A Visit From Equestria's Department of Immigration & Integration

by Grandfather Glutton

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 6415

Anon's case worker for immigration comes to question the human, and a few others, about his stay in Equestria. Deciding whether or not if can stay where he's at based on her findings. (An Anon in Equestria one shot)

Home to a wide variety of species and their various communities, the planet Equus is shared peacefully between prey and predators alike.

And, in her ever present benevolence, Princess Celestia has kept an open door policy on immigration into her, almost, Utopian country for years. So when a fumbling Anon suddenly appeared in Canterlot one day nobody panicked, he was peacefully taken to the Princess and explained his predicament to her. Understanding his situation, the Princess informed him that she would try her hardest to help him, but that it could also be awhile before there was any major progress in that effort.

So, with nothing better to do, the human applied for the reasonably easy Equestrian citizenship. Princess Celestia, hearing about this, decided to help Anon with his efforts and sent the human to Ponyville under her former pupil's charge, believing that it would be easier on him and to help the lonely human make some good friends along the way.

If only she knew how much suffering would come from that foolish decision.

(Part of Vol.1 of the One Shot O'Clock)

Published 2016-07-17 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-17 20:10:01 UTC

The Interview

A Visit From Equestria's Department of Immigration & Integration

The sound of screeching wheels filled the air as the scraping of metal brought a brightly colored steam locomotive to a halt in front of a train station marked "Ponyville". During the train's rest many passengers disembarked from their respective cars and dispersed amongst the station proper, all weary from their travels and thankful to finally be home again, all save for one. Sporting a dreary colored business suit, glasses and saddlebags, a rather youthful but equally drab looking unicorn mare separated herself from her nude and vividly colored counterparts and made her way towards the town's main road.

She slowly cantered her way through town in solidarity for some time before she reached her destination, stopping a few feet from two golden doors, she quietly appraised the violet crystal building in front of her before nodding in apparent satisfaction that this was indeed where she needed to be. Clearing her throat, she knocked on the doors and waited to be let in, after a few moments without a response she knocked again, after an even longer period of time had passed with no answer she started to become agitated. Clearing her throat once more, she knocked a third time with substantially more force.

Just as she was about to leave in search of assistance from a town local, the doors before her opened and a voice greeted her.

"Hi, sorry for the wait! Lucky for you I was on my way to the kitchen when I heard the knocks, may I help you?"

Forming a warm smile on her face, the mare replied with an equally pleasant and chipper voice that betrayed her downcast appearance.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Anonymous. My name is Quill Scribbler and I'm here to ask you a couple of questions about your stay here in Equestria."

"Oh, that's right,” Anon snapped his finger. “I got a letter the other day from Princess Celestia telling me that my case worker would be coming soon to interview me. So you're with the...?"

"Department of Immigration and Integration, or the "D", double "I" for short. Yes, that's correct!" Quill finished for the human.

"Oh, please come in!" Anon offered the dim green coated and red maned mare.

Merrily trotting inside, Quill Scribbler took in her new surroundings as Anon closed the doors behind them.

"The letter said you would be coming tomorrow, can I ask what happened?" Anon asked the mare.

"Oooh, there was something in my schedule that cleared up faster than I thought it would and I figured you'd probably wanted this out of the way as soon as possible, so here I am!" She answered bubbly.

"Oh, okay. Um.. would you like anything, food or some water perhaps?"

"No, I'm fine thank you. So, is there anywhere you would like us to begin our little interview, Mr. Anonymous?"

"Hmmm, I think the den could do. Oh, and please, you can just call me Anon if you want."

"Thank you, Anon. Also, this place has a den?"

"Uh.. it's more like a library with a bunch of couches thrown in, I just call it a loft cause it seems appropriate. If you'll follow me, I can have us there in no time."

"Right behind you!" Acknowledged the strangely bubbly mare.

After her declaration the two walked deeper into the castle in silence. Well, Anon was silent, Quill Scribbler on the hoof was marching behind him and humming a cheery tune to herself all the while. After a few more minutes of walking, the pair opened a set of doors revealing a library which, much like Anon had mentioned, had seating arrangements strewn about the area. When the two entered the room, Anon immediately made his way towards a pair of couches that sat across from each other over a small table.

Sitting down, he waited for his case worker to seat herself so they may continue their business, when Quill arrived at the couches she proceeded to remove her saddlebags and its contents, they were a variety of folders and notebooks which she set on the table. Satisfied with her placement of these items she plopped herself on the same couch Anon was seated at with only two feet separating them.

"Ookay," Quill said while squirming in her seat making herself comfortable.

All of this earned a curious stare and a raised eyebrow from the human.

She then levitated a notebook and quill over to her with a lime green shaded magical aura. "Let's begin. Your file says that it's been six months since the crown placed you in Ponyville, is that correct?" She asked.

"Yes, that is correct," Anon answered.

"And during this time, have you felt alienated from or ostracized by this community in any way?"

"Hmmm," The human rubbed his chin in thought.

"I swear to god, Twilight. If you don't give back my clothes right now, I'm going to shit in your sink!" Anon screamed from inside the alicorn's bathroom.

"Anon, you're being unreasonable! The rest of us don't wear clothing, nopony will judge you. Besides this will be an excellent step forward in conquering your fear of being nude!" Twilight pleaded.

"Twilight!"

"Okay, okay fine!"

"No, I don't think that's ever been a problem." Replied Anon.

"Good, that's good," Quill said while writing something down in her notebook. "As you undoubtedly know, you are the only member of your species in this world. Are you sometimes saddened by or become depressed because of this fact?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"Does the community here reach out and help you cope with your emotional troubles?"

"Hmmm, I wonder what went wrong?" Pinkie Pie asked herself as she scratched her head with a hoof.

"I hurr... I fucking told you they were too sweet hurr..." Anon said as he tried to keep his food from regurgitating.

"Nah, that can't be it, there's no such thing as 'too sweet'! Maybe you just haven't had enough cupcakes to make the sadness go away. Here, try this!"

"No! Hurr..."

"Now don't you go being a grumpy pants, come on!" Whined Pinkie.

"Hurr.. I said no!"

"Eat it! I made it so you feel better!" Pinkie yelled while trying to force the super sweet cupcake in his mouth.

"Fucking STAHP!"

The two began a small scuffle inside Sugar Cube Corner's kitchen which only ended when Pinkie Pie successfully forced the pastry inside Anon's mouth.

"See, that wasn't so bad, now was it?" Pinkie rhetorically asked in celebration.

"HURRRRGGHHGGHH!" Was his answer to the pink pony.

"Awww, Anon. Now I'm going to have to clean that up!"

"Yes, they do, and I have to say, they've all been a tremendous help."

"That's great to hear, Anon," Quill said while jotting down another note. "Are your dietary needs being fulfilled here? Are you eating properly?"

"Here you go, Anon! Just like I promised, a full homemade apple pie for a full day's hard work, Eat up!" Presented the country mare.

"Aww, thanks, Applejack. You know, just a slice would have been good for me, you didn't have to go this far." Anon said as he took a seat at the table and began to chow down on his prize.

"No, no. I'm'ah mare of my word, and I like to keep my promises."

"Hey, Applejack. This tastes a little different from last time I had some." Anon said as he drastically slowed his chewing.

"Uh.. yeah, sorry about that. Had to uh.. improvise on some ingredients, running a bit low here at home, gonna have'ta get more soon."

It was then that young Applebloom scampered into the room and saw what Anon was eating.

"Oooh, pie! Can I have some?"

"Yeah sure, why not?" The human said feeling a tad bit generous.

Just when young Applebloom almost reached the table, Applejack sprang into action, leaving her backside facing you and forcing little Applebloom a few feet back.

"No! Uh.. I mean, now, now, Applebloom. This here is Anon's pie, which he earned by working out there in the hot sun all day and-"

It was here when Anon stopped eating all together, very suspicious of the whole situation, he brought his face near the pie itself and sniffed. All the hallmarks of an Applejack baked apple pie were there, save for one. There was an extra aroma to the pie, it was sweet definitely, but also musky. Taking his face away from the pie, he turned to question Applejack but suddenly stopped, there it was again, the musky odor that was in the pie. Inching his face closer to Applejack's tail he hesitantly took a whiff, it was then that he realized what that odor was, it was sex.

"Son'uva bitch," He said with a mouth full of the tainted pie.

Swallowing the remainder of food that was in his mouth, Anon proceeded to roughly yank Applejack's tail up and slam the still steaming hot pie into her bare ass.

"Hhaaaahh!" Applejack screamed.

"Yeah, I'd say so. I get a funny little griffon trader here once a month for meat and Ponyville's home to some the freshest fruits and vegetables I've had the pleasure of eating. I think I've got everything covered here."

"Excellent," Another note written down. "Now ha-"

Quill was interrupted by the sound of a door opening, causing both of the couches occupants to look at the noisy offender.

"Oh, am I interrupting something here, sorry!" Said Twilight Sparkle as she sheepishly tried to slink back into the doorway.

"Ooh! This saves me the trouble of finding you later," Quill muttered to herself. Hello! My name is Quill Scribbler and I'm Anon's case worker for Immigration, I've been informed that you and the other element bearers have had the most direct contact with Anon, is this true?" She continued.

"Oh! good afternoon, Ms. Scribbler! We weren't expecting you until tomorrow, but yes, that is correct," Twilight said proudly.

"Great! Can you do me a favor, could I get you to round up the other elements and bring'em back here? I need to ask you all some questions about Mr. Anon here!" Ms. Scribbler cheerfully asked.

"It'll be no problem, I'll be right back," Twilight said as she left the room and closed the door.

"Okay, now where were we," Ms. Scribbler muttered to herself. "Right! Now, have you actively tried to partake in any community events or physical activities, and if so were you responded with any negativity what so ever?"

"Ms. Scribbler-"

"Please, my friends call me Quill," Ms. Scribbler said while smiling warmly and looking directly into the human’s eyes.

"Okay,.. Quill," Anon smiled. "Are you asking me if the ponies here are letting me play any of their reindeer games?" The human teased.

"What?"

"Sorry, just a dumb human joke," Chuckled Anon.

"What?" Asked Anon.

"You hicc.. you heard me! Right here, right hicc.. now!" Rainbow Dash stated drunkenly.

"So you're telling me... that if I drink you under the table right now, you'll leave me the fuck alone for the rest of the month?"

"Yessh.. but... if you lose, you'll have to fuck me hicc.. on that table in front of hicc.. all these other... chumps. Finally proving.. to everypony here hicc.. that you're mine.. and you'll have to pay the tab too hicc..."

All was quiet in the bar as Anon fooled with the idea in his head, wondering if risking exhibitionism with Rainbow was worth a whole month of peace.

"Fine, fuck it!" The crowd got there answer.

As the bar erupted into cheering, a table was cleared and the challengers were seated, a hostess quickly brought forth a bottle of hard alcohol and a number of shot glasses.

When the hostess finished setting up the first round of shots, Rainbow Dash proclaimed. "Ladies first!" Before cleanly finishing her shot.

To which Anon politely replied with. "You are no fucking lady."

"I got something wet and itchy here that's just dying to prove you wrong, big guy," Rainbow Dash said as she disgustingly rubbed something of hers under the table.

After looking at her with a face of revulsion, Anon quickly took his shot of poison and smugly smiled at her. "Ahh! Not today, squirt."

And with that, the game began.

After two hours of drinking, a very unhealthy amount of empty shot glasses were stacked on both sides of the table and both contenders were breathing heavily and swaying dangerously.

"Just... give... up..." Rainbow Dash said as she finished her latest shot, adding to the hospital visit worthy amount of shot glasses at her side.

"Mmmm-fuck you," Anon stated drunkenly.

"Please..."

Anon just glared at the full shot in front of him before reaching for it... and missing.

"Come on, you motherfucker."

With an exertion of mind, spirit and body, Anon was finally able to grab the glass before him and, with a display of human like fortitude, downed the shot.

When the echo of the slammed glass finally reached Rainbow's impaired state of mind, all she could do was stare blearily at her next glass before falling forward, banging her head on the table she desperately wanted to publicly fornicate on as she tumbled under it.

Shocked gasps rang throughout the tavern and all were silent after witnessing what just happened, all save for one human.

Standing up rather quickly, Anon threw his hands in the air and bellowed. "Yes! You can eat my shit forever while you're paying off that tab too, bitch! Whoooo!" Before drunkenly stomping his way out of the bar.

"No, no one has ever treated me with ill intent whenever I joined a playful game or two. The ponies here know how to play nice and I have nothing but the highest respect for them." Anon said as he looked down from his musings, mildly shocked to have found that small space separating them had closed.

"This is all so wonderful to hear, Anon," Ms. Scribbler crooned as she wrote yet another note down, practically leaning into Anon himself. "I thinks it's safe to say that you are in very capable hooves here in this lovely lttle town."

"Yeah, it is quite nice here."

“Now, I just have one more question for you," Quill said as she levitated her notebook to the table and removed her glasses, meeting Anon's eyes with her pleasantly shaded ruby ones. "Have any of the locals here pursued any.. romantic relations with you, have you been.. intimate with anypony?"

"No, they haven't, and I can't say I have either," Anon said as he gently smiled at her, now that he was getting an idea as to what she wanted.

"What a shame, any mare with a decent pair of eyes could see what a catch you are," Ms. Scribbler purred as she continued to lean forward.

"Is that so?"

"Of course," she said whilst climbing into the human's lap and placing a hoof onto his covered chest. "You're so big.. and strong, and if anypony were to just sit down and just talk with you, they would see how polite you are."

"Well then, I guess I'm glad you were the pony to finally do it," Anon said as the unicorn mare's hoof started to drift lower and lower.

"Me too," Quill said breathily as she felt Anon's arms snake around her, bringing them closer together.

When their faces met one another, Quill softly breathed air into Anon's face before she started kissing him. It was swift and lust filled lip-locking at first, but once they grew more comfortable with one other the quick kisses turned into lengthy tongue wrestling matches followed by an ever increasing amount of bodily grinding between the two.

"Mmpphh, that's good!" Quill quietly moaned as Anon was firmly grabbing her ass, while she herself was continually pushing her clothed groin into his own.

Just when Quill was about to use her magic to undo his pants, their fun came to a screeching halt in the form of an opening door.

"I'mm baaack!" Twilight announced quite happily.

With unprecedented speed from the both of them, they separated from each other and quickly realigned their clothing.

"And just in time! I was just finishing up here with Anon," Ms. Scribbler said as she put on her glasses.

"You were?" Anon cheekily whispered to her.

Licking her lips, Quill continued. "May I speak to Ms. Rarity while you, Anon and the rest wait outside? When were through she'll send one of the other bearers in until I've spoken with all of you."

"Certainly, let me just send her in," Twilight said as she exited the room.

Just as Twilight left the room, Quill swiftly leaped into Anon's lap, making sure to land her groin on a certain spot of his. "And to answer your earlier question. No, I wasn't," She said before seductively licking his throat to his chin.

"Good afternoon, Twilight said you wanted to speak with me?" Rarity said while taking a seat on the couch across from the suit wearing mare.

"Yes, my name is Quill Scribbler and I'm Anon's case worker for his immigration and integration into Equestrian society. I've come to ask you and a few others about that funny little human's stay here in Ponyville, is that alright with you?" Quill stated while levitating her notebook and quill.

"Oh, most certainly! Anything to help our dear beloved Anon!"

"Excellent! Now, Anon here is a special case, he is constantly wearing clothing. I've been informed that you, Ms. Rarity, have been contracted by the crown to supply him with all that he needs. Can you tell me if any of his excessive coverings have brought suspicion towards him and if so has he been negatively confronted about it?" Ms. Scribbler asked.

"Hmmm," Pondered Rarity.

"Rarity, I swear on all that you hold dear. If you don't make me wearable pants, I will get some clippers and fucking bald you!" Threatened Anon.

"What in Equestria are you talking about my dear human? These pants are perfectly suited for a day's outing, just try them on and I'm sure you'll fall in love with them." Chided Rarity.

"Rarity, these are glorified ass-less and dick-less chaps, I'm not fucking wearing these!"

"I really don't see what the fuss is about, just imagine how stunning you'll look with these on."

After having five seconds of silence pass between them, Anon took a menacing step towards the fashionista, reminding her of his promise.

"Okay, okay, I'll do as you ask, you brute! Just... can you please put them oonnn! I need to see what you're hidinngg!" Cried Rarity.

"No, of course not. I can honestly say that it has never been a problem for the town."

"Alright," Ms. Scribbler muttered to herself while writing in her notebook.

"Now, Ms. Pie, wh-"

"Please, you can just call me Pinkie. Ms. Pie is what my dad called my mom when they made funny noises together in their room at night," Giggled Pinkie Pie.

"Umm... right. So.. Pinkie, I've heard you're quite the party planner. Is that true?" Quill asked.

"Yuperooni!"

"I've also heard that you threw Anon quite the welcoming party, can you tell how that went?"

"Oh, yeahhh! I almost forgot about that one! Sure, I can tell you!"

"Alright, Nonny! Only one more game remains, are you sure up to the challenge?" Pinkie asked.

"If it's anything like the last ones, I'm pretty sure I can take it. What do you got for me, Ponk?" Anon boasted.

"Behold! Bobbing. For. Apples! But beware, for deep below the water lies a ravenous creature, that will devour any who dare dwell in the water for too long!" She warned.

"Uh-huh. Well, I guess I shouldn't dawdle then, now should I?" Anon teased before he moseyed over to the wide container of water and dipped his head under the liquid.

All was going well until he braced himself against the container’s edge and struggled violently with an unseen force below the dark water, after awhile, Anon was finally able to tear himself from the water, bringing with him a very familiar pink pony who had her mouth locked to his.

Standing upright again, Anon hurriedly tried to remove the pink parasite from himself, after a few moments of the scuffle had passed, he was finally able tear the pony away from his face and out of his mouth. After dropping her to the ground rather roughly, Anon fell to his knees and started to retch out the water he had inadvertently breathed in during his struggle.

"Told you, you shouldn't have dwelled for too long!" Pinkie chided him while giggle-snorting.

"Huuuuuuu- ackhuhu!" Anon wheezed in air before violently expelling it. "What the fuck!"

"It was super-duper fun! There was games, cake, games, punch, cake and even more games! Anon loved it all, and I think he really enjoyed the bobbing for apples!" Pinkie explained.

"And he wasn't rude to anypony during the party?" Ms. Scribbler asked.

"Ah-uh! Anon's super nice all the time and wouldn't hurt anypony!"

"Well I'm happy to hear that, Pinkie."

Meanwhile, Outside The Den...

Five mares and one human waited patiently in the hall outside the room, idly chatting with one another to help pass the time, all save for two certain individuals.

"So, Anon... who's the suit?" A blue pegasus mare asked with a smug smile plastered to her face.

"Our month's not through, Rainbow. You come at me with that shit again and I'm gonna put your head through a fucking wall."

"Heh-heh."

"Good afternoon, Ms. Fluttershy. I've been informed that you're in charge of the local animal sanctuary, is that correct?" Greeted Quill.

"Oh, yes, that is correct," Fluttershy answered.

"So it's safe to assume that you would be an expert in animal behavior and their habits, yes?"

"Oh, I wouldn't know about being an expert, but uh.. yes, I think it's safe to say that I know more than most. Um.. don't tell anypony I said that, please?" Fluttershy added.

Not hearing her quiet request, Quill continued. "And in all the time that Anon has lived here, has he displayed abnormal behavior or any extreme inequine like characteristics?"

"Hmmm, let me think," Fluttershy muttered to herself.

Warm sunlight lazily filtered in through window curtains, pleasantly waking Anon with a soft embrace that only a caring lover could reproduce.

Though, his pleasant waking was ruined when he felt that something else was embracing him as well. Lifting the covers slowly off his chest, Anon revealed that it was actually Fluttershy hugging his lower body, with her head just above his waistline, staring at him silently.

"Fluttershy?" He calmly asked.

"Yes," She answered with equal calmness.

"This isn't the first time you slept with me, is it?"

"If I answer you, will you answer a question of mine?"

"Yes I will."

"Okay. Then no, this is not the first time I've slept here without telling you."

"Ah."

"Will you answer my question now?"

"Sure."

"Okay. Anon, why does your penis get hard every morning?"

"Motherfucker!"

"Eeep!" Squeaked Fluttershy as she clutched at Anon fearfully while burying her face in his lower navel to escape the human's wrath.

"Well, no. Not really. Besides his outward appearance and his diet, he's not all that different from us ponies. Although, he does smell a lot better than most stallions," Fluttershy added.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part?"

"It was nothing!"

"How'dy, I've been told that we were gonna be asked a few questions about our friend Anon, that true?" Asked Applejack.

"Good afternoon! Yes, that is correct. I've come on behalf of the Department of Immigration, and I'm here to come check up on our friendly little human. Are comfortable with answering a few questions for me?"

"Certainly, ask away! I ain't got nothing to hide!" Applejack said while desperately trying to avoid eye contact.

"Ookay... in my file for Anon, it says here that you are his main source for employment. What can you tell me about his work ethic?"

"His work ethic? Um... sure, that's easy, I can do that!"

"So... can you please explain to me again, how me fucking you in this barn helps workplace productivity?" Anon asked while scratching his head in confusion.

"Um... it boosts morale and promotes team synergy?" Applejack offered as she was leaning over a toppled barrel with her tail raised high.

"Uh-huh... Applejack?"

"Yes, Anon?"

"I'm leaving, and when I step out of this barn, you have exactly thirty seconds to get your butt out in that field or else I'm gonna come back here and shove an apple up your ass. Got it?!" Yelled Anon.

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," Applejack begrudgingly mumbled.

"Anon's a hard worker who commits to his duties no matter how difficult, and isn't afraid to take one for the team. I'm proud to have him helpin' at the farm... eeyup," Applejack said, only barely squirming at the half truth.

"Can we hurry this up? I'm missing out on flight practice," Rainbow Dash said callously.

"Most certainly, Ms. Dash. You're an astute pegasus, yes? In all your time spent with Anon, you must have learned a great deal about his character. What can you tell me about his general attitude and outlook on life?" Ms. Scribbler asked while resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

"Oh, Sure. I can tell you what you need to know. Anon'sss... pretty cool, I'd say a good steady eighty-eight percent on the "Cool'o'Meter". Um.. let's see, he's cool to hang with, uh.. great at parties and um.. oh yeah, like crazy fast. You wouldn't think he could move all that quickly with those two legs of his, but let me tell you, that human can burn grass if he has to!" Rainbow listed.

"That didn't... really answer my question, Ms. Dash."

"It didn't?"

"No. Um.. what I meant was, does Anon sometimes become irritable or angry even, specifically around ponies or when he believes he's alone?" Quill clarified.

"Oh, um.. nahhh! It's like I said, he's cool, and if he was mean to ponies for no good reason, that would make him uncool. Although... now that I think about it, he can be a bit of a stick in the mud sometimes."

"Could you elaborate on that?"

"Seriously, Anon! Stop! You can really hurt somepony like that!" Rainbow Dash pleaded while she dodged various kitchenware.

"That's the fucking point, numb nuts!" Yelled Anon as he chased her with a number of sharp items in his possession.

"It was just a joke! Chill out already!"

"How was you.. rubbing your cunt on my face.. while I was asleep.. a fucking joke?!"

"Well... the part where you woke up and your eyes just kinda shot open was really funny!"

"I'm gonna fry your wings and fucking eat them, you illiterate buzzard!" Anon screamed while clutching a meat cleaver.

"Well... let's just say that he isn't the biggest fan of pranks," Rainbow offered while she gently nursed her wing.

"Good afternoon, Princess. Well, it seems like your the last one, also I know this must be time consuming and I apologize if I've been keeping you from your daily schedule," Greeted Quill.

"Oh, it's been no problem at all, I can assure you. Anything for a friend, right?" Twilight offered genuinely.

"Absolutely! Now, let's see..." Ms. Scribbler said while digging through a folder and other various notes before continuing. "Yes, it says here that Princess Celestia placed Anon in your charge and tasked you with the duty of learning anything you could about human culture. Is this correct?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"Okayy, with cases similar to Anon's, it's not that uncommon for a non-pony citizen to accidentally take a cultural misstep or two here in Equestria. So, Princess, in all your time studying Anon and his culture, has he made any socially inappropriate or offensive displays in cultural ignorance during his stay here?" Ms. Scribbler asked.

A loud bang and the sound of breaking glass tore Twilight from her peaceful sleep. Eyes widening from shock, Twilight looked to her bedroom door. Just when she was about to investigate what made the horrible sound, the door handle to her bedroom started shaking violently and deep guttural mumblings were heard from the other side.

Fearing for her life, Twilight clutched at her blanket in panic and waited to see what horror would break open the door and devour her. When the entrance finally gave way, she was relieved to have found out that it was only Anon, who drunkenly stumbled through the doorway.

"Aghh!" Twilight groaned. "Anon, you almost gave me a heart attack!"

"I am the one who knocks!" Anon stated drunkenly.

It was the same night that Anon secured his momentary freedom from Rainbow's ceaseless assaults, but during his drunken celebratory march back home he somehow lost his way and was now in the middle of Twilight's quarters, babbling incoherently.

"What? Are you drunk again?" Twilight asked as she stepped out of bed to help Anon.

"Will you spank me if I said yes?" Chuckled Anon who was now on the floor by the mare's bed.

"Come on, let's get you to your bed," She said while helping him of the floor.

"Whyyy? There's a perfectly good one right here," Anon said before throwing himself on Twilight's mattress, humming at softness of it compared to the crystal flooring.

"Well, I guess that won't be so bad... though it's just to make sure nothing happens to you while you're asleep," Twilight said, speaking more to herself rather than Anon.

"Good. Now help me get undressed," He playfully demanded.

Twilight went to work with a small smile on her face, secretly enjoying the opportunity to care for her crush. Removing his shoes, socks and shirt, she was about unzip his pants when Anon playfully stopped her.

"Ah, ah, ahhh~ Not on our first date, you silly filly," Chided Anon.

Twilight smiled sheepishly before situating Anon and herself into bed. "There, comfy?" She teasingly crooned.

Grinning at her, Anon reached out and pulled the violet alicorn towards him. "Now I am," He said while playing with her hair.

"Anon.. what are you doing?" She asked, half excited and half worried about being so close to her human. Though, that didn’t stop her from rubbing his chest affectionately with a hoof.

"Whaaat? Can't I just be nice to you for once? I know can be mean some-hicc.. sometimes, but couldn't you girls just talk to me like a normal person would, instead of trying to get in my pants with some convo... con.. stupid scheme," Anon drunkenly confessed.

"Okay. Though.. were talking now... aren't we?" Twilight offered breathily, feeling a bit light headed with the whole situation.

"Yeah... I guess so," Anon responded with a small smile.

After a minute or two of sharing nothing but silence and breath with each other, they slowly began to drift closer to one another, eliminating the already small space between them. When their faces met, they softly brushed at each others’ lips for a moment before sharing a passionate kiss, it wasn't lust driven, no, but nor was it near platonic. After awhile, the kissing grew more energetic, their bodies were no longer content with being still and started writhe against each other with increasing fervor.

When their bodily grinding ended up with Anon on top, he finally broke the kiss to sensually bite at Twilight's neck, causing her to moan.

"Ooaah~ Ah-anon, I.. I love you," Twilight crooned.

Ceasing his affectionate nibbling, Anon looked up and drunkenly stared into her big amethyst eyes and confessed. "I love chicken nuggets too." Right before passing out on top of Twilight, pinning her to the mattress below.

"An-anon?... Anon?" She confusedly asked.

When the only thing to come from Anon was his quiet breathing, Twilight groaned in aggravation and disappointment. Figuring she wouldn't get any further, she attempted to remove Anon, but stopped when she accidentally ground herself against something within his trousers during her struggle, causing her to gasp in shock.

“Anon?...”

After a few moments of internal debating had passed, Twilight spoke again. "Anon?... If you still want to keep going, don't say anything."

Anon remained silent and couldn't remember anything the next morning.

"No. I'm quite happy to say that it has never been an issue for him, he has been very studious with my lessons on Equestrian culture, especially with the 'do's and don'ts' in today's society. Actually, from what I have learned of his world, were not all that different, culturally speaking of course!" Beamed Twilight.

"My, that is fascinating! Okay, just one more question and I'll be out of your hair," Quill said while juggling between a folder and her notes. "Okay..., now this one is really serious. From extensive testing conducted by the crown, it was discovered that Anon here, is in fact, immune to most forms of unicorn magic. Princess, during the entirety of Anon's stay in Ponyville, has he ever taken advantage of this fact with ill intent?"

"Give it!" Anon demanded.

"No! This has-ow.. significant scientific value! This needs to be published! I won't let you destroy it!" Twilight refused while being subjugated to a full-nelson neck crank by the furious human.

"A picture of me masturbating, does not belong in a science textbook!"

"Just think of all we could learn about human mating rituals with this!" She said while keeping the racy photo of Anon just out of his reach via telekinesis.

"Twilight, if you don't burn that picture and scatter the ashes, I will slowly remove your horn from your skull with my bare hands!" Threatened Anon.

"As if! We both know you wouldn't do something like that, Anon!"

Just as she finished speaking, Anon violently grasped her horn before he started pulling on it.

"Ah! Okay, okay, okay!" Twilight relented as she incinerated the photo and threw the ashes out a window. "There it's done... But..."

" 'But' what?" He asked as he kept his firm hold on her.

"Could you... squeeze it a little harder... please?"

"Your filth disgusts me, Twilight," Anon plainly said as he roughly let her go.

"No, absolutely not. I don't think Anon would stoop so low as to do that," Twilight calmly defended.

"Great, that is wonderful to hear!" Ms. Scribbler beamed as she packed her belongings and slipped her saddlebags back on.

"So that's it?" Asked Twilight.

"Yes. I believe I have all that I need to positively report back to my superiors about Mr. Anonymous here." Quill answered while double checking that she did in fact have everything.

"Great! Oh, here, let me walk you out," Twilight offered.

"Why, thank you! To be honest, I was probably going to need somepony's help with that anyway!" Quill giggled.

As the two walked out of the loft, they were immediately swarmed with questions about Anon and if he was going to stay there in Ponyville. All their fears and worries were expertly put to rest by Ms. Scribbler as they merrily made their way to the castle's exit.

When they finally reached their destination, Ms. Scribbler bid her farewells.

"...Like I said before, it has been all so wonderful to speak with all of you, and it warms my heart knowing Anon here, is in so many capable hooves!" Ms. Scribbler crooned.

"Oh, it's been no problem at all, even if Anon can be a bit rambunctious at times," Twilight replied for the group.

"I'll have to take your word on that, goodbye!" Giggled Quill.

"Goodbye!" Everyone shouted, making Anon slightly cringe with the too loud mares behind him.

Though, just as she was about to make her exit, she stopped and approached Anon.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Anon, I will be staying at the inn for tonight to sort through my notes, so if you have anything you want to privately... discuss, you can find me there," Quill said with that familiar inflection towards the end.

Turning around, she made sure to "accidentally" brush her tail on a certain part of his anatomy, forcing Anon to reply. "Mmph. I will uh.. definitely keep that in mind, see you later, Ms. Quill."

Opening the door, she turned around and winked at him before continuing. "I certainly hope so. It's been a pleasure, Mr. Anony-"

"Okay, thank you for coming, bye!" Twilight interrupted loudly while forcing Ms. Scribbler out the door before slamming it shut with her magic.

"Phew... well I think that went rather well," sighed Twilight as she returned to the group of shocked mares and lone human.

After a few minutes of silence had passed, Anon decided to say something. "You guys fucking suck, you all know that right?"

"Awww, Anon. Of course we do, and we also know that it's one of the many reasons you love us!" Pinkie pie crooned above his shoulder before playfully sticking her tongue in his ear.

"GOD DAMNIT!"

"WEEEEEEEE!"

In a fit of rage, Anon grabbed Pinkie pie and brutally pinned her to the wall, with his hands firmly closing around her neck.

"That's it.. just a little harder!" Pinkie wheezed as she coiled her legs and tail around Anon.

"YOU. SICK. FUCK!"

"Anon, quit it!" Shouted Twilight as came to Pinkie's aid.

"Yeah! Save some for the rest of us!" Cried Applejack as she joined the fray.

"Dog pile!" Rainbow screamed while throwing herself into the brawl.

"I WILL DEVOUR YOU ALL!"

"Oh, my! Do you think he really means it this time?" Fluttershy asked while she slowly inched herself closer to the spectacle.

"Well, darling. I guess there's only one way to answer that question. Shall we, my dear?" Offered Rarity.

"Umm... sure, why not?" The butter coated pegasus conceded.

"That's the spirit, my dear! TALLY HOOO!" The fashionista roared as she charged forward into battle.

"Yay!" Followed Fluttershy.

"I WILL TURN YOU ALL INTO MARSHMALLOWS AND HORSE STEAKS GOD DAMNIT!"

And that was how Anon earned last-man-standing after a two hour brawl, which ended with him "Bautista Bombing" Applejack from a ten foot drop onto an unconscious Pinkie Pie, finally knocking the remaining mare out and securing his victory over the legendary match.

FIN

Author's Note

YUUUUUUUUUUU~