It's Not About Winning. It's About the Body Count.

by Trenzalor

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Human, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 1650

Someone is displaced as Johnny Gat

*tink tink* "Is this thing on?" "Yes." "Okay. So…"
I'm Johnny Gat now. I'm also in a land of magic prissy bubblegum ponies. So life sucks right now. On the upside at least there are thing other than ponies here too, so that's good. None of these ponies know how to have a good time though. I guess I'll just have to liven things up a bit.

[spoiler]This story is a crossover with Saint's row 1, 2, 3, 4, and Gat Out of Hell. All properties belong to their respective owners. Sex tag added for suggestive themes (and possibly actual sex). Tags to be updated as I can remember them. All tags are subject to change. This story is open to crossover. constructive criticism appreciated. Empty hate is advised to be discouraged with extreme prejudice.[/spoiler]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-24 20:02:27 UTC

I'm Back Bitches

It was a beautiful, normal day in Ponyville, emphasis on was. The entire town went to shit. It was raining chocolate milk from cotton candy clouds, animals looked like botched Frankenstein experiment. It was general chaos ^Chaos is what I do.^ Shut up! this is my story and I'm going to tell it!

After she helped resolve a dispute involving cotton candy clouds, popcorn, and the previously mentioned Frankenstein animals (your average bar joke), Twilight received a letter Sunbutt, *holy sun glare* Are you going to keep doing that all day? Sheesh, calm down. Twilight received a letter from Celestia that said she needed Twilight and the other elements of harmony's presences in Canterlot immediately.

*lazy fade transition*

Celestia was waiting in the main hall as she waited for the mane six. Suddenly the doors open and the said ponies burst inside.

"We came as fast as we could." Twilight said with urgency.

"Thank you twilight. Thank you all." Celestia said, never losing her cool demeanor.

"Is this about the weather!? And the animals' weird behavior!? What's happening out there?! Why isn't my magic working!? Is there-"

Celestia holds up a hoof to stop Twilight's rambling. ^I wasn't rambling!^, yes you were, now shut up. and it seems to work.

"Follow me."

*another fade*

"I have called you here for a matter of great importance. It seems an old foe of mine, someone I though I had defeated long ago has returned." Celestia said in a serious tone

Fluttershy pauses to look at a painted glass window.

"His name, is Discord."

Fluttershy squeaks in fear.

"So you want us ta' use the elements and defeat him?" asked Applejack.

"No, he isn't important."

"WHAT?!" *screamed the ponies*

"Not important? But he's cause chaos all around Equestria! How is he not important?" asked Rarity with a bit of whine.

"He'll be dealt with in time. You need only worry about his interference."

"Then what did you call us here for?" asked Rainbow Dash, a bit miffed that she had to stop practicing for a false alarm.

"I called you here because you'll be facing a creature far more dangerous."

"More dangerous than Discord?" Fluttershy squeaked, not liking where this was going.

"Twilight, do you recognize this statue?" asked Celestia as she summons a picture of a strange bipedal creature.

"That's one of the statues in the Canterlot gardens. It's supposed to represent madness." Twilight said.

Celestia nods. "His name is Johnny Gat. He killed millions in his quest for power, and he had unbelievable abilities."

"If he's so dangerous, why didn't you just kill him?" Twilight said. She then covered her mouth with her hoof as the other gawk at her. 'Where'd that come from?'

"It's just as I feared. Twilight, you need to think very carefully from now on or else his madness will take you."

"What are you talking about? What's happening?" asked Rarity.

"Johnny has an aura of madness. His very presence in our world causes sapient life to become more violent and vulgar. We must hurry."

Celestia walks over to the vault and unlocks it. She brings out the box and opens it to reveal, nothing. Everyone gasps as Celestia drops the box to the ground.

"That's not possible! only I can break that seal. This doesn't make any sense."

Suddenly laughter reverberates through the hall.

"Make sense? Oh, what fun is there in making sense?"

"DISCORD! You know as well as I that this isn't the time for your games!" Celestia said in a mixture of frustration and anger.

"I missed you too."

One of the glass pains of Discord comes to life.

"Enough Discord! Where are the elements of harmony!?"

"I'm keeping them."

"WHAT!?"

"I can't trust you with them. What with our old friend running about."

"Only the elements can defeat him."

"I suppose you're right. Tell you what: If you can find the elements or show me that you've capture Gat, then I'll let you have you're elements back. But until then, I think I'll have a bit of fun." Discord puts the picture back in place and it stops moving in a flash, signaling his departure.

Stone is Over-rated

'I hate stone. If I never see another statue ever again, it'll be too soon.' I though as I waited for something to happen.

'Relax Gat. It's not like you're going anywhere.' said the most annoying creature in the universe ^Oh how you wound me.^

'Like you have room to talk. You're just as stoned as I am!'

'As much as I love your puns, I have a get out of statue free card coming.'

'What?'

What appeared to be a class of small ponies appears from around the corner and the seem to be on a field trip. Though three of them look like they're fighting over something. They stop in front of Discord first.

"Now this is a really interesting statue." the only adult motions to Discord. "What do you notice about it?"

"It's got an eagle claw!" said the yellow earth pony in a southern accent.

"And a lion paw!" said the orange pegasus.

"And a snake tail!" said the white unicorn.

The teacher starts talking again "This creature is called a draconequus. He has the head of a pony, and a body made up of all sorts of things."

'I'm so sure about that first part.'

"What do you suppose that represents?" said the teacher.

"Confusion!" said Yellow.

"Evil!" said White.

"Chaos!" said Orange.

'She's got you pinned there.'

"It's not chaos you dodo." said White.

"Don't call me things I don't know the meaning of, and it is to chaos!" said Orange.

"Is not!"

"You're both wrong." said Yellow as she jumped on the other twos' heads. They then started fighting.

'This would be incredibly cute if the weren't really fighting.'

The teacher walks over to them "Actually in a way you're all right."

The kids stop fighting.

"This statue represents discord, which means: a lack of harmony between ponies. In fact, you three have demonstrated discord so well, that you're each going to write me an essay explaining it."

The other children laugh at them.

"Now let's go, and I don't want anymore fighting."

They move on to me.

"Now what do you think this one represents?" she says as she motions to me.

"I don't know. But whatever it is, it sure is ugly." says Orange.

'You little bitch!'

"This statue represents madness. It's said that long ago, this creature could summons demons and rain down terror from the skies." says the teacher.

'My reputation proceeds me.'

"Come along now class." the class leaves around the bend.

Suddenly, I hear a cracking sound to my left. There's an explosion, and then I hear Discord's signature laugh.

"Well my stoned friend I've got some chaos to cause." he disappears in a flash.

'And I've got a world to rule'

I love this stone. It completely isolates me from the world. Thanks to that, I've been able to gather all the power I need completely undetected.

My stone prison shatters and I'm free.

"I'm finally back bitches." I start to stretch 1000 years can give you such a crick in the neck.

Suddenly rounds the corner and sees me. Before he can do anything I pop a cap in his head. He falls to the ground blood pouring from his new complimentary nose. But something's wrong.

"Where's the second boom?"

I pull out my phone and check my upgrades.

"Are you fucking shitting me? I'm back at square one!?" I groan in anger and go to find more guards to kill. got to let of steam some how.

The world will know that I'm here to stay.

Are You Fucking Shitting Me?!

I can't believe it. Somehow, it actually happened.

Okay, so my name's Jeff and I'm a big fan of the Saint's Row franchise. I've played every game 100%, and I own all the DLC. My favorite character has always been Johnny Gat. And even though I've fanfiction after fanfiction, I thought "What's the harm in dressing as him for Comic Con". That would turn out to be the worst mistake ever.

Believe it or not, I had a really good costume. I decided to go with Johnny from Gat Out of Hell, because I could never get over how cool those runes on his arms are. And of course, as the story goes, I was missing one part of my costume. I can't believe it's so hard to find sunglasses. I even meticulously tore a purple coat just to make it look like the game sprite, and it was all ruined with out the sunglasses. But alas, my search was in vain.

So I get to the convention, and lo and behold, It's more crowded than a TF2 server. Somehow I make it inside and I start looking around. There were so many good costumes, I had a hard time believing these people were not full time costume designers (though some of them may have been).

I was walking around and a booth caught my eye and I walked over to it. This guy manning the booth looked exactly like the merchant from Resident Evil, but for some reason I did quite notice.

"See anything you like?" he said, in a voice that sounds a little uncomfortable.

I looked the booth over and, what a coincidence, he had an exact replica of Gat's glasses.

"How much are those sunglasses." I said, my accent was impeccable.

"Ten dollars."

While that does seem a bit steep for sunglasses, it wasn't unreasonable. I paid him and took the sunglasses.

When I put on the sunglasses, I realized I couldn't see through them. I tried to take them off but I couldn't feel my arms. It wasn't until later I realized I had blacked out.