Chapters My name is Pinkamina Diane Pie, but I am known by many as Pinkie Pie. I’ve earned quite the reputation here in Ponyville. Some even gave me the title of “happiest thing alive”. I chuckle inside upon hearing such words.
Every morning, After I wake up, I put on a mask. It is as stiff as a plank, thicker than mud, yet thinner than paper. Nobody but me can see it. Nobody but me can feel its rough edges. No one but myself can wipe these dried tears inside. On it is etched a smile. It is my smile. It is a mask I wear everyday. It is a mask I am forced to wear for the rest of my life, for I have learned that sadness only brings more misery.
Beneath my smile, I cry. Beneath my random nature lies a complicated mare. I don’t know when you came into my life. However, when you did, you turned it upside down, and ruined everything. I don’t want to remember you, yet the scars left behind by your fangs still bleed today. Each night, I cry myself to sleep, trying to convince my fragile mind that one day, you will go away. I pray for us to be apart. I pray for us to walk separate paths. Each time I let go, you stab me to remind myself of the pain.
No one seems to notice the pain. How could they? All they see is a mask, an object I bear over my face to mask the ugly truth. It won’t break, no matter how hard it gets hit. I won’t break, no matter how much pain. It’s funny though; nobody ever comes to my house. The townscolts automatically assume I live at Sugarcube corner. Those are nothing but lies. I live far from them, so nobody may hear my cries in the silent night.
Why are we still together? Why are you still tormenting me? Hurt me. Stab me. Stab yourself. My blood stains the floor. There are grains of sugar, floating in red. Happiness? What is that? Shut up. You don’t need this mask. Why can’t you handle the truth? Why should we tell them the truth? Leave me alone. I can’t do that. Leave. No, you leave. Let me take over. Let me win. No! Come on, we are alone. Alright.
It’s too much. I can’t smile here. The pain is too much... I can’t... I can’t keep going... My past is too much to handle. I slid my hoof over a bloody picture. My parents... Yes, my parents... They were the ones to do this... There were the ones to make us. I remember now! I remember when we met!
It was that night; the skies were dark, and the moon hidden by clouds. Mommy and daddy were fighting. I didn’t understand; my party should’ve made them happy. Then, mommy stormed out the room, and grabbed me by my mane. She took me to the tube with the sour water. She tossed me down that tunnel, and grabbed buckets of sour water. The moment it entered in contact with my coat, the fur began itching. It hurt a lot. The pain was too much to handle. My eyes... They burn...
After two or three buckets down the tube, I hear screaming. Mommy was crying. I had never heard her cry. Then, a paralyzing shriek echoed across the rock farm. I heard daddy say bad words. I guess they were mad about my party. Then, a rope hit me on the forehead. My sisters had thrown it down to me. They told me to grab on. And so, I did. After a while, I was out of the tube. The stone was so rough. It had scratched off some skin. They dragged me along, as we ran outside the rock farm’s perimeters. Once in the forest, I asked them what happened.
“Mommy loved the party,” said the eldest. “However, daddy wasn’t too fond of it. Mommy ranted on and on about how she thinks he’s unworthy. She slapped him in the face, and told him he didn’t love him anymore, that she never had. She grabbed you, and shouted something about making sure you would obey. We saw her toss you down the well, and grab the sour water.”
“Then,” continued my younger sister, “Daddy was angry. He grabbed the silver toys we aren’t allowed to touch, and came at her with it. Maybe he still loved her, because I saw him jump on mommy. She didn’t love him back, because all I heard was screaming. Then, it stopped. Maybe she changed her mind.”
“I urged her to go grab a rope and pull you out Pinkie. Listen, we have to run. We can’t stay here anymore.”
“Hey sis,” asked my younger sibling, “Why is mommy sleeping on the ground? What’s that red thing? Did daddy spill juice over her? Why won’t her wake her up? She has juice all over her!”
I didn’t know what to say. For my younger sister to have witnessed such a scene at this age must be a sign from fate. Maybe we are cursed with bad fate. Nobody is the family was happy. The party I threw was in vain. My father had just brutally murdered my mother, and he was coming for us next. He would never allow us to leave like this.
It was cold. The wind sliced through my thick coat like butter knives. I was still covered in sour water, but it had already dried off. It felt weird having to run away like this. My hooves sunk into the mud. Never in my life had I felt anything like this before. I was used to the dry and arid lands on our farm. Finally, no more rocks digging into my hooves. That was already far behind. My parents were already far behind.
It was dark. We had to feel our way through the forest. My younger sister couldn’t understand why we were running. I told her we were going to a better place; a place filled with sunshine and rainbows. There would be mountains of candy, and she could finally sample ice cream for the first time in her life. Not only that, but she could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and supper. My older sister smiled. She was amused at my actions. We both knew we weren’t going anywhere better. We were only sinking in deeper and deeper into the darkness, until no light remained.
We wandered for hours to come. I didn’t know how my younger sister could still smile. I didn’t know how she could still possibly believe in the delusion of happiness. It is but a passing mirage, designed by nature to cover the torment and misery of life. We kept going further and further, but it was no use. She began asking me questions. She begged for answers. The veils of innocence slowly vanished in the passing breeze, and faded back into the nothingness from which it once came from.
“This is fear,” I said to her. “This is what you feel when you’re all alone, in the darkness of night.” She didn’t understand; no, she didn’t want to understand. She was trying to deny the truth. I felt thorns slice through our legs. Little by little, they were chipping away at her innocence. Finally we stopped. She was crying. I didn’t know what to say. She was scared. She understood.
Finally, my older sister stepped in, and told her that to achieve happiness, one must first suffer. I looked ahead, rejecting such strange thoughts. There was no meaning behind these words. Why suffer to bathe in what is only an illusion, bound to fade away eventually? My older sister decided to carry her on her back. She told me I could be more supportive. Truth is, I was only listening to the sound of your voice, whispering in my ear. That was the first time you spoke to me. That was when you showed me there was no happiness. I am truly glad you did that.
We kept walking forwards in no specific direction. We realized we were running out of strength. Soon, we would lose this game. We were the losers of this arms race. I heard the forest laugh around me. The trees were taunting me, whispering discouraging phrases, telling me I couldn’t keep going anymore. They said we were useless. They said we were trash. They told us we didn’t belong. They said we would surely die. I snapped.
All of a sudden, I ducked my head, and charged forwards. You said the mean trees were dead ahead. You told me that our combined strength could crush and kill anything. Kill... What a strange word... It rolls right off your tongue. It sounds right, doesn’t it? Kill... Yes, kill... But what could we kill? “Let’s kill the ones hurting you,” is what you told me. I did. I bashed the rotten trunk so hard, it fell over. The rest was like watching falling dominoes. I loved it. It was so enjoyable. To kill... It feels liberating, you whispered. I smiled. My eyes dilated. “It feels... Amazing...”
Finally, there was light. We saw our surroundings more clearly. Turns out, we were in a swamp. The filthy water around us had drunken our blood, and was now bathing in it. They were too scared to move, afraid of the monster they just saw. I said nothing. You didn’t say anything. You moved one leg. I moved the other ones. Soon, our hooves reached dry land. These strangers were crying, but I was laughing. Isn’t that what my sisters wanted? They wanted me to laugh! Yes; laugh! I chuckled, then exploded in a hysterical laughter. The cackling resonated through the night, and chased away the evils of darkness. I danced to celebrate my greatness. I had vanquished the darkness. All thanks to you!
I turned around, and ordered my sisters to come. They stood there. I came closer. They were snoring. The were drooling red. I guess they felt too sleepy. Huh? Sleepy? Something about sleep... Weren’t we not supposed to sleep? I couldn’t remember. You told me it wasn’t anything important. I listened.
My sisters... Why? Why did you do that? How could you have thought about doing that? You were smiling. I was smiling. You were smiling through me. They lay on the ground bleeding, and I was curled up in a ball screaming. In my pain, you took over. You did this to them. You dared hurt them this bad.
Me? Are you crazy? I am a pigment of your mind! I am the thing you always wanted to be Pinkie! I am the person you were too afraid to be! I am you! I am the better you!
No, please! Stop! I was screaming in pain, but you were only tearing me apart even more. I heard your maniacal laugh echo through the night. You started hitting me, beating me to a pulp. I was crying, yet you kept going. I begged you to stop. You didn't stop. Please stoop hurting me! Please!
Why would I? I have the power! Do you know for how long I've been longing to possess real hooves?! All these years, watching you suffer and scream, I stood powerless. I stood there like a moron, trying to walk. But you were too afraid of me. You knew what you were building Pinkie! Yet somehow, you still managed to continue. Why must you be so terrified of me? I am your true nature! I am the one who doesn't want to smile anymore!
The one who didn't want to smile anymore? What?
***
I wasn't feeling to well, so I grabbed a glass of water. To who was I talking to? In fact, where am I? I looked around. I was back home. There wasn't much to see, other than some old furniture, deflated balloon, and broken pottery. Who am I now? Is any of this real? Am I reliving my memories or merely telling them?
The room started spinning, and the floor gave in beneath my feet. I was sent swirling down a psychedelic vortex of green and dark blue. They ensnared me like vines, and dragged me down into a bottomless void. It was like watching water go down a drain. I didn't know what was going on anymore.
***
When I woke up again, I was in the forest clearing. I saw my face reflected in the water, and noticed I was a young filly again. Wait, water? I thought I was in a swamp. I looked over, and saw my sisters. Their wounds were bandaged with leaves and tied together with vines. Who moved us? Who did this?
When they finally woke up, I urged them to keep moving. We were running out of time, even though I never recalled a time limit. They followed, as we went in deeper and deeper, until the water was far away. We stopped. My younger sister asked me what was going on. I didn't even know anymore. She pointed at my hooves. I looked.
My hooves were covered in dried blood. It had stacked up over my furry coat, almost like a lizard's scales. I was horrified. Then, I heard my older sister whisper in my ear: "Why did you have to take us away?" I turned around, but there was no one. I couldn't see any light. I was scared, lost in my own torment. I tried running, but it was of no use. The voices kept coming back.
I heard them whisper out my name. They were calling out to me, all in an attempt to drag me back down into the darkness. I couldn't stand it anymore. I threw myself on the ground, and started rolling around on my back. I was shaking in all directions, screaming. I clenched my hooves to my forehead, trying to squeeze out the pain. It was too much. Then I saw it.
At first, it was merely a small light. Afterwards, I distinguished what it was; it was the shadow of mother. She was walking towards me, her steps echoing in the dark. Finally, she knelt by my side, and whispered in my ear: "Are one's actions really all it takes to define them?" My body froze, and my pupils dilated. I understood what she meant. Yes, I understood it now. I pulled out a knife from underneath my coat, and stabbed her in the throat and chest with it.
It was dark. There were no lights around me. I was in a small room. The walls made a metallic echo whenever I banged my head on them. I felt good, great even. We felt great together. I saw a small glow afar. I let you take over with confidence, and walk me over there. Finally, we bent over the reflection. You and I saw the reflections of our parents in the blade. They were screaming in pain, pleading for you and I to liberate them from this madness. We laughed. Finally, our spirits were in unison. Did I really need to be afraid of you all along? No. Was I right to reject you? No. Was it right to accept my inner demons? Yes. I have finally found the key.
Suddenly, the room around me was filled by an ominous light. Then, I saw you for the first time. For that brief moment, I actually saw you with my own two eyes. You weren't inside my head anymore, but elsewhere, at peace. You had the same physique as I did; a pink coat, and azure eyes. However, yours were much deeper color, and while my hair resembled cotton candy, yours was straight. It merely floated above the floor, but somehow, in the breeze around us, it flowed majestically. It was a perfect harmony between dark and light. Finally, I was able to touch the bottom of your hooves. I was able to accept you for who you are. Finally, I understood it now.
You leaned in very closely, and whispered in my ear: "Now you can stop lying to yourself now." Yes, I could finally reject the lie. I knew the truth. I accepted the truth. Even if I would still spend the rest of my life making up for it, now I can finally embrace this new-found feeling of peace. I looked at the knife again. Our parent's faces now bore serene expressions, right before fading away in the passing breeze. The light finally engulfed the both of us completely, but not joining hooves with you. Yes, you and I, Pinkamina and Pinkie Pie...
"Doctor," asked Twilight, "Is she going to be okay?" The stallion didn't reply. He just simply walked away mumbling. Twilight spun around in circles, worried for her unconscious friend. Suddenly, Rainbow Dash burst in, and demanded she be filled in on what happened to Pinkie Pie. Twilight told her to wait for the others, who came shortly after.
"Apparently," said Twilight, "Pinkie's older sister came to visit a few days ago, and found her unconscious on the floor. She was openly bleeding from her legs, chest, and neck. At first, she thought it was someone on the outside who did this. However, she then noticed a knife tucked in under her left hoof, and a note on the table, which was next to a shattered frame containing an old family photo. Right after the paramedics took Pinkie away to the hospital, she came over to the library, and alerted me about the current situation. She gave me the note before dashing off to warn the youngest sister."
"What about Pinkie's parents?" asked Rarity, "Aren't they worried sick?"
"I asked the same thing," continued Twilight, "She told me she knew what the note was about before even opening it. She also said the answers to all our questions would be revealed in here." Twilight broke off the small, red seal. She unfloded the paper, and began reading the contents out loud:
"To my friends and family,
I am sorry for doing something like this. No, I am sorry for not having done this any sooner. I can't live under this lie anymore! I just need someone to talk to, someone who could understand. I thought the best way to say this was through a note. After all, nobody can punish after I'm dead, right?
...
I am just stalling. I always knew someday, I would have to face the truth. The time has come to take off this mask of sheer happiness. Now, I must reveal the truth! I must tell the story behind the lie. I must tell myself, and you the real story. I must... I must erase these false memories I've created that night. I must erase this fictional past. I must erase my lie...
Yes, it is I who killed our parents that night. Yes, it is I who kidnapped my sisters. Father never came at mother with a knife. Mother never tried to drown me. My sisters never threw a rope down the well. We never ran for our lives into the forest. I never did any of those things. But if there is a truth in these lies, then it has to be her. It has to be that other me.
I grew up with 'serious issues'. That's what the kids at school always said. However, my parents withdrew me from school after two years. It just so happens that one day before the withdrawal, a group of bodies were found in my classroom, in the early hours of morning. My parents were shocked to learn that all of the victims were bullies of mine, and withdrew me in fear of all this falling on my shoulders. Truth is, it was us. She wasn't built from the dirt and filth of my parents' feuding. She was built from a long line of abuse, which started the day I went to school.
I never behaved like the others. The others found me odd, and couldn't comprehend my difference. I was born with a different mind. My spirit was prone to violent outburst, but my physical weakness prevented anyone from being harmed. I felt so powerless. I felt useless. I started dreaming of strength. I dreamt of power. That's when she came in. She took me by surprise, and turned my life upside down. I felt great. I felt power. I felt happiness. However, she didn't have enough. My parents finally set aside their regular, minimal feuding, and developed unworldly concerns for us. She told me of a plan to drive them away one night. I was too tired and angry, so I agreed without real thought. The rest is something I don't want to remember."
At a loss of words, Twilight flipped to the next page, shaking while doing so.
"To hide the truth to them, I knocked out my sisters, and hitched a ride off the farm. The next day, we woke up in the alleys of Manehattan. I told them someone had taken us away, and I tried to fight them. I said those things to explain why I was covered in dried blood. Finally, an old mare was kind enough to take us in. She told us that she didn't have too much money though. That wasn't a problem for us, wasn't it? Each night, I would come through the window, with satchels, and sometimes entire bags of money. I would hide the stashes, and go out and buy things the next day. You never suspected anything. Then, I heard of the murder of our parents. My sisters read the article. Their grief was greater than anything I expected. Now that I think of it, so was mine. I didn't expect to feel so much remorse. Over the years, that remorse overwhelmed me, and I began fabricating an entire story, where I was the victim. What a cowardly method to cover the truth.
When my sisters finally learned the truth behind the events, many years later, they burst through the front door, and they were ready to rip my spine out. Little did they know, I was much too dangerous for the two of them to handle. I had years of experience fighting off, and even killing fully grown ponies. I had to get that money in Manehattan from somewhere, right? Next thing I knew, my sisters were on the floor, drowning in their own blood. Luckily, I managed to snap out, and call the paramedics in time. That's when I checked into a psychiatric hospital for a while. Two years later, I was released. One year later, Twilight came to town."
Everyone in the room was completely stunned. Twilight herself had a very hard time unfolding the last page. Their heartbeats where heard in the patient room, where they bounced off the walls and ceiling.
"Finally, I decided to bare a fake mask. I decided to cheer myself up, and start my life anew. When I was released, I moved to Ponyville. I remembered that party I had thrown for my family, once a long time ago, back when we where together. I decided to do more of those. Well what do you know; it actually felt somewhat fun! For the first time in my life, I had experienced true happiness. I didn't always need to bear that fake expression anymore. Sometimes, genuine smiles came though. I was happy. Yes... Happy...
However, I couldn't deny the truth any longer. Each night, I cried myself to sleep for the past seven years. Each night, I would carve just one more opening in one of my limbs, with the sole intention of reminding me of the painful truth. I was so scared the time she really appeared before my friends. I was convinced Pinkamina would ruin my new existence at that point. Thankfully, my mask of happiness came back at just the right moment. I was truly relieved.
Sadly, a permanent worry was ingrained into me; what if it were to happen again? What if I were to murder my new friends? I couldn't take this looming sense of death above me anymore. I couldn't bear to carry the weight of two. I couldn't possibly go on, knowing that they could all die in a matter of seconds. How could I... How could I have created you?! Why?! How?! I... I guess I really am a coward, having to admit the truth through a letter I might never read. I had to resort to this? I had to kill just to prove a point?
...
We really are just cowards...
Pinkamina Diane Pie."
There wasn't a sound in the room. Everyone was still in shock from what they had just read. Finally, the machine next to Pinkie's hospital bed emitted short beeping sounds. The doctors rushed in and checked her pulse. They tinkered around with the device, until they hear Pinkie Pie groan in pain. reassured, they left the room. Twilight turned to her friend. The purple mare had tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry Pinkie... If only we knew..." she whispered. Tears fell onto the bed-sheet.
"I guess it's true what they say..." muttered Pinkie Pie, "Those who smile the most have suffered the greatest pain..."
It felt great. You remember, don’t you? That feeling. Yeah, that. Why wouldn’t they wake up? Why didn't they want to celebrate my happiness? Were they sad? I don't know... Tell me; why won't they wake up? Yes, you said they were sleeping, but why can't I wake them up? I think they need help! No, they do need help! Stop it! You're hurting me! Help me! Help! Help...
Yes... I've finally gotten rid of you for a while. Let's gently lay them in the swamp. What? They are part of your family? Well then, let me tell you this; you have no worthy family. You are just a brat, destined to be nothing but trash. Do you know why your mother drowned you? She wanted to assert her power over you. She wanted to make sure you would give her more. She wanted you to feed her with happiness, just to cover up her misery. She is a worthless whore. Your father had to chain her, just so she could carry you. I guess you already knew that. After, you are me. No, it is not the other way around. You are me, and no one else. Family? Family?! You call this insignificant trash family?! Enduring pain to bring about happiness?! There is no such thing!
You are truly pathetic, and unworthy. You were just another pile of leftovers from your mother. She had many more leftovers everywhere, expect she forgot to throw you away. No, it's worse than that; your father forced her to brings you into this world. Instead of one, he got three. Since you were the oddball, he decided to use you as a bag. He carried you around, and filled your guts with hatred. He then proceeded to throw you all over the place, and didn't even bother to clean you out. Guess what? That hatred he stored inside your guts is going to rot. After that, dirtiness and filth begin to build up.
However, you were to afraid to admit that. In your loneliness, you thought about crafting this filthiness into a friend, into something that looked like you, so you weren't alone in these dark times. All along, you've been crafting me piece by piece. Each new morsel of fresh hatred breathed new life into me. I savored all those tender bits of negative feelings, and I grew stronger. Don't you see? If you had ended this pathetic existence of yours, I wouldn't be born. Instead, you proceeded to craft a beings from the most disgusting parts of your flesh and blood. In the end, you created me.
No... I refuse to believe that! Oh, but you have no choice. I am you, and that will never change. Every light casts a shadow, just as every being has a dark side. I am the darkness. I am you. Yes, you were me. That's right.
Now, listen to me, and me only. I am listening. I want you to throw them into the swamp. I... I can't. That's when you moved my hooves. That's when you did the unthinkable.
