Author's Note
Why did I write this?
Well, this is awkward.
You hide behind a tree like the manly little bitch you are, desperately trying to hold back your laughter as the anticipation begins to build around you. Despite your attempts, you still snicker lightly with the biggest shit eating grin on your face, feeling very proud of yourself.
Your eyes wander above you, passing the small canopy of the tree to the large group of clouds maybe a few dozen or so feet up in the air, their puffy white surfaces not giving anything a value away. Though, you know for certain that you’re standing under the cloud home of none other than the brash and in your opinion, crass pegasus herself, Rainbow Dash.
That particular pony had a habit of pulling off annoying and at some times utterly inconvenient pranks that made you want to ask God why he was doing this to you.
Then you remember God is dead.
That’s always a bit of a downer.
Frankly, the blue pony was rather high up on the list of things that pissed you off about magical pony land, just under a lack of socks that weren’t considered sexy lingerie. Her pranks had seemed innocent enough at first, even borderline childish, and you for the most part ignored them.
Apparently that triggered her something fierce.
Like, attention whore level of triggering.
And so, buckets of water above a slightly opened door and super glued mailboxes turned into elaborate schemes and over the top pranks that made you wonder exactly how much money she was spending on them.
Seriously, how does someone exactly afford changing all the water lines in your house with liquid rainbow pipes? Never mind the labor costs, construction materials, permits, but the fact it was all done, in one day. You still remember that moment when you hadn’t been looking at the tap and took a full glass of the stuff.
Luckily, your eyebrows did end up growing back.
But now, now was your chance at payback. Your glorious moment was about to arrive. The culmination of about five minutes worth of thought had led to you crouching slightly under this tree, your eyes glued to the cloud home that Rainbow Danger Dash had just entered, carrying your beautiful little calling card.
You have to cover your mouth with a hand to stifle your laughter as you imagine her unveiling your little surprise. The look on her face…
Oh, oh god, you really got her good.
Silence reigns for several minutes as your anticipation of the final moment continues to build, your muffled laughter your only friend as you continue to watch the cloud house with childish glee.
Finally, there is activity from the cloud house above you, as a voice unseen slowly builds in volume with every passing second, repeating the same word over and over.
“What?”
“What.”
“What?!”
“What!?!”
You have to cover your mouth with both hands as you bite down on your tongue to try and quiet your laughter as it continues to grow out of control. You can stomach the small pain easily, especially since your attention was concentrated elsewhere.
The fact she actually sounded somewhat confused in the beginning made things all that better when she suddenly began to shout outraged, accepting the little party favor you left her.
“Anon!!!!”
The rainbow contrail appears above you before your ears even catch the sound of her door slamming open and closing just as quickly, the streak of light heading toward the town of Ponyville in the distance, where Dash probably thinks you’re in your house.
She’d be quite surprised to find that, for some reason, you weren’t there…
The thought of what she might do to your stuff in her enraged state flitters across your mind for a second before you wave it off. A little collateral was always expected in a situation like this.
Though, it was certainly worth it.
You wonder briefly how you could have come up with this ingenious plan, something that not even the greatest of war generals or nine year olds could have foreseen.
You were literally Hitler, removing the last page of Rainbow’s latest Daring Doo book. Something about skulls and aliens.
You didn’t care for the plot. What you did care about was the fact Rainbow had accidentally left the book alone unattended one day when she had flown off to kick a cloud or something. Regardless, you had seized the chance to take your revenge like an angsty teenager and had snatched the book from where it had laid peacefully on a park bench.
Using your masterful human engineering skills, you had removed the last page of the book and replaced it with your own rendition, a little something that took you hours to think up.
A fresh wave of laughter comes over you as you think of the words you had written on the new pseudo page.
‘gg gay pride parade
get rekt faget
luv anon~’
Truly, you are a master of the linguistical arts.
It is only after several minutes of laughter do your chuckles begin to subside and you start to weakly wipe your face with a shirt sleeve, due to the manly tears you shed from how hard you were laughing and nothing else.
Soft chortles escape you periodically as you begin to walk east of Ponyville, heading along an already pre-selected route that would take you around the edge of the town and eat away at the time it would take for Rainbow to ‘find’ you.
You laugh again.
‘Good luck with that’, you think smugly to yourself.
You shove your hands in your pant pockets and whistle a nice little tune from home to pass the time, briefly wondering what Rainbow would be doing to your house right now.
Could you file a police report for property damage?
That’d be hilarious.
You could see the headlines now.
‘National hero wrecks only human’s house. Hate crime or crime of passion?’
You pause midstep.
Where the fuck did that come from?
You’re just about to shake your head and continue on walking when a sudden whistling reaches your ears. You turn around confused, looking around to try and find the origin of it before a voice shouts from the direction of town.
A voice that sounds like it’s about to get its murder on.
“Anon!!!”
Your feet already pound along the ground as the mare’s words reach your ears. It looked like your train to fuckthisshitville was about to leave, and you weren’t on board. Still, even with knowing you had an enraged rainbow horse on your tail still couldn’t compare to the humor that you completely owned her.
Actually, that last thought wasn’t half bad either.
You continue running, knowing your only delaying your inevitable before a thought strikes you. Your shit eating grin returns with full force.
Spinning on a dime, you halt your momentum completely before throwing your arms wide, looking up at where you assume Rainbow would be. Your mouth begins to open in an apology before the strangest thing happens.
Your eyes faintly register a rainbow blur before it’s as if you’ve been picked up and moved several feet to the right, the buildings of Ponyville in the distance acting as a judgment marker.
Either that or the whole world suddenly moved left.
“What?” You ask aloud, genuinely confused.
The sound of heavy wing beats drags your attention to your left, where you immediately spot the source of your flight hovering just a few feet off the ground. You're about to offer an apology when the words suddenly die in your throat.
Rainbow Dash is covered in blood. Like, she dunked most of her barrel and forelegs in a tanker of the stuff. The fluids cling to and matt her fur, giving her a ragged appearance along most of her body, though her face seemed mostly spared, save for some streaks along the side.
“Holy shit, Rainbow! Are you o…k…?” Your own words die as you look at what Rainbow Dash’s attention was focused on, her whole demeanor suggesting she didn’t hear you.
Her eyes are as wide as dinner plates as her open mouth shudders, several amounts of gibberish escaping her as her eyes never left the object on the ground before her.
You take a step back as you look on it too, covering your mouth in shock and disgust as you find what she was looking at.
Where you had been standing moments before was the bottom half of a human body.
Literally, it’s just the fucking legs standing there. Pants, shoes, belt, everything!
At a glance, you might have considered it to be a dummy if it hadn’t been for the fact that the area along where the pants would have connected to the rest of the body is a malformed fleshy mess complete with trails of darkened fabric trailing down the brown slacks.
Even the grass around the body is stained with splatters of crimson, the marks indicating that the upper body seemed to have exploded or something.
Your eyes move to Rainbow, hoping that she was seeing what you were seeing.
“A-A-An-n-o-on?” She asks shakily, one hoof tenderly reaching out to touch the disembodied legs before gravity suddenly took over, causing the legs to crumple forward, dropping the lower half onto its knees for but a second before completely collapsing onto the ground.
A fresh squirt of blood spurts onto the ground to solidify the moment, causing Rainbow to go into full panic mode.
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” Her pitch and franticness escalate with every passing word, until she is flapping madly around the body, shouting incoherently.
Your about to voice your own thoughts to calm the mare that hopefully wouldn’t involve prison time, before a sudden epiphany strikes you.
You are the only human in Equestria.
That body is definitely the bottom half of a human.
Unless Twilight just happened to pop another human out her ass, you were fairly sure you were the only one.
So, how would that explain…?
Your eyes narrow as you look at the body with a new scrutiny. Those pants…that belt…even the shoes, what little you could see...they looked like yours.
But how could that…
“A-A-A-Anooooon! Plea-ease b-be o-ok! I-I’m sooor-r-ry!!” Rainbow cried hysterically, weeping horribly as she landed and began to cradle the corpse, smearing even more blood along her already soaked fur. She was so inconsolable that she rubbed the exposed top along her face, smearing chunks of meat with her own tears.
“Rainbow, the hells are youuuuuuuuuuuuuu-“It seemed the next surprise in store was the fact that the arm you just reached out to the pegasus was incorporeal.
Like, you could see right through it. And you were pretty sure your arms aren’t supposed to glow with a soft white light.
Preeeeeeeeetty sure.
You stare at your new ghostly appendages, looking down the rest of your body to see the same effect as well, though strangely, you’re able to make out your still wearing your clothes. Your mind rapidly turns on all gears to try and explain what is exactly is happening.
Then, like a train. It hits you.
The body. Rainbow covered in blood. The rainbow blur and the sudden movement. That fact that you’re now somehow fucking see-through.
It all fit.
Rainbow Danger Dash just fucking Mortal Kombated your ass.
Actually, you think the game didn’t have this much gore, though you wondered if the fact that it was the real thing made it any worse.
You just stood there, mouth agape, as the pony a few feet away continued to bawl uncontrollably.
Rainbow Dash just killed you.
…
…
…
…
What the fuck?
“My thoughts exactly.” A new voice pops up to your right, scaring you out of your nonexistent pants as your eyes find the black hooded pony standing next to you. The cloak it wears seems to suck away all the light around it as you can make out an ivory, skeletal muzzle sticking out the front.
Was this Pony Death?
“Correct.” The deep voice responds, somehow reading your thoughts. You step back, suddenly not wanting to be close to the reaper pony for obvious reasons.
“Don’t make this difficult kid. I want to be out of here as much as you do. Especially if she shows up… Damn mare, how does she find me?” The skeletal pony mumbles to himself as your eyes dart between him and the sobbing Rainbow Dash, who, for some reason, is now even more covered in blood than before.
Why?
Your speculation is interrupted suddenly as yet another voice decides to join the party, this one sounding distinctly feminine.
“~Ohhhh Deaaaaath!~” The voice calls from above, grabbing your and your new reaper companion’s attention. Calmly maintaining her position in the sky is none other than the god pony herself, the alicorn of the day, Princess Celestia, smiling down at you two.
“Oh Death! I have a joke for you!” Celestia calls, clearing her throat for a moment as she giggles to herself, seemingly oblivious to the gruesome scene below her.
“Ahem, what do you call a lonely skeleton?” She asks, causing you to look around confused. A joke? Now? Was this real? Was this happening? Were you on the pony equivalent of pranked?
As you fought an existential crisis, the reaper grumbled to himself, scuffing a hoof along the ground. “Don’t answer her Mort, just ignore her…don’t give her the satisfaction…”
If the princess had been waiting for an answer, she didn’t bother and beat both of you to the punch.
“Bonely!” She called out, before laughing hysterically.
You snort. The pun wasn’t that funny.
Yet, the pony beside you seemed to bristle under his coat.
“Don’t…enable…her.” He growled out through clenched teeth, making you step away from him just a little.
Rainbow’s sobs still punctuated the background; yet, no one seemed to be remotely paying attention to her.
“That was…hahah…a real…snrk…rib tickler!” Celestia called out again, somehow fucking staying airborne while she hugged her body with her wings.
Goddamn OP ponies.
“Would you shut UP!” Death yelled, as the holes where his eyes might have been burst into flames, causing you to take several extra extra steps away.
The white, horse sized pony manages to gain enough self control to look down at the two of you again, the caped pony in particular.
“Oh come on, haven’t you ever heard of…”
“DON’T YOU SAY IT.”
“Ever heard of…”
“I'M WARNING YOU CELESTIA.”
“Heard of…”
“I WILL DESTROY YOU!”
“Laughing in the face of death?” The joke is followed by a deathly silence.
Except for Rainbow’s crying, but frankly, that got tuned out somewhere along the lines of the bullshit you’ve encountered.
Death just stands there trembling, as Celestia has the mother of all shit eating grins. Then, faster than you can keep track, he launches into the air, suddenly having skeletal wings as he chases Celestia though the air.
“YOU’RE DEAD!” He yells, only to cause more laughter from the alicorn.
“But I thought I was immortal!” She calls back, somehow angering him more.
Their chase continues unabated above, while Rainbow lies on the ground, hugging your old pant leg like some giant cat.
You stand there, watching the scene unfold before you.
Three words sum it up rather nicely.
What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?
