Colgate's Rants 4: Fans' Choice

by StormLuna

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate
Length: 10017

It's me Colgate again and I have seen many, many patients over the years. I've seen so many that you guys could probably ask me to rant about a pony and I have seen them. That is what I shall now do!

It's me Colgate again and I have seen many, many patients over the years. I've seen so many that you guys could probably ask me to rant about a pony and I have seen them. I shall now provide the rants on those that you have suggested.

Published 2016-08-03 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-03 00:30:01 UTC

Truly

Truly (Suggested by Paradise the Librarian)

As you all know I have seen many, many patients in my days. Some live close to me, some come from not that far away, some I have to travel to see but this next patient will be a first. I could tell that she is definitely not from anywhere around here because she was a bit stockier and her eyes were much smaller. I'll find out where she is from soon enough but first I need to find out what brought her here.

I asked her and she said something about exploring a cave and going through a gray vortex and coming out in a dark forest. She seems like an honest pony but still, this seems very far fetched. Even if what she says is true, why would she come to my practice? If she wanted to know where she was she would have gone to Twilight's castle. She then told me that she had a pain in her upper jaw so despite my policy, I took her back.

While it wasn't bad, she did have a cavity. She tried talking to me while I was working on her and I let her know that we could talk afterwards because if we talked at that point, she may incur extra charges. Once I told her that she quieted down and I was able to get everything done that I had to get done. Next up was my favorite part of every appointment, when I would get paid.

Despite her being from Faust knows where, I asked her about how she planned on paying. She gave me a blank stare for a minute before pulling out a bottle of bubble bath mix. I gave her a look of disapproval and asked her what the hell it was. She could tell that I was not happy and told me that she was from Ponyland where they don't use money. She told me that they use a barter system instead.

Ponyland? Alright, now I have heard everything. I have heard a lot of tall tales in my day but I have never heard anypony come in and claim that they come from a place that is only in mythology books and my sister's comic books. At first this really pissed me off. I got in her face and yelled, "What? Ponyland? You do know that place is nothing but myth don't you?"

Once she began to cry I decided to calm down. Of course I thought maybe she was just pulling some sort of very annoying prank but then I realized that she does indeed resemble what the ponies from there were depicted as in those books. That along with it mentioning that they used that system so perhaps this is legit.

Alright, back to the whole bubble bath situation. She told me that this was a very special kind of bubble bath. My first thought was, "What the hell could be so special about something that useless?"

She started telling me about how one time she put some in a waterfall for the foals and the bubbles resembled hearts. I saw the label on that and it did indeed mention it. While I had no use for it I realized that I could sell it on the black market and likely make more than what she owed me. I gave her a smile and told her that this would be a legitimate form of payment. I also did something that I am no fan of. I apologized to her for yelling at her and claiming that she came from a mythological place.

She gave me a smile and told me that I was the first pony here that didn't immediately point out her small eyes and larger build and then sigh in disgust. I was shocked that ponies here would do that. I simply let her know that we're not all like that and she went on her way. You could say I learned something that day. I learned that Ponyland did indeed exist.

There was one pony I would never tell, my sister Lyra. If I did she would want to go try to find the portal Truly came to Equestria through and I was not about to go trying to find the portal Truly mentioned. It would likely be best if I tell nopony about a portal like that existing at all. Hell I might just see if I can cast a spell on myself to make me forget about it so that I wouldn't slip up and tell somepony about it.

Regarding the bubble bath, I did indeed find a buyer, IN MANEHATTAN. You know how I am, I was not about to mail it and wait for a payment. I took some time off and delivered it myself. I wanted to make sure I was paid what they told me they would pay. In the end I got 300 bits from some upper class mare, a mother of three. That was three times what Truly owed me so I am happy. Just to cover my travel expenses though, I'm going to jack up Aria and Adagio's rent. They damaged the stove in there a bit anyway and I am not happy about it.

Finally, after I wrote this I did cast that spell upon myself so the only ones who will know about the portal will be you guys. I look at this and wonder if maybe I didn't accidentally breathe in some laughing gas. Well I'm tired and need some rest. I hope you guys enjoyed this!

Author's Note

Truly from G1

Sea Swirl

Sea Swirl (Suggested by Superdogz1999)

The next patient I am going to go into detail with you is very special to me, or should I say extremely special to me, Sea Swirl. She was my very first patient after I set up shop in Ponyville after saving up for years. Here is how things played out.

I had returned to my hometown and couldn't be happier. After working for an asshole boss back east I was so happy to be opening shop at home and to have ponies I knew personally as patients. As I opened the doors Sea Swirl came in to see me. Her and I knew one another as fillies and while I can't be completely sure, I think she had a crush on me while we were growing up. Did I like her that way, you bet I did but I was a very nervous and shy pony back then so I never said anything.

Another thing about this time was that I was too naive to have put up a sign requiring payment being due at the time of service so before I even knew how she would pay me, I took her back. When I knew her when I was young she took just as good of care of her teeth as I did. Things had changed by that point, she had stopped brushing and she had three cavities.

While I liked Sea Swirl, I think part of my boss must have rubbed off on me because this immediately pissed me off. I smacked her and yelled at her for allowing her teeth to get in such bad shape. I could tell that she was terrified by this and I'll be honest, seeing a pony cower back in fear made me feel good, very good! Well I got to work on her and it took longer than I thought it would and caused me to fall behind schedule. I was behind schedule that day and I was late seeing every patient that day, which caused them to be unhappy.

Ok, back to Sea Swirl. When I took her up front to receive my very first payment, she didn't have enough money on her. Oh good grief, my very first patient winds up not having enough money to pay. Luckily for me though, I did take my former boss's advice and put a provision in the customer/doctor agreement that if they couldn't pay everything they owe me, I could do whatever I want to them. Well I took what money Sea Swirl did have and then took her into a private area where we could talk.

I showed her the agreement and she asked what I wanted. What did I want? I wanted a chance to have her as my marefriend. After all, she was and still is incredibly hot! I demanded that she take me out to dinner that weekend so that is what happened. We had a good time and after that, I wanted her to come to my place to talk some more. Well I cleared the rest of her debt and then things got hot and very kinky. By the following morning she was my marefriend and I couldn't be happier.

I guess her not being able to pay me in full was a good thing. I got myself a marefriend out of it, one who still is up to this very day my marefriend. I'm sure all of you know about the ones that I have in my harem, but Sea Swirl isn't a sex toy, she is much more. Yes she is sometimes jealous but I'm so good in bed and so sweet to her that she can't help but stay with me.

Princess Luna

Princess Luna (Suggested by poisonflame616)

My next patient is one of my favorites, Princess Luna. I am going to admit, she is one pony that I never imagined that I would have any issues with. Sadly though that would all change when some of her sister's bad habits began to rub off on her. Here is how it all played out.

She came in and like always, we had a friendly chit chat about how things were going on in our lives. Given that she has always had a way to pay, I never check to make sure she can pay me before I take her back. Something seemed different about her this time. Normally she will jump in the chair and open her mouth for me to examine. This time she nervously got into the chair and was very apprehensive about opening her mouth.

After asking her to open her mouth I would find out why she seemed so nervous. She had a cavity and her teeth were covered in plaque! Seriously, the one pony who I thought would always take care of her teeth let this happen. Now I wasn't angry at first, I was concerned. I asked her what the hell caused this and she told me about something that her sister and her had been doing lately. When I heard this, I was thoroughly PISSED!

Get this, she and her sister had begun having cake eating competitions. Even worse her bum sister told her that since she is an Alicorn that she doesn't need to brush anymore. Good grief, how could Tia tell her this when she has had shitty teeth. Being an Alicorn does not prevent one from getting a cavity!

Normally I would either blow my stack or smack a pony who suddenly stops taking care of their teeth but this is Princess Luna here. I simply gave her a stern lecture about how she should never have stopped brushing and warned her about what could happen if she continued to engage in these cake eating competitions with Celestia. She had a nervous look on her face and let me know that she would at least resume brushing. She better unless she wants to wind up like Bon Bon and have a mouth full of silver.

After giving her a stern lecture I finally go to work on her. She did shy back a bit when I injected the sedatives into her mouth but I was expecting this as chances were it was the first time she ever had this done. Once I finished working on her came the favorite part of every appointment, getting my money!

She handed me her LunaCare card and I was expecting it to cover 90% like it always does but get this, she has started to get cheap on her insurance! It now only covers 75% on dental and this pissed me off, a lot. I got in her face and yelled at her. I warned her that if her insurance were to ever drop it's coverage any lower, even by 1%, that I would have to quit accepting it as well. Even though she is quite formidable and knows I like and respect her, she shied back.

Want to know what was even worse? She didn't have any bits on her that day, NOT A SINGLE BIT! She is the Princess of the Night for Faust's sake! I would think she would carry money on her but since she didn't, I would have to be compensated for the remainder of her bill. Yeah it wasn't high but still, NOPONY tries to cheat me out of my money!

Now for what I did to make her compensate me. Well I called and rescheduled some appointments. After that we headed to the treasury in Canterlot. She led me in and my oh my, all those relics and all those bits were so appealing to me! Given the customer/doctor agreement, I ordered that she fill a good sized chest full of bits and then help me take them home. She didn't like it but she knew that the agreement is legally binding and applies to all ponies, no matter who they are.

In the end I got my money and was happy. What made me happier is that what I got in the end was probably 10 times more than what Luna owed me but that is besides the point. A Colgate who gets her money is a happy Colgate. So if you want to see me happy, just pay me what you owe me or you may not like the results!

Princess Flurry Heart

Princess Flurry Heart (Suggested by Rubiowolf)

I have had a previous encounter with my next patient before, not as a patient but as an annoying child that caused a lot of damage when her mama couldn't afford her appointment. Yes Flurry Heart is adorable, but that doesn't mean she's not a demon child that likes to destroy things. Besides causing damage to my practice, she did destroy the crystal heart as well. Here is how her appointment played out.

Now the very beginning of this would piss me off. It was a Saturday when Shining Armor, Cadence and Flurry Heart came down to see Twilight. Apparently that morning Flurry crashed into a wall and knocked a tooth out, well that is what Cadence told me when she brought her to my house! Yes, she had the audacity to come and bother me at my house. She begged and pleaded with me for about an hour before I finally caved in since time was running short on Flurry's tooth.

They followed me over to my practice but I did have a couple of conditions that had to be met for me to see her. The first one is that a horn cap would have to be placed on Flurry and she would have to be strapped into the chair given what happened the last time she was here. Yes Cadence protested at first but as time was ticking, she finally agreed. While I wanted to hurry up and demand money, I had to get this royal pain's tooth back in so I took her back.

Regarding Flurry, she was actually very well behaved and I had no issues getting her tooth back in. I was worried she would bite me but luckily that did not happen. If that would have happened, I would have sued Cadence. But things would start going downhill as soon as I unstrapped Flurry. She started flying around giggling, knocking things over and she damaged a light fixture. Cadence saw this and was not happy with her daughter. She wasn't the only one! When Cadence finally got her daughter subdued and saw me coming out with a glare on my face, she knew that things would not go well.

Naturally she didn't have any money on her so the three of us headed over to Twilight's castle. Get this, on the way there Flurry Heart was riding on my back and wrapped her hooves around my neck. Ok, I'll admit, maybe she isn't bad after all, she does seem to like me. Once we got to the castle they knew what it was about. Unfortunately for Shining Armor, he had no money on him either and all Twilight has in her castle are books but I was not about to let them get away without compensation.

Since it was still somewhat early in the day I along with the royal family headed up to the Crystal Empire. I decided I wanted something special, I wanted a relic of theirs as payment. I'll admit, my very first thought was demanding the crystal heart for payment but the absence of it would cause that place to freeze over so forget that. I'm sure I'll see something else that I'll want, hopefully be able to sell it and make a killing.

Once we got there they led me into the treasury since they know I like pretty, shiny things that are worth a lot of money. I saw this crystal snowflake and decided that I wanted it. They were really upset that I demanded it because it was a relic that dated back to the very first crystal queen. I would not be denied though. I reminded Cadence of the customer/doctor agreement and put emphasis on the light fixture that Flurry Heart broke. After an hour of protest from them, they finally gave in and I got my pretty relic.

As I headed home I couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction. I absolutely love being able to get another princess, despite her having been royalty longer than me, to have to pay up. Once I got into my house the phone starting ringing. When I saw the number on the caller ID I immediately answered the phone. Apparently Dr. Caballeron is wanting to buy something to sell to Ahuizotl. Sweet! It looks like I'll be in another Daring Do book!

Apparently Ahuizotl is looking for a crystal snowflake so he can not only try to freeze over a small area of Equestria, but the whole country! It's all good because I know in the end that Daring Do will make sure that doesn't happen. There is one great thing that happened, something that even I would have never imagined!

The good thing is that Ahuizotl paid me 20,000 bits for that thing. What made it better was that I was able to join Ahuizotl at his ceremony where he began to freeze over the nation and of course was there when Daring Do secured the crystal snowflake and saved Equestria from an eternal winter. Now on to the best part. I never really knew what Daring Do did with all these relics she goes and recovers. Apparently she has some sort of hideout where she keeps them because she told me that she didn't have any room in "her secret place" for the crystal snowflake. What she did was give it back to me for safe keeping. Wow! I'm 100% stoked now! I got paid 20,000 bits for that relic and I get to keep it!

Her only stipulation was that I do not let anypony know I have it. Fair enough, hey I have to hide that golden yak statue so I'll lock this in the same safe with it. I'm thinking I may have to invest in a vault if this is going to keep up. I am betting that in the future the royal family up in the Crystal Empire will remember to bring cash with them when they come to see me. I secretly hope they don't though because there is a silver Alicorn statue up in their treasury that I want so badly!

Amethyst Star

Amethyst Star (Suggested by Twily104)

My next rant will involve the SECOND patient I saw after opening shop up in Ponyville, Amethyst Star. Well she came in and she was in a less than pleasant mood. Guess what, I was in a less than stellar mood as well. She showed up without an appointment demanding I put a couple of teeth back in that got knocked out. Now I had a patient who was waiting for me to get things cleaned up after getting done with Sea Swirl. The fact that anypony would come in without an appointment really pissed me off.

Soon though I would discover why she rushed in without an appointment and asked if I could fit her in. Get this, Rainbow Dash was doing some dumb flying trick and crashed into her, knocking a couple teeth out. Now back then I hadn't developed this visceral hatred for athlete pegasi nor did I even know who Rainbow Dash was so I didn't go into the mad fury I would have today. What I did do though is ask the patient waiting to be seen if they would mind me taking Amethyst ahead of them and luckily for me, they didn't mind.

Once I got Amethyst back she began to talk about what an arrogant bitch Rainbow was. While I wanted to listen to her rant, I had to tell her it would wait because I only had so much time to get those teeth put back in. She quieted down and I got to work. Fortunately this was rather quick so once I got it done I listened to more of her rant.

She was telling me how Rainbow was doing some fancy ass trick that was sure to impress the Wonderbolts enough that they would let her in. Ugh, the Wonderbolts. I'd heard about how they go showboating around and charge ponies an arm and a leg to get into their shows. At that moment I knew that Rainbow was likely a narcissistic bitch so I decided I would start hating her right away rather than wait until I met her.

Once she ranted a little bit more I took her up front to collect my payment. She handed me her insurance card and it covered 85% of it which meant she still owed me 15 bits. Well guess what? She didn't have any bits on her! I decided that since she is quite attractive, well make that very attractive, that I would make her treat me to supper on Saturday. Hey I would be seeing Sea Swirl on Friday so I figured why not two dates in one weekend.

Well she took me out to supper on Saturday and things went quite well. Just like it was with Sea Swirl the night before, afterwards we went to my place and talked more about life and got to know one another more. One thing with her was that she continued her rant over not just Rainbow Dash, but other athletic pegasi that showboat and piss her off and I told her about my past and ranted about my asshole former boss and idiot co-workers. Given that we both like to bitch and complain about how other ponies piss us off, I could tell we were going to get along just fine.

Just like with Sea Swirl, things wound up getting fun as the night progressed and by morning we were marefriends. Now later that day the two of us met with Sea Swirl and told her that she would have to share me with Amethyst. I was so good in bed Friday night that she didn't mind! How many dentists can say that their very first two patients wound up becoming their marefriends the following weekend? Not very many, and that was long before I got the reputation of being the best dentist in not just Equestria, but in the entire world!

Cheese Sandwich

Cheese Sandwich (Author's Choice)

Alright, I know I've been a bit soft regarding my rants in this one but the next patient is one that I absolutely despise. You think Prince Rutheford was annoying and stupid? The next one, Cheese Sandwich is so stupid I'm surprised he can breathe without drowning in his own drool.

As you all know this idiot was the one who came into town, made Pinkie cry, caused her friends to become disloyal bitches and caused more chaos than Discord could ever dream of. Yeah, I get pissed off at Pinkie for not taking care of her teeth and conning the Cakes to pay her bills for her but still, she is an ELEMENT BEARER for Faust's sake. Here is how his appointment played out.

It was late in the day when he came in and I had already had an exhausting day filled with patients that don't take care of their teeth. As soon as he gets in he begins bursting into song about what a great party pony he is. Guess what, I don't give a fuck. He could be the best party pony in the world and it wouldn't matter to me any. After all, I work for a living and have better things to do than go to parties.

The very first thing I did when he got in was smack him and tell him to shut up. The second thing I did was tap on my sign regarding payments. He held up some sort of card claiming he had a way to pay. I took the card and he has something called "Party Planners Insurance." Before I was going to do anything I called them and asked them how much they covered on dental. Believe it or not but they claimed that they pay 90%. I figured that perhaps this wouldn't be such a bad appointment after all so once I got off the phone I took him back.

Like other ponies that don't give a shit about their teeth he was nervous about getting in the chair and opening his mouth. I had to use my magic to pry it open and get this, he somehow managed to have worse teeth than any patient ever. Yep, even worse than Bon Bon and Sombra. Every single tooth was rotten and cavity filled. What the fuck? How in Equestria does a pony let their teeth get this bad before coming to see a dentist?

I don't like this idiot to start with and when I saw this, I went into a fury. I began to savagely beat him! I beat him so severely that I gave him a horrible concussion and knocked every single one of those teeth out. I have decided that I will just lock him in my basement until Saturday so I can begin to give him implants. The cost of this will be astronomical though. The cost of each implant, the overtime fee, the weekend fee, the inconvenience fee and I'll bill him 20 times the cost of my meal breaks.

After keeping him in a constant state of sedation until Saturday morning, I began to work on him. Now with Sombra it took me all weekend because I made sure I did a perfect job with him since he did pay me in advance. With this idiot, I only did a half-ass job because who knows how much I'll really get out of him.

I got the procedure done by early the next day so I took him up front. Yeah he wasn't all that coherent upon checkout but I was looking forward to this. I hoped his insurance would cover the 90% they claimed and then he would pay me the rest. Well I ran it through and guess what, it was declined because the card had expired. Oh boy, I'm sure you know how I reacted to this. Now his total bill came up to 15,000 bits. Yeah I know it was only half of what Sombra had to pay me but hey, his teeth were a special case and he paid me in advance and you know I don't give change or credit!

After pumping him full of sedatives again I did some research. I learned that there was quite the demand for organs on the black market and the payouts are huge for them. I know I'm not a surgeon nor do I have the squeaky clean operating room that they do at the hospital but I decided to harvest some organs. I don't want to kill him but I did learn that a pony can function with just one lung and one kidney so those are what I went after.

While he was under full sedation I cut him open and took what I needed. Many may think that preserving those organs would be impossible but I knew of a few tricks. I read in a medical journal that by pumping anti-freeze and a glucose compound into livers and kidneys that they could be ‘super-cooled’ to 21 degrees* and preserved without actually being frozen. Don't ask where I got the anti-freeze from, I just had a feeling I might need some one day.

I sewed Cheese up and sedated him even further. I had to hurry up and sell those organs because they would have to be implanted in another pony in four days. I looked online and frantically searched for somepony who needs those organs. I found somepony in an hour and quickly set my plan in action. This pony lives in Canterlot and is very wealthy so after hogtying Cheese and throwing him in my basement, I headed to Canterlot.

Despite being wealthy, I had to meet with this pony and his banker in a dark alley. When I showed them the organs they gladly payed up. I got 150,000 bits for the kidney and 200,000 bits for the lung. Yeah I had to wait around until the following morning when the bank opened for them to give me a cashier's check but it was worth it. I have never made such a killing before in my life, woo-hoo!

Then I realized I had to get back home and probably have to put an obnoxious pony under again so I could execute the next part of my plan. When I got back he was screaming and yelling, wondering where he was. I was thoroughly pissed when I heard this so I smacked him and worsened his concussion. I kept him hog tied until late that night when I put him in a body bag and decided to haul him out to where he belonged, Tartarus.

When I arrived I had problems getting Cerberus to let me in but once he figured out I am a princess, he let me through. Like I said earlier, I am no fan of Pinkie Pie but Cheese made her cry and he is annoying. I hauled him down to the bottom most bowels of that place and put him in a cage before he woke up. After that I flew out of there and headed home.

Now regarding the check I was given. Despite me being a princess, I would still have to pay taxes on that income and that was unacceptable in my eyes. Want to know what I did? I traveled to the Neighmand Islands**, opened an account there and put my money in. I don't care what Tia thinks, I do not want my HARD EARNED MONEY being stolen from me. Despite Cheese being a royal pain, I was extremely happy after all of this was taken care of. Now if any emergencies come up I'll have some money abroad that I can access.

Author's Note

* For those who live outside of the United States, I am using the Fahrenheit scale.

** As far as I know, the Cayman Islands are still a tax shelter.

Sunburst

Sunburst (Suggested by SonicRPika)

As many of you know I often get patients from outside of Ponyville because either their dentist got shut down for having an unsanitary office or because they flat out suck. Surprisingly, my next patient does not fit into either one of those categories. Sunburst was referred to me by Starlight Glimmer. Assuming he can pay up, I might let her exert more dominance over my harem and who knows, I might let her dominate me once a month if Sunburst pays up.

He comes in and he seems like a nice pony, kind of quiet and shy. If this is any indication, he will wind up being just fine. I ask him how he is going to pay and of course he waves around an insurance card. I take a look at it and it reads "Crystallers Associates, Inc." I have never heard of it before so I took a look at the back of it and the phone number looks extremely suspicious. The customer service number is just one number off from the one for TiaCare. Given the difference in numbers I decided I would take him back.

Like so many other patients he was apprehensive to open his mouth. When he did open it I was shocked. Half of his teeth were broken off and naturally this pissed me off. I smacked him and asked him what the hell he was thinking. He started going on about how in the days before Sombra that crystallers would eat crystals and it would not harm them at all. If he has been doing that and they haven't made him sick, then perhaps he is related to Pinkie.

Of course he didn't have the broken pieces and unlike what I did with Cadence though, I did not use my magic to fix his teeth. Chances are he does not have any pretty relics for me to go and seize because I know he won't have enough for the co-pay when I'm done with this.

Now he seems calm and quiet on the outside but on that day I did learn he has a horrible temper. He began going ballistic that I would not use my magic to fix his teeth given that I did that for Cadence. I smacked him again and let him know that I only went against my principles because I figured Cadence would be able to pay me.

What I had to do was a technique I had never used before. I had to use a grinder to cut the tops off of his teeth down to where they would all be the same length. Yeah he doesn't have much in the way of teeth left but hey, I don't want him walking around with jagged teeth of uneven length. That would be a crime against his smile!

When I took him up front he was clearly grouchy but he wouldn't be the only one once I ran his insurance card through the system. It was declined because it claimed I was outside of the company's network. Before he could start going ballistic again I put a stun spell on him and called the number on the back of the card. It is odd, I know I have talked to this representative before. After grilling her for a few minutes I learned that his insurance is yet another subsidiary of TiaCare!

After that I was enraged. Yeah his bill came up to only 1,000 bits but still, he had no way to pay me. He had no cash on him and I highly doubt he has anything of any value. Wait a minute, he is an employee of the Crystal Empire so the empire will owe me for this. Now I didn't feel like returning with Sunburst up to the empire to demand my money that day, I did have other patients as well so I gave him a bill to hoof deliver to Cadence.

You're not going to believe this. Several days later I receive a cashier's check from The Royal Crystal Bank in the sum of 1,000 bits! Woo-hoo! I actually got paid without having to travel out of town and inconvenience patients to collect my money. Now am I going to make a habit of this? No I am not. If he comes down again and can't pay, I'll go home with him and I'm taking that silver Alicorn statue that I want so badly.

On a final note, since Sunburst inconvenienced me and I had to wait a bit for my payment, Starlight had to compensate me since she referred him. I revoked her rights to dominate the other mares in my harem for a month. So for a month she was just another slave but hey, she's still a happier mare than she was when she first came to see me.

The Cake Twins

The Cake Twins (Suggested by SonicRPika)

Like I've said before I've had patients come in as pairs and as it was in the case with Cloudchaser and Flitter, as siblings. These next two would be a very irritating. Mr. and Mrs. Cake brought their twins in to see me.

When they first came in and told me that I would be seeing them my first thought was, "Oh fuck, I have to deal with both of these little demons?" I refer to them as demons because I know how they are. Pumpkin is still having weird bursts of magic and Pound is still flying around like a rat with wings destroying everything.

I did take some precautions, precautions the Cakes would not like. For Pumpkin, I put a horn cap on her so she just can't take off flying and levitating things to herself to suck on. For Pound, I decided I would put him in a foal straight jacket. That will keep him from flying around causing damage.

The first one I took back was Pound Cake. As soon as he left his parents' field of vision he immediately started crying and out front Pumpkin started crying. I decided that for making so much noise that I will simply charge them more for these appointments. Hey, if I can't hear my Judas Priest over some damn foal crying I'm not going to be a happy camper! Hell I'd rather listen to Fluttershy's dumb birds screeching out of tune than listen to a foal cry.

I was able to get the little rat to quiet down. Yeah the way I did it was likely unethical but I don't care, it had to be done. I used a stun spell on him. That calmed me down, for a moment anyway. Once I started checking his teeth out, I was not happy with what I saw. Despite him just barely beginning to grow teeth, they already had cavities in them! How the hell does a foal with brand new teeth get cavities so quickly?

I quickly isolated the problem though, it has to be that shit his parents feed him. That crap leaves nothing but a wave of cavities in it's wake. Now I was not going to get mad at the little rat for this, its not like he controls what his parents shove in his mouth.

Now here is the major problem with baby ponies. I can not use silver on their cavities for two reasons. First, their teeth are so small it would likely turn their whole tooth into a silver mine and second, silver is toxic to ponies that young. Now you know how I feel about using magic on cavities but for ponies this young I'll make an exception. It will be his parents that will suffer over this.

Well I used my magic to fix his teeth and took him out so I could get the other rat. Despite me putting a horn cap on her, she would prove to be much more problematic. You know how she likes to suck on things? Well while I was examining her teeth, she clamped down on my hoof and bit me! Yes, she bit me! Great, just great, now I have to go get a tetanus shot, and yes I will bill the Cakes for that as well.

Another thing that pissed me off was that she had equally as bad teeth as her brother so like with him, I used my magic to fix her teeth. When I got out I had my hoof bandaged and they could tell that I was not one bit happy. When I let them know that their daughter bit me they became terrified. Hell, Mr. Cake fainted because he knew that they could be in serious legal trouble. Damn straight they're going to be in serious trouble. Not so much for their daughter biting me but for them allowing their twins' teeth to get in such bad shape.

First I'll discuss the payment. Despite everything going horribly for them so far, that is the one part where everything went fine. Their insurance covered 90%, they paid their co-pay and I was sort of happy. Now for the part that would really piss them off.

I decided that they were unfit parents. I played the role of foal protective services and took their babies away from them. Given that I couldn't find any good parents to take them I took them in myself. Now I definitely wouldn't have the time to watch them and I sure the hell didn't want to raise the little rats myself so here is what my plan was.

While I would control every single little thing that they ate, I decided that Trixie would take care of them during the day. She and Sonata are at home all day long since they don't have jobs. I chose Trixie because she will cause them to boast all the time, which will annoy other ponies later on. Sonata is too damn sweet and caring to mold them into what I want them to be. Now when the work day was over I forced Aria and Adagio to take them home with them. So during nights and over the weekend my bitchy employees would watch over them. I did warn those two though that if they abused them that I would haul them to Tartarus so they agreed to not abuse them.

You might be thinking why the hell would I have those two watch over them but I have my reasons. Mixing Trixie and those two into those little beasts would eventually produce results that I would like. When they eventually start school they will be arrogant little rats that will do nothing but talk back, cuss, boast all the time and make everypony's lives hell, including Cheerilee's!

So when they start school, they will drive her up the wall everyday and when her day is over, she will need a ton of TLC from yours Truly! Yeah they'll wind up being bullies and their new "parents" will get called over to the school all the time but I don't care. I rule the roost and I'll make sure they get away with anything and everything, well unless they were to do something to me, then it would be off to Tartarus with them.

Now of course the Cakes filed lawsuit after lawsuit to try to get them back but given that I am a princess AND the other princesses had to submit to my customer/doctor agreement at some point, there is nothing they can do. The Cakes finally got over it, rolled a couple more rats off the assembly line and luckily for them, they took much better of their teeth so I never had to take them away. Aria and Adagio are already going gray taking care of two little rats, I don't think they could handle two more.

Kevin the Changeling (Not really a rant)

Kevin the Changeling (Suggested by SonicRPika)

My next patient is actually a return patient that I never imagined I would see again. I actually had a lone changeling, Kevin, come in to see me. I have never heard of anypony with such a name. Perhaps changelings are different when it comes to naming their young. Maybe I'll go up to Canterlot and ask Chrysi about this.

Ok, back to my patient. He comes in and I am admittedly shocked. I pretty much figured that he would have absolutely no money or any insurance but hey, I was in a very good mood that day and decided I would take him back without worrying about how he would pay.

As we all know changelings primarily feed off of love, not food so much but they do need some meat to survive. Luckily for me, the only problem that Kevin had was a little bit of plaque on his teeth but that is no big deal. I cleaned his teeth and all was good. Something very strange happened as he got ready to leave though. He pulled out some bits to pay me!

I am in a state of shock right now. I never once imagined that a changeling would have the money to pay me. You remember how I have overcharged a lot of ponies and jacked up Aria and Adagio's rent some just so I can help out a pony in need? Well I decided that this would be the day I give somepony, well in this case somechangeling, a break. I told him to keep his money.

I could tell that something was troubling him so since it was the end of the day, I decided to play the role of the psychiatrist and listen to his problems. He was after all, the one changeling back when Chrysi brought them all in that was well behaved. I learned something that day, I learned that changelings do care for one another. He told me that he missed his mother and wished so much that he could be reunited with her.

Unlike it was when I was the reason his mother got locked up, I began to wonder, "Should Chrysi be in jail?" I told Kevin that I would take him to her so we set off for Canterlot. Yeah I got a lot of strange looks walking through the streets and especially towards the dungeon with a changeling drone but they'll get over it.

Once we reached the dungeon and got to Chrysi's cell, Kevin rushed to the bars and reached in hoping for a hug. What would happen next stunned me. Chrysi actually hugged him back and began to cry because she missed him. Wow! I am beyond amazed. I guess even Chrysalis has room in her heart for love after all.

I swear, their reunion even caused me to shed a few tears. Yep, believe it or not but even I am not completely cold and callous. I decided to do something to remedy this. I told Chrysi that I would be willing to pardon her if she promised not to attack Equestria. I could see the wheels turning in her head at first but then she saw I was an Alicorn. That along with some encouragement from Kevin caused her to agree so I unlocked her cell and took her upstairs.

I was greeted by Celestia who was not at all pleased that I freed her but she knows the rules. If she would have had better insurance and not caused a lot of ponies to violate their contract with me, that wouldn't have happened. Before Chrysi and Kevin flew off towards the southern wastes, where she and her hive lived for so long, I gave her one bit of advice. "Let me know in advance before you bring your hive to see me."

I am happy to see that a mother and the one child she actually cared about were reunited. Yes I know this was not a rant but Kevin didn't do anything wrong and even if he had, I likely would have let it slide because he is so damn adorable.

Spoiled Rich

Spoiled Rich (Suggested by TheDriderPony)

I'm not exactly the biggest fan of my next patient. While I have never had any problems with her paying in the past, she is an obnoxious bitch that I have had to smack a few dozen times. Want to know the funny thing, I have never got in trouble for smacking Spoiled Rich either.

One day she came in and was being her usual pompous self. That was not a good thing for her, especially given that I had to put up with her daughter's snotty marefriend and her attitude earlier. When she came in I asked her, like I do every other patient, if she had a way to pay. Despite me knowing that she did, I still asked. Her response was the usual, "Well no shit I have a way to say. Wealthy ponies always have a way to pay."

She has always thought she was better than everypony else but it has been a while since she last saw me. What she fails to realize is that I am way above her in the pecking order and that if she pissed me off enough, I could have her disappear without a trace and get away with it.

Now to her appointment. I led her back to the chair and like everypony else with problems, she was apprehensive when it came to opening her mouth. When she opened her mouth I was not pleased with what I saw. She had four cavities and was developing periodontal disease. What the fuck? She is a rich pony who places a lot of importance on her physical appearance yet she let's things get this bad. She is far worse than Rarity could ever dream of being.

Given the nature of her problems, I had to schedule her on a day where I could focus just on her. Given what I am planning, I will just schedule her for a Saturday. Yes I plan on doing unnecessary work and charging her a ton of money. Hey, she's rich so she can afford it.

The following Saturday she came in and was being her normal bitchy self, which I was expecting. I wasn't overly happy but I had plans. The first thing I had to do was numb her mouth. Get this, the dumb bitch bit down on the needle when I was going to inject her and it went into her tongue! Well at least she wouldn't be yapping for a while. I did get her mouth numbed eventually and then I began to get to work on those fillings. Nothing serious there, it was what would come next that would be funny.

Given that her periodontal disease was in it's early stages, I could have just given her some medication to hopefully stop the disease form advancing but I decided to do what you would do if her disease was advanced! I decided to do a gum flap surgery where I cut her gums open and scrape all that icky tartar and plaque away that developed under her gum line. Normally a patient would be put under entirely for this but I don't like her so I decided to do it while she was awake.

She was terrified when she knew I was going to do this so I decided to hog tie her to the chair and used my magic to pry her mouth open. Once I started cutting her gums open she was moaning in agony and I lost my concentration for just a second and she bit me! Oh shit, now I'm going to have to go get rabies shots. I'll bill the bitch for that as well. What is even worse is that she drew blood so I decided to hold my bleeding hoof over her mouth and let it drip down into her throat. It was funny seeing her try to cough with her mouth pried open.

Once I decided she had tasted enough of my blood I got back to work on her. Normally a dentist would use delicate surgical instruments to perform this surgery but I just took a razor blade to her gums and began shredding them off. She was kicking her legs and screaming so loud it hurt my ears. Luckily for her she did not kick me or I would have had to take a leg.

Eventually I regretted doing this to her because my front hooves were soaked in her blood but hey, she must be punished for being a bitch and coming in to me with such advanced problems. Once I got her done her body had begun to go into shock. Because of this I had to drag her up front to collect her payment. Yeah I know it was likely unethical but I got into her purse and decided to dig around and find her debit card.

Well I found it and ran it through. Despite me billing her 20,000 bits for all the ways she inconvenienced me, including the "rich bitch" fee that I charge overly wealthy patients, it went through. Yeah I'll have to pay taxes on this but still, I want my money. Even though she was only semi-conscious, I dragged her over to her yard and threw her in the grass. Had I kept her in my office for very long without doing work on her, I would have had to charge her a motel fee as well and unfortunately, I don't have a license to operate a motel.

Want to know the funny thing? On the next day, Sunday of all days, Filthy Rich stormed over to my house and interrupted a very intimate moment between all my girls and I when he pounded on the door. Oh boy, now that really pissed me off. He was complaining about how his wife was being even more of a bitch than normal and admitted that if she kept it up that he couldn't be held responsible for what he would do.

I told him that I could remedy this situation for the right price. I took him over to my office and showed him some of the goodies I have. Now I have a ton of high power sedatives already in syringes so I made him a deal. I told him that if he would pay me twice the market value for 24 of them, that I would sell them to him. Apparently he must have been so desperate to shut her up that he gladly paid me what I wanted. Yeah I have to order another case but in the end I got 5,000 bits from him so I'll be able to cover that with no problems.

The only bad thing is that a few days later I learned that I had done so much damage to Spoiled Rich's mouth that she lost over half of her teeth. The good news? She's coming in for implants! Woo-hoo, even more money for me, especially considering I will overcharge her more than I did this time!

G 3.5 Rainbow Dash

G 3.5 Rainbow Dash (Suggested by TheDriderPony)

My last patient in this group of rants is definitely the weirdest. When she came in at first I didn't even know she was there until I heard her voice and looked down. There was a rather scrawny pony with a head that is horribly large compared to the rest of her body. The first thing I thought of was Blythe Baxter from Littlest Pet Shop when I saw this. Some of the animals on there are like that as well so I figured one of her pets must have got loose.

I asked her where she was from and she told me she came from a small town called Ponyville. I didn't believe her one bit when she said this. I figured she was just some little rat that liked playing pranks on ponies. I figured I could get real answers out of her later, that along with my payment of course so I was foolish and took her back.

She opened her mouth and I began to take a look. I would not be happy when I saw that the tooth she was whining about was rotten, completely rotten. I smacked her and asked her how she could allow her tooth to get that bad. She started crying and begging me to please not hurt her. I smacked her again because she did not answer my question. She finally told me that she likes candy and often chews it in that corner of her mouth. No wonder the little rat's bad tooth is there.

Well it was a slow day so I decided to be nice, well sort of. I ripped that rotten tooth out, put an implant in and then cleaned her teeth. This would not be cheap though. I knew she didn't have any money on her but I still wanted to know where she came from so that I could get compensated for the work I did on her. She finally caved and told me about some portal in the wastelands east of town.

Good grief, how many damn portals are there in this country to other places. Immediately the wheels began to turn in my head. I thought perhaps that it led to Downtown City and that I could not only meet Blythe, but make her pay me for me fixing her rainbow haired rat's tooth. What will I want in return? I want Pepper! Hey, I could always have her spray unruly patients. After all, who wouldn't want a pet skunk to put unruly and non-paying bums in their place?

Well this little pony led me out to this portal and we went through. Unfortunately it did not take us to Downtown City. It took me to a place with tons and tons of these miniature ponies with oversized heads. They all rushed up to me and began singing annoying songs. I had to rush back through that portal before I wound up losing my sanity. What is worse is that several of them followed me through, including Rainbow Dash.

What is even worse is that despite me flying away, they all rushed to my practice and surrounded it. Shit, now I have a bunch of creepy little ponies with big heads keeping me out of my practice. Hmmm...what to do. I got it! I'll open my own pet shop and sell them as pets! As long as that portal remains open, I'll have a good supply of them coming through.

Unfortunately, my new business venture did not go over all that well, especially after I sold Rainbow Dash to Celestia for a couple thousand bits. She made me close my pet shop and send these little ponies home! It wasn't because selling ponies from a different generation to Equestrian ponies is illegal, it is because I forgot to get a license to operate a pet shop.

In the end all of them but one were returned to their homeland before I was ordered to drain that portal of it's energy. Which one stayed? Celestia loved her little Dashie too much to make her return and besides, I was not about to give Celestia a refund for her. Now Celestia has an annoying little pet that runs around calling everypony darling. From what I understand Luna is seriously considering fixing up her old castle in the forest and moving back there. Apparently she can't handle her sister's pet and her obnoxious behavior. I don't blame her. I'd want to relocate if it meant getting away from mini-Dash too.

Author's Note

G 3.5 Rainbow Dash