Celestial Taco Chronicles

by AuTiSm

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 985

Equestria is threatened by a celestial spacetaco that is immune to magic. Twilight oversees the construction of a counter-spacetaco

Equestria is threatened by a celestial spacetaco that is immune to magic. Twilight oversees the construction of a counter-spacetaco, also known as Equestria's last hope against the extra-terrestrial menace.

Idea by Nighttide, it's all his fault.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-21 22:51:47 UTC

The world will fear the wrath of the tacos

Across the vast blackness of space, silence prevailed. Not the loudest thud nor the noisiest excretion of Taco Bell's foul and toxic food exiting a man's body could be heard...

It was serene, except for the gigantic taco cruising through space at the speeds of a snail on a wheelchair that's being pushed by a turtle.

Lying directly in the bean less taco's sights was a quiet little planet, one that sat blissfully unaware of the chaos that is about to ensue.

"Spike where the fuck is my book?" Screamed Twilight, looking through a telescope at a bizarre shape in the sky.

"idk bitch get your own damn book" responded Spike angrily. It was a normal exchange for the two, both hurled insults and black twitter memes at each other like nobody's business.

"Listen here you little green shit, I'm looking at some serious fucking stuff right now so you better give me that damn book or I swear to god I'll knock you in the jaw." Twilight replied, fuming but still looking through the scope.

Spike let out a sigh and climbed the ladder made of deceased baby armadillos to get Twilight's book. The book in question was as thick as a motherfucker. Like, thicker than your mum.

Boom, I went there.

Anyway, the little green shit hovered on his hover board towards Twilight, handing the Mace Windu colored pone the book.

"This book is thicker than two sumo wrestlers after a trip to McDonalds." Said Twilight.

"Exaggerated sigh. shit meme, 9 outta 11 get funnier next time." The dragon critiqued.

Twilight simply ignored her number 1 cockslave's remark, being too focused on her book. Not only was the book thick, each page was made of dildos doing battle with ninjas, and each letter drawn with the blood of the dildos.

"I see, this isn't an ordinary spacetaco, this is an advanced spacetaco! We're fucked." Said Twilight.

Spike took a hit of the bong he magically conjured up using ancient Egyptian pottery techniques. "Like, shit fam. Maybe talk to the princess bitch or somethin..." Spike said eloquently, his voice causing an orgasm in all mares within fifty miles and making every single stallion harder than Ninja Gayden.

"K" Replied Twilight, doing a double-backflip and landing on her newly grown talons sticking out of where her hooves should've been. She coughed like Ethan Klein and grew a penis, which in turn grew an arm, which in turn grew a hand, which in turn grew a pencil, which in turn began writing a note to Celestia.

When the penis was done, it detached itself from Twilight and put on a little hat and coat then took the next train towards Canterlot.

Princess Celestia just finished watching a movie. It was the best movie ever fucking made. The title was "How to be like Harry Potter and do drugs." She was enthralled by everything now, reaching a natural high better than the greatest Equestrian shroom dealer, Rebecca Black, could ever hope to sell.

"Ma'am, we just got an urgent penis delivery for you" said a guard dressed in full BDSM fetish gear.

Celestia nodded and motioned for the guard to let him in, and let him in he did. The penis hobbled and limped like Gollum, mainly because at some point on the trip to Canterlot, he actually became Gollum.

"A message my precious." Said Gollum in his newfound Bavarian accent, handing the princess bitch a message wrapped in marijuana leafs.

"Dear Princess, today I found out the meaning of having a cockslave. Spike isn't much of an expert in bed, but I'll never let him forget the day he saved me from Blackbeard and his mecha-pirate crew. Also, we're all gonna die cuz of that giant spacetaco about to crash into Equestria. Our blood is on your hands, bitch. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle." Celestia read the letter out loud.

"Can I get the pussy?" Asked Gollum.

"Sure thing fam." Replied Celestia, then their lips met and their toungesdanced together as the two embraced each other.

Five days later.

"Spike, all systems go?" Asked Captain Twlight of the A.S.S Spongegar, preparing the battle systems for the epic duel with the extra terrestrial spacetaco threatening their lives.

"Yep. Unless I forget to check hydraulics, but that would be stupid! Me, missing things? More like me... Oh shit the hydraulics."

In a rain of fire and doo doo, the A.S.S Spongegar exploded into beef. Where's the beef bitch? Here you fucking go you lil shit.

And that's the story of how Equestria became a wasteland planet used by the Taco Bell consortium as a garbage disposal world.

But wait, I didn't reach my thousand character limit!

Out of nowhere, Snopp Dogg and Pit Bull, now in their super Saiyan 4 forms, rushed in to meet the spacetaco.

"Hola mi amigos, we come here to save you." Said Super Saiyan Pit Bull.

"Eyy das rite homies." Snopp Dogg added, taking a whiff of a blunt and throwing it into the void.

"KAMEHAMEHA!" Screamed Pit Bull, charging his super ki blast at the taco. In response, the taco grew grotesque legs and flew out the way, only to have another blast ring out from 420 miles away. It was Snopp Dogg, who just fired his final flash.

Pit Bull charged in to deliver a super punch, only for his head to be torn off his neck, revealing his true form, a robot controlled by fifty actual pit bulls.

"My nigga!" Screamed Snopp Dogg in agony, watching as his friend's pit bull masters poured out of his body.

Taking another puff of the devil's grass, Snopp blew a ring into the tacos eye and left it open for his kamikaze attack. The explosion rocked Equestria, leaving a massive hole where the two stood.

And that is the meaning of Christmas.