Haberdashery

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Random, Adventure, Main 6
Length: 2562

Rainbow Dash really wants to buy a hat from Applejack, but for some asinine reason she plans on taking 2000 chapters to do so. Man, who would write such drivel? Who would bother parodying it? Super Trampoline, apparently.

Rainbow Dash really wants to buy a hat from Applejack, but for some asinine reason she plans on taking 2000 chapters to do so. Man, who would write such drivel? Who would bother parodying it? Super Trampoline, apparently.

Published 2016-07-24 07:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-18 19:29:46 UTC

Rainbow Dash Loves Dressing in Style

"Okay, so, Rarity, you gotta help me out."

"Certainly, Rainbow," her friend replied, hemming a sleeve while Rainbow passed about her shop. "What seems to be the problem, dear?"

"Okay, so you know how you make and sell clothes, right?"

"Well, yes, that I do."

Rainbow continued trotting in circles, not bothering to face her friend while she talked. "And you know how Applejack runs that little hat and assorted knick-knack shop out of her cellar?"

"Yes! Besides being good friends, we are also fine business associates. Rather than infringe on each other's business, I prefer to just nudge her towards specializing in products I don't care for, and then send customers her way when the horseshoe fits, so to speak."

"Uh huh, yeah, well the thing is, I really want to buy a hat from her."

"Oh, I don't blame you, darling! Her designs can be a bit utilitarian for my taste, but I'm sure you'll look, well *hehe* pardon the expression, *snrk* dashing in one of her accoutrements. You're lucky she sells hats though."

Rainbow scratched the back of her head nervously, like she always does when she's nervous. Like, if you were playing poker with her, you'd probably win, because she's a mess under pressure. I mean, there have been multiple episodes of the show that partially or entirely revolve around the fact that she has nervous breakdowns when she's stressed. It's almost like she can be an entirely different Pegasus under the 2cool4U façade she's constructed. You could say that hides her vulnerability beneath a tough exterior shell. Like a tortoise. But when the stakes are highest, just like that tortoise, she's steadfast and almost always pulls through, be it for herself, her country, or her friends. Inasmuch, she displays many elements of loyalty.

Where was I?

Oh, right. Rainbow Dash scratched her head nervously, and replied, "I mean, yeah, I guess? Don't most haberdashers sell hats?"

"Oh, no, haberdashers sell needles and buttons and zippers and other small assorted sewing goods. You're thinking of a milliner. Milliners design and make hats. By definition, I am a milliner, although that is not my main focus, obviously. Nor, as I was saying, is it Applejacks; luckily for you, she just happens to like hats and so sells some in addition to her main inventory."

"Fyew!" Rainbow exclaimed. "I was worried for a moment that Super Trampoline was going to have to change this story's title to "Millinery", which isn't anywhere near the pun on "Appledashery" that "Habberdashery" is."

Rarity set down her needle and sleeve. "Dear, I haven't the foggiest what you're going on about. Isn't Super Trampoline that one batpony who plays Prench* horn at 3 in the morning and floods the town bulletin board with questionable real pony fiction? Not to gossip, but I mean, what a layabout!"

Rainbow Dash scratched her head nervously. She seemed to do that a lot. "Heh, yeah, what a loser, haha!" She didn't sound particularly sincere.

Rarity resumed hemming that sleeve. It was really taking a long time, almost as if the author was only throwing the action in there to keep this from being a strictly dialogue-based story. "Right, well, moving on, you want to buy a hat from Applejack. I don't mean to appear insensitive, but wherever is the problem in this?"

Rainbow scratched the back of her head nervously, "Right, well, about that..."

Author's Note

*Prench means from or related to Prance. It's a horse pun.

++First Part: Rainbow's Evening After++

"It was closed?!" Rarity exclaimed exclaimingly. "You couldn't buy it?"

Rainbow was now a sobbing mess collapsed in Rarity's forearms, the later gently stroking her friend's barrel. "Yes, it-it-it...*snnrk* th-the sign. the sign o-o-oon the door. It just... Oh Rarity!"

"There, there, Darling. Just let it all out. Cry all those tears. Ain't no shame in being unladylike when you're dealt such a low blow."

"Yeah. I know, I know. It's just *sniff* I don't know what to do now. Like, my whole world's been upended. Like a rug has been ripped out from under me."

Rarity rolled her eyes. Rainbow could be so overly hysterical sometimes. "Darling, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I believe the shop was closed because you tried to visit it at 8:30 at night. I imagine Applejack would be communing with her family over dinner that late in the evening. You know how that mare values her kin."

"I know, I know. But like, I wanted to buy a hat from her so badly, and now, it's just... I'm never going to get to."

Rarity rolled her eyes harder. "Dear, you can go tomorrow."

"But... what if we all die before tomorrow. What if an asteroid hits Equiis or Super Trampoline gets bored or Twilight accidentally stops time or Luna refuses to lower the moon or Applejack's parents come back from the dead to reap the flesh of the living or or or or--"

Rarity slapped Rainbow. The hot sensation stung Rainbow's cheek, snapping her out of her doomsday catastrophizing and into a new solidarity of focus.

"You're right, Rarity. I'll go buy the hat tomorrow. The little sign on the cellar door said that Applejack's haberdashery opens at 10am. I'll go back, march right in, and buy that hat at ten o'five."

Rarity smiled. "Now there's the brash bold brave Pegasus I know and love. Now, please, if you are finished with your dramatics, kindly exit my shop. It's been a long exhausting day and I need some me-time before I hit the hay, so to speak."

Rainbow smiled. "Say no more, Rarity. Thanks for being there for me." And with a flash, she was out the door.

Something Something Rainbow Pun

The next day, Rainbow awoke bright and early, probably because around 8:30AM the Pony IRS seized her house for tax evasion and she fell to the ground and got seriously bruised. That was a real downer. Get it, because she fell down? Anyway, now wide awake and homeless, She decided to head to Sweet Apple Acres to buy herself a hat. That way, even if she didn't have much, at least she had a hat, and that can get you pretty far, as Applejack can attest to. So, without further delay, she flew over to said apple growing location and landed just outside the cellar steps. Finally, she would buy a hat. She reached for the cellar door handle with a fetlock, since SOMEONE always writes about ponies using their fetlocks to grab and hold stuff, as if these magical ponies didn't have magical hooves. But alas

The door was locked.

"No, no no!" Dash shouted in successively more agitated tones. "This can't be happening! Why?! Why, Celestia, Why?"

"I'm not a god, you know," Celestia casually interjected. "And even if I were, do you think I'd use my mighty powers to lock haberdashery doors?"

"Eeek!" Dash interjected. "Not, cool, sneaking up on me like that. What are you even doing here?" Indeed, Celestia had entered the story with no explanation.

"Super Trampoline said he needed me for a throwaway joke. Castle life gets pretty fucking boring, so I said what the tarts. Also, check the store hours. Bye, Rainbow." Then she flew off to star in a better story. Probably. Or maybe she just called in sick and took a bubble bath the rest of the day, I don't know.

Dumbfounded by that completely unnecessary diversion, Rainbow deigned to read the little sign on the wall listing the store hours. Indeed, the locked nature of the cellar doors was not without reason, for there on the sign were words which when written together in the order they had been on the sign, signified the shop was not to open until 10 o'clock. It was currently only 9:12AM.

That the shop opened not until ten was not news to her; indeed, just the night previous she had related this information to Rarity. But to know of something is quite an inconsequential sensation compared to viscerally experiencing it. Rainbow Dash screamed, a long, forlorn, haunting dirge of vocalized emotions channeled through her vocal cords and out into the vast, uncaring world.

The Quest Begins

"So, Rainbow Dash," Twilight asked coyly, "Is it true that you're the fastest flier in Equestria?"

Rainbow never met an opportunity to stroke her ego she didn't take up, and so she replied: "Yep, I sure as sugar am!"

"Sure as sugar?" Twilight repeated. "That's an awful Applejackian thing to say."

Rainbow realized her mistake too late and tried to explain. "I, uh, I've been s-studying her mannerisms! Yeah, that!"

"Study her mannerisms? Twilight raised her eyebrows skeptically. Speaking of Applejackian, Twilight's expressive eyebrow game was second only to that of Applejack. That sweet, chiselled Applejack. Rainbow felt heat on her cheeks. No one could know, not even her closest friends! Especially not them! She had to be tough as nails and display no emotion when it came to emotion. Then maybe Applejack would notice how strong and brave she was!

"Uh, heh, slip of the tongue, you know?"

"Riiiiight. Anyway, There's a book at the Upper Bardigiano Regional Library that I really want to get my hooves on. Think you could run an errand for me, you know, because you're so Loyal?"

Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure, whatever. I know this is a baldfaced attempt to get me out of your presence for a few hours, but whatever."

"Dash, it's not like that! Look, you help me get that book, and I'll help you get that hat."

The prismatic mare didn't have to think very hard about that. "Deal!"

The Quest Properly Begins After Some Delay

After some explaining, Twilight properly imparted the location of upper... whatever Library. Boy, it's been a while since I touched this story. Anyway, it turns out it's east of Seaddle. Like, idk, near Spokmane, Shloshington. Did you know that that part of Equestria is pretty dry, actually? Some very cool topographic features from the last Equestrian ice age, you know, when the windigos were freaking everywhere. There was a really big lake that kept bursting its ice dam and causing massive flooding. I wish there was a horse pun at the end of all that, but there isn't. So anyway, Rainbow, now properly oriented, properly started off on her quest to... I'm gonna need to reread the rest of this aren't I? Probably something involving hats though.

Yeah, let's go with that. Hatquest.

Author's Note

GUESS WHO'S BACK

Haberdashery

So you made it this far? I'm impressed. You better get good and comfy--this is going to be a long boring ride. I guarantee it's worth it though, for a small subsection of the general population, like, say, if you're in prison and this is the only story they'll let you read. And even then you might still be better off just digging through the wall with a spoon. It's that boring. But let me tell you something. Rainbow Dash does eventually buy that hat. It just takes forever and a half. There's lots of adventure and comedy and boringness on the way there though. But I Pinkie Pie Promise, it ends in cuddling.

Haberdashery

(In which the readers collectively engage in learning about a flying pony's never-ending quest for ~~Josh Haber~~ a hat)

Author's Note

Ah, jeez, it's another one of those crappy parodies, isn't it? You made it to the second chapter, and that's something. Normally, I purposely don't read the story I'm parodying, just the comments and any relevant author blogs, in order to not follow the plot to closely. I think I'm breaking my rule here just because the comments don't reveal that much and I want to get a feel for how zany this story is. I don't know, we'll see.

The Waaaaaiting is the Hardest Part!

Thusly, Rainbow had some time to kill. This was a problem, as Rainbow Dash is not the most patient pony, as the opening scenes of Daring Don't illuminate. What was she to do? She needed a sidequest or something, something that would throw this story off course for a few dozen chapters.

"I think I'll go bug Twilight," she declared aloud to nopony in particular.

So she did.

Author's Note

Rainbow Bugs Twilight, Super Fails to Come Up With Creative Chapter Titles

"Hey, Twilight," Rainbow said coolly as she trotted into the Golden Oaks Library*

*This is pre-Twilight's Kingdom, yo!

, "what's up?"

Twilight looked up from helping a pony check out books, which despite being something I've never actually seen happen in the show, (which is really dumb if you think about it), I have to imagine would be part of her duties as a librarian, and mouthed "One moment," to Rainbow. Rainbow patiently waited. Okay, who am I kidding, she trotted in circles and flicked her fuzztacular ears adorably and generally made a show of being impatient. I mean, her being impatient is literally the main plot point in the last chapter; I can't completely abandon characterization now, can I?

Nevermind, don't answer that question.

Twilight finished helping said pony, and thusly turned her attention to Rainbow Dash. "Why, hello, Rainbow. You're up awfully early. What brings you here? It can't be to check out a new Daring Do book, as the next one doesn't come out for another four months. Maybe Dave Polsky should write an episode about that! Maybe Super Trampoline should write a joke about that episode in a different story that won't come out for another however long it takes him to finish it! So anyway, are you here to learn?" She said this with a glimmer of hope in her eyes, the hope that Rainbow Dash might actually read something beyond Daring Do, like, say, Earth Pony Family Structure in the Posey Era or something else equally boring, dry, and pedantic to everypony but Twilight Sparkle.

"Actually, Applejack's Haberdashery doesn't open for another half hour, so I figured I would bug you."

"Oh, jeez, lucky me," Twilight said, only half sarcastically, because while Rainbow could be annoying, she did nonetheless truly enjoy spending time with her. But then she gasped and stars briefly appeared in her eyes like this was Steven Universe or something, and she spoke thusly:

"Actually, Rainbow, there is something you can help me with."...

The Quest Has a False Start

Woosh! Rainbow Dash jetted (I wonder if they have that word in places that don't have jet technology yet. Hmmm, where did the word "jet" come from, though? A question for the ages.) off. Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but the words died as she realized that Dash was long gone already, being so fast.

Rainbow had gotten about 300 meters away when she quickly realized she had forgotten something important. She rolled her eyes and banked back around towards the Library. Thirty seconds later, she scuffed to a stop in front of Twilight, who was grinning. "Back so soon?" Twilight asked facetiously.

Rainbow rolled her eyes again. "Yeah, yeah, I'm a doofus."

Twilight continued to smile. Rainbow snorted. "Okay, I'll ask. Twilight, where is Upper Bardigiano Regional Library?"

Author's Note