The One Without Logic

by Razalon The Lizardman

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Fluttershy
Length: 1399

Logic has decided to take a vacation. The residents of Ponyville don't notice.

Logic has decided to take a vacation. The residents of Ponyville don't notice.

Published 2016-07-29 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-29 20:10:01 UTC

In which the Random tag gets horribly abused

Twilight had just opened her refrigerator when her ears perked up in response to the Friendship Castle’s front door opening and closing.

“Twilight! You home!?” she heard Spike’s voice call.

“In the kitchen!” she called back.

Twilight resumed gathering ingredients from the refrigerator, listening while Spike made his way to the kitchen. She was running low on food, she realized, scanning the sparse contents of the refrigerator. At most, she could make herself a daffodil sandwich with a glass of milk for lunch. She made a mental note to send Spike to fetch some groceries while she was busy answering Celestia’s recent call for help with some government documents.

She levitated all the ingredients for her daffodil sandwich — bread, lettuce, tomatoes, cocoa powder, and the quintessential daffodils — up and over to the nearest counter just as Spike entered, before fetching both a butter and a breadknife from the knife rack.

“Hey, Twilight!” Spike said, coming up behind her.

“Hey, Spike!” Twilight said, casting a brief, smiling glance behind at her #1 assistant. “How was your playdate?”

Spike let out a huge, tired sigh. “Exhausting; the CMC really take a lot outta a guy,” he replied, and made his way over to the fridge. “We got any milk left?”

“Sorry, Spike,” Twilight said, as she began simultaneously cutting up the bread and tearing off some lettuce leaves, “but there’s only enough milk for one more glass.”

“Really?”

Twilight nodded. She then fetched a glass from the cupboard and poured in the last of the milk, before levitating it over to Spike. “Here, you need it more than me.”

Spike took the glass with a smile. “Thanks, Twilight.” He then proceeded to pour the glass over his head, letting the milk splash atop him before running down his body and onto the floor, to which he let out a long, contented sigh. “Much better.”

“We need some more groceries,” Twilight noted, dumping the entire tin of cocoa powder onto the first bread slice, before tossing the the empty tin over her shoulder into the nearby recycle bus. “Think you can go out and get some?” she asked, adding the remaining ingredients to her sandwich, before placing the second bread slice on top, completing her meal.

“Me? I just got back and now you’re asking me to go back out.” Spike harrumphed, lightly stomping the floor. “Seriously?”

Twilight sighed. “I’m sorry, Spike, but I’ve got a lot of paperwork to sort through.” She took her meal and began heading into the next room, Spike following behind her. “Like, a whole lot of paperwork.”

“Oh come on, how much can Celestia expect you to–” He stopped, his eyes widening as he took notice of Mt. Paperwork currently sitting atop its throne on Twilight’s desk. “... Point taken.”

Twilight sighed. “I’m sorry, Spike, but I really need to get this done.” Setting her lunch next to the towering stack of papers, she sat down and levitated the first paper off the stack and down to her. Gently, with expert precision, she began folding the corners together in a specific pattern. “But I’ll tell you what: I’ll give you a little extra money so you can get a gemcake from Sugarcube Corner while you’re out.” She set her newly-completed paper crane onto the floor beside the desk, and levitated the next document down, turning around to Spike with a smile. “That sound fair?”

Spike mulled over her offer for a moment, before sighing and nodding his head with a little smile. “Alright, Twilight.”

“Thanks, Spike.” She lit her horn, to which her saddlebag popped into existence next to Spike. She set the second paper crane onto the floor next to the first, before reaching over to her sandwich and lifting it up. Horseradish and daffodils and vegetables went flying as she threw the entire meal against the wall, before the wall tentacles proceeded to drag everything into the Salsa Zone. “I know I can always count on you,” she finished, her smile growing wider.

“Yeah, yeah.” Spike took the saddlebag in his hand and left the study, heading out into the entrance hall and up to the door. He jumped up and punched the question mark block next to the door, strapping on the jetpack that fell out. He then slipped outside and took off into the sky.

He made it to the market plaza in little under a minute. His dignity was discarded and left in the safety of Mouzer the Great’s ruined fortress of kitty litter, before he headed into the marketplace to purchase supplies. The crowded market plaza was abuzz with the chatter of many shoppers as ponies used their katanas to replicate themselves en masse.

“Oh, hi Spike!” called a familiar voice.

Spike turned around to see Fluttershy approaching, bobbing and weaving through the throngs of pirates, making sure to excuse herself every step of the way.

“Hi, Fluttershy!” Spike replied. The two soon fell into step and continued their stroll through the factory together. “How’ve you been lately?”

“I’ve been okay,” Fluttershy replied, sweetly, before she frowned. “Discord hasn’t, though.”

“Why’s that?” Rainbow asked.

Fluttershy’s face scrunched up in a mixture of confusion and concern. “He’s been spending a lot of time holed up in his room for the past week, mumbling stuff about him ‘having lost his purpose’.” She shook her head. “I hope he’s alright. I keep offering to take him to a psychiatrist, but he keeps refusing, saying it won’t matter now that he’s lost all reason to exist.”

Ember rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t worry so much about him; he’s probably just pulling your leg or something. Besides, I doubt there exists a psychiatrist who can even come close to diagnosing the Spirit of Chaos himself.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Fluttershy smiled a little.

“Anything else happen recently?” Hagrid asked.

Fluttershy smiled a little wider, and was about to answer when a loud explosion erupted from behind them.

“Yippee-kiya, motherbuckers!”

Spike and Fluttershy turned around, only to dive out of the way of a velociraptor, holding a machinegun and dynamite, riding atop a great white shark that zoomed through the market plaza. The raptor howled with glee, firing his gun into the air as his toothy mount sped around a building and out of sight, his laughter echoing into the distance.

yhsrettulF and ekipS collected themselves, getting up and looking in the direction of the wild pair of apex predators. “Wonder what Geoffrey and Bridgette are so excited about?” Spike wondered aloud.

“I don’t know,” Fluttershy said.

Another explosion sounded in the distant sky. Popcorn began raining down from the clouds above.

“Looks like something went wrong at the weather factory,” Fluttershy noted.

Another explosion. And there were keyboards.

“Hope they get around to fixing it soon,” Spike said.

A human man with a handgun appeared from around a corner. He shouted, “Garbage day!” before firing a round into a nearby unicorn’s cranium. The unicorn smiled and left with his plasma balls in tow. The human walked away, laughing maniacally as he twirled his gun around his finger.

“Well, see you around Fluttershy,” Spike said, waving her off as he continued onward.

“Goodbye, Spike,” she replied, and went her own way.

Spike merrily walked along, enjoying the sights all around him. He’d didn't make it very far before a vaguely-familiar voice called from behind him.

“Hello, Spike.”

Spike turned, and instantly he remembered the voice’s owner. “Oh, hiya Logic!” he greeted, and ran up to the abstract personification, taking interest in the tourist garb he was wearing, as well as the travel bags he had by his sides. “... Did you go somewhere?”

Logic nodded. “Indeed I did, young Spike. And I must say, my holiday in the Marequesas was quite pleasant. I recommend you visit it sometime; the orca staff are splendid hosts, and the sights are simply breathtaking.”

“Huh, well, I’ll talk to Twilight about it,” Spike replied.

“Right. Well, off I go. Work to do and whatnot.” With that, Logic hoisted up his travel bags and headed off for home.

“Alright, back to the groceries,” And with that, Spike set off once again, only to stop in his tracks as a sudden, horrifying thought overcame him. “Since when do we have wall tentacles!?”

Author's Note

I have finally snapped, people.