Nock One Up

Chapters

Introduction and Intercourse
The RSI
It’ll Probably Be Okay
An (Unbearably) Sunny Day
Always Knock First
At Least It’s Better Than a Harem
Baby It's Cold Outside

Introduction and Intercourse

A certain smell hung in the air.

Most ponies would call it “spring”—blooming flowers, fresh air, and amorous feelings—but Celestia couldn’t care less what ponies called it, she just wanted it to go away. As she conducted the Royal Court from her throne, listening to yet another love-struck couple asking for her marriage blessing, the stench of emotion and hormones filled the room. The scent wafted throughout the castle, thanks in no small part to the servants opening all of the castle’s windows. It was spring, and more specifically, it was a week after Hearts and Hooves Day.

“May your marriage be prosperous, fruitful, and above all, joyful.”

“Th-thank you so much, Princess! W-we-we’re honored,” the stallion stammered as he was escorted out of the room with his fiancé.

“Royal Court is adjourned! If you still wish to speak with Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, you may…”

The pony droned on, but Celesta’s mind drifted off. That was the thirty-sixth couple today, and she would undoubtedly encounter more tomorrow.

She rose from her throne and gracefully strolled to the private chambers behind the throne room. There, she shed her regalia, approached the sink, and sighed as she dipped her hooves in the cool water from the running faucet. The Sun Princess’s crown fell onto its holder with the help of her magic, and Celestia slowly rubbed her face while staring at her reflection in the mirror.

She tried to make her best cute, pouty face. It was passable.

It had been a long time since her last suitor, and even longer since her last lover. For the past few centuries, her little ponies had seen her more as a god than a pony, let alone a romantic prospect. Of course, this was a ridiculous notion—she was no more heavenly than angel food cake—but she had already tried to dispel the myths. Ponies will believe what ponies will believe.

Normally, it didn’t bother her, but a solid week surrounded by lovey-dovey ponies does things to a “happily single” mare. Hearts and Hooves Day celebrates the bonds between lovers, but Celestia had no one to celebrate it with. Hearts and Hooves Day held no flowers for her, no box of chocolates, no romantic dinners, and no “nighttime activities.”

She blushed profusely at that thought.

The castle didn’t generally celebrate the holiday other than through small, informal gatherings organized by the staff. Celestia was almost certain this was for her and Luna’s benefit, and she greatly appreciated it—but the stream of couples visiting the castle afterward was insufferable. And as much as she wanted to gag each time one of them entered, she couldn’t help but feel a pang of envy.

In the first centuries after Nightmare Moon’s banishment, Celestia indulged a couple trysts here and there, and even a few genuine romances, but those had long since passed. Now, the only pony still with her was that lonely old nag in the mirror.

“Celly! Why the buck does the castle not have any chocolate?”

“And Luna,” Celestia thought as she sighed.

“I don’t know, Luna. Have you asked any of the kitchen staff?” she said, trying to keep her tone even.

Her Sister had caught up with the times remarkably fast; however, she had also picked up on some… unbecoming mannerisms along the way. Celestia overlooked Luna’s less desirable habits as long as she could behave herself in public—which, thankfully, she did for the most part.

Luna trotted through the chamber’s other doorway with a plain brown box full of what Celestia could only imagine was enough sugar and calories to kill two full grown ponies.

“Ah, they said something about Hearts and Hooves Day, but that was a week ago. They should have already received another shipment by now. I had to run to a convenience store on the other side of Canterlot just to find some.”

With the chocolate gripped in her magic, Luna flopped onto a couch on the opposite side of the room before unwrapping a candy bar and chomping down hungrily. “Mwant some?” she asked between bites.

“Thank you, but no thank you, Sister,” Celestia replied. “I think our nutritionist would throw a fit if I ate any more sugar today.”

“Bah, all these new ponies are so troublesome—nutritionists, fitness coaches, fashion consultants,” Luna said as she twirled her chocolate bar around. “When did paying other ponies to discourage you from having fun become a thing?”

“About fifty years ago. Besides, they mean well, Luna, and you ought to take their advice. Encouraging our little ponies to develop healthy lifestyle habits begins with us.”

“Ugh, if you care about the health of Equestria, we should just reinstate the military draft. You should see how ‘healthy’ this new batch of Royal Guards is,” Luna said with a wink. “If you know what I mean.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes, Luna. Yes, I know what you mean. What I don’t know is how you think those are appropriate thoughts for a Princess of Equestria.”

“Oh come on,” Luna said incredulously. “Maybe you can’t get any action, but that doesn’t mean you can force an oath of celibacy on the rest of us.

“I am not forcing, nor have I ever forced celiba—wait, what do you mean?”

“Well, I saw this one earth pony—ooh, he was hot, let me tell you. So, I was thinking that—”

“No, no,” Celestia interjected. “The part about how I ‘can’t get any action.’ I can most certainly ‘get action,’ but I believe that developing proper relationships is far more important than just hooking up with the first stallion I can get into my bed.”

“More like drag into your bed,” Luna retorted.

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” Luna said nonchalantly as she rose from the sofa. “It’s just that, you see, I remember your plot being much more shapely one thousand years ago. Must have grown a bit from all that cake.”

Celestia glared.

Luna flashed a quick grin at her Sister. “Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s a stallion out there who’s into that sort of thing.”

Celestia scowled.

“I mean, probably. You’d be amazed by the fetishes I see in ponies’ dreams.” Luna paused for a moment to smirk. “I’m sure ‘smothered to death by bloated Sun Princess’ is somepony’s kink.”

Celestia breathed in deeply before speaking. “Oh, really? That’s good. Then there must also be somepony into smutty emo-princesses who snore, too.”

Luna gaped at Celestia as she gave a smirk of her own.

“All right then,” Luna said as she collected herself. “No need to demean ourselves any further with petty insults and false accusations.”

“Quite right,” Celestia said coldly. “We’ll settle this like adults.”

“We have a question of the utmost importance for you, Captain,” Celestia said with a deadly serious edge in her voice.

“Yes, Your Highnesses?” Captain Bronze Lance’s back straightened as he focused intently on the Princesses. “Ask anything of me.”

Luna drew in close. “This conversation is off the record, and it will not leave this room. Is that understood, soldier?”

“Of course, Princess,” said Bronze.

“Bad things happen to ponies with loose lips, Captain.” Luna said as she loomed over the Royal Guard captain menacingly. “Nightmares are especially common among those with careless tongues.”

Celestia nodded solemnly.

“I… I understand Princess,” Captain Lance said nervously.

“Good. Now,” Luna said as she turned to Celestia.

“Who is the most eligible bachelor in the Royal Guard?”

“…What?”

“Who is the most eligible bachelor in the Royal Guard?” Celestia repeated.

“I-I don’t… Why—”

“You don’t need to know why, Captain, you just need to know who,” Luna interjected.

Bronze Lance bounced his eyes between the Sisters, dumbstruck, while Celestia and Luna stared at him expectantly.

“Uh, well, Lieutenant Ironhoof recently got back into the dating game, and there’s always Private Flash Sentry.”

“Those are the most desirable stallions the Royal Guard can produce?” Luna said with a hint of disgust.

“Nnnooo?” Bronze responded hesitantly.

“Do we no longer enlist fetching young stallions? Surely there must be one among the recent academy graduates,” said Celestia.

Increasingly unnerved, Bronze replied, “Well, I know some of the maids have been staring at one of the new rookies.”

“And why have they been staring at him, Captain Lance?” Celestia asked.

“Well, I’m not really the best judge of—”

“Why have they been staring, Captain?” Celestia interjected irritably.

“It wouldn’t be appropria—“

“Yes, Captain, I would like to know as well,” Luna said as she locked her eyes on the stallion.

Bronze stared ahead blankly while his hooves shook beneath him. “He earned top marks in the academy; he has a stellar record,” he replied anxiously.

The Sisters’ gaze lingered on the Captain Bronze Lance, probing him for more information.

“And?” Celestia said.

“Very desirable,” he said nervously. “Very single.”

“And?” Luna pressed. “You haven’t answered our question, Captain.”

Silence dominated the room. Sweat dripped from the guard captain’s quivering features, and as Celestia and Luna leaned forward, his face blanched.

“He has a nice plot.”

Slowly, the Princesses turned to each other. “Bring us his report.”

Small, bright embers flew wistfully out from the fireplace in Celestia’s bedroom as the sun lowered behind the mountains of Canterlot, painting the skies with shades of pink and orange.

“Is this a proper representative sample, though?” Celestia asked from her spot near her bedchamber’s fireplace.

“Would you prefer to put out a poll in the Equestria Enquirer?” Luna replied from the balcony.

“Oh my gods, no.” Celestia replied, shuddering at the thought. “But is asking one stallion about who he would rather… Come to think of it, what will we ask him?

“I guess we haven’t thought about that yet.” Luna put a hoof to her chin. “Which one of us is hotter?”

“Really?” Celestia threw up her hooves. “Sun Princess.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine. Whether he prefers young, shapely princesses or ancient, gluttonous princesses.” She faced away from Celestia, but Luna could feel her Sister’s ire directed toward her.

“Yes, and perhaps, afterward, we can ask if he prefers crude, foalish princesses or kindhearted, mature princesses,” Celestia retorted.

“Well, we could just ask who he’d prefer to sleep with,” Luna suggested.

“And you don’t think that two of Equestria’s most powerful beings standing over him—asking him which one of them he would rather buck—won’t be the least bit intimidating?”

“One thousand years ago, our advances were considered a great honor,” Luna replied indignantly. “He ought to be flattered.”

“Yes, Lulu, but he won’t be.” Celestia sighed. “He’ll be anxious, confused, and terrified. We couldn’t possibly get a straight answer out of him that way.”

Behind Celestia, the fireplace glowed with heat and light as darkness began to envelop Equestria. Luna guided the stars into place while she stood out on the balcony, the moon slowly rising into position. Between the two Sisters sat the report of the Royal Guard’s most eligible bachelor.

“Ugh, what is asking him even going to prove?” Luna groaned. “How can we know what’s running through that stallion’s mind when he answers?”

“What goes through the minds of stallions is a mystery not even Clover the Clever could solve,” Celestia mused.

“I think,” a devious smile spread across Luna’s face, “we should just do it.”

“Do what?”

“Do it.”

“I don’t understand. Do wha—” realization struck Celestia. “No. No, Luna, we are not—”

“You said that you can still get some action, right? Why not prove it?”

“Luna, are you suggesting we compete to seduce a stallion?”

“More or less,” Luna replied flatly.

“Really?” Celestia asked incredulously. “Use some innocent, oblivious stallion to prove that one of us is more enticing than the other?”

“I don’t think he would object,” said Luna.

“That’s beside the point.” Celestia blushed. “It’s distasteful.”

“So?”

“It’s immoral.”

“Because?”

“It. Is. Wrong,” Celestia said slowly. “We would be toying with his emotions. Think, Luna. Asking a stallion about it is one thing, but actually having sex? How devastated will he be when he finds out that we were only interested in him because of a bet?”

“What if it wasn’t just because of a bet?” Luna slowly walked into the room, shutting the balcony doors behind her. Staring off to her side, she muttered, “It’s been a while for both of us, Celly.”

“Yes.” Celestia thought back to the last time she felt a lover’s embrace; she didn’t want to count the centuries. “However, that doesn’t—”

“You know as well as I do about all the trysts that happen inside the castle,” Luna continued pleadingly. “What’s one more?”

“No, Luna.”

“Besides, when was your last roll in the hay?” Luna said with a knowing grin.

“That’s private information.” Celestia looked away from Luna hurriedly, and directly at the folder containing the guard’s report—just in time to see a photo levitate out.

Crouching behind her, Luna brought the photo mere inches away as she whispered directly into Celestia’s ear. “Well, the next one certainly won’t be with him. It looks like I’ll have him all to myself.”

Luna couldn’t see Celestia stare longingly into the photograph, but she knew what was happening. Hunched over her older Sister, Luna could almost swear she heard Celestia’s heart begin to race.

She didn’t move as Celestia craned her neck to look back at her. “Really, Lulu?”

“Really,” Luna replied.

“Oh, we’ll see about that, Moonbutt.”

Author's Note

Hello, I hope you've enjoyed the first chapter of Nock One Up! Please note that this story is intended to be an ongoing series of mishaps and misadventures without an ending. I'm aware that many of you refuse to read a story until it's marked complete, but please consider breaking this rule. Otherwise, you'll never get to see what shenanigans the Princesses have in store! :trollestia:

The RSI

“Move your fat plot out of the way already; I want a peek too,” Luna whispered.

“Older sister privilege,” Celestia replied.

“Oh, come on! You’ve stared long enough. It’s my turn now.”

“Shush, he’ll hear us. Besides, if you’re so impatient, then go get your own bush,” whispered Celestia.

“But I was the one who found this bush!” Luna said.

“Luna, why can’t you—”

“Your Highnesses, may I be of… assistance?”

Slowly, Celestia and Luna turned around.

“Perhaps I could suggest a more suitable bush for your, uh… needs,” said the dirt-covered pegasus mare. “Wha-whatever they are.”

With her torso half-buried in the bush, Celestia replied, “Thank you, my little pony, but this bush is perfect for our…”

The Sisters quickly shared a glance before Luna continued, “Royal Shrub Inspection.”

“Yes,” Celestia agreed. “Princess Luna and I are nearly done with our yearly Royal Shrub Inspection, or RSI for short. It’s going very well.”

“Very well,” Luna repeated.

“You are one of the castle gardeners, correct?” Celestia asked.

“Uh, yes, Your Highness,” the gardener replied uncertainly.

“Well then, you should be very proud. This is by far the best RSI we’ve ever done. Keep up the good work!”

“Th-thank you, Princess, I’ll make sure to tell the others. But I don’t remember—”

“Please,” Celestia interrupted. “Don’t let us distract you from your duties; we’ll be finished soon.”

“Oh… O-okay, Princess,” said the mare as she bowed and awkwardly trotted away.

When she had traveled out of earshot, the Sisters sighed and returned to their voyeurism. The castle gardens lay sprawled out before them on this warm spring afternoon, but they took no interest in them today. Budding trees and blooming flowers only obscured their view. Beyond all the vegetation, the Royal Guard’s most eligible bachelor patrolled the area, and from their hiding place, Celestia and Luna could see his entire patrol route.

As they resettled into their positions, Celestia reluctantly ceded the bush’s prime vantage point to Luna.

“Finally,” Luna said as Celestia rolled her eyes. “Wait, where is he?”

“He must be there, Luna. Keep looking.” Celestia answered as she rested her head on a hoof. Despite being on the moon for one thousand years, Celestia still thought Luna could learn more about patience. Granted, after seeing this stallion for herself, Celestia could understand her Sister’s eagerness.

His features were fairly plain—pale blue coat, two-tone brown mane and tail, and yellow eyes—but, dear gods, his physical condition. Toned muscles, healthy fur, piercing gaze, neatly preened wings—Celestia blushed at the thought of him.

“Nope,” Luna reaffirmed. “Definitely not there. Is he on a bathroom break?”

“Unlikely,” Celestia replied. “They’re trained to go for hours without breaks. If there isn’t another guard to cover for them, they won’t leave their position. I once saw a stallion pee in a flower vase just so that he wouldn’t have to leave his post unguarded.”

“Then where is he?” Luna asked anxiously. “Also, that’s disgusting.”

“Luna, one of the gardeners probably just needed his help lifting something heavy,” Celestia said as she plucked a patch of grass, gently tossed it upwards, and watched it float back down to the ground. “The changing of the guard isn’t for another three hours; he’ll be back.”

Princess Luna’s searching gaze scoured every bit of movement and shadow in the garden to no avail. Small critters danced between trees and darted between flower bushes, but it seemed that not a single pony roamed the garden.

After a few minutes spent without seeing a single pony, let alone the one she actually wanted to see, restlessness overcame Luna. She had resigned herself to waiting for him, but her wings itched and limbs begged to be moved. Luna fidgeted and squirmed—accidentally pushing and prodding her Sister. Each time, Celestia gave an annoyed glance in response, but all of them went unnoticed.

“Oooh, I can’t take this anymore,” Luna whined.

“Neither can I,” Celestia said irritably as she stood up. “Sister, you are exhibiting the patience of a filly, and despite the many rumors, I am neither a mother nor a babysitter. If you can’t wait like a grown mare, then I see no reason to remain here. I’ll be in the castle if you need me.”

“Would you like me to escort you back to the palace, Your Highness?”

Once again, the Princesses slowly turned their heads towards the unexpected, unfamiliar voice, but they didn’t dare speak.

“After untangling a squirrel from one of the gardeners’ manes, Rosewing came by to inform me that you were in the middle of your RSI and that I should assist you in any way possible,” said the guard.

The guard. Him.

“Uhyeswewhereumwhatyouhow,” Celestia and Luna furiously stammered over each other, desperately trying to keep their eyes from bulging out in surprise.

Unfazed, the guard continued staring ahead stoically. “Forgive me, your Highnesses, but I can’t understand either of you if you speak simultaneously.”

The Sisters hurriedly glanced at each other, then to the stallion, and then back to each other.

Flaring her wings, Celestia displayed her impressive wingspan—a trait pegasi found very seductive if she recalled—and obscured Luna from his view. “Would you please escort me back to the castle hall? Luna will remain here while she finishes her report for the Royal Shrub Inspection.”

“Wait, I will also mphm—”

Celestia forcefully covered her Sister’s face with a wing, successfully muffling her cries of objection and pushing her back into the bush.

“Of course, Princess Celestia,” the guard replied. “Please, right this way.”

Feeling quite smug, Celestia gracefully strode towards the castle with a smirk on her face as she looked back to see Luna utterly dumbfounded by what had just transpired. While she was still splayed out in a bush, Celestia was walking off with a hot stallion.

Turning back to her escort, Celestia considered what to do next. She already knew his name—why, she already knew his entire record—but reciting everything from his file back to him and then inviting him into bed was hardly a way to introduce herself.

“My little pony, tell me, what is your name?” Celestia asked.

“Private Long Arrow, Your Highness.”

“And when did you graduate from the academy, Private Long Arrow?”

“About two months ago.”

“Then, you were stationed at the castle?”

“By the recommendation of my superiors, yes.”

Weaving through the lush foliage, Celestia led the way to the castle with practiced ease. Long Arrow trotted confidently but calmly alongside her, easily matching her pace. For a stallion of his age, he seemed unusually collected, considering the situation. Celestia supposed it came with his training, but she didn’t recall the other guards displaying such composure around her. Most were either terrified that they would make a mistake, or so sure of themselves that they did end up making a mistake.

“They must have been very pleased with you,” Celestia said as they walked up the castle steps. They were never pleased with graduates. Never. How he had so impressed his senior officers was beyond her—that is, unless they were all attracted to stallions. “Most guards serve for years before they are offered a—”

“Private!?” screamed a gruff voice, startling Celestia.

“Sir!” Long Arrow yelled in response as he snapped to attention.

“Private! Who authorized you to leave your post?” demanded a gray unicorn wearing a general’s outfit. “Why have you left your station unguarded?”

“Rosewing informed me that the Princesses were in the middle of their RSI and recommended that I assist them, Sir!” Arrow replied, stone-faced. “Private Cloudy Seas is currently guarding my sector. He prefers a stationary position in the fountain. Claims that it heightens his senses, something about being the great-grandson of a seapony, Sir.”

“I see.” The general stared him down, thoroughly scrutinizing every last detail of the private. He neared Arrow’s face, blowing hot breaths from his nose onto the stallion, and watched for any indications of fear or anxiety. Craning his neck to the side, he examined Long Arrow’s armor, looking for any scuff marks or tarnishing. Afterward, he circled around the private, intensely glaring at him the entire time. Seemingly satisfied, the unicorn stepped back and nodded. “I’ll escort Princess Celestia from here, Private. Dismissed.”

Just as stoically as before, Long Arrow saluted the general and marched back into the garden. Without looking back, he continued into the distance, eventually disappearing behind a tree on the way to his patrol route.

Sighing, Celestia allowed her shoulders to slouch ever so slightly. “Playing Royal Guard, Luna? Are you aware that impersonating a guard is a criminal offense?”

“As is assaulting a Princess of Equestria, Sister,” Luna replied in her own voice.

“A gentle nudge is not assault, Lulu,” Celestia retorted dismissively.

Allowing her illusion spell to fade away, Luna flashed an unamused look at Celestia and rolled her eyes. Ignoring her Sister’s irritation completely, Celestia turned back to face the castle and began strolling towards its entrance, with Luna joining her shortly after. They passed beyond the large double doors leading into the castle and meandered through its hallways.

“Well, what did you think of him?” Luna asked as they wandered an empty corridor.

“He seems nice,” Celestia replied.

“Celly, we’re not looking for nice,” Luna said.

“Just because we’re more interested in his plot than his personality doesn’t mean he can’t have both, Lulu,” Celestia jokingly scolded. “He’s allowed to be a nice stallion.”

“Fine. He can be a nice stallion, as long as he’s nasty in bed,” Luna said playfully.

Shaking her head back and forth slowly, Celestia replied, “You’re incorrigible,” as the pair neared a tall staircase.

Luna halfheartedly tried to hide a smirk from Celestia as they began trotting up the stairs, but Celestia could see the corners of her mouth curling upwards. Together, they ascended the stairs in silence until they reached the top of one of the castle’s larger spires. Once there, they were greeted by sunshine pouring in from the balcony doors and warm, stuffy air.

Throwing up the doors, Luna stepped onto the balcony and took a breath of the fresh air while Celestia quietly surveyed the room.

A table stood low to the floor in the center of the room, haphazardly surrounded by dozens of pillows. Everything was disheveled, disorganized, and covered in a layer of pillow feathers and candy bar wrappers; the only semblance of order in the room was a pyramid of empty ice cream cartons left on the table.

Celestia couldn’t remember when she and Luna had been up here last, but clearly, they must have had a good time. She cantered over to a large dresser sitting against the opposite wall and inspected the runes carved on its drawers.

Out on the balcony, Luna peered through a telescope. Originally, she had set it up with the intention of stargazing, but as she had recently found out, it had better uses. Like staring at hot stallions. From here, she could once again see Long Arrow faithfully patrolling the garden and working those sexy flanks. Those, sexy, sexy fla—

Luna jolted from a sudden icy touch on her shoulder. With two cold glasses gripped in her magic and an expectant look on her face, Celestia motioned for her to take a drink.

“Isn’t it a bit early for alcohol?” Luna said with a devious grin as she accepted the drink.

“As if that’s ever stopped you before,” Celestia replied teasingly. “Regardless, celebration is in order. We’ve officially made first contact.”

“You made first contact,” Luna deadpanned. “I sat in a bush.”

“Details, details. Besides, you got a good, close look at him while you were parading around in that Royal Guard disguise.” Celestia leaned towards Luna to cast her a dirty look. “A little too close if you ask me.”

“Jealous, Celly?” Luna snickered.

Celestia returned her head and neck to their upright position. “Oh, never,” she said, putting on her best pompous Canterlot noble impression. “After all, he did ever so politely escort me back to the castle, and we spoke of many things together along the way.”

“Like how you memorized his Royal Guard file?” Luna quipped.

Celestia rolled her eyes and trotted back into the room with her drink. “I didn’t get that far,” she replied in her natural voice. “Unfortunately, somepony interrupted us.”

“Aw, what a shame,” Luna said sarcastically. Setting her drink down on the balcony’s railing, she peered through the telescope once more.

Inside the room, Celestia took another long look at the mess surrounding her. The room—disaster zone, really—didn’t have a square foot of clean floor space, and upon further inspection, she noticed stains covering the ceiling and walls. It simply wouldn’t do. With a bit of magic, Celestia faded the garbage from existence, along with the stains speckling the walls and ceiling, and rearranged the pillows into an orderly circle around the table.

Celestia considered it a cruel trick of the universe that proper cleaning spells were so hard for most unicorns to cast. If the maids ever found out that they could be replaced by one spell from Celestia, they’d almost certainly live in constant fear of losing their jobs. Staffing the castle with maids kept ponies employed and happy and ensured that the palace was always welcoming.

“Hmm, just what kind of pony are you, Long Arrow?” Luna mused from the balcony. “Celly, what do you think? Strict authoritarian, or aloof loner?”

“I don’t know,” said Celestia as she flopped down onto a pillow contentedly. “He seems more like that ‘stallion next door’ type to me. I… I kind of like it,” Celestia giggled.

“Oh, you mean like the ones from Playmares?” Luna said with an excited grin.

“No!” Celestia shot Luna a glare. “No, like an honest, sweet, all-around good pony.”

“Mhmm.”

Celestia looked outside to see Luna lightly drooling on the balcony. “Stop thinking about the centerfolds in Playmares, Luna.” After rolling onto her side and sighing, she continued, “Do you have to make this awkward?”

“I don’t see what’s awkward about it,” Luna replied while using a hoof to wipe away some saliva hanging from her mouth. “We’re just peeping on one of our guards while planning to seduce him and fantasizing about what it’s going to be like to have… sex… with…” Luna paused to look at Celestia, whose head was lying sideways on the floor with the blankest expression Luna had ever seen. “…This is really creepy, isn’t it?”

Celestia nodded.

“Rules?”

“Yes, Luna, rules,” Celestia replied.

The Two Sisters sat comfortably on pillows beside each other. At the table in front of them, an inkwell, a quill pen, and a blank scroll rested.

“What happened to ‘all’s fair in love and war’?” Luna asked sarcastically.

“What happened is worker strikes and restraining orders,” Celestia answered coolly. “You know how quickly things can get out of hand when we get too competitive. Do you remember our last prank war? The entire kitchen staff went on strike for a week after we accidentally spiked one of their meals.”

“How were we supposed to know that they were also serving those delegates from Saddle Arabia? So they had a little stomachache, they were fine. Eventually.”

“They had diarrhea for a week, Lulu.” Celestia retorted.

“It was a joke!” Luna said defensively as she threw up her hooves. “No one was hurt, we all had a laugh—”

“Two ponies spent seven days hidden in their bathrooms,” Celestia interrupted. “Every member of the kitchen staff threatened to quit, and most pharmacies in Canterlot still have us on their blacklist. We’re setting ground rules.”

Defeated, Luna reluctantly nodded her head. “Okay, fine.”

Picking up the quill in her magic, Princess Celestia dipped the pen in ink and began writing on the scroll as Luna trotted out to the balcony to retrieve her drink. The premise of their wager was simple: first one to seduce and have sex with Long Arrow wins. However, they had to set proper boundaries, lest the tabloids be filled with stories of their wild shenanigans for the next five years.

“First rule,” Celestia said, “Long Arrow must never find out about this wager. Ever. Even if he finds out indirectly, whichever one of is to blame immediately forfeits.”

“Makes sense,” Luna said as she took a sip of her drink.

“Second rule, love magic and illegal, inhibition-altering substances are off limits.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. How do you plan to win the bet now?” Luna quipped.

Ignoring her, Celestia continued, “Third rule: Long Arrow must be aware or our true nature before, during, and after sex.” She expected Luna to make a remark about how it’s not as kinky that way, but thankfully, her Sister held her tongue. “And finally, nopony is to be intentionally harmed in any way.”

A few minutes after writing the last rule, Celestia set the pen down and looked over the scroll for any potential loopholes; centuries of bureaucracy and overly opportunistic ponies had trained her to abhor loopholes.

“What about mild, accidental injuries?” Luna asked innocently, or at least, what most ponies would perceive as innocently. Celestia knew better.

“Luna, could you just—” she sighed. “At least try to avoid it, Luna.”

“Accidents happen, Celly,” Luna said with a devious grin. “Accidents happen.”

Celestia rolled up the scroll and quill in her magic and trotted out to the balcony to glare at Luna. “Yes, and with an alarming frequency when you’re around,” she said before unrolling the paper and shoving it in Luna’s face. “Now sign.”

With only two inches between the paper and her muzzle, reading it wasn’t the easiest task for Luna, but from what she could see, Celestia had put an inordinate amount of effort into this document. Their wager was a straightforward one, and the brief summary of winning conditions and the short list of rules reflected that. She didn’t see much room for “alternative interpretations” or “unintentional misunderstandings.”

Near the bottom, beside Celestia’s signature, a blank line waited to be signed. However, just above the signature line, Luna noticed something interesting. “What’s this about the loser forfeiting their dessert to the winner for a month?” Luna asked, pointing a hoof at the previously unmentioned ante.

Celestia looked straight into her eyes with a small—definitely evil—smile. “Just thought I’d up the stakes a little. That isn’t a problem, is it, Lulu?”

“Not at all,” Luna said, nonchalantly taking the pen from Celestia’s magical grasp and scribbling her own name onto the scroll. “I’m glad to see you’re taking an interest in dieting.”

As Luna returned the pen to her, Celestia flashed a smirk to her cocksure Sister. “Well, it seems we have a bet then, Moonbutt.”

“It would seem so, Sunbutt,” Luna replied stoically before cracking a smile of her own. “This will be fun.”

“Yes, I suppose it will be,” Celestia giggled as a blush formed on her cheeks. “I just hope there won’t be any hard feelings once this is over.”

Both of the Princesses’ grins broke into excited smiles as they locked eyes and stared each other down.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry. You’ve never been the jealous type, Celly,” Luna teased.

“Flatterer,” Celestia replied sarcastically. “But I was referring to Long Arrow. Hopefully, he won’t be disappointed when he finds out that the Princess of the Night isn’t also the Princess of the Bedroom.”

Luna chuckled before retorting, “I think he’ll take it well. Most stallions like it when mares spice things up by taking it outside the bedroom.”

Rolling her eyes, Celestia briefly considered the depths of Luna’s fetishism before realizing that she had no desire to know.

“Besides,” she continued, “I’ll make sure his mind is on… other things,” Luna finished seductively as she flicked her tail.

Celestia held her tongue, planting it firmly in cheek, and shook her head softly while smiling. Her Sister was incorrigible, but soon enough, Luna would be eating her words—not her dessert.

It’ll Probably Be Okay

“So, you watch the hoofball game last night?”

“No. I find the sport to be repugnant and vapid.”

“Oh,” Captain Bronze Lance said. He was having a rough week.

After being grilled by the Royal Sisters about bachelors in the Royal Guard—which was quite possibly the most awkward conversation he had ever had—the Princesses went missing, which sent the palace guards into a panic. One moment, they were having tea in one of the castle’s sitting rooms, and the next, they were gone. Nearly five dozen guards discreetly scoured the castle grounds all day, trying to prevent the inevitable hysteria that would break out if Their Highnesses disappeared.

Hours later, in the middle of the night, the Two Sisters walked into the kitchen asking for a snack as if nothing had happened. The reports detailing that situation took Captain Lance hours to complete, and he made sure to bury them deep, deep within the castle’s archives. Once this week was over, he never wanted to talk about the incident again.

But right now, he was awkwardly sitting beside Celestia’s Scheduling Advisor, Kibitz, waiting for the Princesses to arrive.

“Do you think they’re running late? The scheduled time was five minutes ago.” Bronze said.

Without turning his head, Kibitz dryly replied, “Captain, the Princesses are never ‘running late,’ other ponies are simply running early.”

“Oh,” Bronze said, looking down at his hooves.

It was unusual for Celestia and Luna to arrange meetings with such short notice, but usual days were few and far between lately.

“Do you know why they called us to this meeting?” Bronze Lance asked idly, twiddling his hooves.

“No,” Kibbitz said.

“Any idea what it might be about?”

“No,” Kibbitz repeated.

“Not a single guess?”

“No,” Kibitz curtly replied.

“Oh,” Bronze sighed. “Yeah, I suppose we’re both in the dark.”

“But the lights are on.”

Captain Lance looked up at the ceiling to see that, in fact, the lights were on before explaining, “No, it’s an express—”

“It was a joke,” Kibitz interrupted.

“Oh.”

Sitting beside this stallion was unbearable.

Bronze Lance glanced around the room, noting the plush carpet, high ceilings, and worn furniture. This room saw plenty of use, but not often by normal ponies. Celestia’s office wasn’t necessarily off-limits to the castle staff, but most ponies recognized that this was one of her personal, private spaces. It was built, furnished, and maintained for her, by her, and everything in it catered to her tastes—clean, comfortable, and classy.

Celestia had always considered the castle’s décor to be garish, so a few decades ago, she renovated this room into an office—without the castle staff’s knowledge. With her own hooves, she replaced the mahogany panel walls with simple wallpaper and sold the room’s exotic furniture to pay for a local artisan to refurnish the space. His pieces were works of art, but not the kind most ponies would put in a museum. Two wooden bookshelves engraved with blessings from a forgotten language stood against the opposite wall, and in front of them rested a well-worn standing desk covered with mementos. They were sturdy, plain pieces with smooth edges and naturalistic tones.

Captain Bronze Lance quickly shifted his attention to the door behind him as he heard it softly creak open.

“Hello, Captain, Kibitz,” Celestia said as she and Luna gracefully strode into the room.

“Your Highnesses,” both stallions replied.

Walking by them, Luna acknowledged the two seated ponies with a nod and went behind the desk with Celestia.

“My apologies for not informing you about the nature of this meeting,” Celestia said as she positioned herself at the desk, “but I thought it would be best to explain the matter fully, rather than allowing room for misinterpretation and anxiety.”

“A few matters have recently come to our attention,” Luna said as she looked down and shifted her weight, trying to acclimate herself to the floor’s unusually spongy carpeting. “They do not threaten the fate of Equestria, but they are of the utmost importance and must be addressed.”

“Of course, Princess, how can we be of service?” Bronze Lance said.

“Most of the burden will fall on us,” Celestia said somberly while Luna restrained herself from eye-rolling. “So, we must be able to dedicate more time towards ameliorating these issues.”

“Your schedules are very tight Princess,” Kibitz replied. His face remained neutral—as it always seemed to be—but his eyes empathized with the gravity of the Princesses’ situation. “Due to the importance of these issues, I believe I can pencil in… one hour every other day for this.”

“Thank you, Kibitz,” Celestia said with a short-lived smile, “but I fear that won’t be enough.”

“I see. Then, if we shorten your daily exercise session we can—”

“Actually, Kibitz,” Luna interrupted, “Celestia and I have already decided what must be done to afford ourselves the necessary time.”

Kibitz tilted his head in surprise. “Then please, Your Majesties, inform me so that I may effect the changes immediately.”

Celestia opened a folder on her desk and levitated it down to Kibitz, who curiously read over its contents as Celestia paraphrased them aloud.

“From now on, the Royal Court will only convene once every two weeks. Instead of allowing anyone to immediately petition us, cases will be taken to local courts first, and when necessary, Luna and I will hear cases that the smaller courts are unfit to handle.”

Sitting back in his seat and sputtering softly, Kibitz said, “Princesses, without your guidance—”

“Ponies will have to resolve their own conflicts, yes,” Luna said. “Equestria is no longer young; it should be able to make fair and just decisions without us. We are not needed to solve every dispute.”

“Nor are we needed for every trade agreement,” Celestia added. “Cadence, Shining Armor, Blueblood, and Twilight will be given the responsibilities of maintaining Equestria’s trade and relations.”

Kibitz hurriedly looked down at the folder and quietly gasped when he saw that Celestia meant what she said. Together, the four young royals would be deciding on many of the diplomatic and commerce-related issues in Equestria. While he scanned the page for any more surprises, Celestia resumed speaking, snapping Kibitz back from his thoughts.

“Placing these responsibilities in capable hooves will help us tremendously, but we expect you to delegate other tasks whenever possible, Kibitz.”

The stallion being addressed nodded dumbly in response, unsure of what else to do.

“Also, please be aware that Luna and I will no longer be on schedules.”

A vacant, blank look overtook Kibitz’s face—a look far less stoic than his usual, unemotional appearance—as sweat slowly dripped down his forehead.

“We will still both be awake to raise the sun and moon,” Luna said. “But except for our appointments between those times, we will often be unavailable or absent from the castle.”

“Anything else, Your Highnesses?” Kibitz whispered hoarsely.

When the Princesses shook their heads in response, Captain glanced over to Kibitz. The poor stallion was trembling in his chair and about two minutes away from an anxiety attack.

“Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, is there anything the Royal Guard can do to assist you during this time?” Captain Lance asked uncertainly.

As she turned towards the Royal Guard captain, Celestia opened her mouth to reply but stopped herself to smile warmly at him first. “Yes, Captain, there is. You and your guards will be an immense help to us. Everything you need to know is in the right pocket of the folder,” she said while gesturing with a hoof.

Gingerly bending the folder Kibitz held numbly in his magical grasp, Bronze pulled out the papers and flipped through them. Most of the pages were dedicated to an extensive duty roster, but a few of them detailed amended procedures and rules.

Luna peered down at the stallion as he glossed over the pages of rules, regulations, and rosters. Somewhat impatiently, she said, “I’m certain you’ll be able to implement that duty roster within a few days, Captain, and the changes to procedure are minor. So, unless you or Kibitz have any questions, I believe we can bring this meeting to a close.”

“I agree, Your Majesty. Everything will be taken care of. Please, excuse me.”

Bronze Lance rose from his seat, bowed, and quietly left the room while Kibitz followed behind shakily. As he shut the door behind him, Kibitz hastily recalled his manners and stuck his head through the doorway to perform an awkward bow before dashing towards the nearest bathroom.

After the stallions were gone and the sound of their hoofsteps faded from the air, Luna rolled her eyes and let out a long breath. “Seriously, what the hay is wrong with Kibitz? He looked like he might have vomited if we didn’t dismiss him when we did.”

Celestia’s lips curled upwards as she thought about her assistant’s myriad of charming quirks. “Kibitz has dedicated his organizational skills, as well as his entire life, to serving the Crown. I trust him completely to make the best use of my time, and I wouldn’t give him such control over my schedule if I didn’t. Suddenly taking back that control must be very shocking for him.”

“I didn’t get that impression at all,” Luna replied sarcastically.

“He’ll probably be huddled over the toilet for an hour,” Celestia said with a smirk, “but then he’ll do exactly as we asked of him, and he’ll do it with nothing short of excellence. You’ll see.”

“Yeah, I’ll see the puke stains on the rug leading down the hallway,” Luna joked.

Well, partially joked.

With a mug of coffee in his hoof and the dull buzz of ponies working outside in his ear, Captain Bronze Lance read over the papers the Princesses had given him. Their meeting earlier that day was too anxiety-ridden for proper reading, and the atmosphere in his office was altogether less stressful.

Replacing Shining Armor’s position as Captain of the Royal Guard already took its toll on a pony. That stallion—that crazy, workaholic, Princess-marrying stallion—somehow did the work of four guard captains and made it look easy. When he first accepted the position, Bronze Lance tried to do the work of four guard captains, but now he has to visit the cardiologist four times a month. More stress was the last thing Bronze needed.

Looking over the various documents and orders, however, made it apparent that Their Highnesses weren’t interested in whether or not he could use the stress. Nearly everypony in Canterlot had been reassigned to a different position within the city, and was expected to begin their new role and shift within two days. This, while not necessarily preferable to the ponies who were being reassigned—which, granted, was all of them—was at least an excellent opportunity for cross-training.

Optimism didn’t make the situation any less of a nightmare, though.

From what he could tell, the Princesses’ revision of the duty roster didn’t cause any security gaps, but it wasn’t exactly… sensible. A squad composed entirely of spear-wielding earth ponies held a shift on the castle walls. One of the most combat-experienced sergeants would be patrolling the library. And to top it off, it looked like the rookie would be assigned to Celestia and Luna’s personal guard detail.

That didn’t seem like the best idea. Well, none of them did, but the last one in particular.

Assigning an inexperienced guard to the kingdom’s most important position was unthinkable. The rest of the guards were all top-notch, this is true, but if anything, that made the weakest link in the chain that much weaker. Veterans on his shift were going to eat him alive if they got the chance, and the only way they wouldn’t get that chance is if Private Long Arrow somehow managed to avoid royally screwing up.

Bronze set his empty mug down with a sigh and trotted over to the filing cabinet. He had heard about how well Long Arrow had done in the academy, but perhaps it was time to go over his file again.

Before accepting the stallion into the palace guard, Bronze Lance had skimmed through Arrow’s file, but it hadn’t caught his attention. What caught his attention were the recommendations that accompanied it.

Academy instructors often gave recommendations to graduates, normally to an outpost or base. Recommendation for a position in Canterlot was considered an honor; recommendation for a position in Canterlot castle was an implausibility.

Shuffling through the folders in the cabinet, Bronze’s hoof eventually hit the tab marked “Arrow, Long” and pulled the folder out. It was still thin—the mark of somepony who hasn’t done much or hasn’t been around very long. Only his basic file, recent transfer documents, report from the academy, and a copy of his graduation certificate were inside.

After a brief glance, Bronze set the other documents aside and took a long look at the academy report. Though, perhaps it would have been more accurate to call it “Long Arrow’s List of Achievements.” Top marks in archery (not surprising, given his name), but also in ballista maintenance and use, hoof-to-hoof combat, and dogfighting. Instructors noted his exemplary performance in the monthly wargames on two separate occasions. He clocked the fastest airspeed of his class and the fourth fastest time during the cadets’ endurance run.

How many steroids did this pony take?

Captain Bronze Lance shook his head softly as he placed the papers back in their folder. Long Arrow was no meathead, that much was apparent, but a few months at the academy doesn’t prepare a pony for protecting the Princesses. Guarding the castle is one thing; it’s unlikely that you’ll cause a national crisis by stoically standing in place for six hours. Around the Royal Sisters, however…

As he leaned against the cabinet, slipping the file back into its place, Bronze Lance banished the thought from his mind. Long Arrow was a perfectly capable stallion, and he was in a position that generally required little other than looking mildly imposing. In all likelihood, he would rarely ever see the Celestia or Luna, let alone interact with them. He would just stand silently, surrounded by dozens of other guards throughout the castle, watchfully overseeing their safety.

He could handle it. He would be fine. Nothing bad will happen.

Probably.

An (Unbearably) Sunny Day

The sun hung low over Equestria that day, bathing all who ventured outside in its oppressive heat and bright yellow glow. Canterlot stood quietly underneath its brilliant rays, attempting to survive the blistering temperatures.

A few ponies still braved the streets, whether out of stubbornness or the need to earn a paycheck, but Celestia could only guess how many more were hiding inside air-conditioned buildings. Even the restless, energetic foals of the School for Gifted Unicorns chose to stay inside today. Nopony wanted to play outside after they saw one of their classmates burn her hooves by walking on the pavement.

Despite the sweat profusely streaming down her coat, though, Celestia was perfectly comfortable. She lounged on her velvet couch, completely naked, which wasn’t nearly as seductive as she wished. Her regalia wasn’t exactly modest, both in how much in cost and how much it covered. Hopefully Long Arrow had a hoof fetish.

Either way, today would be hot and heavy—literally and figuratively. When she had woken up this morning, Celestia had made sure of it by moving the sun just slightly closer to Equus than normal. A little extra heat and an ingenious plan would set things in motion, and a bit of stallion hormones and lust would finish the job.

Pulling the sun out of its proper orbit may have been drastic, but it wouldn’t have any lasting consequences. Equestria could endure one day of unseasonably warm weather. Besides, Celestia doubted anypony would even notice.

“The end draws nigh!” a deranged pony screamed as he galloped through the streets of Manehattan.

Across the street, a young mare and stallion paused their amicable chat to stare at the crazed pony as he dashed towards them through heavy traffic.

“Can’t you ponies see it?! Or has the Sun Hag already blinded you with your demise?” he yelled while pointing towards the sun.

Glancing nervously at each other, the pair mentally cursed themselves for arriving at the bus stop so early.

“She wishes to see Equestria reduced to ash, and with it, all who oppose her tyrannical regime!” the pony continued shouting. “Then, she will set fire to the oceans and bathe the world in hellish flames!”

The mare anxiously checked her watch while the pony rambled on, screaming unintelligibly.
After a couple minutes of looking for an escape, the stallion excitedly pointed a hoof and exclaimed over the screeching pony, “Oh, hey, look! Those Royal Guards are handing out free ice cream!”

Whipping his head around to follow the outstretched hoof, the pony gasped and began shouting once more. “LIES! POISON! DECEIT!”

After passing an ice cream bar down to a small filly, one of the guards looked over to see the manic pony yelling at them. He was nearly a block away but appeared to be furiously charging toward them, halving the distance in seconds.

When the other guard noticed his approach, he readied an ice cream bar and prepared himself to defuse the situation. This heat was messing with ponies’ minds; everypony was going to go crazy if it kept up. Honestly, he was surprised that this was the only one today—at least, so far.

Once the pony finally drew near to them, he scowled at the filly. “Little one, don’t be fooled by their bribery!” the pony ranted as he smacked the ice cream out of the filly’s hoof. Pointing his hoof accusingly at the guards but keeping his attention on the filly, he continued, “They wear the emblem of the fiery goddess’s regime! They cannot be trusted! It’s all part of Celestia’s diabolical plan to—”

“I think that’s enough,” the first guard interjected as he roughly looped his forehoof around one of the pony’s legs.

“What?” The pony angrily turned towards the guard, prepared to give him an earful before being interrupted by a second forehoof looping around his opposite leg.

“I agree. Why don’t we go find you a nice room with air-conditioning, hmm?” the second guard said as he tightened his grip on the pony’s leg.

“What?! No! You can kill me, but you’ll never take away freedom! FFFRRREEEEEEDOOOOOMMMM!!!!”

Nopony would notice.

Propping herself up on the couch, Celestia twisted her head to look around the room. As far as bedrooms go, Celestia’s was almost certainly one of the cleanest, but now wasn’t the time for assumptions. Her eyes traveled around the room, checking for debris on the floor or dust on the furniture. Failing to find any, she continued on to the vanity table. After searching for any embarrassing personal hygiene products left out in the open, Celestia flashed a wide smile at the mirror. A dazzlingly beautiful white Alicorn across the room smiled back at her with teeth brushed, flossed, and whitened to perfection.

Taking a deep breath, Celestia relaxed her body and turned to face the door. “Guards,” she called softly while putting on her best sultry look.

*BANG*

“Yes, Princess!” a unicorn mare shouted from the doorway as threatening red magic emanated from her horn, scanning the room for threats. Finding no would-be assassins—only Celestia’s disinterested gaze—the mare came to attention and awaited her orders.

Celestia suppressed a sigh. In hindsight, assigning guards from the bad part of Canterlot to the castle wasn’t the best idea. Always so tense. It would be good for them in the long run, of course. Everypony in the Royal Guard needs to shake things up now and then. However, Celestia didn’t know if the castle doors could withstand much more shaking. She would have to find something to help the reassigned guards relax. Yoga classes, perhaps.

Reminding herself of how her plan was meant to play out, Celestia asked, “There wouldn’t happen to be any… pegasus guards nearby, would there?”

There was a pegasus guard nearby. One pegasus guard, to be precise.

“What can I do for you, Your Highness?” Private Long Arrow said, peeking his head through the door.

It was Long Arrow. Long Arrow was the pegasus guard—the only pegasus guard in this wing of the castle, in fact.

“Oh, Private Long Arrow, what a coincidence,” Celestia said with feigned surprise and a hint smugness. She nodded to the unicorn mare and continued addressing Arrow, “Yes, please, come in.”

Taking Celestia’s cue for her to leave, the unicorn mare passed by Arrow as she slipped through the door. Once she was out of the doorway, he strode calmly into the room, leaving the door slightly ajar as he came in. Like a good little stallion, he walked to the center of the room and awaited her orders.

Oh, they were going to have so much fun together.

“Long Arrow.” Celestia beckoned him with a hoof. “Closer.”

He took a few steps forward, and then a few more steps when he saw that Celestia continued to motion him towards her.

Once he stood directly beside her on the couch, Celestia leaned forward, meeting Long Arrow’s eyes. “I’m soooo hot,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes like the mares in Cosmarepolitan told her to. “Would you fan me?”

“Of course, Princess,” Long Arrow replied. Gently hopping into the air, he proceeded to make long, smooth strokes with his wings, fanning as much air onto her as possible.

“Oh!” Celestia recoiled from the initial burst of air hitting her face, but she soon settled into the rhythmic flapping of his wings and the cool air each wingbeat provided. Considering that she had been sitting in her own sweat for over an hour now—the velvet couch beneath her was beginning to drip—this breeze felt heavenly.

Celestia allowed herself a small smile; her plan couldn’t be going better. She had a stallion all alone in her bedroom, waiting on her hoof and fetlock, while she sat naked on the couch.

And Luna thought that she’d lost her touch.

In her mind’s eye, Celestia saw the burning desire on Long Arrow’s face and all the naughty, naughty things that he was conjuring up in his imagination. She could feel him lusting after the luscious curves of her body, and who was she to stop him? Adjusting herself on the couch to give him a better view, Celestia turned her head just enough to glimpse Long Arrow’s face out of the corner of her eye. She couldn’t wait to see him squirming, desperately trying to hold back his uncontrollable sexual urges.

The sexual urges which, apparently, he didn’t have. Unless, somehow, ponies now expressed their sexual tension by relaxing their posture, making steady and methodical movements, and staring stoically ahead.

Ponyfeathers.

His Royal Guard training must have taken over, Celestia mused. Darn that unemotional, unfeeling, passionless training. Instructors at the academy had always taught recruits to be assertive and tough, but when had they become so infatuated with stoicism? Can’t a guard act on his forbidden, kinky desires and have hot, sweaty sex with his Princess anymore?

What had her kingdom come to?

Celestia rested her head against the couch and blew a strand of her mane away from her eyes. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. This didn’t ruin her plan; Long Arrow just felt that she was unobtainable, unreachable. He was an inexperienced, insecure stallion next to the most beautiful, intelligent, and kind mare he had ever known. They barely knew each other, and she already had him in a situation rife with sexual tension. How could he possibly know how to react? To show his true feelings?

Maybe he just needed some encouragement.

“Mmmn… oooohhh, Long Arrow...”

Outside the room, the unicorn mare maintained her vigilant watch without Long Arrow while a maid slowed her step near the doorway. She stared at it quizzically before deviating from her original path to approach the door.

“State your business,” the guard said brusquely as she cut off the maid’s approach.

Ignoring the Royal Guard’s demand, the mare shifted her head to look past the guard and through the crack in the door. “What are those noises coming the Princess’s room?”

“They are none of your concer—”

*MOAN*

“Is Princess Celestia all right?” the maid asked.

“Private Long Arrow is with Her Highness. She is—”

“Oh, YES! Harder! Harder!”

Glancing backward towards the door, the unicorn mare quietly continued, “…fine.”

Silence overtook the two as they gaped at the unspeakable noises coming from the bedroom. Eventually, a pair of guards trotted down the hallway on their patrol, but suddenly halted next to the door in shock. They stood motionlessly by the door, horrified, before one guard pointed towards the bedroom with a hoof. Both mares responded with an absentminded nod.

Slowly, other ponies began gathering around the door. Handyponies, butlers, chefs, maids, and guards alike all stopped to join the steadily growing crowd. Though many of them had jobs to do, nopony could pull themselves away from the doorway and the loud, obscene noises coming from it. None of them said a word—none of them dared to—and nopony came within three feet of the door.

After some time, a lieutenant walked up to the group of ponies surrounding the Princess’s private chambers. “What is going—”

“Shhhh,” a few of the huddled ponies shushed.

“Aaahhhh! Don’t stop—YES! Right there! Keep going!”

A confused mix of horror and disgust crept over his face. “I can’t believe you would all—”

“MORE, ARROW! MORE!”

In a panic, the lieutenant began pushing his way through the ponies, forcing his way to the door. “All right, that’s enough of—”

“GIVE ME ALL YOU’VE GOT!”

Fumbling and stumbling his way through the throng of ponies blocking the door, the stallion desperately clawed his way to the door before finally breaking through the crowd. “Okay, show’s ov—”

“OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!”

For a moment, the castle quieted.

All of the assembled ponies blanched as slowly, silently, the lieutenant raised a hoof to the doorknob and pulled the door shut with a soft click. Everypony continued facing the door, blankly staring ahead and considering whether or not a pony could go to Tartarus for eavesdropping.

“Oooh. Thank you, Private Arrow. I think that’s enough.”

Princess Celestia hungrily looked over Long Arrow’s form as he breathed heavily through his nose, trying to hide his exhaustion. Of course, after the workout she had given him, he couldn’t possibly hide it. Sweat dripped from his mane and the openings in his armor, and his chest heaved with each breath.

Arrow wouldn’t have broken a sweat if he was wearing the standard issue pegasus armor, but that’s not what he was wearing. Inside the castle, guards now wore considerably heavier armor—a safety precaution taken after the changeling invasion, Tirek’s rampage, Discord’s escape, and a few other miscellaneous incidents. Most of the time, Celestia regretted the need for such precautions, but not right now.

Right now, she was admiring the glistening muscles on Long Arrow’s flank.

Disappointingly, the sexual tension between them continued to go nowhere. By now, she expected to see the lust burning in his male gaze—or at least an attempt to glance at her rump—but his eyes only looked straight ahead. Just to his left, a voluptuous princess lay splayed out on a velvet couch for his viewing pleasure, but whatever, her bedroom walls were interesting too.

Oh well, on to the next part of her plan.

“My goodness, Long Arrow, you look as if you’re melting from the heat,” Celestia said as she grinned demurely. “Perhaps you should take a shower?”

“Thank you for your concern, Your Highness, but I cannot leave my post,” Long Arrow replied wearily.

“No need to leave your post,” Celestia giggled. “Use my shower, I insist.”

“I don’t—”

“I insist,” Celestia said warmly as she tilted her head down and met the stallion’s eyes. Despite what her libido had to say on the matter, Long Arrow wasn’t that dense. This wasn’t an offer; it was an order.

“I… Thank you, Princess. I believe I will go do that.” Bowing briefly before walking to the bathroom, Arrow disappeared behind the door as he shut it behind him.

Good little stallion.

Shortly afterward, Celestia heard his armor quietly clank on the floor. Though she had yet to see him without his armor, the thought of his toned, muscular body made her shiver with excitement. Sounds of knobs turning and water pattering against the tile of the bathroom only furthered Celestia’s anticipation. With Long Arrow out of the room and “getting more comfortable” in her shower, it was time to strike, and she could barely contain herself.

The shower was turned on, and she was certainly turned on—now only Long Arrow was left. Rising from the couch, Celestia practiced her sway as she stealthily approached the bathroom door. At her touch, the door creaked open ever so softly, giving her just enough room to peek inside unnoticed.

Long Arrow stood directly in the showerhead’s stream with his eyes closed, letting the water wash over him and soak into his mane, tail, and coat before running down his muscular legs.

Pushing the door open, Celestia set her hooves down one at a time on the bathroom tile and crept towards the shower. Each step brought her closer, but only tested her patience more. As she drew near to him, the bath rug tickled her hooves and nearly forced a giggle out of her. Holding it in, Celestia thanked the heavens once the shower finally came within reach. She slid the door open and smiled as she stepped inside behind Long Arrow.

“Hello, my little stal-l-l-l-l-l—”

Cold water. Very, very cold water.

Turning around, Long Arrow offered a small frown. “My apologies, Princess, do you need the shower?”

“N-n-nonsense, th-there’s plenty of r-r-room.”

Why was the water so cold?!

“I’m gl-glad to h-have the c-c-company.”

Seriously, why was the water so freaking cold?

“To be in your company is an honor, Princess,” Long Arrow replied with a nod, before turning around to face the showerhead once again.

Well, at least the situation didn’t make him uncomfortable; that was a start. Of course, Celestia couldn’t say the same—she was extremely uncomfortable, and after fifteen seconds of (unsuccessfully) trying to adjust, she needed to do something.

Tilting her head and trying to maintain her smile, Celestia asked, “L-Long Arrow?”

“Yes, Your Highness?” Long Arrow answered, still facing into the water.

“W-w-would y-you like to use h-h-hot water?”

“I always take cold showers—it’s a habit I picked up in the academy.”

“Mhmm.” Celestia nodded her head up and down rapidly, trying not to scream. Second after second, hundreds of droplet drenched her coat and mane, attacking her like tiny frozen daggers.

“Princess?” Long Arrow hesitantly turned around. “Would you prefer to use hot water?”

Still smiling and nodding furiously, Celestia replied, “Th-that would be n-n-nice.”

“Of course,” Long Arrow said as he turned towards the shower handles. “Allow me.” Grabbing both handles with his hooves, he gently twisted them in opposite directions.

Slowly, Celestia’s shoulders relaxed and the tension in her neck released as hot water flooded her with warmth and relief from the bitter cold. Breathing in the comforting steam and sighing deeply, she let her back legs collapse beneath her. Her rump slid to the floor, and she propped herself up with her front hooves while the water soaked into her mane.

As Celestia watched water swirl around the shower drain, she couldn’t help but think of her plans. Long Arrow was still here, soaking wet and sexy as Tartarus, but even an Alicorn’s sex drive can’t survive an ice-cold shower. She had planned on some soapy shenanigans with him—maybe they could have “helped” each other “wash up”—but it simply wasn’t worth it. The moment was gone.

The thought of a roll in the hay still excited Celestia, but the haystack had turned into a stack of pins today.

Carefully rotating himself in the shower, Long Arrow turned to face Celestia and sat down. He silently looked at her unmoving, emotionless gaze and followed it towards the shower floor. There, both ponies quietly stared at the space between them, watching the water flow towards the drain in the center.

“Long day?”

“No, actually,” Celestia indifferently replied. “Since we’re getting closer to winter, the days are getting shorter. Today, the sun is only in the sky for… You’re not asking about the sun.”

“No, Princess Celestia, I am not,” Long Arrow said.

The water continued to rain down around them, splashing against the floor and walls before running down the drain. Neither pony looked at the other, choosing instead to watch the water trickle from their hooves and manes until it too disappeared down the drain.

Celestia considered responding. An honest conversation would be nice. She abhorred small talk, canned responses, and platitudes, despite how often her position demanded all three. There was nothing to be said, though—not to him, unfortunately. And so she didn’t respond, instead allowing the drizzle of the shower to drown out her downcast thoughts and his attempt at conversation with her.

Minutes passed by in this manner, until she eventually rose to their hooves and turned off the shower in silence. Toweling herself off, Celestia watched as Long Arrow carefully stood up on the wet tile. Before she could offer him a towel, he had already shaken the water from his coat and mane. Then, while she finished drying herself, Long Arrow hefted his armor over his back and fastened the straps before stepping into his hoof guards.

After the two trotted out of the bathroom, Celestia turned to the balcony door and looked outside at the low-hanging sun.

“Thank you for your assistance, Private. You are dismissed,” Celestia said. Behind her, she could hear the slight jostle of his armor as he bowed, and then two soft clicks from the door as he left. Releasing the sigh she had been holding in, Celestia reminded herself that these things take time.

And sometimes alcohol.

Closing the Princess’s bedroom door behind him, Long Arrow looked to the guard waiting beside the doorway. “Returning to duty, Ma’am. Did any incidents occur while I was assisting the Princess?”

“No, uh, Private,” the unicorn mare said, avoiding eye contact.

Always Knock First

“Why do they even sell iced tea in the Crystal Empire?” Luna complained. “It’s already fifteen degrees below Equestria’s average temperature here. Do they want ponies to freeze to death?”

Celestia chuckled. “I believe it’s because they brew some of Equestria’s finest iced tea, Luna.”

Normally, she would scold her Sister for acting so foalish in public, but Celestia couldn’t blame Luna for her poor attitude this time.

Despite spending the night with him wrapped in her hooves, Luna utterly failed to seduce Long Arrow. Another day alone with Arrow in the Crystal Empire could have changed that, though.

Celestia could picture her Sister’s plans perfectly. It would be just Luna and Arrow—alone—in one of Equestria’s most beautiful cities. They would see the sights, share a romantic meal at some high-end restaurant, and soak in the aura of love permeating the city. Then, as the sun set and they settled into their hotel room, they would give in to their unspoken, passionate lust.

That certainly wasn’t going to happen now.

“Oh, the Crystal ponies did such a marvelous job renovating their city for the Equestria Games,” Celestia said as they turned the corner and caught sight of the train station. “Isn’t Crystal Central Station lovely, Luna?”

“Yes, lovely,” she replied sarcastically.

Ignoring her Sister’s indifference, Princess Celestia admired the building’s extravagant façade and pristine steps as they approached the station. Up the stairs and past the large pillars enclosing the station’s entrance, a large terminal separated two sets of train tracks. Various kiosks, booths, and merchants lined the middle of the walking area, each one surrounded by ponies passing time as the waited for their trains. At the other end of the building, a small museum dedicated the to the Crystal Empire’s history stood proudly.

Together, Celestia and Luna cantered down the walkway toward the ticket booth while Arrow trudged along behind them. At first, the ticket clerk ardently refused to accept payment from royalty, but a warm smile from Princess Celestia and a withering glare from Princess Luna convinced her. A few dozen bits each bought them seven minutes of waiting and first-class passage to Canterlot.

With tickets in hoof and three cups of iced tea grasped in her magic, Celestia trotted over to a long, empty bench beside the tracks and sat down. On the opposite side of the bench, Luna pouted as she grumpily rested her head on a hoof. Arrow followed behind the Princesses sluggishly, weighed down by his bulging saddlebags and the donut box wedged between his wing, before eventually stopping beside the bench.

“Sit, my little stallion,” Celestia said as she patted the spot beside her on the bench. “You must be tired. Rest with me.”

“Thank you for your concern, Your Highness, but I am…” Long Arrow’s mouth hung open slightly as he seemed to forget his words. “…Fine.”

Celestia tilted her head down and looked into his droopy, bloodshot eyes while he stared ahead listlessly.

“Let him stand if he wishes, Celestia,” Luna said as she turned to face the pair and rolled her eyes. “He likes standing. Right, Private?”

“Yes, Princess,” Arrow replied compliantly.

The corners of Celestia’s lips dipped into a light frown.

Luna’s mood had quickly turned foul on the way to Crystal Central Station, and now it slowly simmered in her aggravation. After their tiff at Crystal Gaming, Celestia expected Luna to be irritable, but not nearly this ornery. It’s not as if this was Celestia’s ideal day either.

Sighing, Celestia levitated Arrow’s saddlebags off his flank and set them on the bench. Sliding the donut box from his wings and onto her haunches, she gently rested a hoof on his shoulder and softly said, “I would feel safer if you sat with me, Private.”

“Okay… Princess Celestia,” Long Arrow said numbly before taking a seat between the Princesses.

Beside Arrow, Luna crossed her hooves and glared across the bench at her Sister.

One of the cups hovering above Celestia’s head lowered to her lips, and she took a casual sip from the straw. Luna could pout, but Celestia would not allow her to make this day any more unpleasant than it already was.

Floating an iced tea down to Arrow, she said, “My little stallion, this iced tea is wonderful, you must try some.”

“Thank you, Your Highness,” he mumbled, grabbing the cup in his hoof.

Celestia glanced across the bench at Luna and motioned for her to take the third iced tea.

Luna turned away in a huff, refusing the offer. The cup hovered around her head annoyingly, sloshing as Celestia shook the liquid next to her ear, before its straw began poking and prodding her face. Fed up with his Sister’s pestering, Luna violently snatched the iced tea out of the air and sucked it down angrily.

Satisfied, Celestia shifted her attention back to the stallion beside her and watched as Long Arrow drank from his now half-empty cup. He held the straw loosely in his mouth as he sipped more of the cool, brown liquid while staring at the floor.

Leaning over, she asked, “Tell me, Arrow, how are you feeling?”

For a moment, his dazed, sleepy eyes drifted up in search of the pony speaking to him. When they found Celestia, Arrow idly took another sip from the straw before returning his gaze to the floor. His mouth relaxed; tea dribbled down his chin and onto his leg. He slumped in his chair, dumbly staring at the other side of the station before closing his eyes and drooping forward.

Luna turned, curious why he wasn’t responding, and gasped as Long Arrow fell from the bench. Her hoof darted towards his limp form, only to find that Celestia’s wing had already caught Arrow and pulled him into her fluffy, white chest.

“Celly, is he all right?” Luna asked anxiously.

“He’s fine now,” Celestia calmly replied as she stroked his mane. “I cast a sleeping enchantment on his iced tea on the way here.”

“AND WHY—” Luna nearly shouted before stopping herself and glancing at the ponies staring at them. Lowering her voice down to a harsh whisper, she repeated, “And why would you do that?”

“Lulu,” Celestia said, still tenderly caressing the stallion. “You only took one guard with you, and you kept him up all night. He won’t let himself rest until another guard relieves him or we arrive back at the castle. Have you seen his eyes?”

Luna winced when Celestia gently lifted one of his eyelids, exposing the blood-shot eye underneath.

“Did you notice the way he lagged behind us on our way here? If he’s going by the book,” Celestia paused to giggle, “which we both know he is, then he should never be more than a few steps behind us. He’s exhausted, Lulu.”

“All Royal Guards experience the occasional bout of sleep deprivation,” Luna said defensively. “If anything, he should be glad that this is the worst he’s suffered.”

Celestia didn’t reply, but her remorseful, compassionate eyes said enough for Luna to reconsider her words. Long Arrow’s head lay peacefully wrapped around the shelter of her Sister’s wing, and his body gave a small heave with each breath as he slumbered.

“One thousand years ago,” Princess Luna said with a tinge a nostalgia, “the soldiers under our banner would have considered themselves fortunate to be in his position—sleep deprivation and all.” Luna bit her lip and smiled as she watched one of Arrow’s hooves twitch. “It’s been a long time since my last stallion. Maybe it’s not the way I remember it.”

“Perhaps it’s not the way either of us remember it, Sister,” Celestia said as she set a hoof on Luna’s shoulder.

In front of them, the train whistle blew as the Friendship Express approached, slowly chugging to a stop inside the station. Over a dozen train cars opened their doors, and ponies streamed out with their luggage, followed by ticket collectors. After the initial surge of ponies exiting the train ended, the conductor popped his head out and yelled, “All aboard! Non-stop Crystal Empire to Canterlot!”

With a resigned sigh and a small smile, Luna took Arrow’s saddlebags in her magic and said, “Come on, Sis. Let’s get him home.”

Outside the window, rolling hills passed by lazily as they basked in the sun’s fading light. Strokes of vibrant flowers and verdant forests accentuated the gradual curves of Equestria’s vast grasslands. In the distance, Cloudsdale drifted leisurely through the sky as Canterlot came into view.

“Couldn’t you have just brought the chariot, though?” Luna asked, chuckling.

Inside their train cabin, Celestia and Luna sat beside each other, peering out the window. Still slumbering, Long Arrow lay stretched out on top of them.

“And miss this train ride? Never,” Celestia said with a grin. She scratched behind Arrow’s ear and giggled as his lips curled upward involuntarily. “It’s nice taking the long way for once.”

Reaching a hoof over to rub Arrow’s exposed belly, Luna replied, “I suppose it is.”

Canterlot’s lights seeped through the window as the train neared its next stop and the sun dipped below the horizon. As Celestia finished her celestial duties, Princess Luna gently tugged the moon into place while stars steadily filled the sky.

“How much longer will the effects of the enchantment last?” Luna asked.

“He drank more than I was expecting—until morning, at least, and he’ll be groggy for a few hours after that,” Celestia said.

“And what will we tell him when he wakes up?”

Celestia grinned. “That he showed us a wonderful time in the Crystal Empire.”

“Why so vague?” Luna said with a predatory smile. “We could tell him anything, conjure up all sorts of exploits that he wouldn’t remember.”

A muffled screeching sound echoed through the train as it came to a stop at Canterlot Station. A moment later, the exit doors slid open as ticket collectors made way for the ponies hurriedly shuffling off the train. Outside the Princesses’ cabin, ponies talked loudly and waved at those waiting for them in the train station.

“Behave, Lulu,” Celestia teased as she slid off the seat and onto her hooves.

Luna lifted the donut box in her magic and pulled Long Arrow onto her back. “His escapades could be legendary!”

“Knowing you, ‘infamous’ might be more accurate,” Celestia said, prompting a hearty cackle from Luna.

Slinging Arrow’s saddlebags over her flank, Celestia slid the cabin door open and stepped off the train when the initial crowd of ponies dissipated. The Sisters trotted down the concourse towards the streets of Canterlot, receiving a few odd looks from passersby, but mostly awestruck smiles and deferential greetings.

After trotting through the station doors and into the warm night air, Celestia and Luna ascended into the sky. Dozens of brightly lit streets passed by beneath them on their way back to the castle. Ponies milled about, visiting shops, chatting with friends, and enjoying their evening, but not many saw the Princesses soaring overhead.

A few minutes of flying brought them to the walls of Canterlot Castle and some very surprised ponies. Both Sisters shared a knowing smile when four pegasi guards launched into the air on their approach. Thankfully, Royal Guards were slow to ask questions and quick to assist their Princesses in any way possible.

Escorted by their ever-loyal and ever-uninquisitive protectors, Celestia and Luna landed on one of the castle’s balconies and dismissed the pegasi guards. As the Royal Guards flew back to their positions, the Princesses cantered through the glass doors and down the hallway toward their bedrooms.

Remembering the stallion sleeping on her Sister’s back, Celestia turned to Luna and asked, “What should we do with Private Arrow?”

Near the intersection where they would part ways, Luna yawned and flashed Celestia a mischievous look. “I believe that is your problem,” she said, levitating the slumbering stallion over to Celestia.

“Oof,” Celestia grunted as a still-unconscious Long Arrow flopped onto Celestia’s back. “What are you talking about, Luna?”

“You stole him away from me today, fair and square, so he’s your problem now. I’ll snatch him away from you some other time.” Luna said with a drowsy wink. “Have fun, Celly, but not too much fun.”

“Wh-what—Luna! What fun can I have with a comatose stallion?” Celestia yelled as Luna cantered off to bed. Flabbergasted, Celestia stuttered and fumbled over her words as she thought of something to say, but Luna had already disappeared around the corner.

Sighing, Celestia glanced over her shoulder at the peacefully slumbering stallion.

“Technically, you’re still on duty,” Celestia scolded as she began trotting towards her bedroom. “However, we wouldn’t want you to get caught sleeping on your watch.”

“Even if I explained the situation to your superiors,” she said, turning down a corridor. “I can’t just drop you off at the barracks; that would be grossly irresponsible of me.”

“So, it looks like we’ll need to find a mutually beneficial solution,” Celestia said as her bedroom door came into sight. Two guards stood watch beside the doors, both of whom nodded as she cantered into her room with a grin.

Closing the door behind her, Celestia tossed Arrow’s saddlebags onto the floor and walked over to her bed. “Well, Private, looks like you’ll have to stay here for the night,” she said seductively, lowering Arrow onto the bed. “Sleeping with two Princesses in as many days—my, my, my, you’re a lucky little stallion. Now, let’s get more… comfortable.”

Celestia kicked off her shoes and regalia before setting her tiara on its holder. Sauntering over to Long Arrow, she asked, “Much better, don’t you think?”

She doubted Arrow could hear her through the magically-induced coma, but Celestia suspected that he would have agreed with her if he could.

One by one, she slid his hoof guards off while circling around him hungrily, savoring each tantalizing moment. His helmet fell to the floor soon after with a clang, revealing his short, brown mane. Running a hoof through his hair, Celestia looked over Long Arrow’s warm, enticing form. Only one barrier rested between her and snuggle time with a naked stallion—his armor.

Flipping him onto his opposite side in search of a way to get the armor off, Celestia quickly found the buckles attaching it to his abdomen. Thick straps connected each buckle and ran across his body before ending at special slits in the armor. Six of them secured it firmly to his body, but at least four other additional straps seemed to serve no purpose at all.

Uncertain of where to begin, Celestia pulled on a random strap, only for the armor to tighten around Arrow’s waist. The stallion coughed as his stomach forced its way into his spine, but when Celestia pulled the strap in the other direction, nothing happened. Frantically, she pulled another strap, trying to figure out when Royal Guard armor had become so complicated.

“I imagined this moment more—mmphm—sexy,” Celestia muttered as she fumbled with yet another buckle on Arrow’s armor. His legs flailed about limply as she tugged and yanked the many straps connecting the armor to his gorgeous, muscular body.

Each failed attempt at loosening the armor frustrated Celestia more than the last. If it slackened in one area, it tightened in another, and half of the time, it did neither. Why were there so many superfluous straps and buckles?

“I don’t care what ‘brilliant innovations’ the Royal Guard R&D department is working on,” Celestia grumbled, “Their next project is creating clip-on armor.”

Throwing her hooves into the air, Celestia suppressed a scream and decided to cut her losses before she went mad. With a flash, golden magic sliced through the buckles, cleanly shearing them in half. At last, the straps released Long Arrow from their grip, and Celestia quickly ripped the stallion from their clutches before throwing the metal monstrosity against the farthest wall.

Finally, she could unwind from the day. With nothing to separate her from Arrow, Princess Celestia flopped onto the bed beside her little stallion and idly drew circles on his chest with her hoof. Yawning, she scooted over to the head of the bed, dragging Arrow along with her. The soft, inviting covers welcomed her as she snuck under them with her living body pillow.

As Celestia drifted off to sleep, Long Arrow held comfortably in her embrace, she couldn’t help but smile. Her little stallion would wake up tomorrow rested, happy, and very, very confused by the Alicorn in his bed.

He was very, very confused, but mostly irritated.

Kibbitz’s hoofsteps resounded through the hall as he stomped towards Princess Celestia’s bedroom. She may be Princess of the Sun, Diarch of Equestria, and his boss, but gods damn it, she had responsibilities. Shirking duties, suddenly changing rules, disappearing for entire days—what had brought about this sudden streak of unusual behavior?

Did ageless beings experience mid-life crises?

At this point, Kibbitz cared little for whatever excuses the Princess would muster when he confronted her. Regardless of how Celestia justified her scandalous behavior, he would personally nip this issue in the bud.

Scowling at the guards standing near Celestia’s bedroom, Kibbitz stormed past them and threw the doors open.

“Princess, I simply must protest this behavior,” Kibbitz said contemptuously as he burst into the room. “It is nearly eleven o’clock, Luna had to raise the sun by herself, and you have yet to even…”

From across the room, a glassy-eyed, unkempt stallion in Princess Celestia’s bed stared at him. His armor, hoof guards, and helmet were scattered across the floor, joined by Celestia’s regalia and shoes. As Kibbitz took in the scene, the stallion blinked wearily while he worked his mouth up and down in slow, wordless motions.

Without warning, Kibbitz’s attention snapped to the large, white pony lying beside the stallion as she stretched out a long, white leg and yawned loudly. Her eyes fluttered open and gazed satisfactorily at Long Arrow before leveling a sidelong glare at the other pony in the room.

“Is something wrong, Kibbitz?” she asked expectantly.

In that moment, Kibbitz wondered if he could impale himself with one of the guards’ spears before Princess Celestia banished him to the moon. After some consideration, he realized that he wasn’t as quick as he used to be.

“I…uh… I… um… I…”

“If your was goal was to awaken me, then you have accomplished it,” Celestia said curtly.

“N-n-no, Your H-Highness, I did not intend to—“

“Is there anything else you wish to accomplish?” Celestia asked, daring Kibbitz to challenge her.

Unless further agitating one of the most powerful beings on Equus could be considered an accomplishment, Kibbitz’s answers were limited.

“Princess, I-I-I do not, but please understand—”

“Then, as you can see,” Celestia interrupted as she leaned in to nuzzle the stallion’s cheek. “I have matters to attend to.”

“O-of course, I-I-I just… You see…”

As Kibbitz continued to stumble over his words, an unseen magical force tugged on his shirt collar. Steadily, deliberately, it dragged him out of the room. Then, in the second between his departure and the doors slamming in his face, he could almost swear that Celestia smirked at him.

Dumbfounded, Kibbitz stood numbly at the doorway, convinced that he would wake up from this nightmare.

“Should have knocked,” a voice beside him said.

He turned towards the guard on his right and stared, stunned.

“I’m just saying,” the guard continued. “It was pretty rude of you to barge into someone else’s room like that.

“I know right?” the other guard added. “When we were on street patrol, everypony had such better manners. Getting transferred is the worst.”

Collapsing onto his hindquarters and sighing, Kibbitz thought about what to do next as he glanced between the two Royal Guards. Impaling himself with one of their spears was still an option.

Private Long Arrow was very, very confused.

Surprisingly, it was not because of the Alicorn sharing his bed and nuzzling him affectionately.

As Celestia rubbed against him, her ethereal mane tickling his snout and brushing against his ears, he remained unmoved. Her hooves ran up and down his chest lovingly, but he didn’t appear to notice.

“Princess, how did I get here?” he asked.

“Mmmm, does it matter?” Celestia whispered in his ear with a quiet giggle.

Arrow opened his mouth to reply but closed it when he forgot what he was replying to. Looking down to the hoof caressing his chest, he said, “What happened to my armor?”

“Oh, those bits of metal and leather? They were getting between us. I put them where they belong—on my bedroom floor,” she purred.

“What did you put on the floor?” Arrow asked innocently.

“Hmmm…” Celestia leaned over, nibbling on his neck as she continued, “Your armor, my little stallion.”

“Oh… What about my armor?”

Celestia pulled back and dropped the sultry tone. “Arrow, what do you think is going on right now?”

“Well, I was in the Crystal Empire with you and Luna,” Arrow began.

“Yes.”

“And then we got iced tea and took it to the train station,” he continued.

“Yes.”

“And then—what was the question again?”

Sometimes, Celestia wished Star Swirl was still around; his enchantments never had side-effects like this.

Long Arrow drank twice as much iced tea as she had expected him to, and though he was “awake” now, his condition could hardly be called such. He wouldn’t recall any of this, which, for a less scrupulous pony, would be an opportune time for sexy fun. Unfortunately, Celestia was not an unscrupulous pony—even if she really wished she was right now.

“Okay, let’s do this some other time—some time when you’ll actually remember it,” Celestia said with a sigh.

“Okay,” Arrow replied agreeably. “Remember what?”

Smiling at her poor little stallion, Celestia levitated a sticky note and quill over from her desk.

“You have my deepest gratitude for all that you did with my Sister during your trip to the Crystal Empire,” she said, writing on the note as she spoke. “I know tomorrow is your day off, but take today off as well. Our plans can wait a few days.”

“We have plans?”

“Yes, we do!” Celestia said excitedly as she booped his nose, leaving behind the sticky note. “Now, why don’t you go home and rest?”

“Yeah.” Long Arrow nodded enthusiastically and looked around the room before his eyes settled back on the Princess.

“Go home,” Celestia said, pointing a hoof at the door to remind him.

Obedient but still groggy, Long Arrow rose from the bed and headed to the door. His hooves wobbled back and forth while his head swiveled drunkenly as he tried to keep his balance.

It was cute. Horrible, but still cute.

Celestia smiled. The magic in his bloodstream would cloud his memories of the past day or so, and she doubted he would remember sleeping with her, but she looked forward to the day when he would remember.

Eventually, he made it to the door—without incident, thankfully—although he did fumble with the handle before Celestia opened it for him with her magic.

“Bye, Princess,” Long Arrow said with a wave as he trotted into the hallway.

“Bye, Bye, Arrow,” Celestia replied, offering a polite wave before she shut the door.

“What happened to Kibbitz?”

“Sir?”

“He trudged by me on the way over here,” Captain Bronze Lance said. “Looked like he’d done a forced march through Tartarus.”

“Oh, he stopped by here earlier,” the Royal Guard replied. “Barged right into Celestia’s bedroom while she was still sleeping. Didn’t even knock.”

“Yeesh, doesn’t that stallion have any sense?” Bronze Lance shook his head and looked to the other guard standing beside the door. “Even in the middle of a changeling invasion, I wouldn’t dare disturb the Princess in her chambers without knocking first. No wonder Kibbitz—”

“Bye, Princess,” a stallion said as the Princess’s bedroom door opened.

“Bye, Bye, Arrow,” Princess Celestia replied warmly before the door closed.

The stallion looked to each of the three startled ponies. “Hey, guys,” he said.

His brown mane was an unkempt mess, and his blue coat smelled faintly of sweat and perfume. A sticky note clung to his nose and blew upward with each breath, not that he seemed to notice.

“Hello… Private,” Captain Lance replied uncertainly. Hesitantly, he peeled the note off arrow’s muzzle and glanced down at it.

Oh gods, no.

Give Private Long Arrow the day off and walk him home. He had a long night. -C.

Now it made sense. The disheveled mane, the lack of armor, the scent of sweat and perfume, the noises everypony heard the other day, Celestia giving Arrow the day off—she and Arrow must be—

“What does the note say, Sir?” one of the guards asked.

Some say that ponies go to Tartarus for thinking impure thoughts about the Princesses, but most recognize it for the old mares’ tale that it is. Every stallion in Equestria has clopped to one of the Princesses at some point. Unlike the tale, though, nopony has spontaneously burst into flames as the souls of the damned drag them into the underworld.

However, Captain Bronze Lance decided that today wasn’t the day to risk it.

“Uh, Celestia… Long Arrow… He needs to go home—now, in fact. He needs to leave the castle right now, and head straight home,” Bronze Lance said as his blood pressure skyrocketed.

“Is he okay? Should we do something, Sir?”

“No, no… you have your post. I’ll handle this,” Bronze said, looping a hoof around Arrow’s neck and dragging him along. “Come on, Soldier, you’ve earned some rest.”

Lucky motherbucker—all Bronze Lance had earned was another trip to the cardiologist.

At Least It’s Better Than a Harem

When Captain Bronze Lance received his promotion and all the duties associated with it, he didn’t picture this moment. Informing a stallion that he now held the position of “Personal Bed-buddy of the Princesses” didn’t exactly fit his job description.

Private Arrow sat quietly on the opposite side of Bronze’s desk while the captain thought of how to begin this terrifyingly uncomfortable conversation. Outside the office, ponies hustled and bustled about, oblivious of his dreadful predicament. Since sending the missive requesting Arrow’s presence this morning, Bronze Lance had done nothing but sit at his desk and agonize over this coming moment.

Sighing, Captain Bronze Lance hung his head in defeat. The sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could visit his cardiologist.

“I realize this is your day off, so I’ll be brief. We’re reassigning you.”

Private Long Arrow’s back straightened reflexively. “Sir?”

“Before you ask,” Bronze Lance said reassuringly, “no, it’s not because of your performance. You’ve more than earned your position in the castle. The Princesses and I simply believe this new arrangement will be more…” He tapped his hooves together nervously. “Convenient.”

Arrow blinked, but otherwise didn’t move.

“Private, I spoke with the Princesses today about certain… things I’ve noticed and offered them a suggestion; they decided to go ahead with it. I’ll sort out the paperwork later, but effective immediately, you are under the direct command of the Princesses. Your new official title is ‘Royal Protector of the Sisters,’ and your rank is equivalent to lieutenant.”

Also, your unofficial title is “Celestia and Luna’s Personal Gigolo.”

Bronze placed his head in a hoof and prayed to the gods for mercy, or at the very least, a swift death. He was enabling the Princesses’ illicit lover—on Their Highnesses’ orders, no less. If that didn’t secure his spot in Tartarus, then Tirek must be sitting on a beach and sipping martinis in the afterlife right now.

“If I may ask, Sir, what prompted this?” Long Arrow asked. “I graduated from the academy less than a year ago, and I’ve only been here for a few weeks.”

Was he trying to make this awkward? Did he want Bronze to just blurt out, “You earned it when you had super-happy-adult-fun-time with Their Highness,” is that what he wanted it to come to?

“It’s come to our attention that you have a special relationship with the Princesses,” Captain Lance emphasized.

“It’s not special,” Arrow replied. “Sir, the Princesses treat all of us equally—with kindness and respect.”

Bronze Lance coughed awkwardly as he thought of how to respond. This stallion either couldn’t take a hint, or had no idea that stuffin’ the muffin with the Princesses wasn’t part of his duties as a Royal Guard.

“There’s no need to be modest, Private. We’re aware of the… uh, rapport you have with Their Highnesses.” After all, not every stallion in the Royal Guard went on private trips to the Crystal Empire with Luna or slept in Celestia’s bed.

“I… see?”

“Yes.” Bronze Lance steepled his hooves as he continued. “When you report for duty tomorrow, you’ll be issued a new set of armor and given your updated duty roster.” He was fairly certain that Private Arrow’s old set of armor was still scattered across Celestia’s bedroom floor. “In the meantime, here’s your new access pass.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Arrow said as he picked up the card Bronze slid over to him.

“That pass will allow you to move freely about the castle, including the castle’s restricted areas. In more sensitive sections of the palace, guards may ask for written or verbal approval from one of the Princesses before allowing you to pass. Although, most of the time, all you need to do is explain why you need clearance. Guards won’t hassle you anywhere else in the castle if you flash that access pass.”

Long Arrow looked over the card, flipping it around in his hoof. “Permission to speak freely, Sir?”

“Granted,” Bronze replied as he set his forehooves on the desk and leaned forward.

“Isn’t this a breach of security?”

Captain Bronze Lance lowered his head into his hooves and rubbed his temples. “I appreciate your concern, Private, but I assure you, this is not a breach of security and will not result in one.”

Horse apples. It was absolutely a breach of security. Giving some rookie full access to one of Equestria’s most important buildings didn’t sit well with the captain. He trusted his guards, but this still presented a major security hazard—not that Their Highnesses cared—and it only got worse when Luna made her suggestion.

“Now, continuing on, your access pass also functions as a credit line to the royal treasury. Every purchase you make with credit will be tracked and must be approved by the Princesses at the end of the month. You’ll have to pay back the treasury for whatever expenses aren’t approved.”

Secretly, Bronze Lance hoped that the list of expenses wouldn’t consist of condoms, socks, alcohol, and edible panties, but he knew that it probably would. The Princesses would likely approve all of them.

“Do you have any questions?” Bronze Lance asked indifferently.

“Yes, Sir. I don’t under—”

“Good,” Bronze interrupted. “So does everypony else in Equestria. Dismissed.”

Long Arrow’s mouth hung open, mid-sentence. For a moment, he sat in his stair with a hoof raised, uncertain of how to respond. Hesitantly, he stood, saluted, and left the room with a confused look in his eyes.

Captain Bronze Lance shuffled through the papers on his desk, trying to look busy as Arrow exited his office and ponies looked in through the open door. When the door finally closed again, signaling the end of his meeting with Private Arrow, Bronze leaned back in his chair with a sigh and stared at the ceiling.

Shining Armor never had to deal with this.

“Does Long Arrow’s plot belong to us yet?”

“Okay, Luna,” Celestia said with a sigh. “For the last time, out meeting with Captain Lance did not involve the ownership of anypony’s plot. Arrow’s plot belongs to Arrow, not the Royal Guard, and not us.”

The Sisters sat in Luna’s bedroom, enjoying the late afternoon sun as it streamed through the open balcony doors. A breeze drifted through the room, carrying warm, fresh air and the scent of the castle’s garden. Celestia relaxed on a sitting pillow as she sipped her tea, while Luna reclined on a couch across from her. Cookie crumbs dotted Luna’s coat and muzzle, and a half-eaten bag of cookies rested on her chest.

“Really? Give me ten minutes with him, and I can change that,” Luna replied, biting down on a chocolate chip cookie. “Five minutes if I’m allowed to use toys.”

“I’m ignoring you,” Celestia said, rolling her eyes. “What you want to know is whether he’s been reassigned to us or not yet, and the answer is yes, I believe he has. The captain’s meeting with him should be over now, and Arrow will assume his new position tomorrow.

“I still disapprove of calling Long Arrow in on his day off, but Bronze Lance was so determined to settle it today.” Celestia set her tea down, rolled onto her back, and stretched her hooves to the corners of the sitting pillow. “It’s unusual; he’s normally much more considerate of when ponies clock out for the week.”

“I know,” Luna said. “I’m surprised that he actually got something done.”

“Oh hush, Lulu,” Celestia said, closing her eyes as she bathed in the sunlight. “He gets more done in a week than you do in a month. You’re just upset that he doesn’t cater to your every whim like Shiny did while he was dating Cadence.”

“Shining Armor did not ‘cater to my every whim.’ He took the wise advice of a being millennia older than him,” Luna retorted. “The Royal Guard is fat, lazy, and complacent. Before they were disbanded, the Equestrian military never would have allowed such disorganization and sloppiness in—”

“Hot stallions,” Celestia interjected, flicking an eye open.

“What?” Luna asked, confused.

“You just miss watching all the stallions at the wargames and parades Shining Armor used to put on, don’t you?”

I-I-I, wh-what?” Luna’s eyes darted around the room. “Th-that’s ridiculous!”

“That’s why you don’t like Bronze, isn’t it? Because he doesn’t put on as many training events, so you don’t get to watch fit, sexy guards work their flanks for your enjoyment.”

A bright pink blush spread over Luna’s cheeks as her eyes grew wide.

Rolling onto her side, Celestia broke into a giggling fit. “Well, maybe Long Arrow can help you with that after I’m done with him tomorrow!”

“Yeah, yeah, you get first turn. ‘Older Sister privilege’ or whatever,” Luna grumbled, waiting for her blush to fade. “It was unfair when we were fillies, Celly, and it’s unfair now.”

“Unfair?” Celestia smiled incredulously. “Leaving me to deal with a stallion still under the effects of a sleeping enchantment is unfair. Arrow and I were supposed to spend the day together, but he was barely even conscious.”

“Not my problem that you suck at sleeping enchantments,” Luna pouted.

Choosing to pardon the insult, Celestia continued, “Be that as it may, it’s only fair that I get the first day with him in his new role, since I had to scrap my plans with him yesterday.”

“Phfft, I bet you two won’t even do anything exciting tomorrow. What do you have planned, Sis? A wine tasting at some snobbish Canterlot art gallery?”

Celestia smirked. “Yes, something like that.”

Baby It's Cold Outside

Author's Note

This chapter isn't nearly as humorous as I had hoped it would be, but I still think it's worthy of publishing, and it sets up some later chapters that I look forward to writing. Hope you enjoy! :trollestia:

Baby It's Cold Outside

Why were her wings so stiff?

Luna trotted beside the castle airstrip, stretching her wing joints.

*Pop*

That didn’t sound good.

*Crack*

Nope, definitely not good.

She didn’t mind her wings being stiff—Luna appreciated a good wingboner as much as the next pony—but wingboners don’t cause sounds like that.

Working her wing muscles up and down, Luna took a deep breath and looked across the runway. Pegasi practiced their emergency aerial maneuvers overhead—diving, swerving, and barreling through the sky with practiced ease. Near the hangers, ponies milled about and chatted as they tinkered on airships, chariots, and anything else capable of flight. Farther down the runway, a few hot air balloons and their crews rested on a large patch of grass, waiting for their turn in the sky.

“Princess!”

Luna smiled as she caught sight of Long Arrow cantering down the path towards her.

“Are you ready to depart, Your Highness?”

“Yep, just needed to pick these up,” Luna said as she patted her empty saddle bags. “And save the titles for Canterlot nobles. Call me Luna.”

“Yes, Princess Luna,” Arrow replied. “Forgive me for saying this, Princess, but your request for me to accompany you to the Crystal Empire was very sudden, and your decision to fly there is… unusual.”

“Yes, Arrow, it was and it is,” Luna said, grinning. “You must have some questions.”

“I do, Prin—“

“Luna,” she interrupted. “But everything will make sense once we arrive.”

After Long Arrow nodded in response, Luna offered him a polite smile and continued down the path towards the field at the airstrip’s end. Together, they cantered past the hanger and the pegasi in flight, and beyond where the hot air balloons waited. Near the edge of the field, where the land dropped off into a valley and the grass grew long and wispy, Luna and Arrow took to the air.

The two soared above the castle, gaining height, before diving into the valley surrounding Canterlot. Princess Luna’s lips gradually stretched into a smile as the mountain range sheltering Equestria’s capital city gave way to open fields and rolling hills. Beneath her, a river meandered north towards Neighagra Falls and led the way to the Crystal Mountains.

Carried by the strong winds, Luna and Arrow ascended above the scattered clouds dotting the sky, giving them a clear view of the way ahead. It would take at least eight hours to reach the Crystal Empire—not that they would make it there today; that wasn’t part of the plan.

The thought of her plan nearly made Princess Luna squee in delight. Sneaking a peek at her travel companion, Princess Luna hid a smirk from the oblivious stallion. Mountains and forests passed by unnoticed below her as she flew towards the Frozen North, but the pony to her side stole more than a few of Luna’s glances.

Long Arrow easily managed to keep pace with her in flight, proving that his toned wing muscles weren’t just for show. Even as they entered the tundra, his resolve, strength, and endurance refused to falter.

“He must be great in bed,” Luna thought with glee as she looked to the clouds slowly surrounding them. Soon, she would find out what else Arrow could do with that strength and endurance, but she needed to play it cool—pun intended—for just a little longer.

Further into the tundra, as the temperature dropped closer and closer towards the freezing point, a snowflake whipped by them. Then two snowflakes sped by. Before long, snow steadily fell from the rapidly darkening clouds overhead, and both ponies slowed. Ahead of them, a blizzard raged across the Crystal Mountains, blocking many of the peaks from view and obscuring the way forward.

As they flew into the storm, snow whipped into every unprotected inch of their bodies. It accumulated on their saddlebags and froze onto their fur. Both Long Arrow’s armor and Princess Luna’s regalia weighed heavily on them as it stuck to the metal coverings.

Scanning the horizon, Long Arrow unsuccessfully searched for the direction of the storm. It seemed to hang motionlessly in the air as they carried on towards the Crystal Empire. Talk of the Crystal Mountains’ treacherous nature was not unwarranted; blizzards in this area were renowned for their ferocity and duration.

Looking to Princess Luna, he said, “Your Majest—”

“Luna,” she corrected.

“Luna…” Arrow said, hesitantly testing the word’s taste. “Should we wait for the blizzard to pass?”

“No,” Luna said firmly, suppressing the urge to giggle. “The Crystal Empire isn’t much farther. We can make it.”

They didn’t make it.

Princess Luna looked over to Long Arrow; the poor stallion sat by the mouth of the cave, shivering. He put forth a valiant effort, and had Luna not led him in circles for nearly two hours, he would have made it. That, however, wasn’t part of her plan.

Once Arrow finally yielded to his exhaustion, Luna swiftly accommodated his need for rest. Guiding him to a cave she spotted earlier, Luna agreed to stop for the day and set up camp within the relative safety of the crystalline cave. After settling in, she started a small magical fire while Arrow prepared a few of his military rations, and the two had eaten in relative silence.

“Long Arrow, come over here,” Luna said before yawning. As loath as she was to admit it, today’s flight left her more tired than she expected.

Arrow, bleary-eyed and lethargic, quietly walked over towards the Princess and sat down near the fire. Snow whipped past the cave’s entrance as the blizzard raged on, but neither pony could muster the energy to care. The food coma was setting in.

“We need to conserve warmth.” Luna stretched out her hooves while yawning again. “Come here.”

Whether aroused by the situation or simply apathetic to it, Long Arrow gave a final shiver from the cold and trotted into Luna’s waiting hooves without a word.

She pulled him in and rolled onto her side as she breathed deeply.

“Mmmm.”

This entire trip may have been a scheme to conquer Long Arrow’s flank, but Luna could put off sexy-fun-time for a few minutes while they cuddled. Fighting off hypothermia didn’t have to be unpleasant, after all.

The Princess’s chest rose and fell softly as she hugged Arrow to her breast, breathing him in. He smelled like stallion—like sweat, testosterone, and other scents all mixed and mingled together.

On top of her, Arrow’s legs lay slumped around Luna’s body in a limp hug as his face rested on her chest. His armor sat by the fire, exposing his soft blue coat and thick, brown mane.

Gently stroking his wings, Luna contentedly hummed in satisfaction as she felt his stallionhood pressed against her. Each time she rubbed his fluffy down feathers, he moaned quietly from his weary stupor, bringing a tired smile to Luna’s face.

She leaned down beside Arrow’s ear and blew softly.

“You know…” Luna whispered.

“I heard…”

“the best way for ponies…” Her eyes gradually closed.

“to stay warm…”

“Is to…” She yawned noiselessly.

“make lo…”

Long Arrow didn’t hear a word as the Princess dozed off, joining him in a peaceful slumber. She lay slumped against the cave wall, clutching him to her chest like a body pillow. Next to the warm fire, the pair rested, undisturbed, protected from the storm outside, and content in their silent embrace.

*SNORE*

Arrow’s eyes shot open.

“You’re beginning to see things in your old age, Cumulus.”

“No, I swear I saw ponies flying through the storm yesterday.”

“Cumulus, do you really think anypony would try flying over the Crystal Mountains in the middle of that blizzard? That monster was special ordered, and we had to pull over half of the Crystal Empire’s weather teams to make it. Nopony would go out in that storm.”

“Go ahead and scoff, Stratus, but I know what I saw while we were putting the final clouds into place,” Cumulus said firmly. Pointing a hoof down at one of the mountains, he said, “Here, let’s check that cave.”

“Please, and what are we going to find there?” Stratus said as he glided down alongside Cumulus to the mouth of the cave. “Hey, who knows, maybe it’ll be a Princess… of… Equestria…”

Both stallions stood motionlessly by the entrance, gaping.

A stallion with red, unblinking eyes stared back at them wordlessly. Held tight in the grip of a dark blue Alicorn, he peered into their very souls. Next to them, pieces of regalia and Royal Guard armor encircled smoldering campfire.

*SNORE*

“What should we do?” Stratus whispered to Cumulus.

“Ask him,” Cumulus whispered back, glancing anxiously between the beleaguered stallion and slumbering Alicorn.

“Do you need help?” Stratus whispered in a slightly louder voice.

Long Arrow stared.

*SNORE*

“What happened?” Cumulus called softly to the stallion.

Long Arrow stared.

*SNORE*

“Are you and the Princess all right?” Cumulus called again while Stratus waved a hoof to get the mysterious stallion’s attention.

Long Arrow stared.

“We’ll, uh…” Stratus slowly backed away, dragging Cumulus along with him. “We’ll just… go.”

With his piercing, disquieting gaze, Arrow followed them away from the cave. Neither made eye contact with him. Anxiously, they both spun around to face away from the unspeakable scene behind them and took flight. Neither looked back.

*SNORE* *SNORT*

Arrow’s eyes darted toward his Alicorn tormentor.

“Mmmnnn?” Luna drowsily mumbled. Looking down to the stallion still in her grip, she smiled and pulled him into an embrace. “Good morning, Long Arrow.” She nuzzled his mane and hummed as Arrow’s soft, warm fur rubbed against her belly with each breath. “I hope you slept well,” Luna whispered in his ear.

“Good morning, Princess.” Long Arrow replied distantly.

“Didn’t I tell you?” Luna giggled sleepily, nibbling on his ear. “Call me Luna.”

“Of course… Luna,” Arrow replied as he stared into oblivion.

“You could also call me… Lulu, if you prefer,” She purred, closing her eyes in bliss. Arrow’s hooves were still limply wrapped around her in a light hug, and she contentedly reveled in the sensation of his touch.

“The storm has passed. Are you ready to depart?”

“Mmmmm, sure,” Luna said, pausing to yawn. “Just five more minutes.”

They left for the Crystal Empire 41 minutes and 27 seconds later. He counted.

“Are you bucking kidding me?” Luna asked incredulously. “The first edition is garbage. It has, like, ten tournament viable cards.”

“That’s only because of power creep. Oubliettes & Ogres: The TCG used to be balanced,” the pale-yellow unicorn mare retorted.

“Phft, yeah, and about as interesting as 2nd edition Dragons & Dragons.”

“We don’t talk about 2nd edition!”

“Oh, and 3rd is better?” Luna said with a condescending smirk.

“It’s just a slight misstep in the development of an innovative new—”

“Tabletop roleplaying experience designed for lobotomized, pretentious snobs,” Luna interrupted. “And maybe, if it didn’t railroad players so hard, ponies might actually enjoy the game. Even if I ordered him to play it, I doubt Private Long Arrow here could endure more than five minutes of its endless tedium.”

“Why, I never! You have some nerve talking about—”

Long Arrow closed his eyes and sighed as the buzz of ponies chatting—all of whom were considerably more cheery—drowned out Princess Luna’s argument with the mare.

Dozens of ponies stood in line outside the shop, waiting for it to open. Mares, stallions, colts, and fillies from across Equestria came to witness the grand opening of Crystal Gaming, the Crystal Empire’s first game store, and Luna was one of them. However, the reason she truly came was what would happen after the store opened—when they would give the first hundred customers a massive discount.

Though Luna had other reasons for flying to the Crystal Empire rather than simply taking the train, losing out on the deal of the year was certainly the most important. The first available train from Canterlot wouldn’t pull into the station for another thirty minutes, and Luna would lick a rock farmer’s hooves before she missed an opportunity like this.

Opening his eyes, Arrow looked listlessly down the line towards the shop’s entrance; ponies were counting the seconds until it opened. He and the Princess hadn’t arrived particularly early, so they stood somewhere in the middle of the line, but easily within the first one hundred.

“Perhaps, if you’re into that sort of thing,” Luna said, looking at the mare dismissively. “But a good GM can work within the framework of the Oubliettes & Ogres universe to create engaging, mentally-stimulating adventures that still allow players freedom and choice.”

“Yes, but can’t you see that Dragons & Dragons is a post-modern commentary on—”

“Crystal Gaming is now officially open!” the manager yelled as she opened the doors, interrupting dozens of conversations taking place throughout the line.

A mass of ponies immediately surged into the store, quickly snaking through the aisles and lining up at the register. Earth ponies and pegasi alike stuffed their saddle bags full of cards and collectibles, and more than one unicorn held a tower of game boxes aloft with their magic.

“Welcome everypony!” the middle-aged, crimson mare near the entrance said. As each group of shoppers passed by, she welcomed them into her shop with a smile and a simple set of directions. “The line starts right there and takes you through each aisle. Let one of the staff along the way know if you need help finding anything.”

Everypony moved at a constant, methodic pace thanks to the efficient cashier behind the register and the helpful staff positioned throughout the aisles. Despite this, some still had difficulty waiting for their turn to scavenge the store for bargains.

“Ooooh, come on. Hurry, hurry,” Luna said, trotting in place impatiently. Her quarrel with the argumentative mare being long forgotten, Luna poked her head around the ponies in front of her and tried to see inside Crystal Gaming. One after another, customers left the shop with bulging saddlebags and an anxious stare directed at them from the Princess of the Night.

Countless other ponies in line mirrored Luna’s motions; even the mare from earlier had lost herself to unbridled enthusiasm. Some bounced up and down, others squealed in excitement, but nearly all of them drooled when a stallion walked out of the store with a detailed replica of the U.S.S. Venture from Star Trot.

Eventually, after a few minutes of impatience and what felt like an eternity of waiting, Luna and Arrow finally neared the door.

“Princess Luna, we’re honored by your patronage,” the manager said as she welcomed the two into the store.

“Uh-huh, sure—thanks,” Luna replied, glancing over the mare’s head. “Private Long Arrow, find every piece of limited edition Oubliettes & Ogres merchandise in this store. We’re not leaving until the shelves are bare!”

“Yes, Princess Luna.”

“No. Not Princess Luna,” she corrected with an unusual twinkle in her eye. Thrusting a hoof into the air, she said, “Grand Sorceress Nocturna!”

“Yes, Grand Sorceress Nocturna,” Arrow replied wearily.

As the Sorceress and her stallion set off on their quest, no collectibles escaped their notice. Rare and valuable loot—rulebook variants, collector statuettes, booster packs, and miniatures alike—lay scattered all around them, just waiting to be plundered. With each step taken and each aisle searched, their treasure sacks swelled larger.

Ponies around them mercilessly pillaged merchandise from the shelves—everything from Fallout: Equestria keychains to Wizardry: The Conjuring socks—but the Sorceress remained focused. Beside her, Nocturna’s faithful stallion kept a vigilant watch for any hidden spoils, of which there were many.

“Grand Sorceress Nocturna, did you see these misplaced Call of Star Swirl items?” Long Arrow asked. “I believe they’re meant to go in the previous aisle.”

“Well done!” the Grand Sorceress exclaimed. “Your perception is high for a non-rogue. Get one of those posters, some booster packs too.”

“Sorceress, we picked up four of the same card packs earlier.” Long Arrow responded dryly, stuffing a poster in his saddlebags.

“You’re right.” She put a hoof to her chin. “Just grab the whole box.”

Arrow paused with his hoof raised and a question on his lips but quickly reconsidered voicing his inquiry. Placing the box in her saddlebags, the two rounded the corner of the aisle as they entered the final stretch. Their bags were full to bursting, but the cash register was in sight.

To their right, an empty showcase awaited the many champions that would grace its surface, and a blank tournament bracket stood ready for all the competitions that would soon take place. On the other side of the aisle, dozens if not hundreds of miniatures sat haphazardly on a shoulder-high, aisle-long shelf.

“Nocturna,” Arrow said, turning to face his magical mistress. “Do any of these figures interest you?”

“Hmm?” Nocturna pulled herself away from the tournament schedule.

Behind Arrow, unboxed miniatures from a multitude of series covered the entire shelf. Without much effort, she could identify figures from Oubliettes & Ogres, Battlefield Equestria, Dragons & Dragons, and even Shadowtrot. Mausoleums and tombstones rested between the miniatures, and a fog gem hidden behind the display poured out ominous smoke to complete the display.

As the Sorceress gazed over the mishmash of sci-fi and fantasy, perplexed, a unicorn stallion from further down the aisle trotted over to them.

“That’s the miniatures graveyard, only used and clearance figures in this section,” he said. “It’s great for ponies new to tabletops, or those in need some NPCs.”

Motioning to their saddlebags, the pony continued, “I see that you don’t fall into the former category, Princess.”

“I do not,” Luna replied with a chuckle. “Though these prices are very tempting, perhaps I could use a few extras for my next campaign.”

She picked up one of the figures and rotated it in her hoof. Sloppy paint and poor color choice, but with a bit of effort, it could be salvaged.

“And what of your stallion friend?” the unicorn asked, turning to face the guard accompanying Princess Luna.

“I am only here to assist the Grand Sorceress Nocturna,” Long Arrow replied as he perused the display. “I have no experience in tabletop RPGs.”

“Oh, more of a LARPer. I can respect that. You know, we actually have a wonderful selection of—”

“Nonsense.” Luna looked up from the figure in her hoof and stared at her stallion in disbelief. “Surely you intend to join my party’s next adventure.”

“Only if you so desire, Your Majesty.”

“Of course I so desire,” Luna said, rolling her eyes. “Just pick something out.”

Acknowledging her with a nod, Arrow turned back towards the shelf as the other stallion trotted over to another group of customers.

A multitude of figures occupied the display, but she doubted Arrow would have trouble deciding. After a few minutes, the stallion already held two miniatures in his hooves, neither of which she could see. As he glanced between them, examining the details of each model, Luna took another few steps toward the cash register.

She appreciated the effort he was putting into his choice, though she wished he had more time. He could create another character later, this is true, but Luna spent hours dreaming up her first character, “Warrior Princess Moonlight Breeze.”

A horrendous self-insertion character, yes, but one that was dear to her nonetheless.

Moonlight Breeze’s eventual death remained an upsetting event long after the game ended. However, it also led to one of Luna’s finest campaigns when she sought revenge for the regicide as her new character, Apprentice Sorceress Nocturna.

Even now, despite playing as an exceedingly more complex and nuanced character, Princess Luna still considered waking the warrior princess from her eternal slumber for an adventure through Tartarus. Perhaps Long Arrow could join her.

“Sorceress?”

“Hmm? Oh, Arrow.” Luna’s attention drifted back to her current adventure—waiting in line while Arrow chose his character. “Have you decided?”

“Yes,” Arrow said as he held a miniature up. “I believe this pegasus guard will be a valuable traveling companion.”

“I agree,” Luna said with a chuckle. She wouldn’t mind a pegasus guard companion either. “But you can be anypony you want in a tabletop game. Wouldn’t you rather be something like a bloodknight or a necromancer? Something less…”

Princess Luna looked at the figure in Arrow’s hoof, and then at the hoof’s owner. If one of them wasn’t made of plastic, they could have been brothers.

“Boring,” she finished.

Long Arrow’s gaze fell to the figure in his hoof. “I see,” he said calmly.

“Why not pick out another character and then meet me at the register?” Luna said. “There are still a few ponies ahead of us.”

Nodding silently, Arrow returned the miniature to the shelf and delved back into the hordes congregated around the graveyard.

Luna smiled and shook her head; gods bless him, he was trying. She stepped forward, making sure to keep pace with the line. After seeing Arrow’s first choice, Luna was tempted to choose a character for him, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. He needed to grow into his character, and he wouldn’t be able to do that if she tailored his character to her own tastes.

As the ponies in front of her meandered towards the register, Luna’s thoughts wandered back to the adventures she would go on with Arrow. Undoubtedly, it would be a tale of romance, debauchery, and blood, but the twists and turns tying it together remained a mystery. Once she returned to Canterlot, she would have to iron out the campaign’s details.

Normally, she disliked authoring her own adventures—foreknowledge ruins the sense of discovery and excitement—but this would be an unusual crusade. They would still be fighting monsters with magic and swords, but the real battle would be fought with sexual innuendo and skimpy outfits. Luna still had a bet to win, and more importantly, a stallion to woo.

Her normal game master was out of town for the month, which was for the best, since he probably wouldn’t approve of her plans. Luna could find a substitute without much difficulty, but she also needed another player to round out her party. Maybe somepony from her usual tabletop group could join them. Well, a stallion from the group, anyway. She was already competing with Celestia, Luna didn’t need any more competition for Arrow’s affections.

As another pony trotted away from the register with full saddlebags and a large smile, Princess Luna stepped forward to take their place at the checkout counter.

“Hello, Princess! Is there anything else we can help you with?” the cashier asked with a smile.

Pulling herself from her thoughts, Luna slid her saddlebags onto the counter and offered a polite smile. “No, thank you.”

“You’re welcome! Now let’s see what you… Ooooh,” the stallion behind the counter said as he opened one of the bags. “This may take a while, Your Highness.”

“Of course, there are items in his bags as well.” Luna gestured to Arrow as she looked at the impulse buys on the counter. “Private Long Arrow, it’s time. Have you made your final decision?”

“Yes, Sorceress,” Long Arrow replied, cantering over to the counter and setting the miniature, along with his saddlebags, on the counter. “Here it is.”

“Good. Now, let me see what you—”

What. The. Buck.

The… thing Arrow had chosen was equine in nature—barely—but it lacked any legs. Instead, a cannon, a sword, a motorized spring, and a wooden prosthetic with magical runes carved onto it functioned as limbs for the abomination.

“I think I’ll name him Fortune,” Long Arrow said unsarcastically.

A permanent look of horror and rage was etched on the creature’s face, possibly because it’s eyeballs had been plucked out. Alternatively, it could have been upset about its scorched mane, ragged ears, blood-soaked coat, or skull-shaped cutie mark. Overall, it had a lot of reasons to be angry.

“My,” Luna whispered, desperately trying to hide the twitch she was about to develop. “How did you choose such an… interesting character?”

“I did as you suggested.” Long Arrow replied, glancing down at the figure. “I found something less boring.”

“Mhmm.” Luna nodded furiously. “You did that.”

Bucking Tartarus.

She needed to do something—fast—or accept that Nocturna’s next “adventure” would be getting in bed with… Luna hesitantly looked down at the miniature once more.

Nope, nope, nope.

A line of ponies extended behind her and Arrow, and each mare and stallion eagerly awaited their turn to purchase overpriced pieces of plastic and cardboard. Helping Long Arrow choose another character would take forever; giving up her spot in line meant giving up her discount.

And Luna wasn’t giving up her discount.

If there was a decent gaming store in Canterlot, she would just take Arrow there on the way home, but there wasn’t. The proprietor of Canterlot Quests was a Dragons & Dragons snob, and she refused to do business with him. The next closest store was in Baltimare, but that would require another day trip. Celestia had already claimed him for tomorrow, and the day after that was Arrow’s day off. Luna couldn’t wait for an opportune time; her Sister was already scheming to conquer his plot.

Somehow, someway, she had to get another figure into his hooves before they left the store. Good thing Celestia and Luna oversaw the Royal Treasure directly.

“You-know-what—”

*Clatter* *Rattle* *Clatter*

Approximately three dozen figures clacked onto the counter, flung there from the graveyard by Luna’s magic. Slowly, the cashier looked up from the register to see the nervously fidgeting Princess smiling maniacally at him.

“I-think-I’ll-just-buy-these-too.”

Making ponies wait in line isn’t evil, regardless of what their glares may imply.

After ten minutes of dirty looks from the ponies behind her, Princess Luna trotted out of Crystal Gaming. Arrow followed behind her carefully, awkwardly trying to balance the box containing all the miniatures. Unfortunately, after Luna’s additional purchases, they couldn’t fit everything in their saddlebags, and the store was waiting on a shipment of shopping bags and boxes. The cashier did, however, have an empty donut box sitting behind the counter.

Luna would have preferred a box of donuts instead of figures, but she couldn’t complain.

So long as Arrow’s abomination could “disappear” and be replaced with something less horrifying, there was nothing to whine about. Not all the characters she threw onto the counter fit in with the Oubliettes & Ogres’ universe, but a bargain is a bargain, and she would find a use for them.

“Sorceress,” Long Arrow said, grunting as he wedged the box in one of his wings. “If you’re ready to leave the Crystal Empire, the train station is two blocks away. We will arrive there before the next departure if we walk quickly.”

“Stallions—always in such a rush,” Luna chided. “We’re in one of the most beautiful, magical cities in Equestria, and you already want to leave?”

“What I want is irrelevant, Grand Sorceress. I simply thought it best to inform you.”

“Good stallion,” she said with a wink. “Remember that when you find a marefriend.”

“Yes, Nocturna.”

“Now,” Luna said as she glanced across the street, eyeing a small café. “Let’s grab—”

“Private Long Arrow!” a soft, kind, sickeningly sweet voice called—a voice that was most certainly not Luna’s.

That motherbucker.

“My, what are you doing so far away from home?” she asked.

“Princess Celestia,” Arrow replied, turning to face the Princess of the Sun. “I flew here while accompanying Grand Sorceress Nocturn—”

“Shh, No-no!” Luna desperately flung a hoof over Arrow’s mouth, but her Sister had already heard too much.

Celestia turned to “Grand Sorceress Nocturna” and grinned wickedly. “Oh, you flew all the way here? You must be so tired. And who did you say your companion was? Grand Sorceress Nocturna?”

“Yes. Princess Luna has requested that I call her—”

“Yes-that’s-nice-thank-you,” Luna said, shoving her hoof into his muzzle. Neither bothered nor surprised by the situation, Private Long Arrow stood motionless as a blush formed on the Princess of the Night’s cheeks.

“My little stallion,” Celestia said between giggles, thoroughly amused by her Sister’s discomfort. “Could you get some iced tea for all of us? I believe my Sister wishes for a moment alone with me.”

Taking a step back to free his mouth of Luna’s hoof, Long Arrow replied, “Yes, Your Highness,” before trotting away.

As he crossed the street, weighed down by his saddlebags and with the donut box still wedged awkwardly in his wing, Luna glared at Celestia. “How did you find us?”

Celestia watched Arrow carefully wedge himself through the door of the café. Despite his best efforts, the bulging saddlebags strapped to his flanks got caught on the doorframe. Sighing, he pulled on them feebly until his head drooped. A crystal pony inside the café offered to help him, but he declined their help, and after one final push, he made it through the door unassisted.

“He filed the necessary paperwork with his superiors before leaving the castle,” Celestia eventually replied.

Drat.

Raising an eyebrow, Celestia continued. “Trying to whisk my little stallion away from me, Sister?”

“I’m afraid I already have, Sister,” Luna spat back. “He and I were quite… intimate last night.”

“Mmm, yes. A few weather ponies that stopped by your cave informed me that you kept him up all night, if you know what I mean,” Celestia said smugly.

The blush returned to Luna’s face and her eyes grew wide. “O-o-of course. Why, our passionate lovemaking lasted all night—into the dawn, even. His stamina and endurance were something to behold.

“Oh, I would say so,” Celestia agreed. “Not many ponies could spend the night as a snoring Alicorn’s body pillow and still function the next day.”

Luna’s blush deepened as Princess Celestia leaned into her ear and whispered, “Nice try, Lulu, but sleeping with a stallion and having sex with him aren’t the same thing.”

Behind Celestia, the bell above the café’s entrance jingled as Arrow exited the establishment. Drink carrier in hoof, box in wing, and saddlebags on flank, Long Arrow steadily made his way back to the Princesses. Luna hurriedly covered her face—and her embarrassment—while Celestia turned around to face the weary stallion approaching them.

“Thank you, Private,” Celestia said warmly as she levitated the drinks from his hoof. “Come, let’s walk to the train station and sip these while we wait for the next train to Canterlot.”

“Yes, Sister,” Luna replied through gritted teeth. “Let’s.”