I stared at Twilight Sparkle from behind the pair of dark sunglasses perched on my muzzle. My face was shaded by a large white sun hat that begged to be pulled down even more. The younger mare sat across from me and was sipping a strawberry lemonade with a cheery smile on her face. A few shiny maneclips in various colors aided in sweeping her mane to the side as she scanned the menu with her eyes. We were both at a street-side table in one of the many cafés near Canterlot's vast markets. She had told me that this was one of her favorite places and that they had the best sandwiches on this side of Equestria.
I didn't doubt that. I didn't say anything, I simply watched as sunlight shone through Twilight's drink, making the ice cubes sparkle. I tried to focus on the music in the background, a happy, bouncy song and while it wasn't my cup of tea it was pleasant enough to be catchy. This was the exact kind of popular music my sister adored — inoffensive, meaningless, painted smile tunes meant for all.
It was easy to pay attention to everything but Twilight Sparkle when she wasn't talking. She had been browsing the menu for at least five minutes even though I'm sure she already picked out what she wanted. Hadn't she? I couldn't recall, not when I was in this state, with my heart at a gallop in my ears.
I leaned back in the chair a bit, hoping to catch a glimpse of something distracting. Anything that would draw the prying eyes of ponies somewhere else. The street wasn't very busy this afternoon. Yet, it still felt like somepony was watching me, just waiting for me to make another mistake. I know it's just an effect of my mind; everything is apparently mere mind tricks with the ordeal in Ponyville still being so raw. I know that this is just a side effect of staying in the castle for a week after the Tantabus was revealed to my sister, and the conversation I had to have with her. I told her, and I think it helped. I don't feel like I'm at the breaking point anymore. Staying inside helped. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong, at least not today. Everything is sunny and there's even a cool breeze which feels so nice and-
"Luna?"
Nothing will go wrong today. It's just my mind. Nopony's watching me. Tia tells me that it's always my mind. She tells me over and over again that I'm too negative; that if I only think about and say positive things everything will get better. I still hear her chants to look for the good cantering through the back of my thoughts, like a drumbeat to accompany my heart and nerves.
"Luna, are you spacing out on me again?"
I. Am. Safe.
Celestia tells me I'm always safe, even if I don't feel safe around myself or others sometimes. 'Everything will be okay' is what she basically spoonfeeds me a dozen times a day. I feel no hope in those words, only the sourness that they don't work and that I rarely ask for them. But Tia, Twilight, and everypony like them see fit to give them to me anyway.
"I'm sorry, that joke was terrible." Her words are a needle to the cloud of my anxious distractions, if only for a moment.
I know I don't want to be here, but I already am. Wait... Twilight's talking. "Yes, Twilight?"
"I was going to ask you what you wanted."
"Uh... maybe a salad?"
Is there no way that I can explain to her the truth without hurting her feelings? Tia was abhorred when I tried to back out of this, and when I even suggested that the truth would be okay to tell Twilight — either now or afterward. Kindness matters more to my sister, to Equestria, and always has.
I do not feel this situation has been very kind to me, but the odd mare out is not the one that ever gets what she wishes. Not when she is out-voted, out-smiled, and out-spoken by the herd around her.
"This place only serves sandwiches."
"Yes, one of those."
Twilight smiles a bit more, and I have to wonder if she has been to the dentist recently. There is an eerie, uncanny luster to her teeth. "So do you want me to pick one?"
"Yes."
Somepony suggesting to pick out my food for me, a grown mare, is one of the biggest insults. It need not be limited by time, this ought to be a curse in all cultures. Twilight Sparkle should look at me and know that I do not subsist on little snippets of rabbit food like side-salads. I have been trying to tell her everything with nothing, and she is blind to my blight.
"Are you feeling okay?"
"Definitely, as you may see, I'm not sick."
'Tis no lie, and yet she reads nothing into the awkwardness of my words. Will anything short of flipping the table rid me of this horrible day? I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want to be here at all, where I must feel that if I do not beg to be treated well I shall not be respected. Yet, why do others see fit to back me into these places where I cannot be heard?
"Are you sure? It doesn't seem like it."
Stars above, I wonder why.
"This is the most you've said since you arrived and that doesn't make it seem like you're okay."
Please don't ever make me do this again.
"Twilight Sparkle, I am not feeling ill."
"You know, you can just call me 'Twi' since we're both princesses now."
"Yes."
"Is it too warm? I mean, I do admit that it is pretty warm but—"
I look over to the menu she's holding. Since she's paying attention to the veil of this — this maelstrom of anxiety; this emotion — that obscures me from everything else, the menu has almost slipped from her hooves. I can see all the brightly colored options and try to ignore the growling in my stomach from forgetting breakfast. Knowing what awaited me this afternoon was enough to tie my stomach in enough knots that they probably spelled out Twilight Sparkle's name, as unfortunate as that image is.
With my sunglasses on, Twilight can't see that I'm nearly looking through the laminated surface of the menu. My ears prick and catch the waiter's presence before Twilight does. Ignoring any kind of input is mind-wracking and impossible right now. She turns and tells him what she'll be having before looking back at the surface of my emotional veil again, where I squirm below.
"Do you know what you'll be having?"
My hoof finds the glossy image of one of the sandwich options, and I'm able to make it look natural instead of forced. It lands on a random option. "That one, please."
Twilight puts in my order and turns away again while I relish at this moment, finally having some room to breathe. She faces me not, and that fills me with a sense of freedom. Once the waiter leaves I find Twilight looking at me with a rather unnerving expression.
"Agoraphobia!" she declares far too loudly.
Would Tia chew me out about being 'too rude' if I tell her Faithful Student to please not shout random illnesses at me? How much of a lecture could such an action result in? Why must Tia treat the feelings of her Faithful Student as though they are more fragile than glass, and to call Twilight Sparkle less than perfect will make anypony Tartarus-bound?
Behind my glasses, I blink. "What about agoraphobia? Is that not the fear of... markets?"
"Public places!" Twilight corrects me with uncomfortable, oblivious cheer. "You have agoraphobia don't you?"
"No..." Can I simply just not want to be here? I am worried that she might touch me on this date, and the toxic spike of nervousness that thought brings makes me feel teary.
"Oh, so it's just one of those days, huh?"
"Maybe."
Please, just talk to anypony else. Tia totes you around as the 'Princess of Friendship' even though there is no sense to the title. Why can't you just use that as a hint some other random stranger wishes to hear from you?
I watch as Twilight take a large slurp of her drink before setting it down with an almost too-loud thunk. "I know what will cheer you up!"
"Mhm?"
"A story! Mare-talk is what my books say is perfect for times when I'm dating mares. You won't believe what happened last week, it was so crazy! I didn't even have time to write a letter about it, although maybe I should get to that... You see, I'm filling in Princess Celestia on all the details of my romantic life is proper, but..."
Twilight goes on and on rambling about two or three mildly curious events until our food is brought out. While I eat my grilled cheese sandwich, I thank myself for picking something unsuspicious and enjoy the taste. I'll give Twilight credit for picking a place with nice food, even if she's still going on about something that isn't exactly 'crazy' at all. Instead, she merely retells what is just a very bizarre account of a little squabble with her and Miss Rarity who, as I take it, is her on-again-off-again marefriend. I hear that is what they are called, at least when I asked Cadance to explain their relationship to me. Since she's absolutely lost in this tale of hers, Twilight doesn't notice when I sit — still facing her, of course — and cease listening as my thoughts drift to this morning.
...
Celestia's hoofsteps are heard by me before she even arrives on the balcony where I stood looking out over Canterlot. It wasn't the gorgeous city I was looking at. Instead, my eyes were on Canterhorn Mountain. The weather looked like it would be nice today, perhaps a bit too sunny — but I think I heard that it might rain later, which would be nice. I love it when it rains on the mountain, so perhaps I could go hiking later in a perfect drizzle. There was nopony on the mountain, after all.
"Luna, is that you out here?"
When I turn around, I see that my sister in the doorway to the balcony. Her mane is a mess, and she clearly has only just woken up. Tia was never one for waking up early, and her crown is missing. This is a mare who usually needs gallons of coffee in order to have her first conversation of the day.
"Is it time for me to raise the sun yet?" she asks with a yawn. I have to hold back from giggling; Tia appearing outside of her chambers without her mane being brushed is practically the scandal of the century.
"No, it's only two in the morning."
Celestia's too tired to be shocked at the times I choose to get up and doesn't even bother to rub the sleep from her eyes.
"What day is it?"
"I believe it is Wednesday, dear sister. Why would it be any other day?"
"No, Luna, I meant that I wanted to know the date."
I tell her and watch all the exhaustion in her face fade in an instant.
"Really? No... I thought we had at least a few days to prepare for this..."
"Prepare for what? I do not remember there being any important meetings—"
"No, not that. Luna, did you hear anything about Twilight Sparkle recently?"
"Err... should I have?" Celestia would have told me about something this important, wouldn't she? It doesn't seem like it was anything bad, was it...?
"She broke up with Rarity again and she's not taking it that well..."
I nod since there isn't much I can add to this. Maybe Tia will just ask me to sign a card to Twilight Sparkle and pretend we both sent it instead of just her. This wouldn't be the first time either of those things has happened.
"What do you think of Twilight, Luna?"
"Didn't you ask me that a few days ago...?"
"And what did you say?"
"I told you that I thought she seemed like a nice pony and a good student, before she became—"
Celestia smiled. She always had an especially positive smile whenever Twilight was mentioned. "Exactly! Would you want to see her?"
"Oh! She's coming for a visit? That sounds nice."
"Sort of. She wanted to see you."
Me?! What interest would Twilight Sparkle have in me? "So you want me to talk to her then? I'm not sure I have much advice I could give. 'Tis not like I have ever had a breakup or romance before."
"Think of it more like a date."
No... she wouldn't have. Tia wouldn't do this; she couldn't! I conceal my reaction easily, but the fire of my emotions is a ball threatening to escape my throat and explode. Maybe I could explain things to Twilight, that this can't be the kind of date they mean. Tt's just Tia trying to do her a favor all I have to do is—
Celestia places a hoof on my wither, and her tone is warm. "It isn't healthy for you to be alone so much and Twilight is, like you said, a very nice pony. I'm sure you'll find a way to help each other."
"But—!" My hiking plans! It's not like that! I like being alone! I don't even find Twilight Sparkle attractive! She has too much submissiveness about her character to be lovable. Never have I so much as wanted another mare to touch me, to want me, and the very thought of it is filling my heart with an ill, dizzy sensation. Me, with a mare? Twilight Sparkle being illiterate makes more sense than that!
"Luna, I'm worried more than ever about your health, and spending time with somepony will be good for you."
It won't.
"She's going to be at a sandwich shop... you know the one near Canterbury Road? She'll be there at one of the tables outside. Just be there by ten even if it's to offer a 'hello' and dine with her."
A 'hello and dine with her'? Goodness, is that not a whole date by another name, Tia? You're guilt-tripping me into this! I don't want to make Twilight feel bad, but I never wanted to go on a date with her. I have never, ever once thought of her that way!
"It's all perfectly arranged, you have nothing to worry about," Tia says with a kind smile that makes my stomach drop.
...
Twilight is waiting for me to respond. I barely heard a thing she said. I swear to the stars, somepony is definitely watching me...
Is it too much to ask that for one day, I do not feel the dirtiness of somepony's gaze upon my skin? I already feel unclean enough after everything I've done to myself. What more can these mortals possibly want from me now?
I need to answer. Something honest, of course. It always has to be something honest. I can't just tell her I was pressured into going on my first date, or else all the fragility that Tia has both claimed she has and instilled in her will shatter. When I arrived at ten, I could see she had been crying. While she had only a modest pile of tissues to prove this, it does not change that she was still in distress. I am not a cruel mare who wishes to worsen her sadness, even if I want something different than she does. Twilight Sparkle has been enjoying my company, but it isn't a mutual feeling. I've felt uncomfortable ever since my arrival at this little eatery. I don't feel lonely like Celestia thinks, or at least not when I'm actually alone. I'm only lonely when around ponies like this...
Twilight's looking confused. Has she finally read my emotions clearly? Surely, she knows I can not smother them as my sister can. Now she looks suspicious. No... she looks hurt.
I need to tell her something honest, and quickly. But I can't hurt her feelings, she's already sad.
I think somepony is watching me...
I don't want to do this anymore. I let go, I lose focus. For a moment, I'm scared before that too disappears. I hear the sound of a table-flipping as i try to move and me shouting something a little too loudly before leaving as quickly as possible. At least I didn't lose my sun hat as I turned a few streets; it helped hide the look on my face. Although, I, unfortunately, did bump into another pony. All I saw through the glasses' tint were a few basic features: a unicorn stallion with a white coat, green eyes, and three aces for a cutie mark. His eyes almost looked terrified when I accidentally collided with him, but I didn't stay around to see before I added a quick apology and decided to teleport instead.
...
My chambers were always safe and homey to me. This was largely due to the fact that I cared for them and cleaned them myself, and that nopony ever ventured into them. Only Celestia had my permission to drop by, but I needn't exactly give it to her. We shared the same home. Eventually, there is a knock on my door, and I know exactly who it is. I don't want to answer it. I don't want to hear how much about how much I owed Twilight Sparkle, not when Cadance has always told me that nopony owes another love or dates. Sister has always seemed to think otherwise. I will be staying buried under all these pillows and blankets for quite a while longer. At least I'm safe here; there's room to breathe when I'm alone. I simply prefer it this way, and every time I try to tell sompony else this, I am scorned with 'poor dear'-type talk and lectures about herd animal nature at the worse end.
"Are you okay?"
I do not think so.
"Twilight told me what happened, and—"
My sister's voice is silenced by the sound of a pillow being flung at the door.
"Why did you run away?" she asks me, her voice dripping with so much patronizing concern.
Oh, there's only a million ways that tone of hers can go. Please go away, I just want to calm down.
"Luna, you need to talk to me—"
"No."
"No? Do I need to mention just how panicked Twilight was because of what you did today? She wants to talk to you."
"We do not wish to talk to anypony. Please, just let Us be."
"This is exactly what I mean. I know that you spend so much time alone, but you can't lock yourself away like this. Nothing will lead to loneliness faster than this."
"We are not lonely." Does reverting to the old ways of speech tell her nothing?
"I think you need to be honest with yourself—"
"We are being honest! How are We to explain that We are not lonely to somepony who craves company?"
There was a brief pause outside the door. "Company is good, Luna. You need it. Everypony does."
"We do not."
"We'll talk later."
"We will not."
"Okay, Luna," Celestia added sadly. "If that's what makes you feel better, you can keep telling yourself that."
There was a sigh before her hoofsteps could be heard going back the way they came.
I sank back into peace, and wondering just how one would explain something like that to Celestia. She always spoke of charity, company, and friendship above all. How could I get her to understand that? There was nopony I was interested in befriending or anypony I wanted to consort with unless it was required of me. I liked spending my time away from duties alone, I picked the less social tasks that had to be completed if I could. If I wanted a friend, I would go make one.
It was my nature to be pleased with solitude.
Author's Note
In terms of 'verse continuity this is set somewhere after the events of 神の一手 as well as the episode 'Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?'.
[Revised for print on 11/26/2020]
