The Best of Tensions

by BlazzingInferno

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Romance, Random
Length: 4183

Spike finds a book on pony massage specifically for creatures with hands. Things spiral out of control from there.

A massage is just a massage, isn’t it? Apparently not when Spike is involved. Somehow finding a book on pony massage specifically for handed creatures like himself is fated to end the way that most of his adventures do: with the untimely destruction of Ponyville.
Unless Rarity can help, of course.

Featured on Equestria Daily
Winner of second place in Present Perfect’s writing contest, Soft Hands.

Published 2016-07-28 17:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-28 17:10:01 UTC

The Art of the Address

Rarity slipped her forelegs under the fabric covering her worktable and lifted it. She shifted it, noting how the material felt, how it sounded when ruffled, and, of course, how it looked. Would this shade be better for spring or winter? Was the weave soft enough, or was it condemned to be mere outerwear with something more pleasing to the touch underneath? Magic alone couldn’t decide such things; physical contact was essential.

A loud thump and some shouting soon gave her another, more pressing question to answer: what in Equestria was happening outside? She walked to the window and surreptitiously looked down to her front door. She’d used this particular vantage point on countless occasions just like this one, when the shop was closed to all but her closest friends so she could concentrate on dressmaking. The rest of Equestria would just have to wait while she let inspiration take her whithersoever it desired. Sometimes those were the best days of all, when she could work in blissful, uninterrupted silence.

Spike’s repeated glances over his shoulder and frantic pounding on the door made it clear that it wasn’t going to be one of those days. “Rarity? Are you home? You’ve just gotta open up! I-I thought I lost them at town hall, b-but…”

Rarity rushed down the steps, ran to the door, and threw it open. “Good heavens, Spike. Whatever is the matter?”

Spike jumped inside, slammed the door shut, and pressed his back against it. Sweat ran freely down his forehead, and he smelled as if he’d just finished a marathon. “You’ve gotta hide me!”

Rarity was about to ask who could be after him, and decided to slide the deadbolt into place first. “There. You’re safe now. Who could possibly—” and then she heard it: the rumble of running hooves. Lots of hooves. She hadn’t heard that kind of stampede since her infamous ‘two for one’ clearance sale last spring. She shut her eyes and sighed. “May I ask what you’ve done to incur the wrath of what sounds like half of Ponyville?”

“I just read a book! That’s all!”

His voice was surprisingly faint. She opened her eyes just in time to see his tail disappear into her coat closet and the door slam shut. “Spike! Please ask before you dive into my personal belongings and dishevel my fall wardrobe! I fail to see how your reading a book could—”

A panting sound drew her attention to the window by the hat rack, or rather to the light purple mare affixed to the outer side of it.

“Berry Punch, please stop… drooling on my window!”

Drooling didn’t quite cover it. Berry’s face was pressed against the surface, her lolling tongue slathering everything nearby with saliva while her breath fogged up the glass. “Is he here? He’s here, isn’t he! Can I come in?”

The ravenous look in her eyes said it all. Everypony in town knew about Berry’s ‘addictive personality,’ as it could best be described in polite company. The question was what she could possibly have a craving for at this time of the year, when there wasn’t a single fermented grape or cider apple left in the whole town.

Rarity could hear Berry’s heavy breathing as well as Spike’s shivering. “Who… um… Whomever do you mean, darling?”

The whole building shook as something crashed into it, and then Ditzy was pressing herself against the window neighboring Berry’s, matching her crazed expression. “Hey, Rarity! Have you seen Spike? I-I’ve gotta… talk to him… yeah… talk to him about something.”

“S-Spike?’’

Roseluck appeared in the next window over. “Spike? Is he here? He’s gotta be close!”

More voices filtered through the walls from the streets outside.

“I checked the castle already.”

“He’s not at the bowling alley!”

“Is he hiding in Rainbow’s house? Dragons fly, right?”

“Where is he? I’ve gotta find him! I only got one turn!”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Turn?”

Berry gasped. “Nothing! He’s ours, Rarity! You get your own dragon! A-and please let me know if you see him, ’kay?”

Rarity, purely for the sake of self-preservation, began to nod. “Very well… I-I’ll keep that it mind.”

Ditzy grinned. “Great! We’ll just wait out here in case he comes by.”

“I-I really don’t think you need to—”

The unseen crowd outside cheered. “Great idea! Camp out here, everypony! He’s sure to come by Rarity’s place soon!”

Rarity’s smile vanished. “I… see this is really important to all of you. I-I’m just going to… organize my winter wear. Carry on.”

She made a mad dash for the coat closet, cursing herself all the while for not picking up her drapes from the cleaners yesterday. The door slammed shut behind her amidst hungry cries of the seemingly single-minded mares crowding her windows.

“What in Equestria is going on out there, Spike? This madness absolutely did not come from mere reading!”

Once she lit her horn, she saw Spike sitting against the closet’s back wall with a small hardback book tucked under his arm. His head was bowed, and not in exhaustion. That alone made her adopt a softer tone. “What’s happened to all of those ponies?”

A tear ran down Spike’s cheek. “I just wanted to practice the new skill I learned… I don’t see how… Why can’t I ever do something nice for everypony without it being a disaster? This is ‘Spike’s Fire Starting Service’ all over again.”

Rarity pushed her way through the coats and sat by his side with a foreleg over his shoulders. “Nonsense! You’re a tremendous help to Twilight, myself, and all of our friends. And as a dear friend of mine, it’s my pleasure to help you in your own time of need. You can stay here as long as you like, Spikey-Wikey, and I’ll remain by your side. Only please tell me what happened.”

“It all started this morning… I was sorting some new book arrivals for Twilight, and I found… this.”

He held up the book, and Rarity leaned in to read the cover in the dim light. “Soft Hands: The Art of Pony Massage for Handed Creatures. How could a book on massage possibly turn turn a bunch of fully grown ponies into… that?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know! All I did was read it, and all the techniques looked so easy… I figured I’d be able to help Twilight relax after she’s had a long day, and maybe even do the same for you if that’d be okay… B-but I wanted to make sure I had the techniques figured out…”

“So you… started giving massages to random ponies around town?”

“No! I-I was running some errands and I ran into Ditzy… Well, technically she ran into me… but I showed her the book and she said I could practice on her if I wanted… and all of the sudden there’s this line of ponies waiting for a free massage!”

Rarity giggled. “I suppose a massage from a dragon would be rather unique. Still, who would turn down a few free moments of relaxation?”

He grunted. “But it’s not just a massage… or at least that’s not how all those ponies are acting! Ditzy looked so happy at first, but as soon as I said I was done she jumped up and got back in line! And the line kept getting longer! I must’ve massaged Ditzy four times, Berry three, Rose… The point is, they started… changing. It’s like they weren’t ponies anymore. Everyone was begging me to go faster with everypony else but give them extra time and threatening anypony who cut the line and…”

Rarity nodded, wide eyed. “You ran.”

“Can you blame me?”

“No, not in light of the ponies pressing themselves against my shop windows. If I hadn’t seen them myself, I wouldn’t have believed such things were possible. My earlier offer still stands: you’re welcome to stay, and I’ll remain with you.”

Spike stood and hugged her. “Thanks, Rarity. Once this blows over, I’ll wash all your windows, I’ll replant the flowers those ponies are trampling, and whatever else you want. Just name it and I’ll do it.”

She smiled and returned the hug. “Thank you, darling. I certainly can’t have a mob of massage-addicted ponies bothering my Spikey-Wikey, especially when he was going to be so kind as to offer me a massage before anypony else, save Twilight.”

She could feel him flinch ever so slightly. “O-of course. I-it’s only friendly and…”

“It’s all right, Spike. I know you have the best of intentions. Now we just need to find a way out of this mess, not to mention this closet…”

“Maybe if we just stay in here long enough…”

She sat back and examined the mothball-scented coat forest looming in front of them. “I suppose there are worse places to spend an afternoon… Did any of your, shall we say, ‘customers’ give any indication of what made the massage so addictive? I’m sure most of them have been under Lotus’s expert hooves at the spa at least once, but I assure you that this sort of reaction never happens.”

“Not really. I mean, they talked and stuff, but it was random things like how their day was going, or how good a friend I was for doing this for them… It’s only when I stopped that things got weird.”

“What about your book? I’m assuming there are no enchantments or other magical trickery at work here.”

Spike held up the book and fanned the pages, as if to dislodge any latent magic. “I’m sure! Twilight scans everything. She wouldn’t even let this thing through the castle’s front door if it had a curse or something on it.”

“Hmm. Then there’s only one way.” She took down the nearest coats, both to create more space and to form a soft spot on the floor.

Spike gasped as she lay face down in front of him. “What are you doing? I don’t want to turn you into one of them!”

Rarity batted her hoof. “Spike, please. I often go to the spa twice a week, and I almost never leave without a massage. If you simply show me what technique you’ve been using, perhaps I’ll be able to help. Maybe you’ve stumbled upon an unfamiliar nerve, or a tense muscle… something that we can simply explain to the ponies outside. It would do Ponyville’s citizens good to give the spa more patronage.”

Spike touched her back with a single, trembling claw. “A-are you sure? I meant it when I said I wanted to practice before I… and you…”

“I insist, Spike. Start gently, and I’ll let you know if anything feels amiss. No matter what happens, I swear that a simple, gentlemanly massage will in no way harm our relationship.”

“Well… okay. The book said to concentrate right about here.”

She felt his hands press against her upper back. His claws felt like knitting needles, pressing deep into the muscle with exquisitely positioned pressure. “Ooh, that feels wonderful, Spike! You’re a natural at thi—”

And then Rarity wasn’t in Ponyville anymore. The coat pile beneath her was gone, replaced by a beach blanket warmed by the sand and sun. Ocean waves broke nearby, lulling her to sleep with their quiet, sustained roar. Her sudden appearance here didn’t feel even the slightest bit odd, and in fact came as a welcome relief. Her everyday dressmaking routine was merely a daydream: interesting, but far less important than the tropical drink, bottle of tanning lotion, and picnic lunch waiting next to her. She sighed a contented sigh and stretched her legs. Nothing could possibly improve this stress-free moment.

Sand scattered across the blanket as Spike joined her, proving her earlier judgement wrong. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, briefly mesmerized by how his oiled scales glistened in the brilliant sunlight. “Mmm. I’m so glad you decided to join me, Spike-Wikey.”

He smiled as he tipped his sunglasses and stared at her over the rims. “How’re you doing, Rarity?”

“Splendidly. Absolutely splendidly. Would you be so kind as to help me with the lotion?”

“My pleasure.”

The beach was gone. Now Rarity was seated in her own dining room, or at least what her dining room would look like if she were to decorate it with every candle in Ponyville. The fire’s dim, flickering light surrounded her on all sides, save one. A crystal glass of fine cider sat inches away from her left hoof, which was dressed in a black silk shoe. The china plate next to the glass belonged on the cover of a culinary magazine; never had pan-seared rose hips and stuffed tomatoes looked so scrumptious, to say nothing of the heavenly smell. Again, this change felt perfectly natural. The beach was just another daydream, some faraway scene that, while wonderful, couldn’t match quiet intimacy of this one.

Spike, who was seated at the table’s opposite end, raised his glass in a toast. A few flecks of rosemary were still visible on his cheek, despite his best efforts to clean up after the many hours of shared prep work that preceded dinner. She’d just have to see to it herself afterward.

“Is everything all right, Rarity?”

Part of her didn’t want to answer, not even with a nod, for fear of detracting from the moment. She couldn’t help herself all the same. “Everything is perfect. More than perfect, in fact. Our dinner is truly divine, and I can’t believe how romantic the dining room looks! I wish we could stay here forever, just the two of us… But of course I’m gushing now. Were you going to say something? Do go on. Please go on!”

He sipped from his glass and raised an eyebrow just as all the candles gave a simultaneous flicker. Suddenly she was in Canterlot palace, standing on the dais just in front of Princess Celestia’s throne. A shimmering white dress inlaid with blue crystals seemed to simultaneously connect her to the ethereal stonework under her hooves and yet set her apart from the world, as if she was floating above it like a cloud.

A crowd of ponies in fancy dress, including every name from every corner of the fashion world, were seated before her on velvet cushions arranged in neat rows that overtook the entire throne room. A long aisle lined with blue sapphires and red rubies stretched all the way from her place on the dais to the distant, arched doorway.

Forget dinner. Her heart raced as she looked over the crowd of smiling faces. Everypony looked so happy, but their joy couldn’t compare to her own. She’d hoped and dreamed about this moment for ages, and it had finally arrived! She was here at last, steps away from the heart of pony society, and moments away from saying “I do” in the presence of all her family, friends, and colleagues.

“Are you ready, Rarity?” Spike was standing next to her, clad in a black suit with red trim. His hand was held out, waiting to take her hoof. “Are you?”

She blinked and took a second look around. Why did he keep asking her that, and what were they doing here again? Hadn’t they been in her shop a moment ago? Why did everything look just like one of the wedding fantasies in her diary? “Ready… for what, Spike?”

“To wake up?”

For nearly a minute, Rarity couldn’t stop twitching. She lay on the closet floor, waiting impatiently for her body and mind to occupy the same space and time. A few seconds in, her eyes focused enough to discern Spike standing before her, fanning her sometimes, and speaking some worry-filled question in others. His voice sounded like water splashing in a fountain, and it was wonderful. Can’t you see I’m fine, Spikey? I’m smiling, aren’t I? Why did you stop?

“Please say something, Rarity! I-I was going to quit after five seconds, b-but you kept talking and—”

She sat up and stared at him. “How long was I out? What did I say? Please tell me it wasn’t anything embarrassing!”

Spike touched his claws together and blushed. “The massage was thirty seconds, tops. At first I thought you were just telling me how much you enjoyed it, but… but then you just kept telling me to keep going… and… and…”

Rarity got to her hooves and stared Spike down. “And?”

“M-moaning. You just kept saying ‘don’t stop’ over and over again—”

She put her hoof to his lips. “I absolutely forbid you to continue describing it, and I doubly forbid you from giving a massage to Twilight, or anypony else!”

Spike started to shiver. “W-was it really that horrible?”

“No, not horrible, or even bad per se. Merely… I-I’d rather not go into it. Suffice it to say that you giving even the briefest massage is wholly inappropriate for… for… friends.”

His jaw dropped. “Whoa, I… None of the other ponies reacted that way though, so what’s different about you?”

Rarity blushed and began pushing her way through the coats. “I prefer that we don’t dwell on it. Not today. Let’s just secret you somewhere else, somewhere more comfortab—Aah!”

As soon as the closet door opened, Rarity backpedaled and nearly sat on Spike in the process. Twilight stood there, her mouth agape and her cheeks so red it looked like she was on fire. Her mouth opened and closed as she attempted to speak.

Rarity beat her to it. “Twilight! This… this isn’t what it looks like. It’s… well I don’t quite know how to describe—”

Twilight shook her head vigorously and turned away. “I-I guess I can’t… I mean… who am I to stand between two consenting adults, right? What you two do behind closed doors… in a coat closet… in the middle of the afternoon… while there’s some kind of crazed mob outside that I was trying to rescue you from…”

Rarity gasped. “Not another word, Twilight! Spike will explain everything in full, which I assure you will be completely devoid of whatever you think was happening!”

Spike cautiously peeked around Rarity’s side. Pony silhouettes were passing the windows constantly, as if his admirers were keeping guard. “Can you get us out of here, Twilight?”

Twilight bit her lip. “Y-yeah. Just… don’t get upset if I look at you funny for a while, okay?”

“Wait!” Rarity said, “As unorthodox as this whole situation is, I believe I might have a way to break the… ‘spell’ that the townsponies are under.”

Spike leaped for joy. “Great! Is it a counter-spell, or a potion? Do we need to track down a mystical ingredient in a faraway land?”

She shook her head. “No. There are some… striking similarities to what I experienced and a few things I’ve occasionally pondered… and perhaps committed to paper.”

Spike gasped, and Rarity glared at him as she fought off another blush. “And I hereby swear you both to secrecy! What matters is that I think all you need to do is talk to them, Spikey. I-I believe I can give you the proper words to say, and if you repeat them in a convincing manner, all of this madness should soon be behind us.”

Ten minutes later, with his friends by his side, Spike undid the deadbolt and opened the front door. Gasps and shouts swept through the impromptu campsite that had formed on Rarity’s doorstep. Ponies stuck their heads out of tents and stopped setting up their cookstoves, all of them wearing big smiles.

“Spike!” they said in unison.

For a moment wild chatter erupted from the crowd, which immediately started to converge on its target. Both came to a purple, glowing halt, thanks to Twilight. Twilight nodded at Spike and winked. “They’re all ears.”

Spike waved. “H-hi, everypony.”

Rarity patted him on the shoulder. “Just like we practiced, darling. You must be gentle, but firm.”

He nodded, never taking his eyes off the crowd. “Okay. Okay. So… I-I know you think we had something really special before, and we did. B-but it’s just not going to work out. It isn’t healthy for any of us, and I think you know that. That’s why it’s important that we set what we had aside and… just be friends.”

The legion of smiling faces staring at Spike slowly fell, their unnervingly fantastical joy turning into perfectly normal heartbreak. Some unknown pony started to cry, and the notion spread like wildfire. In a split second, the entire crowd of ponies was on the ground, bawling uncontrollably. Tears wet the ground like spring rain.

Rarity held Spike close. “You did the right thing, Spikey. I know it’s unfortunate, but it’s what they needed to hear.”

He nodded. “I know. I just wish they weren’t taking it so hard.”

“Having experienced my own version of what they’ve grown so attached to, that’s completely unavoidable. Assuming my theory is correct, none of them even heard your voice. They heard the voice of… someone very special to them. Someone that perhaps isn’t even real.”

Twilight joined their embrace. “Rarity’s right. Just let them get it out of their systems, Spike. They’ll be back to normal soon.”

Spike waved his hands in a feeble attempt to quell the misery. “I’m so sorry, everypony, but… but it has to be this way. I didn’t want to hurt you. I never ever wanted to hurt you, but—” he stole a glance back at his friends “—Rarity’s the only one for me anyway. I-I think you all knew that. That’s why you knew I’d come here.”

Rarity giggled and held a hoof to her mouth. “I think you can stop now, Spike, although your devotion is duly noted.”

Just as quickly as it began, the mass crying stopped. Ponies sat up and looked at one another, some asking what time it was. Ditzy wandered to the front of the pack and gave Spike a long, blank stare. “Hey, Spike. We… uh… We were talking this morning, weren’t we? For a second I could swear I’d inherited a huge bakery or something, and the stallion running the register was so amazingly cute, and… What happened?”

Spike forced a smile. “Nothing! Just a… misunderstanding is all. I’ll catch you later, Ditzy. I bet you have a bunch of mail left to deliver.”

Her eyes went wide. “The mail! I forgot about the mail!”

Ditzy took to the skies, Berry staggered away in the general direction of her home, and the rest of the onlookers made their own equally confused exits.

Spike whirled around and gave Rarity a hug. “Thank you! Thank you for saving me, Rarity!”

Rarity wrapped a foreleg around him, still very conscious of how his claws felt on her skin. “Think nothing of it, Spike. Now, I believe you have a promise to keep?”

He held up the book that had started it all and nodded. “Yeah. This thing is way too dangerous for your library, Twilight. We should just send it back to wherever it came from.”

Rarity held up a hoof. “Ah, yes. Be that as it may… would it be all right if I held onto the book, Twilight? I assure you it will be kept out of the wrong hooves… or hands, as it were.”

Twilight looked at the book and shrugged. “I guess that’s okay. I mean, there’s nothing inherently magical about it. I think whatever happened today was just part of Spike’s dragon magic; all those ponies saw… I don’t know what to call it… nice things? They were in some kind of wondrous, romantic fantasy world that they didn’t want to leave?”

Rarity nodded. “That sums it up quite well, I think.”

Spike sighed. “I’m just glad it’s over. Do you mind if I wash your windows and everything tomorrow, Rarity? My claws ache, my back aches, I really need a shower…”

“Of course, Spikey. Go take some time to recuperate. You and I will reconvene tomorrow at, shall we say, ten thirty? I’ll make the two of us a delightful brunch to celebrate.”

Spike perked up and grinned. “That sounds great! I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As soon as he and Twilight began their walk home, Rarity ran back inside and bolted the door. She took the stairs two at a time, slowing only when she approached her bedroom window. She returned to her vantage point, the secret spot that allowed her to observe the world below undetected, and watched her friends leave. “I certainly never expected that today, Spikey-Wikey… never in a thousand years.”

She went to her dresser next. The accursed massage book dropped into the top left drawer, next to a fire ruby necklace and a diary peppered with romantic fantasies that spanned beaches, dining rooms, and castles. She stared at the drawer’s contents and began to smile. “Well, perhaps a thousand years is a bit much. Perhaps in two… or one. We’ll just see how brunch tomorrow goes.”

Author's Note

Fan art by Blackflash:

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