Shattered inside

by Xenay

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Rainbow Dash, Sad, Suicide / Self Harm, Main 6
Length: 2604

Rainbow Dash has it all. And yet she has nothing.

Rainbow Dash has it all. Friends, a nice house, a good job, and even archived her lifelong dream.
And yet she still feels like she has nothing. Empty. Unloved.
When she's at home, her only friend is her shiny little blade.

If the picture and description didn't give it away, contains depression and self harm.

Cover by me.

Published 2016-07-18 20:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-28 15:15:18 UTC

Hurt

Author's Note

Hey, look, another stupid fic about my stupid life. Yay.

Hurt

There she was. Sitting with her friends. Laughing.

If only they knew...

Her friends know her as awesome, athletic, speeding, brash,... but they never realize that it's all just a mask. Nothing more. Because on the inside, she is broken. Literally.
There are days where she cries herself to sleep. Though those have grown more often over the past months.

Once again they were at Sweet Apple Acres.

"Hey Rainbow, think ya can beat me?" Applejack teased. They were gonna have another race. Who the hell came up with these iron pony competitions.

"I know so!" She said, being cocky like always. Even though she didn't feel like doing anything at all.

She had to, anyways.

She had always been faster than Applejack. But today just wasn't her day. She lost by four seconds. Which didn't surprise her since she couldn't really go into full speed.
But it surprised her friends.

"Applejack wins!" Spike announced.

Her friends looked confused at the dragon.

"Ah won? Hey, Ah won!" Applejack cheered. Most of her friends cheered for her too.
But one didn't seem to like it.

"Rainbow?" The purple alicorn approached her.

"Huh?"

"What's going on? You've never lost against Applejack in a race."

Think of something.. anything!!!

"Guess today just isn't my lucky day." Dash shrugged.

Twilight cocked an eyebrow.

"And you're not upset about her winning in something you've never lost before?"

"No?"

"Why not?!" Twilight said a bit louder than she intended to. Dash looked away.

"Why should I care? That was one time. Doesn't mean she'll always beat me." Dash said and turned to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Got some work to do. See you guys around." She said and took off. Her friends said their goodbyes. Twilight still wasn't satisfied though.

Dash landed at her cloud house. She hated lying to her friends, yet it was the only thing she did, it seemed. She sighed as she entered the house.
Ever since Tank didn't wake up from his hibernation, things had gotten even worse.
She used to talk to him about everything. He was like her diary. She could trust him. He never lost a word to Fluttershy.

But now she was just alone in her home again. In this empty house. All on her own.

The front door was like an entrance to a completely different universe.
Outside she had her friends, she wore her mask and lied.
Inside she was herself. Broken. Shattered. Her emotions died a long time ago. She didn't feel happy. She didn't feel sad. She didn't feel anything.

Except for when she felt useless, worthless, unloved. Simply shattered inside. The indescribable feeling of a shattered soul.

She couldn't tell her friends how she felt. What was going on. The truth.

So instead of talking to her friends, she did her talking on her skin.

The first thing she did since entering her house was walking to a certain drawer, not bothering to turn on any lights in the dark house. All her windows were closed because she hated the sunlight. Pegasi could see in the dark pretty well after all.

She opened the cabinet and grabbed a blade with her mouth. Her only friend that would always listen and take her pain away.

Sighing she sat down on the floor and brought the sharp blade to her arm. And pushed it over it, leaving a fresh wound. Blood formed on it and flowed down her hoof.
She did it again.

And again.

And for a moment she wondered why she should stop.

She would rather die on a terminal disease than live any longer in this world that left her so full of pain.
She was an element of harmony. The element of loyalty. And yet she wanted nothing more than to leave. Leave into a world without return.

Why couldn't it just stop already?! Why do I have to suffer?! What did I do to deserve this?! She cried.

She looked down at the fresh and bleeding wounds as tears streamed down her face.

Ponies had fur, so she didn't have to worry about anyone noticing.

Not that anyone would care anyways.

But was she worth dying? She wasn't even sure what's worth to live for.

Sighing again she put the blade back inside and went to wash away the blood. Getting rid of every evidence. Couldn't let her friends know.

Help (edited)

"Rainbow! Wait!" Twilight hurried after her.

Dash filled a basket with the apples. "What now?" She asked, annoyed. Her question was answered quickly as her hoof was surrounded by a certain magical aura, pulling it upwards.

"What the hay do you think you're doing?!" Dash snapped at Twilight.

"Where did you get those scratches, Rainbow? Are you secretly fighting wild cratures at night?" She asked softly.

"No. Must have happened when AJ and I had our race yesterday."

"And from what would these perfectly straight lines come from?"

"How should I know?!" Dash struggled to free her hoof from the magical grip.

"So in that case you probably don't have a problem if I tell the others about this, hm? They have to check the area to see if there are any sharp objects." Twilight gave her an evil smirk.

Dash sighed.

"Ok, fine. They weren't from the race. Just don't tell anyone."

Twilight released her from her magic. "So, you gonna tell me where you Really got them from?"

Dash turned away for a moment.
"Fine. I... I did it, okey?"

Twilight nodded. Of course the egghead had known the second she saw them. "I know. But why? Is this still about Tank?"

Dash glared at her again. "This has nothing to do with him! Or.. maybe a little..." She sunk back a bit.

"I only want to help you, Dash. And so do the others."

Dash sighed.

"You can't help me.."

She said and went back to apple bucking.

Twilight sighed.

"Um.. Twilight?" She turned around and saw Fluttershy.

"What is it, Fluttershy?"

"I, uh.. I really didn't mean to.. but.. I kinda watched you and Rainbow..." She trailed off.

Twilight was at a loss for words. "..so.. you know about-"

Fluttershy interrupted her. "She's doing it again."

"You know what she, wait.. Again?! She's done this before?!"

Fluttershy nodded. "She couldn't really deal with the bullies in flight school.. After her Sonic Rainboom, she became the talk of the school. But not in a good way. Because the colts she raced against were knocked out and didn't see it. So they turned the entire school against her, saying she was a liar and attention seeker..." She looked down. "Sorry, maybe it wasn't my place to tell you this..."

Twilight was stunned. "Fluttershy, wait. You said 'she's doing it again'. So she stopped?" Fluttershy nodded. "Then why did she start again? Why would she do that.."

"I'm sorry, I really don't know.."

Old scars

---Twilights Castle---

The alicorn had asked Fluttershy to come over. Since she knew about Dashs way of dealing with mental pain, she needed to discuss what had happened last night with her.

Sipping her tea, Fluttershy was listening to what Twilight was telling her.
"...and it got me worried, so I flew to her house. And I guess I came just on time. She said something about not deserving to live. This is crazy! And then I tried to comfort her in any way I could. But no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to get through! It's.. it's like she wasn't there.. I mean, she Was there, but.. Only physically. Her mind seemed to be so far gone... she cried the whole time. She cried herself to sleep. I only left early in the morning after I got rid of each and every sharp objects in her entire house!"

Twilight levitated her cup over and drank from her tea to calm down.
Fluttershy had long put the tea cup down, being too shocked to keep holding it. She nodded and sighed.

"I know she always made the wrong choices. Always hurting herself further instead of just telling someone what happened. I guess her pride was just too big, even when she was just a filly. It was always embarrassing to her to just admit that she wasn't as 'fine' as she always made everyone around her believe."

Twilight nodded. "Yeah, that's Dash alright. That's why it felt like she was a completely different pony last night.. saying all those things.. it just didn't wasn't like her.."

Fluttershy nodded. "I know. She hides it well. The second you believe her, that she's okey, you're doomed. She won't tell you anything anymore. She shuts herself, her real self, away from you. Twilight, never make that mistake. She needs someone she can be honest with. Someone she can share her feelings with."

Twilight sat in silent for a moment, thinking. "What about you? Can't she tell you?"

Fluttershy sighed and shook her head. "I made that mistake a long time ago. I got her to stop cutting. But that just wasn't helping her get better. So when I thought she was getting better while she didn't self harm... she started hiding it from me too. And seeing how she is at it again and trusts you with this, you're her only chance right now."

Twilight felt uneasy about this. "But.. I can't do this on my own! I've never helped someone wit this kinda thing!"

"You did last night. But me and the girls are going to help you, of course. I'll have a talk with her the next time I see her, anyways. Can you tell me where she did it?"

Twilight sighed in relief. "Her left arm, on her wrist."

Fluttershy nodded.

Then they heard the door open and turned their heads to see who it was. To their luck it was exactly the Pegasus in question.

"Is.. this a bad time?" The cyan Pegasus asked hesitantly after seeing Fluttershy with Twilight in the room.

"No, of course not. Come inside." Twilight said. The Pegasus entered, joining her friends on the couch.

Awkward silence.

"So, Rainbow. You know we all trust and love you, right?" Fluttershy started, her eyes only staring at her tea cup.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Dash, I know you're at it again. I though you were over this." Fluttershy had a strangely hard voice.

"What? Of course I'm over it!"

Fluttershy almost glared at her, raising an eyebrow and grabbed the Pegasus wounded hoof.

"Or.. I was over it..." Dash added. Fluttershy let her go again.

"Rainbow. We are always here. You can always talk to us. And you know that. And yet you still rather talk to a knife. I'm disappointed."

"Fluttershy, maybe this isn't the right time-" Twilight tried to stop her.

"No, Twi. She's right. I am just a disappointment." Dash said, almost crying again and flew outside through a window.

Fluttershy felt a cold pit in her stomach at that reaction.

"..maaaybe it really wasn't the right time..." She and Twilight exchanged concerned glances before they tried to fly after their broken friend.

Scars

On the next day she had another meeting with her friends.

Another day like every other. It was never anything new for Rainbow Dash. She'd rather be at home with her sweet sweet blade, making all the hurt go away...

"Okey best we spread and everyone takes a part." Twilight said.

...but Applejack needed help on her farm. Walking to a tree like the others Dash sighed.

"You okey?" Twilight came from behind her. Dash turned her head to see her.

"I'm fine." She lied, again.

"You sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Rainbow, I'm not stupid. I know that you've not been yourself. For a long time actually." She actually sounded concerned.

"Pff. Yeah sure. What, did you read that in a book?"

Twilight gave her a stern look at that remark.

"Look. We all know that you loved Tank a lot, and we are all here for you. But you have to let him go sooner or later."

Dash glared at her and looked away, bucked the tree and knocking a bunch of apples down.

"Rainbow. Please, talk to me." Twilight urged as she came nearer.

Dash looked away again. "Not like you'd understand anyways." She muttered.

"Huh?" Twilight had heard her.

"What." Snapped Dash as she picked up the apples from the ground.

"What do you mean I wouldn't understand?"

"Well, what do you think?"

"What are you talking about?! Why wouldn't I-" And it was at That exact moment that she saw it. And that could not be made unseen.

When Dash was picking up the apples and held them with her arm, they brushed against her fur. And Twilight saw the scars. The fresh scars that were just bleeding yesterday.

"Rainbow.." Twilight whispered as she watched Dash walk away.

Friend

Rainbow was still up late at night as she thought over the events today. Pacing around in her room until she was in the same position that she knew so well. It was like a deja vu as she sat once again with her blade.

"Great. Now Twilight knows. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!!!" She cried out in her mind, her blade marking every time she yelled 'stupid' at herself.
Panting heavily she wondered why she even bothered. Why keep going? Why suffer?
She looked down at the red flow on her arm.

Why stay alive any longer?

Nopony likes you!

The blade fell.

Nobody needs you, Rainbow Crash!

You're so pathetic!

You don't deserve to be here!

Tears streamed down her face.

"I don't deserve to live..."

"Yes you do." A voice startled her. Dash jumped up, ready to attack. But she eased up a bit when she noticed who it was.

"T-Twilight?! W-what are you doing here? How did you get in here?" Dash stammered.

The alicorn didn't answer at first. She saw the bloodied arm and just went straight to hug the Pegasus. Dash was too busy getting the comfort she so desperately needed to wonder if Celestia had heard her prayers. She buried her face into the alicorn's fur and soaked it with her tears.

"You deserve to live, Dash... you deserve so much more..." Twilight whispered to her ear.

"No I don't. I don't deserve you." Dash sobbed and pushed Twilight away from her.
Twilight pulled her back into a hug. Dash didn't resist, she was too weak.

"Oh Rainbow.." Twilight almost started to cry too. How did she not notice how much her friend was suffering?

"You don't need me.. nobody needs me.. you would all be better if I just.. vanished..."

Twilights eyes widened. "Of course we need you! You're our best friend! We wouldn't be the same without you!" Tears fell down her face now too.

"Some say happiness is shared easily. But so is pain. If you would leave, you would only spread your pain to everyone who cares about you.."

"Good. So it will vanish."

"Rainbow, please! I care about you! A lot! And so do Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Scootaloo and so many other ponies!"

Dash silently cried in response. Twilight released her slowly and held the bleeding arm in her hooves.

"Please Rainbow.. you're worth so much... why can't you see that?"

Dash sighed heavily. "Because I'm shattered inside..."

Twilight pulled her back into a hug and they cried together into the night.

Sometimes it helps when you cry together.

All you need is a friend.