Pain is (no) remedy

by Xenay

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Sad, Main 6, Rainbow Dash, Other, Equestria Girls, Suicide / Self Harm
Length: 3646

Dashs life is going down and she falls back to old habits.

Takes place after Rainbow Rocks

Rainbow loves Twilight. But she still didn't tell her. Will she ever see her again to tell her? Or will she lose everything she has when she falls back to old habits?

Once inspired by https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rYqgsoEbBvw

Published 2016-07-23 11:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-09 17:27:15 UTC

Old habits

Author's Note

Since the last story was hated so much, have more of 'Emo Dash' :ajbemused:
Once again I wrote this some time ago.

Contains depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts.

Don't like it? Don't read it!

Old habits

Twilight left through the mirror for the second time. Another problem solved. Another time they saved the world. Or school.
Another time where Rainbow Dash couldn't bring herself to tell Twilight about her feelings. Another time where she didn't ask her to stay for a bit so they could spent some time. Another time where she fucked up.

Her friends were happy, of course. They were going to celebrate with another few songs, written by Fluttershy. When her friends noticed that she just sat on the edge from the stage, her guitar in her hands, staring off into the night sky, Applejack came over to her.

"Hey there sugarcube. You ready to play another round?"

"Sure." She answered emotionless. As she stood on her feet, she saw Sunset Shimmer writing in the book that passes notes to Twilight.

"Hey Sunset, you coming?"

"In a minute."

They got into their positions and started playing. Even though Rainbow tried to keep up with the others, she still felt the cold, nagging sorrow in her heart. After the songs were finished and they packed their instruments, Applejack came up with an idea.

"How 'bout we all go get some milkshakes to celebrate?"

The others around her cheered. Dash just kept silent and shut her guitar case. The others already went down the stage.

"Dash, you comin'?"

"I dunno.. maybe I'll just go home.."

"Come on Dashie! Don't you wanna celebrate our victory?!" Pinkie suddenly stood in front of her, pulling her down as she teared on her T-shirt, placing her head over Dashs and meeting her face to face.

"Pinkie!" Pinkie let go off her.

"Upsi, sorry!"

"You really wanna chicken out?" Applejack teased.

"No.. I just..."

"Come on Dashie! I bet some coooooool milkshakes will make that frown upside down!"

Dash sighed and followed. She didn't feel like company right now. The only one who seemed to keep her real company was her sorrow. The others were talking, but she didn't bother listening. When she finally got home it was almost midnight. Her parents must have been asleep for hours. They would ask her tomorrow how the concert went. Probably.
She went upstairs into her room, placed her guitar in the corner where it always stood, undressed and jumped into her bed. Still she couldn't stop thinking about Twilight. She imagined her next to her in the bed, how they would cuddle with each other. The thoughts brought a smile on her face. But it faded not long after it appeared, as she snapped out of it and remembered that Twilight was.. gone.
Gone..
She was gone... She wouldn't be there tomorrow. She wouldn't come back..
Not if another freaking creature came that would turn every student in her school into mindless zombies.
What a world...

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"Urgh..."

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"Shut up.. I'm awake.."

Dashs hand met the button that shut off the alarm of her alarm clock. Moaning she wrapped herself in her blanked again. A few moments later her door opened. Fast steps came nearer to her bed.

"Come on Rainbow Dash! Do you want to be late for school again?!"

Dash groaned in annoyance.

"Okey okey I'm up okey?!"

"I sure hope so. Come on lazy head, breakfast is ready." Her mother left the room.

"Okey mum!" She called after her.

Slowly she unwrapped herself from the blanket. She sat up, rubbing her eyes. Then she got up and grabbed some clothes out of her wardrobe.
Dressed in a blue shirt and black skirt she walked into the kitchen. Her father was reading today's newspaper while drinking his usual morning cup of café and her mother was filling a bag with lunch for Dash.

"Morning, dad." She said slowly, as if unsure if he was even there. Not looking up from his newspapers he responded with a simple

"Morning."

Her mother brought her the bag and a plate with a slice of toast. Dash grabbed the toast and ate it in ten seconds flat. Then she took her bag and went back upstairs to put it into her schoolbag. She glanced at her alarm clock to check the time while packing her things as she noticed she had to run to the bus again if she didn't want to be late.. again. Putting on her schoolbag she rushed down the stairs, not bothering to say her goodbyes to her parents, and ran outside. The front door had to be closed by her mother for the third time this week.

Rainbow made it to the bus station in time today. She soon found her seat next to Applejack like on every other day.

"Mornin' Sugarcube. Good ta see ya before school starts."

"Heh, yeah. What can I say? It takes its time to be so awesome."

"Ya just didn' get up, that's what took the time."

"Hey-!"

"Ya know that it's the truth just as much as Ah do."

The rest of the ride was pretty silent. As Rainbow looked out off the window, she imagined Twilight to be at the school entrance smiling at her. For a second Dash smiled back but reality broke it soon after again.

"Hey, Sugarcube! Come on we have to go inside!"

She was so focused on looking outside, she didn't notice that they were already standing at the school. Not wasting another minute, she grabbed her schoolbag and they walked into the school.

In each lesson, Rainbow was never focused. She never had been focused before, but this time her thoughts were with Twilight. She was only gone yesterday and she missed her as if she had been gone for months already. But... wouldn't she be gone for months? If not years! Maybe she would never come back...!

RRRRIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!

The school bell brought her out of her thoughts. Recess. That's just what she needed... More time where she would only think about how much she missed Twilight and how she would never see her again...

Dash sat on one side of the statue where Twilight comes and goes through. That was probably all she would do for the rest of the break. She couldn't stop thinking about Twilight. She stared sadly on the ground.

"Rainbow Dash? Are you okey?"

She looked up, seeing her friend Fluttershy sitting herself next to her.

"Yeah.. sure.."

The rest of her friends stood all around her, sharing worried glances with each other.

"Dash what's wrong? Are you not feelin' well? You gettin' sick or somethin'?"

"No.. maybe... I dunno..."

Fluttershy peeked inside Dashs schoolbag that she didn't bother to close and saw her lunch bag untouched. She gasped.

"You haven't eaten? Are you sure you're okey?"

"Hey, just because I'm normally the one who asks first if anyone is hungry, Doesn't mean it that I'm always into food!"

They were taken aback at her sudden outburst.

"I-I'm sorry... I d-didn't mean to..."

Dash sighed.

"Maybe I'm really getting sick..."

"Maybe you should get home and get some rest, Darling."

"Yeah, I'll bring you home. Won't letcha go all on yer own." Applejack added, softly punching Dashs arm.

"Yeah.. I guess..."

"Thanks for going home with me, AJ."

"No problem Sugarcube. Are your parents at home?"

"No. They are at work until noon."

"Should I stay with ya?"

"Nah.. I'll be fine."

"Alright. Don't hesitate to call me if somethin comes up, key?"

"Key."

They waved their goodbyes. Applejack headed to her home and Dash went inside, closing the front door. Throwing her schoolbag against the wall, it plumped down with a thud. Dash let herself fall onto her bed. She was alone.. This was not helping her situation... Now she wouldn't stop thinking about..
Twilight why do you have to be so bucking cute..?!
She felt her eyes water up and immediately shut them close. She was Rainbow Awesome Daring Dash! She wasn't some stupid.. some crying.. some... actually, she didn't really know what she was anymore... All she felt was emptiness and the pain in her heart. She couldn't think. She wasn't hungry. The others had school, so she couldn't call them on their phone.
She Could call or message Applejack

...but for some reason she didn't want to. She just stared at her ceiling and waited as time went by. What was she waiting for anyways? Twilight wasn't coming back, her parents wouldn't want to talk with her and she didn't want to talk to anyone...

She was lost. Lost in nothingness. Lost in her sorrow that was eating her inside.

Soon she found herself in the bathroom, staring into the mirror. She felt as if her reflection was talking to her.

"You are such a loser. No wonder Twilight doesn't feel anything for you. Otherwise she would have stayed. You are so pathetic and think you are the coolest. Some people just never learn."

Her reflection was holding a blade in her hands as she said that last sentence. Dash saw how her reflection brought it to her arm and, with a bit pressure, made a cut around her wrist on the upper side. The blood flowing down her hand brought her back to reality.

She stared at the wound and blood and dropped the blade. What just happened?!

She washed the blood away with water. Since she was already in the bathroom, she grabbed the first aid kit and wrapped a bandage around her wrist. Once the shock was over, she let herself fall on the floor, sitting in the middle of the room she looked at her bandaged wrist, then up to the mirror again. Was she really getting into that again?

She looked at her arms. Looking closely, she saw her old cuts that almost healed and faded over the time. It had been years ago. The time when she didn't have friends and got bullied in her primary school. They had made fun of her colorful hair, so she had dyed them in pitch black. Always dressed in black with collar and bracelets. She wasn't getting liked more, but they didn't make fun of her anymore. But even though it was better in school, she couldn't just stop harming herself.

The sound of her phone getting messages brought her back out off her thoughts. She got up, stashed the aid kit and got into her room. Grabbing her phone, she noticed that her friends were out off school since half an hour. Time sure had passed.
She got into the chatroom she had with her friends.

"Hey Rainbow Dash! How r u doing???" - Party Pinkie

"Darling, are you awake?" - Fashion Queen

"Don't wake her up" - Fluttershy

Dash chuckled a bit. She started typing.

"Hey guys, what's up?" - Awesomness in Person

"Dashiiiiiiiieee!!!" - Party Pinkie

"Hey sug', how are you doing?" - Applejack

She hesitated, looking at her bandaged wrist.

"I'm fine, thx" - Awesomness in Person

"Good to hear. Would be boring without you in school" - Applejack

"Agreed." - Fashion Queen

"School is all lame-o without our Dash-o!" - Party Pinkie

"Heh, thanks guys" - Awesomness in Person

"You had us really worried" - Fluttershy

"Sorry about that, Shy" - Awesomness in Person

"Oh it's alright, I'm just glad you're okey" - Fluttershy

Dash switched off her phone. She heard the front door open. Her parents are back already?

"Dash! Your school called me that you're at home early! I hope for you that you're at home and not hanging around with your friends when you're TOO SICK to stay at school!"

Her mother didn't sound very happy..

"I'm here!"

She heard steps coming up and walking towards her room. Dash laid in her bed and wrapped herself in her blanket before the door opened.

"So. What reason did you have this time to skip school? Don't you get that it's important for you to go to school, especially now with the final exams coming up?!"

"I know... I just couldn't concentrate on anything and don't feel all too well..."

Her mother glared at her, then saw the lunch bag in her still halfway opened schoolbag. She walked over and pulled it out.

"Couldn't concentrate huh?! Well it's no wonder if you don't eat!"

She threw the bag against Dash. Then she left the room and slammed the door shut.

The calm before the storm.

She stayed up in her room until her dad came home from work. She could already hear them. Her mother was telling him what a disappointment she was. She heard hard steps coming towards her door. She closed her eyes and sat up on her bed.

The door opened.

"Rainbow Dash I can't believe you skip school because you don't eat. You sabotage yourself on purpose to leave school early? That's not how we raised our daughter!"

He came nearer...

"I am disappointed in you. You stupid little shit!"

THRACK!

His hand landed with full force on her upper back between her shoulders. All she could do was gasp sharply as she fought back her scream.

He stomped out off her room, slamming the door shut.
Dash finally let the tears flow.

Downhill

The next morning, Dash was a bit careful around her parents. She had unwrapped her wrist and the cut was only a small streak. If her parents didn't look too closely, they wouldn't notice. And they didn't, at least not yet. She got in the bus and sat next to Applejack, like always.

"Mornin' Sugarcube."

Dashs voice felt dead. She couldn't answer.

"You alright?"

She nodded slowly. Her eyes looking down, telling a different story.

"What's wrong? Did somethin happen?"

Dash said nothing and didn't move. She was wearing a dark pullover, so nobody could see her cut. She wasn't very warm anyways. Warm.. that's how she felt when Twilight was touching her...
Dash closed her eyes. Applejack noticed how Rainbow tried not to touch the back of their seats with her back. She tried something she always did when Dash needed a friend. She leaned her arm around Dashs shoulders. Rainbow flinched at the touch and tried to get Applejacks arm away.

"I knew it, yer hurtin."

Dash didn't look at her.

"Yer dad?"

Dash nodded once slowly.

"What? Why?"

Dash closed her eyes and sighed.

"Sorry sugarcube... hey look we're here. Come on, Pinkie Pie will make you laugh again!"

Dash said nothing, grabbed her bag and followed Applejack to the exit of the bus. She took a moment, hesitating. Then she put her mask on, wearing a big fake smile.

"Hey guys!" She said, her voice filled with hesitation and the sorrow she tried to hide.

"Hello Rainbow Dash. Good to see you're feeling better!"

If only you knew..

"Rainbow Dash! We have to pull off some pranks on Miss Harshwinny! And I've got Just the thing!" Pinkie said and pulled out an apple.

"An Apple? Really?"

"It's not an apple, silly!"

"But.. it looked like one?"

"That's just the Point! Here" She handed it over to Dash. It wasn't a real apple, that's for sure. Way too light and obviously not organic.

"A deco apple? Really..?" Pinkies smile faded.

"I-If you don't like it.. I can think of another, better prank.."

"No-no it's fine, really. Let's do this."

RRRRIIIIIINNNNGGG!!!!!

"Well, that was an ugly prank."

"I didn't know she had removable teeth!"

"Don't sweat it Pinkie. Nobody got hurt and we didn't get caught. Everything's Fine."

Her voice dropped at that last word. Applejack knew what happened. She reminded herself.

"Well, how 'bout we get home. There's supposed to be a storm later."

"Yes, we heard about it. Urgh, in weathers like those I can never find my inspiration for fashion!"

"Calm down Rarity! It's just weather, and it's not gonna stay either!"

Rarity gasped as she stared at Dash in horror as if someone just said her shoes didn't match her dress. Applejack quickly went between them before they could do something they would regret later on.

"Come on gal's. Time to get home. It's never a good thing when you two are stressin' each other."

"Says the one who can't stop arguing with Dash."

"Alright, let's go." Applejack grabbed Dashs arm and pulled her to the bus station.

"Ya don' needa start a fight wit' 'er after what yer dad put ya through again." She looked in her eyes with a stern look on her face. Dash couldn't help but scratch her neck nervously. She couldn't bear to look at her right now.

"Yeah.. guess you're right.."

Then the bus stopped in front of them.

The girls got off the bus. Applejack was going to head home, but she stopped a few steps later and turned around. Dash just stood there.

"Ya goin' home, sug?"

Dash didn't move.
For several moments Applejack just stood a few feet away and looked at Dash. Then Dash started to walk off towards her home.

"..See ya tomorrow, then..?"

...

"..I guess..."

Dash was laying on her bed, staring at the ceiling.

She'd been doing this since she got home.

That was mere hours ago.

Time didn't seem to go by.

But then the front door opened.

And Dash closed her eyes. Her parents are home. Instead of the joy that most kids felt to finally be able to see their parents
she just felt even more like she had to get away from here.

Away from them.

Away from her problems.

Away from her life.

The door to her room never opened that day. Her parents were avoiding her. Maybe it was just for the better that way.

Her phone vibrates, signaling she got a message from her friends. She picked it up and turned it on, the message shown on the screen was from Applejack.

"You know you can always tell me anything, we are here for you."

Dash sighed and started typing.

"Of course I know that. You guys are such good friends" - Awesomeness in Person

She shut it off again and eventually fell asleep.

Mirrors

Late at night Dash found herself once again in the bathroom, staring at her reflection in the mirror.

"You're never gonna get Twilight to like you."

"You suck!"

"Disgusting lesbo bitch!"

"How did she even get to this school?!"

"Lazy whore."

Tears were rolling down her face. The voices of her old school life. When she had no friends. When the entire school hated her.

Her reflection put the blade down on her wrist.

Dash looked away from the mirror to her wrist that was now stained with a red line of blood from the fresh cut. She took a deep breath and looked at the mirror again. Staring at her reflection. She saw her younger self. Black hair, clothes, accessories... and lots of scars on her arm and legs.

"I'm really going back to this, huh..." She said to no one as she once again looked at her fresh wound. She put the blade down on the sink and sighed.
Then her eyes were magically moved back to the mirror. She saw herself in the middle of a crowd. But it wasn't anything like the way she was used to it by now.

Her reflection was sitting on the ground, sobbing. Everyone around her was pointing at her and laughing. Some took photos or videos with their phones.

The tears were flowing down her face again. Then she felt something drip on her foot and it broke her out. Dash looked down and saw unmistakable marks on her arm. Deep, bleeding, fresh cuts were on her arm. A line went down and it dropped on her foot again.

"Oh fuck.. Fuck my life..." She groaned and turned on the sink to wash away the blood.

"Rainbow Dash! Hurry up and go to bed!" Her father yelled from outside. It made her jump and the adrenaline rushed into her brain.

"Yeah dad! I will!" She tried to get the trembling in her voice down. Acting fast she went over to the toilet and ripped a long slice of toilet paper off and wrapped it around her bleeding, wet arm. She knew that trick for a long while. She didn't really know why, but it made every bleeding stop within a minute or so.

She hid the blade in a cabinet behind some pills. Her parents rarely ever opened it and even if, they would have to put a few bottles out, so it was a good hiding place.
Pulling down the sleeve from her pajamas over the 'bandage' she unlocked and opened the door and went into her room.

Closing the door she went to her bed. Her eyes fell on her phone a few moments later.
She turned it on and saw that she had gotten messages again.
Her friends were chatting, and it seemed like they were for hours.

Going into the chat she had to scroll a lot upwards. Sadly not one message was towards or about her. She wasn't online all day and none of her friends cared. She sighed and turned it off again. She threw it on her bedside table and wrapped herself in her blankets.

But sleep wouldn't come. Hours for hours she just laid there. But the worst part was that she was crying the whole time. And she didn't really have a reason right now. And neither did she like it. Glancing at her alarm clock she saw that it was 2 a.m.

"Fuck my life." She mumbled angrily at herself, rolled over and pulled the blanket over her head until she finally fell asleep.