If I were to tell myself a week ago that today I’d pacing back and forth outside of my best friend’s apartment, contemplating whether or not I was going to tell her my life’s biggest secret - I’d probably have brushed it off as mindless crazy talk. If only for my sanity’s sake. Not that I wouldn’t have believed I was telling the truth, but that if I had known in just a week’s time something was going to happen that would send me as far as telling ANYONE my secret, fear would have kept me from setting hoof outside of the house. But fate, I suppose, had other ideas.
Here, let’s back up a few days to where this all started. It was a sunny, near perfect, Saturday morning. My small group of friends and I were spending the early hours in our favorite coffee shop, as per usual. Nothing seemed off, just another start to a relaxing weekend after a strenuous week of work. My friend Grace was sipping down her usual brew of tea whilst rambling on about co-workers she couldn’t stand. Sunny was distracted with jotting down writing prompts in that idea journal he always carted around. April was totally zoned, staring blankly out a window adjacent to the table, seemingly in some sort of trance. And I… Well I was pretty much on the same page as April.
See, as close as we were to all of our friends, it was no secret that April and I were more tightly knit than the rest. We were the living embodiment of that classic “friends since birth” cliche. Two halves of the same pony, in a completely platonic way, of course. Our mothers were close friends since before we were born, so our inseparable bond was pretty much a guarantee. Not to mention, once we had been born, we’d slept in the same cribs, rode in the same strollers, and even shared the same bottle when our moms were together for a visit. I’m getting off track, but you get the point.
We had both been thoughtlessly gazing out the window, pony-watching as dozens of ponies cantered every which way about the town. A mix of exhaustion and the undying urge to subtly ignore Grace’s never ending rant about how bittersweet her life was kept us from reality. Until, of course, her attention turned to me.
“So how was your week, Cedar?” Grace’s abrupt change of subject reeled me back to the real world.
“Huh? Oh. Uh, it was alright, I guess. Work is work, and life is… well, you know.” I answered.
“Nothing in particular on your mind?” She pried.
“Nope. Just as mundane and boring as usual.”
She rolled her eyes then turned to April, “What about your week, April?”
April shook herself from her daze and turned toward Grace with an expression of mild bewilderment.
“Huh? Oh. It was alright I guess.”
“Oh my god!” Grace threw up her hooves, “You two are practically the same pony, I don’t even know why try!”
See what I mean?
Sunny chuckled, still fixated on his journal. “The both of you are like a married couple sometimes, I swear.”
“A little closer than that even, if you think about it,” I joked, “But unfortunately, we’ll only ever be friends, Sun. Sorry to spoil your eternal hopes for the perfect ship, but it ain’t ever sailing.”
He just offered a wry grin in response before returning to his writing. Grace, on the other hoof, wore an inquisitive expression following Sunny’s remark.
“Wait a minute…” She continued, “I’ve never really thought about that before.”
I raised a brow and turned toward Grace. “About what?”
“You and April.”
April halted mid-sip on the drink in her hoof before coughing some of it back up. The surprise of Grace’s remark eliciting a ‘spit take’ from the mare. “W-whoa! We’re just friends guys,” She muttered past her coughs. “You know this.”
“I know, I know. But it’s kind of cute to think about.”
Sunny lowered his journal from his sight, his face wearing the same expression as Grace’s. “That’s a good point, though. How long have you two known each other? There had to be at least one point in your lives where you thought about giving it a shot. Or heck, maybe you two have already dated in the past?”
“What? No! April and I are just close friends. Why is this so hard for you to grasp? Think of it as a brother and sister, platonic, type of bond.” I huffed.
“Well it’s not often you find friendships that have lasted as long and have been as successful as yours, Cedar” Sunny continued, “Most ponies would do inexplicable things to have what you two have. Thinking about you two being able to share that for the rest of your lives, intimately nonetheless, is indeed… adorable.”
“Yeah, chill out, Cedar. It’s just fun to think about. We’re not trying to force you into anything,” Grace justified before throwing on a wide grin. “Or are we?”
What even prompted all of this? This was the first time a conversation like this had ever come up. In all of our years of friendship, never once have we had this discussion. Which, looking back, I can see how everyone might be confused. I’d be asking the same thing if I were in their positions. But that still didn’t invalidate the fact that there was a reason for it.
My demeanor suddenly took on a more defensive tone succeeding Grace’s statement. An almost bestial aggression instantly brewing at the thought of being cornered by whatever logic they were using to fuel this conversation. It would make sense for us to be a couple. The thought had entered my mind numerous times, but I knew that I would never allow myself to do something like that. That reality could never happen, and their ignorance as to why was nearly about to set me off.
“Grace, stop,” I responded firmly. “It has never happened and it will never happen. Do you understand?”
It took her a moment to process my change of tone, but soon enough her face wore a more concerned look. “I didn’t mean to, uh, offend you or anything. I just-”
“Wait. Why are you so against it, though?” April interrupted.
Everyone stopped for a moment before all turning to look at me. I don’t know if “deer in the headlights” could have fit more perfectly with how I felt.
“W-what do you mean?” I replied, attempting to prolong answering her question.
“I mean, I’ve thought about it before. The only reason I never said anything is because I cherish our friendship way too much to ever do anything to harm it. I don’t want you to feel like it’s an obligation or anything, but have you thought about it too? Why do you seem so against the idea of even talking about, if only for the sake of a fun, hypothetical, conversation?”
The pressure of everyone’s curiosity had started to weigh in on my ability to keep cool. Now April’s wondering why I’m so against it? What the heck happened? Not even 5 minutes ago were we all enjoying this Saturday morning like every other. Am I the only one that didn’t want to talk about this?
“Come to think of it” Sunny added, “I don’t ever recall Cedar having spoken of any past relationships at all. Have you ever dated anyone, Cedar?”
“Err, I uhh…” My brain frantically fumbled about trying find an adequate response, but all I could manage were incoherent murmurs.
“I actually don’t think he ever as,” Grace chimed in.
“If he had he would have told me,” April corrected. “He tells me everything.”
“Unless that’s the one thing he hasn’t told you about. Maybe in fear of evoking some sort of jealousy?” Questioned Sunny.
My eyes darted to each my friends as they all continued to pitch their thoughts on a subject I’d been trying so painfully hard to avoid. My emotions bubbled up inside as I clenched my jaw firmly to keep my face stoic as possible. I was doing everything I could to keep myself from imploding under the weight of panicked thoughts swimming about my head.
“Or maybe…” Grace looked over to me slightly puzzled. “Maybe Cedar doesn’t like… mares?”
Annnnd that’s it. That was the moment I lost any courage to keep it together. My stoic expression almost immediately collapsed as a distressed worry consumed my features. I stood from my seat and backed away defensively.
“Why in Equestria does any of this matter to you!? Am I not allowed to keep anything from you bunch? Is my life just some sort public domain?” I lashed out, stomping a hoof in frustration. The other three froze in mild shock, staring back at me with discerned looks, as if I were some sort of victim. “One minute we’re enjoying coffee and the next it’s twenty questions about my love life!”
“C-Cedar, we weren’t trying to upset you,” Grace muttered. “We just… well you never really talk about your life, it’s kind of a mystery to us. We just thought we co-”
“Well maybe there’s a reason for it.” I cut her off, my voice shook with instability as quickened breaths kept me from tears. I offered conclusive glances to each of my friends before turning and storming off. They, from what I could tell, remained silent until I’d completely left the shop. I couldn’t say much about what happened afterward though, because all I did was march straight home, deposit myself into my bed, and bury my face into a pillow for the rest of the day.
It was a pretty crumby way to handle the situation, I’ll admit, but I felt absolutely cornered. It wasn’t a subject I was ready to handle discussing, and I’m not wrong for it. At least, not then… with all of them at once. Now the resentment of confronting them again would eat me alive because I knew I’d have to explain myself once I did, and Celestia knows how well I handle things under pressure.
The week following passed rather unceremoniously. Nothing special to note. Woke up, went to work, came home, and slept. I’m sure I’d eaten a few times to keep myself from starving, but for the most part any ounce of an appetite I once had was completely gone. I’d gone seven days without saying word to my friends after that conversation in fear of having to discuss my breakdown. That’s not to say they hadn’t reached out to me, though.
I’d come home a couple nights with apology notes left in my mailbox, describing how they were all very sorry and that they wouldn’t pry anymore, if that’s what I wanted. Even one from April herself, begging me to let it go, promising she’d never touch on the subject again. But at this point, that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted them to know eventually, yes, I was just never sure how I would handle telling them. It’s like a step was made in the right direction, but it was made prematurely, and now I’m left dealing with the internal panic that entails.
After another week of work under my belt, the calendar landed on Saturday once again. A whole seven days had passed so quickly it almost felt like I had been asleep for the whole thing. Seven days of loathing this stupid, dumb hole I’d dug for myself by hiding from those closest to me just to avoid the humiliation of explaining everything. I knew that isolation would only hurt me in the long run, and as easy as it sounded to hide away in my house forever, it just wasn’t an option. I hated to admit it, but if I wanted to pull myself out of this funk, I was going to have to talk to my friends whether I liked it or not.
So in preparation, I spent the entirety of this Saturday morning planning out what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. A long sequence of wording that would, hopefully, efficiently describe to them what was going on. Once I had finished, though, despite my confidence in everything I had thought out, I just couldn’t bring myself to contact them. The fear of confrontation continued to get the better of me, and it was something I wasn’t going to be able to dive into head first. So instead, I decided it might be easier to resort to the most comfortable option. Tell April.
She of all ponies understood me more than anyone we knew, and hopefully, her knowing first might make telling my other friends a little less terrifying. Hopefully.
That’s what brings us to where I am now. Pacing. Fretting. Panicking. All in the hallway outside of April’s apartment. I’d been here almost an hour without her knowing, walking back and forth just inches from her door. Resolutely building myself up then promptly psyching myself out. Could I do this? Could I actually do this? Of course I can, it’s April. She’d still love me if she found out I burned down an entire town or something, there was nothing to worry about. But would telling her make difference? Would it even help?
A cluster of contradictory thoughts continued to strangle my mind. An unrelenting cycle of “DO IT” and “NO WAIT STOP” held me back from taking the one step I needed to just tell her.
Ah to hell with it!
I stop myself from my hastened paces and turn to face directly toward the door. With a deep breath, I extend a foreleg and give it a few knocks. There’s a small bout of silence, but soon enough, audible rustles could be heard from inside and the door quickly swings open.
“Oh!” She chirps in surprise. “Hi Cedar! I haven’t seen you all week.”
“Yeah, it uh…” I idly kick a hoof at the floor. “It hasn’t been my best, that’s for sure.”
My sudden spell of confidence quickly faded the moment I saw April’s face. I suppose it never registered how real this was until just now. I could feel a sickening knot forming in my stomach.
“Listen,” She nervously rubs the back of her neck with a hoof. “About last weekend…”
“That’s actually what I wanted to talk about.”
“I figured.” She offers a comforting smile.
We both stand awkwardly in the apartment's doorway for a few brief moments before April speaks up again.
“Here, come inside. Let me get you some tea or coffe-”
“April, I want to be a mare.”
Author's Note
This is my first time sharing one of my fics publicly... please be gentle ;n;
