I Am The Tantibus

by Tenacious Lotus

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Sad, Princess Luna, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Tragedy
Length: 10500

Luna is living in a never ending nightmare and it's driving her crazy. Maybe even crazy enough to try and end it all. Will Luna make it through or will she be consumed by the nightmare inside?

Luna has been living in a nightmare for far too long and it’s finally taking its toll on her. She has been contemplating solutions for week but there only seems to be one answer. There’s no more fear and she wants nothing more than the pain to end. She got her plan and she’s setting it in motion.

Warning: Contains severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

Editors: Dark Chocolate and Boardgamebrony

Published 2016-07-24 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-13 01:59:28 UTC

The Star That Stopped Shining

Dear Tia,

I am sorry sister that I have failed my royal duties. I am sorry that I could never be loved by you or the citizens of equestria. Please don’t blame yourself for you are not the cause. These are my own burdens to bare and I am sorry that it has come to this. I know that I am a danger to all of Equestria. I know that everypony is afraid of me. These tears I shed are because I am afraid of the pain but relieved that it will be quick. I have always loved everypony and always will. Don’t remember me like this Tia. Remember as I was when we were foals. Remember the laughter and the smiles we shared. Remember me for the loving person I am. I am sorry that I have let everypony down and that is something that will haunt me forever even when I am gone. I fought as long and as hard as I could but the demons inside me have won. I love you Tia. I love you with all my heart. Please don’t cry. I will always be with you in your heart. Goodbye sister of mine. I am going to join mother and father where we will wait for you to join us some day.

Love,

LuLu

As I finished writing this for Tia, I shed a few more tears and put it inside an envelope. I close it and write “To my loving sister Tia” on it. I know she will be going to sleep in a few hours. I need to make this the best last few hours we have. My legs shake as I walk down the hall to her room. I lift a hoof to knock on her door. Before I do, I take a moment to collect myself. Remember, we are doing this as one last final good memory for Tia. I knock and wait. She opens the door and greets me with a delighted but worried smile.
“ Luna are you alright?”. I put a smile on my face.
“Of course sister! I have never been better. Will you join me for some dinner and an evening of sisterly bonding?” Tia looks at me suspiciously.

I do my best to keep my composure.

“Are you sure you are alright? You are acting kind of strange Luna. You can’t lie to me, I am your sister I know you better than you think.”

“I promise you that I am, Tia. Cross my heart and hope to die.” I reassured her. Maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words.

“Love you Tia please join me for dinner before it gets cold.” She nods her head and follows me to the dining hall. As soon as we come in the door there are two guards to my left.

“Luna please take a seat and I will join you in a moment. I need to talk to the guards really quick and then we can enjoy our evening,” She smiles at me. I sit down at the long table tapping my hoofs together thinking about how this is the last meal I will eat and the last time I will see Tia’s face. I just want to make her smile one last time. I give anything to see her smile. Tia comes to the end of the table I am at and sits down next to me.

“Luna please tell me what’s wrong? I love you and only want the best for you.” She pats my head gently with her hoof. I won’t tell her. I don’t want her to worry. I am just gonna do it and leave her the letter like planned. I sit in silence while I collect my thoughts.

“Lulu please!” She urges me.

“I promise that I am fine I just want to spend some time with you doing some of the things we loved doing as foals. Can you please do that for me? Can we please just have an awesome night together? I want nothing more than to just spend time with my older sister.”

“ Ok Luna I trust you that nothing is wrong. If you seriously want to just spend some time together of course we can. I am not going to lie, I have missed spending time with you. I am just so busy lately.”

“Can we watch some scary movies and play some board games tonight just like old times?”

“Of course we can Lulu.” She smiles sweetly at me. I look over to where the guards stood just a few minutes ago and realize they are gone now.

“Where did the guards go?” I do my best to hide that I am nervous.

“I asked them to go get me something from in town they will be back in an hour or two. Plus we have plenty of other guards here so no need to worry.”

I laugh and nod my head nervously, but I don’t think she realizes. I asked the chef to prepare our favorite meal from when we were Foals. We always used to have our mother's famous broccoli cheese casserole. I love the rice and cheese all layered together with the broccoli. I thought it would be perfect to eat since I will be joining my parents in a few hours. The servers finally come in with our dishes after Tia and I have been chatting for what feels like forever. It's the same old boring conversation about how hard it is to run a kingdom. But tonight is different. I will not fight with her. I nodded and agreed with everything she says.

Remember we are giving her one last good memory of us. Tia looks at her plate in shock and her eyes well up with tears.

“You had them cook our favorite dish...This is mom’s Broccoli cheese casserole.” I can tell she is holding back tears. She’s happy. I smile.

“I wanted tonight to be one to remember. A night full of memories.”

“This is so unexpected but absolutely wonderful LuLu.” We made small talk as we ate this delicious past time favorite of our’s. I wonder if this will be one of the happy moments she looks back on. I wonder, will she look back on memories of me at all? Or will I just fade into the background and be forgotten. This is the first time Tia has even acknowledged me in months. Please don’t let tonight end like every other where she makes an excuse as to why we can’t hang out after dinner. PLEASE! I need this to be a peaceful goodbye. One last memory before I start a new adventure out of this world.

We just finished dinner and now I am praying that there won’t be an excuse. Tia looks at me.

“ What movie do you want to watch? I am thinking a classic like Vamponiea or Night of the undead Ponies 2. If I remember correctly they are both your personal favorites, right?”

“Yeah! I didn’t think you would remember that.” I’m shocked. I thought for sure she would make some kind of excuse.

“I remember all sorts of things about you Luna. Just because I don’t show it all the time doesn’t mean I don’t know my own sister.” She smiles with a sense of pride.

“Vamponiea would be awesome if you're ok with that.” She nods her head toward the door. I follow her down the hall into the theater room. She has one of the servants get the movie set up and asks one of the kitchen staff to get us some popcorn. I feel myself becoming overwhelmed with sadness. A tear runs down my cheek.

“Luna please tell me what’s wrong. You are clearly upset. Why are you crying?” She is concerned. I am gonna miss things like this. If only this happened more often, then tonight's outcome would have never been decided.

“ I am just really happy that we are doing this.” I wipe the tear from my cheek and smile at her. She looks at me suspiciously.

“Me too.” She grins and gets comfortable in her seat.

We both settle into our seats as the attendant brings us our popcorn and drinks. The lights dim and the movie starts. This will be the last time I get to watch this film. The last time I taste popcorn and the last time I will ever sit next to Tia. I’m gonna miss you Tia. I wish every night would have been like this. I wish you wouldn’t have grown so distant and cold. After mom passed away you became so cold towards me. You kept yourself locked in your room for weeks. You refused to come out. Why Tia? Why did you make me go through that alone. I just wanted nights like this where we forget about the world. Where we laugh so hard that we can’t breath and spend time together just like when we were foals. Goodbye Tia I tried to hold on but I can’t anymore. This is my last night here and you don’t even know. Morning will approach and you will awake to find my letter. I don’t know if you will shed tears but I hope you do. But I hope the pain won’t last long. Remember me not for my demons but for the young spirit I once was.

As the movie was approaching the end I knew our time together was coming to an end . I feel so numb at this point that I am having an easier time keeping a straight face. I can see Tia yawning and I know she will probably go to bed after this movie. I hope she sleeps comfortably. The credits start to roll and I know it's time. Tia yawns again and turns to me.

“ Which board game do you feel like playing. I think we still have Settlers of Equestria which is your favorite.” She smiles at me. I stare at her confused. Isn’t she tired? Why is she doing this? It makes this so much harder to want to say goodbye. Why couldn’t she have done this sooner. Now I am conflicted. But I know this is temporary. She won’t keep this up. The only way to get rid of this pain is to end it. I will stick to the plan.

One last great night with Tia just like when we were foals and then it’s time to start my new adventure.

“Hello? Equestria to Luna?” She giggles at me as she waves a hoof trying to get my attention. “Yeah that would be awesome.” I choke back my tears but did a poor job of hiding it.

“ Luna you're starting to worry me. You have been acting strange all night. Please tell me what’s going on!” She raises an eyebrow looking at me with concern.

“I have just really missed this is all.”I do my best to keep a straight face.

“ Awww its ok Lulu, I have too. If I wasn’t so busy we could do this more often.” She hugs me tight.

“I know Tia it’s not your fault that you're busy.” I put my front legs around her almost not wanting to let go.

“Shall we play? You can even be the purple pieces this time if you want.” She lets go and points toward the door. We head down to her room to set up the game.

“Thank you for tonight Tia. It means alot to me.” With a weak tone to my voice. She smiles.

We played for a little over an hour and I won twice and Tia did once. We had fun playfully bickering back and forth, as one of us would cut off the other pony’s road they just built. Each time we played my tactic was always to go for the longest road and largest army cards which was one point each. You need twelve points to win the game and each town is one point. Each city is worth two points. We laughed and enjoyed the game. Which I am glad we did. This is exactly the memories I wanted to create with her tonight. I am glad she is smiling. I am glad she is enjoying herself.

“ I had fun tonight Luna. Do you want to do it again tomorrow?” With a cheerful smile on her face.

“ I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” A lump forms in the back of my throat as the words leave my mouth. She smiles. “Goodnight Luna,” her voice says softly. “Goodnight,” I whisper.

Her door closes and I realized what I just said to her. But I would miss it. I wouldn’t be there for her to hangout with. I am sorry Tia. I’m so sorry. I walk along toward my room staring at the ground. Two guards rush past me toward Tia’s room. I push open the door to my room and grab the bottle of pain pills off the dresser. I plop down onto my bed and lay there with the bottle in my hoof. This is it. This is how it ends. I look around for the letter and realize it’s not where I thought I left it. Maybe I had already placed it in Tia’s bathroom like I had planned to do. If so then everything is set. Goodbye Tia.

Just as I take off the cap to the bottle the door burst open.

“Stop Her!!!” Six guards come pouring into my room. I try to raise the bottle to my mouth before they can grab me but I am stopped by the yellow glow of magic forcing me to drop the bottle and restraining me to my bed. I knew who it was. Tia walks into the room tears streaming down her face.

“Out!” She glares at the guards for a moment.

“You will not do this! Why Luna, Why!” She stomps her hoof angrily into the ground.

“Why would you do this to me!? Do you know how much pain it would cause me!? I love you Luna more than you obviously know! Don’t you love me?” Tears flowing down her face as her voice shakes in anger.

“How did you find out? I thought I put the letter in your bathroom.” My eyes well up with tears and they start to stream down my cheeks.

“No you didn’t! With all that strange behavior of your's, I sent those two guards from the dining hall to search your room. You refused to tell me what was wrong and I needed to know you were going to be ok! I started to believe you Luna. I thought you were overcome with emotion because we were enjoying things we haven’t done in a long time. But all along it was because you were going to kill yourself! Answer my questions Luna! Now!” Her anger grows the longer I take to respond.

“I just……. didn’t think you actually cared about me. But then I was conflicted because of tonight. I wasn’t expecting you to respond the way you did. I wasn’t expecting you to want to hang out with me. I thought you would blow me off like every other night. Then I started to think that this was a one time thing it will never happen again. Of course I love you Tia it’s why I am hurting so bad!” I manage to get out while sobbing.

“Blow You OFF!? I have been busy running this kingdom! Maybe you don’t understand what that's like, but it’s mentally and physically draining! I am doing my best luna but I am only one pony. You know how many nights I almost killed myself after mom and dad died? But guess what kept me from doing it? It’s was you Luna! I couldn’t do that to you! Not after the loss that we both suffered. I knew you needed me! I couldn’t put you through that pain! So why would you do it to me Luna? Hmmm? Help me understand because I don’t get it one little bit!” I can see the fiery in her eyes. She is enraged by my answer. I need to get away from her. I struggle trying to get out of her spell that she’s holding me in.

“Luna!!! Answer me! I will not let you go! You can not be trusted anymore!” Her voice quakes in fear.

It feels as if the walls are closing in on me. My heart is racing and my breathing is rapid. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have got to get out of here. I need to break free from Tia. I hope this doesn’t hurt her too bad. I am just feeling trapped. My horn begins to glow and a burst of cobalt blue magic hits Tia and knocks her to the floor, releasing me from her spell.

“I’m sorry Tia but I must leave. I can’t be here right now.” I run out of the room not sure of where I am going but knowing anywhere is better than here.

“Guards!!! Capture Princess Luna and bring her to me!” Her voice echos through the halls. I pick up my pace into a full sprint and take my next immediate left, then a right and another left to try and throw the guards off my trail. I slip into a closet on my left before the guards come around the corner. The guards charge past the closet down the hallway searching for me. I probably don’t have long before they find me but at least I can think now.

I should have known that Tia would have them search my room. I should have hidden the letter better. I don’t think Tia will ever be able to understand. I get treated like a filly around here and I am the furthest thing from that. She ignores me and argues with me. I just want to be her equal. But she treats me like she is my mother. She is not my mother nor will she ever be! I just want an equal amount of responsibility. Forget it I just want to die! I just want to die so bad! Tia will never change! I mean just look at the conversation we just had. It was all about how she felt. What I was doing to her. She also just had to throw in my face about how stressful running a kingdom is. Maybe if she would let me help she wouldn’t be so stressed.

The only thing I get to do is raise and lower the moon. I am not involved with any of the decision making for the kingdom. If danger is coming, my opinion or ideas are never heard. If citizens need help, I am never asked to join and hear their concerns. No one knows me. They most of the time forget I am a princess. I am a worthless nobody and even my own sister thinks so. Just please let me die! I don’t belong here. I just want to die and leave this world. I am just a pony trapped by the world that surrounds her. What’s the point of being a princess if your title means nothing. If you have no responsibilities or obligations.

A mere thirty minutes feels like eternity, as I count every second I spend in my tiny box of relief. *knock knock* Why is someone knocking on the door? It’s a closet wouldn’t they just come in? *Knock Knock Knock* Well I will just sit here quietly and maybe whoever it is will go away.“Luna? Can I please come in?” Is that Starswirl the Bearded? Why is he here?
“Luna I know you’re in there I can see you through the door. So hiding behind your hooves waiting for me to leave isn’t going to work.” Dang him and his advanced magical abilities. Maybe if I scooch behind the box on the ground.
“Ummm Luna it's called x ray vision I can see you through the boxes too.” I narrow my eyes and slowly crouch behind the box.
“Luna…ok seriously not opening the door is just a courtesy to you at this point…” I trot over to the door and stand there, before sticking my tongue out at him. I open the door and we both start to laugh a little.

He wraps his front legs around me in a concerned hug. He pats me on the head and lets go.

“Now tell me what’s going on Luna? Celestia tells me you wrote a suicide letter and tried to kill yourself?” I can see he is concerned. But at least he is calm and not screaming like Tia.

“Did Tia put you up to this? I told her I needed to be alone.” I cross my front legs and give kind of a pouty face. He smiles.

“Luna, she didn’t put me up to anything. As soon as you ran off she came and found me. She was an absolute mess and worried sick. I let her vent while we stayed in her room. She was scared of you being alone and I can’t really blame her for that. So while we talked, I used a spell to keep tabs on you so she knew you were safe. There's one thing I knew for sure that she was not in a calm enough mindset to talk to you. Your sister is going to be furious with me when she wakes up but I did it for you.” He smiles and pats me on the head again.

“Did you use a sleeping spell on Tia? Why would you do that for me? I don’t understand. You are her best friend Starswirl.” I look down at my hooves feeling responsible for his actions. “Yes I did, but it was for her own good too. She has been so exhausted lately and I knew if she found you tonight, no good would come from it. You don’t need to be yelled at right now. You need someone to listen and be there for you. I may be her best friend but you’re my friend too Luna. I care about you just as much as I care for Celestia. I am here and I want to understand what you’re feeling.”

I try to stop the tears forming in my eyes but it’s no use. I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. He reaches out and puts his front legs around me, letting me cry into his shoulder. This is the hardest I have sobbed in ages. It feels good just letting it out but it also hurts so bad. “It’s ok Luna, just let it all out. I am sure you have needed to cry for a long time. It hasn’t been easy for you and I know that.” He rubs my back gently.

“I just …… want Tia to treat me like her sister. I want to be her equal. She complains about how tiring running the kingdom is but won’t give me half the responsibility. Why am I a princess if I have no part in ruling this kingdom? My own citizens of this land don’t even remember I am a princess most of the time.” I sit up out of his comforting embrace and collect my thoughts. He pushes my chin up gently with his hoof so that I look at him. “Do you want to keep sitting here in the closet or would you rather we get out of the castle for a bit? I mean if you like being in the closet, that’s fine but I thought I would offer to take you to one of my favorite spots to hide from Celestia.” He smiles. I nod and get up off the floor. A golden glow surrounds his horn and engulfs both of us completly. We appear on the mountain top above Canterlot, gazing out on all of Equestria.

“I can teach you the spell as long as you promise to never bring Celestia here.” He smiles at me.

“Thank you Starswirl, this means a lot to me.” We sit there in silence for a few moments just enjoying the fresh air.

High Tides

Starswirl and I talked for hours on end. He listened and was patient with me. He showed genuine concern in his eyes and tone. I never knew that Starswirl cared so much for me. I guess I always assumed that he was Tia’s friend. I like having a friend who is there for me. I really need this.

It’s just about time for Tia to get up and raise the sun. Starswirl uses the spell again to take us back to the castle.

“Thank you Starswirl for all the advice and for just being there. I never really had someone do this for me before and it was really nice.” He smiles

“Luna I will always be here for you. Whenever you need me you know how to get in touch with me. Unless you become just as clingy as Celestia, then I will need a new hiding spot.” We both bust out laughing. I smile at him and give him a hug.

“Good night Starswirl and again thank you.” He pats my back and lets go. He gives me one last smile before heading off down the hall to bed.

I should try to talk to Tia later tonight. Maybe it would be smarter to invite Starswirl along to mediate the conversation.I just know how Tia can get. She will cut me off and get defensive. She will scream and yell if she hears something she doesn’t like. But not tonight. She is going to listen even if it kills me. She will hear my words! I need her to. I need to know why she won’t let me help run the kingdom. Why I am being treated like a filly? I want to be an equal and I will fight her tooth and hoof for it. I deserve to be a princess in every aspect. I didn’t earn being an alicorn for no reason and I will not let it go to waste. I am ready for my duties and I will take them on whether Tia likes it or not. But I do deserve an explanation.

Tia opens the doors to the balcony where I am waiting for her. I start to lower the moon so she can raise the sun.

“Stop!” She glares at me. I stop using my magic and stare confused while the moon is only half lowered.

“Why?” I look at her trying not to tear up.

“I don’t need you to do this.” She still glares into my eyes with the anger growing in her eyes.

“But this is what makes me unique Tia! This is my special talent! It’s my moon! Can you even lower it? Because as far as I know I am the only one who can.” My voice shakes as a tear rolls down my cheek.

“You are not fit to be a princess! You are not responsible! You will not raise the moon or lower it any longer! You have proven with your actions last night that I was right to not allow you to run the kingdom!” Her voice echoes throughout Canterlot as she turns her back to me with her head held high.

“EXCUSE ME! You listen to me, sister! YOU are the reason I attempted what I did last night! I have never done anything to make you think I could not hold the responsibility. I have asked for years to share the throne, but you have selfishly kept it for yourself. Maybe they should just call you Queen Celestia because you have made sure that no one knows who I am! They don’t even know I am a princess.”

“Maybe they should call me Queen Celestia because I have been doing everything myself for years anyways. Also to answer your question yes I can lower the moon.” She chuckles so full of herself. Her horn glows and the moon starts to slowly move downward. I start to panic. Am I really that easily replaced? I can’t be replaced. I won’t allow it.

“No sister! You will not take this from me!” My horn starts to glow and a burst of cobalt blue magic hits her from behind. She falls to the ground. I walk over and tower over her. I bring my head closer to her face.

“I am a princess and this is my duty not yours. Whether you like it or not, I will be taking half of the responsibilities which is my earned right as a alicorn!” I raise the moon back to the center of the sky to prove my point. Tia gets up off the ground and shoves me out of the way as she starts to lower the moon again. My horn starts to glow as I take hold of the moon with my magic. I start to pull it back the center of the sky with all of my power.

“Oh no you don’t!” Tia’s horn glows a furious golden color instead of the normal yellow her magic is. The moon jerks downward with my magic still latched to it. I put every last ounce of power I have out of my horn. My magic goes from cobalt blue color to more of a purple. It surges out of my horn and around the moon.

“Not today sister!” As the moon jerks back to the middle of the sky, I can feel her magic start to pull it down again, so I tug back. The moon start to jerk violently back and forth in the sky. I can hear the ponies gathering near the castles watching with horror. They gasp as the moon is going crazy.

“Why are the princesses doing this?! When will this madness end?!” A colt underneath us faints dramatically. All the ponies below the castle start running away. It almost looks as if they are trying to leave canterlot. What is going on, why are they running from my sister and I? The doors behind us burst open=. I can hear Starswirl talking but I am not paying attention to the words. If I allow anything to divert my attention then Tia will win.

“Enough! If neither of you will listen to me then I have no choice!” I feel a wave of energy go through me as I see a golden orange magic wave continue forward and pass through Tia as well. Both of our horns stop working.

“Starswirl you are not to undermine me in front of my sister!” Tia glares at him.

“Well I am sorry miss high and full of yourself but you’re about to drown all of your subjects if you don’t work with me to reverse the effects immediately.”

“Activate my horn Starswirl, I want to help.” I look in his eyes with regret for the actions Tia and I just displayed. The wave of magic passes through me again and my horn glows a little as if to let me know it's ready.

“I need my horn back if you want my assistance as well.” Tia looks at us annoyed.

“Are you actually going to help us or should I just leave you here while Luna and I handle the situation?” He glares back at her.

“I want to help. This is my kingdom.” she says proudly. I glare at her, but I hold back my comments knowing that it’s not going to help right now. He does a spell on her real quick and then uses a teleportation spell to take us to the western border of Equestria. We all look out on the ocean, horrified at the massive Tsunami before us.

“Alright we need to combine our magic together while doing this spell to stop the Tsunami. Are you ready?” Both of us nod our heads in agreement. All of our horns start glowing as the ball of energy meets between us making a beautiful mix of cobalt blue, yellow, and orangish gold. A massive sphere starts to form in front of us and then suddenly erupts into a wave of magic that hits the Tsunami and makes it fall straight down like a wall of rain. The ocean rocks a little and then settles.

“Ok seriously? Why would you think it’s okay to play tug-of-war with the moon? The moon controls Equestria’s tides! You don’t see me forcing a volcano to erupt just because I am mad! Celestia I expected better from you. It’s one thing to argue with your sister but to put all of Equestria into danger for it? I am very disappointed in you. Luna remember what I told you last night?” I nod my head looking down at my hooves. Celestia has turned her back to both of us and started to sob. Starswirl watches her for a moment, but lets her vent.

“Then why didn’t you listen to me?” I pull my hoof back and forth in the sand nervously.

“I don’t know, I panicked. She was trying to take away what makes me special.” I look at the ground nervously. I hope that Starswirl will forgive me. I just get so stressed around Tia. I wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t mean to. A tear rolls down my cheek

“Luna the moon isn’t the only that makes you special, It’s your personality and how spectacular of a mare you are. I understand you panicked but you need to think about the repercussion of your actions.” Celestia faces us again.

“This wouldn’t have happened if she would have went inside and allowed me to lower the moon and raise the sun. But she is so childish that she couldn’t listen and just allow me to do what was needed. She can’t handle the responsibilities of this kingdom or her duties to the moon.” She holds her head high proud of her argument. Is she right? Am I too immature to handle my duties? This is all my fault. I should have just listened. All of equestria almost suffered because of me.

“No Celestia! You may be my friend but that doesn’t mean that I have to agree with what you say. This happened because you can’t see how selfish you are being! Your sister just wants your affection in such a difficult time but you only want to see it from your side. Try to understand how Luna feels. Maybe instead of trying to take away her talents, you should be working with your sister to make her feel like an equal! I understand your concern with it being stressful for her. That it will break her down emotionally but why can’t you let her try? She’s not a filly anymore Celestia. This is both of your faults, you both need to take even blame for what happened!” Celestia looks at him shocked. Her eyes are wide. She takes a few steps back. The look on her face goes from shocked to more of a defensive demeanor. I look down sadly. I know what I must do.

“Starswirl she’s right. It is my fault. I shouldn’t have fought with her and done as I was told. I am sorry for causing this catastrophe. I will apologize…….” Starswirl sticks his hoof out and stops me still glaring into Tia’s eye’s.

“Luna I will not allow you to take all the blame for this! It’s time for Celestia to get off her high horse and admit wrongdoing. If she can’t then I don’t want to associate with someone like that!” I stare at him shocked. I can hear Tia start to sniffle. I have to fix this. I need to take all the blame. I need to make him believe it’s all my fault. I can’t let their friendship end because of me. My eyes start to tear a little because I know I am about to lose a friend. Goodby Starswirl it was nice while it lasted.

“Starswirl please listen to me. It is all my fault. I have been acting very immaturely and gave Tia every reason to believe I was not capable of completing my duties. A few minutes before you came to the balcony, I attacked Tia with my magic and forced the moon to the middle of the sky. Tia was only trying to stop me.” He looks at me disappointed.

“I thought you said she was trying lower the moon and take over your responsibilities as princess of the night?!” Why do the words have to hurt so much? I don’t want to lie to him but I love Tia too much to let her lose her friend.

“I lied…..” I feel like I am gonna vomit as the words leave my mouth. I start to sob a little because I know what’s coming next I am about to lose my only friend. Starswirl looks at me a bit surprised and agitated.

“Luna why would you lie to me?! I thought our friendship meant more than that!” He looks away a bit hurt. His words feel like daggers in my heart. I feel a numb sensation go through my entire body. I look to Celestia in hopes she will just admit to the truth. My eyes are crying out for her to just say something. Just anything at all. Her silence kills me for now I must bring this to an end.

“I just didn’t think you would understand my feelings if I told you the truth.” Even though this is the lie. I feel hollow inside-out. A tear rolls down his cheek.

“You should have been honest with me from the beginning. I need to be alone.”

His horn glows an a burst of magic engulfs all three of us. We appear back in the castle just outside my room.

“Starswirl I’m sor….” He uses his magic again before I can finish my sentence and disappears. I walk inside my room and stand just inside the door. I look back over my shoulder.

“I hope your happy Tia. I have no friends and no reason to want to try anymore. You win queen Tia. Please leave me alone.” I slam the door in her face. I try to walk over to my bed but my knees start to feel weak. I collapse to the floor sobbing. Why did I think it would be any different? This is life’s way of teasing me. It brings amazing people into my life just to take them away. I am gonna do it this time. No note, just going to do it. I am not gonna be a burden anymore. Goodbye pain in my heart. I just need to find that bottle of pills that was here before.

I get off the ground and search under my dresser and under my bed. I can’t find them. Celestia must have had the guards remove the bottle from my room so I couldn’t try again. I will just have to find another means to finish my plan. I trot over to the door and open it. I decide to go left toward the kitchen, since it’s more likely to have something that could help me achieve my goal. I walk past a few guards as they eyeball me suspiciously. I smile at them and continue on my way. I need to act as if nothing is wrong so I won’t draw attention to myself.

I wish I could just tell Starswirl the truth, but if I did that then Tia would be crushed. We may have our issues but I still love Tia more than anything in the world. Her happiness is important to me. I don’t want her to suffer like I have been. Starswirl seems to keep her grounded and this kingdom still needs one of us around to run it. His words keep playing in my head.
“I know that killing yourself seems like the answer but it’s not Luna! Vent about what’s going on! Let a friend step in and help come up with a plan. One’s that don’t involve dying.” I wish those words still meant something here in this moment but they’re hollow.

“Luna, I care about you! Please remember that! I would miss you forever!” I don’t think he is going to be missing me anymore.

“Luna you are important! You are special to me and Celestia she just has a weird way of showing it!” I am not important and I never was. I may have been special to him but I am not anymore. Tia hasn’t expressed those feelings in a long time. But I don’t blame her, it is my fault. I am the awkward annoying little sister she wish would disappear.

“Luna I will always be here for you. Whenever you need me you know how to get in touch with me. Unless you become just as clingy as Celestia then I will need a new hiding spot.” Where are you right now when I need you most?

“Luna, I know it hurts but this is temporary! Stop trying to use a permanent solution that is irreversible.” Feels like it’s permanent pain accompanied by temporary relief. My solution ends the pain and offers permanent relief.

“Why don’t you just tell Celestia how you feel? It’s might make things better.” Oh I don’t know maybe because she doesn’t listen or care! But that doesn’t matter, I deserve it. But the one thing that echos more frequent, “Luna why would you lie to me?! I thought our friendship meant more than that!” It makes my stomach turn every time.

I wonder what they will even think when I gone. Tia will probably cry but within a few weeks forget because of her busy schedule. It would be as if I never existed. Every once and awhile she will remember me because of the quite lonely nights, only to forget as she is swept away to another royal meeting. She will cry but Starswirl will be right there to pick up the pieces and keep her going. Starswirl would be sad that I passed but, on about the same level that any of the other ponies around here. Within a few days the thought would be buried in the back of mind as his study consuming his time. Within a few months, I would just become “that one pony who used to raise the moon”. He would be occasionally reminded of me every time Tia would cry about me. In his mind, he will convince himself that he tried his best and did all he could. I will eventually be forgotten all together by the both of them.

I walk into the kitchen. There are two cooks to my right preparing breakfast and three servers to the left getting supplies for them. I walk over to the cupboards on the far side of the kitchen and start rummaging through them. One of the servers approaches me.

“Is there something I can help you find princess?” I look at mare and smile.

“No thank you. I am just looking through what items we have so, that I can decide what to have made for dinner later tonight.” She nods and walks back to the other servers. I keep searching through the row of cupboards. The look Starswirl gave me, I just can’t get it out of my head. His eyes said it all. He was disappointed, disgusted, and shocked by my words. Those words echo through my head over and over again. Getting louder and louder within my own mind. Please stop! I can’t take it anymore! It feels like the room is closing in around me. My breathing becomes rapid and short. I feel like I am starting to suffocate.

Please just let my lungs take in a full breath. Please, I am begging you! I can feel that weak sensation in my knees again but this time it is spreading to my full body. I can’t stop my legs from shaking. I feel my legs buckle under me and I fall to the floor. I still can’t take a full breath. God it hurts. It feels as if my lungs are on fire. I can hear people talking around me but I can’t make out what they are saying. My vision is a bit blurry, but I can make out three shapes that look like ponies standing over top of me. Their talking gets more frantic in it’s tone. I can see the outline of two more ponies getting closer. One of the figures has a crown on and a long flowing mane and tail, It’s Tia. The other has a wizard's hat on and a long robe. Is it Starswirl? I wish I knew what they were saying.

I feel a warm tingling sensation go around my entire body. I can feel myself being lifted into the air. I can see a faint orangish golden glow around me. It is Starswirl! But why is he here? I try to speak but I am unable to force the words out. I am in their hooves now. There is nothing more I can do. I close my exhausted eyes. And the muffled sounds of talking starts to fade from ears.

In The Mind Of Solicitude

I can hear distorted talking around me as if I was diving into an endless pool, never to resurface. I open my eyes and blink a few time to get rid of the blurriness. Bright lights beam down from the ceiling and sting my eyes. Am I in the medical wing of the castle? I had never been here before. Who would have heard of an Alicorn needing to visit the medical wing? I see a doctor look up from the clipboard he is writing on. The colt smiles at me.

“I am glad to see you are finally awake princess!” I try to sit up, but my chest is still too sore.

“What happened?” I look around still not entirely sure where I am. My last memories were of the kitchen and talking with a staff member before everything goes dark.

“You...had a panic attack.” He says hesitantly.

“Panic attack?!” I look at him wide eyed and concerned. I thought that was something that happens to ponies that are crazy. Am I crazy? My chest starts to feel a bit heavy.

“Don’t worry princess it’s nothing to fret over. Lots of ponies experience panic attacks throughout their lives. Yours was more severe but I can’t blame you with everything you have been dealing with.” He pauses for a moment. I still stare at him in shock. Why is this happening to me?!

“We need to keep you here for a few days for your own safety. Your sister told us about your suicidal outburst. We need to evaluate your mental state, so we can help you. We just want what’s best for you Luna. You're dealing with a lot of mental stress.” His tone is soft and gentle. I can tell he is trying not to upset me and “break the news to me easily” but, how is anypony not going to panic over this. Maybe I actually am ill, and this is just the beginning. As if I had enough reasons to be shunned. Luna: the first crazy alicorn. I suppose there will be a book about me. Hysteria starts to fill my face.

“Luna it’s okay. You won’t have to stay for longer than a few days if you cooperate and work with us. I know this is overwhelming and scary but I promise you that it’s going to be alright.” I just can’t think straight. My thought process has been derailed and I can’t even form sentences. My mind is all over the place. I’m trapped in a place with no escape. They don’t know me, how could they possibly understand what happened? Why even bother explaining it if they’re just going to strap on a straight-jacket and be done with it?
I don’t want to be stuck here for a few days! I want to go back to my room. I want to be alone. There is no getting better. They can’t help me! I am the world’s punching bag! I calm myself and put on my mask.

“I wish to go back to my room. Is there a way I can just receive treatment there?” My voice shakes a little from the anxiety. I feel as if the room is getting smaller by the minute. These white walls were a tomb.

“Luna you need to stay here in the medical wing. I know this seems terrifying but I promise you that everything is going to be okay. Is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable during your stay?” His eyes are soft and inviting as he reassures me. I feel my heart rapidly beating, as if it’s trying to burst right out of my chest. My hooves shake a little. How long am I going to be stuck here? They say a few days but I feel like they are never going to let me leave if I tell them the truth! He said something about a mental evaluation. If I lie to them I might be able to get out of here faster. No one can know the truth about my thoughts. Sometimes they even scare me.

“Luna? Did you hear me?” He looks at me concern. I realize at this point that I'm taking too long to answer. I will do there little test. It’s all going to be fine. I am going to get out of here.

“I’m sorry, I did hear you I just got lost in my thoughts. Thank you for offering but at the moment I am fine. Do you know exactly how long I will have to stay for?” I am hoping that I will only be here for two or three days. I really just want to go back to my room and be left alone. I don’t want anyone thinking of me as the crazy alicorn princess. I would rather everyone have no idea who I am.

“I’m sorry princess but I don’t have an exact answer to that. It all depends on how you are doing over the next few days.” My heart sinks. If they find even the slightest hint that something is wrong, they could keep me here as long as they wanted and I would have no say. Please let me be normal…just for a few days. Please!

“I understand.” My voice tapers off as I say the last word. I try to hold back my tears but I am unable to keep them from streaming down my cheeks. Wonderful, I can’t even control my own emotions anymore. So much for hiding them and being normal. Hello crazy alicorn train. I am destined to live alone and this pretty much just sealed the deal. There is no coming back from crazy.

A nurse comes in and whispers something to the doctor. He nods his head and the mare leaves the room.

“Luna you have a few visitors here to see you. If you would like, I can tell them to visit another time.” I nod slowly, still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of being a circus performance for all to gawk at.
The nurse comes back into the room. I can hear the sounds of more sets of hooves following her. I see tip of a long flowing mane come through the door. It was green, pink and blue; Tia. She rushes over to the side of the bed. Starswirl emerged into the room with a worried look on his face.

“Luna I was so worried about you! I thought I had lost you!” Tia wraps her forelegs around me and lets out a few tears.

“You were worried?” Confusion starts to cloud my mind. How could she ever worry about me, I am worthless.

“Luna of course I was, why wouldn’t I be!” She squeezes me tighter. My gaze shifts back to Starswirl. Why is he here? I thought he hated me. I just stare at him so confused.

“Why are you here?!” Tears start streaming down my face. Everything is starting to come back to me now. I feel so worthless. He came to my rescue just to appease Tia. He wasn’t here because he wanted to be but because he had to be for her!

“Luna… I…” I glare at him with anger so furious that I could probably start a fire with my mind.

“No! I don’t need a pitiful explanation about how you feel bad for the only crazy alicorn princess!! I don’t need your pity and it’s not wanted!” My voice slowly tapers off from my screaming tone.

“Luna it’s not like that! I care about you as my friend!” He raises his voice a little to get my attention.

“Right! Your friend.” I glare at him with same sarcasm that was in my tone.

“Luna you are my friend. I was upset before but that didn’t mean that we were never going to talk again. Plus Celestia told me the truth once she calmed down. I forgive you both. I love you Luna as if you were my own little sister” I can tell he is on the brink of tears. Did Tia actually tell him the truth? But why would she? I thought she didn’t care if I suffered.

“You did?” A tear starts to well up in my eye.

“Yes Luna. I felt awful for how I treated you and Starswirl has a point. I wasn’t treating you fairly and I’m so sorry. I understand that I need to work on myself to have a better relationship with you Luna. You're my only sister and I would do anything for you.”

“How can I trust you're telling me the truth? How do I know that you're not just saying this because Starswirl is here?” I shove her away as a feeling of betrayal sets in. Tears slipping out from under my hooves which now cover my face.

“Because I love you Luna. I have no reason to lie to you! All I have ever wanted was for us to get along like we use too.” Her face still in a bit of shock that I pushed her away.

“I don’t know Tia, why do you lie to me? You never include me in running this kingdom or anything that you do. When I ask why, you straight up lie to me every time! Give me a reason to trust you!!!” It’s getting hard to breath and I can’t seem to stop the anger coursing through me. Tia face goes from being offend too concerned. She must notice me breathing heavily.

“Luna are you okay?” She says as she moves closer. An orangish golden glow forms around her as begins to slide backwards away from me.

“Celestia you need to back off. This is stressing her out. She will be fine but I think its best we leave and give her some space.” Starswirl smiles at me and as he walks over to Tia and nudges her toward the door.

“I’m sorry Luna…. I will try to earn your trust back. I never meant to hurt.” Tears run down her cheek as she starts to walk toward the door with starswirl. As she reaches the door she looks back at me with tear in her eyes.

“I love you Luna.” Her voice shakes as she continues out the door.

I lay on my side facing the wall. I focus on calming down my breathing. I try to let my mind go blank and forget about what just happened. By tomorrow morning I will be the talk of the town anyway. Everyone will know I am Luna, the crazy alicorn princess, and this will become my new home for the rest of my miserable existence. It’s better this way. Everypony can live peacefully and not have to worry about crossing the street to get away from me. They won’t have to awkwardly pretend to investigate a flower pot to avoid eye-contact. They can rest easy knowing that I am locked up here. I really am as worthless as I feel. I have nothing to offer this kingdom and no purpose in this life I was given. I am wasted space for better talent. I know that I was granted my alicorn powers because of my talents but it has gotten me nowhere. Maybe it happened by mistake and I was never meant to be an alicorn princess. Sometimes I wonder why I was born if this is the meaning of my existence: to live in agony. The pain that can never be soothed. Why...why do I continue on every day? Why do I bare this pain? I need to get out of this hospital and finish the plan I started. This pain ends tonight! Not one more day of this!!!

I start to pull up the medical tape that is keeping my IV in….

“Princess Luna STOP!!!” A guard runs into the room and starts to restrain my right hoof. I try to fight him off but I am too weak. I grab the IV tubing with my mouth and tug with all my might. The needle rips out of my foreleg and immediately starts drizzling blood.

“I need a nurse in here! The princess has pulled her IV out and trying to escape!” As his head is turned away from me facing the door, I start to charge my horn up using a push back spell. As I cast the spell It hit’s the guard and pushes him back ward onto the floor. I stumble to my feet and bolt to the door. My heart is racing and the thoughts won’t stop. I am such a horrible sister. A tear streams down my cheek as I remember all the good times with Tia. Like the time she baby sat me and we spent all night watching movies and playing hide and seek in the forest near the castle. I wish I could feel at kind of joy now.

A nurse turns and sees me standing in the doorway. She stares at me in horror for a second. I bolt down the hall to my right and start to realize how sore my leg is. I can feel a trickle of blood flowing down my leg consistently. As odd as it sounds the pain was almost relieving to feel. I glance behind me and see three doctors and two nurses chasing after me. I have pushed my leg as far as it will care me. I start to fly to take the weight off of it. Blood drips to the floor as I soar down the hall. I look to my left into one of rooms I am passing. I see a soldier all bandaged up from head to toe. His eyes look shocked as he sees me. I see him try to get up. I motion for him to stay put. What am I doing? Why am I running? My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest as it starts to become harder to breath. The hallway becomes a blur as tears consume my eyes. I crash into the ground as I panic. I don’t even bother to get up. I just lay there. I give up…this is my life now. I can’t seem to do anything without one of these panic attacks spiking up out of nowhere.

Three doctors rush up to my side and use magic to carry me back to my room. I whisper

“I’m… sorry” as the guilt starts to sink in. There will be no ending this pain. I am meant to suffer with it for the rest of eternity. They bandage up my leg and bind my limbs to the bed with the restraints. There’s no point in fighting them. Starswirl rushes into the room out of breath and wide eyed. He looks at me laying here in defeat. He clears his throat

“Luna… this has to stop. You need help to deal with all that you have been through. Please…” A tear rolls down his cheek as his voice breaks a little.

“... just stay here.” His horn glows for a moment and a ball of magic hits me. It doesn’t hurt but it is warm and tingly as it passes through my body.

“I am disabling your horn until you are release from the medical wing. I am not doing this to hurt you Luna… I’m doing it because I love you. You and your sister are the closest thing I have left to family.” His voice trails off. I have never seen him cry like this before. He’s right, I do need to stop. I am hurting everyone else. That's all I ever do. I hurt everyone around me.

“I’m sorry Starswirl… you’re right.”

“Thank you” His tone is soft and light as his voice cracks a little.
His face shines in the light from the wetness on his cheeks. He gives me a small smile and leaves. If I have to hurt like this for an eternity, I would rather that then those around me to suffer. This is my burden to carry and mine alone. No one else needs to live with this pain. I close my eyes and rest.

“Princess?” I feel a hoof on my shoulder shaking me gently.
I open my eyes and see the same doctor from earlier who diagnosed me.

“I’m sorry to bother you but we are going to have you do your first therapy session now. Your therapist will be in shortly to meet with you and go over everything.” I blink my eyes trying to get the tiredness to wear off.

“Thank you doctor.”
No reason to not comply. After my little outburst earlier I am not going anywhere anytime soon. Plus I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I give in to my fate. I don’t know why I am messed up in the head but, I don’t have to let others suffer from the demons with inside of me. I am the nightmare of the awakened world. I am the Tantibus! I remember when I first became an alicorn. Tia told me the story of the Tantibus. It’s an evil force that brings nightmares to torment the dreamer. Usually the dreamer wakes up panicked and filled with terror. I am sorry Tia and starswirl. I know that I am your Tantibus.