My Life as a Post-Adolescent Pony

by Unicorncob

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 80021

A guy wakes up with a hangover and has to figure out how hooves work.

You ever have one of those days where you've woken up after a great night drinking with your friends, and you discover you've been turned into a colourful talking horse with a tattoo on its rear end?

No?

Well I have, so shut up.

The name I've taken for myself is Sharp Sight. I won't bother telling you my real name, since it's not gonna be used that much and you probably won't remember it.

This will mostly account my figuring out why I'm a technicolor equine and getting used to having four legs and seeing purple and blue horses talking, flying and using magic like it's nobody's business.

I don't have a 'waifu' to chase down and use my improbable charisma to get her to fall in love with me within minutes, so don't expect any of this.

On the other hand - or hoof, whichever floats your particular tea set - if you want to watch a snarky pony fall over his own legs and be frightened by his own shadow from the possibility of it coming to life and trying to eat his face, then this is the read for you.

So fire away and enjoy yourself. Laugh if you can, and feel free to leave any feedback. Believe it or not, it's appreciated.

Published 2016-07-23 21:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2023-10-31 23:07:30 UTC

2 - Walk Like an Equestrian

“Front right, back left, front left, back right. Front right, back left, front left, back right. Front right, back left, front right, back--”

And my intense whispering to myself was interrupted by a yelp as I flopped forward and landed on my steadily numbing chin.

I sighed and slowly pushed myself back onto my hooves. This whole ‘walking on all fours’ thing was harder than it looked. I figured it be as simple as walking along with both legs at the same time, but the first three times I tried that are how I ended up with a bandage on my face.

“Well, least y’all can git yerself up now,” Applejack chuckled, a warm smile on her face as she walked past me a bit.

“Okay first of all--” I began, but my rant was cut off when I looked past her to see what looked like civilisation. Beyond the little cobblestone bridge going over a small, calm river was a collection of thatch-roof houses. Real medieval looking job. One tall building stuck out over them, along with…

“Is that a crystal tree?” I asked, pointing a hoof toward the shimmering purple tree thing that seemed to have a castle sticking out of it. Seriously, the heck was that about?

“Oh, sorta,” Applejack said, looking toward the crystal castle tree thing in question. “That there’s the castle of Princess Twilight Sparkle. She’s the Princess of Friendship, y’know.”

My jaw hung open for a few seconds, before I could finally comprehend what I just heard. “The Princess of what?”

“Yeah, Ah don’t really get it either,” the mare admitted, shrugging her shoulders. “But anyway, this here’s Ponyville. Got everythin’ you’ll ever need, and the locals are mighty friendly.”

“Sweet,” I said out of instinct, then blinked slowly and looked at her with an awkward face. “Um, what exactly do I need?”

“Y’all are gonna need somewhere to stay,” the farmpony explained, “which means y’all are gonna need some bits.”

“Um… bits of what?”

“Bits,” she repeated, cocking her eyebrow. “Like, what we use to buy things. Remember?”

Hoof and forehead got reacquainted as I processed that knowledge. Bits were the currency. Registered.

“Right, right,” I muttered, nodding and putting my hoof back down. “And where can I get some… bits?” It felt so weird to say. Such a simple concept, but to me it sounded like the most vague thing.

“Check the board outside town hall,” the mare said, pointing toward the not-so-tall and not-so-sparkly building sticking up over the thatch roofs. “There’s almost always somepony hirin’.”

“Odd jobs, huh?” I summarised, then nodded again. “Yeah, I can handle that. I mean, I’ve nearly got walking down.” That earned another weird look from Applejack.

“Aaaaanyway,” she went on awkwardly, “Ah really gotta mosey on home. Got more chores t’do, y’know how it is. Y’all got it from here?”

She could make up any excuse she wanted, I could tell she wanted as far away from me as possible. And thinking about it, I couldn’t blame her. I probably looked like a complete lunatic to her.

“Yep, I think I got this,” I half-lied, and offered her an awkward grin. “Thanks for all the help, Applejack. Can I call you Jack or…?”

“Mah friends call me AJ,” she offered a more sincere grin. “Don’t be a stranger. And if y’all are starvin’ fer work, or just starvin’, we could always use some extra hooves down on the farm. But y’all better focus on workin’ those hooves a’yers so y’all ain’t stumblin’ around like a pig gettin’ in the cider.”

Oh, so now you’re calling me a fat drunk.

“Uh, yeah,” I chuckled, feeling a warm flush on my face. “I’ll work on that. Thanks again.”

We waved hooves as she walked back the way she came, and I couldn’t help but notice she was rather quick on her step.

“Alright,” I muttered, and slowly shambled toward the bridge in an attempt to cross it into… Ponyville, did she call it? Well, it was to-the-point. “Walk properly, get a job, something else, profit. That can’t be too hard, right?”

“WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!” I yelled in pure unbridled frustration after falling on my face for the fourth time since I entered Ponyville. Not once in my life had I figured putting one leg after the other would be so difficult.

I pulled myself back onto my hooves and sighed, shaking my head. I didn’t like the way other ponies were looking at me, judging me with their dumb judging pony eyes. They thought they were so cool, didn’t they? Walking around on all fours like it’s no one’s business. Why didn’t those fancy-pants unicorns use their magic to just float themselves around?

And don’t get me started on the winged ones. They didn’t even need to use their legs, just fly around on those fancy-pants wings of theirs. How did they even stay aerodynamic with those tiny wings?!

But before I could ponder if there was indeed a pony around here named Fancy-Pants, a pair of mares walked up to me. One cream-coloured with a pink and blue mane, the other a unicorn rocking a real seafoam look.

“Um, are you alright there?” the hornless pony asked.

“Uh, yeah I’m good,” I lied, flexing my hind leg a bit. “I just tripped over a rock or something. Um, is town hall this way?”

She nodded and pointed a hoof toward the large circular building in what looked like the town square. “Right over there. You’re new in town, huh? I’m Bonbon, and this here is Lyra Heartstrings.” She moved her hoof to the seafoam pony.

“Hey, I’m, uh... Sharp Sight,” I muttered, my new name still sounding weird. The alliteration is nice but… still, weird.

Lyra finally opened her mouth, and I just realised how wide her eyes were opened as she stared right at me. “Hiiiiiii…”

I need an adult.

“Ummmmmm… okay, I uh, I need to get going,” I muttered, skirting around the potentially insane and hopefully less-insane ponies. “So, um… catch you later…?”

“Yup, see you later,” Bonbon nodded and started to walk off.

“Can I touch your face?” Lyra muttered before her friend dragged her off.

I kept my horrified stare fixed on the mares as they walked off, whispering to each other.

Alright, I thought, backing up a few steps more, Okay, new assessment. You’re in a town of ponies that are possibly out of their minds. But you can do this. Just keep a low profile and you’ll be-- “MOTHER OF--”

I stumbled back and flopped onto my backside, for once I turned around, my sight of the town hall was replaced by a pair of blue eyes right in my face. Now that I was significantly backed away, I could see they belonged to a very, very, very pink pony. Like, pink all over apart from her eyes and the blue and yellow balloons on her flanks. Oh, and her white teeth displayed in her unsettlingly wide grin.

“Hiya new pony!” she began, talking as if her words were being fired out of a machine gun. “I’m Pinkie Pie and I always love meeting new ponies and you’re a new pony so I love meeting you so nice to meet you!”

“Uh--”

“But I dunno how much I love you since we just met and I dunno who you are except your name is Sharp Sight cuz you were talking to Lyra and Bonbon and that you know Applejack cuz I saw you come into town with her!”

“How did--”

“But O-M-G, a brand new pony in Ponyville! Are you gonna move here? There’s loads of really nice places, like Twilight’s castle! But she’s already got Starlight Glimmer living there so I dunno if she has anymore rooms but it’s a big castle so there’s probably lots of rooms even with Spike living there too!”

“Who is--”

“Gaaaaaaaaasp! I just realised if you’re moving in Ponyville then that means we gotta have a ‘Welcome to Ponyville Sharp Sight’ party! We can have it in Sugarcube Corner you should totally come I mean you have to you’re the guest of honour! I gotta go get prepped there’s so much to do there’s treats to bake and invitations to send out and music to set up oh wow I gotta get on that see you later welcome to Ponyville byeeeeee!!”

And in a pink stream of light, she was off in some direction that I couldn’t follow.

I hastily powerwalked toward the town hall, nearly tripping over myself multiple times on the way. I couldn’t register anything that motor mouth pony said, and I was too busy fearing for my life to think about attempting it. All I could think at that moment was how Applejack could leave a poor tourist alone in this town full of crazy people--ponies. Crazy ponies. With butt tattoos of flowers and fruits and musical instruments. How do you even play a harp with hooves!

Thankfully, the craziness seemed to tone down when I got inside the town hall. It was much quieter, pretty spacious too. I looked up at the banners hanging from the ceilings; yellow and blue ones depicting similarly coloured ponies on them. I mentally admitted to myself that they were kinda cool.

I approached the curtained doorway at the back of the room, assuming the mayor’s office was that way. I’d guessed the leader of the town was responsible for keeping track of vacancies, or at least point me to Sparkle Shine Real Estate or whatever schmaltzy name it might have. I took comfort knowing my own taken name at least had an air of respectability.

I hopped onto the little raised platform at the end of the large hall and approached the dark doorway.

And once again I found my face hitting something and my body falling over. Though this time, I wasn’t alone. A womanly grunted sounded in front of me, followed by the flapping of paper. I looked up and saw a brown mare with little glasses and a silver-grey mane. She had a folded white collar around her neck, with this cute little green poofy ruffle thing on it.

“Oh goodness,” she muttered and scrambled to pick up her papers. Looked like a big stack too.

Slipping through a window of mercy, I got myself up and tried to pick up some papers sitting near me. “Sorry, sorry, lemme just… ugh c’mon you… get up…”

In my attempt to be chivalrous, I had forgotten the loss of my fingers, and I was snorting with irritation as the papers slipped off my hooves and back to the floor.

And then I noticed that I snorted. As in, like a horse. Was I going native already?

I turned to the mare and saw her holding some papers between her teeth as she tried to organise her stack. I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity.

Mouth. Duh.

I gathered some papers and grabbed them between my teeth, scowling at that awful taste. It was like licking a lot of envelopes at once.

I carefully set them on the stack of papers, clearly out of place with how unfocused they were but I didn’t dare touch them with fear of toppling the Leaning Tower of… Town Law Forms.

“Thank you,” the pony said, adjusting the papers and smiling at the neat stack on the ground. “I really should’ve gotten my secretary to do this. Or hire another secretary.”

My special ability of word association (Or perception, if my name and cutie mark have no choice but to establish a theme for me) allowed me to put it together. “I’m guessing you’re the mayor?”

“That’s me,” she said with a nod, “Mayor Mare at your service.”

“Mayor Mare?” I repeated, then a snort escaped my muzzle. “That’s clever.”

“Um, yes,” she muttered, then cleared her throat. “Ahem, how can I help you, Mr…?”

I blinked as I remembered why I was even standing there in the first place, and offered a little grin.

“Oh, Sharp Sight, ma’am,” I said. “I was planning on moving into town here, and was hoping there were any vacancies? A pony named Applejack pointed me here for that.”

It felt so weird speaking a pony ‘ma’am’, but if I wanted to survive in a world of ponies, I couldn’t afford to get on anyone’s bad side. Especially the supposed mayor.

“Oh! You know Applejack?” Mayor Mare chirped, suddenly sporting a re-energised grin as she began flipping through the stack of papers. “Well, any friend of the Elements of Harmony is a friend of mine! And the town’s, of course.”

“Elements of wh--” I began, before my face became the victim of a full frontal assault by sheet of paper.

“Here’s a free house,” the mayor said behind the paper. “Just off town square so you have a lovely view. It’s the only vacancy we have right now, though.”

I peeled the paper off my poor face and took a look at it. From the attached picture, it seemed alright. One storey tall, but it looked spacious enough. I started reading through the footnotes. Or would those be hoofnotes?

34 Appleseed Road, Ponyville, Principality of Equestria, PV463

-Single-floor house
-5 rooms
-Kitchen with refrigerator unit and oven
-Bathroom unit
-Close to town square

B20,000

“Uhh,” I muttered and prodded the bottom of the sheet, “what’s this number at the bottom?” I clenched my legs, getting a bad feeling.

The mayor craned her head to have a look for herself. “Oh, that’s the cost for the house. Twenty-thousand bits.”

The clenching intensified, and I felt my backside going numb. “Twe--?!” I spluttered. I had no idea how much twenty-thousand of these ‘bit’ things were worth, but if it was for a house, it had to be a lot.

“Oh don’t worry if you can’t afford it right off the bat,” Mayor Mare said with a casual wave of her hoof. “You can pay it off at a later date.”

“Oh, I can?” I asked, sounding a little more relieved. “In that case, I’ll take a look at it.”

“Splendid!” The mayor chirped, then shoved a big feather with a pointed end at me.

Sharp, you uncultured swine. It’s called a quill.

“If you’re happy with the place,” she went on, “just sign the dotted line on the vacancy form and bring it back here as soon as you can.”

“Will do,” I said, and looked at the form again. “Um, isn’t there a deed or…?”

“Oh, you’ll get that when you pay off the twenty-thousand bits,” she explained with a smile. “The house will remain property of the township till you pay the loan in full!”

And there was the catch. The house wasn’t technically mine until I paid it off. They could boot me out any time they pleased, and I couldn’t do anything about it. Whoever they were. Probably the pony police.

I stifled a snort at the thought of ponies in blue police uniforms busting down the door and putting hoof-cuffs on me during a sugar raid or something.

The mayor tilted her head. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh nothing,” I lied. “Just remember a funny… SO! I sign the form if I like the place, and pay it off ASAP or risk getting booted out at your earliest convenience?”

“That’s the gist of it!”

“Brilliant! I’ll get right on that then,” I said, and took the form and quill before trotting to the door. “Thanks, ma’am!”

“Thank you for the help with the papers, Mr…?”

“Sharp Sight.” I figured that paperwork was messing with her train of thought. I remembered why I never went into politics.

“That’s an interesting name. Welcome to Ponyville!”

I smiled and trotted back outside, eager to see what looked like my home for a while. Ponyville was the closest thing to civilisation I was aware of at the moment, and if Crazy Town was to be my home, then so it would be.

I arrived at the house, and much to my relief, the form did not lie. It was just off the town square, and it looked spacy enough. I opened the door, which I found strange right off the bat. Why wasn’t the place locked?

And then I realised it couldn’t lock. There was no sign of a keyhole anywhere on the door.

Either this was a very trustworthy community, or I was the universe’s biggest sucker.

I walked inside and took a look around. Indeed, there was a fridge and oven in the kitchen, and the bathroom had a working toilet, sinks and shower. Ponies can build and operate indoor plumbing. Go figure.

Next to the bathroom was a spacious room with a good view of the countryside surrounding Ponyville. Lots of trees and hills. I decided that’d be my bedroom, because if I was going to sleep and do private things, I didn’t want to be where locals could put their faces to the glass and watch me like I were a zoo exhibit.

And then I began wondering if this world had zoos. If ponies could talk, could other animals? Would zoos technically be prisons for tourists to visit?

I shook the thought of pony tourist zoos out of my head for the moment, as I had more pressing matters on hand. Or was that ‘on hoof’?

It was still bright out, I proposed not long after noon. There was time to go out and find paying work to do. I needed to see if ponies used proper beds, then get some food, then worry about the twenty-thousand bit debt I was in.

Oh, the form!

I took the quill in one hoof, which caused it to fall on the ground. I tried clenching it in both hooves, and attempted to write ‘Sharp Sight’ on the dotted line.

I say ‘attempted’ because the end result turned out to be an illegible mess of inky squiggles that went on, above and below the dotted line.

“Nailed it,” I muttered to myself while harnessing all the sarcasm in the world, and pumped my hoof in the air.

And then I went to dump my John Hancock at Town Hall and look for work on the bulletin board.

Some ponies turned and gave me funny looks when I giggled to myself at the thought of the name ‘John Hanclop’.

And I became convinced that I would not survive here.

3 - Talkin' 'bout My Generosity

A few trips and stumbles later, I was back at the Town Hall and I gave the form to the Mayor. Or rather, I dumped it on one of the two piles of papers on her desk while she mumbled at my attempts at conversation mid-signing things.

"Signed the form," I'd said. "Can I just put it here?"

"Mm," the mayor had grunted, signing a paper with a quill between her teeth, setting it on the pile to her right and reaching for another from her left.

"And I can pay the twenty thousand bits in little installments?"

"Mm-hmm."

"And I don't have a time limit?"

"Mm."

"I'm just gonna get out of here and look for work then."

"Mm."

"Have a nice day."

"Mm-hmm."

Without a doubt the most invigorating conversation I've had since arriving in Ponyville.

I stepped back outside, deciding that now was time to get my bearings. If I was going to get work around here, the least I could do first was learn where everything was. Then once I have a job opportunity, I could rush right over instead of either asking everypony I passed for directions or walking in circles and going even more insane.

And so I began my casual, mindless meandering around town. My eyes scanned around, taking in any places of interest just in case I got called to them at some point by some abnormal force of nature. Something told me I was going to get used to 'abnormal'.

I started small, around the shopping area. Places to buy things were important, because I needed things, and I planned to buy things when I got some money. The charming little cafe looked appealing, and I made a mental note to stop there sometime and see what they had. I also noticed some place called 'Quills and Sofas'--very specific, but hey, I needed a couch. And maybe some quills, I wasn't sure if I wanted to attempt teeth-writing yet. I passed by a bookshop, which made me curious as to what ponies considered good literature. Definitely would stop there sometime. The hardware store just made me fear the idea of the local maniacs operating power tools, especially without opposable thumbs.

One building that caught my eye was decorated like it was this big cake with a door and windows. Like a gingerbread house but... cake instead of gingerbread. I took a moment to wonder if there were real lifesized gingerbread houses before checking out this cake building's name. 'Sugarcube Corner'.

My eyebrows furrowed at the name. I felt like I'd heard it somewhere before. Made me think of the colour pink for some reason. Judging by the smell of baking wafting from the place, I assumed it was some kind of bakery.

Just as I was going to stumble over to the door and take a look, I was bumped on the side. I turned my head and found myself face to face with, surprise surprise, another pony. White with a curly purple mane, and a horn I'm surprised didn't impale me. Then again it didn't look that sharp. The eyelashes made me first assume this pony was a girl, but I didn't want to jump to any conclusions; I had no clue what the rules of this world were.

"Oh, sorry," I muttered instead. "You alright there?"

"I'm fine dear, no harm done," the unicorn(?) replied, in a pretty posh accent that you'd expect to reprimand me for daring to get in her way. "I'm just a little preoccupied, is all." She smiled reassuringly, or at least made an attempt. She was definitely rather pretty, by pony standards I guess.

I cocked an eyebrow and looked at her more closely. Stray hairs curled out from her mane, and she had the start of bags under her eyes. She seemed more than just 'a little preoccupied'. "You look a little exhausted."

She looked a little taken aback by my lack of acceptance, and her smile melted like a snowflake in this world's equivalent of Hell. "Truth be told, darling, I am. I have a huge delivery of outfits that absolutely must be in Manehattan this afternoon, but I can't find anypony strong enough to carry the load to the station!" She raised her head back and put her hoof on her forehead in a show of absolute drama.

"What kind of outfits?" I had to ask, if this delivery was so heavy she couldn't manage it herself.

"The finest fabrics in Equestria, of course!" she wailed. "If they're not in Manehattan by tomorrow I'll be finished! Finished I tell you! And I can not let that happen!" She added with a growl in her voice.

I backed away half a step, ears flopped. I had a feeling stuff like fashion would be a big deal around here, so I wasn't so sure why I was surprised. Perhaps I was worried she would attempt to take out her fabric-fuelled rage on me.

"Um, yeah, that sucks," I agreed, then an idea came to me. Definitely the most inspired idea by any mind ever, pony or otherwise. "Maybe I can help?"

Her face lit up a bit with hope as she looked at me. "Would you? I'd be so grateful, darling! Oh, where are my manners? My name is Rarity, I'm sure you've heard of me~" She struck a pose, hoof and chin raised elegantly.

"I'm Sharp Sight," I replied, then shook my head. "And nope, can't say I have."

Her pose faltered and she gave me a raised eyebrow. "No?"

My eyes darted a bit. "I'm... new to the area."

"Oh," she said, giving a curt, understanding nod. "Well, I'm the owner of Carousel Boutique here in Ponyville, and I teach at the School of Friendship. Oh, and I am also the Element of Generosity~" she added with a sing-song lilt in her voice.

Already I had so many questions. "The School of what?"

"Oh you'd love it," she chirped. "I must get Twilight to show you! Oh, but here I am digressing. The cart with the outfits is just outside my shop, follow me~"

She began practically prancing away, and I just sorta shambled after her. I had nothing better to do aside from walk, and besides, how heavy could a load of clothes be?

"HEAVY, HEAVY. VERY HEAVY."

Beads of sweat crept down my face as I struggled with all my pony-might to haul what felt like a whole load of lead weights through town. Rarity wasn't kidding when she said this was a huge delivery - the cart was the size of a house! I didn't really get time to argue the fact once Rarity used her evil unicorn magic powers to strap me onto the thing and mush me away from her shop. Hell, I didn't even get a chance to say how pretty the shop looked from the outside! And who builds a cart this size with only one harness?!

I grunted and groaned as I struggled down the street, following Rarity to the station. Onlookers gave me looks of confusion mixed with sympathy. "Wh-what'd you make this stuff out of? Steel?!"

"I did say it was a huge delivery," Rarity pointed out, though she didn't sound that condescending. More like she was just pointing out a fact, which she was but I still didn't like it. "But I truly appreciate you doing this for me, darling. The station isn't too far now, let's make haste!"

I felt like I was about to make something alright. My legs were screaming bloody murder and my back was begging for mercy, and I had the right mind to just wrestle out of the harness and leave Rarity to use her fancy-shmancy magic to haul this stuff, or tell her where she can stick it. But I was in a strange land with even stranger beings, and I wouldn't survive here long without making a few friends out of these lunatics. If I could pull this off without pulling off some limbs, I could use it to ask for a favour from her should she have something I need. I scratch her back, she scratches my sweaty, aching back.

After what felt like three-hundred years of hard labour, I managed to pull the cart onto the train platform, and Rarity unhooked the harness to release me from my new personal hell. I gracefully flopped face first onto the ground and groaned in a language I'd just invented at that moment that I called Pain.

"Here we are," Rarity chirped, her high energy making me despise her at the moment. My ears pricked up as I heard a train whistle enter my peripheral hearing. "And just in time too!"

I somehow found the energy to turn my head toward the sound, and watched as a pink steamtrain slowed and pulled into the station, carrying quite a number of cars behind it. The heart-shaped window on the train just screamed 'gaudy' and made me think someone had just supersized a children's toy. I could only wonder how the stallion driving the thing felt about it, but his neckerchief and old-timey striped hat were pretty charming.

I tried to scoop myself off the ground, under the assumption that I'd have to help haul the ridiculously heavy clothing into the train, but my legs were on strike and refused to work, sending me flopping back down.

"Oh never worry, darling," Rarity said with a warm smile, and pointed a hoof toward a small team of uniformed ponies nearing the cart. Likely baggage handlers. "You get your strength back, we can take it from here."

Oh thank pony-god.

"Oh, and before I forget," she added, and used her magic to float a pretty sizeable sack over to me, "a little something to say thank-you for your help. Does fifty bits sound fair, darling?"

I had no idea how much fifty bits were worth, but judging by the weight of the satin sack in my hoof, I wagered it was quite a lot. It also smelled vaguely of perfume. "Oh that's fine, thanks a lot."

"Oh no, thank you," sang the unicorn, using her magic to help the baggage handlers lift the outfits onto the train. "I'll be fine from here darling, I'll let you get back to your business."

I refrained from admitting the only business I had right now was to either spend or save this money, and I gave her a polite nod before turning to walk off, carrying the sack between my teeth. "I'll get out of your way then. See you around."

"Tata~"

I stepped out of the train station and back into town, my head high with pride and my legs pulsing with pain.

After spending about half an hour resting my legs and pony-watching on a bench, I stared at the sack of bits and came to two conclusions. First, that doing random jobs for strangers in this town apparently got you rewards, which would be very useful for me. Second, I couldn't carry a frilly satin sack of money in my mouth all day. I couldn't risk it getting stolen, plus I felt a little ridiculous carrying it. Plus my teeth were getting sore from the clenching and the taste of perfume in my mouth was starting to make me gag.

During my pony-watching, I'd noticed that a lot of shop-goers were toting saddlebags. Having something to carry stuff around in would be rather useful in my new, if temporary(?) day-to-day life. I spotted a sign on a stall in the marketplace depicting such bags and, once I was sure my legs were back in working condition, I got up and went to swim through the crowd of shoppers. I'd hate to see this world's version of Black Friday.

I got to the stall and picked out a cheap, standard brown saddlebag. Nothing flashy, just something I can stuff a lot of stuff into. Plus it was only fifteen bits, so I had plenty left over. Nice of Rarity to pay well for a few hours' work, she was either loaded or really really generous.

I passed by the vegetable stand and eyed up the carrots. I raised an eyebrow and wondered if my new pony body came with new pony taste buds that would appreciate the natural, if oddly-shaped nutrition of carrots more than my old human ones. I was never a fan of carrots before, but for some reason they didn't look too bad right then. I shrugged and coughed up a couple more bits for a small bunch of them to shove in my bag, keeping one in my hoof as I broke out of the crowd.

I sniffed the carrot a few times before taking a small bite of the tip, playing around with the taste in my mouth for a moment. I swallowed and blinked.

"Wow, carrots are awesome now."

I happily chomped up the rest of the carrot and tossed the top over my shoulder. I wasn't sure if Ponyville believed in cycling, but carrots were natural so whatever.

I stumbled a bit as I felt a sudden extra weight in my saddlebag, like something had just fallen into it. I was sure I had the flap closed, so either I'd bought a magical saddlebag for a good price, or someone had sneaked something into it in an attempt to get me arrested for shoplifting despite being nowhere near a shop.

My mind works in mysterious ways.

Just as I went to open the flap, a yellow, winged pony with a long pink mane landed next to me from the sky.

"Oh goodness," she gasped, her voice rather soft like it wasn't used to going above a few decibels. "I'm so sorry about this!"

"Uh?" was all I could get out before I took notice of something moving in my saddlebag. And then I became worried. "What's going on?" I gingerly lifted the flap of my saddlebag and watched the new pony reach both hooves inside.

"There you are, mister," she scolded in an admittedly adorable attempt to sound stern. "You know better than to take other ponies' carrots."

"Oh, really it's no big d--" I halted when she fished what she was looking for out of my bag.

And that's when I learned that, even in such a happy colourful world full of talking ponies with nice hair, there existed pure, unadulterated evil.

4 - The Most Foul, Cruel and Bad-Tempered Rodent You Ever Set Eyes On

The world froze around me as I stared into its eyes. Its black, beady little eyes that bore into me like razor-sharp glaciers with its complete indifference. Its long ears that would twitch in delight as my heart beat its last. Those little buck teeth that looked prime and ready to pierce into my soul the moment I let my guard down... once it was done eating one of my carrots, the little jerk.
The winged pony frowned, looking a bit worried. "Are you alright? You're not hurt, are you?"
I shook the terror out of my head and gathered my thoughts. "O-oh, yeah I'm fine. No bites or anything."
"Oh thank goodness," she sighed, relaxing as she set the bushy-tailed monster on her back. "Angel can get a little nippy when he's grumpy, which is usually when he's hungry. I'm so sorry about your carrots, he must have smelled them."

That little demon is named Angel?! There are some sick ponies in this town.

"Oh, it was just a couple of bits," I said with a dismissive flick of the hoof. "Really, no harm done." Not physically anyway. I tried not to make eye contact with Angel. Behind that fluffy, bored-looking face there lay the intent of a ruthless killing machine.
"But that's no excuse for bad manners," the pony insisted, and turned to her side so that the snow-white beast was eye-to-eye with me. "Say you're sorry, Angel."
Angel rolled his eyes and squeaked something in his devil language.
"He says he's sorry for taking your carrots," she explained.
I blinked slowly, starting to think I'd run into another crazy. I wouldn't have been surprised. "Um, it's fine...?"
"Oh that's good," she said with a sigh of relief, then turned to face me again. "I don't think we've met before. My name is Fluttershy."
I had to smile a little. That name was admittedly some adorable wordplay, though she didn't seem all that shy to me. "I'm Sharp Sight. I'm new around here." I had a feeling that was going to be my catchphrase, and on my tombstone in the near future.
"Oh, well welcome to Ponyville," she said with a warm smile. "I hope you like it here."
She was being rather nice and civil, so I decided not to divulge that this town actually terrified me a bit. "It's growing on me, yeah."
"I'm glad," she said, and then skirted around me. "I'm so sorry for taking up your time, and I wish I could welcome you properly but I'm in a bit of a rush."
Part of me just wanted to wave her off so she'd get Angel away from me, but my more rational half was the one that brought me to ask, "Something wrong?"
"Oh no," Fluttershy said with a shake of her head. "I just didn't realise that I was so low on bird food, so I had to rush to pick up some sunflower seeds. And then someone--" she gave Angel a soft glare, "--sneaked into my bag because he wouldn't eat his lettuce this morning." Angel stuck out his tongue distastefully.

I found myself somewhat terrified that me and that little monster had something in common; I was never a big fan of eating my greens either. But since I hadn't seen even the slightest hint of a butcher's around here, I had a sinking feeling I'd have to start. Then again, carrots weren't all bad all of a sudden, so maybe my taste buds were adjusting?

"Sorry to hear that," I said. "Don't suppose I could lend a hand?"
Fluttershy tilted her head. "Pardon? Lend a what?"
"Hoof," I quickly backpedaled, "I said 'hoof'." This pony lingo was going to be a pain.
She glanced upward in thought for a moment. "Well, I don't really want to impose..."
I shrugged. "I'm not doing anything important right now."
"It's just I have a lot of animals to feed, and I like to feed them all at roughly the same time so it feels fair. I don't mind it of course, it's just that with me being out of bird food, it's going to be a bit of a rush by myself."
"Sure, I can help you out with that," I said with a nod.
"Oh, thank you so much!" she chirped with a grateful smile, and she trotted past me a few steps. "Let me just get some sunflower seeds and I'll take you to my home."

I watched as she disappeared into the crowd of ponies, and I felt relieved at an easy-sounding job that didn't involve hauling a giant mound of clothes.

It's only feeding some pets, how hard can that be?

I followed Fluttershy on a dirt path out of town, with a heavy sack of birdseed that I had decided in my infinite wisdom to carry for her when she was having trouble with it on her own. Somehow I wasn't expecting her to get a bag of the stuff that was the size of me.
Though whichever deity or deities existed in this world decided to cut me a break, as the walk wasn't that long. I was soon looking at a cottage that was rather pleasant on the eyes, sporting a green, grass-like roof instead of thatch. Like somepony had taken a tree and moulded it into a house. It even had a little stream with the path going over a bridge.

"Well, this is my home," Fluttershy said, and stopping my mental count of how many nests and birdhouses were around the house. I'd reached twelve. She really did need all that birdseed.
"It's pretty nice," I said truthfully.
"Oh thank you," she said with a smile, and lifted the sack of seeds off my back, allowing me a chance to silently thank the pony gods for their mercy.
I opened my mouth to say my thanks to her, but I froze as I felt the ground shake beneath my hooves. My ears flopped. "Is that normal? Should I be worried?"
"Oh no," Fluttershy said with a knowing smile, "everyone's just coming for lunch."

I wanted to run for my life, but fear decided it was more plausible to keep me rooted to the path as the tidal wave of animals rushed out of anywhere and everywhere. Birds appeared from nests and birdhouses, mice jump out of the house's windows, squirrels scurried down from the trees, otters hopped out of the stream, and-

"IS THAT A BEAR?!" I screeched in pure terror as an honest-to-pony-god fully-grown brown bear thundered toward us. I felt an icy chill when its paws wrapped around Fluttershy, but I found my breath when I realised it was... hugging her.

"Harry's just a great big teddy bear," she giggled and rubbed under the bear's chin with her hoof and cooed, "Aren't you, Harry?" The bear responded with a soft grunt.
I raised an eyebrow, and looked around at all the animals surrounding Fluttershy, with something that looked like admiration in their eyes.
"I take it your thing is animals?" I asked.
"My thing?" she asked quizzically, then blinked. "Oh, my special talent? Oh yes, I've always been able to talk to animals. I can understand them and what they're feeling, and they can understand me too."
At first I thought this mare was just another loony, and I opened my mouth to speak my scepticism, but then I noticed when she was talking to a hummingbird, it was occasionally nodding and it chirped something to her.
"Oh I know, Hummingway," I overheard her as she filled its feeder, "I made sure to get you the best sunflower seeds I could find." The bird chirped happily and started helping itself.

Maybe she wasn't so crazy.

Once she was done with the seed, Fluttershy swooped into the house and soon returned with a small stack of bowls, looking filled up with what looked like sliced carrots, lettuce, tomatoes and such.
"I was thinking you could help feed the bunnies?" she offered innocently. "Don't worry, they all get the same. Apart from Mr. Picky over here, but I'll take care of him." She added with a glance toward Angel.
"Oh sure, I can handle th--" I froze, eyes pinpricking. "Excusemehelpfeedthewhat."
Fluttershy frowned. "Is something wrong?"
I shook my head. "N-no, not at all!" I lied, wanting to make a good first impression.
She nodded and smiled. "Just set them down for them, they'll help themselves," she instructed, and she flew off, coaxing Harry to follow her.

I glanced down at the long-eared monsters in front of me, staring at me expectantly. Brown, grey, black... who knew evil could come in so many colours?

Fluttershy wasn't insane. She was downright diabolical.

It was just me, a mound of rabbit food, and sparse sea of bunnies, their beady white eyes staring right at it. Then at me. Then at the food. Then back to me.
I took a deep breath, and took a bowl of food off the top of the stack. "Nice bunnies--"
Everything went slow. A tidal wave of cute, fluffy terror bounded and hopped toward me, their buck teeth glistening in the sun and their eyes practically glowing with intent.
Everything went black, and I felt paws bounding on and off of me in a disorderly fashion.

It's the petting zoo all over again.

"Is everything okay?" I heard Fluttershy's voice in the near distance, and I took my hooves off my eyes and scrambled to stand back up. "I thought I heard a filly screaming."
My ears flopped again. That couldn't have been me. No, nope, it surely wasn't. "I didn't hear anything."
She blinked, then took a look behind me. "Thank you for feeding the bunnies, looks like you're a natural with them."
"Uh?" I turned and looked to the rabbits, which were calmly and orderly helping themselves to the food, two or three to a bowl. "Oh, uh... thanks."

They let me live today, but what insidious plans did they have in store for me?

Then I narrowed my eyes and noticed one of the rabbits approaching us. A grey one, with little... antlers? Horns? It definitely had one of each. "Is that some kind of jackalope?"
"Huh? I don't..." Fluttershy trailed off, and looked into the jackalope(?)'s smug little eyes. "Oh, I know who this is." She confirmed with a smile.
I blinked. "Who--"

The jackalope(?) suddenly burst into a white light, and in its place hovered a... noodle-goat thing with what looked like a lion's paw, a bird's foot, a hoof and a lizard leg.
"Firstly, I am a Draconequus," the noodle-goat said in a mischievous, masculine voice, "I am not a 'noodle-goat thing'." He made quote marks with his fingers-slash-talons.
I swallowed, suddenly nervous. "H-how did you know--"
"Would you believe I can read minds?" He smirked, his one fang glimmering in the sun. He then frowned. "No I'm asking, would you believe me?"
I blinked quickly a few times. "I guess I wouldn't rule it out."
"Open-minded! I like it!" He said from behind me, and he put his arm(?) around me and spoke again before I could question how he got behind me all of a sudden. "Bit of a pansy, though. Seriously Fluttershy, of all ponies you could run into, you found one whose weakness is cute and cuddly things?"

I turned to Fluttershy for help, and she was just giggling into her hoof. "Who is this?!"
"Oh, sorry," she said and pointed her raised hoof to the Draconequus. "This is Discord."
I frowned and gave her a look. "I figured that, but what's his name?"
The new creature snorted and cackled, giving my back a sharp slap and making me whimper. "And he does jokes! You really are the whole package!" He grinned and tied a red bow around my middle, the tag reading 'Do not open before Hearth's Warming'.
"His name is Discord," Fluttershy explained, looking thoroughly entertained by the whole display of whatever this guy was doing.
Discord took a bow. "Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony--TM--and Fluttershy's best friend in this realm and mine. And you'll do well to keep that in mind." His smile disintegrated into a threatening scowl, his eyes practically glowing red.
"I got it," I whimpered quickly.
"Good!" Discord chirped, the sinister air around him vanishing as quickly as it came. He snapped his fingers and a filing cabinet appeared out of thin air, hovering as he started flicking through each shelf. "Now then, who might you be? I don't believe I have you on file."
"This is Sharp Sight," Fluttershy answered for me. "He's new to Ponyville, and he offered to help me feed the animals."
"Well aren't you just the good little Samaritan?" Discord chuckled, almost mockingly, and pinched my cheeks between his talons. I tried not to whimper loud enough for him to hear.
"Uh, I guess," I muttered uneasily, and glanced over to Fluttershy. "You want anymore help?" I quickly asked, eager to get away from all of this awkwardness.
"Well, with Discord here, I think we're covered," the buttery pony said. "But thank you so much for helping with the bunnies."

"Wait," I said, holding a hoof up, "if you had this guy to help, why not ask him in the first place?"
"Just because Fluttershy is my best friend," Discord answered, "doesn't mean I don't have my own things to do. The milk ran out at home, you see. Had to chase it for a good eleven miles before it gave up, who knew dairy could be so fickle."
I had the feeling he was being serious, but given Fluttershy's titters and my being absolutely exhausted and fed up with everything that existed at the moment, I just took it as a joke.
"Is there anything you'd like before you go?" Fluttershy offered. "I'd hate to send you away with nothing after all your help."
"No need," I muttered, forcing a smile, "I was happy to lend a hand--hoof. Lend a hoof." I corrected myself quickly.

Truth be told, I didn't mind a lack of payment if it meant getting out of there faster. I didn't like how Discord kept giving me the stink eye every time Fluttershy's back was turned.

I sighed as I returned to town, the sun setting and the sky becoming a warm orange. Fluttershy was nice and all, but it was hard keeping a smile on my face with Discord giving me the I'm watching you gesture when Fluttershy's back had turned.

Looks like someone has a security blanket.

Relief washed over me as my new home came into view. All I could think of was what one heck of a day I'd had. I woke up with two more legs and two less arms and a magnifying glass on my butt, I met a lot of talking ponies whose sanity I am still worried about--especially that one pony, Lyra I think. What was her deal?--and I got a few odd jobs done. Plus some money in my pocket. Not bad for somepony who had no idea what in the world had happened to him.

Somepony. That still sounds so weird to say.

With a soft sigh, I pushed the door open, ready to find a comfy bit of floor to collapse on for the next decade.

I flicked on the light--

"SURPRISE!!"

5 - Ms. Pie's Wild Ride

Balls of confetti popped over my head, covering my head in streamers and bits of coloured paper. Ponies crowded every space I could see inside and cheered my arrival. Banners reading Welcome to Ponyville, Sharp Sight! were strewn across the walls.

I wasn't sure how to feel, but I was leaning toward 'terrified'. Though I also found myself wondering just how many ponies were squeezed into my modestly sized house. There was even a DJ booth in the corner, manned by a Unicorn with shades and, I had to admit, a pretty cool hairstyle.

"I--" was all I managed to utter before my retinas were assaulted by a sheer influx of pink. And a little blue in the eyes.
"Here he iiiiiiis~!" sang the pink Pony, who I remembered assaulting me with words earlier. "The guest of honour is here! Pinkie Pie says engage party mode!" She pointed to the DJ pony, who nodded and flipped some switches on the DJ booth. The loud techno song signalled that party mode had indeed engaged.

"I'm--" was all I could get out before I had a pair of blue eyes right in my face once again.
"Excited?! I knew you would be!" squeaked Pinkie. "I know I said we'd have your 'Welcome to Ponyville' surprise party at Sugarcube Corner but when I was baking the cake I realised it wouldn't be much of a surprise if I told you where the party was gonna be right?"
"Uh--"
"So I figured why not have the party at your house so you can come home to a lot of Ponies to say hello and be friends with!"
"I--"
"Aww ya don't need to thank me! Just go say hi to somepony and mingle! I'll be around if you need me!"
"Wait--" I tried, but Pinkie had already bounced into the shuffling crowd.

I do need you. To stop this party and let me sleep.

But she was nowhere to be seen amongst the sea of partying pastel equines. It's hard to pull the plug if it's covered behind the couch. The plug being pink and hyperactive and the couch being made of Ponies.

Good at this 'analogy' stuff, aren't you.

I sighed and closed the door, deciding to cut my losses and make the most of the situation.
Besides, a party meant party food. And I was pretty hungry.

I shuffled around and through groups of Ponies, managing a smile and wave at any of them who said "Hello" or "Welcome" or whichever they preferred, and made my way to the kitchen. If I was going to let an impromptu party happen on my property--well, technically the town's property but shush--then I was entitled to some free food, was I not?
Thankfully there was only one other Pony in there with me, and it was a familiar face too. Well, a familiar hat and cutie mark.

Heh, apple bottoms.

"Well howdy, Sharp Sight," she greeted with a tip of her hat.
"Hey, um," I muttered and glanced up at the ceiling as I tried hard to remember her name. Then I thought about drinks. "Applejack, right?"
"Least your head's runnin' better than your legs," she chuckled, "how're ya likin' Ponyville?"
The day rewound inside my head. Falling on my face multiple times, dragging a stupidly heavy cart of clothes, facing my small fluffy fears and being passive-aggressively threatened by a reality-warping ungodly god that looked like something that'd be chained up in a mad scientist's basement. Though I found myself thinking it was at least somewhat exciting.
"Well," I said, "I don't hate it here."
Applejack smiled. "Yeah, gets pretty crazy 'round here but you'll get used to it."
You're telling me.
"Fancy some apple cider?" she asked, filling a tankard with amber liquid from a keg and holding it out to me. Froth bubbled over the rim.
I blinked, stared at the froth for a moment. The last thing I expected to find in such a colourful diabetes-for-the-eyes world was alcohol.
"Thanks," I said and took it on impulse with a grin on my face.

I held the tankard to my lips, and hesitated.
Wait, the last time I got wasted I woke up in a field with four legs.
I furrowed my brow.
So maybe if I get wasted again, I'll wake up in my own bed with two legs again!
Very sound logic you got there.
Shut up. After the day I've had, I think I've earned a drink.
How do you know you won't wake up in the corner in a room with eight legs?
That's impossible.
Is it?
...actually maybe not but--

"Y'all okay there, sugarcube?" asked Applejack, cutting into my mind's argument with my brain. "Yer meant to drink it, not stare at it."
"Sorry," I muttered, "I was, uh... yeah."
I took a sip of the drink, moved the taste around my mouth for a second. I swallowed, looked at the tankard again. A bigger swig this time.
"Pretty good, huh?" asked the mare, making no effort to mask her pride. "Ol' Apple Family recipe."
I let out a breath, smiling right at her. "Tangy, sweet, with just the right kick. I approve very much."
"Sounds like ya know a lil' about cider," she said, no hint of sarcasm in her tone, and held out her hoof. "Refill?"
"Eh, why not?" I grinned and passed the tankard.

I watched Applejack pour more cider from the keg, choosing to ignore the little buzz in the back of my head.

I blinked a few times, less in shock and more trying to focus, at the catering table in the hall. Cakes, muffins, cupcakes, fruit punch, apple pie, all that stuff.
I grabbed a cupcake and crammed it in my face. The pure sugary taste collided with the cider taste in my mouth and mingled in a way I wasn't sure what to think of. Was it good or bad? I wasn't spitting it back out so I figured I liked it.
I tried another one, and noticed a red bottle on the table. I squeezed some of its contents on top and stuffed it in.
Sweet and spicy. Like sugary hot sauce. That's hot sauce. I put hot sauce on my cupcake.
I fluttered my eyelids.
Awesome.
The buzz grew and I shook my head. I needed a drink to focus.
Yeah, drink. Where's my drink. Where in the absolute almighty buck is my--oh it's in my hoof.
I lifted my tankard to my mouth. A drop fell in. I blinked and shook the tankard. Empty. Not good.
Time for the nice cider Pony. Where's the kitchen?
I started stumbling around, apologising to anypony I bumped into. At least, I was trying to say "sorry" but I couldn't exactly recall.
One of the Ponies was pink and had curly hair. It took me a moment to recognise her.
"Heeeyyyyy Panky," I greeted, and narrowed my eyes at her frequently blurring face. "Hooollld on a sec, thisss camera won't focus."
"Camera?" Pinkie frowned, then giggled. "You're really having fun, huh?"
"I'mmmm doin' great!" I snickered, nearly hitting the poor mare in the face when I lifted my tankard. "Oh right... where'sss th'kitchen? Need a drink."
"Applejack's cider is great, huh?" Pinkie giggled. "Want a refill?"
"Yeeeaahhh," I said right to her face, making her squint from my apple-hot sauce breath. "I can handle it. Top me up!"
"Yessir!" she squeaked, saluting and bouncing off to the kitchen.

"whhhat're you lookin at?" I asked, stumbling toward a rainbow-haired Pegasus.
"what're you lookin at?" she snapped back, waving her own empty tankard with one hoof and jabbing my chest with the other.
"whhhhat're you lookin' at?"
"yoouuu wanna start?"
"I think you wanna sssstart."
"oooohhh I'm thinkin of startin."
"lets start then!"

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" chanted the circle of ponies, while Rainbow Pony and I downed a tankard of cider each in the centre. Pinkie gave us refills while we stared each other down.

"hey!" I scowled at Rainbow Pony. "we never ssssaid your twins could join in!"
"iiiii dont have twins!" Rainbow Pony spat. "besssides, you got qua--...quack--...squid--...theresss four of you!"
"your cheatin!"
"no youre cheatin!"
I stumbled toward the angry quintuplets. "ok, thats it!"
All seven of them pumped their front hooves in a boxing stance. "come at me!"

"and he sssays thats not a cumulonimbus," Rainbow Pony snickered, front leg over my shoulder, "thatsss my wife!"
Both of us snorted and doubled over into a laughing fit.
"iiiii have no idea wwwwhat you jusss said," I tried my best to say, "buuuuut i llllike you! lesss be bes frens!"
"awwww why not," she hiccuped. "wwwwhat were we fightin about again?"
"iiii dunno," I mumbled, shaking my head. "lessss have a drrrink an trry to rember."
"i like hhhow you think!"

"ssssSSO do poNes get marrEd?"
The purple Unicorn, who I could swear also had wings but I had been drinking a little so I wasn't sure, tilted her head. "You mean 'married'?"
"yyyeah. chHhuUrch n stuF."
"Well, my brother's married," she said, in that 'I really want you to go away' tone I was very familiar with but too drunk to catch the point of. "The ceremony was in Canterlot Castle though, not a church."
"oooOooOOOoo, fffncy!" I snorted, then lowered my eyelids and leaned against the wall. "wwwhy dont we get marRrarrard? u n me, whaTsyerface."
"Um, maybe I should wait till the morning to talk to you..."
"myriad in tH morn?" I laughed and burped. "u mov faSst! but we shud git to Know each uthR frst. u dont go at it on th frst date aftr aL."
"Date?" She cringed and scooted away. "Sorry, but you're too drunk... and smelly."
"cmooon bubY, i cn chanGe!"
"Actually, you're very drunk," she corrected, backing away. "Besides, I'm not really into humans."

...huh?

I blinked, shook my head. Did she say 'human'?
She knows something! I heard the sober part of my brain say, from somewhere far in the back.
"ey!" I called to the purple Pony, but she had disappeared amongst a sea of pastel. Had she even been there to begin with? She had wings and a horn after all. I had no idea about the rules of this world, but I was pretty sure that wasn't a common thing.
Maybe I'd just imagined it. Too much cider.
I needed a drink to clear my head.

I headbutted the nearest door, and to my sheer surprise and dumb luck, it was the door to the kitchen. I stumbled up to the wooden keg, raising my hoof to it.
I halted, staring at my hoof. There was meant to be something there, right?
A tankard. Yeah. Where'd that go? Did I drop it?
I looked toward the door, listening to the muffled music and chatter of Ponies outside.
I looked back to the keg.

My lips were wrapped around the spout and my hoof was turning the nozzle.

6 - It's a Kind of Magic

The sun rose slowly over the horizon, lighting up the sky with its brilliant golden hue. Down at nearby Sweet Apple Acres, the air was filled with the call of a healthy rooster to announce the arrival of a new day.

At least, I assumed it was. I couldn't hear any roosters over my groans of pain.

My hooves pressed at my head as it pulsed with a strong, dull ache. I moved slowly, feeling ready to throw up any moment. I took a moment to glance at said hooves. Drinking might have brought me into magical Pony land, but it didn't seem to take me back out again. Well, never hurt to try. Actually, it hurt a lot to try.
With great care, I slid off the bed, hooves daintily hitting the wooden floor.

...bed?

I shook my head and blinked, did a double take. Gave myself a gentle slap, to be certain. Sure enough, my chosen patch of sleeping hardwood was covered with a comfortable looking double-bed. Pillows, sheets, the whole shebang. There was even a bedside table, with a glass of water and what looked like some paper on it. Paper with words on it. Actual writing that I could decipher, instead of my hoof-written chicken-scratch.

I took a moment to wonder if chickens could write in this universe, then leaned over to read the paper.

Come to the castle as soon as you can. All your questions will be answered.
P.S. It's the shiny crystal-like one in town. You can't miss it.

"Oh. That's what that is."

I wrapped the glass around my hoof and chugged the water as I entered the bathroom. If I was going to a castle, I figured I should freshen up a bit.
I looked in the mirror. A stallion with tired, bloodshot eyes and 5 o'clock shadow stared back at me. I wasn't exactly farting pixie dust, though I felt like I might puke a few rainbows.
My migraine faded, and my eyes got clearer. The stubble faded. I blinked and looked at myself. I looked much better. Felt it, too.
I looked down at the empty glass. Either that was wonderful magical water, or these Ponies understood the wonderful joys of aspirin. Either way, I felt refreshed and could think straight.

Who had written that letter? Maybe it was that purple, winged Unicorn? My eyes widened slightly. That made sense, since I could remember clearly what she'd said last night. She'd mentioned humans, to me specifically, so she knew something.

If she was even real.

"Shut up."

You shut up.

I glanced back at my reflection, taking a closer look at my long snout and pointy ears, my big buggy eyes. It was hard to believe, but this was me. My new, hopefully temporary look. Would I ever go back to a regular, human face? To have only two legs and opposable thumbs? To not have a tail?

"Wow," I said, realising something, "I have nice hair."

I passed through the living room, wondering where my new couch came from, and set the glass in the kitchen. The cupboards and fridge were all stocked with veggies and desserts of all kinds, plus a pitcher of apple juice. Thinking about this and the new furniture, I could only come to one logical conclusion.
When you drink in this world, Ponies give you things.
I patted where I thought my liver was. It had a good run, but it was nearly time for it to ascend to Pony heaven. At least I wouldn't be far behind.

Moment of existentialism aside, I exited into the world. Or at least the town. I wasn't ready for the world yet.

The reactions to seeing me trudging down the street were certainly different. Mares still gave me weird looks, which I was more used to than I'd care to admit, but stallions bumping hooves with me and saying how good that party was last night? That was a new one. I knew I had a habit of going a bit wild after a few drinks, but I'd never been congratulated for it. I could get used to that.
It was strange, though. It wasn't even my party. That pink Pony--Pinkie, was it?--threw it together. Without my permission, granted, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Or would that be a gift Pony here?

That wasn't a comfortable mental image.

I soon arrived at the castle, nestled just outside of town. It was definitely easy to find, since I couldn't see any other crystallised trees around here. I remembered seeing it on my first visit, wondering why it was here. It was good to know it served some kind of purpose.
I rapped on the door and waited. And waited. And waited. I tapped my hoof on the ground. I went to knock again, but the door slowly opened inward.

Ten seconds was a long time to wait for a door to open.

"Welcome to the Castle of Friendship," said a voice. Young boy, by my guess. "What can I do for you?"
I looked down, and my large eyes got larger at what they beheld. "Are you a dragon?" I blurted out.
The small creature raised an eyebrow as I checked out his purple and green scales. "Last I checked, yeah."
I gasped, my front hooves tapping on the ground with glee. "Do you breathe fire?"
"Yeah?"
I bounced on my knees. "Can I see?"
The dragon rolled his eyes and nonchalantly spat out a flicker of green flame. It took every ounce of any dignity I had left not to squeal in delight, and I contained myself to looking like I really needed the toilet.
"Happy now?" he asked.
"Very, thank you."
"Now what do you want?"
I shook my head and fished the note out from my saddlebag. "Oh, uh, I got this note saying to meet somebody here. Uh, somepony, I mean."
He glanced at the note, then up at me. "Oh yeah, Twilight said you'd come by. C'mon in."

I followed the little dragon into the castle and looked around the corridors. Carpets, nice things on the walls, a lot of crystals. This place must've cost a fortune.
I took a breath. This 'Twilight' knew something about me, and I had to find out what. Maybe she had a way to send me home and I could forget all about this long and realistically painful fever dream.

I was led up some stairs to a door with the word 'Library' engraved in it.
"Just in here," said the dragon, pushing the door open.
I followed him inside, and my jaw slacked at all the shelves lined at the wall, all filled with books. Just what could these Ponies get up to that could warrant this much literature? Though, on the other hand--hoof--it was a small comfort that whoever this Twilight was, they were a bookworm as well as rich enough to afford a crystal palace.

One of the round tables had stacks and piles of books on it, and from them erupted yet another Pony. This one purple and with a horn. Unicorn, then. And a mare too, if I was understanding how facial structures worked.
She opened her wings and swooped over to me and the dragon, landing in front of us. Okay, the wings definitely were not an alcohol-fuelled hallucination.
"That weirdo's here, Twilight," said the dragon.
"Spike." The winged Unicorn shot him a stern look, then gave me a more sympathetic one. "Sorry about him, he's a little sore because of... well, I told him about last night."
"Last night?" I murmured, then took a quick run through the fog that was my memories. "Oh, it was you drunk me was hitting on?"
She gave me a surprisingly sympathetic smile. "Don't worry about it, I know you weren't in your right mind. Though I'd watch how much cider I drink from now on; Applejack's in particular has quite a kick."
"You're telling me." I rubbed my temple. "Good thing you Ponies have miracle hangover-curing water here."
"Huh?" the purple mare tilted her head. "Oh, I just put the aspirin in the water. It must have dissolved by the time you woke up."
"Oh." Well I felt silly. "Well, thanks anyway. I don't think I'd have even gotten out of the house without it."
Twilight smiled once again. "Oh, introductions. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is my number-one assistant, Spike." She waved a hoof to the purple dragon, who gave a small wave.
"I'm Sharp Sight," I said.
"I know. We've met, but not been introduced properly."
"Right." I bit my lip. "So, uh... you're the one who left that note?"
Twilight's face turned dire, and she gestured with a wing to follow as she walked toward the pile of books she'd erupted from earlier.

That wasn't a good face. That was the face your mom would make just before she told you she accidentally vacuumed one of your favourite small toys and it was already on its way to the trash dump.

That's relatable, right? Please say yes, imaginary audience in my head.

"It's kind of a long story," Twilight began, sitting on a stool. "In my spare time - as much as I can get, anyway - I've been studying dimensional travel. I've been fascinated by the concept ever since I was sent to another world to find the Element of Magic. I wanted to see just how many other universes lay beyond ours - well, mine in the case of you and me."
"So, Ponies have discovered how to travel to other worlds," I summed up and nodded, choosing to ignore that 'Element of Magic' thing. One bit of weirdness at a time. "Alright, I'm with you so far."
Her hoof glided across some hastily-written notes and doodles. "The castle up in Canterlot used to have a mirror that could travel to another dimension, but it was destroyed a while ago. Though I managed to recover some fragments and used them to study the magical frequency for dimensional travel in hopes of a way to recreate it."
"Uh-huh."
"And so, combining that with the notes I've made of Star Swirl the Bearded's findings, I spent my spare time developing a spell that, although needs a high concentration of a certain magical frequency, if said frequency is pitched at just the right amount of strength and in just the right position in the world, a path to another plain of existence can be accessed to a certain degree."
"Yup."
She looked up and caught my blank stare. "I've been working on a magic spell that lets me access other worlds," she summarised.
"Oh, uh," I mumbled, "yeah, I knew that. Yes, very clever."
"Real genius you picked up," Spike murmured under his breath, earning a stern glare from Twilight and a self-conscious glance from myself.
"Anyway," she continued, "it seems that, somehow, when I tested the spell again a few days ago, I managed to open a portal into a brand new dimension. One that I've never seen before, or even thought would exist. Yours. I only got a glimpse of it before the portal closed, but somehow, with how you were positioned at the time, you were pulled through into this world."

I shook my head, trying to wrap it around what Twilight had just told me. "Wait, let me get this right; while I was sleeping off a hangover, a portal into this world appeared and sucked me into it?"
"That's my theory, yes. I never intended to actually take anything, it just... happened."
"And it somehow turned me into a Pony, too?"
Twilight bit her lip. "That part has me baffled, too. Science and magic are fickle mistresses on their own, nevermind combined."

I should have been angry. Completely enraged that some magic-toting nerd dragged me into this world of four-legged lunatics and monsters just because she was messing around with a science project. I should have told her where she could stick her fancy wings and special sparkly horn, then hobbled off to find somepony who could actually help me.
But the look in her eyes told me she meant it when she said bringing me here was an accident. I wasn't a wizard or a scientist, but I'd watched enough TV and movies to know that science and magic were indeed unpredictable, especially combined. Like a shot of whiskey and energy drink, if you didn't mix it properly it would mess you up.

Kind of like how I did that one night. I wondered for a moment if Applejack made whiskey as well as cider, and if there were any actually red bulls in the area. Then I thought about bulls having a drinking contest. The image calmed me down quite a bit.

"Are you okay?" Twilight's voice snapped me out of the amusing daydream. I looked into her sorry eyes again, then shook my head with a sigh.
"Look," I finally said, "if it really was an accident, then don't worry about it. But you can fix it, right?"
Twilight suddenly puffed out her chest, a proud grin on her muzzle. Good sign. "Of course! If I brought you into our world, there's surely a way to take you back! I just... need to find it." She deflated. Not so good sign.
"How long will that take?"
"To be honest, I don't know. We're talking about a totally different universe, with its own rules and its own gateway that's far beyond any realms I've seen so far. Plus, it's a matter of transporting living matter through the gateway intact. It could take hours, days, weeks... maybe years before I crack it."
I nearly collapsed under the weight of dread, disappointment and home loans. "So basically you're saying that I should get used to hanging around here?"
"I'm really sorry, Sharp Sight," sighed Twilight. "If it comes to it, I can try to add a time travel spell to it, so your friends and family don't miss you."

I stopped and looked at my hooves. I hadn't even thought about my friends and family. Did they miss me? Had any of them noticed I was gone?

Pfffft, does a bear use the bathroom? Actually, it probably does around here. I should ask Fluttershy when I see her again.

"Guess you're not in a hurry to get back, huh?" commented Spike, earning another glare from his... owner? Carer? Definitely not lover. Eugh.
"Spike, how could you say that?" she reprimanded. "Look at him, he's absolutely devastated."
"Doesn't really look devastated."
"I looked at him. "Wha'? Sorry, I was thinking about bears."
"You're not crying or anything. In fact, you're taking this pretty well. Being separated from your family and friends and all."
I shrugged. "I don't exactly have friends, per say, just drinking buddies. My folks are never really in a hurry to call me, either. Heck, I don't even have a girlfriend."
Spike snorted. "Wow, you snatched up a real winner, Twilight."
I was just going to ignore that. "Point is, I don't exactly have much to go back to, so I guess I'm in no rush."

Twilight frowned. Something about what I said didn't seem to sit well with her. I suddenly felt the urge to throw a 'but' in there.

"But," I went on, "I gotta admit, this place is starting to grow on me. The locals are... interesting, and it's a lot livelier than where I come from. The most exciting thing you'd find there would be a car crash, but just yesterday I carried a cubic buttload of clothes to a train station, was stampeded by woodland creatures, and got incredibly drunk. Again. Gotta say that's never happened before. Not in one day, I mean."
"Welcome to Ponyville," Spike said. "It'd be a surprise if some kind of creature didn't run you over."
Twilight tilted her head. "So, what are you saying, Sharp Sight?"
I darted my eyes around. Had to choose my words carefully. "What I'm saying is, if you have to take a while to get that spell working again... I guess I wouldn't mind sticking around for a while?"
"Well, that's great to hear." Twilight perked up again, giving me a smile that gave me a warmth in my chest. Like when a dog tilted its head at you doing baby-talk at it. "But if you're going to stick around, I'd suggest you start making some friends."
"Friendship is magic, huh?"
Twilight beamed. "You catch on quick, Sharp Sight! Everypony benefits from the power of friendship, and I know that if you start making some friends, you'll have a much more fun time in Equestria!"

I thought "Friendship Is Magic" was just the tagline. It's actually a thing?

I took a breath. I'd have to live with the mushy stuff if I was going to get anywhere. Besides, I'd already made a few friends already, right? Manual labour equals friendship?

"Well, I'd rather have friends than enemies, I suppose. How does one make friends in these parts?"
"I'm so glad you asked!" Twilight's pearly white teeth beamed in an ear-to-ear grin that reminded me of Pinkie Pie. "I know just the place to start. You'll be absolutely buried with friends and bursting with friendship when I'm done with you!"

My headache started to come back.

Author's Note

Wow, been a while, huh? I'm so sorry for this delay, things have been wild lately. Dealing with irl stuff, family things, and that whole pandemic.

I need a swift kick up the pants to get the ball back up and rolling here.

7 - Love and Tolerance 101

I walked next to Twilight as we walked through Ponyville, Spike resting on her back. I didn't understand why he didn't just use his wings, but I wasn't about to ask a dragon about his business. Besides, Twilight wasn't using her wings either, so whatever. Ponies muttered amongst themselves as we passed by. I was starting to get used to them whispering when I was near, but it felt different this time. Sounded different, too.

"Who's that with Princess Twilight?"
"Must be important. An ambassador, maybe?"
"Isn't that the stallion who kept falling on his face yesterday?"
"I heard he got really drunk at a party and hit on the Princess. Did she take him up on it?"

My cheeks flushed warm. That last one took me by surprise. My attempts to woo women, with or without alcohol in my system, always rewarded me with a sore cheek or a face smelling like cheap vodka. But not this time. Had I...?

I shook my head. No way. She was taking pity on me, and she was helping me since she was the only one clued into what was happening with me. No romance involved whatsoever. Besides, she was a Pony, I was... well, technically, I was also a Pony, but she was a Princess. I didn't fancy my chances. Then again, weirder things have happened. Like getting hooves.

"Don't take it to heart," Twilight said, giving me a reassuring smile. "When there isn't a monster attack or end-of-the-world crisis, there isn't much going on in Ponyville, so Ponies love to gossip."
I nodded, but then I noticed how nonchalantly she brought that up. "Monster attacks and ends of the world happen often then?"
"At least twice a month," Spike answered. "You'd be surprised how many times this town gets attacked by parasprites, or bugbears, or magic-stealing centaurs."
My eyes snapped to look at Spike. "Did you say bugbears?"
"Sure," he said with a shrug. "Giant bears with six legs and a wasp stinger. What did you think I meant?"
I blinked. I should have expected that, but somehow I didn't. "Uh, nothing. What's a parasprite?"
"Little bug-like creatures that can multiply themselves," Twilight explained. Her horn glowed, and with a flash, a notepad floated in front of me, showing a doodle of some kind of circular creature with wings and big buggy eyes. "Don't be fooled by how cute they look, they'll devour any material they can reach."
"Like some kind of evil moth?" I guessed.
"Sort of. They also have an affinity for polka music, which Pinkie Pie used to lure a whole swarm of them out of town."
"Whoa, slow down," I said, raising a hoof and quickly putting it back down so I didn't faceplant. "Did you say they like polka?"
"Yeah, we don't get it either," Spike said as the notepad vanished. "But it worked, so, y'know."

As we reached the edge of the town proper, I fought the urge to ask where they kept the giant snakes with chicken heads.

We walked down a path toward some grassy plains, and we came up to a building. It was very purple and built into some hills, surrounded by a moat. Like the world's smallest and most fashionable castle. The waterfalls, bridge and stepping stones were a nice touch, I had to admit.

"Here we are," said Twilight, puffing out her chest. "Welcome to the School of Friendship."
I furrowed my brow. Had I heard that name before somewhere? "School of Friendship? What's it for?"
"Why, to teach the magic of friendship to every creature in Equestria! Maybe even beyond, too."
"You need an entire school for that?" I asked, tilting my head.
"You'd be surprised how many ways there are to make friends and bond with them, and how much work goes into it."
I recalled how my ways of bonding with Ponies here involved getting drunk, falling on my face, lugging literal tons of fabric and getting trampled by long-eared demons. "Fair enough."
"Anyway, you're going to love it," Twilight went on, leading me toward the bridge.
"You sound pretty happy with the place," I noted. "Were you a student here?"
"Close," she smiled. "I founded the School, and I was the first Headmare!"
I'd say that wasn't really too close to 'student' personally. "Headmare? So you ran the place?"
"Right," she confirmed with a nod. "But I stepped down to focus on my duties as a Princess, so I passed on the position to my protégé."
I couldn't help but notice the pride in her voice. "Your protégé?"
"I'll take you to meet her first," she decided, leading me across the bridge toward the entrance. "I think you'll like her."

Her horn glowed, and the doors glowed purple as they opened inward. I was expecting groups of young Ponies walking around holding books and, well, there were some around here. I saw Ponies, some dragons bigger than Spike (which I figured wise not to bring up), Ponies that looked a bit like dragons, Ponies with wings and beaks, some beefy yak-looking creatures, some bug-looking Ponies and I swear I saw a griffon swoop over my head.
"I... guess this is what you meant by every creature?" I muttered.
"That's right!" Twilight raised her chin with a smile. "Our goal is to share the magic of friendship across Equestria, so we can promote peace between all races. That's why we have the likes of griffons, dragons, hippogriffs, changelings, yaks and kirin to mingle with each other, as well as with us Ponies!"
So those were yaks. The ones from my world were already big, but these ones were huge. It was honestly a bit intimidating, but I tried not to show it.
"I plan to bring in creatures outside of Equestria too," Twilight went on as we walked down a corridor. "I'd love for us to establish proper relations with Zebrica and Abyssinia."

Zebrica and Abyssinia... I mulled over those names for a moment. I figured the former was to do with zebras. I wasn't sure what Abyssinia could be about, but for some reason, cats came to mind.

We came up to a door and Twilight politely rapped her hoof against it. Nice to see the founder and ex-Headmare wasn't one to throw her weight around.
"Come in," a woman's voice said from inside. Or a mare's voice, I guess. This Pony terminology was going to take some getting used to.
We walked into the office. More purple. Either a theming choice, or Twilight had more of an ego than she let on. Behind the desk sat a lilac Unicorn mare, a minty streak through her curly dark purple mane, wearing a magenta blazer (How much purple does this place need? I thought). On her left was a thankfully much less purple Unicorn stallion. Yellow with a frizzy orange mane, wearing round glasses and a blue robe with stars on it. He really struck me as the 'important wizard' type. That was a sharp goatee too. To her right was another Unicorn mare, this one light blue with a curly white mane. The glint in her purple eyes told me she couldn't wait to tell me who she was.

"Oh, Twilight," the lilac one said, smiling ear-to-ear. "Welcome! Who's that with you?"
"This is Sharp Sight," said Twilight, looking to me. "I'm just showing him how things work around here."
"Huh?" she tilted her head.
"Remember that experiment I told you about?" Twilight muttered. "Well... let's just say I got a result." She nodded toward me.
"It's okay," I said. "You can say you plucked me out of my world into yours. It's not really a touchy subject for me."
"I, uh," Twilight stammered, then slumped. "Yeah, more or less. By accident, of course!"
"So your dimensional travel experiment worked?" the lilac one said, getting up and walking around her desk toward me. Her bodyguards(?) followed suit. "Well, welcome to Equestria, Sharp Sight. My name's Starlight Glimmer, the Headmare of the school."
I nonchalantly raised a hoof. "Sup."
"This is Sunburst, the Vice-Headmare," she said, pointing to the frizzy stallion.
"Well, I like to say Vice-Principal," Sunburst said, adjusting his glasses, "but nonetheless, good to meet somepony from another world."
"Same to you," I said with a curt nod.
"And this is--"
"And I am," the blue Unicorn declared, puffing out her chest so hard it almost popped off her body, "The Great, and Powerful, Trrrrrrrrixie! The humblest, most caring and understanding school counsellor you've ever seen!"
I half-expected confetti cannons to go off after that big introduction. The smiles and rolls of eyes from the others said this was normal.

Then it hit me. Trixie. That name definitely stood out. It was certainly no combination of cute, smile-inducing things. No, it was a human name. I'd definitely heard it before. Was I not the first victim of Twilight's science experiment? Had she brought Trixie over from my world and forced her to just make the most of it? Did she not think I'd want to know that there was another in my situation? Were we both being played in this?

"Um, Sharp Sight?" Starlight's voice derailed my train of panicked thought. "Are you alright? You're... kinda staring at Trixie."
"Um, yeah," I muttered, clearing my throat. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, didn't mean to stare."
"I don't mind," said Trixie, grinning. "It's been a while since my last show, so I've started to miss all the admiring looks."
"I know what you're thinking, Sharp," Twilight interjected, "and no, Trixie isn't from your world. I've known her for a long time."
Trixie nodded, still beaming. "To be the best magician-slash-school counsellor in Equestria, it helps to have been born there."
"Magician?" I repeated. "Like sawing Ponies in half and stuff?"
"Oh, nothing so... trivial anymore," Trixie scoffed, waving a dismissive hoof. "Thanks to my lovely assistant-slash-boss-slash-best friend here, my magic has been evolving, in more ways than one."
Starlight's cheeks turned rosy as Trixie put that hoof around her. "All I did was show you some easy spells. You really took off on your own."

I noted Trixie's mention of Starlight being her assistant, and I suddenly imagined this Headmare wearing fishnets. My brain must have been easing into my new equine instincts, because I didn't find the mental image all that unappealing. Then I wondered if she wore them to all four legs or just the back two.

I looked at Sunburst and decided to put a pin on that line of thought. This was my first chance to actually talk to another guy Pony, and I didn't want to waste it.
"So, Sunburst," I began, "what's your story?"
"Oh, there's not much to tell," said Sunburst, shrugging. "I'm Vice-Principal here, as well as a magic researcher. Oh, and Starlight's boyfriend." He added, smiling sheepishly.
I would have questioned why he would have added something like that last, but the look in his and Starlight's eyes when she nuzzled up to him told me all was well. I was certainly no expert on romance - Drunk Sharp was the Pony to ask there - but I certainly sensed no ill-will in either of them. Sunburst must have just been new to this whole 'relationship' thing. Hopefully he lasts longer with her than I did with whatsherface.
"Oh, thank you for reminding me," Trixie piped up. "The Great and Powerful Trrrrrrrixie is also Equestria's greatest wingpony!"
"Yup, you gesture and hold up cue cards in the bushes like nopony else, Trixie," Starlight teased.
Trixie shrugged. "It worked, didn't it?"

Twilight smiled and stepped forward. "Anyway, now that the introductions are out of the way, would you mind if I showed Sharp Sight around, Starlight?"
"Not at all," Starlight answered. "I was just about to head to my own class. Though, try not to interrupt anyone."
"Wouldn't dream of it," the Princess assured her.
"I wasn't talking to you," she said, giving me a cheeky wink.

Twilight and I said our goodbyes to the three Unicorns, and she started leading me down a corridor. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone passing by, mostly due to me looking too old to be a student. Thankfully, most of the attention was drawn to the Princess casually walking down the hallway.
"I'd love to say the School started without a hitch, but we did have some hiccups," she explained. "I've butted heads with Chancellor Neighsay more times than I'd like to admit."
"Sounds like a real hardflank," I remarked. The strange portmanteau felt oddly natural coming out of my mouth.
"Well, at the time, he was," said Twilight, biting her lip for a moment. "See, Chancellor Neighsay is the head of the Equestria Education Association--EEA, for short."
"So the school board?"
"Pretty much. He was against me opening the School for all creatures, not just Ponies. He believed that because we'd been threatened by the likes of dragons, changelings and yaks before, opening the school and inviting their kind in would just breed even more tension."
Now that was a surprise. I had no idea prejudice could even be a concept in a place like this, let alone invoked by Twilight's own kin.
"Is that not something that happens where you come from?" she asked, noting the shock on my face.
"Actually, it's more common there than I'd like to admit," I said. "I just didn't think it'd be possible in such a cheery-looking place."
"Well, recently he's changed his mind about it."
"What happened?"
Twilight stopped for a moment, looking down at her hooves. "That's... a long story. I'll tell you about it some other time." She fixed me with another smile. "For now, though, let me show you around."
I raised an eyebrow. I was not going to let something as ominous as that go, but I figured it wasn't a pressing matter for the moment. "Yeah, I wanna see what this place is about."

I was soon convinced that this wasn't some kind of prissy, old-timey school with chalkboards, wooden chairs and ruler-smacking. Each class I was taken to, I was surprised to see I recognised the teacher.

Rarity greeted us with a wave when we poked our heads into the Generosity classroom, which had some comfy sofas set around a small podium, Rarity standing there with a mannequin as she went on about the importance of matching the right type of hat with the right colour dress. Naturally, everything she was saying flew over my head.

Fluttershy's Kindness class made a lot more sense to me; all the pens and mouse tunnels around the room meant the goal was to show kindness to animals. The current class was focused on what Fluttershy called a winterchilla; I wasn't sure if I wanted to know why the one on her hooves looked like this cute little cloud with a head, and on the board was a drawing of it looking like some kind of big, demonic beaver.

Pinkie Pie was teaching what Twilight called a Laughter class, giving us a wave so hard I thought her leg was going to fly out the window. The room was decked out like it was someone's birthday party, pretty fitting from what I've gathered. I didn't get it at first; how do you teach someone to laugh? Pinkie somehow managed to not speak at two-hundred miles per hour as she explained the nuances of comedic timing, which concluded with her splatting herself in the face with a cream pie. The class exploding into laughter, Twilight snickering into her hoof, and me letting out a snort made it all clear.

Starlight's class was one I was particuarly curious about. It wasn't every day a school had its principal teach classes, but there she was, teleporting around the room, cloning herself and rushing past us so quickly my unkempt mane became notably more unkempt than usual. Fittingly this was the Magic class, which Twilight used to teach according to her muttering. The stairs and seats descending to the teaching board reminded me a lot of the exam hall in my old college, minus the astronomical (I assume they were, at least) spheres hanging from the ceiling.

A look in the Loyalty classroom made me wonder if Equestria had different sports than back home. The floor was marked out like a basketball court, but the hoops were hanging vertically from the ceiling, and I had no idea what the buckets were for. Maybe in case one of the aerodynamically inclined made themselves too dizzy? Rainbow Dash, the multicolour-headed Pegasus, acted more like a coach than a teacher, and she and I locked eyes and gave each other the "Do I know you from somewhere?" squint more than once.

Applejack's classroom was like a massive barn converted into a toolshed that remembered at the last minute that it was supposed to be a classroom. She flashed me a knowing smile as she walked around the students working in groups on some kind of woodshop project. I couldn't make out what they were building, but I safely assumed it was to do with apples. I didn't know what any of it had to do with Honesty, but I figured I'd already been a big enough hinderance to Applejack by showing up on her property and asking her to teach me how to walk, so I didn't think it'd be fair to question her about her business. That, and I didn't like the look she gave me when I went to take an apple off the tree without asking.

Twilight concluded her tour by leading me out of the library into the middle of the courtyard, crossing a bridge onto a platform on a lake, the fountain proudly spraying in the centre.

"So, Sharp Sight," she said, both of us stopping at the fountain, "what do you think of the School?"
"Honestly?" I said. "I think I would've actually wanted to go to school if this is what it was like."
"Glad you approve," she chuckled, smiling widely. "I think it's one of my greatest achievements. Second only to my coronation. Ooh, I should make a list!" She pattered on her hooves.
"Coronation?" I repeated. "What's that like? Coronation for a Princess of Friendship? I imagine there's a lot of hugging and kissing babies?"
Twilight froze and turned to look at me. "Oh, um, not that coronation. That one was important and all, but--"
"So you're, like, a double Princess?"
"Well, um... yes."
I cocked an eyebrow. "Say what now?"

Twilight took a deep breath. "Sharp Sight, I have more to tell you," she said, her voice a lot more serious.
My ears drooped. "I didn't get somepony pregnant last night, did I?" I asked, then my eyes widened with terror. "I didn't get you pregnant, did I?!"
"No! Oh Celestia, no!" Twilight yelped, waving her front hooves. "Nothing like that! It's just... I've got more about your situation to tell you. And about myself."
"You're not withholding info on me, are you?" I asked, a bit more sternly than I probably should have, considering this was a Princess I was talking to.
"I thought it'd be best if I told you everything in chunks," she explained. "To let you settle in before I give you the full story. I didn't think you'd take it well if I told you everything right off the bat."
"Twilight, in the last day, I've survived falling into a new world I knew nothing about, falling on my face a dozen times, far more judgemental stares than one should get in a lifetime, a small mountain of clothing strapped to my back, trampling via long-eared demons, an impromptu house party and drunkenly hitting on a member of royalty without getting arrested." I took a step forward. "Try me."

Twilight stammered, but came out with a defeated sigh instead of a counterargument. I fought the urge to smirk.
"If you insist," she said, her horn starting to glow. "It'll help if I show you as well. Have you ever been teleported before?"
"Apart from when you did it?" I shrugged. "Nope."
"So not while conscious then. Try your best not to throw up."

For a moment, all was white.

8 - Confess, Princess

I was lucky Twilight was quick on the draw, because I really needed that bucket.

"I haven't even eaten yet," I panted, wiping my face on my leg. "WHAT AM I THROWING UP?!"
"Teleportation nausea," Twilight explained. "It's mostly common in Earth Ponies, for some reason. You start getting used to it after about the third time or so."
"I hope so. That trip did not agree with me."
"Are you feeling alright now?"
"Y-yeah, I think I'm--wait!" I shoved my face back into the bucket, my heaving likely loud enough to be heard from space. After about half a minute of that, I reemerged. "Yeah, I'm good."

Twilight's horn glowed and the bucket vanished. I liked to think it had just dematerialised from reality, but the rational part of me knew some poor so-and-so was about to receive a bucket of bile. Well, it'd spice up their day, if nothing else.

"Now then," Twilight said, taking the opportunity to talk while I was busy catching my breath. "This is my new office, so to speak."

I took a look around. The room was mostly a very light blue, with some purple drapes. A throne stood at the top of a podium, which had little streams of water trickling down both sides of the carpet leading up there from the door. The stained glass windows caught my eye next, primarily the ones of Twilight looking quite majestic, and of a trio of grumpy-looking characters getting zapped by orbs with... familiar-looking symbols in them.

"Twilight," I finally said, "what're you trying to tell me here?"
"That I'm not just the Princess of Friendship, Sharp Sight," Twilight said evenly. "Recently, I've also become the Princess of Equestria itself."
"Hah?" I blurted. "As in, the whole nation? You're running the whole show?"
"As of a few months ago, yes." She held a glint of humour on her face. "I can see you're shocked--I told you it'd be best to tell you everything bit by bit."
"Should I bow?" I asked. "For the 'Equestria' Princess part?"
"I think we're past that," she giggled. "Anyway, I took over from Princess Celestia and Luna some months ago. While settling in, I came across some scrolls and tomes left behind by Star Swirl the Bearded. That's how I jumpstarted that project I told you about."
I nodded, recalling how lost I was at the time. I did recall a beard being mentioned, though.
"Wait," I said, holding up a hoof, "so you have two castles? One for each Princess job?"
Twilight shook her head. "Oh, no. The castle in Ponyville used to be mine, but I gave it to Starlight after my coronation. My, uh, 'Equestria' coronation, I mean. I lent her a lot of my study material, hence why I was there." She waved a hoof to emphasise what I figured was the throne room. "This castle is officially mine. You might have seen it down in Ponyville? On the side of the mountain."

I furrowed my brow. Thinking about it, I never actually looked any further than what was ahead of me on the street back there. The thought of a castle on the side of a mountain never occurred to me, but it didn't surprise me either.

"I was... preoccupied," I said with a shrug.
"Have a look for it when you go home, then," Twilight said, unfettered. "Oh, you should have a tour of Canterlot, too. That's where we are right now--it's sort of the capital of Equestria. Don't worry about the city being mostly full of Unicorns, nopony will take a second glance at you since we started getting all kinds of creatures visiting."
"Unless I'm hanging out with a member of royalty," I pointed out, recalling what happened back in Ponyville.
"Fair point," she admitted. "Still, have a look around the town when you can. There's a lovely place on Restaurant Row called The Tasty Treat, you've gotta try it."
"I just might," I said, looking back at my saddlebags. Just as well I kept my bits inside instead of leaving them at my house with no locks like a sane Pony would do. A whole street dedicated to eateries definitely sounded up my alley.

Hah. Street. Alley. I'm funny.

"I'm sure you've got a lot of questions," Twilight spoke up, snapping me out of it.
"Umm," I muttered, biting my lip. Did I have any questions? Twilight more or less answered everything back in Ponyville. "I guess I never really pegged you as the leader of a nation."
"I've been getting that a lot lately," Twilight said with a smile. "I haven't exactly grown into the position yet--in both ways."
I raised an eyebrow. "Both ways?"
"Oh, I should take you to meet Celestia and Luna sometime," Twilight offered. "I think you'd like them. Oh, and you should visit the Crystal Empire as well. My brother's the Prince there, y'know."
"I didn't know, actually." My eyes widened in surprise. "Are your parents a king and queen someplace?"
"Oh, no, it's just me and Shining Armour," Twilight admitted. "Equestria doesn't really do kings and queens--one of each tried to destroy it a few times. In other timelines, they succeeded."
"Wait, 'other timelines'?" I repeated. "So you're a time traveler as well?"
That got a snort out of her. "I've dabbled. You wouldn't believe how much as happened to me since I became the Element of Magic."
"I dunno," I said, shrugging. "At this point, I think I'd believe anything."
Twilight smiled, a bit fondly I thought. "That's a good attitude to have. In Equestria, the best way to survive is to expect anything to happen anytime. Ponyville's kind of a hotbed for weirdness, I've found."
"Glad to know I picked a location where the action is."
"No kidding," Twilight laughed. "Take it from me, you've got a front-row seat!"

I let myself chuckle, and I realised something. I was with the Princess of Equestria, the leader of the entire nation, in her throne room, and we were chatting it up like a couple of noponies in a coffee shop. I could believe she wasn't born into royalty, with how humble she was.

Suddenly, Twilight's face turned somber. "I'm... I'm sorry, Sharp Sight."
I tilted my head a bit. "Huh?"
"For dragging you into this. My little experiment is the reason you're here, and might be stuck here for some time." She looked down at her hooves. "It's my fault, and I'll do whatever I can to set things right."
"Hey, c'mon," I said, craning my neck down to meet her gaze. "I don't blame you. Sure, I was a little upset at first, but it's not like you were trying to pluck me out of my world, right? Besides, like I told you, I don't exactly have much waiting for me back there, so I can wait."
Twilight glanced back up at me, still looking regretful. "Well, I certainly wasn't trying to take anypony. I'll look into why that happened as well--it certainly wasn't supposed to. But, with all my new duties..."
"Don't go out of your way for just me," I said. "You've got a whole nation to run. Take care of all your people--uh, Ponies--not just one."

She swallowed and took a breath before looking up at me. I spotted a tear trickling down her face, but she was smiling. "I don't think you'd need my school--you're already such a good Pony, Sharp Sight."
Crap. A nice, unbackhanded compliment. How was I supposed to take that? "Well, I'm sure you'll teach me a few things anyway, Princess."

Yeesh, this is schmaltzy. Nice and wholesome, but schmaltzy.

Twilight took another deep breath and shook herself out. "Anyway! I'm glad you're being so understanding, that'll make things a whole lot easier. I do have duties as a Princess to take care of, but I'll certainly make time for getting you home."
"Like I said, no rush," I assured her. "I mean, I have to visit all these places you're telling me about, right?"
She grinned. "That's true! I'd love for you to see all of Equestria while you're here. In the meantime, if there's anything at all you need, my doors are always open to you. You can always ask my friends back in Ponyville too--Rarity and Fluttershy told me about how you helped them, and Pinkie seems to like you. Then again, Pinkie likes everypony, but it'd be a problem if she didn't like you." She giggled.

I could only wonder what Applejack told her about me. Though, since Twilight didn't seem upset at all, I figured she either had nice things to say, or nothing at all. I wasn't sure which was better.

"I probably should start making my own friends," I suggested. "Instead of piggybacking from your friends list."
"My friends list isn't exactly restricted," Twilight smiled, "but making your own friends is always a good idea. Life is always easier with somepony having your back, right?"
"Honestly, I'll need somepony at my back, my front and my sides."

Twilight giggled. I'm pretty sure making a princess laugh is good luck in some cultures. That or a marriage proposal.

"Well, naturally, I'd say Ponyville is the place to start making friends," she explained. "It'll be easy since, well, you live there for now. But you must have a look around Canterlot while you're here. If you need directions, the guards know the city like the back of their hooves."
I looked at my own hoof, and couldn't help but wonder if the expression lost a bit of meaning in this world. I wasn't about to question her about it though; I was sure she had better things to do than discuss analogies. Though, with her love of books, discussing analogies could likely be near the top of the list.
"Might as well," I said. "It'll do me some good to get a lay of the land. Could grab a coffee or something."
She leaned forward. "Between you and me," she whispered, "the coffee on Restaurant Row is a bit on the pricey side. Stick to the little cafés on the main street."
"Noted."
"And like I said, my doors are always open to you, Sharp Sight." She grinned. "Figuratively and literally--I've started letting tourists walk the grounds. No point in keeping it all locked away, right?"
"That's some serious trust," I pointed out. "You're not afraid someone will take advantage?"
"I've taken on magic-sucking Centaurs, Changeling hordes and proper demons. I think I can handle someone trying to make off with an expensive vase."
I shrugged. "Fair enough. You must be a serious superhero, huh?"
Twilight's purple cheeks flushed pink. "My friends and I do our fair share of protecting Equestria, but I don't think we'd call ourselves superheroes. Well, Rainbow Dash might."

Rainbow Dash. She seemed very familiar. I'm almost a hundred percent certain I walked into her at that party. She sounded like a good time.

"Well, you're doing a super job regardless," I said with a smile.

Oh good lord, Sharp. Melt that and put it all over your pizza.

"Thanks, Sharp," Twilight said, beaming. "We'll do our best, that's for sure."
"Good to hear. Anyway, I'm sure you've got plenty to do, and I'd love to see what this city's like, so..." I trailed off, edging toward the door. Not that I didn't like Twilight; all this talking was making my throat dry up. I wasn't kidding about that coffee.
"Oh, of course." Twilight nodded and gestured to a guard. "Could you escort Sharp Sight to the gates, please?" The buff Pegasus by the door nodded and marched out to the hallway.
I blinked. Why did I suddenly need an escort? I was a grown Pony, right? "I'm not gonna be the one making off with an expensive vase, Twilight."
"It's so you don't get lost," Twilight said flatly.
My cheeks flushed a little. "Oh, uh, I knew that."

Twilight and I bid each other farewell and I followed the guard to the entrance, getting a look around. It definitely looked and felt like a castle from the inside, with all the expensive paintings and decorations. I made a mental note to have a look at the exterior and see if it was as shiny as the castle in Ponyville. If it was really hanging from the side of a mountain, I definitely expected something grandiose.

Don't disappoint me, castle.

"And here we are," the guard said, the two of us standing at the front doors of the castle. At least, I assumed the street and the hundreds of Ponies walking on it weren't part of the castle grounds. "The gardens are back inside if you want to visit them at anytime; just follow the signs."
"Will do," I said. "Think I'll check out the town first--see if I can get a camera or something."

I wondered if Ponies knew what cameras were as I thanked the guard and went on my way into Canterlot. Judging by his lack of strange expression, I figured cameras were a thing here. Or he just wasn't listening.

I suddenly got this weird feeling and I looked over my shoulder.

Is someone watching me?

9 - Lifestyles of the Rich and the Magical

As it turned out, Ponies do know what a camera is. I picked one up at the Canterlot Tourism Centre, along with a few brochures. Thank Pony-God they each came with a map, or I'd be wearing on the guards' nerves pretty quick. Or getting mugged down a creepy alley. Or both, somehow.

I spotted a café and picked up a coffee, sipping it as I perused a map of the city splayed out on the table. I'd walked in a straight line since leaving the castle, so I was certain I was on the main street. Restaurant Row wasn't far away, and if what Twilight told me about the bearded Pony was right, I assumed Star Swirl Street was dedicated to magical stuff. Though, the big building there marked as Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns was a big clue.
I made a mental note to check both out at some point--I wanted to see what Equestria classed as five-star cuisine (well, three-hoof, according to the brochure), as well as what mystical mumbo-jumbo some weirdo in a back-alley shop might be peddling. Satisfied with the routes planned out in my head, I folded the brochure back up and stuck it in my bag. I made a note of landmarks around the city as well, to take pictures of. What kind of self-respecting tourist would I be if I wasn't taking dumb selfies in front of statues depicting notable figures?

I sat back in my chair and took a sip of my coffee as I started Pony-watching. The whole reason for dining al fresco is eavesdropping and disrespecting privacy, after all. True to Twilight's word, almost every other four-legged sentient being around me sported a horn on their forehead. Some of them were sat at the same café, using their magic to lift their mugs to their lips while my hooves shook trying to do the same. From the looks I got from some of them, they probably thought I was some kind of neanderthal.

Clearly I was playing Pony Life on hard mode.

Eventually, I finished my last mouthful of coffee. Dang, these ponies could make a mean mocaccino. I'd been watching the local creatures milling around, and it gave me some perspective. Slowly but surely, I came to realise that these Ponies had a society that wasn't unlike where I came from. They put hay in sandwiches instead of plucking flowers off the ground. They drank water, but out of glasses instead of rivers or troughs. They've actually established their own society, with leadership and currency. Back in my old world, the most impressive thing a horse could do was run an obstacle course really fast.

It wasn't the ability to fly or lift things wth their mind that intrigued me about these Ponies. It was the fact they could emulate human culture, and dare I say do it better than them. Sure, it wasn't perfect from what Twilight had told me, but I certainly hadn't heard of any wars going on.

Looks like opposable thumbs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Feeling refreshed, I decided it was time to go do some exploring. I was in a strange place with a loaded camera, and the urge to take stupid pictures of my stupid face was too strong to ignore. Maybe I'd be able to do that thing where I get a perfectly-timed shot of myself getting punched in the face after annoying someone? For some reason, I've sorta always wanted to do that. It'd make an interesting story. Or at least a funny one, at my expense.

Gotta laugh at yourself, right?

Soon I was trailing behind a small group, led by a Unicorn mare wearing a polo shirt aptly labelled Tour Guide. Shortly into my photo spree, I'd found myself back at the Tourism Centre where this group was huddling together for a walk around Canterlot. Tour groups were invented for putting private lives on display, so I tagged along to indulge. Plus, I'd have somepony to take responsibility if I ended up in trouble. And the two most important things you need when visiting abroad are a scapegoat when you commit a local taboo and a way to ask where the bathroom is.

With my brochure and the tour guide doing her best not to sound like a robot to help me, I followed my fellow clueless visitors around Canterlot. I was happy to start snapping pictures when I wasn't the first to do it. It started with Restaurant Row, where my hopes were quickly dashed. I expected a long line of delicious eateries all lobbying for my money, but a few glances through a few windows left me deflated. I couldn't imagine the mental gymnastics involved in order to convince anypony that those portions that looked barely able to sustain a gnat could be classified as meals. And even then, I could taste the bland lettuce and tofu through the glass. No thank you.

Though, I did catch a refreshing whiff of mixed spices coming from the end of a small alley. An orange building that definitely stood out from the grey and white, called The Tasty Treat. The tour guide mentioned that it was not only the only restaurant in Canterlot with a zero-hoof rating, which should at least render the place condemned, but it was also one of the most popular restaurants in town. I made a mental note to stop by before I headed back to Ponyville.

Naturally, I checked a box off the "Jerk Tourist" list and snapped a selfie of me making an obnoxious face next to a random guard. He didn't react, but I was getting that "I swear, if you're still around when my shift's over..." vibe from him. Surely being annoying to the local law enforcement wasn't an arrestable offence. Right?

Right?

"And here," the guide said, waving her hoof toward a building, "we have Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Named for its founder many centuries ago, Princess Celestia was once Headmare before her duties passed onto Princess Twilight Sparkle."

Something about that didn't sound right. Twilight inherited the throne and school from Celestia, and the school was opened hundreds of years ago? Just how old was she? Or were we simple-minded shutterbugs simply being taken for a ride?

As the name suggested, some Unicorns were milling around outside in the courtyard. Some had their noses buried in big books, others were lighting up their horns and sending waves of colourful light through the air like it was going out of fashion. Mostly to impress each other, given the clapping of hooves and shows of one-upsmanship among small groups of them. I spotted one firing a magical blast at his apple and turn it into an alarm clock. I couldn't make a comment, given how that would likely be my go-to if I were capable of such a thing. Which, as far as I knew, I wasn't.

"Almost makes you wish you had a horn yourself, huh?" a winged mare asked next to me.
"I'd likely end up opening the gates to the underworld or something," I half-joked.
"I wouldn't worry," she giggled. "From what I've heard, it wouldn't be the first time that's happened."

Wait, what?

I blinked and looked at her. "Come again?"
"I heard talk that the gates of Tartarus were opened some time ago. Apparently, it's how Lord Tirek escaped."
"Lord Who-Now?"
"Lord Tirek," she repeated, showing me a picture in her guidebook. "He could, and did, suck the magic out of everypony in Equestria."

I took a look at the Lord in question. A huge Centaur with flowing white hair, and arms a torso that made me immediately picture him tearing a giant tree out of the ground and suplexing it.

"Wait, you said everypony," I pointed out. "As in, not just Unicorns?"
"Yup, Earth Ponies and Pegasi have magic too," she said, proudly flexing her wings. "It's how we Pegasi can fly and control the weather, after all."

I stopped myself from questioning that 'control the weather' thing. She said it like it was common knowledge, and bringing up how I knew nothing about it would surely raise some red flags I didn't feel like dealing with. Instead, I took a look at myself. If this mare was implying what I thought she was, even though I couldn't cast spells or fly, I still had some kind of magic. What I could do with it was a whole other matter, if I truly had any to begin with.

Then it hit me. Twilight. She was big on this magic stuff. If anypony could confirm or deny my being more than just a talking four-legged creature with a weird tattoo, it was her. Well, I was more than that, but you know what I mean.

I made a mental note to ask her about it the next time I saw her. I was sure she would be too busy princessing to teach me what was probably kindergarten stuff at the moment. So I put my existentialism to the side for the time being and went back to being a weird tourist.

We carried on toward the rich side of town. Well, that wasn't to say most of the places in this city weren't stupid expensive, but this was where the rich Ponies played. Unicorns in suits, dresses and all other manners of fancy clothing strutted along like their farts didn't stink, and some made it their purpose in life to avoid acknowledging that our little tour group existed. I heard murmurngs of "Commoners" and "Poor creatures", and I could swear one stallion with a sweater tied around his shoulders called me a "Dirt Pony" under his breath to his (trophy?) wife. I didn't know if it was an insult or not, but the way he said it filled me with an urge to do something to him that would result in his having his pince-nez surgically removed from his backside. The presence of law enforcement stopped that plan, so I settled for a sneer of my own back at him.

I'll be poor just to spite you, Mr. Trust Fund.

I peered through some shop windows, and couldn't believe the prices. One painting cost more than the mortgage on my house. At least Canterlot Carousel was a bit more reasonable. Still pricy, but you didn't need to see a loan shark or sell some organs to buy a jacket from there. Plus, I wasn't an expert on fashion, but the outfits in the window sure looked worth the bits.

I furrowed my brow. Canterlot Carousel was a name that rang a bell. I wondered if Rarity was involved with the place. Was she the owner of a clothing chain across Equestria? The trendsetting head of a fashion empire?

And she furnished some random shmuck's home in return for a bit of manual labour? Man, that is generous. Or it could be her way of keeping me in her back pocket for when she needs some concrete socks delivered halfway across the planet or something.

The last stop on the tour was Canterlot Castle. Many of the tourists had been looking forward to it, but it didn't hit me quite as hard. As impressive as the architecture was from out front, it was slightly mulled by the fact that the first thing I did when I got to Canterlot was throw up in front of the nation's leader.

Now that'd be a souvenir. "I puked in front of Princess Twilight and all I got was this crummy T-shirt."

The group travelled through the main foyer and out the back to the gardens. A lot of marble statues adjorned the path, depicting different important figures in Equestria's history. One that stood out to me was of Discord, who was poised like he was about to begin a song number. The plaque in front of it said it was the pose he was petrified in by the Royal Sisters, who brought an end to the First Reign of Chaos. He escaped many decades later, and was thwarted during the shorter-lived Second Reign of Chaos. He'd since become an ally of Equestra, albeit an unpredictable and often aloof one, though he agreed to pose for another statue, for posterity.

"Lovely, isn't it?" My heart nearly leapt out of my mouth when Discord's voice popped up in my ear, and I turned to see the... uh...

"Draconequus," he said, suddenly producing a book with the name and a crude sketch of himself.

Yeah, that. He was suddenly looming behind me.

"You look spooked, Sharpy," Discord went on, sending the book into thin air with a snap of his fingers. "Am I that scary?"
"Oh, uh, not really," I said, swallowing as my heartbeat slowly lowered from 'hummingbird wing' level. "I just didn't hear you coming."
Discord's long face stretched from his proud smirk. "Ahh, my stealth buff is paying off."
I blinked. "Stealth buff?"
"Oh, just a little Ogres and Oubliettes jargon," he said, waving his talons dismissively. "Oh, why don't you come to the Castle for a game one night?"

From takng a moment to pick out keywords, I figured he was talking about a tabletop board game. I dabbled in a few back in my old world, but I wasn't the hugest fan. Mostly because of all the numbers involved. Maybe it'd be different here, more exciting. But man, this place had an answer to everything.

"I'll think about it," I told him. "So what're you doing here? Just admiring your work over there?"
"That's the third reason," he answered, producing a large magnifying glass and pressing it against my temple. "The second one is I wanted to keep an eye on you and make sure nothing untoward or otherworldly was going on."
"I'm, uh, not trying to take over Equestra, if that's what you're worried about."
Discord scoffed and waved his paw. "Oh no, you're far too jumpy to be a villain. And you still really have no idea where you are, do you?"
"Nope," I admitted. "I'm more interested in surviving this place than conquering it."
"Oh, I'm not big on the whole 'conquering' thing anymore myself," Discord said. "Lost its luster after I started making friends. It turns out these Ponies are real characters when you get to know them."
"You're telling me. So, what's the first reason?"
Discord's eyes shifted. "The what-now?"
"You told me your second and third reasons for giving me a heart attack. What's your, uh, main quest?"
"Ooh! Already getting in the Ogres and Oubliettes spirit." Discord gave me a more genuine smile. I think. "I like it! So I'll tell you. I wanted to... uhh... you know... that thing you do when you're... not a hundred percent correct about someone's intentions and so you don't behave accordingly."
I tilted my head and stared at his strained face until I caught on. "You want to apologise for threatening to hurt me?"
"Yes, that!" He snapped his fingers and a square graduation cap flopped on my head. "You are a smart cookie! I'm still getting used to the whole 'friendship' thing, and maybe I'm just a teeny little bit protective of Fluttershy. She's been a dear friend to me, despite my... missteps. And her friends have all been rather patient with me and my well-meaning mistakes. Very well-meaning, I must stress."

I lifted the cap off my head and looked up at Discord. I realised I was once again taking all his rambling surprisingly well. Was I already getting used to him? Or was I just glad the omnipresent reality warper didn't have me on his hitlist anymore? Probably the latter.

"In hindsight," he went on, "I suppose my theory of you being some kind of alien in disguise trying to whisk Fluttershy away to your own dimension was a little farfetched."
I raised my eyebrow, which I was getting quite good at despite it not being my special talent. "That is a little out there, yeah. Well, I am technically an alien, but--"
"Oh, I don't blame you for leaving your own world," he interrupted. "I took a look at it while you were on your tour of Canterlot. Yuck."
I snorted. "No kidding. You can see why I'm in no real hurry to get back."
"Oh, speaking of conquering Equestria," he said, looking like something just popped into his head, "would you like to see another little statue I was involved with?"
"Sure," I said with a shrug.

I watched as Discord snapped his talons, and a door appeared. He opened it and gestured for me to go in first. And never let it be said that I refused chivalrous gestures from eccentric reality warping creatures that would probably kill me if I did. I stepped inside and found myself in another part of the Royal Gardens, with Discord stepping through behind me.

It was indeed another statue, though this one wasn't nearly as... welcoming. It was of a tall, lanky Unicorn with insect-like wings throwing her Swiss-cheese legs ahead with her face frozen into a roar of pure hatred, her snake-like tongue waving. Behind her was a scrawny Centaur recoiling like he was getting hit by something. And on top was a small Pegasus holding her face with a look of fear.

"This here," Discord said, now sporting a tweed jacket and square glasses, "depicts the last time our land was under serious threat. Here we have Queen Chrysalis, a rather nasty Changeling; Cozy Glow, quite the precociously evil little filly; and Lord Tirek, quite an untrustworthy peace of work."
I noted the level of venom in his voice when talking about Tirek, who looked different from the guidebook, I noticed. "I thought he'd be... beefier?"
"Oh, his stolen magic was drained by then," Discord explained. "For the best, really. Anywho, these three had found the Bewitching Bell, a dangerous artifact that could steal and bestow magic to and from different creatures, and used it to give themselves unimaginable power. But good old Princess Twilight and her friends prevailed by uniting Equestria against them. With my help, of course."
I had to ask. "How did you help?"
"Oh, I posed as these three's leader and got them to work together and find the Bell so Twilight could feel like she was truly ready to lead Equestria by defeating a devastating threat."

The speed in which he said all that and the indescribable look on my face spoke volumes, I'm sure.

"I know, I know," Discord said, holding up his hands, "I admit I didn't think it through. But I only had good intentions."
His tone implied he'd already gotten the lecture, so I elected to spare him. I didn't have much authority to speak on it anyway, not being present at the time and all. So I took in the statue a little more.

A Changeling, a Centaur and a filly. A shapeshifter, a magic thief and a child. This place was really filled with all kinds, wasn't it? And if a villain could even be one of the 'good guys', so to speak...

"So, why show me this?" I asked. "I get this is an important bit of history, but why show a non-native to this world?"
"Well firstly, I thought it'd be some interesting lore," Discord said, shrugging. "Secondly, the statue was my idea. See? Good intentions."
"I believe you," I assured him. "Way to the underworld and all that."
"And thirdly," he went on, and I detected a hint of seriousness in his voice, "it's just to warn you that this place isn't exactly all sunshine and rainbows. These three attacked only a little while ago, and there's no telling when the next big villain will pop out of the woodwork. You might even get wrapped up in it, Sharpy."
"Huh? Why me?"
"Otherworldly secrets or some such? Who knows what some creatures are thinking. It's just to let you know danger might pop up in your face, but I'm sure you'll persevere. You Ponies always do."
"But I'm not a Pony." I looked at myself. "Well, I look like one, but... you know what I mean."
"You seem pretty comfortable in your own skin. Own it while you still have it, Sharpy old boy. You might even find yourself going native, if you haven't already."

The air felt thick and I could feel my pupils dilating. Why did everything suddenly get so ominous?

"But that's enough real talk!" Discord grinned, like he hadn't said anything at all. "You keep enjoying your time here in Equestria. Remember to check out the Tasty Treat, I've heard good things about it." He lifted the fur on his pawed arm, revealing a wristwatch. "As for me, I've got to get to Fluttershy's. Important teatime stuff, you understand."

He snapped his fingers and a little scooter appeared beside him. He hopped on and a helmet dropped from the sky, latching itself onto him.

"Uh, sure," I said, trying not to question why something from my world was here. "You two have fun."
"Oh, it's all we ever do!" Discord smiled, revving the engine. "Feel free to admire the statue some more. If you lean in closely, you can probably still hear them in there, arguing amongst themselves." And with a flash, he vanished.

"Excuse me what."

10 - I'm Yellin' Timberwolf

I had no idea why, but what Discord said before he left stuck with me. Well, it was more the way he said it that stuck with me. Y'know, when people say something that you think is a joke, then you laugh until you notice the look they're giving you and you're like "You're not joking, are you?"

But the thing was, I had no idea if he was joking or not. Though, I figured it was only fitting that someone named Discord was hard to read.

I even did what he said and leaned toward that mean-looking statue, ear focused on it. Thankfully, all I picked up were the tweeting birds, the clicking of cameras, and the chatter of passers-by.

I nodded, took a deep breath. Yeah, Discord was just messing with me. Equestria wasn't a paradise, but surely petrifying living beings--one of them a child by the looks of it--and putting them on display wasn't routine around here.

Right?

My worries put to bed, I decided to add to my portfolio of obnoxious selfies and snapped a picture of myself grimacing next to the statue. If these photos made it back to my old world, I'd have some real ways to remember my time as a Pony, in case it's one of those things where I lose my memories on the way back.

You mean if you made it back.

Yes. But I could at least enjoy myself until then.

After some more amusing (to myself, at least) selfies next to statues that probably meant a lot here, I decided to have a go at the hedge maze. That turned out to be the best suggestion of my life - I already had enough trouble navigating the wide public streets, nevermind an enclosed trail with a cubic buttload of dead ends. The noises I made as I was met with more and more walls of foliage could only be described as "intensifying."

Just as I was contemplating curling up into a ball and crying on the floor, a guard swooped over my head and navigated me out because the gardens were closing. Not that he had to know that a wall of leaves was about to make me have an emotional breakdown.

No one had to know that. It never happened. Shut up.

I was grateful the route from the gardens to the castle gate was more or less a straight line. The sun was starting to set as I headed onto the street, and I didn't really want to spend a night in the potentially haunted bowels of a castle. Or a potentially haunted hedge maze.

I headed toward Restaurant Row in search of that place I saw earlier. The Tasty Treat, right. It was easy to find, following the smell of spices to the little orange place with a cute elephant's head over the door. I stepped inside and was greeted by a friendly mare with wavy hair and an exotic accent named Saffron Masala. She showed me to my table, where I got to sit on a couch, and personally brought out the veggie tikka masala I ordered.

And honestly, it was the best thing I'd tasted since I got there. I ended up giving the sweet girl a tip along with the bill before heading out.

Feeling much better with a belly full of spiced carrots and onions and such, I followed a few signs and a few strangers out of town toward the train station. I wasn't sure why, but the thought of riding a proper steam train was really exciting. One of those things I'd never get to do back in the human world, with trains running on electricity. I paid my ticket and got a few weird looks when I snapped a picture of the train before getting onboard. I took a seat by the window and peered around the car. A small group of friends talking about their day, an elderly stallion hunkering down with a newspaper, and a mare sitting with her kid who was fighting a losing battle against falling asleep.

I heard the "All aboard!" from outside, followed by a shrill whistle, and the train gently jerked into motion. Now that I was finally settled down, I let out a quiet yawn into my hoof. The whole day had really been nonstop--learning that a magical scientist had plucked me into this world, said scientist turning out to be a school founder, then turning out to also be the leader of the realm. After I threw up in front of her. Wasn't going to forget that in a hurry. I don't think she was either. Then a big walking tour around the capital and a weird scare about a weird statue from a weirdly scary creature that looked like he walked out of a scifi novel. Then again, he probably did.

I looked out the window, getting a sweeping view of Equestria from the side of the mountain complimented by the sky starting to turn from an orange sunset to a dark blue night. I spotted a few Pegasi, griffins and dragons flying in the distance, and there were even a couple of airships. With these Ponies knowing about things like dirigibles, locomotion and dance music, I began to wonder.

I can't be the first human to come here, can I?

The sky was a dark navy blue by the time I stepped off the Ponyville train platform. The streets were illuminated by lampposts, flickering with what I first assumed were magical flames. Just because Ponies were capable of inventing zippos didn't necessarily mean they needed to.

After the day I'd had, I was eager to get home. Sure, it wasn't as physically demanding or mind scarring as the day before, but I was certain a major hangover followed by magical motion sickness would take it out of anypony.

Of course, that was the moment I realised that it was dark. It was dark and I didn't have a full lay of the land here yet. I had no idea which direction my house was, and I didn't particularly want to sleep under a bench.

Don't panic, Sharp. Your house is near the town square, right? So just head to the town square and see what happens.

After a deep breath and a silent thank you to the rational part of my brain, I ventured toward the middle of town. The signs certainly helped there, though I couldn't help but think I should ask the mayor to give me my own personal street signs guiding me to my house. I got here by complete accident, after all, so I had to be entitled to some form of compensation. Though, I did have a mortgage to clear up before I could worry about that.

I travelled down a broad street and crossed a little stone bridge that brought me to the town hall. I nodded to myself, knowing roughly which way to go from there. I couldn't wait to go home and get my first proper sleep since coming here. No hard drinking, no hangovers, just a good rest without any hassle.

I looked around, noting how nopony else was on the streets but me. Was there some kind of curfew? Or maybe word had gotten out that a human-turned-Pony was walking around so they were hiding in case I wanted to take away their firstborns or something? Or it could've had something to do with that big wolf-looking thing prowling around ahead of me?

...wait, the what?!

Indeed, some large creature was stalking the street ahead of me, snuffling around for something. The moonlight was shining down on it... and through it through little gaps in its body. Like it was made of sticks or something. It definitely didn't seem like it was going to let me pet it.

I watched as it stalked into an alleyway. It didn't seem like it was wandering around aimlessly--it was after something. Every rational part of my brain screamed at me to find another way home, but my house was just a little ways down that same street and I definitely didn't feel like getting lost in the dark. Not with one of those things walking around. I'd have to sneak past it.

It's either dying to a wolf-monster-thing or dying to a mugger, I guess.

Keeping my steps light, I crept around the alley, my eyes focused on the creature. It didn't seem to notice me, searching the alley for something. Maybe it followed something there? It didn't matter anyway--I had made it past. I breathed a quiet sigh of relief and turned around. Thanks to my amazing spatial awareness, whacked my hoof against a small wooden crate.

"DAMN IT!!"

I stuffed my non-sore hoof into my mouth after that very loud expletive. It had gone quiet. Deathly quiet.

Oooohhh, now you've done it.

My heart stopped and my blood ran cold as I slowly turned my head. A pair of glowing green eyes glared in my direction. The creature snarled and lowered its head as it stalked toward me. I walked backwards, not letting the creature out of my sight, but doing my best to avoid looking right in its eyes. A lot of animals took direct eye contact as challenge, though so far that didn't apply to Ponies. Though, as mad as the Ponies were, they weren't creeping around alleys and stalking innocent passers-by trying to get home.

As far as I knew, at least.

I felt something on my hind hoof and glanced down for a split-second. I'd stepped on a twig, probably from a nearby forest. Desperation taking over, I lifted the stick into my front hoof.

"Uhh, good boy," I said to the creature, waving the twig around. "Want the stick? You want the stick, boy? Wait, aren't you made of sticks? Am I asking you to commit cannibalism? If I am, I'm sorry. Unless that's a thing you guys do, in which case you're welcome to take the stick. Once I throw it in the other direction and run for my life. That a good deal for you? Do you even understand me? Sprechen sie Pferd?"

Why do I ramble so much?

The creature lowered itself, snarling as it prepared to pounce. When I saw that it was almost as big as me, I swallowed and began quietly praying to whatever god resided over this world. Twilight came to mind, for some reason.

We both halted as a wolf's howl sounded from quite a distance away. Its friends, no doubt. The creature turned back in my direction and broke into a gallop.

"OKAY I'M SORRY ABOUT THE STICK!" I yelped, tossing it away while covering my eyes and awaiting the inevitable gnawing of my limbs.

The gnawing that never came.

I opened my eyes and looked around, seeing the creature sprint down the street toward where the howling came from. It must've been called back to base, so to speak. Not that I was complaining. I stood still for a few minutes, making sure I was absolutely completely safe before I flopped down on my rear end. I panted and waited for my heart to calm down before standing back up, composing myself.

I turned to head for home so I could have a heart attack in peace, when I heard rustling from the alley. I crept over to see what the fuss was all about. From the noise, it had to be whatever that thing was hunting for. Or a really big raccoon. At this point, nothing would surprise me.

A Pony's head popped out of a big cardboard box, looking around. Okay, that surprised me a bit.

"Is it gone?" they asked, their voice distinctly feminine.
"I think so," I said.
The Pony sighed in relief and climbed out of the box, emerging from the alley to meet me. A seafoam-coloured mare with a Unicorn horn on her head, and a long, navy blue mane. I wasn't certain, but she looked to be about my age.
"I'm so lucky you came along," she sighed. "If you weren't there to be a distraction, I'd be timberwolf chow by now."
"I was almost timberwolf chow by now," I remarked with a glare.
"But you weren't, so it worked out for both of us!" She grinned. "Seriously though, thanks for the helping hoof."
I would've been more upset at her attitude, but I could see the gratitude in those purple eyes.
"No biggie," I said. "Why was that thing after you anyway?"
"I have no idea," she admitted with a shrug. "I just went to find some zap apples, then it just came after me. They usually don't come this far into town either."
I noddded. Part of me wanted to ask what a zap apple was, but all the other parts were too tired and frazzled to care.
"Say, I don't think I've seen you around before," she said. "You new in town?"
"Yeah, just moved here," I confirmed. "I'm Sharp Sight."
"Rivershine." She smiled more honestly. "Nice to meet ya, new guy."
"Same to you," I said. "You want me to walk you home? Wherever that is?"
"Nah, I think I'm good now," she insisted, tapping her horn. "I won't get caught off guard again. Plus, I've got my new timberwolf bait, so if I get in trouble, I know who to call."
I cocked an eyebrow at her cheeky grin.
"I better get going," she said, starting to trot off. "Nice meeting you, Sharp!"
"You too," I called back. "See you around."

Once Rivershine was out of sight, I breathed a sigh of relief and trudged toward home. I could finally get some rest without getting eaten. I pushed through the door and flopped into bed, my legs feeling much heavier than usual.

"...wait," I murmured, cracking an eye open. "She called that thing a timberwolf... and it was made of sticks..."

I groaned into my pillow for a solid minute before falling asleep.

11 - Spooky Scary Equestrians

A few weeks had passed since I was nearly eaten by that timberwolf, and I still found myself reeling at that pun. Whoever created this world had a twisted sense of humour. I expected to next find a bugbear that was an actual bear with extra legs and insect wings.

It had started getting chilly, the trees becoming coated with brown and red leaves. With how pleasantly warm it was when I first arrived, I assumed the seasonal cycle was the same here as it was back in the human world. The familiarity was just as comforting as it was question-raising. What else was the same here?

In those few weeks, I had been taking odd jobs around town. Delivering desserts for Pinkie, some modelling for Rarity's stallionswear, sorting some books at Starlight's place and the like. I spotted that Lyra mare following me around as well, popping her head out of a bush or from behind a wall. Either she used to be a human, or she had some kind of strange agenda. I wasn't in a hurry to find out.

Either way, I was making some decent scratch for myself. I kept most of it for necessities, while putting some aside to pay off the house. I didn't know why I was getting eager to have my own home in a world full of talking Ponies, but at the same time, I wasn't exactly rushing to get back to my old world either. Strange.

I'd been seeing Rivershine around town as well. We said hi to each other in passing, waved when we saw each other at a distance, even got coffee together once as her way of thanking me for saving her. Despite not being a fancy café in Canterlot, the coffee at this small local place tasted far better. We got to talking, and when it got to where we were from, I elected to simply say I was from out of town. I didn't want her to think I was crazy for saying I was actually a human from another dimension. Curiously, all she said on her end was the same--she was from out of town. I elected not to pry for now.

While we partook in some warm, al fresco caffeine, she asked me if I was going to take part in the Running of the Leaves. Since I'd become accustomed to strange looks pointed in my direction, it barely affected me when she raised an eyebrow at my asking what she was talking about. She explained how it was a hoof race through the White Tail Woods to encourage the autumn leaves to drop from their branches via the ground shaking from a few dozen Ponies running by. When I asked if it really took just that many to cause the trees to shake, she simply shrugged and said it was local tradition. Even non-Ponies were joining in this year, she'd heard. I wasn't too keen on joining in when she offered, but as soon as she mentioned that she was taking part herself, I was overwhelmed with the urge to change my answer.

When the day came, I cursed my brain for that decision. Many participants treated the run like the race of their lives, but Rivershine and I simply moved at a brisk jog. I was never really an athlete as a human--didn't join any sports teams or anything like that. Clearly that had passed over to my new body, because by the end, my hooves were on fire and I think I nearly choked up one of my lungs. Naturally, we were among the latecomers to the finish line. Rivershine stuck around until I felt able to walk back to Ponyville with her. Something she was not obligated to do, nor did I ask her to do, but she did, and I didn't mind it. Even if it took longer than most other competitors.

As much as I appreciated it, I wasn't going to do any jobs for anypony, not even her, until my hooves stopped screaming at me for subjecting them to physical exercise.

A week or so after that, I began noticing changes around Ponyville as I walked around. Not just that it was colder, but some houses and shops had started sporting abnormally large cobwebs. I felt my ears flop against my temples in terror at the thought of an infestation of giant spiders all over town.

But when I saw the marketplace's pumpkin stall showing off jack-o'-lanterns and offering personal carvings, the penny dropped. Or, well, I suppose the bit dropped.

Oh, they have Halloween here!

A little grin crept across my face upon the realisation. Halloween was always one of my favourite holidays; cool costumes, awesome decorations, schlocky B-movies and the overall air of whimsical spookiness. Just a shame such a fun time of year has become an afterthought to most, thanks to a certain other, apparently more marketable holiday.

But not in Ponyville, by the looks of it. Mayor Mare was walking around the town square saying things like "Let's put the apple bobbing here," and "Let's make sure the stage isn't too big." Carousel Boutique was displaying fashionable costumes in its windows, and Sugarcube Corner was advertising pumpkin pies and mouldy (read: minty) chocolate-chip cookies.

My excitement grew as I wandered around, and--bzzt! "Wah!"--was stifled a bit by a sudden sting on my backside. I jumped a few inches into the air and quickly turned around to find the culprit, but anypony nearby looked just as surprised as I was. Until they looked up, knowingly rolled their eyes and continued on their way. I glanced up as well, and spotted a mare sitting on a tiny black cloud, snickering into her hoof.

"Sorry, dude," she called down to me. "I'm just practicing some pranks for Nightmare Night and you just happened to be the perfect target!"

She spread her wings and swooped down to the ground in front of me, allowing me a better look at her. A Pegasus with a light blue coat and a mischievous glint in her purple eyes, and I've definitely seen that rainbow hair around town. Rainbow Dash, if I recalled correctly.

The mare furrowed her brow, tilting her head as she studied my face. "Say, have we met before? Like, before you came to the School of Friendship?"
I found myself mirroring her expression. "I've been wondering that myself."
We both shrugged, and she held out a hoof. "Just in case, 'sup, dude. I'm Rainbow Dash. Element of Harmony, teacher at the School of Friendship, and local Wonderbolt." She put on a smug smirk, apparently particularly proud of that last bit.
I looked at the hoof and, after a quick perusal of the "Equestrian Etiquette" portion of my brain, bumped mine against it. She looked satisfied.
"Sharp Sight," I said, offering a little smile.
"Oh yeah," Dash said, nodding. "One of Twilight's 'other dimension' pals, right? She told us about you."
"That's me," I said, then blinked. "Wait, 'one of'?"
"Yeah, the ol' Princess of Friendship has even made friends in other worlds. She has this book she uses to send messages to one of 'em."
I cocked an eyebrow. "A... book? Like, the paper kind?"
"Yeah, weird magic stuff." Dash shrugged with one leg. "So yeah, I'm just making sure my aim's on point for Nightmare Night. What's treats without a few tricks, eh?"

I figured Nightmare Night was what they called Halloween here. A cool name, if maybe a little too on the nose. I didn't linger on Dash's little transgression, although my butt cheek was probably going to sting for at least a week.

"Makes sense," I agreed. "Looks like the whole town's in the spirit."
"Oh, we're always down for Nightmare Night!" Dash grinned. "Weeeeell, except Fluttershy. It's not really her thing."
That made sense. Fluttershy seemed the type to jump seeing her own shadow on the wall.
"She's not into scares?" I asked.
"Nope, though she did try to get into it one year," Dash recalled. "Oh man, you should've seen it."
One side of my mouth upturned a little. This I had to hear. "I'm guessing it was stuff like 'Oh no, the milk's about to go bad'?" I asked, putting on a falsetto which got a snort of laughter out of Dash.
"At first," she explained, "but later on, she really cranked it up."

Rainbow Dash began telling me the story of one Nightmare Night where Fluttershy tried to scare her friends, and I found myself a lot more enthralled than I expected myself to be. She had a 'monster' chase them in a corn maze, locked them in a cellar, and even became a 'Vampire Bat Pony' to top it all off.

I tilted my head a little, more impressed than amused. "Huh, where was she hiding that?"
"Right?" The Pegasus grinned, her wings ruffling. "I always knew my Pega-sister had it in her!"

Pega-sister. That's adorable.

"But she's still not a fan?" I asked.
"Nah, she decided it's not for her," Dash said. "Which is cool with us. I'm just glad she gave it a try."
I nodded. That was a fair enough take. "I'm definitely giving it a try myself."
Dash grinned. "They got Nightmare Night back where you come from?"
"Sorta."
"You're gonna love the festival," the Pegasus said with a grin. "It's a big town-wide party that goes on all night!"

For a moment, I thought I'd had my fair share of parties when I first arrived. But on the other hoof, a party that wasn't restricted to the tiny confines of my house sounded a lot more appealing. Especially since I wouldn't be the guest of honour. Not that I didn't appreciate Pinkie Pie's 'Welcome to Your New Life' surprise party in retrospect, but it would be nice to be able to just slink into the crowd and slip home if things got too wild.

"You got a costume yet?" Dash asked. "If not, Rarity can hook you up. She's real good at knowing what's right for you."
"Yeah?" I smiled. "Thanks for the tip."
"No biggie." Dash grinned back, then both our ears pricked up when we heard a bell chiming. Given by the lack of panic from the surrounding Ponies, it certainly wasn't an alarm bell. Must've been the top of the hour.
"Oh crud," Dash gasped. "I've got a Wonderbolt flying drill. Spitfire'll have my feathers if I'm late. Catch ya later, Sharp. Oh, and watch your back at the festival."
With a cheeky wink, the Pegasus spread her wings and hopped into the air, performing a loop-de-loop before flying off toward the horizon, me watching from the ground. The conversation concluded, I decided to take her advice and visit Rarity to see what kind of costume I could grab for myself.

And on the way, I began to wonder.

...what's a Wonderbolt?

Before I knew it, Nightmare Night had arrived, and the festival was in full swing the moment the sun had set. From inside the house, I could already hear crowds gathering and feel the thump of loud music from the town square through the floor. I peeked through the curtains, seeing locals going around in costumes of their own. Everypony was decked out, which put a smile on my face. It was good to see a community that actually gave a rat's behind about a cool holiday.

I went to my bedroom and stood at the full-length mirror, checking out my own costume. A white shirt with a matching jabot, a long, black leather coat and a wide-brimmed fedora to go with it. Strapped to my back was a plastic crossbow, painted to look like the real thing.

After all, what's scarier than what scares monsters?

I heard some small, rapid knocks at the door, and my heart sank.

Social interaction with children. That's what's scarier.

I was hoping I could get out of the house before any trick-or-treaters would come and harmlessly mug me for candy. Luckily I'd thought ahead and had a big bowl of the stuff by the door for just such an emergency. I slowly opened the door.

"Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!"

I blinked as the four cavity tax collectors sang a little chant at me. I supposed "Trick or treat!" was too much of a mouthful.

"What's your costume, mister?" asked a Unicorn colt wrapped in toilet paper.
"Are you a gangster?" the male griffin next to him asked, cocking his eyepatch-and-bandana clad head.
"Nah," the Pegasus filly said, dressed in a black, lightning-themed superhero costume. "Hasn't got the right kind of gun, see?"
"Maybe he's a vampire, like me," the Earth Pony filly guessed, wearing a long old-time ballgown with cardboard bat wings taped to her back. "But where's your fangs?"

A little smirk crossed my face as I decided, in the spirit of Nightmare Night, to get into character.

"My name is, um... Furlong van Prancing," I said, lowering the tone of my voice a bit and dipping my hat in greeting. "Monster hunter extraordinaire."
"Oooohhhhh," the kids chorused, nodding in understanding.
"I've come to Ponyville tonight in search of monsters who might be stirring up trouble," I went on, making sure to eye the mummy and vampire specifically. The two exchanged glances. "This house is clean, but I'm certain there are some bad monsters around."
"No bad monsters here, sir," the mummy said, his big eyes shifting.
"But we'll keep an eye out," the vampony assured me.
"And show 'em not to mess with us," the superfilly added, punching the air with her front hooves.
"Maybe you kids can be my eyes and ears around town," I say, holding my bowl of candy into view and watching their faces light up. "I'll pay, of course."
"Don't skimp on the malted milk balls, and you've got a deal," the pirate griffin said, the four eagerly holding out their plastic buckets.
"Sounds fair to me, Captain," I agreed, and gave each trick-or-treater a generous serving of candy. "Keep vigilant--monsters could be lurking anywhere to try and steal your candy."
"I'd like to see 'em try," the griffin said, a smirk on his beak as he patted the plastic sword at his side.

The kids thanked me and went on their way, and I decided to head out myself. I turned off the lights inside before closing the door, leaving the bowl on the porch with a note saying "Leave some for the others." Because like heck was I going to write "Please take one". What kind of soulless machine makes kids only take one piece of candy?

"Well well," I heard, "never would've guessed you were so good with foals."
I looked up and felt a joy in my chest as Rivershine walked up to me. Her face was painted a sickly green, her mane frizzy and unbrushed, and she was wearing a dirty, torn wedding dress.
"Your zombie husband leave you hanging?" I asked.
"Apparently eating brains with his friends was more important," she remarked, earning a snort from me. "How about we check out the festival together instead?"
I was originally just going solo, but I certainly wasn't going to turn her down. I appreciated knowing somepony I could have a good sarcasm fight with. Plus, I didn't see any reason she'd come to my part of town, so I could only guess she was coming to invite me anyway.
"Well I've got monsters to hunt," I said. "Maybe I'll stick an arrow through that deadbeat's if I see him."
She smirked. "Would you? I'd appreciate it."

We chuckled and walked toward the town together.

The two of us walked around Ponyville, taking in the Nightmare Night festivities. The square was all decked out--light strings with paper skulls were strewn from lamppost to lamppost. Stalls were set up for selling all kinds of Nighmare Night-themed goodies--cookies shaped like spiders and skulls and the like, cupcakes with faces drawn with frosting like they were lamenting every moment outside of the oven, and pumpkin pies with jack-o-lantern faces drawn on the top. I was tempted to buy one for the novelty, but Rivershine wanted to eat it and I couldn't let her deface a work of art with her face.

There were even carnival games set up. I tried my hoof at tossing a toy spider at a web net, which was more diffcult than it looked. The ones that didn't just flop on the ground were nowhere near the bullseye, but the mare running the game wasn't about to stop me from setting bit after bit in front of her for another shot. At my fifth bit, Rivershine decided to step up and nailed it the first try. I could've sworn I saw her horn glow for a split-second during her turn, but I wasn't paying attention. Neither was the other mare apparently, who was happy to give her a plush vampire fruit bat as a prize. That being a red bat with little fangs, a strawberry-styled body and leaves for ears. Adorable.

I had more luck launching a pumpkin at a target. The fundamentals were simple; just load a big pumpkin on a catapault and launch. Not exactly rocket science. While easy to learn, however, the difficulty to master came in adjusting how far back you wound back the catapult for the perfect shot. I just happened to get lucky the first time, without possibly cheating by bending the laws of physics, thank you very much. Rivershine had a go next, but she wound too far back and the pumpkin went slamming into a stallion's face. We both flinched and exchanged looks before scurrying off while the poor guy was left spitting out seeds.

While the both of us were bobbing for apples, however, we could hear a commotion and we saw a crowd gathering at the big stage. We took our sweet-tasting prizes over to have a look at what was going on. We saw the mayor take the stage, decked out in... a cute, pink princess dress and matching tiara. Rivershine shrugged at the look I gave her.

"Thank you all for coming to this year's Nightmare Night festival!" the mayor said, receiving some applause. "Now, all the little ones who have been collecting sweets tonight, follow our friend Zecora and learn the legend of... Nightmare Moon!" Her evil cackle was impressive, but the dress wasn't doing it for me.

We watched as a green mist covered the left side of the stage, and out stepped a striped Pony dressed as a druid.

A zebra? Yeah, that's definitely a zebra.

"Come, little ones, and you soon," she said, with an air of mystery in her voice, "will learn the tale of Nightmare Moon."

"We should go too, Sharp," Rivershine suggested, grinning. "Zecora does a great show."
I looked over at the young ones excitedly gossiping to one another as they followed Zecora down a street.
"You sure? Seems like it's a 'kids only' deal."
"Nah, adults just don't go because everypony knows the story," she explained. "But I love the way she tells it."

I shrugged and joined Rivershine, the two of us bringing up the rear. I didn't want to say I had no idea what a Nightmare Moon was, since it seemed to be common knowledge and my ignorance might have raised some red flags. Besides, I did want t know the story anyway. Something with the name Nightmare Moon certainly promised a spooky fun time.

"You ever heard of the Everfree Forest, Sharp?" Rivershine asked as we walked.
"Can't say I have," I admitted, shaking my head. "Is that where we're going?"
"Well, the edge of it," she said. "The Forest itself is really dangerous. Animals and plants live on their own without Ponies to help them, and the weather moves by itself!"
I furrowed my brow as I looked at her, but she didn't seem to be messing with me. "Um, the horror...?"
"And there's the monsters that live deeper in," she went on. "Sea serpents, manticores, cragadiles, and our friends the timberwolves."
"Oh." I felt myself pale. The monters sounded a much more reasonable fear than the rain coming down by itself.

Wait, do Ponies control the weather?

Zecora led the group to a large, withered stone statue of a slender Unicorn with wings. Like Twilight, but taller and much more menacing, sneering as it reared up as if it were going to come to life and attack. t was also wearing some kind of helmet. Nighmare Moon, I presumed. Rivershine and I kept to the back as the kids gathered around Zecora, who stood by the statue and told the story. It started out with some creepy rhyming, but then she started pulling out green smoke bombs and illusions of glaring eyes bearing down on the kids. She talked about how this demon of the night prowled for Ponies to eat, passing by anypony in costume and assuming they were one of her army of darkness or something. Kids would also leave a piece of candy at this statue to appease her and stop her from going on a voracious genocide on the populace.

"Told ya she knows how to tell a story," Rivershine said, noting the look on my face.
"You were right," I admitted. "That was awesome."
"Right?!" She beamed ear-to-ear. "I know Nightmare Moon isn't around anymore, but that story still gives me chills!"
I went to agree, but I caught onto something she said. "Wait, 'anymore'?"
"Oh, yeah," she said, sounding like she'd just let something slip she wasn't supposed to. "That was a whole thing a few years ago. You probably didn't see it."
I blinked. "I didn't. What was that about?"

Rivershine opened her mouth to answer, but was distracted by the wind suddenly picking up. The trees shook and rustled, the silhouettes of their branches making them almost look like giant slender demons. She had to catch my hat in her magic and put it back on my head. I put my hoof on it to keep it steady. The night sky grew even darker as black clouds swirled and eclipsed the stars overhead. Brown leaves flew off the grass and swirled around the statue as the wind grew stronger.

"Citizens of Ponyville," a booming voice of the legion spoke up, like it was coming from every single possible direction. "You were most wise to bring these offerings to me."

The darkness seemed to melt from the clouds and coat the statue, covering it in black. The kids slowly backed away in terror as a pair of glowing white eyes shot open. Lightning crashed down from the sky.

"I am quite pleased," the voice went on, now finding a home in the personification of nightmares manifesting before us. Its mane and tail began to glow and glitter like they were made of a piece of the night sky. "So pleased, that I may eat it... instead of YOU!"

The statue suddenly slammed its front hooves down in front of the kids, who screamed in terror before dashing past me and Rivershine. I wasn't sure why I wasn't following them, and instead letting this beast from the darkest depths of Tartarus approach me.

"What is that?!" I yelped, reaching for the crossbow on my back. I pointed it at the monster and pulled the trigger, only to find it wasn't moving due to being grafted onto the frame. As was the arrow. In the moment, I'd forgotten the weapon that could save my life was actually a toy, and I threw it at the creature out of desperation. It simply phased through its head. I took a few steps back as it loomed over me, its razor-sharp fangs looking poised to strike. I closed my eyes and silently said my prayers.

"Goodness," a mare's voice said. "I've never scared an adult that well before!"

I blinked slowly, all the malice in the air fading away like it hadn't been there at all. The large creature turned white, then started to shrink in size until it was just a few inches taller than me. Then the white faded to reveal a dark blue Alicorn, still sporting the flowing mane and tail, but none of the evil in her light blue eyes, and a little black crown instead of a helmet. She spat out the fake rubber fangs into her hoof.

"I hope I didn't traumatise you, sir," she said, her voice much softer.
"U-uh, no, it's fine," I murmured. "Aren't... aren't you a princess?"
"Princess Luna, yes," she said, as if I'd just asked a stupid question. I probably did. "Well, former Princess. My sister and I have taken to retiring after Princess Twilight took to the throne in our stead, but I enjoy being part of the Nightmare Night celebration. It was created in my honour, after all."
"Oh," I muttered, my heart still racing. "Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm Sharp Sight."
"I'm Rivershine," the mare next to me said, wearing a cheeky smile.
"A pleasure to meet you both," Luna said with a warm smile. "It's good to see the older Ponies taking part. Especially taking part together." she added with a smirk of her own.

Rivershine and I looked at each other, and began pelting Luna with beginnings of sentences like "We're not--" "This isn't--" and "We're just--" which only served to amuse Luna even more. We looked over our shoulders and saw the kids from before peering from the trees and bushes, some giggling at our expense. Little jerks.

"Well, I shan't get in your way," she said, not buying our lack of flimsy excuses. "I believe I shall go and attend the festival while it's still going. I've been posing as that statue all day and I'd really like to 'cut loose' while the night is still young."

We watched as Luna strode toward Ponyville, the group of kids doing the same. Once we were alone, I turned to Rivershine.
"You knew, didn't you?"
"Knew what?" Rivershine grinned.
"You know what."
"No I don't."
"You knew that was going to happen."
"What?"
"The Luna thing."
"Oh, that. Yeah, I totally knew that."
"And you didn't tell me."
"Nope."
"So I would have a heart attack."
"Yup."
"I hate you."
"No you don't."

I glared at her, and she responded with a big toothy grin. She was right, I didn't hate her. Not for subtly getting me an audience with a member of royalty. Even if it may have caused me to become a laughing stock amongst the youth of the town. A strange monkey paw if there was one.

"The bar should be open by now," Rivershine said as we began walking to town. "How about a drink before we head home?"
"Sounds good," I said. "You're buying, though."
"Well aren't you a gentlecolt," she remarked, "making the lady buy the drinks."
"You made me almost have heart failure."
"I got you to meet a princess. So really, you owe me a drink."
"How about we buy each other a drink and say no more about it."
"Deal."

We walked back to Ponyville and travelled across the square, spotting Princess Luna get in on the festivities. This was certainly a night I was going to remember, but I was sure looking forward to a drink and a lack of surprises.

bzzt!

"Gah!" I yelped as a small shock tingled my backside, making me scurry a few steps ahead. Rivershine snorted into her hoof.

"Told ya to watch your back!" Rainbow Dash cackled from above.

12 - Winter's Coming

A few weeks had passed since I spent Nightmare Night with Rivershine. We'd gotten some drinks and parted ways for the evening, though part of me felt a little disappointed that I wasn't accompanying her. I suppose I couldn't get enough of that perky, mischievous attitude of hers. Like if you toned down Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash and fused them together. And she somehow got a horn instead of wings.

That make sense? I hope so.

Though, maybe I was also curious about her. I still wasn't at the "Bee-tee-dubs, I used to walk upright and have fingers" stage, but she was also rather coy about her own origins. Not that I was going to hold her at gunpoint and demand she told me about herself--does this place even have guns?--but I still wanted to know more about her. And as I say around the house, I found myself wondering if she thought the same about me.

I shook my head and scolded myself. I've seen how these things go - guy falls into strange new world, goes native, has a legion of mares falling in love with him all at the same time so he starts laying with them all in a huge satin-sheeted bed like some kind of fertility god. I was falling into the trap.

Or was I? Local ladies either just laughed at me or kept a wide berth, and Rivershine didn't seem to show any kind of romantic interest in me. We were definitely friends, but...

Another shake of the head. "You're overthinking things, man."

I looked at the clock. Ten-thirty in the morning. I had a few slices of buttered toast in my stomach, so I was more or less ready to face the day's madness. I needed some fresh air anyway.

I put on my saddlebag and stepped outside, and a particularly chilly breeze caused my bones to shiver and my fur to bristle. I looked up at the overcast sky, the clouds dark. I grimaced. I didn't want my fresh air to be wet as well as cold.

And that's when a snowflake landed on my nose. I noticed passers-by catching their own flakes in their hooves before beaming with excitement.

"Right," I muttered to myself. "After autumn comes winter."

That meant it was time to bundle up and put the fireplace to good use. I checked my bit bag, frowning as I shook it in my hoof. The light weight and frankly pathetic jingle from inside meant putting more emphasis on paying my rent was pushing me into the red. I needed some scratch right away.

Though, I was sure I at least had enough for some winter gear. Maybe the walk to Rarity's would warm me up a bit?

No. No it would not.

My teeth chattered as the cold wind kept assaulting my general direction. If it was already this cold, I'd be a Sharpsicle when this world's equivalent of Christmas came knocking.

Along the way, I overheard the phrase "Hearth's Warming" more than a few times. I figured it was some kind of local tradition. Or maybe I was just mishearing commands to "Go get the hearth warming."

I stepped up to Carousel Boutique, praying to Twilight that Rarity had the heat on. The little bell above the door tinkled as I poked my head in.

"I'll be one second!" called Rarity. She was stood at a mannequin, her back to me. I could hear her muttering to herself, and the odd growl spliced into her voice told me things weren't going too well.
"Need a hoof over there?" I asked, stepping in.
"Oh no, don't trouble yourse--" she began, then gasped when she got a look at me. Her eyes lit up behind her glasses. "Sharp Sight, darling! Just the stallion I needed!"
I wasn't sure if it was the warmth or being called a 'stallion', but I felt my cheeks flush. "I am?"
"Oh yes," she said, trotting over and ushering me toward a semi-circle of mirror frames. "As it happens, I do 'need a hoof' with something."
"Got some more fabrics to go to the train?" I guessed, silently hoping otherwise.
"Oh no," she said, to my great relief, "nothing so laborious, especially not in that chill. No, my dear, I need you to be my canvas!"
I watched her hoof as she waved it dramatically. "You're trying your hoof at painting?"
"Oh, not that kind of canvas," she giggled. "I'll be blunt--I want you to model for me."
"M-model?" I repeated, my legs squeezing together.
"That's right." Rarity trotted off somewhere, but I could still hear her clearly. "I'm working on a new winter line, you see. I've got plenty of mares to help model for me, but what I really need is a stallion's touch for the male side."
"Oh!" I blinked and relaxed my body. "Model for clothes! Yeah, I can help with that."
"Wonderful!" Rarity returned, pulling a wheeled rack of clothes behind her with her magic. "Now, you try on some of my... vintage designs, and we''ll see if inspiration strikes."
"I hope it's gentle," I muttered.

Rarity spent the next while assaulting me with fabrics in assorted styles. Jackets, scarves, hats, overcoats and such. Occasionally she'd ask me to strike a pose and rub her chin when I indeed struck. Though I'd never modelled before, for clothes or otherwise, so I was probably leaving something to be desired.

"Mm," she hummed at one point, frowning, "that pout is less 'Confident snow traveller' and more 'I've been holding it in for a three-hour train journey and I need the bathroom now', dear."

Definitely leaving everything to be desired.

But just as I was wondering how much more I could raise my leg and puff out my chest, a shrill gasp came from the designer.
"Wait!" she yelled gutturally.
I nearly stumbled over my own hooves, and for once it wasn't entirely my fault. "W-what's up?!"
She floated a sketchpad and quill toward her and began furiously scribbling. "I have it!"
"Have what?" I asked. From the manic ear-to-ear smirk and the dilated pupils darting between me and the paper, I guessed she had a particularly happy demon possessing her.
"Inspiration!" she chirped. "It has struck! Oh, don't move for a moment, darling--you've captured the mood perfectly and I can't lose it now."
I looked down at myself and arched an eyebrow. Wearing a frilly scarf and an ushanka while hitting the 'Deer Caught in the Headlights, Retro Style' pose was an inspiring position?

In a few minutes she had finished, and tilted the pad in different directions, humming and squinting for some moments longer.
"Yes," she murmured. "Yes, this shall be perfect for the male line."
Despite my lack of taste for, or interest in the sciences of fashion, I found myself curious. "Can I see?"
"Ap-ap-ap!" she tutted, harmlessly batting my hoof away from the sketchpad. "No spoilers!"
I couldn't argue with that eager grin plastered on her ivory-coloured face. "Fair enough. So, uh, if we're done...?"
"Oh, goodness," she gasped, and quickly removed the accessories from my person. "I'm so sorry, Sharp. I got so caught up that I forgot you'd walked in as a customer! Now, what can I do for you?"
"Oh, I'm just looking for something warm, now that it's cooling down outside," I said. "Something cheap and--"
"Cheap?!" she squawked. "No no no, dear! Helping me out of my creative block deserves far more than something out of the bargain bin." She spoke those last two words with notable bile in her voice.

I opened my mouth to retort, but she was already whisking herself around the shop, using her magic to pull hangers along racks. "No... no... ah yes, this should do nicely."
She returned with... something I didn't expect to see. In her magical aura floated a blue hoodie, the front unzipped. With a silent prompt from her, I slipped my front legs through the sleeves and let her run the zip up. My surprise quickly gave way to contentedness--that thing was comfy.
"A little something from one of my experimental phases," she said. "The Yak hair lining will keep you nice and toasty when the cold really settles in."
"Yak hair?" I repeated. That sounded expensive.
"Generously donated by our good friends in Yakyakistan, of course," she explained. "Unless... goodness! You're not allergic to yak hair, are you?" she gasped.
"No, no," I assured her. "At least, I don't think I am. It's just that this thing sounds pricy, and I'm on a budget."
"Oh no, Sharp," she said, raising a hoof to shush me. "After you were such a big help, I shan't take a single bit. Think of it as an early Hearth's Warming gift."

There was that phrase again--Hearth's Warming. If gifts were involved, it had to be Pony Christmas. I had to wonder how all these traditions came to be. I'd have to look into it sometime.

"Well, thanks," I said, a genuine smile on my face. "Though, one quick question--what inspired you to make this?" I asked, gesturing to the hoodie.
"Ah, well," said Rarity, "Twilight told us about how you're not from Equestria."
I swallowed. "She did...?"
"Oh, we've seen far stranger than a traveller from another world," she said with a dismissive wave. "I don't know the details of your world, but what Twilight told us reminded me of this other world she's been to, and I asked her for a bit of research on fashion there. It's been a wonder for my various lines."
How she spoke so casually about other dimensions existing, like it was common knowledge, was almost unnerving.
"Anyway," she went on, "I thought this little something would help you feel a little more at home. Plus, this shade of blue goes wonderfully with your coat."
I took another look at it. Even if I had no idea how to fashion, the way the blue fabric went against my burgundy/maroon fur was pleasing to my eyes.
"Well, I really appreciate it," I said, smiling at her again. "I'll try to pay for it when I've got the--"
"Not another word about money," she interrupted, pressing a hoof to my lips. "You did a favour for me, so I did one back. That's all there is to it."
"Well, if you need somepony to model for you again, I'll no doubt be around."
"I shall certainly take you up on that should I need it," she smiled.

I said my goodbyes and a couple more thank-yous to Rarity before making my way back outside. Another breeze brushed past me, but I barely felt it. I took a moment to let that sink in: somehow, despite only part of my body being covered, the cold didn't do much to bother me now.

"The Yaks here are something else," I muttered.

"You're bundling up too, huh?" asked a familiar voice, which made my heart soar. I turned and saw Rivershine walking up to me. She had on a purple scarf, which went nicely with her own seafoam coat. Really brought out her turquoise eyes too.
Keep it together, Sharp.
"Oh, yeah," I said. "That scarf looks great on you."
One job, Sharp! Just one!
"Thanks," she grinned, running a hoof along it. "It's pretty old, but it's my favourite. That's a nice... I wanna say 'jacket'?"
"They call it a hoodie, where I'm from," I said, "but thanks. So, what're you up to?"
"Just getting a bit of Hearth's Warming prep out of the way early," she said. "Gonna head to Barnyard Bargains and grab myself a tree."
"Oh, cool," I said. "I was just looking for something warm to wear, and maybe a way to make some more bits."
"Running low, huh?" she asked, sympathy in her voice.
"Sorta," I admitted, sheepishly rubbing one front hoof behind the other. It felt strangely natural.
"Wanna tag along?" she offered. "Some company would be great. Y'know, the kind of company who isn't constantly urging me to buy things."
"Sure!" I chirped, then quickly added to cover for my enthusiasm, "Uh, they might have some job positions open over the holidays."
"Then off to the land of consumerism we go!" she grinned and turned around, and I walked alongside her down the street.

I tried not to think about how I felt that little bit warmer.

I'd passed by Rich's Barnyard Bargains a few times since coming to Ponyville, but I hadn't found a reason to go in and take a look. It was a big retail store, selling all sorts of bits and bobs for every day use. Right now, though, it was decked out in what I assumed was Hearth's Warming spirit. Tinsel, paper snowflakes, and those talking plastic snowponies that no doubt lurked in the corner of every attic in town.

On the way in, I spotted a notice taped to the window, taking a quick glance at it.

Want to make some extra spending money over the holidays?
Holiday positions are now available until Hearth's Warming Eve!
All species may apply. No previous experience required.

I snorted to myself. Retail was already bad enough without the holiday rush. I was fairly certain I wasn't that desperate for cash.

Inside was about as festive as expected. Jaunty tunes about gifts, snowy evenings and 'the magic of sharing' at some point--the latter's lyrics were so on-the-nose I felt ready to throw up pure good will--played over speakers throughout the store. The upside was Rivershine's strategy proved fruitful--there were no oceans of frantic creatures fighting each other over the last thing on the shelf. Just a Pony here or a Griffin there idly perusing what was on offer in each aisle.

"All this stuff was put up the day after Nightmare Night," grumbled Rivershine. "The disrespect of it all."
"Just so they could get some early holiday cash," I agreed, finding myself riled up as well. "I bet this stuff was put up the moment it struck midnight."
"I wouldn't put it past them." Rivershine gave an inflatable reindeer a mock punch in the jaw as she passed it. "Princess Luna would smite this place if she knew."
"She didn't strike me as the smiting type when we met her, though," I pointed out.
"But she's totally capable of smiting, and if I was her, I'd totally smite any place that put up Hearth's Warming decorations the moment Nightmare Night was over."
"Oh yeah, same here."

Despite our complaints for corrupt corporate practices, we were there for Hearth's Warming things. We trekked through the jungle of snowglobes, plastic candy canes and string lights that I had flashbacks of wrestling many a year back in my old world. To neither of our surprise, the stuff was too tacky to entice us to give up more of our cash than we were intending to spend. Which, in my case, was as little as possible until I got some more in.

"Oh, here we go," Rivershine piped up eventually, drawing my attention to shelves of narrow cardboard boxes with pictures of pine trees on them. "Just what I need."
I tilted my head. "Fake trees? I thought the real thing would be popular around here."
"They are," she sighed. "You don't book a real one in advance, and suddenly you're paying a fine for uncertified cutting of the huge pine you were too tired and annoyed to realise was too big for your house and so you spend a year to the day finding needles hiding around the place."
"Point taken," I said solemnly. "Plus you can keep a fake one for a long time instead of paying a load of bits each year for a real one."
"Exactly my thoughts," she agreed. "Look at us, having so much in common."
"It's like that timberwolf was there just to make us meet," I snorted. "Speaking of which, did you ever hear more about that?"
She shrugged, and her hoof started gliding across shelves as she walked down the aisle of trees. "I heard Fluttershy was looking into it, but other than that, your guess is as good as mine."
"I wonder why a timberwolf in particular made so much buzz?" I asked. "This town gets attacked by a creature at least once a week."
"Because timberwolves aren't the 'terrorise the village' type," she explained. "They usually stay in the Everfree Forest and keep to themselves."
"Mm," I hummed, and then something she'd said sent a pang of fear through my body. "Wait, Fluttershy is looking into it? As in, on her own?"
"You'd be surprised how good she is with animals," said Rivershine. "I heard she once tamed Cerberus."
"That somepony's dog?"
"Whoever owns Tartarus, yeah." She was yet to direct herself away from her search.
I turned to her, my brow furrowed. "Wait, the Cerberus? As in 'giant, three-headed dog' Cerberus?"
"The very same."
"You're making that up."
"I'd make up a few things, but that one isn't a Rivershine original. Ask her yourself if you see her around."

If that was true, Fluttershy was one to be respected and feared.

"Wait," she said, halting in front of a box. She squinted at the label and murmured its contents to herself, before lifting the box in her magic. "Yup, this is the one."
"Just like that?" I asked, following her to the checkout. "That was easy."
"I'm a mare who knows what she wants," she grinned. "Plus, it's better to get the shopping out of the way before the dreaded Day Before Hearth's Warming."

I elected to wait nearby while Rivershine got in line at the checkout. I tapped a hoof on the floor as I idly looked around, clicking my tongue to a rhythm in my head. Eventually she was done, and I accompanied her back out.
"Thanks for coming with me," she said. "The company really helped."
"So you had someone to rant to?" I asked with a smirk.
"Maybe," she smirked back. "Really, though, having somepony to talk to really cuts out the monotony of it all."
That I couldn't argue, though I did wonder something. "Don't you have other friends in town? I mean, besides me?"
"Sure, but some things I just prefer to do on my own," she said. "Though, there's something refreshing about a Pony who can throw sass back at me."
"It's a helpful weapon to have when you're still learning to walk in a straight line," I said, smiling. "You need a hoof putting that up?"
"Nah, I think I can do that part," she assured me. "Besides, you've probably got your own tree to take care of."
"Oh, I'm gonna get one myself when I get the cash up," I half-lied. I hadn't even considered my own decorations. Those were certainly going to make space in my wallet. "I'll at least help you with the lights and stuff."
"Okay, that I'll need help with," she admitted. "Well, when I get the thing up, I'll come knocking."
"Sounds like a plan," I said, with a hint of glee in my voice that I hope she didn't pick up on.

Rivershine and I said our see yas, and as I watched her trot off, a thought occurred.

If Hearth's Warming really is what I think it is, I need to think about gifts. And gifts cost money.

I glanced back at Barnyard Bargains. At the job notice in the window.

...if I'm desperate.

For now, I made my way to the town hall's bulletin board. Hopefully, with holiday preparations to make, somepony would need help that they could throw a few bits my way for. But then, this was the season of spending.

When I got to the town hall, I spotted a familiar face beneath a familiar hat. She looked a little perplexed about something. Perhaps it was to do with that paper in her hoof.

"Hey, Applejack," I called, getting her attention.
"Well howdy there, Sharp," she said, putting on a smile. "Finally got yer Pony legs, huh?"
"My what-now?" I blurted, then blushed. "Oh, right. Twilight told you about me."
"Just the basic gist," Applejack confirmed. "Don't fret none--a feller from another world's far from the weirdest thing Ah've ever seen."
"Yeah, Rarity said similar." I smiled sheepishly, then nodded to the paper. "What've you got there?"
"Oh, just need a bit'a help 'round the farm," she said, trying to mask her nervousness. "It's the last harvest a'the season, and Big Mac n' his sweetheart're off makin' a delivery to Griffonstone. We gotta get these apples pronto, before the snow settles in."
"You don't have time to wait until he gets back?" I asked.
"Nope," she sighed. "Rainbow Dash herself says the snow's to start pilin' up this week, so Ah can't take chances."

I considered that for a moment. Picking apples certainly didn't sound too taxing.

"I could help you out," I offered. Applejack responded with a cocked eyebrow. "What?"
"No offence, sugarcube," Applejack said, "but y'all strike me as... well..."
"As what?"
"Well... a city boy."
As true as it was, I couldn't help but take just a little offence to it. "I'm not afraid of a bit of manual labour."
"Well, y'all are an Earth Pony," Applejack muttered, tapping her hoof on her chin, "and it'd be mighty rude a' me to turn ya down... no harm in lettin' ya take a crack at it. Ah'll pay ya fer yer time, of course."
Just what I was hoping for. "Sweet. When do we start?"
"Tomorrow mornin'," she said. "Ah'll send Apple Bloom to come getcha."
"Apple Bloom," I repeated quietly, furrowing my brow. "Oh, your sister, right?"
"That's her," said Applejack with a nod. "Better'n a rooster most mornin's."

I was liking the sound of this already. Getting paid for some easy fruit picking, and probably a little bit of farmwork? If this went well, I'd have Hearth's Warming money in no time.

"Oh, and uh," she said, "y'all might not wanna bring that jacket a'yers."
I blinked. "Say what?"
"Trust me, yer not gonna need it."

Hoo boy.

13 - Keep on Buckin'

"UP AND AT 'EM, MR. SHARP!"

I was sure the noise I made wasn't equine. My hooves flailed in the air, somehow not striking the yellow-and-red blur that woke me.

"Didn't nudge ya too hard, did Ah?" asked the blur.
It took me a moment to recognise the voice, and it helped that my eyes started to focus and the shimmering mass took the form of a small Earth Pony.
"Oh, you're... Apple Bloom, right?" I asked.
"That's me," she chirped. "Mah sis sent me ta getcha."
I rubbed my hooves on my face with a groan. "Right, I forgot. Curse my chronic helper's syndrome..."

Apple Bloom backed away from my torso so I could sit up. I took a look out the window while I stretched my front legs.
"Aren't you early?" I mumbled. "Still dark out there."
"No, sir," said the filly. "Mornin's still mornin', and Applejack's waitin' fer us at the farm."
"Right, right." Through some miracle, I landed on my front hooves when I flopped out of bed. Once fully on the floor, I stretched out my legs and back like a cat. It felt strangely natural, and I smiled as my joints popped. "Just lemme make a coffee first."

I trudged out of the bedroom, and for some reason, when I turned for the kitchen, I was approaching the front door.

"No time fer coffee," declared Apple Bloom, ushering me outside. "We gotta get down there right away!"
"No time for coffee?" I whined, putting on my best bloodshot puppy-dog eyes. "Have mercy...!"
"The walk here woke me up," she said, "it'll work fer you too!"
"But you're young and spry."
"Y'all ain't old like Granny Smith," giggled Apple Bloom. "...are ya?"
"I'm a college student," I said. "Well, I was a college student..."
"'Was'?" she repeated. "Y'all one'a them 'dropouts'?"
"No!" I said defensively, then blinked. "I mean... I might be, technically. I don't-"

Just as I was about to contemplate my academic position in Equestria, a cold morning breeze shot through my body that definitely woke me up.

"When'd we get out here?!" I gasped.
"Just now, while we were chattin'," said Apple Bloom.
I glared down at her. "You distracted me."
She put on her best "Would I really steal out of the cookie jar?' smile. "Maybe y'all distracted yerself?"
"I'll get you for this," I grumbled. "I don't know when, where or how, but I will."

Apple Bloom began leading me away from my home and toward Sweet Apple Acres, seeing clearly through my fake threat.

Yet another yawn passed my lips as I trudged after Apple Bloom. The street lamps were still lit, and apart from the occasional morning jogger or work commuter, the outside of Ponyville was practically barren. Which only made sense, given it was way-too-early o'clock.

"Hey, Mr. Sharp," said Apple Bloom, causing me to shake my head into attention. "What kinda student did y'all say ya were?"
"College," I muttered. "It's basically a school for adults."
"Grown-ups still go to school?" she asked incredulously.
"If they want to," I explained. "I was working on my bachelor's in crime scene science."
The filly regarded me with an arched eyebrow. "Y'all were what-now?"
I sighed and picked my brain for the words to dumb it down, which didn't take too long given I was rather dumb myself at the moment. "I was studying to be a detective."
"Ooh!" Her eyes lit up at that. "What made ya wanna be a detective?"
I shrugged. "Ah'no, sounded fun at the time. Parents wanted me to make something of myself too."
"How come ya left then?"
"It's... hard to explain," I said carefully. "But for now, let's just say it wasn't by choice."
"Maybe yer cutie mark made ya wanna be a detective?" she wondered.
As thankful as I was for the change of subject, it did make me think for a moment. I turned and looked at the magnifying glass on my backside.
"You think so?" I asked, wanting to poach her for more information on these marks without sounding suspiciously alien to a small child.
"Well, sure," she said. "Yer cutie mark is what yer special talent is, right? So yers must mean yer real good at figurin' stuff out."

I blinked. That definitely made a lot of sense. I was mostly just using context clues and common sense, but... maybe my mark meant I was good at using them? Perhaps, if I ran out of odd jobs, I could use that knowledge to make some scratch.

I wasn't sure what to make of Apple Bloom's mark, though. A shield with an apple in it, and a heart inside the apple? I was definitely gonna need more to go on.

"Here we are," I heard her say. I looked up from watching my front hooves and saw the silhouettes of a farmhouse and a barn against the dark sky. We crossed the courtyard and entered the house. The inviting smells of cooked apple, batter and coffee beans taunted me.

"Sis! Mr. Sharp's here!" she called.
"Not so loud, Apple Bloom," hissed Applejack, stepping out of the kitchen. "Granny's still sleepin'!"
"Sorry!" she squeaked, clapping her hoof over her mouth.
"Howdy there, Sharp," she said to me, her tone much softer. "Ready fer work?"
"Ready as I'll ever be," I yawned. Applejack furrowed her brow.
"Y'all don't look ready," she noted. "D'ya even have breakfast?"
"Wasn't time," I mumbled, slowly blinking.
Her hoof said a rather aggressive howdy to her face. "Land's sakes, Apple Bloom, couldn't even let the poor guy have a coffee before ya dragged him out?"
"Y'all said ta get him over pronto," argued Apple Bloom.
"Not that pronto!" her sister groaned. "He ain't gonna be much use fallin' asleep on his hooves."
"Don't worry about it," I piped up. Not only was I too tired to be upset with the smaller Apple, but those puppy-dog eyes weren't helping my anger levels rising.
"Well, y'all can't start the day on an empty stomach," insisted Applejack, and she ushered me into the kitchen. "C'mon and fuel up, sugarcube."

I was about to insist that starting the day with little to eat was normal for a college student, but like Tartarus I was going to say no to a free meal.

After a pretty nice breakfast of toast with apple jam and coffee, I was properly all set for some manual labour. Despite the crack of dawn being upon us, I was a lot more woken up. Awake enough in fact, to pay attention to Applejack's tree-bucking lecture out in the orchard.

"So there's a science to this?" I asked.
"Ain't nothin' to it, sugarcube," she said, positioning herself so her backside faced a tree. "Just gotta give it a good ol' kick!" On the last word, she slammed her back hooves into the trunk, making a sound akin to a shotgun blast. The force was enough to send the apples falling from the branches into the buckets positioned below.
I let out an impressed whistle. "I dunno if I've got the muscles for that, though."
"Don'tcha fret none," she assured me. "Yer an Earther like me, so it'll come so natural you'll think ya done it a million times."

Easy for the professional to say.

"Try on this next one here," she went on, leading me to the next tree. "Lessee yer technique."
I wasn't sure if a first-timer could have a technique. Still, I figured I didn't have much to lose just giving it a shot. I took a moment to position my hooves and looked over my shoulder. Taking a deep breath, I did my best to follow Applejack's lead and buck the tree. The force sent me stumbling forward with a yelp, and luckily I'd fallen on my face enough to learn how to stop doing it. Though, my effort bore no fruit. As in, no apples felt like pitying me.
"How... did I do?" I asked, not really sure why I poised the question since I knew the answer from the concerned frown on Applejack's face.
"Definitely ain't the worst first buck Ah ever saw," she said, walking up to me. "Y'all sure ain't a farmboy."
"What gave it away?" I asked flatly.
"Here, lemme give ya some pointers," she said, and I watched as she put one front hoof in front of the other. "Put yer front legs like this so ya don't go fallin' on yer face when ya buck."
I looked down at my own hooves and copied her posture. Being next to another tree, I decided to try another kick. Indeed, when my back hooves hit the trunk, I stayed put. My jaw silently thanked me.
"Yeah, there ya go," said Applejack with a smile. "Now, yer kick ain't bad, but ya gotta put yer back into it. Really ram yer hooves inta that trunk." She demonstrated by kicking the air next to me full-force, and I felt my mane blow back a little. "Don't be afraid'a hurtin' yerself, we Earth Ponies're built fer legwork."

I was sure she already clocked on, but I still didn't want to tell her that this Earth Pony hadn't done a scrap of farm work in his life and had about as much physical strength as a strand of boiled spaghetti. But I was in too deep, so I had to do something. I reared back and, with a grunt, gave the tree the hardest buck I could muster.

The leaves rustled above, and I watched as some of the red fruits snapped off their branches into the buckets below.
"Now that's more like it!" whooped Applejack. "Give 'em a few more'a those!"

I honestly wasn't expecting to get results. This new body must have gotten a strength buff, which logically did make sense. And what's more, my legs hadn't turned to jelly from slamming a solid tree trunk. I couldn't deny I was starting to feel proud of myself. And so, with new vim and vigor, I kept up the pace. Kicking every trunk Applejack pointed my backside towards and watching the apples drop into the buckets into neat piles.

The sun was fully up in the sky when Applejack, Apple Bloom and I brought some real bushels into the large barn, storing them neatly inside. The girls looked quite pleased with themselves, and I could understand why. I felt the same, after all. And Applejack was right about me not needing my hoodie--all that moving around really warmed my body up against the early morning chill. The hot coffee was a big help, of course.

"Hoo-wee," sighed the older apple Pony, "got the whole orchard taken care of and it's only noon."
"Looks like Big Mac can have more dates with Sugar Belle now that we got Mr. Sharp here pickin' up the slack," giggled Apple Bloom.
My face dropped. "I'm, uh, gonna need to hit the gym before I make this a full time thing," I joked.

Not that I'd dream of setting hoof inside one of those glorified torture chambers.

"They ain't on a date, Apple Bloom," said Applejack with a roll of her eyes, then turned her head to regard me. "Can't thank ya enough fer yer help. Ya got a better kick than ya think."
"Just happy to help," I said, politely avoiding to add that I was also doing it for the cash.
"Shoot, look at all them apples!" gushed Apple Bloom. "We're gonna have so many pies and cider fer Hearth's Warmin'!"
"Sorry, kiddo," smirked Applejack, ruffling her sister's mane, "yer still on the apple juice this year."
"But Ah got mah cutie mark now!" Apple Bloom argued, puffing her cheeks.
"Yer cutie mark ain't a cider drinkin' license," her sister said flatly. "And Ah might have to start usin' them apples, cuz Ah was gonna have one of the leftover fritters but somepony must'a got 'em before me."

I was about to interject and inquire about my payment, but the way Apple Bloom's ears drooped from her sister's glare made me quickly change topic.

"Uhh, that was me," I admitted, raising a hoof.
Both sisters looked at me with cocked eyebrows. "Say what now?" asked Applejack.
"When I went to the bathroom earlier," I said. "They smelled really good so I had a couple on my way back. That's my bad."
Her gaze softened at that. "Ahh, well, can't really blame ya fer that. Them fritters were Granny Smith's recipe, and ain't nopony spat one back out yet."
"You sure it's okay?" I asked. "You looked like you were gonna buck her into next winter."
"S'only fritters, sugarcube," she assured me. "This lil' gremlin is just a real nightmare when ya leave treats sittin' around."
"Look who's talkin'!" squeaked Apple Bloom. "Ah heard stories from Granny Smith about you an' her fritters!"
"Stories that our friend here don't gotta know about," Applejack hissed, clapping a hoof over her sister's mouth.

No no, I think I gotta know. It could be useful information.

"Anywho," she went on with an awkward smile, "lemme just run in and getcher payment. Ah promised ya some bits fer yer time, after all."
I watched her almost sprint for the farm house, no doubt to avoid any follow-up questions regarding fritters. I was left alone with the younger Apple, who fixed me with a curious glance.
"T'weren't you who ate them fritters, though," she said, confusion filling her voice.
"I know," I said, then added with a smirk, "but you might wanna wash the back of your left leg before your sister catches on."
Her eyes went as wide as dinner plates and she lifted her left front leg. Indeed, the back of it had a few crumbs on it. "How did ya...?"
"They weren't there before your trip to the bathroom," I explained. "You had a real spring in your step when you came back as well, so I figured you were pretty pleased about something. Guess you had a snack break."
She looked rather impressed. "How'd ya even notice that?"
"I... I have no idea." I blinked. It was such a minute detail that anyone would miss, yet I locked onto it and figured out the cause right away.
"Y'all really are a detective," she chirped. "Ooh, maybe it was yer cutie mark?"
I went to laugh off the suggestion, but then I looked back at it. The magnifying glass on my backside. "You think so?"
"Maybe it means yer really good at figurin' out stuff by findin' smaller stuff?" she suggested.

That certainly made sense to me. Magnifying glasses were made to look at things in extra detail. A perfect tool for investigators. Maybe that was my calling? Or it could've just been a fluke.

Either way, it was something to ponder.

"There ya are!" a new voice snapped from toward the farm house. I looked over and my own eyes bulged out when I saw some kind of green-furred skeleton of a Pony shambling up to me. "What's yer business with mah granddaughters then, eh?!"
"Granny, please," Applejack groaned next to her, "he ain't up ta nothin' fishy. He's just here fillin' in fer Big Mac."
"Oh, stealin' mah grandson's job, are ya?" the elderly mare growled, prodding a bony hoof on my chest. "Y'all got some serious nerve, sonny!"
"Uhh," I muttered, backing up. "Ma'am, I assure you I am not interested in your grandson's job."
"Eh?" she scowled. "What's wrong with his job, then? Sweet Apple Acres's been a pillar of the Ponyville community fer years, ya lil' whippersnapper!"
"I didn't mean it like that!" I yelped. "I-I just, uh...!"
"Granny Smith gets pretty cranky when she's just woke up," Apple Bloom muttered in my ear.
"Sorry about this, Sharp," sighed Applejack, tossing me a pouch. "Here's yer bits. Thanks again fer yer help."
"Givin' away yer bits to a stranger?" asked Granny Smith. "Applejack, Ah taught ya better'n that!" She turned her attention back to me, fixing me with eyes like a tiger about to tear a small mouse to shreds. "Y'all wait right here while Ah get mah whackin' cane!"

The three of us watched her hobble off back to the farm house, grumbling under her breath. I caught at least one "Back in my day" which I could scratch off my mental bingo card.
"Y'all might wanna run," Applejack advised me. "She ain't kiddin' about that whackin' cane."
"No, I'm sure she isn't," I muttered, swallowing."
"Real sorry about that," she sighed, shaking her head. "Ah'll smooth things over with her. Don't be afraid ta come back now."
"Yeah, don't be a stranger," added Apple Bloom with a grin. "Ah can show ya mah friends' clubhouse sometime!"
"That sounds great," I said with a nervous smile. "Yeah, I think I'll come back when death by cane is less likely."

I said my goodbyes to the two sisters and trotted off back to town. A chilly breeze sent a shiver through my body. Now that I wasn't bucking apple trees or being threatened by an octogenarian, the cold was doing its dirty work once again.

Still, I jingled the pouch in my hoof. The start of some Hearth's Warming spending money. Maybe I could get some decorations, and hopefully I'll have enough for gifts. I needed to make a list of who to get gifts for.

Rivershine, maybe Applejack since she helped me when I first got here, Rarity's been really cool to me... maybe getting one for Twilight would show I'm not sore at her for the whole 'dumping you in another world without your consent' thing...

And I stopped. Why did I want to get Rivershine a gift? Sure, I had reasons for the others, but her? I had no idea. It's not that I didn't like her, she was nice and all, but... I suddenly pictured myself giving her a wrapped box and her hitting me with a smile that could melt a few polar icecaps...

And I shook it out of my head.

She's just a friend, Sharp. Just a friend. Friends get each other gifts, don't they? It's totally platonic, nothing weird. Plus she's not the 'warm smile' type--she'll probably just thank you and call you a doofus.

...or is she the 'warm smile' type?

"Gah!" I shook my head again. "Focus, man. Decorations first, then gifts. You don't even know what anypony likes yet!"

I trotted back to my place and grabbed my hoodie and saddlebags. I looked around as I did so; apart from the nice furniture, the place could have used a little sprucing up. The living room had a free corner that I could picture a fake pine tree fitting in easily.

"Back to Barnyard Bargains for the afternoon, I guess," I decided, stuffing the pouch in my bag with my other bits. "Joy."

14 - Decked in the Halls

"Rivershine made this look so easy," I lamented as I trudged along the aisle of boxed Hearth's Warming trees. Without a good idea of how big each one was, I was scared of buying one that would poke its prickly plastic branches out of every window in my house.

Probably should've taken measurements or something, smart guy.
"Go complain to Past Sharp. It's his fault, not mine."
Is time travel a thing here? Dimensional travel certainly is, so it might not be all that out there.
"Maybe I'll ask Twilight at some point. She's probably screwed around with a few timelines."

"Um, do you need help, sir?" a voice piped up. I turned and saw a Pegasus stallion wearing a Barnyard Bargains work shirt and a concerned face.
"Just arguing with myself," I said flatly. "Is that not normal?"
The Pegasus blinked and turned to walk off, but against my voluntary introversion, I called him back.
"Wait, there is something I need help with. I'm looking for a Hearth's Warming tree, but I'm not sure which size I should get."
"Oh, that happens all the time," he assured me, and gestured over his shoulder. "There's a size chart at the end of the aisle there, that should help you."
My eyes widened. That would help. Like, a lot. "Oh, thanks a lot."

I trotted over to said chart and took a look-see. Each size tree was depicted by a sketch of a pine with a different sized Pony doodle next to it. I tapped my hoof on my chin as I studied the chart.

Finally, I pointed to the 'Large' part. "That one."

To my great relief, there was only one large tree left. I grabbed the box and hoisted it over my shoulder. Somehow, I had some pretty good balance on three legs. Considering I could barely use all four some days ago, this was some serious progress.

I was about to head to the checkout, but a thought occurred. "Gonna need some lights, I guess," I mused. "Some tinsel and stuff as well."

I tracked down the aisle holding the lights and grabbed a set, then grabbed a pack of tinsel streams. Then I spotted a pack of tree ornaments I liked, that had cute little doodles of Twilight and her friends on it. It was around when I picked up a holly wreath when I realised I'd have to do the walk of shame to the front of the store to grab a cart. And it was more of a shamble of shame with the balancing act I found myself doing. I just about got to the carts before the stuff toppled into one, in surprisingly neat order. I could easily fit some more stuff in there.

Think of your wallet, Sharp.

Right, right. I was on a budget. Still at risk of being kicked out until I paid off my mortgage. I felt like the Mayor wasn't cruel enough to throw me into the street during Hearth's Warming season, but she was a political figure.

That job offer was still in the window, and I hated how tempting it was becoming. I defiantly turned my back to it and rolled the cart around the store to see what would catch my eye.

Far more than I expected, for sure.

I ended up leaving Barnyard Bargains with a new tree, lights, streams of tinsel, boxes of ornaments, a holly wreath, some crappy little plastic snowponies, and a wooden sign that read "Windigos Not Welcome!" that was too bizarre for me to resist. I made a mental note to ask River for context when I next saw her.

Needless to say, my spine was not friends with me at the moment. The tree made up the bulk of the weight I was lugging back to my house, but y'know, straws and camel's backs.

My wallet wasn't best pleased with me either. I'd promised myself I'd watch my spending, but there was definitely something about the holiday season that made coffer straps loosen without their owners' knowledge.

My first Hearth's Warming in Equestria and I was already a mess.

I'd certainly have to worry about paying my loan when the new year rolled in, but I'd trip over that bridge when I came to it. For the moment, I had a house to spruce up.

Without opposable thumbs, I mentally noted with an audible groan.

Once I stumbled through the door, I tried to be as gentle as possible when I dumped the bags on the floor. Though, now that I had what I needed, another problem reared its festively-coloured head.

Where the heck was I going to put it all?

I trotted into the living room and tapped my hoof against my chin. After a moment, I pointed to a bare corner adjacent to the couch. "Tree goes there."

I picked up the tree box and propped it up against the wall in the corner. Once I'd decided where everything would go, I'd worry about properly putting it there. I looked at the pack of tinsel and wondered where all that could go. Maybe I could do that pretty spiral thing on the banister with it.

Then I mentally facehoofed.

Yes, Sharp, put it around the banister of your one floor home.

"Shut up in there."

I tossed the pack onto the couch, deciding to just drape the stuff over the backrest or something. This was so much easier as a kid--I just had to do what Mom and Dad said. Though, the most they trusted me with was hanging baubles on the tree. Not a promising sign.

I didn't have a front lawn to put those crappy snowponies on, either. Maybe I could put them next to the porch or something?

At least I was sure my special talent wasn't interior design.

I decided to start with the thing I was most sure about: the holly wreath. I ripped open the flap on the box, tore off the plastic wrapping with my teeth like a dog trying to reach a bone, and was delighted to see it came with a complimentary hook.

Easy-peasy. Tradition says the wreath goes on the front--...door.

I had opened up just as Rivershine rang the doorbell. The two of us stared at each other for a moment, and I wasn't sure which of us was the more surprised.

"Can you smell me coming now?" she finally asked, that grin of hers returning to her face.
"Oh, uh," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks warm up, "I-I was just, uh, hanging the, um, the thing."
"On the door? Very retro," said River. "Actually, funny story. I actually came over about decorating. Mine, to be exact."
"I'm not exactly a designer," I confessed. "I barely have any idea what to do on my end."
"Oh no, I don't need critique," she said, then started to awkwardly rub a front hoof behind her head. "Remember when you offered to help me with my lights? I was kinda sorta maybe hoping to call in that favour?"

Normally, I'd be a bit aghast that somepony would so brazenly take something I said off-hoof seriously. But the look on her face told me she really needed help. Considering she did kinda save my life when we first met, I felt like I owed her one. Plus, I wasn't about to just tell her to take a hike just because I had my own thing going on. Somepony else, maybe, but not her.

"It's a real mess over there, lemme tell ya," she went on. "I'll repay you by helping you set up your own stuff when we're done."
Now that was a tempting offer. I could some more experienced hooves on this decorating thing. Particularly more experience with hooves.
"Oh, if I must," I said with my own cheeky smile, setting the wreath down against the wall. "This stuff's not going anywhere. Unless somepony robs me."
"Stealing Hearth's Warming decorations would be pretty desperate," snorted River. "Let's went."

I grabbed my hoodie and closed the door behind me before I followed River down the street. And my heart skipped a beat when I realised something.

Rivershine had just invited me to her house!

I tried to contain that it irritated me that Rivershine's house was nicer than mine. Being set just outside of town meant she had more room for her own garden, complete with picket fence. She had her own not-so-crappy snowponies set out in it. Mine would hide their plastic faces in shame if they saw these things.

"Welcome to the lair," she said, leading me through the front door. "Watch your step--dunno if I got all the mess."

Inside was definitely a lot comfier looking than my place. Naturally most of her festive stuff was already set out, and the shelves were lined with framed photos and charming knick-knacks that gave me ideas on how to spruce up at home. I'd need to find a place to develop camera film, as well as somepony to be in the photo with. Having photos of just yourself around your house just sounded creepy.

She led me into the living room, where a big tree was set up just behind an armchair. Even bare and synthetic, it was an impressive specimen. I hoped mine was similar and that I hadn't just shelled out for some twigs with needles on them.

"Mom always said the lights go first," said River, nodding to the stream of tangled wire on the couch. "Because it's the worst part about the tree, so you might as well get it out of the way."
"Sounds like my dad would like her," I joked. "So, shall we do this?"
"We shall. Pray for us."

If you've ever put up a Christmas tree in your life, or watched your folks do it, you probably have some idea of how this went down. Even in Equestria, that seemingly benevolent stream of pretty colours, made to represent wamrth and good cheer, were the holiday season's mortal enemy.

"I haven't touched this in a year," River complained as she tugged at the wire, "how did it get tangled?"
"Must've been the Hearth's Warming elves sneaking up to mess with you," I said dryly.
"Nah, I whack some elf spray around the attic once a month so I haven't had any trouble with them," she replied in a delivery so matter-of-fact I was convinced she was telling the truth.

Once that debacle was over, step two was putting the lights on the tree. A little easier than step one, but that wasn't saying much.

"Turn on, you stupid thing!" growled River, nearly stomping the switch on the wire into the ground.
"Maybe one of them is broken?" I suggested.
"Nah, it's just being awkward. Lemme try something..."

River joined me in contorting herself around the tree. Whatever she was doing, it didn't sound pleasant.

"There we go," she said, going back to press the switch. I squinted as the small bulbs flickered to life. "Bingo!"
"Are they meant to be blinking?" I asked.
"Oh for--I don't have them set to 'blink'!" The Unicorn released another drawn-out groan. "Hold on a sec."

At this point, I was sure we were wrapped around the tree better than the lights.

"You're a Unicorn," I pointed out, "can't you just use magic or something?"
"Oh no, I'm doing this by hoof," she said firmly. "I'm not going through last year again."

Finally, after what felt like hours, the stupid bulbs were wrapped around the tree and alight in a way that River deemed satisfactory. We both let out a sigh of relief and flopped onto our backsides to rest our legs for a bit.

"Well," she finally said, "that sucked."
"Big time," I agreed, still panting as I glanced at my hooves. "And I thought walking was hard with these things."
River looked at me with a cocked eyebrow. "Huh?"
I bit my lip. "Um, nothing. Bad joke. Let's get the other stuff on the tree, huh?"
"Yeah," River agreed, thankfully not pressing the matter. "Let's get this dumb tree out of the way."

As I grabbed a stream of red tinsel from a cardboard box that reeked like stale plastic and awkward memories, I couldn't help but wonder: When would be a good time to tell her? That I was actually from another world and only ran into her by accident? Should I even tell her at all? How would she take it? Would she call me crazy and push me away?

For some reason, that last one made a lump form in my throat. My drinking buddies from the human world or Twilight and the other Elements, I could live without. But the thought of driving away Rivershine, the first real friend I'd made here... I had no idea why, but it frightened me.

I walked around the tree to hang up the tinsel and met her halfway around with her blue tinsel, and we accidentally booped each other on the nose. We stayed in contact for a second, looking into each other's eyes, before awkwardly taking a step back, chuckling and going back on our ways. No doubt she saw me blushing, because I certainly saw it on her.

She had some really pretty ornaments to hang on her tree. I wasn't an expert, but some of them looked like antiques. She told me how some of them had been in her family as far back as her great-grandparents, but her favourite was one that was crudely painted green, with what she said was her name scrawled on it.

"I painted this dumb thing in kindergarten," she explained, holding it in her magic. "Doesn't look like much, I know, but my parents were so proud of me when I showed it to them."
"They sound like good folks," I said. "Do they live in town?"
"Nah, they've got a place in Manehattan," she said, hanging it on a branch.

I blinked. Had I heard that right? Manehattan? She couldn't be serious.

"I'm actually gonna go over in a few days," she went on. "Poke my head in while I'm out shopping."
"I'll go with you," I blurted out. "Um, I mean, I gotta do some shopping too, so, yeah."
"Sounds good," she said, to my great relief. "I'll need some help fending off the frenzied shoppers."
"I'll bring a good stick."
"You'd better."

By the time we had finally finished the tree, as well as some other little decorating things, it was pitch black outside.

"Oh Sharp, I'm sorry," Rivershine frowned, looking out the window. "I didn't think I'd take this long."
"Don't sweat it," I assured her with a smile. "My decorations aren't going anywhere, probably. Besides, I had fun."
"Yeah, it was fun, huh?" She looked at me with her own smile. I got goosebumps. "Thanks so much for your help. I promise I'll come over and return the favour."
"I'd sure love the company," I said. "I'll stock up on hot cocoa."
"It's a date," she agreed. "Wow, we're sure spending a lot of time together, huh?"
"I promise I'll give you a break," I joked. "I'll definitely leave you and your family alone during Hearth's Warming."
"Hey, don't be a stranger," she assured me. "I think Pop would like you."

I pulled on my hoodie and said goodnight to River before heading home with a real spring in my step. I couldn't get that one moment of physical contact out of my head. We just touched noses for a second, yet it felt like an eternity. She had such pretty eyes too, so that certainly helped. Which was weird, because normally I wasn't a big fan of prolonged eye contact.

That's when it hit me.

I had a crush on Rivershine.

15 - Fairytale of Manehattan

The next day, Rivershine made good on her promise and came over to help me decorate my own place. Naturally, she was a little perplexed to see I hadn't made a start yet, but that didn't seem to bother her. We started by getting my tree out of the way, which was easier than I expected for a number of reasons. It opened like an umbrella and sat comfortably in the stand it came with, and with our practice the night before, putting the lights and tinsel up was free of hassle and accidental nose boops.

I couldn't help but feel disappointed about the latter.

"This is all new stuff, huh?" she asked, noting how clean my decorations looked. "Fresh start?"
I hesitated for a second before answering, "Something like that. My parents are still holding onto our holiday heirlooms."
"Where are they living?" she asked. Crap.
"Oh, they're, um, out of Equestria," I said, which technically wasn't a lie. Thankfully she didn't press further.

The house was looking much more festive when we were done. We even found a little spot for my snowponies underneath the tree. Despite them being unfeeling plastic husks bought on the cheap, I couldn't help but feel like they were happy down there. As I promised, I thanked River with a free mug of hot cocoa.

"And a marshmallow?" she said, grinning at me. "What a good mare I've been this year."
"Thought you deserved a bonus," I shot back, before we clanked the mugs together. I tried not to think too hard about how mine was connecting to my hoof like it were magnetised. For the sake of my brain having way too many questions about my equine body, I just chalked it up to 'Pony Magic.'

A few days later, we began the trip to Manehattan. As the days counted down toward Hearth's Warming the snow got heavier, to the point it was starting to stay on the ground, but my hoodie managed to keep me good and toasty. Wasn't sure I could say the same about River, since I caught her shivering once or twice despite her scarf. Maybe I could ask Rarity to make her up a nice coat?

Thankfully, the train was nice and warm, so she was good and relaxed when we sat down. The car had some tinsel strewn above the windows, and the speakers were playing Hearth's Warming songs. We got ourselves a cup of coffee each from the trolley, and I found myself staring out the window. The grassy plains and fields were slowly turning white from the snowfall, and it made my heart flutter.

"You like riding the train, huh?" I turned and saw River smiling at me, and my cheeks nearly went hotter than my coffee.
"I-I've just always liked snow, is all," I said. "Ever since I was little, watching everywhere get covered in it always gave me this great feeling. School's out, presents are coming, great food, stuff like that."
"I hear you," she grinned, sipping her coffee. "There's totally something magical about it. Really gets you in the spirit of the season."

We took a moment to really let the view sink in, just as a particularly jaunty tune came on the speakers. A real hoof-tapper with horns that sounded like its players were having a blast.

Take a look at everything around you,
All the smells that surely will astound you.
Open up your heart, it will surround you,
In the magic of Hearth's Warming Eve!

Now that was a number I could get behind. One that just wanted you to have a good time instead of yanking at your heartstrings. I found my head bobbing to it, and I even caught Rivershine singing along.

"The little things that make it better,
Little Ponies spreading cheer.
Give a toy, a hug, a sweater,
Memories that last all year!"

She turned and saw my dung-eating smirk, and it was her cheeks' turn to flush red. "What? It's my favourite Hearth's Warming song."
"Oh, don't mind me," I said, smirk unwavering. "Just wishing I had a video camera to show this to your parents."
"At least I don't dance with four left hooves," she said, nudging me. "Like somepony."
"How do you know?" I asked. "I might just be a great dancer, for all you know."
"You could barely walk twenty feet without falling on your face some months ago." She returned the dung-eating smirk. "Oh yes, I saw you shambling around town. Though, gotta give you credit--you're a fast learner."

As she started tapping her hooves to the musical solo, I couldn't help but think about how she worded that. Did she know something? About how I got here?

She lives in Ponyville. Of course she's gonna notice a weirdo like you.

I shook my head. Right, I was just overthinking things. Besides, I didn't want to ruin her good vibe with an interrogation.

Though, when I got confident enough to dance with these hooves, I was gonna kick her butt on the floor. Some day.

Manehattan certainly made an impression on me when we arrived. The moment we stepped outside the station, I was bumped and nudged by passers-by rushing for a train. I watched a pedestrian and the driver of a taxi carriage exchanging choice words. The former was a griffon, so he was able to add some very friendly gestures to get his points across.

"Welcome to Manehattan," said Rivershine. "What do you think?"
"Definitely reminds me of my old hometown," I said. "Only the air is a bit cleaner here."
She grinned at that. "So, we've got a few hours to kill. How about we just wander around a bit?"
"You sure wandering's a good idea in this city?"
"It'll be fine," she assured me. "My folks live in Bronclyn, and no matter where we are, I know how to get there."
"Yeah? How?"
"Follow the smell."

With that, Rivershine began giving me a personal tour of the big landmarks around the city. She showed me the Crystaller Building, which had a giant horse head on top, and the Mare Statue, which was a giant green Pony in a robe carrying a torch. I was convinced both of them were put there specially to mess with me. Then we moved deeper in, ducking and weaving through the rampant crowds, until we found ourselves in what she called Bridleway. She told me how this district was the hotspot for plays in musicals for Equestria. I wasn't sure if I wanted to question how deadpan she sounded, going on like a beleaguered guide on her third group of noisy schoolkids for the day.

Since we were close to the shopping district, she put a pin on the tour guide bit and we got to perusing. There were toy shops and jewellery stores of course, but I didn't think there was a big enough crowd for rock pouches to warrant its own business. And quite a successful one, according to the number of customers inside. Then some barrel-shaped stallion in a top hat calling himself Stinky Bottom tried to drag me toward his cart full of discount hats. Rivershine approved of my quick scuttling in the opposite direction.

"What kinda stuff are you looking for, anyway?" I finally asked when the two of us ducked into a music shop named Beat Roots to skim some records. "Who do you need gifts for?"
"Oh, just my parents and a couple of friends," said River. I noted her split-second glance in my direction. "You?"
"Same here," I half-lied. Even if I found something here that my parents would be interested in, I wasn't sure how I was going to get it to them unless the Equestria Postal Service could travel between dimensions. Something else I'd have to ask Twilight about when I saw her next.

Twilight, right. Maybe I should get something for her, just to show I'm not sore at her about the whole 'plonking me in a new world without my consent' thing. Applejack helped me get on my feet... hooves, so maybe something for her. Rarity's been so nice to me as well, I should at least repay her with a little something. I never thanked Pinkie for that house party either--even if I didn't ask for it, it pointed me in the right direction for some answers. Rainbow Dash seems cool, though if only I could place where I first met her. And Fluttershy... well, I'd feel really bad if I left her out. And Discord would probably kill me.

I added the six mares to my mental gift list. Nothing too big, just some nice little knick-knacks to say, "Thanks for not leaving me face-down in the dirt."

I glanced toward Rivershine, She was top of the list, and had Big Gift Priority. I couldn't deny that I was getting feelings for her, but as good as I was getting at reading Ponies, she was still pretty enigmatic. Only letting out hints she allowed me to catch. I was hoping a thoughtful gift would, if not outright confirm how she felt for me, at least push her feelings into the reciprocating direction.

That left only one question thumping my brain: What in Tartarus should I get her?

"Ooh, vintage," River muttered, lifting a record. "She'd like this." I craned my neck over and saw a very extravagantly dressed mare posing on the sleeve, smile on her very pointy face. On the top was the name 'Sapphire Shores.'

Good for whoever she was mulling over, but I wished she'd give me a hint to what she wanted.

"You a fan?" I asked, deciding it was a good time to try and delve in.
"She's okay," she said with a shrug. "Coloratura is more my jam. Her stuff's got more bite, y'know? Razzle Dazzle goes so hard."
"Oh, absolutely," I said with a nod, pretending to understand what she was talking about.

Okay, that's one idea: Find out whoever this Coloratura is and get River something related to her.

"Ooh, her new album's out!" Somehow, without me noticing, River had moved herself to the CD section and was looking up at a life-sized cardboard Pony. This one showed a significantly less-pointy mare, with a curly dark mane and a studded pink jacket with a popped collar. Presumably another singer.
"Coloratura?" I guessed.
"Yup," she grinned. "Apparently she went back to her old pop style but added some more soul to it. It's been getting great reviews." She frowned at the empty shelves. "Too bad it's already sold out."

Well, that was easy. Now that I know who to look for, I just had to find something related to her.

"Anywho," she finally said, her chipper tone returning, "wanna hit up the flea market?"
"There's a flea market here?" I asked. "In the big city?"
"Well, it's near Bronclyn. C'mon, I'll show you."

The flea market wasn't nearly as frantic as the shopping district, but there was still a sizeable crowd. Somehow, part of me was expecting Equestria's idea of a flea market was a store that sold tiny bugs that made you itch. But sure enough, it was a collection of stalls selling previously owned goods looking for a new home. Books with yellowed pages, toys with wear and tear, jewellery that needed a bit of polish, the works. Definitely a lot cosier around here.

"Much quieter around here, huh?" asked Rivershine as we slowly walked along. "Mom and Dad used to take me here all the time."
"City centre too busy?" I guessed.
"Not really, I just really liked coming here." She looked like she was going to elaborate, but her face brightened up as she looked ahead. "And would ya look at that?"
"Look at what?" I followed her gaze, not finding anything particularly eye-catching.

She trotted ahead and stopped at an older mare and stallion by a stall of small wooden sculptures. They exchanged hugs and talked fondly with each other before she beckoned me over. The mare was a Pegasus on the stocky side, with a lime green coat and a mane as blue as her daughter's in a loose ponytail hanging over her shoulder. Her cutie mark was of some musical notes, the heads shaped like hearts. Her purple eyes hosted light-hearted curiosity.
The stallion was a tan-brown Unicorn, with a short darker brown mane, and he had legs that could definitely trample me if I stepped out of line. His yellow-eyed gaze was a lot more judging, his bushy brown moustache twitching a little. I didn't know Ponies could have moustaches. His rolling pin cutie mark surprised me; I had him pegged more for a bodybuilder than a cook of some kind.

"This is Sharp Sight," she said once I was close enough. "Sharp, this is Lakesong and Hard Dough. My mom and dad."

Uh oh.

"Um, nice to meet you," I said, holding out a hoof.
"Such a gentlecolt," said Lakesong approvingly, shaking it. "River was just telling us about you."
"Told us how you saved her from a timberwolf," Hard Dough added in a hard Bronclyn accent, lifting his own tree trunk-sized hoof to slap it on my shoulder. "You're a good stallion, Sharp."
For that moment, all I knew was gratitude and leg pain. "Th-thanks..."
"Wow, lucky you," said River. "Dad normally starts by trying to kill any stallion who comes near me."
"That's no invitation for you to mess my daughter around, got it?" He narrowed his eyes.
"Yes, sir," I squeaked.

And for reasons that were completely unrelated to the way Hard Dough was glaring at me, I suddenly needed the bathroom.

"Where's Pudding?" River piped up, in a tactful attempt to change the subject.
"Oh, he's around here somewhere," said Lakesong just as quickly. "We were going to have another once-over before heading back to the neighbourhood - the Method Mares are doing a little show in the park tonight."
"No kidding?" River's face lit up. "Looks like we picked the right day to show up, Sharp."

My blank face got some surprised looks from the parents.

"He's from out of town," said River.
"It's a great time," said Dough. "We've got plenty of time before it starts, so we can show Country Boy here around the market for a bit."
"Country Boy?" I repeated, blinking.
"Don't take it personally," his wife said, rolling her eyes. "He thinks everypony outside Manehattan is from the country."
"Well, ain't they?"

I wasn't from this city in particular, but I wasn't about to try and tell a Pony the size (and no doubt strength) of a train that I was from another dimension.

"Yo, check it out!" I turned and saw a chocolate-brown Pegasus colt swoop up to us, his green quiff bobbing in the wind. "I got a Fluttershy rookie card! Oh, hey sis!" he added upon seeing Rivershine.
"Hey, squirt," she smiled, ruffling his quiff with her hoof. "Nice find."
"Cloud Sprint had no idea what he had," he said, adjusting his quiff. And then he spotted me. "Who're you?"
"This is my pal from Ponyville, Sharp Sight," River answered for me. "Sharp, this is my baby brother, Pudding Pop."
"Aww, cute name," I blurted out. Pudding puffed out his cheeks with a glare.
"I ain't cute, wise guy!" he growled. "I'm a buckball star in the makin'!"

Before I could ask what a buckball was, Rivershine started ushering me forward. "C'mon, there's some neat stuff around here if you know where to look. Then we'll hit the park for the show."

I simply let myself follow River's family. Country Boy was about to get a lesson in Manehattan culture.

After picking up some knick-knacks in the flea market, Rivershine and her family led me into Bronclyn. I wasn't surprised to see them getting a warm reception from their neighbours, River getting a few welcome-backs, but all the hellos and nice-to-meet-yous getting thrown in my direction I didn't see coming. I was a complete stranger, but I was being welcomed like a family member. And not the politically incorrect one you had to put up with during the holiday get-togethers.

"Ever since Coco Pommel brought back the Midsummer Theatre Revival," Lakesong explained to me as we walked, "the neighbourhood's really gotten its sense of community back."
"You can take Charity Kindheart outta Bronclyn," Hard Dough added, "but ya can't take her outta the locals."
"Theatre Revival?" I repeated. "Is that what we're going to see?"
"Why would they have the Midsummer Theatre Revival in winter?" asked Pudding Pop with a raise of his eyebrow.
My cheeks warmed against the cold. "Oh, it's not a thing that happens for all seasons?"
"Nah, the Theatre Revival is summer only," said Rivershine. "This is just a little thing the Method Mares are doing while they're in the neighbourhood. I'll take you to next year's Revival though. I think you'd like it."
"I'll see what I think of this performance first."

We entered what a plaque called the Kindheart Theatrical Park, which was a large space dominated by quite an impressive outdoor stage. Quite a crowd was gathered before it, settled down on cushions and biting into warm snacks provided by nearby carts. We got seats on some warmed cushions and Hard Dough treated us all to a cup of hot cocoa, which made the mug I made Rivershine the other day taste like dirt.

"Your mom mentioned somepony," I murmured to River next to me while we waited for the show to start. "Coco Pops or something?"
"Coco Pommel," she corrected. "She's a fashion designer who used to help with the Revival as a filly. And after Charity moved away, Coco, well, revived it. Then the locals all got together to restore the park here."
"Did you take part with that?"
"We all did," River smiled proudly. "Even Pudding got his hooves dirty. He loves buckball and everything, but he loves acting just as much," she added in a hush.
"Is he now?" I whispered.
"Dressed up all the time while I was still living with the folks. And Dad said his school did a Hearth's Warming pageant last week, and he absolutely killed it as Commander Hurricane."
"I just got to wear a cool costume, is all," Pudding piped up, leaning toward us from River's other side. "And I got the coolest lines. Was just a dumb play besides that," he quickly added, puffing out his cheeks.

I'll take 'Theatre Kid in Denial' for five-hundred bits.

It wasn't long before the play began, and I got to see the Method Mares at work. At first, I was dubious at first to see that it was a four-Pony show (and only two were actual mares). This play was about a grumpy Unicorn named Snowfall Frost creating a spell to delete the day of Hearth's Warming itself from the calendar, but three spirits of Hearth's Warming visit her to show her the error of her ways and make her appreciate the holiday.

A story with a lot of characters, both named and background. But somehow, the Method Mares made it work. When I reminded myself that there were only four Ponies up there, I was surprised all the more. Their wide range of costumes, voices and physical acting really drew me in, and I could follow what was happening perfectly. The fact I'd seen a similar story told back in my old world didn't even matter. This was far more impressive.

When it was over, I found myself clapping my hooves as the actors took their curtain call. I certainly wasn't the only one, of course, but I didn't think I'd enjoy a play as much as I did.

"Impressed?" asked River.
"Very," I admitted. "Ponies really are capable of such amazing things."
"I hear that." We both looked over to see Pudding applauding quite a bit for a colt who wasn't that into performing.

When we left the park, we heard the loud, deep chimes of bells nearby. Quite a lot of them.
"Wow, it's that late already?" asked Lakesong. "That play went on for a while."
"Maybe we should get home?" I suggested. Rivershine didn't look so eager.
"Oh, uh," she muttered, giving me a sheepish grin, "I think the last train for the day left an hour ago. Whoops."
My pupils dilated. "Huh? Then how are we getting back?"
"We're... not. Not tonight, anyway."
"Then you can stay with us for the night," said Hard Dough. "Your room's the same as you left it, River. Well, except you can see the floor now."
"How dare you," River grinned.
"Well, that's you taken care of," I said. "It was great to meet you all, but I should go and find a bench before they're all claimed."
"What're you talkin' about?" asked Dough. "When I said you can stay with us, I meant both of you."
I halted mid-step and looked at him. "You did?"
"You've done good by our daughter," Lakesong agreed. "The least we can do is give you a roof over your head for the night."

I felt a tug at my heartstrings. Maybe it was just holiday spirit, but the offer was too generous to turn down. Especially not from such nice Ponies.

"Don't get any ideas," grumbled Hard Dough. "It's the couch or it's an alley."

I chose couch. And life.

16 - Play Ball

That was a surprisingly comfy couch. Easily in my top five.

Rivershine's folks lived in a spacious-enough apartment near Kindheart Park, so I was grateful to get warm sooner rather than later. Lakesong even gave me a spare blanket, bless her. The least I could do was refrain from drooling on the cushion in my sleep.

I spent a considerable chunk of the next morning washing off the curly moustache and large glasses somepony drew on my face with marker. Pudding Pop was my prime suspect in that regard, but given the smirks he shared with his sister, I couldn't help but think River wasn't above doing the dirty deed herself.

The five of us were soon sat at the table, digging into breakfast. Can't go wrong with toast, hash browns and scrambled egg.

"You comin' up for air?" asked Hard Dough, watching his son inhale his breakfast.
"Shorry," he mumbled through stuffed cheeks, before swallowing. "I'm meeting the guys at the field, so I gotta be fast."
"You're gonna be sick if you keep that up," Dough remarked. "And besides, we got a guest."
"Oh, he's not bothering me," I assured him. If anything, I was enjoying the breakfast time entertainment.
"I suppose you two are heading back to Ponyville today?" asked Lakesong.
"We'd better," said Rivershine. "I gotta clean the place up for you guys coming over."
"And I gotta, well, do holiday things," I said, shrugging. "Wrap presents and stuff, y'know?"
"Do you have to go right now, sis?" asked Pudding. "I thought maybe you could show my friends that trick."
"What trick?" asked River. "I know a few of those."
"The buckball one. Y'know, with the bucket?"
"Oh, that one. Well, I suppose I can always catch the afternoon train."
Pudding cheered and turned to look at me. Then his eyes lit up like a switch flicked in his brain. "Wait a sec--we've got a whole team here!"
I tilted my head. "A what-now?"
"Pegasus, Unicorn, Earth Pony," he said, pointing to himself, River and me in that order. "We could totally go up against the guys!"
"Hey, there's an idea," River agreed. "We can show your friends a thing or two."

My eyes darted between the two siblings until I realised I was being drafted into what sounded like a team sport. The one thing worse than the military.

"We?" I repeated.
"Do you play buckball, Sharp?" asked Pudding.
"Um, not really." I didn't even know what buckball was.
"C'mon, it'll be fun," River insisted, looking right in my eyes. "I'll show you the ropes.
"Um, sure, sounds fun," I blurted out. The complete opposite of what I wanted to say. What kind of Unicorn spell did she put on me?
"Sweet!" Pudding hopped off his chair and swooped toward the front door. "C'mon!"
"Wait just a sec, young stallion," said Hard Dough. "You forgettin' somethin'?"
"Oh, uh, I'll be back before dark."
"The other somethin'." The patriarch of the apartment nodded toward the empty plate his son left behind.
"Oh." He frowned and hovered back over.

River and I suppressed our smirks as we cleaned our own plates afterward, then we walked into the hallway, River's parents staying behind the doorway.

"Thanks a lot for taking me in last night," I said. "I'd have probably frozen otherwise."
"Now don't you be a stranger, Sharp," said Lakesong, putting a front leg around me in a hug. "If you find yourself stranded in Bronclyn, look us up."
"As long as you keep doing our girl right," added Hard Dough with a glint. "Keep an eye on this boy, honey."
"Oh, he'd be in the river without me," giggled Rivershine. Said glint kept my snarky remark inside my brain where it belonged. "I'll see you in a couple of weeks?"
"Count on it," said her mom as they hugged.

As River and I followed Pudding down the hall, I couldn't help but think what a nice family River had. And then I thought of my own parents back in the human world.

I should ask Twilight if I can call them somehow.

I was grateful for whatever kind of strange magic my yak hair-lined hoodie was endowed with, because it was particularly nippy that morning. The snow was mostly ploughed away, but streaks of it remained on the sides of the road and sidewalk.

"Is this really the best weather for outdoor sports?" I asked. "Or sports in general?"
"It'll warm you up no problem," said Rivershine. "Why, not a sporty Pony?"
"Not really, no," I admitted.
"Well, it'll still be fun," she insisted. "Don't worry, it's really simple."
"As long as there's no gym teacher yelling at me." That got a giggle out of her. I decided to let her keep thinking that was a joke.

Luckily, the buckball field was just around the corner. A space was designated for a large rectangle of artificial grass with lines marked on it, divided from the street by chain link fences. Ponies, changelings, griffins and other creatures were tossing rubber balls around in small groups, seemingly trying to get them into a basket held by one of the players.

"Glad to see it's an integrated sport, at least," I noted.
"Oh yeah, nopony was against other creatures getting in on it when they started showing interest," said River. "Apparently the EBL had to change a few rules around because of it, though?"
"EBL?" I repeated.
"Equus Buckball League," Pudding groaned in front of us. "What rock are you living under?"
"You leave my rock out of this."

We eventually came to the gate, where some kids were tossing a ball around nearby. An Earth Pony, a hippogriff and a kirin. All three looked happy to see Pudding as we approached.

"Hey, guys," he greeted them.
"Hey, dude," said the Earther.
"Yo, Pop Rocks," the hippogriff chirped.
"Hiya," the kirin added, then looked up at us. "Hi, Rivershine."
"Sup, squirts," she said.
"My sis said she's gonna show us some moves before she heads back to Ponyville," Pudding grinned, then added with considerably less enthusiasm, "Oh, and she brought her coltfriend with her."
"Ooooooooh!" the kids chorused.
"He's not my coltfriend," River noted. I didn't want to think that flush on her cheeks was from the cold.
"Yeah, we're just friends," I added. "I just happen to be a colt--er, stallion."
"Whatever you say, lovebirds," the kirin snickered into her hoof. "So, we gonna learn some new tricks? We need to beat Canterlot Elementary next semester if we want the cup this season."
"My sis is a buckball legend," Pudding boasted. "Best goalkeeper in Cadenza High. She's got the trophies to prove it."
"That's enough outta you," River butted in, ruffling his mane. "I've been officially out of the game for a while, but I still know a few things."
"Hey, you've got a full team there," the Earther pointed out. "C'mon, Pop Rocks, we'll play you, your sis and what's-his-face."
"Sharp Sight," I said. "Hi, by the way."
"Hi, I'm Pebble," he replied, then pointed to the hippogriff and kirin respectively. "This is Brookwind and Lavender."

I then noticed the look Pudding was giving me. A mixture of reluctance and annoyance.

"I dunno, Pebble," he muttered. "I don't think he knows a buckball from a cheese ball."
I frowned. It didn't matter how true that was, I didn't appreciate being emasculated by children.
"He's new to the game, is all," River said, coming to my defence. "I thought you upcoming pros could help me show him a thing or two."
"We get to be the teachers?" gasped Brookwind. "I'm in!"
"The more buckball players, the better," Lavender agreed.
"C'mon, Pop," Pebble insisted. "He doesn't look like he'd be that bad."
Pudding looked to his sister for help, but was met with that stern raise of the eyebrow only reserved for unruly youths in the family. "Yeah, sure. Three on three."

Pebble, Brookwind and Lavender prepared themselves on the far side of the field while Pudding, River and I took the one closest to the door. The better for me to escape faster when this was over.

"Don't embarrass me," the colt growled up at me.
"I'll try not to," I said. "By the way... Pop Rocks?"
His cheeks puffed out. "It's my nickname! So what?"
"What's wrong with Pudding Pop?" I asked. The corners of my mouth quivered when I heard the three kids snickering nearby. "Ah, I see."
Pudding grumbled and dragged his hoof on the fake grass like the cutest, maddest bull. "Just... just don't be lame."
"Now that I certainly can't promise."
"You'll be fine," River assured me. "I'll talk you through it as we go."

When we got underway, it turned out the rules themselves were quite simple. Rivershine stood behind Pebble and Brookwind, Lavender behind me and Pudding. Both of them held a basket in their magical grips. My job was to get the ball into River's basket, and Pudding's was to stop it from getting into Lavender's.

While the rules were easy enough, it turned out there were a lot of intricacies I wasn't prepared for.

"Why're you using your front legs?" asked Pebble. "You know how to buck, right?"

"C'mon, Sharp!" whined Pudding some minutes later. "I passed it right to ya!"

"You're trying to get the ball into the basket," River called when I tried to make a goal. "Not the sun."

Needless to say, I wasn't impressing anypony. River was picking up the slack in that regard, showing off some impressing ball-catching moves. One involved giving the basket a swift kick upward to give it an extra push. Even some onlookers were watching her in awe.

While the kids gushed over it, my brain started going to work. I started visualising dotted lines and mathematical equations as I looked around the field. I didn't know what the equations were for, I just saw them in a lot of detective movies and figured they were a requirement.

But nonetheless, I had an idea. If I couldn't win for my team, I could at least attempt to look cool.

"Please try to do something with this," sighed Pudding, giving the ball a half-hearted toss in my direction.

I swung my body around and aimed my hind hoof toward the fence. With one swift buck, the ball shot toward it, bouncing off and speeding toward River, who just barely caught it in her basket.

"Whoa!" gasped Pebble. "I never would've thought of that!"
"Is that allowed?" asked Lavender. "That can't be allowed."
"It didn't leave the field," called River from the other side. "Perfectly legal."
"How'd you do that?" asked Brookwind?
"Oh, just a bit of geometry," I said, shrugging. "I dunno if it'll work without a fence but, y'know."
"Maybe with a strong enough buck..." Pebble murmured, rubbing his chin.

I looked at Pudding, who crossed his front legs as he hovered in the air.
"Okay, you did something cool, I guess," he admitted reluctantly. "Wish you'd done it sooner, instead of waitin' till we were four goals behind."
"Easy there, Rainbow Dash," snarked his sister. "This is just a friendly, remember?"
"I just don't wanna lose to Wind Sprint again this season," Pudding huffed.
I blinked. "Who's this now?"
"She's the defender for the Fillydelphia Elementary team," Brookwind explained. "She's really good."
"Pop likes her," teased Pebble.
"I do not!" squeaked Pudding. "Why would I like somepony who keeps beating me?!"
"You didn't block her triple-tornado toss in the last game," noted Lavender. "You just kept staring at her."
The poor guy's cheeks flushed bright red. "Sh-shut up!"

River and I could only watch as Lavender held Pudding back with her magic and Brookwind tried to stop Pebble from singing Pudding and Wind Sprint Sitting in a Tree.

"Looks like the game's over," I muttered to her.
"Yup," River agreed. "But hey, you impressed them. At least a bit."
"Not as much as you."
She smirked. "Yeah, but still. Anywho, we should probably head for the station. The next train to Ponyville's in an hour."
"You wanna grab your brother?"
"He's fine," she said, before walking over and raising her voice. "Hey kids, we gotta get going. Take care of that doofus for me."
"Those were some awesome moves!" Lavender grinned. "I'll remember them."
"You'd better," smirked River. Her horn glowed and Pudding found himself being floated toward her, and she wrapped a front leg around him in a hug. "I'll see you in a week or so, Mr. Grumpypants."
"Yeah, see ya, sis," Pudding grumbled.
"I'll see you around?" I tried.
"Buh," he grunted.

An hour later, Rivershine and I had boarded the train headed back to Ponyville. It was only just past noon, but it already felt like a whole day had gone by.

"So," River said, snapping me out of my daydreaming out the window. "Your first buckball game. What'd you think?"
"I'm definitely not going pro any time soon," I said flatly. "Though, you seem to be good at it."
"Pudding wasn't lying when he said I was on a champion team in high school," she said, shrugging. "But it's just a hobby for me."
I blinked as something came to me. "Y'know, you never told me what you do for a living."
"Oh, same as you," she said, shrugging. "Odd jobs, mostly."
"See, that's just a temporary thing for me," I said. "You must be doing well for yourself, with how nice your house is."
"Nice of you to say," she grinned. "But you've seen how generous folks in Ponyville are. That's all it is."

She's definitely hiding something, but I don't think I'll get it out of her now.

I dropped the subject and the two of us just made small talk until the train finally pulled into Ponyville. We exited the warm train into the cold air, and I noticed Rivershine's fur bristle as she shivered.

"You wanna borrow my hoodie?" I offered without thinking.
"I'm good, thanks," she said. "Good of you to show some chivalry, though."
"Hearth's Warming's all about keeping the old traditions alive," I said.

We walked through the square, and it was easy to see Ponyville was in the holiday spirit. A large tree was put up in the courtyard, with streamers and garlands strewn all over the lamp posts. Kids dragged their parents to different shops, adults dragged their families to others, and Pinkie Pie was shooting cookies shaped like trees and snowponies out of her cannon so I just barely avoided being assaulted by icing sugar. Rivershine managed to catch two in her magic out of the air, giving me one.

That's a lot of sugar.

It was when we passed Carousel Boutique when Rivershine halted mid-step. She was staring in the display window, looking like she was watching something very disturbingly illegal going on in there. Like Rarity putting on mane extensions.

Luckily, it was just an item on display she was gawking at. A leather jacket, purple with some blue and black streaks. Metal studs shined along the sleeves, lapel and popped collar.

"Sweet Celestia," she breathed. "Sharp, do you know what that is?!"
I cocked an eyebrow. "A jacket?"
"It's Coloratura's jacket!" River squealed. "Well, it's a replica but still!"
I furrowed my brow. "Oh yeah, the singer."
"She was wearing this for the Souls in the Stars tour last year," she explained. "I saw her in Manehattan, and it was the best night of my life!"
"Rarity must've pulled a lot of strings to get to throw that together," I mused.
"I heard she commissioned Rarity to put a whole line together," River went on. "Apparently her outfits went down really well."
"I'm guessing that's the jacket she wore in Manehattan?" I asked.
"It sure is!" she beamed. Her face fell when she saw the pricetag, which I found myself pursing my lips at as well. "If only I didn't have to put out a second mortgage on my house to get one."
"No kidding," I said. "Must be some expensive material."
"C'est la vie," she sighed, trudging on. But it was my turn to linger at the window. At the jacket.

There's no way I'll have enough for it in time from just some odd jobs. There's gotta be a way to get the scratch quick.

With that to mull over, I trotted to catch up with River, who was chatting with Bon Bon and Lyra.

"Oh, hey Sharp," the former greeted me. "How was Manehattan?"
"Cold and busy," I said. "Probably like every other day."
"No kidding," she snorted. "Glad you made it back out alive."
"Hiiiii, Sharp," Lyra droned, still giving me that weird, wide-eyed grin.
I stepped back. I was never going to get used to that face. "H-hi, Lyra...?"
"Lyra, I've told you about that," her friend said, nudging her.
"Sorry," said Lyra, "force of habit."
"Anywho," River quickly piped in, "you girls still up for tonight?"
"Naturally," Lyra grinned.
"I just about got the night off," added Bon Bon, "so I'm in."
"What's tonight?" I asked.
"Oh, the three of us were just gonna hit the pub for some cider," said River.

I noted the side-eye Bon Bon and Lyra gave each other. That was all I needed.

"Oh, cool," I said, "have fun."
"You can come too, if you want," said Bon Bon. I noted the hint of reluctance in her voice.
"I'm fine, thanks," I assured her. "Don't wanna cramp anypony's style if it's Ladies' Night."
"Phooey," Lyra muttered, and received another nudge from her friend.
"Well, we oughta get back to our shopping," Bon Bon said, she and Lyra walking off. "Later, River. Nice seeing you, Sharp."

We said our goodbyes, and when they were gone, River gave me a smile.
"Look at you, reading the room."
"It's what I'm good at," I said, nodding to my cutie mark. "Getting hints."
"I appreciate it," she said. "Not that I don't like having you around, but y'know, like you said. Ladies' Night."
I waved a hoof. "Don't sweat it. I've got some stuff to do tonight anyway."

When we walked on, I involuntarily glanced down at River's flank. All this time I'd known her, and I never got a proper look at her cutie mark. A cluster of sparkles inside a ring of glittering horseshoes.
"I never asked," I spoke up, "what's your talent?"
"Hm?" She looked at her mark. "Oh, this? I'm pretty good with magic."
"What about the horseshoes?" I asked.
She grinned. "I'm just really lucky. What's yours, by the way?"
"I'm... not entirely sure yet," I said, looking at my magnifying glass, "but I assume it means I'm good at finding stuff or figuring stuff out."
"So you're a detective, huh?" She grinned. "Maybe you could find me a few hundred bits for that jacket."
"If I did find a few hundred bits, I'd put it into my house payment."

And other lies, lover-boy.

"Speaking of gifts, I'd better get to wrapping some," she said. "Make a start before my folks arrive."
"Yeah, same." I rubbed behind my head. "Have fun tonight, by the way."
"Don't be too lonely without me."
"I've got my own plans anyway, but I'll try."

When Rivershine walked off, I took a deep breath. If I wanted to buy her that jacket, I needed a lot of bits and fast.

I dumped my gifts at home and, swallowing my pride, made my way to Barnyard Bargains.

17 - Retail Therapy

"When can you start?" asked the Barnyard Bargains manager, an older Pegasus in a nice suit jacket.
"Right now, if you need it," I said.
"Perfect, we need all the heads we can get. Any questions before we get started?"
"What sort of things do you need me to do?"
"Oh, it'll just be easy things like stacking shelves and helping customers find what they need. You might need to work the cash register, but that's a no-brainer."

The manager led me down an aisle and pointed me to a griffon wearing the same red waistcoat I'd wrangled onto myself before leaving the office. It popped out better against his black fur and brown feathers, though.
"Grant," he says, getting the griffon's attention. "This here is Sharp Sight. He's starting today, so show him the ropes, would you?"
"Got it, boss," said Grant. When the manager left, he shook my hoof in his claws and quietly added, "Welcome to Tartarus."

I never thought I'd be wearing a nametag again. Just when I was convinced I'd left those days behind, here I was, back in the world of public labour. And with the Hearth's Warming rush beginning, it didn't take long for me to start experiencing uncomfortable deja vu.

"How much are the tinsel streams?"
"Twenty bits."
"Seriously? You know we only have so much money this time of year, right?"

"Where can I find the ornament sets?"
"Aisle fourteen."
"Why are they all the way down there? Ugh."

"Why aren't there anymore Fillydelphia snowglobes?"
"We sold the last one earlier, and I've checked the back six times for more."
"Now what will I get my uncle? Some store this is."

I only started an hour ago and my soul was crushed. Why was it my fault that we ran out of this or somepony couldn't be bothered looking at the price tag for that? I was only trying to stack shelves! And all these kids running around screaming? Seriously, who brings their kids to a place like this?!

I took a deep breath.

Stick to it, Sharp. It'll all be worth it in the end.

At least I had Grant there. He seemed to be roughly my age, and was patient enough with showing me which things went where, and what to say when a stupid question came up. He was definitely used to it, though there was definitely a good-hearted guy hiding in there. Probably waiting until closing time to jump out and go back to fun things.

"So how long have you been here?" I asked as I helped him shelf some plastic trees.
"Just a few months," he says. "I moved from Griffonstone and needed some cash, so here I am."
I nodded. From the name, I figured that was the griffons' homeland. "How come you moved?"
He softly clacked his beak. "Oh, well, I'm sharing a place in town. Did a pen pal thing in school, and we kept in contact after that."
"Yeah? Who?"
"His name's Tango." A smile curled his beak. "He's a great guy, really funny and considerate. We're checking out the Hearth's Warming market on the weekend."
"Oh, cool," I said, smiling back. "I need to do some shopping myself, hence why I'm here."
"Must be someone special if you need cash this bad."
My cheeks flushed a little. "You could say that. I'm sorta planning to get her a gift that's both for Hearth's Warming and to ask if she'll go out with me."
Grant nodded. "Good luck, dude. If you want some advice, though, don't make it something expensive just to impress her. It's gotta really mean something, y'know?"
"My idea's kinda from both camps," I explained. "But yeah, that's good advice. Thanks, dude."

I definitely needed to get her something important, and that jacket was just the thing. Though, having a Plan B would help.

"Excuse me," an Earth Pony mare said behind me, "could I get one of those 2XL trees, please?"
"Sure, we'll get that for you," I nodded. Grant passed me a tree to pass onto her. I almost toppled over with its weight knocking my balance off. "Oof. You need a hoof with that?"
"I've got it," she said, hoisting it over her shoulder like it was nothing. "Thanks a lot."
"Nice going, Sharp," said Grant as she walked off. "Boss hears you're helping folks out like that, and you'll have plenty of bits for your special somepony in no time."
"That's the hope," I said, smiling.
"I know the lion's share of customers have dumb things to say," he went on, "but you leave them satisfied, you might get a bonus."

I nodded, mulling that over. That was a good point. Word got around quick in Ponyville, so if the boss got wind that I was making his customers happy, I'd have that jacket in time.

The next day, once I was done helping Grant unload some items from a delivery cart, I busied myself by wandering around helping out customers until I was dragged away to push a trolley or something. I just needed an attitude change.

"Thirty bits for a wreath?" an older Unicorn stallion said to me, holding the item in his magic. "And it's really prickly. I've got foals at home, y'know?"
The wreath definitely had a nice ribbon and little bells, and the holly leaves were authentic, but I saw his point.
"Well, we've got these wreaths here for ten bits a pop," I said, directing him to a nearby rack. "They're not as fancy, but the bristles are much more child-friendly."
The stallion ran a hoof on the wreath. It was pretty sorry looking, and the bells were plastic instead of metal like on the good ones, but he seemed satisfied.
"Yeah, this'll work," he said with a smile, trading the good wreath for the cheap one. "Thanks, kid."

"I can't find any Ponyville snowglobes," a Pegasus mare frowned. "My mom's visiting from Cloudsdale, and I wanna give her something nice from my home."
"She might like a lamp of the Castle of Friendship," I said, showing her some sculptures of the big crystal eyesore in town, its windows gently aglow. "It's a Ponyville landmark, and the lights certainly give a warm Hearth's Warming feel."
"Wow, they really do," she said, taking a closer look at a box containing one of the sculptures. She winced at the price tag. "Fifty bits?"
"Money's no object when it comes to family, right?"
"Y'know, you're right." She put the box in her cart. "You're a lifesaver."

"Whoa, careful!" I yelped, stopping a large box of ornaments from toppling onto a zebra colt trying to reach it. "Should've flagged me down, kid."
"Sorry," said the colt, looking like a frightened deer for a moment longer. "I was just looking for stuff for the tree, and this stuff looked nice and they're cheap."
I looked at the box and my eyebrows raised. Fifteen bits for twenty ornaments? Not bad.
"You know where your parents are?" I asked.
"Around here somewhere," he said, frowning. "Am I in trouble?"
"Nah, not at all," I assured him. "I'm just gonna give you a hoof carrying these."
His face lit up. "Oh, thanks mister!"

I felt my heart lift a bit. Things were definitely going better than yesterday. Not only were customers happy, but helping them out was making me feel good too. The Hearth's Warming spirit was getting to me, I thought.

That cheeriness went right down the toilet when the boss summoned me to his office at the end of my shift. Once I was out of my waistcoat, which I took as much time doing as possible, I headed up to the office and knocked on the door.
"Come in," I heard. I swallowed and did just that. "Ah, Sharp. C'mon in, sit down."
I trudged across the office and sat in the same chair I was interviewed in. He didn't sound upset, but his face was hard to read, even for me.
"I was down on the floor earlier," he said. "Asked this changeling if she needed anything. You know what she said to me?"
I pursed my lips for a moment.
"She said 'No thanks, that Earth Pony you hired took care of it'." A smile popped up on his face and he leaned over to pat me on the shoulder. "Relax, kid! You did good."
At this point, all I was going to get for Hearth's Warming was grey hair. "Thanks, boss."
He reached into his desk and pulled out a small sack, then slid it across the desk to me. "Here's a little bonus. Keep that up and you'll be sitting pretty for the holidays."

Like I was going to say no to that. I thanked him, took the bits and made my leave.

The week was going by without a hitch. I made some customers happy, a few grouchy customers less grouchy, and I was making good bits like Grant said. Pretty sure it was because I was making the boss plenty of income, but I'd take that over him firing me.

Every morning, I passed that jacket in the Carousel Boutique window and grinned wider and wider as the gap between the price tag and the bits in my pocket closed more and more. Rivershine was going to freak out when I presented it to her on Hearth's Warming. And for once, when I presented a gift to a lady, it would be the good kind of freak-out.

Saturday had finally come, and I was eager for another easy afternoon of item stacking and customer helping. I almost pranced into the employee area to put my waistcoat on.
"You look chipper today," said Grant.
I looked at him and hoped my grin wasn't too manic. "I've almost got enough money for the gift I'm eyeing."
"Nice," he said. "I'm hoping I find the right thing for Tango tonight. He's the last one I need to get a gift for, but I need it to be special."
"It's gotta mean something."
He smiled. "Exactly. I'm hoping I find it at the market."
"You'll find it, dude," I assured him. "If you don't, hit me up and I'll give you a hoof."
"You'd do that? Hearth's Warming's in a few days, so I don't wanna put you out."
"Hey, you've been helping me, so it's the least I can do."
The griffon's smile turned warm. "Thanks, Sharp. You're alright."

And with that, our shift began. It was a lot more hectic with the last-minute shoppers rushing over each other, but I managed to keep my head. My highlights included diffusing an argument between a couple with a china set they both liked, helping a filly pick the perfect snowpony decoration, and me and a Pegasus employee almost dropping a chandelier from the back. That was a lovely little heart palpitation. I also nearly got trampled by a yak. That was fun.

"The big day has come," Grant said when our shift was over in the late afternoon. "Time to meet Tango."
"And time for me to grab that gift I've been eyeing," I said. The two of us bumped hoof/fist-bumped. "Good luck, dude."
"Same to you."

As soon as we exited the break room, the boss landed in front of us and folded up his wings.
"Guys, I know you're finished," he said, "but we have a problem." He nodded toward the cash registers. "Look at those lines."
I bit my lip at all the Ponies, dragons, griffons and all sorts of other creatures queued up behind two of the four registers. The lines stretched halfway across the whole store, and were not doing a good job of staying straight. The cashiers were doing their best to keep up, but they looked ready to pass out any moment.
"We need to get those customers rung up and fast before we have a riot on our hooves." He looked at us pleadingly. "Hop on the two registers and help them with the rush. You'll get overtime pay."

Grant and I exchanged apprehensive looks. We both had plans, but we couldn't exactly leave our fellow part-timers in the lurch. But on the other hoof, more bits would always come in useful, and the boss had been good to me with my little 'be extra helpful' bonuses. Grant seemed to be thinking the same, from the gaze in his eyes.
"I guess Tango will have to wait a bit," Grant decided. "You with me, Sharp?"
I nodded. "We should get this knocked out in an hour at most."

"Cash or card?" I asked.
The Unicorn mare raised an eyebrow. "Pardon me?"
I shook my head. "Sorry, I had a flashback just now."

Working a cash register really was like riding a bike. I took to it almost immediately, ringing up each customer with a speed that seemed to satisfy them. The single-coin currency and lack of credit cards certainly helped speed things along, and I could fill a carrying bag like it was nopony's business.

The only issue was that it didn't exactly take an hour as I predicted. For every customer I finished with, three more joined the line behind them. And these creatures may have been more polite than I was used to in the world of public sector employment, but they were not light shoppers.

"Happy Hearth's Warming," I panted, almost faceplanting the counter as the last customer finally walked out with his purchase.
"My talons are killing me," Grant yawned behind me. "I almost don't wanna check out the market now."
I lifted my head and looked back at him. "You're not standing Tango up, are you?" I asked teasingly.
"I said almost," he smirked.
The dragon at the register in front of me whirled her seat around to look at us. "Thanks, guys. I was this close to setting something on fire before you two jumped on."
"Yeah," the Unicorn stallion at the furthest register called over, "we owe you one, big time."
"Don't sweat it," said Grant. "Tis the season, right?"
"The season of giving," I added. "Giving stress, that is."
"Amen, bro," the Unicorn snorted.

To my light surprise, the boss actually came through with the overtime pay. I couldn't be too upset, even if the darkness outside meant Carousel Boutique was undoubtedly closed at this hour. I would just have to pray to whatever deity Equestria had that the jacket was still there in the morning.

"Well, that was fun," I said as we finally exited. Thanks to all the shared body warmth inside Barnyard Bargains, even with my hoodie on, the cold hit me like a hard slap. A large crowd was gathering in the town square, no doubt for the Hearth's Warming market.
"It was definitely something," Grant remarked.
"There you are!" a new voice cut through the bustle, and we watched an Earth Pony stallion approach. He was a few inches taller than me and had a burly chest, with legs like orange tree trunks. Strands of his green mane poked out beneath his beanie.
"Sorry, I got held back," Grant said. "You still up for the market? It might be kinda crowded, though."
"I am if you are," he said, then looked at me. "Is this your new friend?"
"Oh, yeah it is," said the griffon. "This is Sharp Sight. Sharp, this is Tango."
"Nice to finally meet you." Tango smiled and held up his hoof.
"Likewise," I said, bumping it. I watched Grant walk up next to him. "Alright, you two enjoy your date."
"Thanks," Tango smiled. He furrowed his brow when Grant's eyes shot wide open. "You didn't tell him?"
"No!" he gasped. "How'd you...?!"
"The way you speak so fondly about Tango gave me an inkling," I explained, "but, well, you two are standing pretty close together for just roommates. You're practically snuggling."
They looked down at each other, then at me.
"Wow," the griffon muttered, "you're good."
"Aww, you were gushing about me?" cooed Tango, pecking Grant on the cheek. "Ya big lovebird!"
"It's your fault for being so loveable," said Grant, blushing. "Anyway, we should get going before the crowd gets worse."
"Oh, totally," said Tango. "Nice meeting you, Sharp."
"And thanks for the help this week," added Grant.
"Don't sweat it," I smiled. "You two have a great time."

I watched them melt into the crowd, and I couldn't help but think of how sweet they looked together. Then I started hoping Rivershine would lean against me like that someday. Well, when I'd get her that jacket, it'd be a shoo-in. As long as it was still there, anyway. Had to rely on that old Sharp Sight luck.

The luck that got you trampled by rabbits or the luck that got you almost eaten by a wooden wolf monster?

Having no other options, I decided to check out the market myself. Garlands and streamers connected the lamp posts together, and stalls were set up all over to sell festive gifts and treats. There was also a stage where Rarity, Fluttershy, Big Mac and two Ponies I'd never met were singing Hearth's Warming songs a capella. Fluttershy never really took me for the stage-performing type, but she was good. They all were, actually.

I kept an eye out for any Plan B's in case the jacket was a no-go, but so far, nothing caught my eye. I did buy myself some gingerbread doughnuts from Pinkie Pie's stall. I didn't think a doughnut with a crunchy shell would work, but lo and behold, the pro baker got it done. Even gave me a free hot cocoa to go with them, bless her.

I sipped from the cup as I wandered around. Unlike the creatures rushing to get their last-minute shopping done, the crowd in the market was in high spirits. Everywhere I looked, there were smiles and laughs as families and loved ones enjoyed the entertainment. Naturally, being there as a party of one made me feel like a total loser.

"Oof!" I grunted as I bumped into a figure wearing a parka. "Sorry, my bad."
The figure rounded to face me. The hood covered their head so that even with all the lights, I couldn't get a look at their face.
They gave me a harsh shove back with their hoof, making me spill my cocoa. Drops of it spilled on the parka.
"Hey! I said sorry!" I growled, watching the figure disappear into the crowd. "Excuse you, pal."

My mood soured and my drink ruined, I decided to just head home for the night.

My mood didn't exactly get much better the next morning.

The first thing I did when I woke up was grab my bits and rush out to Carousel Boutique. It was the late morning, but I was sure I had a wide enough window to grab the jacket.

But the shop's window wasn't so generous. The jacket was gone.

I stared at the naked mannequin behind the glass for what felt like hours. My mind went blank. I couldn't believe that I'd failed. But at the same time, it was so possible. I couldn't have been the only one in town with eyes on it. And there certainly were wealthier types than a working-class lout like myself.

There's the old Sharp Sight luck.

I hadn't noticed that my head had lowered in utter defeat. My lip trembling, I turned and trudged back the way I came. Maybe I could find a cut-out of this Coloratura or whatever and put it in a card or something? A pathetic gift for a potential girlfriend, but that was what I deserved for betting all my chips on a bad gamble.

But as I passed the door to the boutique, my ears pricked up. There were voices raised inside. Panic, anger, shock. Two of the voices I recognised.

With curiosity getting the better of me, to the point I was glad I came to Equestria as a Pony and not a cat, I opened the door to survey the scene. Rarity and Applejack were standing next to a mint-coloured Unicorn stallion with a dark grey fringe of a mane, wearing a white button shirt and brown suit jacket. His cutie mark was of a quill writing on a notepad. He was flanked by a pair of guards, and the three looked significantly less pleased to see me than the two mares did.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Sharp Sight," Rarity sighed, "but this just isn't a good time."
"What's going on?" I asked.
"Nothing that concerns you, citizen," said the stallion. He waved a dismissive hoof at me. "Please leave the crime scene immediately."
My eyes bulged. "Crime scene?"
"Wait till ya hear this one, Sharp," growled Applejack. "These two think Ah robbed Rarity!"

19 - Paid In Exposure

Svengallop was gracious enough to take over my 'sit on the floor with your hooves cuffed together' duty, and the group of gathered Ponies kept their gazes on him. His little round glasses stood crooked on his nose, and his puffy mane was messy.

"What in Celestia's name are you doing here alone?" asked Hawkshaw. "Where is your escort?"
"Back in Manehattan, I assume," Svengallop answered flatly. "I'd hoped to get back there before the idiot found out I'd left town when I gave him the slip."
"What are you even doing out of jail in the first place?" asked Twilight.
"He was granted parole for good behaviour, Your Highness," Hawkshaw explained. "But the terms explicitly state that he must be accompanied by a guard when travelling around. Rest assured, I will have strong words with his parole officer."

If that was the case, I had two explanations. Either Svengallop was really good at evading the law, or these guards were really bad at their job. Still, I had an opportunity to wipe the smug off Hawkshaw's face, and I wasn't going to squander it.

"If everypony's sitting comfortably," I began, "I've got a great Hearth's Warming story for you all. I call it How the Bitter Manager Stole Fashion."
"Don't roll off the tongue so good, if ya ask me," Applejack murmured to Rarity, who quietly shushed her.
"Let's start with our first bits of evidence," I continued, pretending to ignore that. "The apples, store-bought despite there being a bountiful harvest from Sweet Apple Acres. Only an out-of-towner like Svengallop would make that kind of mistake."
"Y'all were a big help with that harvest, Sharp," the cowmare piped up again, tipping her hat. I didn't mind that interruption as much.
"Next, the 'orange fur' found at the scene. Detective, if you'd hold them against our suspect's mane?"
Reluctantly, Hawkshaw took the baggie from his satchel and levitated it against Svengallop's head.
"It's a perfect match!" he gasped.
"Oh, like I'm the only Pony in Equestria with that colour mane," spat Svengallop. "That doesn't prove anything."
"The hat and wig found in the dumpster behind Carousel Boutique is trickier to pin down," I admitted, "but I know a fashion artist like Rarity wouldn't sell cheap plastic and sequins in her shop."
"Oh, perish the thought," Rarity gagged, sticking her tongue out. "I would sooner take a holiday in Tartarus."
"So you automatically assume it was me?" asked Svengallop, rolling his eyes. "As you've just proven, Detective, I clearly have no need for a wig."

I had to admit, the photo was the one stumping me. There was no concrete way to pin it on Sven, and I just knew Hawkshaw was going to say as much, as snidely as possible.

"Actually, I did some digging into those two items," the detective said, to my surprise. "The hat was purchased from hat vendor by a hooded Pony, and the wig was commissioned anonymously from a costume shop, both situated in Manehattan. And we've confirmed Svengallop was in the city before coming to Ponyville."
"And you just assume I wanted to use them to commit a crime?" asked Svengallop.
"If you didn't," I said, "then why keep it a secret?"
He pursed his lips. "W-well, even if I that was the case, I'd hardly have the time. I only arrived in Ponyville this morning. Yes, I arrived after the crime took place."
"And yet, you had a lot of information about said crime," Hawkshaw pointed out. "Details were held close to the chest."

Every time Basil spoke, I looked at him wondering if I was imagining it. He kept warning me to keep away from all this, and now he was helping me?

"This is all just baseless conjecture!" the culprit spat. "Sure, you can book me on violating my parole, but robbing a boutique and framing another Pony for it? Why would I come all the way out to this cesspit just for that?"

I grinned, wide enough to get a few unsettled glances. Finally, it was time for my secret weapon!

"You want a motive?" I opened my saddlebag and slapped the articles from Twilight's records in front of him. "I got your motive right here."

They were pages from newspapers and magazines, and reading the headlines gave Svengallop a face like he was either about to soil the floor or try to eat me.

MANAGER'S MISTREATMENT MADE MANIFEST

SVEN RESIGNS!! SUPERSTAR SOARS SOLO!

COLORATURA INNOCENT! GLAMMY SABOTEUR UNCOVERED!

"Princess Twilight revealed your attempt to tamper with a music festival, leading to you and Coloratura parting ways," I explained. "You quit, hoping to see her flounder without your stellar guidance, but instead her career took off to new heights without you. She's become arguably the biggest musician in Equestria, and you just couldn't stand it." I tapped the third article. "Leading to you using Crownpiece, Songbird Serenade's manager, and your own sister might I add, to sabotage the Glammy Awards and pin the blame on Coloratura. Which led to your arrest."

I took his snarl as permission to carry on, and I happily obliged.

"Which brings us to last night. You knew Coloratura and Applejack here are close friends, so once you learned that Rarity was creating a new line of clothes to celebrate your ex-client, you decided to go for the jugular. Steal the prized recreated tour jacket, frame Coloratura's close friend for the crime in the name of envy, and watch as Coloratura's career spirals in a sea of controversy and heartbreak. So, using the bustle of the Hearth's Warming market as cover, you rooted through Rarity's things while she was onstage, sneaked into the shop and, using your disguise, planted bogus evidence. And naturally, you hung back in the crowd to watch the fruits of your labour, hence your still hanging around town instead of hightailing it back to Manehattan. And when I cleared Applejack and got on your trail, you tried a last-ditch attempt to pin the crime on me. You're an awful manager, Sven, but you're an even worse criminal."

All was silent, and I decided to soak in the admiration. At least, I assumed they were admiring me. Hawkshaw probably wasn't. Svengallop certainly wasn't, as he just began to laugh. Like a lunatic trying to behave himself at a fancy dress ball.

"Bravo, sir," he chortled, "quite the Hearth's Warming story, indeed. If my hooves were free, I'd applaud you."
"You deny it?" I asked.
"Of course I do, you moron!" he snapped, making me jolt. "My knowledge of events may contradict with what you think I was doing last night, but I still stand by what I said. I arrived in Ponyville this morning to evade my parole, and you can't prove otherwise."
"Au contraire." I prodded a hoof into his parka. Right on the hot cocoa stain. "I saw you with my own eyes. You owe me five bits, by the way."
"A stain that I received in Manehattan last night?" he retorted, his pupils darting. He was running out of ideas. "Besides, I've never seen you before in my life!"
"And yet, Mr. Sharp speaks the truth," Hawkshaw butted in. From his satchel, he presented a new photograph. A coloured one of a scene in the Hearth's Warming market. "A photographer was present for the local newspaper, and I paid a visit to their office."

I took a closer look. That was clearly my back, and Svengallop's front stained with the hot cocoa he'd made me drop. With all the lights and sounds in the market, I must have missed the flash of a camera.

"A word of advice, Mr. Gallop," he went on. "If you're going to lie, at least be good at it."

Svengallop looked at Hawkshaw. Then at me. Then at Applejack. Then at the ground. He took a quiet, shaky breath.

"It was meant to be perfect," he breathed. "Frame Coloratura's friend for ruining her reputation by associating with a jealous criminal. She'd have no choice but to beg me to come back and fix everything, like I always did. I'd finally get my life back." He looked at me with a glare I'd only seen in quiet slasher movies. "But no, you had to come along. First that infernal hick mare and princess. Then that annoying party Pony. And now you. Some nopony who crawled out of the dirt to play investigator, just because he had nothing better to do."

He looked back down at his hooves.

"Well, I may not get the Hearth's Warming gift I wanted," he continued, "but I won't go back to jail empty-hooved!"

With no warning, he pounced me. I fell on my back, with his weight pinning me down. He pressed the chain of the cuffs against my neck, my breathing cut off by the pressure. Thankfully it was only for a moment, as one of the guards quickly tackled him off me. I scrambled to my hooves, coughing.

"Sharp Sight!" gasped Twilight, swooping to my side. "Are you okay?!"
"I'll live," I rasped, taking in big gasps of air.
"Just when Ah thought this lil' snake couldn't sink any lower," growled Applejack through her teeth. She was hogtying Svengallop with a lasso for a bit of further humiliation.
"I trust you'll give him a much stricter punishment now, Twilight," said Rarity.
"Don't worry, Rarity," said the princess, "After this, I'm going to sentence him personally. Take him to the Royal Dungeon," she ordered the guards, who obeyed without question. One hoisted Sven onto her back and they both trotted out.
I swallowed. Not just to check that my gullet still worked, but also out of getting a little unnerved by how cold Twilight sounded.
"Basil," she continued, "I trust you'll be available for the court hearing?"
"Naturally, Your Highness." Hawkshaw took a bow. "I'll return to Canterlot with haste."
Twilight nodded and turned to me. "That was some good thinking, Sharp. You really worked all that out right away."
I shrugged and rubbed behind my head. "The clues just fell into place in my head, is all."
"You're certainly living up to your cutie mark," she smiled proudly. "Well, I'd better get to Canterlot and prepare this trial. Are you two definitely one-hundred-percent okay?"
"We're absolutely fine now, Twilight," Rarity assured her, "especially thanks to our Hearth's Warming hero."
"Go do whatcha gotta do," Applejack added, "we've got stuff ta do too."

Twilight nodded and shot me another smile before flashing out of view.

I turned to Hawkshaw, who was getting his effects in order. "Hey, thanks for backing me up."
He looked up at me, his eyes blank with indifference. "You performed... adequately, for an amateur. But I advise you leave it to a licensed investigator next time."
"I won't lie, I thought you were gonna grill me just as much as Sven."
"I'm a professional, Mr. Sharp," he said. "You presented a strong argument backed with evidence, and I deemed your line of reasoning worthy of support. Nothing more."
I smirked. "So you're saying there's a chance we can be friends?"
He scoffed. "Hardly. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have to clean the smell of dirt off of me before I prepare my notes for the trial. Good day."

The detective sauntered out with his chin high in the air, leaving me with Applejack and Rarity.

"Oh, Sharp!" the latter gushed, throwing her hooves around me. "That was magnificent, darling!"
"Mighty fine sleuthin', sugarcube," Applejack smiled. "Thanks a bunch fer clearin' mah name."
"You two helped me when I first arrived in Ponyville--well, Equestria--so it was the least I could do. I just didn't think I'd do so well."
"Sounds like y'all were made fer that kinda work, unlike somepony." The cowmare's lip curled. "He might be from Canterlot, but he's still a real Manehattan city slicker."
"Well, no good deed goes unrewarded in Equestria," Rarity said firmly. "I've noticed you staring at that jacket through my window for the past week--if you'd like one, it's yours. Free of charge."
I stared at her, mouth agape. "Really? I took a job at Barnyard Bargains to afford it!"
"Put those bits toward your house payments, darling," she smiled.
"Ah owe ya one too, Sharp," said Applejack. "Ah'm sure Ah can spare an apple pie ta sling ya fer Hearth's Warmin' dinner."
"Really, you're both too kind," I said modestly. Then something Rarity said occurred to me. "Wait--if I'd like one?"
"Did you really think that display model is the only one that exists?" The fashionista chortled lightheartedly. "I've made a dozen of them in each size! They've been selling like Pinkie's hotcakes all season."

She trotted around a corner and soon returned with a jacket resembling the one I'd spent all day panicking over. I wasn't sure if I was relieved she had more than one, amused at how Svengallop's plan was all for naught, or annoyed that she had more than one.

"There you go, darling," she said, setting it in a fancy paper bag. "That size will fit your lady friend just right." She winked.
My face flushed bright red. "Wha-?!"
"Aw, everypony can see yer holdin' a candle fer Rivershine," chuckled Applejack, giving me a gentle nudge. "A nice gift and a yummy bite ta eat will sure help ya along."
"...was it that obvious?" I squeaked.
"Even Twilight can see it, dear," Rarity giggled. "Now, I don't wish to rush you out, but as Applejack said, we all have important things to get on with."
"Oh! Right, of course," I said, taking the bag. "Sorry for keeping you two. Thanks a lot, and uh, happy Hearth's Warming."

The next day was Hearth's Warming Eve, and I was happy to spend it at home after all that excitement.

Some part of me was thankful that I was just as dreadful wrapping gifts with hooves as I was with fingers. The jacket for Rivershine and the smaller gifts for the Mane Six were stuffed into piles of wrapping paper and mummified with tape. Pinkie Pie had offered to do it for me--how she found out, I'd never know--but I insisted on doing it myself. Mainly because she clearly hadn't thought about how it meant I'd see the gift I got for her.

"If it's for me, I won't tell me!" she'd said.

I almost wished I'd taken her up on the offer, given the dog's breakfast I'd made of the attempt. But then again, it was more about what was inside the abused colourful paper, right? I was sure Twilight and her friends would at least appreciate the little things I got them, but the thought of Rivershine's face when she saw the jacket she wanted... it made my heart do flips in my chest.

I looked outside the window, and watched the calm, gentle snowfall build up into a white blanket on the ground and rooftops. It made a nice contrast to the locals rushing around in a last-minute panic to get their preparations done for tomorrow. Weeks of decorating and supplying just for one day... when I thought about it, it was no less weird here than it was in my old world.

That was when a flash of clarity hit me. I was probably so comfortable with being a Pony because, by the looks of it, they weren't that much different from humans. Sure, they could fly by themselves, make things appear out of thin air using special appendages and had supernatural tattoos on their backsides, but they also had a lot of similar traditions, concerns and personalities I would have found back then. Only... a lot more tolerable now.

I glanced into the kitchen, and the large box Applejack had brought me yesterday evening sitting on the counter. True to her word, she'd thanked me for clearing her name by personally delivering what she said was an apple pie. As grateful as I was, that was one big box. There was no way that could be a serving for one Pony, unless Applejack truly did eat like a horse. But I'd have to use it somehow, since I couldn't just disrespect such a nice gesture. In fact, this town had no shortage of nice gestures.

I found myself hoping Twilight wasn't in a rush to get me back to the human world, because I wasn't in a rush to leave.

I set a sack of bits and paperwork into a parcel and taped it up, then stuffed the Mane Six's gifts into the Carousel Boutique bag I brought the jacket home in. It wasn't too late into the afternoon, so I was certain I still had time. I pulled my hoodie on, grabbed my things and set out.

My first stop was the post office. Naturally, there was a long line of customers waiting to have parcels and letters sent off last-minute. Hopefully they were local, otherwise they wouldn't get anywhere near where they were going by tomorrow. But then, if they were local deliveries, why didn't they just deliver their stuff themselves instead of bothering the poor victim of the public sector behind the desk?

And yet, here you are, trying to deliver a parcel locally.

In the name of bureaucratic awkwardness, I reminded myself.

Thankfully, the line was moving quickly enough, and I was soon looking across the counter at a grey Pegasus mare in a charming brown shirt and hat. She gave me a friendly smile as her yellow eyes fixed on me. Well, one of them did, anyway. As usual, I had no idea what the other one was doing.

"Hi, Sharp Sight," she said, a little slowly but cheerfully none the less. "How can I help you?"
"Hey, Ditzy," I said, setting the parcel on the counter. "Just another mortgage payment, so no rush getting it out."
"Sure," she said, reaching beneath the desk. Her wings knocked some papers onto the floor as she rummaged around down there. She soon reemerged with another sheet. "Here we go! Okay, who is the sender?"
"Sharp Sight."
"And the recipient?"
"The Housing Department, Ponyville Town Hall."
"And what's inside the parcel?"
"Mortgage payment, plus some paperwork."
Ditzy scribbled down all the details. "Oooookay, all set. That'll be eight bits."
"Thanks, Ditzy," I said, passing the bits over. "Happy Hearth's Warming."
"You too," she beamed. I trotted off to let the mare behind me go next. "Break time!"

Next was Sugarcube Corner. No doubt Pinkie and the Cakes had their hooves full getting their orders ready for holiday desserts. If they were too busy for what I needed, I'd have to give myself a crash course on baking. I allowed a dragon to exit before stepping inside. Naturally, there was another line leading up to the counter, and with the sun setting, no doubt the place would be closed for business in a matter of minutes. I couldn't just go and ask Twilight for a cookbook after leaving those gifts off either--that would just be awkward.

"Hiya, Sharpie!" a pair of big blue eyes squeaked in my face.
"HOLY-!" I shrieked and stumbled back. I was getting used to a few things here, but that wasn't one. "Hey, Pinkie."
"It was so cool the way you saved Applejack and stopped that stinky Svengallop!" She beamed ear-to-ear, almost literally. No face should be that elastic. "If I wasn't so busy helping the Cakes with their Hearth's Warming desserts, I'd throw a Applejack is Innocent and Sharp Sight is a Hero party! It'd be two parties in one! Like a super party!"
"Oh, don't worry about it," I assured her, "I'm just here as a customer."
She zipped up to me again, furrowing her brow. "Hmmmm. Yeah, you've totally got that 'I forgot to get somepony a gift and now I'm really desperate' vibe aboutcha."
I tried not to think about how much better she was at reading faces than me. "Yeah, I need to grab Spike a quick something. He's been a help and, well, I'd hate for him to feel left out."
"I've got just the thing!" Pinkie dug a hoof into her puffy mane and pulled out a box. Through the plastic window, I could see some pretty thick doughnuts with colourful sprinkles that really glistened in the light. "Jelly doughnuts with ruby, sapphire and emerald sprinkles! He loves these."
I smiled. Dragons eating precious gems sounded like it'd be a nightmare for the economy, but that wasn't my problem. Until somecreature made it my problem, anyway. "Oh, that'll be perfect. What do I owe you?"
"A nice Hearth's Warming gift!" She grinned, and her eyes widened as she noted the paper bag strapped to my saddlebag. As in, they literally stretched like rubber. I put the doughnuts into it and turned it away from her, She pouted a little.
"You're not seeing what you're getting until tomorrow," I said, not bothering to be coy about it. I wasn't going to beat her otherworldly sense of... Pinkieness. "Don't wanna ruin the surprise, right?"
"Good point," she giggled. "Well, think of the doughnuts as my little way of saying thanks a bunch for helping Applejack!"

We bid each other a Happy Hearth's Warming, and Pinkie rushed off in a pink blur behind the bakery counter. My final stop was the crystal castle. I set the bag on the porch and pulled out my notepad, making a small amendment to the note I'd stuffed into it.

Just a few somethings to say thanks for getting me settled in.
-Sharp Sight

P.S. I didn't forget Spike, I'm still deciding what to get him Disregard

"Smooth." I knocked on the door and trotted off. With all my chores done, I decided to just take a walk and while away the hours.

I wandered around town, and the lower the sun fell, the quieter it got. Folks were heading home to make their final preparations and spend time with their loved ones. Relatives coming to visit, others rushing off to visit family for the big day.

Things that, in my current situation, were just a little bit impossible for me to do.

Before I knew it, it was dark, and it was just me, the crunching of snow beneath my hooves, and the flakes floating down from the overcast sky. The street became a little murky as a fog began to set in. I stopped in the middle of the empty street, watching my breath exit my nostrils in small bursts of steam. I found myself thinking about Rivershine. Not in the usual 'I hope she goes out with me' way, but rather, her and her family. How they were probably having the best time right now. Then I thought about Grant and Tango--they were probably all snuggled up together, safe from the cold.

And then I thought about me. My house that I had no one waiting for me in. No family in this world to speak to. Sure, I had some that I could call friends, but they had their own company to entertain. I couldn't just crash the party just because, for the first time in a long time, I felt... well, alone.

Happiest time of the year, am I right?

By some cruel fate, my wandering took me nearby River's house. I approached and peered through an open window at a safe distance. Hard Dough and Lakesong were cuddled together on the couch, while Rivershine and Pudding Pop were on the ground, arguing over a board game. I overheard the latter yell something about cheating, to which the older mare just shrugged with her trademark smirk.

Part of me wanted to rush home, grab her gift and come back. To just burst down the door like some kind of overenthusiastic ogre. But the family dynamic looked pretty perfect, and I didn't want to be a fifth wheel. Though, I really wanted to be there when she saw my gift. I took out my notepad, scribbled on it and slid the page under the door. Hopefully she'd see it by morning.

I slunk off and was about to continue my lamenting before I heard the quiet jingling of a tiny bell. Nothing out of the ordinary, probably even outside of the holiday season, but it still got my attention. I turned around and noticed a small silhouette wandering the street a ways behind me. Despite the danger that it could be something insidious once again, I found my hooves moving toward it. Besides, I'd rationalised that it was clearly too small to be another timberwolf trying to eat my eyeballs.

"It's gotta be here somewhere," I heard a skittish voice whimper. "Oh, I can't mess this up. Not tonight of all nights..."
"Um, you okay there?" I asked once I was close enough.
The silhouette jolted slightly and went still. I got closer and it took the form of... what looked like a small, skinny Pony, with brown fur and white speckles, and a pair of antlers in front and a fluffy tail in the back.
A deer, genius. It's called a deer.
He relaxed and approached me, the little bell on his strap jingling. He had what looked like a pretty huge sack on his back. "Oh, thank goodness. You live here, don't you?"
"Sure do. You lost?"
He showed me a sheet of paper with a list on it. Just under half the names on it had checkmarks next to them. "I'm looking for a Pony named Fluttershy, but she doesn't seem to be around here and I can't find where in Equus this address is!" He took out a little pocket watch. "Oh no, I'm already three minutes and fourteen seconds behind...!"
"Fluttershy's just out of town," I explained, pointing away. "Head down that path until you reach the big scary forest--she's in the cottage just in front. Can't miss it."
"Oh, you're a lifesaver," he sighed gratefully. "Thank you so much!"
"No sweat, pal," I said. "Happy Hearth's Warming, and be careful out here. This fog's getting dense."
"Sweet sugar cookies, you're right!" I heard what sounded like a light switch, and the deer's nose started glowing a soft red. "You take care too."

He trotted down the path at a hasty pace, and I gawked after him.

"...no," I said, shaking my head as I walked toward home. "No, there's no way. Not even here."

20 - The Reason for the Season

Hearth's Warming Day had finally come, and I was certain I hadn't been this nervous before in my life.

I arrived in the park in the late morning and took a seat on a bench. Naturally, every follicle on my body stood on end the moment my backside made impact with the icy wood. Luckily, nopony was around to hear the noise that had come out of my mouth. I wasn't sure if it was a noise any kind of living being should make.

A fresh blanket of snow had coated the town in the night, so the only hoofprints in the park belonged to me. For the moment, all was silent, and I looked down at the wrapped gift that was clutched protectively in my hooves. As I stared at it longer and longer, my mind began to race. Would Rivershine like the gift? Would she take the hint? What if she rejected me? What if she was already seeing somecreature? Did I really meet who I thought I met last night?

Before I knew it, voices were ringing out around me. The locals were beginning to emerge from their houses--families going off to visit relatives and friends, or kids trying their new outdoor toys and clothes. I felt a little sorry for the ones breaking in some new ice skates, since the pond would only be frozen for another month at least. I flinched when a colt fell flat on his face trying to skate. I absolutely felt his pain--for a long while, even when I had traction on my hooves I couldn't walk straight.

I heard a large bell strike twelve. I took a deep breath, my heart starting to speed up. It was noon, so hopefully...

"Happy Hearth's Warming," said Rivershine as she approached up the path. She was wearing her scarf once again. It looked really cute on her, if I was being honest with myself.
I stood up to meet her. "Thanks, you too," I said, trying to keep my voice level.
"You're lucky I found your note first, or I'd be getting hounded with questions. Or you'd be in the hospital."
I blinked. "Huh?"
"'Meet me in the park at noon tomorrow'? It's pretty sketchy."
I pursed my lips. "Fair point. I just didn't want to mess up the family vibe by letting myself in, y'know?"
"You were outside my house last night?"
"I was wandering around and just sorta ended up there. Lost in thought and all that."
"What was stopping you from coming in? My family likes you, remember?"
"Your family that you only get to see every once in a while," I pointed out. "You get to look at my dumb mug every day."
She nodded. "I see your point. So, what's this all about? What am I doing out here 'getting a bit of air', as I told my folks?"

I swallowed and glanced down at the gift for a split-second. A split-second long enough for River to notice it.

"What's that?" she asked, then her eyes widened. "Wait, is that for me?"
"I... yeah." I pushed it out to her. "Happy Hearth's Warming."
River took it in her magic grip, and I almost hyperventilated as I watched the paper tear off bit by bit in the air.

The jacket unravelled, and her jaw almost hit the floor. She stared at it for a long while, then slowly looked at me.

"Sharp... you...!" she breathed.
"You were saying how much you wanted it," I said, rubbing one leg behind the other, "so, um, here you go."
She wasted no time tugging it on, but took plenty of time looking herself over. I couldn't even measure the amount of joy on her face. And the dark leather with bright studs definitely looked good on her. Like a stylish neo-punk chic.
Yeah, that's a fancy bit of word vomit that'll never leave my mouth.
"And it's a perfect fit!" she gushed. "How did you know?!"
"Lucky guess," I lied.

I froze as that neo-punk chic (blech) found itself wrapped around my neck in a hug.
"Thank you so much," she murmured into my shoulder.
My face flushed bright red and my brain shut down, so my attempt to say "You're welcome, now do you wanna go out with me?" came out as incomprehensible mouth noises.

I finally calmed down when she let go of me, and looked me right in the eyes. Then I felt the nerves flare up again.

"If you're not doing anything tonight," she said, "do you wanna come over for dinner?"
"R-really?" I croaked. "Um, I wouldn't wanna be a burden."
"It'll be fine," she assured me. "Mom and Dad always make too much, so it's not like you'll eat us out of house and home."
"Um, sure, I'd love to," I said, then my eyes widened. "Oh! I've got something I can bring for dessert if you need it."
"I dunno if we'll need it," she remarked, "but sure, the more the merrier."
"Great!" I grinned, probably like a moron if her raised eyebrow was anything to go by. "So, um, see you tonight?"
She smiled. A genuine, warm smile. "Totally. I'd better get back before Dad sends a search party, though."

I bid her goodbye for the moment, and it took every fibre of my being not to squeal in public.

I trotted--nay, pranced through town. The streets were becoming busier in the moments before Hearth's Warming dinners, so families and friends were comparing gifts and generally sharing laughs. Of course, the smile on my face didn't look out of place for the day. Even if mine in particular probably looked pretty creepy.

"Sharp Sight?" I heard in the direction of my house. I trotted over and spotted a familiar looking winged Unicorn/magical Pegasus.
"Hey, Twilight," I said once I was close enough, "happy Hearth's Warming."
"Oh, there you are," she said, blinking. "Happy Hearth's Warming, and thank you for the gifts. Everypony loved them!"
"Really?"
"That book on ancient magical crystals is so intriguing." She pattered her front hooves in the snow. "I'm already four chapters in!"
Already? I'm dealing with the world's most powerful bookworm right now.
"Spike especially loved his treats," she continued. "How'd you know what his favourite kind was?"
"Lucky guess," I lied. "So, did you need anything else, or were you just here to say thanks?"
"Well, that's one reason," said the princess. "But there's... something else. Don't worry, it's nothing bad," she assured me, noticing the look I was giving her. "In fact, I think you'll like it."
I blinked curiously, and decided to humour her. "Just go easy with the teleporting, huh?"
"I'll do my best," she promised, and with a glow of her horn and a flash of bright light, I was suddenly inside a room. My stomach played up and I instinctually put a hoof over my mouth, but thankfully the nausea passed as quickly as it came this time.

As I followed Twilight through the castle, I wondered if this was really the right time for this kind of mystery, given the occasion and how much would be going on. For her, anyway. I wasn't going to do much apart from probably hang around the house until I went over to Rivershine's. We ended up passing Spike and Starlight on our travels, and they both thanked me for their gifts. I really wasn't sure if Starlight was going to like that Kite Culture: Equestrian Skies and How to Celebrate Them book I found--admittedly, I was at the "I'm desperate and need to find something" phase at that point.

Eventually, Twilight stopped in front of a door, at the end of a hallway that felt isolated from the castle somehow, and she fixed me with a grave glare.
"Sharp Sight, before we go further," she said, "what I'm about to show you is incredibly secret. I intended that nocreature outside of the Council of Friendship knows about this, but your situation is a dire exception. I need you to promise that you won't breathe a word of what you're about to see to anyone."
"Sure, no problem," I promised. "Though, if you're that worried, why not just hit me with a memory wipe spell or something?"
"Think of it as a test of character," she answered as she pushed the door open. "Plus, memory wipes can be messy if you don't do them just right. I don't want you forgetting your name, or how to use the bathroom."
"Fair enough."

I stepped inside, seeing what seemed to be some kind of study. Pieces of paper were strewn along the table and scattered on the floor, all having doodles and equations scribbled on them. At the end of the room, which really caught my eye, was a large mirror adjourned in a very majestic frame. One half golden, the other half dark blue, both sporting the caricatures of what I assumed were Alicorns at the top. The mirror itself was crystal clear and it looked big enough for me to step right in. In fact, I almost felt the urge to try just that, if I knew I wasn't just going to headbutt myself.

"Remember when I told you I was working on a spell to get you back to your universe?" she asked. "I've... made some progress."
"Really?" I asked. For some reason, I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be.
I watched as Twilight's horn glowed, and the horns on the Alicorns on the frame sparked themselves. The mirror glass distorted, mine and Twilight's reflections rippling like disturbed pond water, until the images vanished and made way for... something new. Something familiar, at least to me. Streets, cars, and the fully-clothed humans occupying both. I didn't recognise anyone, but that was definitely a street near my old college.
"I've managed to get a lock on the world you came from," she went on. "I can only keep it open for a small time for now, and... for the moment, the mirror is choosy about what goes through."
"Choosy?" I raised an eyebrow. "What, do I have to pass a test to prove I'm worthy or something?"
"No, nothing like that," she said with a weak smile. "I can't exactly send any... living matter through just yet. I tried an apple the other day, and it came out as a mound of juicy dust."
I winced and pulled my legs close together. "Yeesh. Well, hopefully Applejack doesn't know about that."
That got a snort out of the princess. "But the good news is I can send other things through. Small things, like books and stationary."
"Well, that's some progress," I said, in an attempt to reassure her. It put a grateful smile on her muzzle.
"I wasn't going to say anything to you until I was sure I had it finished," she continued, "but I figured, considering the season, you'd want to... send word to any loved ones? Let them know you're okay?"

I stared at Twilight for a long moment. As much as I'd grown hesitant about going back for the moment, I felt this overwhelming sense of gratitude. She'd gone to all this trouble for stupid little me (granted, I was here because of her, but still), and had even made enough headway for me to drop a line.

"I do normally send a card to my parents this time of year," I said, "just to let them know I'm thinking of them, y'know?"
She nodded in understanding. "I did some digging and found where they live, if you'd like to send them a message."

She passed me a quill and an empty sheet of paper, and I sat at the desk, mulling over what to say. What could I say? What would they think if I told them I was in another universe full of magic and living as a colourful equine? I'd already once made the mistake of getting in touch while in the middle of... 'experimenting'.

After a few moments of thinking, I finally put quill to paper.

Hey, Mom and Dad.

Sorry I haven't called sooner or made it up to visit. I'm doing this thing abroad for school right now, and you know what call charges are like. It's one of those hidden countries that's awkward to spell, you know? I would've told you sooner but it all happened so fast. I'm fine, though. Making some friends and really learning new things about the local culture. They're really into horses here.

I just thought I'd drop you a line for the season. I've been busy, but so busy I've forgotten you. I'm not sure when I'll be back in the country, but I'm hopeful it'll be sooner rather than later. Once I'm absolutely certain how to write the address, I'll send it in another letter so maybe you can write back.

Mom, remember the garbage guys don't come until two days later. Dad, go easy on the eggnog. I don't wanna hear about you getting into another 'snowball fight'. And tell the others I said hi. I'll try to send souvenirs next time.

Love you guys. Happy Hear Holidays.

A drop fell into the page, and I wiped a tear from my eye. A sniffle escaped me.

"Are you okay?" asked Twilight from across the room.
I took a deep breath. "Yeah, sorry," I muttered, trying to steady my voice. "I dunno what's come over me."
"It's okay, I understand." Her tone was soft. "If you're finished, I can get that sent off right away."

I nodded and folded up the letter. Twilight took it in her magical grip and set it into an envelope. I wrote down my parents' address and Twilight conjured up a stamp to put in the corner, just to help make it look legit. Hopefully my parents wouldn't question the stamp having Princess Celestia on it. I watched the image on the mirror change to a door I knew all too well; my parents' front door. With her magic, she slipped the letter through the threshold, into the slip.

"Thanks, Twilight," I said, looking at her. "Really, I appreciate this a lot."
"It was my pleasure," she smiled. "Think of it as my Hearth's Warming gift to you, and my way of saying sorry for getting you wrapped up in all this."
"Hey, I'm getting used to it here," I said, "so it's no big deal. Take your time working this out--I'm not really on a time limit, remember?"
"Of course," she said. "I should probably get back--Shining Armour brought his Ogres and Oubliettes set and he's itching to get started. I'm gonna have a lot of rules-explaining ahead of me, for Cadence's sake."
"Oh, totally," I said with a nod. "Thanks again, Twilight. I'll get out of your way."
"Do you want a ride home?" she offered, nodding upward.
"Sure, I think I'd need a map to get out of here on my own anyway."

That evening, I was trotting through Ponyville to Rivershine's house, with Applejack's pie wrapped around my leg. The locals were still out and about before they had to get home for Hearth's Warming dinner, and I wore a smile on my face as I wished a Happy Hearth's Warming to anypony I knew the name of. I was even singing under my breath. Something I hadn't done for a long time.

"They've got carts big as barns, they've got streets made of gold,
The magic goes right through you, it's no place for the old.
When you first took my hoof on a Hearth's Warming Eve,
You promised me Bridleway's waiting for me!"

I was very certain I'd heard that tune back in my old world, but I didn't care. I was on cloud nine, and it was the one holiday song I had to listen to while working at Barnyard Bargains that didn't made me want to ask Twilight to magic my ears off.

I was happy when I gave Rivershine my gift, but after sending a letter to my parents, I felt... glad? Relieved? Whatever it was, it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders when I let someone on the other side know that I was still kicking. Well, bucking. Tomato, tomato. Either way, the Stockholm Syndrome hadn't quite set in just yet.

Or would that be Stockhoof Syndrome? Gotta work in those puns where I can get them.

My heart raced when Rivershine's house came into view. I was nervous, but the good nervous. I wasn't sure why, since she'd invited me over before. Not long ago, in fact. I figured because even in so little time, so much had changed.

I tapped my hoof on the door and took in a lungful of crisp evening air. The door soon opened, and there she was, dressed in an adorable green sweater with reindeer prancing along it. My cheeks flushed red as I smiled at her.
"The guest of honour finally arrives," she said, smiling back. "Let's get you out of the cold."
I followed her inside. "Thanks for letting me come over. You sure your folks are fine with it?"
"Absolutely," she nodded. "C'mon, you're just in time."

She led me into the dining room, where the table was piled up with quite the spread. Corn, mashed potato, sprouts, carrots, the works. In the centre was quite a large mound of roast hay and straw. Hard Dough and Lakesong were already seated, but the latter was happy to get up and hug me in greeting. Even Pudding Pop graced me with a hoof-bump. Either he was in a good mood from getting showered in gifts, or he'd forgiven me for making a donkey of myself in front of his friends. I wasn't about to complain, or ask.

We were soon digging into the meal. And let me tell you, roast hay and straw hits a lot different with equine taste buds. The pie went down a treat too, which I hoped helped endear the family to me a bit more. Especially since it really was a good pie.

Thanks, AJ.

"We heard about your little caper the other day," said River. "You stopped somepony from framing Applejack for robbery?"
I blinked. "How'd you find out about that?"
"It's in the papers." Her horn glowed, and she hovered up a copy of yesterday's newspaper. "See? Handypony Turned Slueth: Sharp Sight Stops Sven!"
I looked at the photo of me and those involved with the case inside Carousel Boutique. By the scowl on Svengallop's face, I was in the middle of my big final deduction. Who even took that photo?
"That's the long and short of it, yeah," I answered, shrugging. "I didn't really do much. Just wandered around until clues slapped me in the face."
"And without any resources from the Royal Guard," said Lakesong. "You're very sharp indeed."
"Oh, I just did what anypony would do," I said modestly, my face flushing warm again.
"Anypony coulda done it," added Hard Dough, "but you're the one who stepped up. You did good, kid."
"So you're a detective, huh?" asked Pudding. I picked up on his tone of voice, like he was actually impressed. "Do you wear the coat and hat and stuff?"
"Well, uh," I muttered, "not yet. If I stick with it, I could see about getting them."
"You should think about it," said River. "We've got Twilight and her friends to stop the world from ending, and Ponyville could use somepony to solve the smaller problems, y'know?"
"From what I've seen," added Lakesong, "these Ponies are too good to have some hotshot Canterlot detective throwing away accusations like they're yesterday's calzones."

I had to admit, they had good points. Solving that case on my own was pretty fun, and it felt good to help somepony in need. It helped that it wasn't some kind of world-ending disaster, so not that much pressure. Plus, if somepony like me didn't hadn't done what I did, that Detective Hawkshaw would have Applejack spending Hearth's Warming in a cell.

Wonder what Basil's up to right now? Probably leaning over his desk and monologuing over a bottle of cheap apple whiskey. With a wreath on the door. Yeah, that's good and festive.

"I'll definitely think about it," I said, trying not to smile with too much pride.

After dinner, we all worked to clean up and stow away the leftovers for later. Even Pudding lent a hoof, much to his chagrin. I couldn't blame him: cleaning up on the holidays when you just wanted to play with your new toys was the biggest buzzkill of the year.

"You don't have to pitch in," said River, washing a plate with her magic. "You're a guest."
"I'm not gonna sit on my butt watching everypony do all the work," I insisted, taking the plate to dry it off with a cloth.
She gave me a cheeky smirk. "I would've."
I returned it. "I know. I'm practically doing your half."
Her smile wavered ever so slowly. "Hey, when we're done, I've got something to give you."
I tilted my head. "Yeah?"
She nodded. "I kinda wanna do it somewhere... y'know, nice. How about in the park?"
"Your house is nice," I offered.
"It's also crowded. This is... well, I don't want Pudding hovering around us."
My eyes bulged ever so slightly. I had a feeling I knew what this was about, but I tried not to get my hopes up. "Y-yeah, sure. The park sounds great."
"Cool," she smiled. "Let's head over when we're done."

Soon enough, the two of us were walking toward the park together. The snow crunched softly beneath our hooves, and from the steam flowed from her nostrils, River seemed a bit nervous herself. She had put on the jacket I got her over her sweater, which I tried to hide my joy over.

Calm, Sharp. You have no idea what this could be about.

We arrived at the park and stopped at one of the bridges. The river and pond were still frozen, and the warm lamplight helped me make out a few distinct scratch marks from ice skates gliding across the surface. It was nice and quiet, with only a few couples that kept their distance from each other.

"Well, here we are," I said. "So, what's up?"
Rivershine's eyes darted for a moment before they fixed on mine. "I... I got you something too. For Hearth's Warming, I mean."
Her horn glowed, and I watched as a small box emerged from the jacket pocket. It lowered onto my raised hoof.
"I was mulling over whether to give it to you or not for a few days, but this?" She nodded to the jacket. "This kinda told me that I should."
I pursed my lips for a moment, then flipped open the lid. Inside was a small collection of green stems, sporting little leaves and tiny red berries. A pink bow tied them all together at the base.
I furrowed my brow, wondering what this was about. Then my heart skipped a beat. I knew exactly what those stems were.
"The fact you're always willing to spend time with me," she went on, catching the look on my face. "How you're always willing to go along and help me out with stuff, and the way you turn into even more of a dork when I'm in your line of sight. And then taking a holiday retail job just to buy me a gift? It's pretty clear what's going on."
My ears drooped and my face flushed even redder than my maroon/burgundy fur should have allowed.
"So, since you got me this jacket," she continued, "I got you a gift too: My answer."

Her horn glowed, and the mistletoe rose from the box, hovering in the air above our heads.

"Y-you mean...?!" I squeaked.
She gave me the warmest, most inviting smile I'd ever seen. "Let's give it a shot."

My mind went blank from then on. But the one thing I was sure of was that, even with my eyes closed, I could tell our lips had locked together.

21 - Winter's Going

Some days after Hearth's Warming, Rivershine and I stood in front of the town hall, where it looked like everycreature in Ponyville had gathered. They all looked excited, but I couldn't guess why until she started explaining to me.

"Winter what-now?" I said, just before yawning into my hoof.
"Winter Wrap-Up," Rivershine repeated. "The town gets together to clear up the winter and bring in spring."
"Like ploughing snow?"
"Well yeah, but there's more to it."

The Mayor took the stage, tapped the microphone and blew into it. "Testing. Hello? Is this on?" she muttered into it. The resulting feedback was enough to hush the crowd. "Ahem, good morning! I hope everycreature had a wonderful Hearth's Warming."
Rivershine and I exchanged smiles.
"Now, it's time to begin this year's Winter Wrap-Up! I'm so happy to see such a turnout. Now, for those who don't know, it's Ponyville tradition to shovel the snow, clear the clouds from the skies and wake up the slumbering critters without magic. We'll all get our hooves, claws and paws dirty together."
"I'll try not to leave you the hardest jobs," I murmured with a smirk.
"And I won't leave you the easiest ones," Rivershine shot back.
"And to introduce this year's teams," the Mayor continued, "I'll pass over to this year's All-Team Organiser, Starlight Glimmer."

A round of applause sounded as the School of Friendship's Headmare took to the podium. Instead of her usual cardigan, that morning she was wearing a blue and green vest with tan lining.

"Thank you, Ms. Mayor," she began. "I'm so honoured to be chosen as this year's All-Team Organiser. For any newcomers, as the name suggests, my job is to keep the teams running smoothly while the captains are busy. It helps that I can literally be in three places at once," she added playfully, nodding up at her horn. "I've spoken with the Mayor, and she agreed that since it's technically not being used to physically help with the Wrap-Up, I'm allowed to use my cloning spell to advise all three teams. Just in case any questions are raised."
"The Great and Powerful Trixie approves of this loophole!" a mare called from the crowd.
"Um, thank you," said Starlight, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, I took the liberty of assigning everycreature to the team they're best suited for. Don't ask how I determined that. Once you've got your vest, make your way to your team leader--they'll be wearing a legband."

I eventually got my own vest, which was tan. Rivershine's was green. I tried not to balk at the silhouette of a rabbit on mine.
"Ooh, you got the animal team," said River. "I'm on the plant squad."
"I don't have to deal with long-eared demons, do I?" I asked, looking around to see if any of them were lurking in wait to attack me.
"Mostly the other kinds, but I'll let you know if I spot any long-eared ones coming near you."
"Appreciate it." I looked toward other green-vested creatures gathering around Applejack, who was wearing a legband. "Looks like you're needed over there."
"Indeed I am. See you later?"
"Absolutely." We kissed on the lips before joining our teams. I tried not to prance too much on my way over.

I still couldn't believe I had a partner now. A romantic one. I took a chance and it paid off. I found myself often wondering if Valentine's Day. If there was, what should I do for her? Take her out? Buy her something? Cook? No, I didn't know how to cook. But I could learn.

Things were actually going great in the land of Ponies. A lot greater than when I was a human, at least.

I went to the tan-vested Ponies, where I spotted Fluttershy at the front with a legband. Good for her. Next to her was a similarly yellow Earth Pony with a blue ponytail (Ha!) and her own legband. I was pretty sure she was the local vet, but I wasn't sure. Didn't have a pet of my own and all. Wouldn't have minded one, though. Maybe a dog? I liked dogs. Did River like dogs? I could get her a dog for Pony Valentine's!

Focus, lover-boy.

"Alright, folks," the vet spoke up, "I'm Dr. Fauna and this is Fluttershy, and we'll be the leaders of the animal team this year. For any newcomers, our job is simple: We wake up the hibernating animals, clean out their dens and make sure they have food to get them going for spring."
A hippogriff raised a claw. "Don't animals wake themselves up after hibernating?"
"Most of them, yes," answered Fluttershy. It was a good thing the team was quiet or I wouldn't have heard a thing she was saying. "But we've got quite a bunch of sleepyheads to give a gentle wake-up nudge."
"It could cause the animals and the environment quite a bit of damage if they don't wake up on time," added Dr. Fauna, "so it's up to us to keep the balance of nature intact."
No pressure, then. Though, I felt the need to ask. "What kinds of animals are we dealing with?"
"Oh, just cute little hedgehogs, skunks and snakes," gushed Fluttershy.
Snakes? Cute?
"How do we wake them up?" asked a kirin.
"We'll go over what when we get there," said the vet. "We'll start at the park, then head to the animal sanctuary. Fluttershy lives near the Everfree Forest, so she'll take care of the outskirts when we're done."
"Outskirts?" repeated a deer. "We're not going into the forest?"
"Oh, no. The animals inside the forest take care of themselves, just like how the clouds there move themselves without Pegasi's help."

I seemed to be the only one there who didn't find that strange. If anything, everycreature else's surprised murmurs were what got me.

Fluttershy and Dr. Fauna led us out to the park, where creatures in blue vests were at work shovelling snow and...
"The weather team gets to ice skate?" I murmured to a Unicorn next to me, nodding toward the lake.
"They're scoring the ice to make it easier for the sun to melt," he explained.
"Ahh."

We gathered around the two captains, who started putting us to work.

"We'll start by splitting into two groups," Dr. Faunus began. "Every creature make a line in the middle. That's it, just split apart. Um, you, you and you move to that side. Perfect. Okay, this side is Group A, this side Group B. Group A, your job is to gather twigs and bedding to put together nests for the returning birds. Group B, you'll start waking up the hibernating creatures."
Fluttershy gave me a small bell, and I could only furrow my brow at it. "We're going to annoy them awake?"
"Oh, we'll just ring them nice and gently," she explained, "so we'll wake them up but not irritate them. Here, watch me." She floated over to a burrow and gently tinkled the bell at the entrance. "Rise and shine, little critters. Almost time for spring."
I watched as some skunks stumbled outside, yawning and shaking themselves out.
"Just like that," she said, beaming at me. A few creatures nodded in understanding, and we all got to work.

I approached another burrow and swallowed. I knew those... things lurked inside holes like this, and I'd be literally ringing the dinner bell. Though, maybe it would be something safer, like a viper.
I swallowed and gave the bell a little shake. "Uhh, hello? Winter's over, so, uh, up you get...?"
I heard scraping inside and stepped back. I bit my lip anxiously and my hooves prepared to flee the opposite direction, should the worst occur. I nearly let out a yelp when a nose poked outside, but relaxed when I noticed the creature's ears were notably short and its body much rounder and pricklier than a rabbit's. Though, it certainly looked ready to commit unspeakable things to me, giving me some rather irate squeaks.
"Oh dear," said Fluttershy as she trotted up to me. "I'm sorry, Sharp, I forgot Harold here made a hibernation hole here in the park. He wanted to take his family somewhere outside the sanctuary this year, you see."
"Oh, don't sweat it," I said, before looking down at the critter. "Uhh, what's hedgehog for 'My bad'?"
'Harold' let out another series of squeaks before disappearing back in the burrow.
"He said that at least you were polite about it," she translated. "Sorry about that, he's a bit cranky during the day. I'll make sure he moves his family back home tonight."
I nodded, then looked at her. "Wait, I can't understand him but he can understand me?"
"Animals can hear a lot more than you'd think," she said, smiling. "Why don't you try that burrow there? You've definitely got a grip on the technique."

I meandered over with her and gave the bell another little ring. "Uhh, morning in there. It's almost spring, and... don't be mad, I'm just doing my job."
I stepped back again, and watched a family of porcupines step out, bristling their long prickles. Thankfully, they didn't seem to be preparing said prickles for sticking into me for waking them up. In fact, one of them gave me a thumbs-up. It almost made me miss having digits.
"You're a natural," Fluttershy said proudly. "Once they're all woken up, we'll help the other group with finishing the nests, then move these little dears back to their homes."
"I don't know much about making nests," I admitted. "I can barely make my own bed."
"Oh, it's easy," she assured me. "Here, I'll show you."

I followed Fluttershy to a bench, where she showed me how to put a bird's nest together with twigs and such. She certainly made it look easy, but I clearly was an amateur in the art of nest crafting. Still, she was happy to help me through the first few. Dozen.

"They'll... certainly hold," she tried, taking a look at my creations. Well, my abominations.
"I just hope the birds don't stab themselves," I said flatly.
"Oh, they just need a little smoothing down," she assured me, doing just that with her hooves. "They'll appreciate that you took the time."
I took the liberty of copying her technique, which helped to make the nests at least somewhat presentable. She seemed satisfied, and I'd take that much from the resident animal expert.

My ear perked up when I heard voices from close by. I turned to see Starlight chatting to her clone. Or was the clone chatting to her? Or were these the two clones? I stopped thinking about it once my head hurt. Either way, they both looked a little frazzled.
"Don't look now," I said to Fluttershy, "but I think Starlight is arguing with herselves."
She took a look for herself. "Oh, my. Maybe I should see what's wrong?"
"I'll come with. I'm a bit tired of pricking myself with sticks." The two of us trotted over. "Hey, Starlights, everything alright?"
"Oh, Fluttershy, Sharp Sight," Starlight #1 sighed with relief. "Maybe you two can help."
"What's wrong?" asked Fluttershy.
"The plant team just checked Applejack's seed shed," explained Starlight #2, "and the seeds are missing!"

"Stolen seeds?" I repeated as Fluttershy and I followed Starlight #2 toward Sweet Apple Acres. "That's a new one."
"I couldn't imagine what anycreature would want with crop seeds," she said thoughtfully. "Especially during Winter Wrap-Up."

We arrived at the farm and approached the crop shed, where Applejack and a few of the plant team creatures were gathered. Rivershine was among them, and we exchanged a quiet, friendly wave. The farm mare was understandably incensed, given her pacing had worn a groove in the snow.
"Who in the hay is tryin' ta sabotage the Wrap-Up?" she demanded under her breath. "Ah swear, as soon as Ah find 'em..."
"As you can see," muttered Starlight #2, "she's not exactly in a thoughtful mindset right now."
Applejack looked up and spotted us. "Howdy, Fluttershy, Sharp Si--hang on a sec!" Her face lit up once she realised I was me. "Sharp Sight! Y'all might just be the Pony Ah need!"
I blinked. "I might?"
"Yer a dang good problem solver, and Ah got a real big problem on mah hooves right here."
"Oh, that's right!" Fluttershy beamed at me. "You cleared Applejack's name when Rarity's shop was robbed, didn't you?"
"Well, yeah, but-"
"Then this oughta be like findin' apples in an orchard in summertime," Applejack interrupted. "Just find our seeds and the varmint who stole 'em. We need that food, y'know!"

I was about to blurt out an excuse not to, given how I wasn't exactly an expert in agricultural investigations, but catching Rivershine's look of "Go on, smart guy" made me reconsider.

"I'll certainly take a look," I decided, walking to the shed. "So, what's the full story here?"
"Well, we got the fields plowed and ready fer plantin'," Applejack explained, "but when Ah opened the shed ta get the bags a' seeds, there was almost nothin' in 'em!"
I looked at the door and noted the padlock. "Was it locked when you got here?"
"Tighter than a tutu on a blue-ribbon pig, and Ah got the only key. Been carryin' it with me all through winter, and everythin' was right as rain when Ah last checked."

I looked inside the shed. Indeed, the large sacks were deflated and devoid of seeds. A few were scattered around the floor, meaning the culprit was sloppy in their theft. But something else on a sack caught my eye: a hole. Very tiny, but big enough to slip seeds through. I checked the other sacks, and each sported a similar hole. I pushed past the sacks, and noted some seeds lined almost like a trail to the back wall, where another hole was revealed.

"Fluttershy," I called, keeping my gaze fixed on it, "are we missing any animals to wake up?"
"I think we got all the hibernating critters," she answered.
"All the hibernating animals?"
"Y'all figured out who stole the seeds?" asked Applejack impatiently.
"I have a hunch," I said, and turned to face the Pegasus. "Tell me, do we have any rats in Ponyville?"
"Oh yes," she said, smiling. "Roquefort has a big family who lives near the café."
"Rats?!" shrieked Applejack. "Mah farm's got pests?!"
"They're not pests, Applejack," snapped Fluttershy, in a pointed voice that caught me off guard. "They'd never steal without good reason... anymore."
The Earther tipped her hat. "Sorry, Flutters, just this is mah livelihood here."
"I don't think it's an infestation, per say," I pointed out, mostly in an attempt to calm both parties. "Fluttershy, could we talk to these rat friends of yours?"

Fluttershy led me, Applejack and some of the plant team into town, and we entered an alley behind the café where we saw a pile of cardboard boxes. Fluttershy gave them a little knock with a hoof.
"Roquefort, are you home?" she asked softly. "I'm sorry to bother you so early, but we just need to ask you a question, if that's okay."
I heard some rustling from inside, and in a moment, out popped a large rodent's head from the boxes.

With a seed sticking out of its mouth.

"You lil' varmint!" snarled Applejack. It took me, Rivershine, and the entire plant team to hold her back. "Y'all stole mah crops!"
The rat, Roquefort I assumed, squeaked something to Fluttershy, who nodded along.
"He says finding food this winter was even harder than usual," she said. "And even the food I gave him wasn't enough. He didn't mean to steal from Applejack, but he was desperate to keep his colony fed and those seeds were just the trick."
That seemed to quell Applejack's rage, at least for the most part. "Well shoot, if y'all needed extra vittles fer yer folks, ya should'a asked! Well, asked Fluttershy, but y'know."
Another series of squeaks from Roquefort.
"He didn't want to impose," said Fluttershy.
"Whatever seeds ya got left, we need 'em ta grow crops with. Ah'm sure Fluttershy can set y'all up with some proper food till the snow's cleared."
"Oh yes, absolutely," the Pegasus agreed.
That seemed to satisfy the rat, according to the softer chitters coming from him.
"He's also wondering how we found out it was him."
"That'd be me," I said, raising a hoof. "The little holes at the bottom of the sacks, for one. The edges didn't show signs of being torn, but rather bitten open. And the space at the back of the shed looks big enough to get your head through, Roquefort."
"Because rats can squeeze through any hole their head can fit in!" Fluttershy gasped.
I nodded. "Exactly. I figured it might be rats because they don't hibernate, and mice would need a bigger entryway. Good thing Fluttershy came with us--of course Ponyville's last word in animal care would know where we'd find a colony in the area."

Roquefort tilted his head and gave his ears a wiggle. Even I could tell that was a sign he was impressed. Validation from a rat certainly wasn't something I thought I'd need.

With Roquefort's help, via Fluttershy's coaxing, the plant team got the seeds planted watered, ready to grow. Granted, that diversion meant we cut it pretty close with the nests--we just barely finished the last one before the weather team brought the birds back. I'd kept an eye on which branches my own nests were set on, and I felt a warmth in my chest when I saw how well they took to them.

Well, that's my good deed done for the day.

Soon the animal team was escorting the awoken animals to their proper homes in the trees and the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. While there, I couldn't help but gaze at the entrance. Supposedly, that was where that huge timberwolf came from. The one that brought me and River together. I suspected that was where the more fantastical creatures roamed. I wondered if I'd run into any more of them. Hopefully the ones that didn't want to eat my face.

After lending a hoof to the other teams with some finishing up, we were gathered back in front of the town hall. It was the late afternoon, and the sun was beginning to set.
"I think we've broken our Wrap-Up record this year!" chirped the mayor. "Well done, everycreature. Thank you all for your hard work."
"Twilight won't be happy to hear I out-organised her," Starlight snickered. She'd gone back to just one Pony, making things much less confusing.
"Now, everycreature relax and get ready for a prosperous spring," the mayor went on, "You've all earned it."

I returned my vest and gave myself a shake. Despite the chill still lingering, all that work really warmed me up.

"How was your first Warm-Up, detective?" asked Rivershine as she walked toward me.
"It was pretty fun," I admitted. "And I didn't run into anyAAHH!!" I shrieked as Fluttershy trotted past. Angel was on her back. Where did that soulless monster come from?! That careless gaze couldn't fool me--it wanted my blood!
"You okay back there?" asked Rivershine flatly, looking over her shoulder.
I gingerly emerged from behind her, my cheeks even redder than usual. "He was looking at me funny."
"Well look at him funny back."
"I'm not putting my soul at risk like that."
"Fair enough, I guess." She shrugged. "Wanna grab a bite? I'm starved."
I nodded. "Y-yeah. Food. Sure."

I walked with her to Hay Burger. First time I saw that place, I couldn't believe a land of magic and mythical creatures would have something like a fast food joint. Even though there was a bustling city just a train ride away, the smell of fryer grease was so strange coming in from the clean air. Not unwelcome, though--I was happy to shovel some deep-fried hay and horseshoe fries into my mouth after a long day's work.

"Y'know, hooking up on Hearth's Warming has a perk," she said. "We'll save money on anniversary gifts."
"Oh yeah, good point," I mumbled through a full mouth. Then I had the good grace to swallow. At least she thought it was kinda funny. Or she was doing that awkward laugh that signalled she was too polite to say she wanted to go.
"Y'know," she went on, "speaking of gifts, Hearts and Hooves Day is around the corner."
Hearts and Hooves Day? That had to be Valentine's Day in Equestria. Or something incredibly horrific. Then I realised something, and I coughed.
Around the corner? How around the corner?!
"S-so it is," I spluttered, taking a drink of soda.
Gifts, gifts, gifts! Uhh, jewellery? Clothes? Dog?!
"I was thinking maybe we could--"
"Dinner?!" I blurted out. Rivershine blinked.
"I was just about to say we could get dinner somewhere. You're not a bad detective, Sharp."
"U-um, yeah," I said, nodding. "Dinner. Dinner is good. I like dinner."
"Good, me too," she giggled. "There's a great Bitalian place in Canterlot. We could split a huge pizza and stuff our faces by candlelight or something."
I regained enough composure to consider the option. "Isn't Canterlot full of really fancy places with really tiny portions?"
"Ugh, more like infested with them," she spat. "I'm not spending a princess's ransom on a meal I need to find with a microscope. I want some real food, Sharp. Gimme a big bowl of carbonara any day."
My tail flicked and a smile crossed my face. "That sounds great. I'll see if I can get a reservation."
"You'll have to act fast," she warned. "Hearts and Hooves Day dinners are really picking up in Restaurant Row these days."

Travelling to another city and potentially wrestling other couples just to get dinner? Well, for Rivershine and pizza, it'd be worth it.

22 - That's Amore

The next day, I headed to Canterlot on my mission. I just hoped I wasn't cutting it close--Hearts and Hooves Day was around the corner, according to the calendars around town, and everypony seemed to be quite gung-ho about holidays. I wouldn't be surprised if snack trucks got reserved.

I was soon strolling down Restaurant Row, taking in my options. I knew Rivershine wanted a 'Bitalian' place (I figured I'd know the place when I saw it), but I wanted a plan B.

Knowing my luck, I'd be down to plan Z.

I peered through the windows as I passed, and I couldn't help but notice how... same-y a lot of restaurants were. Similar décor, similar wait staff uniforms, even similar, small, unappetising dishes that River had warned me about. A gnat would feel ripped off eating at these places.

Thankfully, they weren't the only options. A lot of other places were throwing out their own flavours. But therein laid the rub--they were the places with the longest lines of desperate boyfriends and husbands trying to make reservations. The sheer number of lip biting and hold tapping told me they were thinking what I was thinking: finding a table would be slim pickings.

I got into one such line, leading into a place named Sapore di Casa. It certainly sounded Bitalian, as far as I could deduce. The amazing smell of cheese sauce and herbs from inside gave me a big hint as to why it was a hot spot for dinner dates in Canterlot, though my position in line made me... less enthusiastic.

Still, no harm in asking, right?

I eventually got inside and had a glance around while I waited for the stallion in front of me to finish his business with the head waiter. Even on a normal day at lunchtime, the place was packed with customers. And I could see why--the pasta dishes some were eating looked absolutely phenomenal, and smelled even better. I even saw a family digging into a pizza that was almost as big as the table. I definitely saw why River wanted to come here. If I were a mare with a stallion desperate to impress me, I'd pick this place too.

"Hey, buddy." I looked ahead and noticed I was next in line. "Gonna guess youse lookin' for a table for Hearts and Hooves Day?"

"That's definitely the hope," I said, stepping forward.

"Well, 'fraid it's gonna stay a hope, pal," he said with the slightest hint of regret in his voice. "Guy in front'a ya just took our last table."

Even though I suspected it would happen, my heart sank all the same. "Just my luck." I watched the stallions behind me groan and wander off to look for another eatery.

"Sorry 'bout dat. Hearts and Hooves Day's one of our busiest nights, with stallions chompin' at da bit ta take their special somepony someplace nice, y'know? Even our al fresco tables are taken, and we're supposed ta get a chill dat week."

"Equestrians don't mess around with their holidays, huh?"

"You're tellin' me." He looked down at his reservation book. "Hey, if it's any help, we got some free tables tonight if ya wanna bring your lady friend anyway. Or guy friend, we don't judge."

I bit my lip as I weighed the option. "Well, she said she wanted to come here, so I guess earlier is better than never."

His horn lit up and he was about to quill me in, when a sudden voice from inside the restaurant made me jump.

"Aw, Tartarus!" a mare snarled. "Cap, where's that rigatoni?!"

"I'm workin' on it!" a younger stallion called. "We're runnin' outta dough here!"

"Again?! We're in the middle of a buckin' lunch rush here!"

"Cipolla!" an older mare snapped. "I told you about swearin' in da buckin' restaurant!"

The stallion looked at me with a sympathetic gaze. No doubt he read my 'deer in the headlights' eyes that I had gotten quite good at.

"Sorry 'bout dat," he said.

"It's fine," I said, once I'd calmed down enough to get words out. "Having problems back there?"

"Usually the chef's always on toppa things, even durin' a rush, but lately... I dunno. Somethin' ain't right." I noted how he lowered his voice.

"Really?" I had to admit, my curiosity was peaked now. And considering the other notable eateries around here were probably being bothered by desperate husbands and boyfriends, I didn't exactly have any other plans. "Well, I dabble in investigating, if you'd like me to look into something."

One of his eyebrows raised. "You a cop?"

"Nah, more a freelancer. I hooved this Sven-guy for robbery and trying to frame an innocent Pony for it."

His other eyebrow joined its friend. "Da Svengallop thing? You showed up dat up-his-own-flanks detective?"

"Yup." I tried not to sound too proud about it. "I've got a few hours to kill, anyway."

"Guess it couldn't hurt to let ya sniff around." He rubbed his chin, then shouted into the dining room, "Yo, Oliva!"

A rather pretty Unicorn mare trotted over. She wore the same fancy black shirt as the stallion. "Dis better be good, Panna. I'm up to my eyeballs in there."

"Dis guy thinks he can look into our shortages." He looked back to me. "Dis is my sister, Oliva Caponata. She runs the tables. Oh, and I'm Panna Cotta."

I nodded. "Sharp Sight. So, what's this about a shortage?"

"Follow me," said Oliva. "Da chef knows the most about it."

I walked with Oliva through the dining room, watching her apologise for any meals or sides some customers were waiting for while simultaneously listening to some heated arguing coming from the back.

The arguing went completely silent the moment the three Unicorns in the kitchen saw me. The young mare in a dirty chef's jacket stomped up to me. I wasn't sure what I was more scared of--the look of murder in her eyes, or the pasta knife she was swinging in her magical grip.

"You got a complaint, buddy?!" she growled, getting in my face. "I'll tell ya where you can stick it! Comin' inta my kitchen like some kinda big shot!"

"Cipo, he ain't a customer!" said Oliva, pushing her back. "He's gonna look into your shortage problem!"

What felt like an eternity passed before she finally lowered the blade and her glare softened. "Oh, my bad. Hey, uh, I got da hayballs ready."

"On it." Oliva's horn lit up and she took a plate in her magic. "Good luck, Mr. Sight."

"You really gotta put a lid on that temper, girl," the older mare lectured. "This is exactly what I'm talkin' about."

"Oh, I'm not going," I assured her. "I've been through a lot worse than having a knife pointed at me."

"What could be worse than my sister's wrath?" the stallion in a similar white jacket asked flatly.

"I'm real sorry about my daughter," the older mare said to me with a softer tone. "I'm Panelle di Ceci, da manager. Dis rage monster is my daughter, Cipolla Panzanella."

"How ya doin'?" murmured the mare in question, who had gone to kneading dough.

The stallion walked up to me. "I'm Capellini Primavera, da sous chef. In trainin'," he added quietly.

Suitably very Bitalian names, I was sure. "I'm Sharp Sight. So, I heard you've been having some problems?"

"Yeah," said Capellini. "See, we get wheat and stuff to make our dough from a farm out near Ponyville, but lately dey've been... doin' us dirty."

"Dirty how?"

"Dirty like dey barely send us any of the stuff," growled Cipolla. "We ain't had a problem before, but for da last month, we been gettin' short-changed. If we're dis low on Hearts and Hooves Day, we're done. I'm dis close to goin' over dere myself to see what da buck's goin' on."

"Cipolla..." warned Panelle.

"Sorry, Ma."

I tilted my head thoughtfully. This farm certainly didn't sound like it'd be a chore to get to, and I feel like I'd get a favour out of these Unicorns if I at least snooped around for them.

"I live in Ponyville," I said, "so I can check the place out for you."

Cipolla raised an eyebrow. "What's your game here, pal? You just doin' this outta the good'a your heart?"

"Isn't that a thing in Equestria?"

"Yeah, but we just met. Why do you wanna help us all of a sudden?"

"Let me guess," Panelle spoke up, "we're all booked up and you were lookin' for a Hearts and Hooves dinner for your special somepony?"

I opened my mouth, but no denial of that claim left my mouth. "Well, I'd hate to see a family business go under without doing something about it. And well, yes, that's a minor reason."

I expected the manager, the matriarch of this family, to cuss me out in Bitalian and give her daughter the go ahead to come at me with that pasta knife. But instead, she nodded with a soft smile. "You're doin' this for your sweetheart, huh? I can respect that. We're closin' 'til dinner in a little while, and Cipolla was gonna head to Ponyville to check things out. Why don't ya go with her and see what's goin' on?"

"Not a problem, ma'am."

Cipolla whipped her head up hard enough to nearly cause her red mane to fly off her head. "I don't need a bodyguard, Ma."

"No, but you do need somepony to do the talkin'."

"But Ma--"

"Cipolla, you're goin' with the nice stallion and that's final. Me and Capellini will take care of the kitchen if ya get back late."

The younger mare's upper lip curled irritably. "Fine. Stick around, wise guy, but don't get in the way. I got work to do here."

"You haven't stopped doing your job once since you nearly stabbed me," I pointed out.

"I only stop when it's closin' time. And don't forget it."

"Want some breadsticks while ya wait?" asked Capellini, floating a small basket toward me.

It wasn't long before Cipolla and I were on the next train to Ponyville. Despite being next to each other, I could barely get a peep out of her while she scowled out the window. I couldn't yet tell if I'd offended her with my mere presence, or if she just had a very serious case of RBF.

"We might've gotten off on the wrong hoof," I tried. "Sorry if I did anything to upset you."

A moment passed before she let out a sigh. "Nah, it's my bad. Dis whole thing's got me wound up, is all. I don't wanna see Pop's business get shut down because we're gettin' screwed outta product, y'know?"

"Pop?" I repeated. "Your mom doesn't own the place?"

"She runs the place," she explained, "but my Pop, Zuppa di Pesce, owns it. We used ta have a place in Manehattan but, well, it's Manehattan. They got a pizza place on every street. But out in Canterlot? Sapore di Casa is one of a kind. We're the only Bitalian bistro on Restaurant Row, and we kinda wanna keep it that way."

"Are you facing competition?"

"Dat's what I think. Some wise guy's tryin' ta muscle in on our turf and push us out. But I ain't gonna let 'em." She punched her hooves together.

"Well, we'll get the full picture when we arrive, I hope."

She turned to look at me, her glare softening. "Panna told me about you. Da guy from da papers before Hearth's Warmin', right?"

"Depends on what the story was."

"Said you helped your friend clear her name and showed up dis fancy-flank detective." She smirked. "Gotta say I respect that, Sharp. Between you and me, I never liked dat guy."

"Thanks." I didn't admit it out loud, but it did feel good getting one up on Detective Hawkshaw. I wondered what he was up to at the moment. Probably dealing with a more serious crime than pasta embezzlement.

"By the way," she went on, "I saw you starin' at my flanks."

"Y-you wha-?" I yelped. "I was just... looking at your cutie mark, is all! Besides, I have a marefriend."

"Relax, I know you ain't checkin' me out," she assured me. "I just got the kinda body that comes with bein' raised on carbs, y'know?"

I breathed probably the biggest sigh of relief I've ever done. I certainly wasn't checking her out, but I certainly wouldn't complain if River had a butt like that.

"And if you are curious," she went on, nodding toward her cutie mark--a wooden spoon and a pasta ladle crossed over a bowl, "got it when I made my first perfect batch of carbonara. Ma and Pop were really proud."

I caught the slightest smile on her face when she turned her head back to the window, but I had the wisdom not to comment on it.

We soon arrived in Ponyville, and I followed Cipolla out of the station. I kept an eye out for Rivershine, mostly because I didn't want her to see me slinking out of town with another mare. She didn't strike me as the jealous type, but I didn't want to take any chances. I had a good thing going and the last thing I needed was an excuse to go back to the human world.

Luckily, the wheat farm wasn't too far out of town, but when the farmer tending the field saw us coming, he had a look like we were about to beat him up and take his lunch money. Or more fittingly, his lunch. Clearly, this wasn't Cipolla's first visit.

"I want answers, pal," she snarled, getting right in his face. "why're you messin' with our deal?!"

The poor guy looked ready to keel over and scream for his mother, so I decided to step in, pushing her behind me. "Um, we're from the Bitalian restaurant in Canterlot, and we were hoping you could set a few things straight."

"Look, I know what it looks like," he said, "but I'm not trying to mess with you. It's just that these two businessponies are demanding most of my harvest."

"And you didn't tell them you already got a deal with us?" growled Cipolla.

"I did!" he insisted. "But they said if I didn't comply, they'd buy out my land and turn my farm into a canning factory! And they've got the bits to do it!"

"Who are these businessponies?" I asked.

"They run a travelling pasta shop," he said, "I think they're in town today. They wanted almost the whole crop this time because 'they're a local business for the next few hours'."

"They WHAT?!" Steam was practically shooting out of Cipolla's nostrils. "So they're the ones tryin' ta shut down my restaurant?! I swear ta Celestia, I'm gonna--!"

"Let's! Look into this place first, shall we?" I interrupted.

"You'll know it when you see it," said the farmer. "Gaudiest travelling food shop I've ever seen."

Cipolla almost left imprints on the path as she stomped back to Ponyville. I followed as quickly as my legs let me, before the guards threw me in a cell for being an accomplice to public assault.

It didn't take long for us to find the pasta shop. A crowd had gathered in the town square, in front of... something that looked like it'd been dragged out of an antique roadshow. And around it were creatures digging into small cups of noodles and pasta, looking less than satisfied. But not enough to ask for a refund, which was the worst kind of unsatisfied.

"Come one, come all!" a stallion's voice rose from the cart. He sounded a bit like an old-timey news reader. "Enjoy some of the finest cuisine Bitaly has to offer!"

"Only at the Flim Flam Brothers' Travelling Pasta-Resistance!" another yelled out.

"Luscious linguini!"

"Riveting rigatoni!"

"Fabulous fettuccini!"

"And more tortellini than you can shake a breadstick at!"

I got a look at the two barkers. A pair of tall, skinny Unicorns, one with a curly moustache, dressed like barbershop singers. That, combined with their sales pitch and silly cart, made a smirk cross my muzzle. And then I thought of the name of their business, and a few creatures looked in mine and Cipolla's direction as I burst into hysterics.

"They can't be serious! That's what they're calling themselves?!"

"You haven't heard of the Flim Flam Brothers?" I looked up and quickly composed myself as Rivershine trotted over. "They're a couple of conponies who pop up every now and then to try and shill some form of snake oil."

"They've been here before?" I asked.

"At least twice, as far as I know. And they've been found out every time."

"And the locals are still throwing their bits at them?"

"For some reason, everyone forgets being scammed a few minutes after they leave."

Cipolla snatched a cup from a passing mare and took a bite of its contents, and proceeded to spit it out. "Ugh. Dis is a joke, and it ain't buckin' funny." She stomped around to do the same to some more hapless customers.

We both looked at her, and Rivershine began to ask, "Isn't that-"

"I'm not cheating on you!" I yelped.

She blinked. "Say what?"

"Um, context," I said, then let out a sigh. "I wanted to surprise you, but... I was gonna reserve a table for Hearts and Hooves Day at that Bitalian place you told me about, but they were all filled up when I got there. And I heard the chef was having a problem getting ingredients so I offered to help her out because I thought it might earn us a favour."

"You're helping a stranger just for me?" she summed up.

"Basically, yes."

"Aw, you big-hearted dweeb," she giggled, giving me a peck on the cheek which caused a dorky grin to creep on my muzzle. "Well, let me lend a hoof."

"What can you do?" I asked, then my eyes widened. "Wow, I couldn't have worded that worse if I tried."

She rolled her eyes with a smile. "Chill, I know what you meant."

Cipolla stomped back over with that trademark murderous fire in her eyes. "No doubt about it, Sharp--dese clowns are da ones movin' in on my racket." She looked at River and blinked. "Who's dis?"

"Oh, this is Rivershine," I said, smiling. "My marefriend."

"How's it goin'?" she said, her voice just a little less violent. "Cipolla Panzanella."

"You're the chef up at Sapore di Casa, right?" said River. "I love your calzones."

That actually got a smile out of the fiery redhead. "Heh, thanks."

"Well, I'm not gonna sit back and let those bozos mess with your place," said River firmly. "I have an idea: You two keep them busy, and I'll sniff around that eyesore of theirs for anything weird."

Cipolla punched her hooves together. "Oh, I got some words for dem."

I couldn't help but smile at my marefriend. "You're amazing, you know that?" I blurted out.

"Yes, I do," she grinned. "Alright, get to distractin'."

And with that, the three of us got to work. Cipolla and I pushed through the crowd while River slunk around the side.

"Don't be shy!" the non-moustached barbershop stallion said. "Come and try some authentic Bitalian cuisine!"

"Dis stuff's about as Bitalian as a burrito!" roared Cipolla, causing a few gasps from the crowd who dispersed to reveal us. I darted my eyes, suddenly feeling exposed.

"Oh, now that stings, young missy," said the moustached one, putting a hoof to his chest with a flourish. "We come from a Bitalian family, you know."

"Youse call yourselves Bitalian chefs and youse don't know pici from vermicelli!"

"Now now, my good mare," said the clean-shaven one, "making up words does not help your argument."

I almost heard a snap inside Cipolla's head and I quickly stepped in. "Gentlecolts, my name is Sharp Sight. I just wanted to ask some questions about your enterprise here."

"That's the Pony who caught Svengallop," a stallion whispered.

"He saved Winter Wrap-Up!" a filly gasped excitedly.

I tried not to smile too much at the thought of growing my own legend around town. Even if I was just taking care of local issues.

"Well, you certainly seem a bit more agreeable than your friend," said the mustachio stallion. "Wouldn't you agree, Flim?"

"I would agree, Flam," the other stallion agreed. "Perhaps we can come to an agreement, good sir?"

"I'd agree to that," I agreed.

Stop it.

I cleared my throat. "Anyway, my first question: Have you been experiencing a stock shortage lately?"

"Well, take a look, my friend," said Flim, waving a hoof to the crowd. "The amount of pasta cups we're selling should answer that for you."

"It's just strange," I said. "See, my... passionate friend here is the chef at a professional Bitalian bistro on Restaurant Row, and for a while now, they've been experiencing a shortage."

"Oh, I've been there," a stallion murmured. "The food is amazing."

"They make the best pizza in Equestria, hooves down," a mare agreed.

"Well, that's certainly unfortunate," said Flam, "but it has nothing to do with us. We've only been running this modest little business for a month."

"See, that's the funny thing," I said, raising an eyebrow. "Sapore di Casa has been suffering a shortage for a month."

"Quite the funny coincidence indeed," said Flim. I caught his eyes darting for a split second.

"In any case, we're a couple of honest Bitalian pastatiers," said Flam.

"And yet, you need this?" they heard from behind them. Rivershine emerged from the cart with something in her magical grip.

A book, titled Pasta Crafting for Beginners.

She tossed it to me and I managed to catch it. Go me. "Now what's this? Authentic Bitalian pasta makers need a cook book?"

"That's not ours!" yelped Flam. Sweat trickled down his face and his moustache flopped down.

"You shouldn't be snooping through our things!" snapped Flim as River trotted past them. "W-Which that isn't! Clearly that was planted! We don't need a book to make pasta!"

"How about you put your bits where your mouths are?" dared River. "How about you face Cipolla in a cook-off?"

"A... cook-off?" Flim and Flam repeated, swallowing.

I put on the same smirk as River. "Surely a pair of experts like you should have no problem against her?"

"Two against one, huh?" Cipolla stretched her neck at each side. "I've done worse. Let's go, wise guys."

"I'll be the referee," said River, "and the crowd here can be the judge."

The gathered creatures seemed to like the sound of that, according to the raising "Cook-off! Cook-off!" chants. A pair of tables were quickly set up and Rivershine made sure each had the same amount of ingredients and equipment. Cipolla stood at one table, cleaning her hooves, while the Flim Flam Brothers looked ready to hightail it from their own table any second.

"Okay, the rules are simple," called River. "Each side has to make as much carbonara as possible. Members of the crowd will decide which one is the best, and therefore, the winner. No kneading dough below the belt. Are both sides ready?"

"I got an hour 'til the dinner shift starts," said Cipolla, "so I'll make dis quick and painful."

Flim raised a hoof. "I, uh, don't suppose we could take a peek at that book really qui-"

"GO!" yelled River.

The crowd whipped into a frenzy as the cook-off got underway. Though, it was less a competition and more a merciless curbstomping. Cipolla worked her station like a conductor leading an orchestra, melting cheese into sauce and using her hooves to knead the pasta dough and cut it into long strands. She was even doing it with her eyes closed. Last time I tried to do something with my eyes shut, I nearly knocked myself out for an hour.

The brothers, meanwhile, clearly had no idea what they were doing. Without that book to guide them, they were throwing globs of dough all over the place while they squabbled and tried to remember what carbonara looked like. I honestly nearly felt bad for them, being publicly embarrassed like this. Though, according to River, being humiliated in front of an audience was the one thing they were good at.

And after the very obvious winner was chosen at the end (I wasn't sure if the dish Cipolla was competing with could even be qualified as an edible substance), the brothers announced a conveniently timed "conflict of interest" and announced the closure of their Pasta-Resistance.

"I suppose the life of pastatiers is not for us, dear brother," lamented Flim as they strapped themselves to their cart.

"Da word is pastaio!" roared Cipolla, causing them to make tracks sooner than expected. "Minchione!"

Hearts and Hooves Day had finally come, and the staff of Sapore di Casa certainly did me a solid for helping them. Now that their stock was replenished, their Hearts and Hooves dinner rush went down without a hitch. Naturally, they couldn't kick out any of the couples that had reserved tables, but they managed to do something almost better.

"I kinda like this, actually," said Rivershine. "It's nice and quiet, and it's private."

"I'm glad," I said, "because it was either this or Hay Burger."

"I'd be down for Hay Burger," she said with a shrug.

"Oh, now you tell me," I chuckled.

The staff had allowed River and I to come in after closing to enjoy a quiet meal all to ourselves. The lights were turned down, leaving the candles on our table to illuminate the delicious calzones and gelato we'd been digging into. She wasn't kidding about the food here--Cipolla was an amazing cook. Even the breadsticks were great!

"So, uh," I said after Oliva cleared the table, "Happy Hearts and Hooves Day."

"You too." She smiled. "You didn't have to go through all that trouble for me."

I smiled back. "Well, I did it anyway."

"And I did something for you." Her horn glowed and a sizeable wrapped gift floated onto the table before me.

"For me?" I asked with genuine surprise, and I started tearing it open. I lifted and beheld my gift--a dark, wool-lined coat. Dark, pale blue, according to the candlelight. I wasted no time in trying it on, and finding it was a perfect fit and really comfortable.

"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Detective Sharp," chirped River. "I asked Rarity to put that together for you. We both thought the 'brooding trenchcoat and fedora' thing wasn't really you, so we went with that."

It was hard to see it properly in the dim, but I already knew for certain that I loved it. I wasn't a licensed investigator, but wearing this already made me feel so professional. "It's... it's perfect! Thanks so much."

"Make sure you wear it when you go around detecting," she said with a cheeky smirk. "I put a lot of bits into that."

"This didn't put you out of pocket, did it?" I asked, frowning.

"Nah, I'm kidding," she assured me. "I make enough to cover it."

I tilted my head. "Y'know, you never told me what your job is. You know I'm an amateur detective, but... what about you?"

River's smile quickly evaporated, and her eyes darted. "Um, not here," she said in a hushed voice. "Let's go out and talk about it."

Curious, I obliged and paid for the meal (leaving a tip for the great food and service, naturally) and the two of us walked out. Now that the eateries were closed, Restaurant Row was barren, leaving us only with the street lanterns to guide us around.

"Okay, we're alone by the looks of it," I said. "So what's the big secret?"

"I wanna put all my cards on the table before we get further into this relationship," she said, surprisingly gravely. "I need you to promise that what I'm about to tell you stays between us."

"Okay, I promise." My ears flopped. "You're not a serial killer, are you?"

"No! No!" she yelped, waving her hooves. "Nothing like that! Just, I've been on strict NDA for a while. I only recently got clearance to tell you what I've been doing."

"NDA? Clearance?" I repeated. "River, what's going on?"

Rivershine took a deep breath and looked me square in the eyes. "Sharp, have you heard of S.M.I.L.E.?"

23 - Secrets of a Ponyville [REDACTED]

"I have heard of a smile, yes," I said, blinking. "We make each other do it a lot, right?"

Rivershine raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. I kept up my quizzical gaze long enough for her to soften her glare. "Oh, you're not joking."

"I don't think I am, no."

"Okay, I'll explain." River took another deep breath. "I'm an agent for the Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria."

It took me a second. "Oh, S.M.I.L.E."

She gave me a half-smile. "Basically, I track down strange creatures and stop them from causing Equestria any harm. Not the likes of griffins or dragons, mind you--they're recognised as citizens."

"So what do you deal with?"

"Y'know, bugbears, rogue changelings, chimeras, stuff like that."

"I think I get it," I said, "but what does that have to do with me?"

River looked down and rubbed one hoof behind the other. For the first time, it looked like she wasn't sure what to say. "How do I put this...?"

"Do you think I'm gonna destroy the world or something?" I asked flatly. That managed to get a snort of laughter out of her.

"Nah, nothing like that. Last year, we picked up a strong magical signal. Princess Twilight personally confirmed that it was her doing, and that was transdimensional teleportation."

"When I showed up," I deduced.

"Exactly. She and her friends are agents themselves, as are Lyra and Sweetie Drops. You'll know her by her undercover name: Bonbon."

This was all getting difficult to take in. "Is everypony in town an agent?"

"No, the Ponyville sector is just Twilight and her friends, Lyra, Bonbon, and me."

"But what does this all have to do with me?" I asked. "You think I'm a monster?"

"Not in the 'civilisation-threatening force of evil' sense," she assured me. "More in a 'strange new creature wandering around' way. Basically, once Twilight filled us in on what happened and how you got dragged into it, we've all been watching out for you. Rarity set you up with some furniture, Pinkie set up that party to help you feel welcome, all that stuff."

I looked at her. I was a bit shocked, maybe a little angry that my strings were being pulled all this time. "Wait, so the house, the jobs, the timberwolf... those were all planned?"

"Not those, no," she said. "We were pretty surprised at how independent you are, looking for work and a place to live by yourself. For someone who was plucked out of a completely different universe, you really rolled with the punches. As for the timberwolf... well, you and I were never supposed to meet face-to-face. My mission was to keep an eye on you from the shadows and make sure you got along okay."

"I do remember feeling like I was being followed," I said, thinking back to my first day in Canterlot.

She smiled. "You have good instincts. That was me. Though, the timberwolf wasn't part of the plan--you really did save my flank back then, and I couldn't really say nothing and vanish, y'know?"

My ears lowered. "So the whole time, you've known I'm a...?"

"Yeah," she admitted. "Twilight told us everything."

"Well, um, I guess this is pretty awkward for you, huh? Since I'm a human and all..."

"Well, you were a human," she pointed out. "You're a Pony now. Well, at least, until you go back." She looked down as she finished that. Like she'd actually feel bad if I left Equestria.

"I'm not really in a hurry to leave," I assured her. "In fact, I'll be honest with you: I don't know if I want to leave at all."

She looked back up at me. "Really?"

"I didn't really have anything going for me back there. No real friends, no romance, nothing. But that all changed when I came here. I met some really great Ponies, especially you. This is gonna sound really cheesy, but the thought of leaving you to go back there... I can't do it, y'know?"

"That is really cheesy," she giggled. "But really sweet. It's a good kind of cheese. I'd put that on my pizza."

I returned her smile for a moment. "Um, I'm sorry for not telling you myself, but..."

"To be fair, 'I'm actually a human' would certainly get weird looks, even in Ponyville."

"Pretty much, but--" She shushed me with a hoof over my mouth.

"Dude, don't sweat it. Our cards are on the table now."

"Yeah, now you know I'm a human."

"And you know that I'm a secret agent/monster hunter."

"Why do you get to have the cool secret?"

"Hey, technically you're an alien. That's pretty cool."

"You're not scared of me abducting you?"

"I'd suplex you first."

"Fair enough."

We laughed and pressed our lips together for a kiss.

"So, we're still doing this?" I asked.

"I'm down for it if you are." She gave me a warm smile.

"I sure am."

We managed to catch the last train to Ponyville for the night. We had a whole car to ourselves, and the lights were dim enough for a nice atmosphere without it being so dark you're tripping over your own hooves looking for the toilet car.

And of course, being the mature stallion I was, I took the advantage of our solitude to grill her about her secret agent job like an excited kid.

"So, S.M.I.L.E.," I began, "what do you do exactly?"

"Simply put, we hunt down monsters attacking towns and villages before a mass panic starts," she explained. "Ponyville is a pretty easy post, though--weird stuff happens there all the time, so nopony bats an eyelash when a bugbear attacks."

"Hey, what are bugbears like here?"

"Pretty much what you think they are: giant bears with bee parts. Extra legs, a stinger, all that stuff."

I pumped my hoof in the air. "I knew it!"

"Hey, hang around me long enough, you might meet Cerberus."

I snorted, but I caught the look on her face. "Wait, really? Like, 'giant three headed dog' Cerberus?"

"He guards the entrance to Tartarus. Biggest monster prison in Equestria."

My jaw dropped. "Shut up."

"No, really." She grinned. "If you're lucky, I'll take you to meet him."

For the rest of the ride, River told me about a mission where she had to deal with a gang of rogue changelings taking over a town called Dodge Junction one Hearts and Hooves Day. How they were trying to build enough power to release their queen from her stone prison.

"You saw the statue of a creepy bug-looking Pony in Canterlot, right?"

"Yeah?"

"That's the prison. You just looked into Queen Chrysalis's eyes."

"Oh. Fun."

It was late at night when the train finally pulled into Ponyville. We kissed each other goodnight and went our separate ways toward our homes. My hooves echoed through the empty street, as did my yawn. Despite the bombshell that my marefriend was a secret agent, my stomach full of pasta was telling me it was time to sleep. I had plenty of time to think tomorrow.

Though, suddenly getting yanked into an alley certainly woke me up.

"Wha-?!" I yelped, getting pinned to the wall by a mare wearing sunglasses.

"So, she told you?" she asked, lowering her shades.

"Bonbon?" I gasped. "Or is it Sweetie Drops?"

"Bonbon to you, for now," she said, letting me go and dusting off my coat. "You know all about S.M.I.L.E. now, then?"

"Only as much as River told me," I answered. "Wait, how do you know about that?"

"Because she's been planning it since New Year's," said a new voice. Lyra came trotting up to us in her own shades. "She really trusts you, y'know."

"She had to get special clearance just to get permission to tell you," Bonbon added. "A lot of red tape was involved, I don't mind telling you."

"Why are you telling me?" I wondered. "Did River not give me the whole story?"

"We want you to know how serious it is that you know as much as you do," she continued. "And that you don't tell a single soul what you've heard tonight."

"Got it, humie?" asked Lyra with a grin. "You're a confidante now."

I darted eyes between the two. "What does that mean? Do I have to become an agent now?"

"Not necessarily," Bonbon assured me. "You've got our secret, and now you need to keep it. As well as occasionally do some recon work for us."

"Recon work?"

"We noticed you've got a real nose for mysteries," said Lyra, "so if we've got a suspicion something's going on, we might ask you to sniff around for us. Gather some intel before we act."

I tilted my head. "Don't you have guys to do that?"

"Sure," said Bonbon, "but more hooves make lighter work."

"Plus, if you get caught by a gang boss or cult leader, you can't get traced back to us," smiled Lyra.

So that was the rub. "And I'm guessing if I say no, you'll wipe my memory and have me completely forget about River?"

"Basically, yeah."

"In other words, I don't really have a choice."

"You got it."

I sighed through pursed lips. "Fine, I'll be your mole. And I won't tell anyone that a pair of top secret monster hunters just blackmailed me into doing it."

"Smart boy," giggled Lyra.

"We'll hold you to that, human," said Bonbon, putting her shades back on. "And we'll make sure you do."

They trotted past me onto the street, and I decided I needed to know something. "Why are you wearing sunglasses at night?"

"To protect our identities, of course," said Bonbon.

"But everypony can see your cutie marks. And you kinda have pretty distinct manes. If anything, you'll look even more suspicious dragging somepony into an alley like that."

"See?" groaned Lyra. "I told you we should've worn the trenchcoats!"

"But they're so stereotypical," sighed Bonbon. "Besides, it's warm tonight."

"How did you not knock over any garbage cans waiting for me in there?"

"Forget the sunglasses!" snapped Bonbon. "Just keep your mouth shut about tonight."

"We'll be watching you, Sharpy!" chirped Lyra, stretching her neck to keep her glare on me as long as possible before disappearing around the corner.

I took a few minutes to compose myself (and to make sure those two had gone away) before I returned home.

I really need to get that PI thing off the ground before those two have me chasing a dragon egg smuggling ring or something.

24 - Castle of Illusions

Over time, word of my supposed sleuthing skills was spreading around Ponyville. Locals were knocking on my door to ask me for help, whether it was to find something or somepony, or to find something out.

The only issue was they weren't exactly newsworthy cases. Not even the local newsletter would print that I'd helped Berry Punch find her cat snoozing on top of the wardrobe. And I won't lie, it was starting to frustrate me a little.

"Who cares if it doesn't make the papers?" said Rivershine, the two of us having lunch al fresco at the café one day. "You're doing Ponyville a great service."

"Is it that great, though?" I asked, biting into a daisy sandwich. "I'm finding one of Cheerilee's misplaced textbooks or discovering a fruit bat is raiding Strawberry Sunrise's garden. They could ask anypony to do that."

"Sure they could, but they don't," Rivershine said, smiling. "They ask you."

"Yeah, but anypony could do what I get asked to do. Some probably better than I could, at that."

"And you're the one stepping up," Rivershine pointed out. "Princess Twilight and her friends are usually taking care of big-scale problems or personal issues, so they're going to miss a cat needing saved from a tree. It's good to have somepony looking out for the little guy, y'know?"

I looked at her, and I saw her point. It was a good point too. They were small problems, but they were still problems. Problems that the locals seemed to think I was capable enough to take care of for them. And it wasn't like I was doing it for nothing--Berry Punch gave me a bottle of cider for helping her, Strawberry Sunrise's strawberries are delicious.

"Well, now I just feel like a jerk," I muttered, looking down at my sandwich.

"Oh, you just needed some perspective," said Rivershine. She reached over and lifted my chin with her hoof. "I totally get it: you got a taste of the limelight, and you want more. But just keep doing what you're doing, and the big cases will come to you."

I found myself smiling at her. "I really don't deserve you."

"Nope, but I'm stuck with you so I'm making the most of it." She stuck her tongue out with a cheeky wink.

We both shared a laugh, before I decided to share an idea I had for the future. "Y'know, when I get my place all paid off, I might convert part of it into an office."

"Yeah?" Rivershine's eyes lit up. "Going full-on Private Eye?"

"It seems to be picking up," I said, sipping my coffee. "Plus, it might encourage the locals to actually pay in money. I appreciate the gifts and all, but they're not gonna pay for the essentials unless I take them down to the weekend market."

"You just want to look legitimate and show up that fancy Canterlot detective, don't you?"

River's smirk broke through me. "Okay, that too a little."

"Keep playing your cards right and I don't see why it couldn't happen. I'll even toss a few cases your way if I can."

"Really?" It was my eyes' turn to light up. "That'd be awesome!"

"As long as you help me and the girls out from time to time," she went on.

"Yeah, I know." I rested my head in my hoof. "It's not exactly easy to forget, with Lyra side-eyeing me in passing."

"Just making sure, sweetie." River leaned over and pecked me on the nose, before slurping down the last of her coffee. "I better get going. Sweetie wants me to help her go over a case file."

"Want a hoof?" I offered.

"We might, but we'll let you know."

With our meetup finished, River and I went to go about our days. A smile crept on my face as I kept thinking about my dream office. My name on the door, a mahogany desk, a filing cabinet to keep all my solved cases and clues, a trenchcoat and stetson to wear while I do brooding monologues in my head.

So the monologues you already do, only with a depressed inner voice?

Yes, basically.

But first things first. I needed some real bits so I could pay off my loan. Then I could worry about renovating when it was nice and legal. That meant I needed a big case. Something with a big payoff.

"There he is!" I heard a young voice behind me. I turned around and raised an eyebrow at the trio of familiar fillies marching up to me.

"So, call yourself a detective, do you?" asked Scootaloo, glaring up at me with a stink-eye.

Apple Bloom jumped on her back to sneer at me. "A private eye?"

Sweetie Belle used her magic to levitate herself onto Apple Bloom's back to get nose-to-nose with me. "A regular gumshoe?"

I opened my mouth to answer before the Cutie Mark Crusaders' little totem pole teetered and collapsed onto itself. Thankfully, they didn't seem to be in any pain. Thankfully because I couldn't afford three separate lawsuits.

I took a moment to look down at them with sheer bewilderment. "Can I help you girls with something?"

"I'll say you can," said Scootaloo as she fluttered onto her hooves. "You're stealing our thunder, buddy."

"Say what?"

"We're the detectives 'round here, Mr. Sharp," said Apple Bloom.

Alright, this was a new one. "Wait, I thought you were cutie mark consultants, and tutors at the School of Friendship?"

"Oh, we are," said Sweetie Belle, rolling her hoof. "The detective stuff is more of a side hustle."

"Got more than five cases under our belts," added Scootaloo, "so to speak."

"So, what? I'm treading on your beat?" I guessed.

"That's right, and we ain't much appreciatin' it," said Apple Bloom. "Though, we might forgive ya and let ya keep operatin' on our off time, if ya agree ta a lil'... arrangement."

Own hoof, meet own face. "Okay, I'll bite. What do you want?"

For the most split of seconds, I saw the three exchange some eager grins.

"You might have heard about the story surrounding the abandoned castle in the Everfree Forest," said Sweetie Belle.

"The Castle of the Two Sisters?" I guessed. "What legend is that?"

"Legend says it's where Princess Luna once became Nightmare Moon," answered Scootaloo. "They say that a part of the dark energy that changed her haunts the ruins and messes with anypony trying to investigate."

"And we wanna see if there's any truth ta it," added Apple Bloom... then tapped her front hooves sheepishly. "We don't wanna go without a grown-up."

"We're not scared or anything!" Scootaloo quickly interjected.

"Nothing to be scared of in an old castle in the middle of a creepy forest in the dead of night," agreed Sweetie Belle. "We just want a fellow investigator's thoughts on the matter."

There it was. These three wanted to debunk a local legend and I was to be their chaperone.

"Don't you have guardians for that kind of thing?" I pointed out. "Sisters and such?"

"Big Mac's away helpin' Sugar Bell, and Applejack's gonna be bushed after workin' the farm all day," said Apple Bloom. "And Granny Smith'll be asleep before we get there."

"There's no way I'll get Rarity to agree to explore an old castle," groaned Sweetie Belle. "All the dust and cobwebs will make her have a breakdown."

"My aunties are going out for dinner," added Scootaloo. "And Rainbow Dash is taking night classes at the School of Friendship."

"And this can't wait until one of them is available?" I asked. "I mean, this sounds dangerous."

"C'mon, Mr. Sight," Sweetie Belle pleaded. "It's not like we won't listen to you. We're professionals."

"You're just as professional as I am."

Scootaloo beamed. "See? It works!"

"S'far as everypony knows, we're havin' a safe and sound campout," said Apple Bloom.

I sighed. "You realize if any of you gets hurt and your guardians find out I let you talk me into this - knowing you're lying about what you're doing, by the way - it'll be my head on a pike?"

"Being a detective isn't without risks," said Sweetie Belle with a grin.

I saw the glints in their eyes. "You're going to do it no matter what I say, aren't you?"

They nodded.

It took all my willpower not to scream to the Pony heavens. "Alright, fine, I'll go. Just to make sure you don't get hurt."

"YES!!" the Crusaders cheered.

"We'll meet up near Fluttershy's cottage tonight," said Scootaloo.

"And, uh, sorry about the 'bad cop' treatment before," added Sweetie Belle. "We've been working on it."

"Y'all won't regret this, Mr. Sharp!" chirped Apple Bloom as the three trotted off, eagerly muttering to themselves.

Wanna bet?

It was just as well I had nothing going on that night, or I wouldn't have given the girls' little scheme a second thought. That, and I knew they'd go for it with or without me and I couldn't deal with hearing they'd gotten hurt. Or somepony pinning the blame on me somehow.

The chilly evening breeze blowing my mane made me glad I put my coat on. It was still summer, but autumn was definitely on its way. Good a time as any for foals to get into some shenanigans before school started again.

I halted mid-step when I got this feeling. I was being watched. But from where?

"...!"

I stepped to the side, just in time for a small bolt of lightning to miss me by inches.

"Aw, dang it!" I heard from above. A familiar, multicolour-maned mare swooped down in front of me. "How'd you know I was there?"

"I heard you snickering."

Rainbow Dash sighed through her lips like a regular horse, which brought me no end of joy. Watching these Ponies do horse things was satisfying for some reason.

"I need to step my game up for Nightmare Night," she lamented.

"Don't go to the trouble on my account. Please." I tilted my head. "I thought you had night classes?"

"I asked Twilight to cover for me," Dash said with a roll of her hoof. "She'll even drop princess work if it means she gets to give a lecture."

"I'm gonna guess you're not just out here looking for hapless victims to zap in the backside again?"

Dash put on a smirk. "Yeah, I kinda overheard that little thing between you and the girls today. Thought you'd feel better if you had an experienced adventurer in your corner."

I noted the cocksure smirk on her face, and was surprised it wasn't a scowl of murderous rage. "You're taking it remarkably well."

"Well, you're not the one I should be mad at." Dash gave a side-eye glance toward the path leading to Fluttershy's cottage. "They totally pressganged you into this, but it was cool of you to step up."

Well, that certainly made me feel a little better about the whole thing. Unless this was all a ruse and she was going to sideswipe me with an angry mob at my front door in the morning.

"Should we head over there?" I suggested. "Before they decide to go on their own?"

"Not even they're brave enough to go into the Everfree Forest alone at night," said Dash casually. "If they're not at the entrance, they'll have ducked into Fluttershy's for tea and cookies."

"She'd be cool with that?"

Dash cheekily stuck out her tongue. "Hey, cute and helpless critters are her thing."

We both travelled to the Everfree Forest together, and sure enough, the three Crusaders were waiting for me at the mouth of the woods. While they were happy to see me, they undoubtedly set a world record for "Fastest Time For An Ear-To-Ear Smile To Fall Into A Fearing-For-Life Grimace" when Rainbow Dash landed next to me. After she had some very choice words with the girls (so choice that I was fairly certain that it would call for a script edit for a kids' show), she led the way into the Forest. I kept to the rear to make sure nopony was jumped from behind by a wild animal.

Won't that mean YOU'LL be jumped from behind?

Crap.

At this point, I'd learned to just humour everypony's apparent discomfort with the Everfree Forest. For some reason, the clouds moving by themselves and the animals and plants surviving without Pony assistance was totally alien to a lot of the locals.

"I heard it rains on and off around here," I spoke up with a smirk of my own.

"Right?!" squeaked Rainbow Dash with no hint of shared sarcasm. "It's so weird!"

The three Crusaders murmured agreement. I almost felt gratified to come from a place where the simple act of an inaccurate weather prediction would cause nightmares for these four.

My attempt at bonding with what I thought was this world's idea of absurdist comedy aside, I decided to try more of a pressing matter. "So you know where this place is?"

"Oh yeah, been there a few times," said Dash. "It's just a bunch of stones and moss now, no biggie."

"But they say some of the dark magic that turned Princess Luna into Nightmare Moon is there," said Scootaloo. "The Pony of Shadows, right?"

"It's not the Pony of Shadows," Dash immediately said. "Trust me, whatever it is, it ain't him."

"But there must be somethin', right?" Apple Bloom tried.

"There wasn't anything when I was there last. Scariest thing you'll find there is a bunch of spiders."

"Spiders?!" yelped Sweetie Belle, looking ready to turn tail right then and there.

"I'll protect you all from any cobwebs," I said flatly.

"Okay, but real talk," said Dash, lowering her voice, "it's the walk to the place you wanna worry about, especially at this time of day. This is when the nastier creatures start popping up, like timberwolves."

My ears pricked up. I still remembered that timberwolf that wandered into town a year ago. The one that made me inadvertently meet Rivershine. I made a mental note to thank it the next time I saw it.

Fluttershy said it's uncommon for timberwolves to wander into towns. Maybe if I don't find an evil spirit or whatever, I might find something connected to that.

Thankfully our walk through the dense part of the forest was pretty uneventful (the most that happened was Scootaloo being startled by a leaf landing on her), and we got across an old rickety bridge leading up to some old ruins. I had to admit, as we got closer to the remains of the ancient castle, I felt an eagerness welling up. I was actually going to learn about some of Equestria's history firsthoof! The Crusaders were starting to get pretty excited as well, giggling amongst themselves as we got closer.

And then we passed through the old, mossy wooden doors leading into the grounds.

"What in the name of Chancellor Puddinghead's neck ruffle is that?" I demanded, pointing at the giant glimmering eyesore that somewhat resembled a treehouse dominating the courtyard.

Scootaloo shared my shock. "I do not remember this being here."

"Ooohh, Twilight told me about that," said Dash, smiling sheepishly. "Yeah, I totally forgot. Some of the students from the School of Friendship built a clubhouse out of the Tree of Harmony here."

A corner of my mouth curled up in disbelief. "A tree? As in, a plant? Of Harmony?"

Dash shrugged. "Yeah, don't think too much into it."

"Wait, so we came all this way fer nothin'?" asked Apple Bloom, her ears drooping. I couldn't help but feel her disappointment, and so did her friends.

"Chillax, girls... and guy," said Dash. "The juicy stuff's still here, we just gotta go around."

I breathed a sigh. "Good, because I do not wanna go in there. I feel like I'm gonna cough up a butterfly just looking at it."

I put as much distance as possible between myself and the Treehouse of Juxtaposition as Dash led the way around it. I couldn't get over how shiny it was, practically making itself a beacon in the darkness. Between this and the castle in Ponyville, I was beginning to wonder if this part of Equestria was just the Crystal Empire's landfill for unwanted architecture.

I found myself praying that Rivershine wasn't a crystal fanatic, or my next financial venture when we started living together would be an eyemask. And a book on how to walk around while blindfolded.

Just as Rainbow Dash promised, behind the unconventionally frightening treehouse was the entrance to the ruins. We stepped through some old doors made of rotted wood and rusty iron and into a dilapidated entrance hall. Moss coated the ancient stone walls, which had vines and overgrowth from outside creeping through every possible crevice. Thankfully it was a clear night, allowing the moonlight to shine through the many holes in the ceiling.

"Okay, here we are," I said. "Now let's go home."

"But we just got here!" Apple Bloom complained.

"You wanted to see the ruins, we saw the ruins."

"Nice try, Mr. Sharp," said Scootaloo, "but we're doing this properly."

"This place doesn't look like it's seen any upkeep in centuries, and I am not going to be held responsible for a bit of ceiling falling on somepony's head."

"It'll be fine, Sharpy," Dash said. "You've got me on your side, remember?"

I failed to see how that would stop the aforementioned ceiling attack, but the Crusaders seemed reassured.

"We'll stick together," Sweetie Belle promised me. "That way we don't get lost."

You're not winning this, Sharp.

I groaned. "Okay, fine. But nopony wanders off on their own. That means you too, Dashy."

The Crusaders nodded. Rainbow Dash gave me a mock salute. "Yes, Dad."

"Now that we've agreed on that, we should plan how we go around the place." I paced around the foyer and tapped my chin. "I've never been here before, and it's no doubt pretty treacherous. We should keep a note of where we've been and--"

"Let's head down there first," said Dash, pointing to a corridor.

"Alright!" Scootaloo cheered, she and her friends following after the Pegasus.

"Ooorrr we just do whatever and hope for the best." I rolled my eyes and brought up the rear. "Whatever - that was my Plan B anyway."

"Y'all gotta get a sense of adventure, Mr. Sharp," said Apple Bloom. "Half the fun's not knowin' where yer goin'."

"If that were true, I'd be having the time of my life for the past year or so."

"Oh, I know what's got your tail in a knot," said Dash, starting to fly backwards so she could point her smirk right at me. "You're scared of the dark, aren't you?"

"What's wrong with that?" I asked, more defensively than I intended. "You can't see what's in the dark."

"He makes a good point," Sweetie Belle admitted. Her horn was aglow with a mint green light to illuminate what was ahead of her. She might have been as reckless as her two buddies, but at least she seemed to be the one with common sense.

"You're not gonna chicken out, are you?" asked Scootaloo.

"Y'all would know if she was," Apple Bloom remarked with a smirk.

"Oh, don't you start that again."

"Ah didn't start nothin'."

"You were gonna."

I tried to dissolve things. "Uh--"

"Girls, seriously?" said Sweetie Belle with a scowl. "We're best friends, and we have our cutie marks now. We're above making fun of each other like this."

"Yeah, yer right," said Apple Bloom. "Sorry, Scoots. Ah guess this place is gettin' me jumpy."

"Yeah, me too," Scootaloo admitted. "It is pretty dark. And quiet."

'Quiet' wasn't exactly the word I'd use. I'd certainly go for 'decrepit'. The carpet was hardened from centuries of humidity, and I felt moss a few times. Any portraits had been withered away to rusty frames with blank canvases, and anywhere that looked like it would be the spot to decorate with something valuable looked like someone had helped themselves to it already.

"The old library's this way, if I remember right," said Dash.

"A library?" Apple Bloom frowned. "Did Twilight tell you to go there?"

"If you're looking for ghosts, check for creepy books," Dash answered sagely. "It worked for Daring Do that one time."

"Ooh, maybe they'll have Daring Do books there?" Scootaloo grinned.

"Nah, they don't," Dash frowned. "I've looked."

"Pretty sure this castle was operating long before A.K. Yearling's time," I pointed out, trying to mask my own disappointment. I'd found myself getting rather invested in the literary side of Equestrian culture, mainly in fantasy books. Sure, a lot of the stuff in them might have seemed feasible in this world, but they were still fun to read about.

I found myself wondering if anyone was going to write down any of my exploits one day. If they were interesting enough to read, anyway.

The five of us entered a very dilapidated library. Well, I personally found the lack of a ceiling dilapidated but maybe somepony else would call it a very generous skylight. Any books sitting out in the open on the selves, or laying open on the ground, were subjected to decades of water damage thanks to said skylight. If any words were left, they were barely legible.

"Maybe we'll find a librarian's ghost or something," Scootaloo said flatly as she dragged her hoof along the worn book spines.

"Scooootaloooooo," Apple Bloom droned in a wavering voice as waved her hooves at her friend, "yer two minutes late bringin' yer boooook baaaack!"

"You must paaayyyy the fiiiinnneeee!" Sweetie Belle groaned, dilating her pupils. "Twoooo biiiiiits!"

"You guys are so lame," Scootaloo murmured, the edges of her mouth twitching before the three of them burst into laughter.

I looked away from the ruined concrete Alicorn statue (its face was jarringly realistic) and saw the girls enjoy themselves. I couldn't help but smile myself. Initially I thought this little trip would be a health hazard and a waste of time, but so far it had been relatively safe, and at least the girls were enjoying themselves. Even if Rainbow Dash was getting bored by the lack of action, flying around the library's airspace for any form of life to appear. Or unlife, whichever appeared first.

"Maybe I should've told them to go home, like you said," she groaned, flopping down next to her. "I'm so bored."

"Maybe a suit of armour will come to life and chase us down," I said in an attempt to bring her spirits up. "And it'll turn out to be the old stallion janitor who was scaring everypony away because he wanted revenge."

I certainly didn't make Rainbow Dash feel worse, because she fixed me with an arched eyebrow. "Wha'?"

I shrugged, feeling my cheeks warm up. "Nothing." I quickly shuffled off toward one of the bookshelves against the wall and busied myself flicking through old moldy books.

"Oh, careful over there, girls," I heard Dash say. "I think Twilight said once that some of these books open trap doors."

"What was that about traps?" I asked, looking over my shoulder just as I jerked out one of the books.

My ear twitched from a clicking sound, and I found myself being scooped up by the bookcase tilting up and sliding me into a dark abyss. I screamed as I sped downward, tilting this way and that like I were on a stone slide. I'd be having the time of my life if I was younger and could see where I was going.

All I could hope was there wasn't rusty spikes with bits of Pony skeleton impaled on them waiting for me at the bottom.

I finally rolled to a stop when the slide came to an end. I couldn't see my nose for how dark it was, but at least I wasn't impaled. That was something.

I still had my saddlebag. I rooted around in it for the lantern I picked up in town earlier in the day. Once I fished it out, I felt around until I found the dial and twisted it. A flame flickered to life inside the wick, creating a warm glow. This kind of magic must've been foal's play, with how cheap the lantern was in Barnyard Bargains.

I looked around, finding myself in some kind of old tunnel made of stone brick. A bit claustrophobic, but nothing that worried me too much.

What did worry me was that I had no idea whether to go one way or the other.

"Don't panic," I murmured, before I lifted the lantern to illuminate the end of the slide. I pressed a hoof on it and was taken aback by how slippery it was. No way I was climbing up. "Which way did I slide down...?"

I went back down the slide in my head. I was caught off guard by that trap (which Rainbow Dash did inadvertently warn me about, so I couldn't be mad at her), but I could still remember the twists and turns.

"That way," I decided, turning in one direction and starting to walk.

As I walked, I couldn't help but wonder why I remembered that slide so well. Details like that used to slip right by me, but now, having come to this world, I was subconsciously paying attention to everything. Apple Bloom's theory rang in my head again: that it was my cutie mark giving me super deductive powers or something. I didn't dislike it, it was just so strange.

I came to a crossroad and racked my brain again. A quick deduction told me to keep going, and when I took a step forward, I saw the tip of a tail disappear into the darkness down the path I was set to follow. I jumped a little, but kept going.

"Hello?" I called out, my voice echoing through the tunnel. "Anypony there?"

I kept walking forward, and amongst my echoing hooves I could hear something in the distance. My ears flicked as I tried to figure out what it was. An organ, maybe?

I halted again when one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders walked into the lantern light.

"Oh, Sweetie Belle," I sighed. "You got knocked down a trap door too?"

"Yeah, I did," she muttered, looking up at me with an ice cold glare. "Thanks to you."

I frowned. "Uh, what?"

"I got lost after you disappeared," she said, rather blankly. "Got separated from my friends because you weren't there to point out any traps. I'm lost down here, because of you."

I could only stare at her. Not only did that hurt, but she sounded so... empty. Like something had sucked the life out of her.

"W-Well, I think I can figure out a way back up," I tried. "Lemme just--"

"Don't," Sweetie Belle interrupted. "I'll find my own way. Eventually. You never should've come to Equestria."

Ow.

Sweetie Belle backed into the darkness, and I sprinted along the path after her. I stopped at another crossroad and my mind began swimming.

Wait a second, why wasn't Sweetie Belle using her horn as a light? And why did she sound so... emotionless?

I shook my head, trying to clear it and focus on a way out. "Left," I said, turning that way.

The noise got louder. Definitely somepony playing an organ.

"Sweetie Belle?" I called, tentatively walking forward. "C'mon, stop messing with me. It's dangerous down here."

"Darn right it is," rasped Rainbow Dash as she skidded to a stop in the air before me. Her eyes were focused on me in an icy scowl. "And you let her wander around down here on her own? Talk about irresponsible."

"Wha'?" I gawked. "She walked off on me!"

"And you didn't try to catch her?" she shot back. "Well, good thing I found her. No thanks to you."

"Seriously?" I scowled back at her. "Give me a break."

"Oh, I'd break you," she growled, "but I gotta get the girls home. Some great detective you are, great loser."

And with that, she flew off into the darkness, leaving a dumbstruck me alone.

Where is all this coming from?

I could only keep walking, and wondering just why I was getting so much verbal abuse. All because I accidentally shot myself down a trap door.

Wait, if she hadn't taken the girls home, why did she leave them alone to come down here and tear me a new one?

Something wasn't sitting right.

I went forward at another crossroad, and the organ noise was getting way too loud. Almost like somepony was playing the soundtrack to my growing despair.

How poetic.

And yet, when Twilight Sparkle walked into my lantern light, I could hear her perfectly over the organ.

"Rainbow Dash told me everything," she said, shaking her head. "I'm so disappointed, Sharp Sight."

I arched an eyebrow. "She told you already?"

"I thought you'd be better than this. A better person after coming to this world. But you're just as irresponsible as ever. Rivershine deserves better than you."

My nostrils flared as I took a step forward. "Okay, now you're getting personal."

"And you're getting out of here." Her horn began to glow. "I've perfected the spell to send you back, and I think it's best if I use it now, before you put somepony else in danger."

An icy terror shot through my heart. "What? Wait!!"

"I take no joy in this, Sharp Sight. Goodbye."

"Twilight!!" I screamed and reached out to grab her.

But my hooves passed right through her and caused her body to warp and fade into smoke. I watched it dissipate into the air.

I could only watch. "What the...?"

Calm down, Sharp. Be logical about this.

I nodded. Right. If that Twilight wasn't real, then that Sweetie Belle and Rainbow Dash couldn't be either. It didn't add up.

So... was all that just in my head? Was I imagining things?

Two minutes in a dark corridor and you're already losing your mind.

"Shut up."

I finally came to some stairs, which led to a trap door in the ground above I opened with a chain on the wall. I had stepped into a large hallway. The organ was almost deafening, but I could easily tell where it was coming from. I peered through a doorway and saw a a huge pipe organ in a dark room, flanked by some stone Alicorns holding tall candelabras. A figure was sat at the keyboard, providing the foreboding dirge.

I gingerly stepped into the room, and got a few steps in before the music stopped. The figure shifted off the bench, and I had no idea why I wasn't running for my life when they shambled toward me. Their glowing yellow eyes glared daggers into me beneath the hood of their cloak.

Even when they got almost nose-to-nose with me, my hooves were glued to the floor.

I swallowed and found my voice. "You're the one messing with me, aren't you?"

"So, even my enchantment on the Organ to the Outside failed to dissuade you," they said quietly, in a voice I couldn't tell was male or female.

"So there was a reason for all that drama?"

"First and final warning," they continued, leaning even closer. "Leave Equestria. Stay out of my way."

"I didn't realize I was in your way," I pointed out. "I don't even know who you are."

"Keep meddling in my plans, and you will know exactly who I am."

I opened my mouth to retort, when I heard Rainbow Dash call my name outside of the room. I looked over my shoulder just in time to see her and the Crusaders enter the room. Part of me was terrified to see her and Sweetie Belle, but I quickly reminded myself that these were the real ones.

"There you are, Mr. Sharp," said Apple Bloom. "Y'all alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good," I said, turning to look at the cloaked figure. Or, I would, if they were still there. "What the...?"

"Some organ, huh?" said Dash with a grin. "Last time we were here, Pinkie decided to scare the tails off us by playing it while we thought she was some kind of monster living down here."

"Uh, yeah," I said, forcing a smile. "Monster..."

"Did you find one?!" gasped Sweetie Belle.

"What'd it look like?" added Scootaloo.

"Maybe we oughta move this along," said Dash. "It's getting pretty late now; better head home."

"Aww," the Crusaders groaned.

"Yeah, I'm getting outta here," I agreed, before eyeing the Crusaders. "Unless you three wanna have a sleepover down here?"

The young mares found themselves changing their minds and happily following Dash and I out of there. Thankfully Dash knew the way out from the organ room, and I was happy to retell my dark corridor experience to them as a ghost story to placate them.

It helped me to make a vivid mental note of that hooded figure and what they said to me that I could tell Rivershine about next time I saw her.

1 - How to Name Your Magical Horse

The first thing I took note of was a cool, gentle breeze brushing one side of my body. The other was the smell of fresh, healthy grass. Likely just been cut. The other side of my body is laying against the ground.

Going by that very thin knowledge, I came to the conclusion that I’d fallen asleep in a field last night.

Wouldn’t be the first time.

I managed to force my eyes open, and all I get is a green blur. Yep, that was definitely grass.

Very… very green grass.

My eyes managed to adjust, and I attempted moving my limbs. I felt some strength in the arm and leg facing the sky, but moving them proved to be a challenge. They felt like lead weights had been tied onto them, and I almost felt a sweat coming on. The shear strain it was taking to just get up was so much that, out of nowhere, a splitting migraine decided to say hello. I winced and let my limbs flop back down.

The arm and leg I had pinned to the ground somehow had the strength to roll me onto my back, and so until my strength returned, or until someone found me and either offered to take me home or robbed me, I would just cloudgaze.

At least it was a nice day. The sun was out, and the sky was patched with puffy white clouds, some of them sporting stylish curves and swirls.

They reminded me of soft serve ice cream. Y’know, the swirly stuff you’d get out of the machine?

And all I could think was, Damn, now I want ice cream.

I took a deep breath through my nose, smiling as the cool, fresh air filled my sinuses and cooled my lungs. My exhale came in the form of a contented sigh. Birds chirped and warbled their songs in the treetop above my head.

This was the most pleasant hangover I’d ever had in my life.

And because karma seemed to think I’d slept with its significant other last night, cue another round of head pain. I winced again, but this time I had enough strength in my arm to put my hand to my head.

Clop

...the hell was that?

I tapped my temple again.

Clop, clop

Blinking with confusion, I moved my hand in front of my face.

And after about ten to twenty seconds of staring, all I could muster was a whisper of “Where the hell are my fingers?!”

I turned my wrists around, but every which way I looked at them, they were a pair of horse’s hooves! Strangely tinted a shade of red. Burgundy, maybe? Or maroon?

And then I realised the colour of my new equine appendages wasn’t as important as the fact that I had equine appendages at all.

My heart racing and my breath quickening, I rolled around on the grass to get a better angle of view for my body. Just as I’d feared, my feet had been replaced with a pair of matching hooves. My backside sported a short, prickly black tail which flicked and lashed as panic made itself at home inside me and picked out a room with a nice view at the front of my brain.

After about five minutes of screaming and flopping around like a fish having a stroke, I collapsed back on my side, my chest heaving as I gasped to catch my breath. Finding out you’ve been turned into a horse really takes it out of you.

“Uh, ‘scuze me?” A woman’s voice muttered from behind me. “Y’alright there, buddy?”

Since I was too tired and running a bit low on panic, I just used a hoof—good God, I have hooves—to kickstart a roll onto my other side. I glanced up and saw another horse, this one orange with a blonde head of hair tied into a ponytail over her shoulder. I assumed this was where the voice came from - if I could turn into a horse, I was willing to believe they could talk.

“...a pony with a ponytail.” I chuckled dazedly, managing to find at least some humour in my situation.

The orange horse tilted her head. “Um… y’all need a hoof up?” She held out one of her legs, and I just stared at it for a few moments before lifting my own. She wrapped her wrist around mine and gripped tight.

Or was that an ankle?

“Alrighty, up ya get,” she huffed, backing up and pulling me up with her.

And this was where I made even more of an ass of myself, and by extension, offended any possible donkeys living in wherever the hell I was. By that girl’s accent, I assumed I ended somewhere in the saturated, magical south.

I clumsily adjusted by legs - or, well, my hind legs now - so I could get in a standing position once I was up. I tried to stay upright, as I was used to standing, but equine anatomy insisted I flail my front hooves and faceplant the grass. Spitting out a few bright green blades, I put my front hooves on the ground and pushed up, getting eye-level with the girl horse.

I was stood on all fours, like a proper stallion. It felt incredibly degrading and silly, but at the same time, strangely natural. I was perfectly balanced on every side.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, then moved my front leg to take a step forward. Next thing I knew, I was hobbling a few feet and then I tripped over my hooves, eating another mouthful of grass and dirt.

At least I was getting my greens for the day.

The horse trotted over and helped me up once again. “Y’all been hittin’ the cider last night, sugarcube?”

“Oh, you have no idea,” I mumbled, rubbing my hoof against my temple. The lack of fingers wasn’t going to not feel weird for a long time.

She chuckled and tipped her brown cowboy hat. She’s really selling the ‘southern belle’ look for me. All she needs are some short shorts and a flannel shirt.
“Name’s Applejack,” she said.

I blinked and cocked an eyebrow. Applejack? This horse is named after a drink? Now I’m convinced this is some bad trip. Someone did spike my drink last night.

Though, while I was in this apparent high, I thought I may as well go along with it. “Nice to meet you… would you have any idea how I got all the way to Tennessee?”

“Ten of what-now?” The horse furrowed her brow in confusion.

“Well, I just assumed, by your accent…?”

“Ah don’t have a field mouse’s block’a cheese what yer talkin’ about, sugarcube.”

What.

“Nevermind… could you at least tell me where I am?”

“Yer just outside Sweet Apple Acres,” she explained, and pointed a hoof into the distance, “yer lucky Ah caught ya, somepony else might’a mistaken ya fer a fella just runnin’ outta the loony bin or somethin’.”

I followed her hoof, and sure enough, we were standing in a field just off a dirt path leading to a farm. A big red barn and a nice farmhouse stood tall in the property, and a huge orchard of trees with shiny red apples covered the horizon beyond them.

...hang on. Did she really just say somepony?

And that’s when something from real life came and kicked me right in the realisation. When I wasn’t in class, or out getting blitzed with friends, I was on the internet. In my room, on my phone, whatever. But nearly everywhere I went, stuff related to My Little Pony would always show itself in some form. Apparently, that reboot from a few years back was such a hit that even grown men were getting into it.

I never got around to trying it out, and at this point, when I was staring at one of those ponies who was starting to become more familiar looking now that I had remembered, I began to wish that I had.

Then, I did the only reasonable thing I could think of. I socked myself across the jaw and yelled, “Wake up!”

I was still looking at Applejack, who looked just as bewildered as she did spooked.

A few more attempts left me with a numb hoof, a sore jaw, and the beginning of an epiphany.

It was starting to look like that, somehow, defying all laws of science, space and logic like a smooth criminal, I had been tossed into the technicolour world of My Little Pony.

I began to wonder if kids were watching me punch myself in the face and ask their parents why the silly hungover pony was punching himself in the face. The image make me snort with amusement.

“Uh… y’all aren’t runnin’ from the crazy house, right?” Applejack asked slowly, cocking an eyebrow and looking ready to make a dash for the farm.

“N-no!” I yelped. “I mean, yes! Wait, no--” I shook my head and took a deep breath to collect my thoughts. Whatever there were of them. “I’m not an asylum escapee, okay? I’m just kinda… new to the area.”

“Ah thought so, never seen ya ‘round here before. Oh, Ah never caught yer name.”

“My name? Oh, it’s--” I caught myself, and began to think.

If I remembered rightly, this pony world’s inhabitants use silly kiddy names or mystical fantasy names. I mean, I couldn’t exactly go up to another pony and go ‘Hello Twinkleface, my name is Greg’.

Needed to fit in as best I can, despite my inability to walk in a straight line.

But, nothing kiddy or mystical was coming to me. Applejack would have to help me out on this one.

“I… don’t remember.”

The orange pony blinked. “Y’all don’t remember yer name? Y’all must’a hit yer head pretty hard, sugarcube.”

Why does she keep calling me that? I hope that’s just a thing she does, because I am not having my pony name be Sugarcube. I might be in a super happy cutesy world full of talking miniature horses, but I’m still entitled to my masculinity, dammit.

“Well, wouldn’t feel right callin’ ya just ‘Stranger’,” Applejack went on, “how about we give ya a name till ya figure out what yer real one is?”

That worked for me. I gave her a nod and a grateful smile. “Thanks, that’d be great.”

She began a slow walk to my side, and circled around me. My tail flicked self-consciously. I never really liked being stared at.

She rubbed a hoof on her chin. “Well, if Ah had to guess by yer cutie mark there, Ah’d wager yer name would be Sharp Sight.”

...my what mark?

I turned my head to take a look at myself, and I blinked as I saw something I had - and still have - no idea how I missed.

“...I have a magnifying glass on my butt.” I looked at Applejack, eyes dilated. “Why do I have a magnifying glass on my butt?”

Applejack just looked concerned now. “Well, that’s yer cutie mark, sugarcube. Tells ya what yer good at. Ah figured yer good at findin’ stuff, so y’all got a sharp sight. Get it?”

“Right… okay,” I muttered, going back to look at this… ugh, cutie mark. Could they not have come up with a better term? Like ‘magical talent butt stamp’?
I turned back to face the girl pony, and I noticed that she too had a mark. A trio of red apples.

“So, what?” I asked. “You’re… good at apples?”

“Yer darn tootin’,” she grinned, crossing one leg over the other, “harvestin’ apples, buckin’ apples trees, deliverin’ apples, cookin’ with apples, y’all name it. If it’s apples, bet yer bottom bit Ah can do it.”

I really hoped she said ‘bucking apple trees’.

“That explains the trees,” I muttered, “so, you own the place?”

“Granny Smith does, and Big Mac, Applebloom an’ Ah help out with the chores and deliveries. Oh, speakin’ of, Ah better mosey back over. Y’all need anythin’ before ya go on yer way?”

I had only one question in mind. It wasn’t a dignifying one either.

“Could you… show me how to walk?”

No words can capture the look Applejack fixed me with. “Beg yer pardon?”

“Uh, amnesia’s a cruel mistress,” I lied, grinning nervously, “take a bump to the head, suddenly you forget who you are and how your legs work, y’know?”

The cowgirl pony - cowpony…? - let out a soft sigh. “Never heard’a somepony who don’t know t’walk. Ah hope yer a fast learner, sugarcube.”

I sighed and stared down at my opponents for this training exercise. “So do I, Applejack. So do I.”

18 - A Hearth's Warming Mystery

That was definitely a new one. Applejack stealing from somepony who's meant to be one of her closest friends? I couldn't help but feel some bile intrigue. I looked at the window display where the jacket should have been put on the mannequin, but the poor thing would no doubt be freezing if it had nerve endings. Which I hoped it didn't, but I couldn't be sure about most things anymore.

"I'm afraid it's quite open and shut," said the stallion, sounding like he was doing his best not to yawn in Rarity's face. "Now then, guards, you may take the suspect away."
"Ah ain't goin' nowhere, buster!" Applejack barked. "'Cuz Ah didn't do nothin'!"
"Appropriate usage of a double negative," he sneered. "You 'didn't do nothing', therefore you did something, yes?"
Applejack stomped toward him, but the guards stood forward to stop her knocking his block off. "Don't you be usin' your fancy Manehattan wits on me, ya city slicker!"
The stallion shook his head. "Ms. Rarity, would you kindly control your... rural friend? Honestly, I would have thought a distinguished mare like yourself would keep more mature company."
"Now see here," the white mare snapped. "I hardly find such talk appropriate."

While this guy was right in that I had no reason to be here at the moment, I couldn't just sit by and let two Ponies who helped me get on my hooves (so to speak) get harassed like this.

"Let's all slow down a bit," I said, stepping forward. The three ceased their bickering, and I turned toward the two mares. "Now then, what's going on?"
"Again, it's none of your business," said the stallion. "You have no relation to this incident."
"Untrue, sir," Rarity said, raising her chin to meet his. "Sharp Sight here is an acquaintance of ours."
"Dang right," Applejack agreed. "He's got every right ta know."
"That's my decision to make, Ms. Jack." The stallion swaggered up, and I could almost see his neck muscles bulging from how hard he was trying to look down his nose at me.

It took every fibre of my self-control not to throw him an uppercut.

"Just who are you, anyway?" I asked.
"Detective Basil Hawkshaw," he answered, "from the Royal Guard's Investigation Division. I am here to figure out what exactly happened and why. Both of which I have already done."
"Well, why don't you share your deduction?" I challenged. "You certainly seem confident enough."
Hawkshaw's nostrils flared. "Well, if you're that curious, I suppose I can spare a few minutes."

He whirled around and started pacing across the floor, gesturing accordingly during his monologue.

"Last night, between the hours of 6pm and 1am, a designer jacket was stolen from Carousel Boutique, off the back of this poor, unaware display mannequin. The shop was closed during these hours, as the proprietor, Rarity, was attending Ponyville's Hearth's Warming Market as an entertainer. There were no signs of forced entry or a break-in, therefore the perpetrator knew exactly how to get inside. And who would know better than a close acquaintance of Rarity's?"

"Oh, gimme a break," spat Applejack. Hawkshawk ignored her.

"Naturally, I have evidence to support that it was this Earth Pony here." With his magic, he levitated a small see-through baggie from his satchel. "Firstly, hairs were left behind at the scene. Orange hairs, which Applejack here is covered in. I'm sure even you can see that, sir." He set the baggie on the table and produced a see-through plastic container. Inside were three apples. "Secondly, these apples were found strewn around the mannequin. Applejack is an apple farmer, so that was a no-brainer." The container joined the baggie, and from his satchel floated a thin square. "And thirdly, this photograph was left on the counter. You can clearly see the hat and mane style matches the suspect perfectly. No doubt left to rub salt in the wound."

"What kinda pig dookie are y'all--" Applejack began, but Hawkshawk shut her up with a raised hoof.

"And finally, motive. The jacket was part of a fashion line meant to celebrate the pop singer Coloratura, who has relations to Applejack. Former friends who drifted apart when the former became a famous celebrity, and the latter was left to toil on a dirt farm in a Podunk town. A classic case of bitter jealousy and revenge."

Hawkshawk had the smarmiest look I'd ever seen a Pony wear on their face so far. Applejack and Rarity looked just as incredulous as me. The guards kept incredibly still, to the point I forgot they were there for a moment.

"Yeah, nah," I said flatly. "I'm not buying that."
"Thank ya!" sighed Applejack. "Finally, somepony other than Rarity gets it!"
"You doubt my deduction, do you?" asked Hawkshaw, an edge of anger in his voice.
"I call your deduction absolute horse apples."
It was his turn to challenge me. "Well, perhaps you can do better, Mr. Sight?"
"I can and I will." I stepped over to the evidence on the table.

I started with the hairs. Definitely orange, but something seemed off about them. I wasn't an expert on Pony fur, but these strands didn't land right with me.
Next, the photo. There was definitely a hat and mane style resembling Applejack's, but a silhouette wasn't enough to confidently hoof her as the perp. Especially not a greyscale one, at that. It didn't help that the Pony's face was totally hidden by the hat's brim, either.
Finally, the apples. This was far too on-the-nose for me to believe this guy. But there was only one way to make sure. I popped the lid off and took a bite of one of the apples.

"Hey!" shrieked Hawkshaw. "You're eating the evidence!"
I ignored him and let the bite dance around in my mouth for a minute or so before swallowing. I put the apple back in and closed the lid.
"I'm analysing the evidence," I corrected him. "And I have enough to prove that whoever stole the jacket, it wasn't Applejack."
"Already?" asked Rarity, putting a hoof over her mouth in surprise.
Hawkshaw snorted. "Is that right? Well, take us through your deduction then, Detective."

It was my turn to pace across the floor and gesture. And I daresay I did a far better job of it, throwing in some spins as I got into the moment.

"First, the hairs. True, they're indeed orange, but they're the wrong shade." I held the baggie against Applejack. "Look--they're lighter and longer than her fur. Plus, I'm no biologist, but I doubt Pony hair just falls out like that. I'd say these are from another Pony's mane." I put the baggie on the table and lifted the photograph. "Next, the photo. True, it resembles Applejack, but that's as far as we have. Applejack isn't the only pony in Equestria who can put on a Stetson hat, and this mane could just as easily be a wig. Plus, who takes a photo of themselves committing a crime? That's just, well, stupid." I traded the photo for the container. "And finally, the apples. Like you said, this was the most crucial clue. I've tasted the apples on Applejack's farm, and there's no doubt about it: these apples here are not from Sweet Apple Acres. They're store-bought, at best."

Hawkshawk's hoof traced the floor ever so slightly, like the world's most polite bull. "And your rebuttal to my motive?"

"It makes no sense," I said. "Applejack harming the trust of her good friend just for revenge? What does she stand to gain from pointing the hoof to herself?" With a flourish, I put a hoof to my chin. "So here's my conclusion: Carousel Boutique was entered last night, and the jacket was stolen. But the perp is somepony who wanted to frame Applejack for the crime. Who they are, I don't know yet, but what I do know is that Applejack is completely innocent."

The room went silent again, which was quickly broken by Rarity's hooves clapping.

"Bravo, Sharp!" she cheered. "Simply magnifique, darling!"
"Ah told ya none a' that stuff was mine!" said Applejack. She tipped her hat to me. "That's some good detectin' there, Sharp."
"Well, if it wasn't this farmer," asked Hawkshaw, stomping up to me, "then who was it?"
"I just said I don't know that," I said, cocking an eyebrow. "But I plan to find out, Basil."
"That's Detective Hawkshaw to you, citizen," he growled in my face. "You're lucky I've suddenly become pressed for time, or I would have you charged with interfering an investigation."
"More like improving an investigation," I shot back. I heard Applejack snort.

Hawkshaw glared at me a moment longer before he turned to the guards. "Let's go, this investigation isn't over." He shot a glare at me. "And if the real culprit doesn't appear, well, we always have the backup."

With that, he led the two guards outside the shop. No doubt to get an obnoxious latte while ranting to himself.

Rarity harrumphed. "What a piece of work. I shall have to speak to Twilight about his conduct."
"Where does he get off?" asked Applejack. "Pullin' all those accusations outta his behind like that."
"Definitely one of those 'child prodigy' types," I said, making quote marks with my hoof. "Well, sounds like I've just signed myself up for an investigation."
"Wait, y'all were serious about that?" asked Applejack, her eyes wide. "Ah thought y'all were just talkin' big ta make him back down."
"So did I," I admitted. "But, well, I can't really leave this up to Fancy Boy now, can I?"
"I'd happily do it myself," said Rarity, "I love a good mystery, but I've gotten slightly behind on my orders because of all this. And with this being the day before Hearth's Warming Eve, I think I'll be working all day."
"And Ah ain't got the know-how fer all that analysin' stuff," added Applejack, looking at the floor. "Not like Ah'll get much done, with all the last-minute prep down at the farm. Family first, y'know?"
"Maybe you two could answer some questions for me really quick?" I asked. "Just so I can build this case."
"Shoot, after y'all stuck yer neck out fer me, that ain't no trouble," said Applejack. Rarity nodded with a smile. "Fire away, sugarcube."
"Oh, one sec," I said, and started rummaging through my saddlebags. "Gah, I should've bought a notebook or something..."

I looked up and jolted as just the very thing I was looking for was dangling in front of me in a blue aura. Even with a complimentary quill.

"Twilight has given me hundreds of these," said Rarity. "Please take it, I insist."
"Wow, thanks," I said, doing just that. I flipped it open and jotted down whatever clues I had so far before I began. "Okay, Applejack, what were you doing last night? I didn't see you in the market."
"Ah was at the castle," answered Applejack. "Spike wanted some of mah apple n' sapphire crumble, so Ah brought him a batch a' the stuff."
"So we have a witness who can attest to that. Perfect." I turned to the Unicorn. "Rarity, do you have any idea how the culprit got inside?"
"Well, I had the key with my things backstage when I was singing with the Pony Tones last night," said Rarity. "I suppose somepony snuck in and stole it, then brought it back?"
I nodded, still writing. "And was anything else taken?"
Rarity shook her head. "Nothing. In fact, apart from the mannequin, nothing else was even touched."
"Interesting. Do you have any idea who might have done it?
"I'm afraid not. Nopony in Ponyville would think of such a thing."
"Ah ain't got a clue either," said Applejack.

I seemed to have enough to go on for the moment. If nothing inside the building was touched besides the mannequin, then maybe outside would give me some answers.

For a moment, I wondered why I was doing this instead of looking for another gift for River. But then, if she heard I walked away while an innocent Pony was sent to prison, she'd probably never let me live it down. Plus, I had a feeling I had a lot of walking around to do anyway. I tried not to groan too loud about the latter.

I stepped outside and looked around. Amongst the pedestrians, I spotted the Pony in the parka from last night. The rude so-and-so who spilled my hot cocoa, who apparently didn't get time to clean off the stain. They melted back in amongst the crowd once more.

And so, there I was, rooting through the bins behind Carousel Boutique on Hearth's Warming. If that didn't paint a picture of my four-legged life, I wasn't sure what would. Still, my dumpster diving had a purpose. If our jacket thief left any tracks, no doubt they'd be by the back door. After all, what kind of idiot would try breaking into a building by going through the entrance facing a high-traffic area?

Come to think of it, how does a shop have a lock on the door but my house doesn't? Is there some kind of weird law, or did I just get scammed?

I opened the dumpster and was surprised at how... organised it was. Clean, too. Some discarded cardboard boxes and pieces of fabric all in neat stacks. Even with her trash, Rarity didn't mess around.

Which made finding a crucial clue all the easier. I leaned in and fished out a stetson hat. Cheap, made of plastic and coloured a tacky purple. I didn't have a clue about fashion, but even I knew Rarity would put out a restraining order on that hat before she'd let it anywhere near her place. Beneath it was a white wig, styled like Applejack's mane-do. Anypony who saw these in a black-and-white photo would be none the wiser.

So my hunch was right: somepony disguised themselves to frame Applejack. But who? And why?

"Pardon me," I heard. I looked up and saw Hawkshaw walking down the alley toward me. "That is crucial evidence to this investigation, and it belongs in Royal Guard custody."
A smirk crossed my face. "So my theory holds water, Detective?"
"It's a slight possibility at best," he spat, using his magic to yank the hat and wig from my grip. "In any case, I've warned you: this is not something for a citizen to get involved with. If I catch you removing evidence again, I will have you tried for interfering with Royal Guard business."
"Do you talk to all dumpster divers like that?" I asked, furrowing my brow. "Or am I special?"
He curled his upper lip and turned in place. "Oh, just so you know," he said over his shoulder, "Ms. Jack is under house arrest, so I'm afraid she'll be unavailable until this case is closed. So sorry."
"I'm sure you are," I muttered as he sauntered off.

Once he was gone, I made a note of the hat and wig in my pad and exited the alley myself. I ducked and weaved past my neighbours and went to the crystal castle. Thankfully Twilight and Spike were home, and indeed, their testimonies matched what Applejack told me. While that certainly helped to clear her name, it did nothing to help point me to the real culprit. And with Applejack herself under surveillance, I doubted I could get much out of her.

I sat back on the couch and read through my notes.

One item, something related to Coloratura, was stolen from Rarity, and the thief tried to frame Applejack. If that was the only thing taken, that means there's a connection between Coloratura, Applejack and the thief. But what?

...and when did my hoof-writing get so good? I can actually read this.

"I just can't believe someone would try to frame Applejack," Twilight frowned. "I'd look into this myself, but I'm just so wrapped up. Thanks so much for doing this, Sharp."
"I owe Applejack a favour anyway," I said, shrugging. "Though, I can't help but wonder--do Applejack and Coloratura know each other?"
"I remember Applejack told us they became friends at a summer camp," said Twilight. "Coloratura also came to Ponyville for a music festival. Now that was a great show."
"A music festival?" I repeated, getting an idea. "I don't suppose you have any records about it? Like a newspaper or something?"
"I've got records of everything that goes on in Equestria!" Twilight beamed proudly. "I have event-focused records and creature-focused records, filed chronologically and alphabetically!"
I blinked. What the heck was I meant to do with that?
"Um, how about creature-focused, alphabetically?" I asked carefully.

Twilight's horn glowed, and I went from a comfy couch to a circular room full of filing cabinets lining the wall, with a table in the centre. I swallowed the bile that formed in my mouth.
"There you go," said Twilight. "When you're done, just walk out, turn left, then left again, then, right, then down the stairs, then two more lefts and a right to get out."
"Thanks," I said after a moment of internal panic.

Twilight disappeared, and I got to work. I started with the cabinet labelled with a 'C', naturally. What I didn't expect was the cabinet to stretch out halfway across the room when I pulled it open. All this magic at Twilight's disposal, and this was how she used it?

"Alright, let's see," I said, flipping through the borders inside. "Capper... Cheerilee... Cheese Sandwich? What kind of name is that?" I shook my head. "Cherry Jubilee... Coco Pommel... ah-ha! Coloratura!"

I pulled out a hoofful of newspaper clippings and magazine articles and skimmed through them. Naturally, they were things like discussing music, talking about new albums, tour dates, all that stuff. I wasn't big on celebrity gossip, so it was hard for me to read the whole things the full way through. Though, I did notice one name pop up in every single article.

"Now who's this...?"

I jogged to another cabinet and flicked through it. Sure enough, I found the same name. Only a few articles were under it, but the headlines told all.

Just like that, I had a number-one suspect.

I eventually found my way out of the castle and began stalking the Ponyville streets. I had a strong feeling I knew who my perp was, now I just had to find them. The only matter was figuring out where to start. They may have already skipped town on an early train, but if my rushed psychological profile was correct, they may have wanted to keep close to the action and watch their plan unfold.

Those apples at the crime scene certainly stood out in my mind. If they didn't come from Sweet Apple Acres, then where did they come from? There was only one place I could think of. I headed toward the shopping area and entered the grocer's.

"Hello there, Sharp Sight," the Earth Pony mare behind the counter greeted me with a smile. "What can I do you for?"
"Hey, Citrus Bowl," I said, pulling out my notepad. "I was hoping you could tell me something: Do you sell apples that don't come from Sweet Apple Acres?"
"Sure," she said, "demand for Sweet Apple Acres are so high, I have to outsource just so I have some apples to sell. Why do you ask?"
"I was wondering if anypony's bought any from you lately? Say, yesterday or so?"
Citrus put a hoof to her chin. "Now that you mention it," she muttered, "there was one Pony who bought a pack. I thought it was weird because Applejack brought in a huge harvest before winter started, so even now we still have plenty left."
Definitely not a local. "What'd they look like?"
"I didn't see their face," she said regretfully. "They were wearing a big parka with the hood up."
My ears perked up. "A parka?"
Citrus nodded. "They didn't say a word, either. Just grabbed the pack, set the bits on the counter and left."
I scribbled down some notes. "Perfect. Thanks, Citrus."
"Anytime," she said. "Though, can I ask what's going on?"
"Oh, I'm just looking for that Pony, is all. It's important."

I stepped out of the grocer's and narrowed my eyes at large gatherings of creatures. The thief and that rude hooded Pony were indeed one in the same, and no doubt they'd try to hide in plain sight. They were definitely still in town, and the crowded market would be perfect cover. And I could check behind the stage for any clues, if Rarity's assumption was anything to go by.

And so I headed toward the large structure, keeping my head on a swivel for Parka Pony. I slipped backstage, and naturally, any personal belongings had no doubt been picked up by their owners. Still, if this was where a piece of the crime took place, there had to be something. I rooted through a box of props, but I doubted some weave baskets or gold-painted rocks were related. I skimmed a rack of costumes next, but the rags and old-timey suits bore no fruit either.

Until I dug in behind the rack, spotting a large black bag. Out of sheer curiosity, and figuring that I'd already dug through trash anyway, I peeked inside. There was something inside. Felt like leather, with little bits of metal on it. I lifted it out, and my jaw almost literally hit the ground.

"The jacket! I found it!"

But what was it doing back there, of all places? Unless...

"There he is, Detective." My fur stood on end and I turned to see Hawkshaw and the guards stood at the backstage entrance. Parka Pony was pointing a hoof toward me. "Just as I said--the thief returned for his spoils."
"I should have known," Hawkshaw chuckled and approached me. "Playing the role of amateur sleuth to throw everypony off your trail, and framing a supposed friend for your crime? Clever, Mr. Sharp. For a backwater village Pony, at least."
I just stared for a long minute. "Oh, you can't be serious. Why would I want to do all that?"
"Money, obviously," said Parka Pony. Even with their face covered, I could feel their smirk. "That's an expensive Rarity original, inspired by Countess Coloratura. No doubt a superfan would even pay a mark-up for it. And you're not exactly rolling in bits, are you?"
"You seriously think I'd set somepony up just for money?"
"Perhaps--you and I aren't exactly familiar," said Hawkshaw, "who knows what kind of Pony you are? Well, besides a backstabbing criminal. Guards, restrain Mr. Sharp."

The guards stalked toward me, and time seemed to slow down. I had to think quickly. No way of getting out through the backstage entrance, and I didn't see one on the other side. The only way out was through the stage curtain, but those highly-trained guards would be on me the moment I even flexed a muscle. I had to be smart.

I craned my neck and looked at the entrance. "Princess Twilight!" I gasped.
"Your Highness?!" Hawkshaw and the guards yelped, turning in place.

I grabbed the mouth of the trash bag in my teeth and made a break for it through the curtain.

A commotion raised in the market as I raced through the crowd, desperate to get to Carousel Boutique. I yelped and nearly tripped over my own hooves as a small blast struck the ground next to me.

"Stop that Pony!" demanded Hawkshaw, his horn glowing green as he and Parka Pony pursued me. The guards swooped down to try and grab me, but I was able to duck and weave just as they went for the strike.

I saw the Boutique. I was so close!

"Whoa!" I yelped as another magic blast came inches from hitting my hoof. It was enough of a distraction for a guard to give me the world's most dangerous glomp, sending the both of us tumbling through the shop door with his hooves wrapped around me. "Owww..." I groaned, laying on my side.
I looked up and saw Hawkshaw and Parka Pony enter the shop. The former produced a pair of cuffs from inside his suit jacket.
"Sharp Sight, you're under arrest for burglary, frameup, tampering with a crime scene and resisting arrest."

Frameup. Ironic.

The cuffs clamped tight around my ankles and the guard finally released me so I could get into the more dignified position of sitting on my backside. He went to join his friend in guarding the front door, somehow having it in his mind that I could successfully bunny-hop my way out the door.

"What in Celestia's name is going on in here?!" I turned my head and saw Rarity emerge from the back, wearing her work glasses and an uncharacteristically frizzled mane.
"Nothing to worry about, Ms. Rarity," said Hawkshaw, puffing out his chest. "We've captured the true thief, and returned your property."
"You seem to have put the cuffs on Sharp," she noted.
"Exactly."
"Basil, darling," said Rarity, in a tone often reserved for a parent trying to be patient with her arguing child, "even I can tell you've made a mistake here."
Hawkshaw raised an eyebrow. "Explain?"
"There's no way Sharp could be the thief," she explained. "I saw him in the market myself. He spent most of the night there then went home, in the complete opposite direction of my shop."
The detective pursed his lips. "You're absolutely sure?"
"Oh, without a doubt. I have a good view of the crowd from the stage."

Hawkshaw did his best to hold back a snarl as he removed my cuffs. Just as I was starting to chafe.

"Don't be too upset, Detective," I said, flicking my front hooves to get some feeling back into them. "You've still caught the real thief."
Hawkshaw blinked. "I have?"
I nodded toward Parka Pony. "Our mysterious stranger here was behind everything."
"That's ridiculous!" Parka Pony growled. "You're accusing me now? Detective, put the cuffs back on him!"
"What are you getting at?" asked Hawkshaw.
I smirked at Parka Pony. "Well, let's start with you introducing yourself."
"What? Why?!" they spat.
"You're a witness, right?" I pointed out. "You need to state your name for the record for your testimony to be valid. Right, Detective?"
"Unfortunately, you are correct," he said quietly. "As a witness, I'm afraid you must identify yourself."
"I am just a concerned citizen!!" Parka Pony spat. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a train to catch. Detective, tell your dogs to move."

The guards nickered irritably at that. They looked ready to tackle him themselves, if the new presence at the door hadn't caused them to stiffen with a salute.

"Citizen or not," said Twilight Sparkle, "I'll thank you not to speak to members of the Royal Guard like that."
"Twilight, darling!" Rarity sighed with relief.
"Princess Twilight!" Hawkshaw gasped, stiffening himself. "I was just in the middle of getting to the bottom of this investigation!"
"I've got the gist of things by now, Basil," said Twilight, striding into the Boutique. "Applejack here has been filling me in on a few details."
"Applejack?!" squawked Parka Pony, as the cowmare in question sauntered in.
"Twilight was sweet enough ta' let up mah house arrest," she said, "and we just saw a big ol' hullabaloo just as we got inta town."

Even with their hood up, I could tell Parka Pony was sweating under there.

"Y-your Highness," they whimpered, "surely you understand that who I am has no bearing on this case?"
"Then you should have no qualms about telling us who you are," Twilight shot back.
"Unless yer hidin' somethin'," Applejack added, narrowing her eyes. "In fact, Ah reckon y'all seem mighty familiar..."
Parka Pony's hooves tapped in place. "Th-this is my first time in Ponyville!"
"No, I've definitely heard that voice before," Rarity agreed.
"Alright, I'll tell you," they sighed, taking a deep breath... then sprinting for the space made in the front door.

Twilight's unamused gaze didn't waver as she grabbed them in her magical grip.

"Wait, stop!" they squealed, their hood raising back. "Please, don't--!"

The hood came off, and the ice from Twilight, Rarity and Applejack's glares could freeze the lake quite nicely.

I, however, had a nice and satisfied smirk.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," I purred in the smarmiest voice I could muster, "I give you Svengallop."