
When you first arrived in this world it was painful and confusing, painful because you just so happened to fall from a bright orange ball of light that was above Celestia's dining table... right in the middle of dinner, and confusing because you were surrounded by small horses that were screaming at you, though you couldn't make any of it out, their voices were muffled and warped beyond understanding in your impaired state, you did hit your head rather hard now that you remember.
Celestia was rather shocked herself, she was still trying to comprehend what had happened even as her noble guests were stampeding around the room screaming about a monster that was trying to eat them, she snapped out of it though when her royal guard dragged you off the table, spilling broken glass, dented silverware and squashed food everywhere. While you were hauled off to a jail cell, Celestia soothed the fears of her guests before coming to question you.
She asked you a variety of questions to say the least, what are you? what is your name? how did you get here? do you plan on harming anyone? Just to name a few. You told her that your name was Anon and that you were a human, that you didn't know how you got here and no, you didn't plan on hurting anyone. After a few more days of questions and scientific examinations, you built a friendship with the Princess and were eventually cleared for limited freedoms within the castle grounds, it was during one of Celestia's little tea parties when she asked you what was your profession before you arrived here.
You proudly informed her that you were a world renowned "Pyrotechnics miracle worker" and that you had the honor of hosting a variety of events such as: Washington DC's fourth of July celebrations, New York city's "New Year Ball Drop", several grand openings and music festivals. That all across the globe, celebrities and political officials alike clamored for your services, you were even slated to go to the Middle East to help with the celebrations for President Saddam Hussein and Colonel Muammar Gaddafi's respective rulings, though unfortunately, for you that is, those plans never came to fruition.
She looked puzzled and said that it all sounded impressive but that she didn't understand what you did. This stupid, stupid bitch. You just smiled cheekily at her and said. "I'm an artist with fireworks, love."
She looked more intrigued after that and informed you that a celebration called the "Grand Galloping Gala" was coming up soon, insisting that an aficionado of fireworks such as yourself would enjoy the display at the closing of the party. You accepted her invitation and attended the party expecting for it to be an enjoyable outing, but throughout that night you suffered over a dozen "nobles" pestering you with inane questions like “What are you?”, “How do you stand on two legs?” and “Why are clenching your fists and staring at me like that?”. Right when you were about to drive a corkscrew through one of the philistines, the party came to a close and all the attendees waddled over to the castle gardens, you followed them out, eager to see what the display would be like for a party with such high social standing.
When you arrived outside all the nobles were either chatting with each other or staring up into the night sky with the eagerness of a baby bird waiting for its mother to return with its meal, and that's when it happened. A horrid and pitiful series of pale dim lights went off in the sky and insulted everything you stood for, the crowd around you were loving every minute of it. Looking down at them, you could see that all their faces were filled with amazement and wonder, they were like retards watching their first falling of snow. You looked back up at the "display" with disgust, you’ve seen prettier light shows from hillbillies supplied with nothing more than homemade napalm, tannerite, flare guns and good’ol southern ingenuity. You retired to your room, not even waiting for the show to end, it only made you ill to look at.
The next morning Celestia asked what you thought of the celebration’s display, it took all of your willpower to not berate her and all her kind for calling the travesty you witnessed the previous night, pyrotechnics. You instead told her that you were amazed at cultural differences between her species and yours in their interpretation of a “firework show”, you also asked her if she would give you the pleasure of choreographing the pyrotechnics for her next event.
She pondered your request for awhile and informed you that in almost a year's time her sister would return and that you could provide your services for that occasion. She said that whatever you deemed was necessary for the event would be provided to you, but she had a request as well, she wanted the main colors of the display to be blue, white and gold, though she also added that there was to be more blue than gold in the arrangement.
She asked if you were capable of that. This stupid, stupid bitch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvvF2Sbq3mA). You just smiled smugly and said. "For you? I think I can manage that."
So, for the next several months you spent all your time crafting various ceramic tubes, shells, housings and several volatile mixtures of powder for your Equestrian debut. When the time finally came, you were confused, several hours after Celestia's prized pupil left to ready a dirty bumpkin town for the Princess' presence, the royalty herself vanished and was nowhere to be found in the castle. After a few unplanned hours of tense night in Canterlot had passed, the sun finally rose again. Shortly after the late sunrise, Celestia returned to Canterlot with a new blue alicorn in tow.
When you were later introduced, you learned her name was Luna and that, in fact, she was the newly returned sister Celestia had you preparing for. She later told you that the party would take place in one week, so that Luna could have some time to rest and acclimatize to her new surroundings before her “Welcome Home” party, she also said that the display would take place over the gardens. During the following week you and your newly established crew of narrow hoofed ponies began to setup for the festivities, they were confused as to what they were handling at first, your munitions resembled nothing like what these ponies were used to setting up and these babies were a far cry from the cheap-ass sparklers, bottle rockets and roman candles the ponies here called “fireworks”.
At the night of Luna's party, you mingled and chatted with the mare herself, along with her sister. It was a fun night indeed, but you were nearly dying in anticipation for lighting that motherfucker up like a night over Baghdad.
When the time finally came, you parted ways with the Princesses and walked to your impromptu command center while the patrons of the party made their way to the gardens. After a final inspection of your celebratory artillery, you set off a number of fuses and timers to begin the ascension of your labor of love, with that done you just stood back and eagerly waited with a toothy grin on your face.
"Show me god, baby girl," You whispered to your creations.
Thoomp!
Thoomp! Thoomp!
Thoomp,Thoomp,Thoomp!
Thunderous booms and shrill screeches echoed throughout the night, frightening the nearby party goers almost into a panic, but just as they were about to stampede away like the herd minded morons they were, dazzling and wondrous colored orbs of exploding lights illuminated the night above them and ensnared their gazes with the sheer beauty of it all.
Various shades of blue and gold expanded furiously overhead and intermingled with one another, below them were the screaming hues of white and purple, each one rising to a new height after the other. The set timers and precise placement of the ceramic launchers truly made this a sight to behold, looking around you could see that every pony present had expressions of pure astonishment on their faces, it was as if you revealed the truth of the universe to them through your work.
As the last of your artillery exploded they revealed two giant orbs, one with blue surrounding a dull white orb at its center and the other a bright white cradling a dim gold in its center. When it was apparent that no more loud explosions would ring through the night, the onlookers erupted into a frenzied applause, cheering, whistling and yelling with much more enthusiasm than the gala you attended the previous year.
When the crowd finally settled down and cleared back into the castle, you were approached by the Princesses, from the joyful looks on their faces you wouldn't have been too wrong in guessing that they just received a resurrected puppy from their youth as a birthday present. They thanked and complimented you on the display you treated them to with great exuberance and you thanked them for allowing you the honor, when you returned to the party it seemed the topic of discussion changed from Luna to you, Which she was strangely happy about for some reason.
When the party ended and you were about to retire for the night, you received a message from a royal guard informing you that Celestia herself was summoning you to her private quarters. When you arrived the Princess quickly ushered you in and thanked you again for providing the wondrous light show, she explained that she always had a deep seeded love for fireworks ever since she was a child and that seeing your display made her feel like a young filly experiencing her first firework show all over again. She then sidled up extremely close to you and breathed in your ear that she wanted to thank you again with something much more intimate.
Suffice it to say, you were awarded snu-snu that night from the high horse herself and later officially appointed you as the Chief Pyrotechnician for any celebratory event sponsored by the crown from there on out.
It wasn't the first time your work landed you in bed... or in a higher professional standing.
And so the next few years came and went, bringing with it galas and other planned celebrations or holidays you graced with your art, though your best work was always saved for the spontaneous events that came with the equestrian lifestyle. The re-imprisoning of Discord, Queen Chrysalis's defeat and the subsequent marriage between Princess Cadence and Guard Captain Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle's ascension into Alicornhood and the vanquishing of Tirek.
And as always, you were rewarded for your efforts with snu-snu from your favorite groupie.
Though, compared to what you were planning for the celebration of Grogar's banishment, the others would now seem like tracer rounds being shot during daylight.
You add more force to your grip on the balcony's railing in malicious excitement. Yes, this was going to be... perfect.
Many Weeks Later...
"...And... are you sure tonight's entertainment has been... thoroughly cared for, Anon?" Celestia asked... again.
"As sure as I can be!" You said proudly while leaning studiously over pieces of parchment that held patterns and notes detailing the overview for tonight's pyrotechnics. Satisfied with your final inspection, you looked up to a curious Celestia whose eyes were trying discern the meaning of your scribbles. Quickly flipping the pages upside down, you scold the Princess. "Ah-ah-ahh. No spoilers."
She smiled cheekily.
"And even if there are flaws, I'm confident me and my crew will find them," You finished.
"That's pleasant to hear, Anon. I have my utmost faith in you," Celestia said standing up from her seat across your desk.
You stood up as well, meeting at her the door to see out of your office and warehouse. "Do not worry, Celestia. I know exactly how important this night is and have taken every precaution imaginable to make sure tonight's entertainment runs smoothly."
"Dear me, I must sound like an old nag trying to micromanage everything, please forgive me," Celestia said while placing a hoof to her temple. "It's just that my little ponies have been through so much this past month and I desperately want to give them something to help ease their minds from what has happened."
"Fret not, my dear," You said while rubbing her neck and jawline. "Come nightfall, I'll be treating you all to something that will keep your minds occupied for the ages. I have a wondrous feeling that this will be my masterpiece."
"Oh, really," She said, sweeping a wing behind you and pulling the two of you closer together. "If that turns out to be true, I'll have to bestow upon you a gift befitting of your work." She said hotly into your neck, grazing along its length into your jawline with the edges of her teeth and tongue.
You exhaled softly as you met her mouth passionately with yours and let the invading muscle peruse around its new surroundings, muffled moaning purring in your throat all the while. Wrapping your arms around her withers and neck you dug your nails softly into her hide and traced along what you could, earning an erotic growl from Celestia for your efforts. In your fervid lip-smacking with the sun princess you failed to notice that she was pushing forward and only realized this when you fell backwards onto your desk, your eyes widened in shock but her lips remained locked to yours all the way down.
Only when you were firmly planted on your new wooden mattress did she cease her ruthless invasion of your mouth, taking in hot breaths and leaving a string of saliva in her wake. When she picked her head of your chest, she looked down at you with that almost feral expression on her face she gets when you two were about to bump uglies, she dove at your neck again and started to lick the budding perspiration off your skin. Just as she started to nibble on your earlobe and worm a hoof under your shirt and up your stomach did you try to stop her, you caught her elbow before her hoof could slink up any higher and placed another hand on her neck to try and halt her advances.
"Celes.. Celestia, wait. Wait a moment," You breathed out halfheartedly.
You could feel an increasing forcefulness in her advance and had to apply even more of your strength just to keep her at bay.
"Whaaat?" She whined, mouth still at your ear.
"We... we still have a lot to go through today... people to meet," you replied still keeping her at bay with your hands.
"Hhhmmffhh~," She moaned mournfully, you could feel more of her weight pour onto you as she ceased her affections and drooped her wings at her sides. "Why did you have to remind me?" She mumbled.
"Because... I was expecting my crew to return here any minute when you were about to leave... and I don't think you would appreciate being walked in on when you're on top of me with your tail raised high," you informed her, gently petting the great white royal all the while.
She licked your neck once more before she removed herself from you and the desk, and burst of magic erupted from her horn instantly cleaning the both of you from the building perspiration that was the result of your fervid make out session, also clearing the air of the pervading aroma of her love that you just now picked up.
"I expect to pick up where we left off once the festivities for the night have ceased, Anon," Celestia stated tersely.
"Don't worry, Princess. We'll all get what we deserve tonight." You chuckled knowingly from your splayed out position on the desk.
Just when she was about leave the office she turned to ask you a question. "Will I see you at tonight's celebration?"
"Unfortunately no, Princess. My crew and myself will be preoccupied all night with maintaining the gear," You said sitting up from the desk.
"A pity, and here I was looking forward to your company. I can see myself out, take care, Anon." Celestia said leaving your office and into the warehouse proper.
Standing up from the desk you walked to the doorway and bid your farewell as you watched her leave. "You too, Cel!"
“Don't worry, Celestia," You whispered to her as she left the building. "When I'm through with you all tonight, Grogar will seem like nothing more than a long faded memory of a dream."
So this was it. After the long weeks of calculations and planning, the many sleepless nights of crafting and experimentation, you were finally ready to bring this world to its knees with divine reclamation, and all it would take you was the simple push of a button.
Tonight was the night these ponies would know true terror.
"Hey, boss!"
You snapped out of internal reverie as one of your subordinates called out from the warehouse entrance. He quickly trotted towards you and came into the lighting, revealing himself to be your lead loader and assistant, Quick Tinder, if you remember correctly. No doubt returning to inform you of the loading progress.
"How goes the loading, Tinder?" You asked him genuinely.
"Doing well, boss. We finished loading the cannon fodder a few minutes ago, now all we need is for you to is set the big boomers and connect the timers and we'll be good to go!" He informed you
"That's good to hear, Tinder," you said while walking to a small crate filled with shells that have been specially marked for a certain quadrant in your field of launchers. Lifting the crate of miniature warheads, you turn around and smile at your assistant. "I guess we should hurry up and get these settled in. Wouldn't want to make you and the crew late for the party, now would we?"
"No we do not," Tinder agreed as he situated a harness on himself to pull a small cart packed with marked explosives. "Right behind you, boss!"
A Few Hours Later...
It was now night over Canterlot and the moon was high in the sky, shining its pale light downward onto Equestria. Laughter and chatter echoed into the night sky while the aromas of delicious foods and sweet cider permeated the air around the castle. You were in the gardens once again and were enjoying the calm before the storm, sitting alone next to your equipment peacefully. There are probably more ponies in that castle right now then there have ever been in the past, and all will pay witness the birthing of a god.
You were deep within the Canterlot gardens and surrounding you was a variable field of ceramic artillery launchers, each one packed with various payloads for tonight's summoning. Laying in front of you on a table was the ignition board for tonight's pyrotechnics. It was a long rectangular metallic box filled with small switches and levers, while lining the upper part of its exterior were small crystals and gems that acted as antennas.
Wing beats and the sound of hooves meeting soft earth forced you to look up from the dead device before you. The new arrival was a royal guard, though you couldn't tell who it was due to their armor's enchantments.
"Chief Pyrotechnician Anon?" She asked.
Leaning back in your seat you spread your arms out and proclaimed. "The one and only."
"Princess Celestia wishes me to inform you that you may proceed in ten minutes," She said before launching herself into the sky.
"Right. Let's get down to business," You mutter to yourself while withdrawing a small key from your pocket to drive it into the device's starter.
Twisting the key, the gray box bursts with life and color. The crystals and gemstones lining the ignition box light up and are ready to signal their siblings out in the field. You start methodically flipping switches to ready the grid of fireworks before you for activation, when every quadrant of the grid was signaled for standby you just sat back and waited.
Eight minutes...
Five minutes...
Two minutes...
Thirty seconds...
Lifting a small glass panel revealed a glowing red button, you slammed it down with glee and activated a countdown to multiple igniters set to different increments of time.
Walking a few feet out of your command tent, you raised your hands in the air and readied yourself to conduct an overture (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2W1Wi2U9sQ) for a new age of horror over Equestria.
Screeching green fire tore into the sky sporadically at first but quickly evened out into a rising tempo with the colors of red and pink adding to its climb, when the combination peaked and started to descend in rhythm, rivets of yellow and purple chased each other in a rising pattern from one side of the horizon and then back, reversing the color pattern on their return trip.
When the chase ended thunderous booms exploded in succession, blanketing the sky with the burning colors of the rainbow. More flaming hues of color raced each each other across the sky in arcing fashions which caused beautiful sparks to cascade down to the earth making it seem like a waterfall of vibrant fire was pouring from the heavens.
After a couple of minutes of differing patterns scorched across the sky the tempo in which they were delivered with slowed to a crawl, signaling you, and everyone else, that the grand finale was approaching.
When the last dregs of light flickered out of existence above you a great wall of white erupted from the earth and slowly died down leaving a vividly colored design in its wake. The design itself was that of Twilight's cutie mark, the iconic starburst, which slowly expanded and dissipated out of the air, signaling another wall of white flame to rise again only to fall and reveal two new designs. These were Rainbow Dash's rainbow colored lightning streak and Fluttershy's butterfly triplets, you used this part of light show to commemorate the heroines who fought and defeated Grogar. As the cutie marks burned themselves, out a third wall of white shot out and revealed Applejack's, Pinkie Pie's and Rarity's trios of apples, balloons and diamonds in a brilliant array of colors.
When the triple set of cutie marks burned out, a torrent of rainbow colored fire trails rocketed into the sky from each side of the horizon and met together in the middle to form a literal gout of fiery hues, but just as the eruption of flame died down, roaring explosions came from the sky and openly displayed the vibrant forming of two other iconic ass-marks. Princess Luna's crescent moon and Princess Celestia's radiant sun appeared brilliantly for all to see and admire, single explosions of dimer colors going off all around, framing them in the night sky as it were.
Immediately upon the dissipation of the diarchies' cutie marks you could hear thunderous cheering for the grand finale the ponies had just witnessed.
Only that wasn't “finale” they had the pleasure of viewing.
This was, deafening wails of blue fire erupted into the clouds above you, ending in cacophonous red explosions, silencing the applauding audience with their sheer might. After a few moments of pure silence had passed a vast number of white lights tore out of their ceramic tubes and soared into the atmosphere, expanding furiously it displayed a simple, yet elegant design. Using the almost black night sky as your canvas you drew with flaming white ink a work of art depicting a stubby "L" shaped body, its two little legs with feet, the one arm and hand, the odd eyes, nose, flat lined smile and finally, the phallic member and scrotum sack protruding from its bulging ass cheeks.
After twenty seconds of sustained fire keeping your masterpiece in the sky for all of Canterlot to witness, you heard something that definitely wasn't the echoing explosions going off above you.
"AAAANNOOOOONNNNN!"
dropping to your knees, you inhaled tremendously, threw your arms in the sky and roared a message for all of the world to hear.
"AAAALLLLLL HHHAAAAAIIILLLL DIIIIIIIICCKKKKK BUUUUUUUUTTTTTT!"
Just as you finished your mighty bellow, you were tackled harshly from the side and tumbled across the ground with your assailant. When you finally stopped rolling through the dirt and refocused your vision, you realized that it was Celestia that was pinning you to the ground. But before you could say anything about the divinity of Dick Butt, she snarled viciously, pulled a foreleg back and struck you with monstrous force, knocking you out instantly. Though, you could still hear the wondrous booming of your work deep into your forced sleep.
When you were to later wake up in a jail cell, once again, with missing teeth, a severely bruised face and a screaming princess. You were going to have one thought, and one thought only.
Fuckin' worth it.
FIN
Author's Note
I know it's a bit too long for dick butt joke and way past the 4th of July for this to be relevant... Butt fuck it!
You at least smiled, right?
...right?
...guys?