You're NOT a Lesbian, Rainbow Dash!

by Lise

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4140

Rainbow Dash goes to explain her misguided affair with Spike to Princess Celestia... then things get even stranger.

After a night of drinking, Rainbow Dash managed to convince Spike he was a lesbian. The morning after, she received a summons from Princess Celestia to explain the whole situation.

Rainbow Dash was convinced she had the correct answers ready for the occasion. Yet what happens, when the Princess asks the wrong questions?

Warning! Contains suggestive topic references of sexual nature.

Reading by ScarlettBlade (Thanks, Captain! )

Special thanks to Octavia Harmony for editing.

Published 2016-07-17 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-17 22:10:01 UTC

Honestly!

The flight to Canterlot was awesome in the lamest way possible. Awesome, because ever since she was a filly, Rainbow Dash had dreamt of riding on a royal carriage pulled by pegasi guards. During the entire flight, she had barely managed to contain her excitement, preserving a facade of pure marble, while secretly freaking out like a little filly. Yet, at the same time it was incredibly embarrassing. Rainbow Dash was a flyer, and an awesomely good one at that! It was not her place to sit in a comfortable, spacious, gold encrusted air-carriage! Oh, and there was one further complication—Spike.

"The Princess is sending a carriage to fly us to Canterlot," he had said. Rainbow had initially thought he was joking. Even an Element of Harmony such as herself couldn't call a royal carriage on a whim. She had just started coming up with one of her witty responses, when the realization had kicked in. There was only one reason for Spike to have through all that trouble, and it was terrifying.

Rainbow Dash had chosen to remain quiet the whole trip, occasionally responding to Spike's flurry of questions with polite smiles and exhaustive vagueness. All the way to the palace she had thought how to break the news to him, and ultimately chosen not to do so.

Shit, Rainbow, you really did it this time. The pegasus swallowed as she followed the dragon into the palace. Way to mess up! Guilty didn't begin to describe how she felt. Getting drunk, saying all that crap to Spike about being a lesbian, not to mention the whole sensual experience that had followed... If anypony had done it to her, Rainbow would have their hide by now. Spike, however, remained nothing but enthralled. The pegasus bit her lip. She could remember a number of specifics from last night, making her feel even worse.

I really, really, really shouldn't have gone there. A slight blush covered her muzzle. What do I tell him now? That I was drunk as a frontiermare? That he isn't actually a lesbian and I'm not remotely into him? After what happened last night fat chance he'd believe me.

The throne room was empty when they arrived. That was good—it gave Rainbow time to come up with a plausible explanation in her defense. If Princess Celestia suspected what Rainbow thought she did, this was going to be a long and painful conversation. Maybe I should come clean now? It'll only hurt more if I put it off. She turned towards Spike, yet before she could say a word, the dragon looked at her with a combination of pride, hope and infatuation. His mouth stretched in a goofy, yet nervous smile, confirming what Rainbow knew and dreaded. Not the starry eyes! Don't tell me you've fallen for me this hard after one night!

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting," a regal voice filled the room. Upon hearing it, Rainbow's ears perked up, turned around, then drooped back down again. "Another pesky argument came up."

Celestia, goddess-ruler of Equestria, emerged in all her glory, making her way through the hall towards the throne. Her entire coat shined with the soft brilliance of the morning sun. Not a single speck of dirt, not a single stray hair ruined her perfection. Rainbow couldn't help but stare as the monarch passed by. For the briefest of moments the pony even thought she saw Celestia wink at her.

"Hey, no worries," Spike said in his typical casual style. Rainbow Dash felt like pouting. Leave it to him to address royalty as they were childhood friends. "Anything I can do?"

"Actually, there is one thing." The princess took her seat, mane flowing despite the lack of wind. "Could you have a talk with Blueblood again?"

"Blueblood?" Spike sighed with the attitude of a child having to take out the trash. "But I did that last week," he whined.

"I know, dear, but you know how he gets." The words were kind, but firm. "Just a brief few words. You don't want to look bad in front of your fillyfriend, do you?"

"Mooom!" Spike's face turned red. Rainbow didn't even notice. She was having trouble keeping her jaw from hitting the floor. Wait, what?! Spike, you did not tell the Princess what we did last night! Right? "Fiiine! But afterwards I want to have a serious talk with you and RD!"

"Of course, sweetie." Celestia hid her giggle behind a hoof.

Rainbow watched in horror as the Princess sat on her throne amused, while the sound of dragon feet stomped out of the room. Pull yourself together, Rainbow! This is just the hangover talking. No way he called Princess Celestia 'mom'! And he totally didn't tell her anything about last night.

"They grow up so fast, don't they?" Celestia asked with the slightest of sighs, destroying what little hope Rainbow had managed to gather. "He's become quite the young dragon, don't you think?"

"Uh?" the pegasus uttered the only response she was capable of.

"Spike," the Princess clarified.

"Oh, yes, Spike." Rainbow could feel her legs trembling. "Yeah, right."

"I know that Twilight hatched him, but I raised him." A single accusatory glance pierced Rainbow, making her heart to stop for a few seconds. "It's no secret that I think of him as my own child."

"Your own child..." Every word felt like a block of lead crashing onto Rainbow's back.

"And as such, I'm curious about something." Please don't ask it! Rainbow begged. Anything but that! "In his letter, Spike told me about your athletic endeavor yesterday."

Rainbow felt herself turn red and shrink at the same time. One of her wings moved on its own accord trying to hide her face—just like a filly who had spilled the milk, but still hoped it was good enough for drinking.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you told Spike he was a lesbian?" Celestia's words felt like daggers. "And I believe you explained this profound conclusion by enumerating all of his crushes since the day he arrived in Ponyville?"

Silence.

"Oh, and you missed Moon Dancer, by the way," the Princess added in a matter of fact tone. "Spike had a brief crush on her as well."

That geek? Shock briefly pierced through the pegasus' confusion. Seriously? You fell for her, but not for me?! What the hay does she have that I don't? Like, I'm totally awesome and all! She's just a bookhorse that had five friends in her life!

"And then you went on to illustrate the intimate relationship between lesbians," Celestia said with a mocking smile. Aren't you supposed to be merciful and all? Rainbow whimpered. "From what I read, you seem to left quite the impression. Not that it would be difficult, since Spike is... was a virgin."

"A what?!" Oh, shit! That's it! Goodbye life, hello Tartarus!

"Now, I am fully aware that sex is a part of life." Celestia rose from her throne. "It's not the first time a pony has lost their virginity." She took a step forward, heading straight towards Rainbow. "But when the dragon I consider my son sends a letter announcing he has lost his and has discovered he's a lesbian, I'm bound to ask myself a few questions." Another three steps. "Care to explain?"

"Well..." If I survive this, I swear I'll never touch a drop of cider ever again! "You see..."

"Yes?" Celestia was less than five steps away.

"I—" Was drunk at the time! "—just wanted to play a prank to get his mind off Rarity."

"I see." Celestia tilted her head slightly, eyes still locked on Rainbow Dash. "So you took my son's virginity as a prank?"

"Yes! I mean no!" Hay, that sounds way worse! Rainbow Dash's fight or flight instinct kicked in. Her head bent down, as her wings prepared to boost her out of the throne room at a moment's notice, consequences be damned.

"You do know that some males are also attracted to females?" The Princess asked in a tone so mocking it could scoop out granite with a spoon. "Not only lesbians."

Rainbow shut her eyes in shame. Just take me to Tartarus now.

"Or did you do that only to get in bed with my son?" The question shot through Rainbow Dash like a lightning bolt through snow. She was still struggling to deal with the shame and guilt, she didn't need to fear for her life as well.

"Huh?" Instinct caused her to jump to her hooves. "No way!" There wasn't even a shred of doubt in her mind. "Like, he's a cool dragon and all, and really cute, but I... I really am a lesbian, okay? I've been since junior flight school!"

Not this conversation again. Rainbow felt as if she was a teenager having to explain things to her parents. Her father had accepted it relatively painlessly, yet her mother... Rainbow Dash cringed at the mere recollection. It had taken a full hour of explanations only to get her mother to understand what it was she was trying to say. As good a mare as she was, her conservative upbringing had made it nearly impossible for her mind to process the fact that her daughter was into mares.

"I know what I did was..." The sentence was never finished. Rainbow's dictionary lacked words to describe what she had done. I put the pieces of his heart back together... and now was going to kick them to the moon. Awesome going, me... "I was drunk out of my mind." There, I said it. "I didn't mean any of this to happen."

"So, you are a lesbian." Celestia nodded, far too calmly for Rainbow's liking. "And you were never into Spike."

"No," Rainbow sniffed. "I'm really not."

"You were just drunk?"

"Yes..." Worst day of all times. It was getting more and more difficult to hold back her tears.

"Okay." Celestia moved closer, placing a hoof on the pegasus' shoulder. "I understand."

Really? For several seconds Rainbow Dash remained motionless, fearing that even breathing might shatter everything, causing reality to collapse on her like a cart of bricks. She had done something stupid, beyond stupid, and still the Princess had forgiven her!

"Th-thank you, Princess," she looked up, tears in the edges of her eyes. Celestia only smiled back, her eternally flowing mane, shining in the colours of the inverse rainbow. "You're really awesome!"

"Why, thank you, my little Dashie." Celestia tapped her tenderly on the back. "So, what do you think about hooking up with me?"

"That will be..." Logic kicked in with the strength of an industrial sledgehammer. "Whaaat?!" Faster than a bolt of lightning, Rainbow jumped back staring at Celestia in utter and complete disbelief.

"Oh, come on!" The Princess frowned. "Don't tell me you didn't suspect!"

"Suspect?" Rainbow shouted, her heart beating like the wings of a hummingbird. "Who the hay would suspect! You're Princess Celestia! According to my grandparents you were the embodiment of morality! There's no way you could be..." The word refused to come out of her mouth. It just didn't feel natural. "That you could be a..."

"A fillyfooler?" Celestia completed the sentence. "And why not? Is there anything wrong with that?"

"But you are a goddess!" Rainbow still couldn't come to terms with what she had learned. "You've lived for thousands of years."

"And you don't think I'd have gone insane without sex for all that time?" Celestia laughed. "Oh, Dashie, you're simply adorable."

Everything that I thought I knew, everything I've been taught in school is a lie. The old belief system, several numerous town laws, even two semi-religions unequivocally stated that Celestia was the symbol of purity and as such frowned about any sort of fornication, fillyfoolery, and coltcuddling. The revelation of this being false, had such an impact on the pegasus mind, that reality itself might have shattered.

"But, but Prince Blueblood," Rainbow Dash stuttered. "Isn't he your desce—"

"Great cousin to the nth degree," Celestia quickly corrected. "Oh, yes, that much is true. However, he's Luna's. She had a slightly more involved relationship with a stallion before our unfortunate fight. I was happy for her, but with everything else going on decided to keep the whole thing hush hush. It was necessary for ponies to think of us as deities back then. Not that we aren't." She winked to Rainbow Dash again, making the pony cringe.

"Err, okay." Try as she might she just couldn't picture either of the princesses doing it. Well, she might have had fantasies at some point, but imagining it actually happening... No! No, not going there, no! "But you are—"

"I'm still a mare, Dashie," Celestia said softly, almost purring, as she approached uncomfortably close. "And mares have needs. You should know that better than most."

"Err, yeah?" Sweat was streaking in torrents down Rainbow's beet red face.

"Let's look at it logically, as Twilight would say. Am I a mare?" Rainbow Dash nodded with slow uncertainty. "And a mare has urges, right?" Silence sent a clear signal that the pegasus didn't want to go down that path. The signal was completely ignored. "If I wasn’t a fillyfooler how do you explain me not having children? I’ve ruled Equestria for millennia. And don't tell me you believe that nonsense about me being a virgin princess."

Rainbow Dash remained in a state of denial, hoping it would shield her from the present reality. She could feel Celestia's hoof passing through her mane, playing with it. Every instinct told her she should run, yet she couldn't.

"So, how about it?" Celestia whispered in the pony's ear, making Rainbow's entire body tingle and not in the good way. "You can have a quick taste right now if you want?"

"Gross!" Rainbow Dash let slip, instantly covering her mouth with a hoof. Oh, shit! She had said that out loud... to the Princess! If she thought she had banishment before, this ensured that a far worse punishment expected her.

"Oh?" Celestia asked. "Am I that unattractive?"

"What? No! Princess, I..." I what? I'm an idiot? Duh, she probably knows that. What would Daring Do do at a time like this?

"It's the age difference, right?" Celestia pursed her lips, succeeding in making Rainbow Dash feel an entirely new level of awkward. "You're into young things only."

"No, I..." Although just thinking of making out with a millennium old mare was enough to make her stomach turn. Fighting changelings! Think of fighting changelings!

"Or is it the height?" Celestia arched a brow. "I've heard from Fleur de Lis that she too has problems attracting mates because of her frame. Despite what is written in the fashion mags, being tall is not what every mare wants in life.

"I'm just not into you, Princess!" Rainbow shouted. "It's not the age, not the height, and you're literally pretty as the sun! I just... I just can't!" There! I said it! She was breathing heavily, wings extended, feathers ruffled, waiting to hear the words that would seal her fate. What the hay's wrong with me! I'm into mares. Any mare will give her back hoof for this. Like, how awesome would it be to have Princess Celestia for a marefriend?

Rainbow's mind wandered off for a moment, going back to her drunken experience with Spike. Did I come onto him like that last night?

"I understand." Celestia said curtly in the very specific not-angry-just-disappointed tone. Just like my first three breakups, Rainbow thought. Those hadn't gone down well at all. Images of torn furniture and broken walls came to mind. And those were just pegasi! One could only dread what a scorned alicorn princess might do.

"Sor—" Rainbow attended to say meekly, but was instantly cut off.

"I know the reason perfectly well, my little mare." The words bounced off the walls, attacking the pegasus from all sides. "The truth is you aren't a lesbian, Rainbow Dash. You never were."

"Wha the wha?" Now this was unexpected. Fear, desperation, guilt, all were swept away by the maelstrom of devastating confusion that swallowed the mare.

"It's perfectly normal, and just as healthy, I assure you." The Princess nodded with a smile.

"But..." Was this a prank, or a case of denial? Rainbow knew that sheets awesome, but even her ego had enough common sense to think she could make a monarch act like a scorned lover. "I've been a fillyfooler ever since I could remember! Ever since—"

"Junior flight school." Celestia interrupted, utterly enjoying the sight of Rainbow squirm. "And did you have many relationships there?

"Duuuh! Like, dozens!" The pony's ego quickly took over. Her chest puffed up, wings folding to the side, as she resumed her cocky posture. "Per year." She half closed her eyes in an expression of supreme overconfidence.

"Dozens per year?" Celestia placed a hoof in front of her mouth in faux amazement. "Is that one marefriend per week or more?"

Ouch! Way to burn me, Princess!

"And how many of them are you still in talking terms with?"

Rainbow Dash thought about it, then thought some more. There was Fluttershy, although technically, Rainbow had never actually dared ask the question. Both of them had been young at the time and Rainbow herself hadn't been aware of her tendencies. And there was Gilda, of course, but she had outright said she wasn't into ponies. Actually that was the only time Rainbow Dash had been the one dumped.

"Well?" Celestia's asked with the smile of a schoolteacher.

"I'm just too awesome to handle, that's all!" Rainbow grumbled. "I had a long relationship with Derpy." Pity I found an year in that she was polyamorous. Still, it could have worked. "And I hung around with Cloudchaser for a bit, and Pinkie Pie was—"

"Dashie, Dashie, Dashie." The Princess sighed. As far as Rainbow Dash could tell, every mention of the her name was a speech in itself. The first voiced the monarch's disappointment in her wild and frivolous lifestyle, the second pitied her for the obvious failures of her love life, and the last condemned her denial. At least that was what it seemed like. "What about that one night stand with Thunderlane?"

"What? Oh, that was a mistake! I was drunk at the time—"

"Drunk again?" Celestia asked in the most innocent tone of voice.

Hey! "—and I mistook him for Cloudchaser," Rainbow finished, ignoring the comment. Much to her dismay, she could feel the blood rush to her face. "It was dark and we had agreed to meet at a bad time." Thought, spending one hour waiting for her while drinking was bad. I guess that was Cloud's hint she didn't want to hook up with me.

"And Bulk Biceps? Any drunkenness involved there?" You just had to make that jab, didn't you, Princess?

"I just felt pity for him, okay?" Of course, Rainbow didn't add that he had gone on to date Cloudchaser shortly after. When she had learned, her feathers had nearly fallen off with jealousy and envy. Although, she couldn't exactly say which of the two she was more jealous of.

"Cheese?" The questions kept on coming.

"Hey, that was totally Pinkie's fault!" Rainbow waved a hoof defensively. "When Pinkie said a fun party, I thought she meant only with her. Things just escalated a bit..."

"Of course." The I-so-totally-believe-you-except-I-don't expression made Rainbow's mane stand up. "And that case your cloud swimming experience with—"

"Don't say it!" the pegasus shouted, her face twisting in horror. Oh shit! Oh damn! How do you know all this stuff?! "I was young and stupid back then. I was just experimenting!"

Rainbow stopped. If this was a fight, it was way too one sided. She had been on the defensive since the moment she had entered the throne room. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she really wished Spike was here to show some support. And the worst of the worst was that she had actually begun to consider the inconceivable—what if she really wasn't a lesbian? As much as she tried she couldn't remember an instance of making out with a mare. Not one single one!

Luna in a barn! What if it's true? What if I'm just a normal mare? Doubt crept in her mind, quickly to be cast aside by internal logic. No, no way! Everypony knew she was a lesbian! They had been repeating it since flight school. The way she behaved, the way she kept her mane, how could she be anything else? And there were all those dates. True, all of them had ended in varying degrees of bad, but still, why would any mare consider going out with her if she wasn't a lesbian?

"Rainbow." Celestia broke her train of thought. "Has any mare ever asked you out?"

The question was stupid. So much so that it took Rainbow Dash a full minute before shaking her head in response. She had hoped that joining the Wonderbolts would bring a massive boost to her love life, but that had proven as useful and efficient as a snowflake in summer. Interesting why, though.

"Well, you'd be surprised at the amount of attempts that have been made," Celestia said, bringing Rainbow's jaw to drop open. "During your first week as a Wonderbolt, Spitfire came to complain to me three times on how your 'teasing' is ruining squad discipline. And I can't forget the amount of letters I've received from—" she paused for a moment to take a deep breath "—concerned individuals, sobbing about you not paying any attention to them."

"Wha?" That's a joke, right? It has to be a joke! Rainbow didn't remember anything of the sort happening. Ruining discipline? As if! She had tried to approach Fleetfoot on two occasions, but that had ended way too awkward.

"Mares have been making subtle hints for years, Dashie. You just never noticed," Celestia said then chuckled. "How could you, since you are definitely, a hundred percent, not a lesbian."

"You mean all this time...?" Merciful clouds! I've been doing that all my life?! No wonder she only got laid with stallions. It would also explain why none of her relationships worked out. Well, excluding the one with Derpy, but that was way too strange for Rainbow's taste. "But I've been screaming at everypony in Equestria that I'm a lesbian. That's the only reason I keep my mane short... and I really, really love long manestyles!"

"Yes, and they has been so adorable to watch." The Princess hid a smile behind her hoof. "Not that you get a right to complain. Your misguided adventures managed to get Spike to fall for you." Celestia rolled her eyes. "I received more letters from him yesterday than Twilight sends in a week." A darker shade of pink covered Rainbow's face. "Now, I better take care of Twilight's latest education crusade. Something about the problems of lesbian-stallions throughout Equestria. So far there are conflicting reports."

Oops. Rainbow smiled sheepishly. Maybe having Spike write that note and stick it onto Twilight's horn wasn't as humorous as it seemed at the time.

"Like, seriously, mom!" The throne room door swung open and a fuming Spike stopped in, arms waving in the air. "Can't you just give him wings for a day or something? If I have to hear him cry how you always favoured Cadence to him, I think I'll... Err, you okay, RD?" He directed his attention to the pegasus.

Caught off guard, Rainbow froze as a statue. Through titanic efforts she managed to turn heard head just enough so as to offer a guilty smile to her, apparently, new dragonfriend. The phrase still seemed odd.

"Are you drunk?" He looked at her critically. "I leave you for ten minutes and just look at you!"

It's called a blush, you doofus! Look it up! "Yeah, just a bit." Rainbow's wings shuffled slightly. I wish I was drunk! At least then things make sense. Now I'm completely sober and confused as heck! There were positives though. Provided Princess Celestia wasn't trolling her, there was a chance that Rainbow entered a healthy love relationship for a change. And, strictly speaking, Spike was quite okay.

"Where did mom go?" The question surprised Rainbow. She turned to point at the place Celestia had been standing only to find she had gone.

Not cool, Princess! The pegasus let out a puff in anger. It would have been nice for Celestia to actually remain and say a few words of encouragement. Instead she vanished like a draconequus after a bad day.

"So," Spike went next to Rainbow, and gently passed his claws through the feathers of her wing, "what did you two talk about?"

"Argh!" Rainbow looked at the ceiling. Here we go again...