Twilight Sparkle Punches a Baby

by democritus

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Rainbow Dash, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1616

Twilight goes to drastic lengths to solve boredom

Twilight Sparkle is really really bored. She tries to find a way to not be so bored. Gross rationalization of injustice ensues.

Published 2012-06-23 10:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-23 10:44:01 UTC

CHAPTER ONE

It was a warm, bright day in Equestria. Too warm. Too bright. Twilight Sparkle felt herself being forced out of bed by the societal expectations demanding she do something with bright, warm days. She lifted a coin with her magic, preferring to bend reality through sheer force of will rather than to move muscles, and put a bit in the ennui jar. Thinking for a moment, she decided to put a second bit in the jar as a response to the first. Rather than create a perpetual loop and render herself destitute, she decided to do something. "Spike!" She bellowed, "bring me the list of novel actions!"

Spike put down his afternoon tea. "You never made that list, Twilight."

"What? Really? Well why not?"

"You said that listmaking itself had lost all novelty, proclaimed the action pointless and futile, then put a bit in the ennui jar."

"Oh right. Well then, Spike, without a list we're going to have to figure out something new to do. Do you have the 'Great Big Giant Book of Every Activity Ever'?"

"You read it four times and decreed everything in it is boring. I told you this the last two times you asked for that book."

"Well shit!" Twilight put a bit in the ennui jar. She had taken up swearing to pass the time. It didn't help. "Spike, we're going to go about town and find something to do!" She started trotting downstairs.

"'We'? Why we? Why do I have to go? What about my tea?"

"Forget the goddamn tea! I know it is not possible for me to have already experienced the totality of all activity in Equestria!" Twilight kicked open the door, noting that she must try a more unique approach on the next door she encounters.

Twilight opened Sugarcube Corner's door with Spike. All sorts of beautiful confections and baked goods greeted her eyes. She didn't quite care, she had had them all before. "Pinkie Pie!" She hollered.

Pinkie hopped down the stairs. "Hey Twilight, what's up? Want a bagel?"

"No, Pinkie, I'm here because of my crippling ennui."

"You shouldn't go to a bakery for that. If I were you I'd go to a doctor!"

"No, Pinkie, what I mean is I'm stinkin' bored!" Twilight stamped a hoof. "You're the best pony I know for solving boredom, so I need your help."

"Well Twilight, I can help with boredom, but you should take a bath first!"

"What do you mea-dammit, Pinkie, let's just go already!" Twilight took a bagel and walked out of the door and trotted down the street, apparently unaware Spike and Pinkie Pie were still in Sugarcube Corner.

Pinkie turned to the dragon. "Spike, what's up with Twilight? She's usually not this grouchy when she's bored."

"I'm not sure, but I guess that since she does so little normally that she decided she has done everything. She's been on an existential rampage caused by her own limited perception of the world. Also she's reread 'Philosophy For Beginners' and decided ennui was her new favorite word." Spike took another bagel.

"Neeeeeeeeeeeat!" Pinkie stared silently for a moment. "I just wish I knew what it meant!"

Spike took a bite from the bagel. "I've picked up on it if only because she rarely stops ranting. Now come on, let's go before she chews us out."

"Hopscotch?" Pinkie said.

"Nope," Twilight replied.

"Jumprope?"

"Nah."

"Loopty-hoops?"

"Never."

"Flying kites?"

"Not worth it."

"Banishing a Vetala?"

"Only if you find one."

Pinkie just looked befuddled. It was a warm, bright day. The park was beautiful, and ponies all around were having fun doing any old thing. Only Twilight seemed bored. "Well Twilight, I think your problem is you don't want to try anything!"

Twilight shook her head. "Pinkie, I've told you a million times, it's because I've done all those things before. I flew kites and jumped ropes when I was a filly, and now I have nothing to do!" She tried to raise a hoof to stomp but only made herself stumble.

"So when did you go inline skating? You should've invited me!" Spike said.

"It was ages ago, Spike. It was fun then but it isn't fun now!" Twilight yelled, remembering to keep all four legs on the ground.

Pinkie was grinning ear-to-ear. "I'm having a blast Twilight! Wheeeeeeeeee!"

Rainbow Dash flew up to the trio. "Hey guys, what's so great?"

"Inline skating! You should try it Dashie!" Pinkie replied.

"So why does Twilight look so miffed?" Rainbow asked.

"Because nothing is new and everything is shitty!" Twilight screamed.

"She's bored, is what she means." Spike added.

"Ooohh, that's a tough one." Rainbow thought for a second. "Did you try Loop-"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well. Don't you usually read books at times like these?"

Twilight stopped skating and yelled. "Dammit! What do I have to do to find something entertaining around here!? I'm going home!" She stumbled off, tripping over every stone.

Rainbow and Pinkie merely looked confused. Pinkie hoped she could at least get her skates back soon.

CHAPTER TWO

"Holy shit Spike I've got it!" It was the first words Twilight had said in a while. Spike was just getting used to the idea of her quietly brooding. "I've focused too much on conventional means of recreation!"

"And here I thought I knew what you were whining about."

"It's simple, Spike! I just simply have to take a deontological view of having fun."

Spike sprang up in alarm. "No way! You're not messing with my teeth!"

"Deontological, not dentistry. As long as it produces a desirable end - such as me not being so fucking bored - it is a justified action!"

"Should I ask what 'it' is?" Spike's concern was almost tangible.

"Simple! I'm going to punch a baby."

Spike stared blankly. After a good fifteen seconds he blinked. Synapses and neurons were trying desperately to piece together what the words that had just entered Spike's brain meant and how he should respond. The intense action eventually produced a response. "What?"

"I said I'm going to punch a baby."

The synapses resumed their incredible and deadly task. "I hope this is a euphemism or code name for stitching or something."

"Nope!" Twilight somehow looked proud. "I am going to sneak up on a baby and sock it right in the face."

"Sweet Celestia what is wrong with you!?"

"It's okay Spike, the baby won't be old enough to form coherent memories. Its experience will be ephemeral, while I'll be able to look back on this moment with joy!"

"But why punch it? Couldn't you do something nice?"

"Anyone can do something nice to a baby any old time! What I'm talking about is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to punch a baby. It will be what I've desired for so long, a novel experience!"

"I'm not going to be able to talk you out if it, am I? I just want you to know this is a horrible idea and you will regret it."

"That kind of thinking is how I got the ennui jar so full. A life without regrets is a life without risks! Now come on, Spike! The damn foal will never see it coming!" Twilight opened the door by ripping it off its hinges with magic and sprinted into the town.

"I hope the foal will pay for a new door," Spike said, walking after Twilight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twilight poked her head around the corner of one of the market square tents. "And there she is, Peach Cobbler, the baby who will be my salvation."

Spike poked his head out and sniffled a little. "Seriously Twilight I think you're salivating a little. Does punching a baby mean that much to you?"

Twilight ignored his protests. "Fuzzy Peach doesn't really pay that much attention to her during the market, so she'll think Cobbler is just grumpy or upset or something. And escaping is no problem I can just wink out. Wait, now's my chance! Let's go!"

Twilight tip-toed next to the celery tent, with Spike following. Fuzzy Peach was there, bartering with the salespony, an excruciatingly long and intense process. As expected, Peach Cobbler was in a stroller near her mother. Barely able to keep her excitement in check, Twilight looked over the crowd. Good, no one was looking this way. Everyone cleared out when Fuzzy first protested the price. She reared up her hoof,

"Ah-ah-CHOO!" Spike sneezed.

Everypony there turned to him. "Gesundh-"

THOCK!

Everypony stared in shock. Twilight, leaning over the stroller with a hoof held high, met their stares. The only sound was Peach Cobbler sobbing. The seconds felt like hours as nothing happened.

Twilight winked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Now, tell me what you've learned from this," Princess Celestia said in her sternest voice possible.

"It is not a good idea to punch a baby," Twilight replied.

"And the OTHER thing?" Princess Celestia managed to up the stern.

"Using deontology to justify selfish desires is unjust, short-sighted, and is not a desirable end for the group."

"Aaaaaaand?"

"I should stop swearing so much."

"Eh, good enough." The princess of the sun returned to a more normal tone. "Well the funds in your ennui jar only covered half of the bail, so unless you can convince your friends to lend you a few bits... well, I guess you're shit out of luck!"

"Didn't you just-"

"Bye bye!" Celestia closed the cell door and walked out of the jailhouse. She flew back to Canterlot, to the royal palace, to her chambers. After dismissing her guards, she pulled a jar full of bits from under her bed, labeled "swear jar".

She put a bit in the jar.