Last Week Tonight with Discord

by FrostTheWolf

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna
Length: 126951

It was suggested to Discord that he should consider taking up a hobby. However, nopony expected him to come up with something like this... Or the shenanigans that will result from it.

So... guess what? When Discord was told by somepony that he should take up a hobby, what he decided to take on was something both out of the ordinary-

BOORRRIINNGGG!!! Just get to the introduction already!

Ugh, fine... Welcome Mares and Gentlestallions to Last Week Tonight. With your host, the lord of chaos himself, Discord!

Thank you! Thank you! You know... bah, expositions are boring, so just please enjoy my show as I talk about all the things and current events in Equestria and hopefully see the much needed changes. Because don't we all think that the Princesses need an outside perspective of what's going on in the world?

I don't-.

Anyone other than the authors? Nope? Well, let's get this party started!

A series of short satirical comedy pieces put together by MrAquino and FrostTheWolf based on the show "Last Week Tonight by John Oliver". Each chapter will contain the original subject of the chapter along with the reactions of other characters such as the Mane Six, the Princesses and so on. This won't be a frequently updated as some of my other stories and above all, this may be considered as a test for trying to branch out and come up with stories that aren't crossovers.

Feedback is very much appreciated. We would like to hear what you have to say on this and any advice that you may have to help us improve with future pieces. Also, the sex tag is for sexual humor.

Since there are no further ideas for future 'episodes', I am marking this story as complete.

Published 2016-07-20 04:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-23 19:47:22 UTC

Episode 2: Stereotypes

Author's Note

And again, we got more shots fired this time around. With a special guest star too. Enjoy!
-Frost

Episode 2: Stereotypes

After one week of starting his new hobby, Discord’s first episode of his new talk show and the premiere episode that dealt with the subject of Royalty was what and others would call, a success. In fact, Fluttershy earlier was just telling him how Twilight and the girls were thanking him for the amount of appreciation and praise they had been receiving in Ponyville… even if the amount of ponies trying to ask Twilight Sparkle for a job at her castle caught her completely by surprise. But it was shortly after the first episode went viral that he heard of reports in both the Crystal Empire and in Ponyville about something that fit along the lines of what his next episode was going to be on.

A little white birdie had told him that she wanted him to “find out more about the other species of Equestria”, even though she doubted that he would be able to find out more about any other species that could co-exist with Ponykind. Given this, when he looked at the same two reports on something that occurred in the Crystal Empire and in Ponyville, the Draconequus had found out about a changeling and a gryphon that were able to not only co-exist alongside ponykind, but also break the stereotypical mold of their own species.

This was going to be a fun episode, that was for sure.

Having everything in place and making sure that the sound barrier was in check along with his suit, he then had a small countdown of five seconds occur in his mind before he began to look into the camera and start the second episode. “Hello once again, Mares and Gentlecolts and welcome to Last Week Tonight, the show with the least amount of games being played and also with no thrones involved whatsoever. Tonight is a very special subject tonight because it is based on a small request that I had received shortly after the last episode went viral. Now, in order to protect that individual’s privacy, I’m going to give them a random nickname and refer them to it as such. So, somepony that goes by “Cae Cae” wanted me to look into the differences of other species and which ones can co-exist with ponies…… Or as I would like to call it… stereotypical myth busting.” A laugh track was followed by an image on the right side of the screen showing Twilight Sparkle in a lab jacket and some potions that ultimately exploded in her face.

“Now, let me ask you for your honest opinion on something… what is the first thing that comes to your mind when somepony mentions Gryphons or Changelings?” Various murmurs were heard. “With Gryphons, you think grouchy bird-cat creatures that love gold and the chance to make a few bits off of you, and with changelings, you think of this.” An image showed a changeling dressed up as a vampire, biting the exposed neck of some mare. “Not only are these too… extreme, but there are also some things involving certain species that just sound obscene. For example, changelings can only feed off of love and the entire concept makes it sounds like anything that comes out of Queen Chrysalis’ mouth is somehow a hidden innuendo.” Laughing crowd in the background before it slowly began to die down. “But, don't get me wrong, the Canterlot wedding was bad, I know because I was there… If you count being frozen as a statue inside Celestia’s rose garden being there in the moment.” More laughter.

“But I’ve done some research and after the Canterlot Wedding, there were a few weeks that the guards were putting up posters in which if they think somepony is a changeling to please contact them immediately. Yes… this is the same guard that have an academy best of 3/10 on the archery range and those same idiots in charge, put the entire city in a state of paranoia with these posters. What were they even trying to accomplish!?” The screen showed a soldier with crossed eyes and a speech bubble that read ‘I done a good thing’ and was followed by laughter. “And, thanks to that, everyone’s paranoid on who's a changeling and who's not, with more and more word about how they're evil when, in fact, they were trying to survive, and their queen wasn't invited before they were sent blasting off again into who knows where!”

Taking a moment to catch his breath, Discord soon got back to the main topic. “All of that speculation on changelings though has changed recently, no pun intended, because of a young changeling named Thorax and yes, I know what his name means and no, he’s not interested in a booty call.”

“You mean abdomen?” Someone in the audience asked.

“No, Thorax means butt.” Discord clarified. “Hence the joke… But in all seriousness, this changeling took everything that was previously known about changelings… and shattered all those stereotypes. He wasn’t mean, greedy or dressed up in a vampire outfit. He was just a starving changeling that wanted to find another way to feed his hive without stealing it from other ponies… and surprisingly, the ponies in the Crystal Empire, including both Cadence and Shining Armor, the same two ponies that had their wedding day crashed by Chrysalis… accepted him for who he was.”

A small sound of shock runs amongst the crowd as Discord let that information sink in. “I know… I was also surprised at this and recently, I was able to have a small chat with him about everything and there was one particular sentence that I’m going to mention here that is important. Listen to this…”

“I can understand ponies not trusting my kind, but we're just hungry, and I want to show my hive how we can love each other.”

Several ‘aww’ sounds were heard in the background along with seeing the image of Thorax when he finally was accepted into the empire. “O…… kay. When I first heard that sentence, I was really touched by what he had to say… but then the producer of the show mentioned to me the last three words of the sentence… and in my mind, it turned into an accidental innuendo. Dammit Chrysalis! Why!?”

More laughs followed suit as Discord was soon getting to his main point. “Now, despite what is commonly known about Changelings because of Chrysalis, our buddy Thorax proves to us that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover… which brings me to the second species involved in this subject… Gryphons. Or what you might know as the owner of a bank down the street whose nickname is Uncle Scrooge that enjoys swimming in a pool of bits and counting coins.” The image now changed, showing a gryphon sitting on a golden throne with bits all around him and the phrase “Hail to the King, baby!” at the bottom of it. Some more laughter was heard in the background before it began to settle down once Discord cleared his throat.

“But even with the recent Friendship Summit that was hosted in Griffonstone, most Griffons look out for themselves instead of others. Though, that is not the case with a young Griffon named Gabby that was actually quite different than what you would normally expect. But don’t take my word for it, have a look at this and you’ll see what I mean.” This was followed by several scenes where it showed the young griffon helping other ponies around town, with the last one in particular being very important when she asked the Cutie Mark Crusaders for help in one thing… Getting a Cutie Mark. Various ‘Awws’ came as Gabby hugged the CMC. “Yes, it is quite adorable, especially with the fact that she's not part eagle, but part chicken! In fact, she's with us tonight! Come on, Gabby!!!”

Gabby walked in with the loud applause from the audience. She seemed pretty shy about it, but quickly saw that no one was around. The Griffon took her seat next to Discord.

“...Where is everyone?” She asked,followed by laughter.

“In their homes, hopefully live or recorded.” Discord answered. “So how's it like back in Griffonstone?”

“Well, things have originally been… difficult. But since Princess Twilight held her Friendship Summit in Griffonstone and also after my time with Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, everything's been different… in a good way of course.” She responded, making the draconequus curious as to what else was exactly different.

“Oh? And what would that be? Every Griffon singing or enjoying their scones?”

“More like them not forcing you to pay up a clawful of bits just to ask for directions.” Gabby sighed as she looked back at him. “It used to be that most griffons would want to capitalize on any opportunity that they would use to get rich quickly… now, not so much of that… I believe it first started actually after two ponies were with some griffon named Gilda a couple of months back. Other then that, my memory is only focused on more… recent events.” The griffon explained to Discord as he listened to her.

Soon though, he had another question to ask her that was off the top of his head.

“So you believe that, in some time in the future, Griffons will adopt the various ways of ponies?”

“It’s possible… however, a lot of the older griffons are very… stubborn.” She told him, looking off screen for a moment before looking back. “My father wasn’t really so optimistic about the ways of ponies or me coming to Ponyville in the first place. But I can’t just sit around in Griffonstone waiting for my life purpose to come to me. Instead, I thought that I needed to find it on my own and the only way I can do that was by coming here.”

“And as you can see, folks at home, this isn't your stereotypical griffon with a love for gold. SHAME ON YOU ALL FOR THINKING THAT!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!” He shouted in an angry outburst as the sounds of the audience was cheering with the draconequus on what he proclaimed.

“Uhh… Thanks?” Gabby replied nervously, not sure whether Discord’s outburst was a good thing or a bad thing personally.

“And don't fall for the ponies’ influence, Gabby! They want you to be like them!”

“Weren’t you reformed by them though? Plus I thought that Draconequus were half pony.” Gabby then asked, causing the crowd to gasp a little as a certain sound effect went off in the background. Something along the lines of ‘dun dun DUN!!!’ as the camera now focused on Discord.

“Hmph! There's a difference between being reformed and submission. I admit, I did wrong things before, and I have made friends with ponies. However!!! There are things I don't agree with, such as everything on right now, and it's up to me to let everyone know what's going on and help them both open their eyes and their mind. Celestia doesn't want to admit it, but underneath her heavenly celestial look, pun intended, she's worst than me and her sister's Emo side combined. I'm a social justice warrior, and I want everyone to embrace their culture and everyone's differences, not like the white queen herself.”

“I get that… but no one’s perfect. Everyone’s surely made mistakes… even her I think.” Gabby replied. “I mean… don’t you think that the biggest mistake she thought she made was banishing her sister to the moon?”

“Her mistake wasn't taking the time to listen to her sister! And I know, I saw it as a statue. Celestia was more occupied with her cake rather than her sister listening to Early 2000’s rock. She wanted to run away and not say goodbye, and even now, she needed someone to wake her up inside.”

“Hang on… How can you see if you’re a statue? Aren’t you suppose to be frozen solid if that happened?” Realizing that, Discord soon looked towards the camera and then said something.

“We’ll be right back-.”

Gabby was gone and replaced by a crudely drawn Celestia with a quote saying “Pony Power!” While this was going on, Discord was still going over his notes and when he realized that the camera was on, he threw the cardboard cutout of Celestia to the back of the studio, where they heard a crash and the sounds of a cat meowing because of it.

“Now where was I? Ah yes,” He remembered, looking back at the camera. “You ponies must love Celestia. The way she moves the sun, very mother like, and, for us guys… those glutes.” the picture of Celestia moon appeared on the top right hand of the screen. “But after doing some research thanks to a point that was brought up by our guest Gabby… it turns out that Celestia has made a mistake at one key point that is critical for everypony these days… The education system.”

Some gasps and sounds of confusion were heard in the background as Discord cleared his throat. “Let me explain… throughout most of this episode, we’ve been talking about stereotypes and through research, I found out that most of the stereotypes in ponykind occur with education. First off, there is the stereotype that all pegasi first go to flight school for their education like with Unicorns and magic kindergarten, even though some of them are attending school in Ponyville and are learning about… dare I say it… physics.” The screen showed an Earth Pony child struggling while a pegasus and a unicorn excel. “Yes. Pegasi and unicorns get the best education, and what of the earth ponies?... Farms and hard labor.” More gasps could be heard in response to this. “Of course, there are various other jobs but come on… think about the most common places you would find them working. Apple farms, grape farms nearby wine distilleries and also rock farms. Rock farms! You can’t even eat rocks despite rock candy and there’s a freaking farm for this!!” The screen turned to Maud Pie eating a rock. “... Okay, unless you have the jaws of a machine… but I doubt anyone else eats rocks!”

Taking a moment… Discord sighed as he looked back at his papers and also looked at the camera. “Which now brings me to my main point… Like with the Crystal Empire and with some of the griffons, times are a changing… and no, I did not say changeling just for clarification. You either adapt with the times or fall behind and right now… some of us need help with this. I know that earth ponies are important to society and I get that, but one thing that I must stress is that Equestria needs to have everyone be treated equally and on the same page. Whether it’s Thorax up in the Crystal Empire or the earth pony that’s your next door neighbor. Because everyone that’s here deserves both equal opportunities to survive, thrive and make a name for themselves and achieve what they want in life, not what they are told or what the circumstances are. Because I can guarantee that one way or another… change is coming.”

When Twilight Sparkle woke up this morning, she felt as if something was really off this time. Last week, on the same day, there was a lot of ponies storming into her castle wanting jobs and chances to work for her. Something in which she never asked for and have been trying to figure out how all of this would work with her busy schedule. Now though, there was something else that didn’t feel right… and she could tell once Spike came in from checking the mail.

“Uhh… Twilight… Did you hear about what’s been happening recently?” Spike said as he closed the door behind him. “And why there’s nopony at the marketplace today?”

Twilight lifted an eyebrow at that part. “Uh… no, why is that?”

“Well, from the sounds of it, all the earth ponies that farm all the fruit and vegetables at the farms except for the Apple Family are on strike until Princess Celestia makes reforms with the education system,” That caused Twilight, who was drinking tea at the time, to spit out everything she was trying to swallow as she looked at him in shock.

“What?!”

Canterlot

“Education! Education! Make us an equal equation!” The mob outside yelled, lifting signs, along with a few griffons and, surprisingly, exposed changelings. Many of the guards stood, trying to keep the mob at bay.

“Alright! Back away from the castle!” The former captain announced.

“Why!?” A lone changeling asked “Because we'll suck the love outta you!?”

“Uh… sir-?”

“Did you just assume my gender identity!? That's racist! I'm a woman!!!” The crowd got stirred up even more as everypony outside could be heard by both of the royal sisters inside the Castle. Who were both equally just as surprised by what was happening.

“Sister,” Luna spoke. “Were you aware of Changelings living with us?”

“I'm surprised that they're letting themselves be exposed.” Celestia spoke. “Normally, they'd hide in plain sight.”

“That's racist!” A guard yelled, standing next to Thorax. They heard them uproars from outside again as Luna soon remembered something.

“Say sister… wasn’t last week the same thing when it came to the royal nobles… Do you think that… well… Discord may have unintentionally started this?”

“I don't think unintentional is his thing.” Celestia answered.

“But it is yours.” Discord spoke, soon entering the room in a flash of pink smoke. “All I did was just present the facts. I’m not an organizer or a leader of anything, but just a reporter. I report the facts and what they decide to do in response is up to them, not me. I believe it’s something you call… personal freedoms.”

“Discord… why are you doing this!? My subjects are going out of Hoof.”

“Aw, yes, but isn't that what citizens should do? Nopony should fear their government, but rather, the government fear their citizens. Because most of the laws and elected candidates that serve you are elected by… guess who… the people. And if there’s something that the people are upset about, they tell their government so it can be reformed… Besides, I’m not telling them to start a revolution… Just to see something that’s inconsistent and find a way to correct it. Besides, all they want is a better future for their children. Can’t you see that? Just look at how you favor pegasi and unicorns.”

“I don't favor anypony, Discord. They're just special.”

“So you claim Earth Ponies aren't special!?” Various gasps followed suit.

“No I meant everypony has their own special traits. Earth ponies traits are with nature and the ground we walk upon…”

“Yes, while pegasi go to Flight camp and Unicorns get magic kindergarten.” Someone else pointed out to her.

After hearing this, a defeated princess sighed amongst herself before looking back at the crowd outside and the draconequus in question. “I’ll talk it over with my advisors and see what kind of reforms that we can push out immediately!” Celestia said, glaring at Discord. “Just remember though… I’m watching you Discord…”

As she trotted off and various cheers were heard in the background, Luna soon thought of something as she looked at Discord. “So… you said that you were taking suggestions for future topics? I might have a few ideas…” Discord grinned at the sounds of that as he looked back at the Alicorn.

“I'm all ears.”

Episode 3: Princesses and Godhood

Author's Note

Discord now takes a crack at one of the most biggest urban myths to Ponykind. How Princesses are seen as ‘gods’ despite some... obvious flaws.

He regrets nothing

Thanks for being patient with this one. Hope everybody enjoys it and also the small hidden jokes that were made in this episode. Enjoy!

Episode 3: Princesses and Godhood

After having to handle a bunch of crazy incidents that just happened to throw a huge wrench into his production schedule, the draconequus known as Discord had finally gotten around to preparing for the next episode of his hit series, Last Week Tonight. This time though, the concept of the episode had to revolve around something he overheard in a conversation with Luna. How she told him that even though they are seen as very important figures in society, they could make mistakes too and that they were not as perfect as ponies may have been lead to believe.

One particular instance that happened most recently happened was a perfect example of this and ironically, it occurred between both sisters. Setting up the stage for the episode that he was going to do tonight. He even had a few surprises as well with this one as he made sure to dress in some more… proper clothes than the same suit that he happened to wear before that was exactly the same thing he wore to the Grand Galloping Gala. Now he had a dark navy blazer this time around with a sea blue dress shirt underneath and a tie to match his coat.

And with himself being fully prepared and his mind set on the show this evening, he soon began to clear his throat, had the camera begin filming and look back at the Camera. “Welcome to Last Week Tonight, the show that knows how to count to three… I’m looking at you Valve… Mr. Freeman is waiting.” Several laughs were heard in the background in response to the first comment he made, shortly before he began to speak. “Now, I want to start by saying that I’m sorry that I haven’t gotten around to being able to release many of these videos as I want to due to… recent events…” When he said that, it showed a image of him standing with everypony else, including King Thorax and the reformed changelings when they foiled Queen Chrysalis’ plan… again. “... But the subject that I want to cover tonight is going to be a real treat. Tonight, we are looking at the princesses… and yes, for you, the first thing that comes to mind when I say that may very well be Sunbutt eating cake and Moonshine stalking your dreams…”

More laughs being heard in the background were soon followed though by something he said afterwards. “I know… and to most people, a lot of ponies think that when you are an alicorn, you are instantly a god… However, they can’t be more misguided… and who to explain it better than the mare of the night herself in this clip.”

“Over the years, many ponies don’t know that even though we are princesses… we can still make mistakes and also bad decisions. We’re just as equine as they are… and I do hope many ponies understand that.”

“Well, of course it would be easy for some people to believe that… yet, it’s just as likely that the worshippers of the Church of Celestia would think that we are heathens or false prophets trying to undermine their faith.” With it, it showed a stallion in a black robe holding a book with Celestia’s cutie mark emblazoned on the front of it as they were talking in front of a group of worshippers… with torches and pitchforks. “Now… In order for the full extent of this episode to work, we’re going to need to break it down into a couple of parts. First, why ponies are seeing them as such. Second, how much has it impacted everypony across Equestria and lastly, what can we do to fix this extreme case of assuming something that turns out to be more far from the truth. Like the stallion who thinks that getting caught in a Poison Joke patch is only a ‘small’ problem. Spoiler alert, it’s not.” The screen, and set, changed to that everypony could see was a Hearth’s warming Eve special. “As you all may know, Hearth’s Warming Eve is a time of celebration, reunions, friendships, and peace next to a warm fire while it’s freezing cold outside. But, there’s one major thing missing in this classic story… WHERE WAS CELESTIA AND LUNA!?!?!?” The screen showed the princesses, but they had googly eyes and more cartoonish mouths that had a single tooth showing. “Seriously, where were they? How did they get into power? If Unicorns could move the sun and moon, then why is Celestia and Luna now doing it!? Were you ALL that lazy when they invaded your homeland!?”

A loud uproar of laughes and noise occurred in response as Discord took a moment to recompose himself. “Now… We have asked some locals out in Manehattan on how they think the sisters came into power and some of the responses we got were just… rather shocking to say the least. Just look at this.”

“How do you think the royal sisters became the rulers of Equestria?” A reporter in Manehattan asked a pony passing through the street as they passed him.

“Rock, paper, scissors?” A mare replied. Before transitioning to a stallion that was going to cross the street.

“They… I don’t know… called dibs or something?”

“Wait wait… You think that Celestia and Luna rule Equestria now… because they called dibs? Then WHO would be the other nominees!?” He asked, before a literal lightbulb formed above his head. “Oh, right… the old me…” Hearing that had a few more laughs in the background play as he then stated something surprising.

“We spent over four hours trying to get one correct answer… and when we got it, we honestly could not believe who told us the right answer.” It showed a young filly, almost grade school age with a twisty like mane and tail. “Meet Twist… and yes, that is her name. Her parents are also known as Twirl and Tap… sheesh, what’s up with these weird names? Can we just get some pony with a name that’s clearly NSFW? Anyways, they’re more or less candy makers, but Twist’s answer is just as sweet as her… well… sweets.”

The clip soon played… and with it, the filly’s response to the question. “It turns out,” she spoke with a bit of a speech impediment “There was a sign in an old language that read ‘Private Property of Faust and Family. Join us, or get out!’. And, it turned out that they were… well, species-ist against anything that wasn’t like them, so nearby Zebras were kicked out to what we now call Zebafrica.”

“... That was it. Your princesses had control because it was their mom’s prejudice against other creatures… let’s see how the Zebras react to this!”

The clip quickly showed an army of Zebras enraged, burning and destroying everything, with them holding signs that read, in Zebafrican, ‘Black and White Striped Lives Matter!’. Discord only blinked. “... I think this calls for Pepsi...” The draconequus said, letting there be a brief pause for a moment before looking back at the camera. “Now, this is not entirely Celestia and Luna’s fault. Even Luna herself had told me in an interview that there were still a lot of family secrets that they’re just finding out now. Which, brings me to the second part of this subject. How much of an impact have these family secrets have impacted society? Now, I know that the whole concept for Friendship and everything else is making things improve nowadays. Heck, I’m all for it… but let’s think of this question like Karma… as in something from the past comes back to bite you in the ass.”

More laughs were heard in the background, especially with the satisfying rhyme scheme that was heard from the draconequus. “Back in Equestria’s history, it wasn’t exactly as colorful and friendly as it is right now. Especially with… oh I don’t know, the fear of Wendigo’s breathing down your neck and also the likelihood of having yourself being an equine ice cube being at an all time high. Now, Earth Ponies, Unicorns, and Pegasi were all the meetings for the first Heart’s Warming in order to drive off the Wendigos… but it also leads to the question… where was everypony else? Where were the dragons, griffons and zebra’s? If this was suppose to be something where EVERYPONY was suppose to come together, where were they!?... Well, the answer is also simple.”

The screen showed a bird's eye view of Canterlot, with the land itself being surrounded by what looked like borders.

“Wow…… Looks like Faust was already putting a plan together for a border wall before this bigot decided to copy her idea. I call that plagiarism at it’s finest!!” Discord replied, showing an image of a pony with a gold and poofy mane, business suit and also a huge ego with putting his name on literally everything he sells. “And no, he’s not related to Filthy Rich, or his family… at least, I think so.”

Taking a deep breath, the draconequus waited for the laughs to die down first before speaking again. “Now, back in the past, there were reasons for having those borders in place. Mostly because Faust herself was concerned about invasions from the Crystal Empire in the north. But since then, times have changed… and I’m going to make a change right now.” He snapped his claw and the border went away… which was soon followed by many ponies running in, each wearing sombreros and had large mustaches. Discord scratched his eyes. “What the-!? Where did they come from!?”

Taking a moment to fix it, he decided to have the border turn from a wall to a fence with several openings… to allow for a more controlled flow of migrants as he looked back at the camera. “Well, that’s one crisis averted… hopefully… The point on this subject is that there isn’t a need to fear any particular form of invasion… especially if there were any problems, you would have the ragtag group of overpowered Friendship enforcers on your location faster than the wonderbolts… or Celestia’s decision to adopt Blueblood.”

That lead to a dramatic gasp from the crowd, which of course lead to Discord raising an eyebrow. “Oh come on, you cannot be serious… Have any of you actually asked yourself… ‘Geez, why is he a prince and the member of the royal family, yet he’s a unicorn?’ Well We actually looked into it and found that out… but honestly, I don’t even think he knows it yet because he’s still being the prince of douchey unicorns back in Canterlot.” That statement was soon followed by an image of Blueblood at a desk with a name tag saying “President of the royal douchebag association”.

This in itself had caused the entire ‘audience’ to break out in a laughing riot as Discord waited for a pause in the onslaught of noise before he could speak again. “Aside from Prince DumbBell though, all of this leads to one main question. What exactly can we do to fix this. A part of friendship from what I have learned is being inclusive. Meaning that everyone is a part of something and no one is specifically left out just because we don’t like them. Heck, Celestia and her advisors were already taking action recently with what we pointed out on Education for Earth Ponies last week and are making substantial progress on it. But there are still a lot more things that can be done on top of everything that we are doing. Because we all know deep down inside that if you bring a princess to her breaking point… this happens.”

The newest clip that played on screen showcased the incident that occurred when Starlight Glimmer had to solve a friendship problem between Celestia and Luna, along with the resulting incident that occurred afterwards when she accidently swapped their cutie marks… but the real kicker was at one point when they had seen Nightmare Moon… and what looked like a completely demonic version of Celestia as the clip stopped. “Woah… Not one to sound offensive, but right away, that already looks like a piece of hot ass…” The crowd laughed again at the joke, followed by Discord speaking some more. “Now, this here, from what sources have told me, is Daybreaker… or in other terms, the end result of a one night stand with the sun. But hey, looks who’s talking? I’m basically the result of a massive orgy between multiple species in which I don’t even know what some parts are and I have the guts to even make fun of myself on this broadcast.”

That left multiple laughs going off in the background as the Draconequus cleared his throat and looked back at the camera. “But enough with the innuendo’s and sexual jokes… the point here is that everypony, even alicorns, have limits. In order for real change, we need to be able to include everybody. Not just different kinds of ponies, but different species too. Nopony can take on everything just by themselves… so feel free to ask for help. Heck, most of you are probably still waiting a confirm or deny response from Princess Twilight for jobs that she didn’t even post up and when you stormed her castle, caused her to faint faster than if Fluttershy finds out you have a secret crush on her.”

The last part caused a bit of a blush to form on Discord’s face as he looked back at the camera nervously. “With that, that’s our show for tonight. Thank you everypony for staying with us and remember… lend a helping hoof to anyone… except Blueblood. He needs to realize being a douche is not helpful to his health first before actually being helped… Take this into account, Twilight. How you imagined the Changelings and Dragons could come off to some ponies as a tad bit… oh, I don’t know… racist.”

The Following Morning…

The Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle, woke up to the feeling of a throbbing headache inside her head as she slowly began to rise from her bed. It was only a few moments after she had originally woken up, but the sooner she was getting her senses cleared up, the sooner she could feel that something was… different.

“Twilight, are you up?” The sound of her former student, Starlight Glimmer, asked her as the alicorn was getting her senses in order. Yet, that happened almost immediately when she heard Starlight’s next sentence. “The Princesses are here-”

“I’M PANCAKE!!” Twilight shot straight up, before turning to the unicorn for a minute, “S-Sorry, I meant ‘I’m Awake’. Why, is something going on? Why would the Princesses be here?”

“From the sounds of what they told me, something has come to their attention and they want to speak with us about it. Something involving an… interview with Discord-?” Twilight was already having a bad feeling the moment she heard Starlight say that. With the recent shots that had been fired the last two times that Discord had done similar broadcasts, she had been flooded with several applications for jobs that she didn’t even put up and the farmers and earth ponies went on strike until they got a better quality education. This time, she hoped that this one wasn’t as severe.

Yet, when she soon stepped out into the main hall, where Princess Celestia and Luna were waiting, both of them looked back at Twilight and Starlight with looks of concern on their face. “Good morning, Twilight… I wish that we could be here under better circumstances.”

“Why, what’s the matter?” Twilight asked.

“Well… it appears that with this next… broadcast that he did, Discord had taken one of Luna’s suggestions a little too seriously. Frankly though, we haven’t seen it yet, so we don’t know what kind of ramifications that it may have on society yet.” Celestia replied, before noticing the rest of Twilight’s friends coming inside in order to join them. “Ah, welcome everypony.”

“Good morning to ya’ll, princess…” Applejack replied. It took a few minutes to get everypony up to speed on what was happening, though, it seemed Applejack and Pinkie Pie seemed a bit happy with what happened.

“Who knew the ways to make a genuine poem were difficult!” Pinkie spoke “I just added apostrophes in the the middle of words to sound fancy.”

“Pinkie, I’m not sure if it works like that…” Twilight sighed. “Celestia, why did you call us all together?”

“Well, I’ve been informed that Discord has done another one of his broadcasts, so I thought that since his last two had caused some… changes for ponies that we would try to see this one together and have everypony share their opinions on it at the end.”

“Uhh… are you sure on that?” Spike tried to speak up, only to hear himself be ignored in the process.

“Are ya’ll kidding me?” AJ asked. “Ah don't wanna give ALL mah respect to him, but Ah’m quite glad to hear that mah little sis has a chance to do something better with her life.” Rainbow turned to AJ.

“Wait, you like this?” She asked.

“Considerin’ how not every apple is a farmer, Ah’m alright with it.”

“Uh… Girls?”

“My word, what do you think he may be talking about this time?” Rarity then asked.

“Girls?... GIRLS!!?” Everypony turned back around to where Spike was the moment he caught their attention. “I have it ready and… the subject is about the Princesses.” That had everyone look at Celestia and Luna… while Celestia looked at her sister.

“... WHAT!?” Twilight broke the silence.

“Luna, what did you do?” Celestia then asked her.

“Why do you think I did something?”

“There’s also a note here from Discord thanking Luna for the suggestion.” Spike added to the conversation.

“I mean, he could be talking about anypony.” The door busted and Blueblood ran in, crying and falling to Celestia’s hooves.

“WHYYY!?!?!? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?!?!? EVERYTHING YOU SAID WAS A LIE!!!” Blueblood cried heavily. Which, just lead to everypony looking at him in confusion before Luna facehooved herself.

“Oh Faust…… He must’ve found out that he was adopted.” She mumbled.

“MY REPUTATION IS FOREVER RUINED!!!”

“...... Should I get out the ice cream?” Spike asked Luna in response to the Prince’s outburst. Which, her only reply was a nod of the head as Celestia tried to comfort Blueblood the best she could. All while everypony else proceeded to the nearby room in order to watch the broadcast Discord had done the other night.

Little did they know though, that with each moment that passed… from a tiny corner of the room, Discord was able to see each reaction from them from a hidden camera he disguised as a crystal on Twilight’s chandelier. And by the time everything was said and done, the only way he could describe how they were responding to it was simply one word.

“Priceless.”

Episode 4: The Dream Realm

Author's Note

Shortly after his last episode, Discord is given an opportunity that he can't pass up. What kind of shenanigans will happen this time? Tune in to find out.
-Frost

P.S. This takes place after the events of 'Discordant Harmony'. Just as a heads up.

Episode 4: The Dream Realm

Just a day or so after completing his last piece, Discord was using the chance to finally catch a break, drink some tea and find a way to clear his head of any clutter before trying to work on his next piece… of course, trying was only a simple way of putting it. After his piece on the princesses, he had not been able to think of anything to either A.) Follow up on that story; or B.) come up with something new from scratch. And both of them were just as difficult to think about as they were stressful.

It was then though… that he happened to hear a knock on his door… which was odd, because the only pony that knew of his personal domain was Fluttershy when he invited her to tea. Other then that, nopony else would know… Yet, it would be rude if he kept somepony waiting at the door. Maybe Fluttershy wanted to have a follow up visit or something? There were multiple possibilities going through Discord’s head at the time and none of them involved anypony other than Fluttershy.

So it was quite a bit of a surprise that when he opened the door, he didn’t exactly find the small yellow pegasus, but instead Princess Celestia. “Good Afternoon, Discord… I was told by Fluttershy that I could find you here.” Now, at this particular point, two particular ideas came into his head on how to deal with the situation. Option A was be in denial about it and tell her she had the wrong address while Option B was to slam the door and hide like an escaped convict who did nothing wrong.

Fortunately though, he chose Option C. “Why hello, Princess… I’m quite surprised to see you here. I wasn’t expecting any visitors actually.”

“Can I come inside?” She asked, causing Discord to internally panic. Thinking that he needed to fix up his home. Just like when he had Fluttershy over. “And before you even think about it, don’t go out of your way to tidy things up. I’m okay with you having your domain like it is.” Now he was internally letting out a sigh of relief as he opened the door and let Celestia inside.

But still, Discord had a question for the Princess… something that he was actually curious about. “So… What brings you here?”

That had Celestia smile a bit as she looked back at him. “I would like to talk a bit about your… ‘hobby’ so to speak.” Again, Discord began to internally panic. But, that was until he heard the rest of what Celestia was saying. “I’m well aware that you take suggestions for future broadcasts and that my sister, Luna, suggested the last one…”

All that did was have Discord raise his eyebrows and fold his arms. Until Celestia then said something that caught his attention. “What if I told you that there were some things about my sister that not many other ponies know these days? Some pieces of your last subject were true to the extent that there are some things that my parents kept a secret from Luna and I… but there are some secrets that my sister keeps from the public.”

“Oh?” The Draconequus asked, personally intrigued and curious by what she had to say as he got out a pencil and a small pad of paper to take notes. “Do tell.”

“Remember in your first broadcast that you mentioned how my sister created the Tantabus to make all of her dreams nightmares?” Celestia asked, to which Discord nodded as the Alicorn continued to speak. “Well, has she ever thought about actually talking out her problems instead of hurting herself each night?”

Now… Discord was liking where this was going. “I… have never really thought about that… So you want for me to do the next piece on Luna and the Realm of Dreams?”

Celestia not only just nodded her head, but also smiled a bit and added on to what she just said. “If you would like, feel free to interview me for it. There’s more to Luna than meets the eye… and I think that the sooner she accepts her mistakes and stops trying to hurt herself, the better she will be.”

Later that Evening

It was after this very… interesting afternoon that Discord now had the inspirational motivation in order for him to prepare the next broadcast. Ahead of schedule no less! Not only did he have a subject in mind that would most definitely work with where he left off on it the last few times, but he also got a once in a lifetime interview to coincide along with it. So tonight, he had another one of his good suit jackets and ties ready as he looked back at the personal camera that he had set up. Beginning a thirty second countdown before he was to go live.

In the last few seconds, there was a new animated introduction that was included in order to change up how the introduction for the episodes would be. That way, he could immediately dive into the segment he was going to success. And just as the title page was shown and it was now focused on him, the draconequus began to speak. “Dreams… basically, what you would call your personal fantasies or a playground for shenanigans waiting to happen.” With that, an image of Ponyville during the ‘Tantabus incident’ was displayed to coincide with that as some laughs were heard in the background. “Now, in the first week on the show, I had mentioned to all of you that Princess Luna formed the Tantabus, last seen here,” At that point, it showed the image of Ponyville once again before changing back to the title card. “As a way to make all of her personal dreams Nightmares… something that sounds along the lines of either an Edgelord or somepony with a low amount of self esteem… Well, it turns out that there’s a LOT more to Princess Luna than you might think.”

The scene changed for a moment to a video segment where Luna was seen with a bunch of orphaned foals and fillies that she called the ‘children of the night’ and letting the viewers listen closely to the lyrics of her song. Only for it to stop just around the ending of the second verse. “Okay look… I know that song was good… but it still ties yourself back around to pain! Not to mention that if you sing that song nowadays, you might not even understand what she is saying. I mean… If you hear that life is ‘murdering beauty and passions’, then you would honestly think of the runway models and stylists in Manehattan as more of a secret mob than just runway models and stylists.”

Laughs echoed the room as it showed Suri Polomare, one of the most well known… and controversial stylists in the industry being surrounded by others and taking on the look of gangsters in New Yoke. “Now… Back to the main subject of the evening… Princess Luna. Or more specifically, the realm in which she resides in and travels freely during the night… rather than being seen most of the time during the day. The Realm of Dreams.” In that instance, an image was portrayed of Luna looking more like a vampony rather than a normal alicorn. “No, I don’t mean that Luna is at all some form of Freddy Kruger if you are asking that.”

Another few pieces of laughter soon echoed as Discord took the chance to take a deep breath before looking back at the camera. “We all know the story around Princess Luna. Celestia’s sister who had her jealously turn her into Nightmare Moon, she got banished, returned and was turned back to normal by the Elements like… seven seasons ago now? But the thing is, other than just a few public appearances, Night Court and any incident that immediately gets on her radar like what happened in the Crystal Empire with the Crystalling, not many ponies know what Luna does. For all we know, she could be in her room right now playing video games all day and we wouldn’t know. But… there is one pony who does know… and that is her sister Celestia.”

A picture of Celestia standing idly in her throne room is shown… while also having a slice of cake as big as the throne itself. “And that’s not all… for this subject in particular… not only did she come to me in order to suggest tonight’s subject… but I was able to get the interview of a lifetime with Princess Cae Cae herself…” That had an uproar of applause and cheers in the background as Discord smiled and accepted the praise. “Not only that… but we are allowed to show you that interview, something that not a lot of journalists in Canterlot could possibly be able to do. So now… I present to you, my interview with the Sun… Princess.”

The scene of Discord’s desk had now changed over to where the interview with Princess Celestia and Discord had transpired earlier that afternoon. Even going to the point that some part of his chaotic realm that he called home now resembled part of a hallway inside Canterlot. Much to many viewer’s surprise. Now the camera’s were primarily focused on both the princess and the draconequus as they were about to begin their conversation.

“I must say, it is an honor for you to be here after the last episode, Cae Cae.” Discord spoke.

“Oh, it's no biggie,” Celestia replied, holding back all her rage. “I mean, I was quite surprised what my parents did before even noticing it just now. Now I’m planning to make a meeting with them in their castle and how it's wrong.”

“Yes, but as we have learned from before, time's changes. And sometimes, it’s out with the old ways and in with the new.” He replied, tossing a bottle that had the words ‘old ways’ on there as it shattered in the background. “Now, I recall that the last episode was actually based on a suggestion from your sister, Luna. And for all that we’ve known, it’s not often that she makes any public appearances on her own unless she’s with you. Is there any reason for that?”

Celestia herself took a few moments in order to think of the proper way to respond to his question, but after a few minutes, the alicorn had a response. “Well, most of the times, it's because of our schedules and sleep patterns; I'm an early bird and she's a night owl. So, having her awake really drags her, something I understand when holding the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“So when both of you are awake, what happens then?” Discord asked.

“Knowing you, it's going to either be some festival for another kingdom's rulers where we conspire to remove any threat to our position of power, or we’re kidnapped by some deity we defeated 1000 years agose and need Twilight with her friends to rescue us,” Celestia sighed, before looking back at Discord. “Yet, despite the fact that we have enough power to be able to move the sun and moon, what we do with it is another thing… Remember when we gave our magic to Twilight in order to face Lord Tirek before he was sent back to Tartarus?”

“How could I forget? Tirek drank my magic dry after he tricked me.” Discord responded, trying his best to not have himself dwell on past mistakes.

“Well…… It’s possible that Luna didn’t give all of her magic to Twilight,” Celestia replied, which caused the audience to gasp a bit. “When we as princesses give all of our magic to another, like Twilight for example, our cutie mark disappears from our flanks too. However, the black spot that was underneath the moon was still there. And it was just recently that I found out that the same spot was part of her cutie mark.”

“And you’re sure that Luna just didn’t miss a spot?” Discord asked, before hearing a ‘ba-dum tsh!’ sound effect in the background. “For the record, that was unintentional. My sound producer’s not the best when it comes to timing things.”

“I don’t know what my sister’s reasons would be for holding it back, but then again, it still remains unclear how much of her magic she did give,” The sun alicorn replied. “It could be possible that she only kept some to herself or had some in reserve for when she needed to raise the moon later, but I have yet to have that conversation with her.”

“Would you do something like that if you were in the same position she was in?” Discord’s question just lead to Celestia glaring deeply at him, causing him to gulp in response as he looked back at the alicorn. “Okay, never mind… So you think that Luna should’ve given all of her magic to Twilight? The end result would’ve been inevitable no matter how much magic Twilight had at her disposal.”

“That’s… a valid point…” Celestia thought to herself, before responding back to the draconequus. “Yet… My sister is still trying to adjust to modern customs. Heck, when you did your first broadcast and mentioned the Tantabus creature that she made, it just makes me wonder if she uses that to blame herself for things that were out of her control rather than just talking out her problems. If she needed a shoulder to cry on, I would be more than willing to provide that.” A set of ‘awws’ were now heard in the background as Discord made a mental note of that.

“She could always go to therapy if she wanted to talk out her problems.”

“I think the last time she tried that, it lead to her making the Tantabus in the first place…” As Celestia said that, she soon followed up that statement with another one. “The pony she was with told her to ‘face her demons’ and look where that got her… I still find her looking for ice cream to try and calm herself down.” That was followed by some small laughs in the background in response.

“So you like Cake and she likes Ice Cream?”

“Yes… Why do you ask? We already had Ice Cream Cake for my birthday a few months ago.”

“Nothing… I just thought that sometimes, since you two like different things, it would be a bit difficult for you to compromise sometimes.”

“Sometimes, but we try to work things out.” Celestia replied. Which, was a surprise in Discord’s mind as he decided to ask something else.

“Okay then… is there anything else you would like to share about your sister, Princess?” The Draconequus then asked, trying to extend their interview and not have it be too short for the viewers. “I mean… is there anything that both of you happen to do when you need to just take a break from your royal duties?” Celestia stared blankly.

“... Well… Besides my cake, I enjoy spending some time with my guards, and Luna… I've seen her play with those… video games? That's what those electronic things are called, right?”

“I believe so… Have you tried playing those games with her?” Discord asked. “I mean, there’s a clear difference between spending time with guards that serve you and spending time with family.”

“I see the guards like family, but I see what you mean. I tried, actually, and… well, I'm not really good at it, but I can't really participate in it… if you know what I mean.” she tapped her hooves together lightly.

“Is it… distorting to you?” Discord asked. “Or is it spasm inducing?”

“That’s… one way to put it I guess…” Celestia replied, looking back at the draconequus. “Was there anything else you would like to ask me?”

“Well, I may have a couple of questions, but I really don’t want to take you away from your royal duties after all.” Discord told her in response… only to get a reply from Celestia that he honestly did not expect.

At first, the princess was chuckling a bit, before looking back at Discord and explaining the reason for it. “Oh sorry, when I heard you say ‘take you away’, it reminds me of all the times Philomena would snatch up Luna in her talons and carry her everywhere around the castle. Ah… poor Luna. She never quite trusted Phimomena until puberty arrived.”

“Wait… so you’re saying that Philomena carried your sister around like she was a little animal?” Discord asked.

“For the record, at the time I received Philomena as a birthday present, I was told that phoenixes were carnivorous and they feed on small animals… though I did not expect for Luna to qualify as a ‘small animal’ at the time.” Discord in response just only thought of the possibility that anywhere Philomena flies off too, everypony should hide their kids… and their wives just as a precaution. “You would not believe the amount of brooms I went through to get Philomena away from Woona.”

“Does that mean that… Wait, did you say Woona? Is that like a name you use to mess with her?” Discord asked out of curiosity.

“Yeah, like how you use ‘Cae Cae’ to mess with me…”

“… Fair enough.” The spirit of chaos spoke up. “So, is there anything you want to close out the interview with… Like any main points or something like that?”

“Only one thing.” She turned to the camera. “I apologize for what I’ve done without thinking about it. I… I made some wrong choices, and wish to fix them. If you give me the chance, sister… we can patch this up together.”

Meanwhile

Tonight seemed rather… different than normal for Luna. There wasn’t many ponies in the realm of dreams this evening that needed help, especially with everything that had been going on as of lately. But… to Luna, she thought there was something more at work here than before. Especially when she flew down from the dreamy sky and setting herself down next to somepony that didn’t seem rather surprised in order to see her.

The pony in itself was a young unicorn mare, with a cutie mark of a silver gear and a mane and tail that were a dark leather brown while her fur was a lighter shade of the same color. “Good evening, young one… I’m only here to help.” she spoke to him.

Yet… the response she got in return was more… unexpected than anything else. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

The alicorn herself raised an eyebrow, caught off guard from the mare’s response. “Excuse me?”

“Um… No offense, princess… but you look like a background pony for an extra budget romance film. The kind that wouldn’t be exactly safe for fillys and foals.”

“... What!? I-I don't understand. Don't you have a nightmare that needs to be resolved?”

“I’m being serious…” The mare continued as she looked back at the princess. “Did you use to get called Woona? Have a fear of birds after Philomena picked you up way too many times?”

“This is getting awfully personal…”

“Do you have any other friends? Relationships outside your sister, the elements of harmony, the night guard or the characters in the video games that you play in your room?” The unicorn then asked as she looked back at the princess… who was taking her time in trying to form a response back to her.

“ … I have a pet opossum named Tiberius… W-where did you hear about this?”

“Oh dear, that poor creature…” The pony replied, before sighing a little bit. “As for your question… Have you kept tabs with your sister?” Luna was a little puzzled about the mare’s question before thinking about it to herself, which only lead to her shaking her head in response. “Well, let me rephrase that… do you remember suggesting anything to Discord?” Luna went pale. The hamster (or in this case, Opossum) in her head moved as she connected two and two together; Celestia got her revenge.

“TIA!!!" The scream was so loud, everypony woke up, unsure as to what just happened.

“Not so loud, you’ll disturb everypony else…” The unicorn told Luna before looking back at her with an apologetic look on her face. “Look uh… Princess Luna? I’m sorry about surprising you with this all of a sudden. I thought you knew about it already-.”

"NEIGH!!! CELESTIA HAS REVEALED THY SECRETS, AND WILL PAY!!!" She teleported herself out and into the real world. The Lunar princess walked to where she saw her sister, who seemed to have a pillow over her head as she pulled out a bowl of warm water. Celestia’s left hoof was dipped into the bowl. “Revenge, Wetestia.”

“Really?” A voice asked from behind her as Princess Luna looked behind her to see Discord standing there with his arms folded. “You result to childish pranks and a bad play on words to get back at your sister? I thought you would do better than that.”

Luna was caught off guard by the sudden appearance of the draconequus standing right behind her. “You!! Why are you here!? Why would you-”

“If you’re going to ask about the interview, it’s mostly because of ratings…” Discord said, before scratching his chin. “But for the record, your sister came to me… and she thought you would try to do something like this to get back at her, so she decided to stay at Princess Twilight's for the night and leave behind a doll of herself here.” It was then that Luna actually lifted up the pillow on the bed… and found that what she thought was her sister… was really a stuffed doll of her.

“... Is this part of your collection?”

“You mean my broadcasts?” The draconequus asked, holding up what looked like some kind of device in his eagle talon. “I think this explains everything…” With it, Discord turned the tablet around… and it showed all of his previous broadcasts and his newest one… which, in turn was actually getting a lot more popular than his previous ones. “Luna… Celestia wants to try and patch things up with you and if it means she had to do this to get your attention… than I believe it’s worth paying attention too.”

“... Fine… but when the next Super Smash Sisters comes out, you're going to pay for it!”

“About that… Has Celestia told you that she personally gets seizures from video games?” Discord asked her out of curiosity.

“... She does?... I thought that was just her fangirling out by how awesome they were… and her cake coming back out in the process.”

Discord looked back at her and sighed for a moment. “Yeah… we may need to help you read between the lines some more… which reminds me… Did you run into a mare in the dream realm that pointed this out to you? Because I think she just wanted to help you, but you ran off without telling her you had to go somewhere…”

“... Oh S*yay!*.” Her horn glowed and she hurled herself back to the dream world, back to the filly. “Sorry for that, kinda got in the zone. What was it that you summoned me for?”

“Well… I was going to ask if it was okay if we could be friends?” The unicorn asked. “I mean… I really don’t have any and I appreciate the night… a lot.” Luna stared and felt that her heart was rammed by a train that her subjects called ‘The Feels’... which happened in the dream, running Luna over, squishing her like a pancake onto the floor.

“... ow… of course…”

“Oh my gosh, are you okay!?” The mare asked, racing over to her and trying to help Luna up as best as she could.

“Yes… not my first rodeo… buy my first being hit by the ‘feels train’... who are you? The train knocked some memories loose.” Some codes from a videogame flew away as well as some other foals. “No!!! Infinite lives! Come back!!!”

“I’m Gizmo. Many ponies think I’m too smart for my own good and I think I should be like the others… yet, you inspire me to try and branch out from that and to believe in myself.” She replied. “And because of that… I got my cutie mark in engineering.” The mare told her, before going over to Luna and hugging her. “Thank you for being my friend.”

Unknowingly, to both of them… somepony was secretly recording this very touching moment before disappearing in a puff of pink smoke. And back in Canterlot Castle, Discord could only say one thing. “This is going to be perfect for the follow up video.”

Episode 5: The Competition

Author's Note

So... MrAquino and I were trying to think of ideas on how to proceed with this chapter and after several other ideas, we thought...... what if there was an election to determine if Celestia and Luna are seen as qualified enough in order to continue serving the ponies in Equestria.

What happens next consists of a talk on the subject, a debate with the candidates in question... and a sing along that Mr.Aquino decided to do based on this.

We regret nothing at this rate. But still... enjoy
-Frost

P.S. We blame Discord for the ending
I heard that!!

Episode 5: The Competition

Over the course of the last week, Discord’s last two stories on the princesses have been rather fun to work on, interesting to see the reaction on the faces of the ponies watching them and more recently, it’s lead to a rather interesting development on the political side of things. A few days after his last piece on the Dream Realm, a new election was announced in regards to seeing if the Princesses were worthy of keeping their positions in office… with their opponents being a range of ponies with somewhat good qualifications to the somewhat most crazy and obscene. There were eight other ponies who thought that they had the qualifications or means to fit the bill.

Tonight… he was going to see if they really did meet the criteria. After all, with the fact that he did Celestia and Luna for the last two weeks… why should they steal all the fun? He already had the topic in mind and taking the past few days to get some information on the eight other ponies. So, as the introduction for tonight’s episode began and also the camera and the film studio went live, he was already thinking about an opening statement. “Government… the one thing that keeps everything running, but nopony gives a crap about unless Prince Blue-douche does something stupid again that embarrasses the public.”

A few laughes went off in order to start the piece as Discord now began to dive into the main topic. “Now, our main story tonight is actually a rather… strange one. Over the course of the last two weeks, Ponies are now calling upon a new election campaign to see who would be a good replacement for Celestia and Luna. And no, this isn’t for one of those ‘in case of emergency’ situations… this is actually happening. Right now, Celestia and Luna are running a campaign in order to keep their positions in office and there are eight other ponies who believe they could meet those qualifications… so tonight, I’d say we put each one of those eight to the test to see if they are really cut out for the job.”

On the left corner of the screen now showed an eight piece pie wheel with a different cutie mark on each one, symbolizing the candidates as Discord looked back at the audience. “First off, we have Princess Cadence and Shining Armor… who, even though they are know for ruling the Crystal Empire, think they could be able to take care of both the Empire and Equestria at the same time… which would mean that Cadences wings would get a lot of frequent flyers miles.”

A few more laughes along with an image of Cadence in an aviation outfit really set the tone for the next part. “But if that weren’t unsettling enough… Listen to both of their campaign slogans…”

“Cadence for Canterlot… Spread the Love!”

“Shining Armor. Protection needed!”

The crowd for a moment just looked back at Discord for a moment as he was trying to get his senses in order. “Okay look… First and foremost, ‘Spread the Love’ sounds less like the slogan for a political campaign and more of a secret password used to get into an orgy hosted in the crystal empire… As for Shining Armor, hearing the words ‘Protection needed’ and with his relationship to Cadence, makes his campaign sound more like an line used on a commercial for a… different kind of protection.” More wild laughter erupted from the background as Discord looked back at the camera. “But despite how these slogans are, you also may get a look into each of the candidates policies. Cadence for example wants to spread love and tolerance across Equestria while Shining Armor’s focus is on security. Unknowingly though… the last time a leader focused on security was when King Sombra wanted to protect his empire from invaders and that turned him into a shadowy tyrant.”

More laughter was echoed throughout the studio as he then had everypony settle down. “Now, before we continue, it is interesting to note that not just one, but five of these candidates are actually from Ponyville. The one town out in the middle of nowhere that you may not hear about until you learn that a freaking princess lives there,” Discord started off, showing an image of Ponyville with Princess Twilight’s castle standing tall in the background… and nopony really paying attention to it at all. “Speaking of that princess, the student of Celestia herself is just one of those five ponies that not only live in ponyville, but also are candidates for this election. And I’m beginning to think she was a bit inspired by one of my previous topics when those who originally there at the date she was announcing this, heard her campaign motto.”

“Better education for a better tomorrow!”

A lot of the audience gasped in response to that and even Discord looked surprised himself. “Wow… if she believed that better education would provide a better tomorrow for ponies, why didn’t she have to address the very same idea to Celestia a few weeks prior so that way a mob did not have to show up on Canterlot’s doorstep?” That had the same audience begin to laugh once again in response as he looked back at the camera again. “Oddly enough though, Book butt right here, even though she says that she’s really smart, isn’t entirely smart. Just last week, she lost a friendly game of chess with another candidate as part of a charity event and you are not going to believe who beat her. Watch this.”

Twilight sat on her seat, rubbing her temples while sweating hard at a chess board. Her opponent looked calm, even if she was a grey pegasus with a blonde mane & tail and wall eyes. The princess simply moved her queen to the far left side. Her opponent simply knocked the queen down with a rook.

“Checkmate!” It was then that the camera actually got a better look at her opponent, who’s eyes were in two completely different places at that moment.

Discord’s response to it… was rather shocking. “Holy s*yay*! The same princess who was able to stand on her own four hooves against Tirek lost a chess match against the mailmare, Derpy Hooves! … Speaking of which, this is her campaign quote.”

“It's okay to make mistakes.”

“Better take notes, Ms. Sparkle. Your mistake is underestimating how she can whoop your flank at a game of chess. And for a mailmare, she's got quite the noggin to beat Celestia’s apprentice in a game of chess. But, she's not the only local from Ponyville that's running. We also got, pretty much the only real politician, Mayor Mare.” Discord said, showing a picture of Twilight Sparkle with Mayor Mare.

“According to public records, she has been in office even before the Elements of Harmony or Princess Sparkle were even born yet. And her focus for the campaign is central around trying to help everypony, no matter who they are or what they are known for. Which is a bit ominous… given the fact that when she means everypony, she literally means everypony. Including these guys…”

The screen cut to a couple of royal guards in the night, giggling and shushing each other. They entered Celestia’s room, where the princess snored away. One of them pulled some whip cream out and sprayed in on the other's hoof.

“Smack cam!” The slapper spoke before slapping Celestia across the face. She snorted loudly before her horn glowed.

“CHANGELINGS!!!” She shouted before blasting away wildly, leaving several holes in the walls, ceiling, and floor.

As the clip ended, Discord just couldn’t hold in his laughter… “I… honestly can’t believe that an elected official of her experience would do something that a filly would do as a prank for fun. It’s like if your parents think that the best way to have fun with their kids when they get older is to hide a fake spider on their bed and record their terrified reaction when they wake up in the morning. Even though your kids remember you doing it five times already… And it seems Cae Cae still isn't easy around changelings.” The screen showed Celestia wearing a pointed hat with only her eyes showing.

Which, only got a few subtle laughs before the screen changed. “Now, We have already discussed the good… but unfortunately, we need to get into both the bad and the ugly. Our last three candidates all have one thing in common besides being acknowledged for who they are. Money. You know, the one thing that everypony thinks they’re good at despite every episode of the Suzy Savings show.”

A clip from a particular show on CEBC showed a blond haired mare with light blue fur and fancy clothes then came on the air with the segment on the background being ‘Can I afford it’? “Suri, you’re on the Suzy Savings show, what do you want to buy?”

“Hi Suzy, I would like to buy a new state of the art carriage in order to go on travel to promote my new business.” She labeled out her finances and the amount of money she made, before getting the response that she did not want to hear.

“I’m sorry Suri, but you’ve been denied.” The next few callers had some rather strange responses as it even got to the point where one clip was of a young filly asking for this.

“Helly, Ms. Suzy. I would like to buy myself a complete guide to being a breezie spotter. That way, I can get myself to be a certified Breezie spotter.”

Two minutes later… “I’m sorry, Ms Apple Bloom, but you’ve been denied.”

“Yeah… because nopony needs to spend almost 45 bits in order to get a manual on how to be an breezie spotter. In fact, if you contact us right now, our staff members will send you a free breezie spotting certification so you don’t need to do that! Now go spot some breezie’s kids!” Discord declared as the whole crowd went crazy for a few moments before things began to die down. “Now, the reason why I bring this up is because from this side of the aisle, we have a prince who’s personally in denial about actually being adopted, a business stallion who wants to help bring Equestria’s economy back… and then his wife, who acts like a baby rhino who thinks that she could get everything she wants. Even her campaign slogan symbolizes that.”

“BUY ME MORE JEWELRY!!!”

“Wow…… She literally looks like somepony trying to get what they want from their husband by setting their baby on fire.” Discord’s comment left the entire audience in an uproar as he looked back at the camera. “For both the riches here, but primarily Spoiled, they have made a bunch of claims that when checked by local analysts, they found that over 70 percent of their statements were varying degrees of false. These include claims that their daughter's strange behavior was because of a group of blank flanks when Diamond Tiara was trying to be nice with her classmates, the fact that she denies insulting Candidate Derpy Hooves for her eyes, even though there was evidence reporting so and even going as far as to make claims like these.”

The next clip that played was showing a one on one interview with another reporter and Spoiled Rich making a very bold claim. One in which was to the extent of ‘I’m rich, therefore I’m not a liar’. Which… was wildly strange and also very unsettling with not just the audience, but also Discord. “Okay… ‘I’m rich, therefore I’m not a liar’ has the same internal logic as ‘I’m a baker, therefore I know Kung Fu’.” More laughter and applause went off along with the image of Pinkie Pie in a karate outfit and a white headband on while in ‘The Crane’ position and balancing a cupcake on her nose, two more on her forehooves and one final one on the back leg that she had up in the air. “There’s no cause and effect between those two, the correlation goes the other way in most cases… and if you actually do mean what you say, where is the evidence of that?” Cricket noises… “My thoughts exactly. As for Blueballs, his campaign slogan will… trigger some folks.”

“What we need is a stallion’s touch.”

Some sounds of a few grossed out patrons in the audience soon spoke up before Discord decided to respond. “... Ok, first off, is Blueblood even a stallion? Last time I checked, he was crying as he wrote in his diary.” Laughter broke as it showed Blueblood crying while writing in a pink diary.

“Secondly, if you look deeply at his history, this prince is nowhere fit for politics. He’s treated mares as living shields to protect himself in food fights, is more focused on his own personal status than helping others and we caught this piece of audio from him when somepony asked him how exactly were they going to handle a possible shortage of food for commoners.”

That was when the audio clip played. “Let them eat cake…” And that… caught a lot of ponies attention. “Woah… not only is that highly offensive to those who could even afford that, it’s shows how irresponsible he is. In fact, looking back on his history, one of his ancestors said that same phrase during the bloody prench revolution and they ended up with getting their head on a pike… which of course, sounds like an event from a series of books that involve a game with thrones other than musical chairs, but that’s beside the point.”

The last graphic shown was of several ponies with swords chasing a noble around a throne while music was echoing in the background, with the noble in particular looking like a common ancestor of Blueblood, but had a large, bushy beard.

“So… after everything we’ve seen, we can tell already that this is going to be a huge clusterf*yay* of a mess for this election. Heck, the class president elections at Ponyville’s school were actually easier than this and guess who won that?” It showed the image of a tiny unicorn standing next to her mother… Derpy Hooves. “That’s right! Derpy’s own daughter actually beat the competition by a landslide! Wonder if it's a tactic she learned by her mom?”

The screen now showed a new clip of Derpy Hooves holding a rally. Promising that if they vote for her, they would get free muffins, lemonade, no mandatory dress codes and extended class recess… which only lead to one of the kids shouting ‘This is an election for next Princess, not schoolyard president!!’.

As for Discord… well… “O… kay, maybe it’s Dinky trying to teach her mom? Still, with things already getting rather heated this early in the race, it’s wise to be careful here… but it’s ironic coming from me, who threw caution into the wind a long time ago… literally.” The next graphic that came up was of the draconequus throwing away a box labeled ‘caution’ as it got pulled into a hurricane. “But that makes me wonder… what the heck was Filthy Rich’s slogan again? I don’t think we covered it.” The image was Filthy rich, but with an orange coat and his mane & tail was yellow while also looking fake.

Which… made Discord be even more shocked. “Oh come on… That looks less like an image for a campaign slogan and more of a failed backup dancer at an adult club. ‘I’m sorry, Gold Daddy, but we have all the dancers we need tonight and you aren’t actually who you say you are. Please wash up, put on your shirt and leave the building’.” The image coinciding with that was of the same pony being asked to leave a club and was looking rather upset about it… or whatever his expression was..

“So to recap on who we have running for office other than Cae Cae and Woona running for re-election, we have a husband and wife who’s slogans have sexual innuendo’s tied into them unknowingly, a princess who’s focused on education even though all of her brainpower could not help her win at chess, the pegasus that beat the princess at chess, a mayor who see’s pranks as her way of having fun, two rich ponies that contradict everything they say and a sexist douche of an adopted prince…… That’s a lot to take in.” He said, looking back at the camera as he took in a deep breath and prepared himself for what he was going to say next.

“But in terms of experience, other than Mayor Mare, Celestia, Luna and Cadence… none of these other candidates have any real political experience. Sure, Princess Bookbutt has been to Friendship summit and met with delegates from other cities… but has she actually passed any laws or participated in Day Court?” Silence… followed by a few chirps from a nearby bird as Discord spoke up. “I think that part pretty much answers itself. The same could be said for some of the other candidates too. Derpy Hooves herself only knows a little bit of knowledge on the subject, but has been doing a HELL of a lot better than some of the runner ups. I mean, look at the popularity ratings on her compared to some of Ponyville's other candidates.”

There was now a clip of a list of the popularity ratings amongst the ponies who were in Ponyville. Compared to some of the other candidates, Twilight Sparkle was actually in second place with 44 percent of the vote, Mayor Mare with 32 percent, Filthy Rich was at 18 percent… while Spoiled Rich only had 1 percent of the vote. The first place runner… Derpy Hooves. 49.99 Percent of the vote. “Holy crap!! Even I could not have believed something like this would happen. It’s like an underdog hoofball team beat a three time national championship team in a shutout! But unlike other candidates… who aren’t minding the popularity polls… the mare who’s dead last has something else to say.”

“How many of those votes were legal, hunh!? I want a recount of the votes! There’s fraud in this system! FRAUD!!”

The crowd chuckled a bit, just as the clip ended and Discord was back to his normal self. “Wow… and just when I thought that lying about telling the truth because she was rich was one thing… But the ponies at the polls did a recount and guess what? Nothing changed!!” A lot of the audience gasped in response before Discord continued speaking. “She can’t admit that she wasn’t telling the truth, even if the evidence is right there. Like if a colt or filly said they didn’t steal anything from the cookie jar, only to see the crumbs all over their face and on the floor!” The corresponding image of the example that Discord explained had the whole audience in a riot.

“Now… this is important because coming soon, we will be deciding how do we go from here… and if we choose wrongly… we’re most definitely going to be screwed for the longest of time.” He pointed out, before then speaking up. “So I would like to make a suggestion before we all go to the polls. We should host an event where we can all be able to ask questions to the candidates that we feel are of utmost importance and allow for them to respond on the issue. Now, something like this would require a LOT of preparation, but I believe that to make things fair, we should have a panel for those who would be asking the questions from the audience. And you may think… ‘Well, Discord. Who would be the most qualified and honest for a debate like this?’” With that, a new image of three silhouettes soon appeared as the crowd got excited. “And to this, I say that I already have a few ponies, and other creatures, in mind. Those who can determine fact from fiction… Those who can sense real love in the statements some ponies say… and those who aren’t afraid to say it like it is. So stay tuned… because this is going to be awesome.”

Three days later…

In a crowded Canterlot town hall, everypony that was inside was gathering for the Princess Representative Election Panel, or what some ponies called a ‘PREP’ event. It was a gathering of all the electoral candidates for the upcoming election and letting them answer questions that the voters may have while also allowing those same voters to decide who they would want to vote for during the election. From the left side of the stage to the right was Princess Celestia, her sister Luna, Princess Cadence, Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Derpy Hooves, Mayor Mare, Filthy Rich, Spoiled Rich and lastly, Prince Blueblood (who was questioning why he was on the opposite side of the stage and away from that of Celestia and the others).

All the candidates though, were rather caught off guard when they looked over to the panel moderator’s table in the middle of the room and saw three individuals sitting down. Each one of them was somepony that they either heard of before or knew to a certain extent. While also seeing Discord not that far off in a suit and tie.

“Discord, why did you have to go out of your way to choose a very specific selection of ponies to be running this debate?” Celestia then asked, curious to know his reasons for the draconequus’ choice in moderators.

“Well, everypony in the audience, and also equestria for that matter, would like to hear from the candidates, but also want to hear the truth…” The draconequus spoke up, looking back at the candidates before going to the first of three moderators. “First, we have the Element of Honesty, Applejack. Second, the King of the Changelings, Thorax. And lastly, we have Gabby, the griffon who isn’t afraid to dream or say what comes to her mind.”

The audience clapped their hooves, claws and paws together in response to seeing the judges as they were given a warm welcome. All the while Spoiled Rich herself rolled her eyes in response to what was going on.

“I sense disgust coming from her.” Thorax spoke, pointing at Spoiled Rich.

“Ooh! Conflicting emotions and we haven’t even begun asking questions yet! This is so exciting!!” Discord spoke up. “And with that… I will leave this in the care of the moderators… Begin asking questions whenever you are ready.”

“Why thank you,” Applejack replied back to Discord, before focusing on the candidates in question and also the note cards containing some of the questions that needed to be asked. “Now… to begin with the questions, we all know how Equestria is going through some recent changes. Some being rather small, while others… not so much. If you were chosen to lead, what would you do to make Equestria a better place for everypony that lives here.”

“Oh, that's easy,” Twilight began with a wave of her hoof. “Seeing that your little sister is enrolled into some new programs, I want everypony to have the best education WITHOUT the high prices most schools demand.

“So you want to make it cheaper for ponies to go to school?” Gabby then asked. “Have you thought of how you would want to do that?”

“Uh… n-not really. I haven't really done any… princess-y thing… yet.”

“We’re not judging ya, Twi. You’re still new to these things,” AJ then said before turning her head for a moment. “Thorax, do you have anything you would like to add?”

“Will it include other races? Some of my subjects want to learn more about Equestria without having to sneak around to do so.”

“Oh, well of course, Thorax!” Twilight replied “Perhaps you can also share your kind’s history?”

“For another time, yes,” The changeling spoke up. “For now though, I think we should hear from some of the other candidates.”

“Quite adorable of you, Twilight,” Derpy spoke with some sass in her tone. “But is cheaper education going to work when I, a ‘simple minded’ mailmare can beat you in numerous games of chess in a row?”

That… lead to a surprised moment to where Twilight was personally embarrassed by it for a second before looking back at her. “Do you mean in terms of learning subjects such as math, equish, science, and history like what most fillies and colts are learning in schools?”

“If I may interject for just a moment,” Gabby then spoke up. “I believe we are going a little off topic on the subject. So… Miss Derpy… what do you think is important to making Equestria a better place?”

“Advance our education and take risks that Celestia and Luna weren't able to do. Too long are we reliant on them to move the sun and moon, becoming gods to us ‘peons’, but I have something that they will fear.” She pulled out some blueprints, showing a large machine. “With this device, I will make sure our planet goes back to it's original orbit and circle around the sun, with the moon, circling ours, as it should be-”

“Hold on there, just a moment partner…” Applejack spoke up. “You believe in advancing education, but not making it affordable for those ponies to take part in it? What if some of the ponies who would be able to build that machine of yours don’t exactly know how because they couldn’t afford the advance education required to understand that.”

“My fellow proctor brings up a valid point.” Thorax added.

“I believe in freedom for all by my advanced machine that will free us from our false gods.” Derpy replied sternly

“O…… kay… So are you trying to say Discord is a false god?”

“I’m RIGHT here!!” The draconequus shouted from the back of the room.

“He’s the necessary evil we need, both for common sense, and to power my device-.” However, just as she was saying that, the pegasus happened to noticed somepony serving snacks to the members in the audience… only to be leaving with a muffin that was still intact. “MINE!!!”

Instantly, the pegasus bolted after the stallion, which soon lead to her chasing the panicking pony all around Canterlot. And to Gabby speaking up. “O…… kay, perhaps we should let some of the other candidates speak. Princess Cadence, would you like to answer the question on how you believe you would make Equestria a better place?”

“Well, I believe that love and tolerance of those from all across equestria can help mend relationships diplomatically and also keep the peace. It’s worked for my husband and I, along with all the ponies in the Crystal Empire and I believe the same philosophy can work elsewhere.”

“I can agree with that.” Thorax added on the side. “Shining, do you have anything to add onto this?”

“Well, I believe in what Cadence says completely. But I also believe that it’s important to keep Equestria’s citizens safe from anything that might cause it harm. Whether it’s something breaking out of Tartarus or invaders from a foreign land.” The Unicorn added on proudly.

“Hunh… Funny ya mentioned that, because ah heard that when Tirek attacked Canterlot several years ago, the royal guard and you as well didn’t stand up so well,” Applejack chuckled for a moment, causing Shining to drop his head down in embarrassment. “Also, on that note… there’s a question that ah would like to ask both you and your wife if she doesn’t mind.”

“Of course not.” Cadence replied. “What’s your question?”

“Well, according to some sources,… there has been a bit of controversy around your campaign… more specifically, the slogans that both of you chose for them,” Applejack replied, pulling out a piece of paper that contained a list. “There have been claims that the slogans for your campaigns have been deemed as ‘inappropriate’, ‘immature’ and ‘sexually provocative’ … do you have any response to that?”

“How so?” They both asked in unison.

“Well… listen to this statement that brought out the concerns in the first place,” Applejack stated, hitting what looked like a ‘PLAY’ button on an audio recording that soon had a clip on there… which was actually something from her sister earlier that week.

“Applejack, what does ‘Spread the love’ mean? Is it something that involves where foals come from? Because Granny keeps on telling me that she’ll tell me when ah’m older and so does Big Mac.”

“Apple Bloom, where did ya hear something like that?”

“Ms. Cheerilee and everypony in class were talking about the election for Princess coming up and also discussing some of the slogans. Including Shining Armor’s slogan, Protection Needed! But when ah asked Big Mac about what did it really mean, he just told me the same response Granny did.”

That, caused a blush to appear on Cadence’s face that was extremely bright red and also caused Shining Armor’s eyes to widen a little in response to the recording. She couldn’t even formulate a proper response to that and just said two words. “Oh… my…”

“Uh… start somewhere… I guess?” Shining added with an awkward smile, which lead to Cadence bumping him with a hoof and Twilight facehoofing herself.

“He approves porn!” Blueblood shouted. “Vote for me and I won't let a dirty minded guard run this country!”

“What Shining said and what your claims state aren’t the same,” Thorax point out, glaring at him now. “You only speak ill of others to superior to them. But are you really?”

“My apologies for him… He’s adopted.” Cadence stated, which, only lead to a loud gasp from the rest of the audience… and for one pony in the background to shout the following.

“RUMOR CONFIRMED!!!” That didn’t help any for Blueblood’s self esteem as he just closed his eyes, drooped his head down and decided not to speak. Shortly before Gabby started slamming a gavel on the table.

“Order. Order in the panel!” Shortly after that, the audience went silent as the griffon put the small tiny hammer away. “Okay, now that we have calmed ourselves down, I believe we should ask some of the other candidates. I would think that Mayor Mare would be a good start.”

“Ah second that notion,” Applejack then agreed with the Griffon.

“If I were to become princess,” Mayor Mare began “I would work tirelessly to provide more jobs for better competition, and productivity, in lower class regions as Detrot.” A few other ponies in the crowd murmured amongst themselves, liking the idea and giving it some positive thought.

“What about equal opportunities for low income families? Do you also believe in that too?” Gabby then asked. “A lot of families back in my home country of Griffonstone don’t exactly get the same kinds of opportunities you would find here in Equestria because of competition amongst the working class.”

“Why I absolutely believe in that. Everypony should have the same and equal opportunities in anything, whether it’s jobs or education, and not be singled out because of who they are or what they can do.” Mayor Mare replied, which got a LOT of positive praise from some of the attendee’s in the audience as they were cheering in support.

“She means true to her words.” Thorax then added.

“Oh PUH-lease!” Spoiled Rich began “As much as you want that to happen, you don't know a single thing about business like my husband and I know. We can easily do that while showing great love to our country and it's citizens.”

“I feel no love from her.” Thorax mentioned.

“Uh… It's probably the stress from my wife,” Filthy Rich spoke. “What, with the preparations and whatnot.”

“Well, preparations are one thing, but following through is another,” Gabby then said. “Say, I have a question for the Riches as well as Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, if you don’t mind me asking it.”

“Why not at all dear.” Cadence replied. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well, I was just a bit surprised to hear that all of you are running your own separate campaigns, even though you’re married to each other. I mean, I honestly would think that two heads are better than one, especially when it comes to the standpoint of managing your campaign.” The griffon added.

“Well, I would think that we have agreements on a lot of things, but have different thoughts on when it comes to what the campaign should primarily focus on. Hence, why certain aspects of the campaign are different, like the slogans and advertising.” Filthy Rich explained as he looked at the panel moderators. “From a business standpoint, you need to use something unique in order to get everypony’s attention on something they could agree with. Yet, it can also backfire if things don’t go well. Kind of a risk/reward scenario.”

All Applejack did was raise an eyebrow at that as she looked at Gabby and Thorax. “Uh… Ah apologize for interrupting ya, Mr. Rich, but could you clarify on what you mean by your last statement.” However, Filthy Rich was a little bit… troubled with trying to find a way to be discreet about what he meant.

But before he could say anything, Shining then spoke up. “I think what Mr. Rich is referring to is some of the statements that Ms. Rich made when she was being interviewed and at some public events…” That was when he had an idea and turned to the draconequus that was sitting not that far from the moderator’s table. “Say, didn’t you reflect on something like this earlier in the week Discord?”

“Why I believe I did…” He mentioned, looking back at him. “In fact, I have this.” From his paw, he had a new cassette tape to place into the tape player that Applejack was using earlier in order to play some of the audio on it. Including his comments on this statement.

“I’m Rich, I’m not a liar… I love everypony…”

“Okay… ‘I’m rich, therefore I’m not a liar’ has the same internal logic as ‘I’m a baker, therefore I know Kung Fu’. There’s no cause and effect between those two, the correlation goes the other way in most cases… and if you actually do mean what you say, where is the evidence of that?” Again, this was followed by some crickets and Discord saying ‘my thoughts exactly’.

That… was also added on by another statement from Thorax. “I still feel no love from her… and that was from some time ago.” Spoiled Rich glared at him. “Now I feel plenty of anger and hatred.”

“Uhm… Discord,” Applejack asked, looking back at the draconequus and whispering to him. “Why did you have Thorax be a moderator?”

“To see if their emotions are in sync with their statements. They may tell the truth with their words, but if Thorax feels different emotions, it’ll be something that would not fit with that candidate. It’s a way to further verify if they’re truthful.” Applejack thought it over inside her head for a minute, before nodding and turning back to the group.

“Perhaps we should now direct a question to the two ponies who we haven’t asked any questions to so far,” Gabby now spoke up. “Celestia, Luna, what are your thoughts on how Equestria should move forward?”

Luna began to sweat a bit, unsure as what to say next.

“Sister,” she began. “What do we say? Our competitors are whooping out flanks here!”

“Relax, sister,” Celestia replied. “If there’s one thing we do know, it’s that our subjects love a good musical number.”

“... You don’t suppose-?”

“I do. And I apologize for what I’m about to say.”

“Same here.”

“So, what about ya’ll, yer highnesses?” Applejack asked. Celestia cleared her throat and conjured up a map of Equestria, right before quickly drawing a doodle of Luna with stink lines and written above her ‘Stoopid’;

This kingdom’s your land, this kingdom’s my land
I'm a fearsome tiger, you’re a pacifist weiner
I'm a great crusader, you’re a nighttime monster
This land will surely vote for me

Luna scoffed and cleared her throat, taking the stage.

This kingdom’s your land, this kingdom’s my land
I'm an intellectual, you're a stupid dumbass
I'm a child heart winner, and yes it's true, I won it twice.
This land will surely vote for me

You have more waffles than a house of pancakes
You offer flip flops, I offer tax breaks
You're a cowardly pussy, and yes it's true that I kick ass
This land will surely vote for me

You can't say Solar Flare, that really scares me
Sometimes a brain can... Come in quite handy
But it's not gonna help you, because I won the children’s hearts
This land will surely vote for me

You're the biggest sissy
You're a right wing nut job
You're a blue coat comey
You’re as dumb as a doorknob
Hey! You got that Botox
But I still won the children’s hearts

This land will surely vote for me

“This land was my land.” A random Buffalo spoke

“But now it's our land!” All the ponies on stage spoke

“From Canterlot.” Blueblood spoke

“To the Local towns.” Filthy Rich spoke before being slapped by his wife. “What'd I do??”

From the pacifist weiners
To the right wing nut jobs
This kingdom belongs
This kingdom belongs

This kingdom belongs to you and me!

“Oh, and non-equines too!” Celestia added. Just before everypony gave her a deep round of applause and they began to wrap up the town hall.

“HEY! Why don’t I get the chance to say anything!?” Blueblood complained.

“You already said enough!!!” Several ponies in the crowd that was leaving shouted at him in response.

“Well… that was something…” Discord said as the chaos that was the panel for Election soon wrapped up. He was right now walking with Thorax, Gabby and Applejack as they were going to the center of town. “I honestly never expected Lulu and Cae Cae in order to go full on musical at the end.”

“Neither did I.” Applejack replied, looking back at the Draconequus. “Celestia sounded a bit like me during that song… if she doesn't win, I can consider her workin’ at the farm.”

“And I’m sure many of the younger griffins would love Luna to be around.” Gabby added

“And my Changelings.” Thorax finished.

“What about Celestia?” Discord asked out of curiosity.

“Well, I’m still new to the running a kingdom, so I can have her as a mentor.”

“And I heard Gilda needs some help with her bakery.” Gabby chirped. “Celestia can help with the baking.”

“I think she would be the one doing more of the eating than the actual baking… unless you’re hiring her as a taste tester,” The Draconequus chuckled. “Still, what were your thoughts on some of the other candidates. You guys did well with asking them the questions, so what do you think about them?”

“Ah think we all agree that neither Blueblood or Spoiled Rich are any good, right?” Applejack asked. To which, Discord nodded his head in agreement

“Definitely.” The two others added.

“What about Princess Cadence, Shining Armor and Twilight?” Discord asked. “They seemed… okay until you asked them about the slogans and Blueblood blurted out a few moments later.”

“Twilight’s heart seems to be in the right place, but she certainly didn’t know how to make it work,” Thorax answered. “... And I think she still looks down at my kind.”

“Though similar to Filthy Rich & Spoiled Rich, it seemed both Cadance and Shining Armor were running at the same time, not minding who would lose, just that either of them won.” Gabby added. “But, at least they weren’t as rude as some of the others.”

“True… Hey, if it comes down to the possibility that some of the candidates would have a running mate with them, do you think Shining Armor would be Cadences depending on how things go?” Discord asked, the idea fresh in his mind even though some of the others were a bit confused. “Like if you were electing for class president or something, you would have a vice president to help run and organize events.”

“I can see that already with Celestia and Luna.” Thorax replied.

“Yeah, but that just leaves Mayor Mare, Twilight, Blueblood, and Derpy as the solo ones… unless ya’ll think they should draw from a hat to see who’s going to be who’s partner.” Applejack spoke.

“They could bring on somebody else,” Gabby added. “Doesn’t Twilight have that one person… Spike, I think Apple Bloom said, that lives with her? Mayor Mare could work with Derpy, and Blueblood…… I rather not think about who he would want to work with.”

“This mirror?” Discord jokingly suggested, holding a small, personal sized mirror.

“Pfft… That would be only if he actually makes it.” Applejack replied, now realizing something. “So… when are the results for the election suppose to come in. Everypony goes to the polls tomorrow so how long would it take to process the vote count?”

“I guess about a week?” Gabby thought. “Unless…”

Derpy flicked the switch to her latest machine.

“This device will be able to count all the votes rapidly and put them in their own piles. And, as fairness, you can check it for yourself, as I didn’t rig it to my favor… because I know I’ve already won.” She had a smug like smile as everypony submitted their own vote.

“You say that now…” Discord sighed, rolling his eyes inside his head before seeing Derpy chase off after another muffin mare.

“MY PRECIOUS!!!”

“WHY DO I DO THIS!?!?!?” The Muffin Mare screamed. Both Celestia and Luna stood on the sidelines, both of them sweating a bit anxiously.

“What do we do when we fail, sister?” Luna asked. “I can’t be the princess of the night if I can’t watch over my subjects!”

“I… We’ll need to find jobs, sister.” Celestia replied, pulling out an application to the apple farm. “Hopefully, my country-isms haven’t worn out since my time in the castle.”

“Celestia, I don’t think that’s actually a thing nowadays.”

“Says you! I’m at least planning ahead for a job instead of freaking out over the loss of princesshood.” Celestia replied.

“There could be the possibility that we may actually win, but right now, I’m unsure if that’s likely.” Luna sighed, just as she noticed onepony going up in order to whisper something to Discord for a moment. Before nodding his head for a moment and beginning to patiently wait. It took a few hours before the voting process was complete, but afterwards, the results were handed to Discord as he cleared up his throat.

“Okay… Before we begin telling you the results, I must inform you about something.” Discord replied, which soon had everypony’s attention. “It has been brought to my attention that one of the candidates earlier last evening was caught by the royal guard trying to bribe election officials to tamper the voting process… Therefore, one of our candidates has been disqualified.”

A lot of ponies gasped and the two royal sisters exchanged glances at one another. All the while Spoiled Rich looked rather… confident. Even though what was said next soon threw everyone off guard. “Spoiled Rich, you have been disqualified. Guards, please escort her out of the room-”

“THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!” Spoiled Rich screamed while the guards were pulling her out of the room. All while she was kicking and screaming some more. “I was the one who was suppose to win!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!!” Not before long though, she was out of the room as Discord soon cleared his throat.

“Anyways… We all know how the electoral process works. We have it broken down between the Popular Vote… and the Actual Vote. Now, we’ll start by reading the results of the popular vote with our top three.” The draconequus spoke up. “In third place, we had Princess Celestia with 15 percent of the popular vote, Mayor Mare with 23 percent of the vote in second place… and lastly in first place, we have…… Ms Derpy Hooves with 35 Percent.”

That lead to the same pegasus mare running back over… thinking that she won the whole thing. “I won? …… I WON!! TAKE THAT YOU FALSE IMMORTAL ALICORN GODS-”

“Ms. Hooves,” Discord spoke up. “That was the results of the popular vote, not the actual vote. We have yet to go over those results.” That had gotten the pegasi’s hopes up too soon… until she saw another muffin for her to chase as she left a few moments later.

“Okay… Now for the actual vote…” The draconequus spoke up as he looked back at the results sheet… before blinking several times and even going as far as double checking with one of the officials of the whole election on the results before actually speaking. “The winners of this years Princess Representative Election are…”

Episode 6: The Results

Author's Note

And now the results. Heads up though, we got a few uncensored and uncalled for shots fired this time around.

Enjoy!
-Frost

Episode 6: The Results

After all the crazy political events and drama that was centered around the recent election, Discord was finally able to get the chance to make a follow up broadcast to his last one, which would go over the results of it, what happened that made the outcome so different from what everypony thought it would be… and where do we go from here. It was a lot to take in and it was time to kick things off with a bang… and a twist. And he knew just exactly how to do it as he straightened up his suit and tie.

“The Royal election… or as most ponies would say nowadays ‘I thought I wanted it to be over, but now that it is over, it turns out that the ending is even more worse than I thought!’ … Which, sounds like the perfect simplified review of a documentary on Prince Blueblood if that were ever to happen,” He started off as the crowd burst into the first set of laughter that definitely fit how things were going. “Now, as we know, the royal elections and with it, come this upset victory…”

“The winners of this years Princess Representative Election are…… by one vote over their competition… Princess Celestia and Luna! Congratulations!” That was followed by bursts of confetti as both sisters were seen hugging one another out of pure shock and excitement.

It was there that Discord paused the clip and then looked back at the crowd. “Yes… Princess Celestia and Luna, despite overwhelming odds against them, still came out on top… and inadvertently, that celebration hug right there is an example of what all the shippers out in the world called ‘princest’,” More laughter roared throughout the room as a new graphic of that same celebration image was made to look like they were kissing and that hearts were all around them. “But if we take a look back real quickly, we see that both of them had a LOT of competition and most of the competitions true colors were shown during the debate that we held several days before all of this. In fact, we interviewed some of the ponies who were at the debate and also pulled some results and we found out that some candidates approval ratings took a dramatic hit during this.”

This lead to everyone in the crowd sounding confused for a moment as Discord looked back at the group. “According to the Manehattan times, some candidates, who looked favorable… took a dramatic hit on their approval ratings. Remember Derpy Hooves, the mare who won the popular vote? Well, shortly after calling out Celestia, Luna and other Alicorn’s as ‘false gods’ and chasing out a muffin mare like a cat when you have them chase a laser pointer,” More laughs ensued in response as the draconequus picked up where he left off. “Her approval rating dropped from eighty two percent… all the way down to forty nine percent! That’s a complete forty percent drop! Which, oddly enough, forty percent is same percentage of complaints made to the Pegasus Postal Service about losing their packages in the mail.”

That was followed by a graphic of Derpy Hooves flying around normally, while leaving behind different packages on almost every cloud she passed. “Now, we talked with several of the ponies that were there at the panel and this is what they had to say when we asked what were their thoughts on her.”

“Just… straight out… I can’t even describe why, but she scared my own kids!” One stallion with two fillies spoke up first.

“I originally thought that her motto would represent her behavior and actions, but they didn’t at all. I would be concerned in wanting to raise my kids if she becomes a princess.” A mare with a young colt next to her replied.

“I like Derpy as a friend, but I’m not entirely sure if I can vote for her on this one.” A dark brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark, a scarf wrapped around it’s neck and a slick back tail and mane replied. “I mean… I even asked if I could help her with her campaign planning and yet, she thought she could handle it herself.”

Once again, Discord paused it at that last one before looking back at the crowd. “That last stallion is right… We all know that Derpy can be a good friend for anypony, but a lot of the times, she goes in over her head. In fact, that stallion’s comment actually coincides with another thing I was going to touch on now. Since Celestia and Luna are still Princesses, what exactly can they do in order to improve the conditions of society as it stands because whatever is thrown the self made suggestion box I installed goes right directly to her fireplace through the chimney.” That had the crowd begin to laugh even more as it showed the graphic of the ‘suggestion box’ and when you open it up, flames were coming out of it.

That gave Discord the chance to drink some water before continuing. “Well, shortly after heading back into Canterlot Castle, both Princesses began to make some rather big reforms. Including making it easier for elected officials of cities and towns to contact and address major concerns that they have so they could help them. They’re talking with Thorax and other leaders of different kingdoms to see if they could help with anything to improve the Royal Guard and so on.” He explained, before adding something else. “And it’s good to see that they are working with that of other leaders and talking with other ponies to get things done… but there is a LOT of stuff on their ‘To Do list’. There’s handling immigration, dealing with the border issue even though we thought we already handled that and numerous other tasks. Which means they need to hire some ponies to help them with tackling them and also to get the right message across. So, they happened to find a pony that could serve as a good pony to communicate with the public… or so they thought.”

It lead to a clip that showed that the Princesses hired somepony who used to be a critic of the Princesses, but said that he was listening to them… Which sounded nice at first, but that was soon followed by a secondary clip that showed that the same pony went on an immensely vulgar tirade in an interview that lead to him getting fired before his actual start date. “Yes… this mistake was a bit of a small setback involving Mr. Mooch, the pony you just saw in that clip… and whose last name sounds like a buffalo STD.” That got the crowd laughing even more as Discord straightened himself up and looked back at the camera. “Originally, he was brought on in order to give insight into what certain political opponents would think of the Princesses and how to improve it. However, it came out the complete opposite when he took out his frustration on members of the royal family in Canterlot. Leaving news anchors in a rather… tricky position because they had to censor most of it. Including this moment here…”

“-Another part of the interview here gets really graphic here. I’m not Prince Blueblood, I’m not trying to [Blank] my own [blank]-”

That caused Discord to raise a finger on his paw for a moment as he looked back at the camera. What he said next got the entire room roaring in laughter. “Suck my own cock… That’s what he said… for the record… to a reporter, there’s just no way of being discreet about this anymore.” That had the room erupt in laughter for almost an entire minute as the draconequus redirected his attention away from that and back to the Princesses. “And yet, I’m glad that the princesses are working on trying to fix the problems that may come up, but somehow, trying to solve one problem causes another one. Like leaks dripping from the ceiling. If you try making sure one is closed up, another one that’s even bigger just happens to show up later.” That was followed by showing a graphic of himself, Fluttershy and a couple of the animals at Fluttershy’s cottage holding buckets as more drips of water keep falling down from the ceiling.

“But it’s also to note that despite the heavy list of good things that the princess has been doing, there also a couple of not so good things,” He pointed out, which caught the audience’s attention. “First, there was something that occurred earlier in the week that even caught me by surprise. And that was to try and ban programs, like this one, from either airing or being seen. Now of course, her reasoning behind it was because she believed that children should not be influenced by particular shows that are for adults, but it’s a move like that drew out harsh criticism. In fact, earlier this week, there was another crowd of ponies, demanding that this move is an attack on their rights. The ban was later removed shortly afterwards, but it had only been up ONE night and yet… it didn’t really do much to resolve the problem that it was trying to fix.”

The crowd was rather surprised to hear that, just before Discord used this comment. “It’s like trying to use a mousetrap to try and protect your home from spiders… or if you are trying to use sunscreen to protect yourself from head lice. You may have the right protection, but you’re using it for the wrong reason.” That had the crowd laughing some more as Discord had the chance to look back at the camera and speak.

“But if you think that one mistake is something… you may want to check out this story.”

“-Controversy around Canterlot is surging once again after the princesses pick for the royal treasury, Big Bucks,boldly accuses several ponies of currency inflation-”

“-The princesses pick for the royal treasury has accused several former members of the Canterlot Government and also friends of the princesses for stealing from the people and inflation. Going as far as saying the reason why the chaos spirit, Discord, funds his studio is because he always pickpockets a bit from his viewers without them realizing it-”

That had the crowd gasp for a moment as Discord put his hands up for a moment. “Woah woah woah, there. Everypony, calm down… for one thing, he’s describing this like doing these broadcasts is actually a job I’m paid for. For the record, this whole thing is just a hobby that I love to do!! And also, why would I want to steal bits from other ponies when I can just make it rain bits right now?” With a snap of his paw, he began to prove his point by causing the entire set to be raining bits as he looked back at the camera. “Make it RAIN!!!”

After a few short moments and a whole bunch of laughing and cheering from his audience, he then decided to snap his fingers to clear up his mess and continue on with what he was originally saying. “Now, I know what you may be thinking… bold claims and false truths are clearly not a fresh observation when it comes to Government. Some ponies on one side of the room right now would be like… ‘Wow, hot take there Dissy. Next, you’re going to say that Prince Blueblood is a prick, some of the nobles are racist and Princess Cadence gained her title of Princess of Love from the amount of times she’s slept with somepony,’. The Graphic on the screen now was what appeared to be a tally list of the ‘times I slept with somepony’ and having it be more than one. “While on the other side of the aisle, some ponies will think, ‘Oh brilliant, here comes another flurry of snowflakes from Last Cuck Tonight with Dissy trigger warning’... The point that I’m trying to get across is that even though things are… almost back to the way things were before, there have been a couple of early slip ups that have made this whole process a rather bumpy road for Celestia and Luna. And this government can’t fully be able to function and serve for the people unless it actually listens to the people. And no, I don’t mean the rich people or the very successful people who brag about it like every five seconds. I’m talking about the people who you pass by everyday on the street and who voted for this outcome. We can’t truly be able to help one another until we stop shouting at one another… and when we do, that’s when our voices can be heard. We should help them by doing our part… so that way we don’t have another Mooch speak for us.”

Many individuals cheered in the background for a few moments, shortly before Discord coughed and cleared his throat. “Now… one of the things that also caught my attention with this week is the appointment of a new Captain of the Royal Guard in order to take over the place of Shining Armor while he’s in the crystal empire doing whatever activities that happen at private social events. Now, with what was recently discussed during one of our own broadcasts and the fact that having the nobles lead the guard is a bad decision, Princess Luna decided to have the captain of the Royal Guard be a earth pony named Scorched Ash and let’s just say… she’s rather serious with her job.”

“I’m the one leading this vanguard, so if any of you ****ers have anything to say, NOW’S THE TIME!!!”

That… threw the crowd off guard to the point to where even Discord looked like he was scared by that. “Dear chaos, that mare is not only intimidating, but also completely scary!! I would not want to be thrown into a fight where I can’t use magic against her because with how fierce she is, that mare can tear my f*yay*ing limbs off! Followed by using those same limbs as a club and beating me to the point where I might be in the ER for the next few days…” That was followed by an image of what looked like Discord in a full body cast while a severed arm was next to his bedside with a gift label that read ‘To: Discord, From: Ash’.

“Now… This move in order to try to reform the guard and whip them up to shape is actually one that I am most in favor of surprisingly. Especially since she has no secret ties to any of the nobles whatsoever, has numerous years of military experience and dedicates herself and her would career to serving and protecting the people,” The Draconequus listed off the qualities one by one as he looked back at his audience. “In fact, she and Shining Armor were both cadets in the same class when they originally enrolled and it is also where this happened.”

That brief pause was followed by a clip of when Shining Armor and Scorched Ash were asked to face each other in a sparring match. But, when Shining took a moment to ask if it was ethical or not because it involved hitting a mare, he was blindsided by an incoming shoulder tackle from Scorched Ash that sent him crashing through a wall. “Wow… For the record, the only other time that a mare would throw herself directly into Shining Armor’s path that fast was actually Cadence on their honeymoon.” That had the crowd erupt in laughter as the graphic soon showed a closed hotel door with the sign that said ‘do not disturb’ directly on the door handle. “Now, to sum up where we are at right now… Celestia and Luna are still the Princesses, they’ve been making positive reforms, but with a few that had bounced back at them one day after taking effect, two controversial picks for positions on their cabinet that ended up being let go before their jobs were even suppose to start, and a very badass soldier that’s running the guard. So, things have been like a normal game of darts at a cider pub. Hit and miss.”

Laughs ensued again followed by Discord clearing his throat one last time. “So… What does that mean for us? Well, quite simply, at this point, Celestia and Luna are still trying to figure out ideal candidates for ponies to fill in roles such as Education, Migration Policy, and so on. But instead of letting them choose somepony who may be another mistake… they should consider ponies who have the right qualifications and attitude for the positions. Heck, a whole bunch of you formed a massive mob outside of Twilight’s castle for the same thing, so why not shift the focus towards Canterlot now? Because this is a process that Celestia or Luna can’t be able to undergo alone… but with your help, who knows? Maybe we can get Equestria back on the right track… just make sure that it’s not on the wrong train… and now, this.”

As he said that, a new screen popped up for the audience to watch as some letters began to form. “And now…… multiple newscasters trying to not say the words ‘Suck my own Cock’.” Which included the following responses… that got the crowd roaring as the montage began to play.

“-I’m not Prince Blueblood, I’m not trying to…… Oh dear Celestia, this is making me sick-”

“-I’m not trying to… ‘Expletive’... my own… ‘expletive’-.”

“-This stallion is suggestion that Prince Blueblood performs… impossible physical acts upon himself-”

“-Which only seems possible, if true, would make Blueblood a gymnast-”

“-Acts that I think require flexibility that he or barely any of us even have-”

“-We can’t go over this full interview because it would break our bleep machine-”

“-He must be describing Blueblood as a member of the circus in order to have that flexibility… Which makes me wonder if he was adopted from a former ringmaster.”

Next Morning

Shortly after Princess Celestia had raised the sun that morning, the solar alicorn began to walk into the hall of elements in order to prepare herself for day court… only to find that one of her oldest staff members… and also a very close friend named Kibitz was pulling himself out of what looked like a big pile of scrolls.

“P-princess! It’s good to see you this morning.”

“Kibitz?” She asked, looking at the scrolls and thinking to herself. The first thing that came to her mind was when she was swamped by a bunch of scrolls that contained different friendship lessons in them, which was a prank that was done by Rainbow Dash. She thought that this was also the same case, but it was likely that it could be other things too. “What do we have here, this morning?”

“Well, princess,” The elderly stallion replied as he picked one up and opened it. “It appears that these are… job applications and resumes… Would you happen to know what’s going on?”

“That’s… odd,” The princess spoke, shaking her head in response before lightly tapping her chin for a moment. “We didn’t have any recent job openings as of lately. I know that we have been making some changes around the castle when it comes to staff members, but we did not have any jobs open to the public.”

It was then that the two of them now noticed the newly appointed Royal Guard captain, Scorched Ash, approach them as she spoke up. “Forgive me for sounding abrupt, your highness, but try telling that to the crowd that’s outside. They’ve been forming even before you raised the sun and some of them have tried to break into the palace grounds. But none of them seem to be upset… but actually more… desperate.”

“Desperate?” Celestia asked, confused.

“There were several ponies out there who were saying that they want to be your advisor on education, a few that were claiming to be proficient in terms of border security… and then there were the more profane ponies that were asking if there was truth regarding what was said about your nephew.”

“No wonder Blueblood’s locked himself in his room for the past day.” Celestia sighed, looking back at them. “Have you heard anything about my sister?”

“Well, when I last heard about the night guard’s activities, they told me that Princess Luna was using the chaos at the front of the palace to go to the bookstore to get a copy of that new book one of your fellow princesses wrote…… what is it suppose to be? A self help manual?” The confused captain asked. Which, caused Celestia to sigh for a moment before she could speak.

“It’s a Friendship lesson book, containing lessons from Twilight and her friends herself.” The Princess simplified. “In fact, I think it’s a good thing to let other ponies learn from their experiences and have it apply to them.”

“Yeah, until they start arguing which lessons are the best…” Ash mumbled to herself, before looking back at Celestia… who was looking at her with a raised eyebrow. “What? Is somepony likes something to a degree, they’ll sometimes stop at nothing to show that their opinion is better than anypony else’s. It’s happened more than once before.”

“I… see.” The princess replied, before both of them found two guards drag one pony back outside as it was crying out.

“Please!! Princess!! Let me be your snuggle bunny!! PLEASE!!” The stallion shouted, before being sent back out to the crowd as Ash facehooved herself and deeply sighed… this was definitely going to be one of those days.

Episode 7: Literature

Author's Note

Now for a bit of a change of pace. This time, with Discord falling ill, somepony else has to step up to the plate. And that somepony has a few things to say regarding a specific book that had been published earlier in the week.

May contain some spoilers from 'Fame and Misfortune'. Enjoy!!
-Frost

Episode 7: Literature

Throughout the time that he was working on his next piece, Discord was slowly beginning to feel rather unwell. It first started with light coughing, but soon lead to headaches, loss of focus and a few other symptoms that were a rather big deal for him. After all, he wanted to be able to get this out in time, but with his condition getting worse, he was in no proper shape in order to go on the air… or do anything really. He even had to cancel his tea time with the princesses this month and other social obligations because of how badly sick he was.

So, it was rather unexpected for him to be getting a knock at his door again, especially in his condition. And this time, it wasn’t Princess Celestia standing at his doorstep. Rather, it was Princess Luna. “Greetings Discord… Celestia said I could find you here,” The Princess of the Night told him as she lifted up what appeared to be a ‘get well’ basket in her levitation spell and gave it to him. “It would only be customary to help you since you aren’t feeling rather well at the moment.”

“Aw, why thank you-” Discord said part way through, before sneezing and having to cover his mouth in response with a napkin. “I would welcome you inside, but I rather not get you sick either.”

“It is fine… I came by to see if you needed help with anything after all,” She replied back, taking a step into Discord’s home. “Besides, with you feeling ill, I would think that you need a helping hoof around here other than Fluttershy.” The thought of having Luna actually be willing to help him was something that Discord honestly thought was somewhat suspicious. Even after all the times that he’s made fun of them on previous broadcasts, Luna has been more… open minded on potential reform rather than that of her sister. But… there had been one story he wanted to cover that had been getting a lot of attention.

“Well… there may be one thing I could use your help with…” He mentioned before looking back at her. “For my broadcast this week, I was suppose to be covering books and literature given the recent publication of the Friendship Journal. However, I have been so under the weather as of recently that I haven’t had the chance to step outside.”

That… caught Luna’s attention rather quickly… but it also made her smirk a bit. “Well… perhaps I can help you with that. I do happen to know something that’s going on as a result of it’s publication. Perhaps I can help with your broadcast too.”

“You’re not just using it as a way to take a shot at Celestia now, are you?” The draconequus asked, followed by another small cough. Surprisingly though, Luna shook her head from side to side as she continued to speak.

“Nope. We decided to set our differences aside after the election,” She mentioned. “So, what do you say? You want for me to help you out?” Discord himself now… was smiling a bit as he looked back at Luna. Not only with her help would the broadcast be finished, but it probably be even more entertaining to catch the audience by surprise by having a princess use his sense of humor.

“Yes. Let’s get started right away.”

It took a few moments for her to actually feel comfortable in the choice of attire that Discord had chosen for her, but after some adjusting, Luna felt ready in order to be able to speak. The audience was rather… surprised to see her here tonight and speaking in Discord’s place, but with Discord himself using his magic to take care of the camera’s, lighting and special effects, there really wasn’t anything for the crowd to be concerned about with Luna trying to make this more filly friendly. “Hello everyone, welcome to Last Week Tonight… now, you may have noticed that a certain someone isn’t here right now, even though his own name is on the title of it. So, before you ask, I’m going to state that Discord had to take a sick day… or seven to be exact,” That got the crowd laughing as it showed a graphic of the draconequus with a thermometer in his mouth and clearing out his calendar. “He originally thought that one day was all he needed, but decided to have a few extra days just to be sure.”

Even Discord behind the camera thought that was hilarious because that would be something that he would actually do, and it made him hopeful for everything else that was to be covered in the episode tonight. “You may be thinking that tonight’s programming would be me having to talk to you like your a therapy counselor, or talk about subjects like life on the moon, why did you adopt Blueblood or how selfish the Nobles in Canterlot are. A subject that’s so boring and obvious that Discord literally had that be part of his first ever broadcast.” That was added on by a graphic that showed a screenshot of Discord talking on the subject as Luna decided to refocus. “Now though, tonight is not going to cover any of those things. It’s instead going to cover a rather different subject… Literature. Used for studying, entertainment… and building massive forts in a library.”

This was followed by a clip of what appeared to be Celestia finding Twilight when she was a filly inside a self made fort made out of books when inside the Canterlot Library. Her reason for it, in the cutest way a filly could explain it, was so that she felt safe if monsters tried to come after her. Which, caused the whole crowd to say ‘aww...’ because of how cute she was. “Yes… that is indeed adorable. Just as adorable as her trying to come up with a mathematical equation of how Friendship is Evil because of the amount of time that Cadence and Shining were spending time with each other.” To which, the newest graphic was now the same filly Twilight standing in front of a whiteboard with a massive calculation that resulted with the final line being ‘friendship = evil’.

“Now, there’s a reason why I’m mentioning to you about Twilight Sparkle, who is now Princess Twilight Sparkle. One particular book that she decided to publish out across Equestria has been getting a lot of attention this week and it’s possible that you might’ve heard it mentioned once or twice,” This was shortly followed by a brief clip of a few ponies talking about the release of the ‘Friendship Journal’ and how several ponies were waiting in line outside a bookstore in order to pick up a copy. “Yes, the Friendship Journal. Also known as the Friendship self help guide by Discord.” For a moment, Luna appeared to be squinting a bit at the next line she needed to read, before seeing it and adding it to her sentence. “Also… excuse me if this doesn’t sound right, but… #FriendshipSelfHelpGuide.”

That got the crowd laughing rather quickly again as Luna decided to have everyone calm down before she began to speak again. “Though, even though the book and it’s writers have some good intentions… Nopony could expect the amount of trouble it somehow got other ponies into. Look at this.”

“Several ponies in Canterlot tonight are stunned after two members of the royal guard were seen shouting and arguing with each other in the middle of the city.”

Luna herself raised a hoof for a moment as the crowd looked back at her. “Now, you may be thinking… how does an argument between two ponies somehow revolve around books? Well, wait til you hear the reason why they were fighting.”

“Both of the stallions were arguing over which lessons inside of Princess Twilight’s new book were the best.”

That, drew a rather big and surprised reaction from the crowd and also made Luna look just as surprised too. “Yeah… my sister and I were just as surprised about this too. Because those two stallions are the same two guards that were supposed to be guarding her chambers when she’s sleeping.” That was followed by an image of both guards in front of Celestia’s room, looking like they were still arguing from earlier. “Perhaps they should’ve been doing something else at the time like… oh I don’t know… their job? I guess we’ll just need the new captain in charge to give them a piece of her mind later.” That is when the image changed to where they could see the shadow of the newly appointed captain and both ponies standing at attention. Shivering all the while.

With that in mind, Luna now took a deep breath and looked back at the camera. “But this incident in Canterlot isn’t the first incident of its kind. Similar ones have occurred in other parts of Equestria to the point to which the varying degree in how serious these incidents are… well… you should see for yourself.”

“It's quite obvious that Twilight's lessons were the most important. She's a princess for a reason.”

“This just proves how Celestia prefers her own students over hard workers like Applejack!”

“Why can't Fluttershy grow a pair?”

“ARE PINKIE PIE AND APPLEJACK RELATED!?!?!?”

“So… is Rainbow a lesbian?”

“Rarity’s hot.”

All of those responses had the lunar princess clear her throat shortly before looking at the audience. “To answer those in order… No, it’s not obvious… My sister prefers nopony over hard workers… Fluttershy tried to be assertive once, and that didn’t end so well. Pinkie Pie and Applejack are related, cousins in fact… It’s more likely that Rainbow’s bisexual rather than just lesbian and lastly, if Rarity were in the audience right now, she would say ‘why thank you, darling~’.” The last part of the sentence was actually done in a very accurate impersonation of Rarity’s own voice as the crowd was laughing in response to the answers for each of the questions.

Before continuing to add to the overall story, Luna then began to point out something that Discord and her both thought of when they were originally reviewing the subject. “Now, all of you may be wondering why would a book be causing so much problems? Well, it’s because many ponies are not understanding the main point behind Princess Twilight publishing this. The point of the book is supposed to be so you can apply the magic of friendship to your own lives and learn from these lessons, not throw bowls of ice cream at each other,” Now was when the next graphic was presented in which two ponies were actually throwing ice cream at each other, causing Luna to facehoof herself and sigh. “And in all seriousness… do you think ice cream is a good way to engage in culinary warfare? It would make your opponent want to get hit by the food because of how tasty it would be. At least do what my sister and I did when we were little and fought each other with the abomination that is cooked carrots.” That caused the crowd to laugh again as the graphic changed to where both of the ponies in the original image were using slingshots and firing cooked carrots at one another as pieces of it splattered everywhere. “You wouldn’t want to have yourself get hit by that… Trust me.”

The loud roaring of laughter soon began to settle down as Luna waited for the crowd to be calm first before speaking out again. “Now this… came as a surprise to everypony, including Princess Twilight. In fact, when she was finishing up a small appearance for handling a book signing, this happened,” The clip that played afterwards was soon a small scene that showcased a rather shocked and surprised Twilight trotted out of the room before being able to answer any questions that some reporters had for her. As the clip ended, Luna then spoke up. “Now… this may be something that she doesn’t realize… but a non-answer like that in this particular situation… is an answer. It’s like this… If you asked Discord ‘Have you ever had feelings for either Fluttershy or Princess Celestia?’ and his response was slowly and silently walking away from you, then you can probably tell what his answer might be.”

The crowd was not expecting that one and in turn, almost caused the studio to shake a bit because of how hilarious that predicament was. Especially with the fact that the graphic that was added was the thought of both of those ponies being in Discord’s head and his heart growing a few sizes at the sheer thought of it. Discord behind the camera, originally thought that this was a stretch. But when he soon remembered about the amount of times he remarked about the princesses, it would make sense for Luna to try and make fun of him this time.

Shortly after the comment though, Luna began right where she left off as she looked back at the camera. “Now, all of this drives home a point that I think Twilight wants to try and get across to everypony at this stage. Petty fighting like this is pointless. The journal is suppose to bring ponies closer together and teach them important life lessons, not be a re-run of the HoofField and McColt story in chapter 47, which I’m not going into detail over because well… spoilers.” The corresponding image showed Rarity reading a newspaper article as she looked at Applejack. Giving off a certain expression while the caption above her head said ‘No Spoilers!’ in all caps.

“If anything though, the book is fantastic… but there’s one slight flaw that a lot of ponies are seeming to overlook,” That, surprised a lot of the crowd, including Discord. He didn’t really remember anything being mentioned after the part of the HoofField and McColt case, so even he was surprised by this. “Some individuals that learned rather important lessons over the course of this book being made, like Twilight’s assistant Spike, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, ponies who are in the CmC’s own class and even Discord for that matter, are overshadowed by everything else. If anything, there are more lessons learned by The Elements of Harmony and Starlight than by Spike, Discord and the Cutie Mark Crusaders combined. And some of the most important lessons aren’t from the mane six. Like with Thorax being accepted by the Crystal Empire, the Cutie Mark Crusaders trying to get Gabby a cutie mark, Discord’s conflicting confusion regarding friends around the time of the gala… to which, that shade of orange makes him look like somepony that accidently got a gallon of Orange Juice dropped on a white suit and the stains are already set in.”

The image that resulted from that showed Discord being doused by Orange Juice as it looked like Derpy Hooves had accidentally spilled it all over his clothes. “Not to mention that we haven’t even covered the story of how the Cutie Mark Crusaders… actually got their cutie marks. Which revolves around this filly,” Luna pointed out, showing an image of Diamond Tiara. “And you probably might guess who her parents are.”

“I tell you this, the reason why Diamond’s been acting so differently is because of those blank flanks!! If anything, I can convince them to leave her alone so she isn’t brainwashed by them.”

After that clip, Luna was seen facehooving herself as she looked back at the audience. “No… she can’t. The problem here with Ms. Spoiled Rich is not only the fact that there’s nothing wrong with the Cutie Mark Crusaders to begin with… but if you haven’t realized it, she’s fails on so many levels whenever she tries to convince somepony,” Again, more laughs as the alicorn of the night soon made the reasons for her claims. “Think of it, she didn’t convince anypony to vote for her in the election for Princess, she wasn’t able to convince the ponies counting the votes to swing things in her favor and most importantly, she couldn’t convince her husband to support her or her daughter to believe in what she said. Most importantly, whenever it comes to any subject at all that you are talking about with her, she quickly turns around the subject to her favorite topic… herself.”

The next clip showed her response to her claims showing how she felt about the issue and what she would do in the scenario, completely disregarding the fact that the idea of disciplining Diamond Tiara is immoral and unnecessary. “Yes… it seems like Spoiled Rich immediately involves herself over any personal responsibility. She’s the kind of pony who starts eulogies at funerals saying ‘Great pony. I didn’t kill them, but he was a great pony and I did not do it’.” The graphic of Spoiled Rich saying the proposed eulogy at Filthy Rich’s funeral really got the crown on their hooves/feet as Luna said something else. “Now, another particular case in the book that revolves around the Cutie Mark Crusaders is focused on the events of a derby set up by their class to… learn about physics for some reason. However, unlike with other stories in the book, this one shows that some ponies, including some members of the Mane Six, aren’t exactly perfect.”

The next clip that showed was of the events of the Ponyville Derby and how at the end of it, Applebloom and the others were complaining of how their sisters did not let them be able to design their own carts so they could compete on their own. The only response… was Applejack asking ‘Why didn’t ya say so?’. Something that made the crowd rather surprised as Luna took a deep breath.

“To answer your question, Applejack, they were trying to tell you… However, you were so absorbed in doing it yourself that you didn’t hear her,” Luna said, followed by something else shortly afterwards. “Don’t get me wrong... Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash are all good ponies. Yet, it takes them a LOT longer in order for them to realize it more than others. At some stage, they need to grow up and learn how to handle things themselves. This is a test of knowledge and skill, not a rap battle on the history of the Wonderbolts.” The graphic that followed showed Pinkie Pie in a familiar rap star outfit singing rhymes in front of what looked like Cheese Sandwich in a similar choice of clothes and a beanie. “Oh Pinkie… why did the cakes decide to make you cake with confetti? They knew tonight was rap battle night.”

The crowd humorously chuckled at the analogy as the lunar princess decided to go straight to the main point of the broadcast. “The main point here is that this book is suppose to help teach ponies important fundamental values of friendship from not just the Mane Six, but also from ponies you did not expect. So you shouldn’t be arguing over whose lessons are better, but instead take what you learned and apply it to your own lives… because it would allow for you to see things in a more open light… and also allow for a certain princess to not walk out on you because she was fearing for her own safety. Discord will be back next week, but in the meantime, I’m Princess Luna saying good night… and stay friendly.”

Next Morning

As the Cutie Mark Crusaders were finishing up their chores and meeting each other up this morning, something seemed… different about today that was rather… odd, so to speak. For one thing, many of the townsfolk were much… nicer. Not to mention that some of the ponies that did recognize them said that their lessons in the Friendship Journal that Twilight recently published were their most favorite. Heck, it went as far as somepony even asking for their collective autograph. Something that Scootaloo would normally ask for when she met a famous Wonderbolt, not a passerby in town.

So, they decided that a stop to Princess Twilight’s castle was in order. If anypony was going to help them get to the bottom of this personal mystery of theirs, it would be the princess of friendship herself. Who was rather surprised to see them. “Morning, Twilight!”

“Oh! H-hey girls… what are you doing here?” Twilight asked out of curiosity. “Don’t you have school today?”

“Twilight, we don’t have school today,” Scootaloo replied, surprising Twilight for a moment before the filly then spoke up. “Can we ask you about something though? Something about today seems rather… different than before.”

At that, the alicorn personally raised an eyebrow as she looked back at the group of fillies. “Really? What do you mean?”

“Well, for starters, everypony seemed rather… nicer,” Applebloom picked up where Scootaloo left off as she began to explain everything to the Princess. “And many of the ponies that happened to run into us felt… what’s the word, girls?”

Now it was Sweetie Belle’s turn to speak up. “Honored?”

“Yeah, that!” The earth pony then spoke up in response. “Many ponies were honored to meet us after reading about our lessons in the Friendship Journal! Onepony even asked for our autographs.” That was indeed surprising. She had noticed that in the last couple of days, there were less arguments between ponies regarding the lessons in the Friendship Journal than on other days. Which made her wonder… what exactly could be the cause of that?

“Would you happen to know anything that could explain why, Twilight?” Sweetie Belle’s question snapped the alicorn back to reality as she looked back at the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“I don’t know girls-” Before she could be able to finish her sentence though, all four of them soon happened to notice two familiar faces enter inside the castle. One was Diamond Tiara, in which the girls knew from school. The other… was actually Filthy Rich. Diamond’s father… and he looked rather nervous.

“Hey Diamond,” Sweetie Belle spoke up, before noticing her dad nearby. “Is your dad okay?”

“He’s…… scared out of his mind,” Diamond replied as Filthy Rich tried to get as far away from the door as possible, while also looking back at the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Twilight. “Remember when my parents decided to participate in the election this year for next Princess?”

All four ponies in the room collectively shook their heads before Diamond breathed a sigh of relief. “Good… because we’re trying to handle a bit of a fallout from what happened. My mom’s gotten so much negative attention from everypony that it’s gotten to the point where she wants to take out her frustrations on my dad… badly.” That had the Cutie Mark Crusaders look at each other in complete confusion and also look at Twilight, who was both a bit confused… and also concerned.

“How bad are we talking about here?” She asked.

“Well…”

“WHERE IS HE!?!” They all heard the screams from outside that sounded like they came from that of Lord Tirek. Only to look outside and see that it was Spoiled Rich running around like a crazed mane-iac. “WHERE IS FILTHY RICH?! I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, I WILL MAKE HIM FEEL MY WRATH FOR NOT SUPPORTING ME!!!”

Which… only left Twilight to say one thing to Diamond Tiara in response. “…… You can stay… but your dad’s going to have to help me pay for staff. I don’t really know how to run a business.”

“Deal.”

Episode 8: Personal Protection

Author's Note

In true Last Week Tonight fashion, we got a special guest for this time around. One that’s supposed to help teach the population of Equestria’s citizens how to protect themselves... or somewhere along those lines.
-Frost

Side note: The ‘special guest’ was originally an idea I suggested to MrAquino... and he decided to actually agree on and roll with it. Thank him for making this happen.

Episode 8: Personal Protection

In the week that Discord had recovered from the flu, he was surprised to find out that many things had happened around Ponyville to the point that some of the things that happened really threw him off guard. For one thing, Luna’s piece on Twilight’s novel had definitely worked out and barely anypony was arguing anymore. As for the Princess of Friendship herself, she had happened to take on some staffing members with the help of Filthy Rich, one of the two Riches that was actually tolerable around town. The other… not so much.

So when it came to the story that he was going to cover for this week, he was going to do something rather… unexpected. He planned on rolling the dice. The show was called ‘Last Week Tonight’, so he was going to cover any of the major headlines that happened within the week that Luna did the last episode, no matter what it was. Which, also meant that it left him feeling a bit concerned about not knowing what he was immediately going to cover. But what’s the harm in trying something risky? After all, it’ll feel interesting to mix things up.

As he started the show, he looked back at the camera and donned the same suit and tie from the gala as he looked at the camera. “Welcome back to Last Week Tonight everyone, I’m Discord, whose suit looks like he had just took a cannonball into a pool of orange juice,” The single statement had got the crowd laughing and fired up again as he looked back at the camera. “First, I would really like to thank Luna for helping me out last week. She did a really amazing job, don’t you agree?” Everypony definitely agreed with what the draconequus said as he smiled and looked back at everypony.

“Now… tonight’s episode is actually going to be rather different. Since this is called ‘Last Week Tonight’ after all… what major stories occurred within the last week that we should be discussing?” He asked… followed by a clip that even caught him off guard.

“Prince Blueblood has been suspended by Princess Celestia and her sister for ninety days after actions taken against some foreign ambassadors that were visiting Canterlot earlier this week-”

That… had Discord shudder up for a moment for two reasons. “No… no, please don’t tell me we are doing something on Blueblood. How exactly is something about him this important? He looks like a pony who denies to let his mane change color naturally and dyes his hair to prove it.” Discord’s comment came with another image of Blueblood personally dying his mane blond, even though his actual mane looked like a dark leather brown. “Also, quick side note… you only suspended him for ninety days? That’s insanely short… If you put a cup of yogurt in the fridge the day he was suspended, he could still be able to eat it when he gets back.”

The whole crowd was laughing in response, but the draconequus wasn’t quite done yet. “Although… it probably will be gone and I’ll tell you why…” That proceeded with an image of Princess Twilight and Filthy Rich looking at one another, rather confused… followed by the second image… of a light lavender mare with a brown mane and tail within their newly formed finances division eating the yogurt and using her magic to conjure what looked like a middle finger as she was flipping off Blueblood. “Janice in accounting don’t give a buck…”

That was followed by the spirit of chaos copying the motion of opening up a cup of yogurt while also flipping off the camera before he then asked one main question. “So back to my main question… How is something involving an adopted douchey prince important?”

“The Suspension… along with the reaction of one of the ambassadors in question is now bringing up a rather important issue regarding Personal Protection when the newly established Dragon Lord, Ember, was seen punching Blueblood. Who said that her response was because Blueblood insulted her personal appearance numerous times throughout her visit and kept on saying that he didn’t expect to see a dragon of her ‘body size’. She also said that he was within her personal space and also tried to seduce her-”

That definitely grossed out the crowd as Discord himself was having a hard time wrapping his head around to what he just heard. “O…… kay, that was something I think all of us did not need to hear. But, to be fair, if you cut out all the filler of what you just heard, we can get straight to the main point.” He replied as a new title card showed up for the broadcast. “Personal Protection… the kind of protection in which can be taken in so many ways that we can’t cover all of them on this show due to… reasons.” That was shown with an image of Cadence winking at the crowd as Discord sighed and asked for the image to disappear already.

“Let’s be clear on the kind of protection that we are talking about first off,” The Draconequus stated. “This isn’t Witness Protection, the kind of protection from guards used to protect those who have witnessed a crime. This isn’t Prison Protection, the kind where Royal Guards are assigned to protect those who go into Tartarus. Nor is this the kind of protection where you would find yourself stranded on a wall in the far north, join the night's watch and wear iconic coats that can be easily fashioned out of a rug sold at neigh-kea.”

The last part had some of the audience laughing at the instruction manual inside for making a coat from ‘Game of Thronies’ as he had pushed that aside and got back on topic. “No, what we are talking about is Personal Protection. The kind of protection that fits under to obligations of matters such as Self Defense… or as most ponies think nowadays, ‘The legal definition of punching a douche’.” Again, the crowd laughed as the same image of Ember hitting Blueblood and some of his teeth falling out were seen in a freeze frame that looked to be in super slow mo. “But most of the time, things don’t work out like that in and outside of Canterlot. In fact, there have been times where Personal Protection wasn’t needed and that was when things were much more peaceful. Nowadays, with what had happened over the years with Lord Tirek and Queen Chrysalis, many ponies are wanting to have it back. It’s something that is natural to want, but shouldn’t necessarily have.”

Now was when Discord almost lost his train of thought. Normally, if he had more time to prepare such things, he would use an analogy to make it relatable. Now though, it was hard for him to come up with one on the spot. Yet, after five seconds, he thought of one that fit rather well. “Personal Protection is… like the cherry-changa. When you can’t have it, it’s so tantalizing and causes your mouth to water just by thinking about it, but once it’s brought back and you watch other ponies eat it, you and your mercenary buddy in red and black spandex think… this is ethically wrong, should this exist in a civilized society?” That got a lot of ponies laughing louder than normal for a moment before he added onto it. “By the way, that’s a new slogan for you cherry-changa, you are welcome.”

That was followed with a poster of the cherry-changa with the new slogan as Discord looked back at his audience. “Now… one of the major problems with something like Personal Protection is that in this current day and age, nopony knows about it. We’ve even asked some ponies around Equestria and just listen to the kind of responses they gave.”

“Personal Protection? Isn’t that like having a bodyguard or something?”

“Why would you need personal protection when you can protect yourself?”

“Who would we even need to protect if somepony did need personal protection.”

“Hehe… Personal Protection… PP… Classic…”

Everypony in the audience, along with Discord for that matter, were not only surprised but also grossed out by the last response. “Oh come on… You’re a grown stallion and you’re making crude humor that you would expect from colts! Act your age for Celestia’s sake!!” The draconequus took a deep breath in order to try and calm himself down as he looked back at him. “That guy is just as bad as any of the nobles in Canterlot… and he doesn’t live in Canterlot. The overwhelming majority of ponies are so uneducated on the subject that any guesses that would’ve been made would be completely wrong… So tonight, let’s cover three major talking points. One, what the heck is Personal Protection? Two, how the heck would this apply to you? And three, how can we make sure that everypony knows more about this.”

With that, Discord now was beginning to explain part one of his talk. “For the first part, personal protection is something that doesn’t have one specific definition to it, but rather multiple forms. First, there’s Personal Protective Equipment, something in which many of the ponies on the workforce would use to keep themselves safe while on the job. However, before you ask… this isn’t what I’m referring to.” Next was an clip of a colt in Ms. Cheerilee’s class when they were doing the kart derby race… who was completely embarrassed since his mother covered his limbs and body in bubble wrap for safety. “As we all learned from last week… this is what happens when family somehow happens to turn something you’re looking forward to into something you forever dread… and I feel extremely bad for the colt that had to go through that. Mostly because I have similar memories of the same thing happening to me when I was his age.”

The image that was shown afterwards was of Discord as a kid being wrapped in bubble wrap by Princess Celestia and Luna as he looked at them with a very unamused expression. Causing the crowd to roar in laughter at that before Discord got to what he was trying to tell them. “Personal Protective Equipment is basically suits or clothes you would wear on the workforce in order to protect yourself from harm. Like hard hats if you are a miner, a bee suit for if you are a beekeeper or a suit of armor if you’re part of the guard. Though, I’m a little unsure about how effective those suits of armor would be with their new guard captain always charging head first and throwing them into a wall.” That moment also included an image of the moment that Shining Armor got slammed by the new guard captain, Scorched Ash, during a training exercise.

“The other form of Personal Protection on the list is self defense, the kind of personal protection that is normally shown in any famous martial arts movie over the years. Just watch this excerpt from ‘The Karate Colt’ and you’ll see what I mean.” The draconequus’ comments were soon followed by a montage of several scenes that involved either the main character of the film training with his teacher or the moment when he was facing any opponents in a martial arts tournament.

After the montage was when the camera was focused back on Discord as he began to speak shortly after all the cheers in the audience subsided. “Movies like that would make you think that it’s either too easy… or too much of a commitment. Just look at all the ponies that sign up for gym memberships and then never really go to the gym.” More laughter boomed throughout the room as an image of an earth pony with a gym t-shirt was passed out on the couch. “But Self Defense is actually rather vital. It’s being able to protect yourself from thieves, stalkers and also a douchey prince with the demeanour of a sexual predator that has a lack of brains. Whether it’s a strong buck to the ribs, a hoof to the face or just having something on hand to protect yourself… this stuff, unlike that gym membership you don’t really need, is important.”

For a moment, the next image showed a brainless Blueblood and also whipped back around to show the Gym Pony again before Discord continued. “But you don’t have to use this just for yourself. Sometimes, these skills are vital to help other ponies who may be too scared to defend themselves. Of course… just be a little bit careful on your surroundings.” The next clip showed some stallion thinking that she was hearing someone get robbed and stopped a mugger, only to realize that it was all part of an act on a movie that was being filmed at the time. Which, of course, had everypony and even Discord laughing at the implications. “What makes that even more hilarious is that happened in Applewood, the capital of Equestrian Film-making and wherever you go, some form of movie is being made! You can barely tell what is and what isn’t really just a scene for an upcoming summer blockbuster.”

Some more humor soon circled around before Discord took a deep sigh. “But in all seriousness, this issue is rather important. In fact, a recent poll found that 85% of those who participated in a safety quiz to see if they can protect themselves failed. Which… to the general notion of the public is rather 5% at best. It essentially breaks down like this,” He said as a pie graph now showed of what he believed made up the Equestrian population based on personality. “5% are failures, 10% don’t know any better, 65% are assholes, most of which make up the population of nobles, 14% are weirdo’s, 5% are decent ponies… and then of course… Fluttershy.” Giving those statistics were one part of what he had in store though as he looked back at the camera.

“Right now though, you may be thinking… well, talking about this is all nice, Dissy. But what are you exactly going to do about it? And to that I say…… I’m glad you asked. Because while preparing for this week, we decided to do a public service announcement on the matter of Personal Protection and we got the best spokesman for it.” Everyone began to cheer a bit more as Discord asked for everyone to calm down for just a second and wait until he was done talking. “Remember during the cherry-changa statement when we mentioned the red and black spandex anti-hero? Well, turns out… He decided to lend a hand with this… while giving some ponies a much needed reality check. Please… enjoy.”

“SHOE HORNED IN CROSSOVER!!!” The red and black spandex anti-hero yelled as he jumped out of a portal before facing the general direction of the audience. “‘Sup! I’m Deadpool from MrAquino’s ‘Deadpool in Equestria’, here to give this fic at least 1000+ more views and a chance to be featured on Fimfic.net!”

All this did was leave the camera-mare who was filming at the time look back at the merc with the mouth in complete and utter confusion. “... What?”

“Anyways! Ya’ll midget horses gotta horses gotta learn how o ’fend yourself!”

Before he could continue though, he soon heard two other voices that were interrupting his thought process. Stuffy and Crazy Must you really say it like that?

Come on! It'll allow for us to get in touch with the locals!

Yeah... in Appleloosa... We're in Applewood.

Hehe! You said 'wood'!

The last comment from Crazy didn’t help out with Stuffy’s reasoning as he had to groan to himself before saying something new. Think of it like this... we're in pony Hollywood, not pony Dallas right now. You’re in a movie making capital, not a farm ranch.

“Please! You want me to go full ghetto on ‘em?” Deadpool asked, pulling out and cocking a gold handgun while putting on a backwards cap, a gold chain, and purposely lowering his pants to show his Luna printed underwear (with a horn sticking out of his nether region) “I’mma cap some guy’s ass!”

“Sweet Celestia! Pull up your pants!” The cameraman begged.

“NEVER!!!”

Ugh… Can we please do this over? Shortly after hearing that, the small scene was cut off and then brought back to the start. This time with the anti-hero not acting like a full blown gangster.

You’re no fun!

“Agreed!” Deadpool replied. “But, if you must, I GUESS we can TRY to make a PSA. But we’re going to do it G.I.Joe style: with plenty of terrible advices at the wrong times!” He put on a green army helmet and saluted in front of the Equestrian flag. “GO POOL!!!”

“... I need a raise.” The Cameraman spoke to himself, before being forced to follow Deadpool throughout the entire city and endure his crazy shenanigans along the way.

“The First thing you need to know on how to defend yourself is the right weapon. Personally, I prefer using handguns, but since none of you ponies have hands, we’ll go with the weapons that strike fear into everyone’s heart: A noose, a whip, a nightstick, and a job application! But this is to be safe. If you want the REAL deal for breaking other people, use other things like baseball bats, shovels, crowbars, or your own partner!”

I would think pepper spray or Hand-to-hand combat would work personally. We’re trying to teach them to defend themselves, not kill each other.

Come on, you’re going against the theme! Terrible advice at the wrong times!

*Sigh* I feel exactly like that cameraman pony right now.

“Moving right along…” Deadpool said as he soon approached a earth pony stallion with a feather shaped cutie mark. “When it comes to defending yourself, it’s not always about what you use, but where do you apply it too!! Like a band-aid before ripping it off five minutes later! Now sir… What is your name?”

“Uh… Feather Bangs?”

“Heh… I like this guy already.” Deadpool snickered,. “So ‘Bangs, what do you think of Personal Protection?” The reaction that he got from the stallion was him chuckling a bit as the anti hero raised an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?”

“Heh… Sorry, but when you just said that, I thought PP-” Before the stallion could finish, he was caught off guard when Deadpool suddenly kicked him in the crotch, causing him to bend over and shiver in pain.

“See kids! Always aim low!!! It’s everyone’s weak point when you apply enough force!!” He said, before looking back at the stallion. “And for the record, I do better when it comes to dick jokes.”

“... Mommy…” Feather Bangs wheezed.

“And when they're down, don't just run away, MAKE THEM PAY!!! Kick them on the ground as they're already in pain!” He kicked Feather Bangs harder, making the stallion cry. “And use your weapons, or anything within the immediate vicinity for extra damage!” He grabbed a purse and whacked Feather Bangs with it. “Or if you want to, tea bag them and make them call you your daddy.” He began to tea bag the stallion, his junk touching Feather’s face. “WHO’S YOUR DADDY!?!?!?”

“...You are…”

“WHO'S YOUR DADDY!?!?!?”

“YOU ARE!!!”

Umm… That’s a bit excessive.

So, who cares if it’s excessive!?

You do realize that the editors will still have to go over everything when we’re done here.

“If that’s the case, let’s break it down nice and simple!” Deadpool declared, having a tripod land on top of Feather Bangs as Deadpool was now dressed in the clothes of a college professor. Using a pointer in his hand, he pointed out each of the steps on the canvas that had his main points… while also making the stallion groan in pain each time he smacked the board with his pointer. “Step one, Learn how to defend yourself with the right weapon whether it’s an employment application or a baton! Step two, when defending yourself, use enough force in order to prevent them from harming you or make them weak at the knees. Step three, which is my favorite and sometimes optional… HUMILIATION!! You don’t think you would let Bluebroke get away with something like this here if he tried to do it to you. Just because he’s a nephew of a princess doesn’t make him special-”

Yeah… about that… Blueblood’s adopted.

Pfft. Yeah right. That’s just an excuse for humiliation.

I’m being serious… Don’t take it from me. Why don’t you ask that cameraman pony that you’ve had follow you around all day?

That had Deadpool stop for a moment before looking back towards the camera pony. “So wait… Blueblood’s adopted?”

“Uh… apparently so? Everypony found out when Discord revealed it on his talk show… you know… the one you’re doing this PSA for?” All that did was cause a devilish smirk to appear on the mercenaries face as he looked at the camera.

“Please excuse me for a moment… I have some business to attend to… In the meantime, make sure to follow these three simple steps and you may stand a chance against the next season premiere/finale!!” He shouted, before disappearing in a flash, causing the cameraman pony to groan a little bit as he watched the events unfold.

“I hope this doesn’t cause a controversy… I might need a new job after this.”

With it, the video was close to finishing up… just as some final words now appeared on screen. “Protection… the one thing to protect yourself from all the dicks in the world…” Followed by an extra section that was whispered on camera. “#That’sWhatSheSaid.”

Next Morning

Upon waking up this morning, Twilight felt that something seemed… off. Since asking Filthy Rich for some help with handling operations and staff at the castle, things had become… much less of a headache than normal. Especially with Starlight and Trixie helping Thorax back at the Changeling Kingdom trying to convince his brother to not accept love from others as a sign of weakness, which was weird in itself since Twilight did not know that Thorax actually had a brother.

Yet, it was just as she trotted into the kitchen to get herself some coffee that she… actually found that somepony was already there… and looking back at her. “Oh, good morning… How are you doing?” The Alicorn asked the mare. Yet… the mare’s response was just to use part of her magic in order to flip Twilight off as she was about to leave the kitchen.

What made that encounter worse was that the unicorn that was walking away also the special coffee cup that Spike had made for her last Hearts Warming. A mug that had the words ‘World’s greatest Princess’ on the front with the cutie mark being on the handle. And this mare really did not care if it was Twilight’s or not, even if she politely pointed it out to her.

“Good morning, Princess,” A familiar voice caught her attention, turning to see Filthy Rich not far from where she was standing. “Did you sleep well last night? You look like you woke up from a nightmare.”

“I-i’m fine…” Twilight replied, shortly before shaking her head in order to make sure that she was awake. “Would you happen to know that mare that’s walking down the hall?”

Filthy Rich looked in the direction where Twilight was pointing her with before taking a deep sigh and answering the Princess’ question. “Looks like you met Janice this morning.”

“I’m sorry, who?” Twilight replied, looking a little bit confused for a moment as the earth pony began to explain.

“She’s in the accounting division. Brilliantly smart mare and good with numbers… However, she’s rather antisocial and… to put it in the best possible terms, she doesn’t give a buck about most things… In fact, that’s what most of her application actually states. Anything that isn’t relevant to her job or anything else, she doesn’t really care about them.” He explained, before asking another question. “How well was your encounter with her this morning?”

“She trotted off with the mug that Spike made for me during last year’s Heart’s Warming and also flipped me off with her magic.”

“Oh you got off easy then,” The stallion’s words not only made Twilight puzzled, but also made her want to figure out what exactly did he mean by that. “She’s eaten any dessert that Spoiled Rich had saved for herself, claimed ownership of some islands that ponies were trying to make in the middle of the nearby lake and also was the one pony who actually won last years Fantasy Buckball League amongst the staff when they were working for me.”

“Uhm… The l-last one doesn’t sound too concerning…”

“Yeah… excuse my prench, but she doesn’t give a buck about sports…”

“Oh… right.” Twilight replied, before looking back at him. “Should I be concerned?”

“Ehh… I was originally concerned when I first brought her on to help with my families finances, but if you get past her antics, she’s actually a very smart mare.” The earth pony told her. “Most recently before you asked us to help you, we found out that even though she doesn’t have a job, Spoiled Rich’s trying to leech off my retirement savings in order to try to buy jewelry and other expenses.”

Twilight blinked for a moment, before looking back at Filthy Rich. “Isn’t that a bad thing?”

“Yeah…” Filthy Rich chuckled, before adding onto that. “For her.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CARD IS DECLINED!?! I DEMAND AN ANSWER NOW!!”

“Wow… that’s something…”

“I’ll say.” Both Twilight and Filthy Rich almost jumped at that, turning to see a bipedal figure in the corner of the kitchen, flipping pancakes. “Oh don’t mind me… I’m just making breakfast.”

“W-What are you doing!? How did you get in here?!” Twilight asked.

“What? I’m Pancake!! ... Also, quick side note, your Castle has a real lack of doors… and windows,” The figure replied for a moment. “Now can I please have some privacy? I gotta be alooooone for me to work my pancake magic!” Both Twilight and Filthy Rich looked at each other for a moment and slowly decided to back out of the room and leave this… whoever he was, alone.

Of course, it was only thirty seconds after deciding to leave the kitchen that they heard a loud crash and turned around to find the whole kitchen overflowing with pancakes… and the same guy cooking them speaking casually. “Oh, how I love the smell of 372,844 pancakes in the morning… Smells like victory.”

All Twilight could do was just facehoof herself as she looked back at the masked stranger. So much for trying to have a calm morning. “Thirty bits that this is Discord’s doing?”

“I second that notion.”

Episode 9: Charter Schools

Shortly after completing his last episode, Discord found himself busy with trying to research the next topic he wanted to tackle. The idea for the topic that was on his mind was based on a couple of different observations. One, it was back to school season in Ponyville and with it, came the groans of several ponies who wished that summer could last a lot longer. Two, when it came to schools, there was one kind of school that… he had not even heard about until when he started looking into it and what he found was rather eye opening and that most of the public was rather… split on the issue. Some ponies were for it, while others were against it… and a LOT of ponies had been affected by it.

So with that in mind, he thought that this important of a subject should be addressed as soon as possible. And the timing was pretty good since school had recently come back into session. In fact, he was so invested in the subject throughout the week that he found out so much information that wouldn’t really be necessary to cover in this particular session. But instead of covering whether or not it was good or bad at all, he decided to take a look at the system in practice to see if it really meets the expectations that some of them claim to have.

With that in mind, he was now ready to begin the next piece as he looked back at the camera and after the show’s animated introduction came his first statement. “Summer… the one thing in which ponies claim will last forever… other than this.” The clip that played afterwards showed a collection of villains throughout Equestria’s history, including Nightmare Moon, who have claimed that what they were going to achieve was going to last forever. “Yes, the cliche of something lasting forever is just as old as these guys. So, next time you hear Nightmare Moon shouting “It shall remain Eternal Night forever!!”, she really means “It shall be Eternal Night for roughly ten minutes before I get rainbow blasted again".”

The coinciding image that played of Nightmare Moon before making her claims and then getting blasted by the elements of harmony really set well with the joke. Especially when the second image had the caption ‘TRIGGERED’ underneath it in a bold typeface. “Now, the main reason why I bring this up is that with the end of summer, it means that a lot of ponies are going back to school. Whether it’s elementary school or going to college, a lot of ponies are going to be hitting the books soon. Both figuratively… and literally whenever you can’t understand one of the toughest problems in advanced Calculus.” More laughter echoed throughout the set as an animated image of Twilight Sparkle banging her head against a textbook was shown for roughly ten seconds before Discord turned back to the camera.

“Now, with it being back to school season this year, millions of ponies across Equestria would be attending the one thing that I just found out about a week ago… despite the fact that I have been out of stone for more than three and a half seasons so far… Charter Schools. Which is rather surprising because I think most of the population at this point can agree with me when I say that I originally had no idea what it was…” Discord said before clearing his throat and speaking up. “And upon researching about them, it’s apparently one of the things that nobles and politicians love to praise.”

“I believe in public charter schools.”

“I throughly believe in charter schools. They are fantastic!”

“Charter Schools work and they work really well.”

“Charter Schools are so successful that almost any politician can find something good to say about them. Period.”

When it got back to Discord, he then spoke up and then began to pick up from that last point. “Yes, Charter Schools can apparently unite both sides of the aisle more quickly than when the DJ at a family anniversary or wedding puts on a groovy dance song,” That was followed by a brief image showing what looked like Granny Smith dancing with a bunch of Apple Family members in the middle of a dance floor, shortly before the draconequus’ head shifted to take on Applejack’s appearance as he spoke in a southern accent. “Hey, look at Granny dancin’. We can’t tell her what this song is about, ya hear?” The crowd was laughing even more hysterically at this point as Discord changed his head back to normal.

“So before we get into the subject, let’s answer one of the main questions we all might have… First, what the heck are Charter Schools? Well, to put it simply, these schools are institutions that are taxpayer funded, but privately run. The first one that was made was actually Princess Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns and back then, it was initially made in order to not only provide many unicorns with the chance of getting a good education, but it allowed for those who were teaching to test out better teaching methods and educational approaches. It was so successful to the point that other soon emerged later and within the last fifty years, they exploded to the point where they were all across Equestria like what happens when you feed a parasprite,” That was followed by a graphic of where they were in most of the country, symbolizing the schools as Parasprites as the Draconequus made an important point. “Some even have celebrity backers like Suri Polomare and even the wonderbolt captain, Spitfire.”

At that point, some of the audience were rather surprised to find out about this… then Discord added on to what he was trying to say before. “It even got to the point that before I was reformed by Fluttershy, many ponies were once lead to believe that Prince freaking Blueblood was opening up his own school… Only to realize two things. One, the announcement was on April Foals Day… and two, there was the name for the school itself. And I’ll let the adopted douche take it from here…”

“… The Blueblood Institute for Technology, Engineering, Mathematics and Ethics…”

Once it got back to Discord, he then began to clear a few things up. “For one thing… he has no experience in any of those areas… and second, the initials of that said school stood out to spell, and this is true… BITE ME,” That had surprised a lot of the audience and got some to gasp and break out into laughter in response. “That’s the kind of statement you would find on a sweatshirt worn by Janice in Accounting during Hearth’s Warming or by a pony who lives on the streets of Detrot rather than the name of a proper institution to teach children.” Even more laughter roared from that statement, leading to Discord having to calm down the entire crowd before he could actually continue.

“Now, supporters of charter schools would normally point towards stories in which ponies were rather successful later on in life and had gotten to top universities. But critics of those same schools claim that they overstate their successes, cut off talented students from the program and even divert precious resources. So let me state off the top here that instead of looking into whether or not Schools like these are good in principle,” The draconequus told his audience. “Instead, we are going to look at how they perform in practice. Because like with many things, it may sound good in theory, but may not be so good when you actually do them… like trying to get your cutie mark in chemistry.” That was followed by a before and after shot of Sweetie Belle attempting to get her cutie mark in said area… only to accidently burn off her mane, tail and fur as a result. “You may think that it’s a good idea… but you should always check with an adult first.”

For that, Discord got out some of the notes that he had taken while the crowd was laughing hysterically at those pictures. “Now, compared to public schools, one study group found that Charter Schools had a slight edge when it comes to reading and was a bit higher in math. But they also pointed out that these results are different depending on the city you live in because charter quality is uneven across Equestria. Which is personally scary… If I was a father and I were raising a child, I would want them to have the best quality education that I could be able to get them. But unfortunately, many charter schools don’t even make it through the school year, leaving many ponies feeling abandoned as these news stories explain.” That was followed by three news stories and an interview with one of the parents that was affected.

“A local charter school suddenly closed it’s doors almost two weeks into the school year in the middle of the day.”

“A Seaddle Charter School shocked many parents and students by closing it’s doors this afternoon, without any form of notice whatsoever. It was the only one within trotting distance of the city-”

“A local charter school is suddenly and unexpectedly closing it’s doors.”

“My two kids left these notes on the table this morning. This one says… ‘Dear Mom, is the school going out of bisnose?’.”

Discord put up a paw for a moment, pointing at the image of the kids note in the last story as he looked back at the crowd. “Yes… that kid wrote business as bisnose. Which, personally to me, seems like a much better way to spell it if you were his age.” That was followed by what looked like a young Princess Luna holding up a index card that read “Woona’s Cuddle Bisnose” and the card was for one free snuggle on her. “Now to be fair, that school that was mentioned in the last segment of that montage was shut down three weeks into the school year, so I guess they should’ve been a lot better at bisnose… and for schools in some areas of Equestria, they have an alarming failure rate. A couple of years ago, in the city of Pi-ami, a local newspaper found that ever since first implementing the school’s four years ago, over a hundred of them had closed there and fifteen in which never even finished their first year. Leaving many families feeling betrayed and angry at the ponies who helped set up and organized them. And you would think that there was a proper way in order to make sure that one of these institutions was properly stable. However, that is not always the case…” At that, he paused for a moment to catch his breath again, just as he soon pointed out an example of what he was talking about.

“Take for example, Chivey Academy. One of the fifteen schools that was originally shut down in Pi-ami. One of the reasons for it being the lack of… and you’re not going to believe this… an actual school.”

“… The Schools were repeatedly kicked out of their buildings and moved between locations every three to five days. This included a reception hall, two local churches, a recreational center and a local park. Some teachers even had to resort to daily field trips because some of the locations they went too did not have enough room for all the students or to run multiple classrooms…”

That shocked a LOT of the viewers and made Discord even shocked… by one particular detail. “Daily… field trips. How does such a concept even work out? You gotta think that by doing field trips so many times that you run out of ideas for where to go and just let them run loose in the park… Or even take some of them with you to go return some clothes at a department store!” That was followed by two images. One that looked like the students of Ms. Cheerilee’s class running around in a park while she was sleeping under a tree, while the other one looked like the showpony named Trixie trying to get some kids excited by going to a store to return a gag gift given to her on her birthday.

“So that leaves us with a question… How do those schools get approved? Well, like most cities, the process begins with a lengthy application and the one for Chivey Academy was a doozy. It was over 400 pages long and written by Mr. Chivey, the founder of the school and contained passages that explained that the goals of the schools were to provide support for all students with the end goal being to increase individual independence. Which seems alright… but strangely…” At that point, Discord took out what looked like another stack of paper that was just as big as he continued where he left off. “When we had a look at the application for this school, Ironhide Academy, and got to the passage on the school's goals, it was almost EXACTLY the same way!! They looked similar, but with a few differences… like Flitter and Cloudchaser,” At that point, it showed the two twins that were on the Wonderbolts looking at one another shortly before a big race for the team. “You all know that one of them came first, but then Cloudchaser just basically plagiarized her face.”

More laughter echoed throughout the room as the draconequus took a moment to calmly continued where he left off. “Now, that behavior… oddly enough, is not illegal... but definitely unethical. There’s even a passage in the Chivey Academy Handbook saying the exact definition of what plagiarism is. So the application for Mr. Chivey’s school could be used on the same grounds of getting him kicked out of that same school,” That coincided with an image of the pony they were talking about getting thrown out of a building that was labeled ‘school’ on the front. “And incidentally, that’s not the only thing in which he’s been accused off. He’s also been accused of spending funds for the school on himself and is awaiting trial for grand theft. Much like Spoiled Rich with her husband’s bank account… except with no courts getting involved on that case.”

Discord snapped a talon to have the application that he was holding disappear as he now decided to move past the schools down in Pi-ami and instead focus on something else. “But there is a lot at stake for charter schools and a major problem when it comes to schools being approved this quickly. Take the Silverwing Institute all the way in Filly-delphia for example. They, like other Charter Schools, get paid on a per student basis, roughly to where it’s 7000 bits a student and that adds up. Especially that it’s your taxpayer money that are funding them. Well, strangely enough… it was around the time that they were getting off the ground that this story broke out.”

“... By day, the Sliverwing Institute in Filly-delphia would house 450 foals and teach them in classes ranging from Kindergarten to the Eighth grade… But by night, the school cafeteria was soon transformed into Tailwind, an adult themed club and bar that authorities say that is unlicensed and also illegal. In fact, parents called for an investigation into the staff members and the school when they say that their kids accidentally consumed wine instead of grape juice and found suspicious items within the facilities trash bins.”

That immediately got a LOT of ponies gasping at that… including Discord. “Holy Sh*t! Are those ponies out of their minds?! A club like that in a freaking elementary school is a recipe for complete and utter disaster… and I’m sure that the custodians would really want a better paycheck if they had to clean up whatever messes they find throughout the facility!” After that, Discord looked back at the camera as he had everyone calm down before speaking. “Fortunately, that school is under new leadership now and the students that happened to accidentally ingest wine are also okay. But in the city of Filly-delphia, the other schools that are there are in really bad shape… Not just for facilities, but what they are being taught. Some classes even skip very important subjects like that of World History or even Geometry, which are vital for understanding how our world works… but don’t take it from me. Take it from the mayor of Filly-delphia herself.”

The next clip that followed was of a brown maned unicorn with a sand colored coat of fur as she was beginning to speak in front of a press conference.

“I will say this once and I will say this again… Filly-delphia has the worst charter school laws in the county… and perhaps in Equestria too.”

“It’s true. In fact, the original pony in charge of Silverwing Institute is no longer there anymore after pleading guilty to fraud and embezzeling nearly 90,000 bits from the school itself. In fact, in that city itself, there has been an ongoing trend of several different school administrators and advisors pleading to similar crimes within the last decade! Not to mention that there’s no way to tell whether or not a school can actually be good or not for children, which is why one magazine even advised parents to ‘research the owner of the schools to see if they had not pleaded guilty to fraud or theft’. Which is insane!” Discord continued, before pausing for a second and lifting up a talon. “Although, to be fair… and no offense to anyone who lives there, it’s not entirely new for Filly-delphia to have the worst of something… Think of it, they have the worst Buckball fans, the worst bell and finally, the worst regional delicacy.”

The images that coincided with that included ponies that tried dressing up like birds to celebrate their Buckball team, a large bronze bell with a crack down the middle, and the last one being what looked like hay on a rectangular bun that was later smothered in cheese. “If I had wanted cheese whiz splattered all over my hay sandwich, I would go to Cutie Cafeteria, the restaurant run by the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Now the image of Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom in aprons holding a cheese smothered sandwich was what was getting the crowd to laugh uncontrollably as the draconequus straightened himself up shortly afterwards.

“But Filly-delphia isn’t even the worse of the cities with a lackluster plan for Charter Schools… the city of Colt-umbus in the middle of Equestria has even been called out by Charter School Supporters as ‘the wild west’,” That was followed by an image portraying the schools as buildings like in the town of Appleloosa and some of the folks looking like cow-ponies and desperados. “And the one in charge of the school districts there… may seem a bit disturbingly familiar.”

The next clip showed a very particular icon in the food industry trying to explain his philosophy on how schools are like that of ‘pizza shops’ and that through competition and choice amongst schools by comparing it to how much toppings you get on a pizza. All in which caused the crowd to laugh and Discord to facepaw himself. “Okay… first off, nopony has ever called them ‘pizza shops’. Secondly, I doubt Zesty Gourmand here would really give a crap about choice after despising and threatening to defund an entire row of restaurants in Manehattan. Third, you can actually get extra toppings by paying for them like a normal pony! Lastly… this pony is talking about schools like the whole thing is just about business. Which, again, sounds rather unethical… especially when you hear about the fact that a lot of the schools in that county have a huge problem in the lack of proper oversight. One agency even found that charter schools misspend money close to four times more than any other taxpayer funded agency in that city.” That revelation had caused some of the ponies in the audience to gasp as they looked amongst each other and looked back at Discord as he allowed for that moment to sink in.

“Some of these cases are rather extraordinary.” The draconequus explained as he snapped a finger and another case file soon emerged in his paw along with a pair of reading glasses. “One superintendent had even misspent funds which were suppose to go to supplies for classes like World History and Science on spa’s, transportation, plays, vacations and also to see Countess Coloratura in concert… but that’s not the craziest thing.” By now, Discord had dismissed both the file and the glasses as he kept on speaking. “What’s crazier is that there are some cities across Equestria, including Colt-umbus and Las Pegasus where you can actually profit off of Charter Schools legally and with no strings attached. Just look at this news report from fifteen years ago for a moment and you can see exactly what I’m talking about.”

“By law, charter schools must remain non-profit… but the schools can hire an educational management company, or EMO, and they too can try to make a profit.-”

“Pause for a moment,” Discord spoke up as he looked back at the crowd. “You know that something is not technically good if the abbreviated name for it makes the company look like a social stereotype.” More laughter echoed throughout the room as it showed what looked like a model by the name of ‘Moonlight Raven’ looking rather depressed and emotional in a dimly lit room. “But that’s not all… because if you continue watching, things get even more concerning.” That was shown once the CEO for one of the management companies was shown on screen and said a very specific and rather chilling statement.

“Education is first, last and always a business. If it’s run like a business… it can be done for profit.”

“Yes… and I bet you that in their next equish class, kids will be learning that if you take the L away from learning, you get earning,” The Draconequus said before stating the problem with that. “But schools like these should not be run like a business because your focus should be on the children, not the cash. It’s probably why that ponies company has a very bad track record in the city with managing over 30% of the failing schools there. Plus, a management company like his is not authorized to have the same level of transparency as… a school district. Which means taxpayer money could be used wrongly without them knowing it.”

That and the image of some ponies going on a shopping spree while the pony being symbolized as the 'taxpayer' gets the receipt for the expenses had a few ponies gasp, laugh and murmur among themselves, shortly before the spirit of chaos then mentioned something completely different. “Now, you may be thinking… that these schools were left with no supervision whatsoever, but that’s not entirely the case. Some of the schools in the region that they are in are approved and overseen by ‘authorizers’ and while many cities sharply limited who could be one, some cities like Colt-umbes weren’t exactly the case and allowed for many groups, including non profits to do it…” Discord now thought of an analogy for him to use as he took a deep breath and had a look back at the camera.

“Say for example that Princess Twilight decided to set up a school called… Princess Twilight Sparkle’s school for fantastic foals,” The image of Twilight proudly standing in front of her castle sized school building caught some of the audience off guard and got them laughing too. “While I have an existing non-profit called ‘Chaos Kids’... that could’ve overseen her school if she was on board with it… And some of these cases occur all over the country and I can’t even get into detail on all of them. But what I can mention is that… for some ponies, not every two schools are the same when it comes to what they learn in the classrooms… remember when I mentioned that some of the schools don’t even teach world history? Well, onepony brought it up to a schoolboard leader and this is what he said.”

“I personally believe that there are some subjects like this one that are better to be left off being taught at home.”

That had Discord straighten up in response and look at his audience for a moment before mentioning something else. “Okay… here’s an exchange that I don’t think anypony’s heard at all… ‘Wow, how did you do so well on that essay on history?' I was homeschooled…” That had some more ponies in the audience laughing before Discord looked back at them. “Now, here’s where some you need to pay attention. With the way society is changing now, our kids need a quality education more than ever… especially when we got ponies who feel abandoned when a charter school closes it’s doors on them. I could go on and on about other flaws that I have come across. And you might say that some of these charter schools closing is just seeing accountability in action, but there’s a real problem there. This isn’t a ‘pizza shop’ that you open up, serve your food, you close it if it doesn’t go well and you move on… this is f*yay*ing education! And when these schools close, they leave kids with nowhere else to go for a school. But don’t take it from me… take it from a former charter school employee.”

“I think there needs to be some filter as to who is actually opening up these charter schools.”

“And that I agree, one hundred percent,” Discord added on, “Because something that the assholes who run those management companies, like the one you saw earlier, is that the problem with letting the marketplace decide when it comes to kids is that kids change faster than the market… and get scared at the word ‘essay’ much faster than when you say any other word with five letters… like the word clown.”

That was stopped by an image of a very particular clown who lives in a sewer before Discord groaned. “No… just no, you’re not having anyone here float to anywhere, go back to where you came from!” The image soon disappeared as the Draconequus began to make his final point. “To sum things up… by the time parents realize that a school system is failing, futures may have been ruined… So let me summarize it in a way that even Zesty here could understand. If you give a kid a crappy pizza, you f*yay* up their day… treat a kid like one and you can f*yay* up their entire future. Because the quality of the education that we give our kids should come from qualified instructors who aren’t just doing it for the money and all children should get good education and not be limited to only just a few subjects because the school thinks that it’s better for a student to learn that on their own.”

Next Morning

“Sister, are you busy this morning?” The question that Celestia heard from her sister shortly after raising the sun was one that the alicorn honestly didn’t expect. Especially since around now, Luna would take the time in order to sleep in on some mornings. But nevertheless, there really wasn’t a way for her to try and avoid this conversation, so the solar alicorn decided to go along with it.

“Not necessarily… Why do you ask, sister?”

“Well… I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things…” She mentioned before clearing her throat. “First… and this is just out of curiosity… why did you adopt Blueblood?”

That was… something that the sun princess did not expect to hear from one such as her sister, but nevertheless, she then replied. “Blueblood’s parents were originally members of the royal guard. Some of the most highly decorated soldiers in the guard to this day… However, both of them were killed in a train car accident and it left him with no one to look after him. So… I felt as if I should do so in order to keep their memory alive… Of course, I did not think that it would lead to how he is today.”

“Did you ever tell him the actual story?” Her sister then asked. “And why the name Blueblood?”

“I wanted to… but over the years, it got increasingly harder the more he stayed here.” Celestia replied. “And the name Blueblood was something his parents decided. Back in Manehattan, where they first met, Blueblood was used as a term to describe those who served on the police and protectors of the law. To be more of a gentleperson and a peer to others… However, the ideology of Blueblood meaning ‘one of the upper class’ had gotten into his head at a rather young age when he was still learning at school.”

At that point, was when Luna looked back at her and then said something else. “Funny you should mention that… Discord’s most recent piece on his show actually talked about charter schools. Didn’t you and I wanted to develop some kind of policy in order to provide education for everypony?”

“Why yes, that was what I actually had on the agenda today.” The princess of the sun commented. “Why? Did something on that show of his catch your attention?”

“Oh, more than something…” Her sister replied as she had Celestia follow her. “A lot of things… but don’t take my word for it… I think you should see it for yourself.”

Author's Note

With many ponies going back to school, Discord decided to take a crack at looking into the Equestrian Education system... specifically, the amount of Charter Schools that happen to be in Equestria. They may seem good on the outside... but once you take a closer look at how they operate in practice, you might think twice on it.

This piece was the first one I wanted to tackle with regards to education... and given something that MrAquino pointed out to me with the second trailer for the MLP movie about how most Equestrian's are ignorant about what's going on outside of Equestria, I would think that one of the reasons why may be because they're not being taught about it in some schools. Hence, how this idea was born.

Also, congratulations to HBO and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver for winning the Emmy's for both Outstanding Variety Series and Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series. You guys deserve it!
-Frost

P.S. The story involving the colts who accidentally drank wine instead of grape juice was based on something that accidentally happened to me when I was a kid in that age group... It's better if you don't ask. xP

Episode 10: Griffonstone

For the draconequus, the ideas for the episodes of his talk show series normally take a couple of days in order for him to think on potential subjects that he would go over and discuss for an episode before he would do the research and begin recording everything. However, for this particular piece, the idea for it came much shorter than that and also covered something in which he only touched on briefly during his piece on Stereotypes amongst species. However, since this was something rather important that needed to be addressed, he couldn’t just slightly ignore the overly huge bear that was in the room.

And he wasn’t referring to Henry either. For this piece, he actually decided to mix things up a little and actually invite a few of his friends over to see a live taping for the episode. This included the Princesses, Fluttershy, her friends and yes… some of her animals too. Hence, the reason why Henry was here. So after everypony was seated and it was all quiet on the set, the intro for the episode commenced as Discord took in a deep breath and began to speak.

“Normally on this show, we like to focus our attention on complex, depressing and sometimes entertaining policy issues and/or public events like Rarity’s interesting choice of fashion and mane styles… or Poverty on the Moon… or how messed up and flawed some sections of Equestria’s charter school system is. A subject rather important but also boring for some viewers to the point that they don’t realize… we literally went over that topic last week!!” The images that followed included showing a picture of what looked like Rarity and Twilight Sparkle forming a spiky mane punk rock group and also a picture from space. “But unfortunately, we need to touch on a particularly different subject… At some point in the week, many of you have probably heard something about this.”

“The second annual Friendship Summit is set to be hosted this year in the Crystal Empire with hundreds of delegates from Cities in Equestria and around the world. Including many world leaders.”

Discord had that pause for a moment at he looked back at the camera and began to speak. “Now, at this point, you may be thinking one of two things. First, why the buck are you showing me something like this? And second, why the buck should I care? Well first, the Friendship Summits, despite being only going on for two years, is one of the biggest political events in Equus as a whole and also where all the highest ranking members of society get the chance to meet each other. Well, of course, other than the time Dragon Lord Ember did a superhero landing in the middle of Ponyville almost two weeks ago.” That coincided with an image of Ember landing on the ground after taking a deep nose dive… shortly before hearing somepony in the background shout ‘Superhero Landing!’. “The reason why I’m bringing this up to you tonight is because of this story that just happened to break out earlier today.”

“A very controversial leader has decided to make his presence known for the upcoming Friendship Summit held in the Crystal Empire. The ruler of Griffonstone himself, King Avarum, has declared that he will be arriving at the event, even though most legal analysts to Princess Celestia and also Princess Twilight say that he was never actually on the guest list for the event.”

That had some of the members of the audience, and even the special guests, look back at Discord in surprise as he took the chance to reply back. “So basically… You’re telling me that a overgrown walking feather duster just decided to invite himself into the castle at the Crystal Empire for more than just to clean every dusty shelf or frame that seems out of place?” An image of the King looking like a feather duster a made would use, but much bigger than the size of the maid itself. “That is just beyond me…… but here’s the thing. There’s more to this king than meets the eye and tonight, we’re actually going to talk about not just the king, but also the country of Griffonstone in itself and the state to which it’s in. Which is the reason for why this appearance is seen as controversial to the point that it makes what Blueblood had done for all these years look like child's play.” That, to the audience, caught their attention rather quickly. Including the image of Prince Blueblood looking rather shocked and startled to the point that he was scared out of his life.

“So let’s start with the actual country of Griffonstone… A place that most ponies know so little about… that’s it. End of sentence,” The spirit of chaos addressed, before mentioning something else. “Which is surprising… because Griffonstone is the closest neighbor that we have across the sea in the Hyperborean mountains and is also one of Equestria’s prime trading partners. Yet, if you actually go there… like when two of Princess Twilight’s friends went to go solve a friendship problem, this is what they saw.”

The next clip showed Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash trotting into Griffonstone… noticing that a lot of the kingdom was not only an entire mess, but any of the griffons that looked like decent normal ponies… were complete jerks who would want nickel and dime you each time you needed help with something. “Yes. The first time you think of Griffonstone, it may make someponies think of Toll Roads used to speed up travel in between cities for a small fee. Only in this case, the ones who are managing the roads are assholes, they inflate the toll for each moment that you are breathing and standing in Griffonstone and when they hand you the bill, they force you to pay up and it may leave a big burning hole in your savings account.” That was followed by an image of Rainbow looking all shocked and horrified the moment she saw a bill she needed to pay worth 100,000 bits… even though the normal toll would be actually 100.

“But it’s important here to point out that not all griffons are straight up jerks… in fact, if you remember Gabby from our second episode, you may recall this.”

“My father wasn’t really so optimistic about the ways of ponies or me coming to Ponyville in the first place. But I can’t just sit around in Griffonstone waiting for my life purpose to come to me. Instead, I thought that I needed to find it on my own and the only way I can do that was by coming here.”

“That… is not only heartfelt… but also very emotional…” Discord replied, before looking at it. “Because most recently, when we talking to her in preparation for this piece, we found out more about her father… and also found out what happened to him. His name was Gabriel and a long time ago, the feather duster of a king in which you saw earlier ordered a crackdown on those he defined as, and I quote, ‘a dagger pointed at the kingdom’s throat and must be destroyed’. This lead to several guards finding him, restraining him, beating him to the ground and just leaving him there to die. All in front of her and her grandfather, Gruff, who we had the chance to talk to most recently and this is what he said happened when he tried to tell the guards.”

“There were two of them there… just hurting and slowly killing him in front of his daughter no less. I turned to the first soldier and told him that he was killing my son… and all they said was ‘who gives a beak?’.”

“Did the second soldier say anything?”

“Yes, I tried to tell him what he was doing was wrong and all he then said was ‘who gives a sh*t?”

Many ponies gasped in shock and horror in response to that… and Discord had to take a moment to wipe some sweat off his forehead. “Look… I know this is supposed to be for fun, but for the exception of some gardening plants that just really get on your nerve, you can’t just watch someone or something die and say who gives a sh*t,” The image that showed up in that moment showed a collection of aging roses with very sharp thorns and somepony accidentally getting a actual thorn stuck in their side because of it. “What makes this story worse is that when the two soldiers in particular actually reported back what happened, the king actually promoted them instead of discipling them. Presumably to Lieutenant ‘whatever asshole’ and Captain ‘zero bucks given’.”

A brief pause showing the guards new appointed positions and one griffon looking like he was going to flip off the public was briefly shown before the spirit of chaos took a deep breath. “And unlike here… unlike here in Equestria, where we can be able to speak freely and not worry about bad things happening… that’s not the case for those who live in Griffonstone. In fact, a recent study shows that a vast majority of the population are not only seen as under the poverty line, but severely dislike the king and some of the things he’s doing. But guess what… It’s not just the common population that disagrees with him… Just watch this clip of an interview being done with a particularly important face.”

“Would you believe that King Avarum is doing the right thing for his people and for Griffonstone right now?”

“…… No. He may think that he’s actually doing the right thing and have the emotional intelligence to support that… but I don’t believe that my father is doing the right thing. Too many Griffons have been hurt because of all the things that he’s doing and I think when the two Ponies from Equestria visited the kingdom… it was a major wake up call for the griffon kingdom.”

Several gasps ran over the crowd for a moment as Discord tried to put up a paw and ask for the audience to hold their excitement. Then, he spoke. “You’re not going to believe this, but that is actually Jakob, the Prince of Griffonstone… speaking about his father almost like what would happen if you asked Luna or Celestia about Blueblood if he was allowed to rule for a day. Also… emotional intelligence? That sounds like a made up quality that you would find on a charter school report card run by Fleur De Lis.” Shortly afterwards, while the crowd was laughing, Discord had an image of a section on an imaginary report card called ‘Emotional Intelligence’ show up as he changed his vocal appearance to sound like that of the model. “Oh wow, Avy! For emotional intelligence, you got a smiling bunny! A bunny!! Yet, for actual intelligence, you got a frowning elephant, which is an F. An F, Avy. Let’s turn that frown upside down.”

That even got to the point where Rainbow in the crowd was laughing her flank off along with Pinkie Pie as Discord tried to have everyone settle down for a moment before he was able to go on. “Jakob himself agrees that his father isn’t doing the best for the country, but it’s not fully because he’s an asshole. There’s also a secondary reason for it and that is the fascination that King Avarum has for the ‘Lost Treasure of Griffonstone’. Something in which almost sounds like it was taken out of a manuscript for a Daring Do book long before AK Yearling’s retirement.” That was followed by what appeared to be a fake cover for a Daring Do book called ‘Daring Do and the Lost Treasure of Griffonstone’. “But to many ponies surprise… this is definitely real. And don’t take it from me… take it from one of the other griffons that came to Equestria named Gilda, who decided to come here after she learned that Friendship was worth more than money.”

“Back in the day and age of King Grover, many of the griffons were once as greedy as dragons. But they were united by the king and the relic that he used to unite the people called the idol of boreas and had Griffonstone become a glorious king. However, around the time of King Guto fourteen generations later, the relic was stolen by a monster named Arimaspi and that’s where everything fell apart. Guto was shamed, forced out as king and the city began to decline as well.”

“Yes, the main reason why Griffonstone has been in such a decline is because the one thing that gave the Griffons a united sense of purpose has gone missing. It’s almost similar to what happened to Princess Celestia during Nightmare Moon’s return… only this time, the main symbol of importance is still nowhere to be found,” That had most ponies laughing at that. But not entirely Celestia as she continued to watch her. “Now… you may all be wondering… how does this exactly relate to Avarum? Well, I’ll let Gilda explain the reason for that as well.”

“Throughout his whole ‘term’ as the enacting king, Avarum has sent numerous parties towards the Abysmal Abyss in order to try and find the idol. Instead of using the personal wealth that he has in order to try and fix the way things are now, he’s been funding expeditions to search for it and placed very stupid bans on things that are just part of normal everyday life in Equestria. Like Singing.”

“And what happened to those who do go on those expeditions? Where are they now?” The audience could hear Discord ask Gilda. However, her next response caught everyone off guard.

“They’re dead.”

Almost everyone gasped in response to that. Including Discord for that matter. “Holy sh*t. You wouldn’t normally expect that kind of a cold response from anypony at all… Except of course, for Maud Pie when you’re asking her about her progress on handling a rodent infestation,” The draconequus added as he had his voice changed to sound like Maud shortly after asking a question and showed Maud in what looked like a fumigation suit. “How is it going with the mouse problem? Are you getting them to relocate- ‘They’re dead.’ Okay, no need to ask anymore on that!”

Then Discord pointed out something else that was incredibly stupid. “Also… banning singing? That’s the most stupidest excuse I’ve heard of for a ban of any kind at all. I think that the griffons would only care about what the hell is going on in Griffonstone if the king decides to one day put a ban on griffon scones. I would guarantee you that there would be riots in the streets if they had bans on the one treat that gives griffons any meaning to their lives.” The picture changed to a random griffon armed to the beak with captions that read ‘GIVE ME MY F***ING GRIFFIN SCONES!!!’ Which, caught a lot of the audience by surprise and also got some other members of the audience laughing.

After the noise died down a little, Discord then got back to speaking. “So, to recap on what we got so far… We got a king who’s delusional on what’s right and wrong, him chasing a dream of uniting the people and only getting everything in Griffonstone back in order when he finds the idol and not get off his lazy ass to do something right… Yet, how does it impact here? Well… let me put it like this,” He said, putting up an image of what looks like a home for a moment. “First, picture the pony that is your neighbor… now, imagine that same neighbor having a complete and utter jackass of a coltfriend who doesn’t have them be productive, listen to his every demands and even forbids any single thing that she may use to get through on a daily basis. Now, picture Griffonstone as the neighbor… and the king as the jackass coltfriend.”

That image then showed the house, the neighbor… and what looked like a ponyshop altered photo of the King looking like a complete and utter jerk. “Now, as most ponies would tell you… if they saw a problem like this, they would speak out and try to tell them what they thought of them… Yet, here’s the thing… Remember when I told you that ban earlier on singing? It turns out that there’s now a law that forbids anypony who lives in Griffonstone or travels there to talk bad at the king or face severe punishments… and it’s really hard to not talk bad about him when he openly does that about us. Just listen to this as he arrived in Baltimare this morning.”

“That alicorn, Celestia I think it was, must be really busy if she has the time to eat cake so often and look the way she does. It must be the same with the other princesses too.”

That had the whole crowd stop what they were doing and gasp in shock as Discord picked it up from there. “Hey! Do you even realize who the hell you’re talking about here!? You’re talking about a princess who can easily lift up the sun with her magic, one who could banish your ass to the moon, one whose royal guard husband would want to punch you so hard that he’ll break your beak and the student of Celestia, who at one point was able to stand up to Lord Tirek and turn an entire meadow into a burning crater. All, who in which… are actually our special guests this evening and were sitting in the front row seats along with the rest of Twilight’s friends, Spike and Starlight.” The camera soon turned to show each one of them as they waved hello, despite the fact that there was a bunch of tension in the room as the camera turned back around. “Your words could be seen as a freaking declaration of war here, your majesty. My advice… don’t piss off everypony!!! Also… #DontPissOffEverypony.”

More laughter emerged from the audience, shortly before everyone calmed down a bit so Discord could prepare his final statements. “Listen… Griffonstone, I know that your country deserves better… but to be honest. You can’t exactly have it both ways. You can’t just allow for people to come travel over here and be like ‘notice me!’ only to tell those who come to your country not to say anything about them or anything that would seem upsetting or have any stupid bans on singing. You’re a country, not Shia LeHoof,” The next image showed a stallion in the acting business with a bag over his head saying ‘I’m not famous anymore’ as he is walking down a red carpet. “Yet… I find it a little surprising that the king himself is saying that everything is fine back home while he’s on that trip… So let’s check in and see if everything is truly fine.”

With the next tidbit, it went to a hidden camera that was placed at Griffonstone… and what was shown there really caught everyone off guard. Including the fact that some of the Griffons were holding signs that read ‘Griffon Lives Matter’ and they were chanting ‘No Justice, no Peace! No Freedom, no peace! No Equality, No Peace!’ and the last part of it being ‘No scones, no peace!!’. All in which, caught off guard as Discord looked back at the camera. “Wait… I thought the King said everything was fine! What the f*ck is going on in order to insight this kind of a riot?!”

“Breaking News out of Griffonstone, where many of the civilians here are outraged over Avarum's decision to inflate the price of griffon scones here by 300% in order to pay for his trip to the Friendship summit.”

“Dear Luna, is this guy NUTS!?!” The Draconequus then spoke up. “You had ONE job, King. One! And you still managed to buck it up somehow……” That caused the entire crowd to laugh uncontrollably as Discord himself soon picked up from where he left off. “And to be fair here… Gilda originally told me that Griffonstone didn’t actually have a king after what happened with Guto. So basically, the role of king itself had been vacant for years and Avarum himself even once claimed that he had the bloodline of royals in his ancestry, only for a historian to debunk that. And I believe that we both had handled a previous case here where somepony says one thing, but what they mean turns out to be completely different.” That was illustrated by when he put an image of both Blueblood and Avarum side by side one another.

“But wait… it’s gets even worse… Look what happened at the initial meeting of the Friendship Summit earlier today,” That was followed by a clip of Prince Blueblood actually meeting the griffon leader and getting to the point that they were even shaking hoof and talon. Causing multiple ponies in the audience to gasp and for Discord to almost have his head slam on his desk. “Oh Celestia have mercy… So we have the adopted prince with no royal bloodline connections whatsoever… meeting the king with no royal bloodlines whatsoever. I’m personally surprised that their hoofshake did not create a vortex of concentrated evil that did not drag all of ponykind, griffonkind and everyone else into a gaping maw of eternal darkness.”

That was followed by an image of both ponies and griffons alike getting drawn into what looked like a black hole like it was a doomsday action movie. “Now… to recap… we already addressed the problems here in Griffonstone. But there is one thing that we have not discussed… what are we going to do?” Taking a deep breath, he then said something to his audience that… caught a majority of them by surprise. “You know what? Let me rephrase that question. What does the audience think we should do? Because if this was a situation involving your closest neighbor, shouldn’t you have the chance to say something to them?”

“Obviously!” One of the ponies in the crowd called out. “They need basic rights! To be treated fairly and equally under the law!”

“They need to declare their freedom and independence. Griffonstone is likely fed up with how irresponsible this guy is acting!” Another one spoke up as Twilight and her own friends soon saw some more ponies spoke up. Issuing out their thoughts as Discord looked at them.

“Alright alright… all of you have a lot to say, but is there anything you want to suggest on what we can do?” Discord then asked… only for all of them to see two griffons emerge from the corner of the room.

It was Gabby and Gilda. And with both of them standing next to each other. “Now that you mention it… We have an announcement to make. We heard all of your suggestions and your demands… and we are having them be part of a new declaration of independence for griffons.”

“One that we want to call… Gabriel’s dream.” Gabby then announced, which made many ponies cheer for them. “My father wanted for all griffons to be free and equal like everypony here and because of you, tonight, we are making that happen!”

“Three cheers for Gabby and Gilda!” Discord declared, followed by three verses of ‘Hip hip, Hooray!’ as confetti began to fall down from the ceiling. “That’s our show tonight!! Thank you for making this dream come true for Gabby, Gilda and to all griffons everywhere! Goodnight!!”

Meanwhile…

“Umm… Mr. Avarum sir?” One of the ponies that was monitoring the delegate hall for the Friendship Summit spoke up in order to get the attention of the Griffon leader while he was speaking with that of Prince Blueblood. “Is it just me… or is there an angry mob outside with torches and pitchforks?”

“What exactly are you talking about?” The griffon king asked as he went to a window. Outside, he could see ponies, griffons, changelings and other walks of life outside, some of them holding signs and torches as they were chanting one single phrase that soon began to echo through his mind.

“Gabriel’s dream!! Gabriel’s dream! Gabriel’s dream!!!”

Naturally… he only had one response to that. “Oh feathers…”

Author's Note

Whoops! Almost forgot to put the Authors notes here. Anyways, with the presence of another Friendship Summit on the horizon, Discord decides to take on the topic of Griffonstone... and the self imposed king that runs the place. To the extent in which he even pisses off his own people. With that in mind. Enjoy!
-Frost

Episode 11: Miss Equestria Pageant

Author's Note

So yes... after looking at the statistics and the amount of views for the last episode, Discord decided that it would be best to tackle the one thing that got more views than his show in order to answer one main question... How is this still a thing?
-Frost

P.S. Expect a new one shot story in the EQG verse sometime tomorrow or so. That is all

Episode 11: Miss Equestria Pageant

Even with the success involving Griffonstone last week and the fact that not only did it give the civilians in Griffonstone hope, but it also soon lead to the king stepping down from his position of power, his son Jakob becoming the griffons newfound leader and to them having the declaration that was called ‘Gabriel’s dream’ becoming the new set of laws and the country's constitution, the spirit of chaos was still surprised by one thing. Last week, his program was only the second most viewed show on last sunday and the one that actually topped the charts was something that he did not know a thing about… but also was rather curious about it.

And knowing that Rarity herself sometimes helps out for these kinds of events made it all the more reason for him to visit one of Fluttershy’s friends this afternoon as he soon knocked on the door to the carousel boutique. When the unicorn herself opened it up, she was rather surprised to see Discord in front of the door ever so politely. “Oh, why hello there Discord. I wasn’t really expecting anypony this afternoon.”

“Good to see you too, Rarity.” The draconequus greeted her as he looked inside. “May I come in?”

For a moment, Rarity just stared at him… bewildered. Not knowing why he would go through all the trouble of trying to be polite with her of all ponies. She knew that Discord had a habit of just appearing out of nowhere unannounced, but this was exactly the opposite. “Why sure, come on in,” she replied, welcoming the spirit of chaos into her home as she turned to the kitchen. “Is there I can get for you?”

“Actually… I would like to ask for your help on something.” That almost had the fashionista stop in place. Bewildered once again. Not only was he asking for help, but doing so politely? It almost made Rarity think that the real Discord was switched out with a completely different one just by how he was acting.

“You… need my help?”

“Why yes actually… I was trying to find some information on something that involved fashion and clothes for my next topic and I thought the best pony to talk about it with would be you.” That seemed… legitimate, but it also made Rarity wish that Applejack was somehow here in order to tell if the Draconequus was lying or not.

“Well, if you insist… But if I may ask… what is it specifically that you are trying to find out more about?” The unicorn asked, causing Discord to chuckle a little bit.

“Well, it all started around last monday when looking at the ratings for the episode I invited you and the girls to come watch. Along with the princesses of course…”

By the time that the conversation between Discord and Rarity was finished, both of them found out a lot more about the topic at hoof than they originally anticipated… and felt like they bit off a lot more than they can chew when they began looking into it. But soon, Discord had found what he was looking for, and even was able to get some additional advice on the suits that he would wear when doing these broadcasts. So, as he was getting the preparations in place for this episode as he began to think over what he was going to say.

So, after the brief opening sequence, he dived right into the next topic. “I would like to talk to you about last week. Now if you recall… last week, this show made some big discoveries during the events of the Friendship Summit and that of Griffonstone. And yet… despite everypony paying attention and watching this show here… something else happened yet again that got more attention than the Friendship Summit and this show combined. It’s an annual event that onepony would attention too if you can stand their overdramatic advertising or this for that matter.”

“Get ready for the fashion, the lip gloss… the blood, sweat and sequins.”

“Mares and Gentlestallions, please welcome your Miss Equestria Semi-finalists!! And just several of the beautiful mares up here on stage this evening! Beautiful!!”

Which, of course, was followed by Discord attempting to impersonate the judge in the last part of the clip. “Beautiful!! And just to remind the audience at home, I am a fully grown stallion dressed in a tuxedo and walking in front of a bunch of mares in swimwear and dresses waiting to be judged! Beautiful I say!!” Which got the crowd to laugh rather hard and also cheer a little as Discord got back to sitting upright for the camera. “Yes, last sunday, just before we were doing our show I might add, was the annual Miss Equestria pageant. It’s one of those events that when you watch it for fifteen minutes… makes you think… How the buck is this still happening?”

The crowd laughed at that in response as he looked back at the crowd for a moment. “Now, most ponies here might know a thing about this beauty contest and how long they’ve been around, especially when back in the day, they actually judged a contestant’s competition based on a number scale,” That was followed with a brief black and white video segment where it explained how each part was different points. “Which, incidentally… when you’re talking like that, it sounds like you’re speaking Horse Code to one another about which mares they might get ‘lucky’ with.” Discord finished, doing some air quotes when he said the word lucky before looking back at the crowd for a moment and then picking up from there.

“Yet… even though this has been around for awhile, the only thing that draws attention to it nowadays is when somepony just happens to show you something like this from a couple years back.”

“I believe that our education and such like in Saddle Arabia and in Hoofington and everywhere like such as and… I believe that they should… I believe that our education over here in Equestria should help Equestria- I mean Saddle Arabia and Hoofington-” That was followed by a bell like sound heard in the background, even though the contestant was still speaking. “And we should be able to help them and Puerto Caballo.”

Some of the crowd was laughing on the contestant’s mix ups, but some in the crowd were rather confused as to what exactly they just watched. “Now to be fair… her question was… can she sound like a dictionary and thesaurus thrown into a spinning Dizzitron 5000.” The image of the same contraption from Wonderbolt Academy and also two books spinning in there with pages flying everywhere had the crowd laughing again as Discord took a deep breath. “Personally, I think she nailed that…”

That had the draconequus then speak up a little. “It’s easy to make fun of pageant contestants sometimes when they happen to mess up in their responses to questions or their routines on stage, but when I asked for Rarity’s help on this, both of us were completely surprised by two things. So… let me ask you what sounds really crazier? The fact that contestants sometimes give stupid answers… or the fact that they are always asked stupid questions?”

“It has been rumored that the equestrian government has been trying to figure out how to acquire records from those who use payphones. Do you think this is a breach of personal privacy?”

“What is so hot, it’s cool, but it’s so cool it’s hot?”

“If there were an international incident in which individuals from a foreign country had detained hostages, Equestria’s policy is to ‘not leave anypony behind’. Would you be willing to trade the lives of prisoners in Tartarus that have committed heinous crimes to uphold this policy?”

That had Discord looking at his audience in complete and utter confusion as he just facepalmed himself. “Just… what? Personally, I think I can agree with Prince Blueblood facepalming in the background there,” The image from the last question soon had everything darken out around where it showed the adopted Prince. “Because I really doubt that if a hostage situation were to happen, it could be solved with a model from Califoalnia and a pony whose moustache looks like it was drawn in by colts drawing squiggles with crayons.”

As the audience laughed at the image of Fleur De Lis drawing in Fancy Pant’s moustache was shown on screen., shortly before Discord did raise up a talon for a moment as snap his fingers as he made a toaster appear on his desk. “Although, let me do make it clear and that second question actually does have an answer,” With that, the toaster soon popped out a pair of glazed pastries as he looked at the crowd. “And that is poptarts.” He snacked on them for a couple of moments, before throwing them and the toaster in the background and having them explode into pink smoke. “Now, if you have been paying attention to the pageant or just tuning in, let me be clear that they don’t do this entire thing for sh*yay*t’s and giggles. And the ponies running the show say that’s it’s supposed to be for more than just looks.”

“This is a scholarship pageant.”

“Miss Equestria funds Scholars all across Equestria!”

“It’s hard to think that they’re the largest provider of scholarships for mares on the planet.”

“It may be easy to mistake this for a beauty pageant, but this is a scholarship pageant. That’s what Miss Equestria is.”

Yet, despite what was seen here, Discord was personally not convinced. “Riiiiiight, because you need to see them in dresses and swimwear because the intelligence in the brain is being presented by what they’re wearing on their body. That must be the reason…” With him rolling his eyes, he then went back to the topic that he was talking about. “It must also be the reason why if you actually call their headquarters, you get an answering machine message like this.”

“Thank you for calling the Miss Equestria Organization. The nation's number one provider of Scholarships for Mares.”

Discord personally blinked at that, looking bewildered like how Rarity was when he had met with her earlier in the week. “Okay, that is suspiciously defensive straight out the gate. It’s like you hear Princess Twilight say ‘Hello and welcome to this ordinary castle that is definitely not a place to perform crazy scientific forth grade interdimensional warpf*ckery! Welcome!!’.” It didn’t help that the image that corresponded with that had Twilight dressed in a labcoat and had glasses on while also having her doll, Smarty Pants, strapped down to what looked like an operating table. “Just don’t press her science button, that’s all I’m saying…”

Soon though, Discord got back around to what he was talking about. “So if… just if it is actually true that they offer scholarships to mares… then that’s a little bit weird. Because it doesn’t provide those scholarships for all mares… just those that compete in their pageants. And when Rarity and I got our hands/hooves on one of their applications, we were both equally uphauled by some of the requirements that they ask for…” That had some of the audience sound confused as he pulled out what looked like a small packet that was a scholarship. “Because not only do you need to prove to them that you are not married or planning to get married, but you also need to prove to them that you’re currently not pregnant… and have never been one. Those sound more like questions that intrude on personal boundaries to the point that Rarity wouldn’t hesitate to smack you with a forehoof and knock your teeth out with that mean right hook of hers!”

That was followed by a picture of Rarity punching some drunken stallion that was getting in her personal space as some of the stallions teeth was seen flying everywhere. “And yet, a lot of these questions seem utterly meaningless, but they insist that these questions are necessary. Which would seem true if the ponies who are judging are those who speak in code and think they have a chance of getting to second base with one of them after the show,” The draconequus told them, before adding something else as some light laughter was heard in the background. “But these guys don’t just say they’re the biggest… they back this up with numbers. Just watch this years host say it for herself.”

“We’re Equestria's number one scholarship program for mares in the country with over forty five million bits made available annually.”

At that point, everyone was caught off guard by that. To the point that a lot of ponies in the crowd were rather suspicious of that statement. “Yeah… I can agree with everypony in tonight's audience. That is an unbelievable amount of bits… and by that I mean I actually don’t believe you. Hearing that over and over leaves you with the kind of number that literally rattles around inside your head, driving you crazy.” The image of the number ‘45,000,000’ was seen chasing around what looked like Discord’s brain inside his head.

“Which, for instance, may make you wonder… how can you possibly find out more about their program?”

“Find out more by calling the Miss Equestria Foundation or by visiting our website at MissEquestriaFoundation.org.”

Discord then pointed to the freeze frame image of the hosts saying that as he began to speak up. “And that right there is how this whole craziness began… Because when Rarity and I tried to look into that, we found that the ‘about us’ section on their page had the first three words be… ‘We Fun Scholars’. Which kind of undermines the point of their message if the scholars they provide for can’t use proper grammar.” A lot of ponies laughed in the audience at that contradiction as Discord paused for a few seconds while preparing his next statement. “But it was while looking on there that Rarity and I found out that the Miss Equestria and it’s foundation are registered non-profits, meaning that they need to file public tax forms. So, what we were looking for was that magic number that those hosts keep trying to say all the time to hypnotize us with at forty five million.”

That was followed by the image of the hosts from this years pageant trying to use a spinning dial to hypnotize the crowd and believe in what they say. “Yet… what the both of us found was beyond shocking… because when we asked for some help from Princess Twilight and her treasury advisor Filthy Rich in order to look it over with us, we found something much crazier instead.” The Draconequus replied, before showing the math on screen. “Around three years ago, we learned that Miss Equestria only spent under five hundred thousand bits on their scholarship program. And at this point… I think some of the students in Equestria’s charter school can say that’s a forty four and a half million bit difference!!”

Discord took a deep breath after that as he waited for the laughter from the last part die down. “So… at this point, we had two options. One, say to ourselves… ‘sure, the numbers don’t really add up. But it’s only Miss Equestria, let alone a beauty pageant so who really gives a sh*yay*t?’” That had the crowd laugh a bit just as they got to the second choice. “Or two… the four of us can try to pull the tax forms from every competition ever held by them across the country because at this point, the subject was driving all of us f*cking insane!!” The audience did not actually expect though… for him to snap his talon and have a humongous stack of papers soon pile up on his desk as Discord heard every one of the cheering. “It’s been a very weird week… and don’t take it from me. Take it from two of the ponies that helped me out with this… who just happen to be here with me tonight! Please welcome Princess Twilight Sparkle and the fashionista herself, Ms. Rarity!!”

With that, both ponies actually trotted onto the stage and soon took up their seats next to Discord as they waved hello at the audience. “Thank you for having us here, Discord.” Rarity spoke up as she and her friend looked towards the draconequus.

“No no, thank you for joining us this evening,” He insisted. “Now… would either of you like to share how we tried working on this?”

“Well,” Princess Twilight spoke up, trying to take initiative. “We all tried contacting every city across Equestria that has held local and citywide pageants and were able to get roughly thirty three sets of paperwork from them. Yet, when we looked at it, and also generally assumed what the outcome would be for every other event we didn’t get, the amount of bits that was given to scholars in total was MUCH less than what they are claiming.”

“And that amount was?” Discord asked.

“Under four million bits…” The Princess replied, causing the entire crowd to gasp as she turned to the camera. “And remember, this is an organization that is claiming this…”

“-forty five million bits made available annually.”

“And with that, I think everybody else can agree with me when I say… How the BUCK is this possible!?!” Twilight snapped, looking way too confused. “I think you are just as confused as well Discord.”

“I surely am, how the f*yay* is this even possible!?!” The draconequus replied, before all of them turned to the camera. “So… in our collective frustration and realizing that we were in way too deep, we tried calling them again and that’s when we all heard this.” Five seconds after that, Discord pointed to the ceiling and that’s when the same audio snippet from before played once again.

‘Thank you for calling the Miss Equestria Organization. The nation's number one provider of Scholarships for Mares.’

“And the key term that all of soon collectively realized in that sentence the second time around was the word provider,” Discord started speaking, before letting Rarity actually pick it up from there and begin explaining. “Some schools offer specific scholarships and opportunities directly to Pageant contestants, yet the thing is… Miss Equestria counts all of them, not just ones that they could physically take.”

Which was soon picked up by Discord once again. “So for instance, Miss Filly-delphia’s organization offers scholarships to just these four schools,” That was followed by seeing the logos of four high level universities that were stationed around Filly-delphia and that the value of each of them are added up together. Despite the fact that she’s only going to attend ONE of those schools at most, she’s not going to attend all four of them at the same time unless she tries cloning herself and the last time that happened was when Ponyville had a stampede of pink run through the entire town!!”

That had the whole crowd laugh in response and cheer as Discord tried to calm them down. “Furthermore… furthermore… Miss Califoalnia, the sponsor of the PR major who was asked the question that made Blueblood and I agree on something oddly enough,” The draconequus added, as well as show the image of Blueblood facehooving himself in the process. “Has said to provide over two point four million bits to just one particular school in the area of San Franciscolt. And I believe I’ll let Twilight pick it up from there.”

“Thank you Discord,” She acknowledge him before looking at the crowd. “So yes, Miss Califoalnia has said to provide that many bits to one school, Pacific University… which, at this point, blew all of our minds and that of Filthy Rich. Because receiving that much bits from a beauty contest organization may make it sound like the prettiest school in all of Equestria!” That was followed by seeing images of ponies from Miss Equestria walk down a school hallway like it was a catwalk carrying school bags and pencils.

Then… came the shocking part. “But when we contacted the University, it turns out that Miss Equestria got to that amount by multiplying the value of the scholarship by twenty four, the amount of contestants that were in the pageant that could theoretically accept it.” That had almost all of the crowd gasp in shock, stunned by the revelation. “Even though the number of actual contestants who did accept it… was actually WAY less than that.”

And once again, Discord picked it back up as all three of them looked back at the camera. “Twilight is right on that. The number of contestants who did accept it… and you are not going to believe this at all… was zero.” The image on the screen that showed the original calculations for the scholarship was then changed to have the amount of the scholarship to be multiplied by zero, which ultimately lead to the final result being zero. “Meaning that the money that they ‘provided’ and the money that they awarded was… ALL of the money they provided!”

At that point, Discord snapped his fingers, having all the paper on the desk disappear for a moment as he looked back at the camera. “And at this point, we were about almost midway through the week and we were running on numerous pots of coffee in order to stay awake. But at this point, two things are clear here… one, that the Miss Equestria Foundation provide WAY less than what they claim and two, they keep on saying this…”

“The Miss Equestria Foundation is the leading overall provider of scholarships for mares all across the planet.”

“And unfortunately, as we all hatefully have to admit right now, they’re right. Because their lowest number is still higher than any other organization. Many in which, you can donate too,” Discord pointed out, before adding something else that both Rarity and Twilight were caught off guard by. “But there is one other thing that isn’t really openly stated by Miss Equestria that is on their site and that is potential internship opportunities. Once again, these opportunities are open for pageant contestants along with those who want to seek a career in the sewing and/or modeling industry. However, an internal audit conducted by the Canterlot Intelligence Agency revealed that most interns for these specific fields are tasked with doing errands and other things that they might not feel is right or lose that job. Rarity, would you happen to remember this from some time back?”

“This is the first place for Fashion week. With my name on it! But I thought I lost!”

“You didn't. You won. Suri was hoping that if you didn't claim your prize, the judges would consider it a forfeit and first place would go to her. So she lied to make you and your friends go away, and, well, I lied too.”

Rarity just looked at Discord, a bit caught off guard by seeing that. “Yes, I remember Coco Pommel. She quit working for Suri and I offered for her to come work for me.”

Discord smiled at that. “Yeah, that is true. Though, when I looked at the list of the ponies that work with Miss Equestria to provide opportunities, Ms. Polomare’s name was on that list and Coco at the time was an intern. She was threatened with the loss of her job if she didn’t comply, so she quit and decided to tell the truth. I found it out from her just recently while preparing for this show.”

That surprised not just Rarity and Twilight, but also everypony else in the crowd… and left Twilight with one particular question in mind. “Would you care to know anypony else on that same list?”

“Well, the list was a big one, but it also included a few of the ponies that were judges on the competition that you had Applejack judge… which, incidentally included a stallion with a three shaded mane, short tail and triangle tip glasses that looked like he stepped out of the 80’s.” That was followed by an image of the pony named Starstreak looking like he was stepping out of a time traveling carriage after he went back to the future. “Though, the thing that I’m personally not liking from this guy is some of the false hopes he tells his interns.”

“Oh really, dear?” Rarity asked. “What’s your proof?”

“Well, do you remember that model that he had with him at the time? The one with the purple mane and red eyes?” Discord asked as he held up an image. “He had promised her that he would give her the chance to not only meet with you, but also talk with you. Both things never happened and the only chance she had of seeing you… was for ten seconds. I mean… who would give somepony false hopes, only to have their dreams crushed right in front of their eyes? That mare saw Rarity as her idol and she got denied the chance of meeting her! That’s like being told you’re going to get the chance to meet Princess Celestia, only to find a cardboard cutout in the next room.” That itself even had an image for it where there was a before and after shot. First, a pony thinking that they’re going to get the chance of meeting the Princess, only to be met with a cardboard cutout.

“That…… is a really valid point right there,” Twilight spoke up. Even though she hated to admit it, something like that was rather messed up. “But how are we going to fix something like this, given all that we know?”

That… has Rarity soon chime in and speak in melancholy. “IDEA!!! Perhaps the best way to get their attention… is to speak to them in the way that they happen to value the most.”

That… got Discord thinking for a moment as he scratched his chin… shortly before speaking up. “Hunh… I like where this is going… twenty second conversations with mares in evening dresses and sashes… That seems like the only thing they truly value at this point… I think I know just what we need to do now!”

That though… just confused Twilight even more. “Uh… you do?”

“Why of course!!” Discord proclaimed, before looking to Rarity. “Come with me, my dear! We got some work to do!” With that, both of them walked off the set for a minute, startling Twilight beyond belief and also some of the other members of the audience. Shortly before the lighting turned to the other half of the stage as they all now saw a new banner hanging from the ceiling.

The Miss Last Week Tonight in Ponyville Pageant, Hosted by Discord and Rarity!

“O-oh dear…”

“Welcome, welcome everypony to the Miss Last Week Tonight in Ponyville Pageant, hosted by yours truly,” Discord announced as he gestured towards both himself and Rarity. “And just as a reminder, this is a scholarship pageant where our contestants, and our contestants only can receive over 40 million bits in 1 bit scholarships and they are only allowed to have just one!”

“Now, let’s begin the events this evening with bringing out our first contestant,” Rarity took the chance to speak now as she looked at the audience. “Ms. First Contestant!!” It turns out, the first contestant they were referring to… was actually the same pony that was supposedly the model of Starstreak in a beautiful navy colored dress that looked like flowing ocean waves. And when she was asked to come on stage and saw Rarity, she almost broke down into tears because she was able to finally meet the one pony that really inspired her to pursue this career.

“Welcome, welcome! You look absolutely marvelous in that dress, darling!” Rarity commented as the model came on stage.

“Why t-thank you. I-it’s an honor to finally have the chance to meet you in person, Ms. Rarity!” The young pony replied back, while Discord was shuffling a few cards in his hand in preparation for what came next.

“Here you go Rarity.” Discord commented, handing a card to Rarity as she grabbed it with her levitation spell.

“Are you ready for your question, darling?” She asked, which lead to the model nodding her head as she began to read off the question that’s on the card. “Question 1… What does the continued existence of the Miss Equestria Pageant say about how mares and females in general are viewed in Equestria? You have twenty seconds.”

“For as long as we can remember and throughout history, the perception of ladies in Equestria has been rather complex and fluid,” At that point, there was twelve seconds left on the timer and the crowd laughed at that single statement. “While it is possible that the foundation for Miss Equestria could evolve into an full time scholarship organization, it is highly unlikely given the fact that the swimwear portion of the contest still exists and that I’m only allowed to answer any given questions in under twenty seconds.”

And just as she finished her statement, the timer for the countdown clock went off. Which prompted Discord and the rest of the crowd to clap and cheer for her. Which is followed by something else as she walked off to the side as Discord looked at the crowd. “Very well done… and now to our final contestant tonight. The spectral daredevil of the Wonderbolts herself. Rainbow Dash!” Everyone in the audience soon cheered as the pegasus walked out on stage in the same dress that she wore at the Gala as she waved hello at the guests and then turned to Discord. “Now… for your question Rainbow… when providing access to Scholarships, is there any place whatsoever for the judgement of a mare’s body?”

The follow up response to that… was something that threw the audience… and Discord himself in a loop. “Oh I have no problem with that at all.”

“Wait what? You… Rainbow Dash… are fine with this?”

“I have no problem whatsoever… as long as Stallions and also you are subjected to the same demeaning procedure. Let me show you how. Soarin, come out here!” That was something that Discord did not prepare for in advance as the stallion soon walked up right next to Discord from the other end of the set. He didn’t know that Soarin, one of the other ace flyers of the Wonderbolts was accompanying her… or the fact that he would end up in this current situation.

“What? I-. Wait, sh*t, I never prepared for this…” Discord muttered, before Rainbow Dash was looking at both of them and scratching her chin with an outstretched wing. “Uh, what are you doing?”

“I’m judging you as a host compared to Soarin,” Rainbow Dash then said. “Now walk down that runway and no funny business.” The draconequus almost lost his footing in response as he strode down the aisle at the same time that Soarin was trotting down the aisle too. As they were coming back, they soon looked back at Rainbow, Rarity and the model that was the first contestant as they all talked to one another for a few moments with Twilight soon joining in a few seconds later. It didn’t help though that while they were walking, Soarin opened up his suit jacket and had it blowing in the wind as they were walking back.

“Come on now, Rainbow. This whole thing can’t entirely be about looks.” Discord tried to protest as he looked back at her.

“Why of course not, darling. That’s only twenty percent of your total score,” Rarity soon spoke up, before looking at both of them. “Now, we give this one to Soarin because… frankly, he wins on muscle mass, legs, wings, body composition and the most important piece, construction of the head.”

“Okay, okay, I think I get your point.” Discord tried to intervene, before Rainbow them spoke up.

“Wait just a minute, pal. Let me tell you why you have a lower score,” Dash replied now. “When I look at Soarin, I want to have sex with him. When I look at you, I want to have sex with Soarin.”

“Oh come on, really!? I’m a good person now!” Discord said, before looking at Soarin, who was just shrugging.

“Yes really… You know what, I’m calling it,” Twilight soon chimed in. “Soarin wins!”

“What-? No! This is messed up! I feel horrible about myself now! Pageants are horrible!!” He said, before looking back at the camera as Soarin was soon awarded a rose bouquet and his own wonderbolt themed Tiara to go with it as he and Rainbow Dash both walked down the aisle. “That’s our show tonight! Now, if you excuse me, I think I need a tub of ice cream right around now.”

After the show’s episode was done filming, it took a little bit for Discord to be able to personally be himself again after he felt like he was being personally demoralized earlier. But by the time that morning actually came around, Discord himself got a rather surprise visit this morning from someone he didn’t expect.

“Hey uh… Discord, are you here? Fluttershy said I could find you here.” Discord turned to the door for a moment, finding none other than Spike as the dragon closed the door behind him. “How are you this morning?”

“I’m… well… okay I guess… Maybe… not entirely…” Discord told him as the memories from last night were still fresh on his mind. “Why are you here though? Wouldn’t Princess Egghead need you for something this morning?”

“Well, not really,” She replied, before looking back at Discord. “Twilight’s supposedly going on some family vacation, so she’s busy with trying to pack her things together and such.” That was followed by something in which the draconequus never expected to hear from the young dragon. “Though, I didn’t come here because of that. I came here because I heard about how you and Rarity recently were helping each other out.”

“...... Okay, how-?”

“Twilight told me.”

“Figures,” Discord grunted, before looking back at the young dragon. “So what are you here for? Coming to get on my case for how I’m stealing your waifu or something?”

“What? No! I don’t even know what that means.” Spike shot back, causing Discord to internally sigh a little. “I came here because I had an idea for something that may serve as a topic for a future episode on your show.” That… got Discord a little bit intrigued as he turned his attention back to him.

“Really?” He said, before scratching his chin. “Go on.”

“Well… I’ve been thinking about this for a while and… well, I think theres a bit of a slight disconnect when it comes to Ponies and Dragons. Think of it… I help out with Twilight and the girls all the time and some of the kinder dragons I know do the same… yet, when most ponies think of dragons, they think of them being monsters and thieves. Isn’t that… well… what’s the word?”

“Stereotypical?”

“Yes, that!” Spike said as he snapped a claw upon finally getting the name down. “So maybe you can do a future episode pointing this out… the flaws in thinking this way and also point out that not all dragons are really mean. Heck, if it helps, I’ll tell you about my time on the great dragon migration.”

That… had left Discord with just a few words to say as he pressed his paw and talons together and stretched out his fingers. “You definitely had my curiosity… but now you have my attention.”

Episode 12: Dragon Disconnect

In the mind of the Spirit of Chaos, Discord did not honestly expect for there to be such a big disconnect between how ponykind viewed other dragons and how other dragons viewed ponykind. Part of him felt split on the issue, given how he, as a draconequus, was half pony and half dragon. But after hearing Spike’s journey on the great dragon migration and also hearing about when he first met Ember after being called upon by former dragon lord Torch, he had a bit of an idea as to where he wanted to start off with this piece. But he also had Spike help him with trying to understand everything like he was actually there during the great dragon migration a couple of years ago.

So, while he was greeting everypony from his desk that night in preparation for the beginning of this piece and the camera was now on, Discord made sure that everypony in the audience was rather comfortable with everything first, before introducing the topic. “Our main story tonight is about dragons. Available in half pint, pint sized, quart size, by the gallon, and also liters.” That was followed by images of Spike and other dragons that varied in size with the last one being Torch because of how he towered over every other dragon during the Gauntlet of Fire. “Now, when most ponies nowadays think of dragons, they would think of them as greedy, selfish and also a harm to society like when this happened several years ago.”

“Listen up! Smoke is spreading over all of Equestria.” The clip being seen showed Twilight Sparkle when she was a unicorn talking with her friends inside the golden oaks library as they soon responded with gasps of shock and panic, even though Fluttershy was already trying to tell them that this was what was going on the whole time. “But don't worry, I've just received a letter from Princess Celestia informing me that it is not coming from a fire.”

“Oh thank goodness.”

“It’s coming from a dragon.”

That had everypony in the room collectively gasp in response as Fluttershy herself then said “A-a dragon?”

That was when the clip paused for a moment and Discord looked back at the audience for a moment. “And yes, when you first see that, you may think that a dragon is coming to attack Equestria and such. But, as it turned out, all it was doing was taking a nap and the smoke was coming from the dragon snoring. Yet, it’s important to note… that any attempt to try to get that dragon to move failed by Twilight and the others… and yet, the issue was resolved when Fluttershy herself, got over her fears of dragons and confronted that same dragon like this shortly after an attempt by Rainbow Dash failed tremendously.”

“How dare you... How dare you! Listen here, mister. Just because you're big doesn't mean you get to be a bully! You may have huge teeth, and sharp scales, and snore smoke, and breathe fire. But you do not-- I repeat-- You do not! Hurt! My! Friends! You got that?” That was while Fluttershy was eyeballing the dragon she was speaking too as it started to whimper a little bit. “Well?”

“But that rainbow one kicked me.” “And I am very sorry about that. But you're bigger than she is, and you should know better. You should also know better than to take a nap where your snoring can become a health hazard to other creatures.” The pegasus insisted.

“But I-”

“Don't you 'but I' me, mister.” Fluttershy interrupted him before staring at the dragon dead in the face. “Now what do you have to say for yourself? I said, what do you have to say for yourself?”

That startled Discord to the point that he even almost fell out of his chair. “H-holy sh*yay*t. I’ve never seen Fluttershy that terrifying since I accidentally mistook the meaning of ‘spring cleaning’ and tore the springs out of the sofa.” That showed Fluttershy in the same kind of attitude while Discord was wearing a maid’s costume and looked like he was using a cloth to clean the springs inside the actual couch. “I-i didn’t know that it wasn’t like this! ‘You could’ve asked me! Now, what do you have to say for yourself’?”

That had the crowd laughing even more as Discord soon cleared his throat. “Now, apart from moments like this one, all the times that you see Twilight with her assistant Spike and also when the new Dragon Lord Ember… AKA, Ms. Superhero Landing, arrived in ponyville sometime back, there seems to be a bit of a severed view when it comes to the subject of dragons in general. And this isn’t a pony specific issue. Dragons also have a bit of a severed view when it comes to their views on ponies and it leaves me… a being that’s half and half of both species being really torn on the matter. So that leaves us with tonight's subject, or what I’m calling a ‘Dragon Disconnect’.” The image that coincided with that seemed to be an image with a split silhouette down the middle. Where half of a Pony was on one side with Ponyville in the background on the left, while the other half was of a dragon with the dragon lands shown in the background on the right.

“The reason why I refer to it as a disconnect is because aside from a few exceptions on both sides of the aisle, the most basic perception in how one side views another is rather skewed,” The Draconequus explained as he then pointed to something else. “Because even though there are a lot of nice ponies… and also nice dragons… when you generally ask for somepony’s view on the situation, this is the kind of response you get.”

“Dragons? Those selfish brutes? Why would I care for them?”

“They’re greedy, self centered and really only care about themselves.”

“Who would care for someone like that which wouldn’t care for us in the same way?”

Discord had the crowd be silent for a moment as he began to speak. “Now, you may think whatever you want on those assumptions… But you have to admit that the third statement is a bit cruelly ironic for some ponies living in Canterlot right now.” That image was followed by a brief image of Blueblood while at the Gala before it changed back to the title image. “But… if you take the same question that we asked them and asked some dragons instead, this is what they have to say.”

“Those ponies aren’t anything like us! We have to fight for what we want and they just get it like a bunch of spoiled hatchlings!”

“They run with their tails in between their legs at the sign of real danger! Complete and utter cowards they are!”

At the last one, Discord paused it for a moment as he looked back at the screen. “Okay, first off… that last one was from a dragon, who personally wanted to win the gauntlet of fire for no real justified reason against ponykind whatsoever… and secondly, it’s a little hard to hear that dragon call us cowards when he probably ran all the way back to his cave so he didn’t have to hug any dragon that he happened to come across after he was ordered to do so by temporary royal decree.” The last part showed an embarrassed Garble racing to get back home alongside that of Spike when he was holding the Bloodstone Scepter in his hands. “And the most shocking thing about both of those arguments… is that both sides didn’t even know that a princess had a dragon assistant at all! It’s like not realizing that Apple Cider is pretty much Apple flavored Alcohol given how it’s always served in steins and how sometimes, you can ask for it ‘on the rocks’.”

That was shown with several images shown consistently. One of Twilight and Spike, another one of Applejack serving Cider and the last image of a pony getting an actual rock in her cider. “So here we are… We have two sides who have been around for over a thousand years… and it seems like both of them haven’t even bothered to learn about one another within that timeframe and instead listen to what they believe. But here’s the question… was it always this way?”

That had a lot of people thinking to themselves and murmuring for a moment, before Discord brought up the reason why he said that. “Think about it… not every two ponies are the same, nor are every two dragons. Surely somepony back then had to think that not all dragons are greedy and selfish right? Well, when I was doing my research on this with Spike earlier this week, we both got contacted by the most unlikely of ponies that wanted to talk to us about this.”

It was then that a piece of paper was shown at the top of the screen… and it began to scroll all the way down as it read off the contents.

My dear Spike…… and Discord. It has come to my attention by a fellow princess that the two of you have been trying to research the history between ponykind and dragons. Therefore, I would like to offer you my assistance in the matter because I may know some of the answers to the questions that you are trying to find.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia

At the end of the last piece, Discord looked back at the crowd as he began to speak after that. “Yes… that happened. Princess Celestia herself, who let me remind you that at one point we were former enemies, ended up onto the same side when it came to this,” That included an image of the princess firing blasts of magic at Discord while he was running off like a cartoon villain. “That’s basically the equivalent of the Mane-iac showing up at Masked Matterhorn’s apartment door and saying ‘Look, I know that we both have our differences, but we got to get that asshole out of apartment 3B’.”

That had a lot of the ponies that were familiar with with Power Ponies comics laughing their flanks off, especially since it was very unlikely that such a thing would actually happen. “Now, before we go any further into this, some of you may be thinking… ‘Well hang on, how exactly does Princess Celestia relate to this?’ Well, before we get to that… please consider the following. It was Princess Celestia who had Twilight not only hatch Spike’s egg during her test to get into Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns, but also allowed for Spike to stay with her. Years later, she not only helped in certain cases involving dragons, but also knew that when Spike was glowing that the Dragon Lord was calling for all dragons to be summoned. That’s information that most other ponies would normally not give a sh*yay*t about at all. So… instead of asking how she relates to this… we should be asking how does she know all of this? And the answer may surprise you.”

“When I was a lot younger, my parents always told Luna and I that Dragons were these big beasty brutes that didn’t really care about us or any other ponies. However, it was also during that time that I met a friend who was a dragon and not as rude or mean like how my father described him. He taught me a lot of lessons and values that I cherish to this day and I once had them written in a journal… Until my father found out about our friendship and reinforced what he said by throwing it in the fireplace. Telling me that Dragons will be brutes and always will be brutes.”

That… caught all the crowd by surprise and also Discord as he looked back at the camera. “You have got to feel bad for Celestia during that time… To have a good friendship like that be ruined by a father who’s a complete and utter jerk… He seems like the kind of guy who running a business that’s hiring, but strictly disqualifies ponies just because they don’t meet all the required specifics for the job.” He said, while an image of Celestia’s father was shown throwing applications in the fireplace while an earth pony was complaining and being escorted out of the hallway by guards. “W-why sir? I have all the required skills! ‘Yes, but the application asked for a unicorn. You’re not a unicorn. Therefore, disqualified’.”

The whole entire room continued to laugh at that for a few moments as Discord took a chance to straighten up his tie and look back at the audience. “Now, to be completely fair to Celestia… not much was known about other species at the time and Celestia herself wanted to change that… But it’s been over a thousand years now and everypony so far is acting like nothing has really happened. All because of pair of oversensitive parents who didn’t want their little Celly to be growing up so fast.” Another set of laughs from the crowd emerged as Discord now posed a new question. “So, How exactly are we suppose to break the mold on this? Because we have gone over stereotypes before and what to do about them… just not as severe and ongoing as this. So, let’s break it down a bit to see what exactly can we do to change all this… because it isn’t easy… and there’s a hundred percent likelihood that doing so would have Celestia’s father emerge down from the heavens and slap me across the face for it.”

Just as he said that, Discord turned to his left as it looked like a hole was torn open in the ceiling as Celestia’s father did emerge from the heavens, slap Discord and then disappear seconds later. Leaving a beaten Discord with a chance to try and heal himself up a bit. “Uh… do I get points for calling that?” He asked, which in total caused some laughs to emerge from the crowd. “So where were we? Ah yes, breaking down how to fix the problem. Well, that is much harder than it looks because in some places, many folks are not really open minded when it comes to dragons. Whether they are good or bad… Just watch this pony here shouting at a pair of dragons who were coming home from a homeless shelter.”

“You trying to steal my stuff!? Break into my home?! Bring it on, you f*cking animals!! BRING IT!!”

Everypony in the crowd gasped at that, and even Discord looked horrified. “Okay, calm down there… All they are doing is walking down the street, not preparing a home invasion,” The draconequus stated. “Also, the phrase… ‘Bring it on, you f*cking animals’ is not appropriate under any circumstances. It’s not even appropriate in a situation where some ponies need to escape from a zoo.” That was followed by a fake movie poster of Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and the Cutie Mark Crusaders running from lions in something called ‘The Great Zoo Escape’ as he cleared his throat.

“With that in mind… We need to find a way to show to everypony that Dragons aren’t as terrifying as they think they are. But it’s not going to be easy and there is no quick fix solution to this like anything else we’ve had to handle before on this show,” The Draconequus said to his audience. “But I know that we can all find a way to reconnect both sides of the aisle here… because even though a thousand years has passed, this issue makes Equestria look like it’s stuck in the past despite the amount of progress that has been done over the years. So, here’s an idea… together, we should pick a date within the next few months in order to get the word out for what we just demonstrated on this show tonight and tell them that we need to fix this.”

That seemed good and all and a lot of ponies in the audience agreed with it. But it was Discord’s last line that drove the message home. “I propose that we do this on February 2nd. Easy to remember because it’s Groundhog Day… Which seems rather appropriate given the circumstances. Because unless we find a way to fix this, we are destined to live through this nightmarish and stereotypical scenario all the way to the end of f*yay*cking time!!”

Some time later

“I think that went a lot better than I thought it would turn out to be…” Spike told the draconequus as both of them were walking down the hallway inside Twilight’s castle. “Thanks for helping out. I wanted to try and get to the bottom of something like this and I think this is a step in the right direction.”

“No problem,” Discord replied back. “I always try to diversify my stories a bit to get better ratings, but this one sort of hits home given how that I am half dragon and half pony… Just out of curiosity though, when does Princess Egghead get back from her cruise-?”

“She’s already back,” Both of them heard from the other side of the hall as Starlight trotted over to the two of them. “You’re not going to believe this, but throughout the whole time she was on that cruise with her family, it did not go so well for her.”

Both Spike and Discord looked back at the unicorn shortly after she said that, still trying to wrap her head around what Starlight was trying to tell them. “How exactly could it not go so well? She’s with her parents for Celestia’s sake.”

“Well, it turns out that how Twilight’s parents won the trip… and the guy in charge of all the festivities… were part of a scheme that really ruined her weekend… and the time she wanted to spend with her parents.” The unicorn that was once Twilights student explained. “It was pretty messed up too since she was not allowed to see the Northern Lights, the one thing she actually wanted to see on the trip.”

“Okay, I get that… but who exactly was the guy doing all of this… and how did he pull this off?” Discord asked, sounding confused but also mildly interested.

“Well, everyone else on the cruise, from what Twilight told me, seemed to be part of some sort of Princess Twilight Fan Club and she was forced to do numerous events and programs that separated her from her family and when she went to talk to the guy hosting everything, it turns out that she couldn’t get out of it because her parents signed a contract without reading the fine print.”

“That doesn’t answer the ‘who’ part of the question though.” Spike reminded her. To which, Starlight could only sigh as she asked both of them a single question.

“Have you ever heard of a minotaur named Iron Will?”

Author's Note

So here’s a second update that I was working on... and mostly, this chapter was based on a couple of the ideas we thought on after seeing this review of the Season 2 episode “Dragon Quest” by johnscorcher

This gave us the idea for the chapter. If both ponies and dragons have been around for over 1000 years, then why hasn’t there been a chance for both sides to try and connect with one another. Well, that could be seen in how Xenophobic some ponies can be. So Discord decides to look at the issue... and find a way to try to solve things, which isn’t quite so easy.

Next episode though is going to be interesting... given the most recent episode (Once upon a zeppelin) involving a certain minotaur, who despite his name, seems to have a lack of iron in his backbone. Find out more next time on Last Week Tonight with Discord!
-Frost

P.S. Does Equestria actually have a groundhog day?

Episode 13: Iron Will

Author's Note

Taking place shortly after the events of “Once Upon a Zeppelin”, Discord decides to tackle some notible Scams and Schemes... and the one who seems to make a living off of it, Iron Will.

For the Writing though, I decided to change it up as MrAquino did the ending segment for the broadcast based on the prop segment in ‘Whose line is it anyways’ and had the ending with Celestia be based on a particular scene in Samurai Jack based on the Scotman’s Wife. Enjoy
-Frost

Episode 13: Iron Will

After a long and excruciating explanation from Starlight at the start of the week on how Princess Twilight’s vacation went in the dumps, both Spike and Discord were curious as to what else was there regarding not just what happened, but also who was responsible. Turns out, there was a lot more to it than either of them have realized to the point that not only had this ‘Iron Will’ had once held a seminar in Ponyville, but he also had a series of practices as a ‘self help guru’ that raised a few red flags. Even in finding out more about not just him, but other ponies who would present individuals with free trips without even realizing they were being ripped off. While also making him think that he wouldn’t want to be taking a vacation anytime soon.

But with this topic, he actually didn’t want to jump into it right away like with some of the other previous episodes. Instead, he thought it would be proper to start off with something related to it before beginning the main piece. Not to mention take as much preparation as needed. Hell, he had even interviewed the Sparkle Family and invited them and all the ponies that were ripped off on that cruise to come see his show tonight because he felt like they needed to be included in the audience tonight.

So as everypony got into their seats and he welcomed everypony to his show, the draconequus felt ready to begin as the camera came on and he was live. “Hello everypony and welcome to Last Week Tonight! Now… before we begin with our main piece tonight, I would like to talk about holidays. The only time where you either get to have family fun, a break from the outside world… or in most cases for kids… feel like they’re being punished.” That was followed by showing an image of Big Mac and Applejack looking at a statue in a history museum while Applebloom and Babs Seed looked bored out of their mind.

“Now, I know that everypony here loves a chance to take a break from the outside world and to just relax, destress and see sights around Equus. I do too and honestly, I am holding off my vacation until we get this current season in the books…” Discord said as an image of a to do list that had an unmarked box for ‘Make epic Season 1 finale’. “However, a very troubling story from earlier in the week is personally wanting to make me hold off my travel plans a bit longer… and you’re about to see why.”

“Tonight, many passengers onboard this zeppelin cruise ship are outraged over what they thought was a trip of a lifetime with Princess Twilight Sparkle. Only to learn from her that the whole thing was a hoax.”

That… had Discord blink for a moment before looking back at the audience with a bit of surprise on his face. “I’m sorry but… did you say zeppelin cruise ship? Zeppelins and cruise ships on their own are two of the leading causes for motion sickness, so I’m really surprised that we didn’t see anypony who was angry at that time throw up over the port side balcony!” That showed a picture of what looked like several ponies getting queasy as they began throwing up over the railing. “But aside from that… a lot of you may honestly be thinking… ‘Well hang on, if Princess Twilight is as smart as she has shown herself to be, how did something like this get under her nose?’ Well, I’ll just let Starlight Glimmer, Princess Twilight’s own graduate student, explain.”

“Well, everyone else on the cruise, from what Twilight told me, seemed to be part of some sort of Princess Twilight Fan Club and she was forced to do numerous events and programs that separated her from her family and when she went to talk to the guy hosting everything, it turns out that she couldn’t get out of it because her parents signed a contract without reading the fine print.”

That had the draconequus hold up a talon for a moment as he looked back at his audience. “Wait a second… You signed something… without checking the fine print? That is just foolish! Anypony can hide anything within that small typeface! For example, a speech from King Sombra could be hidden within the fine print of a contract for leasing a carriage and all you would think of is ‘Uh hunh, uh hunh, I get it. Just where do I sign?’” That was followed with an image of said contract and a quill that was signing it as the spirit of chaos got back to where his next point was. “So after everything was said and done on that, Twilight was able to not only make things up to her family, but also the passengers on board that ship. Yet, that leaves us with a bigger problem here. The fact that many ponies like you, your friends, family, co-workers or associates can just as easily fall for stuff like this… except of course, Janice from Accounting. Because if you try presenting something like this to her in the first place, she’ll ignore you because she don’t give a buck!!”

The crowd not only laughed at that, but also cheered as Discord himself cleared his throat for a moment and prepared to pick up on where he left off. “So tonight, in order to make sure that more ponies are informed about scams and schemes like these, let’s take a moment to talk about them and also one of the biggest names out there. Because even though a lot of these things don’t normally happen in the light of day… there is one exception to that and that of course is this guy. Take a look.”

“The event coordinator for the cruise is said to be the one responsible for all of this is a Minotaur by the name of Iron Will. A former self help guru who did assertiveness seminars across Equestria. Many ponies have mixed feelings when it comes to his methods and message because some of the things he tries to promote are hit and miss.”

“Yes, this guy here… who’s name hides the fact that his will, and possibly his backbone, has iron deficiency,” Discord commented, which immediately got everyone’s attention as they liked the joke on him. “Is Iron Will. A minotaur whose very outspoken and just loves to try to motivate others, no matter what they think. We took the chance to look into some of the things he used to do and what we found was just mind blowing. For example, this guy not only spoke in third person from time to time, used rhymes and metaphors in order to motivate his clients and at one point, when he was in Ponyville, he put a full on pyrotechnics display that seemed almost as if he was trying to show off too much.” That even included footage of when Iron Will did his ‘seminar’ in Ponyville with the fireworks in the background. “This guy is basically what you get when you mix a masked wrestler with a tough guy attitude, Trixie when she speaks in third pony and Zecora when she speaks in rhyme!”

The image of a mathematical equation when all three things were added together soon popped up on screen as the crowd continued to laugh. “But as of recently, Iron Will has decided to step away from the seminar and self help business, probably because self help does not mean helping yourself to your client’s bits…” Another image of Iron Will looking like he’s pickpocketing coins out of a random pony soon showed up later, which added some more laughter to the crowd. “... And decided to try something different by focusing less on being assertive… and more inspirational. Because who doesn’t want to be inspired by an overconfident and proud minotaur who’s best tag line is ‘Iron Will is my name, training ponies is my game!’. An athletic coach would probably look at that and suggest that work a little harder at spreading his message.”

More ponies began to laugh when it showed Iron Will in a hoofball team outfit while somepony that was the head coach was trying to explain that he was trying to motivate a team of colts instead of stallions. “But despite all of this… like with most other scam artists, Iron Will is rather cunning and legalistic and it’s intertwined into his speech. Just watch as he tries to motivate some ponies towards setting some goals in this Califoalnia seminar.”

“Now… Iron Will wants all of you to close your eyes… and picture all the things that you want to do in life. All of your dreams, all of your goals, everything! Because when you push yourself to make sure you work hard… and when you feel like you should put off something that’s vital. Tell yourself that No means no!! No means no! And by doing this and working hard, you will get to where you want to go.”

That just lead to Discord looking mildly confused as he looked back at his audience. “So wait… You don’t have any proof that your sh*yay*t actually works, but you want ponies to ‘imagine’ the results. That is not a strong argument. Personally, I can imagine that eating alphabet soup can really increase my vocabulary, but there is no evidence to show that as being conclusive.” Personally, the draconequus got excited that he was able to demonstrate another new word and thought that the alphabet soup was helping him.

“And the thing is… we tried looking into other motivational speakers and the problem that we found is that since Iron Will first doing seminars… many of the other ponies who had previously tried doing them have been slowly going out of business. And the thing is… those guys are honestly better at their job than him, but Iron Will has figured out how to be able to get his message out numerous different ways and every time, he says that ‘when Iron Will is on it, you know it’s going to be good’. But Iron Will’s name has been on some things that are necessarily not good,” The draconequus replied before beginning to count off everything that’s on the list. “There are his books; which have gotten sub par reviews because they’re all in rhyme, his inspirational magazines; which have been either censored or banned in some cities due to parents complaining about questionable poses on the covers and inside the magazines, his dietary and exercise products; which when doctors ran tests on found that a certain number of items in those products are considered as illegal and also banned.”

That had a lot of ponies gasp in response at his track record shortly before Discord took a chance to catch his breath. “All of these things are products that he still promotes and ponies are buying them… that is of course, if your target audience is strictly limited to Zecora, Bulk Biceps and Braeburn,” That showed the last three ponies with the products that Iron Will is promoting… with the most questionable one being Braeburn with the magazine. “You know why Braeburn gets the magazine? He’s feels comfortable with seeing those poses than anypony else. Just… don’t tell Applejack that.”

That had everyone in the room laughing and in the audience, Twilight herself tried keeping her composure despite everything that was going on. “But here’s the thing… Despite the fact that his teachings have little success rate, Iron Will sells these hard like any other salespony would do, but does it in a way in which nopony can tell if what he says or provides is actually true or not, even though it isn’t.” The spirit of chaos himself soon sighed, before looking back at the camera and having a new image of Celestia seeing an asleep guard at a desk. “It’s like if Princess Celestia saw a guard asleep at his post and she finds a folder on his desk labeled ‘DEFINITELY NOT CLOP’. When she see’s that, she knows that you’re not fooling anypony.”

That had the crowd in an uproar. Even Princess Cadence and Shining Armor were amused at that as Discord took a chance to clear his throat. “So, at this point… I think we all have the same question at this point… why do someponies really listen to this guy? Well, the odd thing is, when he once tried to run for mayor, a few reporters asked some of his supporters for reasons why they like him and this is what they were told.”

“He’s tough on the issues. I think he means what he says.”

“If he runs our town like how he runs his business, I think we could be in good shape.”

That had several ponies gasp in response as Discord facepalmed himself. “Honestly… I’m surprised that they didn’t know about his failing business practices at the time this was going on. Like with almost everything that we mentioned so far, Iron Will may seem appealing… until you take a closer look. Like those fake bull horns and nose ring some of his supporters were wearing… or the lunch buffet on a fast moving zeppelin… or having your siblings babysitter be a diamond dog.” That showed an image of what looked like Rarity walking out of Carousel Boutique and left with a pack of diamond dogs to watch over Sweetie Belle. Followed shortly afterwards by showing the image of a cow “Because honestly… if this was the guy that you wanted to be mayor, do you really think that your town would be in good shape?”

Many ponies not only laughed to that, but also agreed with him on it too. “So since we’ve gone over the business side of it… let’s investigate the claim that this guy is tough… which, I’m not so sure about. Because yes, he can be quirky and strange, he’s got some incredibly thin skin whenever he feels like his back’s against the wall. Just watch how he insists that somepony pays for his services, even though they were dissatisfied with his teachings… and you are going to be surprised by who it was.”

“What do you mean you’re not satisfied!? Everypony has always been satisfied!”

“Well, I guess I’m the first then. But since I’m not satisfied, I refuse to pay. It’s as simple as that.”

“Ohh, are you... sure you're not just a little bit satisfied? B-because maybe... we could, cut a deal, I-I mean, we're both reasonable creatures, aren't we?”

“I’m sorry, but no means no.”

That had a lot of ponies wondering who exactly the other pony was… but for some of the audience, they already knew who it was… and to Twilight’s family, they were also surprised as Discord began to speak again. “Okay… You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground in a negotiation with… and this is true… Fluttershy,” That had the whole crowd in a dramatic uproar as the draconequus looked back at the camera. “A pony who literally shows how timid she is around new ponies in just her name alone… and also my personal waifu… just don’t tell her that.”

That had some more people laugh as an image of Discord daydreaming about him and Fluttershy was shown for a moment… before he addressed something else. “Also… in that last statement of his on the previous clip… did he just refer to them as ‘reasonable creatures’? I may understand that he would try to talk about two separate species together as a group, but I know that if someone is referred to as a ‘creature’ instead of what they are, sh*yay*t’s going to hit the fan real quickly.” That part showed an image of numerous different species looking at Iron Will. All of them with the caption of ‘TRIGGERED’ underneath them.

“But that’s not the thing that caught me off guard the most… Because I believe that a few moments ago, we heard Iron Will say this… which took place a few weeks afterwards.”

“Tell yourself that No means no!! No means no!”

That had a lot of ponies laugh as Discord was flipping out. “Are you kidding me!? I had a feeling that you were going to take advice from somepony, but you shouldn’t take what you were told and reform it into something that would help you! If that statement was trademarked, Fluttershy would be suing for copyright infringement! …… If that was okay with you, of course.” The crowd was laughing even more when it showed Fluttershy looking rather cute, but holding a piece of paper that had the word ‘lawsuit’ at the top.

“So… Where do we stand at right now with this guy?” The draconequus asked as he began to list some things off the bat with his paw. “He gives advice that doesn’t help anypony, sells products that are bought by roughly three ponies out of all of Equestria, boldly lies about how effective his teachings are and goes as far as to hatch plans like on that motion sickness ship while escaping on a parachute with his face directly on the back of it… So how exactly are we going to be able to deal with this? Well… when I was doing research on him, I found out at the same seminar where he plagiarized what Fluttershy said… he also claimed this.”

“No matter who you are, anypony or anyone can attend or host a seminar!”

That soon had Discord scratching his chin as he looked back at the audience. “You know what… the only thing that he may be right about is that last statement… so how about we take a play straight out of Iron Will’s playbook? If you may please, come with me…” With that, Discord immediately got up out of his seat, buttoned his jacket and had the camera follow him to what was on the other side of his set. On the other side, Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight all sat in their own chair respectfully, on a stage. The crowd cheered with the four alicorns waving with a smile on their faces. Discord sat behind another desk, putting on glasses, and looking a bit chubby.

“Welcome to “That’s my Line!” and here the princesses of Equestria themselves. Please, give it up for Cae-Cae, Lulu, Caddy, and Bookmark!” Celestia rolled her eyes with a smile, Luna gave a stern look, Cadence gave a bit of a confused look, and Twilight looked appalled. “Oh please, there are worst nicknames I could’ve gave you all. Since this is new you you viewers, That’s my Line is more or less a skit-based comedy on the fly with our 4 lovely ladies having to come up with creative things as possible. And this right here is a classic called ‘Props’, where each is in a team of 2 and have to come up with as many things as possible. And this, we have Celestia and Twilight against Lovely and Moony.” He gave Twilight and Celestia some of the magazines made by Iron Will and the other two a foam pair of horns. “And we’ll start with… Team 2. Up and at ‘em girls.” Cadence put the horns on the side of her head.

“Who am I?” Cadence asked.

“A mistake.” Luna replied bluntly. The crowd laughed with a buzzer activated. Twilight and Celestia sat on their chests and opened the magazines with their hind legs in the air, acting like teenage girls.

“Oh my gosh, do you see how small it is?” Celestia asked, making the crowd laugh again.

“Sheesh, and I though Blueblood should hide it.” Twilight added. Another buzz. Luna took the horns, putting one on her chest and the other through her back.

“I didn’t really see it, all I know is that it went through me.” Luna said, turning to the side, making it look like she was impaled, making the crowd giggle. A buzz. Twilight and Celestia haunched over together, looking like they were using the bathroom.

“... Got an extra roll?” Twilight asked.

“Close.” Celestia replied, giving Twilight the magazines, making the crowd laugh hard.

“Hey! Reading material!” The crowd laughed harder, followed by a buzz. Cadence took the horns and put both over her left hoof.

“I’ll get you next time, Gadget!” Cadence spoke in her best superhero outfit.

“Not in a million year, Zoidberg!” Luna added, making the crowd laugh, followed by a buzz. Celestia and Twilight stood by the small pile of magazines.

“...This is the worst book burning pit ever.” Celestia spoke, making the crowd laugh.

“I thought this was a toilet.” Twilight replied, making the crowd laugh harder, followed by another buzz. Both Luna and Cadence took their horn, putting the tip in their ear.

“Hello? That you baby?” Cadence asked.

“No. It’s your sister in law.” Luna rolled her eyes, making the crowd laugh.

Twilight herself laid on her back, holding a magazine in one of her hooves and the other looking like it was going to do something. The crowd laughed, with Celestia stepping in, blocking sight on Twilight. “You can’t do that on television!” She spoke, making the crowd roar with laughter, which made Discord laugh hard, pressing the buzzer multiple times. Even he right now couldn’t stop laughing because of the amount of unique and hilarious ways they were able to use the props.

“Okay, who here agrees that this is a better use for any of Iron Will’s products and better than the seminars he does?” The crowd cheered in an uproar to that, leaving the Draconequus with one last question. “So who would like to see more?”

That had everypony cheering and chanting for the princesses to continue their act because of how hilarious it was. “You heard the crowd ladies! Give them an encore!!” The four princesses bowed to the crowd, tossing the stuff into the air, with Celestia burning them to a crisp. Discord pulled out some new props; two nose rings and two large blocks. “As a way to spice things up, Luna and Twilight are on a team while C & C are on the other.” He gave Luna and Twilight the rings while Cadence and Celestia the blocks. “And we’ll begin with the two dark ladies.” Twilight put the rings in front of her, whistling a game tune as Luna ran, making ding noises as she ‘collected’ a ring, making the crowd laugh. Discord rang the buzzer. Luna and Celestia stacked both blocks on top of each other.

“... Well, this is the shortest game of Jenga ever.” Celestia commented, making the crowd laugh. Cadence kicked the tower, making the crowd laugh harder, followed by a buzzer. Luna put the rings over her eyes and looked around while sitting.

“Hoo-Hoo… Hoo-hoo!”

“Owlicious.” Twilight placed her hooves on her hips, standing on her hind legs and gave a ‘oh you’ look, making the crowd laugh, followed by a buzzer. Celestia sat on the floor, holding one of the blocks with her hooves and babbled like a baby.

“Flurry Heart.” Cadence placed her hooves on her hips, standing on her hind legs and gave a ‘oh you’ look, mimicking Twilight and making the crowd laugh harder, followed by a buzzer. Twilight, still on her hind legs, took the rings and placed the on her chest.

“Did you get nipple rings?” Luna asked, making the crowd laugh and followed by the buzzer. Cadence stood on her hind legs and put the blocks on her chest.

“Did you get breast implants?” Celestia asked, making the crowd roar with laughter, and promptly making press the buzzer, though snickering to himself. Luna held the rings near her ears with her magic.

“And I told Shaun-Tell ‘if you messin’ with me, you gonna get-’” Luna spoke with the tone of a sassy mare, which made the crowd laugh and Discord pressing the buzzer. Celestia and Cadence both held the blocks in their hooves, looking like they had some sort of weapon.

“Looks like it’s just you and me,” Celestia spoke in a grizzly Southern voice. “We draw at high noon.”

“... But it’s Lunch Time.” Cadence replied, making the crowd laugh and Discord to press the button. Twilight and Luna stood alongside each other and ‘rang’ the rings together.

“Presenting, Lunch.” They spoke in unison, making the crowd laugh again with a buzzer. Celestia and Luna looked at their blocks.

“... This is just a log of sh*t.” Celestia said, making the crowd roar, along with Discord, who pressed the buzzer multiple times. All and all though, everypony could agree on one thing.

This was a much better seminar than any of the ones that Iron Will tried to do.

The Following Morning…

Birds chirped away at a house that, to the naked eye, would look very idyllic, perhaps even a great place to raise some kids… that is, if they could navigate their way in and out of the labyrinth that it laid in the middle of. And that is if they don’t mind the goats around, keeping the place to look like what it is. One of the goats picked up a newspaper (chewed on it, really) before knocking on the door.

“What!? What is it!?” The muffled voice of Iron Will spoke. “Iron Will’s having his breakfast!”

“... Baah.” The goat replied.

“A newspaper!? How’d it get here!?” The door opened, revealing the large and buff minotaur wearing a bright pink bath robe. He took the newspaper out of the goat’s mouth and read it to himself, then paused. “... DISCORD!!!”

Discord was right now taking a bath inside Fluttershy’s cottage, with her having a shocked look at what the princesses spoke of last night. That was, until some loud pounding rattled the door just as he was drying off.

“DISCORD!!! GET OUT HERE NOW!!! OR I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU HOWL!!!”

“Oh boy! Someone’s butthurt!” Discord chuckled, putting on a football helmet with shoulder pads. He teleported outside with the equipment. “Well, if it isn’t good ol’ Iron Will! Some ponies told me that yo’ mama was a cow.”

“LEAVE IRON WILL’S MOTHER OUT OF THIS!!! You have a lot of explaining to do! You better speak, or I’ll make you squeak!”

“I speak the truth, unlike you!!” Discord replied back. “You left a lot of ponies very angry when you decided to bail out using a parachute with your face on it. I’m just giving them a voice.”

“Iron Will promised everypony on board that they will meet Princess Twilight Sparkle and Cadence, but no satisfaction guaranteed! Everypony should’ve read it thoroughly. And none of the princesses are better than Iron Will’s seminars with your lackluster ‘That’s My line’ show!”

“Yeah, says the fact that Fluttershy would’ve sued you for copyright infringement for using something she said to you exclusively without getting permission first… Oh and would you care to repeat that last statement on the princesses’. They’re right behind you.”

“Iron Will knows your tricks! Iron Will know that as soon as Iron Will turns around, you’re going to knock Iron Will on the back of his head, take Iron Will somewhere else, and take Iron Will’s hard earned bits, licenses, and IDs.”

“Nope… I just think you need to say it their face… Good morning, Cae Cae,” Discord spoke up as Iron Will began to feel the hairs on his neck raise a little. “Good morning Twilight.”

“Good morning to you too, Discord.” Iron Will heard an all too familiar voice from behind him. “I see that you have an unexpected guest this morning.”

“Iron Will here claims that ‘none of the princesses are better than Iron Will’s Seminars’ and thought Last Night’s performance was lackluster.”

“Oh really now…” Iron Will now turned around… to actually see Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight right behind him. Both of them staring at him with a menacing glare. “Would you care to put that to the test?”

“... Iron Will knows this is fake news by Discord! Iron Will can see past your disguises! Princess Celestia is not that wide.” Just when he said that was when Iron Will felt himself being lifted off the ground as Celestia glared at him with eyes of fury.

“I’m not fat!! I’M PLUMP!!!” After getting to a certain point in height, the alicorn dropped the spell and had the minotaur crash down onto the ground. Shortly followed by her proceeding to continually beat him up and going as far as elbow dropping him. All while Twilight and Discord just watched in utter bewilderment.

“Wow… impressive…”

“Heh… That’s the princess alright.” Twilight replied back.

Episode 15: New friends and a Capper

It was just a few days after his most recent episode to kick off what Discord described as ‘Season 2’ of Last Week Tonight and before he could even be able to get himself all focused up the main subject that he was wanting to cover tonight… something big happened in regards to Twilight’s school. More importantly, somepony trying to shut it down. And when Discord actually looked into the matter, everything that he happened to find out about it was straight out amazing. Especially since the actions of the pony who tried having it shut down made what Blueblood try to do look like child’s play.

So with that in mind… and a new suit that looked to come from some sci-fi movie about a stallion named Buckaroo traveling through an 8th dimension, he addressed the crowd that was waiting for him. “Welcome, Welcome to Last Week Tonight! I am your host Discord and we have a lot in store for you tonight. But before we get to our main story, we have something else to discuss regarding school… the reason why all students want for vacation to be longer and if you don’t, then you’re lying to yourself.”

That was followed by a loud uproar of laughter from the audience as the draconequus prepared to speak again. “Last week, we mentioned how Twilight’s school was beginning to start off… and I would like to mention that things are looking much better than anticipated… But, on the day when the school was going to open… this happened.”

“It was an act that many ponies and many creatures who were getting ready to go to school at Princess Twilight’s academy that was crossing a line. The head of the EEA, the Equestrian Education Association, threatening to shut down the entire school because he strongly believes that other creatures like Griffons, Yaks, Hippogriffs, Dragons, and Changelings have no capacity for learning Friendship.”

Several members in the crowd booed at that as an image of the stallion in question was shown to the left of Discord. “Yes… Twilight’s school of Friendship and Inclusion was almost shut down by this guy, Chancellor Neighsay… A pony who would answer the question ‘What if an all powerful and strange cosmic wizard was also a racist asshole?’,” He said, which got several ponies laughing at that. “Or for that matter… a pony who sounds like a mouse with the brain of a genius, but is also bat shit insane.” The picture on the left changed again to the one that Discord just described as more laughter came up.

“So, this guy is a part of the Equestrian Education Association… an organization that is in charge of the majority of public schools across that of Equestria, but have also come under fire for how they treated particular species… But, going out of their way to try to shut down this was completely ballsy of Neighsay… as it was also rather stupid,” The Spirit of Chaos explained to her. “Because as it turns out… Twilight’s school is not a public school. It’s a private academy that’s part of the same organization as is Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Meaning this guy is trying to do an act that he can’t perform because it’s not in his own jurisdiction.”

Then, came the time for Discord to try and explain it the best way he can. “It’s like if someone from the Royal Guard was trying to order around the guards in the Crystal Empire, even though he’s in charge of the ones in Canterlot… That’s completely outside of the only job you were given.” That was followed by a single pony demanding orders from everypony else there… even though no one was really caring about it.

“But one of the things that this incident shows is the fact that Equestria… came so close to losing some of it’s important allies in just the span of a day because of this f*ck up from a pony who was trying to do something that he can’t actually do. Twilight and her friends spent years forging the relationships between other species like Yaks, Dragons and most recently, the hippogriffs.” Discord added on, before adding one more thing. “I would include the Abyssinians, but they were too busy playing around with a ball of yarn backstage while our camera guy was getting pictures of everyone.”

That showed a picture of a native from Abyssinia playing with a ball of yarn while holding onto a fish in their mouth. “So for tonight, our main story is going to be about Equestria… but more specifically, it’s newly formed relationships with creatures outside of Equestria after the Friendship Festival. Because a few of the creatures that were there at Twilight’s school during the time were there because of new alliances between other countries after a yeti went on a domination crazed rampage.”

Some more laughs were heard from the crowd at that before Discord began to mention something else surprising. “And this isn’t just relationships with diplomats either… when the Storm King was causing problems, it turns out… and this is true, they befriended a Abyssinian Con Artist and ‘Gentlecat’ as well as this.”

“One of the allies that Twilight Sparkle and her friends met on their journey to stop the Storm King was Captain Celaeno, the leader of a group of Parrot Pirates from the country of Ornithia, on board their ship… the Rainbow Falcon.”

“It’s true…” Discord said, even though he couldn’t believe it at first, along with some of the audience. “One of the new allies and friends is a pirate captain with a crystal peg leg… and incidentally, Spike tried taking a bite out of that during the end credits.” He then put up an image of Spike trying to take a bite out of Celaeno’s leg.

“But if I may ask… is it wrong to say that it’s stereotypical for Parrots to be Pirates? Because I half expected for a member of that crew to be annoying somepony along the lines of asking for crackers.” That was followed by an image of what looked like the parrots of Celaeno’s crew annoying Applejack about the subject before he dismissed it. “But this is partly the reason why trying to do something like what Chancellor Neighsay wanted to do with the school of friendship so problematic… because just from his actions alone, he’s basically almost had all of our allies, including that pirate crew, declare war on us. And from that, we would be extremely outnumbered. Even if we tried cloning the royal guard using the mirror pool that Pinkie Pie stumbled upon back in Season 3, we would still not be able to stand a f**king chance!! And remember, their best academy for target practice is 3 out of 10!”

The room erupted in a series of laughs upon Discord referencing that from his first ever episode as he looked back at the crowd. “More importantly though… More importantly, some of our relationships with allies come at a point where the relationships that were forged were during times that were rather tense. Like the Yaks with Prince Rutherford, or the dragons with Dragon Lord Ember… or the Hippogriffs, who’s leader seems to be more possessive over pearls than when Rarity wants to make a purchase of pearls for a new line of dress wear.”

A new scene was shown with Rarity and Queen Novo getting in an argument/fight over a collection of pearls in the middle of a room while Celestia, Twilight, and a few others were watching. “But that’s not entirely the point… many of these relationships, including the most newest ones from after the Storm King Incident, are vitally important. Including Tempest Shadow, a pony who was originally on the side of the Storm King until she realized that he was using her and felt betrayed. She was given a second chance by the same ponies that she had encased in stone once and now serves as Twilight’s bodyguard.”

That was… before he let out a deep breath and then said something important. “And the reason why I know how important these relationships are… is because I recently had the privilege to interview each one of them,” He said, counting them off with his eagle claw as the entire crowd began to cheer. “Tempest Shadow, Captain Celaeno, Princess Skystar alongside her mother Queen Novo as well as Capper, the Abyssinian Gentlecat. They all believe that these international relationships with Equestria are important… but I’m going to let them tell you for yourself.”

Interview #1- Tempest Shadow

“Thank you for coming,” Discord spoke up, shaking the hoof of Tempest Shadow before providing a seat for her in the home that the Draconequus lived at while Fluttershy was away getting groceries at the market. “I’ve heard a lot about you recently, Ms. Shadow.”

“So have I… Discord, right?” The unicorn and former commander for the Storm King replied back. “I have a few questions, but to start… I’m a little unfamiliar with the purpose of this meeting. Is it something regarding Twilight’s security?”

“No no, it’s nothing like that,” The spirit of chaos explained to her. “You see, I have a talk show called ‘Last Week Tonight’, where I talk about current things going on in Equestria and such. Since my newest topic is about international affairs and also talking about some of the things that happened during the Friendship Festival, I thought I could ask you a few questions since you were there.”

“Does… this have to do with that Chancellor pony who got banned from the grounds of Twilight’s school for being racist against other creatures?” She then asked him.

“That’s only a small part of it,” Discord told her as he began to look through his own notes. “Anyways though… where to start…”

“How about I ask you a question instead…” Tempest replied back, before looking back at her. “Where were you during the whole Friendship Festival incident?”

That had Discord blink for a moment, before raising an eyebrow. “Um… Well, I told Celestia that I was taking a vacation and she… oddly approved of it before trying to rush me out of Canterlot. Why?”

“Well, I think I recall Fluttershy calling out to you for help at one point during the whole ordeal and I just find it weird that for somepony who’s all over the place to not be there when his friends are in need of help.” At that point, Discord stopped for a minute, before taking his paw and having the thumb of it pointed up and the Pinky pointed outward. Before pressing the center and hearing something from it.

“You have one new voicemail from Fluttershy…”

“DISCORD, HELP US!! WHERE ARE YOU?!”

“End of message-” Before Discord could hear anymore of it, he decided to slap the paw with his talon and end the call… before several additional messages played alongside it.

“Okay, this is the reason why I am not renewing my contract with Neigh T&T,” The spirit of chaos groaned, before looking back at Tempest. “Sorry about that…” She gave a curious look.

“Right… and what about the other races? The dragons, Changelings, and yaks? Where were they? And better yet, where was the Canterlot guard!? I don't want to sound even more mean than I am, but having no guards around a festival is stupid and the Storm King deserved that victory on a silver platter. … Celestia and Luna aren't going to see this, are they?”

“I would think that the move was supposed to be for a peaceful festival,” Discord told her. “But again, not having the guard around is stupid… Also, Celestia and Luna have both been a part of this respectively, so… you’re free to speak your mind. Speaking of which…”

Discord then moved a couple of sheets before reciting his next question. “Twilight told me that you sang something… like ‘Can you see the world from where I stand’ and such… So, if that song was about you being alone, wouldn’t it seem contradictory for you to later be with the Storm King?” Tempest had a blank stare on her face.

“It… he said if I joined, I could get my horn back… I didn't exactly trust him to an extent, not at first, but… yeah… that happened… and I wanted to sing something! When can anypony say “I was captured by Tempest Shadow and witnessed her foreboding song.”?”

Discord took a moment to think it over, before nodding his head. “Valid point… Speaking of which, are you still trying to find a replacement for your horn?”

“Uh… maybe not anymore. I’ve got some job offer by Applewood for some movies as a special effects artist. Biggest payer is some guy named ‘Michael Neigh’.” She said, sounding skeptical for a moment.

“I heard his movies are so-so and rely too much on explosives.” Discord added on. “He should’ve stopped ahead after the third Transform-mares movie.”

“I… have not heard of those… but a paycheck is a paycheck. Much better than what the Storm King’s.”

“Plus, I think there would be the bonus of not having to handle that one annoying critter,” The draconequus added. “I think his name was Grubber?”

“UGH!!! Do NOT remind me of him! You would not believe how much of a pain he was to work with.”

Discord raised an eyebrow for a moment as he looked back at her. “Oh? Surely it can’t be that big of a pain, can it?”

“I’m fine with a slight lisp, but all he does is stand by my side and RUIN every place I’m at and doing! And all those sweets… I know Pinkie has her sweets, but Grubber was nothing but a pig! I swear, if he wasn't a high ranking commander like me… somehow, I would drop him from one of the airships.”

“So he’s the kind of creature where you would want for him to have cavities because of his sweet tooth?” The Draconequus then decided to ask her on that specific topic.

“He’s the kind of creature that's used as punishment or a punching dummy.”

“I think the Royal Guard are needing something for target practice… You know that their highest record on the Crossbow range is 3 out of 10?” The spirit of chaos informed her. “I mean… their new captain is whipping them into shape, but still… that’s the only thing that stands out.”

“... Great, they're making Grubber sound competent.”

“Their new Captain body slammed Shining Armor through a wall…” Discord also added. “But let’s not focus on that. Let’s switch topics… Many ponies I know had a few questions about… Well, The Storm King. More specifically, what he was about. Could you help clarify it a bit?”

“Just ruling the world… classic bad guy motivation… that's it, really. He's pretty one dimensional.”

Now that surprised Discord… because personally, he thought that this villain, who was able to successfully invade Canterlot, had more to him than just that. Turns out, that was not the case at all. But it was something that he could ask her more about. “Really? Because it seemed like Equestria was being ignorant about his ‘one rule’ … No offense to them by the way… but you speak of him as he was an underdeveloped character,” He replied back to Tempest. “I mean… does he even have a history?”

“I dunno. He was powerful. I thought he could give me back my horn. Probably took the throne from his dad, or made it up on the spot. Flip a bit for either.” The mare told him.

“So it’s all the more possible that he just goes around to random countries, finds something he likes and says ‘MINE!’ whenever he wants it?”

“Most likely.”

“And just when I thought the only pony that acted like that was Rarity around precious gemstones she wants,” Discord sighed for a moment, before looking back at Tempest and thinking of something. “So… now that the Storm King is no longer a problem, how are things? I mean… surely Celestia, Luna and Cadence have forgiven you for your actions, right? I know Twilight has since she’s letting you help manage security at her new school from time to time alongside your effects job.”

“I’ll take whatever punishment they see fit. Though I hope they learn to have security around on these special events, even if it's supposed to be peaceful. And it's pretty welcoming to become a part of school security.” The unicorn responded as Discord nodded his head.

“Well… that just about wraps up any questions I had,” The draconequus added. “Is there anything else you would like to ask me or anything else you would like to say?”

“Not really… other than tell Grubber to get out of town. I may be ‘reformed', but I’ll gladly hunt him down.” Tempest said, while Discord decided to cross Grubber off of the list of who to interview. Concerned that Tempest would want to hunt him down five minutes after their conversation ended.

Now, for the next one…

Interview #2- Captain Celaeno

“I’m glad that you can be able to make it, Captain Celaeno,” The spirit of chaos welcomed the pirate captain as she took a seat in front of her. “Do you mind if I call you captain? I’m finding it confusing on how to address you properly.”

“Please… Celaeno is fine. I’m already called Captain way too much by my fellow crew members,” She insisted, setting her hat on the side of the chair she was sitting at. “So, you said that you wanted to interview me… but you haven’t stated the purpose of it. Could you care to clarify on that?”

“Well, I just wanted to ask you a few questions with regards to what happened recently,” The draconequus replied back. “You know… what are your thoughts about Twilight and her friends? What do you plan to do now that the Storm King is not a problem anymore? Is your father Thanos? You know, stuff like that.”

“Uh… well, I didn't think about them at first, just following the Storm King’s orders. But thanks to them, we’re gonna get back to what we loved to do. And I don't know who this ‘Thanos' is. My real father was the original owner of my ship.”

“And by ‘what we loved to do’, you mean traveling the high seas, raiding ships, getting treasure and then drink to the point where your crew members ask why is all the rum gone?” He asked in response, almost going as far as placing a red bandana and turning his hair into dreads to look like a pirate before changing back.

“... Not really…” she sheepishly smiled, pulling a list and writing down ‘lay off rum’.

“Well, what do you love to do then?” Discord asked curiously.

“We hunt for treasure. Hear rumors, buy maps, maybe fight some other fellows, but we all want to get our talons on some lost treasure and use it to buy new swag that makes us more fearsome.”

“Wouldn’t that just get the attention of other pirates who want to fight you for your loot? I mean, what your describing makes it sound like the ocean is a sea of thieves.” He asked, wanting to know her thought on that.

“Have you meet other pirates?” She replied with a smirk. “There's a reason why.”

“I’ll just… take your word for it,” He told her, before thinking of another question to ask. “So… with all this talk of piracy, have you considered ever pirating Canterlot in the near future? I know it’s hypothetical, but if I were you, all that treasure in the royal treasury seems too good to pass up.”

“Uh… it's tempting… but I think we'll just take the long way instead of attacking the castle.” One of her crew members entered the set.

“Got the enchanted rope ready to tie up Celestia and Luna, Captain.” Celano’s pupils shrunk, as glass shattering could be heard somewhere, followed by awkward silence.

“… Excuse me for a second.” She got up from her chair and-

Celano sat back on her chair with the crew member’s foot slightly shown in the background, twitching. “As you were saying?”

“Um… Well, we were last talking about if you would consider looting Canterlot, but I’m going to assume that’s strictly off the table now…” The draconequus replied back, sweating a little bit as he rubbed his forehead. “So maybe we should change the topic… I know I asked for your thoughts about Twilight and her friends, but what are your thoughts on Tempest Shadow, now that she’s being forgiven and helping Twilight out?”

“She owes me a lot more than a new ship, I can say that for sure. But since she works for Twilight… I’ll keep a close eye on her. Like a hawk.”

“I bet you will… Also, on a side note,” He asked as he looked back through some of the papers he had. “I think Spike once tried to bite your crystal peg leg… How did that go?”

“Hmm… I think I saw you at that party. Guess that dragon really knocked you out after that hoofball kick.”

“At least you don’t need a replacement leg now…” He chuckled… before letting the thought settle in. “Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude-”

“You know I have other legs? I can easily get my sword leg on and show you a thing or two.”

“N-no, that won’t be necessary…” He gulped, before looking back at her. “Speaking of swords though… I heard that you and Rainbow had a sword fight. How did that go for you?”

“That was just for fun. Nothing serious. That rainbow pegasus said how she wanted to be a pirate if the wonderbolts rejected her.”

“Who do you think would win if you two had a rematch?” He then asked her.

“For fun, her. If it's serious, most likely me.”

“That would be something I’d like to see actually,” Discord replied back to her with a chuckle. “Now… I don’t really have anything else I would like to ask, so is there anything you would like to ask me about or anything you would like to say?”

“... What are you, exactly?”

“Um… a Draconequus? Half Pony-Half Dragon…? Spirit of Chaos? Why, you haven’t heard of me before?” Discord asked, sounding a bit puzzled by Celaeno’s question.

“Nope. You're nothing like what I’ve seen before. And I see more than dragon and pony on you.”

“Well, I haven’t seen any of your kind before either…” He said, before mentioning one other thing. “And I’m just trying to keep things simple. If I tried explaining it to you, it would just sound like Twilight giving a lecture on friendship.”

“... Get me my sword leg!”

Interview #3- Princess Skystar/Queen Novo

“It’s a pleasure to have you here today, Queen Novo,” The spirit of chaos greeted the Queen of Mount Aris as she now took a seat in the room. Only to realize that somepony was… not exactly present. “Where’s your daughter, Skystar? I thought she would be right beside you-” When he finished that statement, all he could hear was a pot crashing on the floor before looking back at Novo. Who was just letting out a rather deep sigh.

“Skystar, get your butt over here.” She spoke with a groan, only for more things to crash.

“Ooh! What's this!? What's what!? Is that another Discord!?” Skystar kept shouting.

“Hey! That’s the camera guy!” Discord replied back, before sighing to himself. “And just when I thought that doing this was going to give me less of a headache… Perhaps, we should get started and see if Skystar would like to join us later.”

“CUDDLE ATTACK!!!” Skystar tackled the other guy, making the camera fall and-

Novo and Discord finished strapping Skystar to a portable chair to make sure that she wasn’t exactly bouncing around the place and causing problems for Discord’s production staff.

“What game is this!?” Skystar yelled. “Surgery!?”

“No… and besides, if it was, then we would need to have professionals do it,” Discord replied. “I just wanted to ask both of you some questions. You know, some basic ones about the Friendship Festival, thoughts on Twilight and her friends, Princess Celestia. You know, those kind of things.”

“Whatever, let's just get this over with.” Novo rolled her eyes, taking her seat.

“So, what were your thoughts on Equestria before the Friendship Festival?”

“I didn't care much for them.”

“I REALLY wanted to meet the ponies!” Skystar yelled.

“And what are your thoughts on them now? Especially with the Storm King defeated and one of the Hippogriffs, Silverstream, attending Twilight’s new school?”

“Anything to keep Celestia from asking us for anything.” Novo replied.

“I want to attend Twilight's school and meet the other students!” Skystar added. “Can you make that happen, PLEASE!?”

“I… can ask her about it and see how that goes… But you’ll also need to ask your mother too-” Discord’s statement immediately led to Skystar trying to get directly in her mother’s face and ask her the same question that she just asked Discord.

“CAN I GO, PLEEEASE!?!?”

“Ugh… only if you stay quiet.” Novo replied. Skystar took a deep breath and held it. Which, Discord at first saw as cute… until he really became concerned with it looked like she was holding her breath too long and that she was going to pass out. “Before she interrupts, what did you want to ask?”

“Well, I was wanting to know if how you felt about Twilight and the others have changed after the thing with the Storm King. She did try to steal something valuable from you I believe.” Discord asked.

“Ugh, don't remind me of that. Just another reason why I don't trust outsiders; you get along with them, but they try to take your prized possession as soon as you look away.”

“Do you think that if you two just talked about it and Twilight explained what was going on that things could’ve gone a lot differently?” The Draconequus now decided to ask. “I mean… talking always seems like a reasonable course of action if you just her them out, right?”

“So is building a wall, but we don't have much materials that can last underwater without it being weathered away.”

“That’s… rather true…” Discord added to the conversation. “But now that the Storm King is no longer a threat to Equestria or your home either… Would you possibly forgive Twilight for what she did? Because she does have a habit of not thinking things through fully when under extreme pressure.”

“Unless she's on some important business with Silverstream or her family, I’d rather want her to stay as far away as possible.”

“O…… kay then,” Discord said, scratching ‘having Novo forgive Twilight’ off of his list with a red marker. “That just about finishes up any questions I had… Would Skystar like to say something before we finish up here-?”

“MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL!!!” She shouted with a hard wheeze.

“...... Has she been going through the science section of the library recently?”

“Anything to keep her away from my beauty sleep.” Novo answered.

“Well, I’ll see if Twilight can take on Skystar as a student so you can get some rest then-” Of course, at that moment was when Skystar tackled the real Discord this time and knocking the camera guy over again.

Interview #4- Capper

“Thank you for coming,” Discord greeted his fourth guest, despite the fact he looked like the victim of a snuggle attack as he looked back at the Abyssinian named Capper. “Sorry about the mess… I just finished an interview earlier with Queen Novo and Princess Skystar. Man, she is just as hyper as Pinkie Pie.”

“The pink pony? Yeah… she was somethin’.” Capper replied. “So, ya’ll want me to answer a few questions?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Discord nodded his head. “Just some basic ones like how did you meet Twilight and her friends, how are things now that the Storm King is done for… Has Spike told you that he has a crush on Rarity? You know, things like that.”

“Eh… it's not that great. I had some serious debt to pay, and seeing all 6 of those ponies told me I could sell them all in one go. And I’m glad that Storm King’s gone; I’m free from my debt! But a baby dragon having a crush on a mare like her? Yeah… pretty sure Equestrian laws don't allow adults to date minors, even if they are a different species.”

“To each their own,” Discord told him. “Speaking of which… has Rarity told you about her pet cat, Opal?” This got Capper's full attention.

“Excuse me? That fancy unicorn has a pet cat?”

“Why yes… In fact, it’s right next to you.” He said, pointing to the mini table that was right next to Capper. Sure enough, Rarity’s pet cat was standing there, staring at the abyssinian.

“... WHAT THE FU-”

“Okay okay, she’s gone… sorry for almost traumatizing you,” Discord said apologetically. “I didn’t think you would react like that.” Capper rocked in a corner in a fetal position, his claws scratching his head.

“Everything I knew was a lie… Rarity wanted me as a pet, not a friend... “

“Now now… I’m sure it’s not like that… I think this is just a whole misunderstanding…” The Draconequus ushered. “A whole complex… and really complicated misunderstanding. You’re a great friend Capper. Don’t let anything or anypony else tell you differently.” Of course… it was as he was saying this that he heard a knock on the door. Which was unexpected because only a few ponies knew about where he lived.

“Discord… um, I know you’re busy… but Rarity wanted to ask you about something that involved Opal disappearing while she had clients over…” He heard Fluttershy say from outside. Which… did not entirely make the situation go well for either him or Capper at that point.

“YOU WANTED ME TO KNOW OF THIS!?!?!?” Capper grabbed Discord by his suit. “THAT I’M NOTHING MORE BUT A GLORIFIED DIAMOND DOG!?!?!?”

“No no! That’s not what I meant-”

“Is that Capper in there? Rarity, I think Capper’s inside.”

“Oh really? I had been wondering when I will be seeing that cute Gentlecat again… I have been waiting for when he was going to ask me out on a date, but it’s been hard to find him…” They both heard Rarity now speak from outside.

“I just found it weird… that’s all. It’s the equivalent of seeing somepony with a pet parrot and knowing about Captain Celaeno…” Discord told him honestly as he had Capper loosen the grip from his suit. “I just wanted to ask a question… but I think it went a bit too far and I’m sorry for that.”

“... Well… it's time for me to do what I need to do…” He took his coat off, now naked. “Meow… meow… purr.”

“No no…” Discord facepalmed himself “That’s not what we're going to do.” That was when Discord snapped his fingers, having Capper appear in a fancy outlaw’s jacket as the entire set became a dance floor. And for added measure, he added a rose in Capper’s paw. “What we are going to do… is show her how better you are…”

Going to a nearby stereo, he soon played a old cassette tape of some romantic dance music as he looked back at him with a wink. “Go get her, tiger.”

“Uh…” Of course, it didn’t help that around then was when the door opened… and Rarity was the first pony to step inside.

“Oh my… A new jacket? I must say, it looks really good on you.”

“Capper was wanting to learn more about how dancing works in Equestria.” Discord told him, putting the Abyssinian on the hot seat as Rarity moved a little closer.

“Oh did he… Well, would you mind if I join in?” She asked him, offering one of her hooves to Capper while Fluttershy went over to where Discord was standing. “After all, dancing to music like this normally works best in pairs.”

“Uh…” Capper muttered, unsure what to say.

“Lost with words?” Rarity said… before using her magic to pull Capper in for a kiss. “Then perhaps actions speak louder in this instance.”

And as they began their dance, Discord chuckled for a moment before looking back at Fluttershy. “It’s just like the chorus of the song… He’s hooked on a feeling.”

The Next Day

“Um… Twilight?” Spike said upon entering Twilight’s room at the school of friendship. For a moment, the princess thought that this was going to be some form of backlash from what Chancellor Neighsay said about her students and also the possibility of the school getting shut down. But… as it happened to turn out… it was something different. “You got a visitor this morning.”

For a second, Twilight almost spilled her morning tea as she looked back at the dragon that was her assistant. “Really? Who-?”

“HEYA, TWILIGHT!!! I’m here to learn everything!” Skystar bursted in, knocking the door to the room off its hinges and did multiple, excited steps, ready to do whatever's asked of her. Leaving Twilight thrown off guard to the point where she actually spilled her tea all over herself this time.

“Novo… if this is some way to punish me for stealing that pearl, then I completely deserve it,” She thought to herself, before getting up and deciding that she was going to introduce them to some other ponies that will be her classmates.

But it was then though… that she happened to notice something. Tempest was not outside where she normally would be when it came to standing guard. “Um Spike… where’s Tempest?”

“She said that she had some… personal matters to attend to this morning… Not sure what she meant by that-” Of course, when Spike was trying to explain that to her, that was when they heard something that was the equivalent of… banjo music?

“GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARD!!!” Tempest’s voice shook the place. Twilight, Spike, and Skystar looked out, seeing Tempest chase the weird creature called Grubber, who was stuffing his face with cake as he ran.

“I said I was sorry!” He spoke with his lisp. “And I’m really hungry!”

“I’m gonna shove my hoof down your throat! How do you like that!?” she shouted. “And that cake was for me!!”

All Twilight could do was facehoof herself as Tempest continued to chase Grubber everywhere he went. One thing was for sure… this was going to be a very long semester.

Author's Note

Quick note... Despite what the subject says, the only ones who would be involved in the interview process are those with direct connections to the incident with the Storm King. Meaning that there's no interview here with Songbird Serenade.

Still, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and have a good day.
-Frost

Episode 16: FIHA and the Equus Cup

Author's Note

You probably expected Discord to do an episode on sports... but with the fact that we had the 2018 World Cup this year, I thought I would have this Episode pay a bit of Tribute to the first episode that Last Week Tonight covered on FIFA. With a bit of an Equestrian twist to it... I still hope you enjoyed it nonetheless.
-Frost

Episode 16: FIHA and the Equus Cup

A week after his original piece where he had interviewed all of the creatures that were involved in the events that transpired from the Friendship Festival Incident, Discord… decided to try and think of a different subject in terms with what the next episode should be about. But there had been one thing that he thought about earlier in the week when he was reading about some upcoming events in sports. Something that, to him, was fun to watch… but not exactly fun to participate in. Mostly because he would swear to not use his chaos magic during a match and it would be more than likely that his lion paw claws or eagle talons would accidentally pop any inflated ball that’s thrown his way.

Though, there was one sport that was played not just throughout Equestria, but in other countries that was a worldwide phenomenon. Soccer, or as it’s known abroad, Hoofball. And every four years, there was a massive tournament where multiple countries from across the world competed in a single place to win what’s called the ‘Equus Cup’. It was something that Discord liked and the sport itself was something that he found entertaining…… but when he began to look more into them… that was when he began to find some of the more troubling things with the organization that were really not a good sign for the sport in general.

So, after he made some preparations for the next episode and everypony that was in the crowd decided to take a seat, the draconequus decided to put a spin on the opening for it. “Welcome everypony to Last Week Tonight… I’m Discord, thank you so much for joining us tonight,” He said, shortly before clearing his throat. “Now… Tonight is going to be a little bit different than what we normally cover than previous weeks, but I think you’ll still be entertained by what’s in store.”

As he straightened his tie and looked back at the crowd, he then began to speak. “But before we begin… I would like to talk to you about something called the ‘Sausage Principle’. Meaning that if you love something… NEVER find out how it’s made. Well, tonight… I would like to show you my sausage-” Just as he was about to finish that, he heard several loud cheers in the background, causing Discord to try and clarify things. “Wait, wait wait! Hang on a minute… Wait… Let me show you my sausage.”

“The 2018 FIHA Equus Cup”

And just that statement alone had Discord sound like a fangirl that was attending a Countess Coloratura concert, shortly before coming back to his senses. “The Equus Cup is coming this summer and it is something that I am both excited for… and extremely conflicted about. I know, I know that when most of you think of soccer, you see it as that one thing that all the school children are playing at recess or that one thing that you need to pick up your child from every tuesday and thursday afternoon… but to me and everybody else around the planet, this is something that’s particularly a little more important than that. But don’t take it from me… just listen to this.”

“In Hayzil, Soccer is seen as the country's religion.”

“Soccer, or Hoofball in the country of Somnambula, is seen as a religion amongst players and fans, no matter what age. The same could also be said for other countries in Zebrafica, such as Maretania.”

“Hoofball, or soccer as you ponies say in Equestria… it’s a religion here.”

After that short clip montage, the camera immediately went back to Discord. “And they’re not exaggerating about that. In fact, when one pony on a team in Neighland got a tattoo of Celestia on his chest before beginning the first game of the season, all the fans oversees were like… ‘Oh, that’s BIG for Celestia’.” He said, looking at the image of said pony before looking back at the crowd. “That is a very big deal for her right there.”

Of course… now was the time in order for him to change to a bit of a more serious tone. “However… despite all of these fun things… here is where I am conflicted though. The Equus Cup is one of my favorite things that I have gotten into most recently… The problem is, they’re run by these guys… FIHA, the organization behind the games,” He said, having the logo for the organization appear on the top left corner of the screen. “You either know them as the 'Fédération Internationale de Hoofball Association' ...... or that one soccer video game that you have lying around your house somewhere.”

At the last part, a picture of the game lying around in a cluttered bedroom was shown as the game itself was hidden under a pile of other video games. “But for Equestrian viewers who haven’t encountered them before… FIHA is comically gross to the point that telling somepony about for the first time is like showing a disturbing picture or video that you only show to others to get horrified reactions. Like if you show your naughty ship fic of Twilight and Celestia… to Twilight and Celestia,” That was followed by both Twilight and Celestia looking at a scroll with the expression that they’re about to throw up because of how sick they feel. “It’s something you should not do under any circumstances, but if you do, that’s what they’ll look like.”

The Spirit of Chaos soon focused his attention back towards his audience as he took a deep breath. “So, let’s start on where the games last took place. The country of Hayzil. Those who live in it, no matter what creature they are… are excited about everything and they hold big celebrations like these for almost any major holiday you can think of,” He said, while showing footage of a Hayzilian Parade with all the costumes and everything. “It’s like the party capital of the world… and also the place for Pinkie Pie’s next vacation destination… They are also some of the biggest soccer fans on the planet, so they surely must have been excited to host the Equus cup, right?”

“It’s been several months of unrest in the cities slums and markets, where protesters clashed with police in riot gear… It is in these areas that many ponies have demonstrated against Hayzil hosting the world cup.”

That had Discord blink a little bit, before looking confused. “That makes no sense… Why would you be upset and angry hosting the one thing you love the most in all of the world?”

“The Government of Hayzil has spent more than 11 billion bits to make preparations for the Equus Cup.”

“The Equestrian Team will be facing off in their second game here in the city of Maneaus, in this brand new 270 million bit stadium… The city is so remote that it’s almost impossible to reach by chariot or by carriage. So officials decided that the materials had to be shipped by boat, along the winding bends of the Amarezon river.”

“Okay, well that does sound like a huge waste of bits… For several main reasons. One, that stadium was only used to host four games out of the entire 2014 tournament. Two, there’s no local teams or soccer league that could use the stadium after the games were open. You could’ve used that land for almost anything else, like housing or a school and instead, you put a stadium there,” Discord said as he counted off the reasons why. “And since that tournament… that place is just being used as a parking lot for carriages. Which… makes sense. Because in this instance, they paved paradise… and then literally put up a parking lot.”

The crowd took a moment to laugh at that part, before the draconequus continued. “But that’s just only the beginning. Because wait until you hear what the countries in those games actually get in return for being the host country.” It was then that Discord put up a clip from CNN (Canterlot News Network) from four years back as two anchors were discussing the whole controversy with Hayzil.

“But aren’t they going to make money as well…?”

“Well no and this is where the controversy is. The country doesn’t make the money, FIHA is the one that’s making all of the money since they’re the organization that runs the events.”

After that notion, Discord looked back at his audience and began to speak more in depth about it. “And that’s just the beginning… FIHA and FIHA officials are exempt from any taxes whatsoever. No matter if it’s state level, municipality level, compensation taxes, income taxes and numerous other ones. Which, sounds like the plan that Dr. Cabelleron would set up to fund another expedition by reaping the profits from a Daring Do convention… or setting up a fundraiser that only benefits yourself.”

That was followed by what looked like an image of Blueblood starting a fundraising campaign titled “Fame and Fortune for yours truly” with a grin that looks like he does not give a buck. “Of course, FIHA insists to all of us that they leave a lot behind aside from a stadium in the middle of Hayzil that had no real purpose for the future… like for example, new laws,” The draconequus followed that up with another graphic of FIHA’s logo. “Because before the games began, Hayzil passed a law that made it forbidden to sell beer and cider at soccer stadiums, which seems rather simple and potentially lifesaving even… The only problem is, one of FIHA’s biggest sponsors for the Equus Cup is Buckweiser… and they have a product that they reflective insist on calling ‘beer’.”

The crowd took a moment to laugh at that to the point that Discord was doing air quotes around the part where he said beer. Just before he dove in a little deeper. “And FIHA at the time… were so insistent on protecting Buckweiser from a law that was made to protect fans and everyone else in Hayzil. Which is crazy enough when you hear it like that… but what makes this insane was that FIHA actually won. They successfully pressured Hayzil, the country that they allowed to host the Equus Cup, to pass a ‘Buckweiser Bill’ that allowed for the selling of alcohol in soccer stadiums. And at this point, you can be horrified that something like that actually happened… or be relieved that FIHA was not also sponsored by powdered sugar and broadswords.”

That had the whole crowd laughing as it showed a crowd member cheering on their team while having swords for hooves and looking like he snorted sugar like it was some kind of drug. But the draconequus was not entirely done with explaining about past decisions that FIHA had made. “Hayzil though is lucky that it only forced that on them… because when the games were in South Zebrafica, FIHA forced the creation of an actual court system called the ‘FIHA Equus cup courts’… which sounds humorous. It’s the equivalent of walking into Carousel Boutique and being brought in front of Judge Rarity because your outfit is seen as a fashion crime.”

That was followed up with an image of what looked like Discord looking like the defendant in Rarity’s court as Discord had his head turn exactly like hers and began to impersonate her. “Darling, that hat and your suit are downright atrocious! I sentence you to five hours of IMMEDIATE FASHION MAKEOVER!”

Which, got the whole room laughing for a moment… until Discord turned back to normal and began to act a lot more serious. “Except… These courts were actually real. Two Zebra’s that robbed foreign journalists one day were arrested immediately the day after and then began serving fifteen year jail sentences the next day… Which doesn’t even seem like proper justice given how rushed that was… It’s like when you order pizza and have it show up at your door like three minutes later.” At that point, Discord heard a doorbell ring as he looked at an image of a delivery mare carrying a pizza box. “Uh well thanks, but that was too quick… I don’t think you had time to make this properly.”

Of course, that was when the draconequus redirected his attention to the subject at hand… and hid a pizza box under his desk before continuing. “But there’s a bit of a paradox in these guys setting up any form of courts… given the amount of legal problems and scandals that have plagued their reputation over the years.”

“The governing body of Hoofball is trying to perform damage control by suspending several executives on corruption charges. This comes a few weeks after the Vice President, Buck Warner, resigned from his post after it came to light that he was at the center of several bribery accusations.”

“Bribery and FIHA are sort of like two sides of the same coin here…”

“There’s been so many accusations that FIHA has had to deal with that it’s honestly hard to keep track of them all.”

That last one had some of the crowd gasp a bit as Discord looked back at the crowd. “You know that things look bad for you when the lawyers for your own organization cannot keep track of the amount of lawsuits that keep piling up…” That was followed by an image of mares in a lawyers office neck deep in paperwork and lawsuits. “Yet, even with all of this batsh*t crazy legal mess… Their president at the time still insisted that they were a humble… nonprofit organization in this interview here.”

“We are a nonprofit organization… and we have to remain a nonprofit-”

“A nonprofit with over a billion bits in the bank?”

“Yeah, but this here is a reserve…”

That had the whole crowd shocked and also startled Discord personally. “A reserve? A reserve of a billion bits? Um… may I remind everypony that if have to check your charity’s funds in order to see if there are any swimming Filthy Rich’s because of how big it is, you don’t have the right to call yourself a nonprofit anymore.”

After a few moments of the crowd laughing, Discord redirected his attention to the stallion in question that was being interviewed. “That stallion you just saw though… is known as Corner Pitch. He was originally the former president for the organization before being pressured to resign two years ago following numerous different accusations that have pissed many ponies off across the board. This includes accusations around providing so called ‘promised votes’ for certain countries to receive the Equus cup, only to be completely unhelpful when this year's tournament is being hosted in Stalliongrad instead of Neighland; Accusations of taking bribes from foreign diplomats in order to be able to have more benefits from FIHA. It’s a little bit complex to explain in one sitting, but there’s one HUGE takeaway from this that we need to consider and that’s it’s future. Because a year before he resigned from his position, the Equus Cup for 2022 was already decided.”

“The winner… to organize… the 2022 Equus world cup is… Klugetown!”

That had Discord look back at his audience with an appalled face. “Klugetown…? In the middle of the Bone Dry Desert? I can think of one to fifty reasons why that is a completely bad idea. For one thing, it can get up to a hundred and twenty degrees in the middle of summer… and not to mention the fact that they don’t even have the necessary building materials or proper funding to build a stadium. You’re basically asking for them to play a game of soccer… in a place that cannot physically be played at all. Like if ponies organized to host a Buckball championship in a lake.”

The image of Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and several other Buckball players floating above water while everything else was submerged really got the crowd laughing here, just before Discord continued. “And even though Corner is gone, you may think that they may rethink on this… but in a press release, it still shows that FIHA really wants to go along with this and if possible, they will build the stadiums themselves. Which is a prominent sign for everyone there to start evacuating right now.” A new image was now seen, almost like it was a storm warning, but it instead read ‘A stadium is being built in your area. Evacuate immediately!’

“I really do hope that by now… I’ve shown you how much of a giant clusterf*ck FIHA is… and yet, here is their power…” Discord said, before looking back at the audience. “I am still excited for the Equus cup this year! Why, you may ask? Well, it all wraps back around to where we first started at the beginning of this show.”

“Hoofball, or soccer as you ponies say in Equestria… it’s a religion here.”

“But there’s more to it than just that. This here is an organized one that’s worshipped worldwide… and FIHA right now is their church. Think of it… it’s leaders, both old and new, act as if they are foolproof and perfect, they compel countries to spend money they obvious don’t have to build lavish and extravagant temples of worship, and it may be solely responsible for future casualties that happen within the Bone Dry Desert… But… But for millions of other individuals like me around the world who love this sport, it also is the protector and guardian of the only thing in our lives… that gives us any meaning.” That had a surprise amount of people laugh their flanks off, mostly because some of the ones in the crowd could relate to what they were talking about.

And on that note, Discord ended it with a final note. “And if that doesn’t give Equestrians a reason to love soccer… then pretty much nothing ever will.”

The following morning

When Twilight woke up, things… did not seem to feel out of the ordinary. Of course, by that, she meant that there were no ponies trying to rush her at the door, no instances of Tempest chasing after Grubber as well as no one trying to give her an early morning dramatic wake up call like Skystar did the previous week. Though… one thing that she did notice though really surprised her.

That being Spike playing soccer with several other kids like Applebloom and her friends from class. Something more… relaxing compared to last week, when the primary source of entertainment for the students to watch was what looked like a murderous game of tag between Tempest and Grubber.

“Hey, Twilight!” She heard her assistant Spike call out to her, but the main thing that stood out to her was that Spike was wearing what looked like a soccer jersey on. “How are you this morning?”

“Alright… Where did you get that jersey though?”

“Oh Discord gave it to me,” he replied back, which almost made Twilight twitch in response. “Turns out, he’s a big fan of soccer and likes watching a lot of the games.”

“How… did you two even get on the subject of that?” Twilight replied back.

“Well, he was looking for ideas on how to take a break from the ‘usual’ topics that he does on his late night show, so I asked him if he’s into things like sports. He told me that he liked soccer, I told him I liked soccer and things… kind of went from there.” Spike said, shortly before going outside to get the newspaper and the mail.

“Oh dear Celestia, what in the world is Discord trying to do now…?” Twilight facepalmed herself. “I swear, there’s always something new every week that either makes me so lost in translation or makes me so angry that I want to throw somepony into a mountain…”

Just as she said that though, what looked like a small TV stand appeared in her room out of thin air with a small box that had a sticky note that said ‘Play me’. Something that was definitely Discord’s handiwork… and left Twilight saying one thing. “So… let’s see what does he have to say this time…”

Episode 17: The Royal Guard

After his episode that focused on the Equus Cup and how an uphauling mess that was the FIHA organization still remained a ‘non-profit’ (despite draining money from other countries like parasites), Discord decided to take some time in order to look over what he had discussed in previous episodes and realized a… somewhat common trend. From his first episode onward, there was always some kind of jab at the Royal Guard from their best personal record being 3 out of 10 during target practice to when two guards were arguing over Princess Twilight’s book in the middle of Canterlot when Luna was covering for him. But, he never had done a piece that actually was about the Royal Guard.

So, in order to prepare for this, Discord needed to be able to learn more about the subject from an… expert, so to speak. That expert being Shining Armor, for he served as a Captain of the Royal Guard before getting married to Princess Cadence. In the Draconequus’ mind, his experience being in the Royal Guard would definitely help with the subject, because there was a lot of things that Discord wanted to cover in this piece. All of which, seemed rather important… especially with some of the news about the royal guard being overshadowed by practically everything else out in the world.

But there was one perfect way in order to start off the show this evening to get the crowd’s attention. And that was by putting in something really funny and adorable to get the crowd laughing as he had the introduction for his episode begin. “Welcome, Welcome to Last Week Tonight! I’m Discord, thank you so much for joining us and tonight, we have a lot to cover. So sit back and relax because this is going to get interesting.” He explained to them, straightening out his black suit jacket before introducing his audience to the topic of the evening.

“Our main story concerns The Royal Guard… otherwise referred to by many as ‘those stallions who stand around in armor all day’ or as this suggests… A sleeping post for a very tired princess.”

That was followed by a clip what looked like Twilight standing next to a royal guard, before falling asleep and leaning on a Royal Guard standing next to her… as that guard was still trying to maintain his composure. Which, had the entire crowd laughing in response as Discord decided to speak up after the clip ended. “You know what I like about that… The fact that guard in that clip was doing his best to try and not wake her up by saying ‘Senpai noticed me!!’.”

Another laugh was followed shortly after that, before the spirit of chaos began to continue speaking. “Now… you might recall some of the previous times that we have talked about the Royal Guard on the side from their ‘record’ of hitting 3 out of 10 shots in target practice, to when Luna told you about two guards, who were supposed to be on duty protecting Celestia, were instead arguing about Twilight’s new book… But tonight, we’re going to look at the royal guard in it’s entirely. Most specifically, because of instances like this.”

“Sources have told EBC news that during the friendship festival, the Royal Guard was given a day off by Celestia… because they were not expecting any attacks on Equestria’s capital. Even though they were inviting foreign diplomats from neighboring countries.”

All that did was cause Discord to facepaw himself before looking back at the camera. “Are you f*cking kidding me? Celestia, I get that you have a celebration going on, but you have to at least have some form of security during high profile events. You can’t treat this like a potluck at a public park and just wing it with whatever you bring to the gathering.” That was followed by a picture of all the leaders of different countries sitting around a table and conversing amongst themselves… in the middle of Ponyville’s local park.

“More importantly though… this seems almost a repeat occurrence with something big happening and the Royal Guard not present to protect the public,” Discord continued as he began to count them off. “During the Royal Wedding, they were there for the ceremony, but scattered shortly after the changelings broke in and caused massive pandemonium… Then there was Tirek, where the guards were left utterly defenseless when the Centaur drank up their magic like it was a soda concession at a movie theater… And lets not forget when Chrysalis was back for revenge when she kidnapped everypony expect for Thorax, Starlight, Trixie and… of course, yours truly and we had to rescue everypony.”

With that, the picture on the main screen soon returned to the title image as the draconequus continued to speak. “So for tonight, let’s talk about the royal guard… how it’s set up, what are the cadets being trained, who do they serve the most, how prepared are they when an all out crisis begins and… just for the heck of it, what exactly do they do in their off time? And I mean, what do they do other than arguing about friendship lessons in Twilight’s book.” That last statement was followed by a brief image of the argument that he was referring to, shortly before changing it back to the title image and addressing the first question.

“So, let’s start with the first question… How is the royal guard set up?” The draconequus spoke up as he looked back at the audience. “Well, earlier this week, I had the chance to be able to speak with Shining Armor, Former Captain of the Royal Guard and Princess Cadence’s personal snuggle pony… and here’s what he told me.”

“Well, before you can be able to become a part of the Royal Guard or any of it’s divisions, there’s supposed to be an entrance exam to show that you have the traits and qualifications to fit this position. There’s both a written test and also a physical test, and you need to do well in order to pass and be accepted.”

“Are these tests the same thing across the board or does it vary somehow? Like are there testing areas aside from Canterlot?”

“No. Everypony is administered the test in a training facility underneath Canterlot Castle and they must go through the same thing. However, your score on the tests determine where you are deployed as a cadet. And each station goes through different kinds of training, no matter who’s in charge.”

Discord took a moment to catch his breath as he looked back at the crowd. “He’s right… The recruitment tests all take place in Canterlot, but your score can also affect where you are stationed. That sounds less like recruitment for a military and more like placement levels in specialized schools… Why else do you think there are special ed classes in schools nowadays? You’ve got to tell me that such a thing isn’t a coincidence.”

That was seen as comical for a brief moment… until Discord got to some of the more serious bits of the piece. “However, when Shining says that each station goes through different kinds of training… that is not exactly good. Because once a year, the Royal Guard hosts a joint exercise with all the different stations across Equestria. And one of the biggest problems that is noticed from those exercises is that since numerous different soldiers were trained very differently from one another, when you put a group of them together from different deployments, they can’t be able to work together because they don’t understand what they are talking about.”

Hearing that had a lot of the crowd surprised… but Discord had a perfect tidbit to add on to it. “The only other place that you would find better coordination than these guys would be at the annual Filly Scout Jamboree,” That was followed by what looked like a troop of Filly Scouts beating a random group of Royal Guard cadets in various exercises and getting awards for it afterwards. “See? Those fillies really need to be well coordinated if they are going to be selling you boxes of cookies. Trust me… it already worked on me.”

It was then that Discord had a huge stockpile of Filly Scout cookies lay on his desk before passing some of them around for his guests to have as a snack, before picking up where he left off. “The point is though… if training them to do their jobs is so dysfunctional, then who the hell is actually in charge of it? You may remember one other pony that we had mentioned before called Scorched Ash. The same mare that we pointed out is the Captain of the Royal Guard, but also famously smashed Shining Armor through a wall… So we asked her that same question and her response… was a bit shocking.”

“Most of the ponies that are in charge of different platoons are have connections with very powerful nobles. A lot of them, who… to say the least… had the ‘old Blueblood’ mindset. There are only a few ponies that are like me, who think that the guard should be for protecting everypony, but Shining Armor is in the Crystal Empire and I am only in charge of the Canterlot division.”

“Seriously? Has anypony ever tried to speak up about it?”

“Some do, but most are too afraid. Because speaking up against a commander will lead to you to get scolded, demoted or even being discharged. Going as far as making up statements that you threatened a commanding officer just because you were trying to do something right.”

Hearing that had everypony in the crowd stunned. Some to the point where they almost dropped their cookies and Discord had to use his magic to make sure they didn’t drop on the floor. “Woah… Getting kicked out for trying to do something right… That’s not a way to discharge a soldier from service. That’s what happens when you stand up to a mean mare when you are in their social group,” The image showed a scenario of Spoiled Rich looking at somepony else that was trying to defend what looked like Diamond Tiara as the draconequus began to impersonate Spoiled, going as far as to have his head look exactly like hers and take on her voice too. “You there! You no longer part of our group and I’m calling the guards on you for trying to filly-nap my daughter! I don’t care if you say that wasn’t the truth. What you say is fake news!!”

Changing back to his normal self now, he then looked back at the audience as he took a deep breath. “Now, the relationship between the guard and the cities and communities that they are serving is supposed to be a cornerstone for civilized society. But rushed training and improper conduct while on the job has caused this relationship to whither. Which brings us to the second question that we are trying to answer tonight… What are they being trained? And for that, let’s start with the basics. Now, as all members of the guard will tell you, no matter what rank you are in the force, they have a very dangerous and particularly challenging job to do, but that’s all the more reason that it and the training required for the job is done to the highest standard… The Cakes back at Sugarcube Corner have a challenging job, but the only thing that would happen if one of them f*cks up is that you get a cake that ends up wishing somepony a ‘Happy Analversary’.”

Of course, that was followed by the image of the exact cake that Discord was talking about, with the pink lettering on the cake spelling out ‘Happy Analversary Cranky and Matilda’. “It’s obviously not ideal… but who knows? Maybe it’s their analversary too…” The draconequus shrugged at that, before getting back on topic and having the image change back to the title picture. “Now, earlier in the show, it was mentioned by Shining Armor that each branch trains their cadets different and when we looked into it, that was what we found. However though… what was really troubling was that certain mandatory training sessions that are required from all branches were cast off as ‘optional’ in some cities like Las Pegasus and also San Franciscolt. Including… and this is true… Emergency Preparedness. However, one of the commanders for that branch in San Franciscolt tried to play it off rather differently.”

“We don’t need it because as a guard, you’re supposed to be prepared at all times. Not to mention the fact that most of us are lucky that something doesn’t happen to them or this city-”

“Okay, stop right there…” Discord interrupted in the middle of the clip. “For the record… nopony can ever be very prepared at all times. Twilight and her friends happen to find that out every single week… and secondly, he’s referring to luck as it is some kind of superpower… which is obviously bullsh*t,” He pointed out. “Because my good friend from our Personal Protection piece, the one who did the PSA… would tell you this.”

“Luck isn’t a superpower… It’s certainly not very cinematic…”

“He’s right!” Discord proclaimed, before adding an extra tidbit to get some more laughs, “Though, if anypony else says that it is, let’s just meet in the middle and say no it isn’t… This is just only a small piece of an even bigger problem… because if the Guard aren’t prepared to be able to do their job, bad things can happen and they won’t be able to do anything about it. And nopony would like it when something is going on and a guard is standing there and says ‘I’m not trained for that. It’s not my f*cking problem’.”

That had the crowd chuckle in response as the draconequus shifted images again back to the title screen. “And this isn’t just exclusive to one city… in fact, journalists have found that Canterlot was the only place where the guards at the castle get complete training out of all the other departments and are even seen by the princess afterwards… yet, there was one instance when some rookies were lined up in front of the princess… and when a bee stung them, they ended up saying the one thing that you should NOT ever say to Celestia.”

“Argh, buck! Celestia’s flaming tits!!”

That had a lot of the crowd gasp in shock and surprise, including Discord as he began to form a response. “Come on!! I know that’s funny, but you can’t say that in front of the princess!! That’s like calling me a Crazy Chimera! That’s is insulting and supposed to be something you keep locked up inside your head! It’s an indoor thought!!”

The crowd went off in an uproar of laughter, just around the same time that he cleared his throat and began to speak… “So… after what happens with their training, whether complete or not, you would think that the Royal Guard are used to protect the public right? Well, just two weeks ago, the Environmental Secretary of Canterlot… and a guy who looks like a potential criminal mastermind in the world of the Power Ponies… might give us some light as to where some of these ponies end up going.

“The Environmental Secretary, Oak Tree, is under fire tonight by members of the Canterlot Council. Questioning him about certain unnecessary expenses, including a full on security team of Royal Guards for both him and his wife.”

That… had Discord’s eyes widen immensely. “A full on security team? That’s like five ponies guarding one pony each and this is for a couple. Making that ten ponies! The only reason why it would ever be necessary to have that big of a security team should be if Songbird Serenade and Countess Coloratura were to do a surprise Duet at Colt-chella! And you would have to agree with me on the fact that if they did sing together, they would blow the roof off…… and in the sense that they actually have to have a roof built over the event so they can blow it off and launch it into space afterwards.”

The image of such an event, and with Songbird Serenade and Countess Coloratura performing a duet, was enough for the crowd to start laughing uncontrollably. “And it’s not just guards being asked to escort ponies like that… Many guards usually patrol around the castle, which is normal… but what’s really weird is that sometimes, guards are told to stay clear of so called ‘problem areas’ at particular times, claiming that it might be too dangerous for them. And that sounds suspicious. Because if you are a guard, you’re supposed to be going towards danger… not away from it. No soldier in the history of the Royal Guard has gotten an award for cowardly avoiding problems.”

It was a valid point… but also, there was one thing Discord needed to add to that. “But here is what’s shocking… it turns out that there may be a reason for them avoiding those zones… and you are not going to believe why… or for that matter, who had the balls to talk about it…”

“Many Nobles have ties with the Royal Guard to the point that they are considered like acting generals… back in the day, I felt the same way and had soldiers avoid certain areas because that was where some of us were going to be… and some nobles took advantage of that to basically do whatever they want and take what they thought was there's.”

“So… are you saying that the nobles stole from those who the guard are supposed to be protecting from crime in the first place?”

“Yes and when a guard actually spots someone doing it, they ended up getting ratted out by everypony else. They just assume that they were ignoring orders, only for the truth to actually be much different.”

That… left a lot of ponies surprised… especially when Discord said who that stallion was. “That was none other that Prince F*cking Blueblood telling us that the Nobles hold the Royal Guard in the base of their hooves like a supervillain who has a mole in the Maretropolis Police Department,” The Draconequus explained. “It’s definitely not what any of us would expect… but at least it shows that he’s being committed to his new year's resolution this year.”

An image of a scroll that said ‘New years resolution- Don’t be a douche’ was now shown as it was also signed by Prince Blueblood, which got the crowd laughing their flanks off, before the spirit of chaos got their attention again. “So, out of everything you have seen and heard so far… you might feel that you are going to make yourself sick if you hear anything else. But you are going to have to pace yourself… because that same philosophy of staying away from danger leads to the second to last question that we have to answer, which is how prepared are they… Well, remember that joint exercise from earlier? You know, the one where I compared groups of them to filly scouts at a jamboree? Well, that exercise that they were doing was supposed to be a mock emergency, where ponies would only have a limited amount of time to try and respond to a crisis and figure out how to solve a problem. Well… It turns out that out of the twelve squads that they formed for the exercise, only two actually passed… which, in essence, is another academy record.”

That had the crowd laugh another time as Discord brought up the target practice record from the ‘Royalty’ episode. “They can go right next to each other in whatever they call a hall of fame,” He took a moment to pause and straighten up his jacket, shortly before getting back on track. “But those kind of lackluster records aren’t exactly good for the rest of us. Because it means that out of the hundreds of ponies who have a position as a guard, only a hoof-full of them know what they are actually doing, which doesn’t really inspire confidence… Remember the cake decorator joke I made earlier? Picture that, put them next to a line of other cake decorators and would it inspire confidence if only one of them have not screwed up your cake to say ‘Happy Analversary’...”

And finally, that was when Discord got to the last point that they were needing to reach. “So… with that in mind… and everything that you have heard of so far… What the hell do these guys do in their spare time when they are ignoring nobles doing something douchey, not succeeding at emergency drills and accidentally using Celestia’s unmentionables as profane language… Well, the answer to that might surprise you.”

“On their off time, members of the Royal Guard have their own way of having fun. Sometimes it’s books and board games… other times it’s roleplaying and dressing up. Some even go as far as putting on makeup so their appearance can resemble that of a mare.”

That… had Discord, along with everypony else in the crowd, not believe what they just witnessed. It even had the draconequus have his eyes come out of his socket, so he could clean them with a handkerchief and putting them back in, just to make sure he was seeing it right. “Okay… it is really disturbing to see that, but I really need to tell them that if they are trying to somehow act pretty… they’re doing it wrong. Big Macintosh did a better job at that and the only reason why he was doing it was because Applejack was out of town and Apple Bloom needed a substitute for the Sisterhooves Social. These guys have no reason for doing it whatsoever!!”

An image of a disguised Big Mac was soon presented as he was hugging Apple Bloom in a rather awkward picture. Shortly before the spirit of chaos took a deep breath. “So that… at its core, is the Royal Guard. The ponies that are supposed to Serve and Protect, even though they are always somehow f*cking up the one job that was assigned to them. Now comes the question… what are we going to do to fix that? Well, for starters, Scorched Ash is working with Shining Armor in order to reform the royal guard and also make it to where the ponies in charge of particular divisions have no conflicts of interest. Which is great… However, the problem is, there are not a lot of ponies that have the qualifications to fill those vacancies. Yet… I would like to suggest one idea.”

That had the crowd seem a little bit confused as they looked back at Discord. “You might recall that two weeks ago, I happened to have a rather… enlightening conversation with Tempest Shadow. Former commander of the Storm King’s legion and now a special effects artist in Applewood. She was the one who lead the attack on Canterlot in the first place… So, why not have her play a role in defending us from future attacks? Because at this moment… your safety is in the hooves of a bunch of ponies who think that pretending to be mares is the best way to spend free time. And that leaves it with the question that we all need to ask ourselves… would you trust them… or would you trust somepony who knows a thing or two about military experience to protect you? If it were me, I would put my bet on Tempest.”

The Following day…

The sound of hooves knocking on the door to Tempest’s apartment was what woke up the former commander of the Storm King’s armada as the unicorn slowly woke up out of her bed. It had been a month since she was asked to be a special effects artist for a movie mogul here in Equestria’s movie capital and much longer since the defeat of the Storm King. She had been doing… alright for the most part. Helping with guard duty at Twilight’s school on the side and making ends meet with her job here. However… being here was not what she thought it would be like. She really wanted to change herself and thought that a new career would help that.

Yet, there were two things that she did not take into account… matter of fact, three things. First, there was the fact that she was being paid by the hour… and not making as much of a profit as others in the same field. Second, she had come to learn that a lot of the professionals in this line of work… were extremely sexist. And lastly, there was the fact that the pay that she was getting… was only just enough in order to pay her rent.

And in Tempest’s mind, she thought that the pony banging at the door was her landlord. “Urgh… I’m coming… Just give me a minute!” She said, rushing over to the door and opening it. “Mister, I told you that I paid my rent last week-”

However… much to her surprise… who she found at the door was not her landlord. But somepony entirely different. It was a white stallion with a multi shaded navy mane and tail and he was wearing some formal attire. “Excuse me, is this the residence of Tempest Shadow?” He didn't get his answer right away. Instead, Tempest’s eyes beamed by the sheer beauty that was this stallion. Her imagination took a hold of her as she imagined him posing various positions with some love song she had heard of in a studio next door.

“Oh… you can call me anything you want.” She flattered.

“Wow… um… okay, that was definitely different than what Twilight told me,” Shining muttered to himself, even though Tempest could still hear him. “Can I come in?”

“... One second.” She closed the door and hastily cleaned everything up before reopening the door, sweating hard. “Come right in! Lemonade?”

“Um, sure,” He replied, before coming on inside and taking a seat while Tempest was preparing a couple glasses of lemonade. It was during this that the unicorn noticed the stallion looking around the room for a moment and also looking at the corner of the room where she had her old equipment from when she was a commander of the storm king. “Can I ask you something, Tempest?”

“Oh, sure. But is it alright if I can ask you something in return?”

“Sure, go on ahead.” The Stallion insisted. “Ladies first after all.”

“... Are you single?”

That… had the stallion pause for a moment, before raising an eyebrow. “Um… that’s a new one. But to answer your question… I’m married. In fact, if I recall correctly, my wife was at Canterlot Castle when the Storm King invaded. All while I had to look over my daughter back at the Crystal Empire.” Some glass shattering could be heard nearby. Everything went dark as a spotlight was over Tempest, who felt shame.

“My chance at finding a special somepony… dashed away…”

“Um… Tempest, are you okay?” She heard the stallion asked, before looking back at her. “I still wanted to ask you my question.”

“... Go ahead… I bet your wife’s got a long horn, about a good 9 inches.”

“My wife is Princess Cadence,” The sound of a loud record scratching went through Tempest’s mind at that moment, before getting back to her senses as she heard the stallion continue to speak “Still… Let me say something first… My name is Shining Armor. I’m the captain of the Royal Guard in Canterlot alongside a few other ponies. We’ve been trying to improve the guard and my sister, Twilight, told me that you had a lot of… experience when it comes to the military.”

“All of that is true… and you're married to that princess? Why? Has she done anything… well… interesting besides making two ponies fall in love with each other who may be in fact siblings?”

“That… is complicated… but my wife is not the reason why I am here…” Shining told her, taking a sip of lemonade from a glass that Tempest had set down earlier before continuing to speak. “I’m here because I have an offer for you… it’s come to light recently that a large portion of the Royal Guard needs major fixing, but it’s something that I can’t do alone… Which is why I have a proposal… And where I ask you my question. Would you like to be a consultant for the Royal Guard?”

“... Eh, sure.”

Shining… was personally surprised by that quick of a response. “Wow… I honestly did not think you would say yes that quickly… I mean, would you like to hear the details of it? Because you’re getting paid twice that of the job you have and-”

“I already know that you need someone like me to get your men in shape. Trust me, I saw how your guards were too busy in the bunkers playing dress up during my invasion. And believe me, it's hard to leave the army, let alone, work with a bunch of bigots here who only make movies where the Canterlot guards are supposed to be awesome, but do the opposite. Objectify mares, put so much product placements around, and focus on explosions that look more fake than Gruber saying he's on a diet.”

“...... Alright then. You’re hired.” Shining told her. “I was going to mention that you also get your own room in Canterlot and not need to worry about Rent, but looks like we don’t have to worry about that now.” With it, the stallion got up and looked back at her, asking one more question. “Would you like some help with moving your stuff? I thought I was going to be around here longer and I still have forty five minutes before the chariot comes to take me back to Canterlot.”

“Whatever you feel like. But you're taking my stuff there and I’m taking the chariot out of here.” She walked out of the front door and walked down the hallway. As she left, the closet door open and out fell a mix of trash and important looking stuff.

Which, left Shining with just a sigh as he had to dig himself out of the mess. “ …… Welcome to the Guard then… I guess.”

Author's Note

After careful observation of running jokes through several episodes, Discord decides to look into the Royal Guard... or the big mess that is part of it. Enjoy!
-Frost

P.S. One reference in the chapter (Specifically, the guard swearing), is a reference to this particular story by Raugos. Go check out the full story if you want to see the full shenanigans of what happens from it.

Episode 18: City Legislatures

Author's Note

After Discord's previous discussions involving military, sports, and international relationships, he decides to go back to his roots on what to speak about next. Government... sports for nerds. And more importantly... tackle the inner workings of a system that barely anypony pays attention too.
-Frost

Episode 18: City Legislatures

Discord felt rather proud of himself a few days after finishing his piece on the Royal Guard, mostly because it had been one of the main things that he had heard a lot of other ponies talk about most recently. Including the fact that Shining Armor, the stallion who was still overseeing the Royal Guard, actually took his advice and hired Tempest Shadow as a consultant so they could help fix the royal guard.

Though… one of the topics going on this week was one that the news had been talking about a lot in recent months and that many ponies were paying attention too. However, there was one key thing that a lot of ponies were not entirely focused on and they were still important nonetheless. Plus, the only times that they seem to mention it is when something crazy just happened and it just only showed up on the local news.

So, as he began to prepare himself for tonight’s episode and began to kick things off, Discord soon greeted everypony in the audience with open arms. “Welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight!” Everypony in the crowd cheered tonight in response as the spirit of chaos soon began to start his topic on a much different note. “I’m Discord and thank you so much for joining us… before we begin with our main story though, there’s something that should be mentioned… because if any of you have been paying attention to the news recently, there’s one thing that practically everypony knows. The Midterm elections are upon us…”

“Few days to go before the Midterm Elections… All eyes are upon them to see if the current delegates for many Equestrian cities will still be their city’s delegates.”

“Many of the folks here are wanting to have new delegates with some fresh new ideas to share because as it stands… this Chamber of Canterlot is being the most unproductive in Equestrian history so far, despite many of the massive changes that we have seen over the years.”

Discord paused for a moment… before beginning to speak. “The more and more that you hear them talk about this, it sounds less like the countdown to a vote and more like a countdown to see who will potentially get fired from their job… But the best pony who happened to describe the situation… might be this guy on EBC news.”

“This is… and it’s something that’s said almost every time… ‘One of the most important elections in Equestrian History’.”

And shortly afterwards, Discord began to add onto it with his own impersonation of the same news anchor. “Oh but I’m serious this time! Take those old Equestrian history books, set them on fire, let them burn in the streets because they will be worthless in a few months. The chamber is up for grabs! I repeat, the chamber is up for F**KING grabs!!!” As Discord got himself back together now, many of the ponies in the audience were laughing as he soon began to clear his throat. “Now… it sounds completely strange to me that all the coverage is focused on the national level of government, where barely anything is happening…… While on the local level… everything is happening. And that brings us to our topic tonight, City Legislatures… the bodies of government in most major cities. Now, places like Ponyville and Appleloosa don’t exactly qualify for that since they are only seen as small towns… but one colt for a school project in Ponyville made it seem like a big city when they did this ‘Hastily Made Ponyville Tourism Video’ as a school project… the video itself is charming, but my favorite part is around the end.”

“... At least we aren’t Detrot… WE AREN’T DETROT!!”

After hearing that, the draconequus cracked up along with the rest of his audience. “That… is definitely one way to make a point… and I don’t have anything against Detrot… it’s just that the first time I went there, I accidentally walked into a building that was the home of a Raccoon Fight Club, to which, I accidentally broke the first rule of that, which is never talk about Raccoon Fight Club!”

That was followed by a few images of what looked like Raccoons fighting each other in an empty building while Discord just watched in horror… and also covered Fluttershy’s eyes so she would not witness what was happening. “Back to the topic though… you may not have heard so much about City Legislatures… or you have and just have been ignoring some of the most ridiculous advertisements for them… including these ones. One of them having a seventy year old stallion looking like he’s pretending to be good at boxing, to another where a pony that’s a certified public accountant is standing with a barrel filled with grains and talking about his life as a wheat farmer to one where it actually shows a mare who’s actually having a hawk land on her forehoof and act’s like ‘the Hawk Whisperer’ while saying that with their vote, they can have the economy take off. Which is surprising… because that mare does not realize that there were actual griffons in the background of that shot.”

Discord had the image of the last one zoom in to show what he was talking about… before getting back to the main topic. “The other time when you might have heard of them though… is when you hear about something crazy happening on the legislative floor,” As he was beginning to list off the some of the reasons, brief clips were shown of those things that he was talking about. “From two ponies getting into a hoof-fight in the middle of the legislative floor at the Vanhoover Chamber… or a city representative in Pi-ami looking at porn while they were in a middle of a debate involving a mare’s right to choose… or this moment in the chamber at San Franciscolt where a member of the legislative chamber left his mic on while talking about his sex life with a colleague… and when he was asked about it later, he was too embarrassed to say anything. Which isn’t really a surprise… because that guy is the only pony I would think knows if something’s ‘turned on’ or not.”

That caused the crowd to laugh in an uproar, just so they can get the images of what they saw out of their heads for a short bit. “Sometime though, if they’re doing their jobs… things can get out of hoof very quickly. Just take this story from Pi-ami.”

“A member of the Pi-ami Legislative Council is now pushing forward on a repeal to ban… and get this… Midget tossing.”

Just as they were going to hear that same pony talk about it, Discord put an end to that clip immediately. “Okay, just stop… Individual rights aside there, let’s all collectively agree that just because it was done in ‘The Pone of Rich Street’, it should never be legal… ever.” Shortly after that small side note, the image of a midget pony getting launched out of a cannon during an office party and the laugh from the crowd that followed, the draconequus wasn’t quite done yet. “Other times, you’ve heard about them because of something insane they’ve said. Take Corn Kernel here from Phoenix, Marezona.”

“Is it just because they’re an Earth Pony or Zebra that some of them are in prison? Or could it be because they didn’t want to work hard in school? Unicorns don’t always work hard often times or Griffons don’t always work hard often times. But often times… that’s what happens. I’ve taught school for over twenty years and I’ve seen many creatures of other species who didn’t want to work as hard and wanted things given to them.”

All the draconequus could do in that moment… was just facepalm himself as he looked back at the camera. “Look Ms. Kernel… but if you’re going to be openly racist like that in public for that matter, maybe not use the phrase ‘creatures of other species’,” He said, before adding on to something else. “There’s not going to be anypony intently trying to listen to you and be like ‘Careless? HEY!! Imprisoned?! HEY!! Creatures of other species? Well, that is rather nice. It balances it out… I guess we’re all clear now’.”

That was when Discord let out a deep sigh as he cleared his throat and looked back at the audience. “Though, it’s no wonder that some of these City Legislatures are seen as crazy legal circus’ when you get clips like this… where a stallion is so angry about all the work that just always happens to come back in a crazy loop… that he lets out this.”

“I feel like somepony trying to release my kind from Neighgypt. LET MY KIND GO!!”

That… had a lot of ponies cheering and Discord cracking up like crazy, shortly before mentioning something. “If Somnambula… used that kind of tone towards the Sphinx that was holding Prince Hisan hostage, it would be like ‘Okay, fine Somnambula! I’ll let him go!! Just calm the buck down!!!’” The Draconequus replied back. “Look, after seeing everything so far involving city legislatures, you might think that they’re just for entertainment… but they aren’t. Because much of the laws that we see in Equestrian society are down at the city level… instead of the national level.”

To prove this, Discord now had an image of a bar graph show up as he looked back at the audience. “The congress in Canterlot, just this year, have passed more than a hundred and fifty bills in the last year… while at the City legislatures, last year, they passed over twenty thousand… and with it, I’m now beginning to see why that stallion in the last clip was so pissed off. I would react the same way if I knew that there were over twenty thousand of them.” With that, Discord himself conjured a stack of what looked like paperwork and smacked it with his lion paw, sending pages everywhere. “It’s too many! There’s just too many of them!!”

After the outburst, Discord soon snapped his talons to clean up the mess that was made before looking back at the audience. “Now, some of the laws that are passed at the level are… well, sometimes relatively pointless. For example, Manehattan passed one not too recently that officially made kegels… yes… kegels their state exercise. Which is fine for those who are into yoga themed foreplay… but still doesn’t make any sense at all. But a lot of the times, they are seen as the testing grounds for democracy and new laws. For example, some cities raise the minimum wage of hired employees while others follow anti-discrimination laws against other creatures… but other times, city laws can go in the exact opposite direction.”

“In the last few years, City Legislatures have passed over two hundred health care restrictions… that’s twice as many restrictions than the ones that were passed the previous decade.”

“That’s right… in fact, a law in the city of Rockville is so restrictive that it may only close the only mares health clinic left in there… meaning that there’s a mare right now in dire need of help and is thinking to herself… I need to move to a more progressive town, like Appleloosa.” The draconequus told his audience, getting a quick laugh out of them before continuing with what he was saying. “City Chambers do a lot of work when nopony is watching… meaning that you haven’t probably even heard of some of the ponies that we just showed you and you probably don’t know who the representative of your city is, do you?”

All the ponies in the crowd looked confused and some shook their heads in response, leaving Discord to make his next point. “Exactly… so, all those conspiracy theories that you’ve heard from your friends about a shadow government are actually true. However, instead of a bunch of billionaires ruling the entire world from a mansion in Germaney, it’s run by a bunch of dull and bored bureaucrat ponies in a windowless committee room somewhere in Whinnyapolis.”

That was followed by an image of a committee panel where half of the ponies looked like they were either half asleep or they rather be doing something else right around now as the crowd cracked up some more. “So, with the help of Princess Twilight Sparkle and a few other ponies, we took a look at City Legislatures and to start… we first found out that no two are alike. Like how each city has something special that represents them, each one of them have a different way of governing and are vastly different in size from around thirty nine of then in Las Pegasus to over four hundred in New Maneshire… Four hundred! Princess Twilight… only needs her five friends and a few other companions to solve most of the worlds problems and somehow, one city needs four hundred ponies in order to issue out a f*cking piece of legislation!”

As that fact began to set in, the Spirit of Chaos continued with what he was saying as he issued another big revelation. “Also… while most of these City Chambers serve year round… a lot of them happen to work only part time. For example… Cloudsdale has only one sixty day session per year. That’s not a legislative congress, that’s a flyer’s summer camp. Except instead of smores and using storm clouds to scare away critters in the forest, these ponies are taking away a mare’s right to choose and using storm clouds to scare away forest critters…”

After this, Discord also named off one other big part of the whole story. “And the last part to this is that with the typical stereotype of sinister organizations that say they’re supposed to be doing something good… a shocking lack of any form of oversight. For example, on the subject of conflicts of interest… many of these lawmakers are suppose to be able to basically recuse themselves. They’re basically asking for them to restrain themselves and practice self control… Legislators like this guy.”

“LET MY KIND GO!!”

“OKAY!!” Discord shouted in response to the same pony being shown screaming in the middle of a legislative session. “So, let’s see how that works in practice… Ponelulu’s city chamber works part time and one of its members, Sunflower Seed, worked as a consultant for one of the shipping companies that was responsible for bringing in imports from countries that were across the Luna Ocean like from Neighpon and Shang-hay… So when the city was thinking of placing a fee on incoming shipments that would serve as a financial bonus for those who have ties with those companies, it was on her to try and point it out to them…”

With a motion of his paw, almost like he was handing out. “So… let’s see how that played out for her.”

“I have a conflict of interest.”

“What is your conflict, Ms. Seed?”

“I’m a consultant with the Equestrian Shipment Committee… They handle imports and I’m hired right now as a consultant to keep track of incoming imports from our trade partners across the Luna Ocean. Thank you.”

“Thank you very much. There is no conflict.”

That got a big shock from everyone. Including Discord… who personally could not believe what he just heard. “What?!! She was working for the shipping industry!! That’s an obvious conflict! The only way for that to be reasonably possible is that if the words ‘Conflict of Interest’ mean both Conflict and No Conflict of interest. Like in Ponelulu when ‘Aloha!’ means both hello and goodbye! That’s the only f*cking reasonable explanation as to why!!”

As he took in a breath, Discord soon spoke up as he looked back at his audience. “And if you are thinking… sure, some of these groups only work several days out of the entire year and some of them seem to not understand the textbook definition for what Conflict of Interest is. Is there anything else we should know? Well, for that, you’re going to have to pace yourself because there is still quite a bit to unpack here. Because, to be fair to these cities… many of them have ethics commissions in order to try and make sure that these politicians don’t do any activities that can get them in trouble. Which is good, right?”

Many ponies in the room actually nodded their heads in response to that while some of them thought that they were effective. Unfortunately… that was when Discord began to speak up again. “However, when the royal guard did an investigation in order to see how effective they are, they found that over 70 percent of the ethics commissions that were established were given grades of D or F. That’s close to 30 out of the 41 commissions in the country. And if you fail an ethics test… that’s twice as bad. Because it meant that there was no f*cking way at all that you tried to find a way to cheat on it in order to pass.”

That was followed with an image of a stallion who had what looked like answers to a test form under his shirt as he attempted to try and pass without getting caught. “And even when the ethics commissions work… because of the fact that there are rules that aren’t strictly enforced and a major lack of oversight, some of these ponies working for the City Legislature still get themselves caught in the worst possible way. And yet… these places are where a majority of the laws in Equestria get passed… and while mostly everyone ignores these bodies… businesses certainly don’t.”

That was followed by everypony staring at each other in a bit of confusion before Discord began to explain more on that. “Because a lot of them have taken advantage of a group called LUNA… and yes, I do acknowledge that the name I just said sounds like that of a spoiled teenaged princess who just crashed her fathers chariot and doesn’t give a sh*t…” That was followed by an image of the same mare brushing her mane while in front of a burning wreckage of what was a chariot. “But to be fair… it’s actually a lot worse.”

“For over thirty years, a private tax exempt organization known as the Legislative UNited Assembly, or LUNA, has brought Lawmakers, think tanks and corporate interests in order to write up model legislation to be introduced and passed in cities across Equestria.”

When the clip ended, Discord felt himself getting back on track as he began to talk once again. “LUNA, not the princess mind you, is basically seen as a bill workshop where many lawmakers would make templates of legislation ranging across all different subject such as immigration and health care while others expand things such as private prisons and for profit colleges. It’s so uphauling… that by the end of this episode, I will have to place LUNA in the end credits as the ‘Special Guest for providing us horrible things in order for us to talk about’ …” A clip of the end credits for the show was then seen with the same text that was provided. “And guess what… these guys are everywhere. One in four city lawmakers are associated with these guys… because it makes their jobs troublingly easier. In fact, some are so textbook generic that they are seen less as actual bills and more like fill in the blank forms.”

As he said that, he snapped his fingers and had some paperwork show up in his paw while also having a pair of reading glasses in his talons as he put them over his face. “For example… this is their model ‘Free Drinking Water Bill’. And at the top of the page, it says ‘BE IT, THEREFORE ENACTED, that the city of [Insert City] will repeal the clean water mandate’. So if you were a lawmaker… as long as you remember the name of the city that you lived in, you can have this bill passed into law.”

With a quick snap, both the glasses and the papers soon disappeared into smoke as he looked back at his audience. “And some lawmakers don’t even attempt to hide LUNA’s hoofprints. For it was known that several of those lawmakers have been fired from their jobs in Canterlot when they tried to get this kind of legislation passed Princess Luna herself… and to those guys… I hate to sound like Celestia’s personal assistant… but you can’t just copy anything that Luna does…”

That brought the entire crowd in an automatic uproar as Discord continued to speak. “It’s just… pathetic… And I think so far tonight, we’ve seen that from the lack of any form of accountability, rules, enforcement of rules in place and the awful behavior, city legislatures are seen less like the testing grounds of democracy that they claim they are… and more like the out of control college fraternity parties of democracy. But unfortunately… we are still not done. Because barely any of these guys get attention whatsoever and it’s hard for you to be angry at somepony when you don’t know who they are… and you might think ‘well, now that I know about them, I’ll just show my frustration to them by not voting to them this year’. However, for over 25 percent of the country, these ponies are running unopposed… And their sole purpose… is that they exist.”

Getting up from his chair, that was when he walked back over to the side of the set and to a big screen that was behind that. “So with that in mind… let’s present to you some of the ones who we can call winners… That pony who wanted to make Midget Tossing the new hit sport in Pi-ami? Winner! That one mare who had interesting theories on species prison populations? Winner! One pony who was caught for weapons trafficking even though he was an advocate for keeping weapons off the streets? Bingo, another winner!!”

With that, more and more ponies names and their faces began to emerge on the screen as Discord looked back at his audience one last time. “The point is, we can call over a hundred different races going on in the next few months where these ponies are winners and all they have beaten is the very concept of nothing at all!!” As he said this, special red, white and blue balloons began to drop down from the ceiling as he looked back at the crowd. “We look forward for you to be wielding a horrifying amount of power in the years to come!”

The Following Morning…

“Sister… can we talk?” Celestia had just finished raising the sun for now as she turned around to see Luna at the entrance to her chambers. Which was surprising because Luna was normally the kind of pony to sleep in whenever she had the chance.

“Luna… you’re up rather early… what seems to be the occasion?”

“Can I ask you an honest question?” Her sister asked as Celestia moved out of her chambers. “Does everypony think I’m a bad pony?”

“Wha-? No! No you aren’t a bad pony… why do you ask?”

“Well… there’s been something that I have been dealing with in Night Court that I think I should address to you. Mostly because it was something that Discord himself addressed in another one of his segments again…”

“You know that Discord is just being Discord most of the time right?” Celestia told her in response. Only for Luna to shake her head.

“Not in this case… Are you familiar with how the legislative systems in cities work?”

“In Canterlot yes…” Celestia replied, before looking down at the floor. “Unfortunately, with my attention mostly being here, I don’t know how the systems in other cities work in the modern era.”

That… just prompted Luna in order to go over to what looked like another TV that Discord had ‘left behind’, press the rewind button and started the video back at the beginning. “Well, prepare to be surprised…”

Episode 19: Rainbow and Applejack

Author's Note

This episode was sort of inspired by the one shot fic by sonicfan05 called "My office. NOW!" Which, to me, seems like a more fitting ending than what actually happened for Non-Complete Clause. That and the fact that for being teachers, Rainbow and Applejack don't exactly have a LOT of things in their background that would qualify them for such a job.

In the meantime, I need to prepare a few things to finish up the end of the year for class and such before getting to some more writing on other stories. But for now, Enjoy!
-Frost

Episode 19: Rainbow and Applejack

After exposing the gruesome inner workings of the City Legislature system to the masses, the spirit of chaos that was Discord decided to focus on something entirely different. And something that was a little more closer to home that he originally thought. That being Princess Twilight’s school of friendship, or what he called a lakeside friendship resort. Over the past few days, there wasn’t a lot of things happening that would really catch his attention. But, when a field trip with some of the class members of the school went wrong in every possible way, the draconequus soon realized that it wasn’t the fault of the students… but the two teachers supervising the trip.

Two of Twilight’s closest friends… Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

According to Spike, the two of them were supposed to teach the students teamwork… but ended up doing the opposite because the two of them were competing over the stupidest thing possible. Though… it turned out that their rivalry went much further back than this single incident. And something like that seemed to be something that needed to be addressed so this instance doesn’t end up repeating itself. And thanks to a visit he made to the school earlier in the week, he got all the info he needed to know in order to prepare for this.

So, as his show was going through the opening credits, that was when he greeted his audience with a warm welcome and diving directly into the main subject. “Our main story tonight regards the School of Friendship… the place where you learn many things to do… as well as things that you should not do. Case in point… don’t leave Spike alone in a room full of gemstones…” The crowd laughed for a moment as an image of Spike resisting temptation. “Recently though, there’s been a bit of drama though and before you ask… it does not involve Chancellor McDoucheface. I just wanted to make that clear because he is still handling the mice that are talking inside his head.”

Again, more laughs at how irritated Chancellor Neighsay was with a particular pair of mice as Discord looked back at the camera. “Tonight’s story is focused on the teachers… and two particular ones. Applejack and Rainbow Dash; friends and also competitive rivals. Kind of like Sky Stinger and Vapor, but in this case, both of them can be seen as attractive.” That small line had the whole crowd off guard and some of them were still laughing over the joke as Discord continued.

“And for some of you, you might be thinking… Why exactly are we having tonight’s main story be focused on this? Well… remember when I mentioned that the two of them were competitive rivals? Well, with them being teachers, I would think that they would set that aside so they can be focused on the students they are teaching… but on the schools most recent field trip, that turned out not to be the case,” The Draconequus added on. “And don’t take it from me… listen to Spike talk about one particular incident that only occurred just two days ago.”

“Well… Applejack and Rainbow Dash were on a field trip with the rest of the students at the school in order to try and teach them how to do teamwork… But instead of actually doing that, the two of them were busy competing with each other over what I would say is the dumbest thing possible and ended up putting the lives of the students in danger.”

“And that is?” Discord asked Spike as the dragon looked back at him.

“The title of ‘Teacher of the Month’.”

The crowd sounded surprised by that, before the spirit of chaos spoke up. “Putting your students lives at risk to be teacher of the month… That concept does not make any sense whatsoever and I’m a draconequus…” That had the crowd laughing for a moment as he looked back at him. “I’m basically the living embodiment of things that don’t make sense.”

That had the crowd laughing at that, before Discord took a deep breath. “But to what Spike said, their actions did put the lives of their students in danger. They almost rode a canoe into a river filled with Bite-acuda fish, you had one of your students and ‘best yak’ almost drown and another almost got lost on their nature walk. Not to mention the fact that they built two separate bridges to try and get across, but neither one worked because it was over the same river of bite-acuda fish. And that’s not even the end of it. The students told Twilight that both of them competed and argued with one another… by agreeing on which idea is the best. And I got to hand it to Twilight, that last one is still something that I’m trying to wrap my head around.”

Then, Discord was beginning to point out something else. “Though, this whole thing with the two of them competing against each other is… not entirely new. Both of them have competed in numerous different challenges with one another, like Apple-bucking contests and races. Including the annual ‘Running of the Leaves’. Where they both lost to a purple nerd who would end up being a princess.”

The image of that was shown where Applejack and Rainbow were stunned by the fact that Twilight was in first place that year as the crowd laughed at the expressions that both ponies had on their faces. “But this isn’t some stupid race or a silly game, this is a professional institution that’s supposed to teach other creatures the values of friendship. You can’t do that if the two of them are butting heads with one another like bighorn rams fighting each other on mountaintops,” Discord had another image of what looked like Applejack and Rainbow Dash as rams bucking their heads into each other while the students at Twilight’s school watched. “And it’s not just me that knows this… The Princess of Friendship and the school’s headmaster, Twilight ‘Bookworm’ Sparkle knows this too.”

Now the image of a golden nameplate on Twilight’s desk that had her middle name be ‘Bookworm’ was shown as more of the crowd laughed. “She’s also not a fan of this… in fact, she was absolutely livid about the whole thing happening in the first place. Livid to the whole point that you can actually hear her voice echo throughout the hallway as she talked to Rainbow Dash and Applejack the following day.”

The interior of the school of friendship was calm and quiet as most of the students were just minding their own business. Sandbar was playing a game involving a deck of cards with both Gallus and Smolder, Silverstream was playing with a slinky and lastly, Ocellus and Yona were just having a nice quiet chat.

Soon though, the entire room began to shake as playing cards were scattered everywhere, Silverstream’s slinky was caught in Smolder’s horns and Ocellus was shuttering as they heard the sound of an angry princess echo throughout the hallway. “WHAT WERE YOU TWO THINKING!?!”

That had the entire crowd in an uproar and even had Discord slapping his desk because of how hilarious that was. “You know that things are not good when you are a student there and you can hear your Headmaster’s frustration echo throughout the entire hallway… but it goes to show how the actions of two ponies… who were just being competitive over a trophy… would lead to the two of them in hot water… Because there was one thing that they didn’t seem to realize when they think about the whole teacher of the month thing… that fighting over such a pointless thing is just stupid. You don’t see ponies in a manehattan supermarket fight each other for being ‘Employee of the Month’, so why the f*yay*ck made you think that fighting over something like this is remotely okay?”

That had Discord lead into another key point. “Teacher of the Month is something that isn’t given to you, it’s something that you earn through hard work and through showing to your students that you care for their well being. Hell, the last pony who won it was Fluttershy… and she won it just by doing what she was doing naturally. It was not something she asked for, but she got it anyways,” Around now was when it showed an embarrassed Fluttershy receiving the award while Rainbow and Applejack were looking at her with jealousy in their eyes. “And do you want to know why she deserves that award?”

Several ponies looked at one another in confusion, before looking back to the Draconequus. “It’s because of how she was able to connect with her students. It’s because of how she teaches her students, and more importantly, how she makes learning fun for them. It’s not about competition when it comes to her, it’s about teaching somepony good values and how much of an impact she had on her students and those who are around her. Take it from me. She was able to reform me for Pete’s sake when Applejack and Rainbow both originally thought that something like that was beyond insane. And of course, the road to redemption was a bit bumpy, but look at me now!”

That was followed by an image of Discord and Fluttershy holding a 4th annual reformation party with balloons, confetti and cake inside of Fluttershy’s own cottage as the draconequus looked back at the audience. “Of course, even though Rainbow and Applejack were able to teach their students the lesson that they were supposed to teach them… they did it in a way that makes literally no sense. Because the students learned teamwork… by doing the exact opposite. Just think about that… and think about what happened if they applied that philosophy to other lessons. Like teaching Honesty by showing what happens when somepony is caught in a lie… or loyalty by showing what happens when you stab somepony in the back. It makes no sense and something like that should not be implied at a school that’s supposed to TEACH these important skills.”

Then, Discord let out a deep breath as he looked back at both of them. “And speaking of teaching… What exact credentials do either of these two have to be qualified as actual teachers? I mean sure, they’re Elements of Harmony and they are friends to Twilight, but other than teaching them about Honesty and Loyalty… what other things qualify them to be teachers? Sure, they’re heroes but… come on. Did Twilight not consider bringing on… well, actual teachers? Or are they just as xenophobic and racist as Chancellor NeighSh*yay*t over here?”

The draconequus took in a deep breath as he looked back at the audience before beginning to speak once more. “I mean… they probably might’ve asked Cheerilee, but the thought of her having to help with two schools might give her so much of a headache that she would be really looking forward to a vacation by the end of the school year.” That was followed by a image of Cheerilee on vacation down by Pi-ami beach as she was basking in the glow of the sun. But then… Discord realized something.

“But maybe… just maybe… Applejack and Rainbow can actually take some notes from Cheerilee on this one. She tends to kids much younger than your own students and yet, you don’t see her competing with anyone in Ponyville’s own school system for an award. She cares for her students learning, their well being, how well they do in class and also does field trips that don’t have any kind of life or death risk at all.” That moment was accompanied by a picture of a class trip to an ancient history museum in Manehattan as her class was mostly paying attention to what Cheerilee was telling her. “So… to Applejack and Rainbow… I say this. The first and most important thing that you should only care about as a teacher is your students. You should be wanting to go everyday to work wanting to see how much of an impact you’ve had on your students and not see how close you are to getting a f*yay*cking award that literally has no sentimental value or point to it whatsoever…”

The whole crowd cheered at that in agreement to what the draconequus said, shortly before finishing it off with one final segment. “And now… This.”

And now… Seriously? Does Princess Twilight even realize that her students can hear her shouting in her office?

As the Class of Friendship were cleaning up the mess that was caused when Princess Twilight’s original outburst filled the hallways… they were soon rocked by even more comments that echoed off the walls. Even getting to the point that Silverstream was almost tangled up in her own slinky when removing it from Smolder’s horns and Ocellus was hiding behind Yona out of fear. All while Twilight was ranting to Applejack and Rainbow that they personally forgot about the one thing that they were suppose to care for more than a trophy… their students. That and Spike sticking around to see what would happen next.

Then, there was the fact that the students were there when they saw Rainbow asking one more question to Twilight… and ended up having an award chucked at her head as it stuck to the wall like a throwing knife.

And as both mares left the campus… there was only one question on onepony’s mind as he tried to lean back in a nearby chair. “So… is class cancelled today?”

“Sandbar, Twilight already put in substitutes for your classes.” The comment from Spike had Sandbar fall backwards and hit the floor with a loud thud. But… across the hall, somepony took that for something else.

“Rainbow, if you SLAMMED THE DOORS TO THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL, I SWEAR TO CELESTIA THAT I WILL MAKE YOUR SUSPENSION FOUR WEEKS!!”

That… had Sandbar immediately back up on his hooves as he placed the chair on the floor and looked back at the class. “...... Note to self, never make Princess Twilight angry.”

Episode 20: Royal Fundraising

Author's Note

After taking some time to look into complaints around the legislative elite in Canterlot, Discord decides to tackle one of the biggest complaints all ponies have when it comes to being a lawmaker in Canterlot... Fundraising. Enjoy!
-Frost

Episode 20: Royal Fundraising

When it came to things that ponies hated, some things seem either reasonable or downright meaningless. If you were a filly or colt, you would not like it if your parents had you stop whatever fun thing you were doing in order to do chores around the house. If you were a mare or stallion, you would have that same feeling of hate towards having to pay rent or taxes. However… despite all of these things that many ponies despised, none of them could have made Discord more curious than the last time that he was in Canterlot… and he overheard how several key political figures and several nobles hated one thing that was somehow attached to their position in Canterlot.

Royal Fundraising. Two words that sound more boring, stupid and meaningless other than the words ‘featuring Gladmane’. But… it’s something that’s not as frequently covered as standard political fundraising. And when Discord took the time to look into it with some of Twilight’s assistants, including Filthy Rich, what they found was rather eye opening. And what was even more eye opening was that such a subject was something that ponies would only be aware of it whenever some big story in the news about it comes up. Something’s that is seen as rare compared to what is happening on a daily basis in Equestria.

And it seemed like the proper story in order to cover tonight. So, suiting up in his standard black suit jacket with a light green colored shirt underneath and a tie to match the jacket, Discord greeted his audience like he did with almost every other show that he had done so far. “Welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight! I’m your host, Discord, and thank you so much for joining us tonight. Because we got a pretty big story to cover now,” He addressed his audience right from the start as he began with his opening line. “Because our main story tonight involves Political Fundraising… And full disclaimer here, this is not one of those stories about how money corrupts ponies. If you want to hear more about that, just listen to that one annoying friend of yours ramble on for two minutes at the worst time possible.”

That was followed by what looked like one mare talking to a stallion as he was trying to keep himself composed at what looked like a celebration for Mr. and Ms. Cake. “Dandylion, I know what you are trying to talk about, but do you HAVE to do in the middle of the cake’s baby shower!? They’re expecting twins for Celestia’s sake!!” Discord impersonated the stallion, getting laughs from his crowd before refocusing on what he was going to say next. “This story is focused on another topic that’s not as commonly known about, but still important nonetheless. Royal Fundraising… The kind of name that you would think about if Blueblood was putting up a charity auction.”

That was followed by an image of a desperate Prince Blueblood at a podium trying to sell of anything that he no longer thought was of value anymore as the crowd laughed. “But Royal Fundraising in itself is rather astonishing… back during the last main election cycle for public office, the candidates for the Royal House and for many important political positions in Equestria had raised close to over one billion bits… One billion with a b. That’s enough money to buy over two hundred and thirty million tubes of athlete's hoof antifungal cream… and somehow, it’s even more upsetting.”

More of the crowd began to laugh at his comments, even though some were surprised by the sheer amount of money used. “And much of that money has to be raised one way or another by the politicians and candidates themselves. And it’s something that they have complained about a lot over the years. Some of them going as far to say that it’s the worst part of their job.”

“You know… I hated raising money… hated it.”

“It’s painful really… to be continually asking ponies for money every time we had an election year…”

“If I can tell you how much time… how many hours that me and my colleagues had to put into in order to raise money so we can attend to issues on our side of the aisle, it would be just embarrassing.”

Discord blinked for a moment, shortly before focusing on his audience again. “Wow, an embarrassment… That is a rather firm statement. Although… he must be underestimating Canterlot’s capacity for embarrassment because we are talking about a place where two guards fought with each other on duty over which friendship lesson is the best, where a filly just learning to use magic made somepony who was showering end up in the middle of the city… and also there is when these moments happen…”

“I want to ask… who was the pony who wanted to petition a poll about which princess has the best flank?”

“I’m glad to be taking part in ‘bring your child to work day’ and I would like to introduce everypony to my daughter, Sunny.”

“Can I cast my vote for that poll that was mentioned earlier, because I would like to have Luna be my choice.”

That last one got a lot of attention and even had Discord with a shocked face. “If you think that last one wasn’t embarrassing enough, that was in the middle of day court with Celestia actually being present in the room! If that guy wasn’t careful with his words, he would find himself banished to the moon in a heartbeat!” After saying that, Discord got back on topic as he looked back at his audience. “But fundraising is not just embarrassing… it’s completely frightening. Some sources say that representatives could spend close to a quarter or half of their time at work, fundraising… but, one former noble told us that during an election year, that number increases to two-thirds. And if two thirds of what you strictly do is about the job, you’re not seen as a legislature, you’re basically Sapphire Shores at that point.”

More of the crowd began to laugh as a series of posters from the amount of times that Sapphire Shores participated in fashion events and movies was shown briefly on the left side of the screen. “So for tonight… let’s see where most of that time actually goes. And let’s begin with the first form of fundraising… fundraisers themselves. Most of the time, these are sh*yay*tty parties that are hosted in restaurants, bars or town halls and there a lot of them. A group known as the Moonlight Foundation estimates that over the course of a year during an election cycle, almost three thousand different fundraisers were hosted. So by that estimate… Canterlot is like Vinyl Scratch’s mane.”

An image of the famous DJ soon appeared to replace that of the title card that was there as Discord began to explain his reason for the comparison. “Party in the front… Party in the back… maybe even too much party and no business anywhere to be found.”

That had the crowd laugh some more as Discord prepared to pick up where he left off. “Fundraisers are so omnipresent in Canterlot that some lawmakers even have built their entire days around them to where they host fundraising breakfasts, lunches and evening receptions. And by that time, the ponies hosting those events are less seen as lawmakers and political officials then they are seen as a storage container for prench themed entrees… not only that, but fundraisers have now become an integral part of Canterlot’s economy. Just look at Restaurant Row… each of those restaurants, no matter what they serve, gets a decent amount of income from fundraisers held at their restaurants. And there’s one particular seafood restaurant called Rocky’s High Tide that has hosted a massive amount of those fundraisers… And don’t take that from me. Sources say that there had been 948 fundraising events there in the last 10 years… and it’s a restaurant that markets itself like this…”

“Here’s to the champagne and the oysters at Rocky’s!” A mare said while sitting at a bar with her friends, toasting the camera that was focusing on her before shifting to somepony else.

“Here’s to the crab cakes and shrimp.” One stallion said, looking like he was eating a little too much to the point that he had to run to the bathroom to throw up.

“Here’s to the specials at happy hour!” Another mare cheered in celebration.

“Here’s to Rocky’s Half Shells at Rocky’s High Tide,” A stallion that looked like a professional lawmaker said now as he wore a business suit and tie. Just before it switched to a group of people celebrating at a table.

“Here’s to Rocky’s!!”

And lastly, the advertisement finished with a shot at a gruffy looking stallion who’s name was actually ‘Rocky Shores’ holding up a glass of alcohol with a orange wedge at the top. “Here’s to you and your time here at Rocky’s High Tide.”

At the end of the commercial, Discord was grimly looking back at his audience as he tried to restrain his laughter. “Yes… that scruffy looking pony is actually a prominent figure in Canterlot when hosting these events. Important decisions are being made under the watchful eye of a guy who looks more like a former backup dancer for one of Countess Coloratura’s concerts!”

At that moment, the image was changed back to the title picture used to start the piece as Discord cleared his throat. “And if you think that this couldn’t get any weirder, well… trust me, it can. Because some lawmakers actually turned some of their own personal milestones into fundraising opportunities. One representative from Califoalnia turned their 45th birthday celebration into a fundraising opportunity, which costed almost four hundred bits per pony to attend and another one in Pi-ami, who actually turned her thirtieth anniversary into a fundraiser… and, from my perspective… That is just completely sad.”

Then, the chaos deity began to explain his reasons why. “Because a thirtieth wedding anniversary should not be about raising capital for your political base. It should be eating a silent dinner, wasting two bottles of wine, forgetting to have sex and then falling asleep while in the middle of watching a sitcom rerun on tv,” An image of two ponies fast asleep with wine spilled all over the floor and the TV on while they were asleep was now seen on screen as the crowd was laughing at that predicament. “You honor the anniversary by doing it right!”

But Discord was not yet done as he looked back at his audience. “But if you think that’s just obscene… wait til you hear where else they do some political fundraisers. Because some politicians have taken the pathetic approach in fundraisers by staging them at pop concerts. In fact, on the day of the Friendship Festival, there was a fundraiser that was being done with the Songbird Serenade concert… and then there’s this.”

“The music and power behind Countess Coloratura’s songs have not only changed the music industry, but it makes money. So much so that many of Canterlot’s elite lawmakers are capitalizing on her world tour, which stops in Canterlot tonight.”

“We got many groups from both sides of the aisle who are making money off of this concert, with several tickets ranging thousands of bits. One of the guys that we talked too said that his daughter was the one who got him into this. He likes her lyrics, her music and that’s why he is moving forward.”

Many ponies stared in disbelief at it showed what looked like an aged stallion with a silver mane in the left hand corner as Discord looked back at his audience. “It’s true… A political representative at Celestia’s day court got fundraising from a Countess Coloratura concert… and let’s just be lucky that during the concert, Coloratura was the Mane Attraction at that instead of this guy. Because this guy’s age has definitely taken a toll.”

Then, the spirit of chaos began to strike more of a serious tone when he looked back at his audience. “But everything that you have seen so far is just classy compared to all of the time that politicians have to spend fundraising through other means, like sending out letters to other ponies. Because a couple years back, a presentation that was given to lawmakers who were just starting out their political careers leaked to the press and that presentation suggests that you spend four hours writing letters… four hours! That only makes sense if you are in a relationship with somepony and your trying to send them nude pictures of yourself by carrier bird.” The image of such a incident was then demonstrated by somepony waiting at the window of their home, groaning to themselves. “‘Come on, I can’t do this all day…’ and horrendously enough, some ponies, like this retired representative from Manehattan, are even pulled out of severely important meeting just so that they can meet their quota on letters.”

“The first few days I was down here, we were having a committee meeting in improving the education system and after a while, my chief of staff came in at the time and told me that I needed to leave… so we left and I asked her why I needed to leave. She told me that I needed to write letters… and I was like… this is my first committee hearing and you want me to leave? How am I going to learn anything? How are we going to get anything done?”

“Exactly,” Discord pointed out as the camera focused back on him. “She was a rookie legislature at the time and she needed to learn how to do her job. The Wonderbolts don’t pull out Rainbow Dash halfway through a competitive race so she can write letters to season ticket holders,” That was followed by a picture of a bored Rainbow Dash in a flight suit at a desk trying to write something on a piece of parchment. “Because we all know that would be a huge waste of Rainbow Dash’s time.”

Of course, the draconequus was not quite exactly done on the subject as he continued from where he left off. “And if you think this is beyond humiliating… rest assured, it is. Because there have been several senior lawmakers who have said that they felt like they were used, with one guy saying… and I’m not making this up… ‘You go outside for a whole day and are forced to write letters to jerks you’ve never even heard of to get money out of them’,” He told the audience before adding more to it. “And he’s absolutely right… Because if you want to get money from jerks that you never heard of, you don’t write them letters… you just open up an antique cigar shop. Boom! Done! Done…”

For a brief second, it showed a very jerk like stallion in charge of a cigar store while smoking one and giving the audience an expression that they had to pay up their money or get beaten within an inch of their life. Shortly before Discord changed it back. “And if you are wondering about why they have to go outside… there’s a reason for that. According to regulations, it’s illegal for lawmakers to obtain or receive donations in their offices. So each party member has their own designated call center. We couldn’t find any footage of what things are like in those centers, but from what we could find… things sounded pretty grim.”

“They got small cubicles in there and each pony has a small bottle of ink and a quill on a desk along with only one sheet of paper. They have a minder who watches over you and makes sure that you aren’t taking too long. They also say that it gets to smell pretty bad in there and after a few hours, it smells like a locker room at a gym.”

“Yeah, but what do you expect?” Discord soon interjected. “Most of those ponies probably spent their morning having shrimp cocktails at this ponies sweaty crab shack!” An image of the pony who runs Rocky’s High Tide was seen again shortly before looking back at his crowd as they were laughing at that comparison. “Now, you might think that this is only for certain ponies… you might be surprised when I tell you that all lawmakers have to do this. Even those whose seats are fundamentally safe… safe in which they don’t even need campaign funds for themselves.”

That had a lot of ponies in the room seem confused while Discord was trying to explain the reason why. “The problem is… party members are still expected to pay dues to their political party so the money could be used to help candidates in tougher races. MuzzFeed news got a spreadsheet on just how much some ponies had to pay and they range from a hundred thousand bits at the low end… to over eight hundred thousand bits at the top. So it’s no wonder that these politicians are hitting up their customer base like a filly scout with gambling debts.”

The next image showed a very stern looking filly scout with a wagon of cookies as she looked back at the camera with a deadpanned glare. “Two? Two Boxes!? Nah, F*yay*ck that! Four boxes or I walk away, right now! Four boxes!! I know where you live! …… Four!” Discord impersonated the filly in the image before looking back at his audience. “And if you are trying to rack up serious amounts of cash, that could really affect who exactly you are trying to write to as one lawmaker explained.”

“If it’s a majority race for a council seat, I would not write to anyone that would not possibly at least give me a thousand bits, maybe even more… So you would expect the kind of ponies I would be trying to reach out to are those making like… a half a million to a million bits a year, and they have fundamentally different problems than everypony else.”

And with that revelation, Discord pounced at the opportunity to follow up on that. “And that is a huge problem. Because that cannot help but affect how you see the world if the only ponies you’re accepting money from are those who are more concerned about estate taxes, maintaining a perfectly legal business with no form of shadiness whatsoever and also what kind of neighpon kimono their cat would be wearing.”

The next image that was presented was of Opalescence wearing a fashionable kimono, along with Discord complimenting the cat and saying that her decision was a rather good choice. “But to be fair to these guys… direct fundraising is only one part of a flawed and messed up system that also includes pacts of politicians and so called ‘dark money’, which is money from those who use it for nefarious purposes… but to be even fairer, it’s still the biggest part,” The Draconequus explained to his audience. “And with this, regulating any form of royal campaign finance is going to be rather difficult. One of the reason’s why is the well known ‘Buckly Vs. Paleo’ case that was held in Day Court and the results of that trial led to them declaring that… and this is true… ‘spending money is a form of speech’. And I know that is probably true for any pony that’s a millionaire trying to pick up a mare because of their fair share of wealth, even though they might be in it for just the money and not your personality… I’m not saying this as a joke, I think I’m speaking from somepony’s own personal experience here.”

For a brief moment, an image of Filthy and Spoiled Rich in their younger years was presented to the crowd, before being changed back to the title picture. “A bigger problem though is that even though ponies on both sides of the issue agree that they hate this… neither of them are wanting to independently back down first. It’s basically a stand still where both sides are saying what they don’t like about it, but aren’t actually doing anything to fix this.”

But, before any ponies could demonstrate how much they did not like this, Discord caught them by surprise once again. “But it’s not to say that the issue is not being touched. Because some lawmakers are actually working on ways to try and fix key flaws with this system. For example, one piece of legislation called the Disclosure Act, which would force more clarity and transparency on dark money. Another example is the Block Act, which would permanently end having lawmakers, nobles and politicians from personally asking for donations. Both of these are steps in the right direction, but they are just very small fixes to a big problem.”

The draconequus paused for a moment to catch his breath as he addressed his audience again and continued to speak. “Now, a much larger idea that may seem like something that can work would be the Governance of Society Act, which would not only give tax credits but also provide public funding for candidates that would match smaller donations at a ratio of six to one,” Some of the ponies in the room actually seemed to like this idea and were even all for it. But that was when the spirit of chaos told them something else that caught them by surprise. “But, before you get excited about that idea, there are two slight hiccups. One, we asked Filthy Rich and Janice from accounting to crunch the numbers on this to see how much it would cost and they say it would cost five hundred million bits, which is a lot. And two, affiliates with a group that tracks the possibility of whether or not bills are likely to pass… gave it a zero percent chance in our current royal assembly.”

That had the whole crowd shocked, with some of them going as far as to laugh at the predicament before the chaos spirit continued. “Just a flat zero… which kind of makes me wonder if they didn’t try to use anything more harsh than just zero like… negative zero, a zero with a frowny face inside of it… or my personal favorite, AW HELLLLLLL ZERO!!”

All three of those negative results were given their own separate image as the crowd laughed some more. “And seeing that is rather baffling. Because remember… it’s the ponies in the royal assembly that are complaining about this all the time. So… what are we going to do to actually find a solution to this? Because right now, almost any form of fixing the problem just immediately gets denied right off the bat. Though… there are many things that we don’t entirely know about this system, but there is a way that we can find out.”

That had the crowd looking at one another for a moment, before looking towards Discord as he began to explain the reason why. “That’s because earlier this year, assembly mare Fair Play announced her retirement earlier this year and with it, she said that one of the reasons for it was that she could not see herself writing another letter to anypony begging them for money. So, since she is leaving anyways, I thought I would have the chance to sit down with her and have her shine a light on some on the subject. Take a look.”

Interview- Assemblymare Fair Play

“Assemblymare, thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me.” Discord thanked the unicorn mare that he was talking too. She had a short black mane and tail, but had a light yellow fur color on while wearing a suit as she shook Discord’s paw with a hoof and thanking him in response. “So… let’s start with Royal Fundraising. When you were one of the top members of the assembly during your prime, how many fundraisers would you having to go to on average?”

“Well… over the course of my fifteen year career, for my own re-election, I’ve had to do over 1500 fundraisers.” The mare answered, and that statistic left Discord bewildered.

“Holy sh*yay*t. That’s like one almost every three days.” The draconequus replied back.

“More or less, over the course of fifteen years. Yeah… it’s a lot,” Fair replied back, before adding more to it. “Many would actually like the chance for publicity, but when some of these fundraisers got in the way of family events and such, I… had no other choice but to attend. Now that I’m retiring, I can finally be able to spend more time with my family.”

“Well, I’m personally glad that you get to have that chance now,” Discord complimented, before beginning to say something else. “Now… I’m going to say three words to you. Rocky’s High Tide.”

All the mare did originally was nod her head, a small grin on her face as she began to speak again. “I know it rather well.”

“Oh yeah, no kidding you do,” Discord sarcastically commented before asking something else. “What is it like in there? I’m not exactly one for seafood, so I wouldn’t really be wanting to actually go in and such.”

“Well, it’s like any other restaurant in Equestria-”

“That’s full of ponies in suits there… attempting to raise money…”

“-The difference is that you have nominees and members of the royal assembly along with supporters who would pay a thousand bits for the chance to have salmon there,” She added in order to finish up my statement. “And just because you set it up there doesn’t mean that you like having the food there. I mean… I’m personally not a fan of seafood at all.”

“Really?” Discord asked.

“Yeah, but the ponies who make sure that I attend these events want to make sure that I’m eating and talking with supporters, so I cast a spell that would nullify my sense of taste,” The unicorn then told the draconequus. “Afterwards, I take the time in order to try and get the smell out of my mouth because having seafood on your breath is very unprofessional.”

“I agree on that, though… it’s interesting to me that almost all working ponies of the royal assembly and even the nobles have some kind of understanding to what Rocky’s High Tide is,” The draconequus responded back. “I mean… one of the fundraisers that you had was at the High Tide for a breakfast at 8:30 am… Assemblymare, with all due respect, nopony gets up at 8:30 in the morning to have seafood for breakfast unless you have a pet grizzly bear.”

“And that’s the problem with the system… because some ponies believe that if they are in that room alongside somepony, having supported a campaign that they get access to us.” The unicorn explained.

“Even if it’s for the most ridiculous reasons?” Discord asked.

“Yeah… but it depends on which occasion,” The mare replied back as she adjusted her seat. “All of the ones involving personal milestones to me are just trying too hard to get ponies attention and to care about your accomplishments. I mean… there have been ridiculous ones over the years and some that I’ve had to attend because my staff told me that it would present me in a positive light.”

“Oh?” The draconequus then decided to ask a follow up question afterwards. “What kinds of celebrations?”

“Birthdays, Anniversaries, weddings, family reunions… hay, practically anything can be the grounds for a fundraiser… except funerals,” She stated. “Trust me, somepony tried that and it did not go well for them in the slightest. And other ponies had a common theme for each one of the events they held.”

“Some of these things had themes?”

“Well… it’s less like themes and more like something that’s common at each even for a certain pony,” Fair Play clarified. “For example, Court Order, the assemblycolt in Far Island had a bit of a common theme where each one of his events had a Far Island wine tasting as part of the event. No matter what the occasion was. The wine’s good, but… he had it at literally everything.”

“With how often you said the events were, that guy sounds more like an alcoholic if he’s having a lot of wine within a few days of one another,” The draconequus commented. “I mean, did he have it with every event?”

“Actually, no…” The assemblymare replied back, surprising Discord. “There was one event where they were having food from Shanghay and the food from it does not pair well with Far Island wine.”

“What does the food pair up with then? Street violence?” The chaos spirit asked, which actually got a bit of a crack out of the mare before she was able to form a reply back to him.

“Nah, it’s just that the taste of it doesn’t blend well.”

Yes, that may be true… but I did not come here to talk with a retiring assemblymare about terrible wine. Instead, I wanted to talk more about the room that is known as the heart of royal fundraising.

“Tell me more about the letter room.” Discord then asked.

“Well, it’s a place in the main headquarters that’s designated for it.” Fair Play simply told him.

“Okay, but I’ve never been inside there… so try to paint me a word picture so I can visualize it for myself,” He replied back to the assemblymare. “Are there like motivational posters of Celestia on that wall telling you to hang in there?”

“Well, what you got are like these little cubicles… and they have a series of fabric dividers at each one. And in each cubicle, you have a desk. One that has a writing easel, a bottle of ink, a quill, several sheets of paper if necessary and also a book. That book has the names and the information of each pony that you are trying to write letters too and after you complete one, your assistant turns the page and has it go to the next one… and the next one, and so on and so forth. And you keep on making those letters until you eventually have the funds that you need to get re-elected.”

Discord, upon hearing that, just blankly stared at Fair Play for a few moments. But soon, he was eventually able to speak. “Dear sweet Celestia, that’s just depressing… Are there like scripts for how you should write to them?”

“Well, every official has their own way of doing it,” She replied back. “But just in case, there are templates pinned to the wall of the cubicle as a way to help those who are often new to the whole process.”

“I guess that makes sense… is there any time in order for you to take a break in between letters?”

Fair Play shook her head in response to that. “No, you just gotta keep moving. If you are in a very competitive district and you have a goal for fundraising that needs to be reached, you know that there’s a certain goal to reach for every quarter… you figure out how much money you need to make per month, per week and lastly, how much money through each hour that you put into those letters.”

That lead to a rather baffled Discord then replying back with another thing on his mind. “This whole thing sounds like a very bad marketing operation with very sh*yay*tty working conditions. Do you have scented candles in there or something?”

“Personally… I think this whole thing is just a form of torture and the real victims of it is the creatures that call Equestria their home because they don’t believe that those who work in the royal assembly will not hear their voices.”

The draconequus nodded his head at that, before coming up with his next question. “Now… on my earlier remark with marketing operations, normally, those kinds of environments have a boss that would hold one's hooves to the fire and try to force them to make their quotas. Who was that pony in this instance?”

“Well, my ‘boss’ was the possibility that I might lose to somepony else that could possibly undo all of my work, trying to help ponies that were in the middle class-”

“Yeah, but you were the chairmare…” Discord countered mid statement.

That forced Fair Play to pause for a moment, before clarifying what she said. “Oh, I see… Yes, I was the chairmare for my party at the time.”

“So you were the one who was telling others to hit quotas?”

“I had a responsibility at the time to tell those who I worked with that you needed to spend time, raising money to come to Canterlot to change the system.”

And she must’ve told them a lot, because in Fair Play’s time as chairmare, she managed to have the members of her party to hit record fundraising levels. And it can’t have been easy for her to hate something that she was exceptionally good at. It’s like finding out that a beekeeper hates having bees swarm around him. I mean, they’re not wrong, they’re absolutely revolting. It’s just bizarre that he chose to do it in the first place. And with her career coming to an end, I thought it would be best to toast her in the most appropriate way possible.

“Well, since you are retiring soon, I thought I bring some Far Island wine,” Discord told her, getting out the wine and conjuring two glasses for him to pour it in, before letting her hold a glass in her levitation spell as Discord held up his glass. “How about a toast? To Change…”

The mare smiled in response, having both glass cling with one another as she smiled. “To change and reform.”

Yes. What better way to end a bittersweet political career with the taste of bittersweet northfoal chardonnay and a toast to change? You earned it, assemblymare. You definitely earned it.

The following day

When Twilight was taking a break from teaching and making sure that everypony else was in their classes, there was something that caught her attention… and that was the sight of what looked like a rather sleep deprived Filthy Rich almost passed out on the floor in her office. “Mr. Rich? Are you okay?” She asked as the stallion tried to rub his eyes in order to see who he was talking too.

“O-oh… G-good morning, princess…” The stallion replied back, slowly lifted up his head. “What time is it?”

“Filthy, it’s almost one in the afternoon,” The princess then told her in response. “What have you been doing recently? You look like you haven’t had any sleep at all.”

“W-well… Janice and I were a-assisting Discord with another one of his e-episodes…” Flithy yawned, trying to wrap his head around everything. “I was w-working so hard on f-finding out the s-statistics for money that those i-in the Royal Assembly needed to fundraise that I must’ve fallen asleep.” Of course, before he could be able to say anything else, what looked like another video was placed on the ‘Chaos-Vision’ TV that Discord had conjured in Twilight’s office as both ponies looked towards it.

“Something tells me that you helped him out a lot if he has another episode for us to watch,” Twilight grumbled. “And personally, I’m still trying to wrap my head about the inner workings of what went on last week with Rainbow and Applejack… Hopefully, this one is a bit easier to understand.”

Episode 21: The Prince and the Queen

Author's Note

And with this... we now introduce a new segment to the series. After Queen Chrysalis tried to take over the world with another botched diabolical plan, we now ask ourselves... How is she still a thing?
-Frost

Episode 21: The Prince and the Queen

After his last major piece on his show, Discord took a little bit of time to carefully try and figure out the next one. After the first few episodes of his show and how extremely popular his series had become, the draconequus noticed that now other shows were beginning to emerge as more and more households across Equestria were now beginning to have televisions in their homes. Leading to a bunch of different shows emerging across Equestria from the ordinary to the downright bizarre. This was not exactly something that he wanted to discuss however… but some of the things that were being broadcasted could potentially be used for future jokes and references.

Because tonight, he needed to get back to some serious topics. Things that were not exactly covered a lot over the last week, but still seemed important nonetheless. Because after hearing about a certain… disturbing trial at the Canterlot day court, he decided to look into it and what he found was something that he thought needed to be addressed immediately. Especially given who the issue affects the most. But it wasn’t something that he could just immediately dive into just yet. For there were some other stories that were considered as more ‘immediate’ headlines right now.

So, putting on a new navy colored suit and tie, Discord appeared from a cloud of pink smoke behind his desk as he greeted his audience this evening. “Welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight! I’m your host Discord and thank you so much for joining me! Just in time for a quick recap of the week and we begin in Canterlot, where this week, Celestia is planning for major trade negotiations between her and Equestria’s allies. However, one thing that has made some ponies concerned is that she wants Prince Blueblood… seen here on the left in his pajamas,” An image of Prince Blueblood in pj’s and slippers was then seen for a few seconds as the crowd laughed. “To be with her at the meeting and if you think… that Prince Blueblood would take some time to prepare for these negotiations… deep down, you probably know the answer to that.”

“I think I’m ready. I don’t really think I need to prepare much… It’s about having the right attitude… the willingness to get things done and to make sure that I don’t say anything that might sound offensive to other po- I mean creatures.”

That… left Discord a little surprised as he looked back at the audience and raised an eyebrow. “It’s not about about being prepared, it’s about attitude… That strategy doesn’t even sound like something that would work on Suri Polomare’s Drag Race,” A new cut away image was now shown as the audience could see a few of the mares that were on Suri Polomare’s new reality drama as the draconequus continued to speak. “I mean, sure… bring the attitude, but if you want to have a chance at winning, you better also have knowledge of Manes, Wigs, Dresses, Accessories and Sass if you even think you can handle the challenges ahead of you.”

Changing the image back to Blueblood, Discord redirected the conversation back to the current topic as he continued to speak. “But Blueblood right now is actually very confident in this approach of handling this. In fact, when a reporter from the Canterlot News Network asked him a question about how would he and Princess Celestia would know that talks would be going well, he said that he would know ‘within the first minute or so I’ll know… it’s just my ‘feel’ on the matter’. And it does not really give you confidence when it comes to negotiation when so much depends on tone and choice of words that he’s describing his strategy in the single most discouraging way possible.”

Several of the ponies in the audience were also a little bit grossed out by Blueblood’s own choice of words on the subject as the spirit of chaos thought of it as the perfect moment to switch subjects. “But for the moment, we can all be thankful that Celestia is closely watching him, so let’s move on to Queen Chrysalis… the former queen of the changelings and voted ‘most persistent nuisance’ by Evil Bad Guys Magazine,” The next image displayed was a image of Queen Chrysalis in a sinister looking pose for the cover of a magazine that looked to have been made up. “Now, you might be thinking… wait, why are we talking about her? I thought she disappeared into the sunset and swearing revenge when King Thorax took over… Well, it turns out she was actually plotting a comeback… but her plan had… mixed results.”

That had several ponies look back in confusion as Discord began to explain everything. “For you see, Queen Chrysalis herself tried creating a series of evil clones that would try to sow seeds of doubt amongst Twilight and her friends… However, Queen Chrysalis did not exactly have any form of control over them and her newfound minions turned on her. Seriously… that was exactly what happened. Twilight and her friends did not even know that Chrysalis was somehow involved in this and it’s rather strange to see that a princess like Bookworm right here can’t even see or hear a clone of herself when they are just a few feet away… But there was something else that looked weird… Because when I actually talked to Twilight about it, she had an entirely different response.”

A clip of Discord having a conversation with the princess was now on screen as Discord began to show her a series of pictures. Those that resembled that of the clones that Chrysalis happened to make… even though she had a rather… different response. “Discord, are you sure that you aren’t going back to your old ways? These pictures look more like you discorded my friends than anything else.”

“She’s right!” Discord announced, throwing up the same pictures that he originally had into the air as they were thrown all over the place. “It looked like Chrysalis just ripped out a page of my old book of villainy in order to do this villainous scheme of hers. She must’ve gotten so far down the rabbit hole in trying to formulate an original revenge plot that she ends up trying to plagiarize what I did before being reformed!” That was followed by side by side comparisons of Twilight’s friends, both the clones that Chrysalis had made and when Discord had discorded each one of them. And they looked almost exactly the same.

“And sure… Chrysalis is still a threat that needs to be dealt with, but her evil doings are lacking so much in originality that she honestly treated this whole mistake as a ‘plan for conquering Equestria’. That’s like if a young colt was drawing a stick figure picture and treated it like something that should be hung up in a museum,” The draconequus added, causing his crowd to laugh as an image of what looked like ‘Chrysalis’ plan for world domination’ was drawn on a piece of paper using crayons. “And you know what’s the most embarrassing part of it? The fact that somepony who was able to invade Canterlot and also foalnap ponies all across Equestria, two huge plans in order to try and stop the Mane Six so she could get what she wanted… ended up rushing the sequel to those two plots and had the whole thing become a complete and utter mess. A movie director… who takes time in order to be able to make movies and sequels to them… would not just try to rush a third installment to a franchise in a short amount of time. That would just ruin the whole thing.”

As Discord took a deep breath and straightened his suit, he then came up with a final statement for the piece. “So, if Queen Chrysalis is going to try and come up with some sort of crazy plan to take over the world, let’s just bear in mind that sometimes… she gets way too ahead of herself to the point that she has to watch her own plans melt away directly in front of her…” At that segment, it showed the clone of Twilight melting in the long tendrils of the tree of Harmony as Discord pointed directly at the camera now. “And now, this…”

And now… Last Week Tonight presents… How is this still a thing? This week… Queen Chrysalis. How is she still a thing?

Ponykind across the world first learned of the changelings back during the royal wedding. Where their leader, Queen Chrysalis, used her magic to take the form of Princess Cadence and throw the real her down into the mines. Some ponies though would want to know why she would do such a thing originally? Was it to steal love, both figuratively and literally? Was it because most ponies were too easy to trick and when one pony tried to speak up about the whole thing, almost everypony was foolish enough to think that the most smartest pony in the room was somehow wrong? Well tonight, we try to answer that question and find out… Just how the f*yay*ck is Queen Chrysalis still a thing?

We first thought that we would try asking some of the ponies that were around Canterlot about what they thought were the reasons behind the Canterlot Wedding invasion. What we heard was… well, to put it frankly, disappointing. Because the reason for it does not involve trying to declare war on Ponykind…

“Did she try it to declare war against us?”

No, it had nothing to do with declaring war against Ponykind.

“Did they want to steal everything that we hold dear?”

No, not that either… Plus, you aren’t really specific about that last part.

“Oh, isn’t it because back then, they wanted to steal love from other ponies and also steal Cadence’s boy toy?”

Okay… just… eww. And did you have to say that when Shining Armor is directly behind you? Seriously, the poor guy already has a blush that looks like a really bad sunburn. Don’t give him bad thoughts of him possibly sleeping with someone other than his wife. It hurts his self esteem. But to be fair, he does have a particular point… The wedding was used as cover in order to steal love from other ponies, but that was only one time. The other times she has been a big threat has been when she uses some b-movie plotline of trying to take over the world and only have one defector of her hive actually undo everything. And that defector is Thorax… Yes, the new king. And he himself will even tell you a surprising fact about Chrysalis.

“When I was once a drone there, Chrysalis barely shared her plans to anybuggy. I mean… if you have this plan that you want to pull off, then the least that you should do is actually tell somebuggy your plan so they are on the same page.”

He’s got a f*yay*cking point there… Communication is vitally important, whether it’s working for the Wonderbolts during drill practice or if you are some kind of douche who wants to pull off a flash mob in the middle of daytime traffic, you need to be able to communicate with your base. Otherwise, you’ll just end up being a one pony band and just like what Pinkie Pie would say when babysitting the Cake Twins…

“Wow… Tough crowd…”

And just when you think that can’t be enough… whenever the plans that she never tells anypony about go wrong, she acts like a foal and plays the blame game. On who, you might ask… Well, specifically on former equality dictator, former student to Princess Twilight Sparkle and Friendship School Guidance counselor Starlight Glimmer… and before you ask, I did say all three of those things in that particular order. A pony who only got on her hit list because all she wanted to do was extend a hoof of friendship… which lead to Queen Chrysalis swatting it away and basically telling her to shove it up her flank. Almost like most ponies who throws tantrums when they don’t get what they want… Exhibit A…

“BUY ME MORE JEWELRY!!!”

Exhibit B…

“Oh come on!! Why did I mess up on the last boss?!! Now I need to start over again!!”

Exhibit C…

“Quiet! I pay an assistant to sew and get coffee, not talk. 'Kay?”

See? Even a pony who thinks she’s entitled to get what she wants from who she considers as a deadbeat of a husband acts, a colt who spends too much time at the arcade and the former employer of Coco Pommel who now hosts a reality show with no point to it whatsoever and making ponies on their question their sexuality can be seen as a villain. So, as Chrysalis flies off into the night sky and curses the very existence of Starlight Glimmer into oblivion… all while the Elements of Harmony have no idea what exactly just transpired on their friendship getaway, we ask ourselves… How is Queen Chrysalis still a thing?

The Following Morning

“Hey Spike,” The voice of Smolder had the young dragon look up from the table he was having breakfast at as he noticed the orange dragon leaning on the doorway to Twilight’s office. “Um… Have you seen Professor Applejack? She was supposed to be helping with the morning lessons, but nopony has seen her this morning.”

“Oh uh…” Spike said, scratching the back of his head as he looked back at the dragon in the doorway. “She went to go get her eyesight checked.”

“O… kay,” Smolder asked with a raised eyebrow. “Well, where’s Rainbow Dash? She can fill in for her, right?”

“Um… She’s getting her eyesight checked too…” The dragon admitted as he looked away for a moment. “And Rarity… and Pinkie… and Twilight… and-”

“Okay, seriously? Why would Princess Twilight need to get her eyes checked? Is she reading too many books to the point that she’s straining her eyes?” Smolder now asked.

“Well… Um, she told me not to say but…” Spike replied back as he looked at the female dragon. “The girls were out on a camping trip over the weekend, but… it turns out that a former villain with a grudge against Starlight tried to ruin the whole thing.”

That had Smolder fold her arms for a moment before asking a new question. “Seriously? Who would hold a grudge against a guidance counselor?”

“An angry former changeling queen who tried taking over Equestria somehow by creating clones of Twilight and the others to the point that they couldn’t even tell them apart from the real thing,” Spike admitted, before placing both claws over his mouth and accidentally falling backwards onto the ground. “Oww…”

It was as Smolder saw this, and as she was helping Spike up that she happened to notice something. It was the same ‘television’ that Discord had left for the Princess in her office, showing the most recently broadcasted episode… and from it, Smolder got an idea. “Hey Spike, can I borrow this?”

“Umm… Are you sure? That belongs to Twilight…”

“It will only be for a little bit… I have an idea in order to try and help out the faculty, but I’m going to need your help and also the help of the entire class.” Smolder smirked, taking the TV with her before leaving the room as Spike was trying to contemplate what just happened.

“Why do I have a really bad feeling about this?”

Later…

“Well that was the last two hours of my life wasted,” Rainbow groaned as she was returning back to the classroom with each one of her friends right beside her. “I mean sure… I would expect you needing an eye exam Twilight, but why would you think that everypony else needs one?”

“Rainbow, you saw the new episode of Discord’s show along with everypony else. None of us could tell what was really going on or thought for a moment that there were evil clones of us,” The princess of friendship told the pegasus. “In order to prevent a repeat of this incident from happening again, I wanted to make sure that all of us could be able to tell if there’s a difference between us and a fake.”

“If ah have to speak here, the only question ah have in my mind is why does Chrysalis have so much of a grudge against Starlight?” Applejack then asked. “Ah mean… sure, Starlight and Thorax did save us and all when Chrysalis kidnapped us, but seriously… why does she blame her for when everything goes wrong?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know the answer to that question,” Starlight spoke up as the guidance counselor opened up the door to the friendship school and looked back at her friends. “At least we can be able to get back to doing what we do best.”

“Yeah! And now that our suspension’s are over, AJ and Rainbow can get back to teaching!” Rainbow triumphantly declared… before asking something as she stepped into the school. “Wait… Where is everyone?”

It was something that the rest of her friends were also beginning to notice too. Everything seemed… quiet. Not even Spike was there in order to greet them when they came back, making things seem a little more weird as everypony was trying to figure out what was going on. They even checked all of the faculty rooms in order to make sure that nopony was hiding inside. However, it was just as they were checking inside the main classroom that Twilight herself noticed something.

The TV that Discord had ‘provided’ for her… was in the main classroom. And the entire class was watching it. “Oh no…”

That stray comment alone had all six of the students inside turn to face them as the door was closed from behind. Some going as far as to use the desks almost like they’re weapons… and Silverstream using her slinky like it was a bola snare in order to prevent anypony from escaping. “Woah woah woah! Hey, what in the world is going on!?” Rainbow blurted out. “Can’t you see that it’s us?!”

“Oh really now?” Smolder asked. “And how are we so sure that it is you?”

“W-what-?”

“Spike told us that you all were getting your eyesight checked…” Smolder said, as the TV showed the ending of the ‘How is this still a thing?’ clip from Discord’s last episode. “Yet, we have no way of knowing if you are our actual teachers or it’s those fakes.”

“Ooh Ooh! I got an idea,” They heard Silverstream say out loud. “Let’s do a personality quiz!! Let’s ask them questions that they only know the answers too!”

“That sounds like a good idea.” Sandbar then nodded his head in confirmation.

“Works for me.” Gallus then added on as he looked at Ocellus and Yona to see what they would have to say. While both of them nodded their heads in approval, Smolder then had all the students huddle up in order to discuss what they were going to do next.

Unfortunately… Silverstream was already getting started. “Oh princess Twilight… do you recognize this?” The hippogriff asked, holding up what looked like a copy of the published Friendship Journal that she released last year. One that was actually signed by her no less.

“Y-yes?” The princess answered.

“Well… how do you feel about this?” Before Twilight could even ask, Silverstream tore out a page of it right before her eyes. Causing the Alicorn to drop to the ground as she looked at the damage book and began to cry out in pain.

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

“Wow… that’s one way of proving that’s her alright,” Smolder commented as Silverstream let Twilight go so she could mourn the loss of a personally signed mint condition copy of her book. “Now… what about the others?”

“I have an idea for Rainbow…” Gallus said as he walked over to where Rainbow was held up.

“H-hey, come on! I’m not some fake! Can’t you tell how 100% awesome I am?!” The Pegasus said as she squirmed in the restraint around her and her friends.

“I believe that… But just to be sure…” As the griffon finished his sentence, he held out what looked like a Ponaroid picture of her Wonderbolt teammate Soarin at the beach... in a speedo. Causing a massive blush to emerge on Rainbow’s face and for her wings to spring outward. Hitting two of her friends in the face as they had gone stiff.

“O-oww! Hey, what gives Rainbow-?!” Applejack asked as Rainbow’s right wing was obstructing her view, while her left was obstructing Rarity’s.

“D-darling, what is this nonsense!?”

“Yeah, that’s Rainbow… Let her out, Silverstream.” Gallus told his classmate as the hippogriff allowed for Rainbow to catch her breath… before noticing something. Pinkie Pie had slipped out of the restraint… and parts of the spring looked to be covered in butter.

“Heehee! That was fun!!” Pinkie Pie then said, popping out of nowhere as she was bouncing in place next to Twilight and Rainbow. “Whatcha looking at, Dashie?”

“Oh! N-nothing!! Nothing at all.” An embarrassed Rainbow said as she scrambled to hide the picture that Gallus had shown her.

“Well, that’s three down at least…” Smolder now said as her classmates and the staff that were free now looked back at her. “Now we have three more to go… Any suggestions on what we should do?”

“How about I ask why are you doing this?!” Everypony turned towards Starlight as she posed the question for them. “Is this because of what happened on our camping trip?”

“We just wanted to make sure that you are who you say you are.” Gallus added on, now leaning back in a chair against the wall as he and Sandbar were playing with a deck of cards. “I mean… think of it, the students need to be just as prepared for when a villain hatches a maniacal scheme as you guys, right?”

“Well, y-yeah but…”

“And we already know that you’re the primary thing that crazy Chrysalis changeling curses into oblivion so… yeah.” The Griffon also added, which cause Starlight to look a little bit embarrassed as the rest of his friends were all thinking about what to do next. Just as Ocellus was whispering an idea to Smolder and Yona.

Then… the yak took over as she looked at Fluttershy. “You!”

“Eep!!” Fluttershy quivered at first, before looking back at Yona. “Y-yes?”

“Yona have test for you,” The Yak proclaimed. “Name each animal you care for at cottage.”

“O-okay,” Fluttershy stammered, before she began to think of the names for all the animals that she was looking over at her cottage. “Um… there’s Angel the bunny… Hummingway the hummingbird… the orange bird named Constance, a pair of otters… Elizabeak, the chicken… Fuzzy Legs, Mr. Mousey… Harry the bear… Oh and Toby!”

Both Rarity and Applejack looked at her for a moment at the last name she said, raising an eyebrow. “Who’s Toby?”

“Oh right… I had not introduced him to you yet…” Fluttershy sighed. “He’s a fruit bat that I’m caring for. Though, I didn’t tell you because of… well… what happened last time-”

“Well Smolder… she did recite them all…” Ocellus muttered shyly, leading to the dragoness nodding her head.

“Very well, Fluttershy is clear… Now we have two more,” Smolder replied back as Fluttershy was released from the slinky that was holding them all together. “But who to do first?”

And again… Silverstream was already on that as she looked towards Rarity. “Your fashion was so yesterday.”

Which… caused the fashionista to twitch as she looked back at her. “E-excuse you? What did you say about my fashion-?!”

“Yep, that’s Professor Rarity alright!” Silverstream declared, before yanking her out of the snare and leaving Applejack as the last pony inside. “Now… how we should test to see if Applejack is truly her?”

“I don’t know… maybe have her name all her family members or something?” Sandbar asked.

“That would take forever. We need something much simpler.” Smolder replied back, before looking to Rainbow and the rest of the faculty. “Any suggestions?”

“We got this…” Rainbow then volunteered as she trotted over to Pinkie Pie for a moment to whisper something in her ear… before she dashed off to the kitchen for a quick moment. Returning with something in her hooves… something that Applejack did not realized until Pinkie shoved it in her mouth.

It was an orange. And one that Applejack immediately spat out as she looked back at Rainbow. “What the hay are ya trying to do?! Choke me!?!”

Which, lead to all of the students cheering out in glee and Silverstream to almost sing. “It is her!!”

“Darn right it is!! Ah mean… ah know that ya want to make sure that we are the real thing, but did ya have to do that?!” Applejack asked, glaring at Rainbow for a moment.

“Well, you know what they say…” The pegasus grinned as she looked back at her friend while Silverstream let her out of the slinky. “Desperate times call for desperate measures…”

Episode 22: The Royal Court

Author's Note

This week, Discord covers one of the most important courts in Equestria that... everypony hasn't really heard about before. Therefore, he offers a rather... interesting and furry solution.

I had this in the back of my head for a while now, but it's only now that I've had the chance to finally finish it. I hope you guys still enjoy it all the same.
-Frost

Episode 22: The Royal Court

After his episode where he poked fun at Queen Chrysalis, Discord felt as if he needed to take a small break. There wasn’t a new episode that weekend, but there was sure enough news revolving around the draconequus’ head to the point where he needed to make an episode on something rather important that just happened recently regarding something that is not really talked about so often, but still vital to how Equestria’s justice system worked. Because the only time that ponies seem to pay attention to it is either when they are complaining at Day Court, complaining again at Night Court or if they are actually on some kind of reality court show.

But in order to actually be ready to present this subject, he first needed to get some facts. Luckily, he had visited Cae Cae and Lulu to get some additional information regarding the subject he would be talking about. That subject was in regards to the highest court in Equestria… and surprisingly enough, the one that barely a lot of ponies knew what exactly it was. And for those who did actually know what it was, they only consisted of nobles, lawmakers, the princesses and anypony else who seemed to work for them.

In Discord’s mind though, he saw this as inexcusable. Everypony, no matter who they are, should know about this. And to the draconequus’ utter surprise, some of the ponies that he had spoken too agreed with him. Because they believed that the more that the public knew about how the justice system worked, the more that their voices could be heard and that those ponies could be able to contribute to society. Especially when it came to the most crucial issues that either have been discussed before on the show or possibly future topics that he wanted to save for a later date.

Putting on a light blue collared shirt and a black jacket with a tie that matches, the draconequus greeted the crowd that waited for him and began to make his opening remarks while getting comfortable in the chair behind his desk. “Welcome everypony to Last Week Tonight!” The crowd cheered in response as Discord had the group settle down a little bit. “I’m Discord, thank you so much for joining us tonight and boy… do we have something bit to cover. You might be thinking… ‘hold on, we’re in the middle of a midseason summer hiatus, what big thing do we exactly need to cover?’. Well, bear in mind… we do live in Equestria after all. A place where we have things literally go out of our control almost every day.”

The image of what looked like hundred of ponies caught under the ‘want it, need it’ spell that Twilight had casted when she was still Celestia’s student and what happened afterwards briefly surfaced as Discord had it disappear a few seconds later. “Aside from that though, our main story tonight concerns courts… or as most ponies see it, a twenty four hour ‘complain to your favorite princess panel’,” That was followed by a picture of what appeared to be a sign in front of the building where Day and Night Court would be held, alongside a picture of a Sun and Moon. “Courts are the center of Equestria’s judicial system and some of you have probably heard of them at one point or another. Maybe it’s because you hear about some of the things that occur in canterlot while they’re being held… or because recently, there’s been a lot of daytime court shows on almost daily like this.”

“You’re watching The Decision with Judge Verdict.”

“Welcome to The Ponies Court!”

“A junior college student brings her daddy! Judge Decree!!”

“A vicious dog draws blood! … And writes a confession? Find out what happens on Trot Bench!”

“Yeah, I rather not know what happens because if you actually have a case where someone said that, you would immediately ask ‘How the f*ck is that possible?! Case Dismissed’!!” Discord said, moving his arms in an X like formation to try and cancel it out. “But we aren’t talking about those courts nor are we talking about Day and Night Court. The focus tonight is on the Royal Court, one that’s extremely important, but not many ponies have heard about or know what it means. In fact, a recent poll by the Canterlot Gazette shows that under forty percent of ponies know about it and also know about what it’s purpose is.”

That had Discord straighten himself up as he began to speak again. “So tonight, we’re going to try and answer those questions for you. What the Royal Court is, Why is it important, and also what makes one big headline that came up this week very troubling. And let’s start with What the Royal Court is because, to put it simply, they’re one of the most powerful courts in Equestria. All the courts that you have heard of or seen are nothing compared to what they can do, because many of their decisions have impacted some of the subjects that we have talked about before on this show with the seven judges on the court making crucial decisions on equality, civil rights and anti-discrimination against other species.”

That was when Discord had his first joke for the night. “Essentially… they’re the equivalent of a Judicial Mane Seven… Except that instead of being experienced in resolving friendship problems, their experienced in solving real world legal problems and actually have the background for it,” That cracked a laugh from his audience as the draconequus asked a question. “I know that I support the friendship school but… Seriously? Why would Princess Twilight open a school if she has no teaching credentials? That’s just beyond me…”

After a few seconds though, the spirit of chaos got back on track. “More to the point though, there is a reason why the court’s supposed to have seven judges. Let’s say, for example, that they’re looking over a case and three judges on the court are for changing the rules and another three are against that change… In that case, the last judge would be what they call a ‘swing vote’, where they make the final decision to where it goes to one side or the other,” Each part of what Discord told his audience was accompanied by an image in order to help explain it better. “And when one of those judges retires, Princess Celestia has to nominate another judge to take their place and picking a judge for the highest court in Equestria is not like picking out who would be attending your princess coronation ceremony.”

That was followed by showing the ceremony where Twilight was crowned as a princess as Discord looked at the camera with a look of disbelief. “I mean… come on. I had already started being reformed by Fluttershy and then you don’t invite me? My reformation was one of the things that lead to you becoming Princess. Open your eyes!”

That little rant of his got a few small laughs as he began to calm himself down and let out a deep sigh. “More to the point though… this court has been responsible for overturning centuries old laws that had once been set in stone? Remember back in the third episode of the show where we revealed the prejudice against Zebra’s that was demonstrated by Celestia’s parents? Well, because of this court, they found that as unlawful and made it to where the law that allowed is no longer valid and the private property that belonged to Faust and Family was returned back to the Zebras. Which is great… especially since that was something that should not have been done in the first place. They’ve worked on a lot of cases that impact real ponies and tackle the issues that mostly affect you. With some of them coming down to the ‘swing vote’ judge that I mentioned earlier.”

Then, there came something else that he mentioned. “So it was rather troubling this week to hear this big story regarding the court hover over everypony’s heads.”

“A big shake up in the Royal Court is set to take place as one of the judges on the court, Mr. Iron Gavel, has announced that he’s retiring at the end of this term. He was a key vote in several cases regarding cases that involved Civil Rights, immigration and also most importantly, was the deciding vote in a case that lead to many Anti-discrimination laws being passed.”

“And that is a major deal… because a lot of ponies are concerned that the next potential pick for the royal court could overturn the rulings that had been previously done. Undoing all the progress and change that has been happening so far,” The spirit of chaos explained. “You wouldn’t like it if a ‘new friend’ of yours borrows a video game that you’ve put a lot of hours into, only to overwrite your save file and have you lose all your progress, would you?” Many ponies actually laughed in agreement at that fact as he looked back at his audience again. “Because you know that if he actually did that, you will never have wanted to be friends with that guy! And that’s what many ponies are concerned with right now.”

Around then, Discord paused for a short moment, before letting out a deep breath. “Because even though Celestia is the one that makes the final choice on who to pick, there is concern that some of the nobles will try to pitch a potential candidate that will have the most powerful court in Equestria swing in one direction or another. But so far, it seems as if those working for Celestia have made things really clear with even Prince Blueblood releasing this statement.”

Thank you to Justice Iron Gavel for your long career of service on the Royal Court of Equestria. Rest assured that Princess Celestia will nominate a strong successor in the form of the late justice Final Verdict, to which can uphold the values and liberties that all creatures deserve to have.

Then, the spirit of chaos took a crack at that. “On one hoof, that may seem nice… but on the other hand, that just seems rather weird and a little bit rude,” Discord replied back. “Because normally when you host a retirement party for somepony, you don’t really give a toast to someone at their retirement party and say ‘Thank you for everything you did at this company Lily, and rest assured that we will replace you with somepony like that other mare that used to work here that we like much more than you’. And as of now, Celestia is said to already have a list of potential nominees for the court pick, however in any time that they were asked about that by local reporters, they just kept on dodging the question and even went as far as to say that ‘you can throw a dart at it and that would be the decision’. That’s not how you nominate a judge for the royal court, that’s exactly how those in nobility make decisions regarding policy.”

The image that followed that statement was one of a noble using their magic in order to throw a dart at a wooden board with a paper that read ‘IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO’ at the top of it. “And no matter how exactly you may think of it, the consequences for this seem really grim and a lot of you in the audience want to try and know about what exactly can you do. Only problem with that is that it’s kind of hard in order to be able to know about something when you can’t exactly see them while everything is going on. But the problem with that is the fact that something else occured two days before this judge announced his retirement.”

“A surprise announcement today from the Royal Court, saying that they are banning the use of any cameras to film any oral arguments during any terms, but instead will allow the release of fifteen to thirty second audio clips from oral arguments and cases after a trial has commenced.”

Discord looked back at his audience, before facepalming himself with his lion paw. “Really? Banning cameras, but releasing audio clips that short? That just sounds stupid… because anytime that they present those audio clips on TV, they put them alongside what looks to be illustrations straight out of the book of a sketch artist… and their drawings make one of the judges look like Rarity wearing a wig… and another problem… was that it’s boring! The Royal Court and who’s on it making decisions about us and the entire population is something we really should be paying attention too and yet, because of this we can’t… so not only do we have any idea if these Justices really are trying to support what we value, but we can’t be able to stand what’s actually released because it sounds like listening to your grandparents talking to each other in real time. This is a judicial court taking on important cases across Equestria, not a student council meeting trying to determine a theme for homecoming that’s age appropriate!”

It was then that the draconequus scratched his small chin beard before thinking of something that he began to say to his audience. “But… there may be one possible idea that could potentially work if we want to get more ponies to pay attention and care about the Royal Court. And the idea comes… from this.”

What played next was what appeared to be Fluttershy as she was watching her rabbit, Angel, pretend to do tap-dancing. Using a bottle cap as a hat and a carrot like it was a cane as the rabbit danced like it was one of those old movies about singing in the rain. “Think about it for just a moment… if somepony had you just listen to the audio, you would want to punch them repeatedly in the face. But the visual makes that dancing bunny rather alluring, because they are doing something you would not expect for a bunny to otherwise do.”

That was when Discord looked back at his audience and began to speak up. “So… with that in mind, I had spent way too much time with Fluttershy, her friends and Dr. Fauna in order to make an animal based royal court,” The announcement had everypony in the audience caught off guard as a pedestal of several different animals soon came out onto the stage. Each one being based off of a different judge in the royal court along with having a chicken being the royal court stenographer. “Where each one of the animals that’s on the podium right here matches that of the judges that are on the court as of right now! And we didn’t just form this court just for laughs… even though that’s kind of what we are getting right now. Because we’ve been composing a whole collection of stock footage of each one of these judges and everyone associated with the court so you can present this case through the footage instead of the creepy sketch artist drawings that are boring as f*******ck. And it’s not just news stations, I’m talking about everypony who’s able to do this! We’re doing this as a public service to everypony and providing the entire toolkit for free. So let me show you what you’ll be getting.”

The crowd cheered at that, shortly before Discord began to give a few examples of what kind of ‘footage’ would they be providing for not just local news stations, but for everypony else. Introducing Winowa, Opalesque, Tank, Angel, Gummy, Philomena, and even Luna’s pet possum Tiberius were on the model courtroom. Having them play the role of the judges while the chick stenographer that was Fluttershy’s pet chicken, Elizabeak, trying her best to keep up. Alongside footage of both Twilight’s pet, Owlicious, and Fluttershy’s bear friend Harry being lawyers. “Be honest… you would want to hear the hour long arguments of any case if you’re watching these animals re-enacting it, don’t you?”

A lot of ponies were cheering in encouragement right now as Discord was preparing his final words for the night. “We are providing the entire tool kit for everypony… and since we are having a new judge take the stand on the royal court in the near future, we’ll also be providing two choices for you to determine who would take the place of justice Iron Gavel, played in this courtroom by the possum Tiberius,” Discord said as a new stand appeared. This time with two birds on each one as the crowd cheered more. “First we have Constance, an orange bird who has been living with Fluttershy for the last few years. His hobbies include singing in unison with Fluttershy and songbirds as well as going on long flights around Ponyville. And we also have Peewee here! Once a young phoenix hatchling that was rescued by Spike, Peewee’s grown up into a mature phoenix who’s screeches can cause those who argue with him to go deaf and also gives rather heartwarming hugs.”

That was followed by a picture of a mature Peewee hugging Spike as the crowd let out an ‘aww’ in response to the picture. “Now that you have your choices, I would like for you to cast your ballots and next week, we’ll decide who will be the newest judge on our animal royal court!”

The Following Morning

When Discord had stopped by the castle to check and see how everypony’s favorite friendship princess was doing, what he found was… not entirely what he expected. In fact, the only individual he actually found inside the building was Spike as he greeted the Draconequus. “Ah, hey Discord. How are you?”

“I’m doing quite well actually, thank you for asking,” He replied back. The last time that he had seen Spike was when he was back at the Friendship School and found out that Starlight was going to cover for Twilight as principal… even though he had all the possible qualifications for the job. “Is Twilight home?”

“Yes, but I’m afraid that she’s taking a nap right now. Her trip with Rarity recently took a lot out of her.” The young dragon told him.

“Oh? Did Rarity drag her along for a shopping spree across Canterlot or something?” Discord asked, a bit curious as to what Spike was telling him.

“Actually, it was something completely different…” Spike replied back, before asking one question to Discord. Little did either of them know that it would lead to the draconequus figuring out what to do next for his late night show.

“Have you ever heard of the Flim Flam brothers?”

Episode 23.5: City Slogans

Author's Note

Discord’s off for a little while given... reasons, but he took some time off in order to develop this little mini episode for you to enjoy. Take a look.

Heads up... there’s going to be a lot of things that are well... uncensored. Have fun with that
-Frost

Episode 23.5: City Slogans

At this current point in his production schedule, Discord was really trying his best in order to get a new episode out to his viewers so they wouldn’t be seen as ‘disappointed’ by the lack of content that he would provide for them. Unfortunately, not even all the chaos magic he had could prepare him for deadlines as he regrettably had to push back the release of the episode that he was preparing for next week. But… it did not mean that he couldn’t be about to provide any entertainment for his fans. So, with the free time that he had, he decided to prepare what could be seen as a small appetizer to tide them over.

Looking back at the camera in his studio now, he had a shortened version of the normal introduction play out on screen before waving to the camera. “Hello there, everypony. I’m Discord, the host of Last Week Tonight and right now, you might be thinking… hey, wait a minute, this isn’t how you would normally introduce your show. What’s the big idea?” He said, getting a small chuckle from the ponies that were in his studio audience as he let out a deep breath. “Well, unfortunately, we are off this week and don’t have a full on new episode for you… but that doesn’t mean that I can’t make mini episodes like these ones on the side to keep you entertained while you patiently wait for the next one. And the reason I wanted to make this episode was that one story got a lot of ponies attention is this.”

“Many ponies across Equestria are now raising eyebrows at Neighbraska after their tourism commission recently revealed their new tourism slogan. Which says ‘Neighbraska. Honestly, it’s not for everypony’.”

Despite the fact that his studio audience was much smaller than normal, it was still enough to get a laugh out of his audience as Discord rubbed his eyes for a moment. “You heard that right… Neighbraska, a place that looks to be where they hide dead bodies in the overgrown wheat fields… is catching the attention of ponies because of a brutally honest tourism slogan. And normally, you would only see something being brutally honest when its revealed in the beginning of a parody trailer from another dimension like this.”

That was followed by a extremely short clip where the audience heard a sound file that said ‘The following is rated H for honest’ before redirecting the attention back to Discord. “And it’s not just the slogan itself that has been catching attention, it's also the reasons for the slogan in particular. Because they hired consultants to help them and what they found out was that many ponies don’t consider it to be a luxurious travel destination. Which is honestly true… but just because it’s honest doesn’t mean it would make you feel less anxious. You wouldn’t be less anxious if you saw a slogan in front of Tartarus prison that says ‘Tartarus. Expect to be murdered here’.”

His audience laughed at the image of the tourism slogan put on a billboard at the gates of Tartarus as he looked back and straightened out his tie. Preparing the next thing to say as the draconequus snapped his talon to make the picture disappear. “Despite this though… personally, I like the approach that they’re taking with this. Because at some point in their lives, everypony goes to that one place where they think they will have a good vacation at, only to realize that where they were staying was either not what they were expecting or worse then that. My only complaint though… is why hasn’t anypony else thought of this idea?”

That got his audience a bit confused as each member looked at one another. “Think about it… if some towns had done something like this before a while ago, think of all the ruined vacations that could’ve been prevented if someponies looked at a brochure for a place, saw the slogan and were like ‘Yeah, maybe we should keep looking’,” A picture of two ponies looking at a brochure with really disturbed faces was then shown before it disappeared again. “So… with that in mind, we decided to call in some help for this. Because we thought that, as a public service and to help out the students at Twilight’s school of friendship, we worked together to come up with some more brutally honest slogans on well known cities and towns in Equestria as well as outside of it. So please, go ahead and take a look.”

And now… a list of painfully honest and uncensored tourism slogans of places all across Equestria.

Ponyville; Where crazy shit happens daily.

Canterlot; We’re either filled with rich pricks or useless soldiers.

Las Pegasus; I’m not going to lie to you, you’ll get ripped off here.

The Crystal Empire: It’s cold as hell!

Griffonstone: Either pay or stay away!

Yayakistan: Smash or we declare war!

Seaquestria: Look… we know.

Klugetown: Yes… furries exist.

Peaks of Peril: It’s definitely not what it looks like.

Cloudsdale: We make it rain… literally.

Manehattan: We’re a city!

Applewood: Where the boulevard of broken dreams is a real thing.

Dragon Lands: You’re gonna be bullied.

Changeling Kingdom: Please don’t bring bug spray.

Appleloosa: We’re only known for our apples.

San Franciscolt: Despite our big bridge, traffic is still a nightmare.

Neighagra Falls: Rated best family activities by ‘Are you batshit crazy!?!’ magazine.

Wonderbolt Academy: We’ll backstab you if something goes wrong, newbie!

Mane: Not just what’s on your head. Also… a city.

Neighland: Welcome to the country of rain, dark clouds and misery.

Prance: Admit it. You’re only here for the pastries and baguettes, aren’t you?

Saddle Arabia: Quit mistaking us for Somnambula already!

Somnambula: Why does everypony think we and Saddle Arabia are the same thing?

Germaney: Trust me… We don’t get along well with the prench.

Hollow Shades: The only place where the name sounds scarier than the town itself.

Mount Aris: If you think our name sounds creepy, wait until you see our caves.

Sire’s Hollow: The answer to the question ‘what if an infomercial was a retirement residence?’

Rockville: The literal definition of ‘Rock bottom’

Dodge Junction: DOOOOOOODGE!!!

Rainbow Falls: The fleet market for nerds

Fillydelphia: Plenty of children here, you sick creeps.

Stratusburg: Sounds oddly prench to me.

Chaotic Dimension: It’s chaotic for a reason.

Trottingham: You'll be robbed by some green boys

Salt Lick City: Despite the name, please don’t actually lick any salt here.

Zebrafica: #ZebraLivesMatter

Seaddle: Can we please get some FUCKING sunshine for once?!

Episode 24: Voting

Author's Note

With the recent news and everyone getting out of the whirlwind that was the elections, I thought it would be fun to have Discord take a look at how Equestria's voting system works... and how some ponies really try to say that proving that you are who you say you are is not too much to ask.

Happy Thanksgiving everypony!
-Frost

Episode 24: Voting

In the time that Discord did his last full segment, there was one main thing that was going on in everypony’s minds as it happened to grow closer and closer. No, it wasn’t when the start date for the next year of the school of friendship or the sales day that causes shopping riots all over the country after everyone gives thanks. Instead, it was something that the draconequus had mentioned before in a previous episode. That being local elections, like the ones who run to be the mayor or governor of a certain town or city as well as the elections that determine if certain laws would be able to pass and be put into law.

But, tonight’s episode was not about the election in particular. Instead, it’s about one of the most important tasks that take place during this time. And how a lot of ponies are really trying to bend the rules of it so what they would try to propose would have a more favorable outcome, even though they’re trying to ‘promote’ a more balanced system. It was something that the spirit of chaos thought that it should be addressed immediately, but since he needed to get all the facts on the matter, finding all the right information for this took two weeks instead of the usual one week.

But first, he needed to get his audience’s attention. Get them warmed up. Because there was a small part of him that felt that bringing up this kind of subject was not really what somepony would think he would want to entertain them with. Especially when there were many other ones that he really wished that he could be able to do. And it was something that he decided to address as the opening theme for his show began to play in the background and he sat at his desk.

“Welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight! I’m Discord and thank you so much for joining us,” He greeted his audience as they cheered and clapped their hooves together in applause. “And first thing first before we get into the main story here… I want to let you know that what’s going to be discussed isn’t exactly joyful. Because this year, we are in an election year where a record number of ponies are running for office. But that’s not what tonight is going to be about.”

Everypony in the audience looked at each other for a moment. Curious as to what the draconequus meant as he began to speak. “Instead, we are going to look at something else that’s important in regards to elections and that is voting. One of the most vital elements to Equestria’s government. Where all the citizens in it are allowed to vote and their vote should count too. Even idiots…” That part had his audience laughing for a moment, just as he added something else. “Even these guys.”

Two clips soon played afterwards. The first was of a mare who happened to face plant onto a frozen lake, while the second one was of a full grown stallion who accidentally got his tongue stuck to a pole outside his home. “See? And no matter how you look at that, despite their stupidity, their vote counts just as much as yours. It should count just as much as the royal sisters. That is what Equestria is about!”

Several ponies were laughing and nodding their heads, which was a sign that he was on the right track as he prepared himself to continue speaking. “With the election that we had for Princess behind us, ponies are now coming back to vote at the polls once more. And in recent months, many cities have been doing a lot in order to make voting simpler. For example several towns and cities, including Ponyville, allow for ponies to take part in their local elections by mail and you can register to vote through the same way.”

Of course, that did sound comforting. But it would only last for a short while. “Sadly though, many other cities are instead heading entirely in the opposite direction. Because depending on where you live and who you are, you might find it harder in order to take part in the elections this year. In a lot of cities now such as Dodge Junction, New Horseleans, Whinnesota, Mane, Pi-ami, and Delamare have not only downsized early voting, but they are among a growing list of cities that require ponies to have some form of identification at the polls. And when you hear these ponies talk about it, they just say that it’s supposed to be a common sense measure.”

“It’s just logical that we use a picture ID in order to protect the integrity of our voting process.”

“It’s an ID. I mean… come on, everypony has one. The ponies that live on the street and that need to go to the hospital, that vote, they buy… things at the store. They need ID.”

“Personally, I’m proud to say that we are one of the few cities that is enacting a common sense Voter ID law that is going to uphold the integrity of the ballot while not considerably impacting a reasonable amount of Delamarians.”

At that last part, Discord was taken aback and then raised an eyebrow. “Oh? It’s not going to not impact a reasonable amount? That’s just fine then. But also, by that logic, we can say that we’re going to have anypony with the word ‘Trend’ in their name be encased in ice,” A small ripple of laughs was heard from his audience, shortly before he finished his statement. “That would not impact a reasonable amount of ponies, but you would have a very pissed off Trenderhoof on your hooves,” Now there was a picture of an angry Trenderhoof frozen solid in ice as the room erupted in laughter. “As you can see, that law is rather important to him.”

The image of Trenderhoof was soon replaced with the title image of the piece as the draconequus got back to speaking. “The thing is, unlike what those ponies said about everypony having an ID, it turns out that everypony doesn’t actually have one. In Rockville for example, half of the townsfolk who are registered to vote don’t meet the criteria needed to cast their ballots this year. Manehattan and Fillydelphia have roughly two hundred thousand individuals who have neither a transportation license or a form of ID.”

After that small tidbit, that was when the spirit of chaos tried to bring some humor into the mix now as he looked at his audience. “And if you think about it… you probably know at least one pony or creature, whether they are friends or family, that might not have a piece of identification. Whether it be your grandma who had hers take away, your recluse brother-in-law who always rollerblades wherever he goes, or your second cousin who lost his after being intoxicated in public four times in a row…” That had the crowd laughing again as it showed a random unicorn stallion in the corner of the screen while trying to hold a glass of rum and prevent it from spilling. “Come on, Rocky. You can’t fool a breathalyzer spell by whispering the word ‘sober’ at the pony casting it.”

More laughs and applause from his crowd followed afterwards, just as Discord got to another important vote. “And even if you try to get an ID just to participate in the vote, the system just happens to throw more hurdles at you. Just listen to this pony and what she went through when she tried to get her voter ID in Fillydelphia.”

67 year old Cocoa Beige was turned down four times when her hometown implemented their voter ID laws. Each time that she was denied, they asked for a different document. Original birth certificate, original passport, original marriage certificate and even her husband’s death certificate when a clerk at a voting station demanded proof of her married name.

“You just feel like ‘why am I having to go through all of this’. I’m not Sombra’s wife.”

Upon hearing that mare’s response, Discord jumped backwards and looked back at the camera with an equally confused glance as he looked at his audience, who were also caught off guard by the response. “Wait… Sombra’s wife? That is a particularly weird way to frame it right there. Because part of me thinks that, if on the off chance that Sombra does somehow come back, his master plan to take over Equestria would not involve preventing grandmothers from voting in our elections. He’s prominently known for much bigger displays than just something as low key and subtle as that.”

The statement was followed by what looked like Sombra dressed in a collared shirt and sitting behind the desk at a voting registration office and rolling his eyes as Discord’s audience began to laugh in response. “Yet, despite stories like that, it doesn’t really seem to have that much of an effect on convincing lawmakers to try and change the rules. Watch how the representative of Mane County, Snowy Peaks, tried to justify the use of an ID by comparing it to the most eggheaded thing imaginable.”

“I find it bothersome that so many of the same creatures who today say that a photo ID, a picture on a card… is just too gosh darn much to maintain the integrity of our county elections and these same creatures almost a week ago… were able to have a similar card in order to check out books for their kids at the library!”

Immediately, Discord interjected and placed his hands on his desk. “Okay okay… First, that comparison that he was talking about with a library has nothing to do with what’s going on right now or anything in politics. Second, voting is a right. If you take away the right to vote, you end up trashing democracy. If you take away somepony’s library card, all that would just mean is that they can’t check out any books unless you find it or get a replacement.” As he said that, he also asked another question. “Also… Can you repeat that one segment at the beginning?”

“A picture on a card.”

“Yeah, that’s what an ID is,” Discord deadpanned. “Yet, your saying it to every creature in that assembly hall like a field trip tour guide that’s so boring, even the teacher is wishing for you to stop.” Another picture was seen, this time of the same pony that was talking in the previous clip shown as a tour guide for Ms. Cheerilee’s class… and even Ms. Cheerilee was not too impressed by how he was doing.

“In some parts of the country though, getting that ID needed to vote can be a extremely difficult task. Not because of the process to get one, but because they’re hardly ever open,” The spirit of chaos now began to explain to his audience. “Four years ago, a study was conducted by the Bastion Center for Justice and they found that over two-thirds of the offices that issue these voter ID’s in the cities that implement their voter ID laws aren’t even open five days a week. And in Mane County, the same place where you saw the business casual version of The Dude at the ponyville bowling alley,” That was followed by a side by side picture comparison of Snowy Peaks and the stallion that Discord was talking about as the crowd almost lost it because of how similar their appearances were. “Their office for issuing out ID’s is only open on the fifth monday of every month. And only five months in this year have five mondays!! And I highly doubt that people would be anticipating that fifth monday of the month. They would be just as happy about it as the day that they need to pay their taxes, which is of course NEVER.”

More laughs echoed throughout the studio as his audience responded back to his joke, before Discord added on something else. “And that same study by the Bastion Center for Justice has also concluded that voter ID laws and their restrictions tend to hit minorities the most. Including Griffons, Changelings, Dragons, Yaks, Hippogriffs, and other species too other from ponykind. Going as far to say that they’re close to two times more likely to lack voter ID. So Voter ID… is now sounding like one of those things that ponykind are just more likely to have, like a bad mane day or a pony awards nomination.”

That had his crowd react dramatically as he showed a series of mugshots for famous actors that have won awards for their work in the Applewood film industry. All of whom… were ponies. “Side note here… Applewood, if you are really looking for all kinds of talent, then you might want to widen your horizons a little and not come off as the Neighsay of the filmmaking industry. That’s just a suggestion… a rather important suggestion.”

As he stretched out his talon and claw, Discord shook his head a little bit in order to get himself back into focus as he looked back at his audience. “So, with everything that I had previously told you, all it makes me want to ask is ‘Why are we doing this?’. Well, if you listen to legislators and lawmakers who pass these laws, their claim is that these laws are important in order to prevent fraud and from ponies cheating the system of one vote per individual. Just watch the co-sponsor of Dodge Junction’s Voter ID law explain.”

“The very foundation that our country is built on… is based on the integrity of our ballot box, and if things are so laid back that deceitful voting can occur, that means your vote can be taken away from you and simply showing a form of identification is not too much to ask.”

Immediately, Discord began to object. “Are you really sure about that? Because I have a few problems with that argument. First, Equestria was not built on an election. It was built on the alliance between the three pony tribes and driving back the Wendigo’s during the first Heart's Warming. Second, many other things can qualify as not being too much to ask,” That was followed by a couple more images soon appearing on the left hand side of the screen. “Don’t eat fish on the Friendship Express is not too much to ask. Never start a joke for an acceptance speech labeled ‘That moment when…’ is not too much to ask. Requiring ID from those who don’t have one could be asking a lot.”

For a brief second, the draconequus had to take a small breath, before he could pick up on another key point in that statement they all heard. “As for the claim of fraudulent voting, why don’t we actually dive a little deeper on that and take a look? Because even though there had been previous crimes with elections from vote tampering, voter suppression, and having ponies buying off votes like it’s a political swap meet, requiring an ID doesn’t tackle any of those crimes. The only thing that can be prevented is the crime of voter impersonation. Which is some creature showing up at the polls and pretending to be someone they’re not. Which, in itself is a very pathetic crime,” After saying that, the spirit of chaos had a explanation to tie all of this together. “Because you have to stand in line, potentially for a few hours, at a polling place, risk receiving a five year prison sentence and a fine of 10,000 bits, all to cast one extra, but not entirely important vote.”

And then comes the best comparison for how stupid it is. “In terms of pointless crimes, it would be right up there with trying to forge a coupon to Quills & Sofas. It’s a lot of trouble, but with little reward.” That made his audience laugh very abruptly, especially with the image of Spike trying to create a fake coupon to accompany the joke as Discord looked back at his audience. “And also… if somepony does try to attempt it, you can’t exactly try to hide what you are doing. Voter impersonation is one of the most dumbest things because it's one of those things that hides in plain sight. Like for example, Trixie's addiction to peanut butter.”

When Discord said that, an image of Trixie yelling at the self checkout stand at the groceries had the whole crowd laughing as Discord waited for his audience to quiet down before he could continue speaking. “And yet, despite all of everything that we’ve covered so far, many lawmakers still insist that this is an ongoing problem. In fact, listen to this news clip in Baltimare that sounds less like a real threat to democracy and more like a cliche movie plotline that was written in a creative writing class.”

“Well, let’s be clear here. One of the reasons why I’m pushing for Voter ID in my city is that I don’t want dead ponies voting in our elections.”

And authorities say that there’s evidence that this is a real problem. According to a study conducted by Baltimare’s department of mobile transports in January, they found that over 800 ballots were cast by voters that were labeled as dead or deceased.

“Now to be fair, that is true. And when that report came out from the DMT, it caused so much of a stir that the delegate for Baltimare even said to one of the princesses that ‘We must make sure for a fact that there are no zombies voting in Baltimare’. Which, to me, sounds stupid… Because if you were brought back as a zombie, you would be less focused on wanting to vote and more focused on that one rainbow maned pegasus and all the COOOOOKIES she’s holding onto,” A new image of the cookie zombie prank that was pulled on Rainbow Dash a year ago was seen next as more of the crowd began to laugh at the newfound joke. “Here’s the thing though. When lawmakers took a closer look at the figures of that study though, they found that there was no real basis for them. In fact out of all the two hundred prior ballots that were labeled as suspicious, they found out that ninety three of them were because a child had the same name as a deceased parent, fifty eight of them were because the security information of a voter was accidentally matched with a dead creature, fifty four of them were because of errors with the equipment that were being used to read the ballots, one pony casted an absentee ballot and died while it was still in the mail and all the others were a random bunch of clerical errors.”

Many ponies gasped in shock at hearing some of the latter reasons on that list as Discord continued. “All together, they found that only five ballots could not be counted for and this is an election… where over one millions creatures voted. This is honestly the biggest overreaction to a manageable problem since Derpy hooves reacted to finding out the bakery was out of muffins like this.”

“Holy sh*yay*t!! Forget Twilight Sparkle being a magical minigun or Spike being used as a flamethrower, if the world were in a crisis and we needed to fight for our lives, I would automatically call dibs on the Derpy Hooves laser cannon!” Discord said, while showing an image of him in full on tactical gear while holding Derpy Hooves over his shoulder. Before brushing some dust off his jacket and bringing the topic back around.

“To summarize, Voter Impersonation Fraud is a crime that’s extremely rare. In fact, one researcher from the Royal Archives in Canterlot found that over the last fifteen years, there were around only twenty four incidents of voter impersonation fraud out of a billion votes that were cast in that time period,” The Spirit of Chaos summarized as he looked back at his audience, before making a perfectly good comparison. “Voter fraud is a problem the same way that knife wielding crabs are a problem,” His crowd began to react and laugh at the sight of a crab wielding a knife as it was trying to get away from a cameraman as Discord began to break down why he chose that comparison. “I’m not saying that it doesn’t exist and there are cases where it has happened… but let’s not freak out over one stabby crab.”

His crowd began to laugh a little bit more as he looked back at his audience. “But these laws… do tend to make a little bit more sense when you hear one of those lawmakers accidentally give the game away. Just listen to this guy in Ponyville explain the reasons why when he’s talking about during our election for Next Princess back in season 1.”

“Do you think that Voter ID might’ve have affected the turnout in this election for Next Princess?”

“Um… Yes, I do think so. I mean, before we put the law in place, Celestia was leading the polls behind our candidate by ten percent, but afterwards, she won by only five percent. So, I say that’s a pretty reasonable margin. I think it helped a bit in that.”

“Oh no!!” Discord gasped as he put his claw and paw over his mouth. Like he was gasping out of pure shock. “This guy’s saying the one thing that pretty much every creature knows, but no one’s really wanting to say it. Like writing “P.S. Send Nudes” on your first letter to a pen-pal. Or calling a band’s reunion tour ‘We ran out of bits’.”

Around now, Discord took a moment in order to catch his breath as he looked back at his audience, before wrapping his head around what to say next. “Now… It turns out that there are examples of actual voter impersonation fraud that I saw personally. Because for this assignment, I actually took the chance to go undercover at several legislator’s offices across the cities where these laws are put in place. And what I found there was uphauling…”

The next clip that was shown was of ponies that were in the legislators office in Dodge Junction, including the same pony that was a proponent for Voter ID seen earlier in the episode. But instead of sticking to just their desks, many ponies were getting up to press the buttons on the desks of other legislators as the process continued for another thirty seconds. Then, as the clip ended, Discord was finally able to say what he couldn’t say while undercover.

“Holy S*yay*t! These guys are literally competing to press other ponies voting buttons!! And this… actually goes along with a trend that reporters have been trying to cover over the last few months and it's called ghost voting. And sometimes, there are cases of actual ghost votes. There was one example in Califoalnia where somepony who died in a hospital earlier that morning and was recorded placing votes three times later that day! Which, seems ridiculous. Because, like with zombies, ghosts wouldn’t be wanting to waste its time voting on bills… they would probably be busy terrifying a family in their new house or getting themselves sucked into a vacuum by a plumber wearing a green hat walking around in a haunted mansion!”

Much of his crowd began to agree and laugh even harder as Discord began to make another statement. “But it’s not just that pony who got caught doing this on my grand tour through these buildings. Remember Snowy Peaks? I mean, he couldn’t have done something as preposterous as that, right?” The next clip showed that same pony doing the exact same thing, which shocked a lot of ponies. But even worse when they heard that any footage of the act would be seen more as an attempt of character assassination. “Uh no no no… You’re not right there. That’s not an attempt of character assassination, that’s unedited footage from my eyeballs of something you actually did. And there is one thing that was pointed out when one news crew was able to go inside the legislators room in Pi-ami to watch how that process went and… let’s just say that they got the whole thing down to a fine art.”

“Some lawmakers are so shameless with the whole routine that they use sticks to extend how far they can reach each others voting booths.”

“Okay stop. If you are really going to go this far in order to pervert democracy… do you really need to use such a creepy stick? That looks less like a casual walking stick and more like a stick that would be used by a cult leader to steal other ponies cutie marks.” That had a few gasps from the crowd, before Discord let out a small statement. “Or so I heard… So let’s recap. Voter fraud is a crime that’s as scarce as pretty much anything else, minorites are affected the most and it seems like the same ponies that are advocating for these Voter ID rules to prevent fraud are the ones committing fraud. And yet, when I had the chance to ask one of them undercover about if any footage like this got out, they say that they did nothing wrong and they’re only acting out of necessity.”

“We have a lot of bills to vote on. We have a lot of rights. There are times that we don’t break for lunch or dinner. We don’t take bathroom breaks and we don’t do any of that because we need to get these things done.”

“Okay, well if that’s the case, have you considered getting longer voting sticks?” That was followed by a picture of a voting stick extending out of the stall of a bathroom while a pony was inside as Discord’s audience began to laugh. “I heard they tend to help… You know what, buck it. After hearing all of this, I would like to propose something to any politician who has ever backed up and supported a completely unnecessary voter ID law. They should be forced to obtain a new ID every time they want to pass a bill. Just to make sure that they are who they say they are.”

And that had everypony looking at one other for a moment as Discord began to summarize his find argument. “And around now, they might be thinking ‘Come on, Discord, that’s just crazy. Something like this would hinder the chances of us being able to fully participate in our democracy and there’s no real reason to make us do that’. To which, I would say… welcome to the fucking club.” That had his whole entire audience cheering as he looked back at his camera to say one last thing. “And now… this.”

And now… Trixie Lulamoon and the list of her most embarrassing secrets that she hides from almost everypony.

She considers reading Starlight Glimmer’s diary as ‘entertainment’. Especially when it comes to reading her entries on Sunburst

Despite previous ‘incidents’ with that of the Ursa Minor and Major, Trixie still keeps a Ursa Major beanbag chair and a Ursa Minor teddy bear to snuggle at night.

Her late night clothes consist of a pair of slippers based on her wagon, a teacup themed robe and a pair of pajamas that have Starlight Glimmer’s cutie mark all over it.

Her addiction to peanut butter has gotten Trixie thinking that all other foods, from chocolate peanut butter cups to cereal is its own separate food group. She even goes out of her way in order to hide from the world… in Princess Twilight’s pantry.

The following morning

“Hey Twilight, have you seen Trixie anywhere?” Starlight Glimmer asked as she trotted through the main hall of the castle of friendship and looked back at her former teacher and princess of friendship.

“Wouldn’t she be in her wagon? I thought she was with you.” Twilight replied back to her as she made her way towards the kitchen. But before she could open up the door, that was when both of them heard something that they… rather not have wanted to hear.

“Ooh yes. You’re so delicious, I could just eat you up right here… So thick… So creamy… So-”

Immediately, Twilight opened the door. Only to find none other that Trixie holding onto a spoonful of peanut butter with her magic as three open jars of peanut butter were on the ground. “Trixie… What the hay are you doing?”

“Uh… T-trixie can explain… B-but to be clear, it’s not what it looks like.”

Episode 25: Student Debt

Author's Note

So for this one, I decided to take a bit of an extended approach for it. This piece was inspired by both the original Student Debt episode from Last Week Tonight, but also an episode from Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj on student loans. Plus, in an interesting twist, Discord shows that he can be rather nice... when he wants to be.

I heard that

Sure you did.

Anyways, hope you enjoy this piece. Something quick that I decided to come up with while still having to work on chapters for a few of my other projects and manage full time work.
-Frost

Episode 25: Student Debt

It might have only been a few days since his last episode, but for Discord, it felt like months. There was a lot of news to take in, especially with the questionable story that he heard about regarding the possible ‘retirement’ of Princess Celestia and Luna. A move that he didn’t necessarily agree with for a lot of reasons. Mostly because the ponies that they want to have take over, the Elements of Harmony, have barely any experience running a country. Heck, they barely even had any experience being able to run a school as teachers. Not to mention the fact that most of them had jobs to work at, families to support and for some, shouldn’t even be corrupted by the subject of politics given that Fluttershy’s overall adorableness could cause several ponies to have heart attacks.

But tonight, there was a different subject that he thought would be more appropriate to discuss. Especially with the graduation of the students at Twilight’s school about a month ago and other schools starting their next semester right around the corner. And when taking a closer look at not just how many ponies were affected by it, but how awful such a thing was, Discord thought that it was something important that had to be addressed.

So, as he prepared to walk out to his desk and the intro music began to play in his studio, that was when he greeted everypony in his audience. “Welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight,” He proclaimed as the creatures in the audience cheered for him. “I’m Discord. Thank you so much for being here tonight. It’s only been a week, but it feels like years since we last had an episode. Tonight though, I want to get straight into our main story. Because a month after the students at Twilight’s school graduated, all other colleges and universities across the country will be starting classes for their next semester. Where thousands of students would be going to try and obtain whatever they’re majoring in. One thing though has become increasingly clear though. That by the time they graduate, they’ll be leaving with more than just a tacky colored polyester robe and hat that they would only be wearing once in their life or stories of things that happened in college that you would regret much later in life,” A picture of a few ponies partying on the balcony of their dorm was shown as one of them spilled their drink on somepony that was outside. “They’ll be leaving with this.”

“Last year, around seven out of ten students left colleges in debt. Making the overall total bill for students in Equestria around one trillion bits.”

Many creatures in the audience were caught off guard by those facts. Some even gasped in response when seeing how much student debt their was. “That’s right. This is a problem that’s crippling millions of individuals that are fresh out of college. Imagine it like you’re a wonderbolt beginning to start a race, and then the pony that's firing the starting cannon uses it to shoot you out of the sky.” That had a few creatures in the crowd laugh as he looked back at them and began to speak his next point. “Student Debt in Equestria has grown rampantly to the point that its bigger than transport loans for vehicles and medical debts, and it’s second behind mortgages on homes. And you know what’s the biggest sign that this is a big problem? Well, the first is… its debt. Any debt can be seen as a big problem. And secondly, when there’s a game show dedicated to help contestants pay off their loans.”

This was followed by several small snippets of a game show hosted in Applewood called ‘Paid-in-full’, where the contestant on the show is asked several questions and the more that they answer correctly, the more of their debt will be paid off. “That’s right. Some guys turned a national crisis into a game show. And that’s not the only thing. Their tagline for when an episode ends is ‘I know its not everything, but I hope it provides a bit of relief’,” That had several audience caught off guard as Discord began to speak. “Let me put it to you straight, that’s not a sign of confidence from a game show host with no social life. That’s what a doctor would tell somepony after undergoing facial reconstruction surgery!”

A picture was seen of a pony in a full body cast and bandages over his face as he lied in the hospital bed next to Rainbow Dash as his crowd laughed in response. “And just to get a clear view of how badly it is, before we started this show, a survey was handed out to our audience members and from it, we found out that in this room alone, there is over five million bits of debt. Not to mention that we asked a few other questions and from it, we kind of got to know a lot about our audience members,” With that, Discord began to list off a series of actual survey results from what he handed out before the show and present them to his audience. “For one thing, two-thirds of you in this room is single, fifteen percent of everypony here has been to a Countess Coloratura concert, and then there’s the most shocking part. Almost everyone in this room… think that nobles are a bunch of idiots.”

That had the whole room bursting in laughter as Discord just looked at everypony in bewilderment as he shrugged his shoulders. “Hey, I didn’t realize that I was the only one that thought that way until now. Just saying,” With that, Discord changed his tune as he continued to speak and get back on topic. “However though, unlike Nobles, student debt is not something that we can just get rid of and not give a shit about them. Because legally, its a specific kind of debt as this royal economist explains.”

“It’s the most collectible kind of debt that there is. It’s non-dischargeable when it comes to bankruptcy. It will leech your wages, steal from your tax refunds… if its not paid off, the collector will sue you in court…”

“Oh, they’re going to do more than just that,” The spirit of chaos picked up right where the end of the clip went off and started speaking. “They’ll puncture your saddlebags with knives and pick up the coins that fall on the ground, they’ll pawn off all your clothes from when you are a filly and they’ll use the breezie transformation spell on themselves so they can sneak into your saddlebags and pickpocket any loose change you have that way.” The image of a breezie in a business suit stealing a gold bit while in a saddlebag pocket raised some laughs from his audience.

Though, it was around this time that Discord cleared his throat in order to get back to the topic. “Student debt is now three times the amount that it was only a decade or so ago and it has surpassed Songbird Serenade’s first album as the one thing that every college student somehow has,” More laughter from his audience erupted as the cover of Songbird’s first album was temporarily shown. “And I believe the one question at this point that everypony in this room has right now is ‘how did this happen’? Because this all started with rather good intentions. Originally, the royal student loan program was supposed to support learning, and I’m quoting directly from one of its early founders here… ‘learning is an escape from poverty’.”

Of course, that didn’t stop Discord from making a quick jab at it either. “Of course, Escape from Poverty sounds more like the title of the worst ever action movie that you would never want to see,” A movie poster of Soarin in full on Wonderbolt gear with the words ‘Escape from Poverty’ cause his crowd to chuckle in amusement. “So with that in mind, let's talk about Student Debts and tonight, there are a few simple questions that I want to answer. One, what factors are contributing to this avalanche of debt? Two, what happens to you if you end up getting caught up in this mess. And three, what can we do about it?”

With that, Discord had the next image change to where it showed his first question. “And let's begin with the factors. One rather big one is that over the last few years, some cities have cut funding for higher education by around twenty-four percent. In response to that, schools and colleges have been forced to raise the price of tuition, which means that students would have to take out ever bigger loans,” All that was added with another tidbit as he showed a picture of what looked to be Big Mac, Fluttershy, Rarity, Toe-Tapper and Torch Song. “Why else do you think that those schools have so many acapella groups!? They aren’t trying to be the next Pony-tones. They know that they sound stupid, they just don’t have the proper funding to buy actual instruments anymore!!”

An uproar of laughs soon followed that as several other ‘groups’ were put next to the original image of the Pony-Tones. All before being changed back to the title page. “Another consequence to this is that because of cuts, community colleges are forced to decreased class sizes and in some places, its gets even more bizarre. Like a medical school in New Horseleans that has a waiting list… just to get on the waiting list. That’s insane! It’s the equivalent of standing in the long line for a Daring Do convention, just to get into the line that allows you to actually get in!!”

That was followed by a picture of the manehattan convention center that was taken from a crowd, showing a long line of ponies that were trying to get into the building before changing back. “All of this shows that every creature here wants to go to school. Not because they’re forced too, but because they want to better themselves and I am all for that. However, this is also where we bump into one of the big drivers when it comes to student debt. For-profit schools,” Several logos of schools like ‘Ashfur University’ and ‘ETT Technical Institute’ were shown as he continued speaking. “You might remember back when we had the ‘And Now’ segment listing some of the things that we wanted to include in our episode on Trade but didn’t have the time for. Two of them were in regards to the ‘Skim and Scam’ bros scheme that was Friendship University. For-Profit schools are like that… but somehow… they’re bucking legal. In fact, most of them are publicly traded on Rich Street and have recently been airing advertisements like these.”

“One evening, I had some family friends over and one of them told me about ETT Tech. I decided to send them a letter to request more information and it paid off tremendously. I got into the field of aerodynamics and aerospace, been at that for around ten years or so now. Been married for longer and have two young kids. There’s nothing I would change… Everything’s perfect.”

“Well, geez, isn’t that nice,” The draconequus said in a kind of semi-sarcastic tone of voice. “Although, if I may interrupt this for a moment, hearing the phrase ‘everything’s perfect’ would immediately make me a bit suspicious. Why? Well, anytime I hear that, I remember when Janice in Accounting used to say that and secretly put hard cider in her coffee cup. Going as far as to say ‘you can do this, Janice’ to herself in the bathroom mirror to herself five times a day.” That was accompanied by the image of Janice holding Twilight’s coffee cup in what looked like the mares room of Twilight's Castle. Just before the image disappeared and Discord got back on topic.

“According to an article in the Manehattan Times, for-profit schools make up around thirty percent of the amount in student debt, but only make up twelve percent of the students,” He told his audience. “That’s way too far out of proportion, and part of that might be because they are not cheap. In fact, the same article that I mention says that they are six times more expensive than community colleges and twice that of a four year university. And if you are wondering just how the hell does it cost that much, it has nothing to do with the quality of education at all. In fact, you would be appalled by the reason why.”

“If you take a look at for-profit schools, a quarter of the revenue that they earn is from sales and marketing. In a lot of cases, the faculty at those schools are in the ten to twenty percent range.”

A lot of his audience members were indeed appalled by those details. Especially when Discord began to continue talking once again. “You heard that right… They spend half of the amount of bits that they have on professors and teachers than they do on marketing. Even Twilight’s School of Friendship would consider that as an outrageous education plan and there aren’t even any actual teachers working there. It’s basically saying ‘Hey teachers! We’re not saying that we don’t care about you. We’re saying that we care about advertisements of you twice as much’.”

More of his audience laughed again as Discord held out two of his talons to match the numbers that he was saying as he continued. “And if you listen to it from a business perspective, it would make some kind of sense. But that guy uses the worst kind of comparison. Comparing the cost of the materials in a perfume bottle compared to retail. But, if you look at it, both perfumes and for-profit colleges market themselves rather aggressively. For one thing, perfumes market themselves by spraying it into ponies faces whenever they walk into a department store or Sire’s hollow for that matter,” That was followed by a picture of when the pony that greeted Sunburst and Starlight Glimmer sprayed them with a bottle of perfume upon first stepping hoof into the place. “And when it comes to for-profit schools, it’s actually even more hideous. Just watch this former recruiter for DePony University explain the kind of practices that they do to attract future students.”

“Ms. OverCast was once a recruiter at the for-profit school called DePony University four years ago. She quit her job because she couldn’t stand having to ‘prey’ on low income ponies and using something called ‘pain points’.”

“Pain points would be something like… they work at Hayburger King. They don’t want to be like their parents, so we turn that on them. We would ask them ‘do you want to work at Hayburger King for the rest of your life or do you want to do something else with it’?”

A few more gasps from his audience echoed around the studio as Discord began to speak again. “That’s right. Recruiters are seriously told to hit pain points. There are only two kinds of occupations that should ever do that. Dominatrix’s…” A brief glimpse of Princess Luna in a dark leather dress and holding a riding crop in her magical grip. It was only shown for five seconds before it changed to a group of ponies that had their manes died white and looked like their main default emotion was depressed. “… And emo bands. That’s it! And this isn’t just a single instance. This technique is apparently used industry wide. There are even presentations that have slides labeled as ‘how to find their pain points’ and the graphic that they use is from Marathon Mare. Where one actor had the role of playing an infamous torturer that worked for King Sombra!”

More appalled gasps from his audience came a few seconds later, before Discord threw in another jab. “It may not exactly be your best way to conduct business if your philosophy for recruits is like… ‘You know, this really worked out well for King Sombra. Let’s at least give it a test run’.”

The appalled gasps from earlier quickly changed into boasts of laughter as the spirit of chaos cleared his throat. “Now, the whole problem with Student Debt isn’t solely focused on these schools and if I were to go in depth on how bad the for-profit school is, we would be here all night. So instead, let's shift gears a bit to try and answer our second question. What happens if you end up getting caught up in this mess? Well, to put it lightly, the scary part about this is that you can’t even make a single mistake on making payments. Or else, you might face some of the most aggressive debt collection practices. Don’t take it from me though. Listen to what happens when some of them get caught up in the news.”

“The city of Pi-ami suspending the licenses of nearly a thousand health care workers just because they fell behind on their student loans…”

“What’s the worst that could happen to you if you don’t pay your royal student loan? How about being arrested by the Royal Guard?”

“I’m standing in the middle of day court with no rights read to me, no legal representation, and I was told that I owe fifteen hundred bits. I just couldn’t believe it.”

That was followed by a pause for a moment, before Discord looked back at the camera. “That is scary… but in all honesty, if you were arrested by a royal guard and told that you owe them fifteen thousand bits, you wouldn’t think that they were being serious and instead, you would think that they were a stripper,” More laughter echoed throughout the room as the draconequus cleared his throat. “Or it could be both. We have said before that the guard do tend to try on some rather questionable clothes in the past. The point of that is, if somepony owes debt, don’t send the royal guard to go get it.”

One of the pictures that was from the ‘royal guard’ episode resurfaced briefly as the rest of his audience began to chime in. “One of the reasons why Student Debt is rather a pain in order to pay off may be because of how they are managed. It used to be that the royal monarchy would partner with banks so they provide loans to students that had low interest. That way, if the student defaulted because they couldn’t make any payments, the government would be the ones responsible for it. Like a mail courier that delivers packages directly to the intended recipient. Yet, as with many things, all that changed when the nobles decided to buck it up.”

Most of the creatures in his audience looked at one another in bewilderment, wondering what exactly did he mean. “Several years ago, much to the surprise of Princess Celestia, the nobles passed a legislation that allowed for ponies to not have to rely on the government and instead get these kinds of loans directly. And in doing so, it made the Equestrian Education Association the largest bank in Equestria,” Some statistics were then shown on the next graphic. Where the amount of bits that were loaned from the EEA were two times that of some other well known banks like ‘Bank of Equestria’ or ‘Royal Federal Bank’. “That’s insane. That’s the equivalent of finding out that Sweet Apple Acres is Equestria’s largest distillery. It just doesn’t make sense!”

Another round of laughter from his audience as an image of Sweet Apple Acres looking more like a bar was then seen on screen before changing over. “Now, as you can tell, just from the disgruntled emotions of Chancellor Neighsay alone, the EEA was not cut out to be a massive bank. So instead, they took a play from the first page of ‘Noble Douche Playbook Volume 1’,” The fake cover of said book was seen on screen for a brief seconds as Discord continued to speak. “And decided to outsource it to management companies called loan servicers. Loan servicers are companies that provide services to its customers, help them pay their loans on time and help them through the process, which is good right?” A few members in the audience nodded their heads in response to his question, shortly before the chaos spirit continued. “However, that’s what they say that they do. In reality, it’s much different. Watch this investigation piece into how loan servicing works in Califoalnia and you’ll see what I mean.”

“Poor loan servicing is at the core of the problem that so many young students have found themselves falling in default.”

“Our investigation team ran the numbers and found that there were more than over five hundred complaints to the Royal Consumer Protection Board about loan servicers. One of the borrowers from fillydelphia goes as far to describe the process as ‘if Lord Tirek was draining your bits away’.”

“Okay, calm down there…” He said as his audience was caught off guard for that last bit. “That’s a bit drastic to describe it. Besides, Tirek wouldn’t even need the bits. He doesn’t get parole in Tartarus. And unlike loan servicers, he claimed responsibility for his actions,” Several more laughs began to echo around the chamber as he looked back at his audience. “In order to look at and understand loan servicers, you need to take a look at some of the worst things that some of them have been accused for. Because the rap sheet is horrific.”

Discord now began to count off some of the things that some loan servicers have been accused for and caught for one by one. “Fucking over members of the royal guard? The loan servicer named PaveWay settled a lawsuit three months ago for overcharging active duty service members. Damaging the disabled? Another company named Hay-vient has been accused of misreporting information on thousands of disabled borrowers and damaging their credit in the process. And in some cases, they even went as far as to charge them twice. And if you are someone who likes their job in charging disabled ponies twice… you are not only going to Tartarus, but you’re going to get a special cell right next door to Tirek and Cozy Glow.”

That was followed by the graphic of an empty cell that was right next to the centaur and the insane filly as his crowd laughed. “But it’s not just that. Just watch one pony tell them of the customer service that they received when they were having trouble making a payment.”

“Almost jokingly, I told the receptionist that ‘I can either have you lower my payments so I can be able to make rent and then pay you… or I can pay you fully and then spend my days living in a wagon’. And I swear to Celestia, the receptionist tells me ‘I don’t want to tell you that you need to live in your wagon, but I think you’re going to have to live in your wagon.”

“Are you kidding me!? Living out of a wagon only works for Trixie and that’s it! Nopony else would enjoy having to live in a wagon for the rest of their life,” Many creatures laughed at that before he cleared his throat and got back to what he was saying. “But loan servicers are one part of the problem here. The root of it is with the Equestrian Education Administration, because not only are they being so negligent about this problem, every step they do take is practically criminal. Take for example their public service loan forgiveness program. It was put into law eight years ago around a week or two after Luna’s return and the original blueprint of it was rather straightforward and planned to encourage ponies to go into public service. Seems good right? Well, here’s the thing, nearly thirty thousand ponies submitted applications last year after meeting the requirements for it. Yet, only eighty-two of them actually got approved. Less than zero-point-zero-three percent. Pinkie Pie has more Apple Family heritage then that!”

More of the crowd laughed as an image of Applejack and Pinkie Pie going down a waterfall attraction was seen briefly. “For years, these ponies were promised by their country that if they followed their guidelines, their debt could be forgiven. However, as you can see so far, our government has been dropping the ball. Not to mention that the pony who the noble bastards put in charge is not helping out either. And this is where we introduce to you Profit Margin. The pony that Neighsay put in charge of handling this crisis. But her background would immediately disqualify her. Because her resume consists of being the collector for several large banks and the former head of one on the loan servicers we mentioned already. Hiring a former head of a loan servicer to help creatures solve their student loans is the equivalent of trying to find a babysitter and then hiring a timberwolf.”

That got the whole room laughing as a picture of an adult alpha timberwolf was seen peeking over the shoulder of a young filly. Which made Discord roleplay a bit as he tried to beg the wolf to ‘please don’t eat my filly’. “To give you a taste of how poisonous her actions are, in the short time that she’s been in office, she’s slashed protections for ponies that are borrowing for the student loans and she’s blocking cities from investigating loan servicers. She’s supposed to be a lifeguard to watch over and help students, not ignore them as they are showing signs of drowning. And it’s not just me giving her a one star performance review.”

“A new scathing report from the royal parliament blasts the Equestrian Education Administration for its student loan department failing to watch over the companies that are managing those loans.”

“The department has not been catching up with the amount of attention that it needs to pay to a topic that some would see as ‘not catchy’.”

“Not catchy? That guy just won the ‘Biggest Understatement of the Year’ award right there,” Discord conjured a fake award to match what he was saying as his audience laughed and cheered. “Try squeezing comedy out of the mostly depressing topics that we have covered so far in this series. Is that not catchy enough for you?” More laughter followed suite as an image of comedy being squeezed out was shown as if it was literally being squeezed out of an orange. “Not only did this prove that loan servicers like Hay-vient and PayWay were screwing over their customers, but this also proved that the EEA knew that it was doing so, but did not do anything about it. Not to mention the fact that Profit Margin’s ties with the Royal Consumer Protection Board convinced them to not even consider going after them. Which is beyond criminal. You’re in charge of an agency that’s supposed to protect individuals financially… but instead, you’re protecting the companies that are hurting them. It’s even lead to some senior staff members quitting in protest. And how does Profit Margin take all this?”

“To be honest, I just saw those letters in ‘Equestria Today’ and to be honest, I think they only did it just to get their names in the paper.”

“Honest question here… Who really thinks that they want to try to have themselves be in ‘Equestria Today’ as a sign of protest? They’re the foals menu of newspapers,” Discord’s comments sparked up even more laughter from his crowd. “As you can tell from everything seen so far, the deck is being stacked against students. And this brings us to our third question, what can we do about it? Because sadly enough, many equestrians don’t even have the proper knowledge of how to navigate this infinite maze of a system. It used to be where this system was supposed to help ponies that wanted to learn, but now, it's become a massive minefield. And each day, it's getting harder for ponies in order to make it out.”

That had Discord look back at his audience and let out a breath. “So… with that in mind, I figured that instead of just telling you ponies the problems that I do something to help contribute to fixing it. Remember when I handed you those surveys?” Every creature in the audience nodded. “Well, through a bit of magic and some workarounds with the system, I was able to acquire the legal rights for your student debt. But instead of having it to where you guys are going to have to pay me, I’m working with a non profit organization that is legally allowed to forgive student debt with no consequences to the debtor-”

The whole room began to roar in shock and surprise, even though Discord himself was not exactly finished just yet. “-and if you ask ‘why exactly can’t you do it with everypony’s debt’, I would say… I know its not everything, but I hope it provides a bit of relief.”

The following day

It was a calm and quiet morning as the pony named Neighsay was getting himself ready for the day. He had a lot of important meetings to attend and important decisions to make as part of the EEA. But as he was in the middle of breakfast, he happened to get a rather rude awakening.

First, there was the fact that there was angry mob that was just outside his door. And second… “NEIGHSAY!! I WANT YOU IN MY CHAMBERS RIGHT NOW!!!”

At that point, everything else in his mind vanished and he only had one question to himself… What could he have done to provoke the wrath of a princess?

Episode 26: Tartarus

Author's Note

This was something that I wanted to cover for a while, and with the events from the beginning of season 9, I thought it would fit somewhat. Also, added a special cameo at the end. Hope you guys like it.
-Frost

Episode 26: Tartarus

After finishing his episode in regards to student loans, Discord himself wanted to make sure and prepare his next piece as soon as he could possibly can. But somehow, life just happened to throw a wrench into his production. That wrench being the overly huge shitshow that resulted from both of the princesses making their retirement announcement official. If he were to summarize what happened, it consisted mostly of the tree of harmony blowing up, him faking his own death (to no avail) and the mane six going as far as to use gardening tools in order to push back whatever encroaching forces tried to overrun Ponyville. That and after further investigating, he learned that an old grumpy grandpa billy goat had basically brought all the major bad guys back to form the equestrian equivalent of the League of Villains, including Cozy Glow and Tirek of all things.

But with the return of these villains, the draconequus came to a bit of a realization on something. Former villains, like he and Starlight, were reformed and allowed to be able to live out normal lives. Yet, when it came to that of Cozy Glow, she did not get off with a slap on the hoof at all for when she took over the friendship school and was instead sent to the prison that was seen as the Equestrian version of hell. And that left him with one question that had been burning through his brain all week.

How the hell is something like that possible? And more importantly… Why?

Even when talking this over with Starlight Glimmer; the former destroyer of time, apprentice of Twilight Sparkle and now the School of Friendship’s guidance counselor, was beyond confused by this as well. And she wanted to find out why this was the case just as much as Discord, which was exactly what was going to be taken care of tonight.

So, donning a new suit and having the introduction music begin, he now had the chance to say hello to his audience again, go through his opening remarks and then begin to start off his piece. “Our main story tonight concerns something that a lot of ponies just seem to can’t get enough of. Criminal Justice. Whether it's watching the daily perils of Princess Celestia in day court and trying to tell somepony that they can’t extinguish the sun, hearing complaints about stupid shit that nobles did recently or you watch the classic movie that is ‘Red Robin standing shirtless in the rain, the movie’,” That comment was followed by an altered version of the poster for the movie called ‘The Shawflank redemption’ as his audience laughed. “Tonight though, I wanted to focus on the criminal justice system. More specifically, how Equestria handles its most major threats. Because even though you might be thinking ‘Well isn’t that a trick question? Just lock them up in Tartarus’, that’s not entirely considered to be the ‘go-to option’. For example, when it came to both Starlight Glimmer and also myself, we were both respectively reformed and have changed our ways for the better and when it comes to local offenders that were caught for crimes, they have their own respected judicial process for those instance. Yet, on the other hoof… you have stories like this.”

A scene now cut in, recalling the events of the infamous ‘School Raze’ incident that took place at the School of Friendship two months ago, with the end result of that leading to Cozy Glow, a filly that was a student there at the time, getting locked in Tartarus. “That’s right… a filly got sent to Tartarus for all of that shit. And don’t get me wrong here… this piece is not in any way trying to convince you that what she did wasn’t so bad because it was straight up batshit crazy. The point in bringing this up is because there seems to be a huge difference between who ends up ‘getting reformed’ and not paying any real consequences for their actions and who ends up getting banished to Equestrian Hell. So tonight, let's talk about why that is the case.”

The left hand corner of the screen now changed to the title image of the subject, shortly before the draconequus began to explain more to his audience. “And let’s start with one single question that seems to have no known answer to it. How the buck does Tartarus itself function? And in order to do that, we need to look at an organization that has been responsible for locking up most of the monsters that are in there. They’ve mostly been secret, but after recent events, they’re now being more transparent about how they operate.”

That was followed by Discord taking a second to clear his throat as the title card changed. “The group that I’m talking about here is SMILE. Which, yes, upon first hearing that name you might think that to be the name of a song that Pinkie Pie would sing throughout Ponyville…” Another image of Pinkie Pie bouncing around and singing was seen. “Or the one word that you hear the dentist tell you just as she’s about to go in and do your annual cleaning,” Which was followed by another image of Rainbow Dash being very resistant to do so as she sat in the dentist chair at Colgate’s office. “But in reality, it's actually rather different than you might actually think.”

“One of the top royal intelligence agencies in all of Equestria is known only by the name SMILE. Which stands for Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria. Their job? To be able to prevent any monsters from just roaming around Equestria, capture them and put them into Tartarus before they could be able to attack any civilians.”

“Okay, so that seems cool and all… but my only complaint is did you really have to make the acronym for your organization sound so obvious?” Discord now asked as he got a small chuckle from his audience. “Because in all honesty, if someone told me that this was a secret organization from just saying their name fully, I would be like ‘yeah, no shit’.”

The chuckle turned into more of a laugh as he looked at his audience. “But aside from their bad choice in names, we still don’t know much about how SMILE works. All we do know is that their agents commence investigations into monster sightings, capture them and then send them to Tartarus. But that in itself doesn’t even provide any context as to how that’s done at all. It’s like you told somepony who’s coming to Equestria for the first time that Celestia raises the sun, but doesn’t give context as to how or why. It would give off very wrong first impressions.”

The image of Princess Celestia looming over a set of newcomers into Equestria with the blazing sun behind her was now on screen as more of his audience laughed. “So, setting all of that aside, if you take everything I said so far regarding their job, you might think that they are very skilled at it. But remember, they are dealing with very dangerous creatures here. There are reports of what happens when something goes wrong and when a monster that is locked up breaks out and it’s had several of their branches shut down. One such case was when this happened in Ponyville a couple of years back.”

It was then that a brief fifteen second clip played of the mane six fighting the bugbear monster in Ponyville while everypony else, including the donkey named Matilda was flipping out and panicking. “The reason why I bring this up was because one of the branches of SMILE had to shut down because this bugbear, a monster that would answer the question ‘What if a grizzly bear fucked a mutant queen bee?’,” The audience laughed for a brief second as the image began to sink in their heads. “Broke out of Tartarus and hurt many of the ponies that were responsible for locking it up in the first place. And some that still work for them had either been demoted or reassigned to other departments.”

Then, Discord let out another breath as he brought up another point. “However, to look solely at SMILE only has you look at one aspect of how things are run at Tartarus. Because SMILE only focuses on the monsters that are locked up there, not the other creatures that have committed crimes. Because if you were to lock up somepony that were to have been a great threat to Equestria like Queen Chrysalis or Cozy Glow for example, that goes through an entire different process and even then, it feels a bit flimsy. And to explain how flimsy, I want to bring out a friend of mine. Please give it up for Princess Twilight’s former student and Friendship School Guidance counselor Starlight Glimmer everypony!!”

The audience began to cheer as the lilac unicorn trotted out onto the set and took a seat on the opposite side of Discord’s desk. Waving a hoof to every creature that was able to make it to the show tonight. As she got herself situated, that was when Starlight turned back to Discord and had one question. “So… what did I miss?”

“Well, let’s see… we’re on the part regarding judicial process and what warrants a creature to be sent to Tartarus,” Discord told her as he looked through some papers before throwing them behind him and having them explode off set. “Could you be able to help our audience on that tonight?”

“Why yes, I think I can,” The unicorn replied back, taking a moment to turn around to the camera. “In order for some creature to even be considered ‘eligible for Tartarus’, they have to meet specific… criteria, so to speak.”

“And that criteria is?” Discord asked.

“Well, if I have to be personally honest, it’s not what the criteria consists of that concerns me, but more as to what it doesn’t have,” The unicorn told him. “And to demonstrate, I’ll let this clip of Princess Twilight explain what constitutes somepony getting sent to Tartarus.”

“In order to be remotely considered to get sentenced to Tartarus, some creature needs to fit a series of requirements. Different cases have different rules to it, but there’s primarily two that are in every major case. First, successfully commit a plan to attack or harm the leaders of Equestria, including the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony. Second, threaten the peace and harmony of not just Equestria and its citizens, but also its allies abroad. Which, seems reasonable right?”

As Starlight listened, she just sat there. Staring blankly as she just took a sip of hot cocoa and looked back at the audience. “Hold on… why are you asking me if this seems reasonable? You’re a princess! And even though both of those seem like credible reasons, you should know that this applies to all citizens and that there are no preset rules to handle cases committed of the off chance that this is committed by a minor, which is crazy,” The unicorn took another sip of cocoa as she formulated her next like. “You can’t be able to buy the next Mare-tal Kombat video game at GameTrot without showing valid ID to prove that you’re a legal adult, yet Tartarus is the equivalent of a family friendly theme park!”

That got the crowd laughing as a new picture of ponies waiting outside of Tartarus and a neon sign that glowed ‘fun for all ages’ was glowing atop the highest peak alongside what appeared to be roller coaster tracks and a ferris wheel in the background. “Let me clear on this… I’m not saying this in defense of Cozy Glow or anything that she did. But I’m saying this because in no capacity would children as young as her be able to understand the law. And this is coming from the fact that myself, Twilight and Celestia had to inform her parents about the whole ordeal. They didn’t think that their daughter would be capable of such a thing… but then this happened while her parents were present during day court.”

“Ms. Cozy Glow. We here have already listed the charges that you are facing. Is there anything you wish to say in defense to what you’re being accused of-?”

“Yeah, I did all of those things and it was very fun!!”

“…… Come again? Attempting to undermine the credibility of Equestria, manipulating the Elements of Harmony to going into Tartarus, stealing the artifacts of the school of friendship in order to obtain their magic, and tricking the students of the school of friendship to believe that the ‘Young Six’ were threatening to destroy the school is… fun to you?”

“Yes it is! Now can we pleeeeeeease please please please move this along? I really don’t want to be late for my play date with Lord Tirek. Oooh, I just can’t WAIT to meet him!!”

“…… Well, that escalated quickly.”

All that did was just have Starlight Glimmer just hit her head across Discord’s desk as she let out a deep sigh. “If it’s not apparent enough, I think that shows why children can not in any capacity understand the law. And it also kind of shows the disparity in how we deal with these numerous incidents. Take it from us. Both Discord and I were both considered as ‘villains’ at one point, yet we were given the chance to reform and live normal lives. It’s a little bit weird to hear something like that from us given that you just heard how a filly basically sentenced herself to the most unwanted place on the planet that could be considered as a tourist destination.”

“That’s what I’m saying!” Discord added, while giving Starlight a hoof-bump in the process. “This whole process with Tartarus barely makes sense. Not just because you’re basically keeping all the villains there for a grandpa billy goat to form his own league of villains,” A new picture of Tirek, Cozy, Chrysalis and Sombra were seen around the father of monsters named Grogar as he continued to speak. “But also, there’s another problem. Because even though SMILE and other ponies are responsible for putting criminals in there… there’s barely anypony watching over the facility. And that was made clear recently when newly appointed royal guard commander Tempest Shadow and former special effects pony for Michael Hay presented a report to the Princesses during Night Court on the matter.”

“After carefully analyzing and surveying first hoof the activities that take place in Tartarus, I must say that I am not impressed by the way everything is handled. Barely anypony is around at the facility or even attempts to go near the cells of the inmates and most of the time, the Warden is not anywhere to be found.”

“And she later goes on in order to say that Tartarus not only has a lack of personnel there, but that there is an extreme lack of oversight, which is NOT what you would want in a prison. If there was a lack of teachers at a school and the principal barely watches over the students, who knows what kind of crazy shit they would get up too?” That was followed by showing the main classroom at the school of friendship with no teacher at the desk, but the students throwing a crazy party like it was spring break in Mexi-colt.

“So right now, that is where we’re at,” Starlight then spoke. “We have a system where a secret organization is putting monsters into Tartarus, yet we don’t know the methods as to why or how. We have a legal system that assumes that colts and fillies can understand the law and try to defend themselves and we have a prison where there’s barely anypony around to watch over the inmates that we’re keeping inside. So the question now is, what the hell are we supposed to do next? Well…” She paused for a moment, before looking back at Discord as she asked him a question. “Would you like for me to tell them or should I?”

“Would I?” Discord asked. “Well, since you did ask… while we were preparing for this, the two of us had the chance to have an interview with one of the Agents of SMILE so we can get some insight into how their organization works. On the condition that we don’t use their real name and that we don’t reveal any damning information that could put Equestria at risk. Please, take a look.”

It all first started when we got a letter from somepony wanting to talk to us. Around this time, Starlight and I were asking around town for information regarding this piece and the letter asked for us to do one thing. Come to Manehattan and to have nopony follow us.

Of course, Manehattan was the one place in the world where you would get fined for parking your party cannon in the wrong place and where the arches of the main bridge look like oversized horseshoes. And after experiencing Manehattan’s warm lack of hospitality, we finally reached the place where we were supposed to meet. And boy, were we nervous.

“Do you think this pony’s going to show up?”

“I better hope so. I didn’t cancel out of the ‘competition’ that Twilight was doing with the rest of the girls just for this to be a complete and utter bluff.”

And we were slowly beginning to think it was. For you see, the letter asked for us to meet this pony around noon and a few moments after the initial time of the interview was supposed to begin, we became kind of nervous. Not just because of the fact that the meeting was taking place in a conference room with all the windows curtains tied shut, but maybe it was because across the street from where we were was the Manehattan Police Station.

Around ten minutes to one though, we could finally let out a sigh of relief.

“Sorry for being late. We had a last minute impromptu meeting that needed to be finished before I could come see you.”

Holy shit… Bon Bon. The pony that worked as an agent of SMILE was mother… fucking Bon Bon!! Starlight and I only knew her as the earth pony mare that was mostly a candy maker and also Lyra’s roommate. So seeing this was a bit of a shock to the system. Nevertheless, despite the complete and utter surprise, we were prepared to ask some of the most important questions that needed to be addressed.

“So what kind of gadgets do you guys have? Do you have a freeze ray? Some kind of grappling hook? How about one of those memory erasing gizmos?”

“What makes you think that we keep a memory erasing gadget on hoof?”

“Well, you do look like one of those agents in Mares in Black.”

Whoops. My bad. That’s not it… I swear, that was just a test. Needed to make sure our microphones were working and what not. Of course, it did not stop us from hearing this from somepony out in the middle of the nearby hallway.

“Ahh that’s hot, that is hot!”

Now then, where were we? Ah right, Tartarus. There we go.

“So, how does SMILE determine what kind of creatures get sent to Tartarus? Is there some sort of system that you need to follow that determines who goes there or not? Some kind of criteria that they need to meet?”

“… Usually dangerous creatures with magical capabilities in them. Sentience is for those that wish to harm others, so, if it weren't for your reformation, I'd take you to Tartarus myself.”

“Duly noted.”

“Are there any ‘special cases’ that don’t usually follow that kind of criteria though?”

“Animals that are very hostile in civilized areas, while also outside of their natural habitat.”

"You mean like if somepony thought they could try to keep a basilisk as a pet?"

“Cockatrice, and yes.”

Hearing that alone had Starlight slowly begin to regret asking that as I looked back at her. I mean, knowing about special cases is important, but the thought of keeping a Cockatrice as a pet sounded like a nightmare. Yet, all this talk about creatures being in Tartarus had me think of something else that seemed important to ask.

“What about in terms of ponies getting sent to Tartarus? Is there like a different set of rules that you need to follow for those cases or is it out of your hooves, so to speak?”

“We never had that rule. Only monsters and other creatures before the branch I once worked for was disbanded.”

“So if your branch was still around during the time of the ‘School Raze’ incident, would you have prevented Cozy from going to Tartarus or suggest alternative means to discipline her actions?”

“Alternative means... like find her parents and have them deliver the punishment, and if they do not, we will charge them for bad parenting and take Cozy to child services to be rehabilitated?”

Okay there, Bonnie. I think we maybe need to pump the brakes a little on that one. Thankfully, that was when Starlight intervened.

“No I mean... like reformation. You see, it's just completely bonkers to think that somepony like Discord or I can be reformed for the bad things that we've done, yet a filly does this and goes to Tartarus. Isn't there a way to put her in like some kind of 'Friendship Detention' or something?”

“I'm sure there is one, but by the sounds of it, the Equestria judicial system doesn't have it's priorities straight.”

And that was one thing that we can both agree on. Because after showing the same footage of Cozy Glow in Day Court to her, let’s just say that Bon Bon was a bit… surprised by what we showed her.

“… So they didn't verify if she was crazy and needed to go to an asylum?"

“They basically just took that as her admitting to what she was accused of and used that as grounds for Tartarus… Which seems stupid because there is no way that any filly or colt her age can understand how the law works.”

“Like admitting you stole cookies from a cookie jar because you think you’re going to get a prize.”

That… was actually a rather accurate analogy from Starlight. And one that I surprisingly did not think about earlier when preparing for this interview. Because lets face it, it’s one thing to throw a pony into Tartarus for something heinous that they did, but if you have a filly admit she did something wrong because she would find something good in Tartarus… then something is completely wrong there.

But before we were to finish the interview, I wanted to take a chance to ask her about one creature in particular. One that lead to the entire mess that had been everything that occured within the last week, had me do a fake death scene and even prepare flash cards for this part.

“Are you or any creature that works at SMILE familiar with the name Grogar at all?”

“Who’s Grogar?”

“Well, my notes says that he’s the father of monsters, was responsible for getting all the big bad villains back together including Tirek and Cozy, brought Sombra back. I have a sketch from the Cutie Mark Crusaders if that helps. Here, take a look.”

“He’s… a goat?”

“Yeah, though isn’t it ironic that he just happens to make himself known just as the princesses announced their retirement plans?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know anything aside from what you told me, Discord. Nopony… let me rephrase that. No creature that I’ve worked with or perhaps in general knows who he is. Villains and hostile creatures are typically known for massive huge displays to get attention, not trying to keep things quiet.”

“I think all of us can agree on that. Aside from the exception of Queen Chrysalis.”

Yeah, we all can definitely agree on that. Because to summarize everything that we know, Tartarus is supposed to be the most strictly regulated place on the planet, yet we don’t have the personnel to watch over the inmates, we’re throwing in children that have no idea how the law works and the prison’s becoming a recruitment ground for an elderly grandpa billy goat who snaps at any creature that doesn’t listen to them the same way that Granny Smith would snap at ponies who try to sneak onto Sweet Apple Acres in the middle of the night.

“So, before we finish up here… Given everything we discussed, what do you think needs to be done considering Tartarus?”

“That’s way too simple. Let the ponies who are experienced with capturing monsters be the ones who watch over them and provide guidelines as to what qualifies a creature to be locked up in Tartarus, have the judicial system get its priorities straight and most importantly, we need to drill into everypony’s heads the simple fact that children do not understand how the law works. That will tackle a majority of the issues that we talked about.”

“A majority? Are there… any others that we missed.”

“Well… there’s one minor one… some of my co-workers haven’t quite been told that you two are now reformed, so they kind of think that you’re still doing villainous deeds… You might want to run while you still can.”

Okay, just to be clear SMILE… tell your agents that we are NOT on your fucking list because we do not want for us to get stuck in Tartarus. Because once we were done, we had to full on gallop towards the station in fear of our lives.

Meanwhile…

As the Centaur named Lord Tirek began to rise up from his slumber, he was not disturbed by the sound of crows that lurked in the dry valley that Grogar and the rest of his legion resided, but instead by what sounded like the joyful giggling that came from that of Cozy Glow. She appeared to be looking at a strange box with moving pictures and… was that Discord on there?

“Oh, hi Tirek! Golly, I was wondering when you were going to wake up.” The filly said, turning away from the box as it looked to show Discord and what looked like Princess Twilight’s former student talk to some mare in a suit.

“Cozy, what… are you doing?”

“Me? I’m just watching Discord’s show. About how he talks about different topics in society and how he points out the extremental flaws with them.” She gleefully told the centaur. “This weeks on Tartarus!”

That… registered differently in the centaur’s head. If he’s pointing out the flaws of Tartarus, then it would mean that the conditions would be even harder for them to break out if he or Cozy would be sent back there.

Of course, things did not go so entirely well once one other creature joined them. “Hey, what’s with all the racket in here-?”

“Are you or any creature that works at SMILE familiar with the name Grogar at all?”

“Who’s Grogar?”

“Well, my notes says that he’s the father of monsters, was responsible for getting all the big bad villains back together including Tirek and Cozy, brought Sombra back. I have a sketch from the Cutie Mark Crusaders if that helps. Here, take a look.”

“He’s… a goat?”

“Yeah, though isn’t it ironic that he just happens to make himself known just as the princesses announced their retirement plans?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know anything aside from what you told me, Discord. Nopony… let me rephrase that. No creature that I’ve worked with or perhaps in general knows who he is.”

In that moment, the expression that Grogar had on his face immediately changed. It went from being grumpy to ABSOLUTELY LIVID in several seconds flat. And he did not seem to like the ‘criticism’ that he was hearing. “Golly, mister Grogar. Are you okay-?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!”

School of Friendship

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

“Hey Twilight… do you hear that?”

“I feel it, Spike.”

Canterlot

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

“What in the name of my parents is that noise?”

School of Friendship (Again)

“I guess the tree really is gone.”

“Then we gotta do something to honor it-!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

“Uh… do you guys have any idea what the hay that is?”

Somewhere in the universe right now…

“Purgatory… Hell-”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

“Denise? Oh god, Denise it’s happening again!!!! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME BY NOW, I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE THAT I CAN GIVE YOU!!”

A Mercenary’s home…

“Alright, so we got all the new potential recruits together! So what kind of test should we give them?” A mercenary wearing a red and black spandex suit asked a blue griffon that was sitting next to him at a table.

“Well, we could-”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“… Professor Deadpool, just what was that?”

“Pure unbridled outrage... either that or the amount of people screaming bloody murder over the movie design of Sonic the Hedgehog.”

“What-?”

“It’s better if you don’t know.”

Episode 28: Accountability

Author's Note

This felt a bit random since the subject kind of was a mix of several things together, but I tried to find it as a way to tie it all together. Hope you like what's here and look forward to some of the other things that I have in store... when I find the time to get around to them.
-Frost

Episode 28: Accountability

By the time that he had come back to Ponyville, Discord had heard a lot of positive feedback from Starlight’s own segment the previous week. In his mind, he thought that it would be a good idea to have the guidance counselor come back to provide more insight on the ever-spinning crazy political circus of the events happening with the government and the nobles. But he couldn’t exactly keep his viewers entertained with segments from surprised guests for long and personally needed to make a comeback. Especially since he considered tonight’s episode as the third to last episode of his second season.

Of course, the idea for what this episode subject was about actually occurred when he was trying to do research on. At first, he was only looking into this subject just as a way to check in and see if there was any progress that was made since the last time he covered it. But when he began to look into it a bit more, he began to realize there was more of an underlying problem than he realized. A problem to the point that it was something important that he felt that needed to be addressed on his show.

Because there was one important thing that Discord had been learning throughout the course of developing episodes for his show. When you actually do the research and start to look into things or when you look back at previous subjects that were done to see if there was any progress that was made, you begin to realize… everything about it sucks. Because the particular topic he wanted to address tonight was something that was a huge part of the investigation going on into the nobles right now, but it seemed that either not a lot of creatures knew what it was or they heard it somewhere before, but didn’t pay enough attention to it.

So, as he was preparing his setup and his guests were coming in, he began to do the usual routine when it came to starting an episode. After his opening bits, a few jokes and thanking everyone for showing Starlight their support when she took over for one week, he began to focus on the main story for tonight. “Our main story tonight concerns government, otherwise known as the stationary political circus that occurs in every known city across the country,” That was followed by an image of what looked like a giant circus tent in place of the Royal Palace in Canterlot with Trapeze artists and a stallion getting shot out of a cannon. “Now, with the Royal Intelligence Organization hard at work at investigating illegal and fraudulent activity in the Royal Parliament and with my special bestie Starlight covering a lot of what was going on last week, I wanted to discuss something that many creatures have been calling for whenever some creature of rather high importance gets in trouble with the law.”

“These ponies need to be held accountable for what they’ve done.”

“If the evidence from the investigation proves that they did commit these acts, we will hold them accountable to the fullest extent of the law the same way that any other creature would if they broke the law.”

“Yes, accountability is something that is vitally important to pretty much everything. If you’re a lawyer, you’re accountable for the practices in your legal firm and accountable for your clients. If you’re a teacher, you’re accountable for how you act as a teacher and also for the students that you are teaching. It’s a term that means that you are responsible for whatever actions you take and you can’t just toss them aside like no big deal,” Discord explained, before looking back at his audience and providing a handy graphic for his next comparison, “The problem is, no matter where you look, there are times where creatures are trying to basically either have another creature take the hit for their actions or use every trick in the book to avoid consequences.”

The graphic that was provided was one that had an image of a stallion that had a book that read ‘How to get away with pretty much anything (except murder) 101’ that had his audience laugh a bit. “This is an important subject no matter where you work, so tonight, let’s take a look at it. How accountability is supposed to work, how it’s applied as a legal procedure and how some creatures go to extreme lengths in order to steer clear of it and act like they said or did nothing wrong, even though some of the bad things that they’re doing is plainly obvious.”

With that in place, he then jumped to the first piece of the puzzle. “So with that in mind, let’s start with taking a look at how accountability is supposed to work. Say for example, some creature says or does something horribly. Like make a racist comment or does something that causes public outrage. In theory, what accountability is supposed to do is have that particular individual be held into account and face consequences for those actions. It’s the equivalent of the ‘getting caught stealing from the cookie jar’ scenario put into legal practice.”

That was followed by an image of a colt getting caught attempting to steal from a cookie jar by his mother, just as she walked in the door. “Of course, as we all know from any experiments with magic done by Twilight Sparkle or otherwise is that not everything always works out that way in practice,” That was followed by a picture of Twilight Sparkle looking as if a test she was conducting had exploded in her face, which got his audience laughing. “Because for certain individuals and organizations, there are systems in place where the only punishment that they would get for something that’s blatantly racist or messed up is a slap on the wrist. Take for example, the police divisions in cities like Applewood and Manehattan. If they do something that causes public outrage, you would want that officer to be held accountable for what they did. But for most cases… that does not happen and most often times, officer involved incidents mostly end up like this case from a couple of weeks ago.”

“No criminal charges will be filed against an officer that tackled a griffon to the ground in order to arrest and restrain her. However, many of the members in that community, which mostly consists of griffons and dragons, claim that they were being profiled and targeted just because of their species.”

“Now, that obviously is messed up, but unfortunately, we cannot get into since it would make our episode tonight the length of an hour long season finale,” Discord explained, “But to summarize it in a nutshell, the system that they have in place is one where there is a lack of consequences for any officer that’s involved in incidents like these, the police unions place limits on how they treat officer related incidents and it doesn’t help that since prosecutors mainly rely on the police to help them with criminal cases, in the same sense that they have your back if you have yours. That’s not the motto that should represent the police, that’s the motto of two guys going out clubbing and one of them being your drunken wing-man.”

The room erupted in laughter as it showed an image of Soarin rolling his eyes, while Thunderlane looked to be downright drunk and losing his mind while doing so. “It’s not just a problem with the police though, there are many other examples that I can list. For politicians, if they do something out of line, they’re condemned by the public so they can be held accountable if something they want to move forward with is against the law. However, many of them either go into straight out denial, act as if they don’t know anything or just pull an Iron Will and call it ‘fake news’ despite the evidence against them.”

That comment was followed by the image of Iron Will’s face when he realized that he messed up in the moments after the Iron Will episode from Season 1. Which got his audience laughing some more. “Of course, trying to hold public officials accountable is like trying to have a firm grip on a bar of soap,” That was followed by a new image of Spike trying to hold onto a soap bar, only for it to slip out of his hands every time, “No matter how many times you think you got them, they always find a way to slip away. Not to mention that in slipping away, they happen to make even more of a mess than the one that they’re trying to clean up. One such example the nobles on foreign policy with other countries. Take this example from last Thursday.”

“Many officials in Royal Parliament are in bewilderment tonight after a bizarre statement from one of Canterlot’s nobles suggesting that they will not be willing to meet with foreign officials to discuss future relations between countries. In addition, they claim that anything that’s against what they say is false and without merit.”

Many creatures in the audience were a bit puzzled about that. Puzzled to where Discord had to explain to them what it meant. “Now, there are a few things wrong there. First, when did the nobles have any merit at all? To them, Merit is something that you leave at the door to a strip club with a huge lunch buffet,” The image of a billboard that said ‘Gentlecolt’s Club. Please leave your merit at the door’ was seen next as laughter began to kick up in the room again. “Second, and this is the most important one, statements like that show how the Nobles are trying to undermine any current progress in government. Equestria only thrives when it’s allies got their back, so trying to stop these meetings is the equivalent of the nobles telling those countries that they can go buck themselves.”

He further emphasized his point by giving his middle talon at the camera as his audience laughed and cheered, before going back to what he was talking about. “Because honestly… with the Nobles being as self centered and heartless as they are, do you honestly think that anything that they say is telling the truth? Any time we try to talk to them, we should have a lie detector device that beeps every time they mess up like this.”

“It’s all that because of those Blank Flanks! They’re the reason why Diamond’s acting this way-”

“THAT’S GRADE A BULLSH*T AND YOU KNOW IT!!!”

Just the example clip alone gave the audience even more of a reason for them to laugh and go wild as they Discord wanted to see what their reaction would be. Nevertheless, he was quite impressed with it and everyone seemed to like it, especially given the context that it was used for. “Now, just from that alone, you can see why accountability is important because we, as citizens of Equestria, would not want these narcissistic and self centered jerks to make promises that they are obviously not going to keep and unravel everything that keeps our country together. But trying to apply it as a legal procedure is harder than it seems, because if you try to ask for something from they, they can just dodge and weave around it long enough to where they try to make these problems just simply ‘go away’.”

The main image changed back to the title display as Discord took in a deep breath. “Take for example, the one thing that many Equestrians hate the most other than Nobles or having to wait in line for hours on end just to get a drink at Starbuckers,” his audience laughed when a new picture of an impatient pony at the back of a long line was seen next. “Taxes. Almost every creature has to file them once they start to make a living here and a lot of us hate them. It’s like mandatory math. The thing is, when it comes to politics, many creatures that run for important positions are required to present their tax documents to show that they are in compliance with the government and paying for them. Yet, there are some who have not done so, but use the most dumbest excuses repeatedly in order to try and justify why.”

“The pony that’s helping me with that lost my records and we’re trying to find them again.”

“I’m under audit right now. Once I’m done, then you can see them.”

That had Discord lift up a talon for a moment in order to have his crowd hold off their reaction for a moment, before he continued to speak. “Here’s my problem with stuff like that. To start, the first guy is treating ‘losing his records’ like a child who said that their pet dog ate their homework,” That was followed by a picture of a colt chasing a puppy with a paper that had multiplication questions on it, “Then there’s the second excuse. Under normal circumstances, it would take only a year in order to file an audit, yet they have been saying that for two and a half years. To them, saying that they’re under audit is probably their version of ‘I forgot my wallet’ if you and a friend are going out to lunch and you don’t want to pay the bill.”

That was followed by an image of a stallion shrugging his shoulders at a mare he was sitting across from, who was facehooving himself in the process. Which got more laughs when Discord added vocals to it. “You forgot it again!? This is the fifth time, Knitty! Don’t you have something you can carry it in at all!?”

His audience was still laughing from that as Discord let out a small breath to calm himself. Retaining his focus before he began to speak again. “Seriously, at this point, you should probably just have a tab for whenever they do something stupid and when they think that they’re in the clear, you present them with the bill,” which was followed by an image of a noble staring at a clip board with wide eyes as they were looking at everything. “Now, if anything, corruption in politics is not exactly an entirely new subject. The thing that’s different these days is that because of the nobles that are running the show now, they’re just making it even more obvious. Back in the day, many would try to keep any sort of illegal activity hidden. Nowadays though, many think that they are immune to consequences.”

With that part, he presented the perfect kind of comparison, “Think about it like this… If some creature was wanting to give you a painting that was stolen from a museum, almost anyone would not want it. But for these guys, instead of refusing it, they would take that picture, mount it up on a wall where everyone can see it and have a plaque underneath that says ‘A cool painting that I got that was stolen from a museum’.”

That got several laughs from his audience, especially with the graphic that went along with that image. “If it wasn’t painfully obvious enough, one of the things that the nobles have been promising have been to try and come up with solutions and plans for big issues that work for every creature. Though, there are two problems with that. First, some of the issues that they think need to be fixed involve something that already has a working system in place… and second, many of what they’re suggesting is not something that benefits every creature, but benefits themselves and their ‘friends’. Of course… that is assuming that they have any because I don’t think this is a good way of saying hello.”

“BUY ME MORE JEWELRY!!!”

Even more of the audience was in a comical uproar as they saw Spoiled Rich’s failed slogan for her campaign for Princess as Discord used that moment to regain his thoughts. “So, if they always act like this, then it's no wonder that they’ll use any trick in the book to get out of legal trouble. But accountability is important, because the longer that you put this kind of thing off and the more that the truth and damning allegations come to life, the more trouble that they’re going to find themselves in. They’re supposed to be responsible for their own actions, yet, their actions are wild and uncontrollable like they were animals let out of their habitats at the zoo… though, to be clear, they would more likely fit as the ones running away from the animals instead.”

That was followed by a graphic of some of the nobles, including Spoiled Rich, running away from some of the animals that were at the Manehattan Zoo and let out of their enclosures on accident. Which had his audience laugh once more. “I mean… let’s be honest, can you even trust these guys when it comes to this kind of thing? Many of them are serial liars to the point that Applejack has asked me to stop running statement that they say by her because of how untruthful they are.” That had a picture of Applejack just facehooving herself when looking at a stack of papers as some more of his audience laughed from that.

“But considering everything that you’ve seen so far, you would also think that making these figures accountable for their wild and reckless behavior. Yet, since this happens almost on a daily basis, we just end up growing numb to it and that cannot be the way that we demonstrate how we feel about clear abuses of power that are just out in the open. No creature, not even them is above the law, but saying that can only get you so far. If you really want to see change, you need to act upon this. Say something, call them out for it, make it to where they can’t just be able to simply shake something like this off. Because if this keeps going on to the point where there’s nothing that can stop creatures like the nobles from doing whatever they want, then we as a nation are, and I’m saying this nicely… completely and royally fucked,” That got a massive cheer from his audience as he pointed back at the camera. “And now, this.”

And Now… the strangest things said from a session of Canterlot Day Court

“Can we hold a national poll asking every creature who they think is the best princess?”

“Is the menu for the royal dining hall considered a public record? I’m asking for a friend who’s pursuing a career in dietary studies.”

“Is there a way that you can make my job as a public servant less emotionally draining?”

“Have the ponies in the royal guard grown a pair yet?”

“Can you help the city of Manehattan with it’s Raccoon problem? Because honestly, we have no idea what the buck is going on and we’re seeing them pop up everywhere! One pony even mistook a raccoon for a freaking tiger!!”

“Wait, this is the Day Court line? I thought this was the line for the Cafeteria!! Goddess dammit!!”

“Who do I speak too in order to ask what sort of ‘doomsday scenarios’ can be covered on my insurance policy?”

“Can you please extinguish the sun?”

Meanwhile...

“So, explain to me again as to why you’re… sticking around,” the Centaur named Tirek asked while he was sitting outside. If another creature were to notice him, then it would look like he was talking to thin air. Instead, he was talking to someone completely different.

“You mean why I’m haunting you? You know, because I can. Besides, it does get kind of boring just floating around with nobody to talk too. I mean, it wasn’t like I was lonely the whole time though.”

“You’re saying that you… talked with another ghost?” Tirek asked as he looked at Scorpan.

“Well, yeah a couple. First one was Sendak, but all he told me was that next time I saw you to say that you can go rot in Tartarus,” his brother explained, “Other than him, there was this one other guy that I met that was kind of like me.”

“What was their story?”

“Well, it kind of went along the lines of him and his best friend wanting to get some wishing balls on another world, only for that to not work out so well and for his best friend to kill him. So, afterwards, he went to haunt his friend while they tried to track down so ‘freezer’ guy or something. Though, he wasn’t dead for long. Last thing I heard him say was ‘Nappa’s going to hit the prime time, baby!’. You know, very enthusiastically.”

“Nappa?”

“Oh right, that was his name. His friend's name was Vege-”

“Hey, Tirek!! Come in here!”

The centaur was caught by surprise as he got up and walked inside, only to find Cozy and Chrysalis waiting for him.

“Sorry, I was just thinking of something. Is something the matter?”

“Well, you could say that,” Chrysalis said, floating over what looked like a scroll to Tirek. Once he began to look at it, that was when she let out a sigh, “Grogar wants for us to find this stupid bell of his and wants us to bring it back… together.”

There was a small amount of silence… followed by screams of joy that could be heard inside Tirek’s head as his brother was overjoyed by the news. “ROADTRIP! YAY!!!”

Episode 1: Royalty

Author's Note

Here's the first one. Uncensored (Mostly), Uncut (Mostly) and uncalled for (Definitely). If you have any feedback or suggestions on future topics that you would like for MrAquino and I to do, feel free to mention them in the comments.

Also, if anyone gets the hidden references in this chapter, you're awesome! :rainbowdetermined2:

Episode 1: Royalty

When it was originally suggested for him to try to think of a hobby, Discord was unsure about what he was going to do for a hobby, where he would do it and most importantly… how exactly was he going to pull this idea for a hobby off. He always wanted to have the chance to say something important regarding the state of current affairs in Canterlot and Equestria as a whole, but no matter how many times he tried, Celestia never read any of the suggestions in the suggestion box that was outside her chambers… and that was after she told him to stop putting up suggestion boxes everywhere in Canterlot Castle.

But now, things were different. He came up with a brilliant plan that allowed for him to do two things. One, voice his opinion, and two, use his chaos magic in ways that would not resolve in the undoing of the entire world or the universe. All Discord needed was just a few things before he can finally begin his “hobby”.

That hobby was that he wanted to start his own version of a late night television show that he would broadcast from the comfortable studio he set up in Fluttershy’s basement. Many of the shows on late at night were just reruns of things that had already been broadcasted earlier in the day and with most ponies sometimes turning a blind eye on certain subjects. So he came up with a simple premise. Every couple of weeks, he would try to enlighten viewers with certain topics… and the despicable and unbearable truth behind some of the things that some ponies don’t normally pay attention to… mostly uncensored as well. But right now, since he was just getting started, he was using professional equipment, but was going to upload any episode he had filmed onto PonyTube in hopes of reaching a broader audience, so to speak.

With a snap of his eagle talon, a small light in the corner soon flickered to life, saying “LIVE” in bright red as he cleared his throat. The cameras that he had set up soon switched on and he had a doppelganger of himself working with the audio, video clips and the soundtrack for certain segments of this broadcast that he had in mind. Now though… it was Showtime.

Wearing his best suit and tie outfit, he soon looked straight at the camera and began to speak. “Hi there, I’m Discord. Your friendly neighborhood spirit of chaos, pain in the neck for Princess Celestia and host of Last Week Tonight, a new show that will hopefully allow viewers like you to see a different perspective on things that mostly are either ignored like the suggestions in Princess Celestia’s suggestion box or the fact that almost any suggestion that you put in that suggestion box goes straight down into the fireplace in the dining hall one floor below.”

A small laugh track was heard in the background, giving Discord the chance to catch his breath before speaking again. “Now, I mention this because such a case can be made on one thing in particular and that, my friends, is royalty. Yes, royalty… Now, I know why you might be thinking, but I bring this up for a particular reason… because for many ponies who aren't aware of it, many nobles, most of which doesn't consist of Princess Sunny Side Up, Princess Moonshine, Princess Love Song and her knightley Husband and Princess of Friendship whose name makes some think it's some sort of vampire novel, most of the majority of nobles in royalty act a LOT like this instance in one of the previous Gala events.” During this pause in the transition, a clip in which showcased one of the members of royalty, Prince Blueblood, pushing the Element of Generosity and owner of the Carousel Boutique named Rarity in front of him as a plate of jello crashed into her face. As the clip ended and what sounded like a mixture of shock and laughter being played in quick succession with the clip, Discord then continued on what he was saying before.

“Yes, that dashing prince may look so handsome on the outside sweetheart, but the best he see you as is somepony that can serve as a equine shield in a food fight.” Again, as on cue, another laugh track. Followed by him speaking afterwards. “Now, let me be clear on this… this is not the first time that Prince Blueblood or any other members of Canterlot’s royal parliament have caused instances like these, but this is because a lot of them seemed to be too focused on themselves rather than others. Which drives home one major point… Nobles are complete assholes… and I’m being serious because I actually had the chance to talk to some people about some of the things these nobles do and what I found out was MIND-BLOWING.”

Another moment in the broadcast where the Draconequus brought in external sources. More reports of insane behavior from the rich and wealthy upper class, going as far as causing somepony’s business to go bankrupt because the clothes they requested to be tailored was two sizes too small. “Yes… that’s right everypony… This guy here caused one pony’s business, who had been around for almost seventy years, to collapse in a week. Which was faster than the few seconds of fame and glory that most ponies get on many talent competitions like Equestrian Idol and Equestria’s got talent.”

Another set of laughter, followed by his next line. “And that's not all, folks! Get a hold of your favorite princesses.” Various ‘Oohs’ were heard as an image of the Princess of Friendship was soon shown in the left hand corner of the screen. “Yep! How about the new gal, The Purple one? There are many things that she can do as a leader; she has a huge crystal castle that, as far as I can tell, is nearly empty with the exception of her, her personal dragon slave, and a potential love interest. But ho-ho-ho! She doesn't do the smart reason by hiring some guards, maids, or even staff, but she makes it her hang out spot with friends!!!” various ‘boos’ went off. “And don't get me started on the real estate! A castle underground… okay, but when said castle erupts from the floor and sticks out among the houses like a sore thumb!? Just look at it; it looks expensive as hell and just came outta nowhere, AND She's not paying for it!!! And it came right after a fight that, though looks cool, destroyed multiple homes and made the real estate skyrocket!!! Hey!! Purple bookworm!! Instead of hanging with your friends so much, maybe find a way to fix all the collateral damage from your ‘heroic’ endeavours!!!”

More laughter this time was soon followed by the draconequus proceeding back to the original topic. “Now, with all due respect, Princess Twilight and her friends have helped me a lot in the past couple of years with reform. So, we should return back to the original topic at hand involving Nobility. Most of the nobles these days have some of the most important jobs in Equestria like helping with our country’s military and security along with other roles such as politics. However, I’m not quite so sure that these ponies are up for such a job after one of our hidden camera’s found this during a Royal Guard training session with two recruits and a noble who was supervising them.”

“So... How many targets did you hit?”

“3 outta 10.”

“3 outta 10!? That's an Academy record!!! You're the best aim we have since the last guy!”

“What did he get?”

“1!”

“Okay…” The Spirit of Chaos started speaking again. “If your best academy record for archery is hitting 3 targets out of 10, then I think we can all agree that this may be the reason why Princess Celestia had Princess Twilight and her friends continue to save Equestria over and over again…” The left hand corner of the screen now showed what would look like a list from Twilight Sparkle, stating at the top “Times that we have saved Equestria” with some items including defeating Nightmare Moon, reforming Discord, squash Queen Chrysalis, put Lord Tirek back in Tartarus and so on. “Doesn’t that also show how almost everypony is seriously ungrateful for all that they have done. I mean, I could go on and on about all of the good things that they have done and what not, but all that everypony really cares about apparently is how much of a scene that they could cause all the way in Manehattan.”

“But, this also leads to another thing: Are you REALLY that STUPID, COWARDICE, OR LAZY!?!?!? From what I can see, when a problem arrives, instead of taking action, you, ALL OF YOU, stand at the side! Imagine how short the Canterlot invasion would be if you nobles stopped trying to look clean and instead, fought against Chrysalis and her Changelings! We all know the military is worth crap, so there's no use in hiding if they're all captured! I mean, do you honestly think that a soldier whose best archery record is 3 out of 10 has any chance of handling a massive tidal wave of invading changelings? It’s like an Earth Pony was trying to take on Lord Tirek with nothing more than a stone and a slingshot.” A random pony came and whispered into his ear. “... Really? That happened!?...” Discord snapped his talon, pausing the footage as he took a chance to review his notes on the subject before coming up with a better example in his head. Something that he was going to edit shortly after he finished filming.

Snapping his finger again, he cleared his throat and began to speak once again. “I mean, do you honestly think that a soldier whose best archery record is 3 out of 10 has any chance of handling a massive tidal wave of invading changelings? It’s like bringing a wooden stick to a sword fight… How much of a chance do you think that your stick is not going to be sliced into tiny pieces that would serve as small bits of kindling in Celestia’s massive fireplace?” This time, there was more laughter in the background. Discord always liked it when he brought back one of the topics from earlier because it was his way of keeping the comedy fresh before starting something completely new.

“And Speaking of which! Celestia… our leader… our cake & banana gobbling, tea chugging, and lazy princess. She knows that nobles in Canterlot are always stuck up jerkwads that care about themselves… because she has to deal with them on a DAILY basis. In fact, they are so stuck up, that when I had the opportunity to talk with a former noble, who is now spending his days as a scholar on Equestrian Wildlife and has his front right foreleg replaced with a mechanical one after a savage fight with a chimera, he had this to say…”

Now the clip that was playing was from an interview that the Draconequus conducted with the Gentlestallion named Sir Hammerlock and one of the more… entertaining comments that he had to say on nobility. “Forgive me for my tone on this, but everytime I hear one of those selfish and greedy noble bastards speak, I feel as if my brain cells are committing suicide one by one.” Another brief pause, some more shock and laughter from the audio department, and then Discord’s cue to speak.

“Now, for some ponies, that may seem as a stretch… but we need those brain cells so we could make educated decisions like… How exactly are we going to fix the Royal Guard or, is it really a good idea to join the guard in the first place given what was mentioned earlier in the show. Folks… Celestia is practically a Goddess… and she wants you all to be able to think for yourselves! But it’s kind of hard to do that when you get Blueblood and the rich douche committee ruining ponies lives and, instead of doing something… i don’t know… meaningful… they are too busy wasting their time, wondering which pretty mare they’re going to get to second base with… and also try to figure out what second base actually is.” He sighed as an uproar of laughter soon echoed from around the studio. Testing the limits of the sound barrier he had in place.

“But, Celestia isn't at fault here… look at Luna. The princess of the night is watching you all sleep at night! Sure, she may seem motherly when your kid meets her, but from what I can tell, if you adults have a bad dream, and not a nightmare, but a dream where you take over the world… I only have one piece of advice for you when Luna visits your dreams… run like hell…. That, or remind her of Nightmare Moon! Oh yes, you Ponyville folks may have remembered that united dream you all had, but you should know that Luna is emo.” Now though, Discord felt like he needed to get back to addressing the main issue of the broadcast.

“Now… Let me be clear on this… None of the Princesses are to blame for any of the behaviors or actions of the nobles… Not even Celestia. Because honestly… these nobles only have themselves to blame. Before there was any need for the elements of harmony at all, there was over a thousand years of piece… which can add up to the overall amount of laziness from any noble who doesn’t even consider reading the fine print on their job description that states that they need to actually do something!”

“But, if there's one princess I really have a beef with but you guys love, it's the pink, Disney Princess wannabe Cadence. Why?... What did she exactly rule? You're probably thinking about the Crystal Empire, but, seriously, what did she rule as princess before being kidnapped by a bug queen?” Crickets chirped. “No, it's not crickets, but she ruled your love lives! Look at who you're married with or are dating right now… did you really meet and love them at first sight? Did you know your life was going to be great? Do you even stop to consider if your other may be holding you down or aren't allowing you to better yourself? If you answer ‘No’, then congratulations!!! You've been shipped by an Alicorn that either thought you were cute together or didn't want to see you both fight anymore!!! And since she can't read your minds like Mooncheeks, you may be with your sibling as I speak!” Various screams and gagging were heard.

“Of course though, everypony that is a princess has roles to play… and no, I don’t mean roleplay for chaos sakes… I don’t even WANT to know what that would lead to. For example, Celestia herself: you all ACTUALLY think of her as a queen! No, don't think that she's evil since that's a load of crop, but I think you can see some similarities here!” Discord explained, counting them by uncurling a finger on his lion paw with each fact he said. “You all bow to her, you’re grateful for her helping Equestria stay peaceful for the last thousand years even if the past few have been shaky and she has to keep up the perfect look for you all. Why, if any of you actually saw what she actually acts like, you'd be surprised! In fact, roll the clips!”

A clip showed Celestia first having a slice of cake, only to lead to her stuffing that same cake five minutes later in her mouth, looking like a pig while some staff clean her mess. Another showed her gently massaging a banana. The next was Luna sitting on the throne, only for a fart to be heard; Luna stood up, seeing that she sat on a whoopee cushion… and Celestia laughing hard. The final was her drunk at the gala, barely holding her balance, and passing out.

“And let me be clear… this may be for entertainment… but it’s also for enlightenment and none of these previous clips were fake. They were just things that no one have paid attention to because the writers have to focus on other things for an important plot device… And no, when I mean plot device, I don’t mean the whoopee cushion in clip number three. But, as you saw, she's kinda a bit immature for being over 1000 years old,but she is herself, unlike the sheep.” At that part, a collection of images showing a few other ponies that were recognized as nobles. Including Fancy Pants, Fleur De Lis, Prince Blueblood and Filthy Rich.

“The princesses are fine with me… but these guys… ugh, when you’re name is Filthy Rich for example, you know that he’s one pony who demonstrates his wealth in more than one way. Why else do you think he has a wife named Spoiled Rich and his daughter is named Diamond Tiara for crying out loud!? Or how a maybe… Maybe it’s explains the reason why he prefers for other ponies to call him Rich as a reminder of how wealthy he is. It’s guys like these that are a reason for collapses in the economy these days.” The last part had a bit of sarcasm to it by showing an image of Filthy Rich playing the role as a supervillain where his powers involved money and affecting the lives of all those who used it.

After another series of laughs, Discord cleared his throat and looked back at the camera. “Now… I may have mentioned many things… But my main point is this. We as a society may be doing well on the outside. But there are some major changes that need to be done on the inside involving government because right now, almost all nobles except for that of Sir Hammerlock that I mentioned earlier in the program, are taking everything for granted. They think that whenever trouble happens that somepony else would come in and help save them. However, what if somepony can’t make it in time? These nobles need to learn a thing or two from the elements of harmony if they are ever going to get any positive publicity with the Equestrian population.” At that point, it showed a survey of if the country was in favor of Prince Blueblood or not and the results were almost completely against him.

“I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Last Week Tonight,” The Draconequus spoke up as he was beginning to say his final remarks. “Like I said before, this is purely for entertainment with a side of enlightenment as well. Good night everypony and remember… The sun doesn’t move around the earth, it’s the earth that moves around the sun.”

The following morning

As the sun began to peek into her room through the open window in her study, the Princess of Friendship named Twilight Sparkle was beginning to slowly wake up and try to make sure that she was ready for another day. However… this morning was not like all the others. Matter of fact, something about this entire thing felt… off so to speak. And that’s not because of the sudden television set in front of her, with the remotes next to her bed, but something felt… off.

It even got more confusing when she noticed Spike trying to pull himself out of a stack of mail that she happened to find on the Cutie Map this morning. “Spike, what are you doing?”

“T-trying to get out of this-.” He wheezed before finally stepping out. “Ah there... finally I’m not going to get myself buried in a pile of applications.”

“Applications?”

“Yeah… last night, a bunch of mares and stallions came here, trying to look for a job. I don’t what the fuss was about, but it must’ve been something important for the town to act like this,”

“That just sound silly. I don’t even remember trying to set up anything regarding jobs…” Twilight thought as she noticed Rainbow fly in from the nearby window.

“Hey Twi, is it just me or is the whole town being a lot more… nicer?”

“...Nicer? Isn’t this town already nice?”

“Uh… yeah… but… when I woke up… I got all this cool stuff!!!” She said as the mare pulled out plenty of fan art regarding her and the rest of the group. “Check this out!”

“Wow… Uh… Yeah that is a little odd…” Spike commented, noticing some of the pictures as he was looking them over and also found a few letters attached to the back. “Hey, listen to this… Thank you for saving our home and Equestria over and over again… Is it just me or does it feel like everypony is trying to show their thanks for all the heroic things that we have already done before?”

“Or were they too busy to recognize how awesome we are!” Rainbow Dash retorted. “I mean, Scoot’s fan club of me is fine, but now mares and stallions are joining… I don’t know what to say!”

That was when the rest of their friends soon came in, mentioning similar, yet strange coincidences that they had come across on the way here. Applejack was now able to sell more apples than she would normally, Rarity was having a lot more customers come into her store at Manehattan, Starlight was said to be extremely lucky to be Twilight’s student, and everypony was really nicer to Fluttershy… Yet the question still remained… why was this happening?

“So… can anypony think of anything that is different about this week than normal?” Twilight asked, trying to backtrack a little and see if there was something that occurred before today that might have been causing this.

“Not that I know of.” Applejack replied.

“Nope.” Rainbow shook her head.

“Me neither, silly nilly!” Pinkie spoke up afterwards.

“Can’t say that I know for sure.” Rarity shrugged.

“Uhh… M-maybe?” Fluttershy squeaked, causing everypony to soon look back at her in response. “Uh… I didn’t pay much attention, but Discord asked to borrow the basement for the night. I-I didn’t want to be mean, but I trusted he wasn’t going to do anything in there too dangerous.”

“That… doesn’t seem weird… then again, this is Discord we are talking about.” Spike said, looking up. “You have anything to contribute, Starlight?”

“Well… Now that you mention it… He was asking me something earlier in the week about what’s the best way to deal with boredom,” Starlight replied. “I didn’t say anything too out of line. I just recommended that he should take up some kind of hobby or something.”

“I think we should pay him a visit.” Applejack suggested “I actually wanna thank him if this is his doin’.”

“Hold on… this is Discord we are talking about. There has to be more to this than meets the eye.” Twilight replied, shortly before turning to notice Spike reading a piece of paper. “What’s that, Spike?”

“Some odd note I found… It says… go upstairs and turn on the TV. There's a surprise waiting for you.” He repeated, looking back at the girls.

“...The Hay’s a TV?” Rainbow asked.

“Something tells me it’s that weird box like thing that I found on the wall in my room…” Twilight replied. “To be honest, I thought it was a picture frame at first… But I guess we’re about to find out what exactly this thing is.” They all walked back upstairs… only to see many pegasi and unicorns around, making the halls look clean before fleeing a few moments later. They were all curious as to what the hay was up with those ponies… but their priority was to find out what exactly did the box on the wall do.

Strangely enough, out of everypony who tried it, it was Spike who actually was able to turn the TV on using the provided remotes. First, there was what appeared to be a warning, stating that the program was for ages 14 and up for… certain reasons and that viewers discretion was advised.

“What the heck is that suppose to mean?” Rainbow then asked everypony in the room. It then showed the episode that aired… and it was mind blowing to all of them, though Twilight was a bit offended by Discord’s comment around her.

“Okay… some of what he said was uncalled for… but if this is the reason for what is happening in Ponyville… then I guess he can keep doing it right?”

“Heh… It’s not like it’s causing any major uproars.” Rainbow laughed. The door banged and fell down; the ponies outside fell in like a tsunami.

“DID I GET THE JOB, PRINCESS!?!?!?”

“PLEASE, I NEED THIS JOB!!!”

“I’LL BE YOUR CUDDLE BUDDY!!!”

All that Twilight did in that present moment, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of ponies wanting to help them… was faint on the floor.

“I’m a doctor!!!” A stallion yelled as Starlight facehooved herself.

“You were saying Rainbow?”

“What!? I mean, if this sort of thing happened in Canterlot, Celestia and the Princesses can handle themselves… right?”

Canterlot

Meanwhile, Celestia was bombarded by many nobles, each promising to take care of her paperwork and do anything to be considered ‘good’ and not be viewed as ‘evil’ or ‘annoying’ anymore… though a couple kicked a cowering Blueblood on the floor… something Celestia actually liked seeing.

“Stop!!!” He begged “I’m royalty-!”

“You’re annoying!!!” One of the nobles yelled. As the Princess excused herself though, she found her sister talking with a stallion that had a mechanical limb for a foreleg as they noticed her trotting into the room.

“Sister? What is going on? I’ve been hearing some screaming out in the courtyard.”

“I do not know, sister.” Celestia answered “Peace and harmony seems to be either disrupted by something… or added more.” She then turned to the stallion next to her and tilted her head a little. “I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with who you are.”

“Oh no worries. My name is Sir Hammerlock. Hunter, Scholar and Gentlestallion at your service. I was just telling your sister about the Almanac on Equestrian Wildlife I was finishing up on… All after I had an interview with a… friend of yours, I assume?”

“...Define ‘Friend’.”

“Well, he did say that you too had your differences, but that he still makes sure to not do anything too drastic. He was interviewing me on my views on the nobles… I believe he went by the name Discord?” The Stallion told her. Celestia’s normal calm attitude quickly went to that of contempt.

“Discord~.”

“Yes actually. He wanted to interview me for a segment that he was doing for a new hobby of his he called it. We talked over tea and I told him that most of the rich and self centered nobles make me think my brain cells were committing suicide one by one and surprisingly, it was something that he actually agreed with.”

“...Sister?”

“Yes?” Luna replied

“We must pay Discord a little visit-.”

“Oh that reminds me,” Hammerlock mentioned before grabbing something out of his saddle bag. “He wanted me to make sure and give this to you. It was a copy of the the finished episode he was working on the other night. I was a little confused how I was able to find it at the doorstep of my hotel room, but I’ve learned that it’s best not to question a draconequus methods. Tally ho, good friends.” He said before leaving the room. Again, this lead both sisters to a surprise that was found in Luna’s chambers as the episode began to play once they stepped hoof through the door. The royal sisters were quite surprised, a bit offended by what Discord spoke of, but, it brought more conversation to the two,

“You really made a creature to make all your dreams nightmares?” Celestia asked.

“...Yes.” Luna answered

“...You have problems.”

“Says you. Out of both of us, I am the mature one!” She retorted, rewinding it back to where they showed all of Celestia’s deeds of misbehavior.

“Oh sure! ‘Oh! I was Nightmare Moon for an hours! I must punish myself for three years by bad dreams!’”

“ …… Do you even know what your dreams look like?” Luna then asked. “Because last I saw you, you were on a banana split float ruling numerous types of cakes that you called your subjects.”

“YOU DON’T LOOK INTO ONE’S DREAMS, SISTER!!!”

“Who do you think made the cakeponies in your dream speak?” Luna then told her, causing Celestia’s jaw to drop. “My thoughts exactly.”

The room grew a bit silent as Luna sighed to herself, walking on out to make sure that she made the preparations for raising the moon later… until another thought dawned on her.

“Hey, sister? Is it true that the planet orbits around the sun?”

“And where did you hear that? You know it’s our job to move the sun & moon around, sister.”

“...... Something tells me you didn’t hear what Discord said to end the broadcast.” Luna replied.

“I did, but you know Discord as a liar as I do.” That was when it showed on the screen something in the credits.

All evidence and information presented was legally obtained through numerous sources, including Canterlot University, The Manehattan Times and the Trottingham Press. This show is for both entertainment and enlightenment purposes only and to bring in an outside perspective on modern events. It is not my fault if you can’t take a joke seriously.

-Discord.

P.S. Major thanks to Starlight Glimmer for having me think of this new hobby. I would also like to thank my new friends in Ponyville and the Royal Sisters in Canterlot for helping me make this possible… You too, Tia. Leave a comment below if you want to suggest future topics.

“ …… Sister?” Luna then asked, causing Celestia to sigh a little.

“What is it!?” She replied, annoyed.

“I have an idea…” She replied to her. “Do you have any ideas for… possible topics? I’m thinking the more he is given, the more distracted he would be so Discord won’t need to annoy us.”

“Are you seriously going to help him out on these lies? If he’s going to spread lies about royalty, then he should at least do it for the common folks!”

“You have to admit though, some of the nobles are a pain in the flank to deal with…” Luna reminded her. “I can’t believe the number of times I’ve asked for the Night Guard to escort somepony out of the castle because they thought they could sleep with me… Speaking of guards though, with Shining Armor in the Crystal Empire, who do we have to train the guard here?”

“......” Celestia’s eyes went wide upon realizing what her sister meant. “Oh horseapples… fine… I guess he has a point there.”

“Right… Well, I’m going to go lie down and try to find a way for Discord’s hobby to not distract me. I still have Night Court going on tonight.”

“Of course. You do that.” Luna walked out, though Celestia pondered to herself when her sister wasn’t looking. “Discord… I have a feeling that you’re watching me, but… if you want to dethrone me, that’s not gonna happen. As for your next ‘special’, I know this is going to be impossible, but find out more about the other species of Equestria. I doubt you’re going to find out more about the other creatures that we ponies coexist with.”

Request received, thank you and have a nice day.

Celestia’s eyes twitched for a minute, shortly before sighing deeply and trotting into her room. Wondering if there was any cake left over from her 1006th birthday celebration.

“Pfft… It’s not like he’s gonna find any information on any other creatures.” She grumbled to herself, finding her piece of cake. “Mmm… banana cream… My favorite.”

Episode 14: A Royal Epiphany and A New School

Author's Note

In the words of a rapper version of Pinkie Pie... 'Guess who's back... back again... Dissy's back! Tell a friend...'

Just a little something to cover the events of things that occurred between the period of the end of season 7, the movie and before season 8. Enjoy.
-Frost

Episode 14: A Royal Epiphany and A New School

After the last time that he did a broadcast, Discord himself felt that he was in a pretty good place with everything that was going on… Though, it was shortly after this that he had to put the show on temporary ‘hiatus’ because of two major things. First and foremost, there was the events that transpired at Ponehedge and lead to the release of Starswirl the Bearded and some of his other comrades out of limbo; and secondly, the friendship festival held in Canterlot. Of course, the second one wasn’t really quite important to him originally and he saw that as a reason to take a vacation all the way in Neighpon… but when he came back, it was then he realized that a lot of things happened in the short time that he had been absent.

Not to mention that he also met a pirate captain that sounds like she was interested in more than just crackers, a unicorn with a broken horn and a zero tolerance policy for anypony messing around and lastly, a kitty con artist who was more of an aristocrat and gentlecolt than Celestia’s own nephew was at any point in his existence. Speaking of which, it was when all of these events were going down that one thing was overheard by some of the staff members at Canterlot Castle.

It was the fact that Prince Blueblood… was having a epiphany. Apparently, the attack on Canterlot by the so called ‘Storm King’ served as a wake up call for him and also served as the main point for what Discord wanted to do for this episode. Because if this guy… the same stallion that treated mares like living shields in foodfights and failed to get the public to vote for him during ‘the Election’ cycle last season, was wanting to change… then he needed to understand his mistakes.

And Discord was planning to not leave any stone unturned. As the introduction played for his segment, the camera’s were put in place and his segment began filming, he was greeted by an applause as he welcomed everyone who was there. “Welcome, welcome! It’s so good to be back, everypony!!” He told his audience as the applause was slowly beginning to wind down. “Welcome everypony to Last Week Tonight and tonight, there’s a lot to catch up on. And I do mean a lot. From the fact that Princess Twilight has a SCHOOL for some reason… to the fact that FREAKING CANTERLOT somehow got attacked by a Yeti with a superiority complex… and just as when you think things were slowly beginning to come back together after the events of this attack, all hell breaks loose… But not in the way you would expect it.”

“According to top aides in Canterlot Castle, the once so everly defiant Prince Blueblood is having an epiphany and wants to change his attitude and behavior in order to gain some respect after the siege on Canterlot Castle. He has faced many years of criticism for his outright offensive remarks and reactions and this comes after he lost his temper during an immigration meeting, asking top delegates ‘Why are we taking in all these creatures from sh*thole countries?’.”

Many ponies in the audience gasped at that, while Discord… didn’t look too surprised. “That’s right… he actually said that. He said something that a lot of us think that he didn’t have the balls to do. And to be fair, it’s actually worse… because he wasn’t just referring to everyone as sh*tholes. He was talking specifically about countries like Zebrafrica, Paiti and Hayzil. Which is clearly not okay,” The Draconequus mentioned… before adding his own tidbit. “And I do want to acknowledge that I’ve called Tartarus a sh*thole personally for several years but… in my defense; A, I’m not Prince… B, Tartarus is decaying force of nature that creates utter despair when any of it’s inmates are letting out loud tantrums.” That was followed by what looked like an image of a Baby Tirek crying because he wasn’t able to achieve ‘World Domination’... all while the guards were looking at a meter that read ‘Too much despair. No hope. Consider suicide.’

“But… if Prince Blueblood is really… and I mean reaaaaaally wanting to change, then he’s got a long way to go,” Discord took a deep breath. “You might think that trying to be reformed is easy, but Blueblood isn’t necessarily seen as a ‘bad guy’. Just somepony that’s made way too many bad choices. You might have heard of some of those bad decisions most recently though. Especially with the amount of backlash that he got from some of the things that he said. Mostly based on what his plan was if he was elected in the position where Celestia and Luna are right now.”

“When I am elected as the leader, and believe me, I will be… I will make sure that my first priority is to make sure that we don’t repeat the same mistakes that make our country a laughing stock…… and they are, believe me.”

That had Discord raise a peculiar eyebrow as he looked back at his audience. “Oh really? You of all ponies are going to make sure of that?” That was when Discord had a series of rather embarrassing photos emerge on the left hand side as the draconequus continued to speak.

“We’re talking Blueblood… This guy…” An image is shown of Blueblood singing in the shower while Celestia, Cadence and Luna are waiting impatiently.

“THIS guy…” Another image was shown of Blueblood’s mane standing up on end while talking to a delegate from Manehattan on a breezy spring morning.

“THIS GUY…” The final photo showed him getting stood up by Rarity at the Grand Galloping Gala and covered in jelly and food. “ … wants to end the laughter. That’s the equivalent of a puppy named Julius H. Snugglebones wearing a top hat and holding a chew toy in his mouth running for mayor under the slogan ‘playtime’s over’. ” That was followed by a picture of what looked like a rally for the puppy in the top hat with campaign posters and everything.

“More importantly though, it was not his campaign mistakes or his insults at important political meetings that made him a very unlikeable pony. It was his overall behavior and how he treated everyone because of his ‘noble status’. You might recall during our first season when I called out the nobles and a lot of other ponies for being stupid, lazy and not even lending a helping hoof to assist the princesses with daily tasks and because of that, many of the nobles did help her… but in the case of Blueblood, he saw this not as Nobles helping the princesses… he saw it more as nobles helping royalty. Meaning that he was thinking that he was getting help instead of giving that same help to his Aunt. Which… lead to this confrontation when he angered a few nobles the morning after our first show aired.”

A brief clip was then shown of some nobles going out of their way in order to beat the crap out of Blueblood and despite his best chance at trying to say that he’s royalty, he was immediately interrupted by someone calling him annoying. But it was at the end of the clip that the camera turned to Celestia… and it was showing her smiling throughout all of this. “Wow… That clip had two things that I learned about Canterlot today. One, it doesn’t matter how much of a jerk you are, you can still get beaten up by nobles. Two, Celestia was thinking at the time that her nephew learned a valuable lesson…… Don’t f*ck with fellow nobles.”

That got the crowd laughing and riled up at that as an image of Celestia and Pinkie Pie in rapper outfits on the cover of a fake music cover called ‘Don’t F*ck with fellow nobles’, guest starring Celestia, Pinkie Pie and DJ-Pon3, shortly before Discord had to take a deep breath and clear his throat. “Now… you may be thinking… ‘Wait, how is this trying to help him? You’re just pointing out all of his mistakes and make routine jokes about it?’ Well, not only is that getting into what normally consists on this show… but it also brings up what actual kinds of mistakes he’s made. Because all the way up until now, he didn’t seem to acknowledge any of the mistakes he previously made and when he did, he called it out as being phony or fake. So… helping him out is like getting your wisdom teeth pulled…”

Everyone in the room sound confused for a moment… before the Draconequus began to elaborate on what he meant. “You need to go through the painful parts first before you can begin the healing process. Otherwise, you’ll be waking up in the middle of the operation to find that the operator has to perform ‘drastic measures’ to get that sucker out of there.” That was followed by a new image of Blueblood waking up in an operating chair at the dentist… while seeing Minuette carry what looked like a mechanical drill and making the prince panic in the chair.

“That just leaves one more question though… how much damage control do we need to do in order to keep this whole mess under control?” The draconequus asked. “Well, I’m not sure what kind of damage control we can do… because about a couple of years ago, this happened and showed that Blueblood… has rather thin skin.”

“To the nephew of the princess, satire and humor is no laughing matter. Ever since uncovering an old law five years ago, over 2000 cases have been made for insulting the prince. Most recently, one made against a comedian that insulted him through poetry.”

That even had Discord startled by all of this as he looked back at his audience. “You heard that right… he wanted to imprison ponies for just making fun of him…… and I’m honestly glad that law is not being put into effect anymore,” The draconequus said with a sigh of relief. “Because if it were still active, I would be thrown into a maximum security prison right now and I do not thrive in those kinds of environments.”

That image had a clip of what looked like Discord locked up in Tartarus in a straight jacket and muzzle, struggling to get out and personally panicking. “Thankfully… all of those cases were dismissed and no charges were filed, but some ponies still have a very fresh memory of that on their minds. And not everypony in the world is as forgiving at the princesses or the elements of harmony. Trust me, I’ve learned that from myself the hard way over the last few years… but what makes trying to help this guy so problematic is that many people know him for being just a straight up jerk because there’s nothing else in there. If he were an onion and you cut it open, everything underneath the first layer is just as bad and unbearable.”

That was followed by what looked like a cook wearing some kind of gas mask while he was cutting onions in the royal kitchen. And the onions had a wig that resembled Blueblood’s mane. “And let’s not forget the fact that Blueblood was unwantedly added on to a verbal tirade from a staffer last year… But when it comes to helping him… the only thing you really can do at this point is to change. And no, I don’t mean actually change. Keep your suit on and find a changing room before you try ripping your clothes off in front of us.” Another image was now shown on somepony yelling at Blueblood to not take off his clothes… even though he was only wanting to take off his jacket.

That was before the spirit of chaos cleared his throat before looking back at him. “So… to actually change how people see you, then this is something important you should learn. Treat others the way you want to be treated… if you end up treating them like a complete asshole, then they’re going to treat you the exact same way.” That had the crowd cheering loudly for a moment that it almost shook the roof off of the studio as Discord tried to redirect his focus elsewhere.

“With that out of the way now, let’s move on to Education… the one thing that a lot of ponies are so optimistic about that anything can qualify as that,” That was followed by an image of what looked like Princess Cadence in a school mare’s outfit drawing a heart on a chalkboard before it changed. “I might’ve mentioned at the start of this show about how Princess Twilight Sparkle… The nerdy book pony who looks like she’s been indoors most of her life and tries to learn social etiquette through books… now has a ‘School of Friendship’... and incidentally, she originally wanted to name it ‘Sparkles School for gifted creatures’ only to be met with a copyright infringement lawsuit by her teacher.”

That lead to many ponies laughing out loud when they saw an image of Celestia holding a ‘Cease and Desist’ order in front of Twilight, while also looking extremely mad at her. “Now, from what we know about the school itself, it originally started after the events of the ‘Friendship Festival’, AKA, what was going on when I was on Vacation. The Friendship map in the Castle was expanding beyond that of Equestria to places outside of it and it was getting much bigger that it was originally. So, her original idea was to build a school to welcome all creatures… well, almost all creatures. Because when I had a conversation with Spike about it, this was what he told me.”

“So, at this current point, we have other ponies, dragons, griffons, changelings and hippogriffs among the roster for students right now…”

“Wait… wasn’t the original idea of this a school where all species can learn about Friendship? It looks like you’re missing a few.”

“Wait… What do you mean by that-?”

“Well, aren’t you forgetting Diamond Dogs, Minotaurs, donkeys and Zebras?”

“Um… we’re still waiting to hear back from Zecora on being the potion teacher…… Why are you asking? This is getting rather awkward.”

That had a lot of the audience surprised. “Really, Spike? You call that awkward? What’s awkward is that what you told me contradicts what Twilight originally planned for the school. I doubt you would even call it a school at this point and instead call it a friendship resort by a ominous lake in the middle of nowhere…”

The spirit of chaos took a moment to catch his breath first… before adding something else. “For the record though… for the record, the students are not what’s really concerning here. It’s the ponies that are tasked as being teachers and for the record, some of those choices are pretty good. For example, there’s Starlight Glimmer… Twilight’s own student who happened to graduate from the princesses teachings and is presumably paying rent in order to stay at the castle…” An image of Starlight handing over a bag of bits labeled ‘rent’ was shown in Twilight castle. “On the other hoof though… one of the supposed teachers for this is Trixie… a mare where the only thing that’s ‘Great and Powerful’ is her overly complex ego that gets her in trouble almost all the time…” An additional image of Trixie and Starlight getting thrown out of a bag by Thorax’s brother was soon demonstrated a few seconds later. “But at least that is better than having Janice from accounting be in charge of a class because she would not give a buck about that class!”

That was followed by an image of what looked like the accounting mare named Janice drinking coffee and rolling her eyes while the class behind her was utter chaos. Shortly before it changed to the title image. “Don’t get me wrong… I’m really enthusiastic about this idea… however, the one thing that I’m concerned about is that fact that not many of the ponies there could really fit the bill. Sure, Twilight and her friends all learned important lessons in the ways of Friendship… but I’m not sure if that qualifies for being an actual teacher. Only Twilight and Starlight herself have that kind of experience when it comes to teaching, so in a way… they need help.”

Discord took a breath this time before looking back at his audience. “Remember when I had you guys not only submit applications to ask to be part of Twilight’s ‘staff’ for her castle? Well, I want you to do it again! Only this time… I want you to do it for this. Because if the princess of friendship is really wanting to dive into the education system with this new school, she needs all the help she can get and not the help that can be found by cracking open a book.”

Next Morning

When Twilight was up this morning, she felt as if something was going to repeat itself all over again as she trotted over to the campus that was going to be her school of friendship. But it was shortly after she was done making sure that everything was in tip top shape… she stepped out the door to find the most unlikely surprise. Hundreds of ponies racing towards her, holding onto what looked like applications and resumes as they were all shouting at her.

“Princess, let me be of assistance!! I’m great with kids!!”

“I wanna help teach the youngsters!!”

“LET ME BE YOUR CUDDLE BUDDY!!!”

All Twilight could do was race inside and slam the door shut as she was trying to hold it in place. “Oh dear Celestia, NOT AGAIN!!!”

“Um… Twilight?” Spike then spoke up, startling her. “There’s some kind of line wrapping around the back end of the school… I think some diamond dogs, zebra’s, donkeys and minotaurs camped out overnight because they really wanted to enroll here.”

All Twilight did was groan as the tired out alicorn face planted on the floor. “Ugh… I was not prepared for this…”

“We could have Tempest do something-”

“NO!!” Twilight gasped for a moment, before clearing her throat. “I mean… No, that would not be necessary…”

“Then you might want to tell her that… because ever since Celestia assigned her to be your bodyguard, she’s been taking her job WAY too seriously.” All Twilight could do was gulp in fear upon hearing that as she looked towards the door. Before thinking of an idea.

“You know what… let in the line of all those who were waiting… And have Tempest stand guard where everypony else is trying to be.”

“Are you sure that’s-” Spike only had to ask that for just a brief moment, before seeing the look on Twilight’s face and figuring out what she meant. “Oh… OH! I get it now. I’ll let her know right away.”

Episode 23: Trade

Author's Note

This one... took WAY longer than I originally wanted it to be and I am really sorry for that. I've been busy with school and the fact that most of my stuff in our house is being packed up because it's getting closer to when my family and I are going to be in a hotel for a month. So... good news is that I'll have my laptop and such so I can work and all that... Bad news is that during the time I'm gone, I can't access my PS4 and it will probably take a LONG time to get it set back up again.

But all that's just minor... Now... back to this episode, Discord looks into the topic of Equestrian Trade and how a recent push by Nobles in order to resist a new proposed trade deal is fundamentally flawed in all areas... especially if your main spokesmare has the face of a rhino.

Hope you guys like it! Until then, see ya around
-Frost

Episode 23: Trade

When Discord originally heard the suggestion from Spike regarding the Flim and Flam bros, he… honestly wanted to do a piece on that similar to what he did with Iron Will. A full episode dedicated to all the crazy shenanigans and stupidity that they get themselves into. But with the weeks flying by insanely fast and with new developments happening all over the place and some of them being in areas that were way more important, he felt that it would be simpler just to ‘legally’ change the names on their birth certificate to ‘Skim and Scam’ bros and call it a day.

Because aside from the daily craziness at the school of friendship, the developments there and allowing for other creatures to take part at the school has lead to Celestia trying to be able to change laws that were in place since the time of her parents in one particular area… and that was trade. And based on what he had been hearing so far regarding this, he really saw this deal as quite an improvement. However, there has been a lot of pushback and ponies who were against such a deal.

So as he got on his suit and prepared his set for the next taping, he looked back at the live studio audience that was in the crowd this evening as he kicked off another episode of his show. “Welcome, welcome everypony to Last Week Tonight!! I’m sorry that I’ve been gone so long, but there has been a lot of developments in the last few weeks. From two idiot twin brothers trying to pull off the biggest educational con job with their Friendship University; the only school that simply tells you ‘F-U’, to Rockhoof going through a suicidal depressive phase and even having a pegasus filly go full on sadistic in an attempt to take over the school of friendship and end up getting thrown in Tartarus over it,” With each piece, the images of Flim and Flam at Friendship university, Rockhoof talking with his class and then the filly named Cozy Glow in Tartarus next to none other than Lord Tirek as the crowd laughed. “And you might think… well hang on, given how much coverage this sh*ts getting, there’s no possible way that something could be overlooked… well, unfortunately, there is one thing… and that concerns tonight’s main subject.”

The ponies in the crowd looked at one another for a moment, a bit puzzled. But then, Discord let out a sigh as he began to speak. “Tonight’s main story concerns Trade… the complex process of barter and exchange that’s found everyday in farmer’s markets, canterlot stores and elementary school lunch rooms,” An image of what looked to be students in Ms. Cheerilee’s class at lunch was now seen as one pony in the middle looked to be really wanting to get rid of the sandwich that was in his lunch bag. “Truffle, you’ve been trying to trade that daffedel sandwich for the last three days… I think it’s safe to say that you can throw that away because it's purely inedible.”

The crowd chuckled at that as Discord looked back at his audience and continued to speak. “Now, the reason why I’m bringing this subject up tonight is because with Equestria’s current relationships with the leaders of other countries and other species, Princess Celestia and her advisors have been busy reworking old laws that had been enforced for over a century and trying to revamp them to match the current times. This is important because Equestria, before this point… used to have a forelegs length relationship with other countries and heavily induce major taxes on goods in order to basically rob other species of their bits on products like food and clothing… and then basically spit in their face about it. Which sounds harsh… but given how back then, they had a huge ‘KEEP OUT’ sign to prevent any Zebra’s from going to their homeland, I would call it mild compared to that.”

After bringing up that old tidbit from Dinky Doo in season 1, Discord was able to get a few more laughs out of his audience as he continued. “Now, recently, Princess Celestia has announced that she may be close to finalizing a fair and open trade deal to every creature, where goods could be traded freely and you can’t be able to tax the f*ck out of people just because you feel like it… Unfortunately though, to get such a vote passed, you would need majority approval from the other representatives from across Equestria and most recently, one of them took the time to be interviewed to downright oppose it… but just wait until the reporter bring up one small thing…”

“This deal that the Princess is proposing is preposterous! It’s going to affect jobs, affect the ponies who are trying to put food on the table for their families and it’s going to cause our economy to just downright drop!”

“And you say this, considering the fact that you yourself have not actually looked at the deal itself.”

“No, I haven’t had the chance to review it.”

The whole crowd let out a shocked gasp as Discord himself reacted to that very statement. “Then what the f*ck are you doing criticizing something that you haven’t even read!?! You’re making yourself less like a city representative and more like a foal who refuses to eat his vegetables!!” On screen was a image of a unicorn colt making a disgusted expression as it held a fork in its magic while staring at the broccoli on it’s plate while also going the extra step as to impersonate that random colt’s voice. “Why are you giving me this!? I hate Broccoli! It’s the worst food in the world!! Have you even tried it? Have you even tried it just once in order to see if you actually like it or not? No I have not and I know that I hate it!”

The crowd clapped their hooves for him as Discord looked back at him. “And to be fair… that guy’s not the only one who spoke up against it. Listen to Spoiled Rich here, a mare who accidentally got a nose job in the shape of a rhinoceros’ horn and who’s actually trying working with nobles in Canterlot to try and prevent this from passing, say her thoughts on the subject.”

“The trade deal that is being proposed so far, from what I know, in my view… is insulting. If it is as bad of a deal as I think it is… then we will do everything that we can to stop it.”

“Wait, hold on right there,” Discord interjected, raising his paw up as he looked back at the camera. “If it’s bad as a deal as you think it is? That’s an obvious sign that you didn’t do any reading. It’s the equivalent of doing a book report on something that you haven’t even read,” Discord said as it showed an image of a random filly doing a presentation in front of the class while Discord used his chaos magic to make it look like he was a stage actor at a play. “Some of us are of mice… while others are clearly of mares.”

More of the crowd continued to laugh as Discord snapped his talons to make the props he had explode off stage before looking back at the camera. “And the one question that comes to my mind during all of this… How the hell do you not read about this at all before deciding to comment on it? It’s only over a hundred pages long and most of it is just lists and introductions. Meaning that around half of it is actually important. Which is less pages than ‘The Foalsitter’s Club number one, Moonlight has a great idea’,” Briefly, an image of the popular children's book that was of the same name was shown as he continued to speak. “And look… I’m not saying my opinions on the matter… but given how everypony either hasn’t read the deal or doesn’t seem to understand how trade between countries and other species works, let's take tonight to actually talk about it. From explaining the basics of trade and how it affects our economy… and also show how some ponies, despite how credible they say they are on the matter, almost don’t even understand the simple basics.”

Taking a moment to stretch out his paw and claw, Discord looked back at his audience. “For a start, trade between other countries and species is rather simplistic. We pay for goods that they provide and they pay for goods that we provide them. However, many of the nobles… really don’t want to have the system change because they can put big taxes on imports called tariffs that come into the country like food and clothing because they think they can be able to basically empty the pockets of other countries.”

For a moment, that made most of his audience rather surprised… before hearing the draconequus speak up again. “But as you would know by now, given that the Nobles don’t really have a tendency to give a sh*t about other ponies unless they feel like it, tariffs are actually heavy taxes on foreign goods to make them seem less attractive and made products here more appealing… and the ones paying those tariffs aren’t other countries, but importers here do,” Discord explained, having several images show up as visual aides in order to explain what he was saying. “And all that does is make things worse because the cost that they pay would then be passed along to the consumer. And a LOT of our goods are from overseas as some journalists and reporters try to explain in the most literal way possible.”

“If Nobles go through with these proposed tariffs, then you would have to pay more for kitchenware, appliances, daily groceries and clothes. Even parasol’s like this one would cost more bits because of the components that keep it together.”

“For business owners, the cost of buying the products that they need to put on the stores will go up. Everyday items like manebrushes, shampoo, combs and towels can also be hit because they’re brought in from outside Equestria.”

“Everyday items that we used such as parchment and ink for writing letters can be hit, along with journals.”

“Okay, stop please… because what that last reporter just said sounded more like the embodiment of what comes out of Princess Twilight’s nightmares… Other than talking quesadillas,” The image of a quesadilla saying ‘hello’ and Twilight running away in fear was shown next as the crowd laughed at that. “It’s one of the dreams from her fillyhood that she rather not remember anymore… as I am told.”

That was followed by a caption that read ‘scared horse noises’ at the bottom of the screen as it sounded like somepony was having a major freakout backstage. “So, if Nobles don’t seem to understand the concept of tariffs, then what else is there that they don’t seem to get? I mean, even though all of them say they got the highest class of education, it looks like they don’t offer basic economics at the Royal Douche University,” That was followed by an image of what looked like many of the Canterlot nobility, including Prince Blueblood, dressed up as if they were in college and attending a school with the same name. “Because they seem to don’t understand the concept of our country's trade deficit. Which, to put it lightly, is the number that represents how much we buy from other countries that they buy from us. And anytime they try to say what the number is… they’re always wrong.”

And that was added by Discord adding on another fact. “And to prove it, a reporter asked a hoof-ful of nobles the same question about the trade deficit when they were at a trade conference two months ago. Not only did each one of them not have any consistent answers, but all of them assumed that it was over five times that of what we actually have. So at this point, I would think that the only thing that they could think of from economics is how much money from your taxes are going towards whatever extravagant party or occasion that happens on a week by week basis.”

That was when a lot of ponies gasped at hearing that, before the spirit of chaos asked them an honest question. “Oh come on! Did you honestly think that they were the ones who organized and set up all those parties?! That’s why they have staff members do all the work for them, those lazy f*ckers!!”

He took a moment to calm himself down and to let out a small breath, before looking back at his audience. “So where were we? Ah right… that. Well, other then what I just said, remember how I mentioned them not understanding the concept of trade. Well, another pony, who happens to be an important advisor to one of those nobles asking a particular question… that they really did not answer well.”

“Sir, I know that this may seem personal… but are sure that this is a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, but have you ever taken a economics course?”

“I don’t know, have you?”

Again, the crowd seemed rather shocked by that. And so was Discord, “Other than the fact that he was being straight up rude to that pony… the words ‘Have you?’ don’t exactly reflect well upon you when you say it in a snarky tone like that,” The spirit of chaos told them, before coming up with an analogy that really caught them off guard. “If you asked somepony ‘Have you ever has sex in public?’ and their response was ‘I don’t know, have you?’, that pony had sex in public!! They did it… in public… and in all likelihood, it probably didn’t happen just one time. Think of the children that could have witnessed that!”

He got his crowd to laugh once again, looking back at them before diving back into the main piece of the subject. “I’m not saying that it's easy to understand the subject of trade, because the whole scope of everything makes this one of the most complicated issues there is. Over the years though, many ponies have been sounding the alarm that unfettered trade can reward the worst behaviors of companies and exploit countries that have fewer labor protections. Some of those countries that we are now allies with and it’s supposed to benefit both sides…”

And with it, the draconequus now had a couple more things regarding the subject that should be addressed. “But that also means something else… these guys not understanding trade also means that they don’t understand the impact of it on our economy and its consequences. Take tariffs for example. Ms. Rhino Rich here,” An image of Spoiled Rich placed right next to a Rhino version of the same pony, which got the crowd laughing a little. “Has said that one of their proposals includes a tariff on cloth, linen and leather goods and they have claimed that doing this would help the workers. However… what they don’t realize is that it only helps out ponies in those specific industries. Protecting cloth… helps cloth, but it hurts anything made from it because the price of their materials is increased and therefore… would be forced to raise their prices on you, the consumer, in order to break even.”

And now, Discord was asking a question that… now that he brought it up, everypony else in the audience is wondering too. “So if what the nobles are trying to propose to replace this detail makes no sense at all… Then why are they doing this? And more importantly, where is their information coming from? Because for a start… several ponies who’ve actually worked on this new deal and have dealt with nobility disagree with them. One advisor, Number Cruncher, reportedly resigned from being the nobles financial advisor when the ideas of these tariffs first surfaced, and others have tried doing damage control, but were immediately proven wrong after stating their main points. So who is honestly telling these ponies… and the rhino… that this is a good idea.”

The crowd laughed once more at the mentioning of Spoiled Rich looking like a Rhino as Discord looked back at his audience. “Be honest with me… you laughed a little too hard that time around,” He told them, shortly before looking back at him. “No… what would be the driving force that this is a good idea is this stallion here, Cash Grab. He’s what you would consider as the noble’s trade pony. Isn’t that right, Cash?”

“I’m the trade pony.”

“Yep, that’s right… so let’s recap on who we have on this noble committee of stupidity here. We have trade pony, rhino liar, doctor racist, nothing prince even though he’s not on there anymore, wasted grandma, criminal breezie, dictionary grave robber and daughter lover. It’s a fine tuned machine that they’re trying to run,” As Discord said that last piece, pictures of each of their members, including Spoiled Rich, were in there too. The spirit of chaos also put in images of Chancellor Neighsay and Prince Blueblood, but that was more of sh*ts and giggles than anything else. “But let’s just focus on Cash Grab for now because he’s an author who’s written a series of ‘Get rich quick’ books and like some of these nobles, is obsessed with trade deficits and everything that we’ve covered so far. Particularly with other countries like Griffonstone.”

As he began this segment, Discord began to continue his piece and began to go more in depth on the pony that he was discussing about. “Cash Grab has personally referred to trade with Griffonstone as being a game where one country succeeds when the other one loses, which is flat out untrue. In fact… among other ponies in the same field of economics, he’s much different. In fact, when a reporter for the Manehattan Times asked for him to state somepony who would agree with his views, he gave one name. Long T. Investment, a professor at the University of Baltimare, an actual school by the way,” Briefly, the image of the ‘Friendship University’ was shown to rub in the ‘failed’ attempt by Flim and Flam to get cash in exchange for… practically not a lot of things in return. Which, had caught the crowd by surprise. “Said that Grab ‘has a very severe position on the matter, which I have a problem with… where’s his proof?’ And it doesn’t really look good when the one pony that you think is going to back you up discredits everything you’re trying to say.”

And if that weren’t important enough, Discord added on something to make the whole idea seem hilarious. “It’s like trying to have some guy be your wingcolt at a bar, yet when you talking to a mare, he discredits everything that you are saying,” The image of what looked like two Wonderbolt stallions at a bar and one of them being all factual while the other was flirting with the bartender was seen as the crowd began to chuckle at the possibility of that. “Come on man, I thought I told you not to say anything stupid! I wasn’t saying anything stupid, I was telling the truth. Well, don’t do that!”

That was when the draconequus soon turned his attention back to his audience as he looked back at his audience. “So if you are frustrated at this guy already and are undeniably wondering how in Tartarus did this guy get a job with the f*cking nobles… well, the answer to that is much dumber than you realized.”

“They just went to the bookstore and just browsed the books that were there. They found his books, read them and then they offered a job for him the very next day.”

“Eeyup…” What sounded like Big Mac’s voice echoed through Discord’s vocal chords for that short moment as he looked back at the ponies who were watching, before he continued. “They found this guy by just reading his books in a store. That was their rigorous process… So whenever Chancellor Neighsay does eventually get fired, be prepared for him to be replaced by Hazel Light, author of the erotic fiction novel ‘Starshine’s Night, A late-night love story’, because honestly, that’s the first thing that came up when I used my magic to search ‘Good School Pony (Not Racist) through their authors archives’.”

His audience was a bit surprised by that and some of them were laughing at the prospect of what Discord was saying before he started back up again. “Now… the book that they found in particular was one called ‘At their Mercy’, which paints the trade relationship that we have with our allies in almost catastrophic ways. And while there are some troubling claims about other countries trade practices, Cash Grab here goes way further than that, going as far as to claim that ‘they’re raping our countries profits, stealing what was once ours and claiming it as theirs like they made it themselves’. And honestly, I’m not sure if I should be worried about what his other books say… or if they found that in the adult-grimdark section of the library on accident. Because… this is honestly what happened when I asked for Princess Twilight to read some of the book just last week.”

A new clip was seen of Twilight scanning through the pages of the book… before stopping… blinking at what she was seeing… And immediately setting it on fire. Followed by this. “Are you BUCKING kidding me!? Who would believe what’s in this stupid book!?!”

“She’s right… Even Princess Twilight knows that this book… if I can turn the censor off for just a moment… is complete bullshit,” Discord’s words caused an uproar of an applause as he turned it back on a few seconds later. “This guy is seen by other economists across the country as more of a raging street derelict that no one takes seriously and yet, most of the ponies in this noble opposition group against Princess Celestia’s new trade deal are the only ones who take him seriously. Which is scary because Cash Grab said of his new job that ‘he is to provide the proper analytics that prove their viewpoint and the input of the Nobles I work for is always right and that is F*CKING terrifying! Because any legitimate economist should not be trying to find the ways to prove the intuition of somepony… or more than one somepony… that has no idea what they are talking about!!”

That was then followed by an almost spot on analogy that really got everypony to laugh in the room. “It’s like a construction pony working for a foal and saying ‘My job is to build this home they designed to where it looks like this ice cream sundae, these two windows are also doors which is the size of the moon and a rabbit. Her intuitions are always right’. To which I would say ‘No they aren’t! You need to stop that foal right now before somepony gets bucking hurt’!!”

And around now, that was when Discord began to summarize his final main points. “So that is where we are at right now… We are dealing with a bunch of nobles who outright refuse to support a trade deal that they never read, being lead by a bunch of ponies in which they don’t exactly understand the mechanics of what exactly they’re talking about getting advice from somepony who’s the living equivalent of raging hate mail from your uncle… and the worst part about all of this is that they don’t realize that if they force this plan into place, the effects of this would cause the opposite of what they originally wanted. Because if you wanted to create jobs, you don’t do that by cutting off the markets and suppliers Equestrian businesses need.”

The spirit of chaos took a second to catch his breath before looking back at his audience. “So… I have two suggestions. First… when it comes to actually reading the deals, treat it as if it were a fully wrapped breakfast burrito. It could be stuffed with eggs, cheese, potatoes, peppers or there could be a dead mouse in there. But you have no right to complain about what's inside unless you actually bucking looked. And secondly… in the very least… if you don’t know any of the words that are inside it or what they mean… all you gotta do is ask the bucking question.”

Many ponies in the audience cheered in response to that, before looking back at his audience and pointing at the camera. “And now, on a much better note… this.”

And Now… Five things that we did or wanted to include this week that we unfortunately couldn’t fit or mention in this episode

Number one… After all the sh*tty stupidity that the Flim Flam Brothers get themselves into with the results of what happened at Friendship University, Discord and the staff at Last Week Tonight have legally changed their names to ‘Skim and Scam Bros’. Because hopefully, ponies will see that name and think twice about working with a pair of brothers who fight with each other… just as much as they come up with dumb schemes that barely work.

Number two… Peaks of Peril… something to stay away from or some kind of tourist attraction? I mean, hell, there’s a train station there… Nothing sounded that crazy or wrong than when they decided to put a petting zoo in tartarus. It only lasted for two days until all the sheep were devoured.

Number three… Isn’t it strange that the Kirin just use a silence potion to avoid dealing with their problems instead of just talking it out like decent people? Because there are a few ponies who would probably want to have such a potion if they want to avoid talking to their ex. Also, Rain Shine and Queen Novo look… oddly similar if you compare how tall they are.

Number four… Regarding Friendship University, the one thing that stood out was how Starswirl… Starswirl the Bearded… saw the school as legit. This guy was supposed to be the wisest mage in Equestria (aside from his scatterbrained younger years) and he just automatically believes it? If we did the Skim and Scam name change sooner, then maybe he would realize how bad they are at what they do.

Number five… Nobles act like they know a lot about trade, but they don’t even understand how it works all around. It’s like saying you know how to play Oubliette’s and Ogres, but you’ve never played even one game… and if you ask ‘what kind of experience do you actually have’, then let’s just say I’ve had a bit of fun as the dungeon master a few times… and no, not that kind of dungeon, you sick perverts!!

Next Morning...

“Um… Auntie? Why is there a large crowd on the other side of the castle?” Prince Blueblood asked that of Princess Celestia as she was just getting herself breakfast after raising the sun. Only to look out the window to see many of the same creatures that were once originally rioting because of species stereotypes… were now gathering for a different reason.

It was in support of the trade deal that she was wanting to propose to the other leaders… well… part of it anyways. “Stay out of our economy, Rhino lady!!!”

“What did you just call me, you little insect!?”

“Watch your mouth!! That’s racist!!!”

That… made Celestia realize what was going on… and more to the point, groan as she took her food to her room, closed the door… and shouted out in the royal canterlot voice. “DISCORD!!!”

Episode 27: Nobility (A Closer Look)

Author's Note

From the way the title is displayed, some of you might guess that I'm trying things differently. Well, with Discord off this week on a personal holiday, Starlight fills in for him to discuss the ongoing situation with the nobles in Canterlot and all the problems they're getting tied up with. Since Luna's piece made some readers think of Samantha Bee and Discord's work is based on John Oliver, I took a crack at having Starlight be based on Seth Meyers and his ongoing 'A Closer Look' segments. I just hope that I stick the landing with this one

Plus, for added measure, I think you might like the ending this time.
-Frost

Episode 27: Nobility (A Closer Look)

After finishing his episode on Tartarus, Discord felt as if he needed a necessary break. Sure, there might have been a gap in time between the episodes for his series, but it felt like he was investing all of his time into it. Which, to some, might be seen as a good thing. But to others, if you solely are doing one thing over and over again and expecting the results to somehow be different, that’s just the definition of insanity. He needed a break. Possibly even a vacation, no matter how long it might last or where he’ll be going, he needed it.

Fortunately though, he had a backup plan to keep his viewers entertained. Ever since he asked for Starlight to assist him on his piece with Tartarus, he was wondering how she would do if she were to host an episode. Luna’s take on literature was a surprise hit, especially since it put a bit of a twist on the original formula that he and his viewers were used too. So perhaps if Starlight were given the chance to host, she could show her audience how she would do an episode while also revisiting an all too familiar topic.

That topic in particular being Royalty. More specifically, the ponies that refer to themselves as ‘nobles’. At one time, they were referred to as the ‘shrouded scumbags’ of Canterlot’s upper class, many of them have been finding themselves in hot water recently. It started a long while back with the unsuccessful attempts at running for Princess by Prince Blueblood and Spoiled Rich, but now has become the equivalent of a plummeting political trainwreck that was speeding downhill and already off the tracks that it was supposed to be on in the first place. Blueblood had jumped ship already, but many other ponies that were still consider themselves as nobles only made the problem worse to the point that RIO (Royal Intelligence Organization) had to open up an investigation into the conduct of the nobles, their affiliates and proposed policies.

Needless to say, many of them were not entirely amused by this and have been outright attacking the investigation and anypony involved ever since, despite the fact that not many of them had any idea what it was actually doing or how important the investigation actually was. Something like this was too big for anypony following it to pass up. As well as too big of a chance for Starlight just to simply ignore.

Before the episode did begin though, the draconequus did leave a bit of a notice for his audience. Just to make sure that they were on the same page. “Hello everypony, Discord here. You might be thinking… why exactly is Starlight here? Is she taking over for the show? Are you retiring like the princesses? Well, let me say that right now, I’m taking a bit of a well deserved holiday. So this week, Starlight is covering the piece that’s in store for you tonight. I hope you all enjoy it and try to not make her embarrassed just because it’s her first time doing it by herself… and no I don’t mean it that way. Get your mind out of the gutter, you idiots.”

After a few moments, the notice disappeared and now Starlight was sitting at the desk that Discord would usually sit at. However, instead of wearing anything particular or trying to be fancy, she was calm and relaxed and just be herself. Especially with her opening statement. “Good evening everypony. The nobles in Canterlot are unknowingly making the case that they know nothing about how the government while their policies hurt the country and they attack ongoing investigations. For more on this, it’s time to take a closer look,” A small transition into the next piece was seen as a few members in the crowd cheered for her before she began to speak again.

“Back in the day, when you would hear that somepony was noble, you would see them as being virtuous and honorable. Somepony that always has your back, like a comrade you would go into battle with,” An image of two royal guard soldiers fighting side by side was then seen as Starlight went into her next part. “But today when you hear the word noble, you think less of a comrade and more of an aristocratic douche who would be on the sidelines eating grapes and drinking wine while watching that pony fight their battles.”

The crowd began to burst into laughter as they saw a soldier being overrun by monsters, while there was a pony sitting in a laid back chair wearing a toga, leaf crown and eating grapes while holding a wine cup in one hoof. Just before Starlight added vocal impressions. “‘I thought you said you were going to support me!’. ‘Yeah, morally support you! I’m fine back here… Want some grapes?’” Some more laughter came after her impression as the screen changed back to what was a picture of several nobles in Canterlot.

“It’s crazy to think that in this day and age a group of ponies have changed society’s perception on something that’s supposed to be good and made it look downright awful. And to make things worse, the nobles themselves don’t even seem to see what the problem is. The policies that they’re proposing and the ponies that they’re bringing on to help them try to establish such policies are slowly corroding away at the pillars that make our government work,” As she said that, that was when Starlight brought up a perfect example. “It’s the equivalent of trying to fix a hole in the wall with a sledgehammer,” That picture was followed by an image of what looked like Carousel Boutique and a stallion repairman slamming a sledgehammer into the wall, while also making Rarity faint. “It not only doesn’t fix the original problem, but it also ends up making it much worse.”

More laughter began to echo from every creature in the room as the scenario as Starlight looked back at her audience and straightened up her shoulders. “Even with that in mind, many of these nobles don’t seem to know what they’re doing. One particular trend among some of them recently has been creating problems through policies that they propose and then later proclaiming that they actually solved them. Which is straight up ridiculous and yet, they’re still doing it. It’s like the movie ‘Brawl Bunch’, but instead of fighting each other, you’ll turn around to find a noble punching the crap out of themselves in the middle of Celestia’s garden.”

A new image of what looked to be a noble that had been working with Spoiled Rich was seen now, giving himself a left hoof to the face in front of the hedge maze at the garden as the crowd snickered and laughed at the clever imagery. “One day, they claim that the proposal would create jobs for those who don't have any and the next day, they take it back saying that its contents and policies would cripple the workforce. Seriously, I don’t want to see what would happen if those guys try to fight the reflections of themselves when they look at a mirror.”

The same stallion was seen in a new image, only to stare down himself as a scared servant in the hallway was watching him “‘I told you to stop looking at me like that! I got a mean left hoof and I’m not afraid to use it!!’” Starlight imitated the stallion to match the image as her audience cheered in agreement. “One of the reasons why that this train wreck is still going on this way and that it’s coming out like this is because these nobles have no sense or moral compass or any form of a strategy when coming up with something they want done. They try to present themselves in a particular way to the public and lash out at stories that reveal the truth because it goes against the image that they’re trying to present themselves as. Which had been on full display this week when this was announced on Monday.”

“Breaking news at this hour, the Royal Parliament has authorized an independent investigation by RIO, the Royal Intelligence Organization, into potential misconduct and political corruption by the Nobles and their affiliates as well as investigating all proposed policies they have or yet to have present to Parliament. Leaving many nobles infuriated and outraged.”

“First of all, and this might be just a nitpick, RIO sounds less like the name of an intelligence agency and more like the name of a vacation destination in Hayzil that’s most famous for its carnivals,” The crowd laughed as an image of party-goers and Carnival Dancers walked through the streets of the vacation destination that Starlight was referring too. “Secondly, this investigation will obviously make the nobles angry. Yet, that just shows that it is even more important because it allows for us to actually find out what the nobles are trying to hide. Which is ironic because the nobles are not exactly well known for hiding anything.”

That sparked a small chuckle from the audience as a few images of some nobles were seen on the left hoof side of the screen. “Seriously, if you bumped into one of the nobles with the fancy jackets on the street, they might end up accidentally spilling all the blackmail material that they keep inside that jacket,” The corresponding image had the small chuckle elevate into some applause and laughter once again as she looked back to the audience. “The combustible combination that is the sense of ignorance and impulsivity that they have is one of their biggest collective flaws. What doesn’t help though is that the nobles surround themselves with advisors and ponies who are in full support of their ideas and ignore the possible consequences. Even going as far as to say that they’re just straight up make believe like when this pony was proposing their own bill on trade… and find themselves on the receiving end of this comment from a committee member on the royal parliament.”

“Many ponies have been speaking out against your proposal because it says that they would be able to hurt the working and middle class, especially other creatures who are just starting a life in this country. Do you have anything you would like to say in response?”

“Well, I would like to start by saying that any notion that this proposal would harm the individuals you referred to are downright imaginary and falsified.”

“So, like your credibility…?”

That had many creatures in the room respond with an uproar of laughter and applause as Starlight looked back at his audience with a surprised expression. “Damn! There’s no possible way he could be able to come back from a savage burn like that. Especially when that is completely accurate. I betcha when he left that room, fire crews had to soak him down because his trousers were still on fire after that.”

The new image of a few firepony’s soaking down that noble as he left Day Court was seen next to support the joke as her audience continued to laugh. “It’s not just embarrassing themselves in public with false statements that have made the nobles suspicious, it’s also the fact that when it comes to policies, they have repeatedly held any details on what their propositions might do. They’re so tight lipped that even around reporters, they only say things like this.”

“If the nobles proposal doesn’t go through, do you think it's going to destabilize the equestrian economy?”

“I hope not.”

“Ms. Ivory Thread, when will we be able to learn more details about the nobles proposed plans for improving the City Legislature system?”

“In due time. In due time.”

“Ms. Rich, how will you respond to the growing concern that the nobles are trying to undermine Equestria’s government?”

“You’ll find out… You’ll find out.”

The last statement had Starlight baffled as she looked back at her audience. “What the hay is that even supposed to mean? You’re talking about proposals that might have an overwhelming impact on Equestrian Society and the world. You can’t talk about it like the teaser for the next Daring Do novel that’s at the back of the one you just finished reading,” The image of ‘Daring Do and the Sapphire Stone’ was now on screen as Starlight now began to pretend like she was a narrator of a book. “‘What exciting thrills, ancient secrets and adventures await Daring Do? Find out in the next book to the ongoing series, coming soon! How soon? …… You’ll find out.’”

More of her audience laughed at that tidbit as Starlight let out a small sigh. “The reason why the nobles don’t really share anything about their plans is that based on their reactions to those questions, they have no plans at all. They don’t have anything solid and concrete and will do anything in order to make themselves look like they know what they’re doing and they listen to whoever they read about in the newspaper or see in a show. If they were listening to Vixen News, they would go full steam ahead. If they were reading from the Canterlot Times, they would try to pump the brakes, and if they were looking at a products magazine, they’ll end up buying a bunch of jewelry.”

A new image, this time showing Spoiled Rich and a few of the nobles that were recently mentioned in the last clip, were now shown holding a ‘Noble Jewelry Party’ inside a room and made it look like it was a celebration for a birthday. All while Spoiled had a tiara on her head. Which was seen for a few moments and got another chuckle out of the audience, shortly before working her way back around to the main subject.

“And that reckless impulsivity that I had mentioned was on full display over the course of last week. First, it was attacking the investigation that was announced and trying to influence those who are involved, which qualifies as obstruction as justice. Then there was the fact that they were all set to go on a plan involving the trade proposal, but immediately had to withdraw that plan after Number Cruncher, the trade guy who credibility is ‘imaginary’, not only embarrassed himself, but has been labeled as a pony of interest to the investigation. I can go on and on all night about the numerous mishaps over the course of the week, but many of these plans, and their explanations for it summarize who they are in a nutshell,” Starlight continued to explain to her audience. “They make it genuinely difficult for you to focus on the fact that they almost did something disastrous and outright illegal as well as the fact that they probably did not have somepony check their grammar because of how quickly they released these statements.”

“This is the most recent statement that was made by Spoiled Rich. ‘After careful consideration, we have collectedly decided to withdraw our proposal for a FARE trade policy that puts our country first. We can’t do that when we have DIO breathing down our necks.”

Several members in the audience giggled and snickered at the grammar mistakes, especially considering that Spoiled Rich was supposedly supposed to be somepony that was well educated for her position. “Ms. Rich, first of all, it’s collectively. Collectedly sounds more like you were rounding up everypony that has the word ‘ly’ in their name,” The next image was a bunch of ponies in a pulled wagon with a sign that said ‘ly’ on it. “Secondly, the word fair is supposed to mean honesty, generosity and being civil. What she used in that statement is another word that refers to fee’s as well as having a secondary definition for a range of food for a particular type,” That was followed by showing the dictionary page of the word ‘fare’ on screen before looking back at her audience. “So in all honesty, we can’t tell if she’s trying to do an honest deal or if she’s trying to make a deal in the food industry.”

The crowd began to laugh uncontrollably at the next image, which showed Spoiled Rich in a set of overalls and having to work on a farm alongside that of the Apple Family as Granny Smith and Apple Bloom were watching. Hilarious to the point that Starlight felt the need to keep it up a little bit longer, before continuing with her next statement. “And third, the organization investigating you is named RIO. DIO is the name of a villainous vampire in a manga series from Sunset’s world that’s most prominently known for this.”

“ZA WARUDO!! TOKI WO TOMARE!!!”

That had her audience laugh a small bit, yet a lot of her audience was just as confused as Starlight was, which had the unicorn blink a few times before looking back at her audience. “Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t know where Discord gets a lot of these things,” The unicorn shrugged her shoulders and held her hooves up in the air, before putting her forelegs back on the desk and continuing to speak.

“While it might be good that the nobles stopped the deal that they were going to propose, it doesn’t mean that you can claim credit for solving the problems that you created and shower yourself with praise. A statement that was pushed furthermore while Princess Twilight Sparkle was covering for both Celestia and Luna while they were on their royal holiday.”

“Do you think that the nobles decision to call off their proposal was the right one?”

“Well, you see… It’s like some creature decides to set fire to wooden box full of paper and then putting it out themselves. They helped create the problem in the first place and then try to make it look like they were the ones who solved it. It’s preposterous, especially when the statements they put in this bill don’t actually reflect the truth.”

“Sure, yet, this was only a limited proposal.”

“Oh, right, I’m sor-ry. I just didn’t know that you could be able to legally make it harder for creatures to buy essential goods that they need in order to be able to thrive. That’s not a proposal. That’s an act of deceit on a grand scale and a criminal offense.”

“And you gotta admit, she’s right. Although, I personally don’t think it was necessary to use the Starswirl brand of sarcasm right there,” The image of Starswirl ‘eyeballing’ Twilight was now seen on screen as Starlight looked at it for a moment. “I think he can mostly do that himself.”

Now that she got that out of the way, Starlight went back to where she went off. “The evidence provided so far as well as their actions and the fact that they aren’t stopping what they are doing in light of the announcement for the investigation makes it all the more apparent that they have no idea as to the consequences of everything. Especially since many ponies on the team of the mare in charge, royal prosecutor and former head of RIO Lauren Order, was placed in charge. She has already called upon several important figures in order to interview them and some prominent names have already agreed to do so, like Prince Blueblood, Fancy Pants, Fleur De Lis and Filthy Rich. Which is very brave of them. Yet, it does not help that the nobles themselves don’t know what to do because some of them have released statements attacking the ponies who agreed to testify and calling them traitors.”

Hearing that had a few members in the crowd murmur to themselves for a moment, shortly before Starlight added on a bit more. “I don’t know about you, but I find that both ironic and stupid at the same time. Stupid in the sense that those ponies from RIO would probably like to have a word with you about your conduct… and ironic considering the way that they’re wanting to have Equestria remain the same and not change with the times makes them look like the bad guy, not Blueblood and the others,” She added on. “If Grogar were wanting to recruit any creature for his league of villains, he would have most of the nobles be potential candidates and treat it as if it were a job interview.”

The next picture consisted of Grogar, Tirek, Chrysalis and Cozy Glow standing behind a table while a line of ponies was in front of them. All with the desk stand that read ‘Villainous Opportunities- Now Hiring’ on the stone surface of what Grogar might call a ‘desk’. Which, was even more incentive for her audience to laugh as she attempted to impersonate Queen Chrysalis. “‘Let’s see here… Hatred for society, wants to crumble it from within… likes kite flying? That rules you out. NEXT!!’”This part, from the sounds of the crowd, was especially a hit considering that they were using Grogar, who was only revealed to the public in last weeks episode with Discord, and finding a way to make fun of him.

With that though, Starlight took the chance to address something else as she looked back at the audience. “The fact that the four ponies I mentioned earlier are agreeing to share everything that they know is courageous of them because they’re not doing it out of saving or protecting their reputation, they’re doing it because every creature has a right to know what’s going on. It’s a big step forward, including for Blueblood, who has been hard at work trying to change his image and show that he’s a better stallion that what every creature once thought of him several years ago. Because this investigation is not about trying to get a political advantage of any sort. It’s about trying to find the truth. Something that the nobles might describe as make believe. Only time will tell if this investigation leads to legal action, but one thing’s for sure. If a verdict is reached…”

“You’ll find out.”

That final comparison was met with a smile from Starlight as she looked back at her audience, who were giving one last final cheer and applause for her. “And with that, this has been ‘A Closer Look’.”

Next Morning

“STARLIGHT GLIMMER DECIDED TO DO WHAT?!!!”

Out of all the things that Tirek would wake up too, hearing the roaring screams of an angered changeling queen was one that had not happened until now. Grogar was out of the hideout for the next couple of days, leaving the three ‘frenemies’ to themselves and to not do anything too rambunctious while he was gone.

Of course, when he trotted out of the room he slept in towards where he saw both the former changeling queen and Cozy Glow sitting by the small ‘tv’ that was now theres after Discord did something about Grogar last week. And what they were talking about was not anything he expected. “Chryssy, it was just for a few seconds. Golly, are you really that upset just because Ms. Glimmy impersonated you.”

“That wasn’t an impersonation! That was DEFAMATION!!”

“Isn’t that what you did when you turned into other ponies?” The question from the pegasus filly had Tirek blink a bit. It was too early in the morning for them to be getting into petty arguments like this. “Besides, what’s so harmful about some ponies just joking around? Laughter helps keeps every creature’s spirits up.”

“What? Is that something that Pinkie Pie taught you!?” The former changeling queen remarked.

“Why yes actually, it is.”

“That explains a lot…” The centaur thought to himself as he decided to step outside to get some fresh air. Of course, as he was doing that, he still heard the sounds of both the queen and the filly arguing to themselves.

“What’s the matter with just a little bit of humor? It’s not like they’re intentionally doing it to harm any creature on purpose.”

“That’s not the point!! The point is that they could possibly make up anything and whoever is listening to them could believe it. By my old hive, I swear that they would believe them is they say that I accepted love in more than one format, you’re a child of anarchy and Tirek’s brother haunts him to this day!!”

“Pfft… like that’s likely going to happen…” Tirek mumbled as he closed his eyes. Trying to clear his mind for a bit and block out the voices of the filly and changeling. Unknowingly though… he found himself hearing someone else entirely.

“Tirek……Tiiiiiiiiirek…… Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirek!!”

“W-what?” Tirek opened his eyes, looking around for a moment to find himself in the same place as before. But just as he looked up, he found one thing that he never thought he would see… or matter of fact, was possible.

His brother, Scorpan… as a ghost… floating about his head. “I’m haunting you!”

“AAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

GHOST SCORPAN!!