I don't know how long I've been here. But it's been a long time, and I don't mean like it's taking forever for the party to start. I can get over that easy. I mean long time as in when you didn't get enough fiber, and you know, you're very sad because your butt hurts. I mean whose butt wouldn't hurt if going to the bathroom constipated felt like giving birth to a whale. That'd be all fine and dandy if anything came out, even if it was a raisin-sized nugget. But I've been here for a long time. And, I still don't see a raisin-sized nugget!
I'm not feeling well. I keep trying to smile, but I've smiled myself half to death out on this island! There's nothing left to smile for. I can't get home. I don't know why. Why am I stuck? Is it because I'm tired from starvation? Well, um, that's a very good reason. Or is it some author's plot device to make me miserable right now? Wow, that's depressing. Is that what this is?
Am I, Pinkie Pie, destined to die here like this? Slowly? With out cake? Seriously! What kind of death is a death without cake. Ugh! I don't feel so well. There's the remains of my boat.
Well, there's not much left to speak of. I mean there's the steering wheel thingy, the scrap of sail that I used as a blanket, and then there's that creepy bobble head. It didn't make good company. That, and I threw it in the ocean because it was creepy. I probably shouldn't have thrown that bobble head away. It gets real lonely. I mean, on an island that only has fifty square feet of space, who else would there be.
I'm so lonely.
This sucks!
I'm so bored and with no way of escape, I guess I gotta do this. I had some sun rotten rope I saved. I don't know what I saved it for, but I knew it would come in handy! It made a pretty good noose.
You would not believe how hard it was to set up that noose. Goodness, that's why I'm a baker for crying out loud! But, anyway. I found a nice miserable looking cooler that washed up on shore. There was no cake in it. Jerks. Who loses a cooler without food in it? Not even a little cheesecake square. But yeah. I was going to jump off of this thing with the noose around my neck. I never knew death was so hard.
So, yeah. Yep. There I was stranded on an island, getting ready to kick the bucket. You know, I thought in the moment before I died, I would see my life flash before my eyes and I'd see wonderful things. But all I saw was barren ocean. Figures. So I jumped. But, I was stupid. I realized that I made the noose too long. So get this, I land on all four hooves with the noose barely tickled my neck. Parasprites! Couldn't seem to do anything right.
My hair felt flat. It could have been the sea water. Well it was probably in my hair, and I might have drank some.
Have you ever imagined what music might play if your life story had a soundtrack?
Da da dae, da da duh dae.
I'm gonna die. Because I am high!
But then I saw her. She was just floating there in the tide. At first I thought it was the salt water talking, but I heard this funny sounding sound come from her and I realized she wasn't a hallucination. In my excitement I ran full gallop towards this mare I saw floating in the water.
Stupid, stupid, stupidity to the max. The noose was still around my neck!
I choked, and when I fell backwards, I continued to choke because the noose didn't reach that far. To my surprise the noose snapped and I hit my head on the stupid cooler!
Curse you writer, but I'll take that.
Anyway I got over it and rushed to the mare floating in the water. The rainbow mane and sky blue fur was unmistakable. It was Rainbow Dash! I looked her over. There didn't seem to be any injuries that I could see, and her eyes were open. Well, one was open all the way and the other was kinda scrunched up, but it was still open. I tried to wake her up but she wouldn't budge. I pressed my ear to her chest and tried to listen for a heart beat.
There was this low rumbling like her tummy was telling me it was hungry. Then it happened. She tooted. She up and farted! I think that was the first time I saw, well heard, a mare fart like that. It was so odd.
Now I was really depressed at this point. I failed at ending my misery, and just when I thought someone who could rescue me shows up, it turns out she's dead. And, I knew her. Triple sad. I was upset. I didn't want to see her anymore. I started rolling her into the water. Maybe she'd float back to the main land.
Then something started happening. Rainbow's body started to shake and, ugh, she was tooting again. Her toots were bubbling up through the water. It was so freaky! I tipped her over again and she started moving for crying out loud! I chased after her to keep up. It seemed the further out she got the faster she was going.
I finally grabbed onto her one wings. Big mistake. She started zooming around in circles, dragging me along! As soon as I let go, her body flipped over and stayed there as bubbles kept floating up. I saw that we were quite a ways from the shore, it was then that an idea popped into my head. It was fucking crazy, but I'm pretty sure it was better than doing nothing.
I flipped Rainbow's body over and grabbed both of her wings. I almost fell off because we were already moving. But, I gripped both of her wings as best as I could and sat on her back. When I yanked on one wing we moved that direction. When I yanked on the other wing, we went the other direction. I looked behind and saw how far we had gone. The island was getting smaller. There was no going back.
I yanked on both of Rainbow's wings and instantaneously we zoomed onward. The wind felt amazing as it rushed past my face! I felt amazing as I rode Rainbow like a jet ski. That probably sounds weird. And it is, but wait until you hear the rest of it.
