I'm NOT a Virgin Princess, Twilight!

by Lise

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia
Length: 3429

Princess Celestia has a stern talk about sexual awareness, tact, and the misguided notion of her virginity.

Displeased at the chaos that their lack of basic sexual education has caused, Princess Celestia teleports Spike, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle to her throne room to have a few words.

Unfortunately, Twilight manages to derail the conversation with something she sees as being of far greater importance.

Warning! Contains suggestive topic references of sexual nature.

Special thanks to Octavia Harmony for editing.

Published 2016-07-25 23:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-25 23:00:01 UTC

For the last time!

"Bu-bu-but..." Twilight stuttered only to receive a warning glare from Princess Celestia.

The monarch was unequivocally in the worst mood she had been in years. Not angry, not upset, not even disappointed, just incredibly, unbelievably, unspeakably annoyed. She had spent the entire day juggling between meetings, Spike, and the fallout of the bureaucratic nightmare Twilight had caused. And afterwards, just as she had been preparing to go to bed, two ponies and a dragon had literally swamped her with scrolls and letters—twenty seven in total to be exact. It was natural for Celestia to have the offenders teleported to her throne room, just as it was for her to directly answer all their questions without restraint or censorship. This, of course, had brought her some amusement, especially since Twilight, Spike, and on occasion Rainbow Dash, would cringe in shame and pain.

"Princess, you can't say such things!" Twilight squeaked. "Not in front of Spike."

"Twilight," Celestia took a deep breath. "For someone who prides herself for education, you seem to have avoided having the sex talk with Spike!" Celestia almost snarled.

A few steps away, Spike winced. He had been the first to send her a scroll, petrified that Rainbow Dash had suggested they "have fun" on a cloud. Celestia had found the scroll amusingly naive at the time and would have gladly sent a reply to reassure him and explain in moderate detail what that involved. Would have, if six more scrolls hadn't popped up, constantly interrupting her train of thought.

"I'm not talking about giving him the Pony Sutra—" Celestia went on, causing Twilight's wings to curl at the mention of the name"—but you could have at least given him some basic book on sexual education!" Twilight bit her lower lip, avoiding her mentor's glance. "For Stars' sake, Rainbow managed to convince him he was a lesbian! For a full day!"

Red as a cherry, Spike looked away. Beside him, Rainbow Dash whistled, innocently glancing at the ceiling. She too had sent four scrolls, worried whether she was moving too fast for the dragon. Celestia had genuinely been surprised at the amount of concern the pegasus had displayed, almost as if Rainbow believed Spike to be a porcelain statue that she could shatter if she wasn't careful enough.

"Do you have any idea what I had to go through to convince everyone, including Spike and Rainbow, that they weren't lesbians?" Celestia glared down at her trembling student. I know this is harsh, Twilight, but there are times in which you infuriate me. Twilight had been the grand winner of the letter-sending competition with sixteen letters, each the length of a small novella.

"Wait, Rainbow Dash isn't a lesbian?!" Twilight gasped, briskly turning in the pegasus' direction.

"Nuh-uh," Rainbow Dash shook her head.

"Definitely nope," Spike responded almost in unison.

"Honestly, Twilight," Celestia let out a deep sigh. "Next you'll tell me you think I'm a virgin."

"You... you're not a virgin?!" Twilight froze. Her jaw fell open, her eyes glazed to a blank stare. At this moment one could easily mistake her for a statue that had been dragged in from the Canterlot garden.

"Mom!" Spike cringed, as he stepped back. "Gross!"

"Spike, sweetie, please don't make me show Rainbow the scrolls you sent me." The Princess paused for a moment. "And you really should learn a thing or two on anatomy. Some of your questions were outright embarrassing."

The dragon fell silent, his face burning crimson. Whatever he had sent obviously gave Celestia enough material to blackmail him for years, maybe even more. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash tried to stifle a laugh. Her success was partial, earning her a deathly glare from Spike, as well as a you-have-your-work-cut-out-for-you glance from Celestia.

"Traitor!" Spike pouted, turning in the opposite direction of his lover.

"You aren't a virgin?" Twilight repeated, as if the entire world had ceased to exist. "As in, you have had..."

"Sex." Celestia rolled her eyes at Twilight's reluctance to utter the word.

"...with other ponies?" Twilight finished the question, flabbergasted.

"Yes, Twilight, I have." Seriously, is it so difficult to believe? Maybe I should just announce it in the newspapers. Ponies nowadays only believe what's written in the gossip columns anyway.

"But, you're... you're Princess Celestia!" The purple alicorn refused to acknowledge the statement. "You're the eternal goddess that created Equestria!"

"And that means I can't have sex?" Celestia arched an annoyed eyebrow.

"No!" Twilight shouted on the spot. "You're... I..." Ears flopped, Twilight stomped on the floor with both her forehooves. Celestia smiled, looking at her former student with an air of superiority. "I won't accept it! This is impossible! There's no proof you're not a virgin!"

"Do you want me to demonstrate?" Celestia asked. Several moments of devastating silence followed. No one dared make a sound, or even breathe, dealing with the shock of the statement brought. Finally, when the words passed through the border control of their brains, they reacted. Twilight choked, coughing as if an entire lemon had become stuck in her throat; Spike let an outraged "Moooom!"; and as for Rainbow Dash—she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes.

Maybe I was a bit too harsh? Celestia considered, hoof to her muzzle.

"No, that won't be necessary!" Twilight quickly came back to her senses. Her breathing relaxed, ears and wing tips stopped twitching, creating the illusion of a somewhat relaxed composure. "There are scientific methods we could use to prove one claim or the other." This was science talking now—the field which Twilight could call her own... even if Celestia had written or edited a large portion of the books that were taught at the School for Gifted Unicorns.

"Very well," As long as I manage to get some sleep I'm prepared to indulge you. And maybe we can finally get this nonsense to rest!

"Princess Celestia, you're a mare, correct?" Twilight summoned a clipboard. "In addition to being a goddess, of course."

"I am." The Monarch nodded.

"And you've been alive for hundreds of years, correct?" Twilight jotted something down.

"Millennia actually," Celestia corrected. "To be precise I've—"

"Aha!" Twilight shouted, her quill darting to point at the Sun Princess screaming "Gotcha!" to her face. "If you'd have lived for that amount of time—and taking into consideration that the average mare experiences sexual urges once every three-point-one-four-one-five days—it's physically impossible for you not to have had children! Even if we double the efficiency of the Absolute Arousal Protection spell, that still leaves a point-zero-zero-zero-three chance of impregnation, which in your case amounts to an absolute certainty of having at least a dozen foals throughout the ages! The fact that there aren't any—and I have it on reliable authority that Blueblood isn't your descendant—proves my point!"

If one thing could be said about Twilight, she always took her statistics seriously. Celestia wondered how her student was so well informed on this particular subjects. According to her security files, Twilight had only taken a handful of books from the Canterlot library's adult section, all of them cheesy risqué romances. Was it possible she had fooled Celestia's surveillance? Maybe it was a mistake to show you the observation corridor during you ascendence, Twilight? A pony of your skills could have easily manipulated all the observation spells into showing me Falcons images.

"Twilight," Celestia sighed. "I am a lesbian."

"I knew it!" Twilight hopped in place. "I was sure that—" Her expression changed from victorious to confused to terrified in the space of half a second. "Wait, what?"

"Chill, Twi," Rainbow Dash said, as she wiped the tears from her eyes, desperately trying not to laugh. "I didn't see that one coming either."

"You're..." Twilight took a deep breath, exhaled, then repeated the process twice more. Well, at least she's learned to cope better than before, Celestia thought. "I'm calm. Everything is calm." Twilight's left ear continued to twitch, however. "I was just a bit surprised. In any event, if you're a..."

"Fillyfooler," Celestia filled in the blank.

"...then you are technically a virgin, so I'm still right!" Twilight said, chin raised high. If it weren't for the trembling lip, Celestia would almost believe that he mare was feeling confident.

"Seriously?!" Rainbow Dash fell on the floor laughing, slamming the marble surface with her forehoof as she did so. "This is hilarious! Lesbian sex doesn't count?"

"Hey!" Twilight pouted, her face turning a deeper shade of purple.

"Like, Twi." Spike gave her a critical look. "That's just wrong. Based on my experience on the subject—"

"Spike, please, let's try not to confuse Twilight any further," Celestia interrupted. Also, your "experience" isn't an example I want to bring up right now.

"No! I can't accept it!" Twilight seemed determined not to give up. "You were thousands of years old when Equestria was created. At your age you—" A warning glance made Twilight stop. As calm and forgiving as Celestia was, there were certain things that were best left unspoken. "But I would have heard! Somepony would have heard! Or seen." The purple blush across her face turned crimson. "Right?" Twilight looked at Spike for support. The dragon just shrugged.

"Twilight, while it's sweet you still hold me on a pedestal, there is nothing wrong in not being a virgin." Celestia made a step forward. "I have had hundreds of lovers throughout the ages, and each of them knew the importance of discretion."

"But when?" Twilight stomped on the floor. "You're in meetings most of the day, and whenever I send you a letter you respond immediately. Surely—"

"Yes, you've caused many inconveniences." A slight frown on Celestia's part made Twilight's lips form a silent "oops." Actually, only four were serious, but you really must learn a thing or two about timing. "But since you clearly don't believe me, I've no choice but to name a few names to resolve this so we can all finally go to bed." At the mention of the phrase "all finally go to bed" Rainbow Dash burst laughing again, this time using Spike for support. "Oh, grow up, Dashie!" Celestia snapped, but not threateningly enough to have any affect whatsoever.

"Who?" Twilight swallowed, bracing herself for the answer.

"Fleur de Lis," Celestia said as if it were the most obvious thing.

"Whoa!" Spike said amazed, then scratched his chin. "Didn't see that coming."

"I thought she was with Fancy Pants." Twilight's ears perked up. On the surface this seemed nothing than the next weird revelation of the day, but in effect it had a more personal touch. Even before her illustrious fashion career, Fleur was well known in Canterlot. For years she had been a permanent fixture of Blueblood's entourage, later spending time with Twilight's brother, before moving onto Fancy Pants. She had been in the palace on numerous occasions, and yet to this day even the tabloids had no idea if she were involved in any scandal or not.

"She is in the capacity of director of my security." All eyes turned towards Celestia. "Which she had been doing for years before we got involved. How do you think Fancy survived the changeling invasion?" All three attendees looked at each other. "There was also Spitfire, who—"

"Spitfire?!" Rainbow Dash jumped into the air. "You told me she came to complain to you about me being flirty all the time."

"I never mentioned the specific circumstances of our meetings." Celestia narrowed her eyes.

"Princess?!" It was Twilight's turn to freak out again. "Does that mean that you've been lying about all those urgent do-not-disturb meetings of state?!"

"Oh, Twilight," Celestia laughed softly. "You'll find that with enough experience you could do both at the same time." She paused, considering whether to continue or not. Sharing so much information seemed like destroying their innocence. Then again, it was high time they learned a thing or two about real life. "It's convenient for mares with busy schedules."

"But the teachings? The religions throughout the ages, the historians, even the artists all said—"

"What they saw as convenient, and I had... I have no intention of correcting their interpretations," Celestia said firmly. Although, there was a particular piece of gossip she very much wanted to get rid of. Some bard had thought it amusing to write a ballade about her romance with Starswirl the Bearded, which apart from being incorrect and absolutely inappropriate, had almost caused a rift between her and Luna. Incidentally, Luna had also been going out with Starswirl at the time. "Now, if we're all on the same page, I would like—"

"Okay, okay, okay! Top five of all times," Rainbow Dash interrupted way too eagerly, causing both Spike and Twilight to take a step back.

"Hmm. Top five..." Celestia repeated. "In terms of technique, stamina, passion, or taking into account non-pillow skills as well?"

"Overall!" cheered Rainbow Dash. Behind her, Spike slapped his face in shame, while Twilight began wobbling, faint at the mere thought.

"Firefly, Flare de Mer, Princess Platinum, Minty, and North Star," Celestia said without hesitation.

"On a scale from one to ten, how hot is Fleetfoot?" Rainbow persisted, barely giving the Princess a chance to take her breath.

"A solid eight-point-five, but she's as straight as an exclamation point."

"Who will you choose between S—" A force of magic closed the pegasus' mouth shut, cutting off the rest of the question.

"As amusing as this is, I really need to go to sleep," Celestia insisted. "I have a sun to raise in five hours, followed by all the meetings that I rescheduled because of your nonsense." The specific tone of her voice made ponies and dragon look at the floor. Oh, for Stars' sakes! Can't I even make a point without having you thinking it's the end of the world? "Now, I am not upset, just tired, and would simply like to clear up a few things, so please listen carefully."

This is the problem with this generation. They are helpful, hardworking, determined, undeniably cute, yet petrified at the thought of disappointing me. One would think I'm the sun itself taken form.

"So," Celestia cleared her voice. "Spike, there's nothing wrong or scary in all the suggestions Rainbow made. She is perfectly aware of your inexperience and will gladly teach you through gradual experimentation. If there's something you don't feel comfortable with talk with her about it and don't bury me in scrolls asking advice in a childishly vague fashion."

The dragon coughed a few times, but the spark in his eyes suggested he had taken the advice to heart. One done, two to go.

"And you, Dashie, don't be so afraid. You won't break Spike. He's an adult now and I'm sure he could handle some craziness. Just start slow and pick it up a notch from there."

Rainbow's feathers ruffled up, as a slight blush appeared on her face. I don't need to ask what you'll be doing tonight…

"And finally you, Twilight. I find it extremely alarming that, unlike me, you still are a virgin princess. At your age Shining and Cadence had already became parents! Now, I understand that you might be conservative regarding certain aspects of life, but it simply isn't healthy depriving yourself of sex. And if you stubbornly refuse to educate yourself, I'll flood your mailbox with copies of the Pony Sutra! Is that clear?"

"Yes, Princess," Twilight whimpered, ears and muzzle drooping down.

"And one last thing," Celestia took a long deep breath. "Having sex on a cloud is definitely something you should try. Short of doing it in flight, it is the most out of the world experience you'll have. Just be sure to pick the right clouds. Despite what they say, thunderclouds don't enhance the experience one bit. And don't worry about falling off. All of you have wings, so—"

"Err, Mom?" Spike raised a hand. "I don't exactly—" a bolt of magic hit him head on. Two scaly wings burst from his back, without any warning whatsoever.

"Happy birthday, dear," Celestia smiled. It might be a bit too soon for wings, but the heck with it. Have fun, Spike.

Judging by the dragon's reaction, this seemed like the greatest day in his life. Incapable of words he stretched his wings to admire their full size, then did a few cautious flaps. The actions were clumsy, more suited for chasing away flies than achieving actual flight, yet for Spike they were nothing short of incredible. And, apparently, he wasn't the only one of that opinion. Rainbow Dash was already ogling them with admiration, the most mischievous smile covering her face.

Ah, young love, Celestia thought. It was charming to watch. Unfortunately, now was not the time. Goddess or not, she needed to get a good night's sleep before sunrise, which was becoming less and less likely by the minute. If there was any further advice to give, she could easily do so by scroll the following day.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I wish you goodnight." The Princess of the Sun concentrated. A bright aura surrounded her three guests, then flashed them away back to their homes. A somewhat rude goodbye, but at least she could—

A purple flash of light popped not the throne room, just as sudden as Celestia's own spell had been. It didn't take much guessing to know what had happened. Twilight Sparkle stood before her, slouching, ears dropped, eyes full of tears. It was as if all the problems of Equestria were weighing on her shoulders.

"Twilight?" Celestia asked with concern. Sleep or no sleep, seeing her former student in such a wretched state wasn't something she could ignore.

"It was all a lie, wasn't it?" She asked, the faint echo of hope ringing in her words. "Just a lie to make Spike feel better, wasn't it?"

"Twilight, dear." Celestia moved closer placing a wing on her shoulder. "I haven't been a virgin for millennia."

"And the rest?"

"The rest as well." Poor, poor, Twilight. I honestly didn't think it would have such an effect on you.

"Why didn't you tell me?" No stomping, no shouting, just a simple question. "All this time, you could have at least hinted, or sent a letter."

As if that would have turned out well. "I thought that you'd figure it out on your own." Celestia passed her wing along Twilight's mane. "Then you became a Princess and it was no longer my place to intervene..."

Minutes passed in silence, each seeming like an hour. As much as Celestia wanted to call it a night and leave Twilight to her own devices, she could not do so in all good conscience. It's always the unicorns that have issues, she thought as she held the unicorn. Earth ponies already know everything, and pegasi pick it up in stride. Cadence had figured out everything on her own before she had even started dating Shining.

"Thank you for telling me." Twilight broke the silence at last, taking a step back.

"Think nothing of it." Celestia pulled back her wing. She so much wanted to yawn, yet suppressed the urge through sheer force of will. If anything, she didn't want Twilight to think she was bored. The poor mare had suffering enough disappointment for one day.

"So, umm, if I ask that we... It won't be considered bad... And I won't ruin..." Twilight mumbled, some of her words as faint as Fluttershy's scream.

Celestia narrowed her eyes. With the gravitas of a living deity, she towered above the pony, her glance piercing through Twilight's very soul.

"Twilight?" the Sun Princess asked calmly. "Are you asking to sleep with me?"

"Maybe?" Twilight looked away, face redder than a ruby.

Well, Celestia thought. Didn't see that coming. Turning away she considered. The attempt was laughable. The pickup line—if it could even be considered such—was a crude, badly executed cliché that relied entirely on the willingness of the target to be remotely successful. Celestia was willing to give a few points for courage, considering everything that had happened, but that was about it.

"Twilight," Celestia turned at her. The purple alicorn looked back, her face transforming into the most cringe worthy attempt at a bedroom smile Celestia had seen in centuries. "I..." Her voice trailed off. One didn't have to be Cadence to see the crush Twilight had on her. Now that the virgin princess myth had been dispelled she was acting on it. "Come along, Twilight," Celestia smiled, placing a wing around her. "Let's go to my room and fix your education."